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A victim of condescension or insecurities?

HomeForumsTough TimesA victim of condescension or insecurities?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #66908
    LoveAndLive
    Participant

    I joined grad school about three months back and it’s the first time that I’m living away from home. My roommates initially were very nice and I bonded very well, especially with girl. This roomie is a really smart kid. When I met her for the first time, she seemed sweet and someone who was willing to adjust and was generally polite. She was slightly under confident and I could totally relate to her. But, with the passage of time, as we became more comfortable in each other’s company, this other side of her started showing. She is brutally honest. Sometimes it worked for me, her honesty. But sometimes I just can’t take it. I’ve always been a very diplomatic person, thinking twice before speaking. There have been times when I have been brutally honest with a friend or with a family member, but I have always taken care of the fact that the other person is never hurt by my words, an in most cases my friends and family would also reciprocate when the tables turned. Therefore, I’m not used to people like this girl.

    Our bonding was based on similar interests like reading, writing, a similar taste in movies and music etc. On a daily basis we do not face issues at all. We have been working on a project for the past few weeks and now, I constantly feel that whenever I propose some idea, she invariably runs it down as impractical. Not only that, while reviewing each other’s work, she sometimes points out the faults in my work in a very condescending fashion. She has suddenly started giving away these vibes of superiority and she always acts in an authoritative fashion, whenever she’s around me. She’s never directly said so, but it’s probably just her tone of speech that seems to give away such vibes. But, even after all this she would seek my opinion on every work she submits, every article she writes. This kind of behaviour is confusing to me. I, being a non-confrontational and peace loving person by nature, have not confronted her or ever expressed my disappointment, though I have been hurt by her words multiple times. My self confidence has gone for a toss. I know for a fact that she definitely considers herself smarter than me and it has become quite evident in the past few weeks, though I cannot decipher why her thoughts or her opinion of me should matter. I can’t seem to figure out whether this is all in my head or whether I really am being treated unfairly by my friend. My self esteem has hit the rock bottom.

    Any advice or comment would be very helpful!

    #66912
    Becky
    Participant

    Hi, I usually don’t reply to these posts but feel very strongly about yours. I am a very brutally honest person and have been told the look on my face shows how angry I am. This isn’t true. I am NOT angry, it’s just my face. Had it all my life. I am-was, very insecure when I was younger. The older I get the more secure I become. I hope I have never acted superior or condescending, as I truly love people and would give my life for another. I just wanted to say, maybe you could tell your friend, calmly, how you’re feeling. People have done that with me. And I appreciate the opportunity to change and grow, while also being able to explain my face does not tell what I’m thinking. No one can read minds. Communication was hard for me at first, now I love it. I just hope you don’t let someone else make you feel insecure, whether it’s on purpose, or unconscious. Many people feel better if they can be “superior” to someone who maybe has it together better than them! People are strange, but it’s so much better to be able to talk and accept. And if she doesn’t get it, if she’s doing it on purpose, you don’t deserve to be treated badly. Tell her! You are just as important as anyone else breathing this air. Your life is precious. I hope you don’t waste time letting someone make you miserable. O.K., I’ll quit. Love and Luck, Becky

    #66913
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi Kaushambi,

    I agree with what Becky has said, you talk about it and tell her exactly what you feel – that is not being confrontational but being mature and standing your ground. Dont waste time if she doesnt get it or continues to do so.

    Also, my first thought as I read your post was that it was amazing that you are non-confrontational and peace loving…but do you think it is right to do that even in situations where someone is putting you down? Is it SO important for you to be non-confrontational that you dont do or say anything even though they treat you poorly? Im not sure you should be, the world is a harsh place and you need to take care of yourself. Never change who you are, that is important but so is looking after yourself . People can be cruel and mean and you need to tell/teach them how you deserve to be treated.

