Advice Dealing With Anger at Parents

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by Trevor.

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June 22, 2014 at 9:34 pm #59380

Trevor
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I have very kind parents, but they also have a very strict rigid worldview that I often times do not agree with. If I disagree, they become stern and make me feel guilty and shame. I think about ways to reduce this cognitive dissonance (trying to appear agreeable to parents and hiding what I am compelled to believe), but it sometimes brings me anxiety.

At times when I was younger, they watched everything I did and even put a screenwatching program on my computer. Any sort of sexual interest was deemed impure and I felt guilty about it (I no longer have a libido). I do not want to confront my parents about this, but I would like to be able to be intimate with a future significant other, and I am not sure if this is a factor (maybe previous use of antidepressants?). I was not allowed to play any games with “magic” in them, and was given a strict cookiecutter view of the world, and so I was often viewed as naive by my fellow peers and often times this was unattractive.

I do not want to look like a jerk or some sort of rebellious person, but I do not want it to appear as though I do what I do because I was told to do it. My parents’ views are rigid and I do not believe I will be able to win through confronting them, but how do I heal myself, the resentment, and find an identity that does not appear to be naive and shaped by an imposing force?

Sometimes I feel like I think too much and I should just do whatever I feel like and be rebellious if I think I should, but I think if I did that I would come across as a complete jerk. Yet if I continue to be submissive I look really naive and I don’t know if that is helping my numb desire or blunted emotions.

June 22, 2014 at 9:45 pm #59381
Trevor
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If someone would be comfortable I would really like someone to chat with or talk to about this, but any advice would be really great and make me happy

Could it be that my blunted emotions are a result of bottling things up or that I am afraid to cry because I think my parents would ask why and be upset at the reason and I would feel disvalidated? Or am I putting blame on that and it’s really something I need to work on myself?
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Trevor.
June 23, 2014 at 2:15 am #59387

@Jasmine-3
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Hi Trevor

Hello again.

Hey, most of us have had dysfunctional families at some stage. I have the best set of parents but I didn’t start appreciating them until quite late in my life. I didn’t like discipline or being told what to do from a young age. I was an extraordinarily stubborn child. So I held onto a lot of resentment for my parents for a long time even after I became financially independent.

With independence at all levels comes a realisation that you are capable of anything and you can lead your life the way you want to. And I did that but with anger and lots of WHY ME, etc. When someone told me that my parents were not at fault, I would get even more angry but this anger wasn’t hurting anyone except for myself.

Later, thanks to a random spiritual teacher, I found out that I was 100 % responsible for my miseries, stubbornness and sorrows and if I wanted to have a better life, I needed to let go of this anger. Parents do the best for their kids in most circumstances but unfortunately, kids do not come with a parenting manual. It is a trial and error process. I also learnt that everyone is trying to do the best in their capacity and no one is wrong at any time in their eyes. It is just a matter of perspective. Every coin has 2 sides, yeah.

If you want a happy existence and move forward in life, you can either let your parents know your true feelings and deal with what comes out (can be either good or bad) or you can forgive them as they didn’t really know any better and probably still don’t know any better. Everyone is imperfect as a human on this planet and everyone makes mistakes. Is it our role to make them into better parents ? I am not sure. It all depends.

Acceptance of one self and others is crucial for spiritual evolvement so I chose to spoke with my parents and made them aware of my anger when I was away from them (in my own home and not dependent on them). They dealt with it very well and over the course of few years, our relationship improved amazingly well and now I hold so much unconditional love for them. They have accepted me for whom I am and I have done the same. We have both evolved 🙂

At the end of the day, everyone is on their own journey. We come alone and we go alone. We meet certain people on the way, become acquainted with some and some become very entwined with our lives but MY life is MY life. If you are not happy with your life, there is no way you can make anyone else happy. We cant give out what we don’t have. By working on self, you will be able to move forward in life and forgiveness will come easy then. People who try to change others keep going around in circles of sorrows but those who do not waste their energies in trying to change others find an immense calmness and peace in their lives.

If you need to speak with someone physically then I suggest that you find a good clinical psychologist or an accredited hypnotherapist. It is always good to tap into professional resources rather than try and do it yourself if the anger is too deep and hurt is causing you physical symptoms.

Hope this helps,

Jasmine

June 23, 2014 at 3:12 am #59388
lucyb
Participant
Hello Trevor – most people have some sort of resentment toward their parents, it’s one of those almost inevitable trials of life. If you don’t mind my saying, you seem to be a little preoccupied with how you ‘appear’. Perhaps you need to stop caring what other people think, including your parents – and just be yourself, whatever that is. Forgive yourself for having conditioning – we all do. We are all shaped by our parents and upbringing. Whether we go along with it or reject it – we are all reacting to it somehow and mostly in subconscious ways. You seem to be fighting yourself, not your parents. Maybe you just need to accept yourself as you are and then work on overcoming any hang-ups with an understanding partner.

Lucy
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by lucyb.
June 23, 2014 at 4:29 am #59390

Inky
Participant

Hi

Everyone has Part One of their lives (Childhood). But everyone also has missing chapters. Including parents!

When I was growing up, I was dressed exquisitely. My casual clothes? Khaki pants and a white polo shirt. Guess what happened when I was in my 20s and independent?? Jeans and tee-shirts. Now I’m too old to wear them all the time, but I am making up for the times when I couldn’t wear them!

Make a list of all the things you would love to do and then go nuts when you are out of the house. Incentive to get out and something to look forward to!

Your parents are fighting The Culture. All parents actually fight against The Culture in their own way.

And as far as “Appearances”? Even today, ministers’ sons get in the most trouble ;). No one looks down on you, they know that you are just waiting to bust out. 🙂

June 23, 2014 at 10:16 am #59403

Trevor
Participant

Thank you all for this Wisdom and a part of me I think knows that I can’t change other people I have to change myself. I think about meditating and try to find sources of anxiety and kind of focus on a mantra I come up with that refutes the anxious thought or belief.
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