Home→Forums→Relationships→8 yrs depressed & distant. I left.
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El.
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June 23, 2015 at 3:30 am #78705
TeresaParticipantHusband lost job & went into tailspin. Tried helping him but he didn’t want help. After 8 yrs watching his depression and being more distant from me and everyone else, I packed up and left. Now he’s seeing counselor twice a month, to see dr for depression. He may have changed on outside but not inside. He’s changing for wrong reasons; not for himself but he doesn’t see that. Does that make sense? I feel nothing for him but afraid if I tell him it is over he will lose it. Why do I continue to feel responsible for him?
June 23, 2015 at 5:23 am #78711
InkyParticipantHi crazz,
It’s only natural to feel responsible for our spouse. That’s what marriage is for, after all, to fight back to back together against the world, if need be. You are exhausted because you have been doing all the “fighting”.
And at least he’s trying! If you do the right thing, even for the wrong reasons, one day you may wake up and do the right things BECAUSE it’s the right thing! Only time will tell, for him.
Hang in there (but only if you want to),
Inky
June 23, 2015 at 6:00 am #78713
AnonymousGuestDear crazz:
I was wondering, can you share about how you felt during those long 8 years as you watched him depressed? How was it for you in the beginning, how did you feel? Where did you get support for yourself then? How did your feelings change during those eight years and what did you feel at the end before you packed up and left? I would like to think about and respond if you do share this very important part of the story…
anitaJune 23, 2015 at 6:52 pm #78763
SaraParticipantCrazz,
I’m feeling the same way. I begged and dragged him to help, which he rejected for years, and now I’m leaving and he wants to get help. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
June 24, 2015 at 6:12 pm #78809TeresaParticipantHi Anita,
In the beginning I wanted to do everything to help him. He was so depressed. Admitted to hospital, did great for about 2-3 months, then overdosed on pills, came through that, saw counselor for a while. After awhile I resented that he could sleep in, whenever, and do nothing while I got up everyday to work and support us. As time went on he became distant. He played Xbox games when was working, but became more obsessed after lost job. Towards the end he’d play Xbox 24/7. At times he’d play while I was at work, take a nap and be asleep when I got home. When time for me to go to bed he would get up and play Xbox all night. It hurt and made me angry when I would come home and he’d be in the basement playing Xbox online with friends. He would tell them he’d be right back that his wife just got home. He’d come up stairs to talk 2 minutes, go back downstairs and tell his Xbox buddies, “sorry about that”. I felt like he was sorry I came home and interrupted his fun. How did I feel towards the end before I moved out? Like I was just going through the motions at home; existing. I hated going home each day after work. I’d stay at work late, go out with friends or go shopping.June 24, 2015 at 7:41 pm #78810AnonymousGuestDear Crazz:
Thank you for sharing more. You asked why you feel responsible for him. It seems to me that in those eight years if not before as well he was “the child” in your marriage and you were “the mother.” He played games and you went to work and brought in the money. You associated I assume with co-workers in the adult world and he associated with Xbox buddies. I am guessing that you feel responsible for his as a mother does for her minor son.It I may, I would like to congratulate you for leaving this relationship. I hope you will not have him back in your life no matter what he does. I suppose he wants his kid-in-the basement playing-games life back. However responsible you feel- in reality you are not. First he is not a child. Second he is not your son. Third by marrying him the deal was not that he will regress to child status and you become his mother- that was not in the vows. So in any and every angle that I see- you did the right thing.
You wrote you feel nothing for him but responsibility. Do you think you can endure that false sense of responsibility while you continue to do what is right for you?
anitaJune 25, 2015 at 12:00 pm #78836
CScripterParticipantIf you tell a depressed person that they are insert-negative-label here, they already believe you.
The paradox of depression is that we see ourselves as almost two separate persons, and the cycle of self-loathing is a constant self-criticism and performing the acts that we dislike in ourselves, which leads us to self-criticize, that leads to the acts we perform; because only a insert-negative-label-here would do these type of things.
The road to recovery, aside from counseling, possibly medication, and related things is to change either the outlook or the acts we perform. It takes time and sometimes great effort, perhaps more than most people who do not suffer from depression. People who do not suffer from the depth of the depression you seem to describe here, cannot understand what it feels like.
They cannot understand statements such as: “It hurts to exist”. When drawing a breath feels like a crime against nature, when a dark shadow in the mind tells you that your simply being is a sin. The anhedonic nature of this lowly state is a hell on earth. Pleasure is found in nothing. The XBox gaming is likely because he can find solace only in focusing his thoughts and attention on something other than himself. Role playing as it were.
However, you must also learn to put yourself first in this situation. It is very possible he sees you as a free ride and merely takes advantage. It may be a case of what I have just wrote. It may be something in between. However, the source of positivity and negativity in our lives flows from ourselves.
There is no love, without self-love. There is no hate, without self-hate. If your compassion has led to a self-criticism in yourself, then you yourself may have started down a very similar path as he. You may subconsciously, or with full awareness see yourself as an ‘enabler’, and then reinforce that behavior of self-resentment with those actions that make you one.
Apologies if that last one sounds ‘accusatory’ in nature: it is not my intention. I wish only to help you find the clarity you seek, and to let the truth guide you. This is all; of course, words from a stranger on the internet, so it is best to merely consider them, and be willing to dismiss them upon evidence of their error.
Above all, I hope the best outcome for both he and you in this.
July 5, 2015 at 12:06 pm #79322
ElParticipantIt is natural to feel that way! Trust me, I feel tresponsible for my significant other as well. It is whether or not you want to take on that responsibility. It seems as if you have made the decision not to, and that is 100% Perfectly fine! You do not need to take on other people’s problems. It shows that you are very kind-hearted for feeling the way you do. You do need to tell him that you feel you don’t want to be together. That you just need to find yourself and look for happiness in your own way and that you hope he does the same. I feel as if you can definitely make that difference, and I don’t think you should be too concerned. But you gave got to tell him. You’re only giving him false hope and hurting yourself. You both deserve the best. You are definitely not a bad person, and if you think you’re making the right decision, then you are. Have a heart to heart. That is the best way to do this. Good luck!!
Maybe you could help me with mine?
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