Tiny Buddha

Tag: self love

  • If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    Happy woman smiling

    “When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    Someone once asked me if I was happy.

    The question confused me because it didn’t really seem like something I had a choice in.

    I had two parents and wonderful siblings who loved me deeply. I was smart, a good friend, and had opportunities many people throughout the world didn’t have. I never worried about being hungry or safe. What else was there?

    Unfortunately, growing up semi-privileged doesn’t prevent us from developing fears and insecurities.

    Though there was laughter and creativity in my early life, I was too busy deflecting judgments and attacks to feel okay in my own skin.

    People would tell me to smile, so I learned that something was wrong with me if I wasn’t smiling.

    Someone told me I had a big nose and hairy arms, so I discovered my body was not up to my peers’ high standards.

    I often felt misunderstood or unseen for who I really was.

    As I got older, I dated men who made me feel good about myself. They loved me, with my big nose and hairy arms. They also had just enough problems to keep me busy avoiding myself.

    Somewhere in midst of trying to show them they could be anything, I lost myself entirely.

    I didn’t actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I judged my words, my actions, and my thoughts constantly. I did the same with others. I was always trying to figure “it” out. I don’t think I even knew what “it” was back then. I do now.

    “It” was happiness. I wanted to figure out how I could stop running in place. The present moment was never enough for me.

    I was always going to be happy when I had a new roommate, my boyfriend changed, I signed up at a yoga studio, my Mom saw things my way, or I was making more money. The now, for me, was completely inadequate, and I was always reaching for some future event to make it better.

    Throughout my twenties, my life began to transform, but it was just two years ago when I hit the climax. Three things happened all at once:

    One, I fell in love with a man who showed me unconditional love; two, I became conscious of the fact that I was in relationships with people who were no longer serving me, and I left; and three, I discovered breathwork, the most powerful tool in my life.

    The first thing, unconditional love, gave me the safety to see the truth about myself.

    Because I was always in relationships with men who needed me to be there for them, I had developed a habit of hiding from my own needs. This relationship allowed me to feel safe so I could finally focus on myself with the support of someone who loved me deeply.

    The second thing, leaving unhealthy relationships, showed me I had the strength to choose what is best for me.

    There were clear signs that I was engaged with people who were manipulative and felt they knew what was better for me than I did. Walking away from relationships that I had put so much energy, trust, and love into was challenging, but ultimately liberating.

    And the third thing, finding breathwork, transformed my life in the deepest way possible. Breathwork was my tool to accept myself.

    At the time I couldn’t fathom how breathing could make any sort of significant change in my life, but this particular type of breathing was powerful. It helped me get out of my head and into my heart. It helped me see the truth about myself and life.

    Through a two-step deep breathing process in a safe and guided environment, I was able to release limiting beliefs and past traumas. Breathing deep into my belly and then into my chest, I was able to bring my awareness into my body.

    It’s a healing practice that has a life of its own and didn’t require me to do anything but breathe.

    Each time I practiced I felt myself let go a little more until I was grounded into a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me. On many occasions breathwork has helped me feel the emotions I was hiding from, see the truth about my life, and know that everything is perfect as it is.

    Because I was always in my head, I was a very analytical person, always seeing what was wrong and how I needed to fix it. When I learned to accept myself, I was finally able to relax and enjoy simply being.

    And through accepting myself I learned to love myself. Not all at once, but it happened gradually. It’s probably still happening. But the eyes I see myself through now are full of funky daisies and hand drawn roses. Way better than red pen edits and negative graffiti, let me tell you.

    I am happy.

    If you’re unsure if you’re happy I have to tell you, you’re not. Happiness, to me, is not a state. Sometimes I’m down. Sometimes I’m up. Happiness is my relationship to life.

    I am happy in my life. I am happy in my skin. I am happy with the body I have. I adore the people in my life. I am blessed. I am grateful.

    The hunt for happiness is exhausting. I was always trying—trying to be knowledgeable about one more thing, trying to do this better, trying to make my business more successful. Everything revolved around reaching.

    Now, I sit back. I smile. I can let life unfold without needing to control it. I can enjoy each moment for what it is.

    There is naivety around happiness and healing. There’s this idea that we shouldn’t get sad, that we should be able to cope with every situation perfectly, and that we are only going to go up from here. That hasn’t been my experience.

    I have days when I’m depressed. But I know my feelings are fleeting, so I can embrace them and let them be what they are.

    I have grown and learned tremendously about myself.

    I have been willing to answer the tough questions honestly.

    I have been willing to show up and see the truth of myself. That means times get hard. Sometimes I get a little lost. That’s why I have my practice. That’s why I have support.

    This is what life is. It’s up and it’s down. It’s high and it’s low. It’s happy and it’s sad. And I love it all.

    I can’t reject the bad because it’s part of life. I embrace it and accept it. I break through the stories and limiting beliefs and show myself love and compassion. And that is how I am happy.

    So, if you want to be happy do this first:
 be willing to see the truth of who you are right now.
 Release judgment and accept everything about who you are right now.
 Show compassion for the parts of yourself that are difficult to bear. Begin to show yourself love.

    Rinse and repeat.

    This life is far too precious to wait another moment to be happy.

    Happy woman smiling image via Shutterstock

  • When People Judge: Why It’s Not Really About You

    When People Judge: Why It’s Not Really About You

    “Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.” ~Nancy Lopez

    You and I, we judge others. And they judge us. We all do it. Sometimes we judge with positive or non-harming intentions.

    Unfortunately, our judgment often comes from a negative place, with darker intent.

    Why Do We Judge?

    Though we judge for many reasons, we often do it when:

    • We don’t know a person well (yet)
    • We cannot identify with a person’s belief system, values, or behavior
    • That person somehow threatens how we perceive ourselves

    I believe we judge for the first reason because our minds want to simplify the processing of information by putting environmental clues into categories. This just makes things so much easier, doesn’t it?

    For me personally, when I judge for the second and third reasons, I have especially negative emotions and thoughts toward others.

    I try hard not to judge, and have been doing so less and less, but I still have a ways to go. 

    How I’ve Judged Others

    I used to judge people, especially men, when I learned that they had been unfaithful to their girlfriends.

    As soon as I learned about the situation, I would feel resistance and anger building up inside me. I would immediately begin insulting them in my head, and sometimes would actually verbalize it if there was someone to discuss it with.

    Today, I rarely react like this. I know not to judge someone based on their actions because everyone makes mistakes, and some people prefer to behave in a way not everyone else can relate to.

    I still don’t find it appropriate or fair to cheat on someone, but I stopped letting that define the worth I assign to that person.

    I know now where that strong negative response comes from. Someone once cheated on me, and it caused me a lot of pain. As a result, I have developed a pretty rigid mindset around that topic.

    In the past, I also judged women when I felt threatened by them, especially those who I perceived to be extremely attractive.

    I compared my body to other women’s bodies because I feared I didn’t look as hot as they did, which was clearly a matter of low self-esteem. The conversation in my mind went something like this:

    “Oh, look at that girl in that red dress—her tight body and her perfect curves. And look how she moves. I’m sure she must get a lot of attention and admiration from the guys around here. She has to be really arrogant.”

    This inner chatter made it pretty apparent what was going on inside me in those moments. First, I began comparing myself to someone who I perceived to be better than me physically, then I decided I couldn’t measure up. This, of course, made me feel threatened.

    So I judged her by using a big generalization to put her down so I could feel better about myself.

    What Can We Do About It?

    I’ve noticed that my increased level of self-love has helped me judge a lot less. (You can find some helpful tips to increase your own self-love here.)

    Also, I’m more aware of it now when I judge because I feel threatened, and with awareness, I am able to step back and ask myself whether my initial judgment is true.

    I almost always have to own up to the fact that no, just because someone is attractive, that doesn’t have to mean she’s arrogant.

    I’m not saying that we all have to learn to stop judging others. Maybe it isn’t even possible to do so because of the way we’re wired as human beings.

    But what we can learn is that our judgments mostly have to do with us, not the people we judge, and the same is true when others judge us.

    In most cases, we judge others in order to feel better about ourselves, because we are lacking self-acceptance and self-love.

    If we could learn to embrace ourselves as we truly are, would we still be so judgmental toward others? Most likely not. We would no longer need a reason to put someone else down just to raise ourselves up.

    This is only one of the many reasons why self-love is so important and powerful. If we could all learn to love ourselves, we would make our world a much more compassionate and much less judgmental place.

  • Why Losing Weight Might Not Make You Happy (and What Will)

    Why Losing Weight Might Not Make You Happy (and What Will)

    Love Every Bit of Yourself

    “When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ~Kim McMillen 

    Sometimes people ask us questions that change our lives, questions that require us to dig down deep and think about what’s really important. Questions that push the envelope and show us that maybe the direction we’re going in isn’t the one we want.

    My cousin, unknowingly, asked me one of those questions over ten years ago:

    “Well, this is what you always wanted. Are you happy now?”

    I was stunned. It had been such a long time since anyone had ever asked me that. But, much more than that, I was embarrassed that she recognized that “this” is what I always wanted.

    How vain. How trite. How trivial when it came to life as a whole.

    I answered, with a feeling of shame, “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

    And then we walked back upstairs to join the rest of the dinner party.

    I later recognized that, no, I was not happy now that I had “this.” “This” was my weight. I was the smallest I’d ever been.

    I was at a healthy weight before, but it wasn’t enough for me to feel good enough.

    I despised my thick thighs, longed for a leaner tummy, and wished my back fat would just disappear already.

    And now here I was, where I thought I wanted to be, and I couldn’t be more miserable.

    I was shocked. How could this be?

    I’d envisioned feeling so much differently at this weight. Happy. Healthy. Vibrant.

    I’d have a new kick to my step, be the life of the party, and radiate happiness.

    Instead, I was lethargic, grumpy, constipated, and a sense of sadness kept me from ever feeling like me. And trust me, when you can’t feel like your true you, it’s impossible to reflect bounds of happiness and joy. 

    When I realized that I was now “here” and more miserable than ever, it was a turning point. Don’t get me wrong, it was a long slow turn I was going to need to make, but I knew it would be a game-changing one.

    Part of making that turn was recognizing that the number on the scale was never my problem. My problem was that I never felt like I was good enough.

    I thought if I looked a certain way and was thinner, I’d automatically be happier, have more friends, find a loving partner, and be liked more.

    Bottom line: my struggles with body image, food rules, and my weight were symptoms of me not feeling like I was good enough—not actually food. 

    So, I started to address an issue that no diet, food program, meal plan, or fitness routine ever really does: self-love.

    I wasn’t an overnight success story. It took time. And in all honesty, I didn’t even know if I was capable of doing it. (I was.)

    All I knew was that I was ready for my pain to incite change and to grow into a healthier, happier human in body, mind, soul, and spirit.

    Here are some things I learned along my self-love journey that may help you too.

    Being kind to yourself may feel foreign at first.

    Speaking kindly to yourself, appreciating the good in yourself, and treating yourself as you would treat a close friend may seem odd at first. Know that this is normal. Just keep it up and soon it won’t seem so foreign.

    And in all honesty, when you start to do this (and realize how unkind you’ve been to yourself), it won’t be too surprising why you’ve been having a hard time making the next step.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t move along in your journey when your star player is constantly doubting, bullying, and sabotaging him or herself. Be kind to yourself.

    You have to forgive yourself.

    If you’re a sensitive soul, like me, you don’t forgive yourself easily. If the same thing happened to a friend, you’d forgive them in a heartbeat, but yourself, no way.

