Tiny Buddha

Tag: self love

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Julia Manuel

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Julia Manuel

    julia

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Julia Manuel, a writer, strategic communications specialist, and assistant with a Baptiste-affiliated yoga studio.

    Her contribution for the book explores how we can live authentically instead of playing roles.

    A little more about Julia…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    My journey of self-love is a newer expedition. I spent most of my life striving to be the best at everything, piling too much on my plate, and being jealous of others.

    Although I still have an existential crisis occasionally and ask myself, “Why am I not living the slow life on an island rather than hustling around Northern Virginia?” I enjoy sharing my time at home with my husband, our dog, and our friends.

    Being surrounded by others’ positivity is an inspiration to reflect what they emit. I want to help others feel relaxed, appreciated, and loved, and I believe that energy is emitted from within. I work on loving myself so I can give that back to the people I encounter.

    2. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Someone complained to a mutual friend that I laughed too loud. For years, I’d muffle my laughter, hide my smile, and maintain composure when I was excited. I believed if someone complained, then these traits really were flaws.

    I think maturity was the turning point. The more comfortable I felt in my own skin and the more I loved myself, I realized that laughing loudly is an expression of how much joy and happiness I feel. It’s not the laughter of a hyena, but a deep, boisterous, riotous laugh.

    When people tell me, “I could hear you coming from a mile away you were laughing so hard,” it makes me laugh even more. I could be known for worse, right? Is it wrong to say that you love your own laugh? It reminds me that I live life to the fullest.

    3. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    Those with tremendous empathy must be careful that other people don’t use our warmth to fill a void, because we’re left exhausted. I let someone sponge off my energy so much that I lost myself. I wanted to help this person realize they were worthy of love and friendship, but it was parasitic, and I was left with nothing.

    The tables turned and I become the person who needed to feel loved and worthy. I clung to a new friend too fast and scared them because my actions were needy, desperate, compulsive, and negative.

    It’s been a slow process to forgive myself, but I remind myself that it is okay to leave the person you were in the past. I’ve learned to take ownership of my mistake and decided the only way to forgive myself would be to live in the present. When you’re present, there is no past or future.

    4. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me…

    …I am finally okay with that.

    5. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    A friend and I have gone to yoga classes together for three years. We roll out our mats next to each other, and for the first few months, every time we’d hit Warrior One, or crescent lunge, or chair pose, I’d peek over at her and think, “Geez, why am I not that close to my mat?! I’m not bending my knee enough or squatting low enough.” And then I beat myself up over it.

    One day, in the middle of class I realized, “Wait a second, I’m like a foot taller than her!” I know that’s the silliest example ever, but comparing ourselves to others is just that—silly. I was trying to convince my body to do things it simply couldn’t just to mimic someone else because what I saw was beautiful, calm movement.

    It’s so easy to compare. Someone at work dresses nicer than you or is a more eloquent speaker. Your friend is a perfect mother or amazing chef. Your partner always has their head on straight. What we need to recognize is the line between comparison and appreciation.

    One thing I learned from my yoga community is that I am right where I need to be. I’ve always strived to be an individual. When I’m down, I actually make a list of things I like about myself or what I’ve accomplished in the past year. When you love yourself, it’s easier to look at others and acknowledge their strengths rather than be jealous of them.

    6. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    You are good enough.

    7. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Finding Solitude. I recharge alone in silence whether that’s hiking, yoga, reading, etc.
    • Yoga. Yoga practice has bridged my mind and body. My thoughts are peaceful and collected and my body is strong. I carry that strength and peace off the mat. I also strive to practice the teachings of yoga toward other to maintain balance. We have to take good care of others too!
    • A good cry. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but I think crying is a great emotional release. I always feel so relaxed after expelling all of that pent up energy and able to take on the world.

    8. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    I love being of service to others. Recently, this has been in the form of sharing my knowledge and helping friends write essays or scholarship applications, sharing my teacher training experience with friends who want to become certified, mentoring new hires at work, surprising friends with a good bottle of wine for no reason.

    I love the community built from reciprocating good deeds and sharing.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Lucy H. Pearce

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Lucy H. Pearce

    lucy

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Lucy H.Pearce, who runs Dreaming Aloud.net, a blog about motherhood, creativity, and mindfulness; and The Happy Womb.com, a site offering empowering women’s resources.

    Her contribution for the book focuses on ways to overcome perfectionism.

    A little more about Lucy…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I am a mother of three young children, author of four women’s non-fiction books, pro-blogger, artist, teacher and contributing editor at a natural parenting magazine.

    Listing that just makes me feel tired, but I am also a life-long perfectionist, and believer that, even when I am dropping dead from exhaustion, I am a lazy ass who needs to get her butt in gear.

    My internal monologue sticks at “You are not doing enough…” I try to counteract this lovingly on a daily basis. My simplest tool for doing this is my “done” list, rather than “to do” list, which lists everything I have accomplished in the day. 

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    I think there is more wrong with me than right. I’m my own worst critic and struggle to stay the right side of sane on a daily basis. I am someone who always tends to take too much on, in a mad bid to stay sane.

    It’s a funny old mix. I have a hundred passions—all leading me in different directions. If I “take it easy” I get miserable pretty fast. I love what I do, and do what I love. But I also live with anxiety, bi-polar, and have three small children in tow.

    Sometimes I find myself getting so mad with them and myself for holding me back. But as a massage therapist once said to me, they are what keeps me grounded; without them I’d be spiraling off too far and fast. 

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Discovering that I was bi-polar a couple of months back was transformative for me. I was so scared of letting people know, it felt like such a big deal. Like how coming out must feel; I was prepared for rejection.

    What I was not prepared for was the out-pouring of love toward me. Or the fact that no one was surprised.

    Instead, I was getting emails and messages saying that they were glad I had this thing that scared me so much—glad because it was what helped me to do my creative work which they loved so much; glad because I was someone who would be able to share my experiences in managing it creatively and naturally with others; grateful for my giving voice to what is often left unspoken and silent.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …curl up in a ball and cry. I’d love to have some big clever answer, but it’s true.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons? 

    Oh, I’m good at the comparison thing. Most especially when it comes to mothering, and tidy houses. I get my knickers in such a knot about my house being a mess—and how it shouldn’t be.

    I know that for someone who does the amount I do, who has three little kids and struggles with health issues that I need to let this go, but I feel so judged, as though not living in a show home makes me some sort of moral failure.

    I make no apologies that I prefer painting pictures or writing books to cleaning my house, but I feel I should. 

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that? 

    This is something I’ve really struggled with. I’ve always felt a bit odd, different to “normal” people, a feeling that was certainly reinforced by childhood bullies. I really tried to be normal and keep my weird bits under wraps.

    It’s something I really had to get out of the way in order to be able to publish my first book Moon Time. Not only was it my first book, and self-published, but it was on the menstrual cycle—not the easiest conversation starter!

    But here’s the thing: in order to write it, I had to get over myself as flawed, deeply embarrassing, and requiring hiding away. I had to be open, and honest. Getting over myself was part of the process of writing it.

    The same with starting to paint again and having my first professional exhibition. I felt totally vulnerable and exposed doing this, but that was part of the process.

    The myth is that you get your confidence first and then you live your dream. The truth is that you do your dream, feeling scared, becoming it all the time. And through it you become your dream, you become the you, out loud, that you’ve always been hiding from, and hiding from others.

    It’s an immense act of courage. It feels like you’re going to die. But instead you come out the other side freer.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    What’s helped me most, the past couple of years, is to be able to put “labels” to what I suffer with, rather than me just being a loser.

    When I realize that I am managing conditions, then self-care becomes not a luxury but a necessity. Managing my mental health is as vital for me as for a diabetic or an asthmatic managing their condition.

    The most important thing for me is knowing when to “stop the lights.” Either I or someone I love waves a flag when things are getting out of control, the panic is rising, and I’m getting overwhelmed, and I stop.

    I drop everything go to bed or watch a movie with the kids, postpone appointments, abandon my to-do lists for a few hours, and cull them.

    Though everything feels vital and urgent, I stop. Drop everything, and take care of myself: breathe, force myself outside and away from the computer, have a glass of water and do beans on toast for dinner.

    The world will keep on turning with me on “go slow” for a few hours. The ego won’t let me believe this, but it will. If I died, it really would keep on turning. So I can die to the world for a few hours, it will all be here in the morning. 

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world? 

    Sending out orders of my books and moon dials, and getting emails back from women around the world saying how my words have changed their lives. I will never get tired of that, nor forget what a blessing it is to do my work.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Julie Hoyle

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Julie Hoyle

    julie-hoyle

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Julie Hoyle of True Alignment. Having experienced a profound spiritual awakening, she now teaches others to transform self-limiting beliefs, expand in consciousness, and access their innate gifts, skills, and talents.

    Her contribution for the book explores how we can come home to ourselves by embracing our shadow side.

    A little more about Julie…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I was born in the UK and have called the Bahamas my home on and off for close to thirty years. In 1989, while living in the capital New Providence, I had a lucid dream.

    In the dream, I was tapped on the head by a Yogi in a white loin cloth. Later, I discovered the Yogi was Bhagawan Nityananda, a revered Indian saint who died in the 1960’s.

    His touch was radical and life-changing in a way that I could never have anticipated.  I was graced with lucid dreams with Saints from diverse paths and traditions who gave teachings and guidance.

    In the waking state I was forced to face my inner demons, or what is now commonly referred to as the Shadow. Through this work I began to wake up to the realization that we can only love who we are if we have the courage to accept and transform the darkness within.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    I always felt like I never fit in. For example, I could never fathom why most people seemed obsessed with material accumulation and success.

    For a while I tried to be the same, but I could not do it. The result was I began to believe there was something fundamental missing in me.

    This created pain, discontent, and feelings of isolation. The weight of this pain was so wretched, my spiritual search was focused on finding someone or something that could show me what was missing.

    Happily, without consciously realizing it at the time, I began what enlightened masters describe as “the path of return,” the path back to who we are. During the course of this journey, I began to appreciate that “feeling like we don’t fit in” is a blessing. It is typical of people who are mystics.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    The flaw was being a natural intuitive. As a child, I would know things about a person without him or her saying anything.

    I also had otherworldly experiences and angelic visitations, which I assumed everyone else had too. However, one day I realized that this was not the case. When I was fourteen, I decided it was best to keep quiet about this aspect of my life.

    Following a debilitating back problem in my early thirties (prior to Nityananda’s gift of initiation) I became conscious of trying to “stay safe” by closing myself down. From that moment on, I felt compelled to change the dynamic.

    Changing the dynamic meant having the courage to share. In the beginning I began writing articles for Mind-Body-Spirit magazines. Then I wrote an E-book about my radical awakening. Later, the work grew to online courses and spiritual counseling.

    Looking into the face of my fears has been life-changing. In an organic and beautiful way it has led me to my purpose.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    This is difficult to answer. I really don’t believe in mistakes as such. Everything is a lesson we can learn and grow from. Everything has its own perfection, its own grace.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …do two things:

    • I look inside and reflect on whether I may have said something or acted in a way that may be interpreted as being insensitive or unkind.
    • If nothing jumps out in response to #1, I leave it alone. I don’t attempt to change the perception by working to win him or her over.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I have never been obsessive about material accumulation. However, when I was in my twenties and early thirties, I would look at what others had and feel less accomplished.

