Dear Aizhana:

“Is putting my mental needs first selfish?”- no. It is selfish to want another person to put his or her mental needs second. It seems that he is selfish for this reason.

“Is this denying basic love and support to him?”- listening to him “whine for hours” is hurting yourself. He is hurting you when he whines for hours. Hurting is the opposite of love and support.

If he wants to express his emotions, why not set a time limit: five minutes?

anita

Hello Aizhana,

I had some comments that I wanted to share with you regarding your situation:

• It sounds like you are both under a lot of stress, this is reasonable and even some what expected at a time such as this
• You’ve said  “He’s very loving and supportive of me” – when you get frustrated try the best you can to keep in mind the positives, it will make the more challenging times easier to handle
• You’ve said “He says he understands but that this means that he can’t trust me with these emotions and that I make him feel guilty for just wanting to whine” – there’s a few things I want to comment on here:
  • you use the word “whine” here this indicates to me that this is a very challenging situation for you; and it sounds like he is picking up on this
  • allowing yourself the space and time you need in order to understand he like us all is human and in deep pain will allow him to perceive less tension and therefore will give a better opportunity from him to trust you more, which in effect will allow you to have a better chance to achieve your goal of helping him [Big note: he must be the one to want to help himself, but having others around him who support them can make that catalyst for change]
• When you tried to help him and it didn’t work out this frustrated you
• When you got frustrated you decided to take a break and said “okay fine”
• This can appear passive-aggressive to many, even though that was not your true intention
• In situations like this, being up-front and honest through grounded communication can be very helpful
• Giving him the love and compassion to support him and the space to let the air/dirt settle after a frustration occurs can be tremendously valuable to all parties involved
• This can be done simply by yourself recognizing that you tried the best you could to help him and it didn’t work out the way you wanted and at this point taking a deep breath telling them that you love them and share with them that this situation is overwhelming you, that you need to take a break for yourself to come back to normal, and that you will reach out to them when you feel more grounded – communication is key
• One other comment on the matter, the way we approach and handle a situation (our state of mind and how we express ourselves) can have a profound impact on the outcome of certain events; though we should not be attached to a certain given outcome
• You’ve said “Is this wrong? Is this denying basic love and support to him? Is putting my mental needs first selfish? I feel like I need this boundary for my own good but I also feel guilty about it…”
  • If by “this” you mean needing your own space, no we all need our own space to allow the dust to settle
  • No you’re not selfish for taking needed time for yourself; to a certain extent we must all be selfish to a degree, put ourselves first for taking care of ourselves, this is required in order for us to help others; we cannot help others in the best possible way unless we are prepared and grounded
• You sound like a wonderful person, who tries to help people in need; this is very admirable

I also agree with all of the other comments on this situation.  This truly is such a wonderful community.

~ With Love, River

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by River.