Tag: self-care

How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

“Displace the pain. Put it in a camera, in a story, in a poem, in a song, in a lover, in a canvas.” ~Unknown

As an aspiring mental health counselor, I’m a huge advocate for self-care. I think it’s extremely important to educate people about the benefits of taking the time to nourish our souls and to give ourselves some TLC.

I have several go-to ways I like to take care of myself, from practicing yoga to immersing myself in nature to writing to taking the time to mindfully apply my favorite lotion.

I find myself engaging in these activities on days with good weather and when I’m generally happy.

Lately, however, I’ve noticed that it’s during the times when it’s hardest to think about self-care, whether our schedules are jam-packed, we are going through a difficult time, or we just don’t feel our best, that self-care is critical.

It’s easy to want to do fun activities or be nice to ourselves when life is looking good, but it’s much harder to have the energy or desire to take care of ourselves when times are tough.

But isn’t that when we most need to be our own best friends and supporters?

This all became even clearer to me when I received devastating news not too long ago. My childhood dog, Maggie, had passed away from kidney failure at fourteen years old. My desire to cook a nice meal for myself, write in my gratitude journal, or work out went right out the window.

All I felt was numb, and all I wanted to do was to fade into the couch and cry.

As human beings, when we experience a grief reaction or a trauma, it’s natural for us to freeze, feel numb, or to want to retreat and isolate.

While I believe it’s crucial that we listen to our bodies and give ourselves time to grieve, express ourselves, or react however we need to during that time (as long we aren’t causing damage to ourselves), we must also advocate for our healing and well-being.

I’m not saying that this is easy by any means, and this process is different for everyone. It might even seem foreign, unnatural, forced, or even impossible at first to think about doing activities that are fun or require energy when we are in a state of crisis or disarray.

As humans, we’re hardwired to want to stay in our comfort zone, but that’s not where the growth happens, nor where our optimal levels of health and happiness reside.

Since Maggie’s passing, it’s been hard to get myself to do even basic things, such as eat full meals, and it’s been difficult to go about my day knowing at any moment I could start crying uncontrollably.

Although it’s still very fresh, I could feel myself beginning to slip into a place that wasn’t healthy or beneficial to my well-being. I wanted to be careful not to let myself be completely overcome by the grief of losing her.

I was thinking about how I could let myself express the emotions of heartbreak, sadness, and emptiness yet still find a way to take care of myself. The first thing that came to mind was writing.

I’ve always been a writer at heart. My pen and paper (or these days, laptop) have gotten me through some pretty dark and challenging times. I knew that the self-care I needed at that moment was to open up a word document and just type.

When I allowed myself to get lost in my writing, I found that my heart felt a little lighter.

Self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, and it isn’t just one thing. For some it might include booking a full day at the spa, while for others it might be much more low-key. The awesome part is, no matter what type of self-care you choose to participate in, you will receive the full benefits.

If you’re not sure where to start and you’d like some helpful strategies, look no further. I’m no expert, but I am committed to practicing self-care.

Here are some tips and ideas that have been helpful for me:

1. There is no right or wrong way to “do” self-care.

Before you truly begin incorporating self-care into your life and feeling the benefits of it, it’s natural to wonder if you’re approaching it right. The good news is: There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care, as long as you’re doing activities that contribute to your level of happiness or sense of well-being.

Allow yourself to be led by your intuition of what you need.

Practice disabling the part of yourself that wants to censor yourself or question the quality of the activities you’re doing and the work you’re producing as you’re engaging in self-care.

If you’re writing, for instance, you can edit it later. If you’re dancing, let yourself be guided by the rhythm of your body rather than your brain trying to keep perfect time or form.

2. Incorporate some form of self-care into your daily routine.

You might not always have the time or energy to do a full workout or practice your favorite self-care activity, but you can find little ways to take care of yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Even just a five or ten-minute practice can make a huge difference.

For example, as you are waking up in the morning, take some time to repeat with confidence a positive mantra or affirmation that coincides with your goal or intention for the day. Or set aside a short window of time for deep breathing or a walk in nature. Little things can make a big difference.

3. Consider the Wellness Wheel.

As you begin to integrate self-care into your life or work to maintain the strategies you’ve already implemented, think about the several different types of wellness (physical, emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual, environmental, occupational).

Take the time to understand which self-care activities are connected to the different types of wellness. This might help bring things into perspective.

There may be times when some parts of your wheel seem more plentiful than others. If you find yourself stuck or lacking in a specific area, you can work to nurture those parts of your wellness wheel, but you can also feel grateful for the parts that are blossoming.

4. Inform others about your self-care practices.

If your self-care means unplugging for a day and others are going to want to contact you, you might want to let them know that you’ll be out of reach and explain why.

It might be difficult for some people to wrap their heads around it, or you might receive some pushback (remember, change is hard). People may be used to you always being available, but for others this could be a chance to understand your needs better and hopefully provide encouragement and support.

It might be a challenge to get into a groove with your self-care if you’re just beginning, so talking to family or close friends about the changes you’re making might spark something for them as well.

Maybe your friends have wanted to make similar shifts, and they’d like to try it with you. Rather than hearing complaints for taking five hours instead of five minutes to answer a text, you might just inspire them to unplug too.

5. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t forget to celebrate successes.

Just like any change you’re trying to make in life, it doesn’t always happen immediately or all at once, but rather over time.

If you experience a self-care setback, such as falling out of a new practice, being overcome by grief, or not dedicating as much time to it as you’d like, try your best to be gentle with yourself and use positive self-talk.