    Then I began to realize that appearances are deceptive and that many people live their lives in debt. I did not want that.

    I decided my goal would be to keep things simple. Ever since, I have made a determined effort to make sure that if I die tomorrow I will not be leaving anyone in a financial hole.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    The secret to health and wholeness is to value and appreciate yourself; no one else can do that for you. Only you can make you feel whole.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    For a large part of my life I was tentative and circumspect about revealing my intuitive gifts. I was terrified of being judged or thought of as weird, so I kept things pretty much under wraps.

    However, in 2008 my husband and I lost the whole of our life savings when our bank went into liquidation. It was a dramatic wake-up call.

    I decided, “To hell with it! If everything is gone I am going to do what I have always wanted to do (which is write, share and counsel), I am going to let things rip and see what happens.” This was the best decision I ever made or I should say, was made for me by dramatic circumstance!

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally? 

    • Meditation.
    • Exercise, which usually includes swimming, hiking, or cycling.
    • Laugh as much as possible and remember not to take myself too seriously

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Proud is not a word I would use. Being aligned with purpose is integral to wellbeing for me.

    Teaching others how to access, listen to, and act on their innate wisdom is incredible. It keeps me in check. It tasks me to be authentic and to reflect integrity.

    I love supporting people to wake up. To realize we have the wherewithal to transform challenges and create positive, lasting changes in our lives is a joy. I am honored and grateful to be a part of this alchemical process of self-recognition.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Emma Brooke

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Emma Brooke

    emma-brooke

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is life coach Emma Brooke, a yogini with a passion for figuring out how people tick and using that to help them find space and clarity in their lives.

    Her contribution for the book focuses on letting go of insecurities.

    A little more about Emma…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I picked up yoga when I was 19 in university and finally found a place where there was no competition and no expectations. All the pressure I put on myself and all the expectations of my parents and being the first in the family to go to college fell away, and I finally realized what it meant to relax.

    From there, it was years before I had the courage to follow my own path. I’m still walking a tightrope between parental expectations and my own journey, but I’m making great progress.

    I trained in counseling and hypnotherapy part-time alongside a full-time job, and now work with other stressed out women to help them stay present and get in touch with their own inner wisdom.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Hasn’t everyone? I often worry that I will always be thinking that the grass is always greener and that I should be like everyone else who accepts that they have to work fifty hours a week for someone else, doing something they aren’t excited about, in order to earn money to live the life they want to live in four weeks a year.

    I hope I never convince myself that settling is acceptable. I want to believe I can do good and have fun and make enough money to eat!

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    I have always been quite analytical and logical, which can come off as unfeeling or emotionally challenged. I spent a long time trying to be more emotional and expressive so people didn’t think I was a heartless cow.

    However, I’ve realized that it wasn’t that I couldn’t feel; it was that I was being mindful and accepting of my feelings rather than letting them control me.

    This is what I now teach—how to not let your emotions or other people dictate how you feel so you can choose how you feel, and feel your emotions from a safe place. People now pay me to teach them my flaw!

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    This is a hard question for me because I really have trained myself to look at everything as a gift or a lesson—living life without regrets!

    There are of course life decisions that have affected me in a negative way. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 17, which contributed to an eating disorder I developed in my early twenties.

    I also stayed in a relationship with a long-term partner who manipulated me into being someone I neither wanted to be, nor felt comfortable being (and eventually broke up with him—on Christmas).

    Despite these mistakes, I don’t regret them. They taught me so many valuable lessons and made me a much stronger person.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …remember that I’m unique and therefore not for everyone, and that generally the traits you don’t like in other people point to similar traits you want to work on in yourself.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I used to spend far too much time and energy comparing myself to other people. Work and school were biggies, fueled by parental expectations.

    Through yoga I slowly learned to accept myself for who I was and began to see the value in me, rather than the flaws. This is my journey. It doesn’t matter what course it takes, it will always be mine and for me. 

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you? 

    It can make a great Band-Aid, but that’s all it is. Sometimes it’s necessary to bolster your self-esteem but try to remember that everyone and everything is transitory.  You may not always have these people in your life.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    For a very long while I hid my hypnotherapy and counseling training from work colleagues and friends in case they judged me.

    As I’ve got older I have surrounded myself with friends who I can be myself around and who appreciate my uniqueness. Finding “your people” and knowing you’re following your own intuition and are on the right path helps you be your authentic self.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Yoga and meditation. I generally only take 15-20 minutes a day to practice, but it keeps the practice of mindfulness at the forefront of everything I do.
    • Fresh air and space. I get claustrophobic in London, even though I live by the river, so I go back to my childhood home in North Wales at least every month.
    • My Scottie dog, Sam. He reminds me what it’s like to love unconditionally and have fun for the sake of having fun when he goes mental and runs round in circles for no apparent reason and then curls up in my lap when I need a hug.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    My work makes me proud. I help people find their intuition and relax and I also volunteer as a compassion for an isolated elderly lady. I might not be changing anything on a global scale, but I get to hear the joy in peoples’ voices and see the smiles on their faces when they feel better, and that’s an incredible feeling.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • 7 Ways to Cultivate a Deep Sense of Love for Yourself

    7 Ways to Cultivate a Deep Sense of Love for Yourself

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I have struggled with a lack of self-love for most of my life. I’ve experienced feelings of guilt and shame on a regular basis and have constantly sought the approval of others. My father committed suicide when I was fourteen years old, and that shaped my feelings about myself.

    It completely rocked my world and everything that I thought I knew. It happened at such a vulnerable age. I was on the verge of beginning high school, just going into the teenage years, and my self-esteem was already pretty shaky. My dad’s suicide shattered what was left of it.

    I struggled with his suicide for much of my teenage and young adult years. I felt angry for a long time, put up walls around myself so that others could not get too close, and never felt worthy enough for lasting friendships and intimate relationships.

    About five years ago I began the path of spiritual study and practice, which has changed my life like nothing that I have ever experienced before. I am thirty-four years old now and have been moving into a place of greater, deeper, passionate love for myself. I want to share with others what I have done to experience this in my life.

    These points below have helped me to expand in my consciousness and move to a place of actually feeling the love that already lies within.

    1. Embody love in everything that you do.

    That means give your loving attention to each task at hand. The more love that you put into whatever it is that you are doing, even if it is just brushing your teeth, the more that you will cultivate a love-filled consciousness.

    I began this practice months ago when I found myself constantly complaining in my head about the same old daily routine. I decided to see how peaceful and loving I could be while I was doing whatever I was doing. Not only did it make the actual activities more pleasant, a deep sense of peace took over me.

    2. Practice complete acceptance in your life.

    I struggled for years with thoughts that my life should be different, that my father shouldn’t have been depressed for so many years and ultimately take his own life, and that the past should not have happened the way it had.

    What is more painful than the actual experiences that we may be having are our thoughts about the experiences. The fact is that we have all experienced painful situations, and to deny them, wish them away, or say that they should not have happened only creates more pain.

    Complete acceptance of the past for what it is and of yourself for exactly where you are right now is truly powerful.

    3. Have compassion for others.

    Many like to use the word forgiveness, but everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know. Our true essence never gets its feelings hurt, only the mind does; therefore, there is nothing to forgive.

    When I looked at my dad and his suicide from the perspective of my spirit and placed myself into his shoes, I felt such compassion and love for him.

    What matters more than anything is not what the other person is doing but what we are doing, so practice sending the other person love no matter what. Look at the situation from their standpoint and release the tight grip that you may have on your own point of view.

    4. Be still and know that you are love.

    Our true, infinite nature is that of love, so recognize that infinite nature by retreating into stillness as much as possible. There are many ways to still your mind, but the one that has been the most effective for me, especially in the beginning stages of this practice, is to place my attention on my mind.

    I practice seeing how long I can go in between thoughts. They may come, but let them go, and eventually the space in between will get wider and wider. The one witnessing the mind is your true nature.

    5. Pay attention to the thoughts you have throughout the day.

    Are they critical, judgmental, and negative toward yourself and others? If so, stop when you become aware, accept and allow the thought to be, send love to yourself and to the other person, and move on.

    We create our reality through our thoughts. For example, I felt like I was a victim for so many years. The only thing that that did for me was create situations where I became the so-called victim, since that was what I had in my thought processes and, therefore, in my energy field.

    6. Surround yourself with love.

    Do what you can to move away from the people, places, and things that drain you of your energy. Surround yourself as much as possible with those who are loving and supportive.

    If you are at a job that you dislike with a passion, look for something else that you are passionate about. Love yourself enough to give that to yourself as a gift. The more that you begin to honor yourself and do what you feel is for your highest good, the more love that you begin to feel.

    7. Follow your intuition.

    Begin to take steps toward those passions and dreams that you have. We receive little nudges for a reason; our intuition is directing us that way. When we stop and listen to those feelings and begin to take baby steps to act on them, a whole new universe of possibilities opens up for us.

    I have been practicing this for the last five years or so now, and it has taken me down a path that my mind could never have even conceived. Many times we feel urges to do certain things, but our thinking stops us from acting. Begin to take baby steps each day in the direction of your passions.

    The more that I practice these, the easier they become. I feel a general sense of peace that I have never experienced before. There was major resistance that I had at first because of the old brain paths that were set in place.

    Fortunately, those brain paths can be undone and a new way of thinking, being, and doing can be brought forth. Peace and love are what make up our true nature, and all that we are doing is allowing that peace and love to shine in their natural essence. That small self then becomes the grand self.

    One thing that I forgot to mention: You are worth it.

    Photo by thea-bee photography

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Joanna Z. Weston

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Joanna Z. Weston

    joanna-weston

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is life coach Joanna Z. Weston, who formerly struggled with depression and now helps others find a way out.

    Her contribution for the book urges us to celebrate how far we’ve come in life instead of focusing on everything we think we lack or should have done by now.

    A little more about Joanna…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I’ve struggled with depression, shyness, and general insecurity most of my life, so self-love has never come easily for me. I doubt that it ever will come very easily, which is why I am so well-suited to helping other people learn to do it; I know just how hard it is to practice self-love, so I will never take it for granted!

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Something? Try everything! I have hated (in no particular order): my body, my sense of humor, the talents I have, the fact that I lack the talents I lack, my strong opinions, and my general world view (because it was different from my peers).

    Not so coincidentally, those are the exact same reasons why my friends and husband claim to like me so much.  Go figure!

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    I’ve spent most of my life feeling not like a square peg in a round hole, but more like a non-Euclidean peg in a round hole. It’s not anything specific I can really point to.  My whole way of looking at the world is just 15 degrees off from center.

    I do very odd things with words. I get way too excited about things that most people just do not care about, and am bored by the things that other people find fascinating.

    I’m too weird for normal people, but don’t fit in any better with the geeks and the other freaks, because I suck at conforming to their standards almost as much as I suck at conforming to the normal ones!

