Tiny Buddha

Tag: present

  • Interview with Dani DiPirro and Book Giveaway: The Positively Present Guide to Life

    Interview with Dani DiPirro and Book Giveaway: The Positively Present Guide to Life

    Positively Present Guide to Life

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    If you’re a fan of uplifting, action-oriented blog posts, you may have stumbled upon Positively Present at some point in time.

    I “met” the site’s founder, Dani DiPirro, around the time I started Tiny Buddha. Over time, I grew to admire her dedication, both to personal development and her blog.

    Since 2009, she’s shared countless helpful, inspiring posts, empowering readers to live mindfully and positively in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.

    Now she’s preparing to launch a new book, The Positively Present Guide to Life, which offers practical ideas to enhance our home life, work, and relationships for an all-around happier, more fulfilled life.

    I’m grateful that Dani took the time to answer some questions about herself and her book, and that she’s provided two copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies:

    • Leave a comment sharing one thing that always helps you stay positive.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Positively Present Guide to Life http://bit.ly/17oIQDY

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, February 27th.

    The Interview

     1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and your blog, Positively Present. 

    I’m an author, blogger, and designer living in a suburb of Washington, DC. In 2009, when I was at a particularly low point in my life—I didn’t love my job, my relationship status wasn’t ideal, and I was struggling a lot to feel happy—I launched PositivelyPresent.com with the intention of documenting my journey toward a more positive and present life.

    In 2012, I left my full-time job in Marketing to pursue a career as a blogger and writer. While working to create a beautiful online space for my readers, I discovered how much I loved illustrating and graphic design.

    Last year, I launched my design studio, Twenty3, where I work with individuals and business to create modern, uplifting design. My love of design and my desire to help myself and others live more positive, present lives comes together in my latest book, The Positively Present Guide to Life, which pairs inspiring illustrations with action-oriented advice for living a more positive, more present life.

     2. What inspired you to write The Positively Present Guide to Life, and how does it differ from your blog?

    Books have been my greatest teachers, and I love the tangibility of them of in our digital world. I’ve learned so much about life—and about myself—from books, and writing The Positively Present Guide to Life was the best way I could think of to take the lessons I’ve learned from PositivelyPresent.com and explore them at a deeper level.

    And my blog has inspired this book in another way: all my advice here is presented in easy-to-follow lists, to make sure this guide is as simple to use and as practical as possible.

    3. What have you found to be the biggest obstacles to being positive and present—and how have you overcome them?

    One of the biggest obstacles for being positive and present can be other people. Just because you’re trying to live a more positive, present life, that doesn’t mean that those around you are striving for the same thing, and the negativity of others can be draining.

    Overcoming this can be difficult if it’s not possible to avoid negative people. If possible, I’ve found it helps to limit your interactions with them. If that’s not an option, I recommend reminding yourself that you do not have to be ruled by others’ moods or attitudes. Even when others are negative, you can choose to focus on the positive and to stay in the moment.

    4. I think there’s a misconception that “be positive” means “don’t ever feel bad.” What are your thoughts on this?

    This is definitely a huge misconception when it comes to positivity. It’s for this reason, in fact, that I focus on positivity rather than happiness.

    When you are happy, you are in a state where you don’t feel bad and when even the not-so-great things seem bearable. Positivity, on the other hand, is not about putting on rose-colored glasses and pretending that everything is okay. It’s about accepting whatever’s happening in your current situation and trying to make the most of it.

    No matter how difficult the situation, it’s possible to find something of value—even if the value is only that you’re getting stronger by going through difficulties.

    5. In Chapter One of your book, you talk about creating a positive home. What advice would you give to someone who wants to create a positive home but lives with people who are often negative?

    Living with negative people can really challenge efforts to live a more positive, present life, but there are things you can do to make the most of the situation.

    I’ve dedicated an entire section of my book to this topic because I believe it’s something many people encounter. Even if people at home are generally positive, we all have our bad days (or weeks!). When dealing with negativity at home, I recommend trying your best to speak with love, and not to mirror the tone or attitude of those who are in a negative state of mind.

    This can be difficult (we tend to react in a way that mirrors others), but choosing loving words and tone can make a huge difference.

    Also, it’s important to try not to take others’ negativity personally. Often, stress and negativity between cohabitants is a result of issues that take place outside of the home (such as work), and it can be helpful to consider that another’s negative reaction or snippy tone might be related to something that has nothing to do with you.

    6. In the next chapter, you talk about being positively present at work. What do you think is the most important thing someone can do to stay positive and present when they’re not happy at their job?

    Even if you don’t love your job, you can learn from it. Any job offers the opportunity to learn how to cooperate with and overcome challenges.

    Being around others—some you like, some you don’t—teaches important people skills, from how to collaborate, negotiate, and compromise with those who view things differently, to how to get a job done with someone who would rather chat away the day.

    Processing so many viewpoints and opinions from coworkers opens our eyes to new ways of thinking. If you like your industry but not your position, you can also learn a lot by talking to those you admire or who hold positions you aspire to.

    7. In the chapter on relationships, you talk about learning to say no. Why is this so important to staying positive and present?

    There are many reasons why saying no, negative as it sounds, can be a more positive response. For example, it might save you from having to spend time with people who bring negativity into your life, or it might ensure that you don’t overload your schedule.

    It can also strengthen relationships because it lets other people know you have boundaries and will enforce them. It helps others know where they stand—and if they don’t cross the line, your relationship is all the more positive for it.

    Keep in mind: when you say no to one thing, you’re really saying yes to something more worthy of your time and energy.

     8. What do you think is the most essential habit for staying positive and present?

    One of the most essential habits for living a positive, present life is to cultivate gratitude. No matter how difficult a situation, there is always something to be grateful for. It’s very difficult to be negative or distracted from the moment when you’re focusing on what you have to be thankful for.

     9. What’s the main message you hope people take from your book?

    When people read my book, I hope they’ll realize how important a shift in attitude can be. It can transform all aspects of your life, from home to work to relationships to love to how you cope with change.

    I hope readers will see that, even if positivity and mindfulness doesn’t come easily to them, with the right tactics and inspiration, it’s possible to cultivate a positive attitude and stay in the moment more often.

    I’m not a naturally positive person and I work hard at staying positive and present. If I can do it, anyone can—and I hope this book will inspire readers to see that they, too, can live more positive, present lives.

    You can learn more about The Positively Present Guide to Life (and pre-order a copy) on Amazon.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    Woman with Outstretched Arms

    “Accepting, allowing, and interacting with your life as though it is exactly as it should be, without making yourself wrong (or right) for what you discover is the way to Self-Realization.” ~Ariel Kane

    When you’re confused about what to do next, fully surrendering to the possibilities will help you see a clear path ahead.

    It all started the day I had lunch with my university friend Sarah.

    Sarah had been traveling since graduation and was full of exotic tales about life in other countries—different languages, foods, and cultures.

    What she was experiencing sounded amazing. She told me she had no plans to settle down and was, in fact, preparing to pack her bags again soon and travel to the UK.

    Several of our mutual friends were already there, and Sarah extended the invitation to me to travel with her. The idea sounded fantastic and I wanted to jump at the opportunity. I’d always been interested in travel, and this seemed like the perfect chance to have the adventure of a lifetime.

    The trouble was that I had recently embarked on my career. I was working for a reputable company on a specific project. This was work I had dreamed of pursuing while obtaining my degree, and it wasn’t an ideal time to pack up and leave.

    To compound this, I also had a strong sense of wanting to do the decent thing by my boss and my colleagues, which meant seeing the project through to completion.

    On the flipside, I was worried that if I didn’t go traveling with Sarah, I would miss my chance entirely. For weeks I was conflicted—paralyzed by confusion and completely frustrated with myself because I was totally incapable of making a decision.

    I was caught in one of those classic scenarios where you have your heart whispering in your left ear and your brain nagging in your right ear, both with opposing views.

    While leaving with Sarah sounded very tempting, I could not summon the courage to quit my job. My inner-conflict was all encompassing.

    In the end, tired of waiting for me to make up my mind, Sarah left without me.

    Over the following weeks, at every opportunity I dawdled around bookshops flipping through travel guides. I finished the work project and, as the assignment came to an end, I discovered that I had enjoyed it immensely even though at times I had been very distracted.

    I also discovered that I had a real talent for the work I was doing. As a result of my dedication and commitment, the firm rewarded me with another opportunity—a promotion and a pay rise.

    Ultimately, the extra money in my pay packet meant that I could afford to go and visit my friends, and this is eventually what I did. Down the track, I ended up enjoying the best of both opportunities, although at the time I did not know that it was going to work out that way.

    What I know now, looking back, is that by actively not making a decision about traveling versus my career, I was practicing the art of allowing.

    I sat with the confusion I felt. Even though it felt like I was really stuck, I was in fact, surrendering to the natural ebb and flow of my life and letting the next thing come to me.

    These days I try to practice the art of allowing more consciously, especially at times when I feel deeply conflicted and my head and heart are giving me different messages.

    When you’re in a state of confusion, resistance can easily set in. This causes anger, fear, panic, tension, and stress. Then, as a consequence of these emotions, we can also feel tempted to force a decision. But it is at exactly these times—when we are most uneasy—that we need to practice the art of allowing.

    Sometimes it takes real effort to do nothing and simply be in the experience. Especially because most of us want control, and we feel the need to be in charge of every aspect of our lives, especially at junctures when we perceive that our present circumstances are under the threat of change.

    But by practicing the art of allowing, we accept that change is constant. We also accept that control is an illusion. And when we slow down, relax, and simply observe what is happening in our lives, we can also sense how these things make us feel.

    We also need to have faith that our instincts (our inner-built compass) will tell us when the time is right to reach out for an opportunity. 

    When we do this, we’re truly living in the present. And we open up the scope for lasting and transformational change, secure in the knowledge that our journey is as individual as we are and that whatever comes next is meant to be.

    Woman with outstretched arms image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Tips to Stay in the Now During Busy Times

    6 Tips to Stay in the Now During Busy Times

    Businessman Meditating

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Have you ever had one of those days where you catch yourself rushing and not paying attention to the present moment?

    I had one of those days a few years ago.

    I had just ordered some coffee at a drive-thru and was waiting for the clerk to open the window.

    While I waited, I began plotting my plan of attack for running several personal errands. My to-do list was long, and I knew I was going to need to be efficient if I wanted to get everything done in the amount of time I had available.

    The clerk opened the window and I paid for my coffee. Then I drove off.

    A moment later, I reached down to my cup holder and realized that I’d driven off without the coffee.

    I swung back around and went through the drive-thru again. I was fortunate there was no line. I laughed and apologized to the clerk for rushing off without the coffee. “No problem,” she said. “It happens all the time!”

    I was surprised. This was the first time I had ever paid for something at a drive-thru and then drove off without it. I guess I wasn’t the only one that had done this.

    In a supercharged world where we are encouraged to multitask, it becomes more difficult than ever to be fully in the moment with what we are doing.

    If we are focused on rushing to the next event and our minds are on the future, it becomes easy to make mistakes in the present.

    In my case, I almost drove off and wasted my hard-earned money because I was paying more attention to my thoughts about my to-do list than what I was doing in the moment.

    Since that time, I have made an effort to bring more of my attention to the present moment. While it is not always easy, the following are six tips that help me stay in the moment during busy times.

    1. Relax your pace.

    After I realized my mistake at the coffee shop, I noticed how tense and anxious I was feeling about all of the things I wanted to do that day. When I paused to think about what I was doing, I realized there was really no need for me to be rushing through my day.

    I was putting pressure on myself to move fast out of habit. There was no deadline I needed to meet. I had generated all of the pressure, internally.

    As I gave myself permission to relax the pace and become more present, I felt relieved. The anxious and tense feelings melted away.

    2. Find some space.

    If you have a tendency to pack your schedule too tightly, try making a conscious effort to build some space in. You will be less likely to spend your time strategizing how you are going to get everything done and more likely to be able to be mindful in the moment.