    When we’re living with blame or shame, we use food to soothe, stay in unhealthy relationships, and let go of all of our boundaries.

    Forgive yourself, just as you would a friend, for the things you’ve been holding on to.

    Let them go so you can move forward without that baggage and live in the light. Write a forgiveness letter to yourself and then burn it, mediate, use mantras, or journal—whatever helps you forgive and let go.

    Until you accept yourself, you’ll keep searching for happiness elsewhere.

    The simple realization that happiness is an inside job is transformative. It’s freeing, really.

    It makes you think about what’s really important to you, what makes you come alive, and what you want more of in your life. You’ll discover it’s not your weight, hair color, or how much money you make.

    When you uncover these questions and discover that self-love and acceptance are the keys to living a life of love, you’ll be consumed with joy.

    You see, a lot of us wait until we get “there” to start doing what we really want to do. But, what if you started doing things because you knew that’s what lit up your soul in the now? I bet you’d get “there” that much faster. 

    You can change your script.

    Remember that at any point, you can change the script of your life. Your past doesn’t define you and neither does your undetermined future. The only thing that matters is now, so make your now one that empowers, strengthens, and fills you with love.

    You have to give love to feel love.

    Smile at others. Give compliments. Express gratitude. You want more love? Then show it. The Universe will throw back at us what we give out, so give good. Give love. And open your heart to the tiny miracles that happen daily around you with thanks.

    When we’re filled with love and gratitude, we make more loving and gracious choices for our bodies, others, and ourselves—and that’s the real food for a journey of self-love.

    Love yourself image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Start Loving and Stop Criticizing Yourself

    4 Tips to Start Loving and Stop Criticizing Yourself

    Happy Woman

    “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

    I used to give myself quite a hard time. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up or doing enough or achieving as much as my peers.

    I decided to make a note of the way I was speaking to myself and treating myself. What I found surprised me.

    I noticed that I’d berate myself for days if something didn’t go exactly to plan, convinced that there was something wrong with me and that was why I had messed up.

    I’d tell myself that I was stupid, useless, and a thoroughly incompetent, unworthy human being. Pretty mean stuff, really!

    I wouldn’t even speak to my worst enemy that way I was speaking to myself. It was time to make a change.

    Are you at war with yourself?

    It’s been said many times that a lack of self-love is at the root of all of our problems, and I agree.

    Our addictive behaviors are so often interlinked with self-esteem issues, not feeling good enough or valuing our own worth. At times, food or drugs may be a way of self-medicating or even self-harming.

    If we’re stressed or anxious, we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves, telling ourselves that things should be a certain way—that we need to be different or try harder. We’re not accepting ourselves and the situation as it is right now.

    When we take good care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, and accept ourselves completely, stresses seem more manageable, healthy choices are natural, and we feel better within ourselves.

    Many of us think we need to be harsh and critical of ourselves in order to progress and move forward. However, evidence suggests that harsh criticism is actually demotivating and stressful, not helpful.

    If you’re sick of being at war with yourself and are ready to love yourself more and become calmer, happier, and healthier, try these four steps.

    1. Speak to yourself as you’d speak to someone you love and want to encourage.

    Would you tell them that they’re no good? Would you give them a hard time? I don’t think so.

    Tune into how you’re speaking to yourself throughout the day. Once you become aware of a harsh tone, work on changing this to a tone that is patient, compassionate, and accepting.

    Giving yourself a hard time isn’t effective at helping you to do your best. I like to remind myself that I’m doing my best, that every experience is a learning experience, and that I’m already good enough.

    2. See yourself as your loved ones see you.

    When I first met my boyfriend I didn’t believe him when he told me he loved me. I wasn’t able to see past my own self-criticism to see what he could see.

    By imagining how he saw me, I was able to perceive myself in the way that he did—all the good points, the strengths, the sense of humor, the quirks, the vulnerability, and yes, the flaws, but on the whole, I could see a worthwhile and lovable person.

    Imagine a person that loves you and picture them sitting in front of you now. Notice the way they look at you in way that lets you know that they love and accept you completely.

    Now imagine you can step into their shoes and see yourself through their eyes, with love, care, and kindness. Notice all your amazing qualities and even all of your flaws, and send yourself a lot of acceptance for all of it. Now step back into your own shoes but bring with you this new perspective.

    3. Make a daily list of the things you appreciate about yourself.

    It could be that you’re a good friend, or maybe you always remain calm in a crisis. So often we’re programmed to notice our deficiencies and the things we lack. Challenge this instinct by noticing the things you appreciate instead.

    Recently, I’ve appreciated myself for being a good listener, for making great cakes for my friend’s birthdays, for my willingness to work on myself, and for the fact that I can now do twenty whole pushups!

     4. Remember that you are a human being and are therefore fallible.

    You and everyone else on the planet are a work in progress. You don’t need to be perfect; you are always learning, always changing, and getting better every day.

    Aim for progress rather than perfection. We are all doing our best with the tools and abilities that we have at our disposal. So give yourself a break and remember that you’re doing just fine.

    I’d love to hear about the ways that learning to love yourself has helped you, or could help you. What strategies do you have for loving yourself more?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    Smiling Woman

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    Relationships give us the opportunity to learn about ourselves though identifying with another. I’ll be the first one to admit that some of my relationships didn’t end on ideal terms. I’ve managed to stay in touch with a few partners over the years, but for the most part, they’ve fallen to the wayside.

    Here’s how most of them played out: The initial phase was intoxicating, I was completely enamored with the other person, and likewise, they made me feel like the object of their attention. As a result, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, wholeness, and love.

    Eventually, the passion faded and the relationship began to decline, leading to a break-up. Now, instead of feeling joy and wholeness, it felt more like despair and emptiness.

    Sound familiar?

    We’re taught early on, through various forms of conditioning, that we are only valuable when an external source recognizes it, whether it’s a spouse, parent, or a boss. Dean Martin even sings, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. You’re nobody ‘til somebody cares.”

    Could this paradigm possibly be accurate? After all, if an icon like Dean Martin is singing about it, there must be some kernel of truth to it, right?

    I definitely felt better about myself when I was “coupled up,” but did that justify feeling devoid of love when the relationship ran its course?

    It wasn’t until I cultivated love for myself that I recognized my immense value, regardless of my relationship status. This happened through a regular spiritual practice and reflective meditation. From that space, I also recognized a few fundamental truths that helped me foster self-love.

    1. Extreme self-care means doing what strengthens your mind, body, and spirit.

    The best way to show yourself love it to practice self-care. The exact details differ from person to person, but they all share a common thread—they nurture your inner being.

    Maybe that means taking an extra hour to pamper yourself or setting aside time to focus on fitness. The expectations from friends and family will still be there, but it’s your responsibility to do what makes you feel recharged and lifted before tending to others.

    2. Your most important commitment is to honor yourself and your needs.

    On the journey toward personal fulfillment, you first need to make a commitment to address your needs. That doesn’t mean neglect your financial or social obligations, but it should be a reminder that your dreams and ambitions are a priority. After all, if you don’t stand up for your aspirations, who will?

    It helps if you make this commitment crystal clear by saying it out loud, sharing it with a friend, or writing it down. I find it beneficial to write personal mantras and commitments on my mirror so that I’m reminded of them every time I look at my refection.

    3. Your emotional well-being does not depend on any external circumstance.

    At any given moment, I have the ability to choose a positive emotional state. I can’t control the way other people act toward me, but I can reframe my belief system to better align with my own self-image. For example, just because someone lashes out or says something hurtful, that doesn’t mean it’s a reflection of me.

    Each of us is responsible for our own feelings, and it is our job to rescue ourselves from the pit of despair when we fall in.

    4. Making peace with your past paves the way for a rewarding future.

    You’d be hard pressed to meet anyone who doesn’t have a few demons in their closet. We all accumulate baggage throughout the course of our lives, but you don’t need to carry it from one place to the next. It simply weighs you down and prevents you from reaching your highest self.

    Learn to make peace with your past so that you can receive the present with an open heart.

    Forgiveness and acceptance go hand-in-hand with self-love. One of the ways I’ve learned to forgive past hurts is by not taking it personally.

    The second principle in Don Miguel Ruiz’s acclaimed book The Four Agreements says it best: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    5. Speak and treat yourself with kindness.

    Listening to your internal dialogue can be a good way to gauge your level of self-love. Are your thoughts predominantly negative or self-condemning? If they are, your first priority should be to change the way you speak to yourself.

    Adopting a set of positive affirmations can transform negative internal dialogue into a more supportive channel of communication with yourself. Some of my favorite affirmations are:

    • All is well in my world and I encounter love, abundance, and appreciation in every moment.
    • I accept others just as they are because I accept myself just as I am.
    • I radiate compassion and love and as a result I receive an endless flow of it back.

    6. Trust your intuition; it will guide the way.

    You intuition is one of the best tools at your disposal, and fortunately, you can never leave home without it! Listen to what your intuition tells you about taking care of yourself. After all, you deserve your love and affection.

    —

    Self-love is a regular practice that starts with acceptance. Take the time to align with your inner self and appreciate your strength. Only then can you open up to receiving and giving love to others unconditionally.

    If you can be love and accept yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of who chooses to enter or exit your life.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things Kids Do That Can Lead to Self-Love & Happiness

    3 Things Kids Do That Can Lead to Self-Love & Happiness

    Girl in a Meadow

    “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen

    As we grow older, a lot of us fall out of love with ourselves, and as a result, have a hard time figuring out what we value and what lights us up.

    Self-love is crucial to creating a life that aligns with our desires because it serves as our inner compass, empowering and enabling us to steer our life in a direction that makes us happy. Otherwise, we end up turning to external sources for love and happiness. That’s what happened to me.

    I started dating late in my life compared to all my friends, so when I entered a serious relationship, I was over the moon. Finally, I felt complete because I found someone who liked me enough to want to be with me.

    I was so desperate to maintain the relationship that I ended up trying to be like him, doing what he liked so that he’d love me more.

    Along the way, I lost my own interests and lost touch with some of my friends. When the relationship came to an end, I didn’t know who I was and felt so empty. I knew then that I needed to learn how to love myself again.

    Recently, I’ve been spending time with my niece and nephew, who are between the ages of two and six. It dawned on me that there’s a lot we can learn from children when it comes to re-learning how to love ourselves.

    So what can we learn from children?

    Say what’s on your mind.

    Often, children say exactly what’s on their mind because they haven’t yet formed the belief that it’s wrong to be honest. For the most part, there is no hidden agenda in what they say. If there is, we can easily see through it, as we listen and work with them to find a compromise.

    Depending on your upbringing and your experiences, you may have developed certain rules or beliefs about speaking your mind. As an adult, you now have a choice. Instead of operating like you would have in the past, you can decide if you would like to change your rule or belief.

    With my cultural upbringing, I was taught that it is impolite and disrespectful to question elders or people of authority. So I did what I was told because I would get reprimanded when I asked why.

    I carried this belief throughout my school years, and when someone pushed me to speak up in class or in work settings, I always felt guilty and uncomfortable.

    One day, I decided to give myself permission to not feel guilty when someone asked what I thought. I changed my belief to I feel valued and safe when someone asks for my opinion.

    Slowly, I realized that you can simultaneously respect someone and speak up.

    So why not honor that little voice inside of you and say what you’re thinking? In doing so, you are expressing your truth, and this is an act of self-love.

    Likewise, if you are the receiver in the conversation, practice listening to the speaker with compassion and openness, as you would with a child.

