Tiny Buddha

Tag: self love

  • How to Love Yourself and Break Your Relationship Patterns

    How to Love Yourself and Break Your Relationship Patterns

    “And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the sky.” ~Rumi

    I grew up believing love was conditional. My grandmother, as much as I adored her, was extremely controlling, and unless I met her high standards of behavior and gave her a certain level of attention, she treated me with coldness.

    Whenever she disapproved of my behavior, she would tell me, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” As if she had a switch she could turn on and off that stopped or started the flow of love from her heart.

    When I was in her good graces, she gave me the world.

    After my grandfather passed away, I provided her much support and attention. As such, she became very loving and generous toward me. Helping me pay off my credit cards, gifting me valuable pieces of her jewelry, praising me on my accomplishments. It felt amazing to be loved by her. But this kind of love based on conditions is not sustainable.

    Eventually I fell out of her favor, and the switch turned off once again. The flow of love stopped. This pattern continued until she passed away a few years ago.

    I do not fault her or claim to be a victim, as I understand she learned this behavior from her own mother, and it was passed down for generations. Even more devastating, she grew up in Nazi Germany, where her family was prosecuted for being Jewish. These are deep multigenerational wounds that need healing.

    As an adult I am aware enough to break this inherited cycle. I recognize how I have repeated this pattern in my own relationships.

    I am very nurturing and giving to others. This is my love language and it feels good to give. However, when a relationship ends or the flow of love stops, I feel those old emotional wounds resurface.

    When the love I attempt to give is rejected this causes me much pain and distress and makes me question my own value. I make it mean something about myself, as I did with my grandmother. That I’m not enough, worthy, or lovable.

    I have also withheld love and affection toward others when I have felt vulnerable or hurt. We mirror for one another the parts of ourselves we reject, the parts of ourselves that need healing.

    I’ve recognized that the only way to break my unhealthy relationship patterns is to work on healing my emotional wounds and develop love for myself.

    How can we cultivate self-love and change our relationship patterns?

     1. Become the observer.

    The first step to breaking down the barriers that impede self-love is through awareness of our thoughts. By observing our thoughts, we can begin to identify our own destructive patterns and shift our thinking. As Buddha said, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, and our actions become our life.

    So often we stand in our own way. By living in our own personal dramas. Through our stories and conditioned thought patterns. By our inability to see things as they actually are. So many of these barriers exist in our own mind.

    In order to become more aware of our thoughts we need to carve out space to simply be still and watch them. Meditation and mindfulness are powerful tools to develop awareness.

    If we want to take it one step further, we can write down the flow of thoughts, and from this space we can see the often-ridiculous nonsense our mind produces. The more space we have from our thoughts, the more we can find peace within ourselves and can choose where to direct our energy.

    2. Find ease in your aloneness.

    I find it extremely unconformable to be alone. I have this irrational need to be in constant communication with others, yet at the same time, when I feel I am being stifled or overwhelmed, I have an intense need to retreat and go within.

    Then often when I am alone the negative thoughts and questions of worth resurface. My mind replays all the ways I have failed in my relationships and in my life. I become sad or angry or hurt as I put energy into these thoughts. It’s a toxic dance with my own thoughts and emotions.

    There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is where we feel isolated and disconnected from others and from ourselves. Being alone is being comfortable enough with ourselves to sit still in our own presence. To quiet the mind and simply be present with our breath.

    When we find ease in being alone with ourselves, we can move from a place of self-love rather than a place of need or insecurity. The more comfortable we become with ourselves, the more ease we will experience in our relationships, which will be founded on an open flow of mutual love and acceptance.

    3. See the love all around.

    I often ask myself why am I so concerned about the few people who treat me unkindly when love exists all around and within me.

    There are many instances in my life where I have been rejected, and I dwell on these relationships for weeks; meanwhile, my best friend or my puppy or a stranger on the street is demonstrating love toward me.

    When we focus on what is lacking, it closes us off to the flow of abundance always available—the love demonstrated in nature, the love pouring from other relationships in our lives, the love that exists in our own heart.

    When we shift our focus from what is missing and see what is right in front of us, we develop an increased level of awareness and attract like situations, relationships and experiences. 

    4. Practicing presence, trust, and surrender.

    The more present we become, the less we live in our minds and the more we move with the flow of life.

    We can always choose a higher path of acceptance. When we find ourselves in a situation or relationship that is not in our best interest, we can choose not to take things personally or make it mean something about ourselves. We can have enough self-respect to walk away from a relationship or situation that is not healthy.

    Trust is letting go and allowing the beauty of life to flow through us. If we could trust our path like we trust our own breath, that with each exhale a fresh inhale will come and fill us back up again, then perhaps it would be easier to let go.

    Releasing attachment, for me, is a regular practice, which is why I tattooed the word “surrender” in Sanskrit on my ankle as a daily reminder.

    —

    One of my favorite books, The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr., tells the story of the Magical Kitchen.

    The story goes like this: Imagine you have a magical kitchen. You have so much abundance and amazing food to eat that you generously share with everyone. Everyone eats at your house because your kitchen is overflowing with nourishment.

    Then one day, someone comes to your door and offers you pizza for life. All you have to do in return is allow them to control you. What would you do? You would laugh and say, “I don’t need your pizza! I have a magical kitchen, but come in and enjoy the food I have to offer!”

    Now imagine you are starving, and your kitchen is empty. You haven’t eaten anything substantial for days. Now someone comes to your house and offers you the pizza. And you are so starving you accept it, allowing them to control your life.

    All of our hearts are like the magical kitchen, though we forget or get cut off from the abundance of love in our hearts. We accept relationships and situations that are unhealthy for us because we are starving for love and affection. All the while our heart has an eternal flow of love that asks for nothing. We are full of abundance, and once we rediscover this universal truth, we will never be hungry again.

    The most important relationship in our life is the one we have with ourselves. If we want to attract people and situations in our life that are healthy and based on mutual love and respect, then we must heal our emotional wounds, change our patterns, and love all parts of ourselves without condition. Only then can true love flow in our life and our relationships.

  • Self-Love Also Includes…

    Self-Love Also Includes…

  • For People Who Look in the Mirror and Cringe

    For People Who Look in the Mirror and Cringe

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

    When I was fourteen years old, I vividly remember the first time I put my fingers down my throat and made myself puke.

    I remember feeling fat, ugly, unworthy, and like I was not good enough. I felt as if I had no control and I was unable to effectively process the strong emotions I was feeling. Binging and purging allowed me to temporarily release these feelings, to numb them out, and created a fallacy of control in my life.

    From that day on, for the next twelve years of my life, I became consumed with food, weight, working out, and binging and purging.

    I measured my value based on the inches on the measuring tape, the letters on my clothes, and the numbers on the scale.

    I measured my self-worth on the severely skewed perceptions of beauty that I held.

    The way I viewed myself led me down a lifestyle of numbing my emotions with substances, putting myself in risky situations, and hurting the people I loved most.

    My self-hatred kept me blocked off, emotionally numb, and gave me a false sense of control in my life. I became adept at constantly wearing a façade of masks—smearing a smile on my face was second nature to hide the ugliness and shame that I felt in every pore of my body.

    And although over the years I have overcome my disordered eating, the battle with self-love continues. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to silence the constant push and pull from the internal thought patterns and dialogue that goes on in my head.

    The one thing that gives me some solace (and sadness) is knowing I am not alone.

    Because, no matter your age, gender, race, family make-up, or religion, the majority of us struggle with some sort of skewed self-image, negative self-talk, and self-limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in the perpetual cycle of questioning our worthiness.

    Although the stories we tell ourselves based on our personal life experiences, traumas, and joys are unique to us, they are collective to the human experience.

    This post is for anyone who looks in the mirror and cringes…

    Who cry as they measure their self-worth by the letters on their clothes, the numbers on the scale, or the amount of “likes” they get on social media…

    Who judge themselves for the jiggle of their bellies, the cellulite on their legs, or the wrinkles on their face…

    Who take out their perceived inadequacies on their bodies, harming it through their method of choice—substances, eating disorders, self-harm, risky behaviors.

    This post is for the women who are researching the next fad diet, fretting about the color of their roots, their wrinkles, or their weight as they contemplate spending their savings on cosmetic surgery trying to live up to society’s filtered expectations of how a woman “should” look.

    For the men who are measuring their masculinity based on the size of their penis, the look of their muscles, or the hair on their heads.

    For the transgendered and Cis community who feel trapped in a body that is not aligned with the essence of their true being.

    For the people who refuse to look in a mirror, fearful of what they may see.

    For the people who feel like they will never be good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough.

    I want you to know: You are beautiful enough. You are good enough. You are worthy enough.

    I know if you are reading this right now, you may be skimming over those words thinking “yeah, yeah.”

    But slow down and read them again.

    You. Are. Beautiful.

    You. Are. Good. Enough.

    You. Are. Worthy. Enough.

    No matter your age, size of your pants, number of dimples or pimples you have. No matter the size of your muscles, the hair on your head or the wrinkles in your skin.

    You matter.

    Your life matters.

    The world needs your essence. Your love. Your personality. Your spirit. Your uniqueness.

    In a world where we are inundated with an average of 6,000 to 10,000 advertisements a day telling us how we should look, how we should live our lives, and who we should be, in a world where social media is a filtered lens skewing reality, allowing only glimpses into the realities of others’ lives, it can be easy to add fuel to the fire of self-deprecating thoughts and feelings of unworthiness.

    What I learned from my personal struggle with body image, self-hate, and pure distain for every inch of my being, is that self-love is going to look different for everyone, and it is going to take time to undo the decades of self-deprecating self-talk.

    But it can be done.

    The rise of body-positivity and self-love movement is encouraging, yet it can also leave you feeling as if it is one more thing you are failing at because you just can’t bring yourself to fully embrace those lumps, bumps, tiger stripes, pimples, and dimples just yet.

    Through my experience I have found if you start small and give yourself grace and compassion you can start shifting your mindset around how you view yourself. Below are the steps I took in my journey that you may find helpful for your own journey.

    Do the deeper work.

    Begin to understand how your subconscious mind and self-imposed limiting beliefs from your personal experiences are keeping you stuck. Neuroscience shows us that we can reprogram our subconscious beliefs. Start being the scientist of your life and figure out where these feeling come from so you can start becoming aware of them. The first step in changing any habit/belief is awareness.

    Start small.

    Focus on the features you love about yourself. The first body part I started liking was my fingernails. Yes, my fingernails. But as I got used to saying I loved my fingernails I moved on to other body parts and kept the snowball going.

    View your body as your partner, not your enemy.

    This body does so much for you day in and day out. Shift into a perspective of gratitude for all the amazing things it does. Those thighs help you walk, that belly processes nutrients to fuel you, those wrinkles are proof of years of love, life, and wisdom. Start using the holistic healing powers of your breath. Begin partnering with your body on how you can help each other.

    Do an inventory of your strengths.

    If this is hard for you to do, then reach out to someone you love and ask them to tell you, in writing, what they love about you or see as your strengths. Seriously, this is scary. I get it because I did it. And I am so grateful I did. I reached out to three of my closest friends and family members and asked them what they saw in me. I did this over eight years ago and still have these letters taped in my journal so that I can read in times when I cannot see what they see.

    Consciously choose to focus on what gets you excited in life.

    It is so easy to waste our valuable time comparing our lives to others, focusing on what we hate about ourselves, or getting stuck in the perpetual cycle of negative self-talk. Instead, consciously choose to chase your curiosity.

    Have you ever set intentions for your year or your life? Setting intentions is one of the most powerful tips I adopted when I began my self-love journey, as it allowed me to focus on the bigger picture of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to show up each day, where I wanted my life to go, and what my definition of happiness truly looked like.

    Can you imagine how much passion, happiness, and love we would exude into the world if we were able to switch out the time we spend putting ourselves down into building ourselves up?

    We would change the world.

    You truly are so much more powerful that you know.

  • Why You Should Love Your Imperfect Self

    Why You Should Love Your Imperfect Self

    “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.” ~Lucille Ball

    If you were to ask me ten years ago what self-love meant, I would’ve probably said something general like “being happy.” But self-love goes way deeper than that; it involves accepting the past versions of yourself and your present challenges, while giving yourself credit for how far you’ve come.

    While we may have an idea of the “perfect person” we want to be, sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we forget to appreciate who we are right now. The notion that we won’t be the ideal version of ourselves until we are the ‘right’ weight, have a certain job, or overcome all our personal issues is not serving us.

    For years I struggled with my weight and what my “perfect body” would look like. Years of being called fat and being bullied in elementary school had instilled in me that I wasn’t enough.

    Even though I was too young to know I wasn’t going to be this way forever, I started a cycle of self-hate.

    At around ten years old I was already obsessed with my weight, taking weight loss supplements behind my mother’s back and dreaming of the day I could finally be skinny. The cycle eventually led to binge eating and even more weight gain.

    Every time I was able to go a day without eating, I felt powerful, invincible, but this was quickly followed by shame and guilt when I gave in—and I would punish myself by repeating the same cycle. Over and over.

    Looking back at my life now, I wish I could’ve just told the younger version of myself to let go of my own expectations and enjoy the innocence of youth.

    Self-love is forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes, giving ourselves credit for what we have done, and finding comfort within ourselves during dark times.

    I suspect we’ve all been so hard on ourselves for not living up to our own expectations (or others’) that we’ve forgotten to enjoy who we are in the moment. But only the present moment is promised. We don’t know where we will be tomorrow, or if we will even be here.

    So, instead of getting too caught up on your past versions, realize that you are the best version of yourself you can be right now. And then commit to loving yourself as you are. Why?

    The world deserves all of you—just as you are now.

    This is the only guaranteed moment we have. It doesn’t matter if you made a mistake in the past because dwelling does not serve you in the now. Your family, friends, and spouse deserve the authentic you that isn’t tainted by doubt, insecurities, or past mistakes. Allow self-worthiness to flow through you and let go of the idea that you aren’t enough. You are. Flaws, weaknesses, and all.

    If you don’t love yourself, you’ll settle for less.

    When we don’t love ourselves, we tend to settle for less from others and life because we don’t think we are worthy. We figure that since we can’t even live up to our own expectations, we shouldn’t have expectations for others.

    So, we give in, saying yes more often than we should. We accept relationships that add no value to our lives and do things that aren’t in our best interest. Self-love teaches us that we don’t have to make huge sacrifices just to please other people or accept anything that doesn’t serve us.

    You are valuable.

    I’ve had many situations in my life that made me feel less than. I’ve compared myself to others and felt I would never be as important as them. However, feelings aren’t facts. Just because someone may have more, or may have done more, that doesn’t mean their lives are worthier than yours.

    We can learn to accept that others might be more fortunate and accomplished than us, but we still have something to offer to the world. We all have strengths, skills, knowledge, and ideas. And for many of us, our strengths come from our struggles, which means we have something to offer because we’re imperfect. So forget about what everyone else is doing and recognize you are capable of more than you realize.

    You need self-love to break the cycle.

    It may be hard to break deeply engrained habits, especially when they stem from trauma, but with self-love, change is possible.