On the other hand, if the positive changes you’re noticing seem very small, try your best to remember to celebrate your efforts and the changes you are seeing. With positivity and commitment, you’ll notice the changes might begin to get bigger, and they might last longer too.

Self-care isn’t meant to be a quick fix to make all uncomfortable emotions disappear, and it won’t replace the difficult recovery processes we must go through when we endure trauma, experience extreme loss, or work to get out of a rut that we’re stuck in for whatever reason.

It can, however, help us take the pain we feel and soften it, or channel it into strength or something beautiful.

Self-care can help us feel a sense of happiness, gratitude, hope, and healing.

So, have fun with it! Experiment so you can see which types of self-care suit you and your lifestyle. If you feel yourself getting stuck, listen to your mind, body, and intuition—they know you the best.

January 12, 2015
How to Stop Tying Your Worth to Things Outside Yourself

“If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.” ~Unknown

There’s nothing like being one of the few black kids in your school to make you feel like the odd person out.

Well, that was my experience, anyway. I appreciate my parents’ desire to provide my brother and me with a safe neighborhood to live in and a good education, but growing up in a predominantly white area really affected me. I very rarely felt like I fit in among my peers.

That didn’t stop me from trying, though. I did all I could to get people to like me—to feel accepted. Perfectionism quickly became my best friend.

The pressure I put on myself to be perfect wasn’t completely unproductive. I ended up earning the honor of being my school’s first black valedictorian. I also lost seventy pounds and became a renowned soloist in my school district.

But those accomplishments still weren’t enough to make me feel worthy. Deep down, what I really wanted was a boyfriend. Maybe if I could find a boy to like me, I thought, I wouldn’t feel so different from my peers.

Unfortunately, finding a boyfriend proved to be difficult. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one years old that I had my first kiss and met my first serious boyfriend. Finally, I felt normal—all because a man believed I was special.

The problem with connecting my relationship status with my self-worth is that I desperately clung to my boyfriend, despite the many red flags present within our relationship. It took nearly four years before I accepted that his behavior toward me was rather abusive and that I needed to leave.

By the time I left that relationship, my sense of worth was pretty shot. It’s ironic that low self-worth is what led me to the relationship, kept me in the relationship, and what I had to deal with once I left the relationship.

I learned the hard way that when we connect our worth with anything outside of ourselves, we’re setting ourselves up for failure.

Yes, it’s a common trap many of us find ourselves in, but it’s a dangerous one. During the last five years of healing from abuse, I’ve eventually come to realize that my worthiness is an entity separate from my appearance, relationship status, and success.

Yours is too.

These days, I firmly believe that a deep sense of self-worth is the foundation each person needs to fully thrive in his/her work, relationships, and other life endeavors. Despite what society likes to tell us, weight loss, engagement rings, and becoming the CEO of your company aren’t what make us worthy. Such things just don’t have that power in the long-term.

On the contrary, it is because we are worthy that we’re able to accomplish and enjoy such wonderful things. And when we believe we’re worthy, we bring more of our light into the world. We tend to attract similar light too.

So, how exactly does one develop a deep sense of self-worth?

That is the question—and the challenge.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re looking to deepen your self-worth. The following list is certainly not a formula, but it just might get you thinking about how you can get in touch with your own worthiness.

Acknowledge when you are seeking external validation.

It’s common to seek validation from others, so I wouldn’t expect you quit that habit cold turkey. You’re human!

That said, it’s important to at least acknowledge when you’re seeking it. “I’m looking for people to validate me so I feel worthy” might sound like a silly thing to say aloud, but you can’t address a problem until you acknowledge its existence.

Then, think about why external validation is so important to you.

Sometimes, when I find myself pining for more Facebook likes or a quick compliment from my husband, I stop myself and think. There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting people to appreciate my work or my husband to tell me I’m attractive, but if I’m wrapping up my entire well-being in either of those things, I’m in for some major disappointment.

Other people weren’t created to make me feel good about myself; that’s my own issue that I need to work on.

Usually, when we’re urgently seeking external validation, there’s a fear underlying our desperation. Getting in touch with those fears is important because then we can determine whether our fears are reality or just fears. Most of the time, they’re just fears, and we shouldn’t give them more power than they deserve.

Practice self-love by caring, comforting, and soothing yourself.

Often, when we’re longing for validation, it’s because we’re in need of attention. Caring, comforting, and soothing ourselves, particularly during hard times, need to become common practices. A lot of times we can give ourselves the attention we’re yearning for; we just have to get used to doing so.

I’m not suggesting that individuals can replace the role of community in their own lives; we still need loved ones to share life with us. But when we really value something, we treat it well. And you deserve to be at the top of the list of things you value, especially if you haven’t been for a significant period of time.

In other words, treat yourself like you know you’re worth it and one day, you just might believe it.

Be willing to believe you are worthy.

You might not have a whole lot of self-worth today, but that doesn’t mean you never will. So, while you’re doing the work of deepening your self-worth, believe that you are capable of doing so too. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Commit to the journey.

Deepening your sense of self-worth is no easy feat. It is, indeed, a journey. And because of all the topsy-turvy feelings this journey might invoke, it’s wise to commit to it prior to taking the first step.

Humans make significant decisions every day that require displays of commitment (i.e.: getting married, buying a house, adopting a pet). While I don’t think you have to plan a wedding ceremony for yourself (unless you really want to), I do think the decision to deepen your self-worth should be viewed as a significant one requiring the utmost commitment.

In fact, I’d say deepening your self-worth is one of the most significant commitments any person can make. Don’t you?

