Dear Ryan:

I am still puzzled by your frequent practice of adding short and long texts sent to you by romantic interests/ girlfriends, texts in which they express their innermost personal thoughts and experiences as well as intensely praising you in a flowery language (not in plain, simple language), a practice you started in your very first post, August 2, 2020.

In that first post, you included an intensely praising,  flowery-language text that an ex-girlfriend sent you a few years prior to the date of your first post. The text reads in part: “If there were words in the English language to express how amazing you are, what a light in my day/life you are, and just how damn near perfect you are then I might come close to describing how much you mean to me…  please don’t find it so hard to believe that someone could be so overwhelmingly fond of you”.

The same woman, in an over 6,000 words text, shared with you her innermost thoughts and feelings years before you posted it on Aug 3 2020, it reads in part: “Much like you, when I can’t handle things anymore I shut down/clam up and retract to my cave.  Also, much like you, I don’t always let people in. ..I’ve learned to protect myself and rebuild my walls once I start seeing red flags“. On Sept 5 2020, you posted another text from the same woman from years before. In part it reads: “I’m just always kept within arm’s reach of relationships.. I don’t get it. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. What I do wrong. Mentally I’d rather be alone. Physically I can’t stand being alone… I’ve wanted to be that couple that looks back at 60 years of marriage since I was a kid. And it won’t happen. Ever. And I’m tired of trying. Tired of waiting. Tired of failing. Tired of dreaming. It’s just not meant for some people and I think I’m some people“.

You posted the  most recent text/s from your current romantic interest/ girlfriend this month, Oct 4 2021. In a text, she too is intensely praising you, using flowery language: “You are absolutely wonderful and kind. When I’m with you I am a different person. Happy and peaceful and life is wonderful. I thank you for that.. It could be a book… ‘One Magic Summer’. Two lost souls came together and experienced bliss for short time.. I don’t want to imagine my small world without you in it“.

And she too shared about her innermost thoughts and feelings: “I’m never good enough. I don’t know what it is that makes me unlovable”, etc.

The above are only a few examples from your three threads, there are many more. Here is what’s puzzling:

(1) It is disrespectful to violate the privacy of these women by copying and pasting their private, confidential messages that were meant only for you to read- pasting these, without the women’s permission,  on a public forum for the .. public to read. You shared many personal details about yourself and about them, and either one of the women, or someone who knows them, might recognize who they are and read what was meant to be read only by you. It puzzles me that you don’t seem to have this concern regarding their privacy and that you don’t seem to be aware or concerned about violating their privacy.

(2) You said most recently, when I brought up the topic, that you shared their texts/ emails so to provide context (” I only insert copies of their text messages here for a bit of context. I try to give their side of my interpretation of our relationship.. it paints a better picture than the one-sided picture I could paint alone”, Oct 4)… but to whom are you trying to provide context and to whom is the picture meant? Here on a public forum, you are not posting to a professional psychoanalyst or a group of professional psychoanalysts who are able and willing to use the women’s texts so to form a more comprehensive, thorough professional analysis of you, a correct psychoanalytical picture of you. On a public forum, anyone and everyone who has an email address can participate in your thread. It is as if you are throwing the women’s personal thoughts and feelings into the street for any passerby to read and integrate their texts  into a (very non-professional) comprehensive understanding of you.

“I  write here to journal”, you wrote Oct 4. But their texts are not you journaling…

(3) It seems like you save voluminous texts and emails sent to you over the years. You save not only their emails to you, but your emails to them, one was an almost 20,000 words text (I counted!). I imagine that it would be impossible to access a particular saved email in the years-long collection of such unless you use a sorting/ categorizing Word program, so that you can access emails by month, year, sender, and content of email. The sheer volume of supposed saved emails is mind boggling.

