Tag: kindness
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You Never Know What Someone Is Going Through, So Be Kind
“Give everyone the benefit of the doubt today…” ~Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges
Here’s something I’ve learned firsthand: No matter how someone looks or acts, you truly never know what’s happening in their lives.
Five years ago my husband Walter was dying from cancer. Twice during a thirteen-month period he was hospitalized, thirty minutes away from our home.
I spent about ten hours a day at the hospital, plus travel time during those long weeks. I was a wreck.
I don’t know what I looked like to the outside world. Inside, I felt impatient, angry, sad, out of my mind with grief, and tired. Still, I had to interact with the world like everyone else.
I had to put gas in the car, go to the bank, buy dog food, and grocery shop. I had to walk through the world and be polite or wait my turn, when all I wanted to do was break down and cry or yell. Everything felt hard and surreal.
During those times when Walter was hospitalized I got into a routine. In the morning I would stop at my local coffee shop to get a latte on the way to the hospital.
For some unknown reason during this time I also started craving banana cream pie—it was a bright spot in my day. On my way home from the hospital I would stop at the pie shop near my house. This routine helped keep me sane.
What I will never forget about the time period, and what stands out the most, are the small kindnesses that strangers and friends offered me.
One morning I was running late to get to the hospital, and when I went to get coffee there was a long line—almost out the door.
I knew my husband would be waiting for me, wondering where I was. I felt really stressed about it.
Out of desperation I asked the person directly ahead of me in line if they would mind if I went before them because I had to get to the hospital. He said no problem and then asked everyone else in line if I could hop to the front.
Everyone said yes, even though I’m sure we all needed that morning coffee equally.
It may sound like a small thing, but I will never forget it. It helped me feel supported, got me on my way, and dropped my stress level down a notch. When you’re already in overwhelm mode, that’s huge.
At the pie shop, the same woman worked the evening shift during the week. One day, while she was boxing up my piece of pie, she started asking me questions about myself. I gave her a thumbnail sketch of what was happening.
She handed me the pie that night and wouldn’t take any money or a tip—it was on her, she said.
Every night after that, she would box-up a super-sized piece of banana cream to go. Again, it might seem like a small thing, but it meant more to me then I can ever explain. In the midst of the bad stuff that was happening there were so many small acts of kindness that filled me with gratitude.
We really never know what’s going on in someone’s life—what news they might have gotten that day, whether they just lost their job or have a loved one who is ill. That’s why it’s so important to lead with kindness as often as we can.
Give everyone the benefit of the doubt instead of taking something they say or do personally.
I know there were times that my reaction to the normal everyday annoyances was way out of proportion to what was actually taking place. I was doing the best that I could at that time to be polite and hold it together.
Now, whenever I get frustrated or annoyed with someone’s actions, I remind myself that I don’t really know what’s going on in their life. I try to take a breath, not take it personally, and trust that they are doing the best they can.
You may never know how much a small act of kindness will affect someone.
I can tell you though that for me, the kindness of strangers and friends kept me going during one of the worse times of my life—they were a lifeline. I continue to remember them and will for the rest of my life. I truly believe acts of good will last a lifetime.
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5 Ways to Show Your Love to Others (and Yourself)
“Love isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” ~Steven Hayes
Things go wrong in life. Distress and confusion can take root, sometimes leading to harsh self-criticism, depression, or anxiety.
We sense that love heals, and it does.
I once visited an orphanage for abandoned infants, and every toddler who I carried clung tightly to me. I can still feel their little arms clasping me desperately.
We crave love as we crave oxygen.
But what is love?
Is it something you wait for?
What if love is more than a feeling?
What if your choices and actions can bring the spirit of love to life?
Love has many shades and nuances. Here are some forms of love that you can start creating today.
Love as patience
I used to be obsessed with outcomes. A perfectionist intolerant of failure, I was constantly trying to prove my worth. This made me unpleasant to others, and to myself.
One day our little son was running around noisily while I tried to concentrate. Irritated, I put an arm out and he crashed into it. He started crying, and I felt deep shame.
I resolved to change. I’d been sacrificing what made life worth living: relationships, health, talents, and even family happiness. I’d been neglecting everything and everyone, including myself, in my headlong rush toward outcomes and goals.
What’s the alternative to focusing on outcomes and neglecting others? Patience. Patience expresses love by treating every individual as priceless, not just an aid or obstacle to some goal.
