3 years BF left me coldly.

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This topic has 17 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by jade green.

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December 22, 2014 at 3:51 pm #69685

jade green
Participant

I’ve realised how many break up topics there are in this place. I don’t even know if anyone would bother to read this. I’m really lost. I feel like I’ve lost all my directions and future. I don’t know where to go from here. I can’t believe that he’s going to throw us away. What should I even do?

My boyfriend whom I know since college, was the greatest man I can ever find. We were best friends. Started dating two years later and now It’s been 3 years. We’re both 24.

We were the strongest couple all our friends knew. He used to be happy with me. He would always say I’m perfect. We were planning to get married in two years time once we graduate from our course. Our families treat each other like we’re married. We had so much plans. We were building our future.

He has been cold to me for a few months. I brought it up a few times and the last time (last month), he pulled away and texted me the next day that we should break up. He called me just to say “sorry, I think if I stay I’m just toying with your feelings”. He said… he doesn’t love me anymore.

I kept asking him why, and why and he just said that we’ve been fighting a lot. I like we could have done something about it. It got worse especially after I was molested at work and I was going through so much in my life.

I went through a crazy amount of denial. And then I went through so much anger hoping that the lightning would strike his sorry ass. Then I proceeded to think how our relationship could be saved if we just made some fixes.

We went through a lot within these 3 years. Our environment and situations constantly changed due to our courses and universities’ arrangements. Just a few months ago he told me that he’s so lucky to have me.

It’s been 2 weeks plus. and I really can’t take it. I messaged him today. Probably a big mistake. But what he said was horrifying. The way he put it, he’s never happy. He said he felt like he’s always in the minefield with me. Becareful with his words just so that I wouldn’t get mad. I admit, I’m not the best tempered woman. But it wasn’t baseless. I felt so lonely recently. He wouldn’t contact me for a few days if he doesn’t feel like it. I brought it up and it upsets him all the time. I get angry. I felt like I deserve the attention he used to give me.

“If this is how relationship is. I don’t think I want it anymore.”

“I just want to be alone. It might be sad and lonely but at least I’m more at ease than being with you”

These 2 sentences really hurt me a lot. I can’t even say to fix anything anymore. To know… that ive made the man i love most to feel this way really hurts. To be honest I have given him my everything. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy. I never meant to made him feel so unhappy in our relationship. I’m lost. I know I can’t fight for our relationship anymore, it’s in his hands and he’s really not going to come back. It’s been more than two weeks and what he said today doesn’t seem like we have any chances left.

Everyone that knows him are shocked that he initiated the break up. To be honest he doesn’t seem like a man with temper but he has, indeed. He’s really a sweetheart but he’s been so different to me. I know he loves me somehow before it went down hill. I don’t know. He never told me once that he was this unhappy. All of a sudden those three years was a lie. It’s all just a lie. He was never happy? I thought he told me he’s the luckiest man on earth to be with me. I thought… we were meant more than just something that can be thrown away so lightly.

I’m actually a strong Buddhist. But towards him, my sense of attachment and everything… I just can’t. I just can’t even breathe. I get cold sores for the first time every since my main exams. I cried a river. I know I should be letting go. Let him free. If I love him, let him be happy and go. But… Oh… dear… I felt destroyed. Entirely. What should I do? Where should I go? Will he ever regret throwing away what we had? Will he come back?

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 pm #69691
Euipoi
Participant
A similar situation happened to me back in 2010. I thought we had it all and then all of a sudden he breaks up and his friend comes to me and tells me “He said he never really loved you and that he was never happy” even though to me it seemed that it was all rainbows and skittles. Eventually I found out it was because he found interest in somebody else and he had just said that to get me to leave. However, this may not be exactly the situation with you. Sometimes people get coldfeet in a relationship and just need some time or you need to have a civilized (almost emotionless – i mean dont cry and beg or scream and yell) talk about it with him and be rational and try to be understanding like “why didnt you tell me this before? Im sorry… i didnt know i made you feel that way. But i really value our relationship”

I think sometimes the universe just throws us a curve ball, so we can learn something out of it. This guy i just finished telling you about? Well we ended up getting back together a month later because i found out i was pregnant and well… we stayed together for 2.5 more years until it got really bad and he kept doing the same thing. Repeating himself. Every four months he lost interest in me. Eventually I had enough and left him. Mind you, i had been with him 5 years and i loved him, we lived together and had kid, we spent almost everyday together. It HURT leaving him but he was hurting me and making me go nuts – i had no stability and it kept getting worse… sooo…. a human can only handle so much. I cut my losses and let him do what he pleased. Now im with a new guy and he is freaking amazing AND (ironically) he is a buddhist born in Cambodia lives in USA now. I recall telling my mom a year prior to meeting my current love “MAN i wish i could marry a buddhist…he wouldn’t make me so mad!” hahah and here i am….with a Buddhist.