    But apparently this is what my friends like about me. It’s hard to let go, but the people who don’t appreciate it don’t matter. Not really.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    I had a serious interpersonal kerfluffle during college, and I spent years and years dwelling on it. What finally let me move on was a combination of a lot of things, but mostly realizing that, when it was happening, there was really nothing else I could have done, given who I was and where I was in my life.

    There were better ways of handling it, but I didn’t have access to them. Time also helped; it may not completely heal all wounds, but it does allow scabs to form if you can avoid picking them off.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …used to either desperately try to make them change their minds, or else become defensive and bitter. Now I try to take a deep breathe and remember that their opinions are their business, and have little to do with me.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    The only thing I’ve found that helps me to stop comparing myself (negatively, of course) to everyone else is to love myself better. To honor my true strengths, rather than downplaying them as “easy” or “not important.”

    It has been really, really hard for me to learn that the things I excel at are valuable, and also that I don’t have to be good (or even competent) at everything. There is something to be said for improving your weak areas, but there is also a lot to be said for focusing on and honing your strengths.

    Something else that has been helpful is surrounding myself with people who don’t feel a need to put me down in order to elevate themselves. It isn’t necessary and it isn’t healthy, for me or for them.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    It’s a lovely idea, but it won’t work. You cannot truly accept anything from someone else that you can’t give to yourself, at least in some small way. That is true for love, forgiveness, acclaim, pride, and pretty much everything else worth feeling or having.

    It’s not that other people can’t give you those things in part—they can and they do and they will!—but you won’t be able to feel the truth of their gifts until you can offer the same things up to yourself.

    Oh, and don’t beat yourself up if you have trouble putting that into practice—nobody really has that one down perfectly.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    I’m actually terrible at keeping my real self hidden, though I’ve often wished it were otherwise—it would make my life a hell of a lot easier! But in reality, I think that has been a great blessing for me.

    If I were better able to hide my true self to fit in, I might never have worked up the courage to let it out. As it is, I struggled a lot in social situations (particularly in elementary school), but I eventually learned how to avoid the people who didn’t understand me and surround myself with supportive friends.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    I absolutely must spend time every day in some sort of spiritual communion—prayer, meditation, and gratitude are essential. Getting enough sleep (no less than 7 hours, ideally 8 or 9) is also critical, as is eating properly (which can vary from day to day, but definitely involves getting enough protein and eating frequently).

    And to be honest, a lot of that changes based on circumstances. I’m ordinarily solitary, so sometimes taking care of myself means forgoing a good night’s sleep in order to stay up late with friends. But if I’m living in any sort of communal setting (even for a day or two), it is absolutely vital that I have some time away from other people.

    For me, it’s important to respect irrefutable truths about who I am, but also to stay flexible and responsive.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    My coaching. I truly believe that helping more people to genuinely know and love themselves, to honor their strengths and bring their potential to life, is the most important thing I can be doing.

    The world needs more people who are motivated by joy and fewer people who are motivating themselves through bitterness, hatred, and fear. Those do not motivate people to live with compassion, and that is what this world really needs.

    There is a myth that happiness causes complacency, but that’s just a story we tell ourselves to justify our misery. If you are truly happy, if you truly love yourself, if your cup truly runneth over, then you will naturally want to help other people.

    Suddenly, it’s no longer hard to loan a friend money, or watch someone’s kids for the afternoon, or make the effort to shop at local stores, or throw out your trash instead of tossing it on the ground. If I can help bring more of that energy into the world, then I’m doing pretty damn well.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Elizabeth Garbee

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Elizabeth Garbee

    elizabeth-garbee

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Elizabeth Garbee, a college student and regular Tiny Buddha reader who plays the violin.

    Her contribution for the book urges us to stop clinging to people as a means of feeling we are loved.

    A little more about Elizabeth…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I’m a work in progress.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    I’m 21 years old, and have never been in even a casual “relationship.” Not for lack of interest, or even lack of trying. It just hasn’t felt right yet.

    I used to let that really bother me that no one ever asked me out. And whenever I’ve asked someone or tried to gauge their interest, I’ve always received a “no,” “never,” or “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” With a track record like that, it’s hard not to think there might actually be something wrong with you, something that just turns people off.

    My perception is still evolving. But what helps me the most when that feeling resurfaces is to remember that those thoughts are just part of a worn out story my brain wants to tell me.

    And when I separate myself from the thoughts, the words, and just let my brain chatter away to itself, the volume goes down. Without a captive audience, those thoughts just fade away.

    3. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    My biggest mistakes have always resulted from not believing people when they try to tell/show me who they are.

    I instead will continue to see them as the person I would like them to be, ignoring the signs and signals they’re sending—resulting in me trusting them with a secret they aren’t able to bear, or giving them responsibilities they can’t shoulder.

    In those cases, the responsibility for the relationship falling apart is mine, because I mistook the person in front of me for the version I had created in my head.

    Forgiveness has always come in hindsight, and often because I’m able to connect the dots that led to the mistake to see that I had to learn that lesson before I could close that door and open the next one.

    When you know better, you do better—and until you know better, you’ll continue to make the same mistake. Forgiveness is giving yourself permission to get back on your feet after you fall, knowing full well that you may land right back on the ground.

    4. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …let them. My responsibility is to be authentic to myself and put my best face forward. What other people do with that is up to them, and completely out of my hands.

    5. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    In high school, I struggled with something I now recognize as a mild eating disorder: suffice it to say that I had a very adversarial relationship with food.

    I won’t pretend that I don’t still compare my body to that of other women, because I do. It’s something I wrestle with every day. But I make those comparisons less and less because I realized at some point that I don’t actually want what those women seem to have—my body is strong, my body is patient, and has withstood all the crazy I’ve thrown at it.

    I’ve earned this body, and wouldn’t trade it for one that’s taller or has narrower thighs.

    6. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    It’s gonna happen—inevitably, you’ll find yourself trying to fill the hole in your heart with people you think are the right shape. But don’t punish yourself when those relationships fall apart.

    Rather, take a good look at what qualities made you think that person was the right shape in the first place: chances are, you were drawn to them because they reflected parts of yourself that you have been neglecting. Nourish them and the hole might start to shrink, until you wonder why you ever thought it was there to begin with.

    7. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Oh, every day. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable that some days I would much rather wear a mask and keep myself under the surface. My “real” self changes day by day, and it’s so hard to continue to get to know yourself while simultaneously presenting that self to other people.

    I was, like a lot of people, always afraid that if I truly “showed up,” no one would like what they saw. Or perhaps even worse, that no one would see me at all.

    I think at some point I just got tired of carefully editing and monitoring my behavior. It’s exhausting!

    Just recently, I went through a really rough few weeks and was trying to put on a brave face to avoid having to answer a lot of questions. But I totally lost my composure one night, and rather than back away and leave the room, a good friend sat next to me on my bed and just held me.

    Few people have seen me cry like that, and letting my true feelings out didn’t even faze him. If you let the “real you” come to the surface, baggage and all, the people who truly matter will stick around, I promise.

    8. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good care of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Drink plenty of water (and tea)
    • Get a good night’s sleep
    • Make time every day to practice my violin. It’s one of the few times when I can check in with myself and reflect with no pretense and no filters. Some people meditate—I play Bach.

    9. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    I don’t ever really think about the “difference I’m making in the world.” It always struck me as a bit presumptuous to claim to know how you’re changing the big picture.

    I simply try every day to have a net positive impact on the lives of those I’m with. No grand design or lofty purpose: just a quiet practice of empathy and gratitude. That, and a steady stream of home baked goods.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Jennifer Chrisman

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Jennifer Chrisman

    jenn-chrisman

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Jennifer Chrisman, a psychologist, wife, and mother of two, who believes wholeheartedly in the healing power of compassion, tolerance, and human connection.

    Her contribution for the book explores how we can stay connected to the belief that we deserve a life of love, instead of feeding our fears and insecurities.

    A little more about Jennifer…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I feel like I started this process at a very young age, always questioning my purpose, and trying to find the “solution” so that I could finally feel good about myself.

    I went into the helping profession because I wanted to be an advocate and a role model for other young women, who may have been struggling with the same insecurities, fears, and addictions that I was, but deeper than that I think I was hoping that with enough therapy and education I would be able to heal myself.

    My journey is an ever-evolving process. I tend to view myself as a recovering perfectionist, and for me that means allowing space in my life for all of myself, all of my experiences, the ups and the downs.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    I can remember as early as elementary school always feeling different from my peers. I was painfully shy and for me, to feel different meant to feel less than.

    When I was 10 years old my father committed suicide, and while I think there was already groundwork being laid, that event solidified in my mind the evidence that I really wasn’t special or loved.

    I spent the next two decades of my life trying to fix all of my flaws. I truly believed that if only I lost a little bit more weight, was just a little prettier, made a certain amount of money, earned the affection of certain people, then I would  feel worthy of love.

    Along the road, I lost the weight, I earned the degrees, I made the money, everything “looked” the way it was supposed to, but I still couldn’t tolerate being in my own skin because I still didn’t have any concept of self-love.

    I didn’t know what it meant when people told me, “it’s an inside job.”

    I think we all come to a point in our lives where we realize that something’s got to give, and for me that was the year my son was born. On the outside, my life looked perfect to everyone around me but on the inside I came to what would be considered my “bottom.” I felt like a secret and I felt like a fraud.

    Today I believe that we are always provided with exactly what we need, when we need it, and that things change when we are ready to make change, and not a moment sooner!

    A series of events led me to finding a spiritual solution, one that I was aware of and familiar with, but unwilling, up until that point to open myself up to. That is when I began to critically examine my faulty belief systems, to challenge my old ideas of how I thought things needed to be done, and how they should look, and to simply LET GO.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    I used to think that to need anything from someone else was a flaw. I thought that any form of dependency was a weakness and I defended against it for most of life.

    Unfortunately, there is no one among us that doesn’t have needs or can walk this path entirely on their own. When I began to get truly humble and ask others for help, it’s amazing how much love and support showed up in my life.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    I genuinely do not believe there are any mistakes in my life, only opportunities. It has taken me a long time to come to this belief because I used to spend most of my time hiding in shame and believing, “if only I’d done things differently.”

    Every single experience I have had in my life has led me to this exact moment, and right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I look at the darkest moments in my life, each of the “bad choices” as my sacred wounds. They needed to happen because there was something I needed to learn.

    Finding forgiveness for those I believe harmed me and taking responsibility for my part in each of those experiences helps set me free from living with the bondage of having made “mistakes.”

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …often times revert back to old thinking and obsess about what’s wrong with me, or what’s wrong with them, and what do I need to do to “fix” the situation.

    I don’t think anyone ever really gets comfortable with the notion of not being liked. However, today, I’m able to, most of the time, bring myself back fairly quickly from the catastrophe I’ve spun in my head, to recognize that while it’s often times uncomfortable to not be liked, I don’t have to defend myself or change anyone’s opinion of me.

    I’ve spent a lot of time on my self-love journey coming into recognition of, and acceptance of, those things that are within my power to change and those that are not.

    Other people’s opinions of me are not within my power to change, and as is commonly said, are not even really any of my business.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    It can be very easy for me to play what I call, “The Compare and Despair” game because often what happens is I am comparing my internal experience to someone else’s external appearance, and those two will never measure up equally.