(4)   the women sending you these long, personal messages are supposedly professional women, one is a mother… when do they have the time to write such long texts for you.. and why do these women choose to express their innermost thoughts and feelings, as well as praise you- on text when you are available to them in-person, or on the phone: why not speak to you, say these things looking into your eyes, hearing your responses right there and then, on the phone or in-person.. why on text.. It is as if they do not have the opportunity to do so  on the phone or in-person.

(5) The women sound alike.  And when they share about their private thoughts and feelings.. the content of what they share is very similar to what you shared about your own thoughts and feelings outside their texts. When I suggested to you the other day that they read alike and that you authored their texts, you almost agreed with me: “I can see how you would be skeptical.. I can see how they read like they could have been authored by the same individual… I can understand your suspicions“. You  did not refute my suspicion that you authored all those texts. Instead you refuted my suspicion that you were writing a book: “I can assure you that I am not writing a book“. You also wrote to me that your posts are genuine, and you added: “Your identification of this has me a bit shaken, as it was something I did not realize“.

I believe that you told the truth: that indeed you are not writing a book, and I think that in your posts you genuinely express yourself, but I do suspect that you authored the texts supposedly sent to you by the women in your life. I think that the reason you almost agreed with me is that you know, or partly know that what I claimed is true.. . Perhaps you were already confronted on the matter and heard others suspect the same.

On Feb 21 2021, you described your state of mind and life most accurately: “This was often how I spent my life: Trying to find people or experiences to fill the void inside me…  originated from the distance my mother kept with me“- I think that the women speaking through the texts  are these people and experiences you use to fill the void inside you.

Previously in your threads, you shared about your emotional experience of life (in boldface are your words): You have fleeting moments of happiness, but largely feel mirthless. Joy is a rare emotion. Nearly always no joy. You are Emotionally withdrawn. You feel flat and you remain flat, experiencing an emotional monotone. There are walls of disconnect and withdrawal around you. You are in the habit of keeping (your) feelings and emotions at a distance. You are emotionally cool. Truly most of (your) life has been without passions, hobbies, or really dreams at all. You are often frustrated and irritable and only want the next day to arrive to restart. 

In your post before last, on Oct 7 2021, you wrote:  “In 2017, I paid for a psychological evaluation.. and a diagnostic interview. The doctor’s findings corresponded with those of my counselors: That I needed to learn and implement coping skills to deal with depression and anxiety. What is pertinent to this post is this clause from the report: “[His] behaviors of closing himself off from the world has protected him and hindering him at the same time. Caution should be taken when addressing [his] emotional vulnerability since he cannot tolerate a lot of emotional risk, confrontation, or risk letting anyone see his true self.”

What was said in boldface above, assuming it is indeed a real professional input, in combination with what you shared above, leads me to think that a man so enclosed within walls, so flat, so hindered..  is not capable of close, emotional relationships. I don’t think that women are likely to fall in love so deeply with a man so closed off, so flat and withdrawn, as is suggested in their texts. Just as they are not likely to express such deep feelings strictly in texts, so it seems, and on a regular basis- in texts.

Maybe these women do exist in real life, but not in the context of your personal life, not to the extent described in your posts and in their supposed texts. But I don’t think that you lied about anything really. I am not a professional of any kind, and this is not a professional setting. And so, as a non-professional with online access to mental health information that is available to the public, the  only way I can explain all this is to consider that you suffer from a Delusional Disorder. The diagnostic criteria exists in the DSM-5 and is goog-able.

Wikipedia on Delusional disorder: “Delusions can be bizarre or non-bizarre in content; non-bizarre delusions are fixed false beliefs that involve situations that could occur in real life… The delusions are logically constructed and internally consistent.. The delusions do not interfere with general logical reasoning… For the diagnosis to be made, auditory and visual hallucinations cannot be prominent.. A person with delusional disorder may be high functioning in daily life”. “mean age of onset: 40”

psychology today:  “If a person has delusional disorder, functioning is generally not impaired and behavior is not obviously odd, with the exception of the delusion. Delusions may seem believable at face value, and patients may appear normal as long as an outsider does not touch upon their delusional themes… Type of delusional disorder: Erotomanic: An individual believes that a person, usually of higher social standing, is in love with him or her…Grandiose: An individual believes that he or she has some great but unrecognized talent or insight, a special identity, knowledge, power, self-worth… in general, people with delusional disorder are not able to accept that their delusions are irrational or inaccurate, even if they are able to recognize that other people would describe their delusions this way…some studies suggest that people develop delusions as a way to manage extreme stress or deal with a history of trauma”.

