Tiny Buddha

Tag: relationships

  • The Difference Between Love, Lust, and Attachment: Why We Have It All Wrong

    The Difference Between Love, Lust, and Attachment: Why We Have It All Wrong

    “Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another.” ~Yasmin Mogahed

    The feelings we get when meeting someone new are hard to understand at times. We have biopsychosocial and even spiritual responses and interactions with people we come into contact with.

    We’ve all met someone and felt like we just want to be around them. They make us nervous (butterflies), we can’t think straight, we’re self-conscious, we just feel an overwhelming… pull toward them.

    I have (like many before me) spent my life equating this experience with the very beginning stages of love or may even go as far as to proclaim this as “love at first sight.”

    I did this because:

    1. It didn’t happen often. In years and years of dating and searching for “the right one,” I only got that intense experience a handful of times. So I equated that emotional reaction with the quality of the connection.

    2. I felt like any and all ambivalence disappeared from my mind and emotions. I knew, in those moments, with those people, I wanted to be around them, I needed them in my life. The questioning of ” what do I really want?” seemed to fade into oblivion. Doubt seemed to disappear from my mind.

    3. I felt extremely attracted to them. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. It wasn’t purely lust, so it had to be more.

    But what if I said, this isn’t remotely real romantic love at all? What if I said this isn’t lust either? What if I said books like Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, Twilight, and many others alike, have gotten love completely and utterly wrong all along?

    Now some of you may say, “Yeah, I knew that was all wrong.” But our culture and society were built on this deeply passionate idea of love and marriage—after all, they go together like a horse and carriage.

    Our subconscious minds have been programmed to want that kind of big love, that kind of dedication, that kind of commitment. The kind that would play out like, you know, the movies.

    I had this revelation recently after meeting someone and being overtaken by these emotions, for the first time in a while. I immediately went to the idea that maybe she is the one, maybe this is it. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus. I just wanted to be with her. I just wanted to be close to her.

    Then I realized something quickly, while in the throes of my serendipitous fairy tale encounter: This was out of character for me at this point in my life.

    I felt I couldn’t be myself. I felt like I was out of control. My confidence was muddied by nerves. I felt like I had no say in what was happening between us and what was happening inside of me. Something else took over. I knew it wasn’t purely lust and I knew, intuitively, it wasn’t what love should feel like. So what was it?

    After years of growth and work, I knew one thing for sure: Balance is the secret to life. So feeling incredibly unbalanced was a red flag to me. I dug deeper. I thought back to my training as a counselor, the presentations I had given on attachment theory, and the digging I had done on my own attachment schemas.

    And I realized when I quieted all of those seemingly out of control, but elated feelings, the emotion that came to the forefront was, anxiety. Pure anxiety.

    I thought back to every relationship or encounter that made me feel that way, and in an effort to get to the bottom of this, I desperately asked my higher self what they had in common—and it was clear right away.

    They all ran away at some point. But to be more accurate, they were all emotionally and psychologically ambivalent or wave-like in their attachment orientation. This meaning, in the context of ambivalence, they went back and forth between being emotionally available and unavailable. Sure of what they want, then unsure and pull away.

    Psychological ambivalence is defined as a state of having simultaneous conflicting reactions, beliefs, or feelings toward some object.

    Attachment theory is far too in depth to dive into in this article, but in short: We all develop attachment patterns stemming from childhood relationships with our caregivers, and they are ever evolving throughout our teenage and adult years as we go head first through friendships and romantic relationships.

    Wave-like tendencies, in regards to attachment, are typically characterized by swaying back and forth from anxiety to ambivalent states.

    So here is what happened to me: Every time I met a beautiful and intriguing woman who radiated unavailability, my teenage, insecure, anxious self forced its way to the surface from the deepest caverns of my psyche.

    This strong, out-of-control feeling I associated with love was just my own wave-like attachment schema thrown full throttle into anxiety mode.

    On the surface, these relationships and connections felt right and felt amazing for me because my own tortured ambivalent nature seemed to fade away, and the intense energy taking place during this dynamic essentially acted like a high. But, on a deeper level, I felt utterly rooted and anchored in anxiety.

    It was deceiving. I knew what books and movies portrayed true love and soul mates to be, and my brain automatically associated these strong emotions and interactions with those narratives.

    From Victim of Love, to Empowered Co-Creator of Love

    I realized that real true love is a choice; it isn’t something that happens to us or triggers us. At the heart of empowerment is in fact choice. When we choose to have romantic relationships with the people that balance us, we are in control and empowered enough to choose and co-create, with that person, what that relationship will ultimately be.

    We can alchemize and create relationship dynamics such as passion, dedication, and unconditional love—all of the fairy tale cues we yearn for. All accomplished by setting the intention to have that type of relationship and backing it up with actions that align with those intentions. But it must start from a space of feeling balanced in our love interests energy and presence.

    In this moment of clarity I was able to realize literature and society had it all wrong. I had it all wrong. Big romantic love isn’t this overpowering energetic force that takes us over and sweeps us off of our feet. It is something we intentionally choose to co-create, from a balanced place—with a partner who draws feelings of peace from within us, not anxiety or fear, and a partner we can be our most authentic self with.

    So How Do You Make The Shift and Create Healthier Romantic Relationships?

    1. Understand your attachment schema and piece your own patterns together.

    There are plenty of books out there, the most helpful and well-rounded of them being Your Brain on Love, by Stan Tatkin.

    2. Remember, awareness is the first step.

    It won’t stop you from feeling those intense emotions when you are around someone who triggers your attachment schemas, but it will empower you to make healthier choices about what role those people do or don’t play in your life. We have been conditioned on multiple levels to seek overwhelming love; it isn’t a habit we can break overnight.

    3. Continue to become more aware, and heal your wounds any way you can.

    Re-write the stories you’ve told yourself about what love is and what love is not that have held you back from having the type of relationship you really want. It takes time to reprogram the narrative and build real love from a balanced place, without more self-sabotage.

    4. Balanced romantic relationships can start in a multitude of ways, but friendship seems to be the most naturally balanced place to start from.

    This doesn’t mean force friends first, in an inorganic way; it just means listen and pay attention to how you feel when you are with that person.

    5. Notice when you feel inner peace, joy, authenticity, vulnerability, and acceptance when in the presence of someone.

    Those are the sentiments and emotions felt when rooted in balance. Anxiety (butterflies), fear (please don’t leave me), an anxious need to be with someone, and feeling like you need to be something or someone you aren’t—those are the biggest indicators that you are not coming from a balanced place.

  • What Heartbreak Taught Me About Creating My Own Happiness

    What Heartbreak Taught Me About Creating My Own Happiness

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky

    A few years ago I was completely heartbroken, and I thought I would never find love. I’d gone through a string of painful breakups over a number of years, but I thought I’d finally met someone I could be with for the long haul. I’d been dating this guy for a few months, and everything seemed to be going smoothly, until one day he stopped calling. Just like that, he disappeared from my life. It was as if we had never met.

    What was worse, he didn’t tell me why he left. Whatever it was, I’m sure I would have understood and carried on with my life if I had some sense of closure. What killed me inside was being left without knowing why.

    For the following year, I was tormented by thoughts such as “Is there something wrong with me?” and “Maybe I’m not good enough.”

    I had this sense of guilt, as if I had done something to cause him to leave. I was constantly trying to puzzle things together in my mind and figure out where I’d gone wrong.

    I felt completely abandoned, alone, and rejected. Meeting new men was hard because of my prevalent fear of rejection. I was scared to get hurt, so I put up a wall so tall that falling in love with anyone again was out of the question. My mind would automatically go to “What if he leaves too?”

    My heart was torn between, deep down, wanting to find a good man and not wanting another heartbreak. I didn’t like the spiral of fear I was living in; it caused me to close down and feel unhappy with my life and myself.

    The most challenging part about recovering after the heartbreak was believing in myself again. I felt like I had lost a part of myself. It was like I had a bottomless abyss inside. Every morning upon waking I was reminded of the pain because the man I had fallen in love with was no longer in my life.

    What I Learned

    One day it became clear to me that I had been agonizing over my ex for far too long. I was unhappy with my life and in need of a drastic change, so I decided to put an end to my struggle. How? I started to pay close attention to the kind of thoughts I was thinking on a daily basis and how they made me feel.

    I noticed that my daily thoughts focused on the fact that he’d left and rarely centered on reconnecting with myself. I obsessively thought, “He’s not here anymore,” “I will never find someone,” and “I’m not good enough.” These thoughts were playing like a broken record in the back of my mind, controlling me and limiting my life.

    Because I gave my attention to these thoughts, they acted as a constant reminder of what I was missing and how miserable I felt. It was as if I were keeping that pain alive by reminding myself of the heartbreak every day.

    Here I was, with a perfect opportunity to be single and enjoy life, but all I could think about was the pain of being abandoned. Sure, I needed some time to grieve, but this had gone on for far too long. Deep down I knew it wasn’t serving me, and I needed to put an end to it!

    The ah-ha moment came when I realized I had the power to choose whether to continue feeling the pain of his absence or to focus on the happiness I was suppressing. What good would it do to continue feeling sorry for myself and unworthy of finding a good man? Obsessing about what I’d lost and feeding my self-doubt was a surefire way to feel unhappy.

    For once, I put myself and my happiness first, and that’s how I fell in love with myself again.

    My thinking was, yes, the man I loved left, but he did not take my happiness with him. My happiness is not dependent on anyone or anything, and no one can ever take that away from me.

    The first step I took was to reconnect with myself by changing the way I looked at love.

    I decided to be more vigilant about the thoughts that played in my mind and how they made me feel. Whenever thoughts such as “He’s not here anymore” came up and I started to feel a hint of sadness, I would remind myself, “I’m grateful we met; because of him I know I deserve so much better.”

    Or, when the thought “I will never find someone” crept in and I felt sorry for myself, I would think, “I know he’s out there somewhere; it’s just a matter of time.”

    The second step I took was to reconnect with my happiness by doing things that made me feel good.

    Every morning when I woke up I asked myself, “What’s something I could do today that would make me happy?” Even if it were as simple as listening to a song I liked (one that didn’t remind me of him, of course!), it made a huge difference in my day.

    I became more playful with life and dared to explore my adventurous side. Being single gave me the time and freedom to do the things I passionately wanted to do. I reconnected with my girlfriends and together we skydived, traveled, and had weekend adventures getting lost in the California wine country while enjoying all the different types of wine.

    With time, I noticed that I felt alive when I shifted the way I looked at love and made time to do things I enjoyed.

    Heartbreaks disconnect us from our potential to be ourselves and live our best life, because, in the midst of the chaos, we lose sight of who we really are. It is up to us to reconnect with our inner self once we feel like we’re ready to move on.

    Realizing that no one can ever take away my happiness made me feel empowered. I began to view life with optimism, excitement, and curiosity for what my future held.

    I also felt a deep sense of self-respect because I was no longer going to let just any man walk into my life. For the past few years, I’d let men seduce me with sweet words even though they didn’t follow up with their actions, because I thought that was the best I could do. Like Stephen Chbosky quote says, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I knew I deserved so much better, and I didn’t mind waiting to meet the right man.

    Love was no longer something to “find” because it came from within just like a spring of water flowing from the earth. The self-love and happiness I had reconnected with made me feel worthy, but most importantly, I felt whole. I was genuinely happy with or without a man.

    If I were to meet someone, I wouldn’t be hoping for him to complete me because I was already complete. Rather, there was a longing that I could meet a man who would also feel complete with himself, so when we came together, we could create something bigger and better. The vision of two complete people lovingly joining forces quickly became my new fantasy.

    My outlook on life changed when I shifted my focus to reconnecting with myself rather than attaining what was missing in my life. I became genuinely happy, playful, and open to meeting new men because I knew that no matter where I went, my happiness would always be right there with me.

    If you’re dealing with heartbreak and feeling like I was, ask yourself these questions to help you reconnect with yourself and your happiness again:

    1. When it comes to love, what negative thoughts come up on a daily basis?

    2. How does it affect your life when you give power to these thoughts? What do you do or not do when you obsess on them?

    3. How can you challenge and/or reframe these thoughts so that you feel empowered instead of defeated?

    4. What activities make you feel good? Aim to do one of your feel-good activities every day, even if you do them alone.

    The key is to remember you have the power to choose to focus on your happiness.

  • Why No One Else Can Make Me Feel Insignificant

    Why No One Else Can Make Me Feel Insignificant

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    Significance.

    A phenomenon most of us only notice once we lose it.

    If you’re like me, you’ve had (and could still have) a love/hate relationship with significance. Simply because it often seemed so elusive. Just out of reach.

    Our journey together started as far back as I can remember.

    As the youngest of three siblings, I often felt unheard. Overlooked. Ignored. Insignificant.

    I thought it was normal. Didn’t all little sisters bear the same cross? Apparently not…

    As a young adult, I looked to my friends to fill my “significance” gap. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t. Teenage years are notoriously dramatic, and mine were no exception.

    Those were roller-coaster years, as I constantly yearned for a sense of significance. Always relying on others to fill my proverbial cup.

    Moving into adulthood proper, I simply handed the responsibility over to my various romantic partners. Looking back, those poor guys had no clue as to the immensity of the challenge they were taking on.

    Back then, my particular belief system firmly stated that any partner of mine was responsible for how I felt. End of story!

    It was his duty to pander to my emotional needs.

    It was his duty to make me feel good!

    I know, I roll my eyes in disbelief too.

    But what exactly is this significance we all desire?

    This sense of significance that we so readily measure our worth by?

    Think about it. How would you describe your sense of significance?

    Is it something you measure by another person’s judgment of you (e.g.: I’m popular, therefore I’m significant)?

    Or are you able to feel significant despite another’s opinion (e.g.: I feel significant even when I’m alone)?

    I had an incident a while back where, in a moment of desperation, I reached out to a close family member for support. And was deftly turned away.

    It was unexpected. Entirely. And it rocked my little world.

    This person was my support system. My fallback guy. My innermost circle.

    My feelings of insignificance exploded back into my reality. Briefly. But in that moment, they ran deep.

    Significance is often one of the ways in which we define ourselves within a relationship. Whether it be in work, family, friend, or romantic relationships. In other words, in these instances, we seek our sense of significance from someone else. Through their opinion of us, or in their attention to us.

    We believe that what they think matters. A lot.

    And when things are peachy and everyone’s on the same page, it’s awesome! We lift each other. We sing each other’s praises. Feelings of significance and worthiness abound!

    Yet, when the peachiness turns bitter and we stand facing each other, with differing perspectives, the opposite is often true.

    That familiar strength, support, and safety simply evaporates.

    Leaving us raw. Naked. Feeling insignificant.

    Now, before we all reach for the tissues, let me just say: There is value in this.

    It’s only in the nakedness, the rawness, and the full feelings of insignificance that we can actually begin to make a shift. Toward who we really are.

    Because here’s the thing: If we truly lean into those feelings of insignificance without fear, we realize that insignificance doesn’t feel like anything.

    In fact, insignificance doesn’t really exist. At all!

    You can’t see it. Touch it. Or taste it.

    It’s simply a concept.

    Born of the story we’re currently telling ourselves.

    And, as with any story, it’s all made up!

    I’ll venture one step further and suggest that it’s the fear of feeling insignificant that’s scarier for us mortals. And we’ll often do anything to avoid it. Mask it. Or stuff it down.

    When I stood in the face of my own perceived insignificance a few weeks ago, I was initially rattled. I felt small. Rejected. And very alone.

    But only for a bit.

    Because as I faced it down and let the essence of it flow through me, I noticed something astounding.

    Nothing. Had. Changed.

    Nope, I was the same person. I looked the same, smelled the same, and sounded the same.

    Even more importantly, the world didn’t end. Nor did the sky fall in.

