Am I the one with the problems?

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This topic has 13 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 1 month ago by Kath.

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March 17, 2015 at 4:06 pm #74065

Jodi
Participant

It sounds as though the two of you were just not compatible. We all have our issues to deal with (jealousy, insecurity etc.) and the fact that you recognize your own stuff is huge! Keep working on yourself and you’ll be better able to attract someone who is also working on themselves. That is what leads to more compatible relationships, shared values and common goals. Best of luck to you!

~Jodi

March 18, 2015 at 2:54 am #74086

Will
Participant

His aggression — punching walls, destroying your possessions, and locking you up — do qualify as abusive behaviour. It also sounds like he kept you basically attention-starved.

I’m glad you’re not considering getting back with this guy. He sounds like bad news. Yes, maybe you have jealousy/insecurity issues, but you deserve to be treated well all the same. He should have tried to help you get over your jealousy, not used it as a club to beat you with.

Good riddence, and keep walking, sister.

March 18, 2015 at 4:38 am #74088

Inky
Participant

Hi ldr83,

He basically used you as a possession. Hell, HE is the one with the jealousy issues ~ he keeps bringing it up, accused you of cheating, and sees you as a possession. God forbid he ever sees you as a person! Then he would lose control. Sister, it is ALL about control with him. By the way, if you were jealous, that’s not a bad thing. Jealousy and insecurity are the body’s emotional response that ~ Something is Wrong.

If he ever catches you on the phone, say, “The therapist says and all our friends always warned me that you’re the jealous one.” Then hang up and block his number. Oh, hell, just block his number!!

March 18, 2015 at 11:10 am #74097

J2BSA
Participant

Thanks Jodi, Will and Inky.

I really appreciate the time each of you took to read my story and to share your wisdom. It feels good.

I did feel controlled a lot in the relationship so Inky, your words really resonated with me, and also Will, what you say about a partner helping one work through one’s issues seems nice and I hope I find someone capable of that in the future. But, for now, I want to be alone so I can focus on helping myself and trying to make the best of what happened in terms of personal growth and learning.

I guess if I am being honest, I want accountability for what happened. I would love if I could have absolute clarity on what part of what went wrong was his and what was mine. Which came first. However, I guess I need to let go of that, right? How does one do that?

March 18, 2015 at 2:03 pm #74109

Inky
Participant

The first (and hardest) thing to do is to make peace with the probability that he won’t give you what you want. That would be an apology. Now, he might contact you years (decades) from now and say he’s sorry for the way he was as a young guy. But who has time to wait for that? Also, for some people, even if we know we did something wrong, are too prideful to admit it.

For you, feeling and acting “jealous” was perceived as “wrong”. Well, jealousy is a feeling. And as for acting jealous, it sure seemed to be what he wanted, despite his chidings.

In other words, you’re not crazy. He made you crazy. He was more wrong than you. And I bet he knows it.

Now, block his number. Do a made up I’m Starting Over ritual. To New Beginnings!

March 19, 2015 at 3:55 am #74132

Will
Participant

Everything Inky said.

We rarely get perfect clarity about anything. There’s a lot you’ve already taken from this, and as time ripens, you will see more clearly. Just keep reminding yourself to be patient with the uncertainty, which will be a given for the rest of your life.

March 19, 2015 at 1:02 pm #74149

J2BSA
Participant

Thanks Inky and Will. Your advice really helps and I know you are both right. I should probably spend more time building up my ability to “let go” and continue to focus on working on myself and my issues, than trying to seek some sort of validation of what “I” think went wrong. This is what I will do.
Wishing you both lots of peace and love.

March 21, 2015 at 4:06 pm #74237
Waterfalls
Participant
He sounds really toxic. If he’s managed to confuse you so much that you don’t trust yourself anymore, then he can almost count on you coming back. It sounds like your identity has been compromised and he’s found a way to ‘control’ you and keep you under his will. The fact that you’ve acknowledged your part in this is huge, just like someone else has said. But don’t make excuses for him and his behaviour. I think your gut is telling you the answer to your question. The fact that you have to ask others whether you have the problems or he just means you don’t trust yourself — but that doesn’t mean you don’t already know the answer. You just want us to say ‘yes, you’re right’, he has all the problems! A relationship is made up of two people. However he treated you and you him, you both gave each other permission to be that way. It’s time to accept that and to ask yourself what kind of treatment you’re willing to accept in the future. Take this relationship as a warning and as a lesson, can you imagine your life like this? Years and years going by in such chaos? Take this ‘pause’ as an opportunity and use this time to really start trusting yourself and your intuition again. Some people just aren’t worth putting in so much effort for.

