Tiny Buddha

Tag: Peace

  • Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we often get stuck in grief when something changes—a lay off, a breakup, or a transfer.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.

    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.

    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.

    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.

    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.

    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.

    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.

    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.

    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.

    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.

    I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.

    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.

    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.

    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.

    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.

    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.

    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job or the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.

    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.

    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.

    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.

    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.

    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.

    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.

    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.

    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Zen your now.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    The most important question: What do you choose right now?

    Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    Woman Meditating

    “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Presence. It’s something that used to be an absolute mystery to me.

    During my five years working in the fast-paced world of public relations, I was frequently running from one meeting to the next, nose in my cell phone, barely coming up for air and completely oblivious to the world around me.

    Little did I know, I was missing out on so many moments during my day where I could feel grounded, grateful, and present instead of stressed out and anxious.

    Today, life is much different. I strive to feel present on a daily basis, and while there are still moments where I’m challenged, I’ve found that with commitment and practice, it’s possible to weave small moments of mindfulness into my day.

    I love meditation, but mindfulness doesn’t always have to be closed-eyes, cross-legged experience, either. I’ve found it really helpful to tie my mindfulness practice to everyday activities.

    Here are five places where you can find presence as you go about your daily routine.

    Drinking your morning coffee

    It’s a fair assumption that we all look forward to our morning cup of joe—and as a Brit, I confess I am partial to a cup of tea first thing in the morning. This may not seem like the obvious place to create a spiritual practice, but it’s almost perfect.

    It’s one of the first things you do when you step out of bed and it sets the tone for your day. You can continue racing through this simple activity, if you wish, or you can set aside five minutes (set an alarm on your cell phone) and sit down with your coffee and just be.

    Leave your cell phone alone. Don’t check social media. Ignore your email. Just take in the flavors and aroma of your morning beverage and enjoy the moment.

    In the shower

    My absolute favorite morning ritual is a long shower, and it’s the perfect place to relax and be free. Left unchecked, however, this morning routine can provide a breeding ground for your mind racing through the day’s laundry list of tasks and ‘what ifs.’

    Bring your mind back into the present by becoming aware of the physical sensations of the water on your skin and the smell of the shampoo in your hair. Feel grateful that you have access to fresh, clean water. Breathe in. Relax.

    When you step out of the shower, you will feel rejuvenated not only physically, but in your mind and spirit, too.

    Commuting to work

    Traveling to the office doesn’t have to be a ho-hum activity; it can be an opportunity to fit in a mini-meditation. And granted, this does depend on which mode of transport you take to work and it typically fits a bus or train ride best.

    All you need to do is this—close your eyes and breathe deeply. It sounds simple, I know, but it makes the world of difference.

    If you’re driving, you will of course need to stay alert and aware at all times, so use this as your meditation. Turn off the radio, allow your thoughts to fall away, and simply focus on driving your car as you take in the sights and sensations around you. For me, driving feels incredibly grounding.

    Waiting in line

    Forever short on time during my PR days, I would rush to the bank during my lunch break and inevitably become stressed out at the sight of the long line. I would huff and puff, check my cell phone, and generally panic as I felt my heart rate increase and noticed beads of sweat form on my brow.

    It doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of feeling frustrated at the wait time, take it as an opportunity to relax. Look around you. Connect with your fellow human beings. Smile at the person in line next to you. It can be a simple and beautiful experience.

    During exercise

    I truly believe exercise is a spiritual practice, but if you’re attending a class at the gym after work, it’s so easy to let your mind race and mull over the events of the day and run through your to-do list for the evening.

    Instead, be mindful of which parts of your body you are working and focus on that. Bring your attention to your legs, your shoulders, the muscles in your back. Not only is this meditative, but it also helps bring focus to your workout and improve your form. It’s a win-win.

    —

    By applying these tips, you will invite presence into even the most mundane of daily chores. This not only transforms each moment an opportunity for stillness, it also helps you to be less stressed and more peaceful, no matter what is happening around you.

    Woman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • Holiday Love Challenge #4: Give Yourself the Gift of Peace

    Holiday Love Challenge #4: Give Yourself the Gift of Peace

    Tiny Buddha's Holiday Love Challenge #4

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • 4 Life-Changing Lessons for People Who Struggle with Anxiety

    4 Life-Changing Lessons for People Who Struggle with Anxiety

    Peaceful Man

    “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” ~Epictetus

    Sweaty. Hot. Shallow breathing.

    Thoughts barreled through my mind like a never-ending freight train. I couldn’t keep up. It was everything all at once, blurred into nothing in particular.

    I felt like I was about to jump off a cliff, nervous anticipation building into panic. My head was spinning. My hands trembled.

    Choking down a gulp, I forced the tears back that wanted to cascade down my cheeks in sobs. There would be time for that later. This wasn’t the place.

    My heart raced. I was on edge. I was on the edge.

    I’d catch glimpses of my thoughts as they rumbled through my brain.

    Impending foreclosure on our old house. The psychiatric hospital I had been to six months ago. Bankruptcy paperwork that still needed finished.

    The kids trying to make friends at their new schools. My wife playing with the budget for hours to make ends meet. Me falling asleep in my car left running in the closed garage.

    I was at work. I was having a severe panic attack. And I had to go home.

    Luckily, most of my anxiety attacks aren’t this severe. And thankfully, they don’t happen too often any more. Happily, this attack, which came out of nowhere and hit hard, disappeared as quickly as it came on.

    The longer I deal with and work to manage my anxiety, the more I find I can learn from it. This in turn helps me cope better the next time anxiety comes along.

    Here are some things I’ve learned about anxiety through my years of dealing with it:

    1. Anxiety is a lie.

    No matter how close to home anxiety hits, there is always a lie hiding in it somewhere.

    Maybe it’s based on a false belief. Maybe the problem doesn’t have to be dealt with as immediately as it feels. Maybe there are options we haven’t considered.

    But anxiety always—always—contains a lie. It might be big and in our face or it could be small, tricky and subtle. Look hard enough and we will uncover it.

    One of the most powerful tools I’ve gained through working with a therapist on anxiety is learning to look for the lie. It’s difficult at first; we have to sit with our anxiety and pick through it a little bit at a time, and that’s certainly not a comfortable thing to do, but if we’re careful and patient we can find the lie. Finding the lie takes the teeth out of the anxiety.

    And when we take the teeth away from anxiety, we can really begin to free ourselves. Anxiety needs a hook; it needs something to gnaw at us to keep it forward in our minds. By finding the lie and taking that hook away, we take away anxiety’s power over us.

    2. “Should” should be a four-letter word.

    Unreasonable expectations are, for me, at least, one of the biggest causes of anxiety. Some of the expectations I still struggle with are patterns of thinking that I can trace back to when I was a child. Because they’re so deeply engrained, they’re some of the toughest to get rid of.

    When I was a kid, I was pretty smart. Things came easily to me. I learned quickly.

    My parents, meaning to encourage me, told me I could do anything I wanted. And I believed them. And I started to expect anything I wanted out of myself.

    When you’re a kid, you can get away with that. If I wanted to do something, I’d learn it and do it, end of story. As an adult, things became more complicated.

    We can’t just want a particular job and make it happen. There are too many outside circumstances and other people involved. I should do that particular job isn’t just something that happens when you put your mind to it.

    When we start thinking about how we should be, we can really get ourselves into a trap. We should be this to that person and this when we do that—we’re just continually setting ourselves up to fail. “Should” doesn’t allow for any wiggle-room or compromise.

    “Should” can hurt us in other ways too.

    3. “Perfect” should be a four-letter word, too.

    I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so for me, being good at something isn’t good enough. I should be perfect, dammit! Please tell me you caught the “should” in that statement, right?

    Perfectionism is my old reliable. My trusty friend. My almighty hammer.

    The expectations that come from perfectionism can bury us alive. It’s a never-ending race that we’re never going to win.

    No matter how much I want to, I will never be the perfect husband, father, or son. The amount of anxiety I have felt in my forty-two years of life trying to be one of these three things is immeasurable. Think about how much time I’ve wasted worrying about being something I could never be.

    Perfect is such a damaging expectation, in any respect. When “good” or “just okay” will suffice in most situations, why do we torture ourselves chasing an impossible ideal?

    The truth is, when perfectionists start settling for “good” is when we really start to shine. We’re unencumbered by the restraint of high expectation and that allows us to work to really high levels—levels we’ve probably been failing to hit in the past.

    Anxiety comes about when we place these unattainable, perfect goals in front of ourselves. And our failures, which we will most certainly encounter, only serve to push us harder after our goals. Perfectionism becomes a never-ending cycle of anxiety and failure that we need to let go of.

    4. Anxiety is an ultimatum.

    The last lesson I’m taking away from this recent panic attack is this: anxiety always makes you an ultimatum. All or nothing. Black or white.

    There is no gray area when it comes to anxiety. Now don’t get me wrong, anxiety will hide in the subtleties of our doubts, but it will force us into taking a black and white view of ourselves, our situation, or our surroundings. Anxiety leads us to think that we’ve got only one choice to make.

    In my panic attack, I got overwhelmed by several different situations I’m dealing with right now. I am facing foreclosure on the house I’ve just moved out of. I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy.

    My kids are having to adjust to being the new kids at their schools since we’ve moved. We do have to be careful with our money right now. I am scared that I will have to go back to the psychiatric hospital again—or worse.

    But my anxiety attack turned all of these things into ultimatums for me. I felt like I had to resolve all of these issues at once (and immediately!) or the world would end. The fear I felt was so strong I was unable to think these problems through rationally.

    Once I did get home from work, I cried myself to sleep. Waking up, I could feel that the fear had left me. I was able to look at myself, the anxiety attack, and my problems in a clear-headed manner.

    What I saw was man suffering from anxiety, having been hit, but not harmed, by severe panic. I saw a man that was regaining his composure, a man who was moving on. I saw a man who was stronger for what he had just been through.

    Peaceful man image via Shutterstock

  • How Accepting the “Bad” Can Lead to Joy and Growth

    How Accepting the “Bad” Can Lead to Joy and Growth

    Man in Field

    “The main affliction of our modern civilization is that we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside us and we try to cover it up with all kinds of consumption.” ~Thich Nhat Hạnh

    Since I was little, I’ve been taught to avoid what’s “bad” and move toward what’s “good.”

    Growing up, my mom would work day and night not only to support me and my little brother with the basic necessities, but to give us a “good” life.

    She loved us, so naturally she wanted to support us and to give us happiness, and she was obsessed with the idea that if she grew her business we would all have just that.

    She went from selling clothing she sewed in our home to interested buyers to moving millions of dollars of merchandise, made by teams of sewers, to other companies who sold it for her.

    Everything was in an effort to help keep us away from the “bad” and give us the “good.” If anything, she taught us that money was definitely a primary focus (or so I thought).

    I learned to draw a clear distinction between good and bad, and that I’m supposed to react a very specific way toward one (sadness, anger, fear toward those things I didn’t want—the bad) and a very specific way toward the other (joy, happiness, feelings of peace toward those things I did want—the good).

    I lived so much of my life trying to minimize, even eliminate, the bad and amplify the good as high as it would go, following the example that was set for me.

    But I didn’t get anywhere.

    At certain points, things looked better for a time, but then something would happen and mess it all up. At that point, I was left with no energy to continue and wondering if it was even worth it to try.

    Oddly enough, we can have some of our most peaceful moments when we give up all efforts at trying to find or acquire happiness.

    Up until now, I’ve been talking about myself. But this isn’t just about me, is it? No, this is our story—all of ours.

    We’ve all been taught to avoid the bad and do whatever we can to attract, or move toward, the good.

    We’ve also been taught to react negatively to those perceived “bad” things and positively to those perceived “good” things.

    The thing is, good and bad are concepts created in our mind; they’re not reality.

    To divide reality in this way is what’s called “duality,” and it’s the misconception that there’s this imaginary separation between things that really doesn’t exist.