    For me, the cycle of binge eating resulted from wanting to be a perfect version of myself. I lied and told myself that next time would be different, but next time was the same as the last because I was always so hard on myself. It wasn’t until I started being kinder to myself that I finally broke the cycle because I was able to forgive myself for a setback and get back on track instead of acting on my guilt and shame.

    What is the cycle that is holding you back in life? Can you be kind to yourself when you struggle so it’s easier to break it?

    —

    Self-love isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s ugly, it’s crying yourself to sleep some nights, it’s accepting some of the trauma from your past, but it’s worth it. You are the only version of yourself that you have. You don’t need to sacrifice who you are in the present moment to fulfill an idea of who you should be. Everything you need to be, you already are.

  • 10 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Happy Relationship

    10 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Happy Relationship

    “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    When I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship with a man who abused me emotionally and psychologically for many months.

    It turned out I was his first serious relationship, and this had often made him feel overwhelmed and insecure. He didn’t feel “good enough” for me or deserving of my love. Ironically, we’d both suffered from low self-esteem but had shown it in completely different ways.

    During my time with him I often felt insecure, stupid, unattractive, and utterly unlovable. That dysfunctional relationship stripped me of much of my self-esteem, and damaged my faith in human nature.

    But in hindsight, my ex did me a big favor. My experience with him made me, for the first time in my life, give serious thought to what I wanted from a future relationship and partner, as well as how to strengthen my self-esteem and confidence.

    I read as many books as I could on self-confidence, self-love, healthy connections, and boundaries (there was no Internet in those days). I learned how to meditate and trust my intuition, and I stopped being a people-pleasing pushover who put everyone else first.

    As a result of what I learned, I created the following ten relationship rules for myself, which I believe are essential for strong self-esteem and loving long-term relationships.

    1. No relationship can flourish on love alone.

    No amount of love for my ex-boyfriend could alter the fact he treated me badly and his behavior toward me was destructive. Love alone was not enough to salvage our relationship.

    In order for a relationship to survive and thrive, it needs trust, respect, attention, kindness, patience, empathy, commitment, communication, understanding, mutual liking, loyalty, compromise, and security. And you need a partner who is also willing to work at nurturing the relationship.

    All relationships require work and effort; there are no exceptions. Love is an essential part, but it does not conquer all. You can love your partner with all your heart and still end up in a relationship that is damaging and dysfunctional.

    Love alone can’t turn a bad relationship into a good relationship, and you can’t change an abusive person into a loving, respectful partner if they don’t want to change.

    2. Self-love is never selfish.

    Most of us have been conditioned to think self-love is selfish or conceited, but in reality there’s nothing further from the truth.

    The most powerful relationship you’ll ever have is your relationship with yourself. Other people may come and go, but you’ll always have yourself, so it’s vital to like and love the person you are.

    I discovered that when I’m more loving and compassionate toward myself, my capacity to love others in a more selfless and caring way increases. I no longer crave love or acceptance from other people.

    When you feel good about yourself, you treat others well. Looking back, I realize my ex-boyfriend didn’t like, let alone love, himself very much.

    The only person who can give you self-love is you. You don’t need anyone else’s permission, only the willingness to be more compassionate and attentive to yourself and your needs. To do that, you need to identify your needs—spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional—and then prioritize them. Even when other people have conflicting wants.

    3. Perfection doesn’t exist.

    Movies, magazines, and social media all have a lot to answer for when it comes to creating unrealistic expectations of a “perfect” relationship, partner, and life.

    No relationship, even between “soul mates,” is perfect because perfection doesn’t exist.

    We do our partner a great disservice when we expect them to complete us, read our minds, understand all our feelings, fulfill all our social needs, always be romantic and passionate, and always make us happy. Such pressures are all too often unbearable.

    And we do ourselves a great disservice, and make ourselves miserable in the process, when we demand “perfection” in everything we do, or how we look or live our lives.

    4. Kindness always counts.

    Acts of kindness, no matter how small, always have an impact. They always make a difference.

    One day, at the end of my relationship with my ex, my then manager found me crying in the restrooms at work. After coaxing me to tell her why I was so upset, she gave me a hug and sent me home for the rest of the day. It was precisely what I needed at the time.

    I’ve never forgotten her kindness, and now I consciously try to be as compassionate as possible in my daily life.

    Kindness reminds us of our shared humanity, our innate need for other people, and our sense of connection to everything around us, especially our loved ones. Our actions count. We count.

    When we show kindness to others, we are also showing kindness to ourselves because our acts of compassion resonate within us. The positive energy, good karma, whatever you wish to call it, is good for us; it makes us feel better about ourselves.

    Whenever possible, choose kindness. Be kind to your loved ones, friends, and colleagues even when they are driving you crazy. Show kindness to strangers. Be kind even to those who have hurt you. It will benefit you in more ways than you can imagine.

    5. Love is meant to be shown.

    No one likes to feel they are unappreciated or taken for granted in a relationship. I know that only too well from personal experience.

    We can’t just assume that our loved ones know how important they are to us, so it’s vital to show them in words and actions.

    Say “I love you,” praise them, and give them compliments. Show your partner how much you appreciate them. Express your admiration for them to other people too.

    Take a genuine interest in their interests. Celebrate their successes and comfort them when they’re upset. Say “thank you” often and “sorry” when necessary.

    Life is short, so show your love for others without embarrassment and don’t forget to show yourself love too. (Remember, self-love is never selfish.)

    6. You’re different but always equal.

    You and your partner are two unique individuals in a relationship, both different but always equal.

    It does not matter if one of you earns more money, is older, stronger, healthier, or more educated—you both deserve equal levels of respect and an equal say in your partnership. You are both equally worthy.

    Respectful compromise is vital, as is give and take. An equal relationship offers us a safe, loving place to grow.

    Just as you are both different, all relationships are different. Don’t waste your time comparing your unique relationship to other people’s unique relationships. Your relationship doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s; it just needs to work for you.

    7. Communication is key.

    One tactic my ex used when I tried to express a matter that was important to me was to laugh at me, mimic me, or declare I was wrong, crazy, stupid, or paranoid. His verbal bullying was a way to not only belittle me but to also deny me my voice, my right to be heard.

    A lack of effective communication causes resentment, arguments, and misunderstandings among even the most loving couples. A healthy relationship requires that both partners listen to each other and communicate in a respectful way.

    When we listen to our partner, we must focus our full attention on what they are saying, and not interrupt them or hastily respond with our viewpoint, blame, criticisms, or anger. Anger always clouds our judgment and can make us say hurtful things we later regret.

    Instead, we need to first pause to digest what they said, see their perspective, and then consider our response.

    It’s important to remember that you and your partner are a team, not combatants.

    Of course, you can only control yourself, and just because you listen fully and focus on understanding and compromise, that doesn’t guarantee they will as well. But most people are more apt to open their minds when someone has offered them the same courtesy.

    8. Boundaries are meant to protect your well-being, not close off your heart.

    My relationship with my ex clearly revealed to me my inability to set effective boundaries. I let him walk all over me, which worsened my already fragile self-esteem.

    As I mentioned before, partners work as a team in healthy relationships, and teams work best when there are clear boundaries—when both people clearly communicate what they’re comfortable with and say no when they need to. The intention of setting boundaries is not to close off your heart or limit your love, but to ensure there is respect and greater understanding.

    You need to first recognize and understand your feelings in order to set boundaries and realize when those boundaries are crossed. Vague or unrealistic boundaries can alienate you from your partner, which is why you must be clear so no misunderstandings arise.

    What do you like or dislike? What are your preferences? Where should the line be drawn and what actions would cross that line?

    You must think about how to please yourself too, not just other people. It is your right to say no as much yes, and voice your needs.

    Boundaries don’t lessen your love, but serve to protect you from situations that threaten your love, feelings, and well-being. Partners who respect each other’s boundaries ask permission first, take each other’s feelings into account, show gratitude, and respect differences.

    9. The most precious gift is time (and attention).

    All too often we give our precious time to things, tasks, and people that don’t enrich our lives. We work overtime every day instead of going home to our loved ones or we spend hours on social media instead of talking to our partners.

    When we give time to our loved ones, we show them clearly that they matter to us. When we spend time on our relationship, we show that we value it and our partner.

    In the same way, when we give time ourselves, we reinforce that we matter. Whether we enjoy a hobby, sleep, or read a book, it’s time well invested. Self-care always needs moments of solitude and reflection. We all have the right to spend time alone.

    When the time comes to look back on our lives, we are likely to regret working long hours in a job we didn’t like, or people pleasing those who did not care for us or appreciate our efforts. We will never regret the moments we spent with our loved ones and friends, doing things we enjoyed, or moments spent taking good care of ourselves.

    Choose wisely who and what you give your time and attention to; it really is the most precious gift you have.

    10. Forgiveness opens our hearts.

    Grudges, regrets, and resentment poison relationships and lives. They steal our present moments and keep us imprisoned in the past. It takes more energy to be angry and full of resentment than to forgive, and that energy is damaging and toxic.

    None of us can change our past experiences, but we can change our perception of them. When we choose to see our past hurts, betrayals, and mistakes as valuable learning tools, we’re better able to forgive others as well as ourselves. Forgiveness is incredibly empowering and it frees us to focus on the present moment.

    We really do forgive for our sake, no one else’s. It is an act of strength and an essential part of healing because it releases our pain and, crucially, releases the hold the experience once had on us.

    When my ex turned up unexpectedly several months after we split up seeking reconciliation with me, I of course refused but I also forgave him and wished him well.

    Our conversation that day was an important part of closing that chapter of my life and moving forward, and hopefully it was the same for him too.

    I was determined to not let my relationship with my ex cast a shadow over the rest of my life, and instead wanted to learn from it so that I wouldn’t repeat the same patterns in the future.

    And I succeeded.

    Today I have strong self-esteem and know how to set healthy boundaries in my relationships. I’ve been happily married for many years to a wonderful man who believes in these ten rules as much as I do.

    And that’s made all the difference.

  • Love Yourself, on Valentine’s Day and Always

    Love Yourself, on Valentine’s Day and Always

    “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” Brené Brown 

    Growing up I watched my grandparents’ relationship with longing. They anticipated each other’s needs, they did small loving gestures for each other every day, and they put the other first without resentment. I longed to have a relationship like theirs one day and meet someone who understood me the way they understood each other.

    In contrast, I observed the relationship between my parents. My mother was constantly in a state of panic trying desperately to please my father. Her actions were always met with contempt and criticism, and her pleas for attention and affection were ignored.

    He never anticipated her needs or cared about what she wanted. He did whatever suited him, he said whatever he thought, criticized and complained constantly, rarely helped around the house, except for cooking, which he loved, and he always got his way in the relationship. I did not want a relationship like that and the thought of becoming anything like my mother repulsed me.

    When we are raised in a toxic environment we are often not taught how to love and value ourselves. We are not taught to stand up for ourselves or develop healthy boundaries with others. As a result, we are drawn to abusive and/ or toxic relationships because this way of being treated feels normal.

    Throughout high school and university, I attracted a string of relationships that reflected my upbringing.

    I formed friendships with people who used me and discarded me, who expressed their opinions, views, and values but could not care less about mine. I had employers who did not value me, and I acted passive and eager to please because I had been taught that this was the only way to be liked and valued.

    I attracted romantic partners who abused me verbally and physically and treated me the same way my father treated my mother.

    The people in my life would say things to me such as “I will love you if…” “I will treat you better when…” “I will only care about what you have to say if and when…”

    These statements were familiar, so I accepted them without question, but I was trapped in a cycle of abuse and self-loathing. A cycle that was hurting me and holding me back from becoming the person I was meant to be.

    I have learned that you cannot expect another person to love, respect, or value you if you do not love or value yourself. If you do not love yourself, you fail to uphold healthy boundaries that protect your dignity and personal value and you allow others to define you in ways that are demeaning and self-serving.

    For me, self-love stated by discarding old narratives that others had told me for years. I was not worthless or incompetent. I was not defined by the grades I did not get in high school or the mistakes I made while I was learning new skills. I was not lazy. I was not going to come to a sad end or be a burden to society. I was going to do great things with my life. I was going to thrive!

    If you were raised in a toxic environment you likely were taught that self-love is narcissistic, that being aware of your own needs and putting those needs first is selfish and wrong, and that you should continue to sacrifice yourself for the good of others who matter more than you.

    What you need to remember is that these words were likely said to you by people who benefited from your self-sacrifice and self-hatred. There is nothing wrong with expressing your own needs, wants, and desires or setting and achieving goals that would allow you to lead a full life. You become your best self when you do these things and you are better able to help others in a meaningful way.

    Once I started to love myself my life began to transform. I started to set healthy boundaries with people, and the relationships in my life began to change. People who were in my life to use me as a tool fell away, and although I was sad to lose these so-called friendships I began to attract reciprocal relationships. In social situations, I was listened to and my opinons were respected and valued for the first time in my life!

    I began to get a clear picture of what my goals and needs actually are, and I started to understand myself in a way I had never done before.

    When you grow up with abuse in any form you are not taught who you are. Instead, you are given a self-serving, subordinating narrative of yourself by the abuser that reflects who they are and serves their own selfish needs. If you hold on to this narrative, you can never be fully you or live up to your potential life because you are forced to be blind to your own needs and strengths.

    Once I consciously choose to let go of the past narratives of others, I was free. This did not mean that I was blind to my shortcomings or that I felt entitled, arrogant, or self-important. It meant that I embraced my strengths, was compassionate with myself when I made mistakes, I was aware of my needs, and I gave myself permission to rest and reflect when I needed it.

    I have learned that self-love is a process. For me, that process involved writing down what I like about myself, my past accomplishments that I am proud of, what I am good at, what I need in relationships and work environments.

    It meant having the courage to walk away from relationships with people who do not respect me including members of my own family.

    It involved setting myself up for success and happiness by building on my strengths while allowing myself to grow.

    I got my masters, started my Ph.D., joined a competitive swim team, and helped my students and friends in meaningful ways and formed meaningful relationships with like-minded people. I took risks that have led to rewards I could never have imagined. My point here is not to brag but to illustrate that I had I not learned to love myself, I would not have been able to accomplish these things.

    Let go of narratives that no longer serve you, do what you love, believe that in your abilities, and know that someone will love you for you! Self-love is a choice and one I hope you will choose on Valentine’s day and always.

  • If You Want a Healthy Relationship, Value Yourself

    If You Want a Healthy Relationship, Value Yourself

    “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.” ~Eartha Kitt

    I always found the concept of self-love embarrassing and horrifying. Just thinking about it would make me cringe. It felt completely wrong, and I didn’t understand what it was all about. Quite frankly, I felt disgusted by it and thought it was a new-age invention by self-centerd people who wanted to have more opportunities to be selfish.

    Sure, I was young then, but I can now also see how that reaction reflected the truth about the absolute absence of self-love in my life.

    At that time, I was not aware that my lack of self-love affected many other areas of my life.

    I particularly struggled in my romantic relationships even though that was the area I most valued and focused on. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than a loving and fun relationship.