As for wanting accountability… it’s easier if you learn to let go. He sounds like he’s going to continue ‘suffering’ if he keeps behaving the way he has been, he won’t ever find peace or joy or light. That is karma right there. Focus on you instead, bring those things into your own life.

One more thing for you on your journey to recovering your self-esteem. This book saved my life once when I was in a similar position as you, perhaps it will help you too. “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. Just pick it up and read a few pages.. I have a feeling it will speak to you immediately, like it did to me. Good luck on your journey.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Waterfalls.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Waterfalls.
March 22, 2015 at 9:46 am #74263

J2BSA
Participant

Thanks so much for the wise and caring words Waterfalls. I am growing stronger day by day and beginning to trust myself and my intuition more and more again. As you say…. I am using this “pause” to think about me and how I want to treat others and to be treated. It is only the beginning, but I feel stronger each day. Thanks for sharing the book recommendation. I will certainly check it out. Thanks once again for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

April 1, 2015 at 1:35 pm #74760

J2BSA
Participant

I was hesitant as to whether update this post but thought it may help someone else who is going through a similar situation.

I finally started to accept I had to try and “let go” and that I would probably never obtain answers to the many questions I had regarding what went wrong in our relationship and what part of this was my responsibility. Last week I was finally told by a close friend that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me , at least once, but probably a lot more. One of the girls he even invited on a weekend away together as a group before the end of last year. I have been trying to deal with a wave of mixed emotions: anger, humiliation, sadness, but, the feeling that has risen above all of this is one of relief. Why relief? During the 4 years of our relationship, but particularly in the final 2 years, my ex-boyfriend spent most of the time reminding me I was a jealous and mistrusting girl and he was the victim of my “paranoia”- he could do nothing. The relief comes to me now, as I know, at least in some small part, I am not “completely” as he described me.

However, this “relief” also worries me somewhat. Is this once again my need for external validation of my instincts and my feelings? Is this self-doubt and insecurity what probably drew him to me, kept me in a relationship that I knew “deep down” was not right for anyone let alone me, and ultimately has me still wondering , how much of my mistrust/jealousy was a natural response to his behaviour towards me and how much was , as he described, a product of my natural psychological make-up?

Was my hesitancy to write this update because I fear I am incapable of trusting my own ability to self-validate my feelings and beliefs?

April 2, 2015 at 7:47 am #74787

Will
Participant

I’m a little confused as to what you’re worried about.

So, it seems that your paranoia was justified in that he really was cheating on you. And manipulating you and turning your justified concern/distrust into a problem with your personality.

Good riddence, then. Don’t overthink this: he was bad news, your cheater-radar was functioning correctly, you are free of him, all rejoice.

April 7, 2015 at 10:17 pm #75046

Anonymous
Inactive

My eyes teared for you because I can tell you are hurt all the way to your core. You are not the one with the problem. You may have done things at certain times that caused arguments but that happened because you already felt hurt and misunderstood. You didn’t get the nurturing you needed from that relationship, in fact you got the complete opposite. And for him to say forget about everything and get back together like your feelings mean absolutely nothing is just so selfish of him. He obviously needs A LOT more time to reflect how he made another human being feel and all the wrong b.s. he did. As for you, you are absolutely right about getting some help, maybe just some counseling to help fasttrack your healing and remind you that what you are feeling is normal. It may take some time to come to terms with what happened and you may come up with a hundred questions to ask him but don’t speak to him. Let him think about what he did and how wrong it was.

April 8, 2015 at 5:07 am #75054

Kath
Participant

As Will said: Don’t worry!

How we behave also depends on the person we are with: If your partner reacts in a reassuring and comforting way when you get jealous it might just go away. But this guy just messed with your head. Whether he actually cheated or not: he did not behave in a very trustworthy way, and played his part to make you jealous.
So, in a relationship where there is trust you might be a completely different person!

And: We all have the need for some external validation, a great part of our perception of reality relies on it! So there is nothing bad about it! Take it and be happy about it, it shows you that your feelings were on spot!
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