    In creating a safe, respectful space for mutual sharing, you’re creating the opportunity to connect with others on a deeper level, strengthening your relationships and your self-love at the same time.

    Incorporate more playtime into your life.

    As adults, our work tends to get in the way of play. I am certainly guilty of this.

    My definition of play is doing something big, like a night out of town with friends, or traveling. As such, I often go a long period of time without ‘play.’ In hanging out with my niece and nephew, I realized my definition of play is too rigid.

    Like children, we need to incorporate playtime or break time into our day-to-day life. Not only does playing provide health benefits, but there are also studies that have shown it increases creativity, connection, and productivity.

    So bring out your inner child and look for simple ways to create opportunities to laugh, relax, and have fun in your life.

    This could be going to the park and getting on a swing, getting a game of Candy Crush in, organizing game nights, having a dance party with your kids, or going for a coffee break with colleagues.

    When you incorporate play in moderation into your life, you are giving yourself permission to relax, clear out your mind, and reap the health benefits. This action in itself is a form of self-care and self-love.

    Smile at yourself instead of criticizing yourself.

    Children adore themselves. They love looking in the mirror and seeing themselves, just the way they are. They smile, they blow kisses to themselves. There are no judgments.

    As human beings, we are love. It is our birthright to be loved and to give love. It is what keeps us alive and what gives us hope and helps us grow.

    But over time, we start to dim our lights and build walls around our heart. When this happens, we not only close the pathways to love, but also make it hard for others to love us.

    Next time when you look in the mirror, challenge yourself to look in your eyes and refrain from being critical. Be kind to yourself.

    Smile at the person you see, even if you need to imagine yourself as a younger version of you. Acknowledge your inner spirit with your eyes.

    This was always hard for me to do. I found it uncomfortable to look into my eyes, as I knew I would start criticizing myself.

    I’d say things like you look fat, look at the black circles underneath your eyes, look at that zit, you need to take better care of yourself. What are you looking at? There’s nothing to look at.

    At that moment, I’d look away, take a few deep breaths, and remind myself of where that voice was coming from. It was a combination of my own and my parents’.

    They criticized me because of the way they were brought up, and it was how they showed their love and care, but I knew I could choose to say “thank you but no thank you.”

    I would then take another deep breath and look up again.

    At first, it felt kind of like a peek-a-boo game. But once I locked eyes with myself, I acknowledged myself and said, “See this isn’t too bad. I just want to say hi. I see you and I love you. Thanks for playing. Let’s see where this goes after a month. If nothing changes, I’ll stop, I promise.”

    Things did change, though. I felt more peaceful and grounded, and I noticed I smiled more when I was out and about.

    So what are you waiting for? Rekindle your connection with your inner child and you will soon feel the self-love you once had when you were a kid, and you’ll love your life a lot more as a result.

    Girl in a meadow image via Shutterstock

  • How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When it comes to self-esteem, I’ve had a bumpy ride. Throughout my school life I was severely bullied and, consequently, I grew up intensely insecure and self-critical.

    I constantly measured my self-worth against the opinions of others, and when opinions weren’t forthcoming, I simply filled in the blanks by imagining the worst.

    By my twenties I measured my self-worth in terms of my popularity, how successful I was compared to my friends, my appearance, and my love life.

    If I had a bad hair day it was catastrophic—I instantly felt ugly, unlovable, and alone. Everything hinged upon my desire to measure up, and if I felt I wasn’t (which I usually did) I would berate and bully myself.

    It was as if there was this volcano inside of me simmering away with self-loathing that could burst into outright hatred at any time. Because I didn’t like myself, I was constantly searching for outside validation, someone else that could make me happy and whole again.

    Looking back, I think that’s why I found it so hard to be single. I hadn’t learned to like myself, so it made perfect sense that to be left in my own company would cause me unease.

    In 2009 it all came to a head when I had what can only be described as a catastrophic breakdown, or as I like to put it, breakthrough.

    I finally sought treatment for my trauma, which helped build my self-esteem. I was extremely privileged to have had access to world-class care; however, the steps I took to overcome my low self-esteem—the very same I share with you today—can be achieved by anyone with the aid of a notepad and pen.

    Step 1: Create a positive qualities record.

    The biggest step I took toward learning to love myself was to remind myself of the kind of person I could be.

    Shockingly simple, I know, but nevertheless challenging when you don’t like yourself very much. I remember struggling to think of positive qualities that I could honestly claim as my own and trying to silence my inner critic as it discounted each one I thought of.

    The more I persisted, the easier I recalled them, one by one. If you find it difficult at first, keep at it—trust me, it will pay off.

    Essentially, you are training your brain to look for evidence that supports a higher level of self-esteem, and this exercise is extremely effective. Aim to write down just fifteen positive qualities that relate to your character.

    As I re-read my list, I remembered I had qualities I liked and was proud of. The process of writing them down had reassured me that I had worth after all. I then went through the list and wrote down examples of when I had displayed those qualities.

    You don’t have to do this for all of your fifteen qualities. Simply pick your five favorite qualities from your list and note down the times when you have shown those traits to others.

    When I did this for my own positive qualities record, I really had to search for examples, but the sense of validation I felt was well worth it. I now had concrete evidence that I possessed the qualities I had attributed to myself—a powerful silencing tool for my inner critic!

    Step 2: Create an activity diary for achievements, fun, and relaxation.

    This step had the biggest impact upon my self-esteem by far. I was given instructions to list daily entries with an A (for Achievement), an F (for Fun), or an R (for Relaxation) besides each task or activity. I was also told to list small things for A’s to build up my confidence before listing bigger tasks.

    These simple instructions transformed how I saw my time and, most importantly, how I viewed self-care. No longer did I think of fun and relaxation as frivolous or insignificant. I now saw them as equally valid to tasks and an important use of my time.

    Day by day I ticked off the A’s, F’s, and R’s in my diary and almost immediately my confidence and self-esteem grew. I had a sense of achievement and inner pride from knowing I was practicing self-care and being productive. Moreover, my confidence in my capabilities grew tenfold.

    I started to have guilt-free fun and rediscovered the joy it brought. I learned what I found relaxing and I became calmer as a result.

    The truth is, these same benefits are available to you right now. All you need is a diary and a pen—nothing fancy—just something to write down two tasks each day. List one Achievement and either one Relaxation or one Fun activity. Then take pleasure in seeing your self-esteem rise.

    Step 3: Adjust negative core beliefs.

    The problem with core beliefs is that we believe them at our very, well, core. Unsurprisingly, one of my negative core beliefs was that I was unlovable. The first thing I did was to write it down and then challenge it to discover a more realistic, balanced core belief.

    It was hard at first, but after some time I came up with “I may not be perfect, but there are many people that love me and find me lovable.” This was definitely a more accurate and balanced core belief, and one I would do well to adopt.

    I then wrote the new balanced core belief at the top of a new page and below it drew two columns. On top of one, I wrote, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Past & Present” and on top of the other, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Future.”

    I then listed all the evidence for my new core belief to date.

    I listed all of the people who I knew loved me. I listed my positive qualities as lovable traits and examples when others had been loving toward me. In the second column I listed: noticing when people pay me compliments, paying attention to loving gestures, and making note of when people tell me “I love you.”

    The more I reflected on the evidence, the less I believed that I was unlovable and the more weight my new realistic and balanced core belief held. I suddenly felt lighter, relieved even, as if I had just woken up from a nightmare that now had no place in reality.

    By their very nature core beliefs are deeply rooted, but if you regularly look over the evidence you’ve written for your new balanced core belief, you too can overcome its grasp!

    —

    I’m happy to say that the insecure and self-critical years I spent in my twenties seem like a distant memory now. I’m kinder to myself. I’m more forgiving of my flaws and don’t equate them to my self-worth.

    Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly confident, I even go out without make-up on—just to prove to myself I can and that I am more than the summation of my looks.

    What others think of me no longer bothers me in the way that it once did because I know that I am a loving, kind, generous person with a lot to offer people.

    As I write that, it sounds arrogant on the page, but that’s what I believe and that’s what my internal dialogue has become.

    Don’t get me wrong, my inner critic sometimes pops his ugly head up every now and again, but I now have a vast array of ammunition to throw at him.

    By following these steps you will accrue your own arsenal to throw at your inner critics so they too can be silenced and, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, so that you can accept yourself—both wholeheartedly and completely, for the beautiful person you were born to be.

  • How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    Shame

    “Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.” ~Helen Keller

    It’s discouraging, isn’t it?

    Walking around every day feeling as if you’re never enough?

    Comparing yourself to others and continually coming up short?

    You feel as if you’re not smart enough, talented enough, organized enough, or disciplined enough. You’ve made mistakes, some small and some big but all of them embarrassing.

    Fortunately, you and I are gloriously human and perfectly imperfect. We falter and fly, fall and triumph, cry, laugh, forget, remember, hurt, heal, dream, and love. Our one-of-a-kind uniqueness is amazing, really.

    I couldn’t appreciate this earlier in life due to a childhood in which I was too skinny, too clumsy, too emotional, too shy, too sensitive, too everything.

    When I was in kindergarten, I wanted nothing more than to stay inside alone and draw at recess. You can probably imagine how that went over.

    The teacher called my mother and informed her that I needed to go outside and play with the other children because I would never develop my large motor muscles.

    I already knew how to swing on the monkey bars, and I craved some quiet time. At the tender age of five, I decided there was something horribly wrong with me because too much noise and chaos set my nerves on edge.

    My secret guilt and shame for being so flawed began to unravel when I became a mother. Three babies in four years taught me more about love than I could ever have imagined.

    I wanted to protect and cherish the tender senses of self in my care, so I began reading every self-help book I could get my hands on. The more I honored the perfection in my children, the more generosity of spirit I developed for myself.

    My journey inward included books about dreams, intuition, and spiritual development, and in time I realized that my sensitive and nurturing nature was actually my greatest gift and not a trait to be deeply ashamed of.

    I can talk about it now from a genuine place of self-acceptance, but the pilgrimage from there to here was far from easy.

    What I have learned so far.

    It’s not about you.

    Stop taking it all personally. In the journey toward self-acceptance, this is rule number one. How others see you is largely a projection and has little to do with you.

    A great example of this is any politician. She may be viewed as an inspirational hero or incompetent fool depending on the person describing her. Same person just being viewed through vastly different lenses.

    If you have ever been brave enough to play the game where you ask several people who know you to describe you with one word, you’ve already seen the diverse range of perceptions people have about you.

    How people perceive you is more a reflection of the lens they are peering through than it is about you.

    Once you truly embrace this concept, it will free you from the weight of other’s opinions or judgments. How you feel and what you know to be true of yourself is what matters.

    Perfect people are annoying.

    Don’t try to be one of them. Nearly everyone I know and those I have consulted with have something about their pasts or their personalities they are deeply ashamed of or embarrassed by. It may be a dysfunctional family, failed relationships, or financial difficulties.

    We all hide our secrets convinced that if others knew, they would criticize, or worse, disown us. Some of us spend inordinate amounts of emotional energy trying to hide our embarrassing flaws, carrying around deep shame and guilt over our perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

    Unfortunate choices, bad hair days, saying too much, saying too little, getting jealous, and losing things are all part of what makes you gloriously human. Your mishaps are what make you relatable and loveable.

    None of us want picture-perfect friends because, frankly, they’re intimidating. We crave genuine friends. Friends who lock their keys in the car, fall for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and tangle up their Christmas lights.

    Embrace your weird self.

    I find it fascinating that billions of people walk the Earth and no two are exactly alike. If you are human, let’s face it, you have a few loveable quirks.