    This shows up in almost all aspects of my life: motherhood, my career, my marriage, my body, etc. What I’ve come to realize for myself is that I just need to be willing to be honest and aware of myself when I’m doing it because it’s really just providing me with information.

    I spend a lot of time and focus on creating space between myself and my thoughts, realizing that just because I have a thought, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true, and within this space I get to make adjustments when need be.

    So, when I become aware that I’m playing the Compare and Despair game, it’s just information that there’s some part of my life that’s needing a little bit more “work,” often in the form of nurturing and loving attention.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    Doesn’t really matter because I probably wouldn’t have listened! I needed to go through the experiences I did, to feel the pain and discomfort of those unhealthy dependencies, until I was ready to let them go.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    I spent most of my life afraid of showing people the “real” me and I believe it’s because I didn’t know the real me. I was so consumed with being who I thought I was supposed to be that I never actually took the time to find me.

    Accepting that I am powerless over other people and their opinions of me has given me the freedom to begin to explore and find myself and to stand by who that is.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    My journey is a one-day-at-a-time process and it’s important for me to consistently remain active in my self-care practices; I can’t rely on what I did yesterday to take me through today.

    Therefore, I start every morning with prayer and meditation, where I get centered and set an intention for myself and how I want to show up in my life. And then I need to get and stay connected.

    I think community is really important and so I make it a point to surround myself with like-minded individuals that are encouraging and supportive. And finally, I need to move my body.

    I’m dedicated to my yoga and Pilates practices and really value making conscious contact with my body through breath and movement.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Today, I consistently show up for my life. I’m no longer a secret, hiding behind my fears and insecurities. I believe that I walk with grace and dignity, right in the middle, where I’m supposed to be, no better than, or less than any other person trying to figure this life out.

    I’m blessed to work with amazing clients and to be the mother to the two most incredible babies, and there is no doubt in my mind that the woman I am today, and the journey I am trudging, will make a difference in their lives, and countless other lives.

    How exactly that is, I don’t really know, and so I’ll keep moving forward acting with integrity and smile on my face.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Jeanine Nicole Cerundolo

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Jeanine Nicole Cerundolo

    jeanine-nicole-cerundolo

    This is second week of a month-long promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them contributors through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Jeanine Nicole Cerundolo, a yoga instructor and bliss coach who’s on a mission to nurture a world in which we are each more self-affirming through an abundance of self-love, more confident in the power of our dreams, and more fulfilled in the process of reaching them.

    Her contribution for the book explores the benefits of embracing both positive and negative emotions instead of assuming we need to always be happy.

    A little more about Jeanine…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    As a sensitive soul and highly emotional being, I have been very attuned to both the delights and the darkness of life, simply in feeling each deeply.

    My self-love journey has been a path to first, knowing myself; second, accepting myself; and third, letting myself be and allowing the richness of life to flow, without trying to control it with pre-conceived notions, concepts, or desires.

    As I continue to delve into transformational work and immerse myself in such communities, I’m gaining traction in terms of my growing self-confidence, self-assurance, and self-actualization. I’m becoming all that I dreamed of by simply owning that I have always been what I’ve been seeking.

    It is the recognition of my gifts and gratitude for them that make up the embodiment of self-love. Through this, I know that my life is a gift not through what I do, but in who and how I am in the world.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    I don’t often feel there is “something wrong with me,” but I definitely am very hard on myself and tend to put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to achieve, succeed, and blossom.

    I am often impatient with my “flaws” or my “shadow side,” and the resistance to these parts of myself only magnifies their power.

    Tools that help me shift from self-doubt and self-loathing to self-love include breath work (just breathe!), writing a gratitude journal, reminding myself that this too will pass and is simply part of the process, and reaching out for help when necessary.

    As the saying goes: “Joy shared is doubled, and grief shared is halved.”

    I also collect nice things people share about what they value in me and read it when I’m feeling blue, for a little pick-me-up.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    I am often very self-expressed and can feel that this is a flaw when I share in an over-the-top way, talk too fast in my excitement, or come on too strong.

    I think that this exuberance does have its drawbacks when expressed in excess, but that my enthusiasm for life and the topics that get me jazzed can actually become contagious, and are even admirable.

    I think the key here is to reign myself in a bit by exercising a balanced approach, thinking before speaking, and sharing for the sake of contributing to others, not just because I feel like it.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    My biggest mistakes are always when I think that the “truth” or my “happiness” resides outside myself.

    When I admire another to the point of being jealous or insecure, or when I want something (an opportunity or a relationship) so badly that I miss out on the joy and wholeness of the present moment, that is when I am robbing myself of the truth that I am already complete.

    There is a spiritual teaching that says, “Everything hurt shall be healed again, everything lost shall be found again.”

    The process of trusting myself and reminding myself to go within for the answers and the peace that I seek allows me to feel relief from the grasping or desperation that feeds the myth that I am “not enough.” Lately, prayer and meditation have really helped center me in that knowing.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …curl up in a ball and get sad.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I compare myself to others in the area of doing-what-you-love. Because writing, yoga, coaching, and entrepreneurship are so important to me, those are the areas where I am hard on myself or become jealous of others.

    If someone is a nuclear physicist, I think, “Hey, more power to you.” It doesn’t trigger me because it is not in me by any means to by a nuclear physicist.

    But if someone is a “better” yoga teacher, published author, or seemingly experiencing more success than I am in the zones that I am working on, then that actually highlights the places where my potential is unrealized and itching to be fulfilled.

    I can become uncomfortable in those moments, but in the end, returning to the knowing that I am on the path, and then feeling grateful for these opportunities to see where I can still grow—and becoming inspired by those people who are already in the game—are ways I can shed the destructive comparisons and replace them with affirmations.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    I would tell my younger self that it is important to neither be dependent nor independent, but to be interdependent.

    It is vital to be and feel whole and complete for who you are and to love yourself, and it is also vital to feed that soulfulness through nourishing interactions with others and in a loving community.

    Not looking to others to complete you doesn’t mean to become an island, it just means not feeling like you are missing something or that your worth is contingent on what others think about you.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    I have to admit that I am rarely afraid to show my true colors. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my work is actually to contain myself a bit more and practice restraint since I’m so eager to be open and vulnerable; but then sometimes feel like I spilled the beans too much and then worry about how my sharing will come across.

    Usually, it’s not as bad as I imagine, so it helps to remember that fear grows with the time and energy that you spend feeding it!

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    The top things I need to do to take good care of myself, both mentally and emotionally, are:

    • Daily morning practice of meditation, yoga, journaling, and reading inspirational texts
    • Breathwork and healthy habits regarding nutrition and exercise
    • Practicing gratitude, especially blessing food before eating
    • Being gentle with myself, treating myself as I would a good friend

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    When I engage in the pursuits I love most—working in yoga, life coaching, and writing—I become the highest version of myself and feel most generous, gracious, and giving.

    Agapi Stassinopoulos says, “Be a go-giver, not a go-getter” and I think these words are beyond wise! When you do what you love and you aim to serve, and for your work to be a contribution to others and to the world, that alignment is true bliss!

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Erin Lanahan

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Erin Lanahan

    erin-lanahan

    This is second week of a month-long promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them contributors through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Erin Lanahan, a holistic health coach who formerly struggled with her relationship with herself and her body, and finding purpose and meaning in her life.

    Her contribution for the book urges us to change our perception of rejection so we can learn, grow, and even benefit from it.

    A little more about Erin…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I have been on a path of releasing shame, low self-esteem, and low self-worth for the majority of my life. I became aware of these limitations and how they ruined my ability to be myself and speak my truth at a pretty young age.

    Ever since, I have been reaching past my comfort zones, expanding the ways in which I share my message and myself, with friends, family, clients, and students. I have been on an endless adventure, exploring my inner universe so I can best experience my outer universe.

    Self-love has been the cure to all my problems. The lack of it pushed me into drug and alcohol abuse, food obsession, unhealthy and toxic relationships, and all sorts of attempts to escape my current feelings and circumstances.

    Today I am a work in progress, but I am aware that as long as I do not abandon myself and as long as I love myself unconditionally, I will be okay and able to survive anything.

    In fact, I know that I will not only survive if I use self-love as my cure, but I will thrive.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    There was a time in my life when I would not have been able to give you list of things that were “right” or “good” about me. I lived in the land of self-judgment and conditional love. All I could see was what was wrong with me, and it was pretty much everything.

    I felt so much shame about certain things that happened to me along the way. I was afraid to let myself get too close to others, out of fear that they would leave me if they actually knew everything about me, saw me up close, and knew just how insane I truly am!

    Then, through working with others, working under mentors and coaches of my own, I realized that nothing happens to me, but rather life happens for me. At first, this was hard to swallow. It was a paradigm shift, and yet, it gave me an opportunity to reclaim my power.

    As I began to shift the way I saw the things that happened in my world, I began to experience life in a completely different way. This doesn’t mean life got easier all of the time, but it did get easier for some of the time, and it certainly got more interesting all of the time.

    I continue to ask myself: “If this is happening for me, then how can I take my power back?” This sends me on a treasure hunt, and as a result, I create the opportunity to uncover and discover the hidden treasures of my soul.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Absolutely. I used to hate being vulnerable, showing people my insecurities, and letting them in on the secret that I was human. Turns out, my students, clients, friends, family, and partner all connect with me and relate to me on a much deeper level when I share this truth with them. It has become my greatest strength.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    My biggest mistake is how many people I hurt by hating myself so much, which was actually all ego.

    My ego-driven fears, such as the lack of belief in myself and shame around who I was, made it impossible for me to show up for life and for those who benefited from my services and presence.

    My shame sent me to a rock bottom, where I blamed everything for my pain. Not taking responsibility for my part in things burned many bridges between me and others.

    I have been able to forgive myself because I see now that I was doing the best I could all those years ago.

    I can feel good about myself for getting the help I needed to heal and to ultimately be living the life I live today, helping others do the same, showing up to life, and showing up for others and myself, no matter what kind of day I am having. Every day I correct my past by taking estimable actions in the now.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    I feel the hurt initially, and then I realize that it does not serve anyone to go into self-pity. It is important that I look at my part. Knowing that how they feel is “their stuff,” not mine, I still must look within myself for the place that is triggered by their stuff.

    Their stuff triggers mine. It may be my own lack of self-love, my low self-worth, my self-doubt, my ego and fear. Once I am aware of what they are helping me see and get for myself, I am able to take my power back from the situation and release my attachment to how they see and feel about me.

    Therefore, when people don’t like me I experience a loss of power initially, until I realize the opportunity and go within myself to reclaim my power.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I have done this a lot in my life. I have compared my body to others, my skin, my hair, my finances, my car, my clothes, my success, my career, my partner, you name it! I have compared everything at some point.

    I still catch myself doing this sometimes. What helps me let go of these comparisons is the pain I feel when I do it. It causes so much suffering, and that’s because it does not come from love; it comes from fear.

