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Am I Always Going to Wonder…?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #322131

    Elizabeth
    Participant

    I posted a while back about my husband leaving me out of the blue. It’s been a little over a year since this happened and I have made a lot of progress and come a long way. That said…I’m still hung up on him. We were together 7.5 years, lived together, did everything together, he was my best friend. We’ve had very little contact since he left, though I’ve seen him a handful of times and running in the same circles/having the same friends, we’ve run into each other on a few occasions, as well.

    All this said, we’re in the process of going through with our divorce and I have this lingering need to ask him one last time if he’s sure this is what he wants. It seems kind of silly to me that I want to ask that. He’s been incredibly nice to me and has made this as “easy” as possible, but I just feel like I’m always going to wonder “what if” if i don’t ask him.

    It should be noted that he’s living with his girlfriend (the one he left me for) and they’ve been together since the day he walked out on me (probably since before he walked out on me, if we’re being honest). I guess I’m just interested to hear what others think about the idea of me asking him if he’s sure this is what he wants. I have a feeling I already know what everyone is going to say, but figured I’d put it out there. What are your thoughts? Is it worthwhile or am I only going regret bringing it up?

    #322149

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    Welcome back.

    I am glad to read that your estranged husband has been “incredibly nice to (you) and has made this as ‘easy’ as possible” for you, it being the divorce process that is in progress.

    You wrote today: “I have this lingering need to ask him one last time if he’s sure this is what he wants… I  just feel like I’m always going to wonder ‘what if’ if I don’t ask him”-

    – you still have trouble believing that this relationship and marriage is really over and that the separation is permanent. Like you yourself suggested in your February thread: your heart and mind are not on the same page. Taking into consideration what he actually said to you and what he actually did in the last year clearly indicates that the relationship and marriage with you is over, but your heart is resisting this reality.

    Of course there is always a chance and no one can predict the future, but his words and actions indicate  that such a chance is very small and it doesn’t make sense to build anything on such a small chance any more than it would make sense to look for property to buy based on the plan to buy a lottery ticket and maybe win the lottery.

    You wrote back in February: “I think assuming that there’s absolutely no way of coming back from this to be a bit short-sighted”- indeed it is not true to say that “there’s absolutely no way” for you and him to get back together (before or after a divorce!) but the chance for this to happen appears to be very small. In life we often have to rely on approximate statistics or probabilities because absolute certainty is not available to us.

    February you wrote to me: “I can’t know what’s going on in his head… I respect your opinion, but just as much as I can’t know what’s going on in his head, I don’t know that you can either”.

    Well, according to what you shared he told you and what you shared that he did indicates pretty accurately some of what is going on in his head. Here is what he told you (I am quoting your words): “he told me he didn’t love me anymore. He loved her“. A couple of weeks after that: “I told him I just wanted to know where his head was. He told me that he didn’t feel anything for me, that he was giving up“.

    He never went back on these words in bold, from what you shared. He considered staying in the marriage a couple of weeks after you caught him and his now girlfriend holding hands in public, and he shared with you at one point about how miserable he has been in his family’s business, but he never went back on those words in bold, according to what you shared in both threads.

    His behavior was very congruent with his words: “he left.. took some of our furniture.. gave me a 1 day heads up that he was taking the furniture, and didn’t ask me about it. He’s rented an apartment (in the same building his now girlfriend lives)”, and about nine months later, Nov 2019: “he’s living with his girlfriend (the one he left me for) and they’ve been together since the day he walked out on me”.

    I suppose you can ask him one last time “if he’s sure this is what he wants”. It can’t hurt. You can ask him if he thinks there is any chance, however small that he will want to live with you again as a girlfriend or wife, anytime in the future. Maybe his answer will  be definite enough to place your heart and mind on the same page.

    But if his answer is not definite enough for you, it is possible that you will want to ask him the same question (if he is sure this is what he wants) after the divorce, not just before the divorce, keeping your hope alive forevermore.

    I hope his answer is definite enough for you so that you can move on. I understand this has been very painful for you,  having been so deeply attached to him emotionally and then him leaving you the way he did. I wish you more healing soon. Please post here anytime, if it helps. I hope the other members who answered you in your old thread (and new members) will answer you here as well.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by  anita.
    #322179

    Mina
    Participant

    Hello Elizebeth,

    It is understandable to feel the way you do.  Most of us have had similar experiences at some point in our lives and survived.  Letting go is hard, you feel the loss and then you grieve. You might not believe it now, but it is possible to love again and be loved in return.

    His being incredibly nice is giving you false hope, but he has professed his love for a woman that he has been living with for almost a year.  He has made his choice, are you prepared to receive an answer that might only hurt you more?

    Of course, this is just my opinion, but he has had a year to think about what he really wants.  If he hasn’t expressed doubts by now then he probably never will.  Perhaps, once the divorce is over, it would be best to avoid seeing him as much as possible– as they say out of sight out of mind.  Hide the photos and mementos that remind you of him.  You will get rid of them when you are ready.   Surround your self with positive happy people.   Make a new life for yourself with new friends.  Think of it as an exciting new adventure.

    #322489

    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Mina,

    Thank you both for your responses. There was only one time that he expressed that he was questioning his choices and that was around last Thanksgiving, so he really hasn’t done anything to show me he regrets his decision aside from questioning it then. I think part of me that continues to hold on just knows that I’ve known him so well in the past and I don’t think he’d be the one to initiate a conversation that he did regret what he is doing. He’s a very prideful person and I don’t think he’d initiate it. That said, I’m probably holding onto some kind of false hope and justifying my reasoning to not let go.

    Again – I’ve come a long way from where I was, but with the finality of it all hanging over my head, it’s caused me to feel like I should take one last reach to know if this is done for good. But maybe it would only make things worse for me or knock me back – like you’ve both said, it seems like he’s already made his decision. Anyhow, I appreciate both of your input. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s really going to be practical for me to not see him unless I move. I started a job last December that I absolutely love and it would be a terrible career move to leave it…so I think I’m going to have to stay here for the foreseeable future. I’m going to have to learn to live with seeing him around and get used to it. I don’t want to forfeit all my interests, the places I like to visit, my friends, and everything else because I might come across him.

    Again, I appreciate your input and I’m going to have to continue to work on myself. Maybe I can get through this without asking him that lingering question, we will see…

    #322495

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    You are welcome.

    “part of me that continues to hold on.. I don’t think he’d be the one to initiate a conversation that he did regret what he is doing. He’s a very prideful person”-

    – if he was living alone, maybe your thinking had weight. But he is living with another woman, one you described as younger and attractive. It doesn’t make sense that he is living with a woman he is attracted to, day in and day out, sleeping with her every night and regretting a woman he hasn’t slept with for so very long.

    Think of it: if he is regretting his decision to divorce you because of his pride, then it means that he  is forcing himself to sleep with this young, attractive woman every night, seeing her in lingerie, let’s say, and thinking something like: I don’t really want to be with this young and attractive woman, but I will force myself because I am prideful.

    It doesn’t make sense. Possible, I suppose,  but it would take not just a prideful man to be thinking this way, but a man who is mentally unwell.

    Of course, you can ask him, but what about  your pride.

    anita

    #322541

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I believe that I was too blunt, in my last post to you. I have the tendency to be blunt when a more gentle delivery is kinder and likely to be received better, received as something to consider, that is. I apologize for an unecessary blunt delivery.

    anita

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