Tag: Mindfulness

How to Stop Betting Against Yourself: 7 Keys for Personal Freedom
“Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them.” ~Robert Brault

Do you ever wake up feeling like you’re battling yourself?

What’s worse is waking up in that battle and feeling like you’ve already lost before you’ve even started the day.

But think about that for a second: isn’t living this way crazy? We think it’s normal to be fighting ourselves. We’re taught we need to grind it out and make something of ourselves to be successful. We’re taught we need to become something.

And the underlying message is this: who we are right now isn’t good enough.

We’re starving for acceptance, but see ourselves as flawed, and we end up spending our lives in a quest to prove ourselves to the world and to ourselves.

The Fallacy of Needing to Earn Your Freedom

When I was a kid I felt radically wild and free. And I bet you did too. But I also would bet that something changed and you don’t feel as free as you once did.

As a curious, adventurous lad, I felt like I could do anything, be anything, and create whatever I wanted. My imagination was my only limit.

But then somewhere along the way I started to hear the voices of my parents, teachers, and adults around me send contrary messages.

I needed to…
- Get good grades to prove my intelligence (and my worth).
- Do what’s right (follow the pages of an old book) and not misbehave to prove my goodness.
- Conform to socially-approved behavior to show that I was a valuable member of society. (more…)
March 19, 2013
Finding Peace and Joy When Dealing with Pain and Loss

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

There are times when nothing seems to move in the right direction. We either feel stuck or lost in chaos and confusion. Days follow nights as pages on the calendar turn into months, but you remain at the same place.

A few years back I suffered a miscarriage in the eighth month of pregnancy. I lost my baby and my dreams of motherhood. In the deep void I experienced both physical pain and mental agony.

At such times despite your efforts, the situation turns from bad to worse until you hit rock bottom, where you are too shocked to even be angry. You are just numb.

It took me years to understand that life’s balance sheet is not a neat account statement. Here, losses are often gains and gains are often losses.

At that time, I found a strange peace while doing mundane everyday activities, like cleaning or removing the stalks from the green vegetables. My hands removed grass, weeds, or long hard stalks to stack in organized groups.

Why did I enjoy doing this activity, which was a chore? It gave my hands something to do; it helped me to finish a task while giving respite to my agonized heart, as my mind was free to wander from worry to wonder.

My heart cried but the spinach or whatever I was cleaning was getting ready. It did not stop life but helped me to go with flow.

It taught me the art of giving in without giving up, and it made me realize that lessons need to be experienced before learning happens.

The meditative quality of a repeated activity is therapeutic. It leads to contemplation, which has a cathartic effect that makes you calm while setting a rhythm in the chaotic mind.

Life unfolds at its pace, and we need to go with the flow. Attachment and detachment are the two points where we oscillate as a pendulum. Wisdom dawns at this stage. (more…)

March 12, 2013
How Mindfulness Can Help You Discover What You Want to Do in Life

“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.” ~Rodin

When I was in college, I knew what to do and everything clicked along.

But as graduation approached, I got nervous.

I’d always assumed that some “good job” would turn up when I got out of school. But now it was in my face that I had no idea where I was going.

I took a career workshop where we figured out our favorite interests and best skills. What the class didn’t provide was any follow-up to help me actually find the dream job.

I didn’t know how to ask for help in putting these ideas into practice. Or even who to ask.

I floundered.

For the next three years I drifted through a series of little jobs. The bills got paid with some money I inherited from my father, but this cushion was getting thin.

And I still didn’t know how to get a decent job.

At some point I heard that people were always looking for reliable house cleaners. “I may not be able to do much,” I thought, “but at least I can clean a house.”

So I started a housecleaning business.

There were a number of great things about this job. The money was good. The part-time hours were good. I was my own boss. But I hated the work.

So I decided quite randomly that a career in professional sales was the thing to pursue. Never mind that it held no interest for me. It seemed that I’d be good at it. (more…)

March 4, 2013
How Are You Using Your 86,400 Seconds?

“Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” ~Theophrastus

Don’t we all wish we had more time? Time to spend with loved ones. Time to finish solving a problem. Time to eat, pray, love. Time to exercise more. Time to travel to all the continents on the globe.

Time to finish that project. Time to take that diving course, yoga class, or self-improvement seminar. Time to chat with our grandparents. Time to visit an old friend.

Time to aid the poor. Time to listen to the news. Time to challenge yourself. Time to meditate. Time to do volunteer work. Time to listen to a friend in need. Time to have dinner with your partner. Time to have dinner with your family.

Time to be adventurous, time to parachute, time to pray and to play, time to listen within, time to cook wholesome meals, time to do nothing, and time to do everything.

