Dear Tee:

Thank you so much for a very, very supportive message. Truly, I am thrilled to receive it and I am most 🙏 grateful.

I can’t copy and paste using my phone, so I am answering in a different way.

Thank you for saying I’m truly re’parenting my inner child. Truly, this is your legacy in my life, and for that I am indeed forever grateful 🙏 to you, Tee.

Yes, indeed, she convinced me that she’d kill herself. Her histrionic “poor me”, or more accurate, “poor, poor, poor… poor, poorest me” was very convincing. I was too young to doubt her and I was scared day in and day out, night after night, not able to sleep as I listened to sounds that may have meant that she was doing the deed.

The cruelty on her part in this regard is incredible. Like she completely disregarded the inescapable impact of her behavior.

Thank you for the support and encouragement in regard to Bogart. He’s become an escape artist on walks as he learned to remove the leash off him, scared 😱 me so much as he ran off and I was afraid for him, screaming his name very loud. He returned, thankfully, but Freedom really calls him, he just wants to RUN as fast as he feels like… The Call of the Wild.

Thank you for encouraging me to keep expressing. I probably will not long after I submit this message. Whenever you reply is okay 👍 with me.

Please 🙏 take good care of yourself first ✌️👍

🤍 🙏 🤍 Anita

* you were there in my mind’s eye, Tee, as I was typing the above, made possible by you, Tee, by your input, by your support 🙏🙏🙏🤍🤍🤍👧

Dear Alessa:

So good 👍 to read from you here on my thread (and elsewhere).

Sorry 😞 to read your son is sick again. Hoping he’ll feel better 🙏 very soon.

My noise machine has 3 settings: static sound, train and ocean waves 🌊.

Bogart has bonded with me, no doubt but doesn’t seem to consider me an authority figure when HE takes me on walks.😟.

What is “recall and walk off..”?

🙏 🤍 Anita

I started this thread on Oct 9, 2025, three months and 3 days ago.

Things have changed since. I had to say goodbye to a 4 years and 2 months way of life.

And after that goodbye, I said hello to a new person in my life: a 6-month old beagle 🐕

I feel the least need I ever had to talk about “my” Mother (she’s never been “mine”).

She’s never, ever been mine.

What I mean by it is that I understand now the huge. Huge. I mean huge GAP between what she meant to me, and what I meant to her.

In simple words, she was EVERYTHING to me, and I was NOTHING to her.

She had actually said it: “You are a Nothing, a Zero, a one big zero”.

She meant, looking back, that to her I was a Nobody, a Nothing. That was her experience of me, and that’s what she told me in so many ways, over so many years.

It all comes down to just this one thing: a GAP between what she meant to me-

And what she meant to me.

I am not even blaming her for feeling that I was a Nobody, a Nothing.

I just want to accept this reality. Just because it was what it was.

To her, sincerely (on her part, how she felt), I was.. Nothing.

There’s nothing I could have done about it back then and nothing I can do about it now.

That she once in a while tried to FOOL me and lie to me, saying words she didn’t mean, like she.. what did she say, words like she loved me, something like that.. Did she ever say that?

No, she didn’t and she hadn’t. And there was nothing I could have ever done about it.

So, it’s no longer about who’se the good guy; who’se the bad me within her.

And I can’t blame her for not feeling what she didn’t feel.

If only. But she didn’t.
`
It’s like.. a no meeting of the minds case. I loved her; She was my Everything. She didn’t; I was Nothing to her. Just an obligation (to feed, to clothe, etc.), that and nothing else.

It just so happened. No indication of my .. lack of worth; just an indication of what was NOT in her heart.

No longer resisting this simple, terrible truth.

🤍 Anita

Quite simple, a case of unrequited love, a one-sided love, that of a little girl’s love for her mother.

A love unreturned, unmatched, left alone to rot in isolation.

And nothing I could ever done about it, NO MATTER WHAT-

Like, no matter how intense, no matter how much.. there’s absolutely NOTHING I could have ever done about changing any of this.

Just couldn’t make her Love me. Long before she gave birth to it (me), it was not within her to love that thing she gave birth to.

* using my phone 📱, thought it was a pink heart 💕 (not red)

Blue it is!

Blue heart makes me think of you, Alessa- hope you are feeling much better this Wed morning 🌄 (your time).

🩵 💙 🩵 💙 Anita