Patience embraces more than outcomes. It empowers you to enjoy the journey of life instead of disregarding what makes your life worth living as you rush toward your latest destination. It attracts friends for the journey, improving work, play, and all of life.
Patience with your own mistakes gives you a chance to heal and learn. Mistakes are not seen as confirmation of worthlessness.
Importantly, patience allows you to be more fully present in the moment. That’s great for your relationships, your well-being, and your brain, according to scientific research. A more patient life reduces the sense of being overwhelmed or confused.
Patience brings love to life and makes all aspects of life go better.
Love as kindness
When my father fell seriously ill, I needed an airline ticket urgently. He’d been in perfect health and wasn’t very old. I was desperate to reach him quickly.
I picked up the phone. The first lady I spoke to made it her personal mission to get me there.
“Get to the airport as quickly as you can,” she said.
I was put on a plane within hours. I reached his bedside, held his hand, and sang to him softly. He died hours later.
I’ll never forget that lady’s kindness.
Even less dramatic acts of kindness can powerfully express love, such as listening to someone who needs a sympathetic ear.
A swiftly flowing river can have a calm surface, even as it grinds the rough edges off rocks. Kindness is like that. It calmly smooths out the rough patches in life and helps lubricate friction between people.
In the heat of an argument, kindness can heal with the “soft answer that turns away wrath,” as the proverb reads. Once the temperature is lowered, it’s easier to explore sensible solutions.
Even if everything goes wrong in life, you can still express kindness to yourself and others. You remain powerful as a source of love. Kindness displaces rudeness, harsh self-criticism, anger, and resentment.
Cultivate more kindness, to yourself and others, and experience how the darker parts of life become illuminated by love.
Love as delight in others’ successes
When I measured success in dollars, I often grew envious of others. Why did someone else have more money, a nicer house, more stuff, better looks, more exotic vacations, a happier family, and healthier parents? I became a restless comparer.
Once I cultivated a stronger sense of my uniqueness and worth, I started appreciating other people’s success. Each of us was on our unique path, and it would be nice if we all enjoyed the journey.
Love as delight in others’ successes attracts friends. It breeds joy.
Long ago, I visited an elderly uncle for my vacation. News arrived that I’d passed a university exam. He bought firecrackers and set them off in celebration, even though he’d never been to university.
I was embarrassed by the noisy fuss, which alerted the neighbors, but it opened my eyes to how very much he loved me.
Try developing a stronger sense of your uniqueness and core values, and you’ll more easily celebrate others’ successes. The bitterness of envy will gradually give way to more peace of mind and warmer relationships.
Love as humility
I once saw an orchestra and chorus perform Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. It was awesome, with hundreds of musicians performing as one. But the human body has trillions of cells working in harmony.
It took billions of years and gazillions of molecules for the first human being to emerge. Yet we often have greater awe for the trinkets and baubles that a human being possesses than for the person.
Instead of being grateful for eyes, liver, brain, and other miracles of biology, we feel entitled to all that and more. A sense of entitlement suppresses our gratitude.
Further, if I boast about having a bigger house than someone else, then I imply that I’m inferior to someone with an even bigger house. It’s the same for any of my boasts. But the emergence of human beings is so awe-inspiring that appearance, fashion, houses, cars, and other stuff all pale by comparison.
Boasting can temporarily quell my insecurity, but it still brings me one step nearer to feeling inadequate. It’s as if I’m ashamed of my unadorned self. Boasting also tends to repel others.
For years, I would gloss over my faults because I felt insecure and needed to maintain a veneer of perfection. Now I’m quicker to admit my faults, seeing myself as a life-long learner. I’m also slower to judge others and quicker to forgive, since we’re all imperfect and still learning.
Love as humility implies deep respect for the intrinsic worth of every human being. Deep respect for every individual, regardless of their status, helps banish feelings of inadequacy, encourages forgiveness, reduces a feeling of entitlement, and boosts gratitude.
Humility brings love to life.
Love as empathy
We would incubate eggs and hatch tiny chicks at home. Our little daughter adopted one. This chicken would run and jump into her arms.
Our daughter once tried to feed her chicken some bread. The chicken choked, and died within minutes.
