Dear anita

the walk was nice and long. I also saw blossoms and flowers. The lilac is about to bloom, also the rhododendron. It smells good everywhere. There is also a canola field nearby. All that yellow looks so beautiful. And I like that the birds are singing so much in spring. Also, I took some herbs and later made a smoothie with them.

In the afternoon I worked on my collages.

Everything is fine, sometimes I just wish I had someone to spend some time with.

Now I will work more on my drawings. Tomorrow as well. And I want to do yoga in the morning again.

Thank you for wishing me a restful night and I did sleep well. I hope your nights are restful as well. Until next time!

Dear anita,

today I was not so productive. Maybe going to work tomorrow will help.

Regarding other persons: you are right, spending time with kind people feels good. Maybe I should step out of my comfort zone more to make friends or at least learn something. At the moment I just still feel a bit insecure about meeting new people. But as long as I am getting to know others slowly and don’t overstep my own boundaries to fulfill others’ expectations, I should be safe.

Here the sun is setting around nine. Now it is still semi-light. But it also was a grey day.

Hope you had a good day! Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

today was a messy day at work. I made a lot of mistakes. It would be nice if I was just a relaxed, calm person, but I become very nervous and hectic and then things go wrong. I want to help,I want to do the right thing, but then it often turns out to be the wrong thing. This job is probably not very fitting for me. With lots of contact to people and them coming to me asking me questions, it is something that makes me very nervous and insecure and then I make mistakes. For some part of the day I did well, but then I failed again.

When we talked about going slowly, it also applies to such situations. If only I could just stop myself and calm down a bit before acting. But most of the time, the more insecure I become, the more I want to make things right, and the quicker I make mistakes.

Well, right now I cannot do much about it. So best to think of something else.

Tomorrow I want to work on my drawings and maybe do something like yoga or going for a walk.

Good night!

Dear anita,

you are right, it takes some time to make changes. And the progress is not always linear. I am trying and I have already made some progress.

For a few days, my thoughts had become very dark and I was not very productive. At least today I cleaned up and watched a video about art that made me feel inspired again. Now I am feeling like I am getting in a better mindset again. So I am positive that tomorrow I will work on my projects.

Thanks for your help and goodnight!

Dear anita,

today I am feeling much better. In the morning I made some sketches, but I also spent time reading today. Tomorrow I want to go back to my old schedule with waking up early and working for uni at the set times.

As for the thoughts, I sometimes start to feel that my life is so empty, I feel useless and worthless and ashamed of myself. Then I start to fear that I will never improve and I start imagining how I hurt myself. It is a feeling of shame, feeling ashamed of who I am. It feels like everything is over and I have ruined everything. I start to think about everything I did wrong and such things… But not today. I have calmed myself, even though I am still embarrassed about Friday.

Maybe it was just because of PMS or because I had spent too much time inside. Thank you for asking.

I hope your weekend went well! Take care!

Dear anita,

I had just typed a whole answer to your reply, but then my internet connection was gone and all is gone now :/ At the moment I am feeling too tired, so tomorrow I will write more.

Just quickly, it is amazing how much progress you made and I hope to also make more soon. Sorry that your meeting didn’t go so well. You are right that you don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed for merely expressing your opinion. That woman clearly overreacted. I hope you are having a more pleasant day today!

My day was quite productive and I started and finished a whole collage and did yoga: Tomorrow I will also work on my collage booklet again and maybe go for a walk. Goodnight!

Dear anita,

good idea about copying the text! It’s just too frustrating to lose a post and then having to start over.

O.K., I understand about not having to post a long post in return. It was just that I had written a little bit more and then it was gone. And thanks for sharing!

Good to also know that things are getting better in the U.S. about covid. Must be nice to not have to wear a mask indoors 🙂 After my company gave me a paper to get a vaccine, I tried to book an appointment, but it is always booked out. Maybe someday I will be lucky.

There was also some other good news about work. One of the problems from Friday is resolved. Some money was missing, but it was just a mere typo. I am also grateful to my co-worker for letting me know!

Today I also went to therapy and also mentioned the work problems. From now on I want to try to go slower and not immediately react. Best stop for a moment before acting. When thinking about my problems, I remembered the scene from a Mr. Bean movie, where he is left alone with a valuable piece of artwork. Then he sneezes on it, tries to fix it, and makes it worse and worse. Until the face of the portrait is completely wiped out and he draws a ridiculous face on it. I felt like this is me, always trying to fix things, making it worse. Sometimes I should just accept that it didn’t work out and let it be. In the end, I could laugh a little bit at myself. But I was also thinking that I sometimes must get on my co-workers’ nerves with all my worries and insecurities. I also want to try and self-soothe and try not to ask for reassurance so much.

Otherwise, my day was so so in productivity. I drew for a bit but also procrastinated by reading. But reading is better than getting lost on the internet at least. Tomorrow I want to focus on my collages again.

Until then!

Dear anita,

I wish you a good experience at the Trader Joe’s store!

At the moment, I have a hard time sticking to my plans and goals. For some reason, it was easier during quarantine? In the future, I have to become more disciplined with myself. Why am I doing this to myself?? It feels so frustrating…

Best to finish the day as good as I can, set specific plans for tomorrow, and try again.