    After I left the drive-thru coffee shop with my coffee in hand, I realized that I didn’t need to rush and run all of those errands the same day. I could space them out and allow myself a little breathing room in my schedule.

    I felt more at ease and found it easy to enjoy the rest of my day without continuing to obsess over my plans.

    3. Use mistakes as a signal.

    If you make a mistake doing something easy and familiar to you, this may be a signal that you have drifted out of the present moment.

    Go easy on yourself. It happens to most of us. Just observe what happened and gently bring yourself back to the now.

    4. Breathe.

    If you find that you have drifted out of the moment and are focused on the future or the past, try pausing and taking a few deep breaths.

    The simple act of paying attention to your breathing is an easy way to bring your focus back to what is happening in the moment.

    5. Be aware that rushing can be contagious.

    It can be tempting to join in if others are rushing, even when rushing is not in your best interest.

    For example, let’s say you are making a purchase at a retail store. The clerk has a long line and is moving fast to try to serve the customers as quickly as possible. When you reach the front of the line, you are tempted to match the clerk’s pace.

    As you speed up your pace, you lose your focus and forget to ask the clerk a question about the item you are buying. You regret rushing through the transaction later, after you remember that you forgot to get more information about the item before purchasing it.

    Try sticking with a pace that is natural for you. You will be more likely to keep your attention on what is important to you in the moment.

    6. Be compassionate with others.

    If you notice that someone has made a mistake because he or she is rushing and lacks focus on the present, try to be understanding. This can help you reaffirm your own focus on the moment.

    Many times, the person who made the mistake will acknowledge it, slow down, and come back to the present moment, like I did when I returned to the drive-thru coffee shop to claim my coffee.

    I appreciate that the clerk was kind and understanding, and I hope to pay that forward.

    Most of us have been less than fully present at one time or another.

    While being mindful in the moment can be a challenge during busy times, we will all benefit if we can practice mindfulness more often.

    Businessman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • You Are Not Your Thoughts and Feelings, and They Don’t Have to Bring You Down

    You Are Not Your Thoughts and Feelings, and They Don’t Have to Bring You Down

    Woman in Tree Pose

    “Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

    Think about the future! Don’t do something you’ll regret! You need to plan for tomorrow! I wish I hadn’t done that! Will things ever work out? Why did they do that? Will I ever find happiness? Why has life made me the way I am? What’s wrong with me?

    Around and around it went inside my mind, a never-ending internal conversation full of questions and uncertainties—the not knowing driving me insane and the desperation increasing every day. I must be able to resolve this, I thought. I need answers. I was overwhelmed by questions, uncertainty, indecision, paralysis, and fear.

    I couldn’t hold on to jobs or relationships. I became depressed, hurt the people I loved, and coped with it all by losing myself in drink and drugs. I was either reckless or petrified. I couldn’t communicate for fear of saying the wrong thing, but I desperately wanted to tell someone.

    The truth is I felt liberated when I couldn’t think. When the internal conversation was either struck dumb or so garbled I could laugh it off, I had some sort of respite.

    Later I would learn that I was self medicating for a generalized anxiety disorder but, at the time, I just knew that being out of my mind was preferable to being in it.

    Change Is Possible When We Act Mindfully

    I was extremely lucky. I live in a society that has within it people who understand and services that give support. Most importantly, I have an incredible family and true friends.

    When I needed it, was ready to make a change, and able to accept responsibility for my own behavior, my recovery began.

    During my recovery I was taught and used a behavioral model called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or ACT.) This is based upon three basic concepts:

    Acceptance

    I learned to foster greater acceptance for my own thoughts and feelings, other people, events beyond my control, and the beliefs I held at any given moment. By doing so I was able to break away from my preoccupation with anxiety and focus upon my recovery.

    Commitment

    I committed to change—to focus upon moving toward the things that really mattered in my life and to travel through the spiral of change on my own journey of recovery.

    Behavior

    I changed my behavior through mindfulness. I learned that regardless of my circumstances or the thoughts that colored my perception, my behavior could either move me away or toward the things that mattered to me. I had a choice. Not necessarily an easy choice, but a choice nonetheless.

    The Importance of Just Being

    I was one of the many with an addiction who had learned to act mindlessly. This is not to say that my behavior was without reason. Far from it.

    I always had good reasons to get wasted. I was feeling anxious and told myself I couldn’t cope, or I was angry and couldn’t see the point, or I was happy and felt like celebrating. In fact, I had an inexhaustible supply of reasons.

    I had learned a coping strategy that enabled me to manage my condition. Just like learning to drive or making coffee in the morning, I behaved on autopilot, without awareness of my own behavior.

    There’s nothing wrong with this psychological process. It’s an important part of being able to function. If every time you got behind the wheel or wanted a coffee you had to consciously relearn the process, your day would soon become totally unmanageable.

    Autopilot behavior like this is learned by repetition and sits in our subconscious, ready to be put into action when we need it. This is fine as long as the behavior benefits us and moves us toward the things that we need. Like driving us to work.

    The problem comes when the behavior not only takes us away from the things we value but also starts to create more problems than it solves.

    This was the nature of my addiction. Beyond the physical dependency (brutal but relatively short lived through medical detox), I discovered that my sense of self had been replaced by a yearning to be someone or something else. Something not me. Not me at all.

    I’d developed an obsession with wanting to become—become free from anxiety; become a more interesting person; become relaxed; become fulfilled; become happy.

    It was my desperation to change that led me to stay the same for ten years.

    How Living In The Now Changes Everything

    Acting mindfully and being aware of the now changed everything for me. As Eckhart Tolle so wisely wrote, “…the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.”

    I discovered that I am not who I think I am.

    My thoughts are my own but they do not describe me. Because I think or feel anxious, that doesn’t mean that I am anxious. It means I am experiencing the symptoms of anxiety, not that I am anxiety.

    If I am aware of now, then I notice these symptoms as they elevate my heart rate, dry my mouth, place intrusive thoughts in my mind, and push me toward “fight or flight response.”

    By noticing these sensations, I can be an observer of them and no longer a slave to them. I choose to identify them and give them a name. I choose to look at them in their stupid faces. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but I have learned to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

    I do not need to compensate for the things I feel or believe because they are simply thoughts and sensations that cannot harm me.

    If we are self-aware and mindful of behavior, then we can exercise choice over what we do right now. We can act not in response to the pressure of our thoughts and feelings, but because we are aware of what we value.

    Noticing is key. If we don’t notice what’s happening, then we can’t have a choice over how we respond to those things (whatever they may be).

    If I go to a room I’ve never been in before, open the door, and meet a person I’ve never met before who then tells me that I look ugly, I will have an emotional response. I can no more control those circumstances or my emotional response than I can the orbit of the planets.

    By noticing my reaction, I can accept my thoughts, feelings, and the reality of my situation. If I don’t, I will probably just react to the way I feel. Perhaps I’ll cry, shout abuse, or even take a substance to “help me calm down.” However, if I am aware and I notice what’s going on for me, then I have another option.

    I can pause before I act. I can choose my behavior based upon my awareness of both the situation and what matters to me.

    I have let go of trying to change the way I feel, and of trying to become something or someone else. I am simply living in the now, and I know that only my behavior shapes my destiny, regardless of my thoughts.

    I am aware of my behavior and I can control it; and, in doing so, I am living my life with purpose.

    If like me, you have struggled or are currently struggling with anxiety, mindfulness could help you, as well. You are not your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. You don’t need to try so hard to control them; you just need to accept them and come into the present moment so you can control what you do.

    Woman in tree pose image via Shutterstock

  • When Waiting Gives You Anxiety: How to Find Peace in the Present

    When Waiting Gives You Anxiety: How to Find Peace in the Present

    “The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for.” ~Dan Millman

    Nothing gives me anxiety quite like waiting for things to happen. If I don’t know how long I will be in line, stuck on a delayed NYC subway, or behind someone at the grocery store who is paying in pennies, I get very anxious. Or at least I used to.

    Going to the doctor’s office was the worst. I know that no one likes to be sick or in pain before going to the doctor. People don’t like to be poked at or asked personal, embarrassing questions during the exam either. Those were not the worst parts for me at all. The worst part for me was the waiting.

    I once went to a doctor’s office for a 9:45AM appointment and had to wait in the lobby until 11AM before going to the exam room.

    I waited in that exam room for over an hour before the doctor even showed up. She was in the room for five minutes, and that was that. I wasn’t even sick. It was just for a yearly checkup that I had voluntarily went in for.

    Being in a small room all alone, unable to go anywhere, was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I sat and waited. Looked at the clock. Tried to stay warm (it was freezing in that tiny room). Looked at the clock again. Told myself to just get up and leave. Looked at the clock again.

    Then it hit me: My very first anxiety attack.

    When you have been in a lobby waiting and waiting, just to get into an exam room to wait and wait some more, your brain does funny things that work against you. I started to feel like I was going to be there forever, like I was forgotten, and like I didn’t matter.

    I thought about leaving numerous times, but then my brain would convince me that I was sure the doctor would be in in the next five minutes…she just had to be. Then she wasn’t, and I would wait five minutes more.

    This made the cycle of waiting even worse, since I began to do the math in my head about how much time of my life was being wasted at this doctor’s office.

    By the time my doctor came into the room, my palms were sweating, I was probably a bit pale, and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. I was also fighting back tears of frustration, anger, and stress.

    With a smile, she said, “Sorry for the wait. It’s been a busy day.” Trying to be polite I just nodded, and said it was okay, even though my body wanted me to scream, “If you know you’re going to be busy, let me know! I’ve been in here for over an hour!” and run out of the room.

    The next time I went to the doctor’s office I prepared. I had a big meal so I was well fed, I brought a book to pass the time, and I also brought a sweater to combat the cold. These little tweaks helped me to overcome the terrible inconveniences of my waiting environment, but not overcome the anxious feelings brought on by the waiting.

    The only thing that helped my anxiety was staying present.

    When I think about being right here, right now, I also like to think, “There is nowhere else I am meant to be.” If I know that I am meant to be right where I am, I can stay there and not feel like I should be somewhere else or that I am wasting my time waiting for others.

    I like to think that maybe I was meant to stay in that office for over two hours because on the way home I went to get coffee and saw an old friend that I would have otherwise missed.

    Maybe half an hour before I was able to go home, the perfect parking spot was unavailable in front of my apartment building. Perhaps my timing was so great that I got that perfect spot, and one of life’s little victories was mine.

    Maybe somehow the universe had me stay at that doctor’s office for over two hours in order to avoid heartache, pain, or annoyance that I could have been a part of otherwise.

    Maybe I was right there, right then, learning a lesson for future me to live in the moment and control my anxious thoughts.

    Things happen that are out of our control every day. Sometimes the person in front of you at the grocery store pays in pennies. Sometimes you sit alone and are in your own head for two hours feeling forgotten.

    If you can learn to acknowledge that you are right here, right now, for a reason, the thoughts that want to run wild in your head can be tamed, you can gain some control, and you can control your anxiety.

  • Releasing Painful Memories to Live More Fully in the Present

    Releasing Painful Memories to Live More Fully in the Present

    Zen Man

    “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    For thirteen years I’ve lived a high-risk lifestyle that focuses very much on the here and now, because I’m an entrepreneur, and that means making lots of fast decisions that affect the future.

    It took a while for me to develop confidence in myself, as we tend to doubt ourselves much more than other people might doubt us. Our thoughts form our doubts, so I knew I had to do something to move forward from the thoughts that weren’t serving me.

    I identified that many of these thoughts weren’t even my own. They were instilled into me through society, parenting, environment, and the media.

    In fact, until I left my last job, my life was one big predetermined path of ideas, set up by everyone else but myself.

    Becoming aware of a problem is always the first step toward healing. Now that I entered into the realm of self-awareness, I realized that new thoughts were rapidly reconfiguring my past experiences to teach me new lessons.