    I was okay.

    So, here’s where I got to:

    I get to choose whether I’m significant. Or not.

    Nobody else is qualified to.

    Only my opinion of me matters. Ever.

    There is nothing that anyone (no matter who they are) can say that means anything about me.

    Any sense of insignificance that I feel is simply my own perception.

    Not real.

    A story.

    And if it’s all simply a story, then why not tell myself a good one?

    One where I am important. Worthy. And enough.

  • The Top 7 Reasons We Stay in Bad Relationships

    The Top 7 Reasons We Stay in Bad Relationships

    “Some of us think that holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse

    She knew it sooner than I did. And more intensely than I did.

    I, on the other hand, may have considered our differences but never thought of them as deal-breakers. I tried to justify the many struggles we had between us and believed that our marriage could work despite the challenges.

    I had this feeling things would get better and stayed hopeful no matter how bad our relationship got.

    I told myself that her extraverted personality and my more introversion could work together. And that her more social and outgoing nature and my more private and homebound inclinations were just minor differences.

    I believed it was both of us trying to settle into our professional careers that led to our conflicts. Or maybe, it was moving away from California so she could complete her professional training that put pressure on our relationship. Or it was because we didn’t have a support system that we weren’t getting along.

    In retrospect, if I’m being completely objective, I can see there were problems.

    There were fights and disagreements that would have landed us on a reality TV show.

    There were days of not talking and threats of leaving regularly.

    There were instances where we ignored each other’s feelings and preferences in our life goals. There was a lack of understanding and compassion for each other.

    Yet, we stayed together for years, and even after our separation, I still didn’t want this relationship to end.

    Even after our divorce, I was hopeful.

    Was this the optimist in me?

    Was I being delusional?

    Are you too wondering why you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t working and bad for your spirit?

    You may feel the dysfunction on a daily basis and feel frustrated with the constant fights and disagreements.

    Are you wondering why you’re having trouble letting go when the person you’re with isn’t the right person for you? Are you wondering why you’re stuck in dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship? And even worse, not doing anything about it?

    Here are top seven reasons we stay in bad relationships.

    1. We have grown accustomed to people who treat us badly.

    Those of us who grew up in abusive or hurtful households feel used to complicated love.

    We begin to believe that people who hurt us are the ones who truly love us.

    We have learned that it’s okay to be treated poorly, to not have boundaries, and to feel hurt by other people’s behavior.

    Others have taught us that it’s acceptable to accept abuse and dysfunction. We not only can tolerate it but have to come to view this is as normal.

    2. We prefer bad relationships over the unknown.

    This is the biggest reason most of us stay in dysfunctional, hurtful relationships.

    We may despise the person and the relationship, but we hate uncertainty and change more.

    Our brains are simply not wired for changed circumstances.

    We would suffer any amount of pain to avoid dealing with the unknown in the future.

    3. We prefer a bad relationship over being alone.

    We can’t stand being alone.

    We can’t imagine a life by ourselves.

    We see ourselves with cats, other lonely people, and silent walks in the park.

    We hear silence, see no one, and feel like disappearing from earth altogether.

    The alternative we imagine of being without someone feels hopeless and scary.

    4. We don’t value ourselves.

    We have a low sense of self-worth and don’t believe in ourselves.

    When we find people who tear us down and bring us down, we take comfort in their behavior because it confirms our beliefs about ourselves.

    We are open to people treating us badly because we are used to treating ourselves badly by talking down to ourselves, criticizing ourselves, and hurting ourselves.

    We don’t believe we are worth the time and attention of someone kinder and more compassionate toward us. We may even fear being treated well because we don’t trust that we deserve it or that it will last.

    5. We feel rejected, dejected, inspected, and tossed to the sharks.

    Ending a relationship, no matter how good or bad it was, makes us feel unwanted.

    It hits at our self-esteem and self-worth.

    It makes us feel unwanted and unworthy.

    Many of us felt unwanted or abandoned in our childhood, and ending a relationship in adulthood brings all our old feelings to the surface.

    We’d rather stay with someone than fall into a sinkhole of unworthiness, never knowing if we can pick up your self-esteem again.

    6. We feel out of place and out of sorts.

    We don’t know what our place or role in the world is anymore.

    We are no longer the husband, wife, partner of so and so.

    We lose half of our family and friends, our ex’s family and friends.

    We don’t know what to say to people at dinner parties, work, or any other social situation.

    Our society tends to put an emphasis on couples, so without a partnership we become lost and on the outside of everyday life.

    We become talked about, and our relationship status seems to be at the center of attention.

    7. We don’t believe there’s anyone else out there for us.

    A big part of why we’d rather stay together is that we doubt we could ever find someone nearly as compatible again.

    How do we know we can date again? How do we know someone else will find us attractive again? How do we know if love will strike again in the future?

    Instead of uncertainty of a day that may never come and a love that may never bloom, we choose to stay with the person we’ve already found.

    —

    Instead of hanging on to a relationship that is bad for your heart and soul, consider the possibility of moving on, grieving, and letting go of this relationship that isn’t working.

    Trust your gut, know that this relationship isn’t right, and act on your inner knowing.

    Look at the relationship objectively, as I wish I did sooner, and make the decision to walk away before things get any worse. As much as you would like it to get better, if neither of you are working on the relationship, or if you’re just not right for each other, it will not improve.

    Know that brighter days are ahead if you release this person and the unhealthy relationship from your life. You can get through this breakup, as you’ve likely done many times in your life, and can move on from this relationship.

    Brighter days mean being alone sometimes; it means finding peace; it means getting to know yourself and eventually finding yourself in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

    So many people have gone through heartbreak, have lost that one special person, and have gone on to find the right one.

    Uncertainty after ending a bad relationship is uncomfortable but better than the comfort of dysfunction.

    Letting go and ending this relationship is risky, but with great risk come life’s greatest rewards.

    One day of peace and comfort by yourself is worth a thousand days being in a relationship that is suffocating and dysfunctional.

    Instead of showering love on someone who can’t reciprocate, consider giving yourself that love.

    Open your heart to yourself, speak gently to yourself, do nice things for yourself, make your life comfortable and relaxed.

    Cultivate an inner sanctuary of silence, compassion, peace, and acceptance of yourself, perhaps through yoga, meditation, or spending time in nature, or by seeing a therapist to work through the core wounds from your childhood.

    Work on spiritual practices that help you accept yourself for who you are and be comfortable in your own body without needing to be with someone. This could include breath work, affirmations, journaling, or even some form or art.

    Finally, remember, your ex has helped you grow and lead you to the place you are today, but it’s not healthy to keep them in your journey to the end.

    Letting go of your ex allows you to pick up the journey on your own for a bit so you can grow stronger and be better prepared for healthy, happy relationships in the future.

    After your own solo travels, you can find another love that will help you grow as a person and further reach your potential as a human being. Or will allow you to discover who you are so you can live an honest and authentic life, which will lead you to rich experiences, spiritual growth, and deeper friendships.

    Losing this unhealthy relationship doesn’t mean your world has ended and there will never be someone out there again for you.

    Ending this relationship will open the realm of possibilities for authentic relationships, healthy love, and true happiness.

  • The Past May Have Shaped Us, But We Have the Power to Change

    The Past May Have Shaped Us, But We Have the Power to Change

    “If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down.” ~Toni Morrison

    Our very first relationship is the one we develop with ourselves. However, even that one is shaped by outside forces.

    You may or may not believe that we choose our family. Regardless of your position regarding how your soul made it to your parents’ household, the truth is that the environment we are born into determines a great deal of the rest of our lives. This is especially true about the way we relate with ourselves and others.

    We learn by observing and experiencing the dynamics in our home. Our brains absorb the discourses. The judgments passed over us and the stories told about us become a part of our personality. The words we hear from the voices around us become embedded into our inner voice.

    We end up with a creation from the hands of Dr. Frankenstein: a patched up combination of voices that we later adopt as our own. That voice plays a huge role in how we develop a relationship with ourselves and, therefore, with those around us.

    The outside world shaped the inner reality that, in turn, will facilitate how we relate to that outer world.

    We learn from the way that our caregivers react to stress, from how they manage their anger, and how they engage in arguments.

    We learn from how they treat themselves, us, and the rest of the world.

    We learn about limitations and about fear.

    We learn to worry and to lie.

    We learn to yell out and to bottle it all in.

    We learn to over-react and to act like leaves at the mercy of the wind.

    We learn to micromanage and to be oblivious to life.

    We can learn the extremes. However, we can also learn balance.

    What is your vision for yourself? I’m talking about a real life vision, not about your annual income goal, or your income-to-debt ratio, or that degree you’ve been meaning to get. I’m not talking about the car you want or the trip you’ve dreamed of. Not that those things are bad or meaningless; they’re simply not a vision, they’re goals.

    What I am asking is: What is your vision? What state of being do you wish to create for yourself? What kind of relationships to you want to nurture? How do you want to feel? 

    My parents did their best to give me the best they had to give. I learned about hard work, being of service in the community, and believing in the divine. However, I did not develop anger management and conflict resolution skills, calming strategies, a healthy self-concept, or effective communication and decision-making skills.

    In other words, I was a typical clueless adult who was able to make money and run the rat race functionally. But I knew very little of myself, or how to develop healthy relationships with myself and others.

    As a matter of fact, I had no idea what healthy relationships looked and felt like. This led to a bumpy road that involved quite a few panic attacks, aggression, toxic relationships, isolation, and a social media and sugar addiction. The details of my journey are truly irrelevant. However, the lessons gained do have value.

    It started with answering questions I had never asked myself. Also, tools such as meditation, counseling, spiritual work, a lot of reading, journaling, praying, and developing a support village assisted me in the journey.

    Being open to the process is quintessential. So, I invite you to address the following questions with an open heart and observe your thoughts about yourself and others.

    Take note of the things you visualize on a daily basis. Do your visualizations match your vision? Or are they hindering it?

    What does a healthy relationship with yourself feel like?

    How about the conversations you have with yourself? How did that voice form?

    Where do these stories about yourself come from? Are you truly that person?

    How is your relationship with yourself? Are you hyper-critical? Do you “bash” on yourself? Or do you make excuses for yourself?

    What type of relationships do you envision for your journey?

    What type of narratives do you create in your mind with those who surround you? Do you imagine arguments? Do you mentally practice “come back phrases”? Do you spend time rehearsing irrelevant hypothetical situations? Do you declare negative labels on the rest of the world?

    Your early caregivers started the work of raising you, but you are the one responsible for continuing it. We are never done growing. You are not done. The universe is not done with you. Now it’s your turn to help yourself create the reality you envision for yourself.

  • What Annoys Us About Others Can Teach Us About Ourselves

    What Annoys Us About Others Can Teach Us About Ourselves

    “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Jung

    When my wife and I had children, little did we know that we’d be creating little bundles of nerves. Between my wife’s depression and my own anxiety, we created two anxiety-ridden, depressed balls of mess, and then some.

    Don’t get me wrong, we love our two girls to death, and we are very proud of them. They are both very strong and beautiful young ladies. Occasionally we like hanging out with them too.

    While the two girls have similar interests, their personalities couldn’t be more different. They both exhibit anxiety and depression, yet they show it in different ways. The oldest has panic attacks and hyperventilates, unable to stop herself from crying and heaving. The youngest just curls up in a ball and is unable to move or do anything.

    We find it interesting that the qualities we love, and those we dislike, about both girls stem from both of us. It is as though the Universe took the best and the worst from both of us and amplified it in our children.

    All That Talent Gone to Waste

    My oldest daughter is naturally talented in many areas. She’s strong and athletic, she’s naturally artistic, she’s smart, and she also has a talent for music. She has a beautiful voice, and picked up playing classical guitar in almost no time.

    What drives my wife crazy is that my daughter doesn’t realize how talented and gifted she is.

    What drives me crazy is that she doesn’t develop that talent, and do something with it. She has so much potential.

    As parents, it is easy for us to look at our children and wail and moan about their perceived shortcomings, their lost potential, and so forth. We know what they are going through, because we have both been there. We both struggle with anxiety, so we know what it looks like and how it affects our children.

    In general, isn’t it easier to see the shortcomings that we perceive in other people, than our own?

    Little Mirrors

    What I’ve realized, however, is that our children mirror our own behaviors and attitudes as parents. What annoy us about our children’s personalities are often quirks we ourselves have.

    This principle actually applies to all our relationships, not just with those of us with children. We should stop and ask ourselves, “Am I setting that example? Am I acting the same way?” Often, we don’t realize that what annoys us about someone else is actually an issue we ourselves have.

    For instance, in extreme cases, children who exhibit violent behaviors often come from violent households. They are mirroring the behavior they have been exposed to at home.

    In my wife’s case, it drives her crazy that my oldest daughter doesn’t realize how talented and gifted she is, even though my wife clearly sees it. Yet, when I look at my wife, I see the same thing in her! It is indeed ironic.

    My wife doesn’t think she’s very talented or gifted, and wonders what people see in her. Obviously I saw something in her, because I married her! So the very issue that irritates my wife about my daughter is the very issue that she herself unconsciously struggles with.

    So Much Potential…

    What drives me nuts about my oldest daughter? It frustrates me that I see so much potential in her, and yet I don’t see her developing it. She has so much natural talent, she could be a leader. Her peers look up to her and admire her, and she doesn’t even realize it.

    What does this say about me? Am I the same way?

    Looking at myself through the same lenses, I am forced to laugh, because I do see the same thing! Like my daughter, I probably have many talents I don’t even realize I have. Looking at myself from the outside, I think I have the potential to be a leader as well, but I choose not to. I had so much potential…

    Learning About Ourselves

    From this perspective, I can’t really blame my daughter. I have social anxiety and don’t want to deal with people, and I know she does too. Often times I’ll go out of my way to avoid people. What I perceive as my daughter not developing her talents is more than likely her not wanting to be the center of attention. I can relate to that—I don’t like being the center of attention either.

    I never thought I would be learning about myself from my own children. Sure, I figured they’d know more about new technologies than me, for example. When I have a question about how to do something on my iPhone, for instance, I go to them, and they can show me right away.

    Yet, what my children are teaching me are what issues I need to deal with in myself. Perhaps I, too, have many skills and undeveloped potential, if only I could learn to manage my social anxiety. We often want our children to be different from us, to have different experiences. We don’t want them to go through the same things we struggled with, yet as much as we try or want to, we can’t change who they are.

    We can, however, change ourselves. There is value in stopping to reflect on what frustrates you about your children, your family, or your friends. What behaviors irritate you? What do you think they could be doing better?

    Then stop and look at yourself. Are you exhibiting the same behaviors? What could you be doing better? Are you making the changes in yourself that you’d like to see in your relationships?

    Practice the Golden Rule

    Of course as parents, we want to support our children and provide them everything they need to be happy, healthy, and successful. What parent doesn’t? It may frustrate us that they are not living up to their potential, as we see it—but the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Are they mirroring our own behavior?

    As parents, we show our children love and patience, but our expectations of them should follow the mirroring principle, or the golden rule—would we want to be held to the same standards? My daughter could be captain of the soccer team, but would I want to be one, if I was in her position? Probably not.

    We could make our kids practice the piano for an hour every day, and do their homework for three hours after school. Would we want to do that? Probably not.

    The mirroring principle with our children, family, and friends, then, goes both ways. What can we learn about ourselves from our relationships? Conversely, what should we expect from our family and friends, that we ourselves would be willing to do?

  • What to Do When You Want to Feel Closer to Your Partner

    What to Do When You Want to Feel Closer to Your Partner

    “By letting our deep longing for love and connectedness be exposed…[we are] opening up the channel through which love can enter.” ~John Welwood

    When we feel disconnected from our romantic partner what we often want most is to genuinely feel their love again, to feel connected. And yet, it can be so difficult to simply share that longing.

