I have just found this website and am already so grateful for all the wonderful advice I’ve found here. My problem is this: I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now, and we are very much in love. Now that I am graduating, I am ready to spread my wings and go explore the world a little more. My boyfriend understands this and is very supportive of my desire to see other places, and is willing to commit to a long distance relationship. Ideally, I would want the same.

However, there are some problems that keep cropping up.

My boyfriend used to be a very heavy drinker. From what I gather, he used to drink AT LEAST a bottle of wine every day, and is still quite notorious in our town for being a drunk. Before we met, though, he had managed to reduce his drinking to about a glass of wine a day. Now he drinks somewhat “normally” – once a week, which is about the same as I do. The problem is that especially lately, when he drinks, he drinks A LOT. He can’t seem to resist, and drinks more than everyone else. I can’t seem to relax when he does, being scared of what he might do (a few months ago, he visited my hometown and punched a man and ended up in a drunk tank). You can see why I worry. I watch him powerlessly as I would a car crash.

When we started dating, he managed to cut off drinking entirely for maybe four months. But slowly, he has been drinking more and more. We thought maybe his need to drink (and eat, and have sex incessantly) was due to a fear of our impending break-up (having not agreed on long distance at the time). I have expressed discomfort at his drinking, and because he is an amazing person, and hates to hurt me, it makes me think he can’t easily control his thirst to drink. We are now in separate countries, and on Monday he completely disappeared, unusual behaviour for him. When we next spoke, he said he had drunk wine all day alone in his room. The reason? He didn’t know. I don’t find myself upset at his needing space, but I hate to think of alcohol as something he retreats to as an escape. Our relationship, after all, was doing great at the time.

Basically, I’m not sure if I should change my outlook on his drinking and fully fathom exactly how far he has come (because he has come incredibly far, and is still trying hard) and try to change myself into someone who does not care so much, or if that is even possible. Will I always worry so much about it? How can I change my outlook on this?

Secondly, we can’t seem to achieve harmony in our sex life. We like very different things, and have both ended up compromising. He likes his sex very detached, disconnected, and well, porn-like. I am fine with this most of the time. But it does somewhat disturb me that we have never reached a “higher” level. He never wants to look in my eyes, for example. He prefers to fantasise about other scenarios, which is exciting except that he would do this every single time if he could. Role-play. Name-calling. Dirty talk. All fine in small amounts, but even when he removes all those side-line narratives by my request, I don’t really feel very connected. It is too obvious that he is doing it to please me, and I feel silly for asking for more. He says he feels connected every time though, and doesn’t quite understand what I want. He has told me he feels loved through sex, and whenever we have an argument, he tries to have sex for this very reason, which I have now understood as being a way for him to connect (although I feel nothing). It seems he feels connected only through my sexual desire for him (not mental, emotional). I don’t know what to do, and realise that a lot of women (and men) feel this way. How do I stop craving that sexual connection? Or how can I achieve it with him? Ironically, I found that once I had satisfied his sexual desires, I felt very connected to him because of the love that seemed to shine right out of him. And yet it does not seem enough.

Today we discussed my discomfort with his drinking, and I told him I knew I couldn’t change him and therefore might as well try to change my outlook on his drinking. He quickly launched into a conversation about sex, maybe wanting to feel loved, and as much as I wanted him so much, to feel connected to him, and to feel recognised by him in some way – his words differed so starkly from mine – it was clear again that he only wanted the act. I felt like I could have been anyone. Somehow the gap seemed so vast and awful in that moment, and yet I know this is common.

Today’s conversation seemed a sort of crescendo of our two biggest problems and so I come to you all for advice. I suppose my question is as to whether I should change myself internally, or seek my contentment externally. I try to follow my own intuition, but it seems to say two things. This man feels so right, and yet these things are undoubtedly hurting me. Is it really possible to change so that one is not hurt by small things like this? Help.