Tiny Buddha

Tag: joy

  • Letting Go of Labels and Being Happy in This Moment

    Letting Go of Labels and Being Happy in This Moment

    Happy Woman

    “Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie

    I was watching my go-to show, the one I turn to when I need a pick-me-up or peace, Super Soul Sunday. It’s the episode with Adyashanti, the spiritual teacher and author of Falling into Grace.

    During the show, he said something so profound that it made me have what Oprah calls an AH-HA moment, so I ran to get my computer to put it into words!

    I think Oprah was paraphrasing for him when she said, “When you tell a child a bird is a bird, the child will never see the bird again.”

    You lose the wonderment of this beautiful majestic thing, with wings and freedom that makes a beautiful song with chirps and tweets. Romeo had it right when he said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

    Yet I have spent my entire life searching for labels, thinking a label would hold my identity.

    First it was my name, Reshma, and if people called me Ree-sham, Razma, Rushma, or Rashma, I would get enraged and want them to say it right.

    I would even say it’s like “fresh” without the “f,” like Fresh Resh. My high school lacrosse team even made up a song for Fresh Resh, and I thought, “Yeah, no one will forget my name now!”

    Not realizing that a name is just a name, that there are 20,000 Reshma Patels that show up on Facebook searches, I kept progressing, thinking now that my name was established I needed to solidify what it was that Reshma Patel would do.

    The next part of my life I spent searching for a perfect profession. I wanted so badly to be a doctor. I wanted to help people, I wanted to save people, and I wanted the title.

    Although the people in my life discouraged me, I pushed through, sure that this label would make me complete. I was looking outside of myself for something to make me happy, not realizing that this was the road to never ending unhappiness.

    The greed for more labels kept me motivated and kept me going. I thought I found my purpose in “wife” and “mommy.” And yet, in the deepest part of my being I was lost.

    I needed freedom from the labels I had spent my entire life gathering.

    I had reached the top of my own man-made mountain; I was a thirty-four-year-old woman, daughter, sister, doctor of physical therapy, wife, and mommy—and yet I still didn’t know who I was or how to just be happy.

    I felt something deep within me that was erupting to come out, almost like hot lava inside a volcano that has been kept dormant for so many years. I knew I had to release all the labels to free this beautiful energy inside me and find my way to my true essence, my true potential.

    If you’re also looking to reconnect with who you are, underneath your labels, and find a joy that doesn’t depend on that identity, these tips may help:

    1. Ask questions.

    It sounds simple and almost childlike, but that’s exactly the space I was in. I was back to being five or six years old and finding out who I was.

    At that time, I let my environment, my peers, and my inner ego guide who I was meant to be, and now I was ready to be there again, listening to my internal guidance.

    I asked, “Who am I? What is my purpose?” The answers don’t come right away. As the saying goes, “Patience is a virtue!”

    2. Pay attention.

    You know how people say “Slow down, stop, and smell the roses”? It’s true. My answers came in small moments that I would’ve missed, had I not been paying attention.

    It came when I was giggling and running around with my kids. It came when I went out in the middle of the night to make snow angels in the backyard with my husband. It came when I was laughing louder than I had ever laughed with my best friend, while wide awake at six in the morning, on a girls’ trip.

    I felt a quick burst of peace, joy, and love in these moments, and if I weren’t paying attention I would still be asking questions and getting frustrated.

    3. Create moments of bliss.

    Once I realized where my true happiness lies (in moments of fun, laughter, and being childlike), I started to create those moments, times when I have the wonderment of a little girl—visiting new museums, singing loudly in the car, dancing in the rain, and making grass music with my girls.

    These small, silly moments are so profound for my being and so impactful for my own little ladies. Hopefully, they are getting a small whisper that says, “See, life is more fun when you keep exploring, laughing, and being all the things you want to be from moment to moment.”

    4. Own the space you live in.

    You have just raised your vibration to live in a space of pure joy, pure happiness, and pure bliss, where you ask questions and receive answers.

    That is where you are now, no more labels and names; you are just who you are, in this moment, and then whatever you choose to be in the next. Own that and live there, and look back and recognize that you made it happen.

    You are not your labels. You are the power of your own potential.

    Photo by Nickay311

  • 60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life

    60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life

    “We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” ~Cynthia Ozick

    How often do you pause to appreciate what you have in life?

    When I was young, I took things for granted. I believe many other kids did so, as well. After all, we were young and we didn’t know what life could be like on the other side.

    One thing we took for granted was education. In my country, it’s compulsory for all kids to go to school, so it was a given. We never thought about how lucky we were to be educated.

    We also took our teachers for granted. We never thought about how lucky we were to have teachers who cared for our growth so much, and poured their heart and soul into their lessons.

    Then slowly as I grew up, I began to appreciate things around me more. As I saw more and more of the world out there, I realized all the things I’d been given are not rights, but privileges.

    I realized that being literate is a not a right, but a gift. I realized there is a lot of war and violence in the world, and I’m lucky to live in a country where it’s safe and peaceful. I realized there are people out there who don’t have their five senses, and to have mine is a gift. (more…)

  • Why Life Is More Joyful When We Let Go of “Good” and “Bad”

    Why Life Is More Joyful When We Let Go of “Good” and “Bad”

    Happy

    “Love is the absence of judgment.” ~Dalai Lama

    If judgment is the act of labeling something as good or bad, then it seems we humans do it thousands of times a day. Those of us on a spiritual path even label judgment as a bad thing. We know that pain comes from judgment, but it’s such a part of our culture that there seems to be no way around it.

    The Dalai Lama says, “Love is the absence of judgment.” And if that’s true, how do we get there?

    From the time I wake up and ask myself if I slept too late to my nightly inquiry hoping that I made the best use of my day, I am in constant analysis of my choices. Did I eat enough, did I say the right thing, did I steer my client in the right direction?

    It would seem that this constant judgment is the opposite of living in the moment—and I’m a pretty Zen person!

    One of the problems of judgment is how it’s hidden in our society and labeled as responsibility. We are supposed to use metrics to track our progress, income, and effectiveness. We are supposed to learn new strategies and always be striving to be better.

    When we judge ourselves as being “not there yet” or as a work in progress, then we’re missing the joy and perfection that exists in the moment. 

    I think that’s what the Dalai Lama had in mind with his statement that I referenced above.

    I often catch myself doing the opposite of that in shower. I’ll notice that my shoulders are up to my ears and then ask myself, what is causing this? The answer always turns out to be a judgment. When I take a conscious breath and release the thoughts I have already projected on to the day, I naturally relax.

    When I started noticing how insidious this natural reaction to judge is, and how it is linked to being responsible, I started asking some serious questions about what it means to let this go.

    Would I be a bad person if I started planning my days from a feeling of curiosity and excitement instead of right and wrong? Why do I always think I know what the best answer is anyway?

    I knew that I would be more effective, have more energy, and be a happier person if I let go of all this labeling. How would I do it, you ask? Simple.

    The pain came from labeling something as good or bad. To rectify my anxiety producing ways, I just pulled into the neutral lane.

    I stopped analyzing whether what I was experiencing was good or bad. I just let whatever came into my life exist.

    I dealt with circumstances as they arose, and even if slow traffic or an unexpected bill threw me off, I did my best to observe and not to label. Who is to say that the person slowing me down wasn’t doing me a favor anyway?

    After several weeks of conscious no-judgment, I was actually feeling more creative. I had a lot more mental energy to use in fun and productive ways. I could even see a difference in the way my friends and clients interacted with me.

    Getting through my to-do list was easier, too. Instead of dreading certain tasks, I breezed through most of my list in the morning without much hesitation. I realized how unfairly I had treated certain things like returning emails and phone calls. Taking the emotion and labels off of these tasks actually made them go smoother and get better results.

    Looking back on my experiment in non-judgment, I can wholeheartedly say that it was worth the effort.  Besides, all I did was:

    1. Notice where I was making a judgment. (What was I labeling as either good or bad?)

    2. Stay neutral instead of applying one of those two labels. 

    And it may seem that this only benefited things that I had previously labeled as bad. That’s not entirely the case. I actually ended up receiving more “good” when I stopped judging.

