Tag: Peace

5 Beliefs About Anxiety That Can Make You Even More Anxious

“It’s okay to not be okay all the time.” ~Unknown

I never thought of myself as an anxious person.

But here I was again, staring at a computer screen in my office, so stressed I could barely type. I’d been throwing myself into work and I had crashed—hard.

And this wasn’t the first time.

Unfortunately, our mental image of who we think we are and who we actually are don’t always match up. But part of being human is that we learn to live with that, we embrace the struggle, and we grow.

Over the last five years I’ve had a number periods of high anxiety, often triggered by work-related stress. In that time I’ve realized that my beliefs about anxiety were unhelpful, and they often worsened the experience.

When I was able to let go of the firm grip I had on these ideas, I found that when anxiety came to visit, it didn’t stay around as long as it used to.

Here are five beliefs about anxiety that can make you even more anxious. If you recognize them in yourself, I hope you can let them go when they arise.

1. It’s not normal (or okay) to have anxiety.

When you first start to notice your anxiety, you might think it’s not normal. The feelings in your body will be so intense that when you look around at other people, who on the surface look so calm, you won’t be able to believe that what’s happening to you might happening to them.

But I want you to know something. You are not alone.

Though everyone’s experience will be different, there are dozens of people you’ll come into contact with daily who have probably had similar feelings.

That guy who gave you your coffee this morning, he had a panic attack before work. The girl next to you at the bus stop, she’s trying to calm herself down right now. The boss who yelled at your coworker an hour ago, he’s anxious that his own boss is breathing down his neck.

Anxiety is common.

Holding onto the (false) belief that what’re you’re experiencing isn’t normal only intensifies the problem by making you feel separate from everyone else around you. It keeps you in your head where the question “Why is this happening to me?” may circle round and round without ever finding a good enough answer.

2. I need to get over my anxiety in X weeks, months, years.

Putting strict deadlines on when you want to completely rid yourself of anxiety is never useful. But I used to do this all the time.

The role that anxiety is going to play in your life isn’t predictable—you just can’t know. Telling yourself that you must overcome it in a certain amount of time is just going to feed it. Once you can truly learn to accept that you don’t know when or for how long it will come to visit, you’ll notice it does so a lot less often!

3. I can use my anxiety as a motivational tool.

One common way we often justify our anxiety is through the cliché “I work best under pressure,” but what we’re usually doing is placing an unnecessary amount of stress on our bodies and brains.

In the long term, this can leave us drained of the necessary energy to prevent and ward off anxious thoughts. When you experience stress, don’t focus on doing more. Just ride it out, let it pass, and try to be productive from a place of relative calm.

4. The magic bullet cure for my anxiety is out there somewhere.

Overcoming anxiety is a process, and holding onto the idea that you’re just one more book, course, or technique away from the ultimate cure will inevitably lead to disappointment, and typically more anxiety.

Take it day by day and relish in the small victories, and over time you’ll make progressive but sustainable changes in the way you handle your nerves.

5. Anxiety is all in my head.

This is completely false, and an unhelpful way to look at anxiety. It’s an issue with your nervous system, so it’s just as much in your body as it is in your head.

Trying to think or rationalize your way out of panic can often be a losing battle. By seeing the mind and body as connected, and both as home to your anxiety, you can develop more skillful control over your thoughts and feelings and not get caught up in a maze of worry.

If you don’t already have a movement related practice, something like yoga, Qigong or Tai Chi can be really useful for improving your ability to calm your body.

I’m not yet completely anxiety free, but every year I cope with it better and better.

Make small steps every day, congratulate yourself on the little wins, and remember that you are not alone!

April 10, 2017
How to Maintain a Sense of Peace No Matter What Life Throws At You
“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” ~Unknown

Do you ever feel like your life is a rollercoaster?

One second, you’re on top of the world. The next, you’re down in the dumps.

For me, this feeling of going up and down began back in high school.

Before then, everything in life seemed like a test run. Sure, there were exams, extracurricular activities, and the usual social pressures. But now that university was only a few years away, things suddenly turned serious.

“These are the most important years of your life,” people would say. “Make the best use of them.”

And so, every single thing, no matter how big or small, seemed to have an amplified effect. If I didn’t do something right, my life was over. But if I did achieve a step in the right direction, my life was set.

When I applied for a leadership position that I thought was a good fit, I convinced myself that I absolutely had to get it. I read the leadership responsibilities diligently, practiced the same speech over and over, and thought about what I would do when I got the position.

The result? I didn’t get it. My life, as I knew it, was over.

Fast-forward a few years to university: I had decided by this time that I wanted to go to business school. My friends and I would talk about the application process and how to improve our chances of acceptance. With bated breath, I finalized my application and submitted it.

The result? I was accepted. Since the school had strong internship and job prospects, my life was set.

While I had fun, school was also incredibly stressful. Classmates and I would beam with excitement when we were invited to interviews, only to be disheartened a few days later when an offer didn’t come.

Later, I received an offer to work in a role that seemed perfect for what I was looking for. I was elated.

As you can probably guess by now, that feeling didn’t last.

It began to feel like no matter what I did or how much effort I put in, life was never a smooth path. Seemingly promising opportunities would lead me to obstacles in the way. Even when I did get something I wanted, it would lead to another stressful problem that needed solving. And so on it went.

After dealing with these emotions and thoughts for years, I felt exhausted. It felt as if there was no end to the tunnel. No point in time when I could just put down everything, sit, and enjoy the scenery for a while.

Eventually, I figured that it wasn’t simply the swirl of events surrounding me that caused my ups and downs. It was my perspective. I consistently attached myself to specific outcomes, as if my life depended on them, and felt devastated when things didn’t work out.

Sure, some of the things I experienced could easily make anyone feel the same way. Had I taken a different view, however, I wouldn’t have constantly psyched myself up and created these unhealthy emotions.

When I look back at what I thought were huge victories and setbacks at the time, they seem insignificant now. My life wasn’t over, as I believed it to be, nor was it set in stone. And truthfully, I wouldn’t want either.

I learned that no matter what happens, life goes on. Celebrations and challenges are a part of everyone’s life, not the be-all and end-all. With practice, I’ve started incorporating a sense of peace into my life by using some practices that anyone can apply.

4 Practices to Help You Maintain Peace and Perspective

1. Expect twists and turns.

Recently, I went on a long-awaited vacation. Soon after landing, I stepped off the plane relieved and excited to begin my holiday.

Unfortunately, my new luggage case arrived less than intact.

“Why me?” I thought. This was the first time in years that I had used the airport check-in, and my luggage was the only one that was damaged.

I realized then that I had two choices: I could let this ruin my vacation, or I could enjoy my holiday regardless.