Grasping the connection between my self-worth and the way I treat myself was life-changing for me. If you’re struggling to believe in your own worthiness, I strongly suggest that you embark on your own journey towards doing so. That journey just might change your life too.

Besides, you’re worth it.

Woman relaxing image via Shutterstock

January 6, 2015
8 Draining Habits to Let Go if You Want to Be Happy

“We first make our habits, then our habits make us.” ~John Dryden

This may look good, sound good, and maybe even feel good at first, but it’s not serving you well in the end!

I’d hear this thought in my head over and over and still not believe it. But it had persisted ever since I started questioning the status quo in my life. And I don’t mean a loud, in-your-face, obnoxious line of questioning, but rather, a gentle curious whisper that asks: Well, why does it have to be this way, if I may ask?

Questioning the status quo is not a novelty in our modern society, but here’s the thing: I was questioning the good stuff, like great habits that I grew up with and ideals that are the foundation of my value system.

In a sad way, the thought made sense. Every time I’d finish going through the motions of one of my “great habits,” I’d feel drained, in a funk, out of sorts, exhausted, but not in an accomplished kind of way.

So I started adjusting my autopilot habits and I’m already feeling a shift toward serenity. I suppose this is the counter-intuitive inner work that makes self-discovery so much fun, right?

So, ready to question some of your great habits too? Check to see if you fall in the trap of a great habit that may not be serving you.

1. The habit of working hard at the exclusion of all else.

For the first six years of my corporate job, I was a complete workaholic. Those first years were also the least rewarding, financially and emotionally, because I neglected the more essential aspects of building a career, such as creating relationships and building trust.

Most of us are hard workers and we identify a sense of pride with it too. It’s how we were brought up; it’s what society expects and rewards.

Just beware the trap of hard work, especially if you’re using it as a Band-Aid on something that hasn’t given you results, such as working even harder to get ahead at work or to please someone in a relationship.

What to do instead: Pause long enough to examine the big picture and the situation at hand, and question your current approach. Is more work going really to give you the results you need?

2. The habit of taking care of everyone and everything else first.

I watched my mom make a lot of sacrifices for us over the years, but even as a kid I could see that a lot of them were at the expense of her own livelihood. I noticed that this made her bitter. While everyone around her was grateful, she did not need to go that far. She could be self-nurturing and caring to the rest of her family.

You may be a loving mother (or father or sibling), caring and giving, but to a fault.

You take care of everyone and everything else—even the laundry and the dishes!—before taking care of yourself. Sometimes at the expense of it. You’re sacrificing your own well-being because you don’t want to seem selfish.

What to do instead: Know that sacrifice does not earn the respect or gratitude of others. Being a good role model does. Take care of yourself so you’re strong and healthy for the important people in your life. It’s not selfish. It’s self-nurturing, it’s necessary, and you’re allowed.

3. The habit of listening to everyone’s problems without boundaries.

As an immigrant to the US, I was so hungry for making friends that I was over the moon if someone confided in me.

This habit grew into a habit of listening without any boundaries, and so I became the place my friends deposited all their problems. When I saw that it wasn’t helping them and it was wearing me down, I had to draw the line.

Listening is a gift, and if a friend needs to be heard, if a parent needs to voice concerns, if a spouse needs to vent about work, if a co-worker needs to complain, who better than a great listener?

Just watch out because being the bank where everyone deposits their complaints, outrage, sorrow, and pity can have its negative consequences and take its toll on you.

What to do instead: Listen enough to hear the initial problem, then gently move the conversation toward finding solutions, being optimistic, and focusing on the positive. If they still need a professional therapist, remember: it’s not your job to be one!

4. The habit of responding to every call to attention—email, phone, text—right away.

It’s wonderful to be responsive. I love responsive people, and I do my absolute best to get back to people. But this constant distraction can ruin your focus, disrupt your routine, and cause problems when running a business.

What to do instead: Be more stingy with your time and set aside dedicated slots to respond to texts, emails, and phone calls. Unless it’s an emergency, it can wait. Because this one’s deeply ingrained, train yourself little by little to master this one.

5. The habit of offering your expertise, products, or services free or cheap to friends and family.

My sister-in-law is a doctor and her generosity toward my family’s health questions knows no end. Sometimes, I feel that we abuse her medical expertise.

Whatever side of the situation you may be on—giving or receiving the deed—going too far can have an adverse short- or long-term effect on the relationship.

What to do instead: Set clear boundaries; give and ask for respect in this regard. It’s totally fine if you don’t want to offer your services or products at a discount or free just because people are related to you. It makes you a professional, that’s all.

6. The habit of getting straight A’s in every class in your life.

Ah, the A student dilemma! Every culture and society praises the A student and frowns on the C student. As a straight-A student my entire life, I can clearly see that it robbed so much happiness and fun out of my life.

If I could go back, I’d settle for B- and more fresh air and yoga, thank you!

What to do instead: Decide first if you even want to go to university or graduate school. Then define your own measure of success and stick to it. Learning and applying the knowledge is way more important than the final grade from your teacher so focus on that.

7. The habit of doing everything for your kids or students or elderly parents.

My mom has an aunt who still cooks and cleans for her thirty-five-year-old daughter, who’s a perfectly capable woman.

Do you do everything for others instead of showing them how to do it? Sometimes people need help, but if you condition them to having you do it all the time, they never become self-sufficient. You do them and yourself a disservice.

What to do instead: Before doing the next task for the person you’re helping, ask them if they’d like to learn how to do it. Start teaching and showing more and doing less.