    For example, if I signed up two new clients in one week I may have stopped my marketing for the entire month. Now, I just keep going, as I’m inspired to do so. I also willingly accept more praise and affection.

    It’s silly to think about how much we deny ourselves because we feel we’ve had “enough.” Letting life happen truly does reveal more love.

    There are some moments in life when we are thrown to our limits. You have to decide for yourself how far to take this in the case of death, illness, layoff, or other life changing events. Some people find their brightest clarity when faced with the worst circumstances, but it’s truly a personal thing.

    If you are used to using judgment at work or to make important decisions in your life, you may find it easier to start your experiment slowly. It can feel irresponsible to jump into this way of looking at things, and this isn’t about knocking you off balance.

    To do that, simply bring awareness to where you are placing labels. Then decide if you’d like to keep doing so. There is no wrong way to go about this.

    Just remember, when you’re not labeling something as good or bad, there simply “is.” Life is filled with truly awesome moments that we can enjoy when we’re using our energy to observe instead of analyze.

    Photo by Vladimir Yaitskiy

  • How to Wake up Every Morning on Top of The World

    How to Wake up Every Morning on Top of The World

    “You get peace of mind not by thinking about it or imagining it, but by quietening and relaxing the restless mind.” ~Remez Sasson

    What’s the first thought that goes through your head when you wake up in the morning? Is it deliberate, or is it the default “Oh shi#$, it’s 6:00!”?

    If that’s how you start your day, then it’s likely your day will be filled with anxiety and stress. It’s not exactly the most productive mechanism for getting things done.

    Questions are quite powerful if used in the right way. (more…)

  • 25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else

    25 Ways to Be Good for Someone Else

    “Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

    When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

    When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; they focused on painful memories and all the ways I felt my childhood had damaged me.

    The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

    In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

    It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion and unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

    Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: We focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

    Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

    When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement. (more…)

  • 33 Ways to Be Childlike Today

    33 Ways to Be Childlike Today

    Kids Painting

    “Great is the human who has not lost his childlike heart.” ~Mencius

    Remember when life was simple?

    When your friends were the most important thing in the world. When a snow day was a perfect excuse to have fun, not a block of time when you felt guilty about being unproductive.

    When the ice cream truck could make your day, no matter what happened before. Bad grade? Big deal—it’s snow cone time. Skinned knee—who cares, you have a screwball!

    If only you could bottle that sense of freedom, fun, and enthusiasm for the little things, you could carry it in your responsible adult pocket and take a swig when you started taking everything too seriously.

    I don’t know about you, but mine would be in a glass vial embellished with red, pink, and purple swirleys, topped with a water globe stopper that had a palm tree in it. (Yeah—that’s right!)

    Maybe we don’t need some major departure from business as usual to stop being stuffy and start being childlike (which can actually help you become more innovative, in case sheer joy isn’t motivation enough).

    I’ve compiled a list of ideas to be more childlike today. I chose thirty-three because it’s the house number where my parents live, and it’s because of them I am the best couch cushion fort maker on both the east and west coasts. Enjoy: (more…)

  • Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

    Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

    “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

    Because I am self-employed, I often find that my work is my life. There is no off switch when the day is over. Some days I get so caught up in the busyness that I completely forget myself.

    While my work is immensely meaningful and enjoyable, I believe it’s important to have other activities outside of work that bring us joy so we can live even fuller lives.

    When I get too caught up in my work of helping others, I forget the other things that are important to me. This makes me feel that I lack the balance of a multifaceted life.

    One day I realized that I was so caught up in helping other people that I completely forgot to help myself. As an introvert, it’s important to recharge my batteries by pursuing activities that recharge the soul.

    So I sat down with a pen and paper and did what most busy people do: I wrote a list.

    This was a list with a difference.

    I wrote down every single activity I enjoy. I wrote down every single activity I hadn’t tried but wanted to. And I wrote down every single place I wanted to visit.

    This was the beginning of actively creating joy in life. You can make of life what you will. Personally, I choose happiness.

    In positive psychology, a method for finding happiness and joy is being in a state of flow. You already know this feeling. It’s when you are completely tied up in what you are doing and you lose track of time because you are so engaged and stimulated in your activity.

    Often, activities that put us in a state of flow are creative—things like painting, playing music, cooking, sewing, reading, writing, and doing arts and crafts.

    Other activities that often put us in this flow state are physical. This could be gardening, hiking, bike riding, yoga, golf, and any other physical activities we enjoy.

    For ultimate happiness and health, I believe it’s important to pursue both creative and physical activities. Stimulating your mind and body leads to greater intelligence and a heightened state of awareness.

    Some might say to get into a state of flow you need to get a hobby. I think perhaps this is true. When was the last time you heard someone say they have a hobby?

    Hobbies seem to be something of the past. Today we are so busy. We get so caught up in work, family, relationships, pleasing other people, and technology that we forget to do the things we enjoy for ourselves.

    This is where my list came into play. It ended up being a multi-page list of every hobby I ever had, every activity I enjoy, and every activity I wanted to try. I then made it a priority to do at least one “happiness activity” every week.

    Taking time out of our regular day-to-day work and finding new ways to enjoy life is essential to our happiness and well-being.

    If your life is very busy, do not be fooled into thinking you have no time for hobbies. Everyone has fifteen minutes available, even if it cuts into your sleep or email time.

    Although fifteen minutes may not feel like enough time to get into a state of flow, it is enough time to feel joy and happiness. With a bit of practice, you might find you get into such a state of flow that fifteen minutes turns into an hour. Over time, you may find that these pursuits of happiness overtake the importance of busyness.

    If you think you have no hobbies now, the best way to find out what you enjoy is to remind yourself what you enjoyed as a child. Did you previously enjoy baking? Or drawing, or playing music, or playing football?

    Write yourself a list of every activity you ever enjoyed and every activity you’d like to try but haven’t yet. Pick one thing that you previously enjoyed immensely, and set yourself an appointment to give it a go again. When you are ready, set an appointment for one new activity you have never tried before.

    Your life could be transformed by this one simple act: making it a priority to do the things you enjoy.

    Ideally, you want to set time for this daily. I completely understand that this is difficult to do. At a bare minimum, you want to schedule it in weekly.

    Personally, I like to set aside one day every week to go for a hike. But sometimes if I don’t have time for that, I like to pick up my flute and improvise. If I only have a spare fifteen minutes to do this, I find the time just flies by, and it only feels like five minutes.

    Doing something like this is so good for my soul. I find that if I don’t schedule flow time, then I feel tired and overwhelmed with life. It is so important to me that I actually write it down in my diary and stick to it like any other important appointment.

    We can all experience more joy in our lives. We just need to consciously choose to create it.

  • Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life

    Jump Off the Busy Train for a Simpler, More Passion-Filled Life

    Time concept

    “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

    A few years ago I was on the busy track. I was working a corporate nine-to-five job, studying at night, and trying to keep up a busy social life. I thought I was achieving it all by doing so many things at once, but really, I was just burning myself out.

    My life was a busy blur. I’d start my weeks feeling tired and end them completely exhausted. Time was a constant challenge. I was always rushing from one thing to the next, and in the little down time I gave myself off, I’d be so completely exhausted that all I could do was slump into the lounge chair and fall asleep in front of the television.

    Between working a high-pressure full-time job, studying my nights away, and maintaining a busy social life on the weekend, there was little time for me to just be. In the midst of the daily rush, there was no reflection or alone time. There was just busyness.

    Feeling this way, it didn’t take me long to realize that it was not what I wanted for myself. I was rarely happy or at ease, and I was feeling the strain big time. I pushed myself for answers and I realized that my pursuit of “doing it all” was in vain. I simply wasn’t happy.

    I wasn’t enjoying my job, and although it paid well and had some great career prospects, it drained every ounce of enthusiasm I had and left me dry.

    It would leave me feeling so dry that I’d throw myself into action during every ounce of time I had spare, to the point of exhaustion, as if to try and salvage those wasted forty-plus hours a week I’d spent at work.

    I was studying a design course three nights a week to make up for my lack of passion for my job and I was out all weekend drowning my sorrows, rewarding myself for just getting through another lackluster week.