    Bask in your strangeness and you’ll attract your tribe. When you stop pouring energy into being someone you’re not, you have more time and energy to be who you are.

    In honor of my kindergarten teacher, I now stay inside and draw whenever I don’t feel like playing outside. So there.

    Words can and do hurt you.

    “Don’t be silly. You can’t do it. You mess everything up.” Sound familiar? If it wasn’t a harsh parent or teacher wagging a disapproving finger, it might have been coming from your own head.

    Stop the madness.

    If you wouldn’t dream of uttering such things to your best friend or child, then for Heaven’s sake stop saying them to yourself. “Oops cancel that” halts my negative self-talk in its tracks and helps me laugh at myself rather than heaping on more shame.

    A miraculous shift occurred when I began extending compassion and patience toward myself. I noticed that others began to mirror my improved inner attitude. My harshest critics were nowhere in sight, and my new friends were oddly fond of solitude.

    Now just imagine it. You make a mistake at work, at home, or in a relationship. This time, instead of beating yourself up, you calmly tell yourself that you’ll know better and do better next time because mistakes are great teachers.

    Doesn’t that feel better?

    Imagine being able to laugh at your blunders and accept your peculiarities.

    Go ahead, right now.

    Toss the burden of worry, shame, and guilt off your back.

    Sit up straight, toss your hair back, and say, “I am enough.”

    Ashamed girl image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

    How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

    Woman Relaxing

    “If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.” ~Unknown

    There’s nothing like being one of the few black kids in your school to make you feel like the odd person out.

    Well, that was my experience, anyway. I appreciate my parents’ desire to provide my brother and me with a safe neighborhood to live in and a good education, but growing up in a predominantly white area really affected me. I very rarely felt like I fit in among my peers.

    That didn’t stop me from trying, though. I did all I could to get people to like me—to feel accepted. Perfectionism quickly became my best friend.

    The pressure I put on myself to be perfect wasn’t completely unproductive. I ended up earning the honor of being my school’s first black valedictorian. I also lost seventy pounds and became a renowned soloist in my school district.

    But those accomplishments still weren’t enough to make me feel worthy. Deep down, what I really wanted was a boyfriend. Maybe if I could find a boy to like me, I thought, I wouldn’t feel so different from my peers.

    Unfortunately, finding a boyfriend proved to be difficult. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one years old that I had my first kiss and met my first serious boyfriend. Finally, I felt normal—all because a man believed I was special.

    The problem with connecting my relationship status with my self-worth is that I desperately clung to my boyfriend, despite the many red flags present within our relationship. It took nearly four years before I accepted that his behavior toward me was rather abusive and that I needed to leave.

    By the time I left that relationship, my sense of worth was pretty shot. It’s ironic that low self-worth is what led me to the relationship, kept me in the relationship, and what I had to deal with once I left the relationship.

    I learned the hard way that when we connect our worth with anything outside of ourselves, we’re setting ourselves up for failure.

    Yes, it’s a common trap many of us find ourselves in, but it’s a dangerous one. During the last five years of healing from abuse, I’ve eventually come to realize that my worthiness is an entity separate from my appearance, relationship status, and success.

    Yours is too.

    These days, I firmly believe that a deep sense of self-worth is the foundation each person needs to fully thrive in his/her work, relationships, and other life endeavors. Despite what society likes to tell us, weight loss, engagement rings, and becoming the CEO of your company aren’t what make us worthy. Such things just don’t have that power in the long-term.

    On the contrary, it is because we are worthy that we’re able to accomplish and enjoy such wonderful things. And when we believe we’re worthy, we bring more of our light into the world. We tend to attract similar light too.

    So, how exactly does one develop a deep sense of self-worth?

    That is the question—and the challenge.

    Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re looking to deepen your self-worth. The following list is certainly not a formula, but it just might get you thinking about how you can get in touch with your own worthiness.

    Acknowledge when you are seeking external validation.

    It’s common to seek validation from others, so I wouldn’t expect you quit that habit cold turkey. You’re human!

    That said, it’s important to at least acknowledge when you’re seeking it. “I’m looking for people to validate me so I feel worthy” might sound like a silly thing to say aloud, but you can’t address a problem until you acknowledge its existence.

    Then, think about why external validation is so important to you.

    Sometimes, when I find myself pining for more Facebook likes or a quick compliment from my husband, I stop myself and think. There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting people to appreciate my work or my husband to tell me I’m attractive, but if I’m wrapping up my entire well-being in either of those things, I’m in for some major disappointment.

    Other people weren’t created to make me feel good about myself; that’s my own issue that I need to work on.

    Usually, when we’re urgently seeking external validation, there’s a fear underlying our desperation. Getting in touch with those fears is important because then we can determine whether our fears are reality or just fears. Most of the time, they’re just fears, and we shouldn’t give them more power than they deserve.

    Practice self-love by caring, comforting, and soothing yourself.

    Often, when we’re longing for validation, it’s because we’re in need of attention. Caring, comforting, and soothing ourselves, particularly during hard times, need to become common practices. A lot of times we can give ourselves the attention we’re yearning for; we just have to get used to doing so.

    I’m not suggesting that individuals can replace the role of community in their own lives; we still need loved ones to share life with us. But when we really value something, we treat it well. And you deserve to be at the top of the list of things you value, especially if you haven’t been for a significant period of time.

    In other words, treat yourself like you know you’re worth it and one day, you just might believe it.

    Be willing to believe you are worthy.

    You might not have a whole lot of self-worth today, but that doesn’t mean you never will. So, while you’re doing the work of deepening your self-worth, believe that you are capable of doing so too. Otherwise, what’s the point?

    Commit to the journey.

    Deepening your sense of self-worth is no easy feat. It is, indeed, a journey. And because of all the topsy-turvy feelings this journey might invoke, it’s wise to commit to it prior to taking the first step.

    Humans make significant decisions every day that require displays of commitment (i.e.: getting married, buying a house, adopting a pet). While I don’t think you have to plan a wedding ceremony for yourself (unless you really want to), I do think the decision to deepen your self-worth should be viewed as a significant one requiring the utmost commitment.

    In fact, I’d say deepening your self-worth is one of the most significant commitments any person can make. Don’t you?

    Grasping the connection between my self-worth and the way I treat myself was life-changing for me. If you’re struggling to believe in your own worthiness, I strongly suggest that you embark on your own journey towards doing so. That journey just might change your life too.

    Besides, you’re worth it.

    Woman relaxing image via Shutterstock

  • The Key to Finding Your Ideal Partner in Life

    The Key to Finding Your Ideal Partner in Life

    Silhouette of a Couple

    “The most perfect relationship is the one that supports you in fulfilling your destiny—the one that empowers you to be everything you are meant to be in this world and beyond.” ~Jan H. Stringer

    As I was sitting up in my bed, reviewing my “Ideal partner wish list” from six years ago, I was a little appalled. I had no idea how much I had been influenced by Hollywood when it came to identifying what I wanted in an ideal partner. It was watermarked all over my wish list. It was hard to ignore.

    There was an undertone of entitlement in my wishes. They sounded more like demands than requests or desires.

    My list looked like I was ordering a custom healing balm to soothe my loneliness and lack of self-worth. It didn’t look like I wanted a partner to enhance my experience of life and reach deeper levels of intimacy with.

    I used to believe that if two people loved each other, things would work out. As I got older and wiser, I understood that the “love” they referred to was not the kind I had known: demanding, repressing, and controlling.

    It was the kind that encompasses self-love and respects each person’s desire to be themselves. I didn’t even know what that kind of real, mature love looked like.

    I grew up on romantic movies with happy endings and romance novels where unbridled passion takes over logic. In those movies, no matter how difficult the circumstances around the couple were, they would somehow resolve those issues and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

    The books I was reading followed the same scripts. I allowed these stories to settle in my mind and heart as truth, as something I should expect—every time.

    After seeing my belief system, expectations, and how I approached relationships, the reality of it all sat in my stomach for a couple of days. It was no surprise that I had pretty tumultuous relationships since writing that list.

    Naturally, I decided to write a new list. I wanted to see how far I had come, if at all. At the last minute, I heard the voice in my head saying, “Write it in a way that reflects self-love.” So I complied.

    This time, the items on my list seemed far from the requests of an unripe princess who is throwing a temper tantrum. They came from a place of knowing myself deeply and wanting to give myself nothing less than the best.

    I knew my unhealed places and my must-haves based on my core values. By now, I had had enough experiences and relationships to know which qualities I need my partner to have for the relationship to not take away from my existing happiness, and contribute to my growth as a human being.

    It took me a long time but I get it now: A partner is not a cure for all my problems, or for how good I feel about myself. He is only responsible for his half: his happiness and his choices. He is off the hook from the responsibility of making me happy.

    Yet, I let myself desire what I desire. For instance, historically, I am attracted to men who can fix anything around the house and find ingenious ways to overcome a problem they encounter while doing that. It’s sexy. I desire that. I enjoy that. But my happiness does not depend on it.

    There is even a bigger, unexpected benefit to the new version filtered through self-love: this new list feels real, achievable, and believable to me. Because it is based on truth I have gathered about myself. This, of course, increases its power and my faith in it even more.

    Since I wrote my new list almost three months ago, I feel relaxed in the knowledge that the right partner will show up when he is due. Not a minute sooner or later. And I have no control over that.

    I kick back and live my life, enjoy relationships, grow through them, and do not make the guys I date the potential father of my children right away. I let them reveal who they are and I reveal who I am in time, and see if there is enough overlap for us to continue.

    If you had told me two years ago that I could relax into the arms of the Universe to lead me to my ideal partner, I would not have believed you.

    I no longer play games or shape-shift to gain and sustain someone’s interest and love. Even though the price of this wisdom was high, I still feel grateful for all my heartaches and disappointments. Through my experiences, I found invaluable pieces of me that I will never give away.

    If I am here today, enjoying the peace of this knowing, anyone can get here. Here are a few steps to get you going in that direction.

    1. Instead of worrying about how you’re pleasing your partner, your boss, or your friends, start paying attention to your own emotional responses to life.

    See what excites you. What kind of a life do you imagine having if all your wishes came true? Get a little notebook to carry with you at all times and write down everything about you.

    “I find crop circles fascinating,” “I don’t enjoy cooking except for when I invite company over for dinner,” “My dad calls my mom at work every day. I like that. And so does she.” Get to know you. That is the gateway to knowing what to look for in a partner who is ideal for you.

    2. Pay attention to how you meet your own emotional needs.

    What makes you feel cared about? What pisses you off to no end? What do you do when you feel sad, lonely, or desperate? Who do you share your joys with? What kind of a response do you like to get for them? How do you find inspiration in life? What takes away your trust and what keeps it strong?

    Knowing the answers to these questions will help you know what would keep you happy or what would not take away from the happiness that you create for yourself.

    3. Imagine that you are a non-judgmental secret self-love agent and your job is to provide a report of your findings of this inner research.

    Write this report on yourself from a place of getting to know the person who has lived on this planet, in this body all these years. It is meant to be a loving mirror of who you are, what tickles you, and what takes away your joy.

    4. Write your new “ideal partner” wish list based on the person you know yourself to be.

    Create an avatar for the partner who would complement you and who can support you in becoming the man/woman you are here to be.

    Change and embellish this process as you like and don’t pressure yourself. It could take days or weeks to complete. Allow yourself to enjoy the process of getting to know yourself. Write this new list as a celebration of who you are based on what you find out, accept, and love about yourself. That combination is irresistible!