We comforted her, reminding her that she didn’t knowingly do harm, and that we understood her feelings of grief and guilt. We held a funeral ceremony, lovingly burying the chicken in the garden. Love, as empathizing, can bring comfort to a relationship or home.
Stepping into the shoes of another is the powerful first step to serving them. This is true of customers too. Love, as empathizing and service, is at the heart of successful businesses.
I know a middle-aged executive in a tech company who spends most of her time in an office. When asked what she does, she says she helps people to enjoy life more. She’s referring to the software which her company markets.
Empathy can transform your work. Instead of being just a wage slave, you can express love through empathizing with, and serving, your company’s customers.
Empathizing brings love to life. Even some otherwise boring chores, at work or at home, can light up with meaning.
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Love isn’t just something that happens to you. You can cultivate love, especially the five forms described above, starting today. In doing so, you’ll open the door to calmer acceptance of yourself, of others, and of life’s inevitable disappointments.
You’ll also be able to enjoy the journey of life, in the company of friends, with more gratitude and forgiveness.
Create more love today, and start experiencing the difference.
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Two Kind Words That Can Change or Save a Life
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia
My fiancé and I escaped to the northern wilderness. We wanted to build our home and our life off grid, off the beaten path, far from civilization.
It didn’t matter that I was a city girl who couldn’t handle a chainsaw, fix a pickup, or read the warnings of wind and sky. My fiancé was a mountain man, skilled in survival. That was all we needed for a life in the middle of nowhere. Alone, but together, and we loved it.
We were independent and resourceful. Nothing fazed us. My fiancé had a solution for everything: broken generators, shortage of water, staying safe on hikes through the hills that we shared with wolves, coyotes, and bears.
Never once did we doubt our ability to survive.
And never once did we think that our biggest challenge would come from anything other than the wilderness itself.
Our days were consumed by nature. We were always one step ahead. One step ahead of hungry bears, deadly windstorms, drought, wildfire, and maintaining the only road that connected us to far-flung humanity. We were always one step ahead.
Until we weren’t.
All of a sudden, my fiancé lost his appetite, his skin turned a pea soup green, and his jeans hung off him, a size too big.
The wilderness was no place to get sick: lack of cell-phone access, few doctors, often-impassable roads, and a five-hour drive to the nearest hospital. Suddenly the idea of “challenge” took on a whole new meaning.
Finally, after many delays, tests, comings and goings, a diagnosis was confirmed: cancer. My fiancé was stoic. But the news hit me with hurricane force.
Our world flipped upside down.
Suddenly we were thrown into the scary unknown, a place far more challenging than the wilderness of the bush.
Surgery was booked. My once strong, ever-so-independent mountain man was forced to let go, to place his trust in the skill of a surgeon and the goodwill of the universe. I was terrified, but in my role of “pillar of support,” I acted brave by swallowing my fear.
In the faraway town where the operation would take place, I would sleep at the Easter Seal House. It was close to the hospital and affordable. But it was also a dorm.
The idea of sharing accommodation added to my stress. I was an introvert; I’d been living in the bush. The last thing I wanted was to socialize with strangers when my mind was consumed with worries for my man.
But there was no choice.
The following day, the operation, they said it would last a few hours. It took much longer. Then finally some news. “All is well, ” the surgeon said. And the relief of it almost felled me.
I thanked the surgeon; thanked the universe for throwing a lifeline. There would be a tomorrow, after all. And a tomorrow after that.
Two days later, results showed a spread of the disease.
We were not in the clear after all.
That night, I stayed as late as possible at the hospital with my fiancé. I wanted to curl up in his narrow bed, but he was hooked up to so many tubes and wires, and the eighteen-inch wound running down his belly was tender and sore.
When I reluctantly left to walk back to the “dorm,” the night was late and frigidly cold. My mood was as black and as slippery as the ice underfoot. All I wanted to do was to curl up and cry. The thought of facing a group of strangers sunk me further.
At the front door of the Easter Seal House, a small group of old men huddled under the outdoor light, sucking on cigarettes and stamping their feet to stay warm. They looked as miserable as I felt.
Inside, a new guest had arrived to share my room. She was setting up an oxygen machine that would keep her lungs safe through the night. The room was too cramped to make use of my offer to help, so I retreated to the lounge.
The TV in the lounge blasted a comedy. I slipped into the only spare spot, at the edge of the threadbare couch. A plump woman with bleached blond, coifed hair and rose-polished nails giggled wildly at the antics of the TV characters.
