It has been over two months since I ended my 4 year relationship and I am still wondering whether he was abusive or it was my fault. I would really like some advice please and find this forum is full of really great people with a lot of wisdom. I hope one of you can help me.
Our relationship started in a very rocky way. I was due to leave the country where we met in 6 months, having just ended a relationship of 3 years, 6 months previous. Given this context, our relationship started as “casual”- with “no strings”- I knew this was not what I wanted but for some reason I felt drawn to him and maintained the “relationship” until I left (despite being hurt many times by the emotional distance he tried to maintain). After I left, we maintained a LDR for the next two years- seeing each other every 6 weeks for the first year of the LDR and 2-3 weeks for the second year. The LDR was his suggestion and, although it is not something I would have ever considered before, again I felt drawn to him and just went along with it. The LDR was very tough on me and I found myself dealing with jealousy and insecurity many times, especially when we did not communicate for a while, and knowing the hedonistic party culture of the country where we had met, and where he was still living. We had many fights, but for the most part I tried to work on what I what I recognized as my own insecurities and trust issues. I tried to express that I would like more communication but it was rarely met with understanding. He would point out that I was being jealous and needy. Despite all of this, we continued. Eventually after 1 year, he suggested I move to a country closer to him and thereafter moved back to where he was living. This is what I did.
I had hoped that all our problems were based on the distance and once we would be together, things would change. But, they got worse. The intimacy I so desperately craved never developed. He didn’t seem interested in me or what was going on in my life or what I wanted or anything beyond the superficial level. I felt like an object he owned rather than someone he loved. He would never want to do things with my friends, always changing plans at the last minute or simply avoiding discussions about such plans until he would inevitably make plans for us with his friends. The way he would speak about people seemed cold, calculating and manipulative to me. I quickly learned that he lacked empathy for anyone, including me. I had quite a serious incident of violent crime outside our apartment and he did not show any emotional support for me (he suggested we go to a friend’s BBQ that same night to help take my mind off it!) and he called me “jealous” when I tried to tell him I was upset I couldn’t reach him when he went on business trip soon after it happened, and I was struggling with the fear of being alone. He stopped telling me if I looked nice when we went out (always saying “you look fine”). I started to feel very insecure when we were out and I would see him flirting with other women (or at least that is how I perceived it…… I don’t know if I can trust myself or not on this). He refused to go to my best friend’s wedding with me, after he had initially accepted , instead going to the wedding of a guy he barely knows, and didn’t see it as necessary to apologise. He would give me short responses if I asked him about his weekend, almost like he wanted me to feel like I was interrogating him, when he was away on a trip, but would expect me to give him blow-by-blow accounts of mine. He even accused me of cheating one time, when it is beyond ridiculous as I would never do that. He would always avoid any discussions, or my attempts to address the problems I saw we had with communication. He would simply change the subject or eventually get angry and suddenly turn the fight into something else, and I would get completely lost and find myself having to defend myself for something in the past, which had nothing to do with the current problem, and for which I had apologized. He said I apologized too much and that was weak of me. He never apologized. He once left me alone in a foreign city after I begged him not to, as he said he had to pick up a client from the airport and I could not come as she had feelings for him and my presence (his girlfriend of 4 years!) would anger her, and she was a big client and I just didn’t understand how “business” was done. He never apologized and only used the episode against me as evidence I was unsupportive of him and his work and ultimately jealous (as always!). Despite all of this, he was making plans for “our” future….. he never asked me what I wanted….. just made plans for me to fit in with his life. There are so many other things, but they were so subtle I am not sure if I am the one who has the problem…….
My behavior was bad too….. I started drinking heavily and would sometimes get aggressive. It was like I couldn’t get him to ever hear me even though I had been trying so hard in healthy ways, so my frustration would become so much and I would lean on alcohol. This was the worst thing I could have done. It only acted to further kill my own self-esteem. I became very insecure and jealous. He would always remind me of my jealousy, even if we were arguing about something completely unrelated, like how he never cooked, for example. We could not communicate at all.
He would go from ignoring my attempts to talk to getting very angry and aggressive- he broke his own hand once hitting a wall during an argument, threw my laptop across the room, and locked me in the bedroom once to prevent me from leaving. Leave is what I did.
After I left, he contacted me incessantly (still does now but less frequently), but never to apologize for the last aggressive outburst which caused me to leave. Instead he keeps telling me I have jealousy issues and it is not his fault and we just need to get back together and forget about all of this.
The thing is, I know I need to get some professional help to process all of this and work out how much of our problems is due to issues I have (attachment/jealousy/insecurity?). But, I am stuck in this country for one more month and I don’t have access to that help. My friends here are a good support. But, although they say he is the one with the problem, I worry their advice is a little biased.
I realise you don’t know all the details of this, and the above is maybe presented in a very disorganized way….. but if anyone could give me some insights I would really really appreciate it.
Sorry for the lengthy and confused story. I have lost all trust in my own perception of things. I only have doubts. I know I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I am afraid I am the one with the problems, and I will have the same issue again in a future relationship if I don’t resolve them.