8. The habit of pleasing others at the expense of your own dreams and desires.

The hardest part of quitting my job and starting my business was that I was going against my parents’ wishes for me. It was hard but absolutely and positively the only right path for me.

We are conditioned to say “yes” to please our family and loved ones. This can be detrimental to your happiness if you happen to want something else.

What to do instead: Be true to yourself. You can still be kind and gentle toward others, but you get one life, and your dreams and desires are your business, and they deserve your best shot.

—

Your turn now: Do any of these great habits make you pause and think? What other good habits have you found to get in the way of happy living?

November 30, 2014
Managing Chronic Pain: 5 Lessons from Being Hit by a Truck

“Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown

You know how people say, “It was like being hit by a truck”?

I know what they mean.

But the impact took over ten years.

It was a cold, snowy January, and I was in my car, singing along to the radio.

I was doing a steady, careful sixty miles per hour, in the middle lane of a busy British highway. I was on my way to deliver my first solo course for the company I’d joined a few months before. It was a good day.

Suddenly, my world shook. I saw a flash of yellow in the passenger side window, and two big bangs jerked me to a stop.

I went from cheerily singing to a terrified shaking in the front seat, car stopped dead at a lopsided angle in the fast lane.

My body, infused with adrenaline, struggled for air, and I felt paralyzed, knowing I needed to do something, move the car, get out, anything, but it was as if my brain was frozen. What the hell had just happened?

I’d been hit by a truck.

A foreign lorry (the driver on the opposite side of the cab to UK cars) had pulled into the middle lane without seeing it was already occupied. By me.

The side of his yellow truck hit the side of my car at sixty miles per hour, pushing it out of the way like a child knocking over toy soldiers.

I was shunted at speed into the fast lane, where I hit the back of another car. Instead of spinning out into the middle of the highway, I came to a stop after this second hit.

And then I wept as the adrenaline hit me and I realized what had just happened. And what could have happened. And was just grateful it was over.

I wonder what my reaction would have been if I could have seen the longer-term impact of that accident—the impact that would stretch ten years and more ahead of me.

Immediate Impact

At the time, I suffered mild whiplash, my car needed extensive work, and unsurprisingly, I didn’t deliver the course.

But after that, apart from some slight twinges in my shoulder and neck, I felt okay. Maybe a little quieter and more anxious than usual for a while, but okay.

There was some pain, but I saw an osteopath for a few sessions, and my body seemed to settle.

But after another couple of months, the pain returned. I saw the osteopath again, and after a few sessions it subsided.

Rinse and repeat.

This pattern happened again and again, and I started to expand my treatment options. Physio, acupuncture, Bowen, deep tissue massage—you name it, I probably tried it.

And although the treatment often did help, the intervals without pain became smaller and smaller until eventually, the pain was constant. I was diagnosed with chronic pain, something you need to manage, rather than acute pain, something you can cure.

Sometimes You Have to Learn Lessons the Hard Way

Fast forward another five years, and I’m no longer in London, working in a stressful job with long hours and high demands.

I spend most of my time in Thailand. Yoga is a big part of my life, as is writing, blogging, and sharing both my expertise as a psychologist and my experiences as someone who’s lived through great personal change and development myself.

So what lessons did I learn from all this that helped me to change my life so dramatically?

1. Think of your body as an integrated system and not unconnected parts.

When I started to see consultants, I would see “the shoulder consultant” or “the back consultant.” But our bodies don’t work like that. I had more than one issue, but struggled to get the back consultant to think about my neck, or the shoulder consultant to take into consideration my arm.

Since the accident, I’ve learned a huge amount about my own body. I understand more about the “flavor” of different kinds of sensation and pain. But most importantly, I know that my body is a complex system of many different parts working together, not a set of connected-but-separate pieces.

Doctors aren’t trained to think that way. But that doesn’t mean you can’t. Keep track of your symptoms, read up, and be open to seeing different practitioners who might be able to help you view your body as a whole.

2. Your body is both strong and fragile.

I used to have an arrogance around my body, my spirit, my independence. I used to say that I never wanted to be dependent on anything—food, coffee, pills, a person.

Now, I take a number of different medications every day. I’m no longer independent.

I wasn’t particularly fit, but I thought my strength of will was enough. I was wrong.

I learned that our bodies and minds have both infinite strength, but also fragility and vulnerability. And I’m slowly learning to embrace the vulnerability as well as the strength.

Where are you strong? Where are you vulnerable? Work on identifying and more importantly, accepting, both.

3. Be open to what can help you.

I was also very skeptical of any kind of alternative therapy. But when you’re in constant pain, you’ll try anything. I’ve seen many different practitioners now, and have tried to be as open as possible to each.

Unless I really feel uncomfortable or negative about them, I will give a practitioner three goes. And I’ll monitor the impact of their treatment.

Given that you can also end up spending quite a lot of time and money, if the impact isn’t enough—the cost-benefit isn’t high—then I won’t continue. Some treatments have surprised me in how much they helped; others have disappointed me.

I’m well aware of the placebo effect, but I’m okay with it. But I’m also cautious when the practitioner says something like “the effects are subtle.” Too subtle, and maybe I should be spending my time and money elsewhere.

What have you closed your mind to without further exploration? What could you experiment with if only you could put pride aside?

4. Manage your own “stuff” with boundaries and kindness.

Chronic pain is a challenging condition in many ways, as it’s invisible; it’s not like a broken arm, where your cast clearly shows others something’s wrong so they don’t bump into you.