My mood was too dark to laugh; instead, I was flooded with gnarly judgments about the stupidity of TV, of sitcoms, of sharing accommodation with strangers.
I told myself I don’t belong with this group, with this coifed blond giggler and her rose-polished nails. As the judgments in my mind exploded, my mood turned surly.
At the break for an ad, the volume on the TV spiked. The blond reached for the remote, decreased the sound. One small mercy. A few minutes later, volume up again. Part of me wanted to seize the remote and hurl it out the window.
The sitcom resumed. Some inane stunt threw the giggler into hysterics.
Suddenly, she turned in my direction, clearly wanting to share the joke that I so obviously didn’t get.
Quickly she scanned me, and whatever it was that she saw prompted her to switch the TV right off, right in the middle of her show. She turned back to me again, this time swiveling her entire body right around to face me.
“Tell me,” she said.
And then I saw. Past the pristine rose nails and frilly sweater, past the coifed bleached hair and perfect makeup, I now saw a pair of soft, welcoming eyes. “Tell me,” she repeated in a gentle invitation.
And I did. And something inside me broke. All the feelings of tension and sorrow melted as I accepted her invitation.
I told her about my fiancé’s surgery, the cancer, its spread, and the hope for future treatments. I told her about my fears for our isolated life in the wilderness. How would I manage? And she listened. She listened with gentle eyes. She listened with her whole body, nodding, as if to say, “I hear you, I understand.”
And it amazed me, this gentle space that she had created through the depth of her presence. It amazed me how her kindness helped me peel open months of fear and anguish. Her invitation to tell my story was an invitation I didn’t even know I needed, yet desperately did.
One by one, the old smokers lumbered back in from the frigid night. They and others joined us. A semi-circle formed around the woman and myself. Haggard, jaundiced faces, bandaged arms; it struck me how all of us were wounded in one way or another, fellow travellers on a shared and complicated journey.
By the time I finished my story, a soft gratitude had filled my heart and eased my worries. My burden shared was a burden halved.
In the wee hours before dawn, sleep came gently in a way that it hadn’t for a very long time.
I never saw that woman again. But her generosity, in switching off a sitcom that she so clearly enjoyed to welcome instead my story, was a gift.
It allowed me to move past a sense of disconnection from others, to share my vulnerability, to be heard and understood. And it gave me solace and a feeling of connection when I needed it most.
Above all, that woman and her gift of compassion showed me that no matter how small, an act of kindness truly does have the power transform a life.
It transformed mine. By lightening my load, it created space for the challenges that lay ahead.
So many of us walk around carrying heavy burdens, desperate for a sense of relief. It may seem so simple, but two little words can dramatically ease our pain and our suffering. Such simple little words: Tell me.
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How to Cultivate Hope When the World Feels Dark and Scary
“Everything you can imagine is real.” ~Pablo Picasso
The world is so broken. We are broken. We all need healing.
Recent events worldwide are terrifying and sad. This cold and dark time of year is a challenge for many.
Some of us feel every little thing. We feel everyone’s pain. We are empaths who care for every person, every animal, and the whole world.
Many of my loved ones and friends are like this. My partner’s father recalls that on a trip to a large city nearby (my partner was eight), they saw people living on the street and asking for change. The little eight-year-old wanted to give all of his tiny savings away. Obviously, it wasn’t much, and it wouldn’t make much impact on the poverty in the city.
It can feel hopeless. We feel like we will never have enough resources and time to give. We know we can’t solve everyone’s problems. But we want to. And if we don’t, we feel the pain of our perceived failures.
If you’re anything like me, you might struggle to balance the urge to do so much or to just give up altogether. How can we nurture our hopefulness in these uncertain days?
Remember that people act out when they are in pain.
It’s a common negative thinking trap to make things all-or-nothing. If someone does something that hurts us, we can tend to believe that they are all “bad.” We distance ourselves from them in our minds to prove we aren’t like that.
It’s tough to recognize someone’s humanity in these situations, but we need to if we are going to keep our hope alive. People often lash out, spread hate, or act selfishly when they are hurt. They are feeling a deep, broken part of themselves and trying to compensate by making others feel bad too.
I’m not saying that their behavior should be tolerated. They should absolutely be held accountable for their behavior. At the same time, they are human and are still valuable.
