Dear EvFran,

I think that since her son is 21, perhaps some “tough love” would be appropriate: I think she shouldn’t be supporting him and paying for his escapades, but ask him to move out, if he’s not planning to continue his studies. That will force him to find work and get his act together. If she keeps bailing him out and tolerating his lifestyle, she will be enabling him and not helping him at all.

I understand that he might have a tough time due to his parents divorcing and possibly other issues from his childhood. But nevertheless, smoking weed all day and getting in trouble with the law is not the answer. I would also suggest that he starts attending therapy. If I were his mother, I would pay for his therapy, but I wouldn’t keep enabling his bad behavior and bailing him out.

Dear EvFran,

you are welcome!

She has stopped giving him money but still buy him food. He lives separately in one of their apartments, I think he doesn’t need to pay the rent.

Hm, that’s still providing for his basic upkeep. I guess he has some money of his own (maybe from his father?) to buy weed regularly? I wouldn’t let him live in her apartment for free if he doesn’t want to continue his studies. Because if she does, he won’t be motivated to change anything about his lifestyle.

Therapy would be a good idea.

Yes, I think that would be a must.

Apparently he has read many books on psychology, mainly on how to manipulate people.

Hm, that’s not a good sign. It seems he wants to take the easy route. He is already manipulating her quite successfully…

I can fully understand that nowadays it’s not easy for young people. Moralizing is not a solution either.

Sure, if she just preaches to him, he won’t listen. But I don’t know him. Maybe he is just spoiled and has been like that since he was a child?

I just don’t know how to support my friend. They are absolutely clueless because he just doesn’t want to do anything…. I promised I would talk to him but don’t really know what else i can say.

You are already supporting her, by talking to her and inquiring about the possibilities for help. You’re also posting here on her behalf. Frankly, I don’t think you should talk to him, unless you are a specially important person in his life. If he isn’t listening to his parents, he is probably not going to listen to you either. I don’t think you can do more than what you’re already doing.

Dear EvFran,

you’re most welcome!

Today they set a deadline by when he has to move out of the flat, sell his car in order to pay for the stupidity he had done and find a job or continue university. He said ok.

Sounds good. It seems they are on it, doing what needs to be done, setting some boundaries. I hope it will work!

As I travel a lot and he found me ‘cool’ at the bday party, my friend’s sister hopes that I can talk to him and maybe have a good ‘influence’ on him or convince him to get his stuff together. But I’d rather agree with you. If he doesn’t want to change, even God would be unable to make him change.

Yeah, since you only met him once, very recently, I don’t think it would make any difference. But who knows, maybe you can talk to him about other things, e.g. the parts of your life that he finds cool. Not really pressuring him or trying to preach, but just sharing your story perhaps? But I think it would need to be in another relaxed setting, say on a party, so that he doesn’t feel pressured into talking with you. I would keep it very light and no pressure…. and only if he shows interest.

Additionally, I don’t have kids myself, so I might not be the right person to give advice

Well, you’ve got your coolness 🙂 As I said above, if there is a chance to meet again in a relaxed setting, then perhaps you could nonchalantly approach him and have a chat. But I wouldn’t force anything, and wouldn’t make it a “mission” of mine to save him. You are doing enough already…

Dear EvFran,

that’s a good idea to invite him for a drink, if he wants, and simply talk about your life and experiences, without preaching. Just sort of see him as an equal and relate from that perspective (non-judgmental, supportive). I think that can work wonders, at least for some people.

Wish you luck, if you decide to go for it. And have a great weekend yourself!