Tiny Buddha

Tag: Peace

  • Let Go of Your Unhelpful Story: Accept, Surrender, and Move On

    Let Go of Your Unhelpful Story: Accept, Surrender, and Move On

    Man in Lotus Position

    “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I recently discovered just how powerful our thoughts can be. I learned that it doesn’t take time for us to accept our current situation; it simply takes a shift in our perceptions and a change in the stories we tell ourselves.

    The catalyst for this realization was sent to me, in a small envelope placed under the windscreen wipers of my car. Yes, it came in the form of a parking ticket.

    At first I was shocked and quite disappointed in myself for getting a parking ticket.

    As I drove home, I found myself building a story in my head: It’s so unfair. I didn’t realize it was rear-to-curb parking only. Other people were parked the same way and they didn’t have tickets. Why me?

    I saw the parking ticket as an attack against me personally, as an indicator that I wasn’t good enough. I was beating myself up and couldn’t understand why I had been fined.

    But then I stopped. I dug a little deeper and tried to unravel why I was feeling so upset. I realized I was making something insignificant into a really big deal.

    I was building a story that did not serve me at all. I was too attached to the current situation.

    The parking attendant didn’t know me personally; he was just doing his job. There was no one else that I could blame for the ticket; I had parked incorrectly and it was only fair that I received a ticket for doing so.

    Once I realized this, I was able to take a step back, and I thought to myself, You know what? It doesn’t matter what story I create. I’m still going to have to pay this fine. I may as well accept it and move on.

    There was no need for me to be so upset, and the only way to move past how unhappy I felt was to change my thoughts.

    In the last few years, as I’ve delved into self-study and spiritual enquiry, I’ve read a lot about the power of non-attachment and our ability to create our reality through our thoughts.

    Hundreds of articles, books, presentations, and videos all encouraged me to become aware of my thoughts, and to watch whether the stories in my mind serve me or take me further away from where I want to be.

    But I had never really put it into practice. At least not until the day I received my first parking ticket.

    As I drove home, I paid very little attention to the road in front of me because I was so caught up in my story about how unfair the whole situation was. Then suddenly a switch flicked inside my mind.

    It was probably the first time that I have truly been aware of my thoughts. I felt like an observer, watching my mind race and witnessing the birth of a new story.

    This sense of awareness made me realize how frequently I create stories in my head and how often I take something insignificant and turn it into something huge. I’ve learned how frequently I create drama and complications in my life.

    It’s certainly true that we can’t always control the situations we find ourselves in and we definitely can’t always control what happens to us. But it’s also true that we can control how we react. 

    When I realized just how petty my reaction was, I was able to shift my train of thought completely.

    I learned that we don’t have to waste twenty minutes or a whole day (or longer) creating stories that get us nowhere. We don’t have to turn a minor annoyance into a huge drama.

    Things can be so much simpler. We can accept what happens, even if we don’t like it.

    We can just watch as something happens, without making it into a personal problem that needs to be solved.

    We can be humbled by our errors rather than trying to shift the blame and pass off any consequences.

    We can accept, surrender, and move on. We don’t have to attach our happiness or sense of self to everything that happens in our lives. 

    The next time (and I know there will be a next time) something I don’t like happens, I will do my best to not take it personally.

    I will bring awareness to my thoughts and I will stop myself from creating a useless and unhelpful story. I will accept the situation, as it is, and I will try to keep my reaction cool, calm, and collected.

    I will react in a way that doesn’t cause undue stress or unhappiness.

    You too have the power to control how you react to the situations that unfold around you. You can bring awareness to your thoughts and to the stories your mind creates. And you can uncover a new sense of awareness and non-attachment without first needing to pay a fine.

    Man in lotus position image via Shutterstock

  • Dealing with Anger Storms Without Causing Destruction

    Dealing with Anger Storms Without Causing Destruction

    Angry Thundercloud

    “Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    There is an elderly lady—I’ll call her Ms. A—living in my mum’s village. She regularly shouts at people as they pass by her house walking their dogs.

    She can be quite intimidating really. She even followed my mother up the road on one occasion, much to Mum’s alarm. My mum, unlike me, now avoids walking past her house, even though it’s a good route for her to take when walking her dog.

    Ms. A has also shouted at me and called me names on a number of occasions. The thing is, I know Ms. A has mental health issues, and I have remarked to my mum how much she must be suffering, poor lady, and needs our understanding rather than our condemnation.

    But on this particular day, all my good thoughts and intentions went right out the window.

    I’m embarrassed to say that when she came over to shout at me, instead of walking by like I usually do, I went right up to her and shouted angrily back.

    I became the intimidator then, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that she really must leave my mum alone and also stop shouting at me and calling me rude names when I walk by on the public road. I said I would report her for harassment if she didn’t stop.

    She shouted back at me, of course. She also looked rather alarmed.

    After I finished my rant, I resumed my walk, shaking. I felt absolutely rotten—guilty, ashamed, sad, and embarrassed. I was horrified at my reaction.

    It was an uncomfortable walk home to my mum’s that day. I knew I hadn’t helped the situation at all. So much for my understanding and compassion!

    So what went wrong? When I looked within, I realized I’d approached the house thinking a number of unhelpful thoughts due to my desire to protect my mum and my perception of being wronged. Some of my thoughts included:

    How dare this woman intimidate my mum?! I really should put her in her place and stop her from doing it again. And how dare she say those rude things to me?!

    It’s a public road; I’m doing nothing wrong by walking here. She’s the one in the wrong, not me, so I have the moral high ground! Yes, I’ll sort this situation out once and for all—I’ll tell her!

    All these stormy thoughts were racing around my head as I neared her house. Looking back, I also realize how much I always dreaded walking by there. I didn’t like getting shouted at, but I didn’t want to change my route either, as that seemed unfair.

    All this was a heady mix of thoughts and emotions, and more than enough to initiate a storm.

    By the time I reached her house, where she was standing, seemingly waiting for me, the storm hit, and I was lost to it.

    It certainly wasn’t my finest hour, but I learned a lot about myself in the subsequent analysis of the whole sorry incident.

    I realized that my reaction had come from a place of darkness, a place where my own distress lurked, and that shining a light on it would help to illuminate a much better way to respond in the future.

    I also realized that it had been a premeditated outburst, in the sense that my thoughts had helped whip it up. I saw too that I had gotten it all wrong: my thinking and perceptions were faulty. Ms. A was limited in her ability to control herself, due to her mental illness, and she really wasn’t a threat to either my mum or to me.

    I could also see and understand why this storm had arisen and what was at the root of it. This led to me feel more compassion for myself, which in turn helped me to face, and also own up to, my angry outburst.

    I once wrote about a tree I had walked by in the forest. It was crowded by other trees, and it had curved its way around them to reach up to the available sky. I realized that this curved tree hadn’t gotten caught up in how unfair the situation was; it had just gotten on with things and found the light it needed.

    This nature lesson advises us to ‘curve around’ more when a situation calls for it.

    By this I mean refusing to get caught up in a “that’s not fair!” mentality or get worked up over things that are of little consequence in the big scheme of things. This isn’t a helpful way to live our lives: it causes a lot of unnecessary stress.

    I’m not saying that we should just roll over or back down all the time; rather that it would be much better for us to not rush into situations without thinking things through carefully and dispassionately beforehand. I’m all for being (calmly) assertive when it’s required.

    It’s about looking at the bigger picture and taking a more balanced and less inflexible approach to life.

    Thinking about Mother Nature and anger storms, another lesson occurs to me: nature doesn’t take revenge.

    Even though we can sometimes think that nature must be angry with us and is hitting back at us with devastating storms, floods, and hurricanes, in reality it is just in the process of bringing balance back to the planet.

    Please note, I am not denying the immense human and animal suffering such events cause. My point is that nature bears no dark ulterior motive—it isn’t taking its revenge on us.

    Nature doesn’t think to itself that we need bringing down a peg or two; that we are getting out of hand and need to be punished. It isn’t reacting from a place of aggression. It just does what it needs to do to survive the best way it can. These storms are not sent as a personal attack on us.

    And that’s the problem with our own angry reactions; they often come about because we take things so personally.

    We can feel that we are personally under attack in some way and then go on the attack ourselves. Tit for tat. Not a good idea, as things escalate—they always do!

    If we can learn to step back and realize that someone’s anger has everything to do with their own suffering, rather than with us, we may be able to take things less personally and not feel the need for revenge.

    We may (or may not) need to take some action, but if we do, we can do it from a place of non-aggression, like Mother Nature. We can also do it from a place of clarity and calm. For this, we need to stop, focus on our breath, and let the storm clouds pass.

    I learned a lot about myself that day, stuff I didn’t really want to own up to. But I did, and I’m grateful for the lessons.

    Next time I will be more mindful of my thoughts and not let them whip up an unnecessary storm. And if storm clouds start to rise up, I’ll focus on my breath and walk on by. I’ll look at what’s happening inside me and remember, too, to take on board the other person’s distress.

    I’ll also take a leaf out of nature’s book on responding to stressful situations: I’ll curve around when I think it’s the best approach and try not take things so personally.

    Angry thundercloud image via Shutterstock

  • Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

    One of the things I love about the Native American spiritual path is the focus on appreciating the simple things in life.

    Simple things are often hard to relate to in today’s world of overwhelm.

    Eric Schmidt, executive chairman of Google, says we human beings currently create as much information in two days as we did from the dawn of civilization up through 2003!

    And yet our bodies were, and still are, designed to be in tune with the sun, the moon, the seasons, and the cycles of nature. That simplicity is what our souls long for.

    So our adaption to the “modern age” has been fraught with peril to our peace of mind and our health.

    Our ancestors greeted the sun each morning, enjoyed simple home-cooked meals, played with their children and grandchildren, and delighted in a beautiful sunset, with no television to lure them inside on a beautiful summer evening.

    I am as tempted as the next person to watch a good TV show, but I have found that the evenings when I putter in the kitchen, making a healthy meal while listening to relaxing music, are much more fulfilling.

    Finding Meaning in the Little Things

    I designed my house around being able to have African violets in the kitchen window.

    I did it because my grandmother had them in her kitchen window. That meant the kitchen window had to be in the south, because that gave them the best light.

    So my entire house was designed around having a south-facing kitchen window for African violets.

    Every time I stand at the kitchen sink and see them, I think of my grandmother. And it becomes a simple, heartfelt connection to the past.

    Native Americans sought a simple, earth-based lifestyle also. No one who truly understood the responsibility involved ever sought to be a “medicine man.” They longed to be a simple human being, living a simple life.

    My first Native American teacher, Sun Bear, said, “I’m not interested in any philosophy unless it can help me grow corn.” Meaning, knowledge that makes our lives better is what’s most valuable.

    It’s fine to spend time philosophizing about lofty ideals, but how does that help you if you’re unable to enjoy a cup of tea, or a sunset, or delight in watching a child take her first steps?

    Living a peaceful, fulfilling life is sacred.

    Is There More to Life Than This?

    I remember an episode of the sitcom Seinfeld in which Jerry Seinfeld was, for once in his life, thoughtful and sensitive. In reviewing his shallow life, he asked, “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

    His neighbor Kramer replied, “I know the answer to that: There isn’t!”

    What if there isn’t more to life than simplicity, appreciating every day, helping others, and being kind when we can? I think that’s not so bad!

    I have two friends who recently retired and told me they asked themselves, “What should we do now with our time?”

    And they decided they just want to help people. They’re very handy and told me that whenever I need something fixed around the house, to just call them and they’ll come fix it at no charge. They do it just for the pure joy of it.