    It’s harmful to live by duality, to imagine that the sorrow we feel when a loved one dies and the joy we get when we smell a flower are separate and unrelated things.

    There’s a saying that goes, “Without the mud, there can be no lotus.”

    What this means is that without our suffering, without the difficulties and challenges we’re faced with, we literally wouldn’t have the capability to experience peace and joy.

    Our pain and suffering is the very soil within which the flower of our true potential can grow. 

    Five years ago I was filled with stress, anxiety, and fear.

    My first son was to be born in a matter of months, and I had no idea how I was going to support my family. I could barely pay my bills, let alone be an example for my son, having still not accomplished anything of value in my life.

    But by accepting my challenges fully and openly, with love and compassion, I became liberated. My mind became clear and my challenges became fuel for the fire of my love to burn and become bright.

    What initially seemed like a great challenge turned into my greatest source of motivation, the motivation to get out there and do something my son would be proud of. And in that moment, my challenges were transformed into great sources of peace and joy. The bad became the good.

    It’s because of the sorrow, the anger, the fear, and the regret, frustration, and stress we feel that we’re able to experience the joys that life has to offer.

    Pain and suffering and peace and happiness are literally one and the same, more of a spectrum than two separate and unrelated things. Without one, we wouldn’t have the other. Knowing this, you must learn how to accept your pain and suffering and transform it.

    We’re the lotus bud waiting to awaken to our true potential. If we can learn to accept our mud (our pain and suffering) openly, honestly, and compassionately, we can transform our very relationship with it and realize greater peace and joy.

    Sometimes, we do things we regret. Sometimes, people do things to us. And sometimes, things happen that will effect us for years to come, or our entire lives.

    No matter how you suffer, no matter what type of pain you feel, accepting it as the bed in which you will grow is a liberating shift in how you see the world.

    Many times, simply making the conscious decision, “I accept this suffering,” instead of running from it or trying to push it away as we’ve been taught to do, can bring us much peace and joy.

    This isn’t about some special technique or practice; it’s simply about that mental shift—making the decision in your mind to honestly and compassionately accept everything that comes your way, good or bad.

    You can use this simple mantra to empower you during tough times and to remind you to accept your pain and suffering with open arms:

    I see you here ______ (fear, anger, sorrow, stress). My arms are open wide. I accept you fully, with love and compassion.

    It’s with this pain and suffering that you’ll blossom into a beautiful lotus.

    Accept these challenges as opportunities for growth and you’ll realize the true peace, joy, and freedom that exists beyond the concept of “good” and “bad.” “Good” things happen when you stop resisting the “bad” and instead allow it to transform you.

    Man in field image via Shutterstock

  • Accepting Delays and Appreciating the Gift of Empty Time

    Accepting Delays and Appreciating the Gift of Empty Time

    Time for a Break

    “Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment… Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A few weeks ago I had a soccer game about a half-hour away from my house, in the middle of nowhere.

    Grumbling about the heat and the length of the game, I walked down to the field where my team was seated under a tent. In truth, I love playing soccer, but for some reason I was annoyed at how big a chunk of my day it took.

    “Hey,” someone said to me, “the game’s delayed forty-five minutes. We’re just going to sit and wait it out.”

    I walked to the portable bathroom, plunked my soccer bag down, and teared up in frustration. How dare the team, the sport, the world violate my time?

    I walked back over to my team, fuming inside. I thought about the homework I still had left, the near hour I could have spent writing or playing guitar or being quiet and meditative. But I was stuck on a dirt patch miles away from home, sitting in my soccer clothes, with nothing to do but wait.

    Then I thought of the radio show I’d been listening to in the car on the way there. It was about Taoism and the importance of accepting what exists and the natural order of things. The world, the host declared, is in itself perfect, and when we submit to the circumstances of the world we can find peace.

    Sitting there on the field, I forced myself to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the wind settle on my skin. For the first time, I was accepting the unfilled time life had offered me rather than fighting it.

    Meditating on the field was incredible. In that moment, I felt more alive and present than I ever have meditating in my own home.

    Unlike at home, I was submitting to the natural order of things and my reality. Rather than building time for meditation, I was receiving it.

    I don’t know a single person who doesn’t consider themselves busy. We live in a world of technology and mobile devices that allow us to be working constantly. Our biggest rival is time, and our most formidable fear is running out of time before deadlines, projects, and our own eventual demises.

    Because of the finite amount of time we have on this planet, I always thought of time as something I had to organize and maximize. I planned my week and activities so I could have large chunks of unstructured time to get things done. I avoided having short periods of empty time like the plague.

    The more I structured my time, the more stressed I became. I was frugal with my time like I would be with money.

    I was miserable in the face of rescheduling and spontaneous events. Everything the world threw at me threatened to destroy my entire week’s plans. The more I tried to maximize my time, the more I felt like a victim to time itself.

    The spontaneity of the world became my enemy. In trying to use every moment to its fullest, I had turned myself against the present moment and the natural order of things.

    That day on the soccer field changed me in a profound way. That day, I let go of my schedule, my compulsive need to structure my time, and my hatred of the ever-changing world. I embraced the moment that was given to me and allowed myself to be immersed in the time and space I occupied.

    I had never before recognized that I was in a constant battle against time.

    I now see this battle playing out every single day in my life. I get stressed whenever I have five minutes to “kill” without my computer or cell phone on which to do my homework.

    These empty moments threaten us because we don’t know how to accept the emptiness that life offers us.

    In all of our haste to complain about such moments, we miss the opportunity they offer us to tune into the world and submit to its natural perfection. We miss the truth: that every moment, not just the ones we set aside for meditation, can be used to appreciate and revel in the present.

    Emptiness is not evil. Emptiness allows us to breathe, feel, and accept the world as it is.

    Ironically, I always wanted more time in which to meditate. I felt like I could never find a chunk of free time in which to simply enjoy the present moment. Now, I realize that they are all around me, but I fill them with anxiety instead.

    If you’re tired of feeling like time is against you, worn down from all the frustration you’ve felt toward the world and the circumstances taking your time, you must back down from the fight. The world will always win.

    Fortunately, if you accept the world and the time you are given rather than rebelling against it, you also win. That is the perfection of the world: we benefit most when we let the world carry us.

    That is not to say that making plans and organizing your time are useless endeavors. It is important that, as a society, we continue to put time into our jobs and families. I am not preaching a breakdown of schedule, but an acceptance of change.

    Instead of using meditative strategies only in the comfort of your home or nature, find the beauty of the present moment in the time the world gives you to be still.

    Feel your weight in the seat of your car and the smoothness of the wheel in your hands when sitting in traffic. Close your eyes and feel your lungs expanding when someone is running late for a meeting.

    Spend those interim moments of inaction in your life being at peace with the world rather than grumbling at your watch. Those minutes add up, day by day, into all those minutes you wish you could spend meditating instead of sitting in the office.

    Empty time is not forced upon us; it is given to us. Empty time is a gift. Yield to it and accept it, and you will find yourself more in tune with the present moment and more accepting of life and the world.

    The present moment is a gift that we are always receiving. Our choice is whether to deny the gift and suffer, or open it and feel the world’s perfection within and around us in the ever-present now.

    Time for a break image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Priceless Gifts You Deserve to Give Yourself

    5 Priceless Gifts You Deserve to Give Yourself

    Gift

    “The greatest gift you can give yourself is a little bit of your own attention.” ~Anthony J. D’Angelo

    The other day, when I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday, someone asked about the best gift I’d ever received.

    What came to mind was getting my parents’ hand-me-down Corolla when I was sixteen. It was my first taste of being all ‘grown-up.’ I felt like my parents trusted me enough to give me the keys to go out on my own. It gave me a sense of pride and freedom.

    Aside from that, nothing else that was tangible came to mind. What stood out were the memories and the moments I shared with the people who celebrated my birthday with me. And the most memorable ones involved traveling or living in a foreign country.

    So this got me thinking—the best gifts you can give yourself are things that are priceless. They are a collection of moments and experiences that add depth and value to your life.

    Aside from a lifetime of adventures, here is a list of invaluable gifts you deserve to give yourself.

    1. Time to learn about yourself.

    In Dr. Meg Jay’s TED talk, she offers twenty-somethings a piece of advice—to invest in “identity capital,” something that adds value to who you are and who you want to be.

    I feel this point is applicable to people of all ages. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is to learn more about yourself.

    Give yourself the permission to explore and really get to know who you are. Discover what you like and don’t like. This will help you set your standards and boundaries, which are hopefully aligned with your values, so that you can create the life you want.

    Along the way you might find that things change. And that’s okay. It’s natural. When it does, recognize this and be mindful in your daily actions as you adjust to the person you are becoming.

    2. Peace of mind.

    Everything is temporary; nothing lasts forever.

    When you give yourself permission to befriend what is, instead of what you think it should be, you’ll realize that the best thing you can do is to focus on the present and count your blessings.

    There’s no need to worry incessantly, for you can’t control the future, or what others think for that matter. Most of the time people are self-absorbed, going through their own things, not even aware of how their actions and reactions may have come across to you.

    Worrying doesn’t accomplish anything; it only takes away today’s peace.

    When you are in the moment, just do what you can do. Sometimes it may be nothing, and it’s okay.

    Have faith that everything will work out for the best. After all, you have found a way to survive your ‘bad’ choices thus far. So going forward, why not trust yourself? You’ve got the proof that you are capable of more than you know.

    3. Time for yourself.

    We often put ourselves last on our to-do list.

    But it’s important to take care of your well-being and to recharge your batteries first in order to be at your best to give to others.

    Find ways to you nurture your body and nourish you mind. Take the rest you need to not burn yourself out. After all, you are the caretaker of your body and life. No one can do this for you.

    When you allow yourself to have moments to unwind, de-stress, and reconnect with yourself, you will be more productive, have more energy, and feel happier, which will result in fostering better relationships while reducing your stress levels.

    4. A chance.

    Give yourself the gift of following your dreams. Do what you love; do what is important for you.

    In order for you to live a fulfilled and meaningful life, you have to live it yourself. So don’t wait until it’s too late. Find the courage and willpower to live a life true to yourself, and spend your time doing what counts for you.

    I was once depressed and was lucky to find passion for life again.

    Through reading self-help books, following sites like Tiny Buddha, getting into yoga, and asking for help, I realized I’d been living someone else’s life . No wonder I was in a slump and unhappy.

    When I started to fall in love with life all over again, I was determined to start living on my own terms. And now I am giving myself a chance to do what it is I love, which is to help others whose lights have been dimmed to find purpose and passion again.

    As Wayne Dyer famously said, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”

    5. Forgiveness.

    “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” ~Unknown

    We often have a hard time forgiving ourselves for our mistakes. Instead of beating ourselves up, we need to appreciate the lessons we’ve learned from our unwise choices.

    Recognize that you did your best with what you understood back then. You are not defined by your past.

    The fact that you are upset and holding yourself accountable shows that you care and that you have reflected and grown from the experience. So it’s time to stop berating yourself and judging your actions.

    Forgive yourself like you would with a friend or a love one. When you forgive and let go of the guilt and shame, you give yourself the power to change your story.

    Last but not least, be your own best friend! Give yourself the gift of being the kind of person you would most like to spend the time with.

    When you catch yourself talking negatively, change it to a more positive and supportive voice. Be nice to yourself.

    You deserve it.

    Gift image via Shutterstock

  • Learn To Flourish When You Are Not In Control

    Learn To Flourish When You Are Not In Control

    Woman Throwing Arms in Air

    “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” ~Steve Maraboli

    On December 31, 2011 I experienced something I will never be able to blink away. I watched as my twelve-year-old daughter convulsed, turned blue, and stopped breathing on the floor of our living room.

    Time stood still. I heard my blood whoosh through my ears. I became a helpless observer. This simply couldn’t be happening to us; she was fine only a moment ago.

    I remember the exact moment when I realized that I was thinking that my daughter was dead.