    As I dove into the rabbit hole and asked myself some tough questions, rather than getting clarity on my thoughts, I got more confused. There was just so much information around me, largely due to the Internet, that I had no way of getting to the important life lessons I knew were within me.

    All this extra information became chaotic and useless until I could make sense and organize it in my mind. So, I took to journaling to begin this process of managing my thoughts, and in this process I learned some valuable ideas that have helped me to form the basis of the three tips below.

    A major moment of clarity happened through writing when I learned that our thoughts and memories are never the truth; they are just our interpretation of them. Our own interpretations of reality are open to debate because, ultimately, our perceptions are not the truth.

    Mind Blown

    That single idea that my truth was open to debate led me to question everything, and when I questioned all the painful memories from the past that were there haunting me, I knew I was onto something.

    Those past memories act like a rubber band pulling tighter on unresolved thoughts as time goes by. By letting go of all those memories, the tension on that band is released, and that means you can be more present.

    Living in the present has allowed me to love my family more, to pick and choose the right friends to have in my life, and to look forward into the future.

    I’d like to share three things I learned that have helped me let go of painful memories and become more present.

    Change the meaning you’ve given to painful memories.

    I’ve mentioned that thoughts are never really purged from your mind; they are just suppressed or pushed down into the unconscious mind.

    The trouble is that, although you might not be actively thinking about them, the meaning you have ascribed to them will linger in your unconscious mind and serve to move you in a particular direction. (The movie Inception handles this concept beautifully.)

    As a child, my parents used to “teach me a lesson” a lot. I wasn’t particularly naughty but my parents, coming from a strict Chinese upbringing, brought that style of parenting with them to the UK when they immigrated.

    A lot of the painful memories I had as a kid taught me to hate them because I did not understand why they would be so mean to me. Different cultures teach in different ways, just as differently educated people teach in different ways.

    Here I was, being brought up in a very conservative country with British ideals fighting with Eastern culture on thoughts about how to teach values to children. I spent a lot of years not understanding why they were the way they were, until I discovered psychology and NLP in my later years.

    I took many courses to understand human communication and subsequently learned about changing past memories. That’s when I looked back and slowly began to unravel the reasons why they behaved in such a way. I changed my perception of these painful memories.

    You see, they were doing the best they could with the physical and mental resources they had available to them. They did a good job really, but it took revaluating those thoughts to realize this. Inevitably, my respect for them only grew, as more understanding meant more compassion.

    You have to deal with these painful past memories and ascribe new meaning to them in order to move on. Talk to someone about it or spend some time contemplating it for yourself, but never leave it alone to gestate, as this will not serve you.

    Documenting your thoughts provides clarity.

    However you choose to document your thoughts and ideas, make sure you don’t just meditate on them. Although I am a fan of meditation, I do think that getting the thought out of your head and onto paper/audio/video (whatever you works for you) allows you to detach from that painful memory and look at it more constructively.

    Our emotions often cloud our judgment in the heat of the moment, so you’re likely to record past experiences that were charged full of negative emotion with a strong untruthful bias in your mind.

    The documentation process helps to separate the facts from the emotion and allows you to reflect on that past thought more accurately.

    I also learned that all our senses help make up our memories, and when we write in a diary we are only making use of two of those senses. But with a video diary I was making use of four of those senses. It just accelerated the whole learning process.

    There is always a positive lesson to learn from every memory.

    No matter how terrible one’s past experiences might have been, there is always something positive we can learn from those memories. In the worst cases, our emotions get in the way of the lesson, but often if we can detach from the experience and look again, we can find it.

    My sister was a right little spy when we were growing up. She would always be telling mother about the bad things I did, and I hated her for it.

    I felt like she was betraying me, possibly just to get more attention from our parents, and this was the beginning of a difficult relationship that would grow between us. We hardly talk now, and she would never offer up information about her life willingly.

    Only recently did I learn that perhaps I was responsible for this. I realize that I wasn’t a sharer as a child, and maybe this was her way of trying to get me to share. Learning this, I decided to change the way we communicate. I now share a lot of information about my life with her when we do chat, and I’ve noticed slowly that she is also doing the same.

    This relationship might take a while to repair, but that positive lesson from the past has meant that we can begin to take small steps forward now in developing a new sibling relationship.

    By being a fly on the wall of your past experiences, you can look objectively at the situation and figure out what you can gain from it.

    An Ongoing Promise

    The thing about living in the present is that it quickly becomes the past. As evolving human beings we learn new things and experience new thoughts all the time, and that means there’s always an opportunity for painful memories to occur.

    It’s not possible to live sheltered from pain, which is why we need to commit to reflection and learning so we won’t be held back by our negative experiences.

    It’s a promise we must all make for ourselves: to learn, reflect, and be present.

    Meditating man image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Technique to Quiet Your Mind and Be Present

    A Simple Technique to Quiet Your Mind and Be Present

    “Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.” ~Osho

    Meditating. It’s one of those things that we all know we’d be better off doing, but most of us struggle with it immensely.

    It’s difficult. It’s hard to find the time. And it often doesn’t seem like it’s working.

    For many years, I’ve tried to make meditation a regular habit. But rarely can I do it consistently. It’s almost always the first thing to go when I’m crunched for time or feeling stressed.

    Of course, those are the times that meditation is best!

    But, for someone like me who has difficulty paying attention in general, the standard “beginner’s meditation” is often insufficient. It’s quite challenging to do nothing but focus on your breath for five minutes, let alone twenty or more.

    This has only gotten more challenging since moving from a university setting to a full-time job. Now my mind is often so crammed with technical details of troubleshooting health information systems that the idea of shutting off my mind for even a few minutes feels nearly impossible.

    I know I’m not alone here. Many people struggle with this, and it is a nontrivial problem. I’m not an insomniac, but on numerous occasions I’ve been completely unable to go to sleep because I simply cannot shut my mind off long enough to pass out.

    Sometimes I’m concerned with what someone said to me at work that day. Sometimes it’s missing my family and friends. Sometimes I beat myself up for not going to the gym that day. And sometimes it’s just a whole mess of thoughts that I can’t quite pin down.

    As such, I’ve been in the market for a meditative technique that can be done any time, anywhere, for as long or short as I’d like, and without requiring the ability for sustained attention. I believe I’ve just found this technique.

    Before going into it, I would like to acknowledge the fact that having the ability to sustain your attention for extended periods is invaluable, and absolutely worth working toward. The technique I will be discussing should be used to help build this capability, not to replace it entirely.

    The Technique Sensory Awareness

    Rather than directing your attention inward, say, toward your breath, what about directing it outward toward the world around you?

    This is an approach that I first came across right here on Tiny Buddha, when Lori described “the noticing game.”

    The idea is that you can expand your awareness by paying attention to the things around you, and trying to notice as much of your environment as possible. A great, common example of this would be “people watching.”

    The noticing game has helped me tremendously as a meditative technique, but it does have its limitations.

    For instance, I’ve found that it tends to cause a feeling of separateness—that I am in some sense isolated from whatever it is that I am observing. In addition, I have a tendency to search around more frenetically than I should, trying to notice the “coolest” thing in my environment.

    Surely, this is not the intention behind the exercise, but I do feel as though it is a consequence of the simplification that comes from looking at it as a game. While the noticing game has benefited me greatly, I’ve recently been taking it to the next level with a slight modification of that approach.

    A couple weeks ago, I came across a great method of expanding my awareness in a fascinating book about Kabbalah, or Jewish mysticism. You can think of it as a more generalized or holistic version of the noticing game.

    The goal is to maximize the use of your sensory perception.

    When we are not conscious of it, we filter out a huge quantity of sensory data that is not useful for whatever task we are trying to accomplish. This is a great evolutionary strategy, and it also gives us the opportunity to expand our awareness whenever we feel like it. Double win!

    First, let your vision expand peripherally. No need to turn your head, look around, or change your body position at all. You can see (at least in my experience) about 50% more of your environment simply by being conscious of it. Try it out now!

    Expanding your visual awareness like this makes you feel more alert and “in the moment.” In other words, it does much of what traditional meditation does, but without needing to focus on anything in particular.

    But why stop at just visual perception? You can pay more attention to the sounds in your environment as well.

    You need not focus on a particular sound; simply let the noises in your environment get consciously registered in your mind. Huge amounts of ambient noise gets filtered out, but you can easily remove that filter for short periods of time, thereby noticing much more of your environment.

    Next, notice your body. Right now, I’m quite aware of an uncomfortable twinge in the center of my back. But until I started paying attention a moment ago, I couldn’t actually “feel” my butt in my seat, or the bottoms of my feet on the ground.

    These feelings simply got filtered out, because they are bland and uninteresting from an evolutionary standpoint. But they’re actually quite interesting as I pay attention to them.

    There’s really nothing new or revolutionary about this technique. In fact, one of its major advantages is the simplicity of the whole thing; there’s no need for any complicated maneuvers.

    We all have much more awareness potential than we actually use in our daily lives. Instead of actively trying to notice specific things in your environment, you can let the environment come to you and soak it all up together.

    Most of us, most of the time, are experiencing life on autopilot. But without a huge amount of effort, we can begin to spend more and more time in a state of calm awareness, where the trials and tribulations of the day become unimportant.

    Our anxieties and concerns take on a fraction of the significance we normally attribute to them. And who wouldn’t want that?

  • 3 Keys to Jumpstarting Your Life If You’ve Been Living on Hold

    3 Keys to Jumpstarting Your Life If You’ve Been Living on Hold

    Excited Man

    “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole lives waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    One key lesson I learned on my journey to developing my business knowledge base is that everything is built from the ground up, and each stage has important lessons for the subsequent stages. Sometimes we are only privy to the first stages.

    Other times, we only see the middle and final stages. These are the times when we are wowed at how fast things have happened for others, and we become insecure and worried about the pace of our growth.

    No one comes to Earth fully equipped with all the skills to make and sustain a successful business. For some, it takes years to even figure out what our business is. Plus, in this fast-paced world, we can quickly come to find out that there is no constant.

    We may be in one business today and another tomorrow. In life, as in business, we are challenged to constantly reinvent, identify what does and does not work for us, and find ways to enhance the things that do.

    Making successful life pivots requires an understanding that each phase of life brings its own set of challenges and lessons.

    We create space for joy through flexibility and a willingness to love ourselves in and through each stage.

    Too often we get stuck because where we are now does not look like we had envisioned. We waste precious time wishing things were otherwise, forgetting that we have the power to change our circumstances by merely choosing the way we interpret them.

    Sometimes we stop living, hoping that if we just get through now we can have the life we want. This sometimes painful process holds significant lessons for growth and development.

    This lesson in clarity and the importance of remaining in the now came to me while I was in graduate school.

    I remember rushing through college, just trying to get done so that I could move on to graduate school—all the while rushing to finish my thesis, then finish practicum, then finish my dissertation in the hopes that I could finally start living my life.

    I spent ten years of my life chasing the next starting point.

    I lived, ate, and breathed school, all the while neglecting those experiences that were happening around me.

    Opportunities to learn from others, and to connect and network with colleagues and friends in different fields, passed me by while I wished time would hurry up so that I could get started with my life.

    It wasn’t until I was about to complete graduate school with no real social life, no significant relationships, and no real plan that the realization hit me. I had pegged so much on getting done that I had no idea who I was and what it meant for me to be an individual outside of academia.

    As graduation neared, the pain of losing the structure hit me like a ton of bricks. I had relied so much on an institution to provide my social life and identity that living on my own terms elicited a truckload of existential angst and panic.

    Many nights, I would lie awake wrangling my brain to figure out where to go next and what I could make happen, neglecting the fact that life is a process and the universe takes care of you if you let it.

    What ensued was a frantic soul-searching and confidence-building initiative. Sadly, what had happened as I gave up my self-determination was that I lost confidence in my ability to make decisions.

