Tag: joy

  • Create a Little Bit of Bliss Every Day

    Create a Little Bit of Bliss Every Day

    “Follow your bliss and let the magic of life happen.” ~Janelle Jalbert

    Is there something you always wanted to do as a child, and for whatever reason didn’t do? Is there something that you have wanted to do for years? Perhaps it is something that didn’t seem practical. Maybe you felt you wouldn’t be very good at it or you didn’t have the time or the money.

    You can ignore the urging, submerge it, and choose not to follow through on it. But it will show up again and again, and sometimes in the oddest places. For me it was in the toy aisle at a local department store.

    Here’s what happened.

    My husband and I walked into a popular department store, looking for the toy and game shelves. We wanted a board game we could play with our young grandchildren. I assume there was some kind of bland elevator music playing, but I didn’t notice it until it changed to an upbeat dance tune.

    The beat caught my attention, and my feet, seemingly of their own accord, started to move to the rhythm. A minute later they started to tap dance.

    As a child I wanted to learn to tap dance, but for some reason I never expressed that desire. Perhaps I was afraid of looking big and heavy in a dance costume, or feeling awkward on my feet. Whatever the reason, I never told my mother, I never took lessons.

    The desire to tap dance stayed with me, most times submerged beneath school, friends and family. As a teenager I learned one tap step from a friend, Shuffle Off to Buffalo, and enjoyed shuffling and tapping just for fun.

    That’s as far as I went with it. There was always too much else to do. Besides, what would I do with it even if I learned how to tap dance?

    Fast forward through fifty years and there I was in the toy aisle, tapping and shuffling my feet. My husband, tolerant man that he is, just smiled at me. But my feet surprised me that day.

    I’d love to be the kind of person who can just break out in song and dance and not worry about what other people think of me. I’m not. For me to dance in the aisles of a department store is unusual.

    Add to that the fact that I’m a sixty-four-year-old grandmother with an arthritic knee and ankle. I danced anyway and laughed at myself.

    Back home again I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. My husband sat at the counter reading a magazine. He said something to me and I looked over at him. The words “Take a Chance—Dance” headlined the page I saw in his hand in bold letters.

    Okay, I thought, perhaps my feet and the Universe are telling me something.

    “Bliss is doing that which fulfills you. Action that touches you deeply and fully. Bliss is active. Bliss is…following your dreams, desires, or heart.” ~Angie Karan

    The next day I searched out a how-to tap dance video on my computer. I was delighted to discover a number of them specifically designed for absolute beginners.

    I chose one, set the computer up where I could see it on the dining room table, and learned the first basic steps of tap dancing, shuffling and tapping around my dining room floor in my sandals.

    My inner child was ecstatic. I smiled and laughed, stamped, shuffled, and tapped.

    My husband walked in, no doubt wondering what all the stomping was about. “I’m learning how to tap dance!” I beamed. He smiled, shook his head, and left the room. I kept at it.

    The emotional lift I felt from just those few minutes learning dance steps stayed with me all day. I smiled whenever I thought of it.

    Our bliss may come in small packages. It may look like a subtle urging that has been with you since you were a child.

    It may not be your life purpose, or even life changing. It may simply be something that allows you to express the childlike happiness that is within you. Something that many adults have forgotten is there.

    I have no idea what learning to tap dance is going to do for me, or where it will take me. I do know that it is time for me to allow the desire that has been within me for years to express.

    These longings stay with us for a reason. It is our soul talking to us through the language of our desires.

    Why does my soul want me to tap dance? I don’t know. I do know that it’s fun and good exercise, and that’s enough for now.

    What is your soul telling you? Let’s find out with a simple exercise.

    Gather paper and pen and give yourself a few minutes of quiet time.

    At the top of your paper write, “When I was a child, I loved to…”

    Complete the sentence with a list of the things you loved to do as a child.

    Now write, “When I was a child, I always wanted to…”

    Complete the sentence with the things you wanted to do as a child but didn’t or weren’t able to do.

    How many of these activities are part of your life today?

    If your favorite thing to do as a child was to create models of rockets with plastic blocks, how are you expressing your love of creative construction in your life today?

    What if you always wanted to go horseback riding as a child but only got to go once, and that love of horses is still with you? Could you sign up for horseback riding lessons today?

    Perhaps you tell yourself you don’t have time or money for pursuits that are just for fun. Perhaps you tell yourself that you’ll get to that later. But if not now, then when?