    It was madness and something I couldn’t keep doing. Every day drained me and ate away at me just a little more, but still, time went on. The days became weeks and the weeks flowed into months.

    I wanted to jump off the busy train, but making a change was hard. Though I knew that my job wasn’t where my passions lied, I couldn’t just throw it all in and quit. I had bills to pay and my love of design was just that at the time—a love, not a moneymaker.

    I struggled for months with this decision, thinking of every possible way I could make things work. But none of them compelled me to action. The truth was, I was scared.

    Right when I was almost at breaking point, salvation came for me in the form of a company restructure. Cuts were being made and I was called up for retrenchment.

    My retrenchment was a blessing in disguise. While I was worried about how I would make it work, I knew it was the push I needed to live a simpler life, more in tune with my passions.

    With this in mind I was convinced I could make it happen. I decided, then and there, that I would pursue my studies full time to do what I loved and work whichever other jobs I needed to work to make it happen. I started looking for part-time office jobs, and to my surprise, there were some great ones.

    Within a month I’d found the perfect part-time job that would let me launch into my studies with full force while still making ends meet. I’d have to make some tough cuts to my spending to make it work, but I knew I could.

    The tradeoffs were tough at first, and living my newfound modest lifestyle wasn’t always easy, but it was more than worth it. What I soon realized was that for all the material things I’d lost, I’d gained the most valuable thing of all: the freedom of my own time.

    I now had time to breathe, think, and live.

    Today I’m living a simpler life, one of freedom and choices. I’m still actively doing things every day, but I’m doing things I truly love.

    With my design diploma in hand, I’m working as a fashion designer and writing about my creative journey on my very own website. I’m living with joy and I no longer feel busy and stressed. Instead, I am energized and passionate.

    We can get so caught up in the pursuit of busyness that we forget what we are losing. In busyness we lose our freedom, our options, and a little piece of ourselves.

    Time is freedom. It enables you pursue your dreams and go after what you love. How you spend it determines whether you experience happiness or not. And at the end of the day, it’s all you really have. 

    Jump Off the Busy Train and Reclaim Your Joy

    If you want to jump off the busy train to make a change to a simpler, more passion-filled life, here are three things you can do:

    1. Take the change step by step.

    Instead of launching right in and quitting your job without a solid plan, make sure you have everything in place to make it work.

    Look into your options for part-time work or more flexible working arrangements, like working different hours or from home. Weigh up your viable options to free yourself from busyness and determine how you can make it work financially.

    2. Accept a better outcome, even if it’s not the perfect one.

    We would all love to jump in and pursue our passions full time but often it’s not practical, at least not from the outset. Instead of striving for perfect, find a better outcome in the short term.

    It doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing approach. Right now, it might mean pursuing a passion on the side. In a years time, it might mean transitioning to a part-time working arrangement. Sometimes, good things take time.

    3. Scale back in other areas of your life.

    There is always give and take in life, and if you want to move toward a simpler, more passion filled life, there are going to be tradeoffs.

    Scaling back might involve selling your car, moving into a smaller house, and cutting back on meals out. These might all sound like big changes, but the reward you will receive every day from living in tune with what you love will far outweigh the sacrifice.

    If you’re feeling the weight of busyness in your life, challenge yourself to slow down. Don’t sell your life to the highest bidder, trading your time for dollars at the expense of your own happiness and joy. Reclaim your freedom and find a way to do what you love. Your happiness depends on it.

  • Find What Gives You Joy

    Find What Gives You Joy

    Find What Gives You Joy

    Source: Ups, Downs, & Roundabouts

  • The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

    The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

    Path of Heart

    “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

    In my late thirties, I attended a workshop that was led by a group of coaches. One of the exercises we did was called the “future self-exercise,” a visualization that took me twenty years into my future.

    During the meditation, I was greeted by my future self: a gorgeous, happy, free older me dressed in purple, one of my favorite colors. Her hair was long, flowing, and brown. (So I guess the future me dyed her hair!)

    She was walking on the beach in Maui near her home. She told me that her name was “Warrior Woman.” I was uncomfortable at first with that word, warrior, as my mind associated it with violence.

    When I told her that, she explained that being a warrior meant feeling one’s power with a relaxed, gentle heart. She was supremely calm and peaceful, and I instantly trusted her in every cell of my body.

    Her energy, like that of a child’s merry-go-round, represents the circle of life: moving around and around slowly and happily, experiencing everything joyfully.

    I still have a ways to go—my current energy is closer to that of Disneyland’s Space Mountain: in the dark, not exactly sure where I’m going yet clearly on the right path, loving action, loving speed.

    But what my encounter with Warrior Woman gave me was a vision of myself to work toward.

    Being human, I fixate on what is outside me. I feel the pain of wanting to control things I cannot control. My ego acts like it’s in charge, which can lead to my complaining or acting like a wounded puppy. It is in these times that I remind myself of the warrior’s path.

    The path of heart, the path that leads to love, is a warrior’s path.

    A warrior protects and empowers him or herself and their world. A warrior is centered in their love and therefore experiences deep peace. A warrior is worthy of love and knows this through and through. A warrior knows how to balance being proactive with simply being.

    But warriors are not born. We are made.

    You have a warrior sleeping within you. He is a master of life, of his domain and body. You sense him when you feel the will to do what’s right in the face of adversity. You hear her whisper when you know deep down that the harder path is the one you must take. You feel her rejoice when you experience moments of worthiness, joy, and love. 

    There are five steps on the warrior’s path:

    1. Know and accept who you are now—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    This step is about revisiting who we are and seeking what is true, even if it’s challenging. This truth is both where you’ve come from and where you are.

    For example, for years I had denied the truth of my abusive childhood in an effort to protect myself. I refused to reflect on the experience or acknowledge that it had influenced my life. But actually acknowledging it was the way out of my pain.

    I also woke up to the truth of my adult life—the fact that I was still making choices from that place of abuse. Acknowledging the truth empowered me instead of enraging me.

    2. Have something worth striving for.

    As we first move into self-love, we often need something beyond ourselves to strive for. It’s easy to fight for someone you love, but you might not love yourself just yet. So until we can fully experience and know that we ourselves are worth it, we must find what or who is worth it in the meantime.

    It can be a relative, a friend, or a personal goal. Having that motivation helps us to actualize our true potential, and in doing so, we realize our own true worth. 

    3. Take action toward your vision.

    When we identify what in our life is worth striving for, we feel the power of our will. We feel as though we are being carried on the tide of purpose. This energy must be channeled into action.

    Consider what you’re saying to yourself and your life when you identify something worth striving for and then do nothing. That’s like researching a fantastic hike, packing your bags, driving to the mountain—and then sitting in the parking lot.

    If you’re struggling to know what to do, I suggest you get quiet and ask for an answer. “Dear Universe: I am unsure of my next action step. Please help me see it and make it clear to me.” Then watch and notice what begins to show up in your life (observation is action).

    4. Let go of the outcome.

    This seems counterintuitive and maybe even ridiculous.

    You’ve just connected with a powerful desire about what you want your life to be like. Then you found something near and dear to your heart worth striving for. And now I’m telling you that you have to move forward completely unattached to the outcome of whether you’ll get the life you want.

    Growth begins with looking at those things we desire most and finding the bliss in working toward them—not in achieving them. Achievement is still the goal, but you only get there by letting go of the need for it.

    In other words, I invite you to fall in love with the process, with the transformation, growth, and healing you are experiencing for its own worth. 

    5. Choose to contribute. 

    It’s only human to think of ourselves first. But now, grow beyond yourself. We do this to fully become ourselves—yet another irony.

    What can I give? How will my life have mattered? These are the questions that lead our feet onto the path of the warrior.

    Their answers provide the heart. Service is at the core of love. This may be calling an elderly relative once a week, working at a soup kitchen, or volunteering at your child’s school, not out of guilt or obligation, rather out of love.

    Transformation won’t come overnight; periods of obsessing and anger over old wounds are all part of the ride.