    I didn’t trust myself to make the best decisions for myself because I had allowed the academic process to lead my life. I had become a bystander in my own life and climbing back was no easy task.

    In order to move away from waiting to live to living wholeheartedly I chose to:

    1. Acknowledge that while I was waiting, life was happening.

    The things I was waiting to happen were happening all around me; I was just not a part of them.

    Life doesn’t stop because we’re busy. Children grow up, family members and friends grow, and the world keeps turning.

    What happens in those moments can never be relived and regrets can never give them back.

    We can start to help this process by opening our eyes and hearts and paying attention to what is happening around us.

    While we might not be fully ready to wake up, realizing that things keep moving while we’re standing still may be the very thing that you need to cross over and start living the life that changes your entire being.

    2. Stop second-guessing whether I was on the right path; no experience is wasted.

    The emotion that we normally experience after realizing that life is passing us by is fear—fear that we have made the wrong decisions, that we have missed our calling, that where we are is not where we are meant to be.

    What results is a frantic searching for purpose. We begin to think that, because we have not been participating in life as we were thought it would look, we must be on the wrong path.

    While it’s true that we may not have experienced some things that may have had the potential to change our lives, careers, and family life choices, what we experience is what we are meant to.

    Every path brings its own purpose and lessons for growth and happiness. The issue is not whether the path is right or wrong, but whether we have been paying attention to the opportunities for growth that the path presented.

    Often, when we feel like life has passed us by, we have been awake at the wheel but paying very little attention to the lessons we were there to learn.

    3. Start living in the moments I had knowing that now was as perfect a time as any.

    As Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book The Power of Now, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

    Remember that you can’t go back and change the past. You can choose how you will live the moments in front of you.

    A decision to live these moments to the fullest will enhance your perception of the past and help you to identify the lessons that you can take with you into the present and future.

    The memories of the past all have a place, to teach you lessons to move you closer to where you can be your best self. Nothing else. Not regret, anger or animosity.

    Now provides the perfect opportunity to create the life you want. Take hope from the realization that now is the perfect time. It is all you have, after all. Do your best with it and live your life.

    Jumping man image via Shutterstock

  • Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life?

    Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life?

    Happy Guy

    “It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

    I was slipping deeper into a dark spiral after my fortieth birthday, looking for anything to grab onto and pull myself out of the darkness. Some said I was having a midlife crisis, but I believe it was actually the beginning of an awakening for me. For the sake of argument, I’ll call it a midlife awakening.

    This by no means meant that I understood the meaning of life and was all of a sudden enlightened and happy—quite the contrary. I was seeing for the first time the “me” that everyone else saw and had no idea who that person was or wanted to be.

    Try as I might, I could not remember much about my thirties. I know worked a lot and was raising my daughters as well as coaching; I was staying busy but definitely not living. I became numb to my surroundings: feeling no pain, no happiness, nothing but a big empty hole inside.

    Still, the real wakeup call came after returning to school as a forty year old. Working on an assignment for a speech class I watched a video tape of an overweight, sad, negative person.

    This led me toward the beginning of my journey and the first challenge was to rid myself of negativity. It was a journey to be positive and learn how to “live” my life as each moment presents itself to me.

    Setting out on a quest to find a spiritual balance that was not tied to labels and judgment, the biggest test was still being around people that knew the old me as I continued my transformation. It’s easy to get dragged back into old habits and feelings, so I separated myself from as many “triggers” as I could.

    In 2007 after my youngest daughter turned twenty-one, I made the decision to separate and later divorce, since the relationship was a major source of negativity.

    I was nineteen when this relationship started, so I never had a chance to know myself and, as selfish as it sounds, I needed to know me. One of the first things I learned was that I did not know how to be alone. As a matter of fact, this was my first time in my life with my own apartment.

    There was a lot of reading and soul searching going on and still going on, but little by little I got better at being me.

    In the fall of 2009 I met my soul mate, and although I previously said I would never marry again, in June of 2010 I asked and she accepted. We once wondered why we couldn’t have met sooner in our lives, but I know the answer is that we were not the people we are today, so it would not have been the same.

    I have never pretended to possess all the answers but I do freely give some advice when the opportunity arises, especially when people bring a child into the world. That is not take one moment for granted and enjoy their child or grandchild every chance they have.

    We spend so much time being busy and not enough time just being.

    I rarely look at the news, television, or read a newspaper because many times when I do I feel bad, and common sense tells me if something feels bad, don’t do it.

    Outside of work I try to surround myself with positive, good hearted people and do activities that help keep me centered.

    Exercise and running have become my best centering activities. Trail running particularly meets all of this criteria because it seems to draw these people, and if you run a rocky, root bound, hilly trail you had better be in the moment.

    There are moments that I know are gone forever and I can’t go back and try again to live them. I will strive to live every minute I am afforded and try to share what I have learned with anyone who is willing to listen.

    My intent is to pass on my love for the beauty and serenity of nature and the satisfaction of learning from everyone we meet along the way.

    I would love to tell you that I live in complete peace and harmony all the time now and I have my life in perfect order. But that wouldn’t be true. Still, living is a more positive and open-minded process now and I feel like I am a better person—one who does not have to be faultless.

    Also by having a more positive group of friends, I have help on the days when the ego wants the negative side to make an appearance.

    As our responsibilities grow it is increasingly easy to retreat into busy mode, overloading our senses, and lose touch with those around us.

    Staying busy as a defense mechanism leaves you stagnant; not growing, not solving anything, and not living your life. It is the equivalent of looking the other way and thinking that if you don’t see something it is not real.

    I try to remind myself to cherish every moment I am given with my family, friends, and people I care about. I fight the urge to excuse myself from experiences, from this moment, because if I tell someone “I’m just too busy” I will never get that time back.

    I read somewhere that if you stick your hand in a river you can never touch the same water twice, because by the time you stick your hand back in the water has moved on. It is like that with time and being busy simply for the sake of being busy; once that moment is gone you can never get it back.

    Happy guy image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Ways to Find Fulfillment Wherever You Are in Life

    3 Ways to Find Fulfillment Wherever You Are in Life

    Feel Alive

    “Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.” ~Unknown

    For almost all my life, I have lived in my head.

    In my head, there was a utopia. And that utopia was named “someday.”

    “Someday” I would have my degree, have the perfect relationship, become successful in business, own a beautiful home near the beach, be more athletic, and of course, be completely fulfilled with every aspect of my life.

    For me, “Someday” was both a place of refuge and a place of torment. Because although in my mind, it gave me something to hope for, it also made every moment of every day feel… empty.

    Nothing I did or experienced in the moment was ever enough. I lived life as a means to an end that never seemed to come.

    Each day I would wake up and jump from one thing to the next. When brushing my teeth I would think about breakfast, at breakfast I’d think about my commute, and so forth until I reached the brief moments just before I fell asleep, so I could promise myself “ Don’t worry, it’s all worth it—you’re getting closer!”

    I felt like I had to rush against some invisible clock to pack my life with the fulfilment I thought I needed.

    Milestones were passed and yet, I never stopped to appreciate any of it. I rushed head first into a serious relationship that wasn’t right for me, moved across the country to find myself, and launched a business.

    After years of working hard, I finally woke up one day to realize that I was “there.” I was engaged, living in a five-bedroom house, working as a high level marketing consultant, and had everything I thought I had wanted “someday.”

    And yet… I was still completely unsatisfied.

    While outsiders saw an amazing life, I was stuck comparing “someday” to my current life, and lamenting on how it didn’t stack up.

    Then, something amazing happened.

    I lost it all.

    And I mean lost. It. ALL: My relationship exploded, I had to leave my home, I was let go from my high paid consulting gig, no longer had a car, and to top it off, I lost the two closest members of my family. All while being stranded thousands of miles away from any loved ones.

    In the space of two weeks.

    At the time I didn’t think it was such an amazing experience. It felt like I was standing at the top of a mountain while it crumbled under my feet, and I saw the fall I was about to take.

    The amazing part came over the next couple of years, while I nestled in a humble little cottage working to rebuild my life.

    At first, I felt sorry for myself. I started to sink into a deep “why me” pity party, and everyone was invited.

    Then I realized, I was standing over the edge of a deep, bottomless hole. I could fight life and keep sinking deeper and deeper. Or I could decide to find a reason to step away from that edge and keep going.

    I decided to look away from the edge. And it changed my life.

    Here’s what I discovered:

    Love the present moment.

    Fully accept it and fully love it. It took me a long time to understand that you can want to change or move towards a goal, and still love where you’re at now. Life is about living and embracing each moment, not looking to some future that will never come.

    Find the blessings in the current situation.

    No matter how dark your situation seems, there is a jewel hidden somewhere inside it. You can make up your mind to see only the bad stuff, or you go find the beautiful stuff and be grateful for it.

    Understand that there is no magic moment that will save you—and rejoice!

    We’re all looking for that thing that will give us deep fulfilment. But it’s not outside of you. It’s not hiding in a job, in cars, in a house, in a relationship, or anything else. Those are all nice things to have. But that deep fulfilment will not come from any of those sources.

    You’re already a full and complete person. And part of connecting with that deep fulfilment is simply in finding the joys in the current moment.

    —

    These three simple steps broke the hold that “someday” had on me. I realized that “someday” was every day. Every moment of our lives.

    I started to enjoy every day. And to my surprise the fulfilment I thought that I had to work for was right there all along—even though I had nothing that I thought I wanted!

    The funniest thing is that once I let go of that search for fulfilment, everything that used to live in the world of “someday” manifested into my life with ease. I have since found my soul mate, live next to the beach, run my own heart-based business, and although I’m no athlete, I’m definitely much healthier.

    However, I always remember that regardless of whether these things stay with me or go, I will always have fulfilment in my life.

    Sotake on any challenge or go after any goal with a clear conscience knowing that you don’t need it to become completely fulfilled right now.

    You are already complete.

    Man on top of the world image via Shutterstock

  • Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present

    Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present

    Happy and Present

    “The past exists only in our memories, the future only in our plans. The present is our only reality.” ~Robert Pirsig

    Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by unpleasant thoughts and feelings? Do they show up like an uninvited guest when you’re least expecting them?

    About eight months ago, I quit a lucrative corporate job in finance to follow my passion, writing.

    Like most things in life, this decision came with a cost.

    And all the angst that comes with it.

    A few months into my venture, I noticed my angst had become a large part of my mental world. I worried I’d run out of money, that my dream of being a well-paid writer wouldn’t materialize.

    I’d admonish myself for leaving a perfectly secure job to chase a pipe dream. “What were you thinking?” I’d say to myself, “I mean, how stupid could you be?

    Eventually, I noticed something interesting.

    All the obstacles to my happiness were about imagined future scenarios (i.e.: I will never earn a living again), or doubts about past choices (i.e.: Did I make the right choice by leaving a lucrative corporate job behind?).

    None of them were rooted in the present moment.

    In fact, they stole my present moments like thieves in the night.

    Eventually, I realized that if I didn’t deal with these feelings, I’d snap. I had to find a way to deal with these obstacles to my happiness that kept me from taking positive action in the present.

    So I did what anyone would do: I turned to Google.

    I researched various approaches of dealing with my feelings that held me back from acting in the present.

    I discovered meditation and daily mindfulness practice as a powerful solution, and subscribed to various mindfulness blogs.

    A few months down the track, I came across this post by Lori Deschene.

    Lori’s words around letting go of emotions (dealing with the mental demons once and for all) struck a chord with me:

    “Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.”

    The truth is, you can only let go of feelings after immersing yourself in them.

    Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

    But that’s the one thing that always works.

    The following are five great ways to overcome the obstacles to happiness and feelings that keep you from living fully in the present.

    1. Fully embrace your feelings with openness, even the negative ones.

    That’s right.

    Embrace your feelings fully in each present moment and let them pass when they’ve run their course.

    So, if you’re feeling fear, feel it fully in the now. Without reacting to it.

