Tag: kindness
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He Looked Like a Wallet Thief, But He Surprised Everyone
What would you do if you found a wallet with cash and credit cards on the street? This man took it and went shopping—but what he did next completely shocked the man who set up this little experiment and followed him with a camera.
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Surprise Makeovers for Some Very Grateful Seniors
So often, people of a certain age feels less important or forgotten, but not these women from Mount Olivet Senior Care Center.
Volunteers from the group I Am Kindness surprised them with glamorous makeovers, and they all look absolutely beautiful. But it’s not the makeup or bling that did it. It’s the light that shines through their eyes, and that’s the power of love, kindness, and attention.
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7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life
“Embrace each challenge in your life as an opportunity for self-transformation.” ~Bernie S. Siegel
I’d been having mild pain for about a week—a consistent, dull ache in the center of my chest.
I’m thirty-nine years old with no personal history of heart disease, or of anything else for that matter. Worry hadn’t yet consumed me, but I was keeping an eye on the pain to see if it got better or worse.
Once a week I drive ninety Los Angeles miles round trip for work. I say “Los Angeles” miles because I should theoretically be able to make the journey there and back in just over two hours, but it can take up to five, since I spend almost the entire commute on the perpetually traffic-ensnarled 405 freeway.
It was during this commute that the pain began to feel more intense. I thought my left hand felt tingly. My mind, always a little bit anxious when driving in LA, ratcheted up the worry ten-fold.
I envisioned having a full-on heart attack while driving in rush hour traffic. I made a mental laundry list of the ensuing consequences, such as passing out and losing control of the car or what would happen to all of my debt if I died. Whose lives would be irrevocably changed for the worse?
I managed to calm myself down enough to make it home, but once there my dutiful and pragmatic husband suggested a trip to the Emergency Room. I was in no shape to argue, and truthfully was grateful that he echoed my own escalating concern.
During my visit to the ER and the subsequent overnight hospital stay, I had lots of opportunities to overreact and feel sorry for myself. I’m sure I did quite a bit of both. But I also saw it as an opportunity to remember and to practice some of the hard-won lessons I’ve learned over the years.
1. The most important things in life are worth waiting for.
It’s no surprise that the name for someone receiving medical care is the same as the word for tolerating delays without becoming annoyed or anxious.
The ER was so busy the intake nurse joked that they must be running a special she didn’t know about. After taking my vitals and determining that I was not having a heart attack at that very moment, I was sent to the lobby where I waited for over five hours to be seen.
I almost talked myself into leaving several times, convinced that if I really was experiencing something serious they would have seen me right away. But I have a family history of heart disease, and the pain wasn’t going away, so I opted to stay.
It turns out that I (thankfully) don’t have a heart problem, but that was not for me to determine.
In our modern age of instant gratification, exercising patience can be a real challenge, especially because we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want right away. But there’s a reason why people often say the most important things in life are worth waiting for—they are. Particularly when your well-being is at stake.
2. A little kindness can go a long way.
“Be nice to others and they will be nice to you” doesn’t always pan out, but when you’re in a busy hospital with doctors and nurses who are stretched to their limits and beyond, a little kindness goes a long way. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm when necessary, but remember the person you’re talking to is a human being.
Be respectful. In most cases, you’ll find that respect is reciprocated. Everyone has feelings, and most people are doing the best they can with the tools and resources they have.
3. What works for others may not work for you.
If learned nothing else from this incident, it is that nitroglycerin is not my friend. Yes, nitro is a life-saving wonder drug that opens blood vessels so blood can continue to flow through damaged heart tissue. But if you are prone to migraine headaches as I am, taking a nitro tablet as a precaution is just plain awful.
Nitroglycerin did nothing for my chest pain, but it did give me an instant, crushing headache that lingered for three days. If nitro is going to save my life, I will certainly take it. But if I’m taking it as a precaution, I will think twice in the future.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Sometimes knowing what doesn’t work is just as important as knowing what does. It can literally save you a headache or two down the line.
4. Happiness is being grateful for the small things.
I was finally admitted to a room at 2AM, with a roommate restlessly snoring in the next bed.
I felt dehydrated and a little nauseated from taking a cocktail of meds on an empty stomach. All I could think about was how much better I would feel if I could just eat a cracker, so I asked the nurse who brought me to my room if she could possibly bring me one.
A few moments later she returned with not one, but eight crackers—and two cups of apple juice! I almost cried with relief and gratitude. I think I thanked her four times, which she seemed to appreciate.
I also asked if she might have any earplugs, when I noticed a small box on the bedside table. It not only contained earplugs, but also a face mask, a book of crossword puzzles, a pencil, and—what felt like the best thing in the whole world—ChapStick! I actually squealed “OOO, CHAPSTICK!” out loud with delight.
I gave a silent “thank you!” to the genius that thought to include ChapStick in that box while I slathered the stuff on my lips and downed the crackers and juice. I popped in the earplugs and fell asleep with lubricated lips and a stomach that was no longer doing gymnastics.
It’s the small things, people. Finding joy in the seemingly insignificant moments and the small gifts is how to find happiness every day, even in the most trying circumstances. I think the choice to be happy is one of the most transformational decisions a person can ever make.
5. Laughter is the best medicine.
I did not sleep well that night. The earplugs didn’t really help to cancel out the various noises coming from my roommate, including the spa piano music she was playing to help her sleep.
But as I lay there listening to her snore, she suddenly blurted out in a thick Polish accent, “Wrong chef!” She then mumbled something under her breath and continued the buzz saw serenade. I laughed out loud, wondering what she could possibly be dreaming about.
Amusing things happen every day. Don’t get so caught up in the serious moments that you can’t have a laugh or two. Studies show laughter actually improves health, and will most certainly lighten your mood.
6. We could all use a little compassion.
While it could have been easy to be seriously annoyed by my roommate, I chose instead to practice compassion. Yes, she was an obstacle preventing me from getting rest. But she was also in the hospital because she wasn’t feeling well.
Couldn’t we all use a little extra compassion from others when we aren’t feeling our best? Letting go of my irritation not only allowed her to continue doing whatever it was she felt she needed to do in order to feel better, it actually made me feel better.
One night of poor sleep isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Being compassionate is.
7. Now is the time to prepare.
There really is no feeling worse than knowing you are woefully underprepared for serious circumstances.
This isn’t to say you should be constantly worrying about the future, but having the courage to face the inevitable consequence of life (which is, of course, death), can mitigate much of that worry. I don’t want my loved ones to be left in the lurch with my passing.
It’s finally time to admit that I’m a grown-up and I need to act like one, which means obtaining life insurance so my family doesn’t find themselves saddled with financial responsibility they aren’t prepared to handle when I’m gone.