To other people, I look no more or less healthy than them. When I have a bad pain day, it’s hard for others to know, and they are much more likely to “bump into me.”

We all have “stuff” like this—and it doesn’t have to be a health condition. Invisible stuff—a stressful day, a bad day, grief, loss, pain, rejection—the list goes on.

My relationship with my body has also changed over time. Before the accident, my connection with my body was functional; it did what I needed it to. After the accident, I was angry, and disconnected my mind and body. I even talked about it as another entity: “My body and I have a difficult relationship.”

It took me a long time—and work with mindfulness, yoga, and meditation—to learn to accept my body and just “be” with it.

And rebuilding the shattered relationship between body and mind has also meant learning how to be in my mind (remembering that the two aren’t distinct). Understanding what I need when I have a bad day. Being kind to myself. And also creating self-care boundaries; I don’t have endless energy, and so need to curate it carefully.

Do you know when you’re having a bad day? What do you do to protect yourself? Where are your boundaries? How are you kind to yourself?

5. Good things can come from bad.

I don’t believe that I had to be hit by a truck to change my life—that “everything happens for a reason.”

I try and flip it round—what good can I find in this tough situation? How can I, as the quote says, turn this pain into wisdom? It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I’m a work-in-progress, just like everyone else. I get knocked down; I get up again.

Chronic pain was a critical factor in my decision to completely change my life, going from a workaholic management consultant in London to running my own business online, basing myself mainly in Thailand.

It’s helped me to learn (and re-learn!) the lesson of acceptance of “what is,” rather than constantly wishing the world was somehow different.

Because once you accept the now, you can build on that foundation and apply all the other lessons to the next stage of your life, or even just the next day.

Because every moment is a new moment. An opportunity for change. Another start.

Woman in pain image via Shutterstock

October 22, 2014
How to Set Strong Boundaries and Overcome The Need to Say “Yes”
“We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” ~Sogyal Rinpoche

Just a few short years ago, I would have relished in being called a “yes person.”

I loved that label. I thought it made me approachable, helpful, and charitable, and I loved being “top of mind” for so many people and wonderful opportunities.

Big project at work? I was there. A shoulder to cry on? You bet. A shopping buddy? Sure, I’m available! An exercise partner, a counselor, an interior designer, a cook, a cleaner, a proofreader, a tour guide—I was the go-to girl for anything and everything.

And for a very long time, I said a big, resounding “yes, please!” to all of it.

Yes to the design work, yes to the extra projects, yes to the friends who needed me. I was an advice-giver, a support network, a teacher, a healer.

But during the throes of helping what seemed like a million different people, my “yes person” mentality started to drain me—and rapidly at that.

Sure enough, I was helping everyone but myself.

It was only when I started to read spiritual texts and personal development websites that I began to realize how exhausted I actually was. And worse, that it was most likely my need to say “yes” all the time (a trait I had previously cherished), that was burning me out.

Here I was saying “yes” to every offer, invitation, and request under the sun, yet I’d wind up sick, alone, and hacking my lungs out more often than I’d like to admit.

I knew I had to overcome my incessant need to say “yes” all the time and start prioritizing self-care, so I went about setting strong boundaries for myself to start restoring my energy.

Below are the steps I took to set my strong boundaries and overcome my need to say “yes” all the time.

1. Speak up.

I knew I had to start small, so I gradually began to let people know how depleted I was feeling.

As it turned out, people weren’t annoyed at me for talking about how tired I was; in fact, they supported me and encouraged me to take time out and rest. It gave me the confidence I needed to start saying “no” once in a while. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I was speaking out; it was a sign of strength.

Another good reason to start speaking up about your fatigue, particularly if you’re a “yes” person, is to pre-emptively ward off peoples’ requests. When I authentically talked about how tired or busy I was, I found that people didn’t call on me as much as they used to, because they were already aware of how I burnt out I was feeling.

2. Make self-care non-negotiable.

You know that big meeting at work you literally can’t miss? Or the way you lock in the weekly screening of your favorite TV show? Make your self-care routine as rigid as that—make it non-negotiable.

When you start making self-care a priority (and enact strong boundaries around your routine), you’re able to fill your cup more fully, and work on being as healthy and happy as possible.

Here are some examples from my self-care routine:
- I schedule a massage once a month, and I make sure I budget for it in advance, too.
- I turn off all technology by 9:30pm. Not only do I sleep better for it, but also I find that I’m reading more books instead of just mindlessly scrolling on yet another social media site.
- I now only check my email twice a day; I find I’m less overwhelmed from implementing this practice and am no longer a slave to my inbox.
- I move my body every day. Whether it’s a work out at the gym, a few stretches in my hotel room, or a long walk if I’m on the road, moving my body every day is an essential part of my self-care routine and helps keep my energy levels high.
- I eat vegetables at every meal—a green smoothie or juice with breakfast, a big salad at lunch, and a huge serving of vegetables at dinner. Vegetables (in particular, green vegetables) are my must-have staple item. They keep my head clear and my body energized.
- I forgo my morning routine if necessary. Some days, a full-on morning routine calls me, but when I genuinely need to sleep in and recover, I surrender and give myself permission to do so. It’s about knowing the difference between “laziness” and genuine “rest.” One feels icky (laziness) and one feels like relief (rest).
After enacting these strong boundaries around my self-care and energy use, my health started to return to its optimum state. It was only then that I was able to start saying “yes” again—but this time, only to projects and people that really lit me up.

3. Hold strong when others test your boundaries.

Even now after having rock-solid boundaries for years, others test them. I have to consciously remind myself to hold strong.