    It helps me enormously and gives them the fulfilling feeling of having helped someone. What a simple retirement solution.

    And I get the joy of inviting them over to dinner as a thank you.

    Spiritual Acts in Daily Life

    Here are some things that I feel are sacred in life, and they certainly are simple. Perhaps making time to add them to your day will bring the sacred back into it:

    1. Prayer.

    2. Meditation.

    3. Time in nature.

    4. Time with children; they certainly know how to live in the moment.

    5. Meal preparation. It’s an opportunity to pray over your food. Make it a meditation.

    6. Greet the day. Watch the sun rise and say, ”Thank you.”

    7. Say “goodnight” to the day and express gratitude for everything that happened that day.

    8. Declutter your home, which also leads to decluttering your mind. I’m going through a massive purging right now, getting rid of things I no longer use. It feels as though I’m opening up my mind and soul for a fresh breeze to flow through and renew me.

    9. Awake early to have time to meditate, breathe, and watch the birds, while slowly, mindfully, drinking a cup of coffee or tea.

    10. When you feel the need to buy something, stop. Wait twenty-four hours. Why do you want it? Do you need it? What void is it filling? What else can fill it?

    11. Do you keep the T.V. on without even watching it? Living alone, I am well aware that sometimes I like the T.V on just to hear the voices of other people. But I’ve recently taken to leaving the T.V. off and listening to music instead. So I still hear voices, but more pleasant ones.

    Here are a few things turning off the T.V. can give you: time with a loved one, time for exercise, time for meditation, time for self, time to observe nature, time for a nap.

    Why not take some time to slow down, incorporate some of these spiritual acts into your day, and see what a difference it makes?

  • 9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

    9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

    Angry Women

    “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ~Mark Twain

    I am in serious danger, and I think you might be too.

    I am in danger of becoming a grumpy old person. I get angry easily. I operate on a short fuse, ready to snap or explode at the littlest thing.

    I could blame it on a combination of genetics and environment. My father seems to have only two moods, and one of them is angry.

    He is like a volcano and can explode at any moment. And I don’t mean he’s just cranky or that he yells.

    No. When he loses it, he really loses it. Emotionally and physically.

    He tenses every muscle in his body, clenches his fists, sticks his jaw out, and says things like, “Eeeoourgh!!!”

    He is a fireball of white-hot fury. Irrational, unreasonable, and perverse.

    As a child, I never knew whether I would be hugged or hit. I desperately wanted his approval and love, but often I incurred his wrath.

    As a teenager, I learned to fight back, yell as loudly, and be as demanding as he was. As an adult, I learned two key components that comprise anger.

    There’s the emotion that can envelope you in a moment, instantly causing you to become irrational and almost uncontrollable. And there are the situations or environments that have the potential to lead to anger, if we let them.

    I could let anger rule my life, but I refuse to do that, damn it! So I employ some simple anger management techniques instead.

    I am still in serious danger, but with these tools, I think I’ve found a way out.

    1. Follow a process.

    Create a process for managing situations that often trigger anger. When someone does something that upsets you, take a deep breath and trust in the process.

    One process I use to express my feelings calmly is to describe the behavior and explain my emotional response.

    So, I’d say something like, “When you yell at me, I feel hurt and upset,” or, “When you behave this way, I feel really angry.” It helps identify the problem and my emotions. It also helps me feel in control and prevents me from resorting to useless, blaming behavior.

    2. Tap it out.

    Try a little tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT is a healing tool that helps reduce deep emotional responses so we can manage our lives more calmly.

    The whole EFT process includes a tapping routine and a mantra, but I find a simplified version just as effective.

    When you feel an intense emotion, just use your first two fingers and tap your collarbone until you feel calmer. If you start tapping quickly and then gradually slow your rhythm, you’ll find yourself calming down.

    Sometimes, when I feel like tensing up and yelling, “Eeeoourgh!” myself, I go to the bathroom and tap until I feel calmer. Then I can handle the situation rationally.

    3. Think about your belly button.

    Centering is a super-simple technique that even a child can use. All you do is focus your mind on your belly button, or rather, just a smidge below your belly button.

    As you focus, tense those muscles and draw your belly button in toward your spine. If you’ve done any Pilates or yoga, you’ll be familiar with these deep abdominal muscles.

    Doing this exercise is truly calming and empowering. It puts you in a state of calm control, so you’re less likely to react and lash out. I sometimes close my eyes for a moment and focus on my belly button. When I open my eyes and continue centering, I can operate more calmly and coherently.

    4. Lighten up.

    Anger appears when we’re frustrated, but if you stand back from the situation a little, you might see it’s quite ludicrous. Not always, but often. Before you blow your stack, stand back and see if you can find something silly about what’s happening.

    I remember being frustrated by an organization I worked for when they arranged a breakfast for us to discuss strategies to improve our work-life balance.

    They wanted us to get up hours earlier than usual and spend extra time with our colleagues so we could talk about ways we could spend less time with them. How ridiculous!

    5. Practice daily calm.

    We can experience anger and frustration almost daily, and the more we experience it, the more it becomes our way of operating.

    When you commit to practicing daily calm, you counteract the anger. You practice something much more beneficial to your health and well-being.

    This doesn’t have to be hard. Just spend a moment or two doing nothing, whenever you can. Sit quietly and realize that you’re doing nothing, and see how calming it is.

    6. Get curious. 

    The next time you find your anger rising, divert your energy into curiosity. Get really curious about the other person’s perspective.

    Keep asking questions until you fully understand the other person’s opinion. Once you do, you’ll be in a better position to discover a solution that suits everyone.

    Recently, my daughter was extremely trying, and I saw red. I drew in my breath, preparing to yell at her. But somehow, in the split second of inhaling, I thought, I just need to follow the process.

    Instead of yelling, I reflected her feelings to get to the bottom of why she was behaving so poorly. I got curious about the cause of her behavior, and together we created a solution to the problem.

    Instead of an angry interaction that would rip our relationship apart, we had a truly productive, useful talk that brought us together.

    7. Hug a tree.

    If you feel yourself spinning out of control with anger, you can become grounded by literally grounding yourself. Hug a tree, lay on the ground, or sit with your back to a large, solid oak.

    Connecting yourself to the ground in this way will make you feel both physically and emotionally supported, calm, and stable.

    Grounding strategies help you detach from strong emotions. They help you gain control over your feelings so that you can get back in control.

    If you need a more portable strategy than an oak tree, try putting a small stone in your pocket. When you start feeling overwhelmed by emotion, reach into your pocket and focus on the stone—notice its texture, size, and temperature. This action focuses you on reality and stabilizes your emotions.

    8. Close the argument room.

    There’s a Monty Python skit where Michael Palin pays for an argument in the argument room. We often do the equivalent of asking for an argument by starting discussions that go nowhere or pushing our opinions onto people who don’t want them.

    We should always ask ourselves if going into the argument room is worth it.

    When my father rants, I often let him go. I don’t want to engage with him because I’d be entering the argument room, and for what? I’d end up cranky and frustrated, without achieving anything.

    9. Look beneath the anger.

    Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks the true feelings beneath it. The next time you feel angry, look inside and see if your anger is masking another deeper emotion.

    If you can discover the underlying emotion, you can address the real reason behind your emotional response.

    Think about the last time someone cut you off when you were driving. The moment it happens a chill of fear runs through you, and then it’s quickly replaced by frustration and resentment.

    Or, consider the last time you were running late and someone seemed to be delaying you. Underneath your anger may be self-loathing regarding how you didn’t prepare better, guilt for making someone wait, or fear of the consequences of your late arrival.

    Anger is the secondary emotion.

    The Truth About Anger

    It’s a powerful, all-encompassing emotion.

    Well harnessed, it can drive us to achieve great things. We can use it to fight injustice, increase confidence, and create focus. Think Erin Brockovich, Alanis Morissette, and Steve Jobs.

    But it can also ruin our relationships, damage our reputations, and make us hard to love. Think Naomi Campbell, Mel Gibson, and Charlie Sheen.

    That grumpy old person we talked about? Their anger is unchecked, and it’s become a front.

    A way of interacting with people. A mask to hide behind.

    And no one can live a great life if they’re hiding.

    It’s far better to have the courage to face the world, and your problems, head on. To discover what’s really under that anger, and address the true problem.

    The next time you feel your anger flare up, you can hide behind it, or you can dig deep into self-reflection and deal with what you find.

    Which will you choose?

    Angry woman image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    “Here’s a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Don’t worry, be happy.” ~Bobby McFerrin 

    I was one of those people that when asked what they want in life, would say, “I just want to be happy…”

    In my past, I suffered from debilitating depression. There was a period when getting the dry-cleaning and buying toilet paper was difficult enough.

    So, I made it my mission to study what happy people do to stay happy, then I started doing what they were doing. And my happiness increased until I became one of those people I used to be envious of.

    Here’s a list I use now on a daily basis as a reminder to increase my happiness:

    1. Give yourself permission.

    Permission to be who you are; permission to laugh big, to cry when you need to, to fail brilliantly, to make stuff; permission to fall apart, breakdown, and get back up again; permission to be different and unique; permission to go too far and reach your dreams.

    2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

    Hold yourself with a “light hand.” Laugh at your foibles with amusement.

    When things get tough or stress arises, lift your shoulders with an “oh well…” Know that it’s never as big or life devastating as your mind thinks.

    Happy people trust that whatever glitch happens will work itself out.

    They give a “Ha! Ha!” and a “So what? Who cares? Big Deal! Why not?” when met with resistances.

    3. Don’t self-ruminate.

    I remember a friend of mine from Mississippi saying, “Lynn, when are you gonna’ stop starin’ at your own belly button…?” (Insert: Southern drawl.)

    I learned happy people don’t fixate on themselves and their problems. They don’t over-analyze the issue du jour.

    When they start to get stuck on a problem or in their head, they put their attention on something else.

    I remind myself to not have to have it all figured out: Get outside. Go back to your work. Plan something fun.

    4. Don’t compare.

    Comparison has been compared to a little death. When we compare ourselves to others, we harm ourselves.

    Happy people know that they’re no better or less than another person. Someone will always be at a “more evolved place” and someone will always be “less-evolved.”

    Note to self: Be concerned with only how to do your best and that’s all.

    5. Make adjustments.

    When something isn’t going your way, when your mood dips, or when you feel “off,” stay curious and self-aware. Fine-tune the energy in your body by making adjustments.

    If you eat something that makes you feel poor, why eat it? Pay attention if that glass of wine the night before makes you feel crappy in the morning or that slice of pizza made you bloated or that ice cream caused you to crash, losing your focus and energy.

    When you’re feeling stuck or heavy, take a walk, do something different than your normal routine, meet up with a friend.

    If feeling anxious or stressed, tune-up with extra sleep, meditation/yoga or a hot bath…

    6. Be of service and know how to take care of yourself.

    Happy people want to give back. They have plenty to share. They volunteer, take time out to help a friend, offer to connect people to others for their betterment, and aren’t in need of getting anything back.

    Commit to service but also stay aware of how to take care of yourself. When your energy gets depleted, remember to not give away to the point that you lose focus on your own emotional/mental/physical/spiritual health.

    Have loving boundaries to care for yourself so that you have more to give.

    7. Choose uplifting friendships.

    When we have friendships and conversations that are uplifting, supportive, and loving, with people interested in our betterment, we are on a faster track to our own enlightenment.

