Dear Richard:

I understand not wanting to talk with her about a topic you felt she was uncomfortable with.

I don’t know why “respect.. kind and decent” wasn’t enough to keep her interested in you, and I don’t know if she gets to appreciate these qualities in you following more experience with online dating. I wish I could predict the future, I bet you wish you had this ability as well.

I will soon be away from the computer for the next sixteen hours or so. If you post more by the time I am back, I will be glad to read and reply to you when I am back.

anita

Thanks Valora – she may have some fear of commitment but I have no idea to be honest.  I was as genuine as I could be and do wear my heart on my sleeve so if I like someone and want to be with them then I will make that clear.  Perhaps that did scare her off as we did spend so much time together in such a short amount of time.  Perhaps she wanted to take a step back and slow it down which is why she said she felt it was more of a friendship connection.  Maybe this is something I will never know.

She definitely could have put some walls up after ending things with her ex as I do believe he didn’t treat her well which is why she ended it with him.  I know she has been single for a year which is when she broke up with her ex and has only started dating again in the last month or so, from what she told me she had been on a few first dates but nothing more than that until she met me and we spent all the time together over the last couple of weeks.

I had hoped though that with me being 38 and her 37 that we were both on the same page in wanting the same kind of things from a relationship.

The thing is… you can’t really expect things based on age. I’ll be 37 in 3 months, which isn’t too far in age from you two, and I can see myself backing off the way she did just because I also need things to move slowly and 2 weeks is fast to be thinking about commitment. I need at least a good month or two of hanging out (depending on how often we actually see each other) to really be sure whether I want to commit to someone, and I think if someone was trying to push that, I’d say I want hang out as friends, too.

Also, when you’re single for a year and start dating again, it feels really weird. The second you start to like someone again it can almost feel wrong in a way and you start second-guessing your feelings and you want space to think. So in the future, it might be a good idea to maybe reframe your mindset, let yourself be okay with backing off a little bit and be content with being friends for just a while to see how it goes. It gives the other person some space without feeling any pressure so if there ARE fear issues there, they have a chance to work through them while you get to know each other better. If, while you get to know each other, you end up forming a deep connection, they might just decide they like you a lot… but they won’t have that chance if you cut it off before you two have the time to develop that connection.

And then there are times when you just know you’re not really into the person, and this could be that, too. There’s no real way to know.

Oh yeah, I’m not saying you did anything wrong at all while you were with her. It might not even have anything at all to do with you. When I’ve done similar things, it’s because I got in my own head and started questioning and overthinking what I wanted and didn’t want and what I was ready or not ready for… so it was my own fears and not anything the guys had done. They could’ve been 100% perfect and wonderful and that wouldn’t have mattered, as sad as that is.

When she stopped texting, it’s likely she just felt like she needed to back off. Whether that was temporary while she worked out how she was feeling or if she had just lost interest and was trying to ghost you, I don’t know. I think it sounds like you did what you felt was best and stayed true to yourself, and that’s a good thing, especially since you know you can’t be friends with someone you feel strongly for. It would be a good idea to just move on from this one and find someone who might be a better match.