Remind yourself that they are people, too, and probably feeling deep pain. This goes for the more extreme cases, but also for the other parent at your child’s school or your boss or politicians.
I feel hope when I remember this. The world is not full of evil people but hurt people who need love. Recognizing the humanity of others is a beautiful challenge for us to work on. This is an ongoing, lifelong practice.
Respond with love when you can.
Everyone seems exhausted these days. The weight of the world is on all of our shoulders. Whether it’s due to collective or personal struggles, people may be a little more irritable or inpatient with you.
Try your best to respond with kindness. It’s not about you. Someone may be acting immaturely or being a little rude, but if you can, try to let it go.
Visualize their insults rolling off of you, like water off of a duck’s back. Or use a technique I learned from a book, Radical Acceptance: Recognize that they are trying to pass their bad mood to you, and kindly say “no, thank you.” Do not accept their gift.
I usually feel better if I have responded to something in a caring way. Of course, we don’t always react as our best selves. You might be the one who is acting a bit rude sometimes, so try to respond to yourself with love about that too.
Be a someone.
My grandmother used to say, “Don’t say someone should do that. Be a someone.” Action can help combat our lack of motivation and hope. If you find yourself thinking that someone should do something, try asking yourself: What can I do?
You can start small and very simply. One day a few months ago, I was in the midst of a personal crisis, and I sat crying on the curb of the road. A kind stranger approached me and gently asked if there was anything they could do.
I said an honest no. They responded by standing close by with their hand on my shoulder for a few minutes, then saying a few encouraging words and continuing on.
This small gesture made me feel much less alone in that moment. There are many small things we can do, depending on our ability. If you feel up to it, don’t just walk by; be the someone who stops.
Repeat after me: Magic is real.
I keep a quote by Picasso on my desk that reads, “Everything you can imagine is real.” When I am losing my hope, this reminds me that the world I want to live in, the one I can imagine, is real. It can be real because we create our world.
It’s empowering to recognize the magic we have within us that no one can take away. There is something inside you that no one can take away and you will always have. Remind yourself of your inherent value and hold on to your magic.
Everything you can imagine is real and possible. There are so many people working to build a kinder and more loving world. I recognize their magic and I affirm that magic in myself.
Hope image via Shutterstock
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8 Simple Ways to Brighten Someone’s Day
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a tent with a mosquito.” ~African Proverb
I have a love-hate relationship with airports.
On the one hand, it’s the perfect place to people-watch. I mean, how can you not tear up when you see a kid running to give a returning parent a giant hug? Or two lovers reuniting and smiling from ear to ear when they lay eyes on each other? You are witness to perfect snippets of pure, genuine emotional connection.
On the other hand, airports can be a drag. Long line-ups, having to chug my water bottle because I usually forget to empty it beforehand, taking my shoes off and stepping on my tiptoes to avoid my bare feet touching the cold airport floor.
But on my latest visit to the airport, my negative attitude vanished all because of one airport security employee.
As I was standing in line doing a mental inventory of all the liquids I would need to empty out of my purse, she was directing people through the line up in the best possible way. She was yelling positive messages like, “Life is good!” and “It’s a great day!”
What a rare and beautiful thing to do.
It put a smile on my face and truly impacted my flight and rest of the day. Her joie de vivre was contagious.
I never would have expected this from an airport security employee.
Which got me thinking, how can I brighten someone’s day within my normal realm of work?
Here are eight ideas I’ve come up with. I’d love to know your ideas in the comments.
1. Leave inspirational notes in random places.
Books in the library, on people’s car window, under your lover’s pillow, wherever.
How awesome would it walk into a public restroom and find a sticky-note on the mirror that says something like, “Make it a great day”? I predict it will also be just as awesome and exhilarating to be the one to leave the note.
2. Thank someone.
Who in your life has positively impacted you? A teacher, your mom, your brother, an old neighbor, a coach? Send them an email and share a memory and your gratitude for the positive influence they’ve had in your life.
3. Be curious about someone.
Make eye contact and smile. Acknowledge their existence, and engage them in conversation. Learn something about them. A two-minute conversation can brighten the day for both of you.
4. Send a handwritten note.
Who doesn’t love getting mail? There’s a total thrill in seeing an envelope with your name on it. Surprise someone with a handwritten note just because. I can almost guarantee they will smile ear-to-ear when they receive it.
