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Am i throwing away 'mature love'?

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  • January 19, 2018 at 8:59 am #187585
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nisago:

    It  is unreasonable to expect joy to last and last with no interruptions, a spark to be always on. But from you stated that you are not experiencing a lack of joy but that you turned cold, neutral, not motivated, emotionally, to continue the relationship- this is a problem. If you have a beautiful relationship, a loving relationship, one that is alive, there should be an emotional motivation to keep it going.

    I don’t know if your neutralized state is about who she is and the nature of the relationship with her or it is about prior experiences you had, before you met her. For example, you may have witnessed a “dead”, unloving relationship between your parents, and that experience neutralized you in the context of your present relationship.

    What do you think/ feel about my input here?

    anita

    January 19, 2018 at 5:15 pm #187695
    opaki
    Participant

    It is so late  here, but I couldn’t just go away from your post. I am having the exact same situation , except that I am a woman. Everything else is the same.

    Now, I’ve been thinking about the relationships, maturity and commitment all together and here is what I think: the lack of joy and positivity   is not something we can blame our relationship for. Love is something you have to nurture, every day and all the time. People who can do that or are doing that actually made a decision to do so and they are just committed to that decision. Trying to step back is a sign of your uncertainty, but the the question is if you are uncertain about yourself, your identity and your future or about something else. In my case, I have realized I am afraid I won’t be able to experience all the things I wanted to and the commitment would stop me from my personal growth. Whether this is true or not, the fact is that has nothing to do with the man I’m sharing my house with. If I was motivated to live the life to the fullest regardless of everything else, there would be no doubt-I would either stay or leave, because when you are in peace with yourself, you are certain about the direction.

    If you can, put (in your mind) your relationship aside and then think about your future. If you are not satisfied with what you see, the first thing to discover is if leaving this woman would make any change. Then, all you have to is to act accordingly.

    I hope you’ll settle this soon. Wish you all the best.

    Hellen

     

    January 22, 2018 at 8:41 am #188073
    maggie mac
    Participant

    How does it make you feel to think about not having her in your life on a daily basis? The answer to that will tell you a lot. Mature love, to me, Doesn’t mean we don’t feel anything. It means the love has grown and gotten richer and deeper. There should be more feelings in my opinion. From what you have written I feel you don’t have the passion or connection that makes love so special and beautiful. Yes, you can settle for less than that. It doesn’t sound like you want to though.

    January 22, 2018 at 10:57 am #188119
    Mark
    Participant

    It is natural that there is a loss of the feeling of “love” as the relationship ages.

    We tend to grow complacent and take things/our partner for granted.

    The literature tells us to put variety (“spice”) into the relationship by varying how you interact with each other, by doing different activities, by showing how you care for each other.

    There is mindfulness where you consciously love.  Love is a verb.

    A gratitude journal is a proven method to help increase happiness.  Try doing that specifically on what you are grateful for with your partner.

    Mark

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