Dear who:

You wrote in the last paragraph that you want to do right by your mom. You wrote earlier in your post that when you were a child she did drugs and abused you often. That means she screwed you up (title of your thread). There is no way a child is often abused and the child is not injured from the abuse. She hurt you repeatedly, no way you come out of it unhurt. Can you give her the responsibility she owns, screwing you up when you needed her most?

To do right by her, you need do nothing for her. Let her suffer the consequences of her actions. She hurt you so badly, no need for you to pay her bills. If she wanted a son with a job to pay her bills later in life, she should have treated you right, treated you right so you grew up to be a healthy, capable man. Let her suffer the CONSEQUENCES of her actions.

To do right by your son, this I respect, with this I agree.

Regarding your question: my answer is it is very, very possible for you to no longer be a “screw up”

First you need to realize that you were not born a screw up. There was nothing wrong with you. You were an innocent loving and lovable boy. Through insight and courage, you need to travel back to your past, to your childhood, and free that boy from its prison, the Something-is-wrong-with-me prison. You need to give the blame where it belongs- to your mother and remove it from you, from the child that you were.

Then you travel with that child inside you, knowing that you are inherently good, that you started that way, travel back to the present and take one step at a time toward better living and responsible parenting to your son.

But… you have to get the child, not your son, YOU, the child part of you. Have to believe he is not a screw up. Sickness brought you where it did, not a defect. There was nothing wrong with you. Until you believe it, you are screwed.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I will be back at the computer tomorrow. Hope you post more and I will respond.

anita

For me to say to you “yeah you’re screwed, just give up” would be like saying the same thing to myself. Let’s make the next chapter in our lives, surprising. “wow, I never thought I could turn my life around, but I did.” Hope we can say that to ourselves in 10 years time.

Hi who,

I would love to hate my dad, but it’s hard to be mad at a sick elderly person, isn’t it? Yes, you are “using” her as a crash pad, but you are also being A Good Son. She is undeserving, yes, but she does “owe” you.

Here’s the reality: Your Mom, grandma and uncle won’t be here much longer.

The least you need to do is get a job, any job, and save up your $$$ so it WORKS for you! Get the book The Richest Man in Babylon. It tells you how much to save, spend and invest. Work as a landscaper or for a company like that. You can be the odd-job handyman in the neighborhood. Couch surf at your mom’s as long as you can. DON’T spend any of the $$$ you make. Save it for a few years until you have saved up for first and last months rent AND a nice nest egg. This dove tails nicely into getting over any addictions you might still have.

See your son if possible. Even if it’s meeting at the library or going for the 1$ meals at McDonalds, the point is for him to see you.

It’s time to look at the hand of cards you have as if you just woke up, blameless. Then make a strategy for getting certain kinds of cards to win the game. Once you have employment, your own place, are addiction free and see your child, you’ve Won.

Best,

Inky

I can relate to wearing a mask thing you’re talking about.(lying) I feel I have to pretend to my siblings that I’m employed when I’m not. it’s just that I come from a big family and gossip flies and I feel negatively judged. I don’t think they deserve the truth, because I’ve seen how judgemental and dismissive they can be. In fact I have taken an active part in such gossip and slander of other family members in the past. perhaps I deserve to be gossiped about.I dunno.

Dear who:

In your efforts to “achieving all of these life term goals” – you need to go back far enough (as I wrote before), far enough into the past for this very important purpose: to release your inner child, who you were as a child, from the prison he is in. That prison’s walls are made of what you were wrongly taught by your abusive mother, being the black sheep in the family, as you wrote: being taught that there was something wrong with you then.

There was NOTHING wrong with you then, is the point. You were taught then that there was and until you release yourself from that untrue core belief, you… well, you are imprisoned by it.

All those failures in adulthood that you believe are proof that indeed there was something wrong with you from the beginning, these are not proof of that. These failures are proof that you were INJURED then, as a child, made to believe what is not true and sent off to a life of adulthood with an injured inner child- can’t win with such a send off.

Can’t win unless you HEAL that wounded inner child, until you travel back just enough to release him from that strong hold of false belief.

anita