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Sometimes it takes big, scary moments to remind us that the quality of our lives is not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to those experiences.
Why wait until you’re confronted with a serious situation to adopt one or more of these behaviors? Not only will it make your daily life richer and more meaningful, but it’ll also give you the tools you need to survive and thrive when life takes an unexpected turn.
Strong, confident woman image via Shutterstock
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Being Kind to Others Is Being Kind to Yourself
“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ~John Holmes
I moved to Vermont to work at a ski lodge the day after I turned twenty-two.
I had finished college six months earlier; September 11th had made finding a “real” job in my field pretty much impossible, and I was ready for adventure.
Somehow I had been hired to be the head waitress in the lodge’s basement eatery, where we served family-style meals every single morning and six nights a week.
I had no waitressing experience whatsoever; I’m pretty sure I was hired for this position because I was older than some of the other employees, had a college degree (uh, in studio art), and had worked at a concession stand at the beach for three summers during college. I mean, at least I had handled food before, right?
Up until this point, my customer service skills were severely stunted. I barely tolerated customers; I rarely even spoke to them. The extent of my “service” skills involved making sure they got the right kind of soda and correct change.
In fact, at my very first job, as a cashier at a big box store where I had to wear a blue vest, a customer actually complained about me to management. I didn’t smile, I wasn’t friendly, and I wasn’t helpful. (In my defense, I was sixteen. And wearing a blue vest.)
One night at the ski lodge, I’ll never forget this, a couple who had come to stay every single year for the past decade pulled me aside so the husband could tell me something in private. “Your attitude comes off as very distant and aloof. I can tell you’re just shy, but you seem very unfriendly.”
Whoa.
For some reason having this older gentleman tell me how I seemed to outsiders absolutely, completely turned me and my attitude around.
He was right—I was shy, and also uncertain about myself. I was afraid to be friendly, afraid to come out of my shell and potentially embarrass myself.
But I didn’t want to be seen as unfriendly and aloof. I wanted to connect with people, I just didn’t know how.
As the ski season went on, I did my best to make little changes: more eye contact, more smiles, more conversation. I can’t say I immediately saw a huge shift, but I was trying.
Fast-forward another couple of years: after traveling around the country for a while (even living in a tent at one point; aren’t your twenties great?), I ended up back at the ski lodge again. This time, I was hired to work at the front desk.
The front desk?? Where all the people were? All the time?
Yup, that front desk.
By this time the lodge had changed hands, and the new owner said something to me about how to talk on the phone with customers that left a lasting impression. She said, “Smile when you talk, because customers can hear it all the way through the phone.”
She was so right. I still think about that any time I’m on the phone with a customer or client.
I can’t tell you exactly what happened to me during that ski season, but by the time my parents came up for a visit in the spring and saw me in action, they were impressed with how friendly and confident I was with guests, but not nearly as impressed (and happy) as I was.
All of a sudden I loved helping people. I was thrilled when guests came to check in, adored giving restaurant recommendations, and was elated to tell prospective clients all that our area had to offer.
Suddenly, I realized how wonderful it was to be kind—being friendly to others actually made me happier!
I don’t know why for all those years I had thought keeping silent or being disgruntled was good for me—I guess I just didn’t know any different.
After a year in Vermont, I moved down to the mountains of North Carolina (just as pretty; a whole lot warmer), where I landed myself another hotel job, this time at an historic inn. Within a year or so I was running the front desk and was managing events, and I loved it!
Friday afternoons when we got a crush of people, ready to kick off their relaxing visit? Pure bliss for me!
Sunday mornings, when guests were checking out and wanted to reminisce about their weekend? Utter satisfaction!
A brunch where the quiche turned out just right and the hostess had properly impressed her friends? My work was done!
New Year’s Eve? Best night of the year! I actually put myself on for the late night shift (I was in charge of scheduling) so my employees could be off, but I could be part of the fun.
The same group of guests came to celebrate every year, and I’d walk the hallways, being invited into open rooms for a bite of fancy cheese or a swig of champagne.
I don’t know how to explain it, other than being kind and helping others completed something in me I didn’t even know was missing.
If you’ve ever felt like you wanted to connect more with others, to offer kindness and support, but feel too shy or nervous about the possibility of being rejected, I want to tell you that stepping out of your shell, even just a little bit, can bring enormous rewards.
Pick something that feels easy and comfortable to you. Do you have to be on the phone frequently for your job? Try smiling when you’re talking on the phone, even if you feel a little silly, even if the person on the other end is being difficult or unfriendly. I bet you’ll feel really good when you hang up.
Perhaps you notice a new participant in your yoga class, someone who seems uncertain and hangs in the back. Do whatever feels best—smile, wave, walk over and introduce yourself. Imagine if you were in the same position; wouldn’t it feel great for someone to reach out to you?
Ask coworkers if they need a hand with anything. Ask friendly questions of your new neighbor. Volunteer for a local charity or library.
Anything that connects you with others and allows you to flex your kindness muscle will do. You’ll be amazed to see that being kind makes other people happy, but brings an even greater joy to you.
After working at the inn for a few years I moved on to a hospitality job at the local airport, and from there realized that I wanted to expand my kindness and help others on an even more profound level, but there’s a part of me that will always miss working at a hotel.
Interacting with guests taught me so much about myself. It gave me so much confidence, and it taught me one of the most important lessons of my life: to be kind to others was to be kind to myself. I hope you’ll open your heart to learning the same lesson.
Kindness image via Shutterstock
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A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence
“Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu
Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? That while you have moments of reprieve, they are transient and short lived?
It may be that the problem lies with your confidence—in your belief in your ability to bring about successful outcomes when you experience challenges.
For many of us, our attitudes toward ourselves continually undermine our confidence.
That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.
If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.
It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.
So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.
Until I burned out.
I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.
I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?
Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.
So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.
We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.
Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.
Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.
What a relief that would be!
Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.
And you would keep going.
Life would be full of possibility and hope.
So how can you do that?
Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. So it requires patience, attention, and effort.
Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.
People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.
Self-compassion involves three components:
- Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
- Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience
- Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.
How to Become Kinder to Yourself
1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.
Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.
2. Gently start practicing a different response.
This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgmental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.
3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.
Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgmental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.
4. Practice, practice, practice!
Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.
This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.
Confident pose image via Shutterstock
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How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary
“In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.” ~Robert Braul
I’ve been married to my wife for almost ten years, most of them involving struggle and drama.
I had two failed marriages before that.
This qualifies me to give relationship advice because, well, let’s just say I’ve made every mistake someone could possibly make while attempting to be in a relationship, so I’ve definitely figured out how not to do it.
