Dear Jana:

“The internal validation of the struggles I went through during my childhood and growing up was very crucial”- Yes it is very crucial.

When someone relies heavily on external validation and lacks internal validation, one’s behaviors might include: going out of the way to agree with others, even if it contradicts one own’s beliefs and values (People-Pleasing), frequently seeking reassurance from others and excessively worrying about what others think (excessive Dependence on others), altering one’s behavior, appearance, or opinions to fit in with others and gain their acceptance (Conforming), often second-guessing oneself, regularly comparing oneself to others and feeling inadequate as a result, and avoiding being true to oneself out of fear of rejection or disapproval.

On the other hand, when someone has strong internal validation, one’s behaviors might include: confidently making decisions based on one’s own values and beliefs without needing others’ approval (Independence), bouncing back from setbacks and criticism with a healthy sense of self-worth intact (Resilience), embracing one’s true self and expressing one’s genuine thoughts, feelings, and opinions, acting consistently with one’s own values and principles, regardless of external pressures (Integrity), establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships and interactions and communicating one’s own needs, desires, and limits confidently (Assertiveness), and experiencing a sense of inner peace and contentment regardless of external circumstances or opinions.

“I’m at a stage where I feel honestly good about being myself and not trying to change or question myself. I have to play my part in this world and not try to change according to someone’s ideas” – Your journey, like mine, is about transitioning from excessive seeking or hoping for external validation to developing strong internal validation.

“I feel terribly tied down when I have to follow some external rules. These are the echoes of my personality ‘I will not be bound by anything.’ That’s the lone wolf in me. I always choose freedom, even if it is hard and life-threatening”- reading this inspired me to post a poem just for you:

The Lone Wolf’s Cry:

In a world of chains and binding ties,
Where rules are forged, and freedom dies,
She wanders paths where few have tread.

No walls can cage this restless heart,
No shackles bind her spirit’s art.
For deep within, a voice rings true:
I will not be bound, I promise you!

She walk the night beneath the stars,
Embracing scars and silent wars.
A lone wolf, fierce, unchained, and wild,
In freedom’s grasp, forever styled.

Though roads are rough and risks are high,
She spreads her wings, prepared to fly.
For in her heart, a fire burns bright,
A beacon in the darkest night.

No life of ease, no comfort’s plea,
Can dim the light that lives in her.
She forges her path, she finds her way,
In freedom’s arms, she chooses to stay.

anita

Hi Jana

Yeah, Facebook is terrible. It is true that social media can be good for getting clients though. I don’t like politics or social media either. The state of the world is crazy at the moment.

Dear Jana:

“My inner child is still so vulnerable..”-

Thich Nhat Hanh, the well-known Buddhist monk, often speaks about the importance of healing the wounded child within us. He emphasizes that acknowledging and caring for this inner child is crucial for personal growth and healing. Here’s a relevant quote from him:

“The wounded child is always there, trying to get our attention. The child says, ‘I’m here. I’m here. You can’t avoid me. You can’t run away from me.’ We want to end our suffering by sending the child to a deep place inside, and staying as far away as possible. But running away doesn’t end our suffering; it only prolongs it. The wounded child asks for care and love, but we do the opposite. We run away because we’re afraid of suffering.”-

– Here are some common ways people run away from, and in so doing, betray their inner child: (1) Engaging in harsh self-criticism and negative self-talk, and in so doing betraying the inner child’s need for kindness and compassion, (2) Refusing to confront and heal from past traumas, and consequently, living in a state of emotional distress and denying the inner child the opportunity to heal and grow, (3) Constantly pursuing external validation, betraying the inner child’s need for internal validation, (4) Denying oneself moments of joy, playfulness, and creativity, which the inner child thrives on, leading to a sense of emptiness and disconnection, (5) Staying in toxic or unhealthy relationships that perpetuate harm and emotional pain. This betrays the inner child’s need for safety and healthy connections, (6) Imposing unrealistic expectations and striving for perfection (perfectionism). This creates excessive pressure and anxiety, betraying the inner child’s need for acceptance and calm, (7) Substance abuse=> creating more problems and more distress for the inner child, too often killing the inner child (Globally, in 2019, around 600,000 deaths were attributed to drug use, with close to 80% of these deaths related to opioids, including fentanyl).

Betraying the inner child often stems from a fear of facing and feeling emotional pain. To heal and reconnect with the inner child, it’s important to acknowledge and address emotional wounds, and in so doing, to feel the inner child’s pain thoroughly. Als, to practice self-compassion, and to nurture the childlike aspects within ourselves.

At this moment, I am feeling my inner child’s pain— her acute sadness, loneliness, and craving for what others have: healthy connections and joy, which I don’t have. Notice that I wrote “I don’t have” in the present tense. The inner child is a core part of me, a foundational part, and her past experiences are felt as though they are present and always have been. This is who I am, and referencing Thich Nhat Hanh’s words, I can’t avoid myself. I can’t run away from myself. I can’t keep myself buried deep inside, (away from the misguided part of me that thinks or thought that life without.. me is doable or sensible.

Does the above help, Jana?

anita

Dear Jana:

I’m glad to read that my advice may be helpful to you. Take your time to go through it on Monday.

Thank you for your well wishes! I’m planning to do my favorite thing in the world: socialize with a small group of people later on this afternoon, drinking some red wine . How about you? Do you have any plans for the weekend?

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for your kind words! Socializing helped me, and I appreciate your encouragement. 😊

It sounds wonderful that you are having a relaxing weekend ahead! Focusing on your connection with little Jana is a beautiful and nurturing thing to do. I’m glad to hear you’re taking this time for yourself.

Wishing you a peaceful and fulfilling weekend. If you need any more encouragement or just want to share your thoughts, I’m here for you.

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for another journal entry. It’s heartwarming to read about your peaceful weekend connecting with your inner child and nature.
Your compassion for your parents, despite their challenges, is a testament to your strength and understanding. It’s touching to see how you can empathize with their experiences and express your love for them, even amidst the complexities.

I also love how you relate your dog’s journey to your own. It’s a gentle reminder that growth and healing are possible, even after difficult beginnings. You and your dog have come a long way, and it’s wonderful to see you both as “good girls” today 😊

anita

Dear Jana:

The skepticism you encounter from others about the value of exploring past traumas is quite common. I was criticized repeatedly in my life for digging into the past, especially by my mother (who didn’t dig into her past traumas and extended her past traumas.. to me).

Many people find it difficult to understand why digging into the past can be beneficial. However, your experience and mine highlight the healing power of this process.

“Can people reach real joy without looking into their suffering? Or are they destined to suffer for good?”- my answer: depending on (1) the severity of their trauma, (2) their optimism, adaptability, and resilience- or lack of- before trauma, (3) the existence of a support system, or lack of, (4) life circumstances, such as the presence of ongoing stressors.

A child who is parented well, loved and supported, is likely to develop the optimism, adaptability and resilience required to ask for help in the case of severe bullying in school, let’s say, and cope with it way better than a child who grows up without support at home. I believe that optimism is not possible for a child who never experienced significant support somewhere, somehow.

“I know people who are in such pain that they are in constant denial.. And it seems that nothing good can reach them. They call you stupid and worse when you try.. How can they be helped?”- Helping those who are in denial and resistant to addressing their pain is very difficult. It’s important to approach them with empathy and patience (and to back off if they call you names!)

Sometimes offering a listening ear can make a difference. Encouraging them to seek professional support from a therapist or counselor might also be helpful.

Your journey of healing and self-discovery, Jana, is a testament to the power of acceptance and compassion. Wishing you continued strength and peace as you navigate these reflections.

anita