    I wanted someone to make me feel loved, safe, and happy. I wanted to have an amazing life with someone else, but I couldn’t see that happening by myself. Every time I experienced difficult feelings or low moods, I felt disappointed, silently angry, and resentful because I blamed my partner for causing my unhappiness.

    I blamed them because, in my eyes, they let me down. If they did a better job at being a supportive and loving partner, I would be feeling better, right?

    And so, at first, I tried to change and fix my partners. I tried to get them to give me the relationship I didn’t give myself.

    Obviously, I didn’t know this then. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as being in a relationship with yourself.

    Most people I speak to don’t know this either. It’s not something we usually consider or are taught at school. And so, we live like we don’t matter. We don’t pay ourselves any attention and we try to get from others what we do not give to ourselves: a sense of worth, validation, consideration, and love.

    I lived like that for the majority of my life.

    I didn’t realize that I was in a relationship with myself. I didn’t know that that was even a thing. I definitely didn’t know that the relationship I have with myself informs the quality of all my other relationships.

    And so, I struggled through my relationships and endured experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had loved and valued myself.

    I struggled with the pain and desperation of unmet needs but failed to see that I could give myself what I wanted and needed. By being blind to this, I made myself depend on those around me, which usually didn’t end well. Codependency ruled and ruined my relationships.

    While recovering from codependency, I had many realizations that paved the way for developing an honest sense of self-worth. The notions of self-love I previously rejected so much now come naturally. They just make sense.

    And so I want to share with you some of the realizations I’ve had that helped me improve my relationships, feel good about myself, and fall in love with life, in the hope that you can see how the relationship you have with yourself directly impacts how you relate to others.

    Your Sense of Self-Worth Determines Your Relationship Standards

    If you don’t like and love yourself, you don’t value yourself, so you’ll have low standards for how you let people treat you. We simply don’t protect and take care of what we don’t hold in high regard.

    The way you treat yourself and how you let others treat you shows you how much or little you really value yourself. So notice the standards you set. Notice what you tolerate. This will tell you whether or not you value yourself if you are unsure.

    Noticing that this is something you can practice in your relationship. It’s an ongoing exploration that a partner can also help you with by providing feedback on how they see you treat yourself.

    If you want to learn how to treat yourself better, think about how you treat something or someone you value and truly appreciate. Then begin to set healthy standards for how you treat yourself and what behaviors you accept from others.

    For example, notice when you choose to go without something you want or need, and make a different choice. Find a solution for how you can give it to yourself. Be proactive when it comes to pleasing yourself or supporting yourself.

    Or, if someone is talking to you in demeaning and disrespectful ways, remind yourself that this is no longer acceptable because you now protect what you value: you.

    Your Level of Self-Care Impacts Your Well-Being

    So far, we have established that we take care of what we value. Your self-care is therefore an expression of what you believe about yourself.

    I am quite blunt about the absence of self-care and call it self-neglect.

    If you fail to take care of yourself, you give your partner a neglected version of yourself, which certainly impacts your relationship negatively.

    It may also put pressure on your partner to take on your responsibilities. Their rescuing tendencies may be activated, and you’ll co-create an unhealthy victim-rescuer or parent-child dynamic. You may feel too depleted to go out, take part in activities, or have fun.

    It is absolutely vital for you to take care of yourself. It’s not only for your benefit, so you’re in a position to actually enjoy your life and being in a relationship, but also benefits everyone around you.

    Remember this the next time the “self-care is selfish” thought swirls around your head. It’s completely untrue. You deserve your own time, attention, and care. It’s healthy and it’s necessary.

    Others Cannot Fill the Void You Create

    When we neglect ourselves, we deprive ourselves of what we need: attention, consideration, care, support, reassurance, connection, encouragement, and love.

    We then tend to look toward others to provide it for us. We mistakenly believe that the pain we experience is something only they can soothe or heal.

    I guess that’s true if we don’t do it for ourselves. The problem is that others cannot do it for us. They cannot fill the void we create by depriving ourselves of self-care.

    Other people can support us and boost us from time to time, but they simply cannot do it for us because their efforts meet a void and simply disappear into insignificance.

    When we don’t like ourselves, we don’t understand why others like us. When we don’t like how we look and someone compliments us, we don’t believe them. We think they’re lying to us or they are just being nice.

    When we don’t love ourselves, we cannot receive anyone else’s love because we don’t trust it. We don’t believe it. It doesn’t match with what we believe about ourselves, and so our brains reject it. It doesn’t feel safe and all of a sudden, our relationship becomes fear-based.

    Neglecting ourselves and expecting our partner to do our job for us is the biggest relationship killer. It sets us up for endless disappointment and feeling unloved because another person does not have access to what you have access to—your inner self—and therefore cannot meet your specific needs in the way you need them to be met.

    You Are Not Emotionally Safe for Yourself

    All relationships require emotional safety. It allows us to express ourselves honestly, openly, and authentically. We know that our partner gives us space to simply be and express who we are in that moment and to respond lovingly.

    When we don’t value ourselves, we don’t respond to ourselves. We deny what we feel, want, and need. We make ourselves not matter in our own lives. We may put others’ needs above our own and often, we may not even know what we want or need.

    This is a sign that we lack emotional safety within our relationship with ourselves.

    It is not safe for me to tell myself that I want something when I am being ignored, judged, or shamed for it. It is not safe for me to be vulnerable and open up to myself when I am being told to go away, avoid my feelings and desires, or that someone else is more important than me.

    The problem is that by not being emotionally safe to myself, I cannot be emotionally available to others because I simply cannot go there. I cannot be honest and vulnerable. I cannot open up to another person if I don’t open up to myself. I cannot share what I am too afraid to see.

    And so, not being emotionally safe and available to myself means that I put a limit on how deeply I can connect with my partner, which will negatively affect the level of intimacy we can develop and experience. Intimacy needs openness and emotional connection and cannot exist without emotional safety.

    I Am Co-Creator of My Relationships

    Relationships don’t just randomly happen to us. We co-create them. We are always in a relationship—even if it’s the one we have with ourselves.

    And it’s the one we have with ourselves that informs all others. I get that we are all conditioned to look for “The One” and to believe that there is a person out there that will heal us and make everything better for us.

    So it can feel like a huge loss to be told that you need to learn to look after yourself to have the relationship you want. It can feel like an impossible task, especially when you believe that you must learn it all before you’re in a relationship.

    I believe that we learn as we go along. We learn through and from our experiences and adapt our behaviors and decisions accordingly.

    I don’t advocate relational deprivation to end codependency or to improve the relationship you have with yourself. I support every individual’s choice and understand why recovery requires many to be and stay single. It is quite possibly the least complicated way to start over.

    It is also possible to learn to like and love yourself within a relationship and have that relationship change and improve as a result of your transformation because, after all, you co-create it.

    The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all the other relationships you have in your life.

    The good thing is that you are in charge of that now. You have the power and you get to choose how you treat yourself.

    Will you continue to deprive, neglect, or abuse yourself? Or are you willing to truly change your life by changing how you relate to yourself?

    The choice is yours and yours alone.

    Say “yes” to love—say “yes” to self-love because it does change everything.

  • How Yoga Gave Me the Courage to Stop People-Pleasing

    How Yoga Gave Me the Courage to Stop People-Pleasing

    “Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self.”  ~The Bhagavad Gita

    Growing up, I couldn’t have been further from my ‘self.’ Early childhood experiences taught me to focus all of my energy externally. To put everyone around me first and to be insatiably attentive to their needs. This kind of thinking instills you with an incredibly low sense of self-worth, disconnects you from your own feelings and desires, and ultimately leaves your happiness pinned to other people.

    When you have low self-worth, you mostly want to contract away from the world like a turtle. Hiding in your protective shell becomes a way of life because you fear that by revealing who you truly are people will leave, reject, or mock you.

    A common response from those around me was “Don’t worry! Just be yourself!” When you have low self-worth, “being yourself” isn’t just something that worries you, it’s not something that simply makes you feel uncomfortable. It is quite literally something your brain deciphers as high risk. The act of “being myself” was unbelievably terrifying. I had my guard up all the time and a face for every occasion.

    In my early twenties, I started to analyze my unhealthy thought patterns and tried three different therapists. Each one encouraged me to give a monologue about my life while they vacantly nodded and asked questions such as “How did that make you feel?”

    It did nothing for me. What I desperately needed was to cultivate a loving relationship with myself. I needed to get to know the girl I had been and the woman I was becoming. To be there for her, to soothe her, and to cheer her on.

    That’s where yoga came in.

    There was no single defining moment. My first yoga class didn’t change my life. Neither did the second, the third, or the fourth. Yet, little by little, as I went to more classes and read ancient scripture, I began hearing one important message reiterated over and over again—the importance of looking inward for validation, love, and support.

    Years of looking outside myself for these things had left my worth precariously hinged to other people, yet once on the mat, with only myself, I was challenged to connect with it all—my own fears, my own desires, and my own needs. Without this step, I couldn’t have moved forward in my life.

    My yoga practice went deeper when I found yin and restorative; branches of yoga which emphasize gentle support, nourishment, and mindful movement as opposed to any kind of striving or precision.

    Unlike the sweaty sequences of fast-paced flow classes, yin is a soft, intuitive practice that slowly guides you toward opening up, both physically and emotionally. Poses open your heart and your hips—places where those with low self-worth are often most closed off.

    Positions such as supported twist and swan can be held for over five minutes, encouraging a deep tissue release whereby tension dissolves out of your body and onto the mat. Meanwhile torso opening poses like butterfly and camel can make you feel totally vulnerable.

    As you sprawl out across the mat, the urge to close up can be powerful and it’s not unusual to feel emotional. It left me with no choice but to surrender, despite resistance from every cell in my body.   

    Many of the poses in yin yoga are named after animals and insects we associate with peacefulness. The gentle movement of a swan emits a blissful sense of inner peace. The slow-moving ways of a camel and the flutters of a butterfly convey the kind of quiet strength you feel when you finally reach a solid sense of self-worth. When you know you are enough, the need to prove yourself gradually begins to subside, being replaced by a lightness in both the body and the mind. It is this lightness which yoga instils.

    Similar to yin, restorative yoga aims to center you through both stillness and slow movement. It took all the energy I was relentlessly giving out to the world and brought it back to me. It felt like the first time I’d fully, and completely, focused on my own experience. It felt good.

    I went to restorative classes on Thursday evenings. I remember the first class I went to vividly because it felt so unnatural. Away from the pace of everyday life, where there are so many opportunities to numb out—with work, TV, socializing—this session involved just four restful poses each held for five to seven minutes.

    Poses included reclining hero, where you relax your entire body onto a supportive cushion, and bend your knees gently back, and Supta Baddha Konasana—lying with your legs open, feet together and arms left flat to the side. Whatever the pose, the purpose of it was comfort for the body, rest for the mind, and replenishment of the spirit.

    At the beginning I found this practise excruciating. My body was tense and my muscles were contracted. After years of avoiding myself, I simply couldn’t relax and let go because I was scared.

    The teacher noticed and he often came over to lightly press my back down onto the mat. Other times, he’d swap the hard cork block I’d picked to hold up my head for the softness of a folded blanket. As with many other yoga teachers, his non-judgemental support provided the safe, gentle push I needed to finally relax into my own body.

    These simple yet nourishing acts reflect the philosophy of yoga so well, in that the practice has little to do with who can stretch the furthest, the longest, or the most elegantly. Instead, one of the key tenants of yoga is union with yourself. If a pose feels painful, you adjust. If you’ve reached your edge, you pull back.

    This mantra has been repeated throughout every class I’ve been to, and it’s the most tangible evidence I have of the effect yoga has had on my life. If something feels painfully uncomfortable, out of line with my true nature, I now ask “Why am I doing this? Is it for me, or to please other people?”

    Chronic people pleasing, in order to gain a sense of self-worth, always felt excruciating to me. It put me at the whim of just about everyone I met. But it was only when I found the teachings of yoga that I realized why it felt so bad and found the courage to change.  

    When you’ve been so far away from yourself and finally connect to your inner being, it can feel overwhelming. The discovery that, I too, existed in the world, and not only that I had needs and feelings that deserved to be heard, but that who I was really, really mattered, was profound. In this way, yoga worked to highlight how prolifically I’d been neglecting myself in a way that talk therapy never even touched upon.

    I began to engage in radical self-care, I started a soothing inner dialogue, regularly asking myself if I was okay: how did I feel? (as opposed to how others felt). Albeit daunting and uncomfortable at first, I gradually stopped doing things to please others and started revealing every part of myself—the goofy side, the quiet side, the intelligent side. Why? Because my self-worth was inherent, it was within me rather than outside of me, and therefore, I had the safety to be exactly who I was.

    If you’ve ever struggled with low self-worth, you’ll know that the path to true acceptance is long, tedious, and never linear. It is a one step forward, two steps back process. One where you must wake up every single day and commit to building yourself up rather than down. One where you must silence your inner critic and instead begin to accept every part of yourself—even those which you find unpleasant.

    By practicing yoga and learning from the principles that underpin it, that path can be made easier, and a whole lot brighter, too.

  • The Simple Tools That Have Saved My Mental Health

    The Simple Tools That Have Saved My Mental Health

    “Think of the world…you carry within yourself and set it above everything that you notice about you. Your inmost happening is worth your whole love, that is what you must somehow work at, and not lose too much time and too much courage in explaining your attitude to people.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    My twenties taught me many things about navigating the outside world as an adult. Ironically, the biggest lesson was learning to pay close attention to my inner world.

    I turned thirty years young this year. Being on the cusp of a new decade feels momentous.

    Over these last ten years, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and a crippling lack of self-confidence. On more than one occasion, I have looked down the dark abyss that awaits anyone with mental health issues. I even underwent counseling and therapy, sought recourse in medication, opened up to friends, and plunged myself unapologetically into the “self-help” universe.

    As I share my own battle, this frankness and willingness to be vulnerable may come as a surprise to some. Even in the modern world, the stigma of mental health illness remains omnipresent. We are conditioned to just “deal with it as a passing phase,” “snap out of it,” or, “toughen up.”

    Men, especially, are forced into a unidimensional version of masculinity—any outward display of emotion is a weakness.

    We are indoctrinated with the notion that illnesses of the mind are illegitimate and unworthy of public discourse.

    Despite limiting beliefs around open conversation, very few are spared from mental illness in their private lives. Once others see a possibility for dialogue, they begin to share too.

    Showing your bleeding wounds to another human being requires courage. But authenticity is infectious. We might inspire others with our determination to remain vulnerable and ask for help. Over these last few months, several friends and acquaintances have shared their personal struggles with me.

    Every time another person tells me they feel overwhelmed by their brains, my heart breaks a little. Incessant dark thoughts and emotions have taken over their daily lives.

    The problem of mental ailments, like depression and anxiety, is that unshakeable feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. You feel that there is no way out and, no matter what happens, the bad feelings will never go away. This distorted version of the truth presented by our brains convinces us that we have no agency.

    I know that numbed, broken version of one’s self that emerges as a result of these illnesses. But things can get better and, sure, it is not instantaneous; recovery may require several approaches. Today, I want to share what I have learned through my own experience.