    I will never forget that choking fear that everything in my life had just changed forever. Nothing mattered in that moment other than her. I begged her to breathe for me. I needed her to breathe. Fear dug in hard and wouldn’t let me go.

    After several moments of stillness, she took a very slow breath and then another. Her eyes were vacant and staring beyond me. Her arms and hands still twisted beneath her chin, against her chest. It would be hours before she would know who I was.

    Little did I know this was the beginning of an unimaginable journey.

    While I would lose her to a neurological conditional and medication side effects over the next four years, we would also learn and grow together, find happiness in the little things, and learn how to deal with the things we couldn’t control.

    She was diagnosed with Epilepsy within a few weeks. I was hopeful we could manage this and get on with life. We followed her doctor’s orders diligently, and I was meticulous with her medications.

    She had more seizures. We increased her medications. We changed her diet. I sought out alternative health practitioners and healers.

    Time had a way of slipping by, first in days, then months, and soon years had drifted by without me noticing. We went to the best hospital in the United States and we were told there was nothing more we could do. This was not what I could accept. Instead, I continued to hope.

    Her seizures increased. She couldn’t learn. She slept all the time. Depression and anxiety followed.

    Her medication side effects were brutal, and I didn’t even recognize my daughter anymore. Her beautiful spirit had retreated, held hostage there by the thirty anti-seizure pills she took each day. I knew I couldn’t give up on her.

    As her primary caregiver, I was sleep-deprived, anxious, terrified, and living in fear of the next seizure. She got worse, and I was drowning because I couldn’t control any of it. She required care, supervision and support that I felt I had no idea how to provide.

    One evening, I woke to find her having a Grand Mal seizure in her bed. I sat alone in the dark with her, crying, because I had nothing left to give. I had no way to help her. I had done everything I could and it still was not enough. I couldn’t change things.

    I crawled into bed with her so I could watch her breathe. Exhaustion settled over me, but I awoke with a shot of adrenalin when she began to seize violently against me. Again, I begged her to breathe.

    I crumbled in the fatigue and the stress and knew that something had to change or we were going to be totally destroyed by this.

    Surrender your desire to control.

    In that moment, I knew that I had to surrender my desire to control the uncontrollable. I had tried for four years to manage the things beyond my control. This choice got me nowhere and stole my energy faster than I could refuel. I was now absolutely depleted.

    I had to come to terms that I couldn’t control how long this beautiful child would have on earth. I could not breathe for her. I couldn’t watch her every single moment. This was not for me to determine.

    This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it made the greatest impact on my well-being, and ultimately hers, because I was able to show up differently for her.

    In fact, while focusing on my daughter’s health, my son was hit by a car while riding his bike. This was a wake-up call to me that trying to control the uncontrollable was nothing but an enormous energy leak.

    I couldn’t control the seizures, the side effects, or the memory loss. But I could control where I allowed my energy to flow.

    Shift your focus.

    I decided instead to shift my focus. I could control her schedule. I could make certain she got her medications.

    I could get her to doctor’s appointments and scans. I could be supportive and give her my time. I could help her see moments of joy. I could help her with schoolwork. I could be her advocate at school. I could give her more of what she needed between seizures.

    As I began to focus my energy on the things I could control, I regained some purpose.

    I felt more energized. My hope returned. I was less depleted and more strategic. I began to see new options and opportunities where before my fatigue saw nothing but closed doors. I felt a significant shift. I was spending my limited energy stores in a different way.

    Practice gratitude.

    The other thing I did was I began to practice gratitude.

    When you have something so massive pressing down on you, it becomes very hard to not be focused on that. We had been focused on her being sick. We fed the fears. We lived in anticipation of the next catastrophe. We forgot that we still had much to be grateful for.

    I began to look for things every day that brought me joy: the sun on my face, a warm cup of creamy coffee, or hearing my kids laughing in the other room. The more I looked for these lovely slivers of joy and hope, the more I saw them.

    Soon, I was focused on how blessed I felt and the joy that had always been around me but that I failed to see when I was looking the other way. Even in times of struggle, I continued to look for these simple things, and they were always there for me. I just had to decide to see them.

    What this personal struggle ultimately taught me is that letting go of what you cannot control is hard, but holding on to these uncontrollable things and trying to manage them is much harder. My energy was best spent on things that could bring me desirable outcomes, not on trying to hold the wind in an open hand.

    Our journey has taught me that I am in control of my thoughts, and when I pick my thoughts carefully, I can still flourish in challenging circumstances.

    Over four years has passed since this journey begun, and I am pleased to say that my daughter has recently enjoyed a couple months virtually seizure-free.

    We have begun to reduce her medications and introduced homeopathic medicine into her daily care. I am hopeful, energized and optimistic about her future.

    There is no doubt in my mind that had I not surrendered and let go of the things I could not control, I would never have had the energy and focus to continue our fight for a seizure free life.

    I know it is hard, but letting go of things you cannot control does not mean you do not care. It means you understand that letting go can lead you to a happier, less stressful life.

    Woman throwing arms in air image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Essential Practices to Enjoy a Stress-Free Life

    5 Essential Practices to Enjoy a Stress-Free Life

    Calm Man

    “Stress happens when your mind resists what is.” ~Dan Millman

    A troubling thought, isn’t it? That most of us are too stressed out to even sleep through the night. You try to relax and decompress after a stressful day, but all you do is fight with your frustrations and worries all through the night.

    As much as we’d like to, it’s hard to let go of nerve-racking tension. We get caught up in the notion that the world will stop turning if we don’t play our integral part. I know what a burden stress can be.

    When I graduated from college, I moved to south Texas armed with an empty resume and two wildlife degrees. Most wildlife jobs are seasonal. Depending on what was migrating or nesting or being hunted that year, I’d move all over the country working three months at a time. No sooner had I celebrated my new position when I had to dive right into my next job search.

    I didn’t have a permanent address. My home was furnished with whatever I could fit in my car. And I rarely got reliable phone service.

    I was surrounded by breathtaking outdoor views and the wonders of wilderness. But all I could do was stress out wondering where my next housing and paycheck were coming from.

    Eventually, I let myself enjoy everything I loved about nature. But first, I had to relieve the stressors that I dealt with. Here are a few pivotal habits that will help significantly if you’re dealing with stress in your life, too.

    1. Do work you love.

    Your job can be stressful. But not liking your job is different from not liking your life. It takes more than just an income to be happy and stress-free in your life.

    After college, I thought that if I got a job doing something I liked, I’d never work another day in my life. But sometimes the work you love and your job are two separate things.

    I love being outside. I enjoy maintaining trails and outdoor areas for others to enjoy too. It’s how I find solitude. But I realized that I wanted to do it on my time, not an employer’s. Eventually, I found ways to indulge in nature and keep up with the rigors of a demanding job separately.

    One of the best ways to de-stress is to do what you love outside of your job. Whether you indulge in a hobby or a business venture on the side, enjoy the fulfillment of doing something that matters to you.

    2. Take a toxicity vacation.

    Avoid people and situations that inflame you. If you cannot avoid them entirely, take a break from them and decide later if you want to invite them back into your life.

    Toxic people are like bad investments. They rob you of the hopes and dreams you worked so hard for. They’ve got a problem for every solution.

    Don’t waste another minute turning into a nervous wreck over people who stress you out. Instead, take time to relax and de-stress around the people who show you the support and respect they say they have for you.

    3. Declutter.

    Clutter leads to overcrowding. There’s nothing more stressful than feeling like you’ve lost control of the space around you.

    My friend Doronda stressed out over being alone in her forties. By herself in her bedroom one day, she got sick of doing nothing but complain about it.

    She started cleaning the mess under her bed. Pile after pile, she sorted and trashed until she cleared out what she called her “marriage space.” Doronda wasn’t just tidying up. She was reclaiming her space and deciding to stop stressing over dating. Not surprisingly, she met a man soon after whom she still dates to this day.

    Clearing away the clutter gives you a sense of expansiveness and spaciousness. When you feel like you have room to grow, you can relax and relieve stress around you.

    4. Find your voice.

    One of the worst ways to stress out is to hold everything inside. Get a creative outlet. Whether it’s through art, writing, dance, or music—express what’s inside you.

    One of my favorite excuses used to be, “But I’m not a creative person at all.” Using that line absolved me of ever having to risk looking like I wasn’t perfect. But using that line also silenced me. It kept me invisible, like I didn’t matter.

    Just because you’re not Picasso does not mean you’re not creative. It’s time to let go of the stress of feeling invisible and find your unique way to invent being heard.

    5. Just say no.

    Stop stressing yourself out with everyone else’s busy work. Trying to tackle everything that’s thrown at you is like trying to digest an elephant in one gulp. At the end of the day, all you’ve accomplished is swallowing an elephant.

    Don’t worry so much about what you “should” do. De-stressing is all about saying no to what’s not essential for you and yes to all that moves you closer to where you want to be. Address your priorities and say no to the rest.

    —

    Life has de-stressed for me. I’ve enjoyed the same home for almost ten years, I’ve got a job that I love, and I run a consulting business on the side. It took some effort, but I finally subtracted what wasn’t getting me near my goals and added what worked.

    Stress can rob you of your chance at happiness. When is that ever worth it? Do whatever it takes to practice a stress-free lifestyle. Wherever you get your income, fulfill yourself with work you love. Don’t put up with toxic people. Find your voice and be heard. You’ve got a lot of life to live. Why not enjoy it stress-free?

    Calm man image via Shutterstock

  • How Accepting Anxiety Can Lead to Peace

    How Accepting Anxiety Can Lead to Peace

    “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My unwillingness to accept my anxiety disorder (there, I said it, I have a disorder) results in panic.

    It results in waking up at night, heart racing, body tingling and trembling.

    It results in driving down the road in a thunderstorm thinking I am having a heart attack—but I just keep driving and talking to my beloved on the phone because “if I can just keep driving away from it, it will be okay.”

    Instead of accepting anxiety as a family member of sorts, I resist and resent her visits. She’s always forced into drastic measures to get my attention.

    When the panic and physical symptoms of anxiety start, I assign it to something else.

    My heart races and I must have a heart condition. I’m dizzy and I must have a neurological condition. If it’s not me I assign it to, it’s my children. My son has a horrible bruise; it must be Leukemia. Life is too good; something awful is going to happen to someone I love.

    It always happens just like this, I’ve realized recently.

    Anxiety shows up over and over the course of my lifetime, yet my expectation is that it won’t.

    Instead, I expect that I will always be happy, stress-free, compassionate toward others (but not myself), kind, thoughtful, smart, successful, fit, skinny, wrinkle-free—the list of things I “should” be goes on for miles. That word, “should,” is something that I need to eliminate from my vocabulary.

    I convince myself that anxiety can’t be the cause of these physical symptoms, because that would mean that I am something less than happy.

    Ah, there it is. Feelings other than happiness are bad, and I should (there’s that word again) be happy all the time; so therefore, if I’m not happy, I’m not perfect and I’m a failure. See how that works?

    Yeah, I see how irrational, uncompassionate, and unforgiving that is when it’s on paper, which is one reason I’m writing this. The other reason is because I realized I’m not being true to who I am without accepting this part of me.

    People who know me describe me as an open book. I would have described myself that way until recently.

    This is a part of me that I’ve hidden for years. I tuck anxiety away like that black sheep of the family and make sure no one, not even those closest to me, know her.

    I’ve been ashamed of my anxiety and I’ve realized that all along that black sheep family member just needed me to accept her.

    To sit with her and maybe give her a hug and say, “I see you. I know you’ve visited before. Feeling something other than ‘perfectly happy’ is a normal part of life and I should expect to feel anxious, worried, upset, or even sad sometimes. You’re here to help me figure out what feeling is really behind this anxiety and what actions I can take to feel better.”

    Recently, my children went out of state with their father for a week. This was the first time I had been that far away from them for that long.