    Watch the fear as it manifests in your body. Fear manifests as butterflies in my stomach and tingling in my forearms.

    How does it manifest in yours?

    Remember, the only way to truly let go of feelings is to allow them to run their natural course with conscious awareness.

    2. Use journaling to create mental spaciousness and increase your ability to let go.

    This is quite effective in slowing the mind down.

    Most writers would agree that seeing your thoughts appear on a page before you is therapeutic.

    Writing also increases your ability to detach from the immediacy of painful thoughts and feelings.

    Journaling is a great way to bring awareness to your destructive thought patterns, so you can change them.

    At the end of each day, write down what you learned from the day. What upset you and what made you feel fantastic? If something upset you, how much of that was based on your interpretation of the situation, which arose from your assumptions about it?

    How often do you journal?

    3. Use your breath to bring your attention back to the present moment.

    Mark Twain famously said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

    So many of our fears (future projections) never actually come to pass.

    And anyway, the past and the future live only in our imagination—in this present moment.

    When your mind is fully in the present, you can’t engage in fearful thoughts about the future or regretful thoughts about the past.

    So, focus on your breath in this present moment.

    The benefits of doing this are as follows:

    • It brings your attention back to this moment.
    • It engages your mind in something non-conceptual.

    What’s your breathing like right now? Is it deep? Shallow?

    4. Recognize that your reaction to events dictates your life experience, not the event itself.

    In his book called Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer explains the importance of separating our reactions to thoughts from the thoughts themselves.

    Imagine this.

    Cal agonizes over the idea that his boss thinks he’s stupid. He loses sleep over it. It’s the bane of his existence.

    Now, let’s say Cal had no idea that his boss thought he was stupid.

    Then he wouldn’t be unhappy, right? How could Cal be unhappy about something he didn’t know?

    The point: Cal’s boss’ opinion isn’t making Cal unhappy. It’s Cal’s reaction to his boss’ opinion that’s making Cal unhappy.

    By taking ownership of his reaction of his own thoughts, Cal can take charge of his mental world.

    He can choose to react differently to his boss’ (low) opinion of him. Cal can choose to give his boss’ opinion less importance by recognizing that it’s one person’s opinion among many.

    Paradoxically, this would actually enable Cal to see it as constructive criticism and better himself as a result.

    Think about the last time you were upset. What were you telling yourself about the event that upset you? Were you upset because of your reaction to the event or because of the event itself?

    5. Discover how your underlying assumptions are secretly affecting your life.

    Our underlying assumptions, of which we are often completely unaware, are responsible for a lot of self blame and distress.

    Let’s go back to my example at the start of this post.

    My feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry were all based on an implicit assumption that my writing career should have taken off within six months. My assumption just wasn’t valid. Getting traction as a writer often takes years.

    My underlying assumptions were wrongly implying that I had failed without me realizing it.

    Once I recognized the absurdity of the underlying assumption, the feelings of fear around never being able to launch a successful blog dissipated immediately.

    What are the underlying assumptions that have you judging yourself harshly?

    —

    Conquering your demons isn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

    Sure, it’s often uncomfortable to embrace your feelings fully, or to be mindful of how your underlying assumptions are sabotaging your life. But each of us has the capacity to do it.

    The question isn’t, “Can I do it?” but rather, “Will I do it?”

    If you want to live a full life, resolve to set yourself on the path this very moment. Right now. Don’t put it off for another second.

    You have to realize that this life is yours to be lived to the fullest. And only you can determine your attitude toward letting go of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.

    So take a deep breath. Breathe in this moment. And give it your best.

    Right now!

    Happy yoga woman image via Shutterstock

  • Be Present, Be Yourself: 5 Lessons from Dance Meditation

    Be Present, Be Yourself: 5 Lessons from Dance Meditation

    Dancing

    “While I dance I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance.” ~Hans Bos

    I am not a dancer. I was kicked out jazz ballet, and I am so clumsy that I once broke the mirror in an aerobics class. I don’t dance at parties, either, because to be honest I don’t enjoy it.

    But turns out, just like everyone else, I am also a dancer.

    A year and a half ago I was volunteering in the Turkish mountains, and after a rather upsetting situation I had the sudden urge to go out into the forest and dance, without music, in nature, in peace and safety. It was a beautiful experience, but I forgot about it soon after leaving Turkey.

    Last summer a friend of mine was passionately sharing her experiences at a dance meditation class she was taking. I’m still not sure why, but I just knew in my heart it was for me. I had to try it. I found a class, went, and completely fell in love.

    Movement meditation, or dance meditation, is an experience that is nearly impossible to put into words, as it is a dance without any instructions, following the music and the rhythms.

    In movement meditation class, people move their bodies as they feel like it, without judgment, just letting everything go, just being present, just being themselves.

    Besides running, I have never felt so safe, free, and present in the moment as during a dance class. It became my meditation, my relaxation, and a little slice of home in my heart.

    Movement meditation has given me so much—so much joy, so much passion, so many smiles, so many emotions. But most of all, dance meditation has given me so many valuable lessons to be used in my life.

    1. You can be part of the crowd and still be yourself.

    During movement meditation we dance alone, yet we dance together. Some people, like me, prefer to mostly remain in their own world, while others would rather connect for a while. We are all part of the same crowd, yet we respect each other’s world and remain in our own dance.

    It’s just like in real life: There are so many people busy running to work, to school, to pick up the kids, to get their shopping done, and so on. We pass each other; sometimes we connect and often we don’t, but we are part of the same place.

    We are all connected, occupying the same planet and connected to the same universe, yet there is room to be ourselves, to express our own creative power, and to live our own passion from our heart.

    2. Every body is beautiful.

    I looked rather skeletal when I entered my first dance meditation class after losing too much weight, while trying to heal from a chronic health condition through various cleanses and elimination diets.

    Since then, I’ve healed my health conditions and gained the weight back. My body is different now, and I would be lying if I said the change in my body shape has always been easy, but dance meditation has helped me tremendously with this process.

    Every time I dance I feel my body as something connected to and part of a beautiful bigger whole rather than as a lonely and disconnected object.

    Moving among other bodies, I not only feel an amazing connection, but I also experience how beautiful we are all, in body and spirit. Leaving class, walking down the street, I remind myself to respect my body, because, just like every body, it’s beautiful.

    3. It is okay to change direction.

    The music is different every class, and how I feel can be different every minute. Sometimes I do one thing, but then my heart changes and so does my movement. I can even sit down if I want to.

    I am a person who lives a rather alternative life by society’s standard, always following her heart wherever it leads her. Dancing reassures me that it is more than okay to change direction, stop, turn back, run forward, or jump between different roads.

    Dancing reassures me that the heart knows the best; therefore, it is the best to listen to the heart. The rest will follow.

    4. It’s okay to do your own thing.

    Looking into a dance meditation class may be crazy to a completely oblivious outsider. There are people jumping and even screaming. While others move gracefully in their beautiful slow dance, some are rolling on the floor, and yet a few are sitting in meditative pose. Everyone does their own dance, which can look chaotic at first glance.

    But as my teacher often says, there is no right or wrong; whatever and however you dance is okay, and the same truth holds for life.

    It is pointless to compare ourselves to others or even to our past life or future goals because we’re all different, coming from different places. Living in the present moment is a beautiful thing, and following our own instincts is the best way to live in the moment.

    5. Dance from your heart, live from your heart.

    Some days when I go to class I am extremely happy and I just want to put my joy on the floor. There are days when I come with sadness, anger, or frustration, which I am able to release in movement. Whatever I feel in my heart is the thing that comes out in my dance.

    I truly believe in the power and importance of authenticity. Just like in dance, living an authentic, honest life from our heart gives a tremendous amount of freedom, because it’s only in acknowledging and showing our true feelings that we’re able to work through them. To live free and happy, remember to live from your heart.

    Photo by m01229

  • Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future

    Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future

    Happy

    “You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I found myself at a crossroads last year. I had reached the end of my time in college, and I had no post-graduation commitments.

    I was working at the time on my applications to medical school, as I have wanted to become a doctor for a long time. However, I knew that medical schools are inundated with qualified applicants every year, but only have a few seats to offer. Thus, my vision of myself as a doctor still seemed to be only a dream, and I didn’t see myself on the path toward becoming a doctor yet.

    Paradoxically, during this commitment-free time, my realization that an infinite number of paths were available paralyzed me. What if I made a wrong turn?

    I searched for clues as to which path might be best for me.

    I first observed the doctors I had met as an example of what my life could become. Fear and anxiety manifested as a “negativity lens” that altered my field of vision. I found fault with every doctor I encountered, even the ones who were happy with their career—so many more were burnt-out, insisting that I still had time to change my mind.

    I was scared of becoming like them. I decided to mentally let go of my commitment to this career path as I imagined other possibilities. Perhaps I could be a stay-at-home mom instead, or maybe a chef, as I had always loved to cook.

    I looked to each of the two aforementioned types of people for inspiration again. Unsurprisingly, I hated everything I saw. My blue-tinted binoculars were in full effect as I looked ahead on the path to becoming a full-time family woman, leading a life plagued by a lack of fulfillment and resentment.

    I explored the path to becoming a chef and saw myself dealing with ungrateful customers and having no freedom to be creative in what I cooked.

    None of the paths had a surefire destination of happiness. As I noticed myself judging everything so harshly and reflected on why I was doing so, I realized that I had convinced myself that the path I chose could lead me to a state of mind that I didn’t already have.

    My paranoia over becoming unhappy in the future had become my way of avoiding my present unhappiness.  

    Once I became aware of this unhappiness, my first reaction was to judge myself. Self-judgment for me was a persistent, angry voice in my head that screamed and berated me for wallowing and being pathetic.

    When I explored why I judge myself, it seemed to stem from a discomfort with who I am as a person. I didn’t like myself.

    This led me to deny and change my every quality in a quest for perfection.

    For instance, I tend to be introverted in nature. I recognized this in myself, called myself (and listened when others called me) words like a loner and a recluse, and alternated between pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone in social situations that I felt inauthentic and fake, and withdrawing deeply within to a place of self-loathing.

    I couldn’t see that being introverted is just a personality trait that is associated both with positives and negatives, and that if I embraced it and stopped trying to twist it, I would feel natural.

    Once I recognized how deeply the negative self-talk went, I was able to start changing. Since it seemed to stem from not knowing who I am, I started by identifying my core traits.  

    The first time I attempted to explore this, I was so confused and uncertain that I couldn’t come up with a single trait. Self-judgment had made me fearful of being anything at all.

    I talked to friends and family who know me well, and sifted through things I had written both recently and further into the past, to remind myself of who I am at my core. I wrote them down, acknowledging both the good and the bad associated with them.

    Every morning, I practiced saying the things that I am to myself. It felt awkward at first, but eventually became natural as I practiced it more and more.

    I also became aware of the messages I directed at myself throughout the day. Many were cruel, full of blame for how I wasn’t “enough.” Especially in the aftermath of a situation that I wished had gone differently, my inner voice yelled and put me down.

    I was unsure of how to change until I thought of how I would speak to someone I love. If I had a friend who was in my position, would I have blamed her for her feelings and screamed until she “surrendered” to happiness? Absolutely not.  

    I started cultivating a new voice in my mind, one that didn’t shout but was gentle and caring the way a good friend is. I feared that I would let myself go entirely and spiral into laziness if I “coddled” myself.

    As I continued to develop this new voice, I began to realize the difference between coddling and being kind. I am still allowed to have expectations for myself, but instead of beating myself down when I don’t meet an expectation, I explore it by listening to my inner kind-but-firm voice.

    With this practice, too, I notice that I judge others less. It seems that practicing self-compassion is allowing me to be truly empathetic toward others, instead of outwardly compassionate while silently judging as I once was.

    Nonetheless, judgments about others still arise in my mind on occasion, but I am better able to notice them, examine where they might be coming from, and then dismiss them.