    So instead of explaining or asking for what we want in a loving way, we complain about what is wrong, about how our partner isn’t showing up for us. Or we simply withdraw.

    This is especially true for sensitive souls like me, who are a bit hard up on assertiveness.

    I was the girl once painfully called a “sheep” by the boy I had a crush on because I would follow my friends into social situations where they talked and laughed with the cute boys, but I could only sit smiling and mute at their side. There was just so much at risk in speaking, and my thoughts came slower when I was feeling nervous, which was often.

    Somewhere along the line, I ended up resorting unconsciously to using the tactic of complaining in an attempt to get the affection I wanted. No wonder my first marriage fizzled!

    About two years into my current relationship, which had been going wonderfully, I started to notice that I was generating negative interactions more and more frequently.

    My voice would get a little whiny when I wanted to do something with him. Or I would accuse him of not paying enough attention to me, or of spending too much time working. Sometimes tears would be the only outward sign that I was feeling disconnected.

    This tactic of trying to get what we want through accusation or complaint is very normal for many of us. Because if we straight out say what we long for we are exposing our heart. We are showing our vulnerability. And that can be very uncomfortable.

    This is doubly true for those of us like me who tend to be very sensitive and driven by feeling. We often feel shame about what is seen as abnormal emotionality. We prefer to appear as the culture expects us to be: strong and steady, certainly not needy!

    But because of our conscientious and caring nature, we tend to value and cherish deep connection above much else. This makes revealing our tender vulnerable heart in intimate relationship especially unnerving, as it seems so much is at stake.

    We prefer to stay safely guarded behind our complaint. It is easier to focus on what our partner isn’t giving us. If we never share what we want outright, they could never reject us. Right?

    Wrong. What we often get in response is distance. Which feels to many of us remarkably like rejection.

    Ironically, it is the very act of showing our heart in this naked way that has the power to create that deep intimacy we long for. Scary as it may be.

    I will put simply what years of reading relationship books never made clear for me, but trial and error (lots of it!) have:

    If your subtle hints or outright complaints aren’t working, you need to ask for what you want. With your voice. When you frame your request positively, with no hint of complaint or disrespect, it will blow your mind how effective it is!

    Here are some easy ways to make sharing your desire to connect a positive experience for both you and your partner:

    1. Discover what you desire.

    When you are tempted to accuse, complain, or withdraw in a sense of anticipated rejection, take it as a sign to discover what you actually desire.

    This might require some deep listening—to yourself! Luckily that is a skill that sensitive people are innately good at—we are naturally attuned to what our hearts are asking of us. So use that to your advantage. Ask yourself, “What do l really want? How do I long to connect?”

    There are so many ways to feel a sense of loving connection with our partner. We may desire different types of intimacy at different moments, so the answer may be different every time. And it will be unique to you. Not everyone feels most connected when snuggling, like I do.

    Some of us feel most close when we simply share time together engaging in activity like cooking a meal, dining out, playing a card game, hiking a mountain, etc. For some of us, receiving a gift or some words of appreciating is powerfully connecting. Having long meaningful conversations is another way I feel very close to my partner.

    So take the time to discover your most pure longing for that moment. Perhaps you actually just want time to connect with yourself. But if it is a longing for intimacy with your partner, prepare to present it.

    2. Do not deny or condemn your longing to connect.

    Remind yourself that this longing is simply human. Trust that your desire to feel loved and loving is benevolent. In fact, it is essential for our mental, emotional, and physical health to have affectionate touch and loving attention.

    Did you know that having a loving and supportive long-term relationship predicts longevity more than not being a smoker or not being obese? It’s also the single biggest predictor of overall life happiness. This is especially so for those of us with the tendency toward sensitivity.

    Reassuring yourself of all this helps tremendously when you are amping up your courage.

    3. Make it easier to ask.

    If there is fear, notice it is simple energy in the form of sensations in the body. Melt it with breath by taking a few deep belly breaths. Sense your hands or feet, the softness of your lips. Wiggle them all a little. This will help ease fear’s grip. Then ask for what you want using a positive, confident as possible, non-demanding tone.

    Keep in mind that most partners feel wonderful when they can please their loved ones, especially when they are being respected. So asking in the following ways can be a gift to him, as well as yourself.

    Eliminating the word “you” and simply stating what you want often inspires in your partner a desire to rise up and please you. For example, “I would love to be held right now”.

    Yet, sometimes it can be too frightening to say those words, so make it easier for yourself and say, “I miss you. Any chance you are up for cozying up together on the couch?” Or, “I would love it if you would hold me.”

    You can use the same words if you desire to connect in other less physical ways. For example, “I miss you. Any chance you are up for eating a meal alone together by candlelight after the kids go to bed?” Or, “ I would love to go for a hike together tomorrow.”

    Last time I asked my partner in such a way he responded, “I totally want to when you say it like that.”

    Find your own most natural way to express your request, with no trace of complaint.

    Risk your partner seeing your longing. More likely than not they will find it sexy and captivating. They will be inspired to show up more fully, and effortlessly return the tenderness, and you will be deeply awash in connected intimacy.

    4. Understand and honor the Pendulum Principle.

    Know that it is totally normal for partners to have different needs for closeness and space in the relationship. Sometimes the timing is off and your bid for closeness may line up with your partner’s need for space.

    I call it the Pendulum Principle. Like a pendulum, healthy people (and especially highly sensitive people) swing back and forth between needing independence and togetherness. Go far in the direction of independence and it is time to swing back toward togetherness. This happens for all of us.

    For example, there have been times I have asked for connection and my man has been literally falling asleep as I spoke. As tempting as it is to take it personally if they cannot or do not want to connect at that particular moment, please refrain. Speaking from experience, that will only create resentment and distance.

    Remind yourself that your sweetie is simply tired, has something else weighing on their mind, or needs some space to do their own thing for a bit. Trust that your brave vulnerability is still having a beautiful affect and your loving request was heard and appreciated. When the time is right for your partner, they will be much more excited to honor it than when it came in the form of a complaint.

    5. Prep your partner for the next time the complaint monster shows up. 

    As the saying goes, old habits die hard. It is likely you will need to keep practicing this new, more positively assertive way of getting your intimacy needs met before it becomes habit.

    It can help to have a conversation about how this can be hard for you and how deeply you want to be able to voice your need for intimacy in a positive way. Tell them you’d love their support as you navigate the challenge of changing your habit. Ask them to help you out if they ever notice you closing down or beginning to complain about them not showing up for you.

    Your partner will likely be more than happy to help you grow in this way—but you’ve got to ask!

    Ever since I learned how to reveal my deep wish to feel loved in the form of a request, my partner and I have been experiencing richer intimacy that ever. I am letting him see my real exposed self. My vulnerability is magnetic. It allows him to actually feel connected with me, the true tender me, and makes honoring my request a luscious delight.

    Once he said, “It is so great when you ask because sometimes I just get caught up in other things and forget how important it is for me to connect like that. Thank you for reminding me of what really matters.”

  • The 10 Most Important Things We Can Do for the People We Love

    The 10 Most Important Things We Can Do for the People We Love

    People. Life is all about people.

    We don’t have to have a ton of relationships, but we all need people in our lives who get us. Who’ve seen our freak flag countless times and love when it comes out.

    People who tag us on memes that capture our spirit, or Tasty videos they know we’d drool over. People who text us with random pictures of bumper stickers or book covers or bath mats or beard accessories with a note that reads “Saw this and thought of you.”

    We all need these kind of close connections to feel a sense of security and belonging in the world.

    We need people who think of us, look out for us, accept us, bring out the best in us, and challenge us to be the best us we can possibly be. And we need to be that person for them.

    It could be the family you were born into, the one that you chose, or the one that chose you after plowing down the big wall you erected to keep yourself safe.

    Whoever makes up your tribe, and regardless of its size, these are the kinds of relationships that make everything else seem manageable.

    Whether you’re having a hard day or a hard month or a hard year, a call or a hug from the right person can remind you that life really is worth living. And when things are going well, it’s all the more enjoyable for having people you love to share it with.

    Most of us would agree that our relationships are the most important thing. That a layoff or lost opportunity can be tolerated so long as the people we love are healthy and safe.

    And yet it’s all too easy to lose sight of the big picture when we’re knee-deep in the struggles of our daily lives. It’s easy to deprioritize the little things that keep relationships strong when we’re worried about our debt and our deadlines.

    It’s human nature—our negativity bias: we’re more sensitive to what’s going wrong than what’s going right. It’s how we’re wired, a means to keep ourselves safe.

    But life is about more than just being safe. Or at least I want it to be. I want to focus more on what I love than what I fear. I want to be proactive, not just reactive. I want to wake up every day and be the good that happens to someone else instead of just playing defense to prevent bad from happening to me.

    So this year, instead of focusing mostly on everything I want to gain or achieve, I plan to live each day with the following intentions in mind.

    I intend to…

    1. Be present.

    I will put down my phone and focus fully on the person in front of me. My texts and emails will be there later. The person in front of me won’t.

    2. Listen deeply.

    Instead of plotting what I’m going to say next, or collecting mental buckets of sage advice I can’t wait to dole out, I will listen completely, with the primary goals of understanding and being there.

    3. Speak truthfully.

    Even when it feels awkward and uncomfortable, I will share what’s true for me. I won’t exclude the messy parts, no matter how tempting it may be to try to appear perfect. The jig is up—I’m not. Not even close! And neither are you. Let’s be beautiful messes together.

    4. Accept fully.

    I will see your quirks and edges and shortcomings and peccadillos and will accept them all as crucial parts of the complete package that is you.

    5. Interpret compassionately.

    Instead of assuming the worst, I will give you the benefit of the doubt, as I would want to receive it. I’ll assume you didn’t mean to be rude or to hurt my feelings. That it came out wrong, or you were triggered and reacting from a place of hurt, or you were simply having a bad day. And then I’ll stop assuming and ask to verify, “Is everything okay?”

    6. Forgive often.

    I will take every perceived slight or offense and put it through my mental shredder before I go to sleep each night. And if I can’t let it go, perhaps because it’s too big to simply discard, I’ll tell you how I feel and what I need so we can work through it together.

    7. Appreciate vocally.

    I will let you know that I admire how you always stick up for the little guy and love how you make everyone laugh. I will compliment you on your passions, your parenting, and how you exude peace, because you’re awesome and you should know it.

    8. Give freely.

    I will give my love, support, understanding, and well wishes; I’ll give things new and old that I think will be helpful. If there’s something you need that I no longer do, I’ll send it with a note that reads, “I thought you could put this to good use. And if not, sorry for sending you clutter!”

    9. Remain unbiased.

    I will put aside everything I think I know about you based on who you appear to be, and will be open-minded when you tell me or show me what you believe and what you stand for.

    10. Love anyway.

    Even if you’re stubborn or moody or judgmental, I will love you anyway. And when I’m stubborn, moody, and judgmental I’ll try to do the same for myself. I’ll try to rise above petty thoughts and sweeping generalizations and keep sight of who you and I really are: good people who are doing our best to navigate a sometimes-painful world.

    Because we all stress and strain and struggle sometimes. We all get fed up, ticked off, and let down, and at times we all lash out.

    In these moments when we feel lost and down on ourselves, it helps to see ourselves through the eyes of someone who believes in us. And it helps to remember we’re not alone, and that someone else really cares.

    Someone who’ll stand by us at our worst and inspire us to be our best.

    Someone who’ll sit on a roof with us and and talk about everything big or nothing important for a while. Someone who might not always know which one we need, but who’s willing to ask and find out.

    This is the kind of friend I want to have, and the kind of friend I want to be. Because life is all about people. And all people need a little love.

  • Why Anger Isn’t “Bad” and How I Learned to Hear Its Hidden Message

    Why Anger Isn’t “Bad” and How I Learned to Hear Its Hidden Message

    “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” ~Maya Angelou

    I’ve always had a complex relationship with anger.

    When I was young, I used to think I was somehow above anger. I would brag to people that I never got mad. Sure, I’d admit, I hated some people, but at least I wasn’t angry.

    When I began therapy in my mid-twenties to deal with persistent depression and panic attacks, I started to see the feebleness of that particular story. I did get angry, it turned out, quite frequently, and I found that things went much better when I allowed myself to feel it.

    I began to learn that my anger often contained useful information about me and what I wanted.

    It alerted me to the fact that one of my boundaries had been crossed, or that there was something I wanted to speak up about. It let me know when I felt hurt. I saw how my closest relationships could allow for anger without falling apart, and I began to accept it as a normal part of the human condition, perhaps even a helpful one.

    Still, as I perused self-help books and blogs and learned from spiritual teachers, I read about the dangers of anger over and over again.

    It’s the enemy of nonviolence, Gandhi said. The Dalai Lama once asserted that it’s the main destroyer of a peaceful mind. Even the Buddha is quoted as saying that holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

    So I asked myself: Was it better to try to quell anger or embrace it?

    A Life-Changing Distinction

    I muddled through as best I could, hedging my bets and working to accept anger without amplifying its flames, until I began going to a local meditation class where the emphasis was on moving energy.

    The meditation is based on a blend of Buddhist and Taoist practices. In addition to developing mindfulness, we’re encouraged to notice the energy within us—whether emotional or spiritual—and let it move through us. We do this by noticing the physical sensations of the energy and then following their lead, either by making noise, moving our bodies, or simply observing with nonjudgmental awareness and presence.

    One day a fellow participant asked the teacher how to handle the large amount of angry energy she was feeling.

    “Move the energy of the anger,” my teacher said. “It’s not good or bad; it’s just what wants to happen. When you make space for the energy and allow it to move through you, it transforms you. Just don’t get caught up in its story.”

    I’d never heard anybody separate the story of anger from its energy before, but the distinction helped me a lot.

    I realized that when I feel the first flush of anger, I often come up with a story: Things shouldn’t be this way. He shouldn’t have done that. It’s her fault I’m feeling bad.

    Stories are about assigning blame, making people right or wrong, and moving into better than/worse than. They’re not so helpful. I realized that it’s anger’s story, not its energy, that “burns” us.

    Anger’s energy is neutral. It doesn’t seek to blame or make anybody right or wrong. When I feel anger in my body, I feel a burning sensation, a warmth, and a flow of intense energy. That’s it. It actually reconnects me to the strength in my core and reminds me that I’m powerful, capable, and alive.

    Hearing a Hidden Message

    It was while moving the energy of anger that I first heard its hidden message.

    Someone—a Very Important Person in my life—accused me of treating him poorly and having less-than-stellar intentions. I don’t remember his exact words, but I do recall that they implied I had been deliberately inconsiderate, selfish, and hurtful.

    I was outraged and began to tell a story. Why couldn’t he see my good intentions? It wasn’t fair; I was doing my best. He was being unreasonable, hurtful, and cruel.

    Fortunately, I knew enough to leave the conversation as soon as I realized I was triggered and go somewhere where I could move the energy. As I was feeling the burning heat of the anger, I realized that I was making the same movement over and over with my arms; pushing them out and away from my chest, I looked like I was trying to shove something away from myself.

    Suddenly it occurred to me: What I was trying to push away were the judgments, accusations, and negative opinions of my Very Important Person. It was almost like I was trying to set a physical boundary so that they wouldn’t penetrate my own being or take root in how I viewed myself.

    That’s when I realized that the energy of anger was trying to prevent me from internalizing my loved one’s criticism.

    An Inexhaustible Well of Strength

    As I kept pushing the negative opinions away from myself mentally and physically, I began to feel a sense of strength. I realized that I had a choice: I don’t have to take on anybody else’s judgments. I can choose to hold my own truth, one that sees the goodness in myself and everyone else, and I can act based on what feels right to me.