    Of course I laugh when I find myself using my frenetic, Space Mountain energy—the energy that says I have to do something, and do it quickly (I have always loved amusement parks, and now I understand why).

    I still talk to my warrior and ask her for her wisdom. She feels like the mother in me. I consider my teaching how I do my mothering in the world. The knowledge that warrior is both someone I aspire to be and someone I already am carries me through this adventure called life.

    There’s a warrior in you too. Can you feel it?

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

  • Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Running

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    When my last relationship ended, I found myself suddenly questioning what my goals honestly meant to me. I had focused my past five years steadily chasing a very specific dream with this woman (creating joy, art, and a community in NYC, adopting some dogs, and eventually moving back to California to start a family together).

    At least that’s what we thought we were chasing.

    When we realized that our lives together had become static, that we lacked engaging dynamics, and that we only rarely brought out true joy in each other, our roads abruptly veered and I found myself sans lover, best friend, and collaborator. I also was given a huge opportunity to view my life with fresh eyes.

    I saw that by limiting our vision and chasing only our one shared dream, we were effectively shutting ourselves off from exactly those varied personal experiences that it would take to build our joy, inspire our art, and create that dynamic life we both desired.

    We allowed ourselves to be held back from a meaningful life by chasing the goals we thought it would take to get there. We had gotten stuck in chasing the wrong things for a right reason.

    I began examining what I had been busy chasing in all the aspects of my life. Chasing in my career, chasing in my suddenly newly blossomed singles life, and in the personal identity of who I was now that I wasn’t defined by this external relationship.

    I realized that it was time to shake things up and experience the unexpected.

    Here are some steps to discover what you are truly chasing in life. Try to answer in less than twenty seconds, with the first thing that comes to mind. You might be surprised.

    1. What makes you lose track of time?

    I’ve always liked fixing things and working with my hands. Broken pieces fascinate me as my mind wraps around how they tick. I know there’s a reason if I could only find it. It’s a great puzzle, but sometimes the minuets crawl by. By chasing the outcome (to make it work), I stopped being in the present.

    I discovered that I never feel rushed drawing or painting. No matter how long it takes me to choose a color, from the instant I pick up the brush to the second I put, it down feels like one fluid moment.

    2. What makes you happy?

    It might be sunshine, dogs, laughter, passion, collaboration, or music. I chased my career goals in the music industry by working in a studio without windows or sunlight for ten hours a day, and while it was rewarding to help people realize their dreams and create their art, I realized I was chasing the wrong thing.

    What made me happy wasn’t just making music sound better or tweaking knobs; it was helping people discover and release their albums. When I realized that I was made happy by sharing, by making art, then my goals shifted to be more people and connection focused and left me feeling more fulfilled.

    3. If you didn’t have any bills to pay, what would you do?

    You might sit on a private island by the beach, or maybe start a free service for the less fortunate. I personally realized that I have to create.

    The idea of “free-time” scared me silly, and everything I focused on in life stems back to this deep-seated need to be creating something. Even sitting quietly was creating peace. Once I realized what my driving force was, it became much easier to make choices based on what I knew my true desire to be.

    4. When you are old, what will matter the most?

    You might be chasing things, people, rewards, or achievements that seem huge and important now. You’ve given your all to reach this point, so why give up now? Ask yourself how deeply will it touch people in twenty years, thirty years, fifty years. If I get a gold record, it’s a huge achievement, but I don’t want to be remembered for a plaque on a wall.

    I’d like to be remembered as a warm, living, loving, heartfelt person full of optimism and enthusiasm. A gold sales award doesn’t commemorate that.

    5. What are you really after?

    Honestly ask yourself, what are you getting when you reach the end of this chase? I was chasing goals that I thought would help build the future for my love life, or would help advance my career—there was my “reason”—but having a more advanced career didn’t help me to connect deeply with artists. It wasn’t in tune with my true desires.

    Our relationship appeared to be chasing similar goals, but in the end our chase was actually blocking us from reaching our true selves. Ask yourself if you are chasing out of habit or just for the sake of the chase; be sure you are genuinely working towards your true goals.

    —

    I’ve realized that a lot of what we focus on in life isn’t what’s in line with our true desire. Since then, I’ve cut my time commitment to work in half, and I now use that time to create art and build connections with people who also value the creative life I want to live. It has breathed new life into my actions and helped me understand the deeper reasons for my choices.

    Without walking the long and often painful road, we rarely discover the true reasons why we’re chasing our dreams, even if we have those dreams well defined.

    The only constant is that it never goes according to plan. Let your heart be open to the unexpected and stay flexible and free. Like a dog running after a ball when a squirrel suddenly appears, gleefully embrace the opportunity for a fresh chase and leap onto your new road with joy.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • 7 Ways to be Happy from the Inside Out

    7 Ways to be Happy from the Inside Out

    Happy

    “All appears to change when we change.” ~Henri-Frédéric Amiel

    We often start from the outside to try to make change on the inside. Scratch that. We pretty much always start from the outside, thinking it will make changes on the inside.

    I am the retired queen of looking externally for internal satisfaction. I spent my most high-stress decade driven by a tantalizing dream. I wanted to be a magazine editor-in-chief, with an all-white office complete with a leather sofa, my name on a parking spot, and legions of underlings at my beckon call.

    Pretty deep, hey?

    And when I was 25, I was nearly there. I had edited the high school yearbook and newspaper, completed a university degree in communications with a major in magazine editing, worked at three unpaid internships, and then, eight months after I got hired at a magazine, was promoted to assistant editor.

    Thankfully, the universe is always conspiring for our highest good, and the highest good of all. So although I had made it, I was miserable. I couldn’t sleep properly or digest properly, and my stress was through the roof. I promptly had a quarter life crisis.

    All hail the power of our bodies to tell us when we’re off course. Our bodies can’t lie. And mine wasn’t willing to pretend that this was the place for me.

    When I quit my job my official reason for leaving was “to help people live healthier, happier lives.” I’d felt the immeasurable power and peace that came from listening to the part of me that could guide me to my happiest, most fulfilling life, and I wasn’t willing to let her down anymore.

    I wanted to be of service, to make a difference in people’s lives, and to make a difference in the world. So I spent the next six years doing communications work and copy writing for health and wellness-related companies.

    Today, I teach other people how to live their own liberated lives—deeply and uniquely happy, being who they want to be and living the lives they want to live.

    Life is more beautiful, more exciting, more fulfilling, and beyond anything I ever dreamed. I get to make a difference in people’s lives and a difference in the world. And I am happier than I ever imagined.

    Here are seven things I’ve learned about being happy from the inside out:

    1. Don’t listen to everyone.

    They don’t know what’s best for you—they know what their own fears, past experiences, and imaginings are dictating about the future. Your future can be completely different than everyone else’s.

    2. Notice when you’re imagining.

    We spend a lot of time imagining the worst—or if not the worst, then something we don’t want. Call it worry, call it stress, call it temporary insanity. What it comes down to is something that isn’t real. Nothing we think about happening in the future is real—it’s just in our heads. So when you catch yourself imagining the terrible, don’t.

    3. Remember that reality’s a good place to hang out.

    Right here, right now, whatever we’ve imagined the worst about isn’t actually happening. Ahh. Big exhale. Take a look around. See those windows, that person you like, the sun shining, or the rain falling? It’s good here. This is real.

    4. Change the channel.

    Your mind is the TV, and you’ve got the remote. Just like CNN headlines scrolling across the bottom of your TV screen, your mind scrolls out dramatized thoughts. Don’t like what you’re seeing? Change the channel, and pick one that lifts you up. Remembering good times or past successes is better than imagining bad times or failures.

    5. Go beyond your mind.

    The non-verbal part of our brain processes about 40 bits of information per second. Pretty impressive. The verbal part of our brain processes about 8 to 11 million bits of information per second. So when your thoughts are telling you things are bad, check in with your body. It’s communicating to you a bigger picture.

    6. Ask yourself, “Does it feel like freedom?”

    If you’re body feels tight, tense, stressed, or just plain shackled down, it’s giving you some very strong “no” signals. When you’re doing what’s right for you, it feels in your body like freedom.

