Am I being unreasonable?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by jeena.

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October 17, 2014 at 5:06 pm #66400

Emunah
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Dear friends,

It is in the middle of the night and I had a huge fight with my husband. Since the bezinning of our relationship, four years ago I have been paying the bills. Last year I got pregnant and we kind of made the deal that he would finish his phd and find a job before the baby was Born. This never happened. During my pregnancy and still I work fulltime to support our family. I feel very bitter about this because the first two years of our relationship I already payed a lot of stuff so he could work on his phd fulltime. I really wanted to take care of my baby and find a nicer job than being a lawyer, but all this is impossible because he does not finish his phd and find a Well paying job. Whenever I feel unhappy about my life I start blaming him, because I feel it is all his fault. I really dont like my job, and feel like I Cannot be myself in the workplace. Because I work a lot and have a baby it is difficult for me to make new friends, because I mainly meet people in the working place, where I Cannot be myself. It makes me feel very depressed, because I feel lonely and unfulfilled, but whenever I try to talk about it with my husband we get into a fight. He sais I am depressed all the time and have too much self Pity, because nobody likes their job and I make good money and have good working circumstances, like a lot of independence possibilities for schooling etc. He sais that I only think about myself, that I constantly blame him, but that his life is also not easy, combining all kind of Side jobs while finishing his phd and taking care of the baby. Whenever I express my depression about me having an unfullfilling job, he sais that I am ungrateful and that they should all take it away from me and then I decide iF I want my life back or not. I tell him that I do blame him because of him I have no choice to take a job I like or be with the baby at home for Some time. Moreover because of my long working Hours combined with a baby I have no energie to do anything in the evenings or weekends, his suggestion for making my life more fullfilled. Everytime he sais things like this I feel very alone and misunderstood and angry at him because he caused the whole difficult situation. Then he sais ‘ I never blame you for anything! I dont come to you with depression! ‘ the difference is that he is still on the way of fullfilling his Dreams but I let go of mine because of financial necessity to support all of us. Conclusion is that I Cannot talk with him about my depression, while he is my main friend at the moment. I feel so alone and overwhelmed by the whole situation. I feel like my life is over and I dont have any changes in the near future. I feel like I want to break up with my husband because I feel like he is only dragging me down, but I Cannot because I need him to help with the baby.then whenever I blame him for something, his response is to not do anything at all anymore because he sAis it does not matter what he does anyways because I blame him anyway. I feel so alone, there is nobody I can turn to. A lot of times I dont feel like living anymore, but when I tell this to my husband he sais I am just self centered and that I spit on all the Gifts I got in life. What do you think about this situation, I need Some advice. Should I stay with my husband?

October 18, 2014 at 4:38 am #66412
Inky
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Just be careful that you don’t end up paying for medical school and then later he divorces you once he’s a doctor. Of course, it sounds like you may want that!

I don’t know how it “works”, but, is he actively a PHD student? From what I’ve seen being a med. student is all consuming! Everything and anything in life can be all consuming. A job. A baby. Being a student. Marriage. Keep in mind that you may still want to be in your current job as he starts his practice.

Are there any relatives to help with the baby?

Have you always felt this way or can it also be hormones? I remember I was terribly depressed the third trimester, with all my pregnancies. You hear about post-partum depression, but you can get depressed during pregnancy too.

Think of this as a phase in life. You may have to be a working mom for a few years. Think of it this way: You will, in turns, either be a working mom, a stay at home mom, a working empty nester or a retired empty nester. Each lifestyle comes with its own unique culture and hardships. Don’t put all of it on your husband! And if you divorce, it is so much easier when the child is an adult! It’s not worth the trouble at this point!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
October 18, 2014 at 10:16 pm #66442

Tir
Participant

No, it sounds as though you are being thoughtful.

October 19, 2014 at 7:44 am #66461
Big blue
Participant
Hi Emunah,

You have certainly done a lot and are mostly being reasonable. I say mostly because you need to address feelings of giving up on yourself. You need to do things to keep your spirit up. Focus on yourself. Get help if you are still having bad thoughts about going on in your life.

Second, a PhD can take 6-12 years and some never get done. My ex has yet to.
http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2010/04/18/education/edlife/18edlifephd-gr.html?ref=edlife

So, find out where he is in the process realistically. Unless he is in the final month of defending his dissertation – to be done, sounds like he needs to get a job to help you. Can he find work in his field? If not, something that earns income and maybe let’s him do homework.

Relationships need good communication. If he is shutting this off, tell him that’s not acceptable. He needs to work with you to meet your needs and the needs of your baby.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
October 20, 2014 at 12:54 pm #66521

jeena
Participant

I can see both sides. I see that it is not fair to you that he is leaving the burden of everything home family related. He is not being as reponsible as you. BUT, this is temporary right? Once he finishes, he can begin to take over the reponsibility I would imagine. Has he said anything like that to you? Getting a PhD is not easy and he should be encouraged and not burdened on that path. It demands respect and patience. If you knew he wanted to get a PhD, why wouldn’t you realize it was a sarafice for a given time? And adding a baby to the mix is poorly timed and irresponsible on both of your parts. Also, it seems you may have post-partum depression. See a doctor asap! Your husband cannot help you with that!
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