Blunders, confusion, and oversights, not to mention abject failures, have bludgeoned me into a few realizations—the most important one was that being a self-absorbed, insensitive jerk wasn’t exactly working for either one of us.
For so many years, the best relationship I can remember having was with my dog.
The thing is, watching Beauregard chase sticks, or sitting on the couch together watching football while he scratched himself behind the ear, was hardly going to be the next best-selling romance novel.
Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t terrible. I mean, my wife Jeannie and I have never fought very much, but there was always an undercurrent of dissatisfaction and frustration.
It wasn’t terrible, but then again, it wasn’t great either.
Shouldn’t it be great?
Almost ten years into my third marriage, I decided that’s it’s never too late to take responsibility and be the catalyst for change.
My wife is a sensitive, caring, nurturing woman who loves her children and, I believe, loves me.
And I love her. I’m a devoted, faithful husband. So what was the problem?
Well, we had begun moving in our own little worlds. Together but separate. Our own interests and separate friends. We’d pass each other in the hallway occasionally.
Taking her for granted just snuck up on me. She deserved better, and I knew it.
Looking back, I can’t believe the amount of resentment and heartache I put her through, yet there she was almost ten years later—despite the frustration and bitterness, she was hanging in there with never a thought of giving up.
Then I had an epiphany.
If I were going to have the kind of extraordinary, fulfilling relationship with my wife that I knew we were capable of and deserved, I’d have to bring some focus and intention to the situation.
How to Become the Partner Your Significant Other Deserves
Bringing her flowers or cooking him his favorite steak dinner once every six months is kind of like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. It’s a nice gesture, but ultimately it won’t fix the problem.
No, I decided to take a more fundamental approach—changing my attitudes and behaviors so as to create a different paradigm to work from.
Here are the changes that had the greatest impact on transforming our relationship.
Give in once in a while (even if you think you’re right).
Picking your battles can relieve a lot of pressure. It dawned on me that I just didn’t need to be right about everything.
I stopped digging my heels in and standing my ground about things that didn’t make that much difference in the first place.
Sure, I still needed to set my boundaries, but now I make certain it’s something that’s truly worth fighting for. I found that most of the things we were getting upset over really weren’t that important for me to be right about.
I found that if you can just let go and give up your addiction to being right all the time, things will smooth out substantially.
You know the old saying. “Would you rather be right or happy?”
Forgive yourself.
Sometimes I feel like a mistake machine waiting to be turned up to nine on the screw-up-o-meter.
We all charge off in the wrong direction occasionally, but some of the rock-headed things I’ve managed to pull off have been world class!
I concluded that the only way to feel good about myself was to forgive myself.
Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you can then ask your partner to forgive you. This will allow for a fresh start, and you can begin relating to each other in a more open and loving way.
Tell the truth (but maybe not every fact down to the smallest detail).
Being honest and forthright is the only way forward.
I’ve always been faithful, and I’ve been honest about the big stuff.
It was the $100 power drill purchase or the traffic ticket for sliding through the stop sign that I’d sweep under the table occasionally.
I’ve learned that it’s about integrity and how you feel about yourself.
Now I try to be open and aboveboard about everything I do. Even if I think it’s trivial and unimportant.
That being said, its best to be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings by not needing to share every detail about things in the past that have no bearing on the present or future.
For instance, things like the intimate details of prior relationships.
(There is a big difference between being open and honest and insensitively over-sharing.)
Practice random kindness and generosity.
I know I mentioned earlier about how bringing her flowers or cooking him a nice dinner was just a Band-Aid.
Be that as it may, I’ve found that occasionally surprising your partner with something great can move the needle toward extraordinary quite quickly.
It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. (Or, it could be if it makes financial sense.) Just do something nice.
You know your partner, so you know what that thing is.
You’ll be amazed at how good it will make you feel to do something nice for somebody just because that person is your best friend, and they deserve it.
The reaction you get just might be extraordinary
Giving your all is the key.
It can be very frustrating to feel that you’ve given your all to a relationship and not gotten as much (or anything) in return.
It’s been my experience that you can’t change or “fix” the other person unless that person really wants to change. But if you can stay in good communication with your partner, make sure your boundaries are set, and most importantly (if the relationship is important to you), don’t give up, there is an excellent chance your partner will sooner or later have an epiphany like mine.
This is what Jeannie did, and it’s one of the main things that eventually led to me waking up like I did.
The most important realization was that I needed to give much more to the relationship than I had been giving.
It’s Never Too Late
Every relationship is different, but I believe that if you practice the above advice, as well as maintain good-quality two-way communication, your relationship will move from ordinary to extraordinary.
All that’s required is a little focus and intention.
Jeannie and I could have muddled along the way we were, and things would have been okay, but I chose to make an effort to make it extraordinary.
What about you?
Embracing couple image via Shutterstock
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70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special
“Be the person that makes others feel special. Be known for your kindness and grace.” ~Unknown
There is someone in my life that has an extraordinary talent for making people feel special. I would call him out by name, but he’s a fairly private person, so we’ll just call him “E.”
It’s not that E makes people feel that they are somehow greater than others. He recognizes what’s special about everyone he encounters, and through his attention, kindness, and generosity, brings out the best in them.
He doesn’t do this through grand gestures, and not with expectations of receiving anything specific in return.
He does it because he enjoys making people feel good, and because he sees the good in them, he knows that they deserve it.
In a world where it’s easy to focus on ourselves—our goals, our desires, and our plans—there’s something inspiring and, well, downright special about anyone who makes it a priority to truly see and acknowledge the people around them.
I haven’t always done this well. Sometimes I’ve been too self-involved to shift my focus outside myself.
But with help from some special people who’ve seen the best in me, I now know that every day—no, every moment—I have a new opportunity to do the same for someone else. And you do too.
How do you make someone feel special?
Pay Attention
1. Stop what you’re doing and look directly into their eyes when they’re talking.
2. Make a note of their likes and preferences so you can recommend joint activities you know they’ll enjoy.
3. Recognize when they’re feeling down on themselves and say, “I think you’re awesome, and I hope you know it!”
4. Compliment them on their appearance, especially if it’s something others might not recognize (like a small weight loss).
5. Praise them for a job well done—especially if it’s a tiny victory that others might not think to acknowledge.
6. Let them know what you find interesting, rare, or admirable about them.
7. Take an interest in their hobbies and passions, and give them a chance to light up in sharing why they enjoy them.
8. Compliment them on their skills as a parent or their thoughtfulness as a son, daughter, brother, or sister.
9. Start a conversation with, “It’s really amazing how you…”
10. Say, “I want you to know you make a difference in my life. Thank you for being you.”
See Potential
11. Tell them you believe they can achieve their dream—and why.
12. If they don’t have a clear dream, recognize and acknowledge their skills and talents.
13. Ask them questions to help them uncover how they can leverage their strengths to make a difference in the world.
14. Encourage them to go for something they want but are scared to pursue.
15. Comfort them after a failure or misstep and let them know it isn’t representative of who they are or what they’re capable of.
16. Ask them to teach you how to do something to reinforce that this is something they excel at.
17. Offer to teach them something you know they’ve wanted to try, and let them know why you think they’d be good at this.
18. Give them something to help them get started on their dream—like a journal for an aspiring writer, or a design book for someone interested in fashion.
19. Tell them you want to be the first one to buy their product or service when they inevitably start making a living off their passion.
20. Give them a hand-made card and write inside what you see in them.
Give Generously
21. Give your time—to listen, to support, or to just enjoy each other’s company.
22. Give them a job referral and say, “You’re the first person I thought of when I saw this—no one could do this job as well as you!”
23. Give an introduction to someone they’d enjoy knowing—and introduce them with a compliment (i.e.: This is my good friend Avery, who’s a fantastic chef and one of the funniest people I know).
24. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they’ve done something thoughtful or insensitive, remember their goodness, and let them know.
25. Give them your approval—nod your head when they’re talking and commend their thoughts and ideas.
26. Give them space to work through thoughts and ideas out loud, even if you’re tempted to bring the conversation back to yourself.
27. Give them credit for something they were right about.
28. Give them the opportunity to shine in front of others when you’re tempted to dominate the conversation.
29. Give compassion when you’re tempted to judge, and let them know what you admire about the challenges they’ve overcome.
30. Give them your honest opinion and say, “I value you too much to tell you anything but the truth.”
Be Affectionate
31. Give them a hug when they’re feeling down, and hold it just a little longer than usual.
32. Give them a playful nudge when joking around to show you’re tight like that.
33. Literally pat them on the back when offering praise.
34. Squeeze their hand when they’re anxious.
35. Cuddle up to you partner instead of maintaining distance on the couch.
36. Offer to give a massage to someone you know would be comfortable receiving it.
37. Actually kiss someone on the cheek instead of giving an air kiss.
38. Hold hands with your partner when walking outside (or, if you have friends who enjoy holding hands, go for it!)
39. Sit comfortably close together to show you’re not avoiding physical connection at all costs.
30. If you know they don’t enjoy too much affection, give them a handshake when greeting them to show you understand and respect their preferences.
Share Yourself
41. Share your fears with them to let them know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with them.
42. Share your feelings with them and let them know you value their guidance and support.
43. Share your honest opinions instead of censoring yourself to show them you’re comfortable enough to be authentic with them.
44. Share your dreams with them and let them know you appreciate their advice and encouragement.
45. Share your resources with them—especially if they’re scarce—to show they’re worth the sacrifice.
46. Share something you cooked for them to show them they’re worth the effort.
47. Share your spirituality with them, and invite them to join you in practicing yoga or going to church.
48. Share a secret with them to show them your trust.
49. Share something that will become an inside joke between just the two of you.
50. Share something you value with them to show them you value them more.
Do Together
51. Invite them to join you in doing something important, like picking out something for your partner’s birthday.
52. Ask if you can help with something important they’re planning to do.
53. Plan a surprise event for them, either to celebrate a tiny victory or just because you care.
54. Invite them to something that will be a bonding experience, like a spa day or a sporting event.
55. Buy an extra ticket to something you know they’d enjoy, and offer it to them.
56. Ask them to join you in doing something regularly, like joining a bowling league, and let them know why it would be way more fun with them there.
57. Include them in a group event to show you consider them part of the gang.
58. Ask for their input in planning a group event to let them know you value their thoughts and ideas.
59. Devote a weekend day or night (or both) to spending time together instead of squeezing them in for a quick lunch.
60. When you’ve been busy, say, “I haven’t had much time lately, but I miss you! When can we get together and catch up?”
Be Together
61. Invite them to sit around with you, just to relax and enjoy each other’s company.
62. Ask them if they’d like to enjoy the outdoors with you, whether that means lying in the beach in the summer, or drinking hot chocolate near a snow-covered window in the winter.
63. Ask them if they want company when they feel drained after a long week, to show you don’t need a formal plan to be there for and with them.
64. Offer to come over, while they’re home, so you can be an extra set of eyes to watch their kids.
65. Sit in comfortable silence instead of needing to fill the air to show you’re comfortable enough to do this.
66. Offer to stay with them when they’re sick, just in case they need anything.
67. Invite them to join you in a technology free day—one without any distractions from simply being, together.
68. Ask them to share their favorite way to relax on a day off, and then ask if they want to do this together.
69. Invite them to join you in meditating. (If you don’t meditate, invite them to try it with you, at home or in a group environment.)
70.
I left the last one intentionally blank for you to fill in. What do you do to make others feel special, and what makes you feel special when others do it for you?
Finger art image via Shutterstock
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Transforming Shame Into Love, One Good Deed At A Time
“No one is useless in the world who lightens the burdens of another.” ~Charles Dickens
A few years back, I saw a sticker that read, “Be the change you wish to see in the world. –Gandhi.”
My knee-jerk reaction was annoyance because the sticker was affixed to the bumper of a car that turned left in front of me. I was in the middle of a long stretch of bad days, so pretty much anything would have set me off.
My search for happiness during that bleak period seemed fruitless, most likely because I didn’t know that happiness is not a destination where, upon arrival, we get to unpack our bags and stay forever. Happiness is just one of many “rest stops” on the highway of life.
Just as rest stops are meant to come and go, so is happiness. We recognize a feeling in our conscious field, stretch into that feeling for as long as needed, and eventually, get back in the car and “drive” until the next one comes along.
Of course, there are other stops along the highway as well: loneliness, excitement, hope, anger, longing, etc.
Eight months after ending a toxic relationship, I was spending an inordinate amount of time at the rest stop of shame.
Not only had I allowed myself to stay in a relationship with someone who treated me poorly, I felt like a failure when the relationship ended. Seems I had special talent for beating myself up, both coming and going.
Each one of our feelings speaks to us in its own unique voice. For me, shame sounded like, “You’re a loser!” or “You’re boring!” or, my personal favorite, “No one will ever love you!” The voices of our feelings can tell us things that feel true but, in fact, are not true.
When I heard the voice of shame, it took everything in my power to fight the urge to isolate from a world I was convinced I didn’t deserve to be part of.
The world seemed pretty dark at the time and I worried I would never find the light again. (This is what hopelessness sounds like, by the way.)
It was at precisely this time that Gandhi’s words came along, disguised as an obstacle in my path. Seeing those words reminded me that we cannot control how we feel; we can only control what we do with how we feel.
While I could not control shame, I could control how small I allowed it to make my world.
I had no idea how to “make” myself happy, but I was desperate to try anything. I decided to conduct a little social experiment to test Gandhi’s words. Because I wanted to transform shame into happiness, despair into love, it was up to me to sprinkle happiness and love into the world.
I called the experiment “The Mizvah Project” and challenged myself to perform at least one good deed per week. The good deed could be any action, small or large, as long as the net result would put more positive energy into the world.
I wasn’t feeling too positively energetic at the time, so a week seemed plenty of time to do at least one small thing. (After all, starting from ground zero, there was nowhere to go but upward.)
Once the goal was set, I noticed a slight positive shift in perspective. I was no longer wondering what in the world could make the pain stop, I was asking myself what I could do to bring more love into the world.
The experiment began.
If I appreciated something about someone, I went out of my way to tell them.
If I knew someone who was struggling and needed a sympathetic ear, I called and listened.
If I saw a piece of trash on the sidewalk, I picked it up.
A friend needed help redesigning her office, so I did it.
If my son was having a bad day, I surprised him at school with takeout from his favorite restaurant.
Momentum didn’t take long to build, so I quickly bumped the target up to three mitzvahs per week. Augmenting the goal brought with it another noticeable shift in my worldview: a significant uptick in the compassion. This was encouraging.
If a car turned left in front of me, I told myself the driver was probably lost and needed help; if someone was rude at the grocery store, I assumed they were having a bad day and needed extra patience; if I screwed something up, I spoke nicely and encouragingly to myself.
I began to believe—I mean in-my-core believe—that all human beings, even those who hurt us, are deserving of love and compassion.
It’s been almost two years since The Mitzvah Project started. I am happy to report the shame that once felt like a constant companion has given way to greater connectedness with the people around me (whether they are trusted friends or complete strangers) and with myself. Overall, thankfully, I spend less time in despair and more time in contentment.
It hasn’t been all wine and roses since I started the project—shame still shows up on the highway from time to time. The difference is, where I once would have addressed the voice of shame with harshness and criticism, I now speak to it in a kinder, gentler voice; as if I were a child in pain.
Approaching our shame with loving curiosity eventually reduces shame’s need to manifest itself in ways that don’t serve us.
Inside each of us is a deep well of love, patiently awaiting our own recognition. Mindful acts of kindness and compassion, however large or small, are the portals to this love.
If you have been spending more than your fair share of time at the rest stops of shame and despair, I urge you to consider asking yourself how you can bring to the world the change you wish to see.
The voice of shame may try to convince you that you cannot do it. Shame lies; don’t believe it.
It is easy to overlook the gifts we can offer the world, just by showing up and giving of ourselves.
Perhaps there is someone in your life who could benefit from a pair of good ears and strong shoulders; a park in your neighborhood that could use a little clean sweep; an overdue birthday card that needs a stamp. Start small and, if you feel inspired, work your way up from there.
Shame can be stubborn and may stick around for a while, and that is okay. It is when we are visiting the rest stop of shame that we are most worthy of our own loving support.
When you feel the darkness, gently remind yourself that this is where you are right now; it is not who you are for always.
Feelings are temporary—the next one will come along eventually. In the meantime, remind yourself that you are doing everything in your power to put loving energy into the world; this is enough.
Healing can be found in unexpected places when we embody the change we hope to see.
Acting in service of bringing love and light into the world helps us find the love and light within ourselves. One good deed at a time, today’s despair slowly transforms itself into tomorrow’s hope.
Friends laughing image via Shutterstock
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Giving the Benefit of the Doubt to Rude or Annoying People
“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ~Henry James
Some lessons you learn once, and they last a lifetime.
I loved to bake as a child, and one day I put a bowl of batter in the microwave with the metal whisk I was using to stir it. A minute later, I pulled the bowl out of the microwave and grabbed the hot metal whisk with my bare hand.
When I think about it, I can still feel the burn from the metal that took several weeks to heal.
Some lessons last a lifetime.
And some don’t.
When I was a little girl, we had a housekeeper for about a month. We came home one day to find that she had stolen several things from our home.
“Mom! Can you believe Lupe stole these things?! How could she?!”
My mom barely reacted to this news. “She must have needed them more than we did.”
I was outraged. “How can you say that? What she did was wrong!”
My mom calmly replied, “Melanie, you never know what someone else is going through.”
I wish I’d remembered that lesson many years later when I was the unit coordinator of an emergency room.
Patients, medical staff, family members, paramedics, and the intercom created a cacophony of voices. People were shouting and running, beeps and buzzers were going off, and the phones were ringing constantly.
There was a separate phone used for patient calls. Its distinctive ring was as welcome as a hammer to my skull on this frenetic day. Just my luck, I was at the desk next to the room of a patient who called every five minutes.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
First, she called for ice chips. She needed her bed raised; she needed her bed lowered. She needed the phone, and then she needed the phone hung up.
Every request she had was heralded by that awful BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I could have handled it if she asked for what she needed in a normal voice. Instead, she whined each request, as if she was at death’s door, which I’m sure she was not.
“Ooh,” she whined, “I need the TV remote.”
Anyone whose biggest problem is not being able to reach the TV remote has it good in the emergency room, wouldn’t you say?
I mean, we were in a major trauma center. There were people getting CPR, coming in with gunshot wounds, or rushing to surgery as soon as they came through the door, at the same time this woman was whining about not being able to reach the TV remote.
I thought this was my chance to help her get a new perspective and realize that really, she had it good. It kind of felt like my duty. Like I’d be doing her a favor.
So I said, “Well, at least it’s just an issue with your TV remote. There are plenty of people here who won’t survive the night, so you’re doing well to be concerned about watching TV.”
Her eyes grew wide with shock. Her voice softened with the awe of someone who had just been given great wisdom.
“Wow. You’re so right. I should be thankful I’m here and doing okay.”
I sauntered out of her room, feeling great about myself. I really did a good thing. I was like a divine messenger.
When I got back to the nurses’ station, I decided for kicks to look and see why the woman was in the emergency room in the first place. Probably a stubbed toe or something lame like that. I looked at her chart. Heart transplant recipient, renal failure, blood transfusions.
She was only thirty-five years old.
I felt like I’d been hit with a brick.
And there she was, thanking me for helping her see that her situation wasn’t that bad. That just made it worse.
I wanted to walk in there and say, “You know what? Your situation is bad! You want some more ice chips?”
I may not have a physical scar to show, but the shock and shame I felt after reading that woman’s chart went far deeper than the burn from the metal whisk.
Some lessons last a lifetime.
I still judge people. Who doesn’t? It’s like my brain receives information and immediately makes a decision about it.
But I know enough now to remind myself that I’m only seeing part of the picture. Maybe the woman in the hospital called me into her room because she didn’t want to be alone. Maybe she was scared. I don’t know.
And that’s the point. We never know what someone else is going through, whether it’s a housekeeper stealing from her employer, a woman in the hospital incessantly using her call button, or someone who cuts you off on the highway.
We never know what someone else is going through.
What we can do is give other people the benefit of the doubt and choose to show them kindness and compassion.
I know it’s hard sometimes to feel compassion for someone who is really rude or annoying. That’s when I create a story to explain their behavior.
The guy who was rude to me at the grocery store—did you know he just got diagnosed with gonorrhea? From his mistress? And his wife is pregnant with another man’s baby?
No wonder he’s in such a bad mood.
Making up silly stories helps me lighten up. It helps me remember that I’m only seeing one snippet of this person’s life. They could be longing for a breath of kindness, a modicum of compassion.
And that’s something I can give.
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The Ripple Effect of Kindness, an Inspiring Video
Giving is always receiving, and kindness is contagious. What ripples can you make today?
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Middle School Football Players’ Touching Act of Kindness
Last fall, the Olivet Eagles, a middle school football team, decided to give an unlikely teammate a little bit of glory.
In a world where bullying sometimes dominates our schools and the headlines, it’s life-affirming to see such young people doing something so kind and selfless.
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10 Ways to Make the World a Nicer Place
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them.” ~Denis Waitley
I was spending some time with my nephews not too long ago. This is one of my favorite things to do because we have a lot of fun together. They’re silly and loving and inquisitive, and it’s easy to make them laugh.
Spending time with them reminds me that fun and laughter should be a part of my everyday life, and also makes me feel like a kid again.
When we were together that day, I asked them what they want to be when they grow up. My five-year-old nephew said, “I want to be a police so I can make the world a nicer place for everyone.”
I thought that was just about the sweetest and cutest thing he could possibly say, even though the thought of him becoming a police officer made me nervous. Why couldn’t he choose something safer?
Over the next few days, I couldn’t get that conversation out of my head because I realized that I don’t want him, as a five-year-old, taking on the responsibility of making the world a nicer place.
I want him to be focused on having fun and making friends and learning new things in school. I don’t think any child should have to worry about that.
I started thinking about the actions I could take to make the world a nicer place so that he can experience that right now. Many of us are already doing things that have a positive impact on the world, but we don’t always recognize or acknowledge them.
We can all make a difference by doing these simple actions more frequently and accepting the responsibility for a nicer world as our own.
1. Smile at others.
Smiling makes others feel good when they see us doing it and it makes us feel good, too. It allows us to feel connected to other people, and this improves all of our moods. When I smile at people in the store and I get smiles in return, I notice that I get an immediate mood boost.
2. Make eye contact with people.
Many times we look at the ground or our phones instead of acknowledging the people around us. We avoid talking to people in line with us at the grocery store, and we act like we don’t see other people when we pass by them on the street. When we make eye contact instead of ignoring people, we make them feel seen and worthy of our attention—something we all want and appreciate.
3. Take care of our environment.
We all want to live in a clean and beautiful environment. The first step is to recycle and take care of our resources instead of being wasteful. Doing this ensures we leave our children a world they can take pride in and enjoy comfortably.
4. Compliment other people.
It’s important that we tell others how they make a difference in our lives and that we see all the amazing things they do. We can make a tremendous difference in their lives by sharing our gratitude instead of just thinking about it. I make an effort to compliment others about their work and let them know how important they are to me because I know that everyone wants to know that they matter.
5. Be positive.
Everyone benefits when we stop complaining and find the positive instead of focusing on the negative. We can make life easier for ourselves, and the people around us, if we stop worrying about the worst-case scenarios and try to make the best of our situations. When we cultivate a positive mindset, we not only feel more positive, we’re also more likely to create more positive circumstances.
6. Help others.
We often help others expecting something in return, but this can lead to disappointment and resentment. The alternative is to help others, especially those who are struggling, simply because we want to live in a world where people look out for each other.
7. Be kinder to ourselves.
Forgiving ourselves for any mistakes we make is much kinder than always mentally beating ourselves up, and being kind to ourselves is crucial if we want the world to be a nicer place. When we’re kind and caring to ourselves, we’re more open to kindness from others and more likely to treat others well.
8. Stay mindful in the present moment.
If we stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past and worrying about what might happen in the future, we’ll be able to experience all of the wonderful things that are happening in the present. When my mind wanders, I bring myself back to the now with three deep breaths. Mindfulness is a powerful way to increase our happiness, and that can have a massive ripple effect on the world around us.
9. Express gratitude daily.
Acknowledging all of the amazing things that we have happened to us puts us in a positive mindset, and it also provides us with the opportunity to thank others for all they’ve done. I practice gratitude daily by recording at least three things that I’m grateful for at the end of the night, and I’ve noticed it makes a tremendous difference in my mood and my relationships.
10. Have fun!
A lot of times we make situations out to be more much more serious than they need to be and we forget to actually let go and have fun. Let’s make sure that enjoying life is a priority so that we can actually take advantage of living in a nicer world!
Photo by Juhan Sonin
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The Importance of Kindness (an Animated Video)
Adapted from a graduation speech by George Saunders in 2013, this powerful little video reminds us that the only act of kindness we come to regret is the one we did not commit.
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Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future
“You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy
I found myself at a crossroads last year. I had reached the end of my time in college, and I had no post-graduation commitments.
I was working at the time on my applications to medical school, as I have wanted to become a doctor for a long time. However, I knew that medical schools are inundated with qualified applicants every year, but only have a few seats to offer. Thus, my vision of myself as a doctor still seemed to be only a dream, and I didn’t see myself on the path toward becoming a doctor yet.
Paradoxically, during this commitment-free time, my realization that an infinite number of paths were available paralyzed me. What if I made a wrong turn?
I searched for clues as to which path might be best for me.
I first observed the doctors I had met as an example of what my life could become. Fear and anxiety manifested as a “negativity lens” that altered my field of vision. I found fault with every doctor I encountered, even the ones who were happy with their career—so many more were burnt-out, insisting that I still had time to change my mind.
I was scared of becoming like them. I decided to mentally let go of my commitment to this career path as I imagined other possibilities. Perhaps I could be a stay-at-home mom instead, or maybe a chef, as I had always loved to cook.
I looked to each of the two aforementioned types of people for inspiration again. Unsurprisingly, I hated everything I saw. My blue-tinted binoculars were in full effect as I looked ahead on the path to becoming a full-time family woman, leading a life plagued by a lack of fulfillment and resentment.
I explored the path to becoming a chef and saw myself dealing with ungrateful customers and having no freedom to be creative in what I cooked.
None of the paths had a surefire destination of happiness. As I noticed myself judging everything so harshly and reflected on why I was doing so, I realized that I had convinced myself that the path I chose could lead me to a state of mind that I didn’t already have.
My paranoia over becoming unhappy in the future had become my way of avoiding my present unhappiness.
Once I became aware of this unhappiness, my first reaction was to judge myself. Self-judgment for me was a persistent, angry voice in my head that screamed and berated me for wallowing and being pathetic.
When I explored why I judge myself, it seemed to stem from a discomfort with who I am as a person. I didn’t like myself.
This led me to deny and change my every quality in a quest for perfection.
For instance, I tend to be introverted in nature. I recognized this in myself, called myself (and listened when others called me) words like a loner and a recluse, and alternated between pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone in social situations that I felt inauthentic and fake, and withdrawing deeply within to a place of self-loathing.
I couldn’t see that being introverted is just a personality trait that is associated both with positives and negatives, and that if I embraced it and stopped trying to twist it, I would feel natural.
Once I recognized how deeply the negative self-talk went, I was able to start changing. Since it seemed to stem from not knowing who I am, I started by identifying my core traits.
The first time I attempted to explore this, I was so confused and uncertain that I couldn’t come up with a single trait. Self-judgment had made me fearful of being anything at all.
I talked to friends and family who know me well, and sifted through things I had written both recently and further into the past, to remind myself of who I am at my core. I wrote them down, acknowledging both the good and the bad associated with them.
Every morning, I practiced saying the things that I am to myself. It felt awkward at first, but eventually became natural as I practiced it more and more.
I also became aware of the messages I directed at myself throughout the day. Many were cruel, full of blame for how I wasn’t “enough.” Especially in the aftermath of a situation that I wished had gone differently, my inner voice yelled and put me down.
I was unsure of how to change until I thought of how I would speak to someone I love. If I had a friend who was in my position, would I have blamed her for her feelings and screamed until she “surrendered” to happiness? Absolutely not.
I started cultivating a new voice in my mind, one that didn’t shout but was gentle and caring the way a good friend is. I feared that I would let myself go entirely and spiral into laziness if I “coddled” myself.
As I continued to develop this new voice, I began to realize the difference between coddling and being kind. I am still allowed to have expectations for myself, but instead of beating myself down when I don’t meet an expectation, I explore it by listening to my inner kind-but-firm voice.
With this practice, too, I notice that I judge others less. It seems that practicing self-compassion is allowing me to be truly empathetic toward others, instead of outwardly compassionate while silently judging as I once was.
Nonetheless, judgments about others still arise in my mind on occasion, but I am better able to notice them, examine where they might be coming from, and then dismiss them.
Through this practice of being kind to myself, I now see that happiness is available to me right now instead of waiting at the end of some path.
With this newfound positivity, I choose to continue moving toward realizing my goal of becoming a doctor. After I submitted my applications and found a few moments of stillness while I waited for responses, I reflected and questioned again if I felt right on this path.
In truth, now that I have a positive state of mind and am experiencing joy much more readily, I could choose any path and be happy. However, I still arrived at the same conclusion: I not only want, but I feel called to become a doctor.
This time, that answer is enough for me to move forward with confidence because practicing kindness is helping me develop trust in myself.
I recognize that the road to becoming an MD will present many challenges, many of which cannot be predicted from where I stand now, and that’s okay. I feel confident in my ability to handle those challenges because now, I can recognize when fear is starting to ensnare me.
Instead of blaming myself for feeling fear, I have the strongest tools available—love and kindness—to free me from that grip, examine myself and my circumstances, and consciously move forward.
To anyone who can relate to any aspect of my story, I encourage you to hit “pause” throughout the day. Notice your actions and your feelings. Always allow yourself the opportunity to ask, “Why? Why am I acting or feeling this way?”
I invite you also to notice the tone in which you address yourself. If you find that the tone in which you ask yourself “why?” carries disgust or judgment, the way I did, do not lose hope. You can cultivate self-compassion and self-kindness.
In moments where you regress to old habits, of which I have had many, try not to dwell on how you have “failed.” Instead, allow yourself to learn from the setback, remember the progress you have made, and approach your practice of self-compassion with renewed energy.
Photo by Mustafa Khayat
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One Simple Thing Anyone Can Do to Have a Better Day
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
Today as I walked down a trendy suburban street heading to an appointment, my phone rang. I was not having the best of days.
I was walking past chic cafes and designer shops displaying tempting wares. However, having been laid off for the second time in two years, with a mortgage to pay and months without an income, these trivial symbols of indulgence were almost too much to bear.
Over the past two years, I have felt down, sad, depressed, lonely, and inadequate on more occasions than I have felt joyous, happy, thrilled, loved, or valued.
I have had more bad days than good, but I was on a path upward. I was reading self-help books and taking up the advice that helped me. I was writing and painting, two pursuits that I had all but abandoned in the quest for corporate stardom.
Slowly, I was building myself back up again but small issues still had the power to knock me out.
I was still gut wrenchingly lonely, but I had a couple of trips booked, and I was going to move back into the family fold overseas.
I was going to return amongst the people who mattered the most and to whom I mattered. I was taking steps toward my own wellness. I had realized that only I can transform my life. I believed that I had the power and strength to rise beyond my challenges and be a better person for having experienced them.
But back to the phone call. As I answered the call, I realized that it was a promotional call from a reputed global charitable organization that I had supported over the last few years while I was employed.
I expected it to be a request for donations. It irritated me that this man would call me and ask for money when I was, myself, counting every cent to make ends meet in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
On a deeper level, my feelings of inadequacy were reinforced because I would have to deny his request. My mood began to darken.
As the young man with his attractive Irish accent chatted on about an initiative to supply drinking water to millions around the world, I was tempted to hang up the phone and cut the line. I was nearly at my appointment and I would not be able to chat for long anyway. How did it matter if I hung up? I was about to pull the phone away from my ear and hit the red button.
But then something made me pause.
I reminded myself that the world does not revolve around me. My caller doesn’t know my circumstances. He is simply doing his job. If I am rude to him, I am spreading ill will and negativity. He did not deserve that. This was my chance, albeit a small one, to make a better decision.