    If you hang out with someone and don’t feel great afterward, see less of that person and seek out other friendships.

    Know which friends increase your happiness and nurture those relationships.

    8. Be less interested in being happy and more interested in your peace of mind.

    I used to think happiness was about being totally ecstatic. In order to balance out my feelings of hopelessness and depression, it seemed natural that my goal would be to be maximally blissed.

    But with all the highs there’s a low—we eventually come down from it.

    Remember not to get attached to the highs and focus more on experiencing peaceful aliveness.

    When your life is at peace, there’s a relaxed balance; and the chances of sustained happiness and contentment increases.

    9. Use your senses.

    As they say, the ordinary is extraordinary.

    Happy people receive pleasure from enjoying the simple joys in life, and usually they’re connected to our senses. This subtle awareness creates significant moments of happiness.

    I discovered the pleasures I receive in the:

    • Warmth of a teacup in my hands on a cold winter day
    • Taste of a square of dark chocolate melting on my tongue
    • Dance music in my cycle class that wakes me up
    • Smile of a stranger on the street
    • Aroma of my favorite essential oil and when people say, “You smell so good!”

    Continue to mark pleasant sense experiences in your mind and carry them throughout your day to increase your spirits.

    10. Don’t make your intimate relationships the end-all-be-all.

    I used to think the person I was in a relationship with was there to give me my happiness rather than increase it.

    Happy people understand that those they are in relationship with are an “addition to,” not a completion of them. They live full lives so that at the end of the day they have so much more to share.

    A loving reminder: Don’t rely on your partner to shift your moods, heal you, or fill your empty spaces. And remember it’s not your responsibility to do that for your partner either.

    Support is an important part of relationship. We’re there on the bad days with compassion and a loving embrace. We’re there on the good days to cheer them on.

    But mostly, we rely on ourselves to give that to ourselves. We trust that our partners can wrestle with their own demons. We offer space for them to discover their own happiness, while we focus on creating our own.

    What might you put your focus on to continue to increase your own happiness?

  • 5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

    5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

    “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim.” ~C.R. Strahan

    It’s not fair, is it?

    Getting hurt. All over again.

    It wasn’t so bad forgiving them the first time. You rose to the occasion. You became the bigger person. You tried to move on.

    You thought you had to. After all, they did ask nicely.

    You just knew you’d be BFFs again and go right back to, “Let’s go for Jamba Juice!”

    But it didn’t go down like that, did it?

    No BFFs. No Jamba Juice. Not even a check-in text.

    You put it all on the line and forgave them. Now they’ve let you down again, and you can’t help but think it was the biggest mistake you ever made. And on top of it all, you can’t stop wondering why it all happened to you.

    I used to wonder that too.

    When I was fourteen, my mom sent me away. She thought it would be nice if there were a nun in the family. And I was going to be it.

    I had never been further than my Mamaw’s house. I had just shaved my legs for the first time and gotten my room back after the toddlers moved into the new add-on.

    Now, I’d be sharing a room with three other postulants over 1,100 miles away—sleeping on used hospital beds. In silence. For six years.

    My life, as I knew it, had ended.

    I wasn’t allowed to spend holidays at home. I never got another birthday present. And for six years, all I wore was a homemade blue habit with a plastic collar I had to scrub with a toothbrush.

    But then I got out. And my life ended all over again.

    Where do you fit when you don’t fit anywhere? I didn’t know anyone. No one knew me. My little brothers and sisters were all teenagers by then. My dad had married the woman he’d had an affair with. And to top it all off, my mom wouldn’t let me come home.

    I just wanted to move on. I thought forgiving everyone would make it okay. Forgive my family for giving me away. Forgive the nuns for going all American Horror Story on me. Forgive the Catholic church for expecting me to make up something to say in confession every week. Forgive my parakeet for dying while I was gone.

    The more I told myself to stop being angry, the angrier I got. The more I tried to let it go, the more it haunted me at every turn.

    After six years, I should have been an expert at forgiveness. But in reality, I was as clueless as a homeless kid trapped in a grown-up twilight zone.

    In the end, forgiveness actually became my ultimate game-changer. But only after I saw through the lies people led me to believe.

    Can You Trust Everything You Believe About Forgiveness?

    There’s a whole lot of noise out there about forgiveness. And you know what noise does? It chats up your Inner Victim and distracts you. The louder the noise gets, the quicker you need to call in your Inner Skeptic. Because some of the noise is nothing but big, fat lies.

    Lying to yourself while you forgive someone is worse than not forgiving them at all.

    If you want to open your heart to freedom, you must open your eyes about forgiveness. Here are some crippling myths about forgiving that leave you victimized and the truths that will set you free.

    Lie: When I forgive, I have to forget what happened and move on.

    Truth: Remembering how you got hurt empowers you to forgive and create the life you deserve.

    When I got home, I tried to forgive my mom for making me grow up isolated and alone. I thought I had to forget that I’d never been allowed to talk to a guy who wasn’t a relative.

    The one awkward time I got asked to dance at a happy hour, I freaked out and started picking an imaginary bug out of my drink. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into that cup and float around with the ice cubes.

    Acting like the convent never happened was like walking through a minefield with my eyes shut and a great big target on my back. When you forget, you don’t know how to navigate. When you can’t navigate, you fake it.

    Faking it is not forgiveness. Faking it does not set you free and keep you safe.

    That’s why it’s important to remember. Remembering what happened gives you a compass for where you want to be. It lets you go easy on yourself while you design how it’s going to be from now on.

    Remembering how I was kept isolated told me that I didn’t deserve to be lonely any longer. Once I knew I could surround myself with loving relationships in my life, I was open to forgiving my mom.

    Honoring your reality lets you build the life you deserve and empowers you to forgive.

    Lie: Forgiveness wipes the slate clean and gives them another chance to hurt me.

    Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t invite you to get hurt again. Forgiveness empowers you to teach others how to treat you differently.

    Forgiving someone takes a lot of honesty. Honesty about yourself and how you deserve to be treated, and honesty about the one who hurt you and how they’re inclined to act around you.

    You don’t cause the way someone else acts, but you can invite them to act differently with you. If they don’t want to play nice, you get to change the way you show up around them.

    When my brother texted me that they all changed their minds about picking me up at the airport, I got frantic. It was Christmas. Mom’s house was an hour away. And all the rental cars were taken.

    When you trust people to be exactly who they are, you can adjust your expectations of them accordingly.

    I told my family that I wanted control over my travel arrangements and would get my own room and join them for dinner.

    The long drive gave me time to think and see them honestly after they let me down. Right then, I decided that I wouldn’t rely on unreliable people any longer. Suddenly, I wasn’t expecting them to rescue me. And I was able to forgive them.

    Forgiveness lets you see your offender honestly and puts you in charge of how you’re treated.

    Lie: I have to forgive someone or they won’t heal and be forgiven.

    Truth: When someone asks for forgiveness, they want their own peace back. And that’s not even something you can give them.

    One of the biggest truths I learned is that forgiveness heals me. I can’t do someone else’s healing for them.

    The only time my mother ever asked me to forgive her was late at night, in the privacy of her own living room, at the bottom of a bottle of Sandeman’s Port.

    “Will you forgive me? For everything?”

    “Sure. Yeah. Of course,” I’d say. But next year would only find her crying at the bottom of another bottle. I wanted her to be happy. But I couldn’t go there for her.

    Setting people free to walk through their own darkness is the truest test of your own freedom.

    Lie: I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.

    Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t give others what they deserve. Forgiveness gives you the only chance of ever getting what you truly deserve—your freedom.

    Freedom means you let go of hurting and decide to take the good stuff for a change.

    Letting yourself feel better takes a lot of trust. Trust that there’s enough good stuff out there for you. Trust that even if the bad guy gets some, there’s still always plenty for you.

    My early phone chats with Mom always ended badly. She’d start in with, “Remember when you guys used to—” And I’d cut in that, “No, Mom. I don’t remember. I never lived in that house. I was in a convent.” As soon as she’d come back with, “Well, I hope you don’t think that was my idea!” the F-bombs would hit the fan.

    I thought I never could forgive her if she wouldn’t admit all that happened to me. Truth is, I don’t think she’ll ever understand all that happened to me. And eventually, it didn’t matter. I stopped waiting for her to deserve it and just gave myself the good stuff anyway.

    Forgiveness isn’t about balancing the scales of justice. Forgiveness is about attaining your own freedom along the way.

    Lie: I can’t forgive until I know the reason this happened to me.

    Truth: You may never know the reason anything happened. But you can create your own reason for everything that happens now.

    What happened to you wasn’t fair. But “why?” is a question you could be chasing to your grave.

    Why torture yourself trying to make sense of what didn’t make sense? You already suffered through what actually happened to you. Why keep feeding the story with endless possibilities of terrible endings?

    I wasted a lot of time wondering why. I wanted it all to somehow make sense. If it wasn’t my fault, it had to be somebody else’s. Because what’s more pointless than thinking that I sacrificed my entire youth for absolutely no reason at all?

    Finally, I gave myself my own reason. I needed a reason to live now.

    If I was going to live, I was going to love living.

    The day I gave myself a reason to live was the day I stopped looking for the reason my youth had died.

    That was the day that I became free.

    Freeing yourself from the burden of “why?” sets you free from an eternal blame game with no end in sight.

    How to Break Free Once and for All

    Can I get real with you for a second?

    We’ve all got an inner victim. Our own personal champion of lies and no way out. And it needs us to believe it.

    Here’s the thing—lies get bigger when you believe them. But so does the truth.

    Stop pointing fingers at the lies you’ve been led to believe.

    You are not a victim. You are strong. And free. And powerful in your truth.

    There’s not a thing standing in your way.

    Set yourself free already! Take the good stuff for a change.

  • Get Mindful in May and Pause for a Great Cause

    Get Mindful in May and Pause for a Great Cause

    Mindful in May

    When your mind is scattered, your head full of worries, and your heart full of fears and doubts, the world is a stressful, sometimes terrifying place.

    When you take time to clear your mental space, suddenly everything feels easier. Without the heavy burden of anxiety and rumination, you’re free to simply be—and to see.

    It’s like cleaning a dirty window; all of a sudden, the light comes in, light you didn’t even realize was there.

    What provides this cleaning, clarifying magic? Meditation, and even just ten minutes a day.

    My whole life transformed when I learned that I could free myself from my bully brain, if I made a little time in my daily schedule to be still and silent.

    And that’s not the only benefit of meditation. When practiced regularly, meditation can lead to:

    • Structural changes in the brain associated with enhanced mental performance
    • Reduced stress and its negative impact on the body and mind
    • Improved physical and mental well-being
    • Reduced genetic aging through its protective impact on gene expression and degeneration
    • Increased happiness
    • Enhanced immune function

    If, like me, you want to continually reap these benefits, I highly recommend joining Mindful in May—a one-month campaign starting on May 1, which teaches you to meditate and at the same time helps bring clean water to those in developing countries.

    The Program Includes:

    • Daily guidance with clear, accessible tips on mindfulness meditation
    • Weekly audio meditations
    • Daily motivation and coaching to support your new mindful habit
    • Exclusive interviews with leaders in mindfulness across the globe
    • Your own meditation journal to track your month
    • A one-month curation of inspiring content to nourish your soul and introduce you to world leaders in well-being
    • Healthy, quick recipes to support your wellness and inspire the practice of mindful eating

    If you’d like, you can check out a sample 10-minute meditation here.