    Along with the sense of strength came a sense of immensity. It was like all the criticism and accusations had felt so huge and crushing just moments earlier because I had forgotten how big I was. Once I stood up to my full height, they seemed more like mosquitoes biting at my ankles.

    Feeling my own power and size again, I realized that I was free to say what I needed to say, no matter how difficult, without fear of how he responded. His thoughts and feelings couldn’t hurt me, after all. For someone like me with codependent tendencies who often cares too much about the opinions and expectations of others, this was pretty revolutionary.

    And then the most amazing thing happened. The anger burned itself right out.

    I believe this is because when I’m connected with my own power, I can advocate for and take care of myself. When I see clearly who I really am, nothing can threaten my sense of myself as a good person. Others have no real power over me.

    As a result, there’s no need for the anger, no need to either defend or attack, and no need to make my loved one wrong. After all, he’s really only trying to take care of himself in the best way he knows how, and no matter what he does, I have options in terms of how I choose to respond.

    All of this allowed me to go back to my Very Important Person, apologize for where I had been unskillful, express compassion for his suffering without taking responsibility for it, and let him know how the way he had communicated affected me. I was able to make a request about how he communicates with me when he’s upset.

    Afterward, we both understood each other better, and though it didn’t resolve the issue then and there, it did lay a foundation for finding resolution in the future.

    The Great Gift of Anger

    Anger is a perfect example of something that’s both/and, not either/or. It can be incredibly destructive if we pay too much attention to its story, and it’s also a healing and transformative force.

    It arises from a misunderstanding—that what I want and need is at the mercy of others—and it also contains within it the key to breaking free from that misconception.

    Anger arises when I forget that I already have everything I need within me (and by now I’m aware enough to recognize that this happens on a daily basis). I now see it as a fiercely loving force. It wants me to reconnect to my strength and size. It wants me to transform. It wants me to take back the power that is mine to treat myself with love and respect.

    It does its job by persisting until I am reminded of who I really am. I do mine by letting go of my small story long enough to hear its higher message.

  • Highs and Lows Are Part of Growth and It All Makes Us Stronger

    Highs and Lows Are Part of Growth and It All Makes Us Stronger

    “Just like a muscle needs to tear to grow stronger, sometimes we need to wade into our own darkness to find a brighter light.” ~Lori Deschene

    Sometimes we need to journey into the deepest, darkest, scariest, most painful places inside in order to reach the next level.

    This is what happened to me earlier this year.

    When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship that created a lot of stories in my head. These stories became beliefs that I carried around for a long time. Beliefs like, “I’m not good enough,” “Relationships are painful,” “I don’t have a say,” “I need someone else to show me I’m worthy,” and “I need to be perfect to receive love” (just to name a few).

    As a conscious adult, I’ve done a lot of healing work and spiritual development around this, and am proud of the growth I’ve experienced between where I was then and where I am now. But even still, I have setbacks. We all do.

    None of us are immune to the fears and self-doubt that pop up when “life happens.” None of us are safe when the ground we’ve worked so hard to establish gets ripped out from us.

    After lots of self-development and work around relationships and love, I recently declared to the Universe that I was no longer afraid of being alone and that I was no longer afraid of being vulnerable and my “true self” in a future relationship. So, the Universe delivered. Big time.

    I met someone new. He wasn’t like the other men I’ve dated—men who are safe and stable, and who give me a sense of being in control of the situation. He was uncharted territory for me. Hard to read. Mysterious. Kept me guessing.

    He would surprise me with nice gestures like showing up with sunflowers, sending me unexpected notes about how beautiful I am, you know… the works. Not to mention the sex. THE SEX! For the first time, possibly in my whole life, I felt really seen, appreciated, valued and truly beautiful while having sex. There was nothing awkward or uncomfortable or weird or threatening about it. I had met Mr. Perfect… or so I thought.

    What I know now that I didn’t recognize then was that this guy was an assignment. The Universe heard me loud and clear when I announced that I was ready to be alone and/or in a vulnerable relationship (which is actually a very confusing declaration to make in the first place, so… no wonder stuff got weird!), and so I was sent this guy—let’s refer to him as Mr. Perfect from here on out—as a test.

    Mr. Perfect was an opportunity for me to put into practice all of the things I had learned about myself over the past twenty-five years.

    Let’s just say that I failed that test. Miserably.

    After an all-out eight-day binge on this guy, we were both like a couple of strung-out addicts, totally manipulative and controlling and hopeless about our futures, but pretending everything was just groovy. We were practically playing house together when we hadn’t even known about the other’s existence just a month earlier.

    Somewhere throughout the week with Mr. Perfect, my energy shifted. I went from this high-vibe, loving, independent, strong version of myself, to this weird, controlling, self-conscious, anxious, creepy version of me. I went from Jennifer Aniston status to that chick in Mean Girls who’s obsessed with Regina George way too quickly, and my old limiting beliefs started to take over.

    Suddenly, I was operating from that old, abusive relationship version of me.

    The version of me who thought that being vulnerable in a relationship meant getting hurt.

    The version of me who thought that the guy needs to control everything, and that I am not safe to speak up about what I really want, because you never know how he’s going to react.

    The version of me who felt uncomfortable in her own skin, so tried really hard to look pretty, say the right thing, and always do something more in an effort to be noticed.

    The version of me who thought that I needed a man to “save me,” or that he was the one answer to all of my problems in life.

    You can only race like that for so long until you crash.

    And so, eight days of passionate sex, cute notes, sleepless nights, hours of butterflies in my stomach, several dinners, one brunch, way too much tequila, and two bouquets of flowers later, we bottomed out. Both of us.

    Mr. Perfect and I took a crash course in “How to Not Date as Intentional, Conscious Human Beings 101.” Our worlds both went spinning—his, with a huge f*ck up at work, likely the result of us spending too much time together; mine, reversing to harmful coping behaviors that used to show up when I was younger.

    When I got the text from Mr. Perfect that started with “We need to talk,” I went into a downward spiral of emotion and drama. He wanted to end things. I wanted to die. I literally paced outside my apartment building for three hours trying my very best to not have a heart attack.

    I questioned everything. Was any of it real? Did I mean anything to him? How could I screw this up? How could I fix it? I needed to fix it. How could I mess up such a perfect thing?

    But suddenly, I had a beautiful recognition. I noticed that there was a shift. In my heart space, I could feel the presence of my Higher Self. The part of me that’s connected to something bigger. The part of me that knows these stories of not being good enough are complete BS.

    And just like that, I was no longer living in the stories that were sending me into a near panic attack. I was above that. I knew that I was better than that. That I deserve more. That it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That I was still just as worthy as love and acceptance and beauty as anyone else on this planet.

    In that moment, I forgave myself.

    I forgave myself for the behavior that caused him to end things.

    I forgave myself for the fact that I let it get to the point where we even engaged in an eight-day binge on each other.

    And most importantly, I forgave myself for all the negative and self-doubting talk, limiting beliefs, and lame stories I told myself when it happened.

    I saw that the stories were keeping me stuck. I saw that they made me revert back to this old version of me that I no longer was. And I saw that I had the awareness and the power now to intentionally choose to believe a different story instead.

    I chose to believe that this story was no longer serving me, and that I could rise above it.

    That I actually didn’t need a man to “fix” me or to complete me, but that I had actually been doing that work on my own all along.

    I decided that I was done with this belief of not being good enough.

    I was soooo done.

    I decided then and there to stay committed to this path of personal growth and transcendence, because I see now how all of the pain and struggles that I’ve been through actually happened for me, not to me.

    All of it was for a reason.

    You can do the same. Everything that you’ve been through—every negative thought or limiting belief or fear that you’ve had that’s kept you from what you want the most in life—it’s all within your power to change. If you decide that you deserve it.

    Healing is not linear. There will be highs and lows, laughs and tears, moments of total bliss and moments of complete uncertainty and self-doubt. But your Higher Self is there through it all, and S/he wants to see you come out stronger through each and every assignment that the Universe throws your way.

    S/he is cheering you on from the sidelines and always there for support as your #1 fan, no matter what crazy stuff comes across your path. And that person, that part of you, needs you to show up to these assignments. To really face the fear head on, to feel the pain, and to move through it.

    Because on the other side of fear and pain and struggle and darkness lies your greatness.

    Looking back at it now, I don’t think I failed the test the Universe sent me. I think I passed it. Because I chose my Higher Self, I chose self-love, and I chose me.

    Maybe that was the lesson all along.

  • Don’t Lose Sight of the Big Picture: Spend Time with People You Truly Enjoy

    Don’t Lose Sight of the Big Picture: Spend Time with People You Truly Enjoy

    friends in the fall

    “Even if you are on the right track you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

     How is this happening again?

    Lying in bed watching The Mentalist at 8 P.M. on a Saturday night, my mind begins to wander.

    A year ago I was so happy. I spent almost every night hanging out with amazing friends and now I’m here, alone watching TV.

    As my heart sank into my stomach, I shook my head, suppressed my feelings, and pushed play to start the next episode.

    A few years earlier I moved to Santa Fe, NM, a state I had never even visited before. Excited to start a new journey, I set out to meet new people and create a life full of amazing friends.

    Although that’s exactly what happened, the first few months were extremely difficult. I spent a lot of time trying to make new friends while having zero success. After a couple months, this went from frustrating to depressing.

    Luckily, I was able to solve the problem and learned how to make new friends from scratch. It was amazing. I was having some of the best times of my life.

    Every week I had friends inviting me to birthday parties, barbecues, camping trips, river rafting excursions, and typical nights out on the town. And when I invited people to places, like my New Year’s Eve party, people showed up.

    It was a high I’ll never forget.

    After an exhilarating two years in Santa Fe, I moved back to Huntington Beach, CA, the city I was born and raised in.

    I was excited for yet another new page in my life. Huntington is a beautiful city with great weather (and waves!). My family, best friend, and other great friends live here.

    Kim, my girlfriend at the time (now my wife), and I decided to have a long-distance relationship and I chose to save some money by living with my parents.

    The next year was a disaster.

    It might not have looked terrible from the outside, but I was eating myself alive on the inside.

    Even though I had friends in the area, I was only hanging out with them about once every two months. And about just as often, Kim and I would travel to see each other.

    But that was it. The only other people I hung out with were family members. And as much as I love them, this was not healthy for me.

    I may have seemed happy, but I was faking it. I was hurting. Instead of fixing it, I kept going with the status-quo.

    This feeling was very similar to the one I had when I moved to Santa Fe. A feeling of sadness, hurt, and longing that comes from a lack of spending time with people who make you feel alive.

    But this time was different. I knew I could make friends if I wanted to and I already had friends living here. I just didn’t make the relationships a priority like I should have.

    My laziness was striking me down and I got stuck in a comfort zone of my own making.

    It was easy to say yes and go out with friends when I was living by myself in Santa Fe. But living with my parents made it a little less appealing, which was enough to prevent me from doing it. I’d think to myself:

    I’ve already showered and I’m in my comfy clothes. I can hang out here with my parents, have a couple drinks, and watch this movie, or I can get ready again and meet up with my friends. Ah, I think I’ll just stay here tonight.

    That’s literally how many of my nights played out. And it was similar for the day time too. I’d decline an invite to go surfing because I already showered or because I was about to go to breakfast with my parents, something I easily could have skipped.

    When we finally moved Kim out here to Huntington, I thought my problem would be fixed. Instead, it was more of the same. Mexican food with my parents, cooking chicken piccata with Kim, staying home watching Prison Break, and trail running by myself in the wetlands.

    As much as I love hanging out with Kim and my family, I need that outside energy with friends who share some of my deepest interests and passions. So finally, after way too long, I made this realization:

    I need to spend more time with people who make me feel truly alive.

    My parents and Kim do fill a big part of that need. But I need other friends to fill the rest.

    I started making changes to my life that helped me meet new people and spend more time with existing and past friends.

    I joined a music production class. Kim and I played on a beach volleyball team with her coworkers and a separate flag football team with strangers. I also joined a soccer team.

    I started hanging out with my friends more. I’d text my buddy during the week and say, “Hey, wanna grab sushi Friday night?” I’d send another text to my surfing friends and say, “Surf’s supposed to be good Saturday. Who’s down?”

    On top of that, I’ve been reaching out to people I lost touch with. I recently hit up a friend who I hadn’t talked to in years and said, “Long time no see. Miss you dude. Hope all is awesome. You still running?”

    That text conversation ended with my wife and I scheduling a San Diego day trip and a twelve-mile running adventure for my buddy and me.

    I’ve even been getting together with friends I haven’t hung out with since high school!

    Ever since I put more focus and effort into spending time with my good friends, while still maintaining healthy relationships within my family, my life has improved drastically. I’m happier and more enjoyable to be around. Even better, I’m back to being my old, goofy self again.

    What steps can you take to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap I did?

    If you’re not careful, the same thing can happen to you. In the moment, it’s easy to stay home and watch Netflix because that’s easier and more comfortable. However, in the long-term that can be detrimental.

    Here are three steps you can take to get you on the right track:

    First, determine whether you have the right people in your life to keep you happy. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Do you feel free and alive when you hang out with them?

    Second, figure out if they are willing and able to spend enough time with you. Invite them to hang out and see if you can fill the free time you set aside for hanging out with friends.

    If you haven’t spoken to the person for a while, try pinging them first. Shoot them a text, a Facebook message, or even just comment on one of their posts. The main things you want to get across are that you miss them, you hope all is well, you’re curious how they’re doing, and you were thinking about them and wanted to say, “Hi.”

    If you’ve been in touch with them lately, just shoot them a message and say, “Hey, let’s get together soon. I was thinking of hiking El Morro this weekend. Interested?”

    It’s good to invite them to do something specific that you know they would enjoy. If you just ask to hang out, it might be hard for them to imagine what you would do together, which can make them less likely to accept. And if they do want to hang out but can’t or don’t want to do the original activity you proposed, they’ll likely respond with a different idea, still giving you a chance to hang out.

    Third, if your friends don’t have the time or you’d rather hang out with different people, it’s time to consider meeting new people. Join a photography class, sign up for a kickball team, find a book club, or attend a young professional’s social mixer.

    Go out into the world and meet new people. If you can find people while doing activities you already enjoy, even better.

    Once you understand how important your friendships are, you’ve cleared the first hurdle.

    From there, it’s on you to stay proactive to create and nourish the relationships that are so vital to your well-being.

    It might take a little more effort to pick up the phone, text your friend and schedule a hangout, or get outside and join that soccer team, but when you look back on your life you’ll be thankful you did.

  • Self-Love Means Never Saying “You Complete Me”

    Self-Love Means Never Saying “You Complete Me”

    “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    A popular topic in the glossy magazines, learning to “love yourself” always seemed to me to be a self-indulgent first-world pastime.

    It seemed obvious that the commonly-repeated mantra “love yourself first” was just a sign of the times in a world where something like half of all marriages end in divorce. When I dug a little deeper I often found either a list of new spa treatments or a litany of new age catchphrases.

    All meaningless—that is until a series of failed relationships taught me the hard way why you have to love yourself first.

    I had always walked into relationships from the standpoint of something I needed or wanted. I wanted to feel valued and loved. I needed to feel that my struggles had meaning, and I found this in external validation. I craved for someone to stand by me and tell me that I was worth it.

    In my extremely busy and fast-paced life, I was surrounded by people so very lonely, starved of meaningful connections in a world of transactional relationships. Always the alpha-male, I craved a safe space where I could lower my defenses and be affectionate. A relationship became my way of getting what I thought I needed.

    For a decade of my life, this didn’t go well, and it certainly didn’t end well. It ended with me on the floor of my living room surrounded by pills and full of suicidal thoughts. But, after I picked myself up, this and many other truths revealed themselves to me.

    A need arises from something we find missing in ourselves.

    We need someone to tell us we’re important because we don’t feel worthy to begin with.