I admit, I did grumble about it initially. But later I took the contents out and put the case out of view so that I wouldn’t spend my holiday thinking about it.

Unexpected events happen to everyone. It’s important to acknowledge them as a part of life and plan for them when possible. Even though I felt upset about possibly tossing out my new favorite luggage, I reminded myself how fortunate I was that I got to use it in the first place.

Thankfully, the airline ended up offering to get my luggage case repaired.

I realize some twists and turns are more emotionally trying than damaged luggage, and far more difficult to accept. But if we learn to expect the unexpected, we’ll spend less time resisting life’s inevitable curveballs and more time proactively dealing with them.

2. Look at the big picture.

Painful events and experiences happen to everyone. Sometimes, they’re so painful that it feels like nothing will ever take away the feeling of sorrow or hurt. But everything heals in time, and sometimes good can come from even the most traumatic situations.

A few years ago, a relative of mine lost her husband to cancer. It was devastating for everyone, especially for her family. At the time, it felt almost unimaginable that someone so close and well loved could leave so soon.

While he is still missed and thought of every day, good things have happened since then:
- A marriage and the addition of a new family member
- A stronger bond between the family
- The realization that it’s crucial to laugh and enjoy life while we can
So no matter how terrible something feels at the time, know that you have the strength to get through it. There will be many moments in the future, both blissful and difficult. And if you can survive one painful experience, you can survive the next one.

It also helps to remember that some of life’s greatest challenges end up being our greatest teachers. You may not be able to control what happens, but you can decide what lessons you choose to learn from them.

3. Practice self-care.

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?

Most of us spend our time running errands or doing work for other people, but rarely do we pause and enjoy a moment simply for the sake of it.

By constantly putting ourselves in stressful situations, we end up damaging our health in the long run.

Make time for yourself. Sit and listen to your favorite music, pursue your hobby, or meditate. Some of my favorite ways to de-stress include taking a walk outside and curling up with a good book.

When you take care of yourself, you feel more centered, more peaceful, and better able to handle whatever life throws at you.

We all need time for ourselves to relax and reflect on our day. Besides, I’ve found that taking breaks helps me to approach tasks with greater clarity and calmness than working all the time.

4. Practice patience.

Sometimes it feels like life is a constantly unraveling story. The only problem is, we want to jump straight to the end and see what happens.

For instance, sometimes I think to myself: In five years, will I still be in the same place that I’m in right now? If I choose to spend time working on this endeavor, will it eventually give me the results I want? Will the person I just messaged reply back?

We feel anxious when something in our life is unresolved—an “open loop,” they call it. It makes our heart rate go up and creates tension within ourselves, both of which are unhealthy.

It’s been difficult, but I’ve been trying to be more patient. To do this, I direct my thoughts and attention to things that are productive, such as focusing on the actions rather than the result.

When I’m patient, it becomes easier to deal with both celebrations and setbacks. Knowing that sometimes only time can resolve a situation gives me the ability to let go and be present. And it’s always easier to be peaceful when you’re living in the moment.

Feel At Peace With a Change in Mindset

We all experience disappointments and serendipitous moments. But if you’re exhausted from constantly reacting to the ups and downs in your life, it’s time to step back and reflect on how you respond to things.

Inner peace comes from appreciating life, with all its quirks and bumps. It’s about doing what you can, knowing that sometimes the path you choose will take unexpected turns.

The process of growing and learning can be challenging. It can be downright scary. But if you manage to weather the storms that come your way, you’ll come out stronger than before.
March 20, 2017
Inner Peace Begins When…

March 13, 2017
Don’t Let Someone Else’s Behavior Destroy Your Inner Peace

March 8, 2017
Limited Edition “Choose Peace” Shirt Supporting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

If this seems like deja vu, that’s because I first shared this post last week. I’m republishing it today because there’s one week left to grab a limited edition “Choose Peace” shirt.

A portion of the proceeds will go to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the nation’s largest non-profit dedicated to saving lives and bringing hope to those affected by suicide.

People often take their lives when they’re struggling with a mental illness, and their stressors surpass their coping skills. Many people suffer in silence because they’re too afraid, embarrassed, or resigned to seek help.

AFSP funds research to improve interventions, train clinicians in suicide prevention, and advocate for policy that will save lives. The organization also offers help and support for those who’ve lost a loved one to suicide.

As someone who’s seen firsthand the consequences of undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues, I couldn’t be more passionate about this cause.

You can choose from five styles—including a fitted tee, racerback tank, and a hoodie—with sizes ranging from XS to 5XL (for some styles).

Get Your Shirt Now!

Don’t see the button? Visit https://represent.com/tinybuddha to place your order. Have an idea or request for a future shirt? Leave a comment and let me know!

*This campaign has now ended, but I’ve since added this shirt to the Tiny Buddha store. You can find it at the bottom of the page here.

February 28, 2017
Worrying Does Not Take Away Tomorrow’s Troubles

February 14, 2017
Don’t Let Others’ Behavior Destroy Your Inner Peace

January 31, 2017
Prioritize Peace

January 29, 2017
Health Does Not Always Come from Medicine

January 24, 2017
Sometimes Peace Is Better Than Being Right

January 23, 2017
The Key to Peace: Let Go of What “Should” Be and Accept What Is

“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” ~Wayne Dyer

Many of my friends are getting married and engaged, and when I compare myself to them I feel that I’ve somehow fallen behind. I scroll through my social media accounts and feel that my life is not as exciting or meaningful as theirs.

This belief of inferiority moves me out of the present moment and into a turbulent stream of fear that I won’t live up to what I perceive others have lived up to, or what I believe I could live up to. It makes me feel lacking and empty in the present moment, even though the eternal now is overflowing with abundance.

Recognizing this, I decided to change my belief. I may be single, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me or that I’m not good enough to be with anyone.

It means I’ve been given the opportunity to work on myself and to understand my goals, passions, and purpose, as well as to develop other types of relationships in my life that are not romantic in nature, including the most important one of all: the one I have with myself.

When it is the right time for me to share with someone, I will share myself with him completely, and with a deep appreciation for the beauty and sacredness of such a relationship.

As long as I fully accept this and don’t feel insecure about it, there’s really no problem.

Feeling like I should change brings me down into the low vibration of fear, and that is not conducive to attracting or sustaining the nurturing relationship I want.

A boyfriend is not a trophy, and I don’t want to have one for this purpose. I also don’t want to be closed off to new romantic interests because I feel inferior for not having as many previous partners as most people my age, which has become one of my biggest barriers to being vulnerable.

As long as I fully accept who I am, insecurity falls away and I can be authentic with other people, including potential romantic partners.