In summary: on the topic of delusional disorder, everything in the DSM-5 quote available  online and in what I quoted above from Wikipedia and psychology today fits you, Ryan. Two types of the non-bizarre delusions are erotomania and the other is grandiosity. You believe that women are head over heel in love with him (erotomania), and you repeatedly expressed a feeling of superiority over women and over men,  and you added texts that praise you intensely (grandiosity).

I know that most of us, if not all of us, believe things that are not true, that is, we are deluded about the people  in our lives, not seeing them exactly as they are. We are deluded about ourselves, not seeing clearly what motivates us and what scares us most.. we  believe in religions and political misinformation that to others are clearly delusional, and so on. I suppose we people are all on the delusional spectrum.

I want to add another post later, so to close my days-long study of your threads. I don’t think that anything I wrote can hurt you, nor do I think that it can help you (and I am quite confident that you will disagree with what I wrote here), but maybe..  just a bit of a maybe, what I write here means something that is helpful to whom I refer to as the silent reader, a person who may be reading this out there, on the other side of my screen.

anita

Date with coworker that will be like an affair in the office, so exciting! If your company allow that, let others know your relationship.

Dear Ryan,

I was able to fly home for the week before Christmas to see my parents, sister, and daughter. It was a busy week but a pleasant one. I’m moving here in about a week and a half, so I’m been prepping.

I think I’ve misunderstood you in my previous post. Are you actually moving to your parents’ place till the time you’ll be required to return to the office?

You say your time with you family was a pleasant one. That’s nice. How are you feeling around your mother? Is she still emotionally reserved?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ryan,

My mother is still quite reserved. I did some Christmas shopping with my father when I was home, and he told me that my mom is typically stressed and sad during the holidays. Likely due to her poor relationship with her parents. To your point, I certainly feel that my mother’s detachment and cool demeanor (at times) led me to believe that I’m not good enough for another.

Yes, because if the child cannot make their mother happy, if she is often sad and depressed in spite of all the love the child is showering her with – then the child concludes that something is wrong with them. That the problem is in them, not in their mother.

One consequence of that is that you don’t feel good enough. You’ve expressed that notion many times before here.

Another consequence of having had emotional trauma is that as adults, we are attracted to people who remind us the parent who hurt is. We hope that this time around, it will be different, and that we will finally get the love we crave for. That’s all unconscious, we aren’t aware of those patterns, but still, the craving for a certain type of person is there.

You started this thread pining for your work colleague, who I believe is a person who reminds you of your mother. You often spoke about her having her walls up and not letting you see her true self. This is what you wrote about her:

She was safe and so welcoming…but only to a point. She would often text and call, and when I was with her, I did not feel like I was not wanted there. Yet, there was a distance between us. Her own “walls” she kept up in this brief relationship. There is much I did not know about her, and much that I was not permitted to know about her.

And then you’ve realized that you yourself used to do the same thing to your previous girlfriends – erecting walls and not letting them near you:

I think what is frustrating is that I see in her what I used to do in relationships:  Fearful of judgement or disappointment, I was unwilling to let my partner in by maintaining or fortifying the walls, so that they never really knew the “real me.” I can see that reflect in her so clearly now. She enjoys her time with me, cares for me, and is attracted to me; however, due to her perceived flaws or fears, she keeps me at a distance, so she protects herself and controls the relationship. This, based on my experience, makes the other person anxious and walking the tightrope to either a deeper relationship or falling and being hurt.