    We feel lonely because our lives aren’t full, and we’re waiting for someone to fill them up.

    We so crave those affectionate and reassuring words from someone we care about because we don’t feel pretty, smart, promoted—or whatever—enough. If he or she is a good mate, our need is satiated. This is why “you complete me” became such a widely expressed notion of the power of love. Unfortunately, that sort of thinking leads to dangerous places.

    We aren’t “complete” to begin with because of the very thing(s) we feel we’re lacking, or the inadequacy of our being.

    We make ourselves as attractive, accommodating, or desirable as we can to cover up these faults and fool an eligible partner into looking past our shortcomings. Eventually, we win, and then the prize is ours. And they both lived happily ever after. Except that rarely happens because that void always needs to be filled.

    We’ve told ourselves the story of our lives and convinced ourselves of the short (or long) list of things our partner can give us that will make us happy at last. But somehow it’s never enough, and when we get it, we want more of it, or something else entirely. Our demands to be listened to or supported or valued somehow seem to increase over time.

    And maybe we even become resentful. After all, we need to keep our partner fooled into continuing to see past our inadequacies, so we “hustle” for love.

    We have put so much effort into making ourselves attractive to begin with, and it’s very difficult to ever let the mask slip, lest he or she find the truth and see us for who we are. It all takes so much effort, and maybe we begin to think “It’s his fault I feel this way.”

    This is where coming into love from a place of inadequacy leads. But, when we accept ourselves for who we are, when we recognize our flaws but do not doubt our worth, we don’t seek wholeness in another person. Perhaps we even work on our perceived flaws, but we recognize these as suboptimal behaviors, not something wrong with us.  We do bad, but we are not bad.

    It’s still totally natural and healthy to have a set of desirable characteristics when we seek out that someone and boundaries for acceptable behavior, but this is a matter of choice, not need.

    When we enter a relationship from a place of worthiness and self-acceptance, we don’t hold our partner accountable for our shortcomings or expect her to fix us. We can focus on joy—which is happiness from within—rather than expecting or demanding that the other person supply it from without.

    After all, when we expect our partner to supply stuff to us in order to make us happy, crudely put, he or she becomes our dealer. Though of course it’s a bit more emotionally complicated than that, we are in a sense using the other person to fulfill our own ends, and guess what? He or she is probably doing the same to us. It somehow works!

    And what does it mean to accept yourself wholly, warts and all? What is it to say: “Maybe I let my jealousy get the better of me sometimes, but my heart is in the right place, and I don’t need anyone to prove that to me”?

    How is it that someone can say, “I’m responsible for my own happiness, and I want so very much to share that with another person”? That is loving yourself first, and that love has to stem from a deep place of worthiness.

    Love is many things, but one of them is total acceptance with no barriers. If we can’t feel that way toward ourselves, then how can we feel that way with someone else? What we do not accept about ourselves, we do not reveal to someone else.

    Love is also the most highly evolved, pristine form of connection, and connection is what gives meaning to people’s lives. This then leads to the false assumption that we need to be given love by other people in order to feel whole.

    In fact, the reverse is true. When we feel whole, we are able to love other people, and that is how we connect.

    This took so many years and so much heartache for me to figure out. When I looked back on all those failed relationships, though I typically still felt justified in some of the grievances I had, I took responsibility for the fact that it never would have worked out as long as I was seeking validation from another person.

    It would be nice and neat for me to say that now, possessed of this understanding, I found the one and am in the midst of my happily-ever-after. That’s actually far from the case! But, what I can say is that I’ve been in a couple of relationships since, and although their endings hurt, they in no way destroyed me or shook me to my core the way they had previously.

    Never again did I doubt if I was worthy of that kind of happiness or having those kinds of boundaries of self-respect. The grieving process happened, but it ended, and I remained who I was.

    To love myself first is to never have to say “you complete me” again, because I am complete just the way I am. It is to stop hustling for love and allowing myself to be loved. Far from being self-indulgent, it is such a humbling feeling, and it will set you free.

  • How Our Egos Create Drama in Our Relationships (And How to Avoid It)

    How Our Egos Create Drama in Our Relationships (And How to Avoid It)

    “The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

    I started a new relationship in December 2015, then moved countries to be with my Swedish partner in August, 2016.

    The last year has been life changing in the best possible ways. I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the courage to acknowledge before.

    But it hasn’t all been a bed of roses—some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been that comfortable to see.

    We met on an intensive spiritual retreat in India. We’ve both spent many years working on ourselves and our issues, so it’s fair to say we’re both awake and aware. But this has not guaranteed an easy ride or a challenge-free relationship.

    We both still have to work hard on the problems that come up, affecting us both individually and as a couple.

    When our disagreements or arguments erupt, it is often over the smallest things, which seem so important at the time. A prime example is when my partner asks me to do something without saying “please” (something that’s common in Sweden.)

    Such a minor failing has the power to seriously irritate me, causing our argument to blow up out of all proportion—sending one or either of us into fits of temper tantrums that can end with one or both of us brooding and not speaking to the other.

    Although we’re both aware how childishly we’re behaving and can see our over-reactions, we are nevertheless at a loss to stop or change this process. Why? Because of our egos!

    For the first time in my life I am seeing, experiencing, and understanding the ego play that takes place in every conflict I have. These insights are allowing me to unravel the true nature of my ego and its workings.

    If I were to describe my ego, I would compare it to an irritable, barely containable caged monster on the one hand and an irate, screaming five-year-old on the other. And just like a child that doesn’t get her own way, she’s constantly throwing tantrums.

    These tantrums take the form of anger, hurt, fear, defensiveness, exaggeration, frustration, self-preservation, insecurity, self-pity, and tears—all mixed with large quantities of drama.

    In the heat of an argument, my five-year-old ego is very quick to feel hurt, so she reacts by jumping, stamping her feet, cursing, and defending herself. Then, just as quickly, the caged monster surfaces, rearing up like an angry giant, sword and shield in hand, ready to inflict hurt in return.

    I literally see my ego self rising up like a dark shadowy character, looming menacingly above my head.

    Of course I know this ego play doesn’t solve anything—it only serves to trigger my partner’s own ego defense games. Suddenly we’re both wounded five-year-olds, shouting and throwing ugly insults back and forth at each other.

    Then, invariably, we have to argue about who started it and which one of us is right.

    As you can imagine, these ego battles take up a lot of energy and are very stressful, not to mention emotionally draining.

    I notice that when I’m in this heightened state of drama, my ability for logical thinking goes out of the window. I lose all connection to my grown-up self and I feel the adult receding, regressing me back to an insecure child.

    I see myself adopting the same body language and survival strategies I used when I got into disputes with my mother during childhood.

    Looking back, it’s obvious to me that my current over-reactions have a lot to do with how I was brought up. My mother was a strict matriarch with black and white views—grey areas didn’t exist in her world. She was always right and everyone else wrong, and there was no room for argument.

    If I ever dared to argue, I would be quickly silenced with a barrage of cutting words or physical blows that would leave me hurt, feeling powerless and seething for hours. My voice was quashed, my will controlled, and I felt small and stifled.

    As a child, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize the surge of my ego during these altercations with my mother, when my very existence felt under threat. But of course, every part of me screamed silently in protest, including my ego.

    Now, as a so-called mature fifty-year-old adult, it’s quite disconcerting to visibly witness my conditioned responses popping to the surface during heated conflicts, especially when some part of me feels threatened.

    These responses haven’t altered or evolved at all since my childhood. Sometimes it feels like I’ve never really grown up.

    I still discover myself seething in the same helpless way to emotional triggers and feeling the same powerlessness when my will is challenged or when I feel controlled, as I often do during conflicts with my partner.

    My ego rears up in anger and defense in exactly the way it did when I was a child.

    And yet, even in the most extreme spells of ego drama, I’m sometimes able to take a step back from my hurt, stealing a momentary pause from the heat of my frustration.

    These short breaks allow my anger to calm, giving space for my ego to stand down. Then I’m able to recognize the reasons for my exaggerated reactions, understanding that a part of me was feeling threatened.

    I’ve observed that my biggest over-reactions occur when my partner threatens what I deem important; for example, the time and money I spend on my spiritual activities.

    In these brief moments of lucidity, the ego is fully exposed with technicolor clarity. In this instant, the cause of our argument, which seemed so important just a few minutes before, completely loses its power and dissolves, rendering the whole situation funny and somewhat ridiculous.

    My ego’s true nature is laid bare during these points of pure seeing.

    It’s utterly clear to me that my ego simply functions to protect the parts of myself I feel I must defend, secure, or guard, like my will, my way of expression, my beliefs and moral values.

    My ego jumps up in defense of these values because of the importance I’ve given them, effectively giving my ego permission to react whenever these values feel challenged.

    Amazingly, the truth is, these morals can only exert power over me if I allow them to. I can equally decide not to give them any power at all, which should gradually stop my ego’s need to defend them.

    I know it will take time to break this pattern of over-reactions to emotional triggers, since my conditioned responses are almost automatic now. However, in conflict situations, if in one time out of ten I don’t react, it will certainly make a difference to my life and relationships, won’t it?

    What a liberation that will be!

    For years I’ve unknowingly been trapped in the same ego cycle of trigger/reaction, trigger/reaction that developed when I was a child.

    Now, with the benefit of being able to witness my ego play in action, I no longer feel a prisoner of its games. For the first time in life, I am learning to choose whether or not to react.

    These other insights around my ego are helping to improve my partner relationship, as well as the relationships with family and friends.

    The ego wants to blame others.

    We have all become so accustomed to blaming other people and circumstances that we are often not even conscious that we’re doing it.

    On the surface, it’s much easier to blame others, because it removes the burden of accountability from us and places it firmly at the feet of the other. However, although blaming others appears to be a quick-fix solution, in all honesty, it isn’t.

    Believe it or not, blaming others takes away our control of the situation and passes it onto the other. It prevents us from seeing the whole truth of the issue and blocks us from fully understanding ourselves, which can keep us stuck in the same obstructive patterns of behavior.

    For years I blamed my mother for everything that was wrong in my life. I blamed her for not being there for me, for not supporting my dreams, and for not being the parent I expected her to be. Spending so much time and energy blaming her, I wasn’t able to see my own part in the situation.

    When I finally had the courage to stop blaming my mother, it came as quite a shock to me to realize that I was equally responsible for the things I was unhappy with.

    It’s clear to me that my ego’s fear of admitting culpability kept me in blame mode.

    I naturally progressed onto blaming my partner, because my ego makes it difficult for me to accept my part in a conflict that I am at least partly responsible for. So it’s no surprise our arguments escalate as they do.

    Ultimately, we must all strive to accept responsibility for every action we take, even the ones we’re ashamed of. The more we’re able to do this, the stronger we become and the weaker our egos will be, gradually loosening the grip they have on us.

    The ego covers up.

    Another thing I can say about the ego is that it will do anything to cover up its mistakes, especially when it sees it’s wrong. Its attempts to cover up increase when caught red-handed, behaving just like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

    I remember when I was a child, even when I was caught in the act, I would do everything I could to cover up my mistake, trying my best to deny the blatant truth.

    Maybe my actions as a child could be excused, but sadly, my behavior as an adult hasn’t improved—I still find myself fighting to deny the truth when I’m unexpectedly caught off guard. Like when my partner surprises me, by correctly guessing the trivial cause of my upset.

    My ego hates being so easily called out, so it must cover up and defend.

    One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to admit we are wrong, because when we own up to being wrong, it automatically makes the other right.

    And being wrong is something our egos cannot bear. As a result, we find it difficult to say sorry or to ask for forgiveness, which exacerbates our conflicts.

    I’m also recognizing that our inability to admit our wrongdoing keeps us stuck in our defensive positions, which allows our egos to fool us into fighting, justifying, and defending every point of view—a complete drain of our energy.

    I’ve noticed, however, that when I see the truth and can openly admit it to my partner, surprisingly, rather than separating us, the admission brings us closer together, healing some of the hurt we created during our conflict.

    So admitting that we are wrong need not be a negative experience, but can instead empower us, lessening some of the control our egos have on us.

    The ego wants to hurt back.

    For me, one of the worst things in the world is the pain of feeling hurt, as I imagine is true for most of us.

    Sometimes, the hurt we feel paralyzes us and we’re unable to fight back, but at other times, the only thing we can think of is how we can hurt the other person back.

    Our egos trick us into believing that hurting the other will alleviate the pain we’re feeling.

    I’ve realized that in all conflict situations, it is actually our egos that feel hurt. Again because some value or aspect of the image we have internally built up of ourselves is being challenged, threatened, or undermined in one way or another.

    I’m ashamed to say that on many occasions, both in my childhood and adulthood, my ego has wanted nothing more than to inflict as much pain on others as possible, as a way of lessening some of the hurt it was feeling.

    But retaliation is not the answer; it only adds more fuel to the fires of our egos.

    Maybe I can be forgiven for saying that in my childhood, hurting others was an unconscious reaction to my own feelings of hurt. And in the recent past when I was still unawake, hurting someone who hurt me was my natural course of action. But now, with my increasing awareness, knowingly hurting another is not something I can condone.

    In the heat of ego fights between me and my partner, when my ego rears up ready to defend itself, it’s hard, but I am becoming more and more able to check myself before I go over the line with insults I know will cause my partner pain. Even when I feel he has crossed the line with me, I can still consciously stop myself from going too far.

    I consider this a huge triumph over my ego, and something I’m proud of.

    Every time I can stop myself from blindly over-reacting to a perceived threat to my values and can become an observer of my ego and its games, I know I’m taking a step in the right direction.

    The more conscious we can all become of our ego play in action, the more freedom we will gain from our egos. Then, over time and with consistent effort, positive changes to our life journeys and relationships are inevitable.

    Artwork by artbymanjiri, CC 2.0

  • Addicted to Helping: Why We Need to Stop Trying to Fix People

    Addicted to Helping: Why We Need to Stop Trying to Fix People

    Caregiver

    “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron

    After college, I was hustling hard to get a work visa so that I could stay in the US.

    But then my mom got caught up in a political scandal, and without much reflection on how much this would alter my life’s plans, I dropped my dream of staying in America, drove 1,000 miles, and flew another 500 to be by her side.

    Would she have crumbled without me there? My mama is a tough chick, so I highly doubt it.

    But at the time, I (subconsciously) believed that when the ones we love are hurting, their pain trumps everything. Their pain gets top priority, and whatever goals and dreams we’ve been working toward now pale in comparison.

    At the time, I thought that love meant tending to the other person’s needs first, always.

    And this form of self-sacrifice came naturally to me (I’d behaved this way even as a young child), so I was lucky, right? Having inherent caregiver qualities is a beautiful gift, right?

    Yes. And maybe not.

    Are You a Natural Caregiver?

    You’ll know if you have this trait too, because people will often tell you their secrets mere minutes after meeting you.

    When someone has just been in a car accident or broken up with their boyfriend, you wrap your arms around them and for the first time that day, their body fully relaxes.

    People tell you they feel at home in your presence. Safe. Heard. Cared for.

    There’s so much beauty in having a trait like this. Without much effort, you nurture and care for those around you. It is a gift you give us all.

    But there’s another side to the caregiver coin.

    Helping other people can become addictive. It can begin to feel like the only way to show your love is to prostrate yourself at the needs of others.

    Oh, you’re hurting? Lemme swoop in and save the day.

    Oh, you’re broke? Lemme dump my savings into your bank account and all will be well.

    Oh, you’re single again? Lemme set you up with my neighbor’s son.

    Whatever your ailment, I’ve got a fix for you!

    And the gratitude from the people we’re supposedly ‘fixing’ tends to flow so steadily that we become convinced of the healthiness of our stance.

    We’re confident that healing every sore spot we see is not only natural and enjoyable, but it’s the main reason we were put on this planet.