    Every day I would wake with a jolt, heart beating fast, wondering why I felt so anxious. I finally realized that being away from my children and worrying about their safety was causing these feelings of panic.

    After recognizing this, I decided to focus on the fun things they were doing every day and how this trip would provide them great memories for many years to come instead of thinking about all of the “what ifs” associated with their trip.

    I see this recent epiphany as progress in my lifelong journey of self-acceptance.

    I am going to try hard to see anxiety as the gift she is, because every time she leaves, I’m a little more enlightened. I feel more capable of managing my anxiety and I realize that I am in control of my thoughts, not the other way around.

    I am able to be more compassionate to others when they are feeling less than “perfectly happy.” I’m able to dig a little deeper into what is causing my anxiety versus denying I have it at all.

    When I do that, I can develop a plan, which either addresses any legitimate concerns or dispels any irrational ones. It’s a lot easier than continuing along just being a victim of my own thoughts.

    The next time anxiety shows up, I’m going to try to embrace her visit so she doesn’t have to go to such drastic lengths to be seen and heard. I’ll simply say, “Oh, it’s you again. Come on in and sit a spell. We have work to do.”

    If you also have a family member named anxiety that’s visiting you more often than you would like, sit with her for a while. Think about why she’s there. What are your anxious thoughts?

    Write down any irrational, anxious, or self-defeating thoughts on one side of a piece of paper. On the opposite side, list any actual evidence that the thought is true.

    An example for me would be “I’m a weak person because I have anxiety.” To challenge that thought is easy—I can list 100 examples of how I am not weak, and have a hard time coming up with even one that proves my thought is true.

    Most of the time writing it down takes away the power of the thought and brings some clarity. If you do have a thought that’s true, figure out some steps you can take to address it. Put yourself back in control. Try it the next time anxiety visits and see if it shortens her stay.

  • The Simplest Way to Create More Calm in Your Life

    The Simplest Way to Create More Calm in Your Life

    Man Relaxing on Beach

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    This particular week, I flunked. I’d be lucky if you gave me a D grade in assessing my calmness.

    Generally, nobody can question my commitment to leading a life of less stress. I try hard. I try very hard.

    You might even be impressed with my healthy diet, my abundance of sleep, and my regular exercise. You couldn’t fault the careful thought and planning that go into my days and weeks. Hell, I can even claim meditation, mindfulness, and self-awareness as long-time, well-practiced skills.

    But some weeks you take your eye off the ball, don’t you.

    And I can’t blame any common stressors that predictably make life tougher: no illness or injury, no family or relationship conflict, no extra pressure at work or excessive financial strain.

    That particular week I failed because I didn’t stop. I didn’t let go. Too much rushing, too much on my mind, too much scheduled.

    And of course I was on edge, with that irksome and uneasy agitation that plagues you when stress gets the better of you.

    It feels unshakeable, lurks about robbing you of simple pleasures, sapping any joy from your day. Left unchecked it will escalate. We all know that stress may pass with little consequence, but let it go and go, and it mutates, into depression, anxiety, or destructive behaviors, ruining work, relationships or your health.

    Despite working hard over the years to build my repertoire of tricks and techniques to restore calm, on this occasion it was more luck than effort that turned things around for me.

    The surprising antidote arrived on the Saturday afternoon.

    Unplanned, Unexpected Calm (and How It Happens)

    “Tilt your head forward so that you’re looking down,” Claire instructed, and boy, did it feel weird. “Yes, it will feel strange, as though you’re swimming downward,” she went on.

    Ugh. What was I doing here? And why?

    Well, I had signed up my husband and I for a swimming instruction session—determined to choose a shared experience that he’d enjoy for his birthday rather than buying more stuff.

    But here I was near the end of a hectic week, with a very full head, stacks of unattended emails, and loads of washing to do. The swimming thing had seemed like a good idea at the time and I knew he’d love it, but maybe I could have skipped it, got some jobs done, and joined him afterward for dinner.

    Then it happened.

    Claire again: “Swim a short distance that you can manage without a breath, go as slow as you can, and try to minimize any splash. How does it feel, what do you notice?”

    I noticed I was beginning to feel better!

    She had my attention now, and with each instruction, she dragged me out of my head (with all of its worries and preoccupations) and into my body, full of new muscle, body-position and watery sensations.

    I let go and resigned myself to the present moment. And why not? The emails and washing were out of reach and my work worries would still be there when I got back to my desk. Anyway, in order to follow Claire’s instructions, I had to tune in!

    I had to listen and interpret her words with my body and my movements.

    Claire is a Total Immersion swimming coach, and this method of swimming is all about slowing down at first to improve the accuracy of your stroke: to get balance and movement right, in order that you maximize propulsion and minimize drag. It’s very mindful. It requires that you commit to the present moment and focus inward.

    Calm was upon me, hooray.

    Take a romantic view, and envisage the sensory experience of the cool and quiet of the water, the slow and rhythmic movements of the body. Or the simple science of it: the activity required me to engage my pre-frontal cortex, thus redressing the dominance of the stress-fuelled, and stress-fuelling, limbic system.

    Your Way is the Best Way

    The swim session reminded me of a lesson I’ve learned before, my pursuit of mindfulness and meditation. Many years ago after the traumatic loss of a loved one, I survived on yoga and walks on the beach.

    Even earlier in life, during anxious exam periods, I had a taste of it when I got some physical and mental relief from dancing around my room and singing along to Thelma Houston and The Pressure Cookers’ “I Got the Music in Me.”

    Some of my friends are also devotees of yoga and meditation, but many of them aren’t. They have their own way of getting out of their heads and into their bodies. Out of the angry memory trap of yesterday’s argument with the boss, or out of the anxiety-ridden imaginings of tomorrow’s tense family gathering.

    They find their way into the present moment and into their bodies via all sorts of sometimes forgotten, yet always relished activities, like surfing, guitar-playing, gardening, painting, baking.

    They rediscover and commit to these cherished activities, and learn as I did again in my swimming lesson, that they rebuild your depleted stores of calm and stop the ravages of stress.

    What is your calm-restoring activity? When was the last time you did it? Or is it time to take up something new?

    (It ought to go without saying that escapist distractions, like the game you play on your phone on the way home, don’t cut—they do nothing to bring you into the present, or into your body!)

    I’m certain you want more calm in your life, and I could give you a long, long list of ways to achieve it. But the simplest and best way to begin is to find your own way and commit to it. But beware.

    The trick to getting started on the path to more calm.

    Finding your way, your chosen activity, is not hard. Making it happen is harder. You must stop. You must stop and let go. Certainly, when I get it wrong, that’s where I go wrong—I don’t stop.

    You won’t find the time for it; you must make the time for it. Thank goodness I booked that swim session weeks before.

    You must stop and give yourself permission to let go of your troubles, even just for a short while.

    It won’t solve your problems, but it will, in the very least, ground you and let you feel better. And it will likely leave you better equipped to deal with your challenges.

    By all means develop your meditation skills and practice. But the simplest way to get more calm right away is to choose your calm-restoring activity, and make a time for it. That’s the trick.

    Calm will happen.

    When you struggle to get out of your head and let go of all that’s in there nagging at you, your activity is the way to go. And this easy indirect way of letting go is, happily, habit forming.

    You will get better and better at stopping. Better and better at returning to the present moment. Better and better at restoring calm.

    Thich Nhat Hanh said: I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.

    Hear, hear. I am renewing my vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free. I will do my best. And to that end, and especially when I struggle, I will make time to swim, or do yoga, or whatever it may be that will bring more calm.

    How about you?

    Man relaxing on beach image via Shutterstock

  • How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop)

    How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop)

    Man Lying in the Grass

    “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~Ram Dass

    I just returned from a four-day trip with my family. It was my own family of four (my husband and two kids), plus my mom, my two sisters, and my brother-in-law.

    It was great. We get along well and have fun together.

    And, it was four days with family.

    It’s a funny thing…although you grow up with your siblings, listening to and being influenced by your parents, you all end up so unique—different from each other and different from the adults who raised you.

    Of course we’re all unique. But our differences seem to be a little harder to accept or dismiss when we’re talking about family. These are the people you care about most in the world, and that usually means they can get under your skin like no others.

    We tend to have the most opinions about, and agendas for, the ones with whom we have the deepest emotional connection. Unconditional love and all of that good stuff aside, four days with family can be the perfect breeding ground for I-can’t-believe-she-said-that and I-must-be-adopted.

    A Shift in Understanding

    In the past, when I’d think about the frustration and annoyance that would come up around my family, it looked very real. It looked like it was definitely about—and caused by—them.

    I would have described it something like this: “Being around my family stirs stuff up. That’s normal, right? I experience some frustration, but it’s relatively minor. We get along great for the most part, and whatever annoyance there is tends to fade as soon as we go our separate ways.”

    Basically, it looked to me as if there was an actual issue with my family, but I was grateful that it was minor. I was good at seeing the bright side.

    Bright side-looking isn’t all bad. That was the best way I could see our “issue” for a long time and it served me. It kept me showing up and it allowed me to mostly enjoy our time together.

    But on this most recent trip, I was blessed with an insight that gave me a different understanding of the exact same circumstances.

    What I saw is that there is no problem with my family. There never was.

    We don’t have an actual issue. If you looked at us from the outside, you’d see eight people hanging out with each other. There is no problem.

    The “issue” I was feeling and attributing to my family all these years was nothing more than my own thinking. It’s just where my mind tends to go.

    My mind likes to tell stories and get quite overactive when it comes to my family. It’s been doing that for decades, actually.

    When I’m around them, my mind tells predictable, old tales tinged with frustration and fear, full of why-do-they-do that, and they-don’t-ever, and what-about-me. On this particular night, my mind was full of stories of how we should feel around each other, how we should be on the same page, how people should listen to me more.

    And those stories have nothing to do with my family. They have to do with my own unmet expectations and my own biased mind in the moment, not with my family at all.

    What a relief! The moment I saw this, the tension was gone. This may sound like a strange reaction, but I found it hilarious, actually, to see that I’ve spent thirty-some years in a mental dialogue about something that was never about what it looked to be about.

    The mental dialogue was the source of my angst all along.

    The Same May Be True for You

    The same may be true for you and your family, or whatever you think your outside “issue” is, as well.

    Part of why my insight had such an impact on me is that it wasn’t just about me and my family. It showed up as I found myself lying in bed ruminating about what someone had said earlier that day. But the problem wasn’t what they had said.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks that the rumination my mind happened to be doing was the only “problem” I had ever had.

    Your opinionated, personal mind is either being quiet or loud. When it’s quiet, it looks like all is well in the world outside. Actually, all is well on the world inside—the peace you’re feeling is your own inner peace.

    And when your mind is loud, it looks like all is chaotic in the world outside. Actually, it’s just a little chaotic internally, at the moment. It may have nothing to do with what it looks like it’s about. Or, as they say, it’s not what you think…it’s what you think.

    This difference may sound insignificant, but it’s been really huge for me. I thought I was getting off good by putting a nice spin on our family “issues.”

    To see that there are far fewer issues than I think—that often the main source of frustration is the show my mind is putting on in any moment—that’s freedom. When my mind gets tired or the show ends, it’s done. No issues to get over, just seeing thought as thought.

    You might wonder: but what if there is something that needs to change? The beauty of seeing how your mind ruminates and replays and creates problems is that when it stops doing that so much, you know if there’s something to do and you do it, drama-free.

    It’s like if you’re driving across the country with a filthy windshield. That’s kind of what an I-can’t-believe-she-said-that opinionated mind does—it muddies your inner windshield and taints everything you see.

    So going on a road trip with globs of dirt and mud on your windshield, well, that’s going to affect your judgment, right? Things won’t look as clear. You’ll probably miss turns because you can barely read the signs. You might mistake a town as “dirty” or “blah” because you’re seeing the windshield more so than the city.

    From a very busy mind that believes everything is a big issue to be solved, you’re not seeing clearly.