Anyhow, I guess what im saying is that its best to detach yourself… I know your attached and i know it hurts but honestly there may be better out there for you or you may learn something before coming back to him. But whatever you do, approach everything with understanding and compassion.

*EDIT I think right now, you should really focus on things that make you happy. Enlighten yourself, don’t expect others to bring you happiness. Be the source of your own happiness.

(I wish i could write more but i have to leave!)
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Euipoi.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Euipoi.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Euipoi.
December 22, 2014 at 10:32 pm #69695

Hong
Participant

Hi there,

I am sorry that you are going through such hard times. It is painful but everything is going to be ok, I promise you that 🙂

First, breathe.

Second, stop analysing. You are painting your relationship a perfect picture because you just lost it. You are having withdrawal symptoms. Like an addict craving for his next dose. I kid you not. It has been verified by science.

Third, the chances of him still loving you a lot are high judging from his replies He is also in a lot of pain.

Fourth, if you want him to come back, no guarantee … but you have to sort yourself out first (for him and more importantly for yourself. I understand you have a lot going in your life but so does everyone. No one including your family, friends and him has an obligation to let you vent your frustrations on (I am not saying you do but the chances of you involuntarily doing that are high. I did that to my ex and I have friends and family doing that to me now). If you are a wreck, who wants to be around you? Everyone likes to be around genuinely happy people. Being happy seems unattainable in your current state now but it is ok. You have to let your emotions flow and don’t deny them but you have to learn how to express them in a constructive way. This takes time but it is ok 🙂

Fifth, exercise. Go out for runs or walks. Go outdoor and get some fresh air. Coping in your room doesn’t help at all. Listen to happy music. Just google them.

Hope this helps you a bit. I promise you, everything is going to be ok as long as you breathe 🙂

Hong

December 23, 2014 at 11:09 am #69728

jade green
Participant

Thanks for the replies. IDK why my replies didn’t show up.

I called him today. And begged. And he really… couldn’t even say he loves me anymore. He said he’s so much happier now being alone. In the end I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him if he doesn’t want me to appear in front of him again it’s okay I just need a word from him. he didn’t say a thing. There was such a long silence it felt like forever.

In the end, I just said goodnight and left. There wasn’t any point holding onto the silence. I was so afraid that he’d say ‘yes’; which means he wants me to never appear again. But it wasn’t a no either.

I broke down. So bad. I think there’s this one girl. but again i think i might just be paranoid.

December 23, 2014 at 11:50 am #69729

Inky
Participant

Hi healingnun,

I hate to say this, but when a man suddenly turns “cold” out of the blue, there is either someone else on the scene, or he had an “epiphany moment”. Like, I had a college boyfriend break up with me right after spending a month in NYC. First of all, no one can compare to NYC, not even a girl who lives there, you know? The good news (I suppose) is he came crawling back. The bad news (for him) was that I had taken him at his word, moved on, and met somebody.

And men turn “cold” to maintain control, stick to their decisions, and make your loving and questioning seem irrational. The more crazy you become because of the coldness, the more they can justify the coldness.

Also, you two are about to launch into the “Real World”. Maybe he needs space and freedom to find himself and make his fortune before marrying anyone. That is probably what’s going on here. Men need time and space to make their “nest” for a future family. They just don’t think about it that way! They just feel a need to be by themselves unattached!

The long silence at the other end means that S@!# was becoming real at his end. He is not sure. But don’t expect a thaw overnight.

The best thing you can do is STOP calling him and give him all the space he needs. If he tries to reach you, wait a few days before responding. DO NOT become emotional. Do Not! In fact, turn the tables and say, “I think you’re not the only one that needed some space. Thank you for giving me that gift.” Then pretend you’re the one who needs a break from him. See what happens.

December 23, 2014 at 12:03 pm #69730

jade green
Participant

Dear Inky,

Everyone asked me if he had someone else. I kept saying no because to be honest… I don’t think he’s that kind of person. But I feel like I don’t know him anymore. I asked him about the girl but he denied it. His story… doesn’t seem to make sense to me. I’m really trying my best to believe what he said but it sounds so weird to me.