    As soon as I feel the suffering, I am aware that I am seeing life from the eyes of fear, and as soon as I know this, I can shift from fear to love. I just keep my awareness of this until I begin to feel the relief that comes when I remember the truth—that I cannot compare myself to anyone, for we have totally different paths and purposes in our lives, and therefore they will look and unfold differently.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    It doesn’t work. Feeling complete is an inside job. Others will always mirror how complete you already feel inside yourself. Focus on wholeness within yourself, and as a result, those around you will remind you of your wholeness.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Yes. I thought they would lose respect for me and no longer be able to value my presence in their lives. I thought it would give them good reason not to love me.

    What’s helped me move beyond this is courage and vulnerability, which is the choice to share what’s in my heart, regardless of the outcome. As a result, I have learned that people truly love me, scars and all—and if they don’t, it’s their stuff, not mine, that makes them feel that way.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Speak my truth
    • Eat well
    • Exercise

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    I keep working on myself so that I can give even more of my gifts. Every day I go out into the world and I share what’s in my heart, regardless of the outcome. As a friend, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a coach, a client, and a writer, this allows me to release my attachment to what others get or do not get from my service or my presence in the world.

    When I release my expectations, everyone, including me, gets exactly what we are meant to get, which is exactly what we need.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Charlie Tranchemontagne

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Charlie Tranchemontagne

    charlie-tranchemontagne

    This is second week of a month-long promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is education technician Charlie Tranchemontagne.

    His contribution for the book focuses on taking off our masks so we can be more authentic in our relationships.

    A little more about Charlie…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    My self-love journey didn’t really start until age 25; it was then I chose to start loving myself by throwing myself out of an airplane (in flight, of course)! Skydiving was my way of letting go and trusting that if I jumped, a new way of living would open up to me.

    This experience was the first time ever that I felt truly at peace with myself. A deep inner pain from past misdeeds drove me to this threshold. I had tried for years to bury my emotional discomfort by wearing many masks; weightlifter, successful businessman, and being Mr. Perfect, but was unable to keep my “true self” from surfacing.

    After skydiving, I experienced a new feeling of self-love that set me on a path of personal self-discovery. Prior to my awakening, I had been caught in a world of self-deception that I was unable to break free from. It was by truly letting go that I was set free, and a whole new world of possibilities opened up to me.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Yes, I have felt at times that maybe I am broken beyond repair. Early in my journeying, I beat myself up about mistakes I made in my past: juvenile delinquent behaviors, alcohol, and drug use.

    These types of early behaviors caused me to feel like I was a fraud as I entered into adulthood. I didn’t think I deserved to be given a second go at life. Practicing self-forgiveness helps me a lot; it is something I have to do constantly.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Being a skinny kid growing up, I thought my body was flawed. As a youth, I got lots of attention for being “cute,” even nominated “best looking” in high school, but I never felt comfortable in my skin.

    It took me years of lifting weights and trying to be someone I wasn’t to realize that there was nothing wrong with my body.

    I realized through weightlifting that it wasn’t my outer appearance that gave me true confidence; because even after I transformed myself from a skinny kid to a weightlifter, I still lacked inner confidence.

    It was only when I started doing work on the “inside” that my self-esteem and confidence grew.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    Not asking for help as a child, when at age 9, I started traveling down a destructive path of juvenile delinquency. I was raised in a good home, with good parents, but I was misled by outside influences that pulled me away from the people that truly loved me.

    I was too scared to ask for help—not enough self-esteem, self-confidence, or simply courage to overcome such big obstacles for a child.

    Unfortunately, I stayed caught in this web of lies into my early adulthood. What helped me to forgive myself was my choice to face my past and want to move beyond it. Regardless of the work that I have put into forgiving myself, my path to self-discovery is ongoing. I still consider myself a work in progress!

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …don’t take it personally. I remind myself that if I am staying true to who I am, then I cannot control what others might think about me. I guess I have to be somewhat selfish, but in a healthy way.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    Body image; I’ve learned to focus on myself and love what I got. Success, the American Dream; I’ve decided to stop buying into it and simplify my life.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    It’s not true. Jerry Maguire’s famous line, “You complete me,” is Hollywood at it’s best! I would tell my younger self that before you can love another you must be able to love yourself and that love goes beyond looks and emotions.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Absolutely! After more than twenty years traveling the road of self-discovery, I wrote a post for Tiny Buddha about removing masks (which is featured in this book). For me, writing this post was my way of stepping outside of my comfort zone and sharing myself with others in a way that quite honestly scared

    I have been wanting to reach out to others for sometime, and thought that by sharing my writing, I may be able to help one person move further along their road to self-discovery.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Quiet time in the morning
    • Exercise and activity
    • Simplifying my life (holding on loosely) and carrying a light load

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Connect with people of all ages. I work with children in an elementary school. My role is to support students who are struggling at school by mentoring them and helping them to stay connected to the school, despite the hardships they may be facing.

    Working with youth in a positive way is very meaningful for me because this is the age when I went astray. My hope would be that I could help kids to avoid the pitfalls that I fell into as a youth.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Amyra Mah

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Amyra Mah

    amyra-mah

    It’s day four in the pre-order promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Amyra Mah of unusualwisdom.com. Having formerly struggled with depression, addiction, and body image issues, she now works as a spiritual coach, addiction therapist, intuitive counselor, writer, and blogger.

    Her contribution for the book focuses on feeling our feelings instead of running away from them (and ourselves).

    A little more about Amyra…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey. 

    Loving myself was a perplexing concept, since I had spent most of my life believing that I was unworthy of anyone loving me. I saw myself as “damaged goods” and spent many years abusing myself through self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.

    When I first came across the idea of self-love, I really struggled to understand where this love was to come from. My entire journey of healing and spiritual growth has been about finding this source of love within myself.

    Through trials and tribulations, as well as unexpected miracles, I met different aspects of myself and discovered, bit by bit, my worthiness.

    Years ago, I reached a point where I wasn’t driven so intensely to sabotage myself anymore. Today, I’m still finding new aspects of myself in my ongoing journey of coming home to wholeness.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    I remember as a child being very creative and expressive. I saw colors, energies, felt connected to nature, had an expanded understanding of life. At some point, I received the message that it was not okay to be myself, and I started to judge all that I was to be bad.

    One of the processes that really helped me in my recovery from depression and addictions is reconnecting to those qualities. In reclaiming them as part of my innate self, I learned to stop rejecting myself.

    I realized that in denying my natural traits, I had become someone I was not; that misalignment with my natural self had translated into feeling there was something wrong with me.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    When I was a teenager suffering from depression, I felt trapped in a world I couldn’t escape from. So I escaped into my mind, where I pretty much lived for the rest of my childhood. I developed an introspective, deep-thinking ability as I sought alternative ways to perceive the world.

    I had a knowing that somehow we are limiting ourselves as people and that what we see isn’t the full picture. In other words, there must be more to life than what we’re putting up with.

    Mentally, I became very creative in exploring the philosophy of life, challenging what most people have accepted as the truth. It became my default throughout most of my adult life, as well.

    Since it was borne out of the bleakness of my depression, I associated this tendency with being dark, depressing, and too intense. I saw it as a flaw that needed to be eradicated.

    It wasn’t until I started being a writer and a therapist that I realized how much people appreciate that about me. It gave me the ability to write good material and create many innovative processes that have allowed me to help many people.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    In earlier years, I was so afraid of people getting close to me that I hurt a lot of people who cared about me. I remember a few of my colleagues organized a small party for me after I had resigned and was about to relocate to another country.

    I was so entrenched in my feelings of inadequacy that I couldn’t bring myself to go out and be around people. So I didn’t show up; I didn’t even tell them that I wasn’t coming.

    I felt so guilty that I couldn’t bear to talk to them again. Several years later, I was told that my friends were very hurt and disappointed. They’d even bought a cake for me.

    For a long time after that, I couldn’t get the image of my friends sitting around a cake waiting for me out of my mind. In time, I allowed myself to feel the full remorse of my actions, and heal myself from the guilt of this and many other events.

    I realized that in those days, I simply did not have the resources to act otherwise because I was crippled by pain. Learning to accept this fact helped me to forgive myself.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …no longer get angry. I used to feel so much rage in me whenever I perceived people to judge me and I would act out harshly toward them. But it only intensified my self-hatred and I ended up beating myself up over and over.

    I’ve learned to be calmer about what people think about me. I try to see everything from a spiritual perspective these days, which helps me to recognize the spirit in everyone, no matter how we’re operating in the physical world.

    Whenever I find myself reacting internally to others, I know it points to somewhere in me that needs more healing. So I use that as a “gateway” for more healing and transformation.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I used to envy others who appeared to be relaxed, light-hearted, and free in expressing themselves in social situations, whereas I would battle constantly with self-berating thoughts, even as I put on a performance outwardly.

    The conflict between the anguish I felt inside and how I wanted to be made me perceive other people superficially.

    As I learned to accept myself, I began to relate to people on a deeper level and saw that everyone comes with their own pains and struggles. I learned to appreciate them for their “flaws” as much as their strengths, which in turn helped me to accept myself more.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    Looking to other people to complete you is dangerous. If you rely on others to validate you and make you feel good about yourself, the wounds in you are still there.

    They are begging to be healed and your soul will bring you opportunities to return to more wholeness. So if you’ve been covering up your inadequacy with external validations, you’ll come to a point where you’re stripped of the false, quick-fix cover-ups.

    It could come in the form of people abandoning, deceiving, or betraying you, which are ultimately a loving gift from your soul, but you can avoid ending up in that soul-directed “last resort” by addressing and healing your deep inadequacy before such painful events become necessary.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    In my mind, I was flawed, and didn’t fit in. It was a lonely place to be in. I wanted to fit in, yet didn’t want to fit in. It made me awkward, being pulled by two opposing forces.

    I didn’t know how to be in this world. I didn’t even know who the “real me” was.  Nothing felt authentic about me, so I covered up my insecurity with an image of perfection, decked up with materialism.

    For some time, I tried to convince myself that I was happy and secure living this way. But there was a strong drive in me to break out of this false self I had constructed.

    Within a relatively short period of time, I managed to deconstruct this life, and I began a journey of discovering who I really was. But what was underneath the façade was all the pain I’d been trying to cover up.

    So my “real self” then was really just a person in a lot of pain. It was challenging for me to show my vulnerability: that I am far from perfect, that I haven’t figured it all out yet, that I am still wounded and capable of behaving in stupid ways.

    I am still learning, and ironically, it is through this process that I’ve been able to connect with my true beauty and worth.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Taking time out, no matter how busy I am, to sit in silence, meditate, still my mind, connect with my emotions, bring in positive energies.
    • Getting together with friends.
    • Physical exercises.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    I am constantly looking for new, creative ways to help people transform their experience in life and grow spiritually.

    My passion to help liberate people from their suffering has come out of my own struggles. Thus, it’s usually easy for me to respond with compassion and empathy whenever I see people in need of some guidance. Being in a position to make a difference in someone else’s life is both humbling and moving for me.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: An Bourmanne

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: An Bourmanne

    an-bourmanne

    It’s day three in the pre-order promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is An Bourmanne of ownyourlifecoaching.com. Born in Belgium, she now lives in Brussels where she works as a consultant-coach in a financial services company and mentors people pleasing perfectionists so they can do their thing, unapologetically.

    Her contribution for the book explores how we often get stuck by stressing about everything we think we should be doing—and what we can do to both relieve that pressure and live up to our potential.