5. Do something for yourself.
Now this may seem a bit backward. How does doing something for yourself impact someone else?
Well, when you take care of your own needs, and give yourself some much-needed self-love, you fill up your own cup. And when your own cup is overflowing, that overflow is the love that flows to others. It’s a beautiful thing.
So take that bath, go to that dance class, go for a walk, and feel the goodness.
6. Make a playlist for someone.
Back in the day, I used to love making mix-tapes. I’d wait by my ghetto blaster, blank tape in the tape deck, and be on high alert to press the record button when my favorite songs came on.
These days, making music mixes are way less labor-intensive! You can make a playlist on YouTube in minutes. Make a specific playlist for someone in your life and send it to them. What an awesome surprise to both give and receive!
7. Take it to social media.
Instead of spending time lurking on Facebook and Twitter, choose three people to give a shout-out to! The guy you used to sit next to in science class, your cousin you haven’t seen in three years, the random person you connected with when you were traveling—post on their wall (or send a private message). Let them know you’re thinking of them.
8. Surprise with a gift.
Whether you send flowers to one of your friends at her workplace or buy a coffee for the person behind you in line, splurging and surprising someone else is a lot of fun.
Do you go to a coffee shop with a loyalty card? I collect all my stamps, and then once I accumulate my free coffee, I ask the barista to give it to the next person in line. It’s a thrill for me, the barista, and the person behind me who doesn’t suspect a thing!
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When you brighten someone’s day, you are simultaneously stirring up positive energy within yourself. And you’ll carry this energy with you throughout your day. It’s a great feeling.
So I challenge you to ask yourself, how can something I do today surprise and delight another individual? Let me know in the comments.
Be creative, use your gut, do what feels good.
Sunshine image via Shutterstock
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Why We Should Always Be Kind to Strangers
“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of rewards, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.” ~Princess Diana
Recently I was reminded of the importance of kindness, particularly kindness to strangers.
I was given the opportunity to film the wedding of a family friend. As a videographer, I’m always looking for ways to build my client base and enhance my professional experience, so naturally, I agreed.
Most of the guests at this wedding were friends of my parents, many of whom I hadn’t seen in years. Although I recognized a lot of the people, most did not recognize me, particularly with a camera in my hand and “on the other side of the fence,” so to speak.
A few kind souls were extremely friendly, looked me in the eyes, sparked conversation, and spoke to me with dignity. But to my surprise, the vast majority of guests at this wedding pushed past me, bumped into me, or spoke down to me. Again, these were people that I knew!
If we had been in any other situation—if perhaps, for example, my parents had been there with me—I’m certain these very same people would be giving me hugs and asking about my life with convincing interest.
But instead, I was treated as I was seen, like just another person in the service industry. It was as if an invisible fence existed between “us” and “them.”
What bothered me most was not the poor treatment I received, but this notion of separateness that was so pervasive in the once familiar atmosphere around me. Here I was amongst families with whom I grew up, and those who did not recognize me treated me as though I was not worth recognizing. As if I wasn’t even here.
While the looks I received symbolized separateness, what they provided for me was an instantaneous sense of wholeness.
Almost immediately, I’m reminded of the homeless man who holds a sign beside me as I wait for the stoplight to turn green and try to keep my eyes averted. Or the clerk at the McDonalds drive-thru, at whom I roll my eyes when I’m late for a meeting and she’s slow to deliver my vanilla iced coffee.
In this moment, we are one. And that’s when it hits me.
We’re each a part of a whole, and everything we do (every thought, word, and deed) affects the whole. My mind wanders to the countless individuals who are disregarded in some way, shape, or form, every minute of every day. We’ve all experienced it and we’ve all been a party to it.
Why do we do this to each other? What is this invisible fence dividing us vs. them? Where did it come from? And why is it popping up across all areas of our lives?
Safe in the confines of our car, we feel distant from those who stand on cold corners asking for our help. In our own bubble of a morning ritual, we forget that our coffee servers have morning rituals of their own. A false reality exists around us, and most often, without even giving it a second thought, we choose to live in it.
Like a prison built on the delusional foundation that we are somehow separate from one another, we’re trapped. But what if we chose to live in truth instead? If we can recognize the intrinsic unity of humanity, perhaps we can finally be free.