    Wisdom is nothing but the ability to offer a piece of yourself to another human being. I wish I could reach out to every person in the world who is suffering from a mental health problem. I want to tell you that there is hope, lurking even within the shadows. To summarize the common tools that have helped me feel better, I list three. And remember, none of these take time: they actually make time—better use of your time.

    1. Meditation

    A few years ago, I started meditating daily. It has changed my life. I started out with cynicism (like many people): How can I sit so still when I feel so empty and tired? How will I quieten my constant mental chatter? Don’t I first need to feel calm to even think about meditation? Does it even work?

    The response to all of the above questions and any others that are keeping you from meditation is: just do it and keep at it. Yes! You don’t need all the answers beforehand. You don’t need to be spiritual. You don’t need to join a retreat, become a yogi, or spend hours.

    You don’t need perfection, you need practice.

    Find a quiet place, close your eyes, put on earphones, and follow a guided meditation. Or if you prefer, do one yourself. And let go of the worry about doing it right, there is no such thing! It is time you take for yourself, and what can be better than making yourself a priority?

    Meditation helps refresh my mind-space amidst the darkest spells. It has brought me closer to my inner self. It has led me to observe my thoughts, not alter, judge, or arrest them—just observe them like traveling clouds. Meditation has taught me to look inward and enjoy the stillness in my core, despite all the worries and anxiety in the foreground.

    Honestly, just try it; you’ll find it addictive once you begin to build the muscle of meditation. Remember to stick with it though—meditating is a habit, a journey and not an intrinsic skill. No one is “made” for meditation, we all learn it. So be patient with yourself.

    2. Mindfulness

    Writer Eckhart Tolle talks about the tendency of our minds to forever escape the present moment. We are too much in the past or too much in the future. In his life-altering book The Power of Now, he says all our worries, fears, and anxieties stem from this predisposition. Mindfulness is the practice of grounding of one’s self in the now, in this moment: this breath, just as it is.

    Easier said than done? I agree! Also why I believe that, like meditation, mindful awareness is a practice, a discipline.

    That said, each one of us has experienced mindfulness presence without realizing it. Every time a sunset, a panorama, a movie, a song, or a loved one takes your breath away and you are suspended in bliss—you are mindfully present. You are nowhere else but in that moment of joy. Doing this even without the positive stimulus is the challenge.

    A key element in mindfulness is acceptance or surrender: not adding to the suffering of a moment by wishing it were otherwise.

    When we resist reality, our present life-situation, we unconsciously build up resistance to what is, the “is-ness” of this moment. And resistance isn’t bad—on the contrary, resistance is what we can use to become mindful and present! However, surrender does not mean inaction; it means accepting what exists as true before deciding if action is necessary. Reaction is impulsive, mindful action is deliberate and, in my case, wiser and calmer.

    Preventatively drawing my attention to the present, at regular intervals during the day, has helped me strengthen my awareness.

    Sometimes when I am walking, I quietly try to observe my physical body, my breath and my energy. My aliveness. Mindfulness means becoming the witness: noticing that you’re noticing. Thoughts will pop like bubble-wrap but if you don’t engage with them, don’t build a story or try to use words and labels, they will slide away.

    Focus on the sensations, the feelings you’re feeling; not the noise in your mind. The witness inside is the mindful, true Me. When I glimpse that dimension, free from mind and outer body, even for a split second, I know I am free and at peace.

    3. Self-love and gratitude

    Like many, I grew up with a brittle sense of self. Growing up I was the model student. Yet, in my teens and early twenties, I began to spiral into shame and self-hate. As I navigated different cultures, countries, languages, and expectations over the last decade, I often found myself feeling stuck. I felt inferior, unworthy, inadequate, different and “foreign.” Feeling like an outsider only reinforced my innate lack of self-esteem.

    I still struggle with those feelings of not being good enough, tall enough, smart enough, successful enough, handsome enough, rich enough, white enough, and the list goes on. I have to remind myself, consciously and repeatedly, that I am enough. No matter where I live, what I do or look like, I am complete and I am okay.

    Self-love might sound selfish and egotistic. But in fact, the most important person in your life is you! You need to be okay to help and love others. Self-love means being gentle to yourself, not insulting yourself when you fall or make mistakes.

    I had to learn to take care of myself as I would a close friend or loved one. It doesn’t come easy because we are raised in a culture where putting your own sense of self last is virtuous, a thing to be proud of.

    I believe we all need to learn to love ourselves, just the way we are. I would go so far as to say, that is the whole game. It’s a tricky one to win, but we ought to keep trying. Start simply: Check your thoughts when you pity yourself or put yourself down (yes, you know that negative self-talk where your brain tells you how slow/fat/ugly/poor/lonely/unloved/silly you are!).

    When we can look at ourselves in the mirror and feel genuine love for the person we see—true deep affection for our whole selves, with all the bad and good —that’s unconditional self-love. I told you, it won’t be easy, but it is rewarding. When you can be fully you, life is simpler.

    While self-care has taught me to appreciate myself, exactly as I am, daily gratitude has helped expand that compassion to a wider range of things. Every day I give thanks for being alive, healthy, able-bodied, young, loved, taken care of, with comforts (food, water, shelter, money), luxury, and freedom.

    Gratitude radically changes my perspective—from focusing on deprivation, on what’s missing, it throws light on what I do have. It can make us connected to reality in a more balanced and harmonious way. Gratitude, for myself or life, has helped me come unstuck when everything feels wretched and uphill.

    —

    Growing up is a process, life a constant journey. Along the way, these practices are helping me understand that I can feel better and be better. Ultimately, we all wish to experience joy and be at peace with ourselves. This is a reminder for me and you—to reach out and proactively work towards our own well-being. Talk and share with others. Stay open.

    Next time things aren’t going well, try to meditate or maybe focus on the present moment. Or give thanks for all that you do have and be kind to yourself. Speak to a friend or a specialist. And if it helps, read this again.

  • How to Love an Addict (Who Doesn’t Love Themselves)

    How to Love an Addict (Who Doesn’t Love Themselves)

    I grew up in a family of high-functioning addicts. We looked like the perfect family, but as we all know, looks can be deceiving. No one was addicted to drugs, so that obviously meant that we had no problems. Cigarettes, alcohol, food, and work don’t count, right?

    I have come to realize that what we are addicted to is nowhere near as important as the admission that we’re addicted to something. When we try to make ourselves feel better by telling ourselves that gambling or porn or beer is nowhere near as bad as crack or heroin, we are merely lying to ourselves. In the recovery movement, we call this denial.

    Denial was the foundation my life was built on. We did not speak of my grandfather’s abusive behavior and alcoholism. We did not question my grandmother’s chain-smoking habit. We did not mention my other grandfather’s drunken falls and injuries. We never tried to help my aunt who was eating anything she could get her hands on. No one questioned the countless hours my father spent working.

    There were so many things we just never talked about. There were so many things that were secrets. Things I had to hide. The unspoken family rule.

    I loved my family members. I still do. They were good people. They tried really hard. They just didn’t know how to look after themselves, to value themselves, to love themselves.

    They did the best they could under the circumstances and with the lack of awareness, information, and support at the time, and I don’t think it’s ever fair to judge that from the outside.

    I have gone through my stages of anger, judgment, and resentment and come out the other side. All that is left is sadness and love.

    I loved my family members. I loved them so much and all I ever wanted, even as a little girl, was for them to be happy.

    I wanted my granddad to not drink come 4pm so he would stay the lovely man that he was. I didn’t want to see him shout and cry and fall over. I didn’t want to be scared like that and watch my grandmother cry while helping him up and cleaning away the blood. He was a good man, but he had seen the worst of World War II and I don’t think he ever recovered from that.

    Maybe he would have been an alcoholic without those experiences; I will never know, and it really doesn’t matter because he was not just that.

    He was kind and generous. He played with me and made me laugh. He cuddled me in bed and told me story after story. We had so much fun together. Remembering those happy times will warm my heart for the rest of my life. I will be forever grateful for those happy memories and the time I had with him. I guess that he is the first addict I ever loved.

    My grandmother was the kindest person I have ever met. In my eyes, she couldn’t have been any more perfect. I wish that she had lived longer so that I could have had the opportunity to get to know her as an adult.

    What would I have seen? Would I have seen a woman who didn’t set any boundaries? Would I have seen someone who gave and gave without ever really getting anything back? I don’t know. I cannot say. But she was definitely the love of my life. And maybe that’s because she might have been codependent and treated me like a little princess, or maybe it is that she was just one of the kindest people the world has ever seen. It might even be both.

    It doesn’t matter who it was and what they were addicted to, I loved them. I truly loved them. I loved them then and I love them now even though they are no longer alive and haven’t been for decades.

    Addiction may change how they behaved at times, but it didn’t change the essence of them. And that’s what I have always loved. It doesn’t mean that I was blind to everything that was wrong. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t sense that something was terribly wrong.

    Today, I love the addicts in my life from a greater distance. The pain of loving someone who doesn’t love themselves is too much to bear. We speak and we care, but there is an emotional depth we can never reach. A depth I craved then and I depth I will crave if I let myself forget who I am loving.

    Because that’s what I found to be my solution for maintaining relationships with people I love but who struggle to love themselves:

    I can love them, but I can only do so by accepting that there is an emotional distance I will never be able to bridge. I have to accept that the closeness I seek, I can never get. I may get a hint of it every now and then, but I can no longer allow myself to be lured into wishing and hoping that things will change how I want them to change.

    I can love them and I can hold space for them, but I cannot change them. What I can do is remove my expectations and hopes and dreams for them and their relationship with me by accepting the reality of our situation.

    This gives me freedom. It gives me freedom to love them while being true to myself and honest about my feelings.

    It allows me to enjoy the contact and connection that exists while having healthy boundaries in place that protect me from sacrificing my own well-being and peace of mind in a misguided attempt to save them from themselves. It is that separation that finally allows us to connect.

    It gives us space to respect our struggles and each other as individuals. As long as I failed to see that, I tried to change them, and that’s what stopped us from connecting.

    And so. learning that I cannot change another person and that only they have the power to do so, opened me up to actually being able to love them.

    I also learned that I cannot love another person into loving themselves. I used to believe that meant that my love wasn’t good enough—that I wasn’t enough—but I now know that the love they needed and the love they sought was the one that only comes from within.

    Because if my love could have saved them, it would have. I loved them that much.

    But love that comes from the outside needs to be able to connect with the love that’s on the inside, and that love, they just hadn’t connected with.

    That love they never found during their lifetime.

    And so, they couldn’t teach it to anyone else either. No one knew about it, and everyone just coped with their pain in the only way they knew how to.

    I wanted them to look after themselves and be happy so very much. I wanted them to be healthy for me. I wanted them to stay alive for me. I didn’t understand that I couldn’t save them. I didn’t really comprehend that part for most of my life, which paradoxically has cost me a lot of my life.

    I know the yearning and the craving. The wishful thinking. The rollercoaster of hope and crestfallen disappointment. The believing in them and cheering them on only to watch them fall again.

    But I was always on the outside. It was never in my control. It never really had anything to do with me or meant anything about me.

    I just happened to be born into my family and love them.

    For most of my life I wondered if I did really love them or if I just loved what they did for me, but I can now say with absolute certainty that I loved them.

    The things I loved doing with them, I haven’t done in decades and yet the love is still as strong as ever. As is the gratitude.

    I am grateful for the kindness they’ve shown me and the lessons they’ve taught me. I am grateful for their perseverance and their endurance. I am grateful for the thousand things they were, because they were more than addicts.

    They had dreams and aspirations when youth was on their side. They had things they liked and favorite clothes they wore. They had friends and social lives. They danced and they had fun. They kissed and made up. They tried really hard to be the best people they could be, and how could anyone ever say that that wasn’t good enough?

    They never did anything to intentionally purposefully hurt or harm anyone because they were good people. Good people who never hurt or harmed anyone but themselves. And witnessing that was painful. Knowing that that is what happened and continues to happen is still painful.

    It is a reality I wish wasn’t true. If there was something I could do to change that, I would. But I know I can’t. And that is the reason why I can love the addicts in my life.

    When I thought that I could change them or save them, I couldn’t love them. Love accepts people as they are. It does not seek to change someone so they fit in with your idea of them. Love is inherently respectful. Trying to change someone isn’t.

    I could never really control them or their substances, and I have lived with the panic of not being able to. But I have made friends with it. I now know how to soothe myself and in that way, I take care of myself. I have achieved what they never could.

    I cannot control what my addicts do to themselves. I cannot control the choices they make. But I can control my choices.

    And I choose health, growth, and love. I will not continue the family heirloom of addiction and self-abandonment.

    Instead, I have learned to love in healthy ways. And that includes me. I have learned to take care of myself and dare I say it, like myself. But I couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for my family.

    While they provided me with my challenges and relational struggles, they also provided me with kindness, love, and strength. For some reason, they managed to love me enough to let know that there is another way of  being because that is what has kept me going.

    I always knew there was something wrong. I just didn’t know what it was. And I also always knew that there was a better life out there, and I was right. I just wish that my addicts could have also had that experience. I wish we could have had it together, and I don’t think that I will ever stop wishing that.

    But I accept the reality that is and I will continue to do for myself what they could not do for themselves so my children will not share the struggles of the past. I focus on what I can control, and I take full responsibility for my own life. I look after myself how I wish they had looked after themselves. I do it for me. I do it for my children. And I do it to honor them.

    Because I know that they would want for me what I wanted for them. The difference is that I am able to give it to them. And I do so with all my love.

  • 7 Amazing Things That Happen When You Start Loving Yourself More

    7 Amazing Things That Happen When You Start Loving Yourself More

    “When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving,” ~Kim McMillen

    I started learning about self-love a long time ago.

    In fact, I started learning about self-love so long ago that when, fifteen years later, a shaman in Peru I told me that self-love was the answer to all my questions, I got really pissed off!

    I had struggled with depression as a teenager. For about two years, I lived a very sad life. I don’t even remember much to be honest. I felt the pain of existence. I avoided people. Every day felt like yet another obstacle to overcome. I existed rather than lived. Eventually, I overcame it and discovered some tools that I still use to help me with any low moments l might have today. One of them was the practice of self-love.

    I found a few helpful books on meditation, the Silva Method, visualization, and the famous book You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.

    I wrote affirmations daily. I kept doing my mirror work. I started to be more appreciative and kinder to myself. I meditated regularly and gradually rebuilt myself. I thought I had nailed self-love. I thought I had really understood what self-love was.

    I was wrong.

    I was in my early thirties—single and not entirely thrilled about it. Not fulfilled in my corporate career. Living in a converted garage in London and wondering what to change in my life to feel happier.

    When my friend asked me whether I would be up for travelling to Peru, I didn’t think twice.

    It felt like the right adventure at the right time.

    We had a magical time for three weeks. We visited many ancient places, took part in spiritual ceremonies, met and worked with shamans, and visited some old communities living a modest life in the middle of the Andes. We experienced everything that Peru had to offer.

    One day, my friend and I decided to go for a coca leaf reading. It was mainly out of curiosity but as with previous past readings, I wanted to be reassured that my life was going to change and that I would soon be in a better place.