    7. Prioritize your happiness.

    It’s not selfish. It’s your destiny, your dharma, and your purpose for being on this planet. It’s the greatest gift you can give to the world.

    Photo by Antara

  • How to Be Happy Now (Because Future Happiness Never Comes)

    How to Be Happy Now (Because Future Happiness Never Comes)

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    I used to think I was falling behind. Not on my rent or my taxes, but in life.

    One moment, things were progressing fine. I had friends. Good teeth. A boyfriend. I even had my own did-I-really-do-all-that-study-to-be-doing-this first job.

    But then it all went away. I became ill. And as the years went by, I watched from my bed as my friends led a version of the life I’d expected for myself.

    It was as if everyone had gotten on the bus while I remained in the bus shelter. Which had an interesting smell. And I’d sat in some chewing gum.

    But here’s something I’ve learned.

    When it seems as if you’re “falling behind,” chances are you’re leaping ahead—not compared to other people, they have their own journey, but compared to your original planned-out trajectory.

    A few weeks ago my husband and I were coming home after a sunny week poking around the Baja Peninsula in Mexico. Shortly before we were due to take off, the pilot told us there was a crack in the some-or-rather, the flight was canceled, and please would we return to the terminal.

    So there we were, a plane-load of people, some waiting, some proactively making new plans, when out of the blue our name was called and we were rushed onto a direct flight home to Los Angeles.

    Our original travel plans had us flying home via San Jose, a four-hour detour. But thanks to our “delay” we arrived home hours ahead of schedule.

    It reminded me of when I was sick, because what seemed like such a setback at the time was anything but. In fact, it was one of the great gift bearers of my life, propelling me toward something I hadn’t known existed but am so grateful to have found.

    What I thought was the long way turned out to be the short way.

    It happens all the time.

    I used to live in a small town in New Zealand, and I was always intrigued by the seemingly large number of people who, when asked how they came to live there, said their car broke down while on holiday. It was always the same: as they waited on repairs they took a drive and found the little out-of-the-way town.

    Car breakdown. Plane breakdown. Health breakdown. Relationship breakdown. Career breakdown. What seems like an impediment is so often a blessing when you consider the ultimate end result.

    What can be upsetting and worrisome is having your plans disrupted. Although, in retrospect, it’s often hilarious to think you knew the way in the first place.

    Social conditioning tells us there’s an ideal way for life to progress; it varies depending on your circle of influence. For me it had to do with getting a good job, being active, getting married, going to college. That kind of thing.

    And we make plans accordingly. It’s human nature—or at least the nature of our mind to do this.

    Yet our plans have nothing to do with being happy now, because that doesn’t need a plan. Plans, by their very nature, are more concerned with the future.

    Plans are about future happy. Sometimes a plan is so ingrained it doesn’t even seem like a plan.

    “If I get a good job, then I’ll be happy.” Future.

    “If I live to be an old lady, that’s the best thing.” Future.

    “When I lose weight I’ll feel self assured and confident.” Future.

    “If I sail around the world I’ll feel a sense of accomplishment.” Future.

    When things “go wrong,” as in not to plan, it causes us pain—sometimes, great pain. And the reason for the pain is it feels as if happiness has been taken away.

    If for your whole life you thought that being active or getting a good job and so on was the way to feel happy, of course you feel badly when you can’t do that.

    But the pain is in your incorrect beliefs. Happiness hasn’t gone anywhere. If anything, your capacity for happiness is probably growing. All that’s lost is your plan for future happy. But since the future never comes, future happy was never real.

    Time and again I meet or hear from people who, in dealing with challenging times, find more real happy. And chances are, if you’re reading this, it’s either happening to you right now or has happened in some way.

    Real happy isn’t some, “Wow this is amazing,” kind of feeling, or where everything is easy, but a deeper sense of connectedness—to yourself and others.

    Real happy is compassion that comes naturally, even for people you dislike.

    Real happy is knowing, deep within you, that everything will be fine; that you can handle whatever comes your way.

    Real happy isn’t something that can be taken away either, but builds in increments as you move through life, speeding up during challenging times.

    Back then I didn’t know any of this. I just thought my life was worse compared to everyone else. Of course, it was no worse and no better. It just looked different than I expected.

    If, by some miracle of time I could speak to me back then, I’d say:

    “You simply don’t know how the universe is going to deliver its splendor, but chances are it’ll look different than you thought it would.”

    “Sorrow is part of the process; a sign of faulty beliefs being released. Notice your thoughts as they come and go, stand back and let the pain happen if you need to, but know there’s something bigger.”

    Knowing me back then, I’d probably still be thinking about my friends and how much I wanted to get back to the real world. (That’s what I used to call it.) So I’d wrap it up by saying:

    “It’s easy to look back on your old life as if it were perfect. Or see other people’s life as perfect. But this is an illusion, the same as future happy. See how it feels to have faith in what’s happening now—not in liking it necessarily, but trusting the flow of life.”

    My friends got on their bus and I got on mine. They were different buses going different places. These days I try to see time at the “bus stop” as the possibility of a new adventure (and not because I live in L.A!).

    And by the way, it wasn’t chewing gum I was sitting on, but a sticky bit of self-esteem I never knew I had. And that interesting smell? Self-acceptance.

  • After Tragedy: 3 Reasons And 21 Ways to Find Joy Again

    After Tragedy: 3 Reasons And 21 Ways to Find Joy Again

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

    My brother died suddenly, at just thirty-nine years old. One moment he was in the midst of a regular working day. Half an hour later he was gone. Twenty-four hours later he was buried.

    With things happening so fast, I found myself alternating between paralysis and intense waves of pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, and devastation. I guess we all felt this way. Only it didn’t quite look like we all did/

    In between waves of sadness and silence, my brother’s children were playing and having fun and enjoying an ice cream as if nothing had happened.

    It wasn’t just because they didn’t quite understand what was going on. I mean, none of us could really understand this. If you’ve ever experienced a tragedy (and who hasn’t?), you know exactly what I mean.

    Rather, the children were merely being themselves. They were simply going with the constantly changing flow of their emotions and expressing it spontaneously. That’s what children do.

    And so they expressed the wonder of being alive as wholeheartedly and as immediately as they expressed the pain of missing their beloved father.

    We, the adults, were only able to feel and express the latter.

    Does it mean that we are made of different stuff than children, then?

    Not really. It’s just that most adults have great difficulties dealing with certain emotions and situations, and the name of the problem is “judgment.”

    Back then, while watching the children play I found myself kind of baffled. I didn’t really judge them. And yet, there was judgment there. Because, in the face of such loss, joy feels inappropriate.

    I’m sure you know what I mean. Whether we’re confronted by personal tragedy, an act of terror, a natural disaster, or genocide, joy just doesn’t seem to be the right response.

    Even if there might be glimpses of it here and there, we fear that expressing joy might be mocking the tragedy. But that’s not necessarily true.

    In fact, countless people (including myself) have experienced deep joy right in the middle of tragedy, and not just in glimpses.

    Don’t get this wrong. You’re not joyful because of the tragedy. You are joyful because you are “heart-broken open,” as Kristine Carlson calls it.

    In this sudden state of openness there is a sense of deep love and a degree of emotional nakedness that we don’t usually expose to each other. Being in such a space together, being so present, so connected with each other, so united across all differences, is indeed joyful, in a mellow sort of way.

    And yet, many who experience such joy keep it secret, simply because it feels wrong somehow, even if nothing could be more right.

    Remember, “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” And discovering who you are includes discovering that you are all your emotions, not just some of them.

    So let’s replace the idea that joy is inappropriate with something that is closer to truth!

    3 Reasons to Bring Joy Back into Your Life

    Reason #1: Joy is your nature.

    Joy flows from the same source as love and peace; it flows from your heart.

    Would you want to deny your loved ones your love and your peace? Of course not. Then please, don’t deny yourself your joy either.

    Don’t push it, either. When sadness comes, allow your tears to flow. When joy comes, allow your smile to shine. That’s how it is supposed to be. It’s your nature; it’s who you are.

    Reason #2: Joy is your light.

    Joy is the light within.