Making this kind of shift in perception is not as easy as it sounds, but it’s the most important step toward developing self-understanding and ultimately, achieving self-liberation. And by that I mean placing your higher self in the driver’s seat with your ego-self as a passenger rather than the other way around.

Your perspective is powerful, and it is the prime cause of excessive anxiety and fear. When my negative, ego-based judgments fuel an unhelpful cycle, I lose sight of the present moment and shift into an obsession over how I think my life should be.

Often, our ideas about how we think our life should be come from other people. Others may be insecure or unhappy about their own life, so they judge ours to make themselves feel better, or they may genuinely not want us to make the same mistakes they did. Either way, they are seeing things from their own lens, which reflects their experiences, not ours.

We can also get stuck comparing our personality, skills, and progress to what we think other people have achieved—as I often do when I use social media—and then think we are lacking in comparison. But the people we compare ourselves to are on completely different paths than us, and in reality they provide no accurate benchmark for our own journey.

The only person to which we should ever compare ourselves is our previous self or what we’d like our future self to be. Doing this in a nonjudgmental way will help lead us toward growth. But if you’re cruel to yourself by being harshly critical, you’ll be more likely to become your own worst enemy.

Sometimes we need to be critical of ourselves, but it’s important to do it in a loving, compassionate way that seeks real, deep change, not in a way that debilitates us from taking any active steps.

If I’m harshly critical of myself for not having as much romantic experience as I think I should have by my age, I won’t be open enough to connect with others the way I want to. It isn’t the lack of experience stopping me, it’s my judgment about what that means.

But my past doesn’t have to mean anything about my worth, and I don’t have to see my present as something to lament.

What we call “lack” can just as easily be seen as opportunity for growth. If you see the present as a failure and merely the means to an end, it can make you feel like you won’t be happy until you have something more, and you set yourself up for pain.

That pain is an indication that your pattern of thought is not conducive to becoming your highest self, and it acts as a trigger for you to change and/or heal the aspect of yourself that needs healing.

When we move toward our greatest self, we clear all the blocks to the natural peace that exists in the present moment, in our hearts.

While I want to grow and expand my perspective, I also know that I am perfect just the way I am right now. Fully feeling this frees my energy so I can use it to achieve my goals rather than wasting it on worrying that I’m not good enough.

When I allow myself to fully feel the present moment, no matter what it may encompass, and accept myself just the way I am now, I begin to feel peace coming back to me. I could choose to think about all the things I wish were different, but all that does is make me unhappy, and it certainly doesn’t facilitate the clarity of mind and heart required for changing any of those things.

Often, all we need is a small shift in perspective to realize that challenges are opportunities and our greatest teachers.

Be present now and experience the complete spectrum of the human experience as it unfolds. Feel the great fullness of this life. All is as it should be, and you are perfect just the way you are.

Sit with your pain. Sit with your joy. They both serve you.

Learn from the past. Plan for the future. But live only in the present.

Do this and you will remove the barriers to clarity and peace of mind. As the great Alan Watts succinctly and beautifully put it, “The future is of use only to those who live in the present.”

January 18, 2017
The Benefits of Meditation: 10 Minutes to Peace, Clarity, and Focus

“Meditation teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.” ~Unknown

Do you feel overwhelmed at times? Or slightly lost? Do you struggle with anger, anxiety, or low self-esteem? Are you left with a mind that doesn’t seem to want to slow down?

If the answer is yes, rest assured that you are not the only one. There are many who feel the same way.

This is exactly how I felt five years ago. I was working hard as a musician, and I felt like I’d hit a brick wall. The harder I pushed with gigging, practicing, and writing, the more I felt my creativity take a dip and my overall happiness decline.

I remember feeling exhausted, and my life feeling heavy and serious. I felt burnt out, and the worst part was that the harder I tried, the more disconnected I felt. It was a classic case of burning the candle at both ends.

I was trying to be more creative and found that the opposite was happening.

Overwhelming, worrisome thoughts and feelings would arise, and I wouldn’t know what to do with them. One after the other, they kept coming.

I was very critical of myself at this time. I felt frustrated, stressed, and often, very low, with fear constantly knocking at the door.

I started wondering, “Am I the only one feeling like this? Why do I feel this way? What’s going on?”

Society had taught me that once I achieved what I wanted, I would be eternally happy. But I met people who had achieved their goals and amassed great wealth, and were still hugely stressed and unhappy. How could this be?

In Our Lowest Moment Lies an Opportunity for Personal Transformation

I recognized then that I was constantly blaming the outside world for things not going the way I wanted. I believed that life should make me happy. I slowly began to see this was far from the truth.

One day, I said, “Enough! Stop blaming other people and circumstances and take a good long look in the mirror.” This was hard at first, as a part of me still wanted to point the finger, but I knew this wasn’t going to serve or help anyone, least of all me.

I started reading a load of books, taking courses, and researching human behavior, covering topics such as psychology, self-help/development, emotional intelligence, spirituality, biology, and more.

After all this research, I realized that in order for me to be happier and more productive and have a better quality of life, I had to take a step back and realize that being busy isn’t cool, it’s a lack of priorities; that being stressed and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t the right path; that happiness is actually closer than I may have thought. The journey had begun…

An Inner Win to a Greater Outer Win

I have discovered that we can overcome our negative thoughts and feelings and deal with all of our challenges with a greater understanding and a sense of ease.

The secret is that first we must feeling centered within (our thoughts, feelings, and emotions), and then we can move to what our outer purpose is. This enables us to deal with challenges from a place of inner calm.

If the mind and body are working together, we have a much greater chance of knowing what we want and how to face it, rather than constantly trying to fill the void within with external gratification. External gratification can be beautiful, but first we need a strong foundation, anchoring our drive so that it can serve us and the people around us in an authentic way.

You deserve to live an amazing life. You deserve to be inspired. You deserve to be free and to live a life on your terms. And you can do all these things.

Transformation starts with ourselves, so in order for us to move into a happier state of being, we first need to be kind to ourselves, and to have a little bit of discipline and the willingness to awaken our greatest selves.

Creating Some Well Deserved Headspace

Imagine you’re watching your favorite play. During the show many different scenes occur; there’s a love scene and moments of anger, tragedy, and betrayal, along with a whole load of excitement.

Now, imagine that during the play, you run onto the stage and cause a load of confrontation because you don’t like one of the scenes and want to stop it.

Once you jumped up there you’d probably feel a little foolish, and might leave with your tail between your legs, feeling baffled and confused after turning and seeing an angry audience now wanting their money back.

Well, what if you viewed the mind in the same way? Let’s say you’re sitting at home, minding your own business, when an angry thought suddenly arises.