    The Cause: Charity Water

    As part of the challenge, you’ll be able to invite friends and family members to sponsor you. One hundred percent of their donations will help bring clean water to the one out of nine people who don’t have access to it.

    As Mindful in May Founder Elise Bialylew wrote:

    In the developed world most of us have our survival needs met, but it’s our minds that can cause so much of our suffering. The World Health Organization predicts that depression will be the second-leading cause of global disability burden by 2020.

    In the developing world, it’s something as basic as a lack of access to clean, safe water that causes so much suffering. Contaminated water is still one of the leading causes of disease and death in the developing world. 

    Last year, participants from twelve counties raised nearly $200,000 for Charity Water, enabling the construction of five wells near Ethiopia and Nepal. This year’s fundraising efforts will bring clean water to Rwanda.

    You can learn more about where your fundraising money goes here.

    —

    Ready to help yourself—and others? Join Mindful and May, tell your friends and family to sponsor you, and help spread this mindful ripple.

  • The Secret to Replacing Agitation with Calmness

    The Secret to Replacing Agitation with Calmness

    Calm Man

    “Calmness is the cradle of power.” ~Josiah Gilbert Holland

    I was interested, recently, to find that our local supermarket had set up an area with ten self-service checkouts. For years I‘d accepted the normal method of bagging and paying for my stuff. No stress there. But they’d installed some new technology and I was keen to give it a try.

    All new things bring with them hiccups or small difficulties of some kind. The self-service area was no exception.

    Sure, I did receive the correct change. And, it was definitely the fun experience I looked forward to. However, a queuing area hadn’t yet been established, so people just jumped into a vacant self-service spot as soon as one became available, oblivious to the fact that others were waiting.

    Here was the dilemma.

    Should I have called out in a loud voice, “Hey you! What about the queue?” (angry response) OR “Excuse me. Do you mind going to the end of the queue?”(polite response) OR continue to wait in line without commenting. (I could either churn myself up internally or mutter to the person next to me or to myself.)

    Being a bit shy, I was not fond of using the angry or polite responses. I was actually churning inside over such a small thing. After all, it only meant I’d be held up a few minutes.

    Have you been guilty of getting anxious inside over something as trivial as queue jumping?

    The Secret to Replacing Agitation with Calmness

    So what is the secret?

    I’ve given it the name: reaction awareness. Let me explain.

    When you are in a situation where you feel your insides churning, become aware of your reaction to that situation. By observing what is happening in this way, you are in control. You have the power to calm the negative reaction welling up inside you.

    Reaction awareness allows you to replace a churning reaction with a calming one. You’ll actually lessen the severity of any negativity that arises.

    How It Works in Practice

    Okay, you’re aware of your reaction, but how can you lessen the negative results of each particular situation, on your body?

    Reaction awareness consists of two techniques.

    One technique deals with developing calmness as soon as a stress or annoyance arises. Of course, not all of the ideas listed below are ideal for each situation. Your choice will depend on where you are and what has happened.

    On the other hand, you might select just one that you’ll use every time because you know it would be the most comfortable and useful response for you.

    The second technique involves the regular practice of activities that over the long term will become part of you, like a habit. These activities will strengthen you so that when situations occur in the future, you’ll be ready and well prepared for them. You’ll be equipped to handle yourself better.

    Quick Techniques for Immediate Use

    • Use breathing. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. Turn away from the situation so that it’s out of sight for a minute or two.
    • Reduce surrounding noise. Turn off loud music and change to calm, quieter sounds.
    • Ask someone to massage your shoulders. This is where tension is stored. A quick massage can release the tension and relax you.
    • Count to ten. This was the technique popularized when I was a kid.
    • Drink water. Make a warm drink with lemon to soothe you, or have a glass of water.

    Activities to Practice Over Time for Long-Term Benefit

    • Use breathing exercises. The most basic is to inhale, then exhale, using the nose, both to the count of four. Yoga enthusiasts will know various breathing exercises they can use. Or consult a practitioner for the ones that will give you most benefit.
    • Sit quietly. We are conditioned to thinking we must be doing something every moment of every day. If we’re not sending a text message, we’re “tweeting” or “liking” someone. Just sit and quietly read, practice mindfulness, or enjoy a short time of shut-eye.
    • Walk or jog outdoors. Choose a place with trees, grass, or flowers, because they send a calming message to the brain.
    • Have “me” time. You are important so treat yourself as important. Do something you love doing but rarely have (or make) time to do.
    • Recognize the triggers. Know particular situations in advance when you’re sure you’ll flare up or need calming. Two of mine are feeling very cold, or feeling thirsty/hungry. Know the triggers that create agitation for you, so you can be better prepared. You’ll gain that state of calmness quicker.

    Because the last five listed above are ideas to be used over the long term, it’s important to practice them on a regular basis. You might like to select just one or two and master them.

    Try them. See which ones calm you down. Your body will thank you because calmness, rather than an uptight feeling, will be the norm.

    Why Should You Use Reaction Awareness?

    It’s healthy. Your body doesn’t respond as angrily as you might without using it.

    According to Josiah Holland, calmness is the place from which power emerges. In other words, by using this technique, you are developing an inner strength—an inner power and confidence—because you are in control of each situation. You haven’t let your emotions take control of you.

    Using reaction awareness is definitely not a sign of weakness. The confidence it creates in your ability to handle awkward or difficult situations by reacting calmly enables you to face each day with your head held high. You exude that special quality not many people have, of inner peace and strength.

    In Summary

    Many times each week, you’ll find yourself in situations where you can either forget all about action awareness, or use it. The choice is yours. Remember, you are in charge of your life and your health.

    When you practice reaction awareness, you’ll be prepared for anything—almost. In whatever situation you find yourself, you’ll be replacing agitation with calmness.

    As you deal with every issue, you’ll become more confident. You’ll become a source of strength and calm for others around you.

    Calm man on a cloud image via Shutterstock

  • When All You Can Do is Breathe

    When All You Can Do is Breathe

    Just Breathe

    “Don’t try to change anything at all, just breathe and let go. Breathe and let be… in your mind and in your heart, give yourself permission to allow this moment to be exactly as it is, and allow yourself to be exactly as you are.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

    I watched him breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Sometimes I’d move closer to his tiny body in his hospital bed just to see if I could get him to move a bit, wanting to boost the comfort of in and out with a roll to the side or an eye flicker.

    This all reminded me of five years before, when he was a newborn and I’d do the same thing. You know about this if you’re a parent or you’ve ever cared for an infant. Sometimes you just need to watch them breathe.

    We say, I suppose, that it’s to make sure they don’t die of SIDS, but I also think that it’s to make sure they actually exist at all. Someone, something, the Universe, trusted me with this little person and here he is. How did that happen?

    But of course now I was really watching my son to make sure he didn’t die. In a few short days, he’d gone from seeming a bit under the weather to barely breathing.

    We were living in the haphazard capital city of Antananarivo, Madagascar and our son had just been diagnosed with Type I Diabetes. Now all of my greatest fears were being realized in the barely existent space between his body and mine. In and out. In and out.

    I’d spent eighteen months in a place where I’d always feared one of my children would get sick or injured or worse. Eighteen months of saying, “Yes, it could happen, but it probably won’t.” Eighteen months out the window because now it was all happening. And we had to wait.

    Wait to see if the one doctor in the entire country capable of treating Type I would ever show. Wait for an air ambulance to South Africa. Wait to see if we’d ever go back to our house (we didn’t). Wait to see if he’d keep breathing. In. Out.

    And then somehow, at some point, the waiting stopped. Here he was—breathing in and out. Here I was beside him—breathing in and out. I don’t even know when exactly it happened, but somehow the rest of the world began to fall away.

    We were just us, in that moment. With nowhere else to go and nothing else to do but wait, we just stopped.

    The heavy weight of stress and fear and sadness and loss was with me, but all emotion existed in that moment alone. What was before seemed forever past, what was ahead faded into mystery. And there we were. In and Out.

    We made our way from the small, ill-equipped hospital in Antananarivo in an old truck with a siren. We passed our neighborhood and his school.

    I saw a friend in her car waiting out the traffic caused by our makeshift ambulance. She looked confused, but resigned. That’s often all you can be in Antananarivo.

    At the airport we boarded a tiny air ambulance on a three-hour flight to Pretoria. Eventually, we were reunited with his siblings and father, my other children and husband. Then we were back in the US. And we were still breathing. In and out.

    There are so many lessons we’ve learned in the last year since this happened—about health, gratitude, love, friendship, family—but only now am I realizing that what mattered most was simply that we kept breathing.

    Because what has happened behind us is gone forever and no matter how much we plan or wish or pray, we’ll never truly know how things will unfold in the days ahead. For those first few hours when my son’s life was on the line, I had a moment of clarity.

    There was no time for doubt or self-judgment. The only anchor was his breath. And as his breath moved, and mine with it, we were fully absorbed in what was happening there in that moment.

    Now I know for sure that more difficult times will come and also more days of happy, silly bliss. I know sometimes it will rain. Sometimes we’ll feel as though the sun will shine forever. We’ll witness loss. We’ll have gains.

    Every day is a series of ins and outs. We think things should stay in a straight line, full speed ahead, but they don’t. They go up and down. In and out.

    How blessed I am now to have seen what it’s like to really breathe, to be so fully absorbed in the in and out of breath as to know that it is the most important thing. Not how you do it, for how long or for why, but simply that you breathe. And when you need it most, the rest will fall away and you’ll have the in and out.

    Sometimes you’ll find it may be all you really need.

    Just breathe image via Shutterstock

  • Release Stress Through Mindfulness: 4 Steps to Emotional Freedom

    Release Stress Through Mindfulness: 4 Steps to Emotional Freedom

    Man Meditating

    “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~William James

    I’ve been meditating for many years, but there are still days when I feel like it’s something I need to tick off my to-do list.

    On some days, particularly when I’m in the middle of a big project, it can feel hard to put even ten minutes aside for meditating. The driven voice in my head tries to convince me that this practice of pausing and connecting with presence is a waste of time.

    It’s a compelling voice, particularly on days when it feels like there are so many urgent things to do. But it’s especially on those days, when I manage to recognize those sabotaging thoughts for what they are, that I find so much benefit from meditating.

    When I sit to meditate on these days, I immediately notice the tightness in my chest and throat and the underlying agitation of my stress. I notice my mind spewing out to-do lists in a way that makes it nearly impossible to resist getting up and just doing it all.

    Then I see what is happening. Ah, agitation is here. By making time for meditation, I get to more consciously connect with myself and my state of being, and I realize that my sense of urgency is actually fuelled from a physical state of tension and stress.

    By the end of my meditation session, my chest open ups, my breath becomes less impeded, my belly softens, and my whole being settles back into a feeling of calm presence.

    I’m grateful that I have this practice that it has taught me how to discern between thoughts that are worth listening to and thoughts that are psychic garbage that needs to be discarded.

    Meditation has taught me how to relate to my thoughts in a completely revolutionary way. I can’t believe this education isn’t mandatory from primary school. I wonder how my life may have been different with this discerning lens on my inner experience.

    Through the practice of meditation, I have come to realize that thoughts can be likened to having a radio on in the background of your mind, and sometimes the channels that you’re tuned into are full of rubbish.

    The difference is that when you’re listening to a radio, if there’s a channel you don’t like, you can easily fix it by changing the station. However, for many of us, when it comes to our thought stream, we sit there tuned in, immersed in a toxic running commentary without changing the station.

    Until I learned the practice of mindfulness meditation I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. When you believe that all your thoughts are truth, your beliefs and stories can limit your possibilities and potential.