    Would you want to deny your loved ones that light? Of course not. Then please, accept it for yourself as well. When it shines, you can see the path in front of you, even if just one step ahead.

    One step at a time, toward light—isn’t that a fine way to respond to tragedy?

    Reason #3: Joy is your power.

    The deep joy flowing within you is a healing force. Its warmth has the power to melt the inner paralysis. Its energy has the power to fuel your journey toward a life in alignment with your heart’s desire.

    Would you want to deny your loved ones that? Of course not. Then don’t deny yourself the power of your joy either. Because your heart’s true desire is to live, and to feel joy.

    But how? After tragedy, how do you even open your heart and mind to joy?

    It depends on who you are. In other words, discovering who you really are also means finding your way back to joy.

    In that spirit let me present to you some of the infinite numbers of ways in which you could bring joy back into life. Perhaps even more ideas will show up in the comments section.

    In any case, I invite you to look at all these ways as possibilities, nothing more. Ponder them for a while, and then find out which one you feel most drawn to.

    Pick that one, and then start practicing joy in this way, daily. Here they come, in no particular order:

    21 Ways to Bring Joy into Your Life

    1. Spend time with children (there are children everywhere).

    2. Discover something refreshing (or surprising).

    3. Feel your body (you are a miracle of life).

    4. Read a novel (fiction, stories, not the usual self-improvement stuff).

    5. Travel (any distance).

    6. Look for smiles in people’s faces (on the street and on TV).

    7. Write thank you notes (to yourself too).

    8. Create a rhythm for your daily life (simple things will do).

    9. Exercise (in a way that makes you smile).

    10. Help someone (with something you enjoy doing).

    11. Find a color that makes you feel good (and wear it).

    12. Enjoy your spiritual practice. (Enjoy!)

    13. Spend time with nature (plants and pets are nature, too).

    14. Do something creative (just for yourself).

    15. Accept help from people (strangers, too).

    16. Learn something new. (What have you always wanted to learn?)

    17. Listen to music (and let your body move along).

    18. Walk barefoot (slowly).

    19. Savor simple pleasures. (What’s that?)

    20. Give yourself a break (in every sense of the word).

    21. When you have a choice, choose joy.

    I believe most of these suggestions are pretty self-explanatory. If in doubt, just ask in a comment and I’ll respond ASAP.

    Also know that once you decide to allow joy back into your life, joy will show you the way.

  • 5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning

    5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning

    Joyful

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown.

    Death is something many of us fear. Perhaps not so much our own death, but the mere thought of losing a loved one can be heartbreaking.

    On Sunday May 5th, my grandma had a large stroke. She’d baked her last cake, shared her final story, and within the blink of an eye, she was gone. Six days later her life ended, in a hospital bed, surrounded by her loved ones.

    She was not only my grandmother, but also the grandmother to five others, a great-grandmother, a mother of three, and the soul mate to her life partner.

    During the final week of her life, I was abruptly reminded just how fragile life really is, and how everything can change in a second. Here is what I’ve learned:

    1. It’s not what you are; it’s who you are.

    Wealth, status, and career are irrelevant when you are on your deathbed. The only thing that truly matters at the end of your life is how many people loved you for who you were, not what you did for a living.

    My nan had a brilliant sense of humor, countless tales to make us laugh, an abundance of love, and delicious home-cooked food to share. She was always a joy to be around.

    When you look back on your life, it’s not about the amount of money you’ve made, or how many letters you have accumulated after your name; it’s the human beings whose hearts you have touched.

    2. Now is the only time that really matters.

    Don’t put off something that can be done today, as your tomorrow may never arrive.

    Thankfully, my nan had lived a very fulfilling life and had reached the great age of 88. However, death can call for any one of us, at any time.

    Whatever your age, you need to ask yourself: Are you really living your life to its full potential, or constantly waiting for a better tomorrow?

    If you are unhappy with something, change it. If you need to resolve a difference with another person, work on it. Life really is too precious and too fragile to wait for another moment that isn’t now.

    3. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

    Life does have its ups and downs, and it is impossible to be happy all of the time. But, when those joyous moments do arise, enjoy them, savor them, and find a special place for them.

    During the last years of my nan’s life, she found it a struggle to get around. But what she lacked in mobility, she made up for with great wisdom, sharing fond memories and amusing anecdotes from her past.

    As we go through life, we create our own stories and live through countless experiences. Make your today a day that will bring you joy over and over again, when you look back on your life in many years to come.

    4. Share your gifts with the world.

    Everyone knew that our grandma made delicious cakes. But it wasn’t just any old mixture of sugar, butter, flour, and eggs. It was her unique way to share a slice of happiness with her loved ones through her special gift of baking.

    Whatever your talent may be, don’t keep it just for yourself. Share it with others.

    If you’re a great cook, make a fantastic meal for family or friends. If you’re an aspiring artist, make a piece of art for that special person. If you can write, express yourself through a blog and reach out. If you can sing or play an instrument, make an effort to get yourself heard.

    Life is all about sharing. Give back more than what you take. Inspire others, and share your own individual gifts with the people in your world and beyond.

    5. Make a living bucket list.

    You enter this world with nothing, and you leave with nothing. What you accumulate in the middle, the “stuff” you own, does not even come close to defining your worth as a person.

    Material possessions come and go throughout life, but life experiences stay with you until your dying day, bringing smiles and laughter to those listening around you.

    While you are able to live your life to the fullest, do so. If you have always dreamed of visiting that amazing destination, go travel. If you wish to be more creative, find inspiration. Or if you simply want more fun in your life, get out there, connect with people, and enjoy yourself.

    Start your living bucket list today; don’t wait until your days are numbered to start living your dreams.

    Photo by geralt

  • How Simple Little Happy Habits Can Make a Huge Difference

    How Simple Little Happy Habits Can Make a Huge Difference

    “Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness.” ~Charlotte Brontë

    Habits are a double-edged human habitual practice—they can be healthy and unhealthy, and can bring us happiness and unhappiness.

    We’ve all read about the importance of healthy and successful habits, and how to choose and practice them. But I’ve also recently read about how healthy and successful habits alone don’t necessarily lead to good health or real success. There’s more to it.

    What I’m reading now shows that happiness appears to be just as important to well-being and success as lifestyle choices, that happiness alone may actually lead to the good life in body, mind, and spirit.

    Sometimes there are things in life we just have to do. They’re neither painful nor pleasurable, just necessary chores. Why not lighten the load with a few little happy habits?

    In my early twenties, I remember for years not being happy while shopping at the grocery market. To me, it was a dreaded chore.

    I felt a certain sense of overwhelm just stepping into the market.

    The overly-bright lights, the barrage of bad music interrupted only by the even more annoying announcements, the myriad choices (just shop the perimeter), deciphering the ingredients and nutrition facts labels (would the real food please stand out?), the comparison shopping tasks (the mental math matters), the crowds and their carts (to maneuver around), having to remind the clerk time and again that I didn’t want paper or plastic (I brought ’em and I’ll bag ’em), and the expensive ka-ching! (silent swipe, actually) at the check-out.

    And I also recall feeling guilty (first-world problem, right?) while shopping for groceries. There I was, a first-world affluent person with really, not relatively, more than enough money, free (from work) time, and access to good food, and I resented having to shop for it. I really felt unhappy about it.

    Now, this may seem like a trivial problem, but think about it. This little habit was negatively affecting my happiness. And it was no laughing matter, literally. It was making me unhappy.

    Is there something you must do each day or even once or twice a week, something that you’re not happy doing? Are there a few of these somethings?

    How would you describe your day-in and day-out days: happy ones with moments of unhappiness, or unhappy ones with moments of happiness? If there were simple little ways to create more happiness in your life, would you?

    Even though about half of our happiness nature is actually found in the happy gene, there’s still the entire other half (full or empty, depending on which genes you don) that you can choose to nurture. 

    Optimists, drink up! And pessimists, don’t go thirsty! Practice simple little happy habits.

    1. Choose a simple little happy habit.

    First of all, simply set an intention for happiness. Would you like to create a little happiness for yourself and others? Just be conscious of your intention. Then choose a happy habit to practice.