It may have a character and there may be a storyline within it—something that happened that bothered you or something someone did that upset you. What do you do? A lot of the time, we get sucked into our negative, angry thoughts and are left feeling worse than we originally felt.

We have metaphorically run onto the stage in our minds, and the angry audience is usually our close family or friends.

Now what if I told you that you don’t even have to go into the angry thought? You can simply watch it and let it play, like you would at the cinema or the theater. You simply see it, with little judgment, and let it pass. The seeing of the thought is the beginning of liberation.

This is one of the first major steps toward a healthier, happier mind. By simply seeing the thought, we begin to disassociate with it, leaving space for it to pass while we continue with our day.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness is the day-to-day seeing of the mind, called “awareness” in many circles. If we are mindful, we see our thoughts and let them come and go like scenes in a show.

By simply seeing the thought, we are then left with a choice: to let it go or hold onto it. We then need to ask ourselves, do I want to react angrily, or do I want to let it go and deal with the situation constructively?

Meditation is training for situations like these. This can simply be a ten-minute space in your day where you may sit, or a part of the day where your attention is focused entirely on what you are doing.

You may have already had moments like this when you exercise, when you are in an intense state of creativity, or when you’re entranced by a beautiful sunset.

You are focused, present, and not distracted. If we can develop this in our practice, we’ll be better prepared to handle challenges in our everyday life.

Meditation can be seen as a little woo woo. The thought of a bunch of monks in robes come to mind, or maybe lit candles, bells, gongs, and floating off to some eternal bliss. We need to let go of the clichés to realize how much benefit it really has. The value it can add to your life is immense.

Who Is Using It and What Are The Benefits?

Mindfulness and meditation have really taken off in the west, with major businesses, military centers, schools, and celebrities all getting involved. The big question is “why?” Why does a major company like Google have its own meditation rooms and courses?

Let’s dig a little deeper into the health benefits so you can see the potential of just taking ten minutes out of your day for your great self.

10 Ways Meditation Benefits Your Day-to-Day Life, Work, and Relationships

1. It lowers your stress level and improves your focus and attention.

2. It reduces worry, anxiety, and impulsivity.

3. It increases empathy and helps you develop positive relationships.

4. It can improve your information processing and decision-making skills.

5. It increases positive emotions.

6. It improves your memory.

7. It enhances your ability to set aside mental chatter.

8. It decreases feelings of loneliness and helps reduce social isolation.

9. It increases feelings of compassion.

10. It increases grey matter in keys areas of the brain associated with compassion and awareness.

Getting Started

What do I do? Where do I start? What type of meditation do I do?

I asked all these questions when I sat down to do my first meditation. There’s so much information out there, and it can be overwhelming at times, so I want to keep it simple and actionable.

First, find a comfortable place to sit; it can be a chair or the end of your bed. If you can find somewhere that has few distractions, that will be helpful. Next, close your eyes and begin to focus on your breath.

Write on your to-do list when you intend to meditate, or couple it with something you do regularly (i.e.: brushing your teeth, before/after a shower). This will help you make meditation a habit.

3 Tips for Once You Begin Meditating

1. Expectation

Don’t expect the mind to stop. The point of meditation is not to stop your thoughts, but rather to clearly see the mind with clarity and non-judgment.

Think of your thoughts as passing cars on the road or clouds in the sky. Remember, it’s a skill, so at first you may be a little shocked by how many thoughts there are. But don’t worry—this is perfectly normal. The mind will, with time, begin to free up a little and the thoughts will lessen. Ahh, peace!

2. Effort—Finding the Balance

We can’t force our mind to be quiet. Think about when you can’t sleep, so you say to yourself, “I can’t sleep,” and you start to try harder. What happens? Ironically, you struggle to sleep. So the idea is to have a nice amount of attention and focus but an equal balance of relaxation and rest.

3. Unveiling Happiness in the Now

Once we have a healthy balance of expectation and effort, we can then move to the realization of stillness. This is the realization that happiness is already here, in this moment now. This will become clearer once you are into regular exercises.

Rather than trying to create peace within, we simply realize it’s already here. This is one of the first steps toward internal mastery.

When Should You Do It?

I normally recommend you do it first thing in the morning, but that’s only if that works for you. Everyone has different schedules, so choose a time when you know you’ll have ten minutes free.

Common Road Blocks

Watch out for the classic excuses, such as “I don’t have time to do it.” Yes, you do! As Tony Robbins once famously said, “If you don’t have ten minutes, you don’t have a life.” If you want to awaken your greatest self, give yourself that well-deserved mini break, so when you come back to your routine you’re rejuvenated and ready for the rest of the day.

“I’ll do it tomorrow” is another classic, and it never happens. There is no time like the present, so just do it!

And finally, the ultimate excuse: “This all sounds to be good to be true; this will never work for me.” We now have so many scientific studies to back up the benefits, so give it a go, follow it along, and enjoy them.

Whatever the excuse may be, I promise you that slowing yourself down for ten minutes can begin to change your whole world dramatically.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t like a bit more peace, focus, and clarity in their life, and it’s all here for us, right here, right now.

December 25, 2016
How to Forgive When You Don’t Think You Can

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~Steve Maraboli

Have you ever had a relationship, friendship, or marriage that ended so badly it took years, a decade, or even longer to heal? Have you ever wished you could forgive someone but just didn’t think it was possible?

Fifteen years ago I was twenty-six and in a relationship with a man that was destructive. After an intense romance in his home country, I made the poor decision that he should come to live with me in San Francisco—a decision that, in hindsight, was immature.

Three months and one visa sponsorship later, we were living together and immediately fell into the challenges of modern day multicultural relationships.

Aside from the fact that my boyfriend was jealous, obsessive, and immature—a trait I hadn’t seen clearly in the beginning—he couldn’t work legally, we didn’t have a common fluent language between us, and he was far away from his family for the first time in his life.

The worst and most difficult part, however, were our cultural differences. My boyfriend was jealous, obsessive, and controlling, whereas I was a young, driven, independent woman.

He would become despondent, accusatory, suspicious, and sometimes even fly into a jealous rage whenever I left the house.

Our relationship became emotionally abusive, yet I was scared to leave. He was financially dependent on me, he couldn’t work and didn’t have anywhere else to go, and he didn’t have any family in the United States.

I was riddled with guilt and felt horrible, because I had brought him to the US and felt responsible for him.

After a year of struggle, he moved out and I settled into numbness, not wanting to begin to unearth the emotions that needed to be processed in order to recover. I was emotionally scarred and suffered years of nightmares.

Time passed and I pushed the hatred in my heart deeply out of awareness. We never spoke, until a few years ago.

