Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→A journey of self destruction and fear
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September 9, 2018 at 6:24 pm #224849
BrandyParticipantHey Neil!
Yes, you would love San Francisco. The city is great but I especially love the wine country — plenty of running trails with amazing views at every turn. You and your daughters need to check it out one day!
So you see a clear path to peace and happiness but getting there will cause suffering, so you are fearful of taking that first step. Do I have this right?
How did you become such an amazing writer anyway?
B
September 10, 2018 at 9:27 am #225037
NaCParticipantHey Brandy,
You got it spot on!
There is a path but it’s not quite clear. The first step on the journey needs me to be brave and will incur loss and right now, I don’t know if I want to lose what I’m going to lose. I’m going to hurt someone- really badly, but without doing that, I know I will never have what I want and need. I know myself well enough to know what the future looks like for me without taking this fearful step- I know it because I feel it today and the unbearable guilt I suffer is because of it. When I take the step, that’s not the end of it. I know that I will journey through a grief cycle for the person I hurt and in that, I know that, in time, that will fade. There is risk in the choice I need to take. Financial risk, work risk, risk of loneliness, risk of more guilt, risk that I’m getting it completely wrong. How is it that we can feel the deepest pain and yet when we take ourself to the edge of the cliff of the solution, we can rationalise the pain enough to talk ourselves out of jumping. I’m going through that right now- talking myself out of jumping when I know that to close my eyes and gently fall forward until stepping back again is gravitationally impossible and just going with the free fall of my choice is the fear I have to overcome. Is it my pain or someone else’s I care more about? Am I doing this for me and in doing so ruining more lives? Should I just accept that I’ve made so many mistakes and bad choices now that I should sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life so that others should not have to suffer. Guilt for selfishness now!
Jeez this is hard. I can’t breathe or get any respite from this at all. Did you ever feel so trapped you just wanted someone, anyone, to take the choice away and just make it for you? Have you ever been that stuck?
San Francisco sounds amazing and it looks like I was right to make it a dream. Running, views, wine…….perfect ?.
I didn’t know I wrote well? But Thankyou. I guess when you write, you talk to the page and don’t really have a feel for how the reader receives it. I don’t know what your mood is, your interpretation or any variable that could change the meaning or emphasis of a single word. So I guess I just talk- openly, honestly, vulnerably and from the heart and hope that it’s enough. N
September 10, 2018 at 12:40 pm #225079BrandyParticipantDamn! Are you sure you’re not an English PhD? 🙂
So let’s break it down: 1) Currently you are physically safe, right? I mean you have a roof over your head, food and water, no one is threatening or harming you, right? 2) Currently your daughters are safe too, right? I mean they are not being harmed in any way? If these are both true, then the enormous urgency to take this first scary step right now is that you can’t bear the torture that’s going on between your ears a second longer, nothing more, right? But we already determined that making a life-changing decision from an unhealthy mental state isn’t a wise move, didn’t we?
You may say, No, that’s not quite accurate. The real urgency is that my daughters have been without their dad for too long and I need to fix that right now, and my answer to that would be No, if they are safe both physically and emotionally, then this decision can wait a little longer until your mental state is healthy.
Look, you and I are strangers typing on keyboards from two different continents, and through the exchange of only a handful of messages I can tell that you’re a very smart guy. You’ve been looking for various ways to escape your suffering for many years but every choice you’ve made has only increased your agony. So what if you just chilled out for a second, relaxed, took a deep breath, and took the time to understand real well exactly what it is you’re trying to escape. What if you stopped drinking, started exercising again, and focused real hard on stepping outside the chaos in your head and looking at your situation from an objective standpoint. What if you took, say, one month or 6 weeks to do these things religiously before deciding whether or not to take that first scary step? And what if during this time you looked down for a way out instead of up (as Peter suggested)?
Have you ever considered that the choices you made may have been crappy ones for you but the right ones for your girls? In other words, is it possible that your being away from them the past 3 years could have actually been better than the alternative for their wellbeing? The truth is that you may not have as much to feel guilty about as you think you do.
So back to what Peter said: Sometimes the way out isn’t up but down, and you may say: I’ve done that already and it hasn’t worked! Okay, fair enough. So let’s talk about that. What exactly have you done other than self-help books, audios, you-tube clips, inspirational quotes, and a few meds?