    Now I know better than to turn to a psychic to ease my anxiety. Once during a reading a psychic told me that there are a few future possibilities for us, based on our choices. So, I started to trust my choices more and become comfortable with uncertainty, as there is always a solution to our problems. I also trust that whatever I experience I’m having is for my highest good and the exact lesson I now need.

    Back to my story: So, we went to a back room of a very run down massage place that we’d come across a few days earlier.

    The shaman came and set himself up. He couldn’t speak English and had a Dutch translator.

    My friend went first and asked her questions and got guidance.

    When it was my turn, I started to ask the usual questions: When will I meet the love of my life? When will I find a better job? What job would it be? When will I find a better flat? When will I start earning more money?

    After I asked the first question, the shaman stirred the leaves in his palms and threw them up. When they fell, he looked at them and said to me, “When you start loving yourself.”

    Fair enough, I thought to myself, and asked another question.

    The shaman threw the leaves again, contemplated a little, and gave me the same answer, “When you start loving yourself more.”

    I thought “okay” and agreed silently with him. I still felt I could love myself more.

    I asked another question and got the same answer. And another question and got the same answer.

    Doubts began to appear and I started to feel a bit uneasy.

    I felt like we were a bit naive going to a shaman we didn’t know and that nobody had recommended him to us.

    When I heard the same answer for the fifth time, I lost it.

    I snapped at the translator, accusing the shaman of being fake and not knowing what he was doing.

    The translator started to calm me down and tried to convince me that the shaman was very popular and he knew his stuff. Apparently, many people kept coming back to him because of his accurate readings.

    Somehow it was hard to believe.

    We completed the reading and left.

    My friend tried to help me make sense of this experience but I completely dismissed it.

    I was furious. Not even about the reading but the realization that I thought I had done so much work around self-love and was convinced I knew how to love and respect myself. But here a stranger was pointing out to me that there was yet more work to be done.

    I remember asking my friend angrily, “How much work on self-love do I need to do to actually start loving myself? Is fifteen years not enough?”

    I felt helpless and discouraged.

    It felt like all the work I had done on myself up until that moment in Peru had meant nothing.

    I was frustrated because I assumed that after all the inner work I had done, I should have known better. I should have attracted higher quality men. I should have had a better job. I should have earned more money. I should have been happier.

    My life had a few more lessons for me before I actually got what self-love really meant.

    A few years later, I was even more frustrated in the new job—and still single after dozens of failed dates with men who didn’t even remotely fit the description of my dream man. Not much happier, I had a moment of realization when I was drying my hair.

    It just hit me out of nowhere. I felt in my whole body what it was to love myself. I felt flooded with self-appreciation for no reason. I was overcome by kindness and compassion for myself.

    In that moment, I saw how unloving I was toward myself. I realized that through my entire life I had been betraying and abandoning myself.

    I completely understood what the shaman in Peru really meant!

    Until I truly loved and honored myself, I wouldn’t get a better job, find a loving man, or feel happier.

    I wouldn’t because I didn’t love myself enough to feel worthy of it all.

    It took me a while to integrate my insights and realize how the love I had (or lack of it!) for myself was directly responsible for my unfulfilling love life, draining career, and overall unhappiness with life.

    A few years later, I now have my own definition of self-love.

    I believed for a long time that self-love was merely a feeling toward myself.

    Now I know better. It is way more than just a feeling.

    For me, self-love is a practice. It is a practice of choosing myself, putting myself first when I can, making myself important, and being kind and compassionate with myself. Also, self-love is about choosing things, people, and situations that are good for me, feel right, and serve me.

    Self-love is an on-going conscious choice!

    When I started to practice consciously choosing myself over others, over damaging situations, over unfulfilling friendships and relationships, things changed dramatically.

    To illustrate why you need to practice self-love, here are a few examples from my own life.

    1. You will start to feel more in charge of your life.

    I realized that I had always a choice. I could make poor choices out of fear, guilt, and shame or empowered choices that were aligned with who I was and what felt authentic to me. So, I stopped trying to please people, accommodating men unworthy of my attention, and doing things that didn’t bring me pleasure or satisfaction.

    When you start loving yourself more, you too will realize your wants and needs are important, and you have the choice to honor them.

    2. You will set stronger boundaries around dating and love.

    As a result of honoring my needs, I started to feel more confident and assertive. I became more purposeful with dating. I stopped wasting time on the wrong guys and started making more empowered romantic choices. The final outcome: I found the love of my life after struggling in the love department for years.

    When you strengthen your boundaries from a place of self-love, you too will feel more empowered and you’ll stop repeatedly choosing partners who aren’t good for you.

    3. You will stop seeking approval.

    This was the most liberating thing. As I loved and respected myself more, I stopped worrying about how much others liked or approved of me. I stopped doing things to be liked. This created space for me to be more authentic, less defensive, and more my genuine self.

    When you have your own approval and acceptance, you start caring less about other people’s opinion of you and living a life that’s aligned with your own values.

     4. You will start to make more courageous and conscious decisions.

    I gave up my draining corporate job out of respect to myself.

    I moved out of London after fifteen years to have a slower and more peaceful lifestyle.

    I fell in love again. (This takes lots of courage if you have been hurt over and over again!)

    I got pregnant and had a natural birth. I had no clue how this happened, as I formerly had broadcasted everywhere that if I ever got pregnant, I would be the first to ask for an epidural. But I listened to my body and having an epidural didn’t feel right.

    I became a mama to my son. This is probably the bravest thing I have ever done in my life, since I love my freedom so much. But the love for my son helps me forget how important my freedom was to me before.

    Self-love will give you the courage to get rid of things that don’t serve you and make space for things that will help you grow. When you truly value yourself, you make decisions that honor you rather than harm you.

    5. You will start to enjoy being with yourself.

    I stopped filling my days with meetings, dates, and outings, as I did in the past just so I wouldn’t feel alone. I stopped running away from myself into the arms of unsuitable men. I stopped meeting friends just to have some company.

    Instead, I started to do more things I loved doing: swimming, yoga, writing, watching movies, meditating. When I reconnected with myself deeply, spending time in my own company didn’t feel scary anymore. I stopped being afraid of being alone.

    You too will find that when you become more loving toward yourself, you will start being more comfortable being in your own lovely company.

    6. You will develop a stronger relationship with yourself.

    As I spent more time with myself I deepened the connection I had with myself. I stopped being desperate for a romantic relationship because I started to have more fun on my own. I became my own friend. I started to feel more secure as a person as I tapped into my true inner being. I started to believe in myself more. I started to trust myself more.

    When you deepen your connection with yourself through self-love, you’ll connect on a deeper level with others too. As your relationship with yourself improves, your others get stronger as well.

    7. You will stop seeking happiness in relationships.

    Loving myself helped me realize that I didn’t need a man to be happy. All the love I needed to be happy was within me already. I took more responsibility for my personal happiness and stopped giving my power away to men.

    I understood that happiness was constantly present in my life. It wasn’t somewhere in the future. I just needed to change my focus and learn to appreciate what I had rather than dwelling on what I didn’t have.

    When you start to love yourself more and feel happier, you too will likely feel less desperate for a romantic relationship. You’ll realize you don’t need a partner to be happy. You just need to be happy and the right person will show up in time.

    —

    So how do you start loving yourself more? Start choosing yourself daily and doing what feels right for you.

    Introduce a daily practice of checking in with yourself every time you need to make a decision or a choice.

    First you ask yourself: What would feel loving in this situation?

    Once you have the answer, ask yourself these thee powerful questions:

    Does it feel good/right for me?

    Will it serve me?

    Will it make me feel energized?

    These questions will help you honor yourself and your needs and stay true and loving to yourself.

    There is much more I want to say on this subject, but I will leave it for another article.

    Let me just say this: Self-love will transform your life—so start practicing!

  • How I Learned to Like and Trust Myself When It Was Hard

    How I Learned to Like and Trust Myself When It Was Hard

    “Loving yourself starts with liking yourself, which starts with respecting yourself, which starts with thinking of yourself in positive ways.” ~Jerry Corsten

    Useless. Hopeless. Broken.

    This was how I saw myself.

    I didn’t completely loathe myself, but I didn’t like myself either. At best, I tolerated myself.

    I felt I had good reasons to.

    I’d gotten myself into, as we say in England, a right old pickle.

    If you’re not familiar with this charming expression, I had gotten myself into a big mess.

    In my early twenties, over a painful period of about eighteen months, I’d gradually buried myself in personal debt with several pay-day loan companies.

    The ever-growing pressure to pay off this debt played havoc on my mental health. I often found myself running into the work toilet to secretly have panic attacks, throwing water on my face like a madman, and reassuring myself that I wasn’t losing my sanity. I was suffering, and misguidedly, I’d convinced myself I would have to suffer alone.

    To make myself feel better, each week I partied from Thursday through to Sunday, chain smoking and knocking back pint after pint of Guinness. Or anything else that was available. I wasn’t fussy.

    I’d wake up on a Sunday, often still drunk, with a dizzy head and a heavy heart.

    Do I dare to check my bank balance? How long can I go on living like this? What’s wrong with me?

    Sunday evenings were the worst. I dreaded Monday morning. I disliked my job but needed to stay there to keep my head above water. It was a vicious cycle.

    I’m pleased to say those days are behind me. I’m still far from being perfect, but I’ve come a long way.

    I’ve learned to like and even love myself. Which I’m proud of, because I honestly believe the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves.

    The quality of the relationship we have with ourselves determines the quality of all other relationships. Plus, I came into this world alone and I’ll leave alone. Other people will come and go, but I will always have myself. I best make sure I like the man I see in the mirror.

    Here are three ways I learned to like and trust myself again.

    1. Recognizing I’ve always done my best, given my level of awareness at the time

    I often shock people when I tell them I believe there is no such thing as self-sabotaging behaviors. They ask, “Well, what about procrastination? Drinking? Drugs? Surely, they are self-sabotaging?”

    Yes and no. Yes, they are destructive, but I wouldn’t call them self-sabotaging.

    A more revealing question than what those behaviors are, is why do they exist?

    I believe it’s not self-sabotage but misguided self-love.

    Let’s take my binge drinking and smoking, for example—behavior that, in the eyes of many, would seem self-destructive. On top of the harmful physical and mental affects, these habits put me further into debt. But why did I indulge in those behaviors in the first place? Because my life situation was painful, and temporarily, they helped.

    For a few short hours, those behaviors made me feel better. I became less anxious and happier. As far as my mind was concerned, this was helping.

    The issue, as I’ve come to learn, is that the subconscious mind (the part of the mind responsible for habits and behaviors) focuses on the present moment.

    What is also important to understand is that the mind’s #1 role is to maintain our survival. If you’ve ever almost stepped into the path of a speeding vehicle, you’ve seen this truth. Without even consciously thinking , your incredible mind jolted you back onto the path and off the road.

    Given that the mind’s #1 role is our survival, the idea that it would allow self-sabotaging behaviors is nonsensical.

    Furthermore, believing I had a sneaky self-saboteur living inside me, hell-bent on destroying my life, made me feel utterly powerless. If I couldn’t even help myself, how could anyone else?

    Now I view those destructive behaviors differently, for what I believe they are: short-sighted self-love. “Helpful” in the short-term but costly in the long-term.

    I wasn’t sabotaging myself on purpose. My mind allowed those behaviors because they were moving me away from perceived pain, or toward perceived pleasure.

    With more awareness, I was able to stop beating myself up, stop the behaviors that were holding me back, and start making better choices. Which included asking for help and setting some goals for myself.

    2. Setting small and achievable goals

    Once I realized I’d always done my best in the past, given my level of awareness, it was time for me to think of positive steps I could take toward the future. Starting by gaining direction through goal-setting.

    In the past, I’d set myself up for failure by trying to change everything overnight. After a few days, however, I’d become overwhelmed by trying to maintain so much change and fall back into old, familiar patterns.

    This time, instead of attempting to change everything I wanted to change at once, I created small and achievable goals for myself.

    I started by addressing my personal debt, which was the biggest stressor in my life at the time, and a huge contributor toward my anxiety. Once I made some progress with my goal of getting debt-free, I created small and achievable goals in other areas. For example, I set a goal of meditating once per day. It wasn’t long before I was seeing improvements in my mental state.

    Over time, my confidence in myself began to grow, as I could look back and see tangible results. I was beginning to like and trust myself again.

    3. Self-praise

    A huge contributing factor in forming a better relationship with myself was praising myself along the way.

    As I child, I was fortunate in that I was often praised by the adults around me.

    Sadly, as we transition into adulthood, outside praise tends to become less frequent, doesn’t it? It did for me at least.

    As I grew older, instead of hearing words of praise, I heard more words of criticism from mean teachers and bosses who used shame and fear to motivate me to do better.

    No wonder, then, that my inner dialogue became more negative and I learned to beat myself up.

    Although I may no longer be a child, I’m not ashamed to admit, I still love to be praised!

    So, to encourage myself when making positive changes, I use self-praise each evening before bed. When brushing my teeth, I look myself in the eyes, reflect on the day that has passed, and think of three things I can praise myself for.

    Big or small, I find three things I did well and wish to acknowledge.

    Even on those days when I feel like I’ve achieved next to nothing, when I ask myself “What can I praise myself for today?” my mind searches for answers and will always find some. Even if it’s something small, like resisting the urge to overdo it when drinking with my friends or not oversleeping on the weekend.

    As Tony Robbins said, “Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.”

    I used to go to bed and ask myself “Why am I so useless?” I’d fall asleep with a feeling of dread in my heart, resentful toward myself.

    By asking myself “What can I praise myself for?” I fall asleep feeling positive about myself, as someone who likes and trusts themselves.

    —

    If you’re having a hard time liking yourself, let alone loving yourself, start by recognizing you’ve always done the best you could. Even when you made choices you later regretted, you were trying to help yourself; you just didn’t have the awareness or resources to do better.

    Then focus on taking small steps to create change you can be proud of. Don’t try to make major changes overnight; you’ll likely get overwhelmed, feel even worse about yourself, and give up. Just do one tiny thing every day to help you move you in a better direction.

    And give yourself a little credit. Ask yourself questions about what you’re doing right, not what you’re doing wrong. You’ll likely feel a lot better about yourself and your life. And when we feel better, we do better—which means you’ll keep giving yourself reasons to be proud.

  • Why I’ve Decided to Accept Myself Instead of Trying to ‘Fix’ Myself

    Why I’ve Decided to Accept Myself Instead of Trying to ‘Fix’ Myself

    “No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.” ~Robert Holden

    In our culture, we are constantly bombarded with the newest and best things to improve ourselves and/or our quality of life. Unfortunately, this leads to the belief that we need to obtain some sort of thing before we could accept ourselves as we are.

    When I was a child, I constantly battled with my weight. By the age of fourteen, I was 225 pounds (mind you, I am 5’2,” on a good day).

    Fortunately for me, a doctor pointed out the concern of childhood obesity. She kindly let me know that I was at the perfect time to lose weight before it began to have significant health complications. I was able to quickly learn how to eat better and engage in physical activity. I dropped about eighty pounds within a year, and the attention I received was overwhelming.

    I quickly developed a conditioned response of self-improvement, attention, and ultimately, love—meaning I began to see that altering myself would gain me recognition. But come on, who doesn’t want to be loved and accepted by others? Well, this attention introduced a whole different concept.

    I realized I was not receiving that positive attention before, as people usually chose to pick me apart for my weight. Therefore, as I grew older, I became addicted to this notion of self-improvement because it brought upon the positive attention and affirmation I had lacked. Furthermore, I had a hard time just being me without trying to change something about myself.

    For me, self-acceptance is hard to conceptualize on a good day. On a bad day, it can be in shards of glass on the floor. Through my trials and errors, I have learned that self-acceptance is a skill we can practice. It is not an innate trait that we either have or don’t. It is something that can be nourished and nurtured.

    With practice, I began feeling at peace with who I am—with all my strengths and my weaknesses. However, this didn’t just happen overnight.

    I had struggled with a lack of self-acceptance for many years. I felt like I needed to be a certain way or look a certain way to be accepted. Immediate access to media and social media fed right into this concept. I fell into the comparison trap, and I fixated on what I didn’t have by putting my attention on what everyone else seemed to have.

    I’d think, “Well, she looks a lot better than me,” “Man, their family seems perfect,” or “My career doesn’t seem to be that successful.” These thoughts would consume me, and have a negative impact on my mood and self-esteem.

    Let me be clear, I have to be mindful of this trap every single day, multiple times a day, as self-acceptance, love, and compassion issues are deeply ingrained.

    When I was a little girl, I consistently received the message that I needed to change parts of who I was to fit the mold of society. Peers would consistently comment on my weight and appearance. Teachers would constantly criticize my work. Coaches would often compare to the “better, more capable” players. I am sure some of these messages came with good intention, but they had a destructive impact on my self-worth and value.

    As I have gotten older, I have learned that having a good relationship with myself is one of the most important things I will achieve in my life. However, because I didn’t want others to see my bad stuff, I tended to project an outward image of having it together, or striving to get it together.

    I was not as open about my consistent struggle with depression, anxiety, and body image. I would deny some of those internal battles, and in doing so was never being who I truly was. More so, I struggled in knowing who I was and I developed a conditional relationship with myself.

    For a long time, I also struggled with self-forgiveness, which was a huge barrier to self-acceptance. I struggled because I was ashamed of my choices and wished I had done things differently. By twenty-six years old, I had a failed marriage, filed for bankruptcy, and was facing some legal consequences due to my irresponsible behaviors.

    I began trying to perfect myself in any way possible. I was constantly looking for a new health fad to follow. I purchased several self-help books, always looking for what was wrong with me and finding a way to fix it. Clearly, I had no concept of self-acceptance. I just believed who I was at my core was bad and I needed to change it. I was never comfortable with just being with me; I needed to be improving something.

    Soon I began to see that true self-acceptance has absolutely nothing to do with self-improvement. I was always trying to achieve things, which may have helped temporarily, but it was a poor substitute for true intimacy with myself, which is what I needed.

    When I set out to improve myself, I attempted to fix something about myself. I couldn’t possibly feel secure or good enough if my worth depended on constantly bettering myself.

    I struggled with what I like to call the “destination happiness” illness. It implies “I’ll be okay when…” or “as soon as I accomplish this one thing, I’ll be happy…” With that mindset, I was never happy because I was always looking forward to the future, missing the present. I was also just checking off the boxes in life, never fully embracing the moment.

    A turning point in my life was when a friend of mine said, “I feel you are always looking for something wrong with you. What would it take to just accept yourself for who you are?” This was a true epiphany for me. I was always finding fault in myself. So, I began to reflect on this statement and started to make some active changes toward self-acceptance.

    I began to celebrate my many strengths.

    I started to make time to honor what I brought to the table.

    I worked hard to take in praise from others without doubting their statements.

    I cultivated a positive support system. I knew I naturally become similar to the people I chose to be around. So, I built a support system that is inspiring and fulfilling, not discouraging and depleting.

    I made a commitment to stop comparing myself to others. I could acknowledge others’ strengths without disregarding or belittling my own.

    I began to understand and quiet the inner-critic. I didn’t shut this voice out completely, but I worked on it being constructive as opposed to hurtful.

    I made a conscious effort to forgive myself. I let go of the regret and began to learn from my past.

    Finally, I began to practice self-compassion and kindness. If I wouldn’t say it to someone I love, I didn’t say it to myself.

    With all of these steps, I began to understand who I am and know what I want, while being comfortable in my own skin. I value myself and have gained respect from others. I am able to face challenges in my life head-on. I embrace all parts of who I am, not just the good stuff. I recognize my limitations and weaknesses.

    I must say, though, that it is possible to accept and love ourselves and still be committed to personal growth. Accepting ourselves as we are does not mean we won’t have the motivation to change or improve. It implies that self-acceptance is not correlated with alterations of who we are at our core.

    Nathaniel Branden stated, “Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.” Many of us live our lives resisting ourselves—comparing ourselves to others, pushing ourselves to be perfect, and trying to fit a certain mold of who we think we are supposed to be. I hope that by shedding some light on the notion of acceptance, I have helped you find courage to let that all go.

    We will never know who we are unless we discard who we pretend to be. And it would be a shame not to find out, because we are beautiful and worth knowing, just as we are.

  • Lessons from a Life Lost Too Soon: Don’t Let Your Inner Critic Destroy You

    Lessons from a Life Lost Too Soon: Don’t Let Your Inner Critic Destroy You

    “What you tell yourself every day will lift you up or tear you down. Choose wisely.” ~Unknown

    It was a story I just couldn’t get out of my head. A young teen had died in a town not far from where I live, a town where I used to live. I knew people who had kids who knew this girl.

    I heard she was a swimmer, bright and popular. At first the talk was about how she’d died. I heard someone surmise that she was killed. Someone else said it was a horrible accident, and of course, there were murmurings that maybe she had done it herself. And then, I heard nothing.

    Months passed and I eventually put the whole incident out of my mind, until I came across an article in our major metro newspaper. The girl’s parents had come forward to share the terrible truth about their beautiful teenage daughter who threw herself off an overpass.

    What could make a girl who seemingly had it all make that terrible choice? Her grades were good, she had friends, she was an athlete, and she had mad robotics skills. No one knew the depth of her suffering, and that’s just how she wanted it.

    At one point, the girl vaguely confessed to a teacher that she was stressed, and the teacher immediately shared this information with her parents. They in turn brought her to therapy, but the therapist never learned the truth or depth of this girl’s suffering. No one did, until it was too late. Not surprisingly, the girl’s parents were completely blindsided when they learned what their daughter had done.

    So how did her parents come to understand what led to this terrible tragedy? And what did they hope to achieve by sharing their daughter’s painful story with the reporter? The answer was in the girl’s journal, excerpts of which were featured in the article.

    The parents had not even been aware that their daughter had kept a journal until after her passing. What they learned upon finding her journal was that for one year prior to her suicide she had written a daily diatribe of the worst, most hateful insults directed at herself. This is something she allowed no one to see—not her closest friends, not her parents, not her therapist, no one.

    As I read through the excerpts, one word kept coming to my mind over and over again. The word was “indoctrination.”

    This girl had utterly been indoctrinating herself as if she had joined a cult, hell bent on getting her to feel nothing but utter contempt for herself.

    The reporter even pointed out that one of the many cruel, self-demeaning excerpts was written on a day when the girl and her robotics team had experienced a triumph at a competition, yet not one utterance of this victory was reflected in her writing. She had convinced herself that she was worthless, and she was not going to allow any evidence to the contrary to challenge that perception.

    Why am I telling you this story? First, let me ask you a question. Do you have a voice inside your head that tells you that you are unworthy, undeserving, ugly, stupid, or any number of other similarly hateful messages? I do. It’s harsh and it’s painful and it’s shameful. It’s the voice of self-abuse, and it can prevent us from enjoying life by shaming us for even our most minor imperfections.

    Those of us who live with this voice, tolerate it. While we know it’s not pleasant, we don’t typically see it as deleterious to our health. We don’t challenge it; we endure it. We sometimes try to drown it out with food or sex or alcohol.

    This girl however, took it to another level. She gave that voice power, she wrote down the toxic words in her head every day and drank them in even as they slowly poisoned her mind into believing that she didn’t deserve to live. That thought, that realization, hit me like a sledge hammer.

    It was at that moment that I asked myself a question. If the words she wrote down, reinforcing every ill-conceived, misguided, self-negating thought she had about herself, had the power to kill her, what would the opposite have done?

    What if every day she’d come home and filled her journal with thoughts of self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and unconditional love and respect? Could the power of those words have saved her life? Could they have defeated her cancerous self-hate such that she’d be alive today to share her amazing journey back from hell with the world? I believe the answer to that question is, yes!

    I can’t bear the thought of this precious girl dying in vain, so in a way, I write this article on her behalf even though I never had the pleasure of meeting her. I feel I owe her a debt of gratitude. She helped me understand the immense power we have to either convince ourselves that we are worthy or that we are worthless.

    We can choose to let self-hatred breed and grow in silence, or we can notice it and challenge it. The funny thing is, I agree with her initial action. I believe that writing down or at least saying our self-deprecating thoughts out loud is a necessary first step for exposing the lies we mistake as truths. We can’t stop there though; we then need to move to self-compassion and take on the difficult task of writing a different narrative.

    Let me just say up front that this will not be easy. In fact, this may seem like a Herculean task. It’s essentially forcing a runaway train to change direction. Reflecting on my own experience of trying to turn the train around, I find that I often fall back into old habits, drifting toward the familiar path of self-hate, but I now understand it is imperative that I stay the course and continue my efforts to change. If I don’t, I will ultimately be consumed by my self-destructive inner dialogue.

    Most of us who grapple with our inner critic never choose to end our life physically, but make no mistake when we allow that voice to take over, we are killing ourselves. What this girl’s story did for me, and what I hope it will do for you, is stop the complacency around self-denigrating self-talk.

    While I still hear my negative thoughts, I don’t feed them. Instead, I spend time every day intentionally focusing on the positive, and when life is hard and I don’t do as well as I’d hoped I would, I do my best to meet myself with love and compassion.

    So, what would happen if you committed to indoctrinating yourself daily with nothing but self-love, self-praise, self-compassion, and gratitude? How might your experience, your outlook, your world change? Your words are powerful. Your choices are powerful. Choose self-kindness. After all, you deserve it.

  • How to Love Yourself into Speaking Up When You’re Frozen in Fear

    How to Love Yourself into Speaking Up When You’re Frozen in Fear

    “Always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” ~Unknown

    You may not want to admit this to others, but I know the truth about you.

    You freeze, clam up, and shut down when tensions rise and your spidey-sense detects a hint of conflict in the air. You run for cover during the storm, and when it’s over, you judge yourself for not having delivered the perfect soliloquy in the heat of the moment to convey your point and get what you need and deserve.

    And then you collapse into a hot mess of blame and shame.

    I get it. I used to be an expert in hiding.

    I vividly recall finding myself in tears in a colleague’s office after a particularly difficult meeting. My work was sidelined, and it was made abundantly clear that my contribution and presence weren’t valued.

    I felt passed over, ignored, and worst of all, not seen.

    I was too scared to say anything in the moment, and I didn’t even have the right words to express what was on my mind.

    What I wanted to say was nothing out of the ordinary. But when you’re feeling intimidated, that really doesn’t matter. Even sharing something as benign as what you’ve been working on seems impossible, let alone requesting a teeny, tiny amount of air time to do so.

    I left work that day unable to make sense of what had happened and how to move through the emotional state that I was left in.

    Sadly, this wasn’t the only difficult interaction that I came across early on in my career. The other ones involved yelling, passive-aggressive remarks, dysfunctional team dynamics, and me, remaining silent, not knowing how to handle it all, while expertly judging myself for not doing better.

    Yes, I was that person.

    Perhaps you can relate?

    Maybe you’re afraid to confront a loved one who has violated your boundaries because you don’t want to damage the relationship. Or perhaps you’re in an abusive situation and you’re worried that others won’t believe all of the awful things you’ve lived though. Or maybe you’ve been “hiding” in the workplace, not wanting to broach a difficult issue because you don’t want to create conflict or lose your job.

    I get it. There are risks to rocking the boat. And sometimes those risks are worth taking because the cost of remaining silent is too high.

    That cost is carrying the trauma of these negative interactions inside of us. It lingers there, eating away at us, waiting to be released while it leaks out in unhealthy ways. We might take our frustration out on ourselves by overeating or drinking, or we might let our feelings build until one day we explode on some innocent person who doesn’t deserve our rage.

    And so, I’d like to share what I’ve learned about loving yourself into speaking up when you’re frozen in fear. My hope is that this will help you remember who you truly are in those difficult moments.

    So here goes…

    First and foremost—and I know that this is the very last thing that you want to do—stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop second-guessing yourself and admit that you’re scared.

    I know it’s hard, but accept it. Accept it all—the tension, the anger, the fear, the raised voices, the freezing… all of it. The only way through is to first accept the situation for exactly what it is, and it certainly doesn’t mean agreeing with what happened.

    Then, and this is even scarier, I know, tell someone. Not anyone, but just one compassionate witness. Someone who will listen, not judge, and not tell you what to do next.

    This is one of the best ways to begin your healing. What stays inside of you unacknowledged and unspoken festers and turns into shame and/or rage. When you let someone else in and receive their empathy and understanding, you’re better able to offer these beautiful gifts to yourself.

    You’ll then be ready to understand (not with your head, but with your heart) that freezing is a brilliant response to feeling scared.

    We’re biologically wired to use this survival technique to help us ward off predators. My cat freezes every time I take her to the vet, and it’s no better than fighting or fleeing as a response. So please stop judging yourself for doing what the universe innately programmed you to do.

    And now, for the biggest leap of faith that you’ll be asked to take in this lifetime… To effect any real change, you’ll need to love yourself exactly as you are right now.

    That means loving the frightened, insecure, self-judging little one inside of you who hates herself* (or himself or themselves) for not doing better.

    Yes, her.

    Instead of telling her that she’s not good enough, speak to her in the way you’d talk to a child who froze in fear when confronted with a threatening situation. What might you say?

    “It’s okay… you’re safe now, you’re loved. No one can hurt you. You are enough, just as you are. You don’t need to change a thing.”

    Once that little one feels truly comforted, she’ll be ready to entertain the possibility of speaking up, and then find the courage to do so. Self-love creates strength, confidence, and resilience—and these are the things you need to give yourself a voice. You need strength to speak up, confidence to hold your ground regardless of how you’re received, and resilience to handle the response, whatever it may be.

    This may take a while.

    Have patience.

    When she does find her voice, she’ll stumble.

    Her words will come out all clunky at first. She’ll feel both embarrassment and exhilaration. Just let her be. Let her live through all of those wild and wonderful emotions, while telling her how incredibly proud you are of her.

    Eventually, she’ll come to see the brilliant wisdom in the unique voice that she’s been holding back. And she’ll learn how to finally love herself, even when she was the one who did something wrong.

    Please remember to celebrate her in that moment.

    As that little one becomes wiser, she’ll also realize that “resolution” doesn’t necessarily mean working it out with the other person. She’ll find the courage to speak her truth and walk away with integrity when necessary, finding comfort in the fact that she did her best even when others didn’t agree with her decisions.

    And now for the kicker… you’re seriously not going to believe this one, but trust me, it happens.

    Once you figure out how to speak up while feeling love and compassion for the scared little one inside of you, you’ll almost magically help others move out of their own fight, flight, and freeze reactions.

    And for the most part, you’ll happily discover that you can build bridges where you once saw impasses.

    But deep down somewhere you already know all of this, don’t you?

    My wish for you is that you allow yourself to live it a little sooner, so that life is a little less painful for you.

    But I also know that it’s through this struggle that you become stronger, so as I write these words I hesitate to even suggest taking that journey away from you. Just know that you will get there.

    Dedicated to CDM, the queen of love bubbles who had the infinite patience needed to teach me how to unfreeze.

    *Author’s Note: In this post, I use she/her pronouns because I’m speaking from my own lived experience. However, this message is meant for anyone it resonates with, regardless of gender identity. Please feel free to replace the pronouns with those that feel right for you.

  • How to Love Yourself Through Cancer or Any Other Terrifying Diagnosis

    How to Love Yourself Through Cancer or Any Other Terrifying Diagnosis

    “If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.” ~Frank Lane

    One minute your life is just humming along, and out of nowhere you’re hit with a devastating diagnosis. Cancer.

    Believe me, I know what it’s like to get the news you have cancer and to live with the trauma that follows, because I’m not only a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve been treated for both breast cancer and leukemia.

    I know how that diagnosis changes everything. I know how the world around you can still look the same, but suddenly you feel like a stranger in your own life.

    You have trouble getting up in the morning. You have trouble getting to sleep. When you finally get to sleep you’re jolted awake by nightmares. Or maybe you sleep all the time. You can’t eat, or you can’t stop eating.

    You’re drinking too much. You’re smoking too much. You’re terrified, exhausted, and have no idea how you’re going to get through the next few hours, let alone the days, or weeks ahead.

    When I was going through chemo for breast cancer, I read all the books about surviving cancer I could get my hands on. I talked to my oncologist and to other women going through the same thing, trying to find the way to “do cancer right.”

    I worried myself sick that I would get things wrong, until a friend said, “You know, everybody does things differently. Just find what works for you, and do that.” Those words changed everything for me.

    I realized there wasn’t “a right way” to do cancer. There was just the way that worked best for me.

    I believe it’s the same for you. No matter what kind of diagnosis you’re facing, it’s up to you to find what works for you and do that.

    To get you through those tough first days, I’m offering you some thoughts and techniques that worked for me. I hope some of them will work for you, too.

    Be Gentle With Yourself

    When you’re going through a tough time, you may not have the time or energy keep up your usual self-care routine. So, why not let the big things go and start looking for little things you can do instead?

    If you can’t get to the gym, go out for a ten-minute walk at lunch. If you don’t have time to cook a nutritious dinner, add a salad or vegetable to your take-out order.

    Instead of trying to check things off your to-do list, think of ways to make life easier for yourself. If you don’t have time to do something yourself, hire someone, or ask for help.

    Focus on what’s best for you, and that means speaking up for yourself. If you don’t have the time or energy to do something, say “no,” and don’t feel guilty about it.

    Find the Joy

    Be sure to do something you love every day, even if it’s just for a few minutes: sit on a beach, gaze at the stars, read a book, go for a walk, watch a funny You Tube video or TV show. Smile when you can and laugh as often as possible, because laughter connects you with the world in a way that eases anxiety and heals the heart.

    Affirm Courage, Love, and Safety

    What you say to yourself matters. And when you’re going through a tough time, positive self-talk can make a real difference in how you think and feel.

    When I was struggling to find even one positive thought, I found it really helpful to focus on powerful affirmations instead. So, if you find yourself spiraling downward into the depths of negativity, try the following process to break that cycle.

    Healing Affirmations

    Begin by saying your name out loud. Then remind yourself that you’re safe and secure in the moment. Let that feeling soak all the way in to your belly and your bones.

    Once you feel safe, affirm:

    “I have the spirit, will, and courage to meet any challenge ahead.”

    “I can handle anything, one step at a time.”

    “I am always surrounded and protected by light and love.”

    “I speak to myself with loving kindness. I treat myself with loving kindness. I care for myself with loving kindness.”

    “I am always moving in a positive direction toward a positive future.”

    “I am safe.”

    End by promising you will always treasure yourself and honor your beautiful spirit. Affirm courage, love, and safety.

    Nourish Yourself

    Experts recommend eating well, and eliminating sugary and processed foods, alcohol, and caffeine when you’re under stress.

    But maybe you’re having trouble eating anything at all. Or maybe you’re living on chicken noodle soup, pretzels, and chocolate doughnuts.

    Please, give yourself a break. When you’re going through a traumatic experience it’s no time to be following a strict diet or to beat yourself for not eating a balanced diet. Instead, focus on making healthy food choices when you can, and letting go of judgment when you can’t.

    If you find you’re having trouble eating, choose foods you can tolerate and enjoy smaller portions more often through the day.

    If you’re over eating, try eating fruits and vegetables first. Commit to eating only when you’re sitting down. Focus on eating more slowly.

    But if you’ve tried everything you can think of and are still struggling with food, please let your health care provider know what ‘s going on. They’re there to give you support and help in all aspects of your health care.

    Rest

    A good night’s sleep is an important part of healing your body, mind, and spirit, but if you’re struggling to get enough sleep there are a number of things you can do.

    Try going to bed an hour earlier each night. The extra time in bed can give your body some needed rest.

    Once you’re in bed, do your best to keep your focus off your troubles. Relive happy memories, or imagine yourself vacationing in a place where you can relax and enjoy.

    If you haven’t fallen asleep after twenty minutes, get up and do something calming. Write in your journal, do a crossword puzzle, or sip a cup of herbal tea.

    Finally, if you aren’t able to get enough sleep at night, take a nap during the day. Make it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule. If time is an issue, try scheduling all your activities and responsibilities before lunch, leaving your afternoon for napping or resting.

    Seek Support

    It’s important not to go through this alone. And asking for help is a sign of strength and courage, not weakness.

    When things get rough, call a friend or a family member and ask for support and help.

    If you’re completely overwhelmed and don’t know where to turn, consider getting some professional help. Talking to a mental health provider can give you new insight, hope, and bring you peace.

    Finally, you may also want to consider working with a support group. There’s great power in knowing you’re not the only one suffering this kind of challenge. There are people who are in the same boat and know exactly how you feel.  They may be able to offer comfort and advice in the days ahead.

    Give

    Giving is another powerful way to connect with the people around you. It reminds you of the gifts you still have, and that you’re not the only one going through a tough time.

    There are lots of ways to lend a hand. Offer to drive a neighbor to a medical appointment. Walk the dogs at your local animal shelter. Write a check to your favorite charity or drop a few coins in the donation can as you pass by. Send a card or text to a friend to help them through the day.

    If you’d like to make a longer term commitment, volunteer at your local library, food bank, or senior center.

    And if you think you don’t have any energy or time or left to give, give a compliment. Share a smile or a kind word. You never know how that one small gift could change a life.

    Give Yourself a Healing Hug

    Hugging is a way to give yourself comfort and peace in the middle of any storm. Acupressure is a powerful way to bring ease to both body and spirit.

    I combine both techniques in what I call a healing hug, and highly recommend it to ease fear and panic that can be a part of these tough days.

    Begin by crossing your arms over your chest. There are two important acupressure points located in the soft tissue just under your collarbones called the “letting go” points.

    Chances are that by crossing your arms, your fingertips have landed on those “letting go” points. Take a moment and feel around until you find the spots, about two inches above your armpit crease and an inch inward.

    Once you’re found the points, pull your arms close around you in a comforting, self-hug, and gently massage those “letting go” points with your fingertips. Continue to breathe, noticing on each exhale how the tension and fear flow down your spine and out of your body.

    —

    No matter how difficult or scary your diagnosis, treating yourself with love and kindness will make the journey through the those first tough days easier, and give you a head start on enjoying the sunshine waiting for you on the other side.

  • When I Stopped Competing, I Set Myself Free

    When I Stopped Competing, I Set Myself Free

    “With nothing to compare yourself to, aren’t you perfect?” ~Byron Katie

    I have never liked competition. Every time I compete, I feel pressured and disconnected from others. I love harmony, peace, collaboration, and win-win situations, kind of like “me happy, you happy.” I don’t need to watch another person lose the game to feel good about myself. I don’t need to dominate or put someone else down in order to feel superior and worthy.

    In some cultures, competing is perceived as a sign of ambition, power, and strength. Most of us grew up hearing constant comparisons, which turned into a habit during our adult lives:

    “Do I look better than her? I want to be slimmer.”

    “How much is he earning? I want more.”

    “Where does she live? I want a house at least that size.”

    And so on…

    In my home country, Romania, like in many other places, the schooling system was a fierce competition to get the best grades and be the first in the class. As a child, I remember spending an average of ten hours a day studying and doing homework during weekdays. I hardly had any time to play and relax.

    Teachers were always making comparisons between students, parents would compare their children to their friends’ or neighbors’ kids, and no one truly encouraged individual talents.

    As a result of this conditioning, I ended up struggling with serious self-esteem issues for many years. As a young woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough, and I desperately tried to be perfect.

    When I wasn’t competing with other people, I was competing with myself. I was always striving to be the best friend I could be, the best daughter, or the best employee at work. Pleasing others was addictive because I felt validated whenever I heard “well done!” And then I wanted to do even better.

    I am not here to blame. I am not a victim. My parents did the best they could at the time, and society did the best it knew, so I am not blaming but instead looking for hidden and limiting beliefs that have worked against me. Here’s what I have realized I need to do:

    1. Stop competing with other people.

    “Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Our society often encourages competition. There are some circumstances when we have no choice but to compete—when applying for a new position at work or attending job interviews, for example. However, there are situations when we make the rules, and the choice is entirely up to us. We can live our own lives and mind our own journey, or we can choose to compete with others over who’s more attractive, wealthier, happier, or more successful.

    During my single years, I often compared myself to other women. Most of them seemed settled; they were married and had the house, the men, the kids, and the dog. I used to feel like a failure, as if something were wrong with me. I met my husband when I was thirty-six. We were two Romanians working in Asia, for the same company. Small world, indeed. We’ve been happily married for four years now.

    So here what I’ve learned: Everyone is on their own path, and we all do what’s right for ourselves, in our own time. I believe we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly—at the right time, in the right place. Comparing ourselves to others is an infinite source of stress and frustration, and it doesn’t serve us well.

    2. Stop competing against myself.

    “Doing your best is more important than being the best.” ~Zig Ziglar

    Perfection is nothing but pure fiction, an illusion created by our minds. It’s also a learned practice. Most of us were raised to constantly strive to become better people—to focus on our flaws and perceived limitations—and we either take our strengths for granted or aren’t even aware of them.

    While we are all learning from our experiences and mistakes, we also need to be aware of our gifts and talents. We need to celebrate our uniqueness and detach ourselves from the toxic habit of comparing ourselves to others.

    Yet here I am, in my forties, still reading about infinite ways to become a better human. With so much focus on the need for improvement, particularly in the personal development industry, I wonder when I am ever supposed to turn into the best version of myself and find peace.

    So I’ve stopped competing with myself. I refuse to fight against myself so that I can reach the end of the tunnel, and I am no longer waiting for the magical day when I will become perfect and faultless.

    Why turn my life into a never-ending competition? True friendship is not about competing against each other. It’s about support and collaboration. Why act as my competitor when I can be my own best friend?

    As the Chinese proverb says, “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

    If I am to spend my precious time waiting to grow into the best of myself, there will always be something to change, add, fix, or transform so that I can finally feel whole and complete.

    Life doesn’t have to be such a daily struggle. I don’t have to fix myself because I am not broken.

    I embrace the entire repertoire of my humanity with self-love and compassion. I choose not to be a “work in progress.” My desire for growth is about taking each day as an opportunity to learn more about life and myself.

    That’s how I discover who I really am and what brings me genuine happiness and fulfillment. By releasing old patterns and limiting beliefs that don’t serve me well, I get closer to my real human essence. My life is all about experiencing things as they come. It is a journey of self-discovery, not self-improvement.

    Since I changed my perspective, I’ve stopped beating myself up. I now talk to myself kindly. I treat myself with dignity and respect. I know I am worthy of the best things life has to offer, and it is my birthright to be happy. My happiness is nothing to compete or fight for.

    I also choose to see myself as perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect. I celebrate my mistakes as much-needed opportunities for growth. I celebrate both success and failure because this is what makes me wiser. I treat every life experience as an opportunity to learn new things about myself and other people.

    Furthermore, I’ve learned to forgive myself for my mistakes in the same way I forgive others, knowing I am also human. As a student at the school of life, I will sometimes rise and sometimes fall, and that is okay. I no longer strive to become the best version of myself. Instead, I always do the best I can. When I know I’ve done the best I could, there’s no room for regrets. Whenever I know better, I do better.

    I am enough and worthy, so I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not even to myself. Newborns and babies do not compete against each other. They love and approve of themselves as they are. In our competition-oriented society, we need to remind ourselves more of our true nature, which is balanced, loving, and peaceful.

    I believe the world needs fewer fighters and competitors. The world needs more givers, peacemakers, and soul nurturers, and it also needs more compassion.

    The day I stopped competing against myself and others, I set myself free.

    Artwork by Rebecca Freeman

  • Loving Yourself When You’ve Become Addicted to Self-Improvement

    Loving Yourself When You’ve Become Addicted to Self-Improvement

    “Whatever purifies you is the right path.” ~Rumi  

    I’m tired of being good. It’s time to be deliciously free.

    How I wish I could say that without rushing in to assure you that I promise I’ll still be good.

    The truth is, I worry. Less than I used to, but still, I do.

    I’ve probably had every kind of worry you could imagine. There’s the kind about things that haven’t happened yet, things that didn’t but very nearly could have, things that are highly unlikely if not impossible, things that are commonplace; I’ve worried about the things I want and the things I don’t, the purpose and the impermanence of life.

    Underneath, they all seem to stem from the same big fear that I am not good enough.

    This worry manifests itself as indecision, overthinking, holding grudges, and comparison. My expectations and criticisms originate there.

    Peek inside my head in my most afraid moments and you’re sure to find a motivational poster gone horribly wrong:

    We all have the same twenty-four hours, so what’s your excuse? Hustle! No pain, no gain! Stop playing small. Take massive action, go all-in. They’re crushing it, why aren’t you? The steps to success are quick, easy, and proven. Do whatever it takes. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. The universe loves speed. #YOLO. 

    I’ve spent a lot of time and mental energy on what I thought was self-improvement. Now, I’m seeing it for what it really was: self-medicating. The pressure to always be moving, always be achieving, faster, faster, hurry up and keep up was an addiction.

    This addiction was a symptom of losing trust in my own worth.

    I’d wear the way I treated myself like a badge of honor as if it somehow made me more worthwhile. Yet, I criticized myself about it, too. “Don’t be so rigid,” I’d command myself, followed up quickly by, “But be more disciplined.”

    I thought for a while that my worries were about control, but now I’m seeing that control was never the problem. I thought maybe it was perfection I sought. That wasn’t it, either.

    This was never really about success or approval, and certainly not improvement. What I’ve been seeking all along is freedom, and that’s what scared me the most.

    My indecision wasn’t about the decision itself, it was about doubting my ability to decide freely. Staying in relationships even though they hurt me wasn’t about the love or the loss, it was about doubting my right to choose myself, freely.

    Underneath every fear, every worry, every grudge and comparison was doubt in who I am, what I’m worth, and what right I had to take up the time and space to figure this out.  

    And now that I see things more clearly, I am clear about what I truly want. I want liberation.

    I want to free myself from the ghosts of the past and fears of the future. I long to be free from shame and the barriers I’ve built against my own peace. I want to use my voice freely and heal my steadfast heart. I want to freely and lovingly inhabit this body that’s stood by me no matter how much I’ve abused it.

    I want to rise up, thank the day, and carry on. Freely.

    Even as I’m writing these words to you, I’m learning what I need to do to stop the cycle.

    I need to practice making different choices and voicing different beliefs: Time is not money, it’s medicine. I need not be so disciplined but discerning. Not productive but perceptive.

    I’m learning the difference between moving quickly and moving honestly, and I’m replacing “should” with “I can if I so desire.”

    Oh, and I feel the resistance to this. The resistance is withdrawal, and it’s a natural part of the recovery process.

    But even with this insight, the fear of the unknown and the craving of familiarity are still there.

    Who will I become if I were truly free?  
    What value will I have?
    What if I fail?
    What if I disappoint? 

    Each time I set myself free, I will fly back to my cage until I trust the process of healing and love myself unconditionally.

    This is the painful part about finding and expressing yourself that no one really talks about. Loving yourself and trusting fully in your inherent worth is risky.

    You will surely fail at your previous rules and fall short of your old expectations as you explore new, more open ways of being. Someone is bound to be disappointed when you start existing as yourself, for yourself. The people who thought they knew you when you were only a fraction of yourself will say you’ve changed. They may not know what to do with you anymore.

    There may be judgment and misunderstanding. There may be rejection. You may feel lost. You may get less done, things may take longer, your work may be less popular or less profitable.

    And there will be the trappings of who you said you were everywhere. I still have a drawer full of makeup and hair products, perfume, and high heels that I will never use again. Maybe it’s time to let that version of me go.

    As you move closer to freedom, the ghost of who you tried to be will linger, haunting you. It will show up as a craving for likes and shares, for affirmation from someone else of your worth.

    Little by little, as you shed the security blankets put down over the years, you will move away from the conditions of your worth. Through forgiveness, setting and enforcing boundaries, more authentic yes’s and no’s, and growing more clear in what you want and where your true priorities lie, you will find new depths of freedom and space. It will be empowering and terrifying.

    What I’m discovering now is that you need to meet these challenges with grace and compassion.

    Letting go gives you space, but it needs space, too. Space brings solace and allows expansion. If you need to, stabilize. There’s no need to feel like a complete stranger in your own skin. Seek comfort and familiarity, but do it consciously. If you fall into old patterns, treat yourself with kindness, not judgment.  And then carry on, consciously.

    Have the courage to ride the cravings out. Resist the habit of proving your worth and earning your freedom. The doubts will try to convince you that they’re making you better, more worthy. Remember that it never worked that way before.

    I’m seeing now that what I do or don’t do, how far I do or don’t go, what I do or don’t achieve has never been the question. The question is, what frees me?

    I may not know what my freedom holds, and I may still face that uncertainty with some degree of fear, but I’m learning to trust that the pins and needles of waking up are the cure to what’s really ailing me.

    The greatest opportunities are not found in safety or certainty. Just as in facing any fear, the old beliefs about your worth need to be threatened in order to be changed.

    Each time we practice asking ourselves what will set us free, we’ll learn to speak the language of our intuition that much more fluently.

    Each time we practice validating our own perspective, we’ll learn to distinguish between wisdom and sound bites that much more naturally.

    One layer at a time, we will build a foundation of trust in ourselves and our inherent worth, and I have to believe that this will set us free.

  • How to Start Dating from a Place of Self-Love

    How to Start Dating from a Place of Self-Love

    “You must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else.” ~Sonja Mylin

    It’s tough being out there.

    I remember myself some years ago embracing the world of online dating. Everyone kept telling me “be yourself” (and I kept telling myself that), but when I was actually on a date, “myself” would fly out the window.

    I’d go hard on the impressing, second-guess myself, drink too much, look for every little thing we had in common (even if the person did not feel right), feel devastated if I was rejected, and utterly lose sight of what I was on the date for in the first place. Perhaps I didn’t really know who I was or how to be her in what I saw as a confronting environment.

    Dating brings out all our fears and vulnerabilities. You’re basically putting yourself on a platter, asking folks to judge you: “Pick me! Pick me!” like someone on a reality TV competition. You forget that it’s a two-way street. That you are looking for a suitable love (or a lover) to be with you, and that is all.

    We get the little brain buzz from being swiped right, from the initial contact message, from a nod of approval when we arrive. All of these microsigns can feel so great that they interrupt our reasonable thinking around who we’re looking for.

    Or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, we’re bombarded with messages from people we’re just not into (and straight up jerks), we go on dates that end up in an awful mess, we get rejected or we reject, which crushes someone, and it all feels terrible.

    It’s easy to lose heart.

    Dating doesn’t have to be like that. There are ways to bring it all back to what you are actually dating for in the first place. I know for myself that love came my way when I dug down a little deeper, stopped adjusting what I wanted from a relationship, gave it some time, had fun, and was really myself—warts, opinions, and all.

    Here are five ways to be out there from a place of self-love and have a much better chance of finding the real love you’re looking for.

    1. You are dating to find someone for you, not just to impress.

    This isn’t a job interview: dating is an opportunity for two people to find out if they like each other enough to keep finding out. No one is in a position of power over the other.

    Try not to spend the whole date putting all your energy into impressing the other person. Remember that you are checking them out as much as they are checking you out, and that you are making a decision too.

    2. Identify your values and then look for a match based on those instead of just shared interests.

    Sure, you want to be able to enjoy spending time with your partner, but contrary to popular opinion, your partner doesn’t need to be your best friend. You don’t need to do every single thing together. It’s far more important that you have similar core values. Interests can change, but values at their very core generally hold.

    What traits and ways of behaving are most important to you? What do you believe in? What world issues really pull your heartstrings? What would you fight for? How will you be able to tell if someone shares your values?

    Spend some time with yourself to drill down into the deeper stuff and then look for matching connections. Shared values will make for rich conversation and bring you back together when times are tough, not the fact that you both like white water rafting or watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.

    3. Stop performing a version of you.

    Many of us filter out the stuff we think might be seen as weird or boring or stupid when we’re dating. Or, it becomes normal to present a curated, cooler version of you. Of course you want to put your best foot forward, but sometimes it’s stripped back so much that who you are becomes completely invisible.

    Dating is not a numbers game. You don’t need loads of matches to find someone. You need matches with fewer folks who are really going to get you. Who will think you’re cute and funny and smart and interesting (even when you’re driving them mad).

    If you love binging Pretty Little Liars and cheap chocolate, painting old furniture, sleeping in until 4pm on Saturday afternoon, devouring true crime podcasts, attending the odd rally, and you wish you were an earth mother but are really more of a city gal who likes to shop, then that’s you.

    And my bet is that you are pretty unique and special with all your faults and quirks. We fall in love with real people, not pretend ones. If someone doesn’t love the real you, why are you with them in the first place? Wouldn’t it be far more wonderful to be cherished even when you are not the curated version of yourself?

    4. Don’t interpret “fun” as just the other person having fun.

    Hands up: Who is fantastic at helping other people relax—so much so that you forget to actually notice if you are having fun too?

    We all have roles we tend to play in life, and if yours is along these lines, then I’d encourage you to swallow that role somewhat and see what happens when you don’t leap into “Make them feel good” mode.

    Live with an awkward silence. Notice if you’re being asked questions, listened to, or engaged in conversation on a similar level to what you’re putting in. Spout an opinion or two. Not going well? Then it maybe this one isn’t for you. And phew! You found out early on.

    FYI: “Fun,” for those who have forgotten (because you’ve been out there way too long) is having a bit of a laugh and feeling relatively at ease.

    5. Yep, it should be pretty easy.

    Myth-busting time: Relationships don’t need to be hard and shouldn’t need to be “worked on” all the time. Are your friendships like that? My guess is that the good ones are not. Sure, they have ups and downs. There are misunderstandings and times of trouble. But ultimately, you really like each other’s company. You can rely on each other.

    The best relationships are fairly easy. They need to be able to stand the test of time. If it’s hard when nothing hard is happening, how is it going to be when something really hard is happening?

    Sure, there are situations that are supposed to be fun but instead can be fraught with issues (like moving in together). When we’re invested in someone and then mesh our lives together, that has some serious weight and it makes sense there will be teething.

    But if you’re on date four and it’s uncomfortable, combative, awkward, and pressure-filled, and you feel bad about yourself, or the other person is trying to control you? This one is most likely not for you.

    —

    Ultimately, dating from a place of self-love is about believing that you are worthy just as you are, and that there is someone out there (maybe several someone’s) who you can and will connect with.

    It’s not just about being loved—it’s about you loving someone else. And if you’re coming from a place of self-love, then you will ultimately run the dating gauntlet with kindness, self-respect, and vulnerability without heaping a load of meaning onto rejection. Rejection means this one wasn’t right for you, nothing more, and thank god they did you a favor! Because you are deserving of the real, luscious thing with someone truly amazing.

  • A Simple Practice to Help You Appreciate How Wonderful You Are

    A Simple Practice to Help You Appreciate How Wonderful You Are

    “Stop criticizing yourself for everything you aren’t and start appreciating yourself for everything you are.” ~Unknown

    Are you your own best friend, your own worst critic, or somewhere in between? Do you tend to focus on what you see as your flaws, mistakes, and imperfections, comparing yourself to others you think are better than you? Sometimes, do you even wish you were someone else?

    It’s easy to get trapped in that way of thinking, especially in today’s consumer culture. From magazine ads to TV commercials, we are trained to compare ourselves to others and are subtly told we are not enough—not attractive enough, smart enough, popular enough, etc.

    While I try to practice mindfulness and not fall into this trap, living in this culture, I am not immune to that way of thinking. I was reminded of this just the other day, when I met a young couple who came to stay in a suite my husband and I rent out in our house.

    Having been doing housework and, not realizing the time, I opened the door with no make-up, in faded jeans, an old tee shirt, and sneakers. On the other side of the doorway, the young woman stood with perfectly applied make-up, perfectly styled hair, a cute dress, and heels, looking like she had just left a fashion magazine shoot.

    Meanwhile, the young man stared at me with a blank expression, which I took to mean he did not like me. I felt intimidated and inferior.

    A few days later, my husband saw the couple and had a short conversation with them. In it, he later told me, they actually raved about me!

    They said they were deeply impressed with a calm, “Zen” quality they sensed I had and instantly felt comfortable and relaxed around me. Considering what I had thought of the encounter, I was astonished to hear that. This taught me an important lesson.

    While we might worry about what we see as one of our flaws, others might not even notice it and instead be dazzled by one of our virtues.

    If others can see us in this positive light, so can we. But how?

    After studying several personal growth books, articles, and online classes, I gathered some key points about self-appreciation and wove them into a powerful practice. It helped me tremendously and I share it here in hopes it will do the same for you.

    Through it, you might experience for the first time in your whole life a real sense of self-appreciation and self-love. It’s something you can do any time you feel self-doubt or self-judgement or inferiority. It can help you relax into the knowingness that you are a unique, wonderful being.

    Embracing Yourself Practice

    Sadly, we often overlook the miracle that’s closest to us. It’s available to us from the moment we’re born to the moment we die. It’s ourselves.

    This practice is designed to help you connect with your own miraculous nature and appreciate how wonderful you really are.

    1. Centering yourself

    To get the most from this experience, feel free to turn off distractions like the TV, the ringer on your phone, and any kind of message alerts. Put your mental to-do list aside, just for now. It will still be there after this experience.

    Create some quiet, uninterrupted time to step back and nourish yourself. Give yourself permission to pause and receive the gift of this time. Make yourself comfortable, either sitting or laying down, preferably laying down.

    Gather your thoughts and energy from all the different directions they’ve been going. Bring them in and let them rest for these few moments, while you turn your attention to being here now.

    Take one slow, calming breath and release it. Take another deep breath and release it.

    2. Appreciating your body

    When you’re ready, rest your hands over your heart. Can you feel your heart beating?

    Breathing in, feel your lungs expand with air. Breathing out, feel your lungs relax. Again, feel them expanding in and relaxing out.

    Leave your hands over your heart or wrap them around your torso in a hug. Breathing in, feel your lungs expand. Breathing out, feel your lungs relax.

    Breathing normally, think about the amazing processes happening in your body right now, this very moment—the blood being circulated, the oxygen being exchanged, the cells absorbing nutrients, the nerves and neurons allowing you to hear the sounds around you.

    Feel the sensation of sitting or lying down where you are.

    Reflect on how a thought sends an impulse from your brain to your spinal cord, to your nerves, to your muscles, allowing you to move. Feel appreciation for your body for allowing you to experience life in this way.

    3. Appreciating your essence

    Now, reflect on your uniqueness. Of the billions of people on this planet, there is only one you.

    Think about the spark of life that animates your body, your essence that makes you, you. You might think of it as your personality or your spirit.

    Can you sense it? Do you feel or see anything related to it? Feel awe and appreciation for it.

    Think of the special qualities that make you a unique individual.

    Think of one quality you are grateful for about yourself. Maybe that quality is the fact that you are trying your best or something else. Whatever quality comes to mind, appreciate that about yourself.

    Feel grateful for another thing about yourself, maybe your intelligence or something else. Then feel grateful for another thing about yourself, maybe your kind heart or something else.

    Reflect on this idea: Life has good reason for expressing itself through you.

    4. Sending yourself love

    Feel the warmth of your hands on your heart or your torso. Feel appreciation for the unique individual you are.

    Think to yourself or say out loud, “I love myself.” Pause.

    Think or say again, “I love myself.” Pause.

    Think or say again, “I love myself.” Notice how that feels. Let that love sink in.

    Add anything else positive you’d like to say to yourself. What do you need to hear right now?

    Appreciate yourself for doing this practice. Rest your mind, taking a few more deep breaths. Look out and around you from this place of connection with yourself.

    Feel free to do this practice as often as you like, maybe a few times a week before getting up in the morning or before going to sleep at night—any time you’d like to feel a greater appreciation for yourself, any time you’d like to remind yourself that you are a miracle…because you are!