I had just been through a traumatic family experience, and had begun a Metta, or loving-kindness, practice as a means of understanding the circumstances taking place in my life. Surprisingly, the practice enabled me to find forgiveness in my heart for my ex-boyfriend.

Metta is a traditional Buddhist tool for cultivating loving-kindness. In the practice, we sit as if in meditation and let the energy of love into our hearts.

We repeat a mantra in which we hold in mind a life without danger, with mental and physical happiness and ease of well-being.

We start by imagining happiness and compassion for ourselves, and then, progressively, we extend love out into the world, to a benefactor, a friend, a neutral person, a difficult person, groups of people, and finally to all beings.

I sat in the Metta practice for ten minutes daily, and I picked my ex-boyfriend as my “difficult person.”

At first I had difficulty when I held him in mind and wished him a life of happiness and well-being, as I didn’t really feel he deserved that. However, over time it became easier and my resistance subsided.

One day, after about a month of the practice, I was sitting at my computer and on a whim decided to look him up on Facebook. I looked at some pictures of him rock climbing, and a smile came to my lips.

I saw some images he had posted, of cliffs, mountains, and people bouldering, and by and by I came across a girl, a baby a few months old, words of congratulations, a graduation, and more congratulations.

Lots of memories came flooding back, and this time I didn’t block them out. I remembered our tears, his pain at losing me, the very different places we had been at in our lives during the time we were together, how naive and young we both had been.

I came to the realization that I had as much to forgive myself for during that time as I did him. The tears brought about relief and then happiness, as I found myself truly happy for all of the good things that had come to him after we parted, evidenced by what I saw on Facebook.

Then some good memories came to me; I had blocked them out over years of resentment and the inability to see anything good in him.

I remembered what he had given me, how he had opened my eyes to a new culture, helped me explore a new country, revived my love of the outdoors, and supported me during my foibles with Spanish.

An image flashed through my mind of a day we finished a pitch on a long climb in Yosemite, and I remembered that day with true and genuine fondness.

This experience moved me and was the final step in my full healing from the wounds of many years before.

Letting go of my negativity and resentment toward him brought about a lightness. He no longer appears in my dreams; I am able to look at everything that happened as a learning experience.

The Metta practice served as a tool for me to discover the compassion in my heart, for him but mostly for myself, enabling the pain to surface, be processed, and dissolve.

How can we use the healing power of loving-kindness in our daily lives? Especially when we don’t feel ready to forgive, when the effects of abuse go too deep, or when we simply don’t feel the other person deserves to be forgiven?

Like the Metta Practice, there are tools we can use to overcome our own blocks to forgiveness, even when our minds and hearts aren’t ready.

Here are some tips to remember:

We are the primary beneficiaries of the practice.

Despite the fact that during the Metta practice we focus on others, we are always the primary beneficiaries of our efforts.

We can forgive someone and it doesn’t require getting in touch with that person or making them aware of what we are doing in any way. Just as when we hold hatred in our hearts we are the ones who suffer from it, when we find love in our hearts we benefit.

It is best to start by cultivating love and compassion for someone we already love.

Often the easiest place to start is not with ourselves but with someone for whom we already feel great love—a child, a dear friend, someone we admire or who has helped us in our lives.

Even if we never extend our practice beyond this point, we already reap the rewards of the process itself. We are the ones who feel the great energy in the heart when we focus on our true desire for another to be happy and free from physical and mental pain.

We must forgive ourselves for not being willing to forgive.

Some human experiences are simply so destructive, some abuse so acute that we may not have the energy to process it. In this case, we can still benefit from forgiving ourselves for whatever negativity we hold toward ourselves for not being able to forgive or fully let go of the pain of our experience.

Choosing to keep debilitating resentment and pain out of our awareness so that we can function in the world can also be a positive choice, if we stop feeling guilty about it.

We can always choose to go at our own pace.

We are always in charge of our own pace of change. We might not feel like forgiving now, and this doesn’t mean that we can’t choose it in the future. In the same vein, we can let go of our fear of forgiving by remembering we can always go back and harbor some resentment if we want to.

We do not deserve to suffer.

One of the illusions that we must let go of is that if we stop suffering, our aggressor will somehow benefit or be better off for it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. We hurt ourselves, when we deserve our own compassion. Even when a person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, we certainly do not deserve to continue to suffer emotionally over them.

Before beginning a forgiveness practice, we can ask ourselves, “What do I have to gain from this?” and “How is holding this resentment harming or benefitting me?”

There is always love and openness to be gained from forgiving, from processing our pain and grief, but when and how much we do is always of our own choosing.

In choosing to forgive we choose ourselves and take back our power. It doesn’t mean that we need to befriend our difficult person or that we should begin spending time again with someone who has deeply harmed us in the past.

In the case of my ex-boyfriend, we did not end up becoming friends again. However, I did end up sending him a Facebook message in which I shared that I had been engaged in a loving-kindness practice and that despite all our troubles, I had forgiven him and truly hoped he was happy.

Almost immediately, there was a response. He was indeed a new father, living in his home country with his wife. He had forgiven me long ago, he said, and he had always felt grateful to me, for bringing him to the United States.

After we parted, he went on to achieve some of his life’s dreams; he had climbed El Capitan, he had gotten his master’s degree, found a good job, and eventually moved back to Colombia with his wife to have a family.

He was happy to know that I, too, was happy and successful in life, he’d always known and hoped that I would be. And truly I am.

December 22, 2016
Acceptance Is the First Step Toward Peace

December 20, 2016
Anxiety, Your New BFF: How It Can Help You If You Let It

“Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ~Rumi

Anxiety—a frequent, uninvited visitor.

It hovers; it comes and goes. It underlines. It overpowers. It stops you in your tracks. It pursues you as you run away.

My anxiety’s appearance is often marked by a buzzing, electric-charge energy. I used to jokingly compare it to a predatory yellow jacket. They used to terrify me. Since I was stung too many times, this insect was definitely not on my list of BFFs.

Once I was driving my then seven-year-old daughter and her friend to school when a real-life yellow jacket began to buzz in the enclosed car space. It looked fierce and angry and armed with a vicious stinger.

Repressing my panic, I pulled the car over.

“Okay, girls, there’s a yellow jacket in the car. I’m going to open the doors and we’ll all exit quickly!”

My daughter’s friend Evie remained in her seat. With a quiet calm, she extended her finger, beckoning the insect to alight upon it. When it did, she welcomed its arrival with a smile and escorted it outside.

The yellow jacket flew off.

“All you have to do is treat them nice and they’re your friend,” Evie informed us. “I love ‘em.”