    Good luck – look after you 🙂

    Lily

    #66914
    Jessa
    Participant

    Dear Kaushambi,

    Your story sounds like my own. I am a gentle, conflict-avoidant person by nature. Conflict makes me uncomfortable and I am very sensitive to others feelings, and often take great care with them. And like you, I used to find people who are authoritative and outspoken pretty intimidating. To soothe you, this is a common experience for people like us in college. We were often raised in families where people are very aware of emotions, and then for the first time we meet people who were not raised like us. Here is what I learned:

    I was in a very similar situation with a past friend. She and I didn’t remain friends- our relationship ultimately fell apart. But I learned a LOT from her. Not everyone is quiet, sweet, and peace-loving. And that’s a good thing in our world. If everyone avoided conflict, things would never change for the better. Even though I found her intimidating, I admired my friend’s self-confidence and ability to speak her mind. But I also saw that sometimes she was too harsh. I learned from her how to express myself more and not stay quiet all the time, which grew my confidence. I learned from my experiences with my ex-friend that moving toward conflict and confrontation in a COMPASSIONATE way is the key to creating change in relationships.

    I would talk to your roommate before you jump to conclusions about what she thinks about you. Maybe she is just not very good at giving gentle constructive criticism. Maybe she is trying to appear professional and business-like for your project, because she feels the need to be a leader. Especially if your friend is thick-skinned and handles criticism well, maybe she thinks this is normal behavior and doesn’t realize how much her condescending tone and her words are hurting you. The fact that she continues asking for your opinion tells me that in general, she does value your ideas and input, otherwise she wouldn’t take the time to ask.

    Think of it this way: by staying silent, you actually are not following your peace-loving nature. You are allowing this conflict to perpetuate, and even worsen. If it was going away, you would feel better in your heart, instead of feeling upset and watching your self-esteem plummet. You cannot control your friend; but you do have control over your own actions, and your actions have the power to influence this situation. You may be a victim of both condescension AND insecurities, but you do not have to STAY a victim.

    Have a conversation with her. She seems to value honesty- tell her you want to be honest with her. Use your personal skills of empathy and understanding, but also let her know that you are hurt and offended by her actions. Focus on being honest about your feelings, not on blaming her. Be cautious to avoid passive-aggressiveness (something we ‘gentle’ people are very good at). Suggest a fair solution.

    This is a very mature, compassionate approach. If she can’t handle it, and she ends up blaming everything on you rather than taking credit for her faults, then you know that the problem is with her and not you. If she can handle it and you guys work through your differences, then congrats on learning a new way to keep the peace.

    – Jessa

    #67117
    LoveAndLive
    Participant

    Hi Becky, Lily and Jessa,

    I really want to thank all of you for sparing time to read my post and helping me with your advice. I had a word about the whole situation with my mother too. And she too, shares the same opinion, that in this harsh world, I need to take care of myself. It might be my low self esteem because of which I probably tend to ignore my own importance or the fact that my feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. For instance, only yesterday night she called me a ‘pushover’ very conveniently. Though she apologised, I was hurt by her words. And I took the first step towards being gently confrontational (or was I being passively aggressive?) by just being a little cold. I avoided conversation for a while and answered only when I was asked something. I think she did understand that she was sort of mean to me. I am taking baby steps towards standing up for myself. I don’t know whether I really am a pushover. No one has ever told me that. I believe in the concept of karma which keeps me at peace about all those people who I feel have somehow wronged me in life. But, I think what all three of you have suggested is something that I really need to work on. I will start taking care of myself. Thanks a lot for your valuable advice! 🙂

    #68233
    Yatin Khulbe
    Participant

    Hi Kaushambi. You are right coz kuch log hote hai those who are interested in pulling us down. They are always busy in proving their superiority by discarding your views. There is a sense of insecurity which prevents them to aprreciate someone else. In this process, they try to hide their weakness by either losing their temper or becoming bossy. It is okay to command your own voice in such a manner that other person don’t tresspass your peaceful zone.
    As a friend, I would suggest that follow what your heart says. “Suno sabki but karo apni”. Dont think too much when someone says something to you (like your friend said you pushover). Its her opinion and you can’t stop her also, but its upon you only whether to embrace it or discard it.
    Wishing you a great life ahead.

    #84135
    LoveAndLive
    Participant

    Hi Yatin,

    Haha, perhaps you are right. I have learnt to keep my distance from certain kinds of people. Nonetheless, in this case, my friend is just a certain kind and I don’t think I can help it. So. I have learnt to stay away. Thank you for your response. And, I also do apologise for replying so excruciatingly late. I’ve visited my profile here after a very very long time, so much so that I couldn’t even recall my log in details. Anyway, thank you very much. Wishing you a great life ahead too! 🙂

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