    A little more about An…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    Well, if I would describe the me I was about 15 years ago, I’d describe her as a chameleon, always adapting and blending in, striving for perfection and working hard to be a good girl, living the life she was supposed to live, doing the things she was supposed to do, forgetting what she wanted and needed, evaluating herself through the eyes of others, analyzing their every move for signs of approval or—oh, drama!—disapproval.

    And the interesting thing is, I didn’t realize that I was being a chameleon.

    It was only when lightning struck (as in being seriously ill), that I started to question the way I lived my life.

    And no, I didn’t turn my life upside down—on the outside, very little changed in those first few years, but on the inside, things started shifting.

    I read every self-development book I could get my hands on (after I managed to overcome my Everest-high resistance against anything that even remotely looked like self-help). I absorbed blogs.  And most of all, I started seeing things from a fresh perspective—an empowering, nurturing one instead of that exhausting people-pleasing-perfection-driven one.

    I allowed myself to do things that fascinated me (even though my mind screamed “silly!”). I allowed myself to do things that made me lose track of time (even though my mind screamed “waste of time!”). I allowed myself to do new things, make mistakes, and fail.  I allowed myself to not being liked by everyone. I allowed myself not getting approval from everyone.

    And gradually, things started shifting in my outside world too. I took photography classes, I reconnected with my long-lost love for writing, I took loads of personal development classes, I started mentoring and teaching.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Oh my! I sure have! That’s what that sneaky voice of people-pleasing perfection tends to do with us—finding flaws everywhere.

    Don’t like the books they like? You are such a failure. Haven’t been to that hip restaurant yet? What’s wrong with you? Haven’t got those bigger-than-life stories to tell? You are so boring and ah, well, let’s just face it—there is something wrong with you.

    What changed my perception were the self-loving, compassionate, empowering perspectives I read in books and blogs.

    It was embracing some harsh, yet undeniable truths—you will fail, not everyone will like you, you will be judged.

    It was questioning my crappy thoughts—seeing how they were (most of the time) not true and (all of the time) not helpful. It was taking lots of teeny tiny actions that brought clarity, confidence, and the quiet trust that I got what it takes to do my thing.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Ah, reconnecting with my writing has been a real struggle. I believed I was no good and that writing was just a waste of time and not something worthy and valuable. But I allowed myself to start playing with it nonetheless.

    The beginning of my writing journey looked a lot like a game of “attract and repel”! I’d start writing a thousand times, I’d stop a thousand times, only to be pulled toward the writing again so much that I’d pick it up time and again.

    And gradually, I started uncovering my voice (if you’d have asked me upfront, I never ever would have thought I’d be writing poem-styled perfection busters—that is the magic of allowing yourself play!) and owning that I am a writer. And that feels so good.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    Did you know I am an engineer? No? Well, I am, even though engineering is not my thing.  Yet, engineering felt like logical thing to do. I was good at math (and you need a lot of that!), got good grades, and sailed smoothly through the one week of entry exams. So what’s a girl gotta do? Right!

    Am I angry with myself or anyone else for having done these five year-long intense studies only to find out it was not my thing? No, I am not.

    Do I forgive myself for making that choice so many years ago? Well, the funny thing is that I don’t tend to argue with the past, but rather focus on creating what lies ahead of me.

    And so I actually don’t feel any need to forgive as I feel there’s nothing that needs to be forgiven. It was part of my journey and I fully accept and honor that. And there’s so much I gained—a bunch of good friends, loads of skills, and a ton of maturity and persistence.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …accept that they don’t.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    Oooh, I used to be in comparing mode quite often, even though I didn’t realize it back then.  I was always looking at others, and, most importantly, falling short in comparison. Not fast enough, not good enough, not creative enough, not funny enough, not serious enough…

    It was when I started to see how draining and exhausting and unfulfilling it was to live in constant comparing mode that I promised myself to start doing my thing, at my pace, with my voice and my style.

    Does that mean that I don’t look at others, ever? Sure I do. But instead of using their achievements and unique style as a reason to bring myself down, I use it to get inspired, to ignite fresh ideas, to learn from their stories and wisdom.

    Instead of seeing them as a measure of my worth, I started to see them as an example of what is possible. And that is much more fun and helpful!

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    Looking at other people to complete you just depletes you and makes you less of you. You are complete and you don’t need anybody else to complete you, nor can you complete anybody else.

    Let more of your unique you out, so others can genuinely love you for you.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Sure! I was afraid that they might not like what they saw, that they would walk away and that I would end up alone.

    But the irony is that I when I don’t show my real self, but some manufactured version of myself, I still feel alone, even though I’m surrounded by other people. I just find myself working hard to get a conversation going on some topic that doesn’t really interest me, and I don’t feel that genuine sense of connection and belonging.

    Now the amazing thing is that when I talk about something that genuinely interests me, and they get me, that is where the magic of genuine connection happens.

    And yes, as I started sharing more of me, some people disappeared from my life or connections just faded out, because all of a sudden it showed that they were never the nurturing connections I pretended and hoped they were.

    But there are also old connections that have gotten deeper and better, because we now really see each other. And there are new ones that feel like “home.”

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Writing (I just love it!)
    • Resting (I often need to remind myself! though)
    • Hiking (I love soaking up the fresh air and the beauty of nature!)
    • And – sneaking in a 4th one 🙂 – taking pictures (I love Instagram!) 

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Writing my weekly poetry-style blog posts. Sharing nurturing, self-loving, and empowering perspectives to inspire brilliant women (that forgot how brilliant they are) to do their thing in the world (because they are so much more than they give themselves credit for!).

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Alison Hummel

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Alison Hummel

    alison-hummel

    Today marks day two of the pre-order promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of the book’s contributors through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Alison Hummel of the thedreamadventure.com. Formerly an alcoholic who felt like an outsider looking in, Alison now works offers “Dream Catchers Sessions” to help people live their own “Dream Adventures.”

    Her contribution for the book focuses on accepting ourselves and finding gifts in our struggles.

    A little more about Alison…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I have come a very long way, but I’m definitely still on my way.

    One of the ways I have learned to accept and love myself is through being in service to others. When I see another person struggling with a similar problem—low self-esteem, anger, anxiety, or some other form of negativity—I find it easier to love them through it than I would if I were just trying to love myself through the same thing.

    By developing compassion for others, I have learned to apply that to myself.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Yes, absolutely. I believe that is one of my greatest lessons to learn: I am completely fine just the way I am. I think this feeling that there is something wrong with me stemmed from looking outside of myself for validation and acceptance.

    When I look to others to validate and accept me and I see other people with different, perhaps better “stuff” or a better body or job, I subconsciously believe I need to have that in order to feel loved.

    Acknowledging that this is happening helps me defuse it.

    Also, being in nature has been a great tool to accept myself because in nature there is beauty in all things, not just the perfect flower or tree, or perfect sunny day. The best trees for climbing don’t stand straight up and the coziest days happen when it rains.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Probably my ability to speak up for myself and others. At times I fear that I am saying “too much” by speaking up, but I know that other people appreciate it because they have thanked me for my honesty and energy. They have said that it gave them the courage to speak up for themselves, too.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    My biggest mistake was definitely hurting the people I love the most throughout my active addiction to alcohol. I am still working through completely forgiving myself. I have heard people say that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. And I can really agree with that.

    I have begun to forgive myself by being there for my family now. By staying sober. By accepting other people’s flaws. By talking to myself in a kinder way about my past.

    If I have a memory of something that brings up shame, instead of running away from it through shopping, eating junk, or lashing out at someone else, I do my best to just sit with the uncomfortable emotion and practice present moment awareness.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    Must be getting better at being myself, because we are all unique and some people might not like me. I can’t please everyone.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    Oh goodness—every area of my life. I have actually been able to let go of those comparisons through actively trying to be someone I am not. That is very painful. And through that pain, I have had to look for other answers. Being myself is the only show in town these days.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    You will learn your greatest lessons through experience, so if you need to look outside of yourself for completion, do it with complete fervor. This way, you will always have your own experiences to draw upon to make better choices in the future.

    I’ve seen a lot of people flounder in just crummy situations because they were trying to make their life decisions through other people’s mistakes. It’s okay to make your own mistakes.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Yes, absolutely. I talk about this in my article in the book. The therapy I had for my OCD helped me deal with anxiety and general discomfort. In reality, I don’t fear what others think of me; I fear being uncomfortable. Because that is really the worst that could happen. Learning tools to deal with feeling uncomfortable has helped me the most.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Stay connected to my sober brothers and sisters.
    • Meditate.
    • Work out.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    I would have to say staying sober. I don’t necessarily feel “proud,” because I believe sobriety is truly a gift, but I will say without it, I would have nothing. My family is so important to me. With it, I can accomplish anything I set my mind on.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself (and the Self-Love Bonus Pack)

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself (and the Self-Love Bonus Pack)

    Tiny Buddhas Guide Cover 3D

    10/9/13: The pre-order promotion is now over. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here!

    Two years ago I surveyed the Tiny Buddha community to crowdsource wisdom for my second book, which was going to break apart the idea of success.

    Around the same time, I experienced a series of life-altering events, including a major surgery, financial hardship, a break-in, and the death of my grandmother.

    Within the following months, I dramatically decreased the amount of time I devoted to blogging. After almost three years of regularly sharing my feelings, I wanted space to explore my conflicting emotions without having to put them into words.

    Despite having chosen to do this, I felt immense guilt in seemingly “abandoning” the community. I also felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

    After not only announcing my book but also soliciting insight from others, I realized I wasn’t in the right headspace to work on the project. Even though I knew I’d had a tough few months, this inability to deliver deeply distressed the perfectionist in me.

    I planned to work on this later in the year, but when the time came I wanted to work on something different—a book that felt more personally relevant in light of my recent challenges, and extended naturally from the philosophy of this site.

    I wanted to create a collaborative book about self-love, for a few reasons.

    For one thing, it’s something that many of us struggle with, which makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully love others and life.

    Secondly, my former lack of self-love was the foundation of all my greatest struggles. I once thought my life was a mess because I struggled with depression and an eating disorder, and didn’t have purpose, money, or a relationship, but at the heart of all those troubles was my unwavering self-loathing.

    Lastly, it tied into an unexpected consequence of making, what seemed like, a massive public mistake: announcing a plan and then not following through reinforced that I need my empathy the most when I feel most resistant to giving it.

    It also reminded that sometimes mistakes are opportunities to do something good—and I believe I have with this book.

    Including 40 blog posts from tinybuddha.com, Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself offers more than just advice; it offers in a window into our shared human experience, and universal lessons we can all apply to feel happier with ourselves and our lives.

    These posts have reminded more than 1.5 million monthly readers that we are never alone, and we don’t have to live life controlled by our inner critic. They touch upon ideas that will help you:

      • Release shame about your past and the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
      • See yourself as beautiful and valuable, with all your flaws and weaknesses
      • Accept yourself more and judge yourself less
      • Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself
      • Minimize the need for approval to feel more confident
      • Let go of the comparisons that keep you feeling inferior
      • Feel complete so that you no longer look to others to fill a void within yourself
      • Find the courage to share your authentic self for deeper connections with others
      • Learn to take care of yourself instead of putting everyone else’s needs first
      • Believe that you’re valuable so you can start creating a life you love

    The stories are categorized into 10 chapters, connected to each of these themes.