When others test your boundaries, choose to think of it as your chance to prove to the universe that you can keep your own promises.

For example, if you’re the kind of person who needs sunshine but you work in an office where nobody takes their lunch break, stick to your guns.

If people shake their heads every time you head out to get your Vitamin D hit, stick to your boundaries and hold your ground—explain to your boss why you need to get out of the office or even draw their attention to the working hours policy in your area. Better yet, use your work to prove that your productivity is higher due to your lunch breaks!

When you use strategies to help you say “no,” sticking to your boundaries when others test them makes the whole process a lot easier.

4. Learn how to say “no.”

Perhaps the hardest lesson when you’re setting strong boundaries is learning how to say “no.” After all, when you’ve been a “yes person” your whole life, it can be very difficult to turn that habit around, but it’s important to master if you want to have strong boundaries.

Here are some strategies to help you say no:
- Practice saying it in a mirror.
- Have some polite, pre-scripted text messages and emails on hand so you you’re not stuck trying to find the words to say “no.”
- Try saying “not right now” instead of a flat out “no.” (Often, the request will disappear!)
- Let your friends and family know that you need some space (pre-empt the need for them to call on you).
Saying no can be difficult—by nature, we humans want to be helpful and kind—but ultimately, you need to be helpful and kind to yourself, first and foremost. And saying “no” does get easier with practice, I promise.
October 8, 2014
4 Ways to Fulfill Your Needs While Helping Others

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama

“Take care of the self.” This was the last line of an email I received from a professor many years ago. It was in response to my message explaining that I would not attend class that week because my brother-in-law had been killed by a drunk driver.

I had expected a standard offer of sympathy and a summary of the assignments I would be missing. Indeed, my professor offered condolences for my loss, but then he told me not to worry about reading, assignments, or even showing up to class until I felt up to it. “Take care of the self,” he said.

This is the first situation in which I remember feeling that I had permission to allow myself what I needed. After all, fulfilling our own needs before the needs of others is often perceived as selfish. We feel compelled to make commitments, promises, and sacrifices for others, but rarely for ourselves.

It was not until several years after my professor’s email that I realized I did not have to choose between fulfilling my own needs and the needs of others. On the contrary, the more I focused on my own needs, the more support I was able to offer others.

Sometimes acknowledging what we need—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually—is more difficult that actually acquiring what we need. More often than not we simply need to grant ourselves permission.

These are four methods I use to address and fulfill my own needs on a daily basis.

1. Admit when you need a break.

So often we push ourselves far beyond our mental and physical limits. This is often for a worthy cause, an important goal, or a valued relationship. Unfortunately, when we sacrifice our needs to keep working or giving and “push through,” we frequently sacrifice the quality of what we are doing as well.

If I have a week full of deadlines or commitments, I will often award myself a timeout. That might mean taking an evening off and just watching TV, curling up with a book, taking a leisurely walk with the dog, or maybe even taking a much-needed nap.

Taking a break can renew your energy and allows you to tackle projects with improved productivity and new perspectives.

2. Commit to yourself.

Smartphones and other technologies have made it even easier to over-commit our time and resources. Without even trying, I used to fill my week with coffee dates, book clubs, volunteering, and other appointments. With my life planned out by the hour, time with my family and to myself became things I had to “fit in.”

Recently, I made a commitment to reduce social outings and plan “me time” into my schedule. Now I am shocked at all the things I have time to do that I was missing before! Make two or three commitments to yourself throughout the week that help fulfill your own needs; take a yoga class, make time to read for fun, or cook a special, healthy meal.

Don’t just pencil in me time, write it in permanent marker! Be sure to honor commitments to yourself the same way you would keep plans with a friend. When we respect our own time and our own needs, it allows us the capacity to do the same for others.

3. Reevaluate your external commitments.

Make sure you are committed to something or someone because of genuine compassion or interest rather than a sense of obligation.

After reevaluating all your commitments to causes, events, or relationships, you might find that some of them do not align with your values. Continuing to give your time and energy when your heart isn’t truly engaged does you and the person or cause you are involved with a disservice.

My instinct whenever someone invites me to an event or asks for my participation is to say “yes” before evaluating how that request fits with my own values and needs. Now I try to take a moment, maybe even a few days, to consider whether I have the physical and mental capacity to truly commit to something.

Spending my time with people whose company I value, or doing work that I believe makes a difference allows me to fulfill my own needs while also connecting with and helping others.

4. Communicate your needs to others.

If a friend told you she couldn’t participate in your fundraiser because she was overwhelmed with other commitments, would you make her feel bad? Chances are you would tell her, “No worries! I understand.” Allow yourself the same courtesy and understanding.

Address your needs with others respectfully, but directly. If someone asks you to commit to something that conflicts with your needs, explain honestly why you can’t: “I’ve been tired all week so tonight I need to stay home and go to bed early,” or “I spent a lot last week so I need to save money; could we have coffee instead of dinner?”

—

I often hear people say “I just don’t have the time…” to exercise, take a day off from work, or explore something they’re genuinely interested in. The truth is, without making a commitment to acknowledge and acquire what you need, you will never have the time.

When you feel too overwhelmed to make time for yourself, remember that the help you can offer others will be limited if you neglect to fulfill your own needs as well.

Photo by skyseeker

September 8, 2013
10 Tips to Help Relieve Depression and Heartache

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~Johann Von Goethe

Not long ago I was completely imprisoned within myself, feeling lost without any direction. Sleeping consumed most of my time. I had brief moments when I checked in on Facebook, only to get a glimpse of others’ seemingly perfect lives with holidays, parties, babies, and weddings.