    Through this practice of being kind to myself, I now see that happiness is available to me right now instead of waiting at the end of some path.

    With this newfound positivity, I choose to continue moving toward realizing my goal of becoming a doctor. After I submitted my applications and found a few moments of stillness while I waited for responses, I reflected and questioned again if I felt right on this path.

    In truth, now that I have a positive state of mind and am experiencing joy much more readily, I could choose any path and be happy. However, I still arrived at the same conclusion: I not only want, but I feel called to become a doctor.

    This time, that answer is enough for me to move forward with confidence because practicing kindness is helping me develop trust in myself.

    I recognize that the road to becoming an MD will present many challenges, many of which cannot be predicted from where I stand now, and that’s okay.  I feel confident in my ability to handle those challenges because now, I can recognize when fear is starting to ensnare me.

    Instead of blaming myself for feeling fear, I have the strongest tools available—love and kindness—to free me from that grip, examine myself and my circumstances, and consciously move forward.

    To anyone who can relate to any aspect of my story, I encourage you to hit “pause” throughout the day. Notice your actions and your feelings. Always allow yourself the opportunity to ask, “Why? Why am I acting or feeling this way?”

    I invite you also to notice the tone in which you address yourself. If you find that the tone in which you ask yourself “why?” carries disgust or judgment, the way I did, do not lose hope. You can cultivate self-compassion and self-kindness.

    In moments where you regress to old habits, of which I have had many, try not to dwell on how you have “failed.” Instead, allow yourself to learn from the setback, remember the progress you have made, and approach your practice of self-compassion with renewed energy.

    Photo by Mustafa Khayat

  • How to Create a Happy Future by Accepting the Present

    How to Create a Happy Future by Accepting the Present

    Happiness

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Imagine if every night you wrote the script for your tomorrow.

    You’d tuck it under your pillow and when you woke up, it would begin unfolding just like you envisioned.

    The man or woman of your dreams would appear in the Whole Foods aisle you were perusing.

    A check for a million dollars would show up in your mailbox, with a note reading “have fun.”

    Your friends and family would call you to tell you how great life was and how awesome they felt.

    Seems pretty sweet.

    But is that what we really want?

    I used to put a lot of effort into becoming a great “manifestor.” I thought I’d be happy if and when I could figure out how to make what I wanted come true.

    This desire was grounded in the belief that reality wasn’t okay as it was. Something had to change in order for me to fully enjoy it.

    I remember crying to a friend because “I sucked at manifesting.” Things weren’t coming true in the way I wanted them to, and they definitely weren’t happening fast enough.

    It seems silly, but I was completely devastated by this.

    I wanted so badly to feel fulfilled in the work that I did, but I only saw one possible way to make that happen—to coach others and own my own coaching business. I refused to do anything else, even though I was struggling financially and didn’t give myself nearly enough time or money to grow a business.

    I also wanted the freedom to travel the world, take my work with me, spend extended time in various places so I could truly experience them, and visit my family whenever I wanted. Again, I only saw that one way to make that happen.

    And it wasn’t working.

    I felt disempowered, hopeless, and stuck.

    The rigid need to make things happen blinded me from the millions of opportunities and beauty all around me. I had missed the whole point of manifesting.

    At the time, Eckhart Tolle was my main man. I was re-reading my favorite book of his, and I’m pretty sure it was in his sweet voice when I finally realized “I’m doing this to myself!”

    So, I took my blinders off and became willing to see other ways. My vision became 360 and I saw possibilities—not just one, but many.

    I can’t say that all of the sudden everything changed for the better, but it did change, and the shaking-up felt good. I was working with, not against, the present moment, and with that came trust and patience.

    Within a year, after a random sequence of perfectly orchestrated events, I received an opportunity to work for a company I adore.

    Surprisingly, I was and am fulfilled by what I do, and guess what? It allows me to travel the world, take my work with me, spend extended time in various places so I could truly experience them, and visit my family whenever I want. Go figure.

    What you truly want can only come to fruition by working with the present moment.

    Life is a wild, adventurous ride, and that is exactly what makes it so beautiful and intense.

    Some days are filled with beauty and joy.

    And others, dreams don’t come true, your car dies, you get rejected, you get a really big, unexpected bill in the mail, or you’re forced to deal with difficult people.

    The thing is, you decide how you want to react when you’re caught right up in the middle of the not so pretty stuff. You always have the choice.

    This is how we create the reality in which we want to live in, moment by moment.

    You may find your reactions defaulting to:

    “Life isn’t fair.”

    “I never get what I want.”

    “Why me?”

    “When am I going to catch a break?”

    These thoughts have an intrinsic rigid resistance to what’s really happening. They are unaccepting of reality.

    By resisting reality, you become disempowered, hopeless, and stuck.

    “What you resist, persists.”

    Have you ever noticed that feeling fat and calling yourself fat never worked as a good strategy for weight loss?

    Or, feeling poor and always saying, “I never have any money!” hasn’t made you rich?

    By resisting, you’re actually creating more of what you don’t want because you’re constantly focused on what you don’t want.

    The only way to create what you do want is full acceptance of what is.

    This is the place where you see possibility instead of limitation. Where you get creative. Where you can see solutions. Where you feel hope and maybe even some peace.

    How do you accept the present moment? You celebrate it. You appreciate it. Even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

    Small acts of appreciation for the present state can cause giant shifts in your life. You become wildly empowered, creative, and resourceful.

    I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s a moment-by-moment practice. It’s a constant decision to take your power back and remember that you create your life and your happiness, always.

    Here are some things to remember when you find yourself fighting the present moment.

    It’s okay to feel it.

    The more you experience your emotions and the sooner you allow yourself to experience them, the sooner you’ll find yourself accepting the present moment.

    Your emotions are there to be felt, seen, and heard. There’s no power in pushing them away, avoiding them, or pretending that they don’t exist, because they will find a way to come out eventually.

    It’s a priority to truly experience your emotions. This is an act of celebration in and of itself.

    As you feel your emotions, you release them.

    Let’s just say during that time above I cried, a lot. My friends might say all the time.

    I’ve never journaled more, cried more, released more, or talked it out more. As I’m writing this, I can see how that was the first time that I allowed all of my emotions to be fully okay.

    I paid attention to them and I let others pay attention to them. This was beyond powerful and ultimately what led me to face reality and move into a place of empowerment.

    Find the silver lining.

    There will always be a positive result of whatever is occurring.

    Even if it feels completely and utterly negative, I promise you, there’s at least one positive result.

    From the most tragic of situations, we can find hope, help others from our experience, and experience compassion.

    Always take a moment to find the silver lining and acknowledge it.

    Saying “thank you” out loud is so powerfully simple.

    Thank you for my humanity. Thank you for this adventure. Thank you for that one positive thing.

    By experiencing your emotions, seeing the positive, and having a sense of gratitude, you can work with anything the present moment brings you.

    By doing this continually, you are actively creating more and more of what you want in every moment.

    Photo by Moyan Brenn

  • Letting Go of Yesterday and Using the Gift of the Present

    Letting Go of Yesterday and Using the Gift of the Present

    Be Present

    “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ~Alice Morse Earle

    Did you make a mistake yesterday? Or did something bad happen to you a few weeks ago? Are you still dwelling on it, doing all you can to move on? Then this post is for you.

    Why? Because I want you to know that you’re not alone.

    Just like you, my past wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. No one in this world has a past that is sparkling clean and error-free. We’ve all made mistakes. That’s life. And that’s what makes us human.

    About eight weeks ago I received an offer to study for my diploma in fitness in Melbourne. Having lived in Sydney for ten years, receiving the offer was a dream come true, but not because I got accepted for the course. It’s because I’ve always wanted to live in Melbourne ever since I was a teenager.

    I accepted the offer thinking it was a great opportunity. I did not consult anyone; I merely did it for myself. I didn’t even have the slightest clue of what the course was about, where I was going to stay, and if it made sense financially.

    This turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

    A day after I accepted the offer, I told my parents. They’ve never tried to talk me out of doing anything I wanted to, but this time Mum was a little hesitant.

    She wondered why it was last minute and stressed how I hadn’t even arranged anything. I, on the other hand, justified my decisions by telling her and everyone else around me that it was a good opportunity, although I knew I probably couldn’t afford the move.

    A week later, with a few hundred dollars in savings and slight credit card debt, I made the trip down to Melbourne with my selfless parents, who decided to help me find an apartment and settle in.

    Things went well. I found a nice place and generally liked Melbourne, but something felt off. As hours turned to days, I felt more and more restless and knew something wasn’t right. My finances backfired on me and soon enough, everything went down.

    After living a few days in denial, I allowed myself to let go of anger about what I’d done and replace it with self-compassion.

    I then did something I should’ve done even before I decided to move—I spoke to my mother and told her I wasn’t in a great financial position and it wasn’t the right decision for me at that point in time.

    A day after, I turned the apartment down, rejected the offer, and drove 540 miles home, with an added financial stress that was completely unnecessary.

    You may have experienced something similar. Perhaps you were as silly as I was to do things without thinking. Or perhaps things were worse for you. We make mistakes. Everyone does, and I want you to know that it is okay.

    The clock ticks forward, and soon enough the mistake that you made a second ago is history. It might take days, months, or years to learn and address the consequences of the mistake, but every day forward is an opportunity to make things right.

    Worrying about it does not get you anywhere. Thinking about how to learn from the experience and make things better is a good start. But actually doing things to learn from the mistake is the fundamental part of really moving forward.

    If you’re having a hard time letting go of yesterday and seizing today, remember:

    Yesterday is History

    Yesterday is history.

    It’s done. Record it into your history book and close it.

    Yesterday could have been the best day of your life.

    Your long-term partner proposed, or you landed a raise at work. Maybe you met someone who you feel is good for you. Remember it fondly but don’t live in the past. Instead, let your happy memories push you forward when times get tough.

    Yesterday could have been the worst day of your life.

    You might’ve lost your savings or someone you held close to your heart. Although it might take some time to move on from any tragedies you faced yesterday, every day forward will get better.

    Yesterday you made decisions; they may now seem good, they may seem bad.

    But that was yesterday. If you stay positive, you can choose to make the best of your decision today.

    Yesterday cannot be changed.

    It is indeed too late to change the things you did in the past, but it’s not too late to change the things you’re planning to do today. Learn from your mistakes and act on what you’ve learned.

    Tomorrow is a Mystery

    Tomorrow is a mystery.

    It hasn’t happened yet, so don’t sweat the small things. Be kind to yourself; it has the power to make you happy.

    Tomorrow depends on the choices you make today.

    Dream and start doing things to work toward that dream right now. 

    Tomorrow is not certain.

    Life can make a 180-degree change in less than a day, and we cannot control them. We can make plans, but plans change. Anticipate and remember that.

    Tomorrow is an opportunity.

    If you did something great today, you have the opportunity tomorrow to create something better. If you did something that seems bad, you have the opportunity tomorrow to make it good. It’s your choice.

    Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

    So don’t waste today worrying about what will happen then. Life’s too short to dwell on things that are uncertain.

    Today is a Gift

    Today is a certain opportunity.

    You can use it to decide where you want to go in life. If you don’t love what you’re doing, use this opportunity to change something.

    Today can be the first day of the rest of your life.

    Create new habits, surprise yourself, and put a smile on your own face by doing things you love.

    Today you can be better than you were yesterday.

    And you know you can be better than you were yesterday.

    Today you have the power to make great choices for your health, body and mind.

    You are strong enough today to say no to that can of soda. You are strong enough today to remove yourself from negative people. You are strong enough, period.

    Today is your only chance to experience this present moment.

    It will never come again

    Don’t beat yourself up for what has happened in the past. We’ve all made mistakes; failure is imperative to leading a successful life. Learn from yesterday by doing things today that have the power to make tomorrow great. I know you can.

    What are you doing today to make full use of the gift given to you?

