Dear Umaz:

“I feel such a void without a loving family, something I never had but always crave“- so, way before your parents kicked you out in your early 20s, you did not have a loving family. The void was inside you from an early age, a void and a craving for love.

I know the void and craving for love, when it starts so early .. it becomes a thirst that can never be satisfied.  When people in your adult life say they love you, act in loving ways, sooner than later, the Void inside screams: It is Not Enough! and You Don’t Love Me!!!

And the Void, keeps looking for.. and finding evidence that indeed we are not loved, never have been loved, never will be loved. We keep craving what we can’t get. This has been my experience. Is this how you feel?

anita

Dear Umaz:

There is a way to stop getting triggered so often and so intensely. Is psychotherapy a possibility for you?

anita

Dear Umaz,

Also, I don’t find it useful to continuously relive my past. It’s emotionally exhausting and takes away from my present.

Good psychotherapy helps us heal the emotional wounds and deficiencies from the past – it’s not meant to last forever, reliving the painful experience again and again.

Based on what you’ve shared so far, you have a wound of rejection, which you’d need to heal. If you find psychotherapy too expensive, you may try to do some self-healing, i.e. the inner child healing.

You as a little girl have been rejected by your family. As anita said, maybe it happened not in your early 20s, but much earlier? This girl feels hurt and reacts whenever she feels a semblance of rejection. Your main pain point seems to be rejection by the family – this time not your own family, but your boyfriend’s family:

i feel like a liability and not really a part of the family which he claims I am.

I just said something like ‘oh so you invited your ex’s family but not me when you say I’m supposed to be your family? Dont ever say that I’m your family because you don’t treat me like family, I’m not family, I’m just your girlfriend. And don’t ever make me speak to your mum and sister either, I’m done playing nice with them’.

You feel excluded from your boyfriend’s family, same as you felt excluded from your own family. Until you heal your childhood wound, this or a similar issue will keep coming up in your relationship.

So I encourage you to start working on healing that wound, healing your inner child, telling her that she is loved and cherished.

But I really am alone, I don’t have any people in my life I can rely on. I don’t have family or friends. I don’t have very good self esteem to make new friends.

The little girl in you feels very alone, and probably unworthy of love. You – the adult Umaz – would need to reassure her that she is not alone, because you are with her and will never abandon her…

How are you, Umaz?

anita