Years later, I awoke one morning, the alarm of anxiety resounding in my ears. Unlike my phone, I couldn’t shut it off. Hearing the buzz of worry and gloom, I dreaded getting up to face the day.

Then I heard something else. A buzz. But this wasn’t coming from me; it was a yellow jacket flailing against my nightstand.

With mindful attention, I was able to escort the tiny creature to the window so it could fly away. The momentary connection with an insect and the cessation of the buzzing noise was a gratifying experience. Plus, the bug did not sting me.

I wondered, what if my anxiety were something I could “treat nice”? My usual approach is to eliminate or ignore it.

What would it take to befriend my anxiety?

What did it take to befriend a yellow jacket? Mindful caution and courage (they do sting), and a challenging compassion. A calm patience.

Maybe I could treat my anxiety as my BFF.

Isn’t a best friend someone who reminds you of your past mistakes and helps you avoid a re-run? A friend encouraging you to take time to treat yourself better? A cheerleader excited for your success?

Over time I have discovered that anxiety can do that for you, if you’re willing to change your perspective. Below are a few examples that may surprise you.

Stop, Listen, and Engage

One of my closest friends was coming for a visit. We had a no-plan of fun, a goal of aimless walking around the city. I had spent the morning alone, writing and finishing up paperwork. All of it enjoyable productivity.

Getting ready for her arrival, I noticed an underlying stream of anxiousness. To be honest, I was furious that anxiety arrived during this completely stress-free moment.

Remembering my vow to welcome anxiety as my BFF, I began to ask “her” questions.

What are you anxious about?
I just am.
That was too broad a question, so I became more specific.

The apartment looks fine but are you worried it’s not neat enough?
It’s not that.
I noticed that the reassurance calmed her down a bit.

Are you worried that we have no specific itinerary?
No.
I smiled at the immediate response. Neither one of us is a planner.

I’m dressed, but I could put a little makeup on, would that help?
Maybe.
I did, it helped. But there was more.

Sitting down, I took a few breaths.

Can you explain what your nervousness is about? I waited.

In a rush, a torrent of talk tumbled out.
It’s too much. You were quiet all by yourself and now you have to go out and do noisy things.

A light bulb went off. I saw the issue.

It’s about transitions? You find them challenging?

The clarity of the Aha! burst open in a single word:
YES!

Transitions, in any degree, represent change, which requires special attention. My habitual response is to move fast, to move without thinking, to move on now!

That doesn’t work for me anymore.

I summed up where I had been (quietly writing alone), where I was going (a walk in Manhattan with noise and bustle).

But above all, I checked into where I was NOW in the moment, which was not being able to connect the two.

A few minutes were all it took to regain serenity and gratitude to my BFF Anxiety. She had highlighted something I’d overlooked my entire life.

While your own inner dialogue may differ, it is possible for you to stop, listen, and engage in a conversation with these inner anxious voices.

It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal

Sometimes, your anxiety is only asking for acknowledgment. A few breaths to clear your mind and give you more oxygen, a sympathetic word, or a short walk outside may be the answer.

I have a client who gets a manicure to ease her spirits. When her mom was in hospice, she had them done. “I know it may seem superficial, but I have fond memories of my mother doing my nails for me when I was little and feeling sad. I look at my hands and feel like at least one thing in my life is okay.”

Short-term solutions to anxiety’s sudden appearances can go far to alleviate symptoms of unease.

Warnings to Watch

There are moments when a deeper dialogue with anxiety is required.

A friend had what seemed to be the perfect relationship. Sexy and smart, her boyfriend had a good sense of humor, enjoying his work and life. Together, they were happy, but separated, my friend’s anxiety skyrocketed.

She decided to focus on the nature of her anxiety and began a focused inquiry with this energetic.

“I wanted him to be the one, but I was the one making unconscious concessions. So I stopped and listened to what my anxiety was reporting back to me.”

Rather than eliminate or ignore her anxiety, she took a hard look at what was actually going on. She didn’t feel seen in this relationship. Her desires were overlooked, and, worse, they were de-valued if brought up. Her boyfriend was subtle about this exchange, as he could be quite charming. But my friend felt out of the loop.

She ended that relationship and started dating someone else. When, once again, Anxiety appeared, she was flustered. Taking on the premise that anxiety is her BFF, she listened. This time the message was different.

As it turned out, she needed to proceed more slowly, as she was suffering from relationship PTSD. In actuality, there was excitement about this new prospect.

Don’t your human best friends nudge you to practice self-compassion, encourage you to take risks, and then cheer your success?

Anxiety can do that as well.

Looking at Your Lifestyle

A client came to me for an acupuncture session. “Everything’s going great. My career has skyrocketed, my family is fine. But most mornings, I can barely get out of bed; the anxiety is that strong. I can’t figure out why I’m a wreck when I should be so happy.”

Going into further detail, it came up that he was sleeping barely four hours a night, overdosing on caffeine throughout the day, skipping workouts, and having a few drinks at night to offset the coffee. While his life was exciting, it was not sustainable.

We devised a plan that was workable.

He came in the following week, his anxiety diminished. “I’m good, but I’m in shock,” he reported. A colleague had dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of forty-five. “The timing is bizarre, and yet I have to look at what role anxiety plays in my life. I want to listen better.”

It’s not that you have to become a purist Spartan, but being aware of your relationship with your physical body and how that corresponds with your anxiety (another relationship!) is a key factor to your overall health and peace of mind.

You’re Not Alone

Life is scary at times. Tragedies, death, loss, rejection—suffering surrounds us.

When experiencing these challenges, anxiety can show up in full force, adding to the overwhelm.

If you listen, you will hear what you can do to buffer the harshness of events.

Perhaps the mere recognition of the situation’s gravity can bring relief. Maybe a few gentle considerations can change the terrain. Maybe you need support from others.

Maybe you need to get your nails done.

As a BFF, anxiety can remind you to slow down and take care of yourself. To have compassion and empathy for yourself and others. To remember your aliveness and your capacity to transform.

If you listen, really listen, you’ll hear what may help.

Treating anxiety as a friend, the messages will come to you in a whisper rather than a shout. This invisible force will align with you, if you align with it.

This friend may be an over-worrier, she may nudge you, she may even resort to scaring you. But this BFF (Badass Friend Forever) just may bug you enough to finally discover—and cherish—your magnificence in human form.

What magical messages is your new BFF bringing to you?

November 28, 2016
4 Things I’d Say to My Anxiety-Filled Younger Self

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

As I sit here writing this, I’m just a couple of days away from my twenty-eighth birthday.

It’s been a whole decade since an introverted, shy version of me turned eighteen years old and entered into the realms of what many people consider to be “adult age.”

Back then, anxiety, specifically social anxiety, plagued me.