    As Gandhi stated:

    “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”

    So how do you know which thoughts are valuable and which thoughts you should disregard?

    It’s usually the negative thoughts that have a particular power to affect our destiny. So, next time you are having a thought that feels self-critical, judgmental, worried, or stressed, take a mindful moment, pause, and ask yourself if this thought is supporting you to be the person you want to be, and live in the way you want to live.

    Recognize the emotion below the thought that might be driving that type of thinking. Is there fear, overwhelm, stress, hurt, anxiety, shame, or anger?

    By getting to the root of the emotion behind the thought, you can then make wiser decisions about how to respond to what is triggering that emotion rather than stay captive to unproductive thought loops.

    How to Find Emotional Freedom Through Mindfulness

    1. Be aware.

    Notice when you are thinking something that is negative or creating emotional discomfort. Then ask yourself: is this thought moving me toward or away from what I value and how I want to be living?

    2. Let go.

    If you discover the thought is moving you away from who you want to be and how you want to live, simply let it go. Unhook from the toxic radio station in your mind that is sending you unhelpful messages. Realize that this thought is just a thought and not an authority.

    3. Be gentle with yourself.

    Take a moment to bring compassion to yourself as you recognize and uncover the underlying emotion that is fueling these negative, unhelpful thought streams.

    4. Understand how your mind works.

    Remind yourself that the nature of the mind is to think. It is constantly producing thoughts, some of which are creative and inspired and others that are holding you captive and bringing you down. Realize that you don’t have to believe every thought that comes into your mind.

    Mindfulness, that capacity to be aware of what is happening from moment to moment, helps you guard your own mind so you can carefully choose which thoughts you let influence your choices and life.

    Man meditating at sunset image via Shutterstock

  • Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

    Yoga

    “See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

    I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

    In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.

    I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws. 

    I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.

    That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.

    That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.

    For most of my life, I’ve fought reality. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate their perception. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it. (more…)

  • Accepting the Loss of a Loved One and Finding Peace Again

    Accepting the Loss of a Loved One and Finding Peace Again

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    Meaningful relationships are crucial to our happiness. We need the human bond to feel connected and joyful, and we enjoy life much more when we share it with people we love.

    There are times, however, when we are forcefully separated from our loved ones. Coping with loss can be one of the most difficult things we ever have to do. Everyone copes with grief differently, and some of us never do.

    When we lose someone we love, it distorts our universe and our peace, and nothing seems right. There is a future that will never exist and a past that we want to go back to, and we feel like we can’t be further from the present moment and reality.

    For a long time, whenever I thought of a friend that I lost last August, I saw all of the vanished possibilities, all of the things he wouldn’t experience and I couldn’t share with him.

    I lost my wedding’s best man, my childhood partner in crime, at a very young age from a medical condition that nobody knew about. It happened in such a snap that nobody could believe it.

    I used to walk the beach and burst into tears because he could never come and walk it with me again.

    I kept thinking about all of the future events that would never happen, and I couldn’t find peace and acceptance.

    I asked questions like “why?” and “how?” and didn’t receive any answers.

    One day while I was sitting in my garden, playing with my dogs, and wishing that my friend could be there to enjoy the day with me, the answer that I was waiting for came to me:

    He was not gone; he had just changed.

    He was there—in the garden, in the air, in the wind, in the sunshine, in the leaves of the trees, in my heart.

    I finally realized that what I was trying to cope with was not a loss but a change.

    We tend to resist change as strongly as we can, trying to stay in our current state of comfort and security because change is hard.

    But life is a constant change—sometimes severe, like the loss of someone we love; sometimes wanted, like a new home; and sometimes surprising, like moving to another country and discovering that you love it.

    Our loved ones change, life changes, and we have to change too.

    Nothing is actually lost in the universe. Everything is energy and energy is never lost. My friend might not be a part of the material world anymore, he might not be a person in the sense of a human being, but he is a part of the world somehow. I don’t know how, but I know he is.

    I believe that the people we think we lose transform into something else and move on to the next stage of life. They are still here, but not in the same way as before.

    They are in everything we have learned from them, in their creations, in their children, in our hearts and memories. I know my friend is still here when I hear his voice telling me how to do something or where to look for something I can’t find.

    Knowing that my friend is not gone but rather changed into something I don’t understand makes it easier to accept reality. It gives me peace of mind.

    I can finally accept that he has moved on, and I need to do the same.

    When we lose someone we love, everything changes.

    This is not a change that we have anticipated or wanted. We may wonder if we will ever be the same, if we will go back to our old self. We can’t and we won’t. After such a traumatic change we have only one way to cope: change ourselves too.

    Nothing can bring them back. Nothing can “undo” anything that happens in life. We have to move forward. Without accepting the change, we make it much harder to do so. We can’t find peace because we feel that something is broken or wrong, but it isn’t; it is just different.

    If you lost someone, know that they are not gone; they, too, are different.

    For a long time, I resisted the fact that I would need to change my plans and my visions.

    But eventually, I had to do it. Now, instead of dreaming about how my future kids will one day meet their parents’ best man and learn so much from him, I dream about telling them stories about a friend that changed my life.

  • May You Have Many Worries

    May You Have Many Worries

    Woman at Sunset

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My mother was what you might call a “professional worrier.” She worried with skill, power, and acumen.

    She could incisively hone in on the most seemingly benign situation and find within it some kernel of trouble to worry about. Money. Health. Household. Children. Travel. Work. You name it, she worried about it. A lot.

    That is until my father was diagnosed with cancer.

    When my father became ill, my mother changed radically, and apparently overnight. Faced with the potential of the greatest loss of her life, she found that she was suddenly free of the many worries that had plagued her for all those many years.

    In the wake of the most terrible news imaginable, the many troubles that had been burdening her suddenly fell away, like a heavy winter coat on an unexpectedly warm day. So, strangely and without warning, in the midst of a terrifying life-threatening crisis, my mother became a more light-hearted person.

    (more…)

  • Stop Feeling Frazzled: A Powerful Guide to Reducing Stress (and a Giveaway!)

    Stop Feeling Frazzled: A Powerful Guide to Reducing Stress (and a Giveaway!)

    The Mindful Way Through StressUpdate – The winners for this giveaway have been chosen:

    In my high school yearbook’s class prophecy, it was predicted that I would one day write and star in a one-woman show about my life called “Stress.”

    I was chronically frazzled—in a constant state of panic about everything I had to do and had already done but may not have done well enough.

    I overextended myself, took very little time to nurture my emotional and mental well-being, and frequently felt like I was about to snap.

    In fact, I even broke a stress ball once from excessive squeezing. It was made for that, but apparently not with the force in my freakishly strong little hand.

    Fortunately, I eventually discovered mindfulness, which was life-changing for me. It helped me step outside of my anxious thoughts so I could respond to life more consciously and calmly.

    Since I’ve been more stressed than usual as of late—and I’ve needed a reminder of how to effectively manage my emotions—I was thrilled to receive a copy of Shamash Alidina’s new book, The Mindful Way Through Stress.

    The subtitle promises a proven eight-week path to health, happiness, and well-being—and the book delivers!

    It’s clear that Shamash is not only an expert on mindfulness, but he’s also quite passionate about helping others respond wisely to life’s inevitably stressors instead of getting caught in a frenzy of reaction.

    I highly recommend The Mindful Way Through Stress to anyone who’d like to find more peace within the chaos of daily life.

    It is, hands down, the most helpful guide I’ve read in a long while, and one I will certainly reference whenever I need a little help dealing with life’s inevitable challenges.

    I’m grateful that Shamash took the time to provide some incredibly detailed answers to my questions about stress and mindfulness, and that he’s provided two free copies of The Mindful Way Through Stress for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The Mindful Way Through Stress:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Mindful Way Through Stress http://bit.ly/1M3wBvL

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, March 6th.

    The Interview

     1. What brought you to your career as a mindfulness teacher and coach?

    I originally got interested due to stress. The stress for me when I was in college, aged twenty, came from a combination of workload and confusion.

    I didn’t know what to do. I was halfway though a degree that I didn’t enjoy (Chemical Engineering), and working toward a job I knew I didn’t want (working in the Oil Industry).

    Then, my fortunes changed. I came across a class in “practical philosophy” in which the teacher guided a short mindfulness meditation. I was pleasantly shocked!

    Just a short few minutes and I’d gone from feeling frazzled to focused. Wow! Why hadn’t anyone taught me this technique years ago?

    I resolved from that day on to teach mindfulness to as many children and adults that I could.

    I started by teaching in a school for eight years, where all the children had time to practice mindfulness and meditation. And then I moved on to focusing on just teaching adults mindfulness full-time.

    Training mindfulness teachers to embody both awareness and compassion, for themselves and their students, is my passion.

    2. Your book presents a self-help version of mindfulness-based stress reduction. Can you tell us a little about MBSR and how mindfulness helps with stress?

    Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction was developed in the late seventies by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn and his colleagues at UMASS Medical School. He asked his colleagues, doctors, to send him their most challenging patients—those that they felt they could no longer help using modern medicine.

    He put together an eight-week course, which comprised of guided meditations, mindful yoga stretches, and group dialogue around managing stress and living life in a mindful way.

    His experiments worked. The groups reported huge reduction not only in stress, but also reductions in anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, and a greater feeling of control of their lives.

    Even more encouragingly, these positive reports of stress reduction from patients continued even three years after they’d done the MBSR program.

    So naturally, MBSR began to spread, first, across the US and now, worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people have probably done the program now, if not millions.

    Stress is a complex subject, and so the path to relieving it is not straightforward. However, there’s a few key, powerful ways in which mindfulness can reduce stress.

    Mindfulness helps you to switch off your normal, habitual, automatic reactions to the stressors you face.

    If you’re living mindlessly, you don’t even know how stressed you are.

    A friend of mine recently started practicing mindfulness and has discovered his body is riddled in tension and is now slowly beginning to relax. Without mindfulness, he’d still be going around with this chronic tension in his body.

    So with mindfulness you can see if you’re getting excessively stressed early, and step out of that stream. You know how to rest your mind and body. Without mindfulness, you don’t have access to that.

    Mindfulness makes your brain more resilient to stress.

    People who have practiced mindfulness have brains that don’t seem to ruminate so much; they can spot negative, repetitive thinking earlier, and step out of it. Or sometimes, worries just don’t seem to take hold. Sounds good, doesn’t it?

    Mindfulness naturally engages the relaxation response in your body.

    This is a hard-wired system. By combining mindful awareness with a sense of warmth toward different sensations, emotions, or even situations in your life, the stress inevitably eases.

    You make fewer mistakes.

    If you’re rushing around mindlessly, you’re going to bump into a lot of things, both physically and metaphorically. So many of us are running through life, causing more problems as a result. The running is due to fear of missing out, or being imperfect.

    Mindfulness shows you how to access a peace within so you don’t have to run for it everywhere you go. By discovering a different way of operating, which everyone can do step-by-step, you meet life with greater calm, peace, joy, and freedom.

    But remember, stress by itself is not bad. Stress is a problem if it’s sustained for too long and feels like it’s too much for you. See the positive aspects of stress—how it energizes you and gets you going. Seeing stress negatively makes things worse.

    Make friends with stress! Stress is inevitable. Just use mindfulness to take regular breaks from your stress to recharge yourself. Then out you go again!

    3. What are the problems with living on autopilot?

    Living on autopilot is great for planes, but not for human beings.