This made me more miserable, as I felt I had nothing going on in my own life.

Frustration was building within me because somewhere deep inside, the dreams that I had hidden away wanted me to start pursuing them. Easier said than done of course, but I knew that hiding under my duvet cover wasn’t going to take me anywhere.

I needed to change my negative outlook on life to a much more positive one. In this new process, I started to apply what I call the 10 “T”s to help with my feelings and fears.

The 10 “T”s to help relieve depression and heartache:

1. Trust yourself and the universe.

Know that the universe has a greater plan for us than we can ever imagine. My first authentic feeling of surrender came by reading self-help books. This gave me the first push toward believing and trusting in the power of the universe. It’s the greatest comfort knowing that you are taken care of. (more…)

April 3, 2013
Dealing with Loss and Grief: Be Good to Yourself While You Heal

“To be happy with yourself, you’ve got to lose yourself now and then.” ~Bob Genovesi

At a holiday party last December, I ran into a friend from college who I hadn’t seen in twenty years.

“What’s going on with you? You look great!”

“Oh, well… My mother passed away and my husband and I divorced.”

“Oh Jeez! I’m so sorry,” he said. “That’s a lot! So, why do you look so great?”

Perhaps it wasn’t the greatest party conversation, but I did with it smile.

“It was the hardest year of my life, but I’m getting through it and that makes me feel good.”

Sure, what he didn’t know was that I had spent many weeks with the blinds closed. I cried my way through back-to-back TV episodes on Netflix.

I knitted three sweaters, two scarves, a winter hat, and a sweater coat.

I had too many glasses of wine as I danced around in my living room to pop music, pretending I was still young enough to go to clubs.

And at times it was hard to eat, but damn if I didn’t look good in those new retail-therapy skinny jeans.

Another friend of mine lost his father last spring. When he returned from the East Coast, I knew he would be in shock at re-entry. I invited him over for a bowl of Italian lentil and sausage soup.

As we ate in my kitchen nook, he spoke of the pain of the loss of his father, and even the anger at his friends who, in social situations, avoided talking to him directly about his loss.

Looking down at my soup, I said, “Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”

Grief is one of those emotions that have a life of their own. It carries every feeling within it and sometimes there’s no way to discern it. (more…)

March 24, 2013
Learning to Love Your Body: 4 Steps to Self-Care

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

My life has been one big hate-fest of my body.

I don’t know when or how it developed, but I have been comparing my body to others’ for as long as I can remember. I was never happy, never good enough. There was always work to be done, goals to achieve.

Not only was I constantly on the latest diet that most likely was extremely bad for me, but I was also mentally beating myself up every step of the way.

The self-talk was brutal and relentless. “Why can’t I just lose weight?” “Why am I so fat?”

The negativity didn’t stop there. I hated others too. Women with “perfect” bodies were a major source of jealousy and envy for me.

The few times that I achieved some sort of ideal, I found myself uncomfortable with my appearance. I projected my hatred and jealousy of others onto myself, and just kept falling down the negativity rabbit hole.

Achievements felt shallow, undeserved, and were always short-lived and followed by a period of self-sabotage.

Finally, after a difficult divorce, left as a single mother raising three young children alone, some sort of light bulb went off in my head. No one else was going to take care of me. I was sick of the misery and mental anguish.

I realized more than ever that I needed to take care of myself so that I could have the energy to get through my demanding life. Something had to give, and what I was doing was not working.

I began by simply realizing that I didn’t feel good physically with the way that I was eating. I noticed a daily sugar crash that was leaving me depressed and with no energy. I decided to start there and started eating more whole foods and less sugar.

Taking a new attitude toward my diet increased my awareness of how good health affected me, and that choice built upon itself daily.

I researched what else I could do to develop better health, and began to properly care for myself. In turn, my life became more manageable, I felt happier, and I was a better mom and person. As a nice bonus I actually lost 30 pounds and became an athlete.

If you’re tired of the self-hate game and ready to begin taking care of yourself, you may want to try the steps that I followed. (more…)

March 14, 2013
Getting to Know Yourself, What You Like, and What You Want in Life

“Be yourself; everyone is already taken” ~Oscar Wilde

In some ways, it may seem counterintuitive to have to learn to know yourself. Surely that should be a given, right? Not necessarily.

While our experiences clearly helped shape us into the people we are today, this does not mean that we necessarily know who we really are—what we are passionate about and what we want from life.

Since we were tiny, we’ve developed beliefs and values, some good and some not so good, as a result of our environment and the pressure from society to conform.

When I was younger, I associated academic achievement and fitting into a group with my self-worth.

Having an older sister who was academically superior to me made me feel worthless and led to issues with low self-esteem.

I was so paranoid about being liked that I would often force myself to attend school even when I was incredibly ill, in case friends decided they no longer wanted me in their group.

In retrospect, this all sounds incredibly irrational, but at the time it made perfect sense. Despite the emotional turmoil I constantly experienced, school became a symbol of familiarity.

I thought that if I worked hard and got into a good university, everything would finally fall into place.

So I worked extremely hard, achieved good grades, and got an offer to study at Cambridge University. I had proven to everyone else that I was intelligent, but this “proof” seemed strangely hollow.

Despite thinking that all these achievements would make me feel better, I felt numb. This was what I had wanted, and yet I still wasn’t happy. I started thinking there was something wrong with me. (more…)

March 7, 2013
Transform Your Life by Loving Yourself in Action

“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.

I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.

Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.

Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.