At the time, however, I’d never even heard of anxiety, let alone considered that I may be suffering with this thing that could be termed a “mental illness.” Truth be told, I just thought I was a bit weird.

I thought it was just who I was. And that the uncontrollable sweating whenever I left the house, the monumental nervousness before having to go into any social situation, the sick feeling before making any phone call, and the continual worry of what might happen in the future was just an annoying part of me that I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.

The decade that followed, though, brought some huge life lessons. I graduated from college, got my first full-time job, left said job, started several businesses (failing at most), became obsessed with health, nutrition, and fitness, met the love of my life, and traveled to various parts of the world.

But around eighteen months ago, I left the personal training business I was miserable in and became obsessed with spirituality, personal development, and understanding my own brain.

I wanted to know why I’d been on this journey so far, yet still felt completely worthless as a human being and filled with panic about what people thought of me or what might happen in the future.

It was during this time I did monumental amounts of reading, inward reflection, and deep inner work in order to truly get to know what was going on inside of me. I got to understand who I was and connect with myself at a level I didn’t previously think was possible.

So as I sit here now, ten years on from my eighteenth birthday, I’d like to share four things I’ve learned over the past decade and would want to say to that anxiety-ridden, nervous, and severely introverted version of myself if I ever got the chance.

1. Be unashamedly all of you.

Part of the reason I was feeling all this anxiety and emptiness inside was that I had this belief that I somehow needed to be more than who I was. Like I wasn’t good enough as me in any present moment, and so I needed to add on external things in an attempt to bridge that gap.

Deep down, at a subconscious level, I felt that I wasn’t worthy of love or attention without chasing all this stuff that was outside of myself. The degree, the job, the business, the pay bracket.

As I attached my entire worth as a person to all this external stuff, I created a world full of anxiety for myself.

I got anxious about having to converse with people, for fear they would figure me out as a fraud or someone who didn’t have everything together. And my desperate looking to the future for a time when I did have it all together would cause regular panic when something even slightly compromised my ability to get there.

The irony here is that by never feeling “enough” or “worthy” and trying to gain these external things in order to be more than I was, I was actually shrinking my real self.

The real me wasn’t showing up in the world, and I was holding myself back from everyone and everything. Bringing just a miniscule percentage of the greatest version of myself into every situation and moment. And that’s just not fair to me, or the world.

So the first thing I would say to my eighteen-year-old self is to stop trying to be more than you are, and just unashamedly be all that you are at any given moment.

2. You get to create yourself.

One of my greatest fears as an eighteen-year-old, and for a good number of years following, was that I would be this incredibly shy and anxious person for the rest of my life.

In fact, I don’t suppose it was really a fear at the time. More a simple acceptance and frustration at the fact that I’d been dealt this hand of someone who always had a knot in his stomach, struggled to hold conversations, and was perennially labelled “the quiet one.”

If I’m honest, it caused me to really dislike and become irritated with myself. It was overwhelmingly frustrating to see other people make their way into social circles and progress in life seemingly with relative ease. Yet here I was, having to calm down and prepare myself for the simple act of making a phone call to book a dentist’s appointment.

This all just became a part of my identity, just who I thought I was and a part of me I assumed I just had to live with.

At some point along the way, though, I came to the realization that I was choosing to keep this social anxiety as a part of my identity. Maybe not on a conscious level, but certainly on a subconscious one.

I discovered that by facing up to what was going on inside my anxious head, no longer trying to push it away and suppress it, and challenging the negative thoughts floating around, I could create a blank slate of sorts, to assume an identity without all the anxiety.

In short, a person’s past does not need to dictate their present or the future. There is no “hand” we have been dealt. And so we get to create and choose into who we want to be in any given moment or phase of our lives.

3. Life doesn’t have to look a certain way.

For so long, I had this grandiose illusion that everything had to look a specific way.

I believed the “correct” path in life, whatever that meant, was already there for me, and if I veered from it, something terrible would happen. In my mind, everything was filled with “should” and “should nots” around what life was supposed to look like.

I should have a good schooling, a degree, get a good job, behave this way, do this, do that; it’s bad to do this, it’s good to do that; I should fall in line with everyone else.

Of course, I’m not saying we should go against the grain all the time. There are some aspects in life where it’s probably a good idea to fall in line. The concepts of not judging people by the color of their skin or not being a serial killer are pretty good examples.

But to just accept that everything needs to look the way society, the media, a religion, teachers, school, or even your parents tells us is not necessarily serving us best.

All this did for me was create anxiety. I had a path in my mind, and if anything threatened me falling off that path then, in my head, I would be castigated from society, nobody would love me, and my whole world would cave in.

It was as if I was constantly on the lookout for things that could move me away from how things should look. The result was being in an almost perpetual internal state of worry, panic, and dread.

But why do things have to look a certain way? Just because a direction, path, or way of thinking worked for one person, doesn’t mean it will for anyone else.

This is when I realized it was perfectly okay to challenge convention. To investigate different ways of thinking without the whole world judging me and everything falling apart. And that it was perfectly healthy, even necessary, to figure out my own path.

4. Learn to love the darkness.

This was something that took me a while to truly understand and accept. But when I did, it created a monumental amount of inner healing and peacefulness.

We all have dark parts of our past. Some maybe have darker parts than others, but that doesn’t make them any more or less valid.

For a long time I wished those dark parts weren’t there. I would look into my past and feel frustration and resentment for those dark parts that caused so much pain.

I’d look into this darkness and think about how it shouldn’t be there. That it was wrong and bad it existed, and because it did, I would be judged if anyone found out; therefore, I wasn’t worthy of being happy.

In reality, every moment in my life, the good and the bad, was part of a vast sequence of events that led me to this very moment. We need the darkness in order to experience light, up to experience down, and sadness to experience joy. Without one, the other cannot exist.

Of course, deep wounds take time to heal. I’m not saying we should all be able to click our fingers and instantly love every aspect of the past, regardless of how traumatic or painful.

But opening up to the idea of letting go of resentment and frustration, and appreciating dark moments in the past for what they really are, is such a powerful step. They don’t define us, and they don’t need dictate who we are. They have given us the opportunity to harness this very moment and unleash the amazing things that are inside us on the unsuspecting world.

—

What would you tell your younger self if you had the chance to speak with them?

November 17, 2016
Every Day Brings a Choice

November 2, 2016
Breathe In Peace, Breathe Out Stress

October 19, 2016
5 Reasons to Forgive Yourself and How to Do Better Going Forward

“At the end of life, the wish to be forgiven is ultimately the chief desire of almost every human being. In refusing to wait; in extending forgiveness to others now; we begin the long journey of becoming the person who will be large enough, able enough and generous enough to receive, at the very end, that absolution ourselves.” ~David Whyte

The last time I saw my mother she was smiling and laughing at nothing in particular. My mother has had dementia for almost ten years now. Each visit brings an onslaught of guilt and uncomfortable feelings. Could I have done something different to ease this for her?