    Photo by Eddi van W

  • How Self-Acceptance Enables Us to Connect with Others and the Moment

    How Self-Acceptance Enables Us to Connect with Others and the Moment

    Be

    “By accepting yourself and being fully what you are, your presence can make others happy.” ~Jane Roberts

    I recently received one of the nicest compliments from a co-worker.

    As nice as it was to hear someone validate all of the hard work I do and recognize my passionate desire to use music as a way empower people, I found that the compliment was just one, all-too-brief moment in a day dominated by schedules, meetings, and not nearly enough time for me to enjoy what was happening around me.

    I should have felt great, but I was so distracted by my work that I did not have access to feeling good.

    As soon as I went to my next appointment, I immediately focused on what that person was thinking of me. Did this co-worker think I was any good at the project? Did I have enough time to finish everything I promised to do that day?

    As the afternoon went on, I noticed that I was not present to the people around me, and things that I would normally take in stride were really starting to annoy me.

    By the end of the day, I found myself focusing on the negative in a way that that did not coincide with the same person who my co-worker had complimented.

    A short five hours later, I had almost totally forgotten the compliment had ever happened.

    Then the guilt set in. How could I be the person that the co-worker had complimented when, by the end of the day, I was negative, grouchy, and not feeling deserving of any praise at all?

    The negativity was so bad that I found myself thinking, “If he knew the real me, he would probably take back the compliment.”

    I was leaving a voicemail for a dear friend, relating the accounts of my day, when the following words came out of my mouth: “Why is it that I am so quick to dwell on the things that are not going the way that I would want, and I miss the magic all around me every day?”

    Reaching out to a trusted friend instantly gave me perspective. It also brought me the clarity to see that I was letting my own expectations of myself blind me to all of the good happening right there and then.

    It is only when I recognize that the good around me that I feel confident enough to risk just living from my deepest truth.

    What is the point of living the life of your dreams without also having the awareness that it is happening?

    My life is amazing. I am surrounded by wonderfully supportive people. I always have everything I need, even if it does not come to me in the way or time that I expect. I know this is true, so why wasn’t I able to see that?

    Somewhere along the way I started to believe that I needed to pretend to be perfect or have all of the answers to have people accept me. I forgot that it is when I am my imperfect self, who has more questions than answers, that I am able connect with others.

    The real me is more than enough. Any time I believe anything different and stop giving of myself, I do a disservice to the people around me and myself.

    After having this realization, I slept a deep and peaceful sleep and woke up renewed.

    I made a conscious decision to focus on being my authentic self, being grateful for all of the good around me, and ignoring anything that did not match up with that belief.

    Through this experience, I learned:

    1. Accepting yourself allows you to be present to your self.

    That next day was just as busy as the previous, in fact, even more so. Armed with my new outlook, I felt more comfortable risking being who I really am, and the results were amazing.

    As soon as something came up that had the potential to knock me out of myself, I checked in with myself and asked, “What does my authentic, deepest self think is the next right thing in this situation?”

    I then shared that best part of myself with the people around me and found to my shock, not only did they accept what my truth offered in the situation, but also they were grateful that I was being myself.

    When you stop pretending to be something you’re not, you give yourself space to simply be—and like me, you may find that others accept and appreciate you for who you really are.

    2. When you are present to yourself, you can be present to others.

    I was enough. Not only that, when I stopped pretending to have all the answers, stopped trying to be perfect, when I was able to stop being so attached to what everyone was expecting of me, I was free to enjoy everything that was happening around me.

    Being connected with myself allowed me to be more present to the people in my life. I work with large groups of people on a regular basis; being present to large groups people is an integral part of what I do.

    Sometimes when you share a part of yourself that you think isn’t your best, it can be that very thing that makes you most compelling to others. Someone else may see your perceived brokenness as a gift.

    3. When you can be present to others by being yourself, it allows the ordinary to become extraordinary.

    The group I worked with later that day commented that something was different about our performance. One person related that everyone was smiling from the inside out. Colors seemed more vibrant, smells seemed more aromatic, and sounds were more melodious.

    When you are able to be present to yourself, you can be present to others, and this allows you to connect to something more than you ever could be on your own.

    When I get caught up in my day, I start to lose touch with myself and soon after start to lose touch with others, as well.

    When I give myself permission to be less than perfect, it allows me to see that everything is just the way it needs to be, including me.

    Photo by s.h.u.t.t.e.r.b.u.g.

  • 8 Things I Learned from a Phone-Free Month

    8 Things I Learned from a Phone-Free Month

    “Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.” ~Jose Ortega y Gasset

    I used to live in San Francisco, a city celebrated for its carnivals, free music festivals, thriving bar culture, Mexican food markets, beautiful parks, fantastic literary events, thrift stores, and… (Can you tell I miss it?]

    The effect of having all this culture available is that quite often, we spend more time around the doing of an event than the doing itself. I’ll elaborate.

    I would spend x amount of time on my phone searching for cool events to go to. Then I would be on Facebook, advertising this future event and inviting friends.

    The day of the event I would spend time calling and texting people to establish a meeting place, before following the little blue dot to find that place. Then, during the actual event, I would spend x or even xxxx amount of time trying to find signal to call a lost friend or—in the more likely case—relocate my lost self and find the group.

    When not trying to find signal and/or friends, I would be sending texts telling people who couldn’t make it what they were missing out on.

    Or I’d be holding my phone in the air taking x amount of pictures of where I was and publishing the photos on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat/all the above (checking my phone every x minutes thereafter to get an update on like-count) trying to show the world how much fun I was having (read: forgetting to have).

    Does any of this sound familiar? The x amount of time spent on my phone combines to way more x’s than the time spent enjoying x event itself. See, I can’t even remember what the event was.

    I remember Nokia’s first advertising campaign: “Connecting People.” Now this slogan would more correctly read: “Connecting Phones,” because I observe that the people behind the phones are actually hugely disconnected from valuable forms of interaction, myself included.

    We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity, and I found it way more distressing because I couldn’t call my mum and tell her about it.

    I lost my phone in the fatal sense; it fell to its death and I was phoneless for a month. This month was somewhat transformative for me. I mean, I know that a phone isn’t technically a limb, but at first it felt very hard to walk anywhere if I wasn’t 100% sure that I was going in the right direction.

    My phone used to guide me. It was brave to go somewhere to meet a friend, not sure if they’d had to cancel without being able to let me know. My phone used to confirm things. Another hard thing was the not knowing what my friends had eaten for dinner the previous night. Instagram used to show me.

    How are people going to invite me to things?! Denial, anger, frustration, loneliness… I’M FALLING OFF THE RADAR! People will forget me! Desperately clicking my heels “There’s no place like phone, there’s no place like phone” … *Spiral into delirious black out.

    It’s hard to believe that a month later I had become pretty nonchalant about even getting my phone fixed. I could now afford to, but I had discovered a charm and liberation to my life without a phone that I was now scared to lose.

    Here are some ways I found myself when I lost my phone:

    1. I would give myself time to get lost, and enjoyed taking notice of my perhaps wayward route.

    I would find things on the way that I’d never seen before—great street art and food joints. If really lost, I would ask locals for directions, and in so doing met interesting characters and appreciated their willingness to help me. I enjoyed not being self-reliant.

    2. My friends were always there to meet me at the time we’d planned in advance.

    When is the last time you made plans with a friend a week or two in advance—Lunch at Rosso on the 12th, 2:00—and not called to confirm before hand? It’s a test in your trust that friends won’t let you down, nor you them. It’s fun to have something to look forward to and to simply… show up.

    3. I didn’t update Instagram nor Facebook for a month.

    I lost the urge to show people a #nofilter photograph of my burrito or let Facebook know which Disney Princess I am according to Buzzfeed. I started reading more, enjoying my own company. When I had moments to spare, I would reflect on my day rather than take out my phone and read about everybody else’s.

    4. I started being present at events in the true sense of the word.

    If you spend all your time on social media telling people where you are, it probably means you weren’t present at all. I mean, take a cool picture, by all means; start a photography blog. But a photograph should be a memory of an experience, not the experience itself. Don’t check out when you check-in.

    5. I became more spontaneous.

    There is something organic about running into friends unexpectedly, when the stars align to connect you with someone even when you couldn’t call to make plans. I could be more spontaneous without a phone, or perhaps it just felt that way because as it was harder to plan things. I started to accept and embrace all the twists and turns of my day.

    6. I became unreachable at times.

    It feels great to be unreachable in a world where we are expected to be so available. We are at the beck and call of a beep or a buzz, and apologize if we respond to a text twenty minutes later because we were in the shower.

    I realized that my time is my own and stopped feeling that I owed people my attention 24/7. When you disconnect from the outside world, you connect with yourself.

    7. I became acutely aware when my company was dividing his/her attention between their phone and me, and I hated it.

    That’s probably how I used to interact before I learned how it feels to speak to the top of someone’s head. I enjoyed the dose of self-awareness, and I like to think I’ve become better company for it.

    8. I realized I wasn’t really staying in touch.

    What I’d been doing to “stay in touch” with friends were things such as liking their Instagram photo, commenting on their Facebook status, vaguely committing to an event they were hosting with no real intention to go, texting sporadic and disinterested-sounding questions like “How’s life?” etc.

    Without a phone, I realized how lazy my most valued friendships had become, namely, because I didn’t suddenly feel disconnected from those people; rather, I realized I hadn’t been connected in the first place.

    I’m not suggesting that you should smash your phone on the ground after reading this; I eventually had my phone fixed, and in these times there are obvious safety and organizational benefits to having one.

    What drives my thought process is this: Phones are merely tools, and we are at risk of trying to extend their function beyond their limitations. Phones are a poor substitute for real interaction, presence, experience and connecting.

    Life doesn’t happen on a tiny screen. Take a leap and leave your phone at home once in a while. Say brb and give your immediate world your undivided attention, because that’s where the good stuff is, and you’re missing it.

  • 3 Things You Can Do To Feel Happier, Right Now

    3 Things You Can Do To Feel Happier, Right Now

    Happy Guy

    “The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

    In The Four Noble Truths, the Dalai Lama wrote, “It is a fact—a natural fact of life—that each one of us has an innate desire to seek happiness and to overcome suffering.”

    Regardless of religion or creed or upbringing, I think we can all agree on this most universal of statements. Underneath whatever personalities we project and whatever lives we lead lies a foundational truth that applies to all of us: We want to be happy; we don’t want to suffer.

    So what can we do now, today, to feel happier? Before I describe specific practices, let me explain how I view change and self-improvement. As the old saying goes, there are two sides to a coin, and this positive-negative duality applies just as much here.

    For example, “we want to be happy” is the positive side of the statement above, or what to do, and “we don’t want to suffer” is the negative, or what not to do.

    Any challenge, whether it’s becoming a happier you or dropping a bad habit, gets much easier and gives more lasting results if you focus on the positive aspect of the situation (what you should do) as opposed to the negative (what you shouldn’t do).

    Focusing on the positive creates a set of habits that ultimately lead to a better lifestyle, built by you and around your goals.

    The negative path enforces rules and boundaries that ultimately lead to internal mental resistance and a diminished self-esteem. This realization made all the difference in my pursuit of happiness.

    What You Can Do Today

    Before this insight, I would spend my days trying to figure out what situations to avoid, what habits to control, where to go or whom to see for happiness. After the shift in my thinking, I began asking myself what I should do specifically to live a happier life.

    Much trial and error, many years, and many books later, I uncovered three main conditions under which a person feels truly happy: appreciation of the present moment, hope of future achievement, and service to others.

    These conditions are quite different and imply, in my opinion, different forms of happiness. Some individuals will naturally gravitate toward one or two out of three, or even just one. That’s normal.

    If you can handle all three, go for it. If not, don’t worry. Alone or combined, they all make for a dramatic improvement in quality of life and awaken a happier you.