Time to feel what you really feel. Time to dream and time to be.

I know I’ve spent a lot of time doing the wrong things and making mistakes. But even so, I’ve learned something from all of it. That in itself means it wasn’t so wrong after all.

I also spent a lot of time thinking of what little time I had and how I wished I had more. Not so good if all it does is stress you out.

However, if it compels you to take charge and make a plan for how to reach all those wonderful dreams and goals, then it’s a good thing. I’m getting there, falling and getting up again. “Losing” time along the way.

I read this analogy about time once. Imagine there is a bank that every morning deposits $86,400 into your account. And every day it happens over and over again. The only catch, according to this idea, is that you cannot save that particular deposit until the next day.

The $86,400 you get in the morning is gone in the evening. You can’t use any of it in advance and you can’t pile it up.

What would you do? Would you think carefully about how you’d use it every day? (more…)

February 26, 2013
Brushes with Mortality: 5 Lessons On Dealing with Hard Times
“When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open. And in that breaking open, we uncover our true nature.” ~Wayne Muller

As someone with a serious chronic medical condition, I have danced with mortality. Many times. It wasn’t until our most recent pas de deux, however, that I truly understood just how much this dance could impact me.

Nowhere was this more apparent than in my work as a hospice volunteer.

The mission of the San Francisco-based Zen Hospice Project—a Buddhist-inspired organization where I have volunteered for five years—is to bring kindness and compassion to those facing loss and death.

I trained to be a volunteer out of a deep longing to explore and evolve my comfort level with my own illness and mortality, as well as the mortality of those close to me.

Zen Hospice Project trains volunteers to practice the Five Precepts Of Hospice Care developed by its founder.

They are:
1. Bring your whole self to the bedside.
2. Welcome everything; push away nothing.
3. Find a place of rest in the middle of things.
4. Cultivate the “don’t know mind.”
5. Don’t wait.
While I have attempted to integrate these precepts at bedside (and in my life in general), I am also aware that I have remained somewhat disconnected from them.

For example, though I have always been able to easily listen with compassion as patients and family members voiced their feelings about dying; to hold a hand; provide a gentle foot massage; bring hot tea and fresh flowers; and sing to patients, I could not (or more aptly did not want to) fully feel the devastating grief that accompanies loss.

Until, that is, I returned to hospice work last year after undergoing emergency brain surgery.

Some background: As a child, I was diagnosed with a neurological condition called hydrocephalus that prevents the cerebrospinal fluid from circulating correctly in my brain. As such, a device called a shunt lives in my brain’s ventricles, keeping the fluid circulating properly. (more…)
February 18, 2013
You’ll Always Have This Day, No Matter Where It Leads

“If you surrender completely to the moment as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Last week on Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend Ehren and I had a meeting we’d both spent months working toward.

After writing and rewriting a romantic comedy screenplay for over a year, and consulting with a screenwriter friend to improve it, we’d finally secured a meeting with an agent—her agent. At one of the largest agencies in Hollywood. Presumably to represent us.

We couldn’t have been more thrilled to know our project might have a real future, and the timing of it, on Valentine’s Day, seemed serendipitous and made it even more exciting.

The opportunity felt even more gratifying because we’d both been in need of some good news since Ehren’s brother’s sudden passing in December.

We’d just moved out of our Los Angeles apartment with plans to spend time with his parents in the Bay Area and work on various creative projects together. Yet there were, mere days after our move, heading back to the home we’d just left.

Though we’d lived in LA for over two years, the city looked different through the lens of magnified possibility.

We spent the whole drive discussing our next screenplay and planning what we’d say in the meeting. I spent each moment of silence fantasizing about casting, filming, and premieres—a whole new life on the other side of this day.

We ate at a classic Hollywood deli and ran into one of my favorite comedic actresses. One day we’d write a role for her, I thought.

We then walked around the neighborhood for a good thirty minutes before arriving early but not too early for what seemed like the most important meeting of our creative partnership.

I jittered and rambled while sitting in the waiting room. I wanted to be sure that when we walked in, I said enough but not too much, and generally put my best foot forward for the best possible outcome.

So much had led to this one moment, and I felt that our whole future was wrapped up in it. (more…)

February 17, 2013
3 Reasons to Stop Trying So Hard to Be Positive and Peaceful

“Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are.” ~Karen Maezen Miller

The world is filled with people who work hard at being positive, peaceful, and more spiritual and then feel bad when they don’t measure up. I know because I used to be one of them. And I still am from time to time.