For years I discounted my heritage and all my ancestors, and in doing so devalued her. How could I have been so heartless? How could I have stayed out all night and worried her to death when I was in my twenties? Why didn’t I stay with her in Boston after I married? The list goes on and on.

I can count each transgression and easily relive the selfishness of a younger version of me. I want to reach back in time and slap that younger self, admonishing her for losing out on caring for the person that loves her most.

I want to send her the warning that time is running out and she is wasting it on trivialities, ego-centric activities, and hurtful behavior. But I cannot reach back in time, and for many years I carried the burden of a wild adolescence that had no regard for the one who cared most about me.

There have been times when, on bent knee, I pleaded silently and tearfully for her forgiveness, but she would have none of it. She simply continued her incoherent storytelling with a smile and eyes that were viewing something in the distant past. The best I could do was to stay present with her in her story, allowing her to share whatever needed to arise unconditionally.

And then it happened.

During one visit I was again listening to her storytelling, laughing with her, sharing her jokes and following the winding path of her conversation when she suddenly stopped. Something in her eyes shifted. It was as if a light turned on for a moment. And then she said it, even using my name, which she had not recalled for years.

“Alicia, I’m fine. Let it go. Focus on your life and move on. I’m fine.”

And with the same suddenness she disappeared into the fog, her eyes coated with the same film that hides the chapters of her life. I burst into tears.

Grace is Found in Forgiveness

We discover grace in forgiveness. We unburden the baggage we carry with us when we are forgiven, and when we forgive. Transgressions, real or perceived, carry an energetic and negative tether that creates a network of dark knots that expands as we continue to carry these transgressions through our relationships and into our lives.

We believe that others hold the ability to release us through their forgiveness. When we surrender the power to forgiveness to someone else we lose the ability to recover our goodness and worth. In truth, we each hold the power to forgive simply because we are the ones that need to forgive ourselves.

In the moment that my mother spoke I felt a release and then an awareness that the forgiveness I attributed to her was really within me. I needed to forgive myself for my behavior and lack of awareness that created the guilt I carried with me. What my mother did was make me aware that I needed to “move on.” And to do so meant to forgive myself.

5 Reasons We Have to Forgive Ourselves

1. The other person may not forgive you.

For years, I was haunted by past transgressions that caused harm to someone else. The sting of the lies of the past and the impact on those that I cared about caused such shame in me that I became rigid about what was right and wrong. There was no one to call for forgiveness. Those relationships existed in the past and have long since moved on.

I had to forgive the teenager and the young woman who foolishly thought the world revolved around her needs.

If you look back into the past you’ll notice you may be carrying shame too. It’s time to forgive the person you were so that the person you are can keep growing.

2. If you don’t forgive yourself then how will you keep going?

You can’t make changes or move forward in your life carrying the weight of your mistakes.

Imagine putting all your past mistakes into a bag, adding to it each time you make a new one. The bag would become so heavy, the burden so great, that it would be impossible to keep going.

It’s time to put that bag down, take out each item, and forgive so you can let go of the past and move forward, having learned the lessons that will make you a better person than before.

3. You can’t forgive others if you can’t forgive yourself.

You have to learn how to forgive, starting with yourself. If you cannot offer yourself compassion and forgiveness, you will never be able to offer the same to others.

Life’s missteps are an opportunity to learn. These mistakes are useful in that they point you away from the person you do not want to be and reveal the path of growth and authenticity that you can choose for your life.

4. The shame of the past can only be transformed through forgiveness.

I confess that I intentionally caused hurt to others out of ignorance or narcissism before I realized what true connection and love were. I’ve learned that when I lash out, it is a projection of the anger or discomfort I feel toward myself. Unless I forgive myself, I will carry that anger into the world and project it onto others.

Change your anger into a call to attend to something that is hurting within you. Forgiveness is the alchemy that transforms shame into self-love.

5. To accept and value yourself you must embrace both virtues and flaws.

We human beings are flawed. We must accept that we are not perfect. We make mistakes, and sometimes we make mistakes that hurt others. However, our mistakes do not define us. They are opportunities to learn about ourselves, who we are and who we aspire to be. By acknowledging our flaws and our strengths, we can consciously choose how we live our life.

—

I’ve learned to forgive myself and have adopted practices that help prevent those missteps that cause guilt, regret, and shame. These practices are integrated into my life today because yes, I still mess up.

1. Practice conscious living.

Too often we hurt others due to our sheer ignorance or lack of empathy. We are not caring for others when our lives are so full and busy that we are unable to stop and notice how someone else is feeling.

When you are present to yourself and to those around you, you are conscious of your choices and actions. Your awareness of your environment increases. You will notice the person who is feeling sad or disappointed and offer them a kind word.

So many of our regrets, the things we wish we had done or said, are due to sleepwalking through our lives. Observing yourself, learning about yourself, and choosing your thoughts and actions means you are conscious and present to your life and to others.

2. Accept what you have done without denial or justification.

It’s easy to justify our actions or to blame others for our mistakes. Take responsibility for your decisions and you empower yourself to choose wisely.

This requires that you face your transgressions and tend to that wound so that you can begin to heal. Do this with an open heart and allow self-love to flow so forgiveness may transform the pain into peace.

3. Identify what it feels like when you are angry, resentful, or sad so that those feelings do not hijack you into doing harm to others.

These strong feelings can take us over, and we are left wondering how we could’ve behaved so badly. When you become self-aware, you notice when those feelings begin to arise so you can better manage your emotions. Of course you will feel these emotions at times. This is part of our human nature. Acting on them is what causes regret and shame.

4. Practice meditation and mindful breathing.

Through mindfulness, you begin to recognize the impermanence of things so you can make healthier choices. Nothing lasts forever, whether it’s joy or sadness. Sometimes we have to endure the discomfort of the moment by breathing through it until it passes. And it always passes.

5. Forgive imperfection.

Self-compassion means you accept that some days, you are doing the best you can do at the time. It’s not perfect but it’s good enough, and that’s fine. Perfection is a heroic standard that no one meets. It sabotages your confidence and self-esteem.

How different would our world be if we forgave each other? Begin by forgiving yourself and let the waves of that forgiveness ripple out so that one day, maybe, the compassion and forgiveness you offer yourself can create more peace and tranquility in a world desperate for its own transformation.

September 29, 2016
There Is No Greater Wealth Than Peace of Mind

September 16, 2016