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Unlearning the Self-Loathing That’s Passed Down by Generations

    Unlearning the Self-Loathing That’s Passed Down by Generations

    “Embrace and love your body. It is the most amazing thing you will ever own.” ~Unknown

    The first time I made myself throw up to feel skinny, I was five years old. My grandmother still loves to tell this story—she thinks it’s funny.

    The story goes like this: I tell my grandmother my stomach feels sick. She rubs my belly. I tell her it still hurts. She asks me if I want to try the “potion.” I say, “Yes.”

    The “potion,” as I realized in an unrelated context in my early twenties, was syrup of Ipecac—a strong vomit inducer. I should mention this was back in the Ukraine. My grandmother uses no such potion now and neither does most of the populace—I hope.

    So, there I go drinking a whole glass. I vomit. Ten minutes later, I’m in front of the mirror, hiking up my dress to look at my stomach, saying, “Don’t I look pretty? Don’t I look thin?”

    My grandmother almost rolls onto the floor laughing. She’s laughing because this little kid pulled the wool over her eyes, because my stomach didn’t really hurt. Because I’d conned her.

    How could this woman, who’s from the old country, who had to share a loaf of bread with nine of her siblings, possibly understand the reasoning or the danger of throwing up your food on purpose?

    Fast forward ten years, I’ve got a full blown eating disorder. I just wonder what my grandmother would have said if she’d have walked in on me, sitting on my bedroom floor, at age fifteen, surfing a pro-mia website, shoving a salt-covered wooden spoon down my throat to see if it made me gag easier.

    Never in a million years would she imagine what I’d been doing and why.

    My mother, however, is a different story. And so am I.

    I remember, when I was about four, my mom dropping me off on my grandmother’s step warning her not to feed me too much. That would have been the worst thing—if I gained weight. My mother took many precautions to make sure this did not happen.

    Of course, my grandmother didn’t listen.

    And so, the precautions turned to problems. My mother’s worst fear had become a reality.

    I still remember the fury with which she scolded me when she found stashed food in my room, the anger in her eyes as she tried grabbed onto my fat and my senses, trying desperately to make me understand—she was trying to help me.

    No one wants a fat girl.

    I remember watching her go on and off diets. I remember watching from around the corner as she put on her makeup, her creams, her mask. I remember the way she’d talk about herself as if she were an old house that she was trying to renovate, although the wood had rotten and fallen through the cracks.

    I found out later much later that, although my one grandmother wouldn’t know a thing about that kind of thinking, my late grandmother, my mom’s mom, was like my mother and me. She had learned the ways of self-loathing.

    It was like something happened to the women on my mom’s side of the family that didn’t happen to my dad’s side, like a program had been downloaded into our heads that said: “No one likes a fat, ugly girl, and you are one.”

    In her TED talk about lexicography, Erin McKean mentions something she calls “The Ham Butt Problem.”

    The Ham Butt Problem goes something like this: a woman’s cooking a ham for her family and she cuts a huge piece of butt off and throws it out. Her son sees her doing it and asks, “Why do you do that?” She answers, “Well, I don’t know, I guess because my mother always did it this way.”

    So, woman calls her mother and asks her, “Mom, why’d you cut the butt off the ham when you made it?” The mother says, “Well, I don’t know, my mother did it this way.” So, both women, full of curiosity now, call grandma and ask her the same question.

    Grandma laughs and says, “My pan was too small.”

    And so, I learned to put on makeup, fret over my blemishes, buy creams for my face, creams for my thighs, and creams for my arms.

    I learned to go on and off diets. I learned to feel ugly all the time, except when I’d put on my mask and protect myself from my horrible, natural appearance. I did what I saw done. I cut the butt off my ham because my mother cut the butt off hers.

    By the time I was twenty-three, I had dyed hair, dyed eyebrows, and a whole closet full of shape-altering clothes. I had problems with addiction, co-dependent relationships, anxiety, and self-hatred so serious that it ended me up hearing voices and feeling suicidal.

    Cutting the butt off my ham almost killed me.

    As I picked up the broken pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized that everything was too broken to glue back together. I had to start over.

    And as I looked at those broken pieces lying there, I realized suddenly that all of the pain and self-destruction I had brewed in my life for almost twenty years had the same source. It was that program—that self-loathing thinking that I’d inherited from at least two generations.

    As I learned to see myself in a different light, I realized the pure ignorance of that kind of thinking. How ungrateful is it to say that nature doesn’t know how to make beauty? Doesn’t nature make sunsets and rainbows and beaches? Nature made me. How could I say that was ugly? Who was I to judge?

    And so, I learned to fall deeply in love with my reflections, not because of my flaws and not despite them, but because this body is a gift, because beauty is the signature of all living thing, because I am a tiny piece of the universe; how can that not be beautiful?

    The more I’ve liberated myself from this programming, the more I’ve looked around at the women in my generation and felt a deep yearning to heal their pain.

    They, too, are carrying the burdens of this cultural programming on their shoulders, never realizing that they’re only suffering because they were taught to suffer. There is no good reason to hate our bodies, no matter how they look.

    There is no reason to spend our lives in this kind of desperate, self-hating pain.

    I think that self-acceptance is the modern-day revolution, because self-loathing is modern-day oppression. I honestly believe that each person who realizes his or her own beauty changes the world.

    I already know I’ve changed the world. I know because, one day, I’ll have a daughter who will watch me looking at myself in the mirror. And when she spies on me from behind the corner, as I once spied on my mother, she will not learn to be upset at her backside and to nitpick at her blemishes. She’ll learn to smile, look in her eyes, and greet her best friend.

    And that, more than anything else, is what really makes a difference.

  • From Loathing to Love: What Makes Us Feel Worthwhile

    From Loathing to Love: What Makes Us Feel Worthwhile

    Woman with arms open

    “Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~Unknown 

    My healing journey can be described through what I call the “self formula”:

    Self-Doubt > Self-Loathing > Self-Destruction > Self-Awareness > Self-Love

    Mine is the oldest story in the book. Adolescent angst. Mental deception. Physical revulsion. I feel fat. No, scratch that. I am fat. This girl in the mirror is ruining my life. Woe is me.

    Groundbreaking drama, right? How original of me to “feel fat.” Surely, you’ve never heard that complaint before.

    Except it wasn’t just a complaint. I believed every syllable of that negative mantra, blaring like a stadium sound system, from the darkest corners of my subconscious. I felt worse than fat. I felt worthless.

    If the adage is true that “we are our own harshest critics,” then I could’ve written a Doctoral thesis on Criticism of the Self: How Personal Insecurities Trigger Harmful Instabilities. Hey, that’s not half-bad for a title. Maybe I should have channeled my inner angst into writing.

    Or, at any rate, done something productive.

    But there was nothing productive about my response to those painful emotions. I suppressed them, denied them, allowed them to fester behind a tenuous smile and cool exterior. On the outside, I was this tough, unflappable spitfire. On the inside, I was wasting away.

    Quite literally, in fact. You see, I’d developed anorexia.

    A misguided soul, groping aimlessly—hopelessly—through this maze of self-perpetuated lies, I began to measure my own value based on physical appearance. It seemed easier to stifle the voices, ticking off my endless inadequacies, if I could just shed another pound. Or two. Or ten.

    But the more I pined for acceptance and validation in a superficial number on the scale, the deeper I sank into despair.

    My relationships suffered. My social life dangled by a thread. My self-esteem was nonexistent. And here’s the irony: in the midst of feeling utterly out of control, I still believed the solution was losing weight. A perfect body would heal the pain.

    It had to.

    There could be no alternative.

    So, I went to work. Sculpting muscle. Chiseling fat. Denying hunger. Training for the type of physique I hoped would bring me fulfillment. Ultimately though, I still came up short.

    You may be wondering: Did I achieve my objective? Did that sought-after moment of staring back at a slender reflection ever arise? Well, the answer is yes. It did. But it came without fanfare.

    Rather than basking in the glory of sleek thighs and toned abs, I gaped, horrorstruck, at the reality of this barely human shell trembling before me.

    Those hollow eye sockets, sunken cheeks, angular clavicles, sinewy arms, fragile wrists, protruding hips and ribcage, knobby knees—where did they come from? Who did they belong to? Surely not…me? But it was me. This waiflike frame I no longer recognized. She had my wounded gaze and plastered-on smile.

    My heart broke for her.

    My brain scrambled for answers. How could a person shift from vibrant to vacant seemingly overnight? Why was I just now noticing such a drastic transformation?

    And then I realized something. The missing link, which had eluded me for years, clicked into place.

    I could alter my exterior, but no “thigh gap” would compensate for the emptiness suffocating my interior. Therein lay the real problem. I couldn’t be satisfied because I wouldn’t allow myself to be satisfied.

    No wonder that image in the mirror felt bereft. Incomplete.

    My sense of “self” was incomplete.

    For the first time, I wondered: Who am I? I truly didn’t know. A lifetime of placing sole emphasis on outer beauty had conditioned me to discount inner beauty. Suddenly, the truth became glaringly obvious—I needed a fresh start, and a fresh set of priorities.

    Integrity of character trumps physical attractiveness. In theory, this concept is simple. So simple, in fact, that I utterly overlooked its implications. Had I not relied on fleeting “good looks” to bolster my confidence, I might have unearthed some actual substancebeneath the surface.

    Better late than never, though. Once I began digging, the discoveries revolutionized my entire perspective. Those misleading voices and nagging insecurities seemed meaningless. No more cowering behind a detached façade. The curve of my lips finally felt genuine.

    I became intimately acquainted with my unique qualities, talents, and quirks. Even imperfections. For instance, I’m OCD. I can’t sing. I trip over flat surfaces. I cringe at the sight of math equations. I laugh too loud and lack conversational filters. I use humor and sarcasm interchangeably.

    But I’m also witty. Intuitive. Compassionate. Artistic. A wordsmith. These traits are mine. They ignite a spark that makes me…well, ME.

    Once I acknowledged both my flaws and fortes, the burden of loathing lifted. A free spirit was born. Individuality embraced. Identity found.

    This healing process has introduced me to myself, which is, quite possibly, the most rewarding gift anyone can receive. As spiritual beings, created to desire purpose, direction, and significance for our lives, we need personal affirmation.

    We need to believe in our ability to thrive and survive this turbulent ride.

    Because, face it: when you feel powerless over any given situation, the innate human reaction is to focus the blame inward.

    Rather than admitting some circumstances are simply uncontrollable, you punish yourself for not being strong enough or smart enough or skilled enough to overcome whatever hardship has reared its ugly head.

    At which point, you cease being an active participant in your own life.

    Throughout the loneliest periods of my illness, I had no assurance of belonging anywhere. Like a gypsy, drifting from ghost town to ghost town, I was alienated from my daily realities. All because I lacked self-acceptance.

    If you don’t accept yourself, who will accept you? If you don’t belong with yourself, who do you belong with?

    The answer, of course, is “nobody.”

    And those are questions worth pondering whenever doubt pays an unwelcome visit. Consider this: when was the last time you eagerly sought the company of someone who radiated discomfort in their own skin? Not recently, I’d imagine. It’s like a “pity party” without an expiration date.

    Which is the exact unpleasantness you inflict upon your sub-conscious with every disapproving head-to-toe scrutiny.

    Until you embrace each facial contour, fold of skin, and mental idiosyncrasy that sets you apart from the crowd, you’ll never find contentment.

    ­

    But when you do, something incredible happens. That piercing “I’m worthless” mantra fades into a softer, gentler phrase…

    I am worthwhile.