That was before I realized something:

1 It doesn’t work.

2. Spirituality isn’t something you do; it’s something you are, and you are this right now. Just as beneath the chatter of your mind you are already positive and peaceful too.

3. You are already as spiritual as you’ll ever be.

There, article done: My views on trying to be more spiritual.

Well, okay, there’s more to it than this. Let’s back up—starting with a confession or two.

Confession 1: It’s after midday, I’m still in bed, and all I’ve eaten today is cheese.

(That was more like a warm-up confession; I mean, who doesn’t stay in bed with half a block of cheese from time to time? And in all fairness to myself, it was a small block.)

Confession 2: I try hard, at everything—or at least most things.

(My husband made me add the last bit because he said I don’t always try hard when we play backgammon.)

But seriously, or at least half seriously, if there were a lecture on How to Relax More and Not Try So Hard, I’d be in the front row, my hand in the air, with half a dozen questions. I might even take notes and record the lecture so I could listen at home.

For me, “trying hard” has been a badge.

We believe that if we’re successful, whatever success looks like in our sphere of influence, we’ll he happy and loved.

We’re all ‘’try hards”—we all do it; it’s a universal condition. Your trying will look different to my trying, but it’s all the same. (more…)

January 20, 2013
Rituals for Renewal: 7 Steps to Lower Your Stress

“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

Every day I meet with people who are stressed and want things to be different. I also encounter people who are so distressed they’ve accepted suffering’s dominion over their life. Almost all, however, are interested in the concept of change.

Still, taking small, conscious steps toward a healthier emotional, mental, and physical life can sometimes seem overwhelming. More people have told me “I’m so busy—I can’t fit one more thing into my day!” than not. But what’s the alternative? It’s being just happy enough to be miserable.

Take it from me. Early in my career, I decided to take a position with a new for-profit, up-and-coming business, determined to climb the professional ladder quickly. Immediately I moved my family from our safe, rural life to fast-paced, competitive Washington, DC.

I became obsessed with work, committed, and my boss recognized my energy level and capacity to manage by awarding me with, of course, more work.

At the time, I took this as a compliment; I saw it as evidence that I was achieving a goal. I did not recognize what my work was extracting from me physically, emotionally, and mentally until, ironically, I took a long overdue vacation.

Walking out to the pool, my wife mentioned that we had forgotten the suntan lotion. Offering to retrieve it, I suddenly began to feel dizzy as I approached the lobby, anxious waiting for the elevator.

I was sweating in the air-conditioning, and there was a sense of impending doom as I approached our room. I was afraid to walk inside, fearful there might be a blinking red light on my phone indicating a message from my boss about work.

Seeing no red light, I was able to breathe again and regain my balance. But the truth was clear: The red light was a metaphor. If I didn’t begin caring for myself, soon enough I would be in a van with red lights whirling all around me. (more…)

January 16, 2013
Finding Peace: Take Power Away from Your Thoughts and Emotions

“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola

My almost three year old, Willow, is obsessed with playing doctor.

She lies on the couch, hands down at her sides. She hands me a small flashlight and a toy frying pan (which I’m told to pretend is a stethoscope) and orders, “Check me out, Doctor Mommy!”

She methodically points out every scratch, scrape, bruise, and freckle on her body. She tells me how much snot she feels in her nose and how many times she coughed, sneezed, and hiccupped that day so that I can give her the most comprehensive treatment possible.

After I go through the doctor motions to her satisfaction, she wants to know how her scratches, bruises, and hiccups will really go away. Since we’re only playing and mommy is not a real doctor, how will her perfect health be restored?

I tell her there is nothing she has to do. Her natural state is perfect health. Her body will tend to return there with no effort on her part.

That’s often, but not always, true of the physical body. Bodies always attempt to heal, but they don’t always return to how they once were. A body is a machine with a roughly 80-year warranty. It is amazing and largely self-correcting, but it’s not foolproof.

Minds, on the other hand, are different. I believe mental health and mental clarity are present in all of us, all of the time.

Sometimes we experience mental health and clarity and sometimes we don’t, just like sometimes we experience sun and sometimes we don’t. The sun is always there behind the clouds. Mental clarity and wisdom are always there, behind our thoughts.

Just like the clouds will always part to reveal the sun, thoughts roll in and thoughts roll out.

Your healthy mind will always return to a state of well-being if you don’t interfere.

As it turns out, not interfering is easier said than done. (more…)

December 26, 2012
Active Contentment: 5 Tips to Have Both Peace and Ambition

“Peace is not merely a distant goal we seek but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Stress equals success.

I wholeheartedly believed this for many years. Who had led me so astray? I have only myself to blame.