    You’re might try to intervene on things that might naturally blow over; and fear, self-doubt, or resentment might have you staying quiet when there is a place to intervene. You’re seeing from a dirty windshield so you’re not getting an accurate view of things.

    Seeing that your mind is constantly running what are essentially re-runs of this story about your family (or whatever your story happens to be about) lets you discount those stories. You naturally disconnect from them because you see the truth about them. That clears your windshield.

    From that place, you handle any actual problems you might want to handle calmly and peacefully. It’s a night-and-day difference. From a clear mind, you simply know what to do and you go about doing it the best you can.

    When you see that a gigantic proportion of your “issues” are caused by a dirty windshield, the windshield is wiped clear and anything that needs to actually be dealt with in the real world is dealt with. It’s as simple as that.

    I can breathe deeper knowing that. I hope you can too.

    Man lying on grass image via Shutterstock

  • How Meditation Calms Your Mind and Makes You Feel More Alive

    How Meditation Calms Your Mind and Makes You Feel More Alive

    “While meditating we are simply seeing what the mind has been doing all along.” ~Allan Lokos

    People around the globe have practiced meditation for centuries upon centuries, and it’s quickly becoming one of the most popular pastimes in the modern world. It’s one of the most effective ways to find inner peace, relax, and cope with stress.

    I’ve had my share of stress and troubles over the years. I remember one time, nearly eight years ago, when the stress and anxiety really got to me and made my life miserable.

    I was facing the prospect of being made redundant at work. The economy was in a bad way, money was tight, and my relationships were strained. I didn’t see any clear way out of the oncoming storm.

    The darkness began to surround me. Depression hit, and I began taking tranquillizers. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was apathetic and often vented my anger on those who were closest to me. On top of this, I treated my body poorly by eating junk food.

    All this was affecting my health, as well as my performance at work and in life itself.

    One day I decided that I could not live like that any longer. I had finally had enough.

    How I Turned My Life Around

    To begin with, I was open and honest with friends and family. I explained why I was so stressed and how poorly I was coping, and told them that I planned to change.

    I told myself that everything would be fine, that these bad days wouldn’t last forever; it was just a temporary experience. And even if I lost my job, sooner or later I would find something else. It wouldn’t be the end of the world.

    I joined a local gym and began exercising.

    I’d exercise three or four times a week after work, would eat fresh and healthy meals, which I’d prepare for myself, and would work a little bit in the garden behind my house.

    Work slowly began improving. I kept my job, and once again I felt pretty good.

    At the gym one day, however, I got talking to a guy about general health, fitness, and positivity, and he recommended meditation.

    I was sceptical at first. I thought meditation was something reserved for monks.

    Nevertheless I decided to give it a go, and eventually incorporated it into my daily routine.

    Meditation now comes as natural to me as brushing my teeth and showering in the morning.

    I’d like to share a few of the fantastic benefits that I’ve experienced with meditation in the hopes that maybe you could experience them too.

    1. Meditation helps you foster inner peace.

    As we leave our homes or belongings untidy and unmaintained for prolonged periods of time, they become dirty, grimy, dusty, and aren’t very pleasant to look at or be around.

    Now, imagine your body as an untidy room or belonging. Instead of dirt, grime, and clutter, however, you experience anxiety, stress, depression, and negative thoughts.

    We can pick these up from all sorts of locations, including things we see on TV or on the news, from people at work, from friends and family members, from stressful situations, and just about everywhere else in the world today.

    Rather than stewing over these situations, surroundings, and people, meditation teaches us to simply release the negativity. It won’t remove those feelings, but it does give us tools to be able to cope with them in a more effective way.

    The little things, even the larger things, don’t bother us as much, so we can remain positive, happy, tranquil, and peaceful within our self.

     2. Meditation helps you find more perfect moments.

    Rather than reacting to people and situations, you instead find yourself observing the world that is happening around you.

    Before meditation, I would focus on the negative energy and allow it to overwhelm me. Thanks to meditation, I discovered something amazing: that there is perfection everywhere around us.

    Instead of focusing on the negative, I found myself searching for the positive perfection in each moment. The faint smile from a stranger, the taste of my favorite meal, or even just the comfort of spending a few moments in quiet solitude all became more important to me once I could release the negative energy.

    3. Meditation helps improve your concentration.

    One great benefit of meditation is that it helps you vastly improve your concentration levels, which in turn will help make you far more productive.

    When you meditate, you clear your mind of distractions and instead focus on the act of mediating itself. Then after meditation, you’re better able to focus on what’s right in front of you instead of getting caught up in your thoughts, fears, and worries.

     4. You don’t find yourself bothered by smaller things.

    Say, for example, you drop your dinner plate on the kitchen floor and have to then clean it up. Rather than shouting, swearing, and stewing over the fact that you made a small mess, meditation teaches us to not get bothered by smaller things.

    Instead of feeling angry and sorry for ourselves, we simply grab a cloth and broom, clean up the mess, and get ourselves more food, without getting worked up about it.

    Meditation teaches us to not sweat the small stuff, and helps to really put things into perspective.

    There are people out there dealing with overwhelming problems. In the grand scheme of things, a little mess isn’t that big of a deal.

     5. Meditation helps to awaken forgiveness.

    Another great benefit of meditation is that it helps us let go of anger more easily so we can forgive and forget.

    When I was working abroad I fell ill and had to go back home earlier than I planned, so I took my payment and left.

    What I didn’t realize was that I was entitled to a bonus for my work. It wasn’t much money, but still, it was something.

    A few months later, I found out from a co-worker that “my good friend” had collected my bonus from my boss and did not give it to me when he came back home.

    I was angry and disappointed, especially since we’ve known each other since kindergarten and I trusted him. It was months before I started talking to him again.

    I’m not 100% sure how I would react to something like this today, but I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t keep my anger bottled up inside of me, as it is self-destructive. With the peace I’ve fostered today, it likely would be far easier to let go.

    We all have those moments where we say, “I’ll never forgive that person. Don’t they know what they’ve done to me?” What meditation has helped me to realize is that forgiveness isn’t about giving something undeserved to others. It’s about giving something that is fully deserved to myself.

    6. You begin to feel more alive.

    It might sound a little cheesy, but since I began meditating regularly, I’ve felt more alive than ever before.

    It’s as if all of my senses have been awakened simultaneously. Images seem crisper. Flavors seem tastier. Joy seems happier (if that’s even possible).

    I’ve found that I’m able to read people better, as well, both emotionally and physically. There’s this sense that allows me to detect if something is bothering someone or if they are having a brilliant day. It’s a beautiful experience that was entirely unexpected when I began my pursuit of meditation.

    Above all else, I’m more self-aware. I know what works and what doesn’t work for me. I know how to get the best out of myself, productively and spiritually, and it’s all because I took up meditation thanks to a fateful conversation I had one day at the gym.

    “Small shifts in your thinking, and small changes in your energy, can lead to massive alterations of your end result.” ~Kevin Michel

  • Forgiving Abusive Parents and Setting Ourselves Free

    Forgiving Abusive Parents and Setting Ourselves Free

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of physical abuse and may be triggering to some people. 

    “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Growing up in the seventies and eighties with Italian immigrant parents definitely had its challenges. In a family of four girls, I was number three. That in itself was tough enough. Never as good as the first-born and not as loved and protected as the baby. Yes, it was challenging.

    On the outside, one would think that we were a picture perfect family. Our lives were as normal as normal could be.

    Both parents worked. We had a beautiful house in a nice, quiet neighborhood. We all went to good Catholic schools. Had fun family vacations in the summer. Our parents entertained a lot, so there was always a bustling of activity at the house. Picture perfect, indeed.

    Unfortunately, Mom and Dad lacked parenting skills. Sure, they provided food, shelter, and the necessities of life. Compassion, encouragement, and love? Not so much.

    Behind Closed Doors

    My mom was cold and mean to Dad, and often to us. My dad was cold and mean only to daughter number two and me. I never liked my dad. He didn’t get us. He was always angry with us. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even like me.

    And so began the misery.

    The beatings started when I was ten and continued until I finally fled at eighteen years old.

    I ran away several times throughout that period, always returning simply because, as bad as the beatings were, I had a nice roof over my head, food in the fridge and great meals, a nice bedroom, nice clothes, and all kinds of other luxuries.

    So in exchange for all these lovely things, I took the abuse.

    I never knew when I was going to get beaten either, which was the worst part for me. It wasn’t always like I knew I did something wrong, though I’ll admit, I wasn’t an angel.

    More often than not though, it was more like, if sister number two did something wrong and she wasn’t around to get beaten, they took it out on me. I was always on my toes. I never knew.

    There were many nights I would be in bed sleeping. Dad would come home late from work, bust through my bedroom door, tear off the blankets, and whip me til he thought I had learned my lesson. The problem was, I rarely knew which lesson I was supposed to have learned.

    I can recall one incident when my parents had company over for dinner, a lovely elderly couple, a minister and his wife. I loved them so much. They were the sweetest people you could ever meet.

    I came home from a friend’s house, Mom and Dad and John and Sally (not their real names) were sitting in the living room having coffee. I came running in, so very happy to see them, and Dad had that look on his face.

    I froze. Omg, you’re kidding me, right? He’s seriously not going to do this right here, right now, in front of these people, is he? Yup. He sure is. And he whipped me right there. He had an audience and no one stopped him. They just sat and watched. And once again, I had no idea what I had done.

    I hated my father and lived in fear of him throughout my teen years.  Constant fear of never knowing when the next beating was going to be.

    Forgive and Forget?

    As I grew older, I tried to have more of an appreciation for him, but failed.

    I tried to gain his respect and love as I grew into a beautiful, somewhat successful woman. That didn’t work much either. I gave him a grandson that carried the family name. That seemed to work a little. He respected me a little more then and actually even supported me more. Finally something.

    I spent most of my adult years trying to forgive him, like him, maybe even love him a little. The forgiving finally came. Liking and loving, not so much.

    It was clear in my thirties, forties, and into my fifties that I simply did not like my father. Not one bit. Because of that, I lived daily with this monkey on my back. This thorn in my side. Guilt in my soul.

    It ate away at me constantly. Why can’t I just let this go? Who knew that forgetting wasn’t going to be as easy as forgiving? I always thought that once you forgave something, you just naturally forgot about it. Nope. It was clear to me it just didn’t work like that. Not for me anyway.

    Step Up to The Plate

    Years later, Alzheimer’s had struck Mom and it was time to place her in a nursing home. Dad was eighty-four and home alone. This meant only one thing to me. It was my turn to look after dad.

    Daughter number one and I had a schedule worked out. She was retired; I worked full time, so my *duty days* with dad were limited to two to three days a week. That’s not so bad, right? Wrong! It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I cringed every single time I pulled into the driveway.

    My job was to sit and have dinner with him and keep him company for an hour or two. I had nothing to say to him, ever. I could barely even look at him. I had no patience for him, and the only thing I felt was pity.

    He was a pitiful old man, sitting alone in a house waiting for people to come visit him, and all I could think was, “Good for you! You deserve this, you miserable old man.”

    I know, shame on me.

    Two years later, we finally placed him in a nursing home. My visits were few and far between. I was overcome with guilt. I should be visiting him more often, right? He’s coming into his last years now and all he wants is love and company.

    I just couldn’t do it. There was nothing left in me.

    I went about once a month, maybe every two months. Still cringing. My only thought was “Geezus, when is this old man going to die?”

    Pretty sad, eh? Here was the man that gave me shelter, food, clothes, money when I was broke, took me on nice family vacations every summer, and all I wanted was for him to get out of my life.

    Fake It Till You Make It

    I struggled with these emotions for a long time. How is it that I, Iva, the sunshine happy girl that sprinkles pixie love dust everywhere, could possibly be having and thinking these horrible thoughts?

    It took some time but I finally learned to rewire my brain. Think new thoughts. “Fake it til you make it if you have to” I kept telling myself.