So I stayed on the line and listened to what he was saying. At the first opportunity, I let him know that I only had a few minutes free and I would have to end the call soon. He may have thought I was just making excuses, but he gamely continued on at a faster pace that was somehow very endearing. It made me smile.
As I approached my destination, I apologized and excused myself from the conversation. My caller thanked me for my time and promised to call back some other time when I was not occupied.
This small incident barely took up five minutes but it was a significant director of my day. I was happier for being respectful and polite to a stranger for a couple of minutes. I would like to think that I did not hurt someone else’s feelings, even if he was a stranger.
Had I chosen to end the call abruptly, I would have carried that negativity for the rest of the day. Instead, an eager Irish chap brightened up my day a little with his enthusiasm.
I have realized recently that every small thought, every decision, every step we take has a huge impact on us, and the world around us.
The old me, with my sense of superiority and entitlement, would have hung up the phone without a second thought. The old me would have considered my time too worthwhile to waste on such a phone call, good cause though it may be.
I have also realized that every interaction is the opportunity to do good and receive good, whether it is a phone call, a shopping trip, or even considering your fellow travelers when playing music on the train.
Today I also recognized that I have, almost without realizing it, become a slightly better person. I feel like I am more mindful of the world around me, more humble about my place in it. That makes me feel happy and fulfilled.
And all it took was one phone call.
So make the effort to make your every interaction a positive one. To face the world with a smile and a kind word. If you throw kindness out in the world, it will bounce right back, only multiplied several times over.
Photo by Jonas Foyn Therkelsen
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Three Guys Pay for People at Drive-Thrus
They say the little things are the big things, and as a fan of all things tiny, I have to agree. Check out what happens when the guys at Give Back Films pay it forward, fast-food style.
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How to Receive Gratefully Instead of Rejecting Kindness
“Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata
I’ve learned that how well you receive determines how happy you are.
When I was committed to loving myself more, I started to be more aware of how I treated myself. What opened up for me was that I did not know how to receive.
That was one of the things I had to learn in order to really care for myself.
Receiving Capabilities Jammed
There were times when I would squirm and be all awkward when I was given extra attention.
There would be times when I’d feel indebted when I received a big gift or if someone did me a huge favor.
I’d think, “You didn’t have to” or “This is too much” or “I feel bad that you got me this.”
Then, there were times when I’d feel like I was imposing when a person offered to do something for me, even though they were the ones who offered.
I remember when I was younger, maybe around fifteen. I went to my friend’s house to play cards. Around dinnertime, my friend’s mom invited me over for dinner. I politely turned her down, telling her I’d be going home soon anyway.
She insisted, and I insisted on refusing to accept the invitation. I appreciated her offer, but I didn’t want to impose, so I felt it was more polite to decline.
Later that night, my friend said her mom thought it was strange of me to keep turning her down. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t accept the invitation because I didn’t want to hassle her in having to prepare for an additional dinner plate. I had no intention of offending her.
That memory stayed with me. It is only until recently that I truly understood what happened.
I denied her the chance to give. I also robbed both of us the chance to connect. I was so focused on not wanting to impose that I forgot to appreciate and just be grateful for her offer.
What Happens When Our Receiving Capacity Is Jammed
1. We cannot be emotionally healthy if we cannot accept blessings.
When we keep refusing to receive, it will leave us empty and even resentful.
2. It can be harmful to relationships.
This happens because we will not be able to recognize the complete kindness the other person has to offer.
I had a best friend before who was extremely good to me. But because my receiving capability was out of order, I couldn’t recognize all of her efforts.
She would build me up, point out my strengths. Her intention was to help me gain more confidence in myself. But because my own receiving capability was jammed, I couldn’t recognize what she was doing. And the insecure part of me even thought she just pitied me.
3. We rob the givers’ chance to experience the joy of giving.
All of us have an innate desire to make people happy, especially the people we love. By refusing to accept others’ offer, we deny them the chance to do something good for us.
4. We may become resentful.
When we keep giving and we don’t receive, we become depleted and we run the risk of being resentful towards others.
It isn’t fair to the other person especially if they wanted to give, but you refused to accept it.
Why Receiving Is Difficult (and How to Make It Easier)
1. Check what kind of judgment you have when you give.
When you give, do you expect something in return? Do you give only to the needy?
There was this test I read before. You place money on the ground, in a public place, like a park or a mall. And you hide. Then you observe your mind as you wait for someone to find the bill. You may find yourself hoping that a poor person gets it, or a kid. You may find yourself getting mad should a rich man or a drug addict pick it up.
Those are the judgments that you have when giving. And those are the very same judgments you project onto your giver when you are the recipient.
I did the test, and what went through my head was the poor should get it. The “deserving” should get the money. Or the one who “needs” it should get the money.
So when people give to me, I have a hard time accepting since I don’t “need” it or that it should go to a person who needs it more.
There will be times where I refuse it because subconsciously I didn’t want to be perceived as needy or weak.
When you let go of your judgments while giving to other people, you’ll release yourself from projecting that judgment onto the giver and you find yourself receiving more gracefully.
2. You constantly feel like you’re imposing.
You automatically think you’re a burden or others would be hassled when they do something for you.
It’s not true, though. More often than not, people want to make you happy.
3. You feel indebted all the time.
You feel like you owe the person something when you accept something from them. You feel obligated to repay them.
Being grateful and giving back is much healthier.
4. You assume they were just being nice.
You constantly doubt if they meant it because you have a story running in your head that they were just being nice.
But what I learned was, more often than that, people are really sincere. And no one is really obligated to do anything unless they really wanted to.
5. You think they have ulterior motives.
You think when a person does something extra nice to you; it’s probably because they want something in return.
6. You feel like you’re not deserving.
It isn’t humility. It’s actually denial.
The goal is to let go of any kind of judgment when you give so you free yourself from any projected judgments that are keeping you from receiving.
What really helped me was to focus on the intention and love of the giver that motivated that gift, offer, or that sincere compliment. Believing them, accepting it, and saying thank you. Being grateful for what you have received makes the giver happy because it says you appreciate the time and effort that person has given you.
We should always be focused on giving but we should also learn to accept blessings gratefully.
Once the door to receiving is open, imagine how many gifts are waiting for us.
Photo by David Robert Bilwas
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25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else
“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown
When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.
When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; they focused on painful memories and all the ways I felt my childhood had damaged me.
The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.
In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.
It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion and unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).
Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: We focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.
Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.
When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement. (more…)
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Homeless Lottery Winner with a Priceless Reaction
This video just completely brightened my day–though it also fogged my vision. It’s a tad embarrassing that I just started crying in the coffee shop where I’m working, but the joy of watching this was well worth it!