The concept of peace had no practical application in my life. Peace was something that was necessary in war-torn countries, not in my mind.

This toxic belief began in college. The library often felt like a boxing ring where my fellow students and I competed to be the most stressed out.

Who had the most papers to write, the most books to read, the most labs to complete? Who had stayed up the latest the night before? Who had gone the longest without sleep or food? Or a shower?

If you were stressed out, you were respected. Accepted.

“I’m stressed out, so that must mean I’m achieving something,” I’d think to myself on a regular basis. Then I graduated, and the stress continued.

After six months of working a nine-to-five office job, I realized that I didn’t want to spend my life building someone else’s dream. I wanted to carve out a life of freedom for myself, so I decided to start my own business.

At first, I felt completely liberated. I woke up excited to work every morning. Then guilt set in.

Oh guilt, what a useless emotion.

As I sat working from my home office in my favorite sweat pants, I watched the morning commuters. Most looked tired, frazzled, and unhappy. And a big part of me envied them. Envied? Yes.

I no longer felt “accepted” in the rat race.

“What did you do to deserve this great life?” said my subconscious mind. “If you want to be happy, you need to be stressed out first. Peace only comes after a life of hard work and huge success. Retirement—now that’s happiness!”

I have no idea why these thoughts were so prevalent. Perhaps it was because I’d never known there was a different way of life out there.

And so with this mindset, I set about attempting to becoming as stressed out as possible. I believed that if I wasn’t cramming as much into my day as possible and setting ridiculous goals for myself, I couldn’t truly call myself an entrepreneur.

And then something happened. Something called yoga.

I started doing yoga and meditating on a regular basis, and the practice slowly but surely seeped into me and began to unleash a peace I’d never thought possible. I started smiling more and caring less. I experienced fleeting moments of pure contentment.

My relationships improved, and I learned how to handle stress in a healthy way. I no longer let it run my life.

I also stopped thinking about the future as much.

A few months after my turning point, I had coffee with a friend.

“All I truly want to be in life is content,” I told him confidently. I was sure I had life figured out once and for all.

“Great,” he replied, “but is content all you ever want to be? What about always aiming for something bigger? What about your desire to continually grow and learn and transform?”

Sigh. I knew he was right. After almost burning out on creating stress, I had gone too far in the other direction. I had lost sight of my vision.

I knew that if I gave up on my ambitions, I wouldn’t be content for a long. I had always been a big dreamer.

Balance, balance, balance.

Everything I was reading at the time told me to “live in the moment.” Yoga is all about being present in the here and now, and I couldn’t figure out how to factor this mentality into my budding business.

“How the heck can I apply the concept of living in the moment in a practical way in my life?” I shouted at the universe.

Finally, a tiny voice in my head answered me. There was no blare of trumpets, no fanfare. It was simple, beautiful:

Seek active contentment.

Active contentment. Such a liberating concept. It’s about being completely at peace with who you are and what you’re doing in the moment while simultaneously maintaining a vision for the future.

The following are five ways to help cultivate an attitude of active contentment:

1. Make time for downtime every day.

Downtime could involve meditation, light exercise, listening to music, reading something for fun—anything that puts you at ease and allows you to check out for a while. The recharge time will help you become more receptive to new ideas and inspiration.

2. Write a list of everything you’re grateful for right now.

Read it often. Gratitude is powerful, and taking stock of everything you have right now can help ease the pressure in stressful times.

3. Make two lists of goals: immediate goals for the week ahead and bigger-picture goals to work toward.

Being able to check off smaller goals grounds you in the present and will help motivate you to keep working toward those bigger, future goals. Momentum is also powerful force.

4. Celebrate small successes every day.

The biggest achievements are often a result of multiple small ones. By learning to appreciate the little things, you open yourself up to a world of joy.

5. Remember that in the end, there is nothing you have to do.

It’s your life. Just breathe. It’s good to be motivated, but sometimes just taking the pressure off is the most effective way to accomplish a big goal.

It’s a lesson that took me a long time to learn: just because you’re happy with where you’re at doesn’t mean you don’t want to be inspired or aim higher. Being at peace in the moment will only help you attract more success into your life.

Peace isn’t some distant goal to work toward. It’s something that can be cultivated on a daily basis to help you achieve your goals in a health way.

Active contentment is growth. It’s a state of mind that allows for ambition as well as peace. I challenge you to be actively content with your life. Namaste!

Photo by missportilla

December 17, 2012
The Illusion of Waiting for the Future to Be Happy

“The future is always beginning now.” ~Mark Strand

Do you ever feel like there’s something missing in your life? It feels like you’re always waiting for something to arrive. You want the future to come, because it’s better there.