    I realized it wasn’t going to kill me to show him some love. Some compassion. Show him something for goodness sake, Iva! So I did.

    I hugged him when I went to visit him and said, “I love you daddy” when I left. Maybe it was a lie, but he didn’t know that. That’s all he needed to hear. Someone to tell him they loved him. In his last lonely moments of his life, dad just needed love. And I gave it to him.

    I dug deep down as far as I could and gave him the love he longed for all his life. It meant little to me but everything to him. That’s all that mattered.

    Understand and Set Yourself Free

    When Dad died at eighty-eight years old, I cried tears of relief and closure. But it wasn’t his death that set me free—it was the choice to forgive and treat him with more kindness than he offered me. I knew then the pain hadn’t scarred me for life; I had taken that pain and turned it into strength and wisdom.

    I forgave him because I could finally see he raised me the only way he knew how. That’s all he knew—it was how he was raised—and I felt sad for him.

    Did it make it okay? No. Understanding doesn’t mean we condone it when someone hurts us. It means we understand. And understanding and compassion are the keys to forgiveness.

  • How to Get Started with Meditation

    How to Get Started with Meditation

    “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” ~Simone Weil

    It’s so easy in our busy, results-driven world to lose track of ourselves in a drive to address the needs of others. What with your work performance demands, evening dinner preparation, the Facebook post from a friend that requires your response before the sender gets upset… Wow, I’m feeling overwhelmed just writing about it!

    The world demands our constant attention, and we willingly give it. But what about attention to ourselves?

    Underneath every hood is an engine, behind any piece of artwork is the artist, and beneath your ability to respond to the world is your mental and physical energy stores.

    Have you ever said or heard someone say that you just “don’t have the energy”? Well, it may not be as metaphorical as you think. Giving attention to the ‘noise’ in your daily life takes energy, and unless you devote time to a restorative practice, such as meditation, your energy stores run low.

    So, if you’re like me and have nurtured the compulsive desire to cast the majority of your attention outward rather than inward, what happened? What was the result of your mental energy running low?

    After focusing most of my energy outward for years, I developed a series of self-destructive traits.

    I became short-tempered and negative, lost hope and mental drive, became ungrateful, introverted, and moody, lacked energy, and was in an unhappy and unproductive state for much of my day.

    All this changed when I discovered meditation. It was the dose of self-love and attention that I needed to recharge my emotional tank so I could determine what was important, get the most out of my day, and achieve the success that I wanted, not what others wanted from me.

    Aside from a mental recharge, there are plenty of other benefits that I’ve experienced from my practice, including:

    • Relief of anxiety
    • Providing clearer thoughts
    • Slowing down reaction to stimulation—being more patient
    • Increase recognition of compulsive behavior patterns
    • Gain in confidence and self-assurance
    • Increase in productivity
    • A happier, more positive outlook

    Meditation really is, in many ways, maintenance for the mind. Think of your mind as your car. You could put off changing the oil, thinking, “Well, if I just let it go another few weeks to save some money, it’ll be fine.”

    Yes, it could be fine, but chances are you’re going to keep putting it off again and again, since you’ve had no reason to worry so far.

    What you can’t see is that your oil accumulates carbon and wear particles, and undergoes degradation so that eventually, it causes a critical failure of your car. You haven’t given your car the attention it requires to serve you effectively, and as such, the poor oil quality has led to a ‘meltdown’ of the engine.

    Your mind requires similar attention—maintenance to keep it running effectively, efficiently, and without risk of a ‘meltdown’ (think depression or anxiety attack).

    How can you expect to access your true inner brilliance if you constantly have a mess bouncing around inside of your head? The key is to quiet the buzz with the attention your mind deserves through meditation, and let the quality thoughts roam free in the space that’s created.

    5 Foolproof Steps to Meditation

    There are many types of popular meditation practices, but the one that I use is a form of mindfulness and Zen meditation based on the book The 8-Minute Meditation, by Victor Davich. The following is a step-by-step guide that I use each and every morning, with excellent results.

    1. Clear your mind.

    As part of my morning routine, I like to perform stretching in the form of the yoga Sun Salutation sequence. This releases the tension in my body and enriches my blood with fresh flowing oxygen, which is essential for building strong neuron bonds in my brain. This assists in clearing my mind before my meditation practice.

     2. Get seated.

    You may think meditation is all about being cross-legged on pillows, surrounded by candles and the strong smell of burning incense. Not true.

    I find a comfortable, quiet place to sit normally and comfortably so that I don’t become overwhelmed with tingling in my legs, sore muscles, or anything else that may prove a distraction. My favorite places are either a flat chair or the edge of my bed.

    3. Set your goal.

    I use a stopwatch app on my phone to set the duration of my meditation practice at ten minutes. I’m busy, as I’m sure you are too, so I don’t like to sit and meditate for long periods of time. I’ve got stuff to do!

    I recommend starting out small at first. If you think you can meditate for five minutes, go for three instead. Picking a goal that lies below your expectations sets you up to win, which is important when building a new habit.

    After two years meditating, I find that ten minutes works well, and longer is even better (if you have time for it). You’ll achieve noticeable results at five minutes and above. TIP: Make sure your phone is on Airplane Mode to ensure you’re not interrupted.

    4. Relax into position.

    Once you’ve set your stopwatch, get seated and relax into position. Sit with a straight back, relaxed limbs, feet flat on the floor, palms face down resting on your knees. Part of meditation is creating a sense of grounding yourself with the here and now, so focus on the pressure applied through your buttocks and feet as they intercept the physical world.

    Do a few neck rotations and when you’re ready, start your stopwatch, gently close your eyes, and relax.

     5. Meditate. (Warning: Your mind will wander, and that’s perfectly fine.)

    In the early stages of developing your practice, be patient. You will likely encounter resistance from your busy mind as it rejects your attempts at finding peace. If you’re finding it hard to stay focused on your practice:

    • Pretend you’re cross-eyed and staring at the end of your nose. This is used in yoga as a point of focus, and it can help centralize your thinking, bringing it back to neutral.
    • Focus on your breath. Pretend you’re watching air enter your nostrils. Feel its cool, oxygen-rich presence as you inhale and exhale slowly and steadily.
    • Watch your pressure points. The pressure you’re applying to the physical world is another great focal point to centralize your thoughts. While you’re sitting, these might be the soles of your feet, the palms of your hands, and your buttocks. Notice how the pressure feels, and picture its integration with the earth to which you are intimately connected.
    • Picture yourself from above. If you find yourself caught up in a thought, practice pressing pause and then picturing yourself looking down from a high location, say from a hot air balloon. As you watch, place your thought inside a bubble, and watch it float up toward you, then pop it, making it disappear. In doing this you’re seeing yourself from an outside perspective, and removing yourself from the thought.

    You Need Self-Love and Attention; Meditation Is the Answer

    If you thought meditation was an airy-fairy thing that only spiritual people or monks do, think again. There are many successful people that have realized the power of a meditation practice in their daily lives, including Oprah Winfrey and Steve Jobs, and many more that attribute their success to this essential morning habit.

    Meditation will recharge your mental tank and give you the edge. It is a purposeful time in the day for you to focus on nothing in particular and in the process, give your mind some much needed time off.

    Above all, giving yourself attention through meditation is the only way to truly recharge your mental capacity and address the root cause of your destiny—your power of thought and decision.

    The silence will help you gain perspective on what’s truly important in the moment, and prioritize your time according to thoughts of success, not of mayhem.

  • How to Maintain Peace and Joy Despite Your Everyday Struggles

    How to Maintain Peace and Joy Despite Your Everyday Struggles

    Floating Man

    “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” ~Deepak Chopra

    For years I allowed everyday struggles, like slight disturbances from schedule, to steal my happiness, peace, and energy. Whenever something disrupted my plan, I got negative and started complaining.

    When I realized this, I began taking steps to accept the daily chaos. I shifted my focus to how I percieve my daily life and how I spend the twenty-four hours I get.

    I started asking questions, like: Am I being positive? Am I spending my hours in a way that’s productive yet joyful?

    And I began working on changes that enabled me to be at my happiest, most optimal self.

    Gradually, I was able to regain my lost calm and restore my lost energy.

    If you’d also like to experience more peace and joy in your days, these steps may help.

    1. Add fun to your daily chores.

    What are the most boring tasks in your daily routine? How can you make them more enjoyable?

    Minor changes like this can make a large difference in your day.

    One idea is to couple boring chores with more pleasurable activities. My favorite way to do this is by turning on some music while doing tedious tasks.

    Another idea is to plan fun-time as a reward for after work. Or, do a task that makes you feel accomplished just before you handle a mundane one so you’re in a better mental space when you tackle it.

    Completing your tasks in a more exciting manner enables you to have fun, while staying more productive as well.

    2. Be grateful.

    Once we start complaining, we keep listing everything, small or big, that frustrates us.

    Meanwhile, we ignore the good altogether, as if it does not exists.

    Recently, I was planning to meet with an old friend after not seeing her for a long time. But she cancelled the day before and said she was going out of town, so we wouldn’t be able to get together for at least a month.

    Because I was so frustrated, and fixated on this one thing that went wrong, I couldn’t enjoy the movie I watched with my family that day. I kept dwelling on how upset I was, which pulled me out of the moment.

    If you want more peace, stop getting into this vicious cycle of dwelling and complaining.

    The next time you find yourself counting the bad, stop to count some good as well. The good things you find might seem ridiculously tiny—like a shared movie with someone you love—but so are the complaints, if you think about it.

    Staying grateful keeps the negative balanced with the positive, thus preventing you from taking a glum view on life.

    3. Go slightly out of routine.

    When someone asks you what you are doing today, do you say, “Oh, the usual,” with a sigh? Or, do you feel excited as you count off things on your fingers?

    If you do the former, then maybe following the same routine has become too monotonous, and you could benefit from some unpredictabilty.

    Take a different route to your office, do something on the spur of the moment, or pick up a task that’s scheduled for later and finish it beforehand.

    When you voluntarily break your timetable, you can adapt better to the sudden changes that happen.

    Besides, If you finish an important chore, it will give you a sense of early achievement!

    4. Set aside compulsory “me time.”

    In our busy life, it’s easy to forget to take breaks. But working around the clock doesn’t necessarily make you more productive.

    Instead, it ends up making you more negative and reluctant to work.

    On the other hand, having something refreshing to look forward to makes it easier to get through even the worst of days.

    What makes you happy instantly? Include it in your compulsory to-do list.

    Enjoy some music, read a book, go for a morning stroll, or savor a cup of coffee. Anything that helps you relax can qualify as your “me time.”

    5. Take care of your mind and body.

    If we are not in our top form, mentally or physically, we get exhausted easily. We are also unable to deliver our best.

    You don’t need to spend hours in a gym, follow a strict diet, or be an expert in meditation.

    Here are quick examples of activities for a healthy body, wise mind, and contented spirit:

    Body: Go for a walk, eat fruit daily, and ensure that you get enough sleep.

    Mind: Indulge in quick mental exercises—solve a puzzle, do easy math, or memorize a number without your phone’s help!

    Spirit: Spend a few quiet moments with yourself—focus on your thoughts, think of the minor goals you accomplished, or recall a moment that made you happy.

    6. Cut down the negative sources.

    Spend more time with the friends who encourage you instead of the ones that make you feel low.

    Limit the activities that unnecessarily stress you out.

    When you need to face something negative, decide in advance that you won’t allow that negativity to leak into your entire day.

    I have a friend who used to put me on the defensive. I couldn’t understand why; she had a nice manner, after all.

    I eventually realized it was because she’s the kind of person who expects everyone to conform to the society’s views.

    She was actually being judgmental and criticizing, but with a disguised exterior. She was also coercing me into being like her.

    I used to get drained because I was constantly making excuses or giving explanations for my differences.

    When I understood this, I started spending less time with her and kept conversations general.

    Now, when we do meet, and she finds something to criticize, I simply leave it at “Oh, that’s just the way I like it” instead of wasting my energy trying to justify my views.