You are now doing the same thing to your current girlfriend – you’re keeping her out and withdrawing. Since she is available and open to you, since she isn’t erecting walls towards you – you aren’t interested. Were she rejecting and pushing you away, you would be interested, I am almost sure about that.

You see the pattern? Those who don’t want you, you crave for. Those who do want you, you don’t want.

I believe this is all caused by your emotional trauma with your cold and distant mother. I don’t think you’d need to explore further what exactly happened in your childhood (by means of hypnotherapy), since I believe this should be enough to work on in therapy.

I think the wound you’ve experienced is emotional neglect: you mother not showing enough love, appreciation and interest in you, since she was suffering from the consequences of her own childhood wounds. She wasn’t emotionally available to you, and it always felt as if there is a wall around her heart, that you couldn’t get in. She didn’t show you her true self, and she probably wasn’t interested in your true self either.

And so now you are craving to be truly seen by a specific type of woman: a type who is emotionally guarded and unwilling to let you inside of her walls. You want to see her and be seen by her, to share your deepest self with her. But she refuses. That’s what happened with your colleague.

Your current girlfriend is open and receptive, she would like to share her deepest self with you, but that’s not attractive to you.

 It’s been a largely lonely road for me thus far and I do not want to end up alone in life.

I understand, and I hope you too can see why it has been lonely… because of this pattern you are stuck in. You’d need to heal the wound of emotional neglect, inflicted by your mother, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship, where both parties are equally keen on each other, and there is no unrequited love.

Dear Ryan,

Thank you for this solid summation! I will certainly use this when I meet with a new counselor. … I need to work on breaking this pattern I’ve been stuck in for so long.

you are very welcome. I hope you can get to the bottom of this pattern and break free from it, i.e. heal the emotional wound behind it.

Unfortunately, there is just something missing that hasn’t allowed me to stay here and try a long-term relationship

she has helped me to open up more than anyone has in some time. We’ve had some real “heart-to-hearts” these past few months, which has been therapeutic in a sense.

She too suffers from anxiety and depression and had an often dark childhood that she hasn’t been willing to share with me. Maybe that is part of the reason why we click so well?

Could be, since you share a lot of similarities. It probably feels good to open up to a woman (since you didn’t have that with your mother), so that could be an attraction point. However, this woman is inviting and accepting of you – even though she didn’t tell you all the details of her dark childhood – and this isn’t very attractive, because you crave to win over a woman that is not so inviting and not so accepting. A woman who keeps up her walls.

The child in you is still trying to win over a woman behind those walls…. your own mother.

I’d like us to eventually find a way to transition to friends, but I know that will be extremely difficult. I do care deeply for her (love perhaps?)

I can imagine you care for her, and you like the emotional intimacy you’ve shared. As I said, that’s probably an “attraction point”, and the reason you feel an affection towards her. But not the kind of love you’d need for a romantic relationship…

As for staying friends, I remember you also wanted to remain close friends with your previous girlfriend (the mother of a little boy). But she refused it, because she didn’t want you to be her emotional confidante while refusing to be her romantic partner. And I can understand her, because it’s hard to remain friends with someone you have feelings for.

Could it be that now you want to stay friends for the same reason: because emotional sharing with this woman feels good, you like it?

What comes to mind is that you have a need for emotional sharing and intimacy, which is a valid need. But perhaps you could have this need met differently, not necessarily by getting involved in a romantic relationship – I mean, for now, till you heal the emotional wound.

On the other thread, you asked anita:

Do you have any recommendations for managing anxiety? I’m relocating for the new job in the new city this weekend and my anxiety is growing.

What do you think your anxiety is related to? One suggestion that anita gave you is to find an opportunity to socialize and enjoy other people’s company. How do you feel about that? Perhaps opening up to a select number of people – those you feel you can trust (even if it’s just one person) – would meet some of your need  for emotional closeness and sharing? Or that would feel too vulnerable for you?