    Life zips by us while we are busy doing, doing, doing. Allow yourself to enjoy the journey. Listen to the urgings you feel inside. Don’t wait for some time in the future when you’ll have more time, money, or more accomplished. Do what you can to live a little bit of your bliss each day.

    Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I have to Shuffle Off to Buffalo.

  • 3 Ways to Stop Obsessing and Start Enjoying More of Your Life

    3 Ways to Stop Obsessing and Start Enjoying More of Your Life

    “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” ~Marcus Aurelius

    I’ve come to realize that worrying and obsessing don’t help or change anything.

    Hold up. Wait a minute!

    Let me rephrase that, because worrying and obsessing do change things. They make your life worse. I think pretty much everyone in the world knows this, but how hard do we try to stop doing these things?

    What If?

    Every day you wake up and you think and obsess and wonder, “What if?”

    What if I lose my job? What if he leaves me? What if I lose everything and end up homeless?

    Day after day your mind spins out of control contemplating all the things that could go wrong with your relationship or your life. On and on and on it goes, and where it stops nobody knows.

    Aren’t you getting tired of thinking all the time? Isn’t obsessing about possibilities wearing you out? At what point do you decide you should stop getting caught up in your thinking, but then actually make a change?

    I’m tired, and I know relentless thinking wears me out. Just to let you know that I understand, I’ll give you an example.

    Honestly, I have the best boyfriend ever (for me anyway) because he doesn’t let a lot of things get him down. I mean, the guy is genuinely happy and content 99% of the time. Me, not so much. He has been through multiple deployments, many of them combat, and still he never lets stuff get to him.

    But, how does this happen? Where can I get some of what he has? This, I have been contemplating.

    I’ve come to realize he feels happy more than I do because he doesn’t overanalyze life, question everything, and obsess about the future. And he probably also doesn’t obsess about how happy he is and how he can be happier!

    Here’s how it goes:

    Me: “Does he even love me? Is he ever going to totally integrate me into his life? Am I too boring for him? I really need to get some hobbies. Am I settling, or do I expect too much? I’m so fussy sometimes and I don’t know how he handles it. Where are we going to move? When is he going to deploy? Where is he going to go? Is he going to leave me here all alone?”

    I look over at him longingly, wondering what’s going through his mind, because it must be something serious and important, and he must be contemplating the fate of our relationship or the existence of the Universe, right?

    He knows when I look at him with that longing look I want to know what he’s thinking about. So, I say, “Tell me, I must know!”

    Him: “I need some new pants.” Or he’ll utter, “I want a key-less ignition for my bike.” Or, the earth-shattering statement, “My feet really stink.”

    It’s possible he’s just not telling me what he’s really thinking, but if he is obsessing like I do, it doesn’t show in how he lives his life.

    The more time I spend with him, the more I realize I’m wasting my life away obsessing about what might be or what could be or what isn’t instead of simply enjoying the moment and living in gratitude for what I have.

    My guy gets all happy and excited about the little things, and for some reason I don’t. I try. So far, I have failed. But, I vow that going forward I will not fail. I will stop obsessing all the time and I will be a lot happier as a result.

    Do you know why you obsess? Is it serving a purpose anymore? If not, you can change it. Here’s how.

    1. You have to want it.

    Are you at the point where you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired yet? If not, keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe obsessing still works for you in some way and you aren’t yet ready to change. That’s okay. We all change when we’re ready, and we get to different points at different times.

    Wanting to change starts with a conscious choice you have to make. At some point you decide that you want to take control of your life instead of letting your life, your history, and your mind control you.

    Think long and hard. Do you truly, really, honestly want to be happier? I believe that I have struggled with this notion for a long time. In my head I want to be happy, but in my heart there’s a seed of doubt.

    Happiness is something I had briefly when I was a small child, but it was shattered by abusive adults. What if I get it back and it gets taken away again? As an adult I know that isn’t logically possible because no one can take away my happiness, but it’s still a lingering fear.

    Do you feel something similar?

    Despite this fear I’ve decided that I want to be happier. I’m running out of time. We’re all running out of time. Your life is ticking away every day, and you never know when it will end.

    Decide you want to enjoy more of your life. Decide you deserve to enjoy more of your life. Decide you will do something to change, and then you will.

    2. You have to rewire your brain.

    This is the hard part. Your mind has been wired a certain way, possibly due to traumatic events, abuse, or neglect. There’s a roadmap that takes you from Point A to Point B, without fail. Before you know it, an innocuous thought like, “Does he really care about me?” has turned into you remembering every instance he showed you he didn’t care (or at least that’s how you interpreted those events), and you have now convinced yourself you should break up.