    What thoughts, words, and acts would naturally bring you and others happiness? What would work with your personality, your essential being, and not against it? What’s something you could practice doing that would cause you to lose track of the time and effort it takes to do it?

    Better yet, choose a happy habit that takes very little time and simple efforts in the first place.

    How about just smiling at each person you encounter today?
 How about simply saying please, thank you, and you’re welcome?
 How about sending an email to coworkers or clients expressing your appreciation?

    Repeated small acts of kindness for yourself and others make for happy habits indeed.

    2. Take a little time to simply practice it.

    Is it something you can do any time of the day? Do you need to be in a particular position or situation, or need specific tools or materials? Can you do it even when you’re tired? Remember, keep your happy habit practice simple and little.

    Much like I set up a schedule for practicing meditation, I set up a schedule for practicing happy habits.

    I set electronic reminders. I post sticky notes and make lists. I ask my husband to check in with me at the end of the day. I hold myself accountable for my happiness. Eventually, I’ll be able to practice happy habits anywhere, any time, even with my eyes and heart wide open.

    3. Go get a happy habit study buddy.

    Share in this happiness. Enlist the help of a friend or family member. Open your happy heart. Make a little list of happy habits together. Share your notes. Text or email or call or meet up every so often to share ideas, celebrate successes, and encourage and inspire one another in your habit-making venture. Make a date to do something that brings you both a little happiness.

    Are you ready for something even bigger? Join a group or club, or take a class. What have you always wanted to learn about and experience? Did you know that there is laughter yoga (Hasyayoga)? It’s about practicing laughter (and breathing, of course)—laughter simply by way of laughter. Make your happy practice contagious too.

    If you’d rather go it alone, simply keep a journal. Set a timer for a couple of minutes. Record your happy little intention. And reflect upon your simple little happy habit day.

    4. Check in on your little happy habit.

    Just notice and pay attention to how you feel. Does your happy habit practice feel uncomfortable or comfortable? Is it hard or easy? Do you practice it willingly or unwillingly?

    Basically, do you feel happy for yourself and others while you’re doing it? If so, continue to make a habit of it. If not, it’s time to choose something else, something simpler and littler. Start where you are.

    What happy habit are you practicing right now? In the next hour? By the end of the day? Set small goals at first. As your strength happily increases and your happiness endurance builds, add new goals, happier ones.

    Most research shows that it takes about a month to develop a new habit. Try practicing your little happy habit for a month and just see how happy you are. What’ve you got to lose, a little unhappiness?

    5. Celebrate the littlest of happy habits.

    Ultimately, being happier and sharing happiness is the goal and it’s its own reward. But setting small goals at first and celebrating tiny steps of success will keep you on your happy habit path. Share your happy habits, happiness, with others.

    Happiness, like laughter, is contagious. Infect everyone you meet. You’ll be a little happy hero or heroine.

    Who knows? Simple little happy habits might make you happier, maybe even healthier, and quite possibly wealthier and wiser.

    As for me, shopping at the market for groceries has gotten a lot happier over the years. I wear a happy hat to stave off the lighting, bring along a happy playlist of songs, smile at and help and even chat with my fellow shoppers, and I truly appreciate the abundance in my life. Life is good and happy.

    And I’ve added new little happy habits over the years too. Sometimes when I send a thank you card to someone, I don’t actually write on the card or the envelope. I write my words of thanks on a sticky note and place it inside the card. On another sticky note, I encourage the person to thank someone else today using the card and envelope that’s right there.

    Share happiness—write a comment, sharing your simple little happy habits and how you practice them. We’d all appreciate it. Thanks, and smiles of happiness!

  • Slow Down: Join the Stillness Revolution for More Peace and Joy

    Slow Down: Join the Stillness Revolution for More Peace and Joy

    Slow Down

    “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    I recently treated myself to a retreat in the mountains, with the intention of pulling out of the busyness of every day life so that I could spend time healing and in reflective writing.

    Setting off, I anticipated an easy drive as traffic looked light, but when I reached the mountain pass, I experienced something I had never experienced before:

    I was completely blind to my surroundings.

    In fact, I realized I had driven into the clouds themselves, engulfed by a pure white energy.

    Not fog. Not mist. Just pure white.

    For a moment, I was gripped by fear, as one of my recurring dreams involves me speeding around steep, curvy roads until I lose control and drive completely off the edge.

    But I noticed the fearful energy quick enough to rein it back in and surrender to the beauty of what I was experiencing.

    In order for me to surrender without fear of driving over the edge (or into another car), I had to slow down and become hyper present and aware.

    Slow down. Be still.

    Creeping along at two miles an hour, I quickly recognized the message the universe was sending me through my experience on that mountain pass that day, and it reignited a passion in me to share this message with you.

    Our lives seem to travel at warp speeds these days, with our minds taking in and spewing out information faster than we can keep up with, and our bodies running ragged with the intention to get up early and stay up late in order to get it all done.

    Everything around us screams, “Go, go, go” not “slow, slow, slow.” Modern society simply doesn’t promote this kind of “radical” behavior.

    So it’s going to take rebels like you and me to fuel this stillness revolution.

    Yes, I wrote “rebel” because you are going against the stream, and you are most certainly going to feel a little “different” in doing so.

    Your own ego might even resist the very idea of a stillness revolution—rejecting it as being ridiculous, unreasonable, and completely insensible.

    Here’s the response from my higher self to that ego doubt (and trust me, my ego is shouting it too).

    What if creating a more peaceful and more joyful life means taking actions that seem a bit ridiculous, unreasonable, and insensible?

    There is an exercise I use that might shift your perspective called “When I’m 92.”

    You can read the below and then close your eyes to really practice the meditation or you can simply follow along now with your eyes open.

    Take 3 conscious breaths to settle back into your body and into the now.

    Imagine yourself lying in a bed in the hospital when you’re 92 years old.

    You are surrounded by love—loving doctors and nurses and most of all, your loving family

    You’ve lived an amazing life and you are filled with gratitude for all of the experiences you’ve had.

    Your 32-year-old grand-daughter, a self-proclaimed “workaholic,” rushes in, apologizing for running late, and explaining she only has about 15 minutes to stay, as she really must get back to another meeting.

    Your 92-year-old self smiles at her and radiates peace and love around her busy energy.

    She sits down and takes your frail hand, softening and opening to receive.

    The wisdom flows through you to her, as you say:

    “My beautiful grandchild, if there is one piece of wisdom I can leave with you before my soul returns to the light, it’s this:

    Slow down and be still.

    Every single moment that you spend in a space of stillness will be worthwhile and make your life richer than you could have ever thought possible.”

    Take a conscious breath—and now imagine you have become the 32-year-old granddaughter.

    As that young and busy soul, receive the energy of these words and absorb the meaning into your very core.

    Allow yourself this stillness as you’re in this meditative space right now to begin cultivating the practice of stillness in your every day life.

    When your intuition tells you that the exercise is complete, send gratitude to your higher self and 92-year-old self, then bring yourself back to this conscious moment with another easy breath (and gently blink your eyes open if they were closed).

    Take out your journal, or just a piece of paper if you don’t have a journaling practice, and free write how grounded and peaceful you felt during the above exercise.

    Allow your intuition to guide you to choose one action you can take to support your own stillness revolution.

    Perhaps, like me, you want to formally create the space for an extended period of slowing down and being still by scheduling a retreat in nature?

    Or maybe you want to begin with a simpler practice such as writing the words “Slow Down and Be Still” on a post-it note and putting it up on your car dashboard so that it can remind you of this wisdom as you hustle to and fro?

    The specific action isn’t as important as simply taking any action, so choose one and share in the comments below how you are going to slow down and play your part in the stillness revolution!

    Photo by N I C O L A

  • Make Sure You’ll Smile When You Look Back on Your Life

    Make Sure You’ll Smile When You Look Back on Your Life

    Looking Back

    “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.” ~Carl Rogers

    I had just gotten settled into my hospital bed after two hours of preparation. I had 32 electrodes taped to my bandage-wrapped skull, plugged into a machine that monitored my brainwaves, with just enough room to go from the bed to the bathroom.

