Hi everyone!! I just need a little bit of advice and some emotional support! I’m sorry if this is kind of long, but I could really use the help!

To really sum things up, I’ve been dealing with a lot of issues with my ex boyfriend. I don’t really want advice on how to handle things with him, maybe just a little, but I’ve come to realize that too many opinions on the matter really takes a toll on me because I become so confused. However, I need so advice on coping with the situation.

My ex and I dated for 3 years. He was my best friend and we were super close. We did everything together, and probably spent a little too much time together considering the fact that we were so young. He is my high school sweetheart, and even though I’m in college, I don’t consider myself too young to know what love is. Especially after being with him for 3 years.

Anyways, we’ve been broken up for about 8 months, and the past 8 months have been the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. At first things were really hard. He didn’t talk to me at all, and I was already suffering through other issues. You see, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder which makes me extremely depressed for months. So, I was going through my depressive period before our break up, and when we broke up, things took a turn for the worst. I have been dealing with suicidal ideations my whole life, and when I was dealing with the break up and losing my best friend while I was dealing with so many other issues, those suicidal ideations became way too strong. There were numerous occasions where I was considering killing myself. It got so bad to the point where I had my grandmother take me to the hospital because I did not trust myself.

Anyways, I was able to find some good help and put on the proper medications to help with the mood swings. Ever since then, I have become a much stronger person and I really am proud of myself. Since then, my ex and I haven’t been really on and off exactly, but we’ve been on and off in a sense of seeing each other at one moment and the next not talking to each other for days or weeks. It was all a bunch of mind games to be honest, and it wasn’t all just him. My portion of the mind games however were to get him back and make him realize what he had lost because at the time, I felt like I couldn’t live without him and I felt like I deserved that much. Which was completely wrong of me and I am disappointed in myself, but it was a situation where desperate times call for desperate measures.

Our on and off moments did have intamacy in there a few times. We ended up getting into a huge fight at one point where there was a lot of yelling and screaming and we did shove each other. Which that had never happened before, but there was so much hurt and anger between the two of us. After that fight, he texted me immediately after apologizing for all of it. I completely ignored him. I was done. He called me every single day. He ended up getting so desperate he reached out to my mother, which in the end she convinced me to talk to him and I did. Things were better for maybe a week, and then the games were on. Again, I dropped off the face of the earth because I was “done”. He pretended not to care and then went crazy. I came back, and then the games began. This went on for about 3 more times.

The second last time this happened was very recent. I didn’t talk to him because I really was done. I felt used and controlled and I wanted the games to stop. It was taking over my life. So, I left. He freaked bad and texted me every day threatening me that he was done and he was never talking to me again. My mom ended up convincing me to talk to him, once more, and I did. He was so happy to see me and confessed that he still wanted a future with me, just not right now. We made plans to hang out the next day, and he ended up admitting to me that he has some “dealings” with some people that shouldn’t be messed with and that’s why he would have to leave early from our day hanging out together. However, he ended up standing me up and not answering any of my callsor texts. I cried as hard as I did when we first broke up. After that I was completely done. Like I never wanted to talk to or hear from him ever again. He didn’t talk to me for a week and then he ended up inviting me to a party. I never answered his request. Two days later he sent me a picture of something I bought for him and then said an inside joke. I still, never responded. A week went by and he ended up calling me and leaving a voicemail telling me that he just needed some advice and someone to talk to. He never reached out like that because he’s all been a close book, but I wasn’t giving in. Then he called again and left a voicemail asking to get together for lunch. At first I was reluctant, but then I began to feel as if something was really wrong.

I ended up contacting him the next day and we did go to lunch. That was the first time he had ever apologized to me, and he apologized for not being there for me when I needed him the most because he finally knows how it feels and he couldn’t imagine how I live every day of my life like that. He ended up confessing to me about his depression, stress, and suicidal thoughts. He ended up admitting that he drinks every single day, throughout the day, even through work and when he is driving. He also admitted that he is taking pills and does some drug dealing now. All the things that he has never done when we were together, he has done now. He told me how he still sees/wants a future with me and the one thing he regrets is leaving me. He has never once ever said anything like this to me before. So I was kind of taken back and in shock.

I know what it feels like to feel that way, and I knew I would beat myself up over the fact that something could happen and I wouldn’t have been there for him. So I decided to stick around and since then he’s been texting me and seeing me and stuff. Whenever we are together he hugs and kisses me and says “I love you”. But we aren’t together right now, and he doesn’t want to be together until he gets his life back in order. Yesterday he made a sarcastic comment to me to go and find myself a boyfriend then because I asked if he wanted to go and do something with some friends and I didn’t want to be the 5th wheel. I was asking him as a friend, but I feel like he took it in a different way. He has anger problems and never seems to be completely happy.

At this point, I don’t think he will ever fully leave and if it comes to it, I would be the one to cut the ties. I truly believe that he does love me, and he doesn’t want to lose me, but he’s just got too much going on right now to even consider having a relationship with me. I don’t see him being with anyone else or attempting to do so. Even though it can be worrisome.

As of right now, he’s acting like he’s fine and he’s shutting down again. But I’m trying not to push the issue because we’ve only been reconciled for 2 weeks. I actually am not trying to push the issue over anything right now.

My biggest problem is, whenever he doesn’t respond to me, I immediately go into panic mode. I think he will never talk to me again, that he hates me, that he never loves me, and it is definitely a huge ego buster. He could be sleeping. His phone may not be working (which has been a problem lately but it was proven so I know he isn’t making it up). He may be driving. He may not even have his phone on him. He may be working. Whatever the case is, I automatically freak out if he doesn’t respond. I become paranoid. Panic attacks. Cry my eyes out. Its like I go into hysteria. I know it’s because of everything that has happened between us, and that I don’t trust him. I feel like it is just a huge ego buster. It is all understandable. But I just don’t want to feel that way. I know I can live without him. I do just fine with out him. I know the world won’t end. I know I can do so much better. So why do I act this way?

I’ve been doing great finding myself and making a difference in my own life. Going to the gym, I’m starting to pick up on yoga classes, hanging out with friends, creating family time, focusingon summer classes, etc. I feel as if in order to do better, I have to completely find myself. I want to know how to cope and relax while I focus on solely me. I know I’ll be able to focus on myself better if I don’t feel so paranoid all the time. I do want to keep him around, which is a concern. But I just don’t think that is as big of a problem right now. I feel like I just need to focus on me. Any advice on how to cope and not become hysterical if I dont hear back from him? How can I just relax about all this and focus on me? Thank you so much!!