But that’s all wrong.

The future is an illusion. It’s just a concept in your head. This is what I’ve realized in the past few months.

I’ve suddenly become acutely aware of what’s going on. I’ve entered the present moment more powerfully than ever before.

If you go and read my previous articles here at Tiny Buddha, I talk about how I’m going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

I’m learning more and more, and that’s exactly what happens each year.

As I’m writing this, I am completely present in my body. I feel my fingers write the words. It almost feels like I’m not the one typing, typing is just happening.

I don’t claim to be perfect, but I do want to share what’s happened, and how you can tap into the same peace and joy that I have.

But before we do that, let’s look at the problem.

The Problem: Future-Think

In the past, I tended to live in the future. I daydreamed of a better life.

I wanted more money, more adventure, and more time so I could be in the present moment. When I put it like that, it almost seems crazy, doesn’t it?

(more…)

December 11, 2012
7 Tips To Help You Slow Down and Enjoy Your Life As It Is

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Gandhi

I have always been a person who wants to be one step ahead. I think my parents would say that I liked to push the boundaries. I wanted to experience many things, and I wanted to experience them quickly.

When my brother went to sleep-away camp, I had to go the next year despite being three years younger than him.

At age thirteen I had to ski with the older kids, racing faster and harder than I was ready for.

When I was fifteen I pushed to take a trip to Mexico with a friend despite my parents’ better judgment (and when I look back on this I realize I really was too young).

In college I continued to push the limits. This seemed okay at the time because everyone was doing it.

By the age of twenty-four I had broken away from the safety of my home state and moved myself out west and back again, living in some of the country’s most exciting places.

I wouldn’t’ stay long though—two years here, one year there.

I rushed through each amazing place, taking in as much as I could. I landed great jobs but didn’t stay long. I wanted more and I wanted change. What was I seeking?

Two years ago life shifted for me, and I was forced to slow down a bit.

I found myself in pursuit of a life-changing career. I became a teacher. I spend my days with nine year olds. Nothing makes you live in the moment like being surrounded my children. They require your complete presence and attention.

I don’t think many would call the teaching profession a stress reliever, but I find it makes me slow down and appreciate every day.

I also met a man who completely changed how I saw the world. He is older, and has experienced more of life than I have (not just in years, but in challenges and experiences I cannot imagine).

He provides me with unconditional love. He loves my best and accepts my worst. He challenges me to look at the most difficult aspects of myself. I love him and cannot imagine life without him.

At times I still find myself speeding ahead through life. I see friends getting married and having children, and I know I want that too. I struggle to not want that immediately.

Here I am at age twenty-nine, two semesters away from a master’s degree, working at my dream job, living in a wonderful city, in a wonderful and loving relationship, and yet I am constantly seeking the next thing. When will I get married? Buy a house? Have kids?

Why can’t I just live in the moment? Appreciate my life for what I have now?

This is something I have been working on over the past six months and I have found a few steps that are helpful when I have that particular “rushed” feeling.

1. Notice the small things.

I live in a small but urban city on the coast. The other night my boyfriend and I came back to my parked car after dinner to find a praying mantis sitting in the middle my windshield. We both just stared in awe and surprise—where did it come from?

I consider myself to be an open-minded skeptic when it comes to things like spirit animals, but I was not surprised to learn that praying mantis’ bring with them the idea of mindfulness and a reminder to slow down.

2. Count your blessings and keep perspective.

Chances are your life is pretty great. Yes, we all have struggles. But my “first world” problems are not life threatening, are they? Do I have an unsafe living situation? No. Do I struggle to find clean drinking water? Do I have a life-threatening illness? No and no.

I have everything I need to survive (and more)—and I bet you do too.

3. Do not compare.

Things aren’t always what they seem. That friend who just got married may not be totally happy in her career. That couple that just bought a house might be feeling strapped financially. There are ups and downs to every situation.

Trust that you are where you are supposed to be and that everything happens for a reason.

4. Find joy.

There is a lot of joy in each day; you just need to look for it. That toothless grin from a nine-year-old? Joy. Your cat pouncing on the nearest moving target? Joy. Leaves beginning to get their golden hue? Amazing. Pasta with homemade pesto? Awesome.

There are simply amazing things that happen every single day. Just open your eyes.

5. Control the controllables.

This is something my boyfriend always says, and I really like it. Change what you can and don’t stress about the rest. You cannot change traffic but you can change how you react to it. So you have an extra ten minutes in the car? See it as down time.

You cannot change others but you can change how you react to them. Your friend is late for dinner plans? Grab a beer and relax. Chances are it isn’t on purpose, and what is wrong with a little extra me-time?

