I would hug you so tightly right now. Xoxo I identity with you. I’m letting go too. How can something that hAppened 30 years ago have such an effect on me still? I’ve been afraid of him..afraid that love will be tAken from.me. that to fear him and his lies is safety because the light is fleeting and will only leave me. Surely can’t trust that love will always be there. Ive been a prisoner of my own making. By trusting this darkness which has been more reliable than love, I’ve rejected or cut off this perfect innocent part of me that is still waiting to be loved..I felt unlovable. Very unworthy. He told me I was bad and that my mother wouldn’t love me if I told her. I didn’t want to make mommy upset. I don’t want her to.stop loving me.

But wait. Herr I am. 38yr old and I know damn well it is a lie that I’m not lovable if I expose him. He’s only been able to hurt me by deceiving me.  He’s made me.believe better to live in this fear and emptiness than to trust in the light. I thought I was dead inskde. Maybe I’m not..I’m safe now.

I free myself by forgiving him. I see now you need love too. I’m sorry you are hurting too. I resented you. I believe I was bad. I believed I wasn’t good enouggm. I felt guilty for not being enougg. I felt shame for believing it was my fault. I closed my heart because it wasn’t safe to feel. Used to you had power over me because  you stole from me and I believed your lies. I was the powerful one all along because I had something you lacked. I had love. I had power. You hated that I had what you lacked which is why you stole mine. But I’ve learned that nothing is ever gone permanently. Things are put away for safe keeping until we’re ready to rediscover them. I have a resoveuri of love already with me. See that light you feared so much isn’t a threat to me. You knew that if I trusted the light just enough it would expose you for what you really are. A coward. I release you. I am.powerful and it ‘s safe. Still I hear your fear. Will it last, is love fleeting……I release that as well.

I used to look at my life as “what could have been”. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way….basing my whole life after those events being completely different..better. but it did happen that way. Why? Who knows. Maybe it never was about ne.

• I know that I love myself. Ive hated for so long..me. but this darkness wasn’t ever me, it was the absence of me and the presence of.you. but I can’t hate you anymore. To.hate you is to.hate me. When you stole from.me.you stole from.yourself..everything you did to me.you did to.you. I release both of us..forgive us for our sins Lord, have mercy on us. Heal our hearts from.hate

That is beautiful. You are a gift to the world. Love and Light.

Hannah! Your words make me feel strong