    When you carry the Nurturer Gene, fixing other people can easily become a destructive self-identity. 

    You will martyr yourself over and over again in order to meet the invisible quota of Lives Helped that floats above your head.

    You will obsessively analyze how every choice you make might impact those around you.

    You will assess every meal, every dollar spent, every vacation taken (or not taken) based on how it will impact the people you feel a responsibility to care for.

    Because, in this unhealthy version of caregiving, our understanding of love has become warped. Love now looks like a relentless string of sacrifice.

    Your thoughts might go something like this:

    If I don’t love her with my constant presence, she will feel sad and lonely.

    If I don’t love him with my attentive eye observing everything, he’ll get sick again, or maybe even die.

    If I don’t love them with my efficiencies managing everything, someone will get hurt. Things will go very wrong if I’m not here to take care of them all.

    Sometimes, love calls on us to invest our energy and time in tending to someone else’s pain.

    But not 100% of the time. And not with the nurturing going down a one-way street, pouring out of the same person, over and over again.

    If you see this pattern in any of your relationships, consider what it would take to expand your definition of what it means to nurture, to love, to care for.

    A healthy caregiver not only nourishes the needs of others, but also nourishes her own.

    Holistic nourishment. Nourishment of the whole of us, for all of us—which includes you.

    Self-nourishment might look like hiring a babysitter so you can have a romantic getaway with your hubby.

    Self-care might mean taking the job on the other side of the country, even though it means you’ll only see your parents twice a year.

    Self-love might be quietly soaking in a bubble bath instead of probing everyone for a detailed account of their day.

    You are not responsible for the world’s pain.

    Share your talents and resources. Generously give your time and attention. But you cannot pour a magical tonic on the wounds of every person walking the planet. It’s not your job. And if it were, it’d be a sucky job because you’d fail at it every single day.

    Especially when we identify as being “spiritual,” we can lift up words like “compassion,” “generosity,” and “kindness” to such a degree that we forget that even “compassion” sometimes must say no.

    Even “generosity” has to allocate some of her resources for herself.

    And even “kindness” must muster the nerve to walk away sometimes.

    If you are the person in your relationship or family or company that defaults to caregiver and wound-tender, give thanks for the ease with which you dish out your love.

    But be careful about inhaling that caregiver role to such a degree that your identity becomes dependent on having someone nearby to nurture.

    Give your love. Freely and deeply.

    And trust that even if you’re not there to ‘fix’ them, everyone will be just fine.

    Photo by Valerie Everett

  • How to Stop Sweating the Small Stuff and Let Go of Your Grudges

    How to Stop Sweating the Small Stuff and Let Go of Your Grudges

    “Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday. Holding a grudge and harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul.” ~Steve Maraboli

    You are tired of it, aren’t you?

    You find yourself arguing again. You feel anger rising up in you.

    You realize there’s no use in trying to explain your position and decide to stop the conversation.

    But the topic still buzzes in your head…

    This used to define my marriage.

    The first few years of my marriage were constant arguing. After each argument my mind would run over and over the things he had done to hurt me, the things I was expecting him to do, the things that I couldn’t trust him with.

    I’d spend days without talking to him, my anger festering inside me.

    After a couple of days I could still feel those negative feelings eating me inside, so I’d half-heartedly reach out to the “enemy.”

    How long could we keep on going like this?

    The power struggles, the held grudges, the unhappiness were taking a big toll on our marriage. They were creating distance between us. The strong bond we had was dying.

    Finally I asked myself, “Where are we going? Are we going to let grudges ruin our marriage? Is our marriage going to become another statistic?”

    After some thinking I realized the arguments were always over minor things, not important values, not the things that made each of us who we were.

    Chores were a constant source of grudges for us. I’d expect him to spontaneously help. But he was wired differently. Unless I asked him to do something, he wouldn’t do it.

    Why wasn’t he more helpful? Couldn’t he see that I was tired and needed help with the dishes? I’d wait for him to offer to help but he’d just sit at the table.

    By the time I was done with the dishes I’d be so mad I’d snap at the first comment he’d make.

    It was not a healthy situation.

    We finally decided to make some changes. We decided to put our marriage first. To put small differences aside, at least most of the time.

    Grudges are poisonous.

    Deep down inside you, you know you should vanish them from your mind. They steal your happiness. And bottled up, that anger will rob you of your health, too.

    Is it worth it to hold onto grudges?

    Of course not!

    Avoid Sabotaging Your Happiness

    Whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a relative, grudges creep into our relationships. We are imperfect people living with other imperfect people in a very messed up world.

    But we get to choose if we are going to put a higher price tag on our relationships and save them from ruin.

    Of course, not every relationship is worth saving, but some are.

    If you reached the point where you feel you need to decide to stay in the relationship or pull the plug, it will help you to sit down, once your anger is gone, and go through these seven eye-opening points.

    1. Decide if you want to win the battle.

    At the time of the argument you decided that you couldn’t let go. It was an important issue for you.

    Is winning still important? Are you willing to permanently harm your relationship over this disagreement? You may find that the issue is very important or maybe not as much as you thought back then.

    It’s up to you to decide.

    2. Evaluate the importance of the argument.

    You can’t evaluate impartially when you are angry, so don’t be hard on yourself. But once you aren’t angry any more, maybe after a good night sleep, you can continue the healing process.

    Then ask yourself, am I compromising my beliefs if I let the grudge go?

    In our marriage, I realized our grudges were based on petty things and the solution was within our reach. Communication was the key.

    We didn’t change overnight. Years later we still have to work on letting go of grudges every now and then. But gone are the days of constant bickering.

    3. Know that every relationship involves at least some struggle and disappointment.

    No relationship runs smoothly all the time. You are going to have disagreements in every relationship. It’s part of living with others.

    You may wonder, “What if it happens again?”

    Grudges will happen again with this person and others. In our marriage disagreements happened again and again and again. We both had to learn how the other person communicated and the best way to work together.

    But ask yourself, are you willing to live your life alone? You’d be missing out on a lot of bright, fun, and happy moments.

    4. Ask yourself if you’re truly “winning” by holding on to your grudge.

    If you decide not to let go you’ll keep your ego intact. You “win.” Or do you?

    What are you sacrificing? What do you gain by holding on to the grudge?

    Sometimes the person you had the discussion with is not someone you should keep in your life, and sometimes it is.

    In any case, keeping grudges is not good for your inner peace. Your mind goes down negative circles and that harms you more than anyone else.

    5. Recognize the power of forgiveness.

    Forgiving someone can be difficult. Of course it depends on what you are forgiving, but it’s still not easy.

    But what do you lose by forgiving and letting go of this grudge?

    In my life I’ve found that forgiveness can be exercised like a muscle. Small acts of forgiveness, like forgiving someone who cuts you off in traffic, help you become a more forgiving person. It’s liberating and brings healing to your soul.

    6. See the bigger picture.

    Think about the months or years you invested in this relationship, the good times you had together, the great things you found in this person. Is it worth it to harm the relationship because of a disagreement?

    How important is the issue in the bigger picture?

    Can you let go of the issue? Or, even better, sit together and try to reach an understanding? Hopefully that’ll be the case and you can move on and have a stronger friendship.

    My husband and I sat together and put our grudges into perspective. It turned out our problems were not worth the grief they were causing, so we decided to work together to fix them.

    After a disagreement, and once we have cooled off, we’d sit to discuss what had happened. We’d analyze what was said, what was implied, and what each had interpreted. We tried to stay as impartial as possible.

    I realized I was jumping to conclusions.

    We needed to work on our communication. I learned that I couldn’t count on him guessing what I needed. If I wanted him to do something, I needed to clearly ask for it.

    It was not easy for me to ask, I was not wired that way, but I saw that when I’d ask for help he would be glad to give it. With time I got better at it and months would go by without disagreements.

    We reaped great benefits from those conversations. And our marriage is stronger today.

    7. Ask if you’re willing to ruin your relationship over this.

    You’re hesitant to let go. You think that means accepting the other person’s point of view. You think that if you let go you are giving in.

    Not true.

    Your position doesn’t need to change, but you don’t need to ruin a relationship because of a disagreement.

    You just chose to let go. You acted on your best interest to protect your health and inner peace against feelings of anger that want to bring you down.

    Decide to Purge Anger from Your Mind

    Grudges are like toxic clutter invading your soul and stealing your happiness.

    Should you let them run wild?

    Bottled up grudges and anger can make you sad and depressed, and they can cause health problems. Are you willing to submit yourself to that?

    You can see that to let go of grudges is one smart, sensible, self-preserving decision away.

    So choose to end the pernicious cycle of holding grudges and regain your inner peace today.

  • How Releasing Expectations Takes the Pressure Off Relationships

    How Releasing Expectations Takes the Pressure Off Relationships

    “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” ~Unknown

    A few months back, I was having drinks with a friend from university for the first time in a while. I sat across from her, smiling and laughing, almost in awe that we were here—here, not as in at this particular restaurant patio, but here, as in, in this moment that felt so free and so light, unbound by who we used to be.

    During our first couple years of university, we were best friends, always hanging out, living together, supporting each other, swapping secrets, and creating unforgettable memories. And then over time, things changed.

    Throughout university, we had found our own niches, our own interests, our own passions, and as we explored who we were and who we wanted to be, our friendship fell by the wayside.

    In our last months of living together, our friendship created a lot of suffering for me. I constantly felt this weight between us, this heaviness that came from pretending that we were still the same as we were in the beginning, this heaviness of a friendship that wasn’t what it used to be.

    Through my yoga practice, I found the tools I needed to free our relationship from this suffering, by shining a light on the truth and choosing something different.

    So how do we find this freedom in our relationships?

    1. Accept the relationship as it is.

    The first step to changing anything is always to see it as it really is. We often create suffering in our relationships when reality doesn’t match the ideal in our head. We end up trying to force our relationships to be what we think they should be, based on the past or a fantasy, rather than accepting how they actually are in the present.

    For me, this meant facing the truth that our friendship wasn’t as close as it once was and we were no longer the people we used to be. Until I accepted this truth, I suffered.

    When we have the courage to face the truth—when we accept and interact with reality instead of clinging to how we want it to be—the pressure on the relationship automatically starts to lift.

    And sometimes when the pressure lifts, relationships naturally get closer and stronger.

    2. Challenge your faulty beliefs.

    Throughout my confrontation with truth, I unearthed different thoughts that I’d had about our relationship. In particular, I became aware of this mantra that I had been repeating in my head: “I don’t belong.”

    This belief was like an infection, poisoning my mind and tainting how I saw our friendship, before any interaction even took place. That story created and contributed to the heaviness that lay between us.

    When relationships change, we often think it’s something we did. We blame ourselves, we think we did something wrong, or that we just are wrong. We might start telling ourselves things like, “I’m not good enough,” “There’s something wrong with me,” or even “It’s all my fault.”

    We internalize something that is beyond our control, something that is often a natural experience as people grow and develop in their own ways.

    As I grappled with the mantra I’d taken on, I realized that it didn’t just exist in this one single relationship; it went much deeper than that and affected how I saw and therefore how I interacted in other relationships.

    I could see how this same thought had led to me feeling like an outsider in other relationships too. The thought was like a wall that kept me at arm’s length from everyone around me, while at the same time, there I was, wishing it were different.

    Once I realized and accepted the truth, I could start to choose something different. I started to challenge that belief by reinforcing the opposite, “I belong here.”

    When I spent time with her and other friends, I reminded myself that I was a part of this group. Whenever I questioned whether or not I belonged with any group, I reminded myself that I did. The more I did this, the stronger the new mantra got and the quieter the old one became.

    3. Practice a new way and let go of expectations.

    When we know the truth about our relationship, and we acknowledge our part in creating the suffering, we can start to practice something different.

    We have to override the way we used to do things, or the thoughts we used to tell ourselves that led us to suffering, and consciously choose a different path. What this practice looks like depends on what truths you uncover.

    For me, I asked my friend if she wanted to get together and catch up. Having recognized that I’d formed this idea that I didn’t belong and that our friendship was broken, I consciously set an intention to not compare our evening with how things used to be, and to let go of any expectations of how it should be. In essence, I wiped the slate clean, leaving myself open to however it turned out.

    When we let go of how we think things should be and allow them to just be, we can interact with what’s really there. If we don’t set an ideal, there is no story to compare reality to. There is only reality.

    As I sat across from her that day, I was no longer tethered to the past mantras or the disillusioned expectations of how things used to be. There was only the present moment, however it was going to be.

    I wasn’t sure what would become of our friendship. We had spent so much time under the heaviness that I didn’t know what would be there when we took it away. I didn’t know if there would be anything left. All I knew was that I didn’t want this friendship to create anymore suffering; we both deserved to be free. I wanted our relationship to be free to be whatever it was now.

    When our relationships create suffering, it often isn’t the relationship that has to change; it is how we see the relationship and how we interact with it.

    Freeing our relationship from expectations brought back the lightness that I had missed so much, that I had fought for so long to get back.

    In some ways, it felt like it used to, only different because the specifics of our friendship didn’t change at all. We aren’t as close, we don’t get together that often, and we aren’t as involved in each other’s lives. The only thing that changed was how we saw it. And because of that, when we do get together, our friendship is fun, supportive, and freeing again.

    Have the courage to seek the truth within yourself and acknowledge the effect of your thoughts, beliefs, and actions with compassion and without judgment. Only then can you choose a different way, a freer way.

    Sitting across from her that day, there was freedom. I could feel it. And I think she could feel it too.

  • Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    “I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” ~John Lennon

    After doing years and years of self-esteem work, I thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I thought I was fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But all that changed when I got into my recent relationship.

    My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping in. Again? Seriously? I thought I was past all that.

    As it turns out my attachment disorder runs much deeper than I thought it did. What about yours? I mentioned attachment theory in one of my previous posts, but to elaborate…

    Are You Insecure?

    Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1960’s. This is an evolutionary theory of attachment, which suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others (caregivers) because this allows them to survive, and the way in which you attach during childhood becomes the prototype for all future attachments.

    Bowldy asserts that there are three fundamental types of attachments which include secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment.

    If you are secure, you probably aren’t reading this. Someone who is securely attached had a parent who was fairly stable and secure in meeting their needs. Because of this, as they become adults they assume other adults will meet their needs, so they do not suffer from relationship anxiety.

    Secure individuals tend to be happier and more content in their relationships because they are acting and reacting from a secure place, which allows each partner to move freely within the world. They’re able to offer support to their partners and are more open and honest in their interactions

    If you are avoidant, you may or not be reading this because often those who avoid intimacy often avoid introspection. If you are avoidant, you keep people at a distance and believe that you don’t really need others to exist in the world. Those who are avoidantly attached had a parent who was not really attentive to their needs, so the child learned to just avoid seeking reassurance.

    Avoidant individuals tend to emotionally distance themselves from a partner. They believe they are better off alone (even if in a relationship) and live in an internal world where their needs are most important. Even avoidant individuals need connection, but when their partner looks to them for comfort they turn off their feelings and fail to react.

    However, if you are at all anxious or insecurely attached, like I am, you are probably going to read this and say, “A Ha!” and a light bulb may even go off over your head. If you are anxiously attached, then you feel anxiety when your partner is separated from you or you do not feel emotionally reassured by them.

    Anxious attachment derives from a parent who was emotionally and/or physically unavailable, non-responsive, and/or possibly intrusive.

    People with anxious attachment are desperate to form a bond, but don’t actually trust their partner to meet their needs, so when their partner fails to assuage every emotion they have, they blame their partner or become jealous or critical. This often prompts their partner to distance themselves, thereby reinforcing their belief that they are not lovable.

    Anxiously attached individuals continually seek external validation, as if still looking to that parent to soothe them and make them feel secure in the world. The problem with this is that it’s too much of burden for a romantic partner to carry and it isn’t their job.