6. Live in the moment.

I am a planner. I like to know when and where for pretty much everything that happens in my life. It is limiting, to say the least.

For some reason I seem to think that making plans will decrease my anxiety. But you know what makes me really anxious? When plans change. The thing is, plans change all the time! Life happens and you cannot control it.

Go with the flow. Plan only what you need to, and learn to take the day as it comes.

7. Trust the universe.

You don’t have to believe in a higher power for this one. You just have to notice all the good around you. There is proof right in front of you that things do turn out how they are supposed to. Find inspiration and hope in the happiness that surrounds you everyday.

December 11, 2012
The Zen of Writing: 7 Lessons About Living Wisely

“Logic will take you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” ~Albert Einstein

I feel grateful to be a writer not only because I love to write, but also because writing has been one of my greatest spiritual teachers. Challenges I face as a writer teach me important life lessons, just as life teaches me lessons I can apply to my writing.

Here are seven spiritual lessons I’ve learned—some the hard way—that can apply to writing and to life in general.

1. Be mindful.

Showing up—really showing up with all your attention—is the first and most important step to writing well. The same might be said of living well—that is, living deeply and fully. Before all else, it’s a matter of showing up and being in the moment.

You can’t expect to write well if you interrupt your writing process to surf the Internet or if your mind wanders to any number of things—usually thoughts that have to do with the past or the future, not the present.

Just as you can’t expect to write well unless you bring your attention to the task at hand—the one sentence you’re writing—you can’t expect to be fully alive if your mind wanders away from the present moment.

When you’re folding laundry, when you’re reading to your child, when you’re walking the dog, when you’re writing a sentence, that should be the only thing that matters.

2. Take things one day at a time.

You can’t write a novel in one day. You put in one day of mindful work, then another, then another, and the result—sometimes years later—might be a novel.

While it’s useful to keep long-term goals in mind, getting too far ahead of yourself can stifle you in the present. I used to keep “to do” lists that included things I wouldn’t need to do for weeks and months, until I realized that I was much more peaceful—and productive—when my “to do” list was limited to just one day—the day I was living. (more…)

December 10, 2012
5 Tips to Help You Embrace Extreme Change

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance” ~Alan Watts

My obsession at an early age became to follow my heart—a life’s search for meaning, adventure, and enlightenment.

This search has been remarkable, a journey that has brought me to fascinating places for extended stays (Japan, the UK, Australia, you name the place) and has led me to relationships with some of the most interesting, loving people from around the globe.

As exhilarating the feeling of following your heart can be, it’s not always the yellow brick road we envision. The journey can be ambiguous, and it can toss us around like in an airplane cabin during times of heavy turbulence.

In the midst of my latest adventure of working for a small marketing agency in Sydney, Australia, I received word from my general manager that my position would be eliminated.

This forfeited my visa rights to stay in the country. Instead of being overcome by the drama-loving ego, I felt a strong sense of inner peace, as if a path to an important journey lay ahead.

Sometimes spiritual journeys are not the fuzzy-feely ones we see all too often in modern pop culture, Eat, Pray, Love being one of them. Spiritual journeys can be physically challenging, emotionally daunting, and can require deep inner strength.

I received word that my best friend passed away shortly after arriving back in the States from Australia. Kari Bowerman had been pursing her passion for travel and passed away while vacationing in Vietnam. Her young travel companion (Cathy Huynh) passed away two days later.

We live in an ever-changing world, and we need to fine-tune our souls to release inner resistance and fully open to the journey—good, bad, or horrific. Here are five things I’ve learned that help in embracing extreme change:

1. Open your heart to divine guidance.

I craved a coffee immediately following the meeting with my general manager about my non-existent work visa. I had been on my latest health kick and had been caffeine-free for 65 days at the time.

I simply could not fight the compulsive urge at that moment and made a firm decision to make the 20-minute walk to my favorite quaint coffee shop in Sydney.

The exact minute I set foot in the coffee shop I was overcome with an extremely positive feeling. A song I hadn’t heard in years came over the airwaves by a famous one-hit wonder of his time. The lyrics were so comforting, and in that moment I knew everything was as it should be. (more…)

December 5, 2012
Death and Grieving: Breathing Through the Feeling of Loss

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” ~Dr. Seuss

The color brown has special significance to me; it’s the color of the robes that my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh and the monastics wear. It’s the color of my children’s eyes. It’s the color of the soil I like to dig in and plant things. It’s the color of my dog, Jake’s, paws and eyes and eyebrows

My husband came home today with a chocolaty brown gift bag. I could practically smell chocolate just looking at it. I find the color brown to be so comforting, so…grounding—and sometimes so delicious.