    At the end of each chapter you’ll find four tips—one from each of the four posts in that section. They’re ideas you can turn to whenever you need help changing your thoughts, and consequently, your feelings and experience of the world.

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself launches on October 8th. Over the next month, I’m going to run a pre-order promotion that will involve daily self-love interviews with some of the book’s contributors.

    During the month of September, anyone who pre-orders the book will receive instant access to the “Self-Love Bonus Pack,” which includes 8 digital resources, valued at more than $150.

    Those items include:

      • From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care into a Way of Life, by Hannah Braime
      • Flowing Through the Void: Creating Miracles Out of Struggles by Activating Presence, Power, and Passion, by Amyra Mah
      • Complete Confidence eCourse, by Emma Brooke
      • An Awakened Life: A Journey of Transformation, by Julie Hoyle
      • Create a Brilliant Vision for Your Life and Business, by Margie Beiswanger
      • 5 Days of Self-Compassion, by Joanna Weston
      • Be You, Unapologetically by An Bourmanne
      • Tiny Wisdom: On Self-Love, by Lori Deschene (me)

    You can pre-order a copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

    Please note that you will not receive your copy of the book in the mail until October. You will, however, will receive instant access to the bonus items once you forward your sales confirmation email to the address listed on the sales page.

    Thank you to everyone who’s involved with this book—which is all of you. You make this community what it is. You make a difference, and you’re appreciated.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Alesha Chilton

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Alesha Chilton

    alesha-chilton

    Today is an exciting day here at Tiny Buddha! It’s the pre-order launch day for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors.

    Throughout the September, I plan to publish 21 “self-love profiles,” introducing you to some of the book’s contributors.

    I’m excited to start with an interview with Tiny Buddha member Alesha Chilton, a mother and MBA graduate whose contribution for the book focuses on believing that we’re good enough.

    A little more about Alesha…

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    It has taken a while to dig down deep and love myself just as I am. And it didn’t happen magically, miraculously, or suddenly. It happened a little at a time, slower than a snail it seemed, over the course of many years.

    I battled bulimia, bullying, and self-belittling. My eyes are still being opened every day—and that’s the joy of life. We get to have revelations and light bulb moments in the midst of enshrouding darkness, just when we have almost given up hope.

    Through the bad and good, realize that this too shall pass.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Of course I have felt—and sometimes still feel—like there is something wrong with me. Being a perfectionist doesn’t lend or cut you any slack. However, I’ve learned to lower my expectations about my body, my time, and my abilities.

    So what if I don’t look like a supermodel in a bikini? What’s important is that I am healthy, which I am. And I’m not supermom by any means, but my child is happy and healthy. That’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    I used to think that being short was a flaw because I couldn’t reach the dishes on the top shelf or play the hitter position in volleyball. But I practiced a lot and did a lot of conditioning, becoming the fastest player. Soon my coaches appreciated my hard work ethic and my quickness, and so did I.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    My biggest mistake was getting into and being involved in an abusive relationship. I felt so ashamed, hurt, confused, and guilty.

    I forgave myself in many different ways as I learned more about why people get into abusive relationships. I realized that I was young and insecure. I thought that I could “fix” or change him if I was loving and caring enough. I didn’t know what red flags to look for when dating. I didn’t truly believe that I could find a “soul mate.”

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …do some self reflection to see if the problem lies in my attitude, tone, words, or actions. Sometimes other people can shed light on our not so attractive qualities, and thus help us become a better person.

    I try to be understanding and compassionate with others, even though I fail sometimes. I don’t let someone not liking me ruin my day. Often the problem lies within themselves.

    Whenever I’m annoyed or don’t like someone, I try to do some self-reflection as to why. Once you understand why you dislike someone, you can learn and grow into a better, less judgmental person.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I’ve compared myself to the strong, independent woman traveling around the world. I’ve compared myself to the mom with perfect abs, who still finds time to make organic meals. And I’ve compared myself to the summa cum laude Harvard lawyer graduate earning six figures.

    I’ve learned to let go and not compare myself to these people in varying ways. They are on a different journey than I am. That doesn’t make my journey less valuable, less successful, or less meaningful.

    I judge my success on happiness and being able to provide the basics for my family. Recently, I have become enlightened enough to take more risks. Taking risks is scary, but taking healthy risks—like applying for jobs and calling potential employers—is good for the soul.

    If we doubt our capabilities, we doubt ourselves. Although you may encounter many failures, you can also encounter great success! Idleness will keep you on the same boring road.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    I would tell myself that it’s nice to have someone by your side, but it’s more important to learn to be happy on your own. You have to be with yourself every single day. There is no escaping yourself.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    I was bullied for being “weird” when I was younger and I let that define me. I was afraid of revealing my whole true self for fear of rejection. But I’ve learned that the world has a place for everyone and that people appreciate confidence, even if you are a little strange compared to others. You just have to accept yourself first. There are lots of people like you, but it’s up to you to see the similarities, not only the differences.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    I need sleep, intellectual stimulation, and reflection.

    Getting a good night’s sleep allows for clearer thinking and deeper reflection. I need intellectual stimulation so that my mind doesn’t focus on trivial worries and negative things. I need reflection in order to become a more mentally stable and happy individual.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Lately I have been making and putting anonymous love letters in random public places (see www.moreloveletters.com). It helps me feel good knowing that my letter can help inspire someone, give them hope in humanity, and help them have a better day.

    The smallest differences are sometimes the biggest in the end. I try to smile and be friendly with people, even if I’m feeling grouchy myself. People need to know that others care about and appreciate them.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    After a few years of living through the betrayal and anger of my divorce, my friends decided it was time for me to start dating again.

    They took me out to the bars, dressed me up, bought me drinks, and showed all the men how cute I was.

    I didn’t feel cute. I felt like a fraud.

    The bar scene was not for me. I felt like a piece of meat wrapped in cellophane on the shelf waiting for a man to decide which one he’d like to eat.

    I dressed up in my newly skinny body and looked the part of the fun loving girl, but inside all I felt was desperation.

    I put on makeup so men would think I was pretty.

    I exercised so my body would look good for others to gaze at.

    I smiled and giggled so men would think I was fun and funny.

    I didn’t feel fun, funny, pretty, or like I wanted to be looked at. I felt scared.

    I kept grasping at a portrait of who I wanted everyone to think I was. I so wanted to be this picture perfect representation that I thought men wanted. I wanted a man to like me so I could feel loved and validated.

    I finally realized my imaginary self-portrait was who others wanted, not who I wanted to be now. I was not being true to my new self.

    So I trashed the portrait, went home, and got my act together.

    I wanted to find love again but not like this. Not by picking up someone in a bar who was looking for love in all the wrong places, just like I was doing. I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else could do it for me.

    I wanted to find love by knowing who I was. Then I could find someone who complemented me. So I stopped going out and started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I deserved in a man.

    What I did learn from speaking to men in bars is that real men want real women. I decided to learn how to be real. Learning how to be real would require some investigative research on my part. I had lost myself in my marriage. It was time to find me.

    I decided to step out of my proverbial box. I had to try new things and figure out what activities I liked, and which ones I needed to stay away from.

    I traveled to developing countries. I had my palm read and visited a mind reader. I went kayaking, took up road biking, hiked on volcanoes, rode zip lines through the rain forest, joined book clubs, learned to meditate, I found out what tai chi was.

    I started to visit international restaurants. I went to museums and hung out in coffee shops. I got my yoga teacher certification and started to teach. I tried things I had always wanted to do but never could while I was married.

    I had fun. I learned that I favored Thai food over Italian food. I learned that I can ride thirty-five miles on a bike and love it. I learned things about me I never knew.

    I stopped wearing most of the makeup I had worn thinking it made me look good so men would like me. Instead, I decided to look good for myself.

    I stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am beautiful, even though I didn’t believe it. The more I told myself I was beautiful, the more I began to feel good about myself. 

    I wanted my beauty to be defined by my self-confidence, which began to return when I started to truly believe in what I began to represent.

    I started to dress the way I wanted to felt, not the way I wanted to be looked at. I wanted free flowing clothes that I could move in. I wanted to be able to feel my body, not the clothes pinching me.

    I started to exercise because it made me feel good, not so I would look good. I accomplished both by doing what I wanted for me, not for them. I found exercise that I loved to do. I increased my yoga practice and kept on walking. I took up rowing and increased my biking.

    I stopped going to bars to meet men. Instead, I went to the occasional bar to hang out with friends and to be social.

    I stopped looking at men as the answer to my problems and started looking at myself to solve them.

    I realized I needed to know what my interests were if I wanted to attract a man who shared them.

    When I learned what I liked, I became happier than I had ever been before. I learned to be true to myself, not someone else.

    I realized that I had been incomplete without the self-knowledge required to define my own boundaries, my likes, and my dislikes. Without knowing what my boundaries were, I could never attract a person into my life that could live within them. I had never known how to define and stand up for my own beliefs.

    When I felt confident with my new self, I joined a dating site. I was far more aware of the kind of person I wanted to attract because I knew who I was.

    Writing my profile specifically for what I wanted and how I wanted a man to treat me was far better than telling someone to take me on a romantic date, when I couldn’t define what I thought a romantic date was.

    So get on with it. What are you waiting for? Get out there and experience life. Find out who and what you are. Live life by yourself. Be happy by yourself. It’s your life; make it what you want. Don’t look for someone else to do it for you, because they can’t. Only you can know who you really are.

  • Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Most of us are so busy waiting for someone to love us that we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first—ourselves.

    Ironically, it was when my ten-year marriage fizzled that I began the innermost process of self-discovery about love.

    While discouraged and saddened at the crumbling of our relationship, I began to explore love more. How had it fizzled? Why had we stopped loving each other, and what had happened to our love?

    The People Who Were to Have Loved Us

    I grew up in a rather patriarchal culture and family, which had trouble expressing or showing love.

    In fact, they showed love in unusual and unhealthy of ways. My mother used harsh language, put-downs, and comparisons to others to berate, embarrass, and ridicule me about my personal habits, lack of achievement in school, and potential career choices.

    My dad showed love in the form of his belt, which lashed against my body throughout my childhood. I remember horrific lashes, which left marks around my legs, buttocks, and back. If I were lucky, the lashes were made by the softer leathery-parts of the belt. If I wasn’t, it was the buckle, which did the scarring.

    The violent strikes resulted from disobedience, for challenging my parents’ authority, and mediocre grades.

    My adolescent years were filled with memories of some of these physical scars, which have disappeared, but also emotional scars, which continued to linger.

    My ex-wife’s parents similarly showed love in unhealthy ways: ignoring her feelings, constantly criticizing and comparing her to others, and not expressing their love for her.

    What I’ve realized since our divorce was that we were two damaged people who had trouble loving ourselves, let alone each other. When the love you’ve known has been physically harmful, emotionally painful, and psychology scarring, how do you love another person?

    With this realization, I’ve had to find ways to love myself first.