    When we were babies and young children, we didn’t really live on autopilot. We lived each day fresh, alive, in the moment. That’s a natural way to be.

    But the human brain is clever. To save energy, rather than keeping your conscious, it switches off consciousness for any repeated activity.

    Eventually your whole life is one big autopilot experience. You’re like a robot. And this kind of living reduces your joy and freedom tremendously.

    The thing is, living consciously is so enjoyable once you discover how! The feeling of your own body is beautiful. Just experiencing sitting and breathing can be blissful.

    The present moment really is a wonderful moment once you discover how to penetrate the crust of thoughts that is pasted over everything.

    You can do it. Everyone can do it. You just need to create the right environment, follow the right instructions, and bring the right attitude—patience, kindness, curiosity, and allow the mindfulness and compassion to rise.

    Just as the sun rises in the morning, bringing light and warmth, so your life becomes a joy as mindfulness and compassion grow. By prioritizing mindfulness practice in your life, you can experience this.

    4. With our increasingly busy lives, many of us end up multitasking and feeling stressed as a result. How can we challenge this instinct to multitask without falling behind with everything we need to do?

    The busier you are, the slower you need to go. Watch people like the Dalai Lama—do you see him rushing around in a panic? Yet, he’s constantly teaching, coaching, serving. He’s probably much busier than you or me.

    The urge to multitask is powerful. And if you’re on autopilot, you’ve got no chance to release yourself from the hold of phones, computers, and tablets. In our digital age, mindfulness is essential to prevent you being swept in an ocean of information and people wanting to connect.

    Try small steps like keeping your digital devices out of the bedroom. Or keep them off in the evenings. But try and take a bigger step if you can—leave your phones behind on vacation. Take one day off every week totally free of multi-tasking. A digital detox day!

    Here’s one approach you can take to dealing with an excessively long to-do list:

    • Before going to bed, jot down all the key things you wish to complete the next day.
    • Prioritize them. What’s number 1? What’s number 2? Rewrite the tasks in the correct order. Put mindfulness at the top of the list!
    • The next day, resist the urge to check emails, Facebook messages, Twitter, etc. By resisting this urge, it diminishes. Just because you have a compulsion to check your messages, you don’t need to actually check them—they can wait.
    • Do the task you need to complete, in the order you set out. And write down the time you start and finish each task. Having a written record will help you to see how you’re really using your time. It’s more power than it sounds—do try it out!
    • Between tasks, practice mindfulness. Feel some breaths, go for a mindful walk, slowly and consciously drink a glass of water, or stretch. These breaks with rejuvenate you and make you finish your tasks sooner (so you have more time to meditate every day).

    5. You wrote, “Emotions are not problems to be solved. They are experiences to be felt.” Can you elaborate a little on this?

    This is a very important point to understand. Misunderstanding how to manage emotions is at the root of so much human suffering.

    Let’s take the example of feeling sad. If you’re feeling sad, what do you do? If you’re on autopilot, you try to fix it. You may think, “I must feel better.” So you go off and try and cheer yourself up. You don’t let yourself actually feel the sadness.

    Now, that may work or may not. If it works for you, great. But what if it doesn’t work? What if partying with your friends doesn’t make you feel better? Or calling your sister doesn’t seem to lift the mood?

    Well, your next thought will probably be, “Oh no. I’m still feeling sad. I must try something else. I must try harder.” Eventually, this turns into thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy.’

    All this is hard work. You work harder and harder to fix your mood. But that’s not what your emotion wants.

    Emotions need skillful awareness and care. Just like a young child needs attention and love to grow in a healthy way, so do emotions. So you need to feel the emotion.

    Feel the emotion in your body. Notice its shape, maybe its color or texture. And bring some feeling of care toward the feeling. Place your warm hand on the sensation. Breathe and feel the emotion.

    You can even speak gently to the emotion and ask, “What do want to say to me?”

    One of my students did this the other day, and the response was a clear: “Slow down!” She discovered that she needs to slow down the pace of her life or things will get worse. That’s wisdom in action.

    So emotions don’t need to be fixed or pushed away. They need to be gently felt—then they’ll dissolve and pass away in their own time.

    6. Why do we tend to dwell on the negative, and how can we challenge this instinct to minimize our stress?

    If you had a lovely day all day, but for one minute someone said to you, “You’re a complete idiot! You’re stupid, useless, and a waste of space!” then you’ll remember that. You’ll think about that much more than the thousands of other minutes that were absolutely lovely.

    That’s because our brains are evolved to be like Teflon for positive experiences and Velcro for negative experiences.

    Scientists think this focus on negativity, called negativity bias, is a way to ensure we survive—if you spotted a tiger on the way back to your cave, you need to be able to remember that! If not, next time you could be dinner!

    You’re probably not reading this blog in a jungle. So, you need to re-balance your brain. The solution: find your favorite daily way to focus on what’s going well in your life. This could be combined with your daily meditation practice.

    At the end of the practice, ask yourself, “What’s going well in my life?” Or, “What’s awesome about me?” Or, “How have I been a nice person today/yesterday/this week?”

    Ask yourself positive questions like those above, and they’ll draw positive thoughts and emotions from within you.

     7. What is one simple mindfulness exercise anyone can do whenever they’re feeling stressed?

    This is a powerful one for most people, originally developed by meditation teacher, Ajahn Brahm:

    • Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
    • Imagine you’re holding two heavy suitcases in your hand. The left one represents your past and all your experiences, both positive and the regrets. And the right one represents your future and all your hopes, dreams, worries, and anxieties.
    • Feel the weight of holding these bags around all day. It’s tiring. You need a break from time to time.
    • Lower down the bag in your left hand, onto the ground. Enjoy the feeling of letting go as the weight transfers to the ground.
    • Lower down the bag in your right hand, representing your future.
    • Enjoy staying in between the past and future, in the present moment. What a relief that is!
    • Connect with any present moment experience. Your body, your breath, sounds around you.
    • When you feel you’ve had a rest and ready to resume, you can re-engage in your everyday activities. Ideally with some more mindful awareness and kindness to yourself and those you meet.

    You can learn more about The Mindful Way Through Stress on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    Start Now

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H Schuller

    I have tried for so long to build a meditation habit. Seriously, it’s been one of my biggest goals for more than a decade.

    And I’ve tried really hard. I’ve read books, I’ve taken classes, I’ve made accountability charts, I’ve set SMART goals; I’ve done it all.

    Sometimes, I’ll fall into a good rhythm, and I might make it onto my mat three or four days in a row. Then sometimes, three whole months will go by without me managing to do it at all.

    So what gives? Why can’t I make it happen? What am I doing wrong, after ten years of trying?

    I decided to dig deeper into what was happening inside my poor little monkey mind that might be hindering my progress.

    It took me by surprise when I realized that no matter what my practice has actually looked like over the years, whether I’d been totally diligent or utterly neglectful, there had been one constant the entire time: I’ve always felt like I needed to be the best at meditation.

    Yep, that’s the phrase that actually popped into my mind, word for word, when I tried to unpack what was going on: the best at meditation.

    I know what you’re thinking: What does that even mean? How can you be “the best” at something like meditation?

    And let me tell you, I know how dumb it sounds. Meditation, by its very nature, is about not having attachment to such things as results or outcomes. I mean, it’s about being in the moment, not about getting an A+ rating or a bunch of gold-stars.

    And yet I felt like I needed to be awesome at it. To be better than others. To bypass beginner status and immediately step into the category of “expert.”

    I kept getting this image in my head: me, perched perfectly still in lotus position, the dawn sunshine on my face, wind blowing gently in my beautifully beachy hair, my outfit crisp and white, and my face a perfect vision of peace and tranquility.

    (Never mind that I am not a morning person, that the lotus position gives me pins and needles, that my hair is more bushy than beachy, and that I don’t even own any crisp white clothes.)

    When I dug deeper, I realized there was a follow-on thought from my attachment to this vision and my need for achievement: If I couldn’t be awesome at meditation, if I couldn’t achieve perfection… there was no point.

    That was my unconscious thought pattern.

    Which was why I always aimed for ridiculously long sessions; if I didn’t have a full thirty minutes to devote to it, what was the point?

    It was why I was so disappointed if my mind wandered; if I didn’t give an A+ performance, what was the point?

    It is why I’d feel like a failure if I didn’t do it first thing in the morning (even though my late-night work sessions made that completely impractical); if I hadn’t done a dawn session, what was the point?

    And it was why I would get so down on myself if I missed a single day; if I couldn’t keep a perfect score card, what on earth was the point?

    All in all, it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to make this habit stick. At every step of the journey, I’ve been psyching myself out of making any progress by expecting supreme, utter perfection.

    In the past, this type of thinking has reared its head in other areas of my life too: if I can’t go to the gym for at least a full hour, there’s no point, right?

    If I can’t eat 100% healthy for the rest of the week, I may as well write the next few days off, yeah?

    And if I can’t fit in a long, uninterrupted stretch of writing time, there’s no point pulling out my notebook at all, amiright?!

    Thankfully, over the years I’ve become aware of these perfectionist tendencies, and have developed a few mental strategies and ninja tricks to overcome them. (Don’t have time for a full gym session? Do half an hour of power yoga in the lounge room instead. Revolutionary, huh?)

    But it’s taken me oh-so-long to realize that I was also doing it in my meditation practice; that I was letting my pursuit of perfection hold me back from inner peace.

    Now that I know, I’m trying to let go of all expectations on myself when it comes to gettin’ my Zen on. In fact, my meditation sessions these days have been pared right back to the simplest, most achievable, most non-perfect thing I could think of.

    Want to know what that looks like? (Prepare yourself for the profoundness!)

    Two minutes of meditation, every one or two days.

    That’s it.

    And, if I haven’t managed to pull it off during the day, I do it in the shower at night, just before I go to bed (yep, standing there, suds and all, with not a lotus position in sight).

    It’s minimal, it’s manageable, and it’s achievable. It’s also effective for quieting my monkey mind and giving me the tiny pockets of peace and stillness I crave so much.

    I’m now on my fourth week of this new approach, and I’m happy to report that by releasing my expectations of perfection. In fact, by embracing the fact that I am going to mess up, and by giving myself some wiggle room and a short-cut to get around it, I’ve actually been more mindful in the past month than I’ve been for a really long time.

    And I’ve definitely ended up with more time spent on the mat through these little baby steps than when I was aiming for giant, dramatic leaps.

    It’s been an eye-opening lesson, and one that I’m very grateful for.

    So now I want to ask you, dear one, are you letting perfection hold you back from achieving something you really want?

    Could you cut yourself a break and aim for “okay” instead of “awesome”? It might sound counterintuitive in our culture of comparison and perfection, but the results might just take you by surprise.

    Start now image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    Man Meditating

    “Life is as simple or complicated as we make it.” Donna Smallin

    The dreaded “C” word. Clutter.

    We all deal with it. In some part of our world, we face it: be it in our closets, in our offices, or even in our bodies. But the most distracting and debilitating cluttered space is in our heads.

    You know the feeling. Driving on autopilot to work. Forgetting important dates. Leaving the water running or the stove on. Stumbling over words, unable to make a point.

    When we’re caught up in our heads, distracted by worry or fear, we’re not present or clear-headed. And when we’re not clear-headed, we lose the connection to ourselves, our environment, and our lives.

    Mental clutter pulls us off center, disrupting our balance. It can get so jumbled and disorderly up there that we end up lost in la la land.