He brought the bag home from the veterinarian’s office; and when I realized what it was, the contraction I felt in my chest was met with equal measures of ease and calm. This can only be credited to my practice.

I know that inside this bag there is a little box. And if I open the lid, I will see the entire cosmos—earth, water, air, fire, space, and consciousness.

I will see clouds and flowers; rain and mountains; mud and a lotus. I will see tears of joy and of sorrow, because I will be looking at the remains of a beloved friend, Jake.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

These words have helped me stay with myself during a time when my four-legged friend was suffering, and when we knew it was an act of mercy to expedite his continuation.

Breathing in, my breath grows deep. Breathing out, my breath goes slowly.

I’m learning about freedom, about joy, about embracing my feelings like a mother embraces a crying baby. So at the veterinarian’s office, I came back to my breathing and held our friend, Jake, and breathed with him as the conditions for his manifestation in his old and sick body ceased; as the veterinarian injected the grapefruit-pink liquid that would liberate him.

Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I care for my body.

We said goodbye to Jake, to his beautiful brown eyes and eyebrows, his black, white and brown legs, his black body. He was a beautiful Border collie mix.

Sitting in the car in front of the veterinarian’s office crying, a haunting and irresistible sound came out of my purse, which was tucked away on the floor of the car. It was my iPhone playing the song, Ong Namo, sung by Snatam Kaur.

Oddly, I hadn’t listened to this song on my iPhone for months. (more…)

November 27, 2012
The Zen of Dogs: On Mindfulness, Compassion, and Connection

“Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.” ~Karl Barth

We were lying in bed. I said, “We can’t do it.” She said, “I don’t see what else we can do.” We lay there in silence, trying to figure it out.

It was the third big decision of our relationship. The first was when I asked Nicole to marry me. The second was when she said yes. And the third—the one we couldn’t figure out—was what to do about Ralph.

She’d had Ralph—a female German Shepherd—for a little over a year. Nicole had been waiting for years to get a dog, and now she’d found one, and it all felt so right—the timing, everything.

What she didn’t expect was meeting me.

And that I’d be allergic to dogs.

Nicole was heartbroken, but decided that the only way we could live together would be to find a new home for Ralph. So we did—a nice, older couple who’d lost a dog years earlier who looked just like Ralph. We went to their house, and Ralph loved it there.

But something in us just wasn’t ready to let Ralph go.

So we lay in bed and tried to come up with a solution. We were getting nowhere.

Then I surprised both of us by saying, “We’re not giving Ralph away. We’re just not.” We didn’t know what the solution would be, but we went on faith.

I ended up trying new allergy medicines, and here we are ten years later. Ralph, hard to believe, is almost eleven. Our decision to keep her turned out to be one of the best we made—not just because we love her (and dogs in general), but because Ralph has been such a spiritual teacher.

The first thing Ralph taught us is that you can’t predict the specifics of your life. You just can’t. You can envision the future, but life often turns out to be not quite what we were planning.

And this is a good thing.

So often we strive for control, certainty, predictability, but imagine how dull life would be, how much less wondrous, if we knew the specifics of our lives—the challenges as well as the joys—before they happened. (more…)

November 4, 2012
Happiness is the Value of Every Moment

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

“What is happiness?” What a completely dense and loaded question this is.

During my studies in psychology, one of the main principles we learned about writing a manuscript is the importance of defining what you are discussing. If I were to write a paper about happiness, I would then need to operationally define happiness in terms that allowed everyone to understand what I was referring to.

The problem with this, however, is that we then merely repeat the best definition we come by, thinking we understand the meaning while never truly questioning our own thoughts on the matter; therefore never truly experiencing it.

I believe this happens in the majority of circumstances, and know that I did this for many years. It is much simpler to just go along with life rather than ask yourself those true and deep questions that will rattle your world.

My whole life I have been searching for tranquility, to feel at peace within myself, for “happiness.”

After a traumatic adolescence, I spent my life in fear, seeking control to make up for that which was taken from me. This brought me an abundance of pain and so much confusion.

But I thought I would no longer be hurt if I could control everything around me. This, for obvious reasons, never worked, and I couldn’t seem to understand why.

A special person in my life always taught me to question what I’m told. On the subject of happiness, he said that he had never heard a definition that made sense to him, and therefore, didn’t believe happiness existed.

This was the saddest thing I have ever heard. It inspired me to find a definition that would touch his heart. (more…)

October 30, 2012
6 Tips to Keep Becoming Who You’re Meant to Be

“Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

Last October, in a whiplash-fast, three-hour labor, two and half weeks before my due date, I gave birth to my first baby, a boy, named Jackson.