    7. Remove extra clutter.

    One of the reasons we feel so drained is because we focus our attention on too many things.

    Clutter doesn’t necessarily mean your posessions. Your clutter can be material, digital, or even emotional.

    Whatever it is, take a while to understand what’s occupying your space, time, and thoughts.

    Think deeply about what you really need and get rid of what you are uselessly holding on to.

    Go ahead and do the house/office cleaning that you’ve been putting off for so long.

    Limit your time on social media and utilize that time reading useful sites/watching informative videos instead.

    Or go even deeper—let go of the grudges and negativity and focus your thoughts in a direction that benefits you.

    8. Stop looking at the ideal things that could be.

    We all have things we don’t like and situations we want to be different. But if we can’t change them, it only ends up making us unhappy.

    Quit giving these external circumstances the power to affect your joy.

    Appreciate what is present, use the resources you have, and accept the few things that are not the way you want.

    I felt very lonely during the first year of college. I’d had to leave old friends behind and start afresh. I was okay with that—I’d always considered the possibility that we might go our separate ways.

    But I believed that I would make new friends—ones who were totally like me—to share my dreams and passions with.

    That was not what happened. I couldn’t find anyone I truly connected with, and I became hyperaware of how different I was. As a result, I felt shy and vulnerable, which further prevented me from getting close to people.

    Eventually, I got tired of being aloof. I decided to focus on the fact that I had good people around me instead of comparing everyone to the ‘ideal friend’ image I had.

    Accepting my situation didn’t change it, but it helped me appreciate others and gain true friends in spite of our differences.

    Utilize any opportunity you get, even if it doesn’t looks perfect, or you don’t feel ready to use it.

    Don’t expect things to be better; take steps to make them so. And when they are beyond your control, channel your thoughts into what you can appreciate about how things are and what you can improve.

    —

    A busy life doesn’t have to be a stressful life. By adding, subtracting, and modifying a few of our daily tasks, we can prevent the day from stealing our energy. Similarly, by fine-tuning our thoughts, we can find more peace in our days, months, and years.

    Floating businessman image via Shutterstock

  • Fear Can Only Hurt Us If We Let It

    Fear Can Only Hurt Us If We Let It

    Scared Boy

    “Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I lay in bed staring into the darkness feeling physically ill with an acute sense of anxiety the like of which I hadn’t experienced in quite some time.

    It felt like I had a soccer ball sized, black, dense object consuming the entire center of my stomach, causing nausea to ripple up into my throat uninvited.

    I knew it wasn’t that hot, with the air conditioning on full, yet my legs were sweating, as was the back of my head. I could feel the damp pillow under me and the bed sheets sticking to me whenever I moved.

    I cursed my own stupidity and replayed the previous week’s events over and over again in my mind as though under some illusion that the more I did this the easier things would become. As a coping strategy it wasn’t one of my proudest moments.

    You may think I’m describing some event from my dim and distant past. When the high stress of working in big-ticket sales would cause me endless sleepless nights as I fretted over deals missed and even deals made that may go wrong.

    But this was last month.

    Wind back in time to April with tax day looming. After I forgot to send some bank statements to my accountant she had to file for an extension to help avoid a fine from the IRS.

    I had put aside some money based upon what my tax bill was last year with a little bit extra. I called my accountant a few weeks later and asked her if she could estimate the amount I would owe.

    In fairness to her she was reluctant to do so, but the figure she gave me after much prompting had me punching the air in delight, imaginary high-fiving my dogs, and grinning like a demented Cheshire Cat. It was way lower than I anticipated.

    Shortly after, we got the confirmation that our best friends were coming over to stay for two weeks later on in the year. It was going to be the first time they’d visited in almost five years and to celebrate I suggested we go on a five-day Caribbean cruise.

    They agreed and shortly after everything was booked and I was chilled and thrilled. Then it all went wrong. Horribly wrong.

    No more than forty-eight hours later I got an e-mail from my accountant saying the final tax bill wasn’t what she had advised, but eight times higher.

    How could that be? I called her and she apologized profusely, but it was what it was and there was nothing more she could do.

    As I lay in bed that night I was cursing myself for rushing to book the cruise and for not making higher regular payments to the IRS as I had been advised.

    I have said many times, “I have no sympathy with people complaining about their tax bill, as they can’t charge you for what you haven’t earned.” In the early hours of the morning this was the biggest stick I had to beat myself with, and trust me, it was a very big stick.

    Stress, fear, and anxiety are all much the same thing. They all stem from a feeling that we’re not in control of life’s events. This stimulates the fight, flight, or freeze reaction triggered by the sympathetic nervous system, courtesy of the Limbic System in the brain.

    There was no way I could fight the IRS and I’m not sure where I would fly to, so I lay in bed frozen with anxiety.

    After several hours lying there listening to my own self-recrimination, I remembered to tell myself that it was okay to feel anxious under such circumstances. That it was a perfectly natural response to a negative event, and it was just a feeling.

    And fear is only a feeling, albeit a powerful one. There is no thing called “fear.” You cannot touch it, smell it, see it, or taste it. As with any emotion, you can only feel it.

    Also, we cannot experience fear if we are truly and congruently living in the present moment. Fear is always the mind projecting an inability to cope with a future event or situation.

    It’s not real per se. Fear itself cannot hurt you. It’s how you respond to the perceived threat that hurts you.

    Fear has a valuable evolutionary purpose in the survival of the human species because (for the most part) it stops us doing things that can threaten our health, safety, and well-being.

    However, the worst strategy in dealing with fear is to fight it by resisting. Or to feed it by seeking out the worst possible scenarios to relatively benign situations.

    I was doing both. I was feeding it by dragging myself through an imaginary court of stupidity in my own mind. At the same time I was also resisting it by telling myself I was being stupid to worry about such a thing.

    Finally common sense kicked in and I decided to observe it, to be curious about it and to drop the futile resistance that was only giving it more strength.

    I thanked it for its concern and reminded it that between the two of us we had dealt with every single-issue life has thrown at us for over half a century, and that we would deal with this also.

    I could feel the black ball start to slowly melt and the nausea subside.

    You too have dealt with everything life has thrown at you to date otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this post.

    There is nothing in your life you haven’t coped with and there is nothing you won’t cope with. Sure, there will be times when it doesn’t feel like that, when the fear demon is whispering in your ear that things won’t be okay and you start to let it take control.

    But, he is mistaken and the only power he has is the power you give him. Just hug him (or her) and say with sincerity, “Thank you for looking out for me. I know you have the best intentions, but everything will be okay. I promise.”

    Scared boy image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Powerful Mantras to Help You Deal with Fear and Anxiety

    4 Powerful Mantras to Help You Deal with Fear and Anxiety

    Peaceful Woman

    “Trust that, when you are not holding yourself together so tightly, you will not fall apart. Trust that it is more important to fulfill your authentic desires than listen to your fears. Trust that your intuition is leading you somewhere. Trust that the flow of life contains you, is bigger than you, and will take care of you—if you let it.” ~Vironika Tugaleva

    Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But a year ago marked my first full-blown panic attack.

    As is common with first-time panic attacks, I had no idea what was happening to me, landing myself in the emergency room several times and visiting numerous doctors before a diagnosis of panic disorder was offered.

    Anxiety can cause you to feel like you are dying. Rapid heartbeat, shaking, confusion, shortness of breath, a feeling of impending doom, and a sense of unreality are just a few of the horrifying symptoms of intense fear.

    Continually worried about when the next attack would present itself, I lived in a state of constant anxiety.

    I started avoiding all the places that could possibly trigger an attack, including grocery stores, social gatherings, and even my place of work. My life went from being filled with adventure to being very, very confined.

    Anxiety was literally trapping me inside myself.

    As my life spiraled out of control, I realized that I was doing anything and everything to avoid the fear. I was afraid of the fear. Instead of riding through the sensations, allowing them to be in my body, I was pushing and squirming against them.

    I knew I had to find a way to ride the attacks through.

    I started adopting mantras, words, or phrases that carry spiritual significance, to repeat to myself during intense moments of anxiety, and I found that my ability to handle the attacks grew. The mantras served as a vessel to carry me through the stormy waters.

    Here are some of the mantras I found most effective in leading me through fear and anxiety.

    1. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

    This phrase, originally coined by author Susan Jeffers, was a beautiful lesson for me in allowing the sensations of fear to live in my body.

    Whenever I would finally convince myself to venture out to the grocery store, I would immediately find my heart quickening, my throat tightening, and my vision getting blurry. As I walked down the aisles, all I wanted to do was bolt to the car and drive home to “safety.”

    But I just kept repeating, feel the fear and do it anyway.

    In other words, let fear be here. You can still do whatever it is you need to do with fear present.

    This mantra can apply not only to panic attacks, but any situation where anxiety may limit us, like starting a new job or moving on from an unhealthy relationship or talking to a stranger. Our initial tendency is to avoid these situations where fear arises. It’s so much easier to not accept the new job because we’re scared.

    But if we can learn to allow the sensations of fear to be what they are, we can do it anyway. We can do anything we desire, because we aren’t giving fear permission to stop us anymore.

    2. Other people feel this too.

    Often, I found myself feeling isolated and alone in my emotions and struggles. Here I was struggling to drive myself down the street without panicking, when the people around me seemed so at ease.

    But after adopting this mantra, I started realizing that whatever it is fear makes us feel—whether it be sadness, jealousy, guilt, hopelessness, anger, distrust, unworthiness—other people feel this too. Even when I am in the midst of a panic attack, certain that I am going crazy or about to die, I tell myself that other people feel this too. I am not alone.

    This mantra also evoked compassion and empathy. Instead of focusing solely on my own struggles, I began shifting my attention to all the people who feel this pain, too. My thoughts then morphed from Why am I suffering? to May all beings be free from this suffering.

    3. Commit to love.

    Fear is a very powerful emotion, especially as it overtakes your body and mind at unrelenting speeds. But love is even more powerful than all the fear of the world combined.

    When an attack threatened to push me over the edge, I reminded myself over and over to commit to love. I can’t love myself fully when I am focused on fear. I can’t love others fully when I am focused on fear.

    Often, I was so preoccupied with my fear that I couldn’t hear what anyone around me was saying.

    Committing to love meant being present when my loved ones spoke instead of silently planning my escape routes from the restaurant. It meant forgiving myself when I couldn’t drive as far that day instead of increasing my fear with worries of having a set back.

    If I can come back to love, over and over, the fear just doesn’t have as much power. Yes, it is scary and yes, it seems so very real, but we’re not meant to live lives filled with fear. If we can commit to love, however often we might need to remind ourselves, fear doesn’t stand a chance.

    4. This too shall pass.

    This a phrase I’m sure we’ve all heard a million times. But it is one of the most powerful mantras I adopted for dealing with panic and anxiety.

    Anxiety has a way of making us feel like it will last forever, especially during the intense moments of an attack. The fearful thoughts swirling around in my head—What if this lasts forever? I can’t handle this if it doesn’t end—only added fuel to the fire.

    By reminding myself that this too shall pass, no matter how awful it may seem, I was able to allow more space for the fear to live.

    This too shall pass, so I can handle it while it is here.

    Even during the worst attacks of my life, when I absolutely thought I was a goner, the whisper of this too shall pass echoed in the background. Every attack ends. Anxiety may linger but it changes. It morphs from one second to the next, which means that we can handle each second as it comes because it will all be different in another.

    Ultimately, a mantra is most powerful when it is a phrase that truly speaks to your heart. Maybe it comes from a book you happened to open, or a close friend’s advice, or a relaxing yoga class.