    Clearing Clutter At The Root

    Fortunately for me, I grew up in a big, loving family. However, a big family tends to hold all sorts of clutter. Raised with four siblings sharing one bathroom, one TV, and one telephone, let’s just say it got ugly. Probably didn’t help that Mom was a shopaholic and Dad was a packrat.

    The claustrophobia of my childhood left me wanting to live clutter-free.

    It wasn’t until my college years away from home that I started noticing how my mind was the cause of any clutter I carried with me; nothing and no one else was to blame.

    After a huge quarter-life crisis, I saw how I was compromising my own clarity and life balance with my own head-trash—the junk I kept upstairs.

    I then made a conscious choice to declutter my life, starting at the root of it all—my mind.

    But how do you begin to clear away the clutter you can’t see?

    Decluttering the mind requires us to become intentional on where we place our attention and how we spend our time and energy.

    Here are some tips to help you do that.

    1. Keep a gratitude log.

    Gratitude is appreciating what you have. It’s saying that what you have is enough. Taking time every day to consider your blessings will help bring balance to your life. It’s hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.

    Spend five minutes every day to note at least five things you’re grateful for. Some ideas: time with a friend, an award at school, your seatbelt, your breath, the colors in the park, and even the nourishing beauty of a rainy day.

    2. Journal.

    Whether digitally or with paper, journaling is a wonderful release of pent-up thought. By writing down your thoughts, worries, hopes, and experiences, you are finding respite from the chatter inside your head.

    Even though you’re still thinking of these things as you write, it’s like you’re observing the situation from ten feet away, no longer completely absorbed in the emotionality of it.

    Try to journal every day for however long it takes to feel peace on a topic. The more you do it, the faster the peace comes. Like in therapy, simply letting it out is healing because we’re relieved of the burden of keeping it all inside.

    3. Laugh.

    Laughter has been proven to be the best medicine for relieving stress. It eases defensiveness, lightens your emotional load, and lifts stress off your shoulders. It brings balance to your psyche because laughter is presence.

    Practice not taking yourself so seriously and laugh more often. Really laugh. A deep, hearty, Santa laugh. Watch comedies, hang out with funny friends, go to a comedy club, read the Sunday comic strips, or play with your kids or your dog. With so many options, stress doesn’t stand a chance.

    4. Zone out.

    Take time to rest your mind every day. Let your mind shut off from having to process, apply, or interpret information. This means no TV, no conversation, no reading, and no problem solving.

    Take a break from the chores, from the duties of the day. Let the breath come and go naturally, and the eyes roam wherever they want.

    Look at the trees sway, the clouds float, the stars shimmer. Afterward, when it comes time to work, you’ll find focus more easily than before your mini-retreat.

    5. Control your media intake.

    Watching or listening to anything and everything just because it’s on doesn’t bode well for your psyche. Subtle opinions, biases, and judgments creep into your mind and embed thought structures. Oblivious, you then form opinions that aren’t your own, simply because you heard it on the radio.

    Start really paying attention to the noise that you let seep into your eyes and ears. Ask, Is this benefitting my life in any way?

    6. Get creative.

    As often as possible, connect with your inner child by exploring your imagination. Let curiosity lead. When it comes to opportunities to get creative, there are plenty! A few of my faves: puzzles, coloring, drawing, singing, dancing, and even making a meal from scratch.

    The point is to get lost in awe and wonder like you did at five years old. When you achieve that feeling from a certain activity, keep doing it!

    7. Exercise.

    Move. Sweat. Stretch. Get active and get your endorphins going! Exercise helps control your weight, prevent illness, boost energy, and improve your mood. It helps you sleep better, feel better, and focus better.

    Find an activity that inspires you to raise your heart rate—dance, yoga, martial arts, running, walking, whatever. If maintain some level of frequent activity, it will serve your health and well-being for years to come.

    8. Get clear on your priorities.

    To figure out your top priorities, list your goals, your motivations, and those relationships that matter most to you. Then rank them in order of importance to your well-being. These are the things, respectively, that you’ll want to spend the most time on.

    Evaluate anything that comes between you and your priorities—is it worth you compromising on what matters most?

    9. Do something kind for another person.

    The late Zig Ziglar said, “You’ll get everything you want if you help others get what they want.” Whatever we feel is lacking in a situation is something we’re not giving. And anytime we feel lack or longing, we’re out of balance.

    Sounds counterintuitive, but if you want to see more of something in your life, start giving that thing away—be it love, money, or attention.

    Make it a point every day to be kind with your actions, your words, and especially your thoughts.

    If you don’t feel genuinely moved to lend a helping hand or pass along a compliment, simply smile instead. That act alone is enough to improve your mood and clear the mental blockage between you and compassion.

    10. Let go.

    Since when does worrying get you anywhere? Release those useless, negative thoughts of worry. When we do this regularly, we drastically reduce the amount of “stuff” that needs our attention and depletes our energy.

    Drawers and cabinets are not the only areas that need tidying. Our minds are full of thoughts in the form of judgments, expectations, and fears that blind us from the truth. Try monitoring your mind and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You’ll soon notice a change in your entire outlook on life.

    Maintaining A Balanced Life

    Life’s full of surprises. We control how we respond to them, and the best way to strike a balance is to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Life’s unpredictable course is our opportunity to meet surprises with acceptance and grace.

    It helps to have an open mind.

    Your turn: What are some ways you find clarity, focus, and balance in life?

    Meditating man image via Shutterstock

  • How To Calm Your Worries by Admitting What You Don’t Know

    How To Calm Your Worries by Admitting What You Don’t Know

    Woman Arms Up

    “Most things I worry about never happen anyway.” ~Tom Petty

    There was once a wise farmer who had tended his farm for many years. One day his horse unexpectedly ran away into the mountains. Upon hearing the news, the farmer’s neighbors came to visit. 

    “How terrible,” they told him.

    “We’ll see,” the wise farmer replied.

    The next morning, to the farmer’s surprise, the horse returned, bringing with it three wild horses.

    “How wonderful. You are very lucky,” the neighbors exclaimed.

    “We’ll see,” replied the farmer.

    The following day, the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses. The horse was untamed and the boy was thrown and fell hard, breaking his leg. 

    “How sad,” the neighbors said, offering sympathy for the farmer’s misfortune.

    “We’ll see,” answered the farmer.

    The next day, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

    “We’ll see,” the farmer said.

    This Zen story demonstrates the wisdom of not jumping to conclusions. Have you ever worried about something, only to later discover that your worry was unfounded and untrue? The ego is afraid of the unknown, so it jumps to conclusions in order to feel a sense of certainty.

    In our ego’s need for certainty, we make assumptions. And when we make assumptions, we make mistakes.

    We can never know how the future will unfold. Yet fear convinces us to believe in present circumstances and future outcomes that are totally untrue. This is the origin of worry. Worry is the ego’s way of satisfying itself with an answer—any answer, no matter how irrational it is.

    I worry about many things, big and small. I worry about getting stuck in my career, being rejected in my relationships, not having enough money, and whether or not I will miss the next subway into Manhattan.

    But worry is dangerous. When we worry, we make mistakes. For example, I might make an assumption about you, such as thinking you are angry with me. Then I act on this assumption.

    The false premise of my actions causes me to become defensive. My actions then cause you to make an assumption about me. Since you are unable to see that I am trying to protect myself, you assume I am angry with you.

    Soon we are engaged in mutual anger based on a false assumption caused by worry.

    The truth is, I will never know fully what is in your head, and you will never know fully what is in mine. Therefore, acting under the ignorance of assumption creates a ripple effect of mistakes.

    Imagination + Fear = Worry

    It is common in our society to believe that more thinking is always better. This is not always so. Intelligence is an incredible tool, but over-thinking can be just as harmful as under-thinking. Over-thinking is a sickness that creates paranoia and worry.

    When we over-think, we make up scenarios in our mind and convince ourselves that these scenarios are true.

    Without enough data to make a proper assessment of a situation, our ego hijacks our imagination and jumps to fear-based assumptions. Imagination is usually a powerful creative force, but when imagination is applied with fear, it becomes worry.

    The Universe works in mysterious ways. Embracing the mystery of life gives us a calm within the storm of uncertainty.

    Instead of over-thinking and jumping to false conclusions, learn to relax your thoughts and say, “I don’t know.”

    Trusting uncertainty gives us peace and confidence; and when we wait in stillness without the need for an answer, the truth will reveal itself. The end of fearing the unknown is the end of worry.

    Worry is wishing for what you don’t want.

    Thoughts are magnets that attract our reality. Peaceful thoughts create a peaceful reality. Fearful thoughts create a fearful reality.

    A thought repeated on a regular basis becomes a habit. When a thought becomes a habit, it forms a belief. When a thought forms a belief, it attracts external events that align with your internal state.

    Energy flows where attention goes. When you focus on what you want, it is more likely to come to pass. When you focus on what you do not want, it is more likely to come to pass. When you worry, you send a signal into the Universe that attracts your worry. Your focus over time forms your future.

    Will a single thought of worry cause your worry to come true? Probably not. Will sustaining your worry with attention and focus over a long period of time attract the worry into your life? The more you focus, the more likely it becomes.

    Because focus forms your future, it is important to only concentrate on thoughts you want to actualize.

    Your reality grows from the seeds you plant. The seeds of your beliefs grow into your thoughts. The seeds of your thoughts grow into your actions. The seeds of your actions grow into your karma.

    You are responsible for the seeds you plant, not the results. When you place your attention on the present moment, without attachment to the past or worry about the future, and plant seeds according to your highest intentions, the results will fall into place.

    Worry is an irrational attachment to, or fear of, a specific result. While it sounds counterintuitive, the only way you can achieve a desired result is by not focusing on the result; you must focus on your effort—here and now.

    You cannot change what is already growing. Instead, start planting different seeds.

    We’ll see.

    I still worry. But now, whenever my ego gives me something to worry about, I take a deep breath and meditate in silence for a moment.

    I sit in stillness and reassure myself. “I don’t have enough data to understand how this event will impact my future,” I say. “Perhaps there is a plan in place that I cannot see. I don’t know what will happen next and that is perfectly okay. I will not jump to conclusions. Let’s wait and see what happens.”

    Woman and the sky image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Choose to Let Go, Stop Suffering, and Find Peace

    We Can Choose to Let Go, Stop Suffering, and Find Peace

    Peaceful Woman

    “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I’ve called it my “Epiphany Bubble,” and it might be hard to believe, but it’s my true experience.

    I stood on the lawn of our city’s hospital. The sun was shining down on our group of grieving parents. My belly was big with my third child, but my heart was still heavy with grief from my second.

    Jonathan. I’ve never personally known anyone whose entire life was surrounded by compassion and love, like every minute of his twelve-and-a-half hours in my arms.

    Although the summer of 2000 was a long, painful journey through terminal pregnancy, Jonathan had blessed my life in countless ways. I just hadn’t yet understood that.

    Our hospital had this gathering a couple times a year. Parents who grieved babies would come, enjoy some cookies and punch, and chat with other moms and dads who were coping with loss.  

    At the end, we always did the same thing—write our baby’s name along with dates of birth and death on a white balloon.

    As I wrote “Jonathan 9-21-2000 – 9-22-2000” on my balloon, I smiled a little just at the joy of writing his name. I gave my belly a gentle touch and said a little prayer for my next little boy.

    Then I looked to my left. There were three women standing together, quite distraught in tears, comforting one another. I, of course, knew why they were crying, but I was curious.

    I was curious about the dates. When I looked at their balloons, I saw dates reflecting years prior. Six, seven, eight years earlier. My heart sank. I wondered, “Do I have to be in that much pain years from now? Does this heartbreak never end?”