    You too may have been unloved or shown love in unhealthy ways in your life. Here are some tips on loving yourself first before searching for love in your life.

    1. Be kind to yourself.

    You may have hurts, emotional pain, and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself, shortcomings and all, even if your family and previous partners may have berated you about your inadequacies.

    We tend to be harsh on ourselves, often because the people who were supposed to love us were unusually cruel and heartless to us. We hear their non-stop chatter in our minds and our beings.

    Focus on your many positive qualities. Focus on your strengths, your abilities, and your admirable traits. Let go of harsh judgments, comparisons to others, and self-hatred.

    When you can see yourself as the soulful and divinely inspired person you are, the damaging internal dialogue doesn’t hold up.

    Be gentle with yourself.

    2. Feel the love within you and be that love.

    You may experience both self-hatred and self-love. Spend more time focusing on self-love.

    Try loving and positive affirmations. Nourish your soul through a love-kindness meditation or spiritual practices that help you feel compassion and love toward yourself.

    Once you feel vibrations of self-love or the peace of positive affirmations, try to be in that place of love throughout your day.

    Infuse this love with your interactions with others in your life.

    3. Give yourself a break.

    You’re not perfect. No one is. You don’t have to be at the top of your game every day. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one lives without pain.

    Be willing to embrace your imperfections and excuse your bad days. Don’t set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. It’s normal to feel sadness and pain and to hit some low points in life.

    Allow yourself to embrace these emotions without judging yourself for them.

    4. Embrace yourself.

    Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear, and judgment?

    You may have to go within and seek solace in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. Practice moments of alone time and be aware of how you treat yourself.

    Learn to embrace solitude and allow yourself to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself.

    The process of self-discovery can happen through the process of clinical therapy or counseling. This healing process can help you discover who you are and what your obstacles to loving yourself are.

    In the alternative, periods of introspection, silent meditations, journaling, and sharing your feelings with supportive friends may help you be more aware of who you are.

    The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature.

    It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing, and silence to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn’t loving myself could I attempt to change that.

    5. Be grateful.

    Rhonda Byrne, author of The Magic, shares with us a powerful way to change all of our relationships and our life.

    Byrne encourages us to practice gratefulness and regularly count our blessings.

    “When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase,” Byrne says.

    She includes twenty-eight practices for twenty-eight days of your life to help you feel gratitude more deeply. Her initial practice is a formula to count your blessings.

    She encourages you to write out the following sentence for ten items you’re grateful for everyday.

    “I am truly blessed to have _____________, because _____________(why?).”

    You will immediately start loving yourself more when you realize all the things you’re grateful for in your life.

    6. Give yourself in service to others.

    When you think about kindness toward others and being love to others, you open the door to divine love.

    “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” ~Rabindranath Tagore

    Yes, giving to others is a gift of love you can often give yourself which brings you more love.

    When you’re being kind, considerate, compassionate, and giving of yourself, your soul will rejoice. You’ve reached the highest level of self-love in this state of serving others.

    Find ways to do small and large tasks to assist those living in your house, neighborhood, or community. Practice conscious acts of kindness and giving.

    The love you’re sharing with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life.

    You’ll realize you don’t need someone else to feel complete any longer. You’re complete.

    A relationship will only make you shine brighter and bring more love in your life.

  • Motivate Yourself Without Pushing Yourself: Tips for Self-Compassion

    Motivate Yourself Without Pushing Yourself: Tips for Self-Compassion

    Happy

    “Our sorrows and wounds are only healed when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha

    I have always struggled with self-compassion. In fact, I’m not even sure I have been aware of it all that much throughout my life.

    I’ve always thought the only way to truly grow was to push myself, both physically and mentally, so without even realizing it, I set myself up for that.

    I would not study for my university exams until the night before. I would take it easy and not make enough money until it got to the stage that I had to almost create a miracle to pay my next credit card bill. I would push my partner until our relationship was at a breaking point so I could then save it.

    It was almost like I wanted to prove to myself that I was a hero in someway. As I reflect back now, it was so strange what I was doing, but the truth was I was not even aware I was doing it.

    Over the past few years I could see my patterns more and more. It shocked me that I would be that unconscious of my motivations.

    But as I dived into it, I could see that I actually had a fear that I’d somehow be less if I took that pressure off myself. It was the pressure that was keeping me motivated and more importantly keeping me growing.

    I wondered if I had to continue like that. What would happen if I let it go? Would I stop being as great as I could be?

    Then I became aware of self-compassion. It was a foreign concept to me, and one I remember fighting against for some time. My ego did not want to just give in that easy!

    At first I felt that I would become more self centered, and that was big no-no—after all, aren’t we all here to serve others, not ourselves?

    But then I started see what my lack of self-compassion was really doing to me. It was, in fact, the very thing that was isolating me from the world and making me self-centered.

    I was so caught up in my own struggles and issues that I had begun to feel that I was the only one on the planet going through what I was.

    I had forgotten that all my friends were feeling the same way as me; they too were struggling in life, and I had not seen it. My issues were not greater than everyone else’s, after all.

    As I saw this more clearly I felt myself soften to compassion for myself, and those around me. I started to “feel” compassion for the first time.

    I recall pondering one day, how I would feel in a relationship if I treated my partner or child in the same way I had been treating myself? Would I really be that motivated to keep going each day?

    The never-ending berating and judgments, constantly trying to fix, change, or improve myself, never being enough. How motivated can you stay under such conditions?

    I would have never expected anyone to respond positively to this, but yet I expected myself to. Something was very wrong with my perception of myself.

    It was at that moment that my belief structure started to collapse on itself, and I realized that I did not have to be that hard on myself for motivation. I could actually be kind and it would have an even greater effect.

    Bit by bit, I felt self-acceptance, and a love came over me like waves, like it had been wanting to come through for so many years, but I had blocked it.

    All I had been looking for was sweeping over me in one giant gush. It felt amazing and it felt true. I knew that I’m okay the way I am.

    I suddenly felt a common bond with humanity again. Like we are all perfect in our imperfect way, and that is actually what it’s meant to be like.

    I realized that I do not have to get everything right everytime. I do not have to be changed or improved; I just need to accept who I am right now.

    The pain and sorrow I had been feeling my whole life rose up, and I could clearly see what I had done to myself for decades. I was sorry for this, so very sorry.

    I broke down and cried and cried. I had been so mean to myself. The pain and struggles of the last few decades came pouring out of me like the dam gates had been opened.

    I felt relief for the first time. I could not do this any longer; there was simply no need. I had done nothing wrong by just being me.

    This was one of the most significant moments in my life—the acceptance of myself through self-compassion.

    My tips to create more self-compassion include:

    1. Be aware if you are being hard on yourself and recognize where this shows up for you.

    It can be subtle. Look at all life areas, including your health, finances, and relationships, at work and in your family.

    2. Challenge your beliefs and fears. 

    Do you have a belief that if you are gentle with yourself you will somehow not be motivated enough or not all you can be? Recognize that this doesn’t have to be true. Also, notice if you feel that being compassionate toward yourself will lead you to feel self-indulgent or selfish.

    3. Treat yourself kindly, without judgment.

    Picture your best friend and how you treat them. Now apply this same love and kindness to yourself. You should be your own best friend after all!

    4. Be mindful of when you slip out of compassion and start to treat yourself harshly again.

    Forgive yourself and understand that you are human and this is part of the human game.

    5. Feel the pain of others around you.

    Listen to their stories and feel what it must be like to be them. This will make you automatically feel compassion and be softer on yourself as you connect with their common humanity.

    We all have issues and problems that cause us pain, but suffering through them is optional. Self-compassion provides another option.

    Photo by JFXie

  • Start Believing in Yourself: How To Adopt A Language of Love

    Start Believing in Yourself: How To Adopt A Language of Love

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown

    We are powerful, vivacious, brilliant creatures. Our thoughts and ideas create the very world around us. We constantly, and often unconsciously, exude and radiate palpable energy that permeates through every crack and crevasse of our lives.

    Our words hold especially powerful energy and the ability to uplift and inspire others and ourselves, or send us spiraling down the ladder to Bummersville. Learning to recognize our inner Negative Nancy allows us to pump up the volume on our love lingo to bring us back to a place of clarity, peace, and happiness.

    As a young woman in my early twenties, I am no stranger to the pitfalls of self-criticism. As a child of divorced parents, I grew up with the belief that I was somehow imperfect. Inadequate. Just shy of being good enough. 

    My teenage years proved to be of little consolation, as I was suddenly introduced to the world of comparisons. The desire to be as thin as, rich as, and cool as whoever was entirely consuming. I validated this belief of not being good enough with constant self-judgment.

    I clouded every move I made with the veil of criticism. No goal or achievement was ever really celebrated, just held up in comparison to someone else’s triumphs.

    Finally, after being introduced to the idea of self-love, I did an experiment in which I tried to mentally note each time I said something negative about myself in one day. Holy eye-opener. Before I even finished breakfast I had already torn myself apart with self-criticism and harsh judgment.

    I would never think to speak to someone I dislike in the way that I was thought-bashing myself.

    It’s no wonder I didn’t feel enthusiastic or passionate about anything. All of that garbage mind chatter was blocking my ability to see the reality: I am outrageously perfect. I have purpose. My life has meaning. I am an integral part of the whole.

    I still struggle from time to time to tune out my inner critic and embrace my inner cheerleader; beliefs that we hold onto for a long time as truths are never easy to let go of. But I have found that there is a distinct correlation with the words I use as a part of my regular vocabulary and the way that I feel.

    Adopting a language of love is essential in keeping me aligned with my highest self. 

    Here are my no-no’s and big YES!’s when it comes to speaking the language de amor:

    • Stop saying, “I can’t.” You can; you just haven’t done it yet or you haven’t tried.
    • Stop saying, “Always.” Actually, just stop generalizing. Nothing is black and white.
    • Stop saying, “They did, he did, she did…” It’s a subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) form of blame. Observe your current situation and ask, “What can I do now? How can I make this better?”
    • Stop saying, “I wish this or that.” Instead say, “I want this and these are the steps I am going to take to get me there.”
    • Really stop saying “I am not good enough. I am fat. I am ugly. I’ve made too many poor choices. I’ve tried before and it didn’t work out.”

    I like to imagine that I am made up of a team. I’ve got inspiration, truth, gratitude, enthusiasm, ambition, worry, deprecation, blame, and sadness. The game’s all tied up, this is the crucial moment that decides whether my team moves forward or is left behind.

    Who am I gonna put in the game? Who’s gonna be on the bench? This isn’t practice…this is life! Keep worry, deprecation, blame, and sadness off the court. They’re gonna lose the game.

    Adopting a language of love is not about positive affirmations. It’s not about trying to convince yourself that you feel something else other than what you feel, or that a situation is something other than what it is.

    It’s about consciously choosing thoughts and words with uplifting energy. It’s about embracing what is intrinsically true and inherent: You got this. 

    Whatever your situation, whatever your roadblock or mental block or financial block, you’ll figure it out. How do I know? Because we all contain inside of us the capacity to manifest our deepest desires and stay the course all the way to the end.

    Let’s adjust our thinking and speaking to reflect that, shall we?

    May love become our new modus operandi.

    Photo by aussiegal