Dear anita,

the main source of distraction is the internet. Often I scroll or watch videos for hours, not feeling happy with myself but still it is hard to stop. What do I think or feel? Hard to say, maybe it is dread to start the task I have to do. Drawing is harder than watching a video. Sometimes I also want to do so many things, have so many ideas that I have a hard time deciding what to do then I end up doing nothing. Then I feel bad about myself for wasting time.

Yesterday it would not even been so hard to continue on my project. The composition was already for the most part ready in my head, the colors were already chosen. So I didnot even have to think so hard, still I distracted myself. My therapist sometimes asked me: what is the source of this? Why am I not “allowing” myself to be successful? (something like that)

Often I also work on the less important projects that we shouldn’t spend so much time on. I do spend lots of time on them, too much time! Maybe because they are easier to do, as they don’t have to be perfect, finished projects. Maybe I still want to make everything perfect. Recently I came to the conclusion that this is very ineffective.

Maybe it is also because I am spending too much time alone and my life is not balanced. My therapist once said that if I spend more time with friends, I will also get more of my illustration work done. (her theory)

Today I actually did work on one of my collages after work. So that was good. Let’s see if I can do some more now.

Tomorrow I should definitely be able to finish it. But I also want to go for a walk or something.

Until then!

Dear anita,

you are right, it is a habit. I don’t know about self-sabotage. When my therapist brought that up, I did not fully understand. According to psychology today it is “Behavior is said to be self–sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals.”. This applies to the behaviour of procrastination. But I don’t know…

Maybe because my thoughts can become overwhelming, I then decide to distract myself. But this doesn’t make me happy and I want to change.

Recently, I feel like I am getting a bit better though. Maybe I am just imagining it. Today I worked on my collage and I felt so happy with myself. Also, when I look at finished projects, I often feel satisfied with myself (sometimes I of course think that I can improve this or that). The worst part is often starting, then I am questioning myself and comparing myself to others. For example, when I started to study, I looked at other students work and felt inferior. Some had a very realistic style, others were more abstract. There were few with a more naive style like me. But this is me and when I stay true to myself, I feel the most happy and content with myself. I am feeling in tune with my true nature like today.

Even though the day did not start so well. I hadn’t slept very much, feeling stressed from work (I feel overwhelmed and insecure about the social interactions there and embarrassed). But then I cleaned up and made progress with my collage.

Tomorrow I want to work more on my collage booklet and go out into nature.

Here it is also going to rain soon, according to wheather predictions. In the last days it was more warm and sunny though. Today I even wore a summer dress.

Good day and night, anita!

Dear anita,

I think I understand better this time, that you men distracting myself is a habit that I do without the intention to self-sabotage.

Also, I think I have quite a few positive distractions: going for a walk, cooking, dancing.

At the moment I am a bit tired, so I won’t write too much. Today I was happier with myself and also slept better. In the morning I went running and then I spent most of the day with my projects. I finished one collage. In the evening I went for another walk.

Overall I am satisfied with myself today. Tomorrow I will go towork. When I’m back, I should do yoga to de-stress and also draw. Good night, anita!

Dear anita,

thank you for always reading my posts.

Today it was a busy day at work, but I felt like I didn’t handle it too badly. But I am tired now. Tomorrow I will start a new collage.

Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

in the morning I went running, then to therapy. When I tlked about wanting to meet others to draw together, my therapist suggested that I could start it by myself. I am always hesistant when it comes to taking action, but maybe it would be a good thing to try… I still have to think about all the things we talked about.

Then in the afteroon I started my collage (it is not a new project, but part o a booklet of collages). It is not finished yet, but I have made progress. You are right that there is no real perfection in a way and I always liked the freedom of it. At the same time, there are certain crierias that you use to determine if an artwork is good or bad, like composition or use of color. But actually I often like art that is not perfect and for example hyperrealistic artworks can be a bit boring for me.

Tomorrow is another work day, but maybe afterwards I can work on my collage again. Or it would also be nice to go for a walk.

Good night/day!

Dear anita,

sorry if I sounded a bit pretentious.And I also think I did not explain so well. What I meant is that I guess you could determine certain things. For example if anatomy is wrong or perspective is wrong, but on the other hand in art you are allowed to break the rules too. But sometimes you also can see that something like anatomy for example just doesn’t work and that the artist needs to practice more.

Myself, I am not too well-versed in anatomy and some things as well and can still improve. But it is also not the most important thing for me. I like drawings that just evoke some feeling in me, that tell a story and where I can see the passion of the artist. I don’t care too much for perfect anatomy. Maybe it is just a question of taste.

I don’t know, the most important thing for me is to create and express myself and improve myself. I like the freedom that art can give you, there is not such a big risk of failing. Why do I still feel so much anxiety though???

Sorry, I don’t know if this makes any sense. The best thing is to just draw and not think too much (I still often do).

At work it was a busy day again. I have decided to take tomorrow off, because my hand and around the elbow it hurts a bit since some days and I feel worried. So I want to spend some time in nature.

Until next time!

Dear anita,

you are right, Picasso did not stay to true to human anatomy 😀

Yes, you did not say that I was pretentious, sometimes I just worry that I might sound like that. It is likely that my inner critic is often responsible for my procrastination.

Today was a very nice day. I decided to go to the sea by train! It was the perfect weather for that: sunny and warm. The water was also warm and I swam and dived for a while and did some underwater handstands… It must have looked ridiculous but it was fun. Then I also read at the beach for a while and ate some fruit salad and potato salad I had prepared. And I even ate icecream. The best part was a long walk at the beach. I walked along the sandbank and collected some shells. The only thing that could have made it better was going there with someone. But my roommates already said that we might go to the sea together one day.

Oh yes the nettles! Yes, it seems not so long ago that they were starting to grow. So far I did not spend so much time collecting herbs this year, but maybe next weekend I will collect elder flowers! I want to dedicate a little time to spend in nature every week from now on.

Have a good day!