Much like disregard, kindness for others is cyclical by nature. Kindness begets further kindness. And you never know how a simple “thank you” or smile could affect someone on any given day.
To be acknowledged and appreciated are among two of the greatest and most basic human needs. If we can fulfill this in one another with small acts of kindness that perpetuate themselves, why would we ever choose to do otherwise?
It’s the simple, unexpected acts of generosity that change lives, and a culmination of these small acts can change the world.
Let’s acknowledge the security guards and say, “thank you” to the janitors. Let’s start acting as if the conversation we have is the most important one we will have all day. Let’s look for the good in other people, and when we find it, let’s treat them as though that’s all we see.
We don’t have to expect anything in return in order to be kind. With kindness, the giver benefits just as much, if not more, than the receiver.
Let’s make it our goal to make at least one person’s day, every day, and see how our own lives are transformed in the process. After all, we’re all in this together…
Make someone smile image via Shutterstock
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4 Ways to Change Your World by Being Kind
“Respond kindly to someone who is unkind to you.” ~Lori Deschene (from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, January 15)
Growing up with an alcoholic father, I was often on the receiving end of his anger. As a child, I didn’t realize his behavior was a reflection of how he felt inside and wasn’t about me at all.
I thought he was angry because I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong. I felt like if I could just be perfect enough, maybe he would love me. I tried and tried, but trying to be perfect didn’t work.
As I got older, I learned to react to everyone around me. If someone was rude, I was rude back. If someone yelled at me, I yelled back. This harmed my relationships and caused a lot of isolation in my life.
I wanted to be alone because I felt like everyone hurt me. But, I discovered, that is not the answer.
It’s taken me years to realize that I’m responsible for my own behavior and can’t control others. I now focus on behaving with kindness to everyone and my relationships have improved as a result.
It’s not always easy, but the following tools have helped.
If someone triggers fear and anxiety, don’t respond until you are calm.
Reacting to what someone is saying rather than responding from a place of calm rarely goes well. I’ve learned that I don’t have to answer every question. I can say, “I don’t want to talk about that right now,” and come back later in a better frame of mind.
When another person projects their fear onto you, it’s okay to walk away.
I came to the realization that I was walking into my parents’ house in a state of agitation and defensiveness; I was adding my anger and anxiety to the negative energy in the house.
An amazing thing happened when I stopped walking in the door that way; it seemed to positively affect everyone’s energy. There is a sense of peace in our interactions that wasn’t there before.
Now, when I walk into any situation at work or with family, I check my attitude when I walk in the door. Often, that makes a big difference.
When you don’t add your fuel to the fire, sometimes the fire goes out.
Don’t make up stories about the motivations of others.
I’ve come to understand that a lot of the things I think in my head aren’t true.
If a friend calls and cancels, I tell myself it’s because she doesn’t want to hang out with me. If my husband is in a bad mood, I tell myself it’s because he’s unhappy with me.
I don’t know any of those things. They are only stories in my head. These stories create defensiveness in me, which creates conflict where none exists.
There are a million reasons people might cancel plans or be in a bad mood. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you.
You can’t make another person happy or unhappy. Another person cannot make you happy or unhappy. A person’s happiness comes from their own thoughts and behavior, not what someone else is doing.
The next time someone does something and you assume you know why, question whether you really know if that’s true.
Try love first.
Most people are doing the best they can from their level of consciousness. We are all in this together and at our core, we are basically good.
Hatred and anger cannot wipe out hatred and anger. But sometimes love and understanding can.
I was always waiting for an apology or a change in behavior from the other person. Sometimes it has to begin with you. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that the other person may never change.
What is hurting you most is your behavior toward them. Changing that will help you feel better.
Resentment will poison you from the inside. Forgive the other person for yourself. Let the anger go.
Amazingly, sometimes that also changes the other person. But you have to go first.
Love is worth a try. Give it a shot.
Set boundaries when needed.
Part of learning to love yourself is learning to listen to your gut and speak your truth.
If someone is being unkind to you, say something.
Don’t let others treat you poorly. Treat yourself with love and compassion.
Don’t blame, criticize, or complain. Calmly state your boundaries.
Sometimes, relationships don’t work out. Sometimes, you need stronger boundaries.
But changing your behavior instead of waiting for the world to change gives you back your personal power.
Come from kindness and watch your world change.