    After two ambulance rides and multiple seizures, I needed to find out what was going on with my brain.

    The full diagnosis of my disease was still unknown then. The doctors told me it could be serious and to prepare for the worst.

    The worst?

    “Yes, they said. Your time on this earth could be seriously limited.”

    Weeks? Months? A year? Years? They said “yes.” In other words, they didn’t know yet.

    When the nurse left my room, I was there by myself with nothing but my thoughts about my life and death.

    It quickly dawned on me that at some point, most people would be in hospital beds, facing their mortality and asking themselves the hardest question they will be forced to ask: Did I live a fulfilled life?

    I began to audit my life and smiled.

    If the worst news came, I knew I’d be leaving this earth walking the path of fulfillment. Granted, I wanted several more decades to walk the path, but my brain condition forced me to answer that question of all questions.

    The phrase “the path of fulfillment” was a revelation I’d had nearly 20 years ago on the plane ride home from my mother’s funeral.

    Fulfillment is a constantly moving energy. It’s a path, not a place. You’re either walking on it or away from it. That’s why you have to work at it everyday to stay on the path.

    Back then I wasn’t doing what, in my heart, I knew I always wanted. I wanted to make movies and music, to influence others, to make the world a better place. There were so many things I always wanted to do.

    But they were huge endeavors, and fear superseded these dreams.

    I had to face the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of rejection, the fear of what people would think.

    So I acted. I wanted to make a movie. It was 1999, so the first thing I did when I landed at home in Austin, Texas was buy a computer, Final Cut pro editing software, and a digital camera.

    I had never used a camera or editing software, but that didn’t matter. I took one small step at a time, and in two years my wife and I were travelling to New York, Los Angeles, and Muskogee, Oklahoma to view my documentary at film festivals.

    Guess what the documentary was about? That’s right—fulfillment!

    As a part of the documentary, I produced two of my own songs. Those songs played all over the world. That’s when there were 25,000 Internet Radio stations begging for music, so radio play over the web was accessible as long as you had a radio-ready produced song worth the airwaves.

    Again, one small step at a time, and I had a movie and music under my belt.

    I wanted to run a marathon. I was overweight and never really ran long distance before. But, all it took was a start, commitment, and follow-through. It took three years to accomplish, but I took small steps to make the big run.

    I started by running one mile, then two, then a 10K, then a ten miler, then running a marathon in four hours and forty-seven minutes. Not a record setting pace, eh? Didn’t matter. To me, I had won the gold medal.

    Fulfillment transcended again on March 5, 2007. That’s when I held my beautiful daughter in my arms, looking at all of her beauty, as she was perfect on that day she was to born. But she was dead. And it was tragic, no doubt about it, but if reinforced that life is fragile, and we need to honor it.

    So I’m not going into the darkness that lay ahead, just the light that came from her death.

    The revelation of fulfillment had elevated to the connections in our lives. Through all of this hardship, I was glad I’d married my best friend, as I don’t know how we could have survived otherwise.

    All of our friends and family stood with us and were there for whatever we needed. I had made it a commitment and priority for my 40-something years on this planet to nurture true and deep friendships.

    Those deep relationships paid off when I needed them the most. And still do.

    I am close friends with those that I connected with in first grade, sixth grade, high school, and college—those relationships where you can peel off all of the layers and just be yourself and laugh and cry all in the same breath.

    Again, it was a commitment I made to be a true friend for all of those decades. You have to be a friend to have friends.

    You have to make time to call them, Skype them, have a drink with them. In the end when you’re in your hospital bed facing your mortality, it is those connections that will truly matter.

    To build those connections, first and foremost, you have to connect with yourself.

    You have to know who you are, what you stand for, and how you want to connect with people and the society we live in.

    When you connect with yourself, you can face your fears. You can build the confidence to act on your passions, to commit to them and follow through. And in doing this with deep connections, you can walk the path of fulfillment.

    We now have a beautiful four-year-old daughter who is the brightest connection in our lives. My brain condition is in check as long as I take my handful of pills each day.

    I make sure I cherish every moment with my daughter, my wife and best friend, my friends, and my family.

    And I make damn sure that I honor my commitments to connect with myself, my loved ones, and the world where we all live.

    Remember, one day, you will be in your hospital bed auditing your life. When you do look back on your life, you want to make sure you smile.

    Photo by SilentMind8

  • 10 Ways to Deal with Negative or Difficult People

    10 Ways to Deal with Negative or Difficult People

    “Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.” ~Shirley MacLaine

    I love her to death, but it’s draining to talk to her.

    Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour rant about everything that’s difficult, miserable, or unfair.

    Sometimes she focuses on the people she feels have wronged her, and other times she explores the general hopelessness of life. She never calls to see how I’m doing, and she rarely listens to what’s going on in my life for more than a minute before shifting the focus back to herself.

    I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice or even to feel better about my own reality.

    I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, it’s that we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.

    I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: “How do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it?”

    While I believe everyone deserves compassion, I understand what she meant after reading more. She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.

    But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that ends up affecting everyone around them.

    So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem chronically critical, belligerent, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.

    When someone repeatedly drains everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?

    Here’s what I’ve come up with:

    1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.

    It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice noun. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently, we have to remember it is possible.

    When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.

    2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.

    It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely justify bad behavior. If you show negative people you support their choice to behave badly, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).

    It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t bring you down with them.

    3.Maintain a positive boundary.

    Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you to maintain a positive space when other people enter it with negativity. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”

    Then when I interact with this person, I try to do two things, in this order of importance:

    • Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
    • Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.

    4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.

    This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.

    Then I remind myself that I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. I also can’t listen for hours on end, as I’ve done in the past. But I can listen compassionately for a short while and then help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk.

    Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.

    5. Temper your emotional response.

    Negative people often gravitate toward others who react strongly–people who easily offer compassion or get outraged or offended. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.

    People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing.

    Once you’ve offered a compassionate ear for as long as you can, respond as calmly as possible with a simple line of fact. If you’re dealing with a rude or angry person, you may want to change the subject to something unrelated: “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”

    6. Question what you’re getting out of it.

    Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you maintained the relationship so you can gossip about this person in a holier-than-thou way with others? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?

    Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.

    7. Remember the numbers.

    Research shows that people with negative attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.

    What a sad reality, that someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself.

    8. Don’t take it personally, but know that sometimes it is personal.

    Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never take things personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says about you just because the person is insensitive or tactless. Even an abrasive person may have a valid point. Try to weigh their comments with a willingness to learn.

    Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right.

    9. Act instead of just reacting.

    Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed before we try to buoy their spirits. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings often (as demonstrated in their behavior), don’t wait for a situation to help them create positive feelings.

    Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in “Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome!” You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later and also give them a little relief from their pain.

    10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.

    With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help, because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.

    That means gently bringing our conversation to a close after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting short a night out if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. That often means putting them first.

    —

    I’ve learned you can’t always save the world, but you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace within yourself that their negativity can’t pierce.

  • 8 Easy Ways To Spread Happiness Around You

    8 Easy Ways To Spread Happiness Around You

    Happy Days

    “All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” ~Proverb

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to contribute to the world somehow. I’ve always dreamed of starting a charity organization. I bet that, just like me, you walk around with some sort of wish in your heart to change the world in some way, but you might not do anything about it. How come?

    My excuses were time, money, fears, and not knowing how to go about it. I’m guessing you have similar hindrances.

    Until recently I held on to the limiting belief that someday, one perfect day, when I’m done being busy with pursuing my masters degree, working my current part-time job in a call center, and raising two small kids under five, I’ll follow my heart and contribute to this world. Someday.

    It’s a myth!

    Through my job in a call center, I witness lots of tragedies that happen to people, and they’ve been wakeup calls for me.

    I’ve understood something life-changing: all I really have is today. And I better make it count.

    So I made a conscious decision, a choice, to throw all my fears away and start spreading happiness.

    I thought, I might not be able to start a charity now, but I can take a tiny step and start as a volunteer in some existing organization. So I joined hospital clown project, where I do the small, practical stuff for them.

    I also decided to spread happiness around my inner circle—my husband, my two kids, my family, friends, and colleagues, with small things. (more…)