I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of seeking desperately for the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that would round me out and make me whole.

Instead, I obsessed over whether or not someone could find me loveable and used superficial benchmarks to validate my existence—grades, jobs, cash, and degrees from fancy schools.

But when I was truly honest with myself, I was able to notice where I was crumbling under the pressure of that external flawlessness.

How, in an effort to shellac over my imperfections, I was micromanaging those around me, offering help that had not been asked for, repairing others because I didn’t have the courage to believe I was repairable.

I required my own love and support. I needed my actions to resonate with the deeply hidden spark thriving inside my spirit, which held the space and the light in the hopes that someday I’d come to retrieve it.

Now, I often tell people that the spark inside of them, no matter how dim or deeply hidden, is like Tinker Bell as she is dying in Peter Pan. That, like Tinker Bell, that spark is enlivened and emboldened by the clapping and cheering and belief in its relevance.

That spark represents your inner wisdom, the light that will guide you directly toward a life that is tailor-fit to your specifications.

And yet, there was a time when I doubted its integrity, favoring the words and programs and gospel of experts and gurus, wanting desperately to be fixed, to be whole.

I was certain that if I just read enough or was good enough, that I would be transformed into a person deserving of a beautiful life.

It never occurred to me that I was the one that I was waiting for. (more…)

January 28, 2013
7 Tips to Develop a Daily Practice for Growth, Healing, and Happiness

“Our way to practice is one step at a time, one breath at a time.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

Two years ago, I reached a breaking point. I was miserable in my job, unhappy in my marriage, disinterested in my graduate school program, and struggling with multiple medical issues.

One night, while fighting with my husband, a deep sense of dread overcame me. Who is this person, so beaten, broken, and miserable? I’d become completely unrecognizable to myself.

I knew I had to make a decision: continue on a downward spiral out of fear and lose myself completely, or let go, fall, and see where I landed.

I chose to let go. In a single week I quit my high paying job, left my PhD program, filed for divorce, sold all my stuff, and bought a plane ticket to volunteer in Brazil. Completely exhausted, I left the US with only one goal in mind: to heal my life.

The first step toward that goal was the development of a daily yoga practice. This became a key component in my healing process, serving as an anchor during a time when everything in my life was dreadfully unstable.

My yoga mat became a safe space to reconnect with my mind, body, and spirit.

When I arrived back home after six months, I was a completely different person. My daily practice helped me move through anger, sadness, fear, guilt, and shame. It taught me how to feel gratitude, compassion, inner strength, and happiness.

If you’re feeling stuck in your life, developing a daily practice can be a huge catalyst toward growth and healing. Your practice doesn’t need to be yoga and meditation. It can be almost anything as long as it gives you the time and space to let go and reconnect with yourself, each and every day.

Here are 7 steps to help you develop your own daily practice: (more…)

January 13, 2013
5 Powerful Things to Do for Yourself When You’re Sick

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

Getting sick is rarely, if ever fun for anyone, but we all get sick. You can cheat on your taxes, but you can’t cheat on sickness.

When we get sick, we all have a choice of how to work with illness. We can choose to be miserable or we can choose to learn about ourselves and grow from the experience. Since I have had such a hard time with the latter, I’ve investigated 5 ways to practice with illness.

1. Reflect on the benefit of health.

Often illness brings into focus what we wish we could be doing when we feel healthy.

Once, back when I was a pack-a-day smoker, I got food poisoning, and I remember the smell or thought of cigarettes made me feel so much worse. At that time I vowed not to smoke anymore. I felt the frailty of my body and I didn’t want to live a life that hurt my body. I saw how much I needed my body, how bad it felt to not be able to rely on it.

Unfortunately as soon as I felt better I forgot what I knew when I was really sick. Being sick gives us the chance to reflect on the value of health and what you want to do with your life energy when you do feel better. People who are in hospitals only have time to sit around and watch TV; is that what you want to do with your free time?

We only have so many hours and days of health. How can we use each hour of our lives to benefit the people we love the most? (more…)

December 12, 2012
Amp Up Your Self-Love: 7 Tools to Feel Great about Yourself

“If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.” ~Maxwell Maltz

I’ve always been a rebel—independent, and a bit of a loner. I’ve prided myself on self-sufficiency. I like to do things my own way, and I don’t care for unrequested input (to put it mildly!).

I’ve been self-employed since I was 22 in a profession it can be tough to make a living in. In large part, I’ve been successful because of my ability to care for and emotionally support myself.

For me, this self-love has served my goal of doing what I want to do with my life, regardless of whether I have any support from the outside world or not.

Despite all the practice, I don’t fully have this self-love thing down. It’s an ongoing project, and some days are better than others. On the not-so-fab days, I’ve got some techniques I use to up the ante on feeling great about me.

1. Make a list of your accomplishments.

I guarantee there have been many. Nobel prize nominations are not required. Maybe you bake amazing pies, or you’re the person your friends always call when they want a sympathetic ear, or you earned a degree late in life.

Refer to this list when you’re feeling bad about yourself. Soak in all the cool stuff you’ve achieved and remind yourself how awesome you are. Personally, I love the reminder that I was voted “most unique” in high school.

2. Learn something new.

You don’t have to become an expert on an entire subject (unless that’s appealing). Learn how to say “have a nice day” in German (“Habt einen schönen tag!”), check out a Ted talk, or hit up Wikipedia’s “random article” link until you find something interesting.

Pointing our focus toward something outside of ourselves is stimulating; it also expands our world and our perspective. Additionally, learning makes your brain happy. (more…)

September 3, 2012