Maybe, being in a 3 years relationship makes him want to be alone for now. But you know, you don’t get into relationships for that. You can’t just go into one and expect to walk out of it. You go into it because you know you’re going to fight your brains out for it.

after what i said about never appearing in front of him, i actually do mean it. I wont call him anymore. Because he said he feels happier now without me. If being alone makes him feel happier I’ll do it. Because I love him so much. Even if he has someone else, if she makes him happier, I shouldn’t try to change anything. I don’t think he will ever call me again. He will never regret or return. Since he’s living such a great life without me why would he? It’s just so weird. I had so many questions. He couldn’t answer them. And now suddenly every question doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters most is… I’m not the one to make him happy and he has made that very clear for me.

(although i literally begged and asked all my questions for 2 hours.)

December 23, 2014 at 12:15 pm #69731

jade green
Participant

how long after did he came back to you by the way?

December 23, 2014 at 12:19 pm #69732

Ell
Participant

Dear healingnun,
First and foremost, I want you to take a look at yourself in a mirror. See that beautiful girl staring back at you? She is full of life, full of opportunity and full of love. You’re willing to let him take that from you? Not without a fight, I hope!
However I can completely understand how you must feel, breakups are never easy, and they’re never the same to anyone but who is involved. Don’t allow someone to become your whole life. I’m sure before you and your BF got together, you had hobbies and interests of your own too, right? You need to take care of YOU first, no one else girl, just you!
I hope I’m not sounding insensitive, but take this as a learning curve in life. Relationships are a way of learning who you are, what you want and what you don’t out of life.
Just remember that even though it is SO chiché, time heals all.
Best of luck to you,
Ell.

December 23, 2014 at 12:40 pm #69733
Matthew
Participant
Just wanted to comment and hopefully offer what I feel worked for me in the hopes it helps you find a little serenity.

I know what you are going through, I recently had a 2+ year relationship end out of the blue for me and I was right there with you feeling all the terrible things you’ve felt. A lot of what you said mirrored a lot of the issues in my previous relationship. Reading your post reminded me of the last time I spoke to my ex on the phone, when I told her I loved her and got next to nothing in response. That sinking realization that set in, the sickening feeling in my stomach, and the pain of rejection. I remember trying to formulate what I wanted to say next in my brain and desperately trying to apply logic and reason my way out of the situation – my usual response to problems. I couldn’t understand how someone who I would have done anything for and who I thought loved me the same way would tell me so suddenly they didn’t love me anymore. I had forgotten that all the plans we had made, the way I thought things would be – all those expectations were made on my terms and not life’s terms. I had to remember this person that I loved so greatly had wants and needs also – and while those no longer included me – if I really loved that person I had to understand and accept that. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was to show her compassion afterwards feeling the way that I did.

I delved deeply into exercise – I had been making plans to start back working out but now I sort fell fully into it. In those first few weeks – there were a lot of days where the only time I didn’t have my mind on what had happened or wasn’t in a perpetual state of sadness was when I was focusing my mind and body on forcing myself to run that little extra half a mile or that extra five minutes. I wasn’t trying to ignore the pain but sometimes you just have to set it aside and give yourself a break from it – even if it’s only for a few minutes. I began meditating and really trying to make permanent changes to better myself. I realized there were things about myself I wanted to change beyond the physical. I’m not saying meditation and exercise are the end-all-be-all and will take away all the pain but there’s no doubt they will help you to feel better and at least give you a few moments of respite in your day. I made a list of things to do for the day that I needed to stick to (diet, exercise, studying for classes, meditating, etc) and when I was feeling sad or down I would run through all the things I was capable of doing to better myself that day and if I had done them then I tried to take solace in the idea that I had done all I could for that day and that was the best I could do. I had to take it one day at a time and accept gratitude for all the good that I had in my life and that had come as a result of our breakup.

I’m not saying exercise and meditation are guaranteed to work as well for you, you may have to find your own outlets, but there are a few things you WILL need to do or learn to do with time. You nee to show some compassion and love to yourself, detach from him and the idea that anyone but you is responsible for your own happiness, and allow yourself to feel (but not dwell on) the feelings – and let them go.

Give yourself some credit for the positive response you have already made to the situation – try to look at the positive that has come out of the situation and be grateful for the time you had together. Continue looking forward and know that time will begin to heal you but you have to do your part as well.

Best wishes
Matt
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Matthew.
December 23, 2014 at 12:41 pm #69734

jade green
Participant

Yes, I understand. I need to. And I will.
I know I’ve gave my all. I know I’ve done my best.
So, there’s nothing I can do more.
And this is it. The end of our story.