B
September 11, 2018 at 1:29 am #225131
PrashParticipantDear Neil,
I had been reading what you had been talking to the page over the last few days. One thing kept coming to me as I kept reading your posts and that was pressure. A pressure on yourself, a repeated and continuous pressure;, an inability to forgive, an inability to let go of the past. Sample these
I want to be the person I want to be but I’ve reached a stage where I am totally spent and exhausted.
I want to be compared to the premier league dads and to earn that right, there’s a journey to travel
The big challenge then is to rationalise what we are feeling, identify why and as you said to me, forgive yourself. But how can you ever forgive yourself?
The expectation I had of myself was higher and in not living out the dream, much sadness and sabotaging emotion and feeling has ensued. I expected better of myself
I told myself that each day has to make a difference.
Each day where I don’t take action- no matter how fearful it is, is a day wasted.
I know I will have mountains to climb but if I want peace and inner fulfilment, well, it isn’t going to happen in this version of my life anyway
As Brandy has written, what you probably need is slow things down. When you talk to yourself like that, I feel that is setting yourself up for more disappointment. I believe acceptance is key. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
You sure have the means to do what you probably need
If we just observe ourselves and take a back seat and listen to how we feel, respond and then have the mindfulness and courage to explore that, we never stop growing.
Small steps and keep moving forward. We all have so much to be grateful for in this life and the secret is how we remain mindful and in tune with what we do have instead what we don’t
The person who did those things doesn’t exist, it was a version of ourselves in construction that did them and we weren’t complete yet so how inevitable is it that there’s going to be an adverse effect. If we drove a half built car and crashed it because we didn’t fit the brakes yet, we wouldn’t feel guilty- we’d identify the problem, fix it and move on.
Last thing. It is something that I read somewhere (can’t recall the source). None of these things are going to work unless you work, unless you persistently and consistently support yourself.
Take care.
Hope to read more from you.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by
Prash.
September 11, 2018 at 1:32 am #225133PrashParticipant@ Brandy,
Posting here since I felt this is the best way to reach you. Thank you for all your posts. They have helped me a lot. Truly appreciate your presence in this forum.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Prash.
September 11, 2018 at 5:04 am #225145NaCParticipantHi Brandy
No, definitely not an English PhD 🙂
Once again, thankyou kindly for your time and persistence! Your replies are extremely helpful and insightful and very accurate. They make me think and challenge me. Remember our conversation about needing people around us who will challenge us rather than simply agree with us? My interpretation of how you write and talk is that you are being that to me but not in an agressive or provocative way- more feeling your way and doing so when approrpriate. I see that and very much appreciate it too.
Yes is the answer to all those early questions- we are all physically safe and yes, we did agree (although maybe not in written words) that to make decisions from anything less than clarity will carry risk of further problems.
Ok, I feel I need to be more specific as to exactly what is going on so as to help explain the urgency and why I feel so pressured and trapped. Before I do that, I want to explore with you what I’ve done so far becuase I feel now I have to journey back through that to understand a) what Ive done and b) what have I learned. Ive done all the things I told you and those things you listed. Ive seen a counsellor twice- mainly that route because I never had anyone else to talk to at the time as I was quite alone and so I guess I was paying for someone to listen so I could hear out loud what I was thinking. Counselling didnt really do much for me as I found there was a limit to their understanding and once we’d run past all the theory, there wasnt anything else left. Maybe I expected answers rather than being satisfied with receiving help and then understanding how to apply it. Probably the most powerful thing I ever did was once write a letter to myself. In this letter I took the role of myself inside my head but as a critical observer of my life and I spoke to myself. I talked as though I’d been alongside myself, observing my life and in that letter, I played back to myself what I’d seen and then also why I thought that was. Why did I do this? Because I truly believe in finding the root cause to a problem- truly understanding the answers right at the core- even if it means challenging myself, making myself feel uncomfortable and being truly honest- with myself in a way that only I know if i am being. So, to your earlier question of have I done what Peter suggested (note to self ‘need to thank him’), the answer is yes- and some! My only fear is that now being aware of that, did I leave myself down there in the roots and never resurface?