    Anxiety is not easy to deal with, but we can take some of the power into our own hands by shifting our thoughts from fear to love and light. Many blessings.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of Anger: Forgiveness Is a Choice and a Process

    Letting Go of Anger: Forgiveness Is a Choice and a Process

    Forgive on Stones

    “Forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning their behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting how they hurt you or giving that person room to hurt you again. Forgiving someone means making peace with what happened. It means acknowledging your wound, giving yourself permission to feel the pain, and recognizing why that pain no longer serves you. It means letting go of the hurt and resentment so that you can heal and move on. ~Daniell Koepke

    My father leaned back in his overstuffed recliner, eating the double-chocolate raspberry gelato I had just bought for him as he stared entranced at the television.

    His feeble body was bent over in pain and his feet were as swollen as sausages. A wave of sadness mixed with acceptance rolled through me and I felt peaceful.

    My father is slowly deteriorating from Parkinson’s disease, and at the age of eighteen, it’s a difficult experience for me to go through. Heck, going through death at any age is difficult.

    For years, my relationship has been very tense with my father. I used to have major “daddy issues” and held onto a lot of pain from my childhood.

    When I was younger, he wasn’t always the nicest man, especially when it came to disciplining. I can remember him screaming at me to get on the ground and do push-ups for back-talking my mother.

    His eyes were full of hate and anger, and for the next ten years I would hold a deep resentment for him centered around memories such as those.

    This past May, I graduated from high school and was faced with the path of choosing a school. I’m a very serious musician, so I auditioned at eight schools all over the country, and got accepted to six.

    It was a major accomplishment. But, as my anger continued to brew for my father and his health deteriorated, I realized that he wouldn’t be here much longer. If I wanted to make things right and receive closure, I had to act now.

    I decided to take a gap year to spend time with my father and take some much needed time for myself. Most importantly I wanted to learn about ultimate forgiveness.

    Giving up all those schools and scholarships was difficult, but what I realized would be more difficult was giving up the healing process I could go through right now regarding my past relationship with my dad.

    So here are three lessons I have learned from going through this process with my father. I’m sure I will learn much more in the year to come, but I believe I have learned some valuable lessons thus far.

    1. Life is too short to hold onto regrets.

    When a life or death situation happens, you soon realize that some things really don’t matter. I could easily hold onto resentment for my father’s actions, but you know what? I don’t want to be thirty-five or sixty-two regretting that I never made peace with him while he was still alive.

    I could wait, because forgiveness doesn’t require his participation, but why prolong my unhappiness? An added bonus has been my ability to enjoy getting to know him a bit from a loving perspective.

    2. Forgiveness is a process; it’s not magic.

    This is a common misconception. Saying, “I’m sorry,” and expecting everything to fade away and be sunshine and roses is ridiculous. You will be angry and feel those resentful feelings again and again. But, you have a choice.

    When you have those feelings, you can question them. Is it really worth it? Can you see it another way? Are these hurtful thoughts bringing you peace? I choose peace.

    3. Real forgiveness does not require two people.

    My father has no clue that I am going through this process or even that I have held some major resentment. If I felt sharing with him would help the forgiveness process, I would share. But in my opinion, it all has to do with me giving up blame.

    My, father, like many people, had a very hard life and abusive parents as role models. He honestly did the best he could.

    This is not excusing his behavior. However, I realize that holding blame just eats me up in the inside. I would rather forgive his behavior and look at how it has benefited me than hold resentment.

    I appreciate the sacrifices he has made for me and realize he was the exact father I needed for my self-growth process. If it weren’t for him, I probably would not have developed such a positive, meaningful relationship with my mother.

    I know his sickness will only get worse from here and I’m at peace with that. I’m happy that my sweet father is transitioning to a better place and am thankful for all of the life lessons he has taught me.

    Remember that life has an expiration date, which should push you to live the fullest every day. And it should be an even greater reminder to love deeply and always, always forgive.

    Forgive on stones image via Shutterstock

  • 40 Ways to Let Go of Anger Right Now

    40 Ways to Let Go of Anger Right Now

    “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha

    Anger is merciless.

    It leaves you feeling torn up inside.

    Your head pounds. Your jaw locks. And your muscles scream. Every inch reels in pain with the electric shock that shoots through you.

    You can’t eat, or sleep, or function like a rational human being.

    You’ve good reason to be afraid of unleashing that screaming monster of rage lurking inside you. You’ll likely lose control, lash out, and retaliate.

    Even though you have been wronged, you’ll end up feeling guilty, ashamed, even horrified by your reaction. That’s one more regret your peace of mind wouldn’t stand.

    But sometimes the person you’re enraged with is yourself. That’s a doubly painful blow of anger and self-disgust.

    Being angry is exhausting . . . and yet you’ve found the energy to keep it alive for months, even years.

    I have too. Oh sure.

    I devoted the first half of my life to being angry, silently seething, and ever resentful. I’d periodically explode in rage and then be consumed with shame for losing control and screaming words I could never retract.

    I lived on nerves that felt like they were constantly fried with 40,000 volts. That was a hideous way to be.

    And for the longest time, that burning fury that raged inside me seemed totally justified. All that bitter resentment, well, “what else should I feel?” my thoughts screamed. No chance to be a kid, no carefree years, blissfully unaware of some of the bad things that could happen in life. They were right there, every day. They stole my childhood.

    Growing up in an unpredictable, unhappy environment was the pits. I hated it, hated not being able to escape, and hated everyone involved because they were old enough to know better. They denied me my childhood.

    My anger was borne out of having had no control of those events; my resentment grew out of a sense of loss. Oh boy, bitterness is so corrosive.

    All that anger, all that resentment had to go for me to have any chance of happiness.

    So with a newfound rationality, I learned to listen to my angry thoughts. I heard the pain and sadness wrapped in every one. I recognized the self-harm my anger was inflicting. I realized I’d been the one keeping alive those events and people that had hurt me, and I alone had the power to decide their time was over.

    And that feels incredible.

    I very much want that for you too. To be free. To let go of all that resentment, anger, and rage.

    How? With one small anger-conquering action at a time.

    40 Ways to Let Go of Anger

    1. Look at your rulebook.

    If you never explained your rules to the person who angered you, how can you be upset that they broke them? Maybe their rules are different.

    2. Use aromatherapy to create a calm environment.

    Candles and diffusers alleviate stress and anxiety. Or try a couple of calming drops of essential lavender oil on your pillow.

    3. Buy a recordable alarm clock.

    Wake up to a soothing self-recorded message. Alternatively, use an app.

    4. Recognize that others say and do harsh things out of jealousy.

    Change your anger to compassion because they are obviously struggling with their own negative emotions.

    5. Personalize a keep-calm mug.

    Choose some anger-defeating text for your mug. Use it at work or home.

    6. Let your anger fizzle out with a bath-bomb.

    Relax in a warm bath as you watch the bath-bomb and your anger fizzle away.

    7. Quiet your anger.

    If you’re likely to fall into a rage when speaking up, say nothing at all. “Silence is sometimes the best answer.” ~Dalai Lama

    8. Visualize your anger as a drop of water.

    Close your eyes and see your mind as a crystal-blue ocean of calm. See your anger as a single drop of water falling into your calm ocean, barely causing a ripple before being absorbed.

    9. Create a universe of peace in your bedroom.

    Make a night sky with luminous stars and planets. Lie on your bed with the lights off, and pick a star to project your anger onto. Now re-focus to see the whole galaxy with your anger as a tiny dot among a universe of peace.

    10. Put your anger to bed.

    Anxiety and irritability are instigated by lack of sleep. More sleep can be as effective as conscious meditation. “Sleep is the best meditation.” ~Dalai Lama

    11. Take responsibility for your anger.

    Someone can influence your anger response, but only you control it.

    12. See your anger as a boiling kettle.

    Flick the switch to off as if you were turning off your anger. Let your temper cool down like the kettle.

    13. Look at who you’ve become.

    See how letting go will allow you to be true to yourself and finally at peace.

    14. Paint an angry mouth on an hourglass egg timer.

    Now paint a happy mouth on the other half. Turn your angry mouth upside down and watch the happy mouth fill.

    15. Understand that you are only hurting yourself.

    “Holding onto anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Unknown

    16. Recognize their inner angst.

    This is the real reason they acted like they did. Heal your anger by setting out to help them feel better about themselves.

    17. Blow up a dozen balloons.

    Write an angry thought on each one and step on them until they pop, leaving only the shredded remnants of your deflated anger.

    18. See your anger as a runaway horse.

    Imagine it trying to break out of your “mind paddock.” Rein it in.

    19. Use wise words to halt angry words.

    In confrontational situations, remember: “Speak in anger and you will have made the best speech you will regret.” ~Dr. Laurence J. Peter

    20. Wear a calming color.

    Avoid confrontational colors like red and black. Instead wear calming blue or soothing green.

    21. Have a calming message engraved on a ring.

    Avoid anger by playing with your ring and thinking of those soothing words.

    22. Use a mirror for self-reflection.

    Look in the mirror and let your anger out. “The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.” ~Unknown

    23. Shred a physical representation of your anger.

    Take those hurtful letters, print off those emails, or write out your angry thoughts. Push the pages through a shredder, and reduce your anger to tatters.

    24. Record yourself describing your anger.

    Capture your angry thoughts on your phone or computer. Listen back to this as if it were a good friend telling you theirs. Offer yourself the empathetic advice you would give a friend.

    25. Repeat a happy mantra.

    Regain control of your emotions by repeating, “I’m a happy person who does not see the benefit of staying angry.”

    26. Choose a positive, healthy outlet.

    Use feel-good endorphins to dispel anger by going for a run or singing loudly and dancing energetically.

    27. Express your anger to a friend.

    A supportive environment can be hugely beneficial in getting your emotions out safely.

    28. Use a self-hypnosis video.

    Hypnosis can help you get your anger under control. Alternatively, try a registered hypnotherapist.

    29. Shift your perspective.

    If you cannot change the events that have made you angry, change your perspective for the sake of your peace of mind.

    30. Take a soothing shower.

    Wash away your anger with calming ylang ylang or chamomile shower gel.

    31. Personify your anger.

    Imagine it as a fiery-tempered troll in your path. Push it away.

    32. Remind yourself that you have a choice.

    “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” ~Viktor E. Frankl. Decide that your response will not be anger.

    33. Keep this quote on you at all times:

    “He who angers you, conquers you.” ~Elizabeth Kenny. Repeat it to yourself when you feel anger rising, or pull it out and read if possible.

    34. Take a step back.

    In a confrontational situation, physically take a step back.

    35. Be honest with yourself.

    What are you achieving by holding on to anger? Is it a case of injured pride that you would really love to swap for forgiveness?

    36. Picture angry thoughts as bitter, poisonous seeds.

    Stop these from taking root in your mind. Instead, raise a happy, forgiving “mind garden” by populating your thoughts with anger-defeating quotes.

     37. Plant a garden of compassion.

    Take the idea above a step further with a flower border or window box. For your own well-being, plant a flower for anyone who has angered you to signify your wish to forgive them.

    38. Weed out your anger.

    When you tend your Garden of Compassion, picture each weed you root out as further uprooting your anger.

    39. Seek help to defeat your anger.

    If you feel stuck in a cycle of resentment and anger, consider taking a course.

    40. Laugh at your anger.

    “People are too serious. All the time, too serious.” ~Dalai Lama. Anger is sometimes just injured self-pride. It’s not easy, but try not taking yourself so seriously.

    Beat Your Inner Anger Monster for Good

    Being angry has stolen your happiness for too long.

    It’s eaten you up from the inside and shattered your peace of mind.

    It’s even affected your health.

    But worse still, it’s allowed the person or events that caused your anger to have power over you.

    Just imagine getting through a whole day without losing your temper.

    Imagine that seething resentment disappearing, leaving you feeling liberated of all those toxic thoughts.

    Imagine being able to react with forgiveness instead of rage and being able to respond by letting go rather than clinging on to old hurts and wrongs.

    By taking small, simple actions, you can take great leaps in beating your anger monster for good.

    Try to be open-minded in letting these ideas speak to you. Pick the ones that shout loudest.

    Put yourself back in charge of your emotions, your life, and your happiness.

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock