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Posts tagged with “Pain”

Surviving Loss: You Always Have Choice

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“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey

One ordinary night after an ordinary day of work and family, I went to bed a mother, wife, teacher, writer-person.

I remember falling asleep between sentences exchanged with my husband after an evening spent with just the two of us on our patio, something we rarely seemed to find the time to do in our busy lives. We promised each other that we’d make a concerted effort to have more of these “dates.”

The next morning, on what was supposed to be another …

Emotional Pain Doesn’t Go Away When You Numb It (with Alcohol or Anything Else)

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“Making a big life change is pretty scary. But know what’s even scarier? Regret.” ~Zig Ziglar

It had been a long day at work. I’d had to work with new people, which always got my anxiety going, and had to put out a few fires. By the end of the day, I climbed into my car shaking on the outside and screaming on the inside. Sounds, light, and smells were like battering rams to my senses and my internal pressure was reaching explosive levels.

I had a prearranged dinner with my mom and sister at a local restaurant, …

Choose to Be Kind to Yourself When You’re Sad

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Meeting Grief with Mindfulness: How Embracing Pain Opens the Door to Joy

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“We shake with joy, we shake with grief.  What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.” ~Mary Oliver

Mindfulness is a way of relating to our experience that opens us to the totality of it—that is, we learn to embrace it all, the joy and the heartache. But some experiences are harder to be with.

It’s difficult to be with physical or emotional pain, and we often retreat to the mind in search of distractions. But when we are able to fully be with our experience, something that feels like magic happens.

It …

To Fully Heal Your Broken Heart, Make Sure You Do This

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“Grief is healthy and it is healing.” ~Richard Moss

When I was a little girl there was this belief floating around in my head that there was only one person. One person who was my soulmate. One person who could love me. I think the belief was formed by some concoction of Disney movies, religion, and American culture.

What’s worse than this belief is that I somehow found myself afraid that I wouldn’t even have one person. I was afraid I would be alone. Forever.

I don’t know when I adopted the belief that I wasn’t enough, that I …

5 Things You Need to Tell Yourself After a Painful Breakup

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Have you ever experienced a breakup or divorce but still loved the other person you were saying goodbye to?

I met my ex-girlfriend on a rooftop in Istanbul. I had just sold everything I owned to travel the world, and she was a tour leader in Asia.

She was everything I had been searching for: beautiful, confident, and funny. I followed her to India and China. She followed me to Australia. When the money and visas ran out, we moved back to Canada, found an apartment, got a cat, and shared a strong, healthy relationship for over five years.

And …

How We Avoid Our Feelings and How Embracing Them Sets Us Free

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“We numb our minds and heart so one need not be broken and the other need not be bothered.” ~Peggy Haymes

Feelings are important, no doubt about it. They communicate all sorts of information to us. I don’t know about you, but I’ve preferred to ignore some of that information. Raise your hand if you would much rather feel the good feelings and just jump right over the not so good ones.

Okay, so it’s unanimous. We all prefer the good, happy feelings. I expect we are all experts at finding ways to avoid the uncomfortable ones. But …

Coping with Suicide Loss: 9 Lessons for Hope and Healing

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“It takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” ~Marianne Williamson

“That boy is one in a million, Jill. He’s one in a million.”

These were my grandfather’s words to my mum about my brother, Mitch, when he was just a kid. He really was one in a million—a light that shone so bright as a child and early teen, only to then fade into shadows of desperation and defeat as he grew into adulthood.

No one really knows what’s going …

What’s Broken Can Be Mended

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Healing the Inner Child: Free Yourself from Subconscious Pain

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“The child is in me still and sometimes not so still.” ~Mr. Rogers

We’ve all been there. Either we’ve said “Stop acting like a child!” to someone who we felt was acting immature, or someone said it to us in a moment that we’re not too proud about. Many couples would sum up their frustration with their partner by saying that, at times, they act like a child.

For many of us, we continue to feel frustration and disdain for the part of us that seems to repeat in failure, pain, or foolish behavior. Whether it’s unhealthy relationships, acting …

When Things Don’t Work Out: Who Knows If It’s Good or Bad?

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“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

I recently received a rejection letter for a voluntary role befriending and supporting a child in the care system. I was excited at the prospect of supporting a child who had likely been through a lot, and had been quietly confident that I would be great in the role.

After all, I am an emotionally responsible, fun-loving, deeply caring adult who had lived through a ton of difficulty: addiction and alcoholism (my own and my mother’s); growing up in …

You Can’t Have a Rainbow Without a Little Rain

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Healing from Heartache: How to Ease the Pain

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“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” ~Max Ehrmann 

If you looked at your broken heart and allowed for tenderness, you would feel better. Maybe not completely better, but there would be a softening. Compassion for yourself is soothing. When our hearts are aching, we need all the soothing we can get.

If you looked at your broken heart from the perspective of the loving mother within you, you would see that the only thing you need right now is …

Why We Shouldn’t Rush or Feel Guilty About Emotional Pain

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“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

In July 2012, a conversation changed my life.

Prior to this, I had been struggling to right myself after a difficult loss. Several months had passed, yet I continued to revisit the same sad, angry place again and again. I believed the presence of these difficult emotions meant I was “doing it all wrong.”

I thought, if I could figure out why these feelings were so persistent, I could make them vanish altogether. To assist in the quest, I enlisted the help of …

Post-Traumatic Growth: How Pain Can Lead to Gain

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“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” ~Shauna Niequist

It’s been over five years since the unexpected death of my oldest son. The first couple years were fraught with depression, despair, and a sense of hopelessness like I had never felt before. I even kept a notebook in my purse outlining the plan for how I would ultimately end my life.

It wasn’t until this past year that I told my friends about how close I had been to the edge. After outing myself, I found out they …

How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

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“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo

Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?

Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?

First there …

How to Speak to Someone About an Unspeakable Loss

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“It’s not about saying the right things. It’s about doing the right things.” ~Unknown

Years ago, my family and I moved to a bucolic little town in New Zealand, where we were immediately swept up into a group of ex-pats and locals. We felt deeply connected to this community by the time I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the local hospital.

When our son was three months old, a doctor heard a heart murmur. Twenty-four hours later, he died.

In the days and weeks that followed, I wandered in my own fog of grief as I went …

What to Do When Words Hurt You (Just Like Sticks and Stones)

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“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Do you remember this saying from childhood? It was one I heard often and wanted to believe. The saying states that physical acts can hurt us, but no one’s words can.

There’s nothing that seems further from the truth. Words hurt, and they stick with us far beyond the time of their telling.

It was in elementary school where my hair color was a joke. I was a carrot top, and my peers …

How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

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“If a person’s basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience.” ~The Dalai Lama

When I finished graduate school I was a bright-eyed engineer with a fresh diploma in hand, ready to take on the world. I landed a great job at a multinational engineering firm and began my career working with people from all over the world.

So it was a major downer when, not long into my new job, I began to suffer from chronic migraines. Every day I would wake up feeling fine, …

Why The Old Adage “Enjoy Every Moment” May Be More Harmful Than Helpful

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“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.” ~Francis Bacon

One phrase my husband and I have heard often since becoming new parents—heck, since I was still waddling my way through my last trimester—is, “It goes so fast.” This is most often delivered by another more seasoned mother with an all-knowing shake of her head and a longing gaze at my once rotund belly, or now at our beautiful boy.

We smile and nod, silently agreeing to the harsh reality of time. Which inevitably leads to the dreaded follow up, “Enjoy every moment!” …