In my letter, I looked for answers, clues, a trail of crumbs to the problem and hopefully, solution. I pulled apart every key stage of my life, I searched my feelings, my values, my actions and looked for reasons why and what commonality might there be between those early actions to the actions I take as the grown up version of myself. So, what did I find? I definitely found a need for recognition- to be loved and accepted. Not in a needy way or having to always be first, but just by way of recognition that- I am enough or good enough. The way I behaved at school, with my early friends and my family was all about feeling safe, loved, fitting in and just about being enough. Without delving right into the details, I strongly believe the decisions I took to turn right instead of left- many times, had that core need of having to feel like I was good enough or that I alone, and not my actions and gestures, were enough. Perhaps I already had that from my children and therefore didnt need to seek it in them and in seeking from others, in making decisions to acquire that, incurred the loss I feel today and pure hell of guilt, shame and regret. The ‘me’ I spoke to in that letter needed and craved the things I feel I deprived my children of (for part of their life) and when I talk of guilt and the pain- it comes from a place of understanding where it originates but not of one of understanding how I could have done those things. I took away, particularly my youngest daughter’s, right to have a father around. I put her through the most unimaginable hell inside her head. I turned her whole world upside down and will have inflicted on her views of the world, relationships, parenting, love and god knows what that her innocent mind did not have to be corrupted by. I didnt think, didnt know and only saw my own problems and situation and whatever has triggered this train of thought, has shown me that if I take the necessary action NOW, I can at least stop the loss for not one more day than it needs to be. She has three years before she goes to uni and each day I take inaction, equals a day of loss of opportunity, repair and growth. That is where my urgency and my problem comes from, but as I get more emotional as I write, I too realise that I would be better off just making a choice and dealing with the consequences later- rather than continmue to exist here in paralysis. N
September 11, 2018 at 12:50 pm #225217BrandyParticipantHi Prash,
That is a very nice thing to say to me. Thank you very much. And I feel the same way about your presence here.
B
September 11, 2018 at 1:30 pm #225219BrandyParticipantHi Neil,
I understand better now. What’s most clear to me and I believe to anyone who read your post is that you are a decent and honest person. In my humble opinion, the most important quality in a parent is honesty and you got it.
It’s almost impossible not to deprive your children of the same things you were deprived of as a kid. As parents we tell ourselves in the beginning that we won’t repeat our parents’ mistakes, but we can’t help it. It may be unavoidable. Maybe it has something to do with the wiring of our brains during our own development. I don’t know.
You couldn’t have predicted that any of your choices would have affected your daughter the way they did. Marriages fail every day, people re-marry, start over. Each kid is affected differently. Some do much better once their parents are apart; other don’t. Most of us parents are just as wounded as we were when we were 10, and just as we did on the playground back then, we search out others to help us feel better about ourselves, help us believe we actually have things somewhat together, that we’re succeeding in life. All of your left turns have been about that, don’t you think? No matter what the age, we humans are motivated to get our un-met needs met, even as parents. You have only been doing what you as a human being is innately motivated to do. I’m not trying to convince you that you did all the right things. I’m just saying that anybody, including a really good person, could find themselves in your exact situation. So when you say I turned her whole world upside down and will have inflicted on her views of the world, relationships, parenting, love and god knows what that her innocent mind did not have to be corrupted by, I say Oh yeah, Neil? Ok, then I’m guilty of all those things too. And so is every other parent. The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet is a TV show, Neil. (Did they have that show in the UK? If not, google it.) The reality is that every single day we parents are in the trenches fighting to not screw our kids up any more than we already have, and any more than our parents screwed us up.
When you were describing your dad in an earlier post, that’s the way I see my own dad. Exactly. And your mom, well, guess what…yep, exactly. If my mom had sat me down when I was 16 years old and honestly explained what was going on with her, I don’t know for sure but I think it would have made a very big difference in our relationship and my life. Instead I was confused and angry. If you explain what’s been going on with you to your daughter, apologize, and then be the best dad you can be every single day going forward, you’ll be healing wounds, both yours and hers. You’ll still make mistakes going forward but remember: every day is a new opportunity to do better than the day before, so keep at it, and admire yourself for doing just that. Those are always the best kinds of people, the ones who keep trying to improve, to be better people, and who never give up.
Oh and the other thing I’ll say is don’t expect things to go smoothly. You’re dealing with teenagers after all and you’re going to get hammered. No matter how many knocks you take, keep reminding yourself of your long-term objective. It’s the relationship’s overall trend, not the daily volatility, that you’re interested in, so don’t get distracted by the spikes and dips. Think stock market, Neil.
Are you considering walking away from this other relationship (the ‘pain’ part of your journey) because you feel your focus needs to be 100% on your daughters now?
B
September 12, 2018 at 5:17 am #225285NaCParticipantHey Brandy (and Prash),
Thanks again for your reply and words of support.
I have previously tried to talk to my daughter in the way you describe. She can be very closed when trying to talk in that way and through talking I have eventually ascertained that her biggest issue right now, today, isnt that she doesnt want to spend time together or be with her Dad, but that our time together (because of distance) is alawys planned and almost by appointment. She wants the spontaneity and comfort of knowing Im ‘just around the corner’ when she needs me so she can drop in and hang out. In short, its what Ive always known she’s needed- to know I’m there. And why not- like I said, its her right to expect that from her Dad. My interpretation of that is that she would settle for that as an acceptable option to living under the same roof (with her mum) and see it as a big improvement in her life. Linked very strongly to that is the feeling she has when she comes to stay with me and my partner and how she feels like an outsider and seeing me with her and her young child for her is like visiting me with my ‘family’. Again, that is heartbreaking for me (and her) and massively compounds the guilt I spoke of as I continue to put her in this place whilst I take no action.
But I guess at the end of it all, I’m still left with a choice to make. And yes, you are right again. The pain part is to walk away from my current partner because as I see it, I have to choose between one or the other. I cant have both and be emotionally and spiritually free. I have three years of my daughter being around if I move back to my ‘old life’. My fear is that in that choice and having made the move, I will regret leaving my current life and partner and all that is good about it and once the choice is made- that will be it. I know three years is a short time and after the three years I’ll be back to where I was when I first divorced- starting over again but this time there’ll be no children around- just one daughter who is six years older than she was. But in my mind, I will have done all I could have done for her, our relationship and, selfishly, my future will be absent of the ‘what if’ guilt. I may suffer in a different way, but I imagine the ‘what if’ to be the most painful as the choice will be gone forever then and like I said, I know myself well enough to know what happens in that scenario. I have already massively withdrawn in my current relationship- to both her and her child as I live in this no mans land state. I have transformed from a loving, generous, happy and giving lover into a very obvious alternative to that and it hasnt gone un-noticed. It cant go on and the pressure Im feeling is growing by the day and I’m afraid of losing control of the situation and then the choices being made for me. I feel like Im hiding and being secretive by keeping the thoughts internal- we have spoken in depth about how I feel about my daughter and the situation and it always ends in me getting upset with myself as I cant break the cycle of asking ‘why’ I did what I did and ‘who the hell does that?’. This week I go to a parents meeting at my daughters school and Im also meeting my former employer who has a potential opening for me. If that comes to fruition- I have a real choice to make and the pressure to do so because of the lack of work opportunity back where I came from, is really on then. Simply put, I throw my life away where I am now and return to the point I was six years ago- right back at the first wrong turning I made and see what happens by turning in the other direction this time, albeit with more wisdom and mistakes under my belt. Or stay where I am and deal with/ cope with everything Ive written so far and make it all go away.
It feels like the volcano is about to erupt! Like the issues of the past six years, all the ‘what ifs’ Ive dwelled upon and regretted, all the ‘Id be happy if’ scenarios are actually a possibility now and that essentially in a week’s time, the volcano is going to blow and thats it- choice made, consequences clear and it’ll be a case of moving on and then finding out if I made the right choice.
My fear is making the wrong choice. My fear is not knowing that everything will be ok. I know ultimately that fear is just that- its the not knowing that the outcome of the choice or action we take is that we will just be ok (or better off). If we stood on the top of a mountain and knew that if we jumped, we’d land safely and we’d be ok- we’d never be fearful, right. Thats what this is I guess, I just need to know that the choice I make will be ok and the pain I have caused myself and others will end as quickly as possible.
The few people I have talked to have all said the same thing: that I shouldnt do it because she’ll be moving away in three years and even the three years will be different as she grows more and wants her independence rather than hanging out with Dad. My partner has tried to offer scenarios where I spend more quality time with her but they dont get it- they dont live this horrible place I live where I caused this situation. They look at this from the outside- from a place where they have had their time with the normality of living with their children for the full course or, as in my partners case, where they openly admit they would never do what I did.
Listen, I know Im a good Dad and a loving person. And yes Prash- youre right, I have to stop talking to myself in the way I do. Im aware enough to know that is just self pity and its keeping me in the dark roots. But its my reality. Its my world and has been so for a long time such that I’ve adjusted and gotten used to it. Ive been coping, making do, building defence mechanisms which stop me having to take action. Even these messages are doing that- I know that a little part of me is hanging on to these threads as a means of not taking action- just in case the next message might give me the answer or make me feel better. The place I need to get to now is to action. I need to make a choice, a decision and then act. This place is just not living.
Brandy, what you said about humans striving to get their unmet needs met was beautiful. It is so true and almost forgives a whole multitude of sins. I listened to something last night on the way home and this simple quote stuck with me ‘If I’d have known better, I’d have done better’. I guess today, I know better so I if I dont do better- then shame on me.
I really do appreciate all you have said to me and for me. Your comments and observations are so astute and accurate and I feel like Im talking to a professional. Youve given me so much perspective and comfort and who would have ever thought that would have been found at the end of a keyboard, in a different time zone, across the Atlantic! What an amzaing place this planet is and what an amazing ride this thing called life is!
N
September 12, 2018 at 8:29 am #225313PrashParticipantDear Neil,
As Brandy wrote, there is definitely something captivating about the way you write.
As you wrote – “they dont live this horrible place I live where I caused this situation.” I can in no way understand how you feel but when I tried putting myself in your position I felt something like a tearing sensation in me. From where I am, I can pray for you, for sure and hope that some kind of a superior presence can help you.
For an external perspective on this
The few people I have talked to have all said the same thing: that I shouldnt do it because she’ll be moving away in three years and even the three years will be different as she grows more and wants her independence rather than hanging out with Dad
Probably true but what happens in her life is really not a matter in your control. Your guilt and pain now have stemmed from what you perceive as your role. If you take the choice of being near her, at least you have done what you feel is right. Your daughter will be independent for sure but will have the knowledge that despite his difficulties dad was there for her.
My fear is making the wrong choice. My fear is not knowing that everything will be ok. I know ultimately that fear is just that- its the not knowing that the outcome of the choice or action we take is that we will just be ok (or better off). If we stood on the top of a mountain and knew that if we jumped, we’d land safely and we’d be ok- we’d never be fearful, right. Thats what this is I guess, I just need to know that the choice I make will be ok and the pain I have caused myself and others will end as quickly as possible.
I dont think there is a certainty to the outcome of any choice. Every choice that you take will have consequences many of which may not be what we think it to be. I liked your analogy of the mountain top as it is one of my favourite imagery. When I find that I have difficulty sleeping I use this scene of how I am on top of a mountain, my back is faced against the edge, I walk back and let go, I fall but with a certainty that there is a power that will cushion my fall and take me through.
Take care
September 12, 2018 at 10:53 am #225345BrandyParticipantHi Neil,
I realized after I hit the Submit button on my last post that I had typed it too quickly without thinking through what I was trying to say. Earlier you had described exactly what you believe prompted your wrong turns and I’m not sure why I came up with a different one for you. Just wanted to say that I did read and do understand what you were saying about not feeling like you were enough.
I think I understand the urgency of this. With that said, I want to remind you that you’re making three life-changing decisions all at once and from a fragile emotional state. So lets throw some possible scenarios out there. Let’s say you make the choice you’re leaning toward and a year from now you find yourself here:
1) Your new job isn’t working out.
2) Neither is your new home.
3) You miss your ex-partner and she is now with someone else.
4) Your daughter isn’t spontaneously dropping in and hanging out…ever.What happens now?
B
PS – You are very welcome. And no, I’m not a professional nor have I had counseling myself so I really have no idea what I’m doing. 🙂
September 13, 2018 at 8:41 am #225549BrandyParticipantNeil – The above worst case scenario which I realize is unlikely to occur was not meant to get you to change your mind but instead to develop a healthy coping strategy and solid action plan to fall back on in case it does. I do believe that being nearer to your daughter is a very good choice. -B
September 13, 2018 at 1:13 pm #225609NaCParticipantHi Brandy,
I guess identifying the ‘so what’s the worst that can happen’ allows us to understand the potential consequences of any decision and advises us before we make it. We can then take a choice firstly whether to make our decision and simply live in fear that the worst case comes to fruition or secondly that we mitigate the effect of the worst case and have a plan b. Or, thirdly, we can be so scared of the consequence that it either refrains us from taking the decision altogether- or, even worst still, to take total inaction and live in paralysis. That’s where I am right now.
Today, actually a couple of hours ago, I attended my daughter’s start of final school year teachers presentations. It’s all about how to help and support them through the final year. I need to process it further but it kinda hit me half way through that my role in her life right now is to be that support; the support that will prepare her for life and her future. I firmly believe the single role of a parent is to ‘prepare our children for life’ and in that realisation I need to take some time out now and reflect upon the question of whether part of my quandary is my mourning for the lost years we never had and wanting to reclaim those rather than focusing on the here and now and what she needs today- and not what she didn’t have yesterday.
Schoolwork and being successful is extremely important to her so I have a good starting point to be able to identify the fatherly space to occupy in terms of giving her the support that will resonate and connect with her most. To get to her school I drove 150 miles and I’m staying over. Tomorrow at lunch I have an ‘interview’ with my previous employer. After that I pick up my daughter, drive the 150 miles back to where I live, we’ll then spend time together until driving back on Sunday another 150 miles and then I’ll turn round and drive back again. It’s a 600 mile round trip but this is my life. But, on the journey tomorrow I’m going to talk to her about what support she needs from me. I’ll listen to what she says, and in her answers I’ll try and identify what life would really look like if I moved back. At the point of that conversation I’ll also have a clear understanding of whether I have the chance of work back here or not. Tomorrow night, by the time I get back to where I live, if I do it right, I should have a better understanding of the levels of risk associated with each choice.
ive done this deliberately. You spoke of making choices in periods of stress but my counter to that is if I don’t apply the right levels of tension, I will stay in a state of inaction and never make the choice and whilst I live in that fearful, scared place- I will destroy lives; my own and the lives of others. This inaction cannot go on forever. I have to find the balance between clarity of thought and tension to the situation so as not to exacerbate my emotional state any further. So, by seeking out my former employer, which has always been my vision of re-employment back in this area, I’m going to either take that choice or reject it and close it off as an option forever. If and when they make an offer, my answer will define my fate. My conversation with my daughter will inform that choice and if, in our discussion, I get the feeling that turning my life upside down for the sake of three years of no benefit in terms of value add time with my daughter (as in your scenario) then my mitigation must be a plan b of how I can best support her in her needs whilstvalso optimising the face time and quality time we share through those 3 years.
does any of that make an ounce of sense?
N
September 13, 2018 at 2:51 pm #225611BrandyParticipantWow! Yes, it all makes much more than an ounce of sense to me. I am very impressed.
If there was one thought I could add it would be the following to your first paragraph: Or fourthly, we can separate each choice within the larger decision to determine if any can be reevaluated or postponed so that we aren’t making too many life-changing choices at one time. For example, the choices to change jobs, change homes, and no longer live with your partner cannot be separated; however, the choice to completely end your relationship with her (who I assume is a very big support person in your life) possibly can be?
I just don’t know enough about that situation to know if that’s an option for you. I know you’ve said that in order to be emotionally and spiritually free you’d need to end the relationship, and I also know that at least one long-distance relationship in your past hasn’t worked for you, but having one support person through this difficult process would be nice especially when you’re not 100% certain you want to let her go. I’m not saying string her along; you know I’m not saying that. You know what I’m saying. You may wish to keep personal information about your relationship off the internet, so there’s no need to discuss it further. I just wanted to put it out there.
You have a very busy several days ahead of you! 🙂
B
September 14, 2018 at 12:00 am #225639NaCParticipantHi Brandy,
Thanks again.
Yes I have some difficult decisions to make in what will now be the next couple of days. I’m feeling the churning of fear in my stomach this morning so I’m going to swim with my dad again and see if I can’t calm it a little.
I’ve decided to go to the job discussion/interview with a very open mind. This isn’t just about me wanting to impress or blow them away- I’m more interested in listening to how I feel and respond to being back there again and whether it’s the right feel for me. I worked there for 23 years and have been away for 3 so my memories are recent but I know I’ve grown in my new job so I’ll be really interested to hear myself and understand just how much. If nothing else changes, at least I can go back to my current role with a fresh self appraisal of how I’m doing there. That’s how I’m approaching this- a learning opportunity and very much a ‘what will be will be’ approach.
I am scared now though. This is very real and I want someone to hold my hand. Other than you, I have no one that I can talk to objectively and deeply about this and this is a stark reminder of actually how lonely I am in this life. It’s times where we need others that we realise this- I look around and I see no one. Maybe after this is done, I need to reflect on that and understand why that is. What did I do over the years to get that way? Is it the constant change and unsettledness? What is it that made me have to reach out to a stranger for support? Interesting. N
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