    Woman with arms open image via Shutterstock

  • Are You Frustrated in Your Search for True, Unconditional Love?

    Are You Frustrated in Your Search for True, Unconditional Love?

    Love

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as true love, like in the good old movies of Casablanca or The Notebook? Maybe you’ve found your true love. Or perhaps you’re still searching.

    When I was a teenager, I was mesmerized by this dream that someday there would be someone who would love me so unconditionally that he would literally die for me. After all, you see that all the time in the movies.

    After the tangible basics of food and water, love is our most essential need for surviving and thriving as living beings. We first experience love through our parents when we’re young. This lays the basic foundation for our growth and journey in life.

    Since I was unable to recall being loved or shown any affection as a child, I held onto this dream that someday, somewhere, someone would truly love me. Subconsciously, this underlying desperate craving and desire for love drove all my relationships.

    I expected romantic relationships to fill a spot deep inside me where there was a colossal empty hole. Whenever I fell in love, my heart would open up totally and engulf the other with an ocean of love. But my love came with a condition, that they should and would love me back unconditionally.

    I’d asked my first true love once, “Why do you love me?”

    He replied,“Because you love me so unbelievably much, I can’t not love you.”

    That was my dream come true, or so I thought. I ended up marrying my true love, had three beautiful children, and committed diligently to a roller coaster ride of a nineteen-year marriage.

    My marriage of true love had intense polarities similar to my emotions and mental states. I would swing from divine happiness when he met my expectations to the crushing and wrenching of my heart when my needs remained unfulfilled.

    To avoid painful conflicts, I trended toward being accommodating and then slowly progressed into being passive and abject—just to make sure I would always have his love.

    We shouldn’t let another person or event define our sense of self and worth, for this places us into the role of the lesser or the victim. When we play that role, then obviously we will attract or sustain relationships that will mutually fulfill that role.

    This passive submission became quite natural for me, as my sense of worth was totally defined by my husband. I thought I knew he loved me, so I would do anything to maintain his approval and love.

    The dynamics of our relationship remained such over the course of our marriage until I started to heal from my childhood past and my true self started to emerge.

    Gradually as my true self of worth, esteem, and courage started to take shape, I started to look for respect and mutual understanding. This challenged my husband’s passive controlling role, and  we started to drift apart.

    Divergence toward opposite poles led to differences in values, interests, and wavelengths until our soul connection died a slow death and we eventually parted ways. I used to cry myself to sleep, alone, on most nights. My true love was not as real or lasting as I thought.

    Later, I met a beautiful African drummer who freed my spirit, as his music would touch and fill that colossal hole that was still there. His exotic, handsome looks and charming manners made me feel like I was the most important and beautiful woman in the world. Again, I poured my heart open and gave all my conditional love.

    In the early part of any relationship, we can be blinded to the true nature of the person if our internal lack and need form our filters of perception. We will only see what we seek to find, and the other will consciously or unconsciously reflect what we crave and need.

    As our relationship progressed, I started to see his true colors.

    My African god wanted me to marry him as a free ticket into my country as much as I wanted unconditional love in return. He played on my neediness for love by using demanding and chauvinistic behaviors to control me.

    I ended that relationship promptly and spent weeks nursing the pain and tears of a broken heart. Why was I not able to find someone to love me as much as I loved them? That was all I wanted in life, to be loved unconditionally.

    If we love from the place of lack, no person or event can ever fill that hole. Moving from one person to another might change the scene and scenario, but eventually the same conflict, issues, and imperfections will surface again.

    A few years later I went on a trekking trip to the Nepal Himalayas and fell in love with a mountaineer and his quiet strength.

    In him, I sensed the spirit of the mountains and the freedom of his soul. He carried within him the peace and calm that filled my colossal hole again. In him, I experienced tenderness and wholeness.

    He carried my photo with him to the summit of highest mountain in the world. No man had ever declared such extent of love for me. I was certain this was true love. But alas, he was a married man. So the only love that I thought was true love was not to be had.

    This was the most devastating pain since my marriage ended. I knew that true love simply did not exist, or if it did, I didn’t deserve it.

    In deep grieving I wept, curled up for days in bed, and slinked back into the hole of despair. Without love, this life was void. It was like breathing without air and living without a heartbeat.

    In the depth of that suffocating pain, my soul was stripped bare, and in that totally exposed and vulnerable state, I surrendered to life. In the total surrender, acceptance held me within the pain and hopelessness. And I slept.

    Over the days that followed, a peace emerged, and then as spontaneous as the sun can shine again after the clouds have moved, something shifted within me.

    I was already present there as unconditional love itself. Unconditional love for the imperfect me, the hurting, lost, unloved child; the desperate woman I had grown to be, who sought for the definition of my worth through everyone else but myself.

    I thought I would find it in another human being who would be the love of my life because I never had it from my parents. I craved unconditional love but I never loved unconditionally because I never knew it in myself.

    When I dropped the search and surrendered, it simply unfolded. I realized my true love had been right here all along, within me. It was me, in my purest form, when all my layers of pain and perceptions had dropped. There was no more hole, for I had found my true and divine love, and this love now overflows not from lack but from abundance.

    So if you’re still searching or wondering what true love is, know that it’s right here within you. It’s your purest essence—unconditional love for yourself and for others.

    Heart in clouds image via Shutterstock

  • The Most Important Thing to Ask Yourself After a Breakup

    The Most Important Thing to Ask Yourself After a Breakup

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    Divorce. Not an activity that I ever had on my to-do list and not something I contemplated when I got engaged in Paris. Who does?

    We’ve all heard the statistics that one in three marriages ends in divorce. Yet this is something that happens to someone else and certainly not a possibility to focus on while skipping down the aisle.

    People change or they don’t, as the case may be. Unless both parties are exceptional communicators, it can be challenging to stay on the same page as time passes. The meltdown of my relationship was such a surreal experience and not something that I could have prepared for.

    The vision of the future, with my husband playing a starring role, was completely shattered. All those plans, expectations, and assumptions were no longer relevant. That delightful man, once my best friend and lover rolled into one, was suddenly behaving like an unpleasant stranger.

    It was the shock of this new situation each morning that brought me back to the reality that the present moment is the only guarantee. That concept was no longer a platitude but something that was agonizing and raw. The feelings of failure and betrayal were overwhelming.

    Months of an avalanche of painful emotions brought me back in touch with deep self-inquiry. Yet another life experience to show me that the relationship with myself was the only guaranteed long-term relationship. Cliché as it sounds, the breakdown of my marriage was a breakthrough I’d been seeking.

    I was forced to examine where we had been applying a Band-Aid solution to cover some deeper problems. This grieving processing of letting go of this man cracked me open and forced me into deep vulnerability. It was time for me to bring the focus back to me and ask myself some big questions.

    Who am I outside of this relationship?

    What’s important to me?

    How do I suddenly stop loving him? (Is that even possible or necessary?)

    When did I become so out of touch with how I feel?

    How can I fulfill my own desires and potential?

    Is there anything in my life I have been putting on hold?

    What is best for me now?

    Some of the answers to these questions were extremely painful to acknowledge. In the eleven years we were together I had been so focused on whether or not he was happy that I had forgotten to focus on making myself happy, to a degree.

    A wise lady said to me, “Don’t worry about whether or not he’s fulfilling his potential. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you? That’s the only potential you can do anything about.”

    However, I will always be grateful to my ex-husband for this soul contract. Divorce was my doorway to enter into a sacred partnership with myself.

    It forced me into the unpleasant realization that I was very out of touch with my own needs.

    I felt unsatisfied in my career, unsure as to whether I wanted to have a child, and unclear about my direction. I was regularly frustrated by how indecisive he seemed and yet he was a wonderful reflection. 

    I was far too focused on him and it was a perfect distraction. His actions forced me to examine my own levels of denial about my part in our relationship.

    There I was, judging him for being dishonest, and yet I had not been honest with myself about being unhappy for a long time. How was that fair to him or me? We all know the answer.

    I share these insights in the hope that you do not wait until a health crisis occurs or a relationship ends before you create a more loving relationship with yourself.

    It is impossible to experience true intimacy with another if we are ignoring the needs of our own heart. How can we truly be with someone if we are avoiding ourselves?

    So often in our intimate relationships, we are focused on what the other will provide in terms of emotional support. It is easy to point the finger, blame them for being disappointing and letting us down. Yet, are we willing to commit to ourselves?

    Life is short and fragile, and we never know whether today is our last day. Bringing ourselves deeply back into our hearts allows us to choose our next steps from a place of self-love.

    Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself this important question: “What do I most need from me right now?”

    It can take time to recover from the end of a long-term relationship and readjust to these life changes. I spent a long time processing painful emotions that arose and sadness I felt while adjusting.

    There was deep self-reflection, even resulting in spending time at a retreat in Brazil. I stripped my life back to the bare essentials, withdrew from much socializing for a long time, and began to reacquaint myself with myself. I began to reinvest in the relationship with my own heart rather than seeking love from someone else’s.

    The more we nourish ourselves, the more able we are to share this love with others from a place of surplus and not deficit. This brings such freedom and joy, both to ourselves and others. Is it time for you to commit to self-love?

  • Marrying Joy: You’re the One You’ve Been Waiting For

    Marrying Joy: You’re the One You’ve Been Waiting For

    Marrying Joy

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    There had been other voices asking such questions as “How can this be happening?” and “When will this end?” that I understood: My partner was planning his honeymoon before our divorce was final.

    After the divorce, a voice asked a question I didn’t understand, “Will you marry me?”

    “Marry me” popped into my head at what seemed to me the least likely times: talking zip codes with my new mailman at my new home, passing strangers on the street, visiting old friends, playing with my toddler granddaughter, making new friends at parties, and seeing myself in the mirror.

    “Will you marry me?” would flash through my head and make me feel needy, as if I had been walking on a bridge that suddenly turned to sawdust. I forgot what I was thinking, what anyone was saying. I felt unloved and unworthy, and I was falling.

    If the person I had thought was my best friend for twenty-seven years could dump me, why would anyone want to be my friend, much less marry me? Why would anyone want to hire me? Then “Will you marry me?” led to me being fired for the first time in my life from the best paying job of my career.

    Being hired at that salary surely proved I was relevant and moving forward with my life. But I froze when “Will you marry me?” yelled in my head as my supervisor, who was the same age as my children, gave me the simplest instructions.

    I forgot how to edit, research, write, and even type. I stared blankly at him as I listened to “Will you marry me?” Of course I didn’t want to marry this kid or anyone else.

    The question began roosting on my headboard when I fell asleep and pecking at my eyelids when I woke. It tagged along, ambushing me all day until it was in the driver’s seat and driving me to the brink.

    Dumped, jobless, and joyless, I sat by a pond—that would have been the perfect place to jump in had it been full of piranha—and pondered the hounding “Marry me.”

    At first I dismissed it as my subconscious being desperate for stability and companionship, my longing to once again have the family circle that I thought we had created for a lifetime. Then I dismissed it as if the question were a bully taunting that no one wanted me.

    I told myself to stop it, just stop. Please. I gathered what few spiritual and gestalt resources I could and used the one that never failed to ground me. I breathed. In and out. In and out.

    I felt relief until a voice chastised me for not doing this sooner. I smiled at the thought and myself. The thought dissolved and I breathed, in and out. In and out. Sweet peace warmed me when that voice demanded, “Will you marry me?”

    I asked myself why I was hearing this question. Is this what I wanted someone to ask me? Or was I doing the asking?