    Let’s Focus

    I’m going to focus on anxious attachment and especially pre-occupied anxious attachment.

    Let me ask this:

    Are you pre-occupied with what you are or are not getting from your partner?

    Are you self-critical?

    Do you constantly seek approval and reassurance?

    If your partner doesn’t react the way you think they should, do you blame or become upset?

    Do you always anticipate your partner rejecting you, losing interest, or abandoning you?

    Do you continually worry and obsess and not really trust them? If so, this is you.

    This is me.

    I have known that I was anxious for a while now and I have known and read about attachment theory, but I never really understood the depths to which it had inhabited my life, my thoughts, and my behaviors. I can’t explain why, but suddenly it all became so clear.

    I don’t recall my infant years, but I do recall that when I turned four or five my mom pretty much left me alone. I could walk and talk and feed myself. She had things to do. I started playing next door at the neighbor’s house. He had toys and games and a swing. He had a hopscotch and candy and wood-making tools. We played. He paid attention to me. He also molested me.

    When I was eight or so, my mom went back to work and left my sister and me alone. A friend of the family started coming over while she was gone. He also molested me.

    But what does the molestation have to do with the attachment, you ask? I never really got it until now. Being left alone and being ignored by someone who was supposed to care for me literally put me in physical and emotional danger.

    So, every time I get into a romantic relationship and I start to feel ignored (whether imagined or real), I freak out. I start to get palpitations. My brain starts to flood with thoughts and emotions. I start seeking reassurance.

    For years I learned to push the feelings down and to ignore them.

    What I didn’t realize is that you can’t do that. There is a thing called “primal panic,” which sets in when you are anxiously attached and not getting your needs met. What I didn’t know or understand is that when I feel ignored, my brain goes into “fight or flight” mode in order to protect itself. My brain believes it’s going to be taken advantage again and my body starts reacting.

    Although I can logically understand this is not true, my brain does not subconsciously know it to be true and reacts accordingly.

    What Happened

    What this meant was that every infraction from my partner, every sense of injustice, every wrong step or every interpretation of a wrongdoing, no matter how slight, I met with a intolerability that I had no idea I was even imposing on my partner.

    I would be so preoccupied with feeling better and getting them to make me feel better that I’d spend all my time and energy obsessing about how to get my needs met. And if they weren’t met properly, I would blame them and start to label them “untrustworthy.”

    Think about it. If you haven’t heard from your partner in a day or so, do you automatically start thinking, “He/she doesn’t love me,” or “I knew he/she would do this,” or “I knew this would happen again”? Do you constantly think about what your partner isn’t giving you and what you aren’t getting?

    Do you become calm and happy when your partner reassures you only to become anxious and insecure the minute you feel something is off or you feel you are being ignored or disrespected?

    All of these things were (okay, sometimes still are) me in a nutshell.

    The problem with all these feelings and behaviors is that they keep you from realizing true intimacy because you are living in fear and anxiety, and you may not even consciously realize it. You are living as if you are still that child who’s going to get hurt. But, guess what? You aren’t.

    How to Fix It

    Once I realized how this pattern was affecting my life, I knew I had to change it but I wasn’t sure how. I started doing some research. I read a few books including Insecure in Love.

    One day I woke up and it had been two days since I had heard from my boyfriend. My body started going into panic mode. Where was he? Doesn’t he care? How can he do this? Maybe I should just leave him. My body and mind were going into panic mode. Anxiety set in. What should I do?

    I tried some meditation but I couldn’t stop thinking and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I decided to sit with the anxiety and think about why I was feeling anxious. What did I really feel? Why was I so anxious? Where was this coming from?

    As I sat there and began to go deeper into the true meaning of my anxiety, I realized that I was literally feeling scared that someone would come hurt me. I was scared of being physically and emotionally alone and having no one there to rescue me. I realized that his ignoring me had triggered this subconscious belief that I’ve been holding onto that I never knew was there.

    Then, I cried. I cried because I was scared. I was actually really petrified. Then, I told myself, “You’re okay. You will be okay. You are not there anymore. You are safe.” I cried and I reassured myself, and when I stopped and it was over the anxiety had lifted.

    I had faced my fears. I had felt my pain and I had released it. I don’t think it will be gone forever, but it is gone for today and that is a good start.

    Keep Trying

    I thought I had dealt with all of this anxiety and insecurity stuff. I thought it was gone and buried. I thought I had made inroads into my new relationship and that because I had attracted a seemingly secure individual, it meant I was all better. Surprise! Insecurity was still running my life.

    But, once I realized this to be true I made a vow that I would do whatever it takes to beat this insecurity over the head and run it out of my life.

    I realized that if I kept going the way I was I would eventually push every boyfriend out of my life, and that I would never find a partner I was happy and content with. The truth can hurt.

    I also realized that I’m not a bad person. I’m not mean or insincere or ruthless. I’m scared. I have a biological response to a real experience. I learned this coping mechanism to help me survive and it did its job, but its time has come and it needs to retire.

    If you are insecurely attached and seek constant external validation and approval to feel good about yourself, how long do you think your partner will put up with it? It isn’t their job to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, they can and should support you and be encouraging, but you have to learn to support and encourage yourself.

    If you want to find true love you have to learn to love yourself, as cheesy as that sounds, and if you are anxiously attached you also have to learn to calm yourself, reassure yourself, and comfort yourself. The past is over and you cannot change it, but the future has not yet occurred.

    Do you want to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend? You decide. I know my answer.

  • Rethinking What Really Matters: The Four Most Important Things in Life

    Rethinking What Really Matters: The Four Most Important Things in Life

    “Life is short. Focus on what matters and let go of what doesn’t.” ~Unknown

    Our most precious commodities are not our smartphones, 3D TVs, brand new cars, or even our big and impressive houses.

    Our most precious commodities can’t be found at the bank. They can’t be ordered online. The truth is, they are on a very short list.

    Amongst our most precious commodities are our purpose, time, health, and our relationships.

    How I Came to This Conclusion

    Several years ago I realized I was accumulating more in my life. More things that didn’t really matter to me or speak to me on a spiritual level. More commitments I wasn’t really passionate about keeping. This was all leaving me feeling a little flat and unfulfilled. It felt like something was missing, but I wasn’t sure what that something was.

    A period of fairly deep reflection followed. I then started to take some action based on this reflection. Amongst other things, that action has meant:

    • I have made good on long-term dreams to write creatively
    • I have realized I value freedom and flexibility over the ability to just earn more, and I now seek out ways of living accordingly.
    • I have accumulated fewer material possessions but enjoyed more (travel and holidays, events, life experiences).
    • I have concerned myself a whole lot less with the need to keep up with others (a toxic and empty competition if ever there was one).
    • I have set up my own micro-business so I have more control over what work and clients I say yes and no to.
    • I have met and married a partner in travel and adventure.
    • I have embraced aspects of simplicity, 80/20, and other powerful concepts into my life.

    The upshot of these and other changes has been that the quality of my life has improved significantly. I certainly don’t have everything figured out (spoiler: no one does!), but my compass in life is much more in tune with somewhere I actually want to get to now.

    Alongside this period of internal reflection, I started to question lots about life.

    I started to weigh what I thought I wanted with what I actually wanted. I started to question what I was really seeking. Whether I was on a path that would get me there. Whether I had people in my life that could support me emotionally along the way. I started to question what it was to be successful and fully explore my own definition of it, not just follow a second-hand version.

    I also started to question whether what I thought was important in life was really important at all. I reframed my life and came to the conclusion that there are several areas, commodities if you will, that are vitally important to how we feel, that need careful attention.

    This is what led me to the realization that our purpose, time, health, and relationships are amongst our most precious commodities. Such a simple and obvious realization, you may protest. Well, if that’s the case, how is it that we let these suffer so frequently?

    Purpose

    Purpose is our why. It drives our actions. It fuels our passion. It encompasses our work, our relationships, and our approach to living our lives. It wraps around everything we do. It means living our lives in an intentional way. It gives our lives a sharper focus.

    Our why is what keeps us going when life gets tough.

    Our why gives life extra meaning and richness.

    If we’ve lost our way and are struggling with our why, we can ask ourselves several related questions:

    • Where am I’m trying to get to?
    • What lights me up and gets me excited?
    • What’s my reason for getting up in the mornings?
    • What do I want more of in my life?
    • What do I want less of in my life?

    The answers to these questions can be revealing and can lead us back to the core of what really matters most to us. Listen to these answers and use them as a guiding light. Revisit them often

    Time

    We all have the same number of hours in our day. Why do some of us run around, constantly stressed, complaining we “don’t have time,” while others seem to approach life in a relaxed and happy state but still get plenty done?

    Though we all have responsibilities and obligations, this often comes down to choices.

    Many of us make poor exchanges on our time on a daily basis. Each time we say yes to something, we are effectively saying no to something else. The problem is, we often say yes to too much. This is where a balance starts to tip.

    Instead of feeling in control of our calendar, our time is all accounted for. We rush from this commitment to that, never really feeling like we’re truly present at any of them. We squeeze evermore into our days but feel we have less and less time to do the things we really want to do, or see the people we want to see. We have less space left for ourselves.

    Time is a finite resource; once spent, it’s gone. We can’t get time back, but we can be selective and intentional with the time we have.

    We can take control by saying yes to less and appreciating the white space in our diary. We can protect our precious time for the activities and people that give our lives the most meaning and joy.

    Of course, reclaiming your time isn’t always this simple. Some of us are working several demanding jobs in order to pay the most basic of bills. Maybe we are bringing up a young family, caring for aging parents, or perhaps looking after a loved one who has physical or mental health challenges.

    Finding time for anything in these scenarios can be especially tough. Even if we do have time, we feel a heavy sense of guilt if we spend it doing something for ourselves, because it seems selfish. Besides, exhaustion can hit us right when we have these small windows of time, and sleep or the TV may beckon.

    If we’re limited in this way, a good start is to find small pockets of time to invest in our passion projects, our hobbies, and ourselves. Five minutes here, half an hour there can add up over a period of time.

    Though we may be caregivers or breadwinners for others, we need to remember to care for ourselves along the way. We can do this without neglecting our responsibilities. In fact, the more we can look after our own well-being, the better equipped we are to be of service to others.

    Another step that we can take is to try to change our situation. Maybe we can work closer to home or look to simplify and reduce our bills, and perhaps even work a little less. In the case of loved ones with challenges, maybe we haven’t exhausted our options in terms of additional help (from friends, family, or care groups).

    These are all tough and very real challenges some of us face, and I will not make light of them here. All any of us can do is look to make the very best of our situations and be grateful for what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t have. Sometimes we need a little outside support from others to help us along. Where there is a will, there can be a way.

    Health

    So many of us take our health for granted until we have a reason not to.

    We neglect exercise and then wonder why our bodies complain when we need to climb a flight of stairs. We neglect our diet and then wonder when all this extra weight crept up on us. We neglect our mental health and then wonder why we’re always stressed.

    We can be kinder on ourselves. We can add regular movement to our lives. Walking, the gym, bodyweight exercises, yoga—it all counts and can all be mixed up. Our bodies are made to move, not sit humped over laptops or in front of TVs all day. Embrace the ability to move.

    Eating healthily can also be simple and enjoyable. We can base most of what we eat on plants (fruits and vegetables). If we eat meat, we can treat it like a side dish and ensure most of the rest of our plates are filled with a rainbow of vegetables. No foods need be off limits, and we can still make space for the odd discretion. Healthy eating can and should be delicious eating, and should never feel like drudgery.

    Being outside more, eating well, and making time to decompress can all help our mental health and general feelings of well-being. We can be gentler with ourselves by ensuring we make time to reset occasionally.

    Regular check-ups with our doctors can help pick up the early signs of anything nasty, but we can also do our best to make the most of what we have by trying our best to look after ourselves.

    Relationships

    Our modern obsession with being busy leads many of us to feel we don’t have enough time in our days. This is a particularly sorry state of affairs when it means we “don’t have time” for our relationships.

    The truth is, all this busyness just might be something we have had a hand in creating. This may not be welcome news, but it does mean we can also step back from it and live another way.

    Our friends, family, and loved ones are what really add spark to our lives. We need to make the time to foster these relationships. Being busy is fine, if we’re busy with the things and people that mean the most to us.

    Our relationships are our bedrock, our foundation. We need to nurture them with the love and attention they really deserve.

    Purpose, time, health, and loved ones. These are truly the things that make us richer and make life more complete. Let’s treat them accordingly.

  • How To Overcome Insecurity and Change Your Negative Relationship Patterns

    How To Overcome Insecurity and Change Your Negative Relationship Patterns

    “Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity that they create lies we believe.” ~Unknown

    After nearly a year of being single and after going through my fifth breakup, I found myself involved with someone new.

    It was the typical guy-meets-girl story you read about all over the Internet. We met for dinner and drinks and there was an immediate attraction. We laughed and talked and overall had a great night. By the second date, he stayed the night at my house and didn’t leave for four days.

    This time I felt I was more prepared. I had studied relationships. I had learned about communicating. I was sure I was going to get my needs met and everything would be perfect.

    I thought I was changed and that meant everything would be different this time. Surprise! Life doesn’t work that way.

    I’m not sure I noticed it at the time, but I was still feeling a little insecure and unsure and wasn’t ready to let go of my fears. I made sure to continually tell him what I wanted and needed in a relationship. Little by little, I was pushing my agenda on him.

    Naturally, he started to back away. I don’t think he even knew why and I certainly didn’t know either. I only knew I was feeling out of control and was perpetually pissed at him for being a jerk.

    Slowly, we stopped spending all weekend together. He wasn’t coming over after work as often. His texts were more sporadic. Then, one Friday went by with not a word. Then a Saturday and then Sunday went by. It had been three whole days with no text, no call, no plans, no nothing.

    Who did this guy think I was? Didn’t I deserve some sort of contact? What was I to do? Certainly this behavior was not acceptable!

    The Breakup

    So I cried and blamed him and told myself I had chosen wrong again, and that I wouldn’t be put in a position of feeling “less than.” Then I texted him out of the blue with the words, “Don’t ever call me again.”

    I thought this was the totally mature way to handle things and that I was only “protecting myself.” I was, right? Wrong.

    I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had done. I felt awful. I knew what I had written wasn’t what I wanted to say or what I felt. I realized that yet again I was acting out of fear, and if I wanted to change my patterns, I had to change myself.

    I wanted him to be wrong, but I realized he wasn’t and that he was just reacting to me.

    I also realized that I was the only one who could change my world, so I did. I thought long and hard about what I wanted and read some more. I realized that my style of communication was still failing, and that if I wanted things to change with him, they had to change with me.

    So after about two weeks I called him and apologized for the way I ended things. I told him I’d reacted out of fear and that I was confused and scared and didn’t know what else to do. I knew that in addition to apologizing I had to change my patterns of interacting with him.

    This time, instead of making everything about me and my wants and needs and fears, I began to take an interest in him and his life. I completely put myself aside (for the moment) because I knew that if I wanted a different result, I had to try a different path.

    Go Slowly

    First off, I went slowly. I let him contact me at his own pace. He had to feel comfortable with talking to me again and realize I wasn’t going to freak out or push some needy agenda on him.

    I had to learn to calm myself, which is something I thought I had already done, but apparently I had more work to do.

    Oftentimes we reach out to others in the expectation that if they respond correctly, we’ll be reassured of our worthiness. Don’t let someone else dictate how you feel about yourself. If someone calls or doesn’t call or texts or doesn’t text, you need to be okay with it and realize the world won’t end.

    Have some patience (which is hard for many of us), and try and sit back and enjoy every moment of the conversations or time together you do have. Stop living in the past or the future. Be present and go slowly. Life is not a race to the end, but a journey with laughter and love and joy and pain all along the way, and you can’t escape any of it, so stop trying.