December 23, 2014 at 1:01 pm #69736

jade green
Participant

Oh dear Matt,

That’s what I felt. That’s so what I felt. I’m trying to be compassionate. I’m trying to understand. I feel like… if he’s not happy with me he needs to do what is right for himself. And I need to do what makes him happy.

It’s so good to hear from someone that feels what I wrote. I appreciate and I know what other posters said is true. I know that’s what right for me. But to know that someone that went through the same as me, actually managed to get himself together, It actually makes me cry.

Have you actually… totally moved on? Or are you still trying everyday? I don’t know if I can be as strong and repeat the cycle everyday. It’s would be so tiring actually.

BUT AGAIN. I know I need to do this. I may look like I’m 15 but I’m way too old to not understand this.

Thankn you so much for all your replies.

I will work really hard to not think about it. afterall I’ve done my best. I’ve fought until the very last day. Today’s phone call had answered everything.

December 23, 2014 at 2:40 pm #69737

Matthew
Participant

I’m glad that my post was maybe able to help you in some way. Try not to beat yourself up over not understanding something, we all learn things at different paces and you may get more out of a particular experience than I do. The younger version of myself would have dealt with things in such a different way. I would have become a recluse and shut the outside world out worrying only about my own pain but I’ve found that reaching out to others and sharing really heightens your compassion for yourself as well as others and has helped me so much more in times like this. That is one of the ways my breakup has made me a better version of myself I think. I’m sure in time you will be able to see the ways what you have gone through has made you stronger as well.

I know how hard it is to fight the urge to want to try to fix things, how much you want everything to go back the way it was, and if you are anything like me you’ve probably gone over all the little things that you maybe could have done to fix things. The truth of the matter is you are worthy of the love and happiness you desire and none of the things you think you did wrong or wished you could do differently changes that. I know it’s hard to detach the feelings of happiness you relate to that person – but it is not fair to yourself to think of it as something you have done wrong. From your account I don’t think your ex was wrong when he claimed he was lucky to have you – he was absolutely right – remember that when you are feeling down. My ex told me some of the same things (you are the best man I’ve ever dated, I’m so lucky to have you, etc.) and I can understand how it leaves you wondering how someone could ever say those things and then suddenly tell you they don’t love you one day. Try your best not to focus on that, it might not be something you will ever fully get the answers to, instead focus on the positives about yourself and remember you are worthy and you are worth it – your wants and needs matter just as much. You may not always believe that – you may have times where you struggle and the pain feels too great – but treat each day as it’s own victory if you have to, keep telling yourself that even if you don’t believe it and in time as you are given more of a chance to heal you will find it to be true.

I haven’t totally moved on – I still get tripped up into those feelings from time to time – I don’t think I would say I have gotten myself together so much as forced myself not to let it bring me down completely. It’s only been a few months but I can see progress in myself and that is reassuring and what I am focusing on instead of how bad I still feel sometimes. There have been days where I felt like I was completely over it that were followed by days where I felt immense sadness and hopelessness but as tiring as it is – I feel like with every opportunity to process and react to those feelings with compassion and gratitude for all the good things in my life I am made a little bit stronger. I am becoming a much happier person by changing the way I deal with sadness – if that makes any sense. For me it’s been a lot about forcing myself to react in a much more positive and constructive way that I would have in the past and not necessarily feeling like I’ve totally moved on.

Again I hope that helps again in some way, know that you’re not out there alone struggling with this, but also know you are strong enough to find happiness and serenity without having to rely on anyone else to achieve it.

Matt

December 23, 2014 at 7:40 pm #69742

jade green
Participant

Yes. I went over everything. Every mistakes I did. To be honest I hurt him here and there along the way and I know it. It’s amazing that he had even considered to forgive me. But I know I did made up for it. Though I did kept asking myself what if I didn’t hurt him that way, will his feelings not fade? But realised soon after, I’m just human. I make mistakes big or small. And you know, I really did my best to make up for it.

He made me a better person. I know he did. Because of him, I made peace with my mom. Because of him I became who I am today. I don’t know if I even helped him. But I remember he used to be a scared boy. But now he’s a grown man with firm decisions. We may never be together again. We may. I don’t know. But either way I know this wasn’t a mistake. We were best friends. Now we’re just strangers but I’d like to convince myself that it was right. We might have ended. But it was right. I can’t imagine seeing him in the future as a stranger just saying hi. But if that’s how life is for me, I need to walk it on my own feet.