    And that’s when it happened—my epiphany bubble. I suddenly felt as though I was in my own space, and that the world had ceased to spin. Everything outside of my bubble was blurry, and everyone seemed frozen, when I realized…

    I have choice.

    I stood for a few moments more, and the bubble vanished. But its effect on me did not. Something now stirred within me—a determination to really heal, let go, and be genuinely happy again.

    At home I began to wonder about choosing how to feel about life and how to perceive all that I experience on my journey. I started to seek within.

    Through journaling, praying, and meditating, I felt a shift. I sensed guidance. I glimpsed a bit of inner peace.

    Some of my wonderings were a bit surprising, but I gave space to let them unfold. Rather than judge, I allowed them to come to me without logic. I also resisted the teachings from my childhood, which would have stopped them from showing me a new way to perceive Jonathan’s life.

    I wondered, maybe Jonathan is a guardian angel. Perhaps he will protect and look after his big sister, Sydra, and his little brother who has yet to take his first breath.

    I smiled a bit at imagining my sweet Jonathan, from some other place of being, guiding and loving his siblings.

    I wondered, perhaps Jonathan was meant to leave this life at a very young age, and perhaps this could have happened in a variety of ways.

    Would I choose for his life to be very short, spent in my arms, and surrounded by love and compassion? Or, would I choose to have more time with him, but risk something worse—have him be a child who I’ve heard horrifying stories about, children who are abducted and hurt?

    I felt a bit of trust at realizing that I don’t know how it all works. Life, death, and all the days between and following are a mystery, really. Maybe his life was exactly how it was meant to be, or perhaps it might have been more tragic.

    I wondered, could it be that Jonathan was my son for this short time to teach me?

    I reflected on the months we spent together—when I learned he was terminal, my decision to carry him, the long nights, the quiet moments, the countless tears and prayers, the painful delivery, and the hours I had him in my arms looking into his beautiful eyes three times.

    I relaxed a bit realizing all I had learned. I was a strong woman, someone who was willing to give all I had to another, a woman who remained hopeful and optimistic amidst a very difficult time. I was a woman who sent prayers and love to other pregnant women, asking that they not suffer as I was.

    I wondered, could Jonathan’s life have served purpose beyond me, our family, and my understanding?

    I thought about all the people who had surrounded Jonathan with love and compassion before and during his life. I recalled the many people who came to his memorial service, each saying how deeply he had touched their heart.

    My trust deepened. I knew Jonathan’s life, however brief, served purpose. He was a blessing, a sweet, little blessing, to many people, and I was the lucky woman who was honored to be his mom.

    Grief is nothing to be rushed. Throughout this time, I was gentle and patient with myself, honoring all my emotions, not pushing through them or stuffing them in the secret places of my heart. By doing so, I was better able to deeply heal.

    Grief is also nothing to cling to simply because it’s familiar. Although the journey had many twists and turns, and I needed to allow it to show its way, it is worth the inner work to let go and find peace.

    It is not just grief where we have choice. With all our life experiences—every emotion from anger to joy, from love to fear—we can choose.

    Allowing our heart and mind to wonder, taking time to feel it all without judgment, and seeking within for the path of letting go, this is the way to embrace all of life and peacefully enjoy the now.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Man with palm tree

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

    It was an ordinary school morning in a busy European city. I seem to recall it was spring, as my memories store the feeling of awakening after a long winter.

    I was seventeen and getting ready to go to school. Following my standard morning routine, which included eating my meticulously assembled breakfast, I walked to the tram station.

    The city I lived in at the time was situated in a beautiful valley, and the tram ride offered a trip to the hub of the city. My high school was downtown in the historical part of the town.

    I loved walking to the tram and even more, I enjoyed walking from my final tram station to school.

    There was something different about walking in the middle of old buildings that always gave me the feel of spaciousness, grace, and often mystery. It was such a striking contrast from the modern and mundane apartment buildings in the newly built subdivision where I lived!

    The city transport experienced some chaos that morning, as the typical short wait time between trams turned into almost a half hour.

    My tram station was really crowded, and I felt lucky I got in. As I stood in the tram that spring morning, looking outside the windows and barely noticing the grey high-rise buildings, little did I realize what this morning would bring for me.

    It seemed like an unusually busy day, and because of the delay, every tram stop had a huge crowd waiting at the platform.

    After five or six stops, the tram was packed like a can of sardines. I watched people at the stops nervously looking toward us, “the lucky ones inside,” as they likely contemplated how late they would be for school or work today.

    I really wished this ride would be over soon.

    The tram started moving toward the downtown area. It is quite a steep hill downward into the valley. This stretch of the ride was the most fascinating for me, as the green area framing my view just zoomed by like a wide line painted by a massive paintbrush.

    I felt lucky to be by the window and having breathing space in front of me instead being squeezed in the middle of the crowd.

    The green space, however, moved incredibly fast this morning, as if it was just flying by. Then I registered a sudden jolt.

    After that, it was very quiet. In the midst of this silence, all of sudden I heard a voice asking for help. It sounded quite frightened as it repeatedly asked, “Please help.” Who is saying this? I wondered.

    If you ever experienced no connection to the concept of time, this was it. After I heard the same voice a few more times, I came to a surprising realization. It was mine.

    This voice was coming from my body, yet I felt I was a completely peaceful self, compassionately watching someone who was frightened.

    Later on I realized the tram derailed and flipped sideways. I was saved and physically unharmed because I was on the “lucky” side of the tram.

    I continued the journey called life, but something unlocked inside me. In fact, I was “haunted” for years by the experience of my “peaceful self,” which had listened to my scared physical self.

    Needless to say, I continued to live my life for a few decades very often identified with my scared physical self but always wondering about my peaceful self.

    Who am I really? Who was the part of me that heard my voice?

    Fast forward many years, I encountered the presence of my peaceful self once again. Luckily, this time it wasn’t in an accident.

    After years of hard work establishing myself as an immigrant, learning a new language, and creating financial stability, I decided to end my job and step into unknown and uncertainty. I didn’t know how I was going to earn money; I just knew what I did before wasn’t part of my life’s purpose.

    My body shriveled with fear. My mind was racing with thoughts about my bleak future and losing everything I had ever worked for. Not only that, but this could have meant I wouldn’t be able to help family members that I had previously helped out financially.

    I remember it was a bright sunny day and I was in the office with my boss. The glass windows in the corner of the building surrounded us and lit up the space.

    I felt I was bathing in light. I was literally not able to speak. My mind kept saying: You can’t do this! And then it happened again. I heard a shaky voice saying: I decided to quit.

    Have you ever felt your chest opening up? In this moment, I felt as if a cave opened inside my heart. A wave of calm spread through my body. My peaceful self was there, watching and observing my scared self. I cried tears of relief.

    These days, I don’t even question my peaceful self. I just trust it’s with me everywhere, holding its arm around my shoulders and whispering: Trust. You are going to be okay

    And as I embarked on a life time journey of meditation reconnecting with that peaceful part of myself, I repeatedly remind myself that I am simply able to watch my frightened physical self.

    And so can you.

    Whenever you feel stuck in life and full of fear or desperation, remember that the big, real part of you is simply the peaceful observer that can watch the physical self. It can watch the fear, sadness, or anything that arises inside you. And it will watch it with love and compassion.

    We often experience pain when we associate with our thoughts and believe that we are our mind and our emotions.

    Do you have a thought that frightens or worries you right now? Simply say to yourself that you are noticing that thought. Say it at least five times until it feels more and more distant. Now you are coming much closer to being your peaceful self.

    My reconnection with my peaceful self brought so much more freedom to my life, and I believe it will bring freedom to your life too. Visualize it holding its arm around your shoulders and telling you: Trust. You are going to be okay.

    Man with palm tree image via Shutterstock

  • One Mind Live: Free Holiday Week of Peace & Customized Meditation Giveaway

    One Mind Live: Free Holiday Week of Peace & Customized Meditation Giveaway

    One Mind Live

    You’ve likely read about the benefits of meditation, and you’ve maybe even experienced them for yourself.

    Meditation can help you:

    • Reduce your stress
    • Increase your focus
    • Enhance your creativity
    • Deepen your sleep
    • Heighten your sense of presence
    • Improve your mood and overall well-being

    And yet knowing all these things, you may find it difficult to maintain a consistent practice. Even if you have the time, it be challenging to shut out distractions, shut off your brain, and simply be. I know I’ve struggled with this.

    It can be even more difficult because it’s usually a solitary pursuit—but it doesn’t have to be.

    Introducing One Mind Live

    My good friend Naomi Janzen, creator of the Remindfulness app and one of the experts featured in my Recreate Your Life Story eCourse, has recently launched a powerful new global online meditation site, with psychotherapist and spiritual teacher Naomi Carling and award winning composer Stephen Fearnley.

    It’s the world’s first and only weekly, live, guided, worldwide online meditation group.

    The site offers fifty-two unique guided meditations throughout the year—and it’s non-denominational, making it accessible to all.

    It’s easier than traditional seated meditation, in that it’s guided; it’s more enjoyable, with soothing music from composer Stephen Fearnley; and it’s more powerful, due to the Maharishi Effect, which essentially means that a large group of people having a spiritual experience together magnify each other’s energies.

    And perhaps most unique, every session starts with ten minutes of EFT Tapping with Naomi Janzen to put you in the ‘zone,’ so you don’t need to be in the mood to meditate when you start.

    Scientifically proven to alter brainwave activity, EFT (or “Emotional Freedom Techniques”) puts you in a state of relaxation, stimulating the release of anti-stress hormones in your body.

    While you can always access an on-demand recording of the weekly guided meditation on the One Mind Live membership site, there are five group replays—meaning six total weekly chances to reap the benefits of global group meditation.

    I’m a huge fan of Naomi’s work; I swear by her iPhone app for daily mindfulness and I’ve benefitted tremendously from EFT tapping with her.

    I couldn’t be more thrilled to share this new online community with you so you too can reap these benefits—and more.

    The Free Holiday Week of Peace

    While One Mind Live offers three membership options—including a monthly one that costs the same for four weeks as a single yoga class in many cities—you can experience all the benefits of membership for free during next week’s special “Holiday Week of Peace” open house.

    From December 24th through January 1st you’ll have free access to a powerful global meditation, with five group replays, so you can find a time that fits within your schedule.

    All you need to do is visit One Mind Live here and provide your email address; then you’ll instantly receive a free gift, and you’ll receive a reminder about the meditation on the 24th.

    The Customized Guided Meditation Giveaway

    If you choose to join One Mind Live after the free week, you’ll be entered into a giveaway for something very rare and special: a free, fully customized thirty-minute guided meditation, made just for you by Naomi, Stephen, and Naomi.

    It will include an original music score, ten minutes of custom, tap-along EFT, and a guided twenty-minute meditation based on the specific goals you have and issues you’d like addressed (after a consultation with the founders).

    You will be able to meditate to this MP3 as often as you like, and you can choose to share it with friends or keep it just for yourself. This is not available anywhere else and would cost thousands of dollars to commission.

    All you need to do to enter this giveaway is forward the membership purchase confirmation email from One Mind Live to OML@tinybuddha.com between now and January 31st at midnight PST.

    Whether you choose to join or not, you can try One Mind Live for free during the Holiday Week of Peace, with no obligation or strings attached (no billing info required), by visiting One Mind Live here.

    I hope you enjoy it as much as I have—and I hope you have a peaceful holiday week!