    Listen

    Secondly, I listened. I listened to what was going on in his life and asked questions. I took an interest in the struggles he was having and was sincerely concerned and understanding.

    If you want to know someone and want them in your life, listen to them. They don’t need to know your entire story right off the bat, (It’s been four months and he doesn’t know mine).

    People are generally egoistic, and showing your potential partner that you want to know about them, what moves them, what motivates them, and what type of person they are will go a long way.

    I’m not saying you should listen with a goal in mind. Don’t think to yourself, “Aha, if I listen to him or her, he/she will want to be with me.” Listen because you care. Listen because the world doesn’t revolve around you and your needs all the time.

    Human beings are amazing creatures, and every single one of us has different fears, needs, and desires. The more time you invest in understanding your potential or current partner, the more you will get in return.

    Stop Assuming You Know

    Thirdly, I learned how to stop assuming and start asking. Never assume how someone feels. Never assume what they want or what they need.

    Some days we would be in the middle of texting and he would suddenly *poof* disappear. I was left confused and irritated.

    The next time it happened, instead of assuming he didn’t want to talk to me or he didn’t care (which is what I would normally do), I asked him about it and he told me why it happens. And of course it had nothing to do with me. Victory!

    Instead of saying nothing, I said, “I’m trying to understand you, and sometimes when we’re in the middle of talking and you suddenly disappear. Why is that?”

    I asked because I truly wanted to understand. I didn’t blame him. It took a lot of courage to ask, as I normally just make up answers in my head and put up walls, so I was really proud of myself for doing it.

    Most of us tend to jump to conclusions about how others feel because we view the world through our tinted lenses. This is fairly normal, but it can lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and anger if you do it all the time. Try to step outside yourself and see how others may perceive you or perceive the world.

    When you ask someone a question, come from a place of love and wanting to understand, not from a place of blame or frustration. Be straightforward and say, “I’m trying to understand you better. When xxxx happens I am often confused, and I’m wondering if you could explain it to me.”

    When you want to share your feelings or communicate what is going on with you try not to say, “You make me feel x, y, z when you do x, y z.”

    People don’t make you feel anything to you. Their actions may trigger certain feelings, based on how you interpret them, but it’s also possible you are already feeling depressed or anxious or lonely or scared, and only think the other person is making you feel that way.

    We all choose what we believe and how we interpret the things other people do, and those beliefs and interpretations create our feelings. The other person can’t possibly know what’s going on in your head unless you explain to them that you have these insecurities and that it isn’t their fault, but you want them to know.

    When you come from a place of insecurity, you will often project blame onto the other person when it’s possible that what they did or said had no negative connotation whatsoever.

    Sometimes people are clueless, sometimes thoughtless, sometimes self-absorbed, but most of the time their intention isn’t to hurt your feelings. Try to remember this before you speak.

    Learn to Communicate From Love

    Love and intimacy are scary. There are days when I still struggle with whether he cares, and I suddenly go quiet and retreat into my world.

    My natural reaction when I’m falling in love is to want to run, and run fast. I want to put up walls and let the other person try to climb over them, as I’m sure many of you do as well. I’m sure you also know this isn’t remotely healthy and is only a protective mechanism.

    Communicating from love means letting down your walls, even if just a little, and accepting the possibility of being hurt.

    One day I was talking to him about my blog and how it means a lot to me when people are thankful for what I write or appreciative of my stories. Because he was playing on his computer and didn’t seem to be listening, I felt unimportant.

    I became quiet. My plan was to say nothing. I assumed he just didn’t care to listen. My old patterns were creeping back in. However, this time I realized that if I want to keep moving forward and keep changing, I had to share my feelings instead of running inside myself.

    I know that most of my fears of not feeling important stem from my childhood and my issues, and it isn’t fair to push them on him. I told him, “Sometimes I don’t feel important to you.” Just saying it was a relief.

    I could tell he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. He said, “Of course you’re important and I care about what you have to say.” I realized in that moment the fears I had were my own and weren’t rooted in any truth.

    It can feel monumentally scary and overwhelming to share even little fears, but if you do it in a way that shows your vulnerability and if you are with someone who has any capacity to love, then you will be amazed at the results you get.

    In the End

    By doing all those things I mentioned above, I changed my relationship. When I gave to him he gave back. The more I put out the more I got in return. I stopped making the entire relationship about me. Everything has changed, and it’s all because I chose to change it.

    Remember that in the end you have no control over anyone but yourself. If you want or need something, stop looking to the other person to give it to you and start looking to yourself.

    You can change your life and your relationship patterns. It may not happen overnight and it may not be as fast as you want, but have some faith and keep moving forward. Love will happen.

  • You Have the Right to Feel Safe in Your Relationships (Even with Your Family)

    You Have the Right to Feel Safe in Your Relationships (Even with Your Family)

    Hugging

    “Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to[…]  It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention.”  ~Harriet G. Lerner, The Dance of Anger

    My journey to authentic safety began, at long last, with my discovery of my own anger.

    Anger is my least favorite emotion. I don’t even particularly like its cousins—annoyance, irritation, frustration.

    The moment that cemented my profound dislike occurred when I was a teenager.

    I had tucked myself away in a corner of the house—in the dark den where my family kept the computer. (Just a word processor—this was in the dark ages before the internet.)

    I was doing homework, I think, and an extended family member who was staying with us—someone I had always trusted and looked up to—burst into the room to confront me about something. (I don’t recall what it was, but I doubt it was particularly bad. I was a straight-A student, a people-pleasing, we-must-ALL-play-strictly-by-the-rules kind of child and teen.)

    I don’t remember what I said or did; I think I felt distracted. In any case, I somehow neglected to give my family member what he wanted and he grabbed the printed pages I’d set next to the computer.

    They were the pages of an important piece of writing I’d recently handed in at school; they’d been returned with a good grade, and, to my pleased delight, some specific words of praise scrawled in my teacher’s handwriting.

    My family member grabbed the pages and tore them to express his impotent frustration at not getting the response he’d wanted from me. I so clearly remember the distorted, crazed look of pure rage on his face.

    I remember thinking something like,

    That’s really not okay. Those pages, with those handwritten words, can’t be replaced. You are out of control. YOU are acting like a tantruming, irrational, destructive child.

    Looking at this from an outsider’s perspective, I realize this would probably not strike most people as a bad outburst. It’s pretty mild.

    But to put it in context: On the one hand, my parents were pretty nurturing, and angry outbursts were rare. There was some dysfunction, but enough stability and normalcy that I had a strong inner sense of what things should look like between people.

    At the same time, there was a lot of mental illness in my immediate and extended family—a lot of weird, distorted thought and behavior, a lot of unpredictability. Part of why I was such a rule-follower, or, rule-worshipper, even, was that it made life feel safe. Contained.

    I just hated anything that felt out-of-control.

    I yearned for things to feel normal, reasonable, safe. My trusted family member’s irrational rage struck me as emotionally chaotic; the kind of extremely disorderly thing I despised.

    I remember moving into a very distant place inside myself, and vowing something along the lines of:

    I don’t ever want to behave like that. Ever. I will never be like that.

    Many, many years later, as a long-married adult, I experienced a dramatic counterpoint to that.

    I was in my own home, and thinking about someone I love very much and how they had recently been betrayed in a way that was cruel, unjust, and profoundly devastating.

    Thinking about the person who had done the betraying, I imagined picking up a heavy piece of furniture in the room (far too heavy for me to lift, in actuality), and throwing it at the wall.

    The image startled me and I paused. And then I realized:  “Oh. I’m angry. I’m feeling anger. This is what that feels like.”

    I now realize it was dangerous for me to distance myself so deeply from my own anger. Not because I’ve ever been likely to act out mindlessly on that repressed anger, but because I had placed myself out of hearing range of the vitally important information that anger holds for all of us.  

    I couldn’t hear myself scream.

    In The Dance of Anger, Harriet G. Lerner writes, “Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated… or simply that something is not right.”

    Letting the signals of anger go unperceived is potentially quite risky; those messages may turn out to be important.

    It’s also risky to ignore things like: a feeling of discomfort, because something about a situation feels weird or “off,” a feeling of jitteriness. A feeling of I’d rather not be here.

    All of these sensations are ones that we’re often discouraged from acting on, but perhaps most especially, with our families. With families, distancing ourselves from our bodies and the unpleasant feelings and signals they may hold for us, is so common that it’s a joke.

    “Oh, the holidays are coming up? Time to get plastered!”

    The lesson our society seems to be teaching here is: it’s best just to ignore how you actually feel.

    Of course, our interpersonal lives are filled with friction; it’s impossible to feel totally at ease with everyone, all the time. It can be noble and constructive to avoid fights, to let little things go.

    But sometimes, kindly acting on the information that anger has given us is the most important, most constructive thing one can do.

    Friendships and family relationships require care and attention to be healthy. Acknowledging where we feel uncomfortable or angry or hurt, and taking gentle action as early and often as we reasonably can, is a way of honouring and protecting a vitally important connection. So that it doesn’t degrade; so that discord and distrust can be repaired; so that both people in a relationship feel safe and can grow, together.

    Ignoring things and hoping they’ll magically get better, well, it turns out, that doesn’t work so well.

    Anger deferred too long means that something (or someone) is getting extinguished. In the short term, it’s the person ignoring their own inner signals who is silenced. But that can only be endured so long.

    Ignored anger goes underground, but it doesn’t go away. Eventually a person’s boundaries must be protected. After enough pressure builds up, anger erupts, and, too often, breaks trust and destroys friendships.

    With families, even more is on the line. We are influenced and affected by family members in ways that are well below our conscious awareness. And there is an active risk of harm to that most vulnerable and emotionally vital part of you—that “inner child” deep within.

    I can speak from personal experience about something that all too many of us have had to go through.

    When healthier members of a family grow—go into therapy, learn to recognize inappropriate or dysfunctional (even abusive) patterns and behaviors—they naturally want to help bring those insights back into their family systems. To initiate healthier patterns, for everyone.

    Attempting that can bring about a negative outcome that is simply blindsidingly bad. (It’s hard to anticipate because most relationships don’t operate like family relationships.)

    That blindsidingly bad outcome is: that our family system will not only refuse to change along with us, but our family members will deny that there are any problems at all.

    Or, they will tell us both that we are wrong about there being a problem, and, that we are the problem.

    Which is crazy-making and awful.

    In families, there can be tremendous pressure to let our unallowable anger go unaddressed, to deny our own reality until we extinguish us—our truths, our rights, our authentic selves.

    That’s a tragic, awful, unjust outcome. That doesn’t have to happen; instead, find someone—or better, many someones—whom you trust, who believe you, and figure things out in a safe, secure, reliable space.

    We are far more whole and wiser,* when we listen to the truths that our bodies, minds, and hearts are desperately trying to communicate to us. This is far from a simple process; listening to our feelings does not mean (as I believed for a long time) melding with the strongest feeling, identifying with it, acting without reflection on whatever the feeling wanted me to do.

    Figuring out how to listen well to feelings, how to respond to them from a place of separate-but-compassionate insight, what to do with the awareness and energy they offer—this is a long-term process.

    Finding a way to stay safe within a family system, on top of all of that—well, to my mind, there is no absolute right course of action for this.

    Having the courage and insight to change, and the further courage to protect our evolving well-being inside our families, it can be so complicated, so challenging, (so grueling!) to navigate all of that.

    Self-protection might involve avoiding the family (or certain members) while you take time to figure things out; making gentle requests for a family member to do things a little differently; asking one or more members to go to meditation or therapy with you; it might mean a short, long, or forever period of limited or no contact. It might mean a whole host of other things, entirely.

    In other words, it can take a whole lot of exploring and planning with people you trust, who stand outside the family, who have expert knowledge and are absolutely committed to your well-being, to find the path that is right for you, that makes your inner self safe and secure. 

    It took years for me to understand that when I said “no” to owning and knowing my own anger, I was leaving an extremely wise, and powerfully protective piece of myself behind.

    Anger can feel combustible; but it’s also energetic and fierce. It can lend us its strength and bravery and confidence.

    Of course, everything that bothers or angers us does not, by itself, constitute a reason to take immediate or drastic action. A world of hair-trigger tantrummers would be a nightmarish one.

    But if we are made to feel violated or uncomfortable, invaded in a way that feels “not right” in certain intimate relationships, especially relationships within our family of origin, there is no higher or more urgent calling than to heed and protect that inner child.*

    You have the right to protect your heart. The little one within needs you. S/he doesn’t need you to commit arson or murder; s/he might even be safest if you lay low for awhile; but no external accusation against you has any merit whatsoever, if you are taking good care of him or her.

    It is not mean, it is not rude, it is not selfish, it is not disloyal, it does not make you a bad daughter/son, brother/sister, family member/friend, to protect that inner child.

    Protecting our hearts doesn’t make us “bad” people; vigilantly and nonviolently protecting our hearts is exactly what makes it possible for us to be good, kind, generous human beings.

    I still crave approval, like the kid and teen I once was. I still want people to think I’m a “good” person (daughter/ niece/ friend). I still hate to let people down.

    But that sort of concern doesn’t matter in the least when it comes to my inner child. For her sake, it is irrelevant whether anyone else likes me or my choices, my words, my behavior, my values.

    Ultimately, all that matters is that I protect her. Because her safety is what makes all the rest possible—my sanity, my well-being, my commitment to my values.

    I can offer the world my best when I am whole; when I feel safe in the ways that matter to my inner, sensitive, wisely aware child. She may not have the cognitive tools to make sense of what’s going on; she needs my help, to understand and to take right action. But she has a deep, instinctual knowledge of what is and isn’t safe for me/ us.

    My highest, most sacred duty is to protect my vulnerable inner self; if my inner child is crying for my attention, that is a more urgent concern than anything else. Caring for her doesn’t make me rude or selfish or disloyal or bad; it makes me a kind, whole, responsible adult.

    I value kindness above almost anything else; in my most drastically self-protective actions, I have tried to speak carefully, act gently. But I am ruthlessly committed to my well-being, because without it, I’m worse than “mean” or any other name you might call me—I’m nothing. I’m a powerless, silenced sufferer.

    My goodness is a fount that flows from my refusal to allow my inner child to be invaded or abused.

    My intact wellness—protected by heeding my inner signals and guarding my boundaries—is the source of my integrity and insight and strength.

    If something feels not okay, you and I have the right to disengage, to step out and walk away. At. Any. Point. Without permission or explanation. Even, and especially, within your family.

    In fact, the title of this post could have been:

    You Have the Absolute Right to Take the Nonviolent Actions Necessary For You to Feel SAFE, at All Times, Especially with Your Family

    Family patterns change slowly. All too often, violence, abuse, and other unhealthy patterns are passed along for generation after generation. We can interrupt this cycle by taking ruthlessly kind and compassionately wise care of ourselves.

    Let us make our world one that is safe for children, one inner child at a time.

    —

    Footnotes:

    *I’m NOT an expert on this, but it’s my understanding that sometimes, in threatening, abusive situations, dissociating from the reality of what we’re feeling is actually a really effective coping strategy. Coping with and coming back from dissociation is, unfortunately, outside the humble scope of this article; but I hope it’s obvious that I symbolically lend my love and support to anyone on that journey.

    **I’m sensitive to the fact that responsible adults should actively nurture and protect their own actual child/ren first and foremost (and their inner child second). It seems a tricky thing to balance, and I hope that those seeking a resolution to this question will look, broadly and openheartedly, to the spirit and heart of what I have written here. Also, it is my hope, for all of us who parent or teach or mentor children, that we have been given or found the chance to do vital self-parenting work, first.  

    Finally: a few minor details included in this piece have been altered to protect the innocent.