    I breathed and waited. In and out. In and out. The answer came back that I was doing the asking. Okay, I was asking. I could accept that. But who was I asking? I hadn’t thought of anyone besides my partner in those terms for decades.

    I waited and breathed. In and out. In and out. In and out. A breeze rippled the deep-blue pond, wild jasmine perfumed the air, the light shifted, birds sang, and the hard ground I was sitting on grew harder before the answer came: “Myself.”

    Myself? I was asking myself to marry me? Really? That’s what this was about? My burst of laughter flung me back on the ground, which made the couple snuggling nearby look to see if I was losing it.

    I felt ridiculous and pathetic until it dawned on me what “Marry me” meant: I was begging myself to love me, to be my best companion, my worthiest friend, my most trusted love. When I hadn’t understood the question, the voice had asked more often and louder until I could hear nothing else.

    In that moment I wanted nothing but to be gentle with myself, to support myself, to compliment myself, to explore my interests, to travel wherever I most wanted to go, and to share my joy, charm, and grace with everyone.

    I felt pride for having tried to build a happy family and for having the courage to accept that chapter of my life was over, for better and for worse, and the strength to rediscover myself, for better or for worse.

    All the hurts, jabs, and bitterness fell away. I wanted to silence anyone—especially myself—who thought I was awkward and undeserving. I wanted to celebrate magnificent me.

    When I stood, I felt taller, straighter, as if my spine had grown by inches. I felt more love and more lovable than I had since I was a child.

    I walked around the pond, barely touching the ground as I recognized I was the person I had been waiting for my whole life, the person I could trust to make me happy, the person anyone would be lucky to have for a partner.

    Since the pond, I love to go to parties and concerts with friends or alone, to run into people I’d like to know better and join them for tea, to offer and accept invitations to dine, and to ask new and old friends to meet me for a film or berry picking or hiking or kayaking.

    And when I occasionally find myself at home alone on a Saturday night, when in the past I’d have been downtown with my partner and our friends, I delight in figuring out what I want to do. And my delight energizes my entire being.

    For the first time since I was a child, what I am doing feels right and sure. I have fallen in love with myself again, I delight in the minutes again, I enjoy my friends again, and I am aware of my many blessings again.

    Expecting full joy has opened my heart to more than I imagined, and the paths to pursue fullness have opened to me. Before, when I expected unhappiness to continue, it did.

    Most revealing about who I was, I realize that I never expected to experience such fullness as a single person. I thought my completeness depended on someone else.

    Now I know that what I’ve sought I’ve had all along, whether as a partner or single. I was just waiting for me to notice.

    Is being a single person my destination or part of my journey?

    Sharing this last chapter of my life with a magnificent someone else would be a beautiful bonus since I have married myself to the joy of simple awareness, of breathing in and out. In and out. Deeply.

    Men who are fully alive are beginning to appear in my life. One called last night. I’m breathing in and out.

    If you’ve also found yourself newly single, challenge your expectations about what you need to be happy, and then…

    Meet yourself.

    Fall in love with yourself.

    Bedazzle yourself with joy.

    Share your joy.

    Breathe in and out.

    Girl at the ocean image via Shutterstock

  • Mind Over Melodrama: 5 Lessons on Self-Awareness and Healing

    Mind Over Melodrama: 5 Lessons on Self-Awareness and Healing

    Healing

    “Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.” ~Julius Charles Hare

    In a few months it will be the two and a half year anniversary of my mental breakdown.

    I don’t really celebrate the date, partially because I don’t know it—it’s not the sort of thing that you remember to mark on your calendar—and partially because my entire life since then has been a celebration of what I began to learn that night.

    I began to learn about myself.

    It’s been a wild ride of healing, helplessness, forgetting, and remembering. Many times, I felt like giving up and running back to drugs and alcohol, but I didn’t.

    Many times, I felt like bottling my emotions or lashing them out onto the closest victim, but I didn’t. Many times, I felt disgusted by my reflection and compelled to stop eating again, just for a day or two, so I could feel the sick freedom of an empty stomach, but I didn’t.

    I guess after you almost kill yourself, you just can’t go back to being the way you were. There’s something in your mind that says, “No, that didn’t work for ten years, and it won’t work now.”

    Honestly, self-awareness saved my life, and I have no doubt that this simple, consistent practice is as essential as exercising and eating well. I like to dream sometimes about what the world would look like if we all committed to knowing ourselves, and it’s beautiful. It really is. We’re beautiful.

    Without further ado, here are five life lessons I’ve learned from two years of healing my mind and reconnecting with myself.

    1. Self-awareness is self-love.

    About two weeks after I broke down, I was flipping through stacks of old journals, feverishly looking for patterns. What I found amazed me: epiphany after epiphany that I needed to love myself, to be my own best friend, to treat myself better.

    Those epiphanies never translated into action until I was forced to look at my reflection, raw and real. When I saw her, I loved her immediately.

    You cannot love someone you don’t know. In the end, that’s why so many people in our society don’t love themselves, or each other. Not because they don’t try, but because they don’t know themselves.

    Once you find who you are—who you really are—self-love is not an option. And neither is unconditional human love, for that matter, because once you find that spark of magic inside of you that makes your heart beat, you find that magic in all of us.

    2. Believing all your thoughts is a dangerous thing.

    I used to believe everything I thought. For a while, my thoughts told me that I was fat and ugly. Believing them destroyed my confidence. Then, my thoughts told me I needed drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Believing them destroyed my body.

    One day, my thoughts told me to kill myself. Believing them was almost the last thing I ever did.

    As human beings, we have this amazing capacity to conceptualize, analyze, and create stories in our heads. That capacity can be used to build spaceships and save the world. That same capacity can be used to harm ourselves and others.

    It’s not that I don’t think toxic thoughts anymore. Sometimes, I still get anxious, fearful, and insecure thoughts just like anyone else. The difference is that I constantly observe and question what I think.

    I make choices about what I believe is true. And that makes all the difference.

    3. There is no quick fix (and you don’t want one anyway).

    When I was in elementary school, I tried praying for a few months. I wasn’t sure if God existed, but I was willing to give it a try.

    I said, “Dear God, please make me wake up tomorrow having lost forty pounds, with no pimples, and my stretch marks disappeared. If you do, I’ll start going to church. Okay, thanks. I mean… Amen.”

    Needless to say, it never happened. About fifteen years later, I’m telling this story to someone and they point out how, if that did happen, my life would have been much worse. Showing up to school suddenly forty pounds lighter is a sure-fire one-day ticket to being a “Freak” (much faster than just being forty pounds overweight).

    I was amazed. How could I not have seen this?

    Now I know; back then, I only wanted a quick fix because I wasn’t doing anything about my problems. We only crave miraculous, effortless change when we’re not helping real change happen.

    I used to tell myself stories about how I didn’t want to change because it would hurt too much. Honestly, healing has hurt more than I can possibly relate, but you know what? It’s not the same pain.

    The pain of enduring obstacles on a path that you’ve decided to walk is absolutely nothing like the pain of being trapped in a situation you have no plan to escape. Nothing hurts like helplessness and stagnation. That’s what we actually don’t want.

    4. People who adored your mask probably won’t like your authentic self.

    This just baffled me when it first happened. When I was self-destructive, rude, jaded, and fake, people couldn’t get enough. When I showed my vulnerable, inspiration-hungry, sparkly-eyed self, most of those same people recoiled in horror.

    My first months of healing, I spent alone in an empty room watching TED talk after TED talk eating chocolate chips right out of the bag. I was alone, but somehow, I wasn’t lonely anymore.

    Nothing is lonelier than being with people who don’t understand you. Those who love a person in a mask are wearing their own masks. They’re putting on a play for everyone to see—terrified of who they are underneath.

    A person who chooses to be authentic around the masked will always be rejected, because the masked reject that part of themselves.

    Don’t worry. There are authentic, open, loving people waiting to meet someone just like you in your raw, vulnerable state. They’re just waiting for you to get off that stage.

    5. You are the world’s foremost expert on yourself.

    For a long time, I was looking for someone to tell me exactly what to do. I’d read a book and it would have an inspiring idea, but then the implications of that idea would make me feel uncomfortable. Still, I’d try it on. After months of struggling, I realized it just wouldn’t fit.

    This happened again and again.

    I thought there was something wrong with me because other people’s frameworks didn’t fit me like a glove. It wasn’t until I started helping other people that I realized, they’re not supposed to.

    Other people’s words can inspire us, inform us, and, at best, give us valuable frameworks within which to place our experiences. But how we fill in those gaps and connect those dots—that’s still up to us.

    Self-discovery is supposed to be messy and confusing. You’re supposed to feel like no one has the answers for you, because they don’t. You have the answers. At most, you need a guide to help you find those answers, and even then, you always have the final say.

    —

    These five lessons all came to me as epiphanies at first, but I never stop learning them. These truths continue to come to me in different words and different forms, as I apply them to myself and others, as I forget them just to remember them again and again.

    It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, but I always know there’s a way out of any darkness and I know that, even if I forget, everything is going to be okay. And that makes it all worth it.

    Woman in Tree Position image via Shutterstock

  • What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    “Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

    If one more person told me to “love myself” I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

    What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way.

    About a year and a half ago, I almost died after a bad breakup. I had devoted so much of my energy to making the relationship work that I had completely neglected my own needs, and had given away my power and my responsibility for happiness.

    As I wrote about here, when I finally developed the courage to end an addictive and painful relationship, I had to live with the effects of lack of self-love.

    I struggled to eat, sleep, or continue my daily functioning. I spent every waking hour to myself, trying to understand how and why I had gotten there. I had to know, because whatever it was, if I did not attend to it, this was going to be the end of the road for me. I knew it.

    I made mixed media collages, journaled, watched The Notebook five more times, cried, and called up friends to keep me company while I ate my few bites each day.

    During this whole time, I found places in my story where I was not present to my own life, my body, or my spirit. I was just there. I found the places where I had abandoned myself and then gotten mad at the other person for not meeting my needs.

    The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap.

    It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about self-love.

    This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.

    I found that self-love is a not a destination; it’s a practice. Self-love is the foundation on which we build a happy life. Without self-love, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.

    Not sure what it looks like to love yourself? Here is what I’ve learned. Self-love is…

    1. Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain feel done with the crowd.

    2. Telling what is true for us, not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do.

    3. Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability.

    4. Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we use to impress others.

    5. Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy.

    6. Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the sexy, and the smelly—all of it—and appreciating ourselves as whole people.

    7. Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.

    8. Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.

    9. Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can’t change it.

    10. Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet.

    11. Using discretion when sharing our heart, self, and dreams with others.

    12. Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny.

    13. Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.

    14. Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego.

    15. Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.

    16. Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.

    17. Knowing how we’re spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.

    18. Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.

    19. Not labeling ourselves with others’ opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.

    20. Learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture our relationships, with ourselves and others.

    21. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes and not berating ourselves for making them. Instead, choosing to appreciate our desire to learn and grow.

    22. Refusing to seek permission or approval to be ourselves. Recognizing that we, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as who we are right now.

    And lastly, self-love is:

    23. Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals.

    No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.

    Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.

    From my heart to your heart…

  • The Benefits of Flying Solo: Why I Took Time to Myself After My Breakup

    The Benefits of Flying Solo: Why I Took Time to Myself After My Breakup

    “Don’t let past relationships ruin your future happiness. Scars remind us of where we’ve been, not where we are going.” ~Unknown

    I believe that the breakdown of relationships can lead to some of the most powerful lessons we learn in life.