Honestly it hurts me to even type all these no kidding. But somehow I know it’s the right thing.

I may never understand why it ended. The answer might never come to me. But I loved him all my best. I know he knows that. And I know that our love was really true. It was sacred. And I will keep it that way. I will not dwell into hatred like how most people would. Because I love this man with all my life. And I believe, if he decided this way, there’s a reason for it. Even if it’s because of the other girl he was talking to, if I am not the one to make him happy, I cannot force it I know.

It will be such a hard journey to walk without him. And even worse, knowing that he chose to leave me. But this is a journey I have to walk through with my own bare feet. I do not have to be with him to love him. I do not need him to feel my love. Sometimes letting go is love. Sometimes, giving up fighting is also love. Because love has so many forms and it shouldn’t be fixed.

Obviously I still hope we have a chance in the future. But… I’m trying to kill myself by telling myself it will never happen. Because I don’t want to hold on to false hope. I really want to move on completely and not putting one feet in the past. God bless all of you. And I hope you’ll be alright soon enough too. (Why am I saying this while I’m in such a dark deep hole compared to you)

December 24, 2014 at 12:17 am #69756

MYC
Participant

healingnun,

I’m sorry to hear about your pain – some of the things your bf said to you is similar to what my last 2 exs said to me and maybe there are some commonalities that could help you make sense of things. A lot of guys, especially young ones, don’t realize that long term relationships take work. Many have this mistaken notion that “if it is meant to be, then it would be easy”. When things start getting difficult, they question if the relationship was right or not. In fact, almost all relationships face difficulty at some point.

A lot of men do not like feeling stressed in a relationship – it doesn’t matter if they did something legitimately wrong (everyone does at some point, really), what they will take away is how they feel when they interact with you in those situations. Your ex is still very young, and it could be he is too inexperienced to understand what “love” is. If you lashed out at him, he will start associating these negative feelings with the relationship. These negative feelings can build up over time. Of course, nobody expects you to be a saint and to simply accept everything thrown at you, and heaven forbid anyone takes abuse from their partners. But this is a lesson in managing people’s feelings in conflict – it is a lifelong, difficult one.

I’m not sure if anything I say will help you. But I know in good time you will feel better – I left my ex of 5 years and it has taken me almost 2 years to come to peace with him not wanting to commit to me. You may not feel good begging and pleading with him to reconcile (we have all done this), but at least you know you have expressed your intentions and have been honest – while he does not seem to have been quite so transparent. If he did indeed love you, then his actions and feelings do not reconcile and he will not forget you easily, especially if you treated him with an open heart and kindness. If he does forget you easily, then it is for the best that this happened now rather than many more years down the line.

In the end, nothing you do or say will change another person’s behaviour – except to handle it with grace and goodwill.

I’ll leave you with a quote I felt really helped for me and I hope you will find peace soon.

“Happiness is like a butterfly:
the more you chase it,
the more it will elude you,
but if you turn your attention to other things,
it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”
Thoreau

December 24, 2014 at 5:14 am #69761

jade green
Participant

Dear eleve,

After reading what you’ve said, somehow I can’t choose to un-see what has happened.

Yes, I lashed out on him before. many times. It most probably contributed to what has happened. But like you said, it is now a life long lesson.
To be honest I think you’re quite right. We started when we were 19/20. And now 23/24. We were young, we were foolish. We did plenty of stupid things towards each other but we still managed to love each other strongly. Our love was true, I choose to believe in that.

We were the most compatible people I think. Everything we liked, everything we wanted. But maybe it just wasn’t the right time. maybe you’re right, he needed some time to be by himself. To grow up without the influence of me. And I have been too dependent on him. I was such an independent girl. But as time goes by, I just couldn’t stand up by myself. And it’s time for me to learn.

I think this break up is at the right time.

We both need to get stronger. I can’t graduate as a doctor like this. I need to be a proper adult. Although I think, we all never stop growing.

You made me feel much less stupid to beg and cry to him. When I read what you said about me being honest, I think I have no regrets. Yes, I begged. I’ve tried. I’ve conveyed my feelings and I am not ashamed. I loved him very much and I showed it all. I was pretty naked and transparent with no walls towards him. So yes, thank you for making me realise that.

THank you so much people. All of you helped me to come back to reality. To control myself and my sadness. Once awhile when I’m lost, I’ll be sure to come back here and read everything that all of you have said. It meant a lot to me. And it might be the only way I can move forward.
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