    1. Appreciation of the present moment

    At its highest level, this means to become intensely focused on the present and, in some cases, to suspend time entirely. If you can do this, great. But not all of us are masters at entering the now. For most of us, leading a lifestyle of gratitude is the best and most practical way to cultivate appreciation for the present moment.

    A fail-proof technique I found was to reflect at the end of each day and express written gratitude for one to three things, events, or whatever I felt grateful for.

    Doing this daily brings about a shift in mentality from “what’s lacking in my life?” to “what is here before me now?” until being grateful eventually becomes second nature. If on certain days you truly can’t find anything worth being grateful for, don’t force yourself.

    That said, there is no shortage of things for which we can be grateful. At the very least you can breathe, and you likely have somewhere to sleep, can see and read this article, and have food to sustain you. Those are all things to be grateful for. Imagine life without them.

    2. Hope of future achievement

    The second condition, hope for future achievement, implies a different, more worldly sort of happiness. This does not always mean monetary gain, although that is usually a product of achievements such as business expansion, securing a job, or earning a promotion. This type of success, within reason, is normal. Our biological need to survive compels us to pursue it.

    But achievement comes in many other forms. It can mean physical feats such as finishing a triathlon, or a personal journey of self-enlightenment, or even little things like becoming more organized and driven.

    All of these endeavors give us end goals to surpass and offer us the promise of due reward should we succeed. This promise is what instills us with a sense of happiness. That’s why dreamers and optimists are often happier than realists. They believe in the promise of a better future.

    I found that daily visualization is a great way to nurture hope for future achievement. Think about a goal you genuinely want to achieve and put it in writing. Then twice daily, visualize yourself experiencing the success associated with whatever achievement you’re focused on. You don’t have to know how you will arrive at the end destination. Just imagine the end destination.

    For me, that means visualizing the day I open my own holistic self-development studio, or the day I sign the contract for publication of my first novel.

    For a detailed look at how and why this technique works, I suggest reading Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. But in short, visualization communicates your inner desire to your subconscious mind. Over time, you become what you consistently imagine yourself to be, and you achieve what you consistently imagine yourself achieving.

    3. Service to others

    The third condition, service to others, is what helped me the most. I always knew myself to be a talented and capable person. But time and experience showed me that talent and capacity alone aren’t enough for a happy life.

    I felt like my connection with others lacked strength and authenticity, almost as though I lived at an arm’s length from society. This, I believe, held me back more than anything.

    Service to others changed all of that. Make a conscious attempt each day, as I did, to do one kind thing for someone without telling anyone about it, ever. I highly recommend trying this for at least twenty-one days. It changes your perspective on the profound interconnectedness of all beings and all things.

    It teaches you first and foremost to give without expecting anything in return, to do for the sake of doing and not for the recognition.

    Not telling others about your acts of kindness also builds discipline and becomes a secret between you and yourself, something to be proud of. Third, it teaches you that bringing happiness to others does more for your own happiness than any worldly escape or distraction.

    Start Now

    Do not wait for happiness. Start now. It is within your grasp and you deserve it. It doesn’t have to be elusive. Look for it in the simpler things in life. Express gratitude for something. Visualize success and a better you. Render an act of kindness and keep it to yourself. Implement these practices in your life to feel happier, right now.

    Photo by David Robert Bilwas

  • Go Do: Let Go of the Past and Future and Live in the Present

    Go Do: Let Go of the Past and Future and Live in the Present

    “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” ~Einstein

    “Go do, you’ll learn to just let yourself fall into landslide. Go do, you’ll learn to just let yourself give into low tide. Go do!”~Jonsi

    I recently heard from a friend whom I had not heard from in over two years. He sent me an email just to check in and see how I was doing, congratulate me on my recent marriage, which he had heard about, and let me know that he had faced some hardship over the past couple of years.

    He had been, simply put, stuck. To my surprise, he also mentioned that some words I had sent him in an email, many moons ago, had stayed with him and encouraged him over the years.

    What were those words? “Don’t even talk about dreams. Think of it as actually the moment, the doing.”

    At the time, my friend was facing a very common fear: what to do with his life. He had dreams like we all do. He had goals he wanted to accomplish.

    This is something we all face at some point in our adulthood and with my friend, that fear of what’s to come, what may be, was holding him back from simply doing anything. In that way, he found himself feeling so stagnant that depression was taking hold.

    Funny, I had not remembered ever saying that. Nor did I recall our correspondence, but upon reading the words, I thought, Wow, I still say that to myself now! Keep doing… cause it’s all about the journey.

    These are all things we’ve heard before. I had said nothing new.

    The thing is, we all have dreams and goals. But when we get caught up in the small things around us, we forget the big things. At the same time, when there are so many big things to potentially bog us down, we forget to enjoy the small things in life.

    So how do we find the balance and keep moving? How do we have big dreams, and still obtain them? How do we experience the day to day? How do we go do?

    In my early twenties I was briefly married to a man who was one person before marriage and another person after. During our marriage he was extremely abusive, dangerous, and to be frank, downright selfish and mean.

    During that time, despite everything else going on in my life—the day-to-day stresses, hopes, demands, and needs—I was still in fear for my very own life, whether it was at stake in reality or not.

    At the time, I didn’t realize this fear.

    I spent three dreadful years married to this person and trying to do anything and everything I could to avoid being exactly where I was.

    I would come up with excuses to be out of the house or out of town. I was telling myself I would leave or that I could change my husband, and in the worst way, I was not allowing myself to emotionally recognize the true danger of the situation I was in.

    Why? Because I was terrified. Terrified my marriage would fall apart, terrified to tell my friends or family, terrified I would be looked at as the ‘poor victimized wife,’ and even more so, terrified to confront my husband for fear of what he might do.

    Had I known then how important living in the present was, I likely would not have stuck around in that marriage for so long.

    When we are in crisis situations, even stressful situations at work or school or at home, our bodies tell us to fight or fly. Mine did both while I was being abused. But more importantly, and on a conscious level, I was denying myself the one thing I needed most—to see where I was and accept it.

    I would not allow myself to see the danger and weight of the situation I was in. I feared the abuse and would not allow myself to face it because of my fear.

    Now, let’s take this example and move it into something perhaps a bit more relatable.

    Consider the stresses of a demanding job. Consider monetary problems—too many bills and too little cash. Consider a fight with a loved one or confusion on where to go in life or what to choose for your career.

    In any stressful situation, of the many and hundreds of situations that abound our lives, there is truly only one answer that I’m aware of that applies to all these open ended questions. That is: go and do.

    When times are tough it is easy to get caught up in the toughness and remain there.

    Whether that means you stick to your guns in an argument or ponder your dreams rather than take action, either way you’re stuck. You’re stagnant. But, if you remind yourself to go and do, then you move.

    I won’t say forward because I don’t know if we are ever moving forward; perhaps we are just swarming around in an eternal grain of sand. Perhaps life is just a string of present moments, neither past nor future. In any case, the movement, the doing, is the living.

    Had I allowed myself to be in the dangerous moments of my marriage, mentally accepted that my life was in a situation of abuse, and at stake lay my happiness, my well-being, my peace of mind, I would have not stayed stagnant in that marriage for so long. I would have made a change. I would have gone.

    Had my friend not spent so many years questioning what he should be doing, he would have just done.

    The key is to recognize every moment and keep moving.

    It is an oxymoron to be in the moment and always moving from the moment, but such is life and it is a truth that cannot be denied if we are in search of peace.

    The world is ever moving. Ever changing.

    Living in the moment means doing or feeling or seeing or recognizing what’s right in front of you. The important thing is to let yourself experience everything—the good and the bad—and once you experience it, then you let it pass.

    We get caught up in our pasts because we did not allow ourselves to live those pasts when they were present.

    Take my example. After finally extraditing myself from an abusive environment, I lived with PTSD for the following six years, reliving over and over everything that had happened to me once before.

    Take my friend; had he been doing and changing and living rather than pondering what’s to come, he would have done what he is finally doing now.

    Now he is just, simply put, exploring life. He is not setting ultimatums saying, “I must be here and have xyz by this point.” Rather, he is in the moment and recently took some time for himself, volunteering at a Buddhist retreat in California.

    Instead of worrying so much about where he would be, he is taking time to be now, living and relishing in his current situation.

    You have to live in the moment so that it can pass. You have to face your fears, so they too can pass. And since it must pass, we must feel its presence, good or bad, while it actually is present, for it too will haunt us, for better or for worse.

    Whether you are fighting abuse, fearing your future, worried about school or a test or a meeting at work, stressed about money, losing sleep over love, no matter what is on your mind at any given moment, the point is to be aware of what you’re feeling, what’s around you, and in all cases, to continue to go do.

    We so often get caught up in the stress, the worry, and in some cases, so caught up in avoiding the danger or real fear in front of us, that we forget to just live. So try to balance and stay on your bike. Remember to live each moment, let it pass, but keep moving and enjoy the next. As Jonsi said, just “go do.”

  • The “If, Then” Trap: How It Keeps You Unhappy and How to Avoid It

    The “If, Then” Trap: How It Keeps You Unhappy and How to Avoid It

    “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu

    Being an empty nester (the kids have grown up and left home), I noticed recently that I have fallen in love with little kids again.

    After going through all the kid stages, and surviving them (most notably the teenage years), I took a long kid moratorium. Skiing, mountain biking, traveling, gardening, and reading—all filled to the brim with a commodity I had forgotten about: time just for me.

    Now, unexpectedly, they’re back! Exhausting, enchanting, and a source of endless inspiration.

    A few doors down to the west I have new neighbors—Parker, her brother, and her parents. Parker hollers my name when I drive by, waves vigorously trying to escape her car seat when her Mom drives by, and marches into my yard like she owns the place.

    Full of “What’s that?” and “Why are you doing this?” questions. Needs to show me—no, demands to show me—whatever she has in her hand. Where she got it, what it does, and why it’s so important!

    I’ll have to admit I was a little annoyed at this mini-interloper at first. But it didn’t take long before I was helplessly enchanted by whatever kid-spell she was weaving.

    Parker is full out in the moment, fun, and crackling with excitement. What I quickly noticed, staring back at me, was how I was not (fun and in the moment).

    Even though I subscribe to the practice of being present, it’s often more of an ideal than a practice. Every day there is the “to-do list.” What I need to get done, to keep everything moving, and (in my mind) to keep everything from falling apart.

    I plan, scheme and, okay, I worry about whatever is coming up next. Finally, when it’s all over and done with, there is a big sigh of relief. Now I can go on to the next thing. Yet, once I’m on to the next thing the cycle starts all over again!

    I’ve recognized that this daily trap can keep me from being truly happy and experiencing the fullness of being in the present moment. It’s what I call the “If, Then Trap.” It’s really a happiness trap.

    The  “If, Then Trap” goes something like this 

    If I can just get this finished, then I can relax…

    If I were home more, then the kids would be happier….

    If I had more money, then we would be happier…

    If I exercised more, then I would be happier with myself…

    If my son would only apply himself in school, then I’d feel okay…

    What’s interesting about the “If, Then Trap” is that it is just a story. It’s a story about what we have decided things mean.

    When I practice yoga, mediate, or just hike in the mountains, and quietly align with the present moment, what I notice is that there are no problems. Everything is perfectly okay! What’s extraordinary about this is that nothing has changed.

    So why is there a deep sense of contentment during these life-stands-still moments when the external circumstances that keep us caught up in drama remain the same?

    Here’s what I think: the mind chatter, the stories we tell ourselves, and what we decide everything means ignites emotions that are perfectly aligned with the story we have been telling ourselves.

    It’s a viscous cycle: interpretation, and an emotional response that feeds right back into the story, the story grows and the resulting emotions make us unhappy.

    Clearly, in the present moment, happiness just happens. Unhappiness is manufactured. Chuang Tzu was right:  Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.

    As I finished writing this Parker appeared in my driveway.

    “What are you doing???” she hollered.

    “Writing about happiness,” I said.

    “Why? Happiness is easy!” she yelled, peddling out of sight.