While pregnancy hadn’t been a breeze—I was hospitalized twice with complications, and, you know, no sushi for nine months—the first few weeks of Jackson’s life left me feeling, at times, like a shattered shell of my former self.

His was an ear-piercing scream that seemed endless in those early days, leaving me both physically and mentally exhausted; and save for a few smiles, the hint of who he’d become was so teeny—like a faint, faraway twinkle in the night sky—that I wondered how I’d ever form the bond with my child I so deeply craved.

Around the time Jackson turned five months old, things began to shift. While his ear-piercing screams still made an occasional guest appearance, an infectious laugh had begun filling some of the spaces between them.

And the sleepless nights that so recently left me dragging through each day, dreaming of Egyptian Cotton sheets and a strong sedative, had been replaced with eight-, nine-, sometimes even 12-hour blocks of sleep.

Jackson was becoming a funny, inquisitive, playful little person with a growing personality and a whole host of new tricks: rolling, sitting up, babbling, crawling, clapping. He reacted and responded to me now in a way that felt like communication, using a language of giggles, grunts, and physical cues.

All these changes, as well as the growing bond between us, reminded me of why I’d been so excited to have a child in the first place: It’s super cool to raise and watch a person rapidly evolve through the formative stages of becoming who he’s meant to be.

I am also reminded that those stages—those opportunities for growth—may slow in adulthood, but they’re always there for those interested in pursuing them. One of the best ways to find them is to engage in the world like a baby does, by following these six tips: (more…)

October 2, 2012
Your Thoughts Create Your World: Patrol Your Mind

“Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them.” ~Paramahansa Yogananda

In my second year of residency, I went through my internal medicine rotation. I had just been assigned to a particular patient and was responsible for his care during that part of his stay. His medical chart stated he had multiple systemic issues, including more than one terminal condition.

He had been admitted to the hospital numerous times, but this was our first encounter. As I entered his room, I wasn’t sure what to expect. After all, this was a man with a limited amount of time left.

In the past, I’d had a few patients turn their anger toward me simply because I came into their space. Others were indifferent. Who could blame them? They were facing difficult circumstances—some of them potentially fatal. I just assumed this gentleman would fall into one of the two categories.

I was wrong.

When I walked in, I was met with a heartwarming smile and genuine welcome. This soft-spoken gentleman greeted me in the way one would a friend. I immediately felt a warmth and connection to him, and over the next few days he became the highlight of my day.

Looking back, I had to wonder what made this man face his situation in a completely different manner than others. He was able to keep the most pleasant disposition despite the fact that his body was slowly shutting down under the strain of his multiple ailments.

I understand now that he simply made a choice.

He could have easily chosen to think that life was unfair. He could have chosen to think he had a right to have a nasty attitude. He could have chosen to die bitter and broken.

He didn’t. He chose to think differently of circumstances most of us would consider dire. He chose not to dwell on the negative but instead made an effort to create positivity around him. If he had the power to choose a higher thought about his situation, it stands to reason that we all do. (more…)

September 30, 2012
7 Important Questions to Ask Yourself Today

“What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

During the first week of July 2012, a storm left my little town and nearly one million other people in the Mid-Atlantic Region without electricity. The outage lasted eight days for Buffalo, Ohio, and we saw triple digits (F) each day.

I spent much of my free time in a hammock practicing my watching skills. I watched as I breathed in. I watched as I breathed out.

I watched thoughts pop up out of nowhere as I watched the leaves of two young oak trees dance in the hot, humid July breeze.

I think that week here in Ohio was as impactful as the 10-day Thich Nhat Hanh Retreat I experienced in October 2011.

It’s amazing to me the amount of perspective one can gain in such a short period of time.

The day the electricity was restored I decided to limit myself to just a few minutes on the Internet, which turned into an hour. I then returned to my hammock to watch my breath and my thoughts.

I wanted to make sure I understood the lessons of that week, and most of all I wanted to take with me the peace of mind I had rediscovered.

So, there I was—under those two trees listening to birds chirp in the absence of gas generators and watching my thoughts.

I brought with me a pen, a legal pad, and a few questions I thought would be helpful to answer before I plugged back in and continued to do what I do.

Question 1: What Brings Meaning to Your Experience?

As I asked this question to my “self,” I started to realize that my focus has been all over the place.

I have a long list of goals. I spent most of my life goofing off, and never thought I could do much of anything. Since I realized that I can do whatever I decide, setting and achieving goals has been fun for me. (more…)

August 27, 2012