    When someone who we’ve been close to suddenly steps out of our lives, it can leave a huge emotional void. It can conjure up feelings of loneliness, vulnerability, anger, sadness, fear, and hurt, and the natural reaction is to go on a desperate mission to fill that void.

    My relationship recently broke down. It was my choice, and though it was a difficult decision, I left it somewhat hurt but with an overall positive and empowered feeling. There has still been a void, though.

    Despite me feeling strong, independent, and grounded, it somehow left a need for me to seek male approval elsewhere to prove that yes, I could in fact do better than the man I just ended my relationship with.

    That I could “get back out there” and make the most of my new found single status, and better still, that this would be fun and all it meant was opening myself up to new opportunities.

    So I hit the town, and before I even began to unleash myself to the male species, I felt a massive sense of underwhelm. Something was missing. It wasn’t my ex-boyfriend, it wasn’t a man in general, and it wasn’t a lack of confidence or assurance. I didn’t feel damaged or vulnerable.

    What was missing was a connection to myself.

    The week that I made the decision to get back out there was the week that I felt in complete disarray and simply used the idea of dating as a distraction because I thought, well, that is what I should do.

    So, the following week, here is what I did instead:

    Thought about why I ended my previous relationship in the first place.

    Lack of respect and lack of being heard were two major factors. I wanted to be respected as an individual, so being an individual is what I needed to focus on.

    Made a list of my goals and values.

    The whole time that my relationship was causing me stress, I hated the way it distracted my focus from the things that really mattered—building my business, sleeping, indulging in my passion for music, and eating properly as examples.

    So it was important that I acknowledged that those were the things I needed to bring back into balance as priorities before someone else could even enter the picture.

    Got centered and connected with myself.

    I did this by meditating, reading, and opening myself back up to spiritual teachers. When I listened to my intuition, I discovered that I didn’t actually want to be out hitting up the town; I wanted to spend some quiet time inside and alone, reconnecting, being good to myself, and getting clarity on what I really want.

    People say that you shouldn’t spend time inside wallowing, but I think there is a definite need to spend this quality time alone before you even start thinking about dating.

    I did nice things for myself.

    Baths, candles, shopping, working out, eating well, sleeping, pampering—because although the main thing is to feel good on the inside, it certainly doesn’t hurt to feel great on the outside too! I also made time to work on my new business with a refreshed mindset.

    I forgave.

    Yes, he may have hurt me, but holding onto that makes the intent of finding someone “better,” who won’t hurt me even more prominent. This really isn’t the end goal.

    When you forgive, you let go, and when you are ready to move on, even if that isn’t in the not too distant future, you won’t be clinging onto that messy stuff from the past. You’ll be going into dating or a relationship with open and renewed energy.

    The end of relationships will always be hard, but they provide an amazing opportunity to realign with yourself. It made me really think about what I want from life, what I don’t want, the types of people I want to be around (and the ones I don’t!), and the kind of person I eventually want to be with.

    It’s great to get back out there and have fun, but honestly, when it comes to getting back into dating before you’ve had time to bring the focus back to yourself, people can spot it a mile off.

    When you get into that clear frame of mind where you’ve let go of all the bad energy from the past and when you’re content and striving toward your personal goals, you won’t feel the need to get back out there with such force. It will happen naturally.

    It’s a big ask to expect someone else to be solely responsible for our own happiness or self-worth.

    When we truly know that we don’t need someone else in order to feel happy, complete, or loved, we open ourselves up to the best kind of love someone else can give us.

  • How to Strengthen Relationships by Releasing Fear and Control

    How to Strengthen Relationships by Releasing Fear and Control

    “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

    When I was a young man I had an issue with relationships. Looking back now, it is easy to see that I had low self-esteem, though I could not see it at the time. Because of my low self-image and my neediness, many relationships that could have had a decent chance went by the way side.

    I developed a low-level anxiety about how much any girlfriend cared for me, which, in turn, became outright jealousy and resulted in controlling behavior.

    I would worry that my girlfriend was going to leave me for another man, and would then become aggressive, starting arguments. I would act out when she wanted to go out with her friends. If we went out together, I would fly into a rage when we got home if she had so much as glanced at other men.

    Of course, all of this behavior was about demanding, without explicitly saying it, that she demonstrated how much she loved me. This was because, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believed she did not.

    Ironically, the more she showed me she loved me, the less I believed her.

    So I became more controlling. I decided I was the victim and became moody, sulky, withdrawn, and passive-aggressive, yet again manipulating my environment to get the attention I craved.

    Negative attention was better than nothing. Yet if I lost all attention because of my behavior, I was okay with that. I would have preferred be alone and know I was right than be in a relationship and live with the fear that I was not good enough. But once I was alone again, I wanted a relationship to prove that I was lovable.

    My Fear

    I tried to control the fear that I was unlovable by controlling the person I loved. I even took to confronting men who I saw as a threat to us as couple.

    By threatening and controlling other men, I could control my girlfriend and thus control my own fear. It seemed logical at the time.

    As you may have guessed, it had the opposite effect. My attempts to control the women I dated ended up driving them away. Either they would end the relationship, or I would before they did. (It felt better to end it before they had the chance, proving the very thing I was trying to disprove.)

    Sometimes my behavior drove them toward other men. I made them feel so unsafe that the only safe way to leave me was to have some protection in the form of another man. Thus was fulfilled the ultimate in self-fulfilling prophecies.

    Then one day, after a lengthy period of learning and reflecting on the repetitive patterns in my relationships, I decided to grow up.

    I realized that I could not control my girlfriends and that trying to control them had the opposite effect. I also realized:

    • We have no control over others. In fact, control is often an illusion.
    • We can’t make someone love us by fearing that they won’t.
    • Fearing that someone may be unfaithful will not ensure that they won’t be.

    I realized that letting go of control was the safest option, for me and for everyone else. I also recognized that my fear was often greater than the things I worried about, and that I needed to deal with it.

    Lastly, I realized that I needed to learn to love myself and stop expecting others to do something I wasn’t doing for myself.

    As a result of some intense personal development work, I started to love myself. I started to acknowledge and appreciate my strengths and validate myself in the way I’d hoped others would; in turn, my fear subsided and has all but left.

    Now I choose to trust my girlfriend. I have no more control over her than if I chose to be suspicious, needy, and fearful. In essence, I am choosing to be happy. By choosing to trust her I remove the fear, let go of control, and start to enjoy the relationship for what it is.

    We can choose to live in fear or not—that’s something we can control. And we can also control if we choose to be miserable or happy. I chose happy.

    Photo by Emiliano Horcada

  • Why Self-Love Is The Key To Finding True Love

    Why Self-Love Is The Key To Finding True Love

    “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

    The moon was shining brightly that balmy summer’s night in the park. He’d arranged a meeting to “sort things out.” Little did he know I’d finally built the courage to walk away. And that’s exactly what I did.

    I was devastated but mostly relieved. Finally, I was free.

    For the longest time I’d craved his love. I needed his approval. I wanted the happy ending so badly.

    Why? I meant something when I was with him. I felt worthy and kind of secure.

    But I wasn’t. I’d given away all of my power. I was dependent on him to feel love.

    And he knew it, so he treated me however he wanted. For him it was a game, and every problem in our relationship somehow always came back to me.

    I was needy, insecure, and completely out of touch with who I was and what I really wanted. I’d sacrificed everything about me in an effort to try to please another being.

    He told me I wasn’t sexy enough, so I read book after book about how to be more feminine and alluring. He told me I was too quiet, so I went out of my way to be outgoing, happy, and bubbly. He told me I took up too much time, so I made other plans and disappeared for a while.

    He could have told me anything and I would have accepted it. There wasn’t an ounce of self-respect in my bones. My misery was born from this very fact.

    I’d let this happen for so long. It wasn’t entirely his fault. My neediness and lack of self-worth had created and perpetuated our problems. But for some reason that I can’t explain, that evening a spark had been ignited and I’d finally had enough.

    I’d reached my pain threshold. I was completely done with feeling miserable, doubting myself, and feeling disrespected. I was so over letting someone else control my decisions, emotions, and self-worth.

    I’d begun to love myself a little more than I loved him. A butterfly was emerging from the cold, dark cocoon I’d been hiding in my whole life. It felt new and scary but ridiculously empowering and liberating.

    In a moment of clarity a string of epiphanies melted my confusion:

    • Deep love comes from within.
    • I’ll never be satisfied just with love from someone else.
    • If I don’t authentically love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.
    • The way I treat myself shows others how I expect to be treated.

    That evening I vowed to put myself first and to be kind, loving, and generous with myself. This is the way I wanted to be treated. Out of self-respect and needing a fresh start, I walked away. From that point on it was my intention to live my life on my terms.

    It might sound selfish, but it was completely the opposite. And it eventually led me to the life-long relationship of my dreams.

    What’s The Real Impact Of Neediness On Relationships?

    I wholeheartedly believe that sharing the joys and wonder of life with another being who lights up your world is absolutely priceless. There’s nothing like it. It’s one of the greatest joys on Earth, and something every human being deserves to experience.

    But it’s extremely hard to find this happiness with another if you’re in a relationship with a need to be filled up by someone else.

    Being needy, insecure, and trying to gain approval and a sense of self-worth from your partner puts a huge amount of pressure on them, and it’s a major turn-off.

    It’s an unachievable task because feeling inherently loved and worthy comes from within. Not from your partner.

    An outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.

    An amazing relationship comes about when we own and appreciate who we are and completely accept the other person for who they are.

    So loving and putting you first is not selfish, it’s necessary. It’s imperative to creating the wonderful love and life we all desire. And let’s get something straight—loving yourself doesn’t deplete the love tank; it actually fills it up so we have even more to give.

    What Does Self-Love Really Look Like?

    It’s prioritizing your dreams and making an effort to do things that inspire and light you up.

    It’s saying no to things you don’t agree with or that don’t fit in with your plans.

    It’s deciding to spend time with people who support, encourage, and motivate you to be the best version of you.

    It’s owning your thoughts and opinions and refusing to be swayed in order to please others.

    It’s being gentle with and talking kindly and sweetly to yourself.

    It’s having the courage to try new things that you’ve always wanted to experience.

    It’s taking time out to nourish your mind, body, and soul—exercise, eating well, alone time.

    It’s trusting your intuition and honoring your own truth.

    It’s spending money on things that make you feel amazing while investing in your future.

    It’s daring to believe that you’re capable of achieving and creating the life you visualize.

    It’s choosing to see the good and refusing to let others bring you down.

    It’s gifting yourself forgiveness and accepting yourself for all of your beautiful and not-so-cool quirks and qualities.

    How Does Self-Love Create A Great Relationship?

    When we truly love and respect ourselves, we’re free from doubt and endless worry, so we trust our feelings and decisions. It allows us to be courageous and authentic.

    We begin to live from the heart and play a bigger, kinder, more generous version of life. We forget our self-imposed boundaries and dare to dream larger and wilder.

    We stop focusing on negativity and become present to the beauty and possibilities within and outside of ourselves. We realize how great our lives are and open the doors for gratitude to flow in abundance.

    We start to emanate happiness, confidence, playfulness, peace, and positivity.

    It’s electric and like a powerful magnet to others. Your ideal partner will be drawn to you like a bear fresh out of hibernation looking for his first meal.

    And once you find that special one, love will be easy.

    It’ll be natural. It’ll flow freely without judgment or pretense. It’ll inspire and nourish you. Your lives will be even richer, happier, and more vibrant than ever.

    And you’ll wonder why you didn’t take the time to fall radically in love with you just a little bit sooner.