    See how this works? Often, it isn’t logical, and it isn’t factual. You’re creating stories in your head because your mind is trying to contain and assuage your fears, put them in a box, and allow you to function with the ever-scary “not knowing.”

    The fact of the matter is, you don’t know. You don’t know if your partner will leave you (they might die or cheat or break up with you—or they might stay forever). You don’t know if you’ll die tomorrow. You don’t know if you’ll lose your job or have financial struggles or end up winning the lottery.

    Recognize when you’re obsessing, then decide to accept what you don’t know and stop getting caught up in your thoughts. Do it once. Do it twice. Do it over and over and over until you have a little peace. If meditation helps, then do that. If sitting at the beach or reading a book helps, then do that. Do whatever will help you bring a little peace to your mind.

    Once you’ve created a little space in your head, you have to start believing. When you realize you’ve been wondering, “Does she really care about me?” remind yourself, “She shows she cares about me.” Start believing the good instead of the bad.

    It took me about a year to convince myself that my boyfriend really cared, even though his actions showed he did. He kept showing up and didn’t run away, but still, I had to get over my fear that no man would ever really care about me and they’d only want to use me.

    If your partner doesn’t show they care, then that’s something you need to actively address. Obsessing about something can’t change it. Only action can.

    3. You have to learn to love the little things.

    I know this is hard sometimes. If you feel apathetic or tired or depressed it’s hard to see the good in anything. But every day there are usually little things that happen that could bring you joy, even if for a few minutes.

    Yesterday I went to the beach for a few hours. Being in the sun, feeling the wind, and hearing the ocean brings peace to my soul. I try to do this as often as possible because it reminds me to appreciate being alive.

    Watching him cook breakfast makes me happy. I had to learn to sit back and let someone do something (anything) for me, and now I smile a little every time he whips up some eggs and bacon.

    They have a baby hippo at the zoo. He weighs five hundred pounds, but he bobbles around like a fat, happy, little apple in the water, and watching him makes me happy.

    I decided to buy some flowers to put in our bedroom so I can look at the sunny little yellow bunch every day.

    And I’m thinking we need a dog so I have something else to focus on.

    I’m trying to find simple things to make me happy instead of waiting for some big, giant event or some magical time when life suddenly changes and becomes more fulfilling, because that won’t ever happen. You create your reality, and if you keep waiting for life to happen, it will slowly pass you by.

    What about you? What makes you happy? There must be something you’re grateful for, and if not, find or create something. Do you paint or write? Maybe you like animals and want to volunteer at a shelter. Maybe you need to get out in nature every day even if only for an hour.

    Think of those little things that bring you joy and make sure you do them as often as possible. Try to focus on what’s good in your life, because we can spend all day focusing on what’s wrong or what isn’t working or what could be better, but honestly that doesn’t get us anywhere but into a negative spiral.

    Most importantly, don’t give up if you fall backward. Don’t let the outside world make you feel like you aren’t enough if you aren’t perfect and happy and smiling all the time like everyone else on Instagram. A picture isn’t life, and social media can make you feel like a failure if you let it.

    It’s okay to struggle. You don’t have to be perfect. You’re enough just the way you are, and as long as you keep moving forward and make peace with your journey, you are doing all you can and you should be proud of yourself.

    So, get out there. Stop letting obsessive thoughts control you and start living your life for today!

  • Feeling Empty? Here’s How to Find Joy (and Yourself) Again

    Feeling Empty? Here’s How to Find Joy (and Yourself) Again

    “Many people are alive but don’t touch the miracle of being alive.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh 

    “Who are you? No, really. Who are you?”

    I stood at my bathroom mirror, towel twisted around my head, inspecting my own reflection. A woman I hardly recognized looked back at me with empty eyes. Empty mouth. Empty insides.

    “Who are you?”

    Silence.

    “What do you want?”

    Nada.

    “What are you thinking?”

    Zilch.

    I sighed and reached for the toothbrush. The truth is, I’d been there before. That empty-sad feeling. The feeling of not quite fitting in. Not quite feeling fulfilled.  

    Before, I’d brush it off. Dig deep, push through, move on.

    I’d say everything was just fine. It sure looked just “fine.” After all, I was a fully functional adult. Everyone said so.

    I had my education, a career, a husband, kids, a house.

    I was chipping away at that mortgage and student loan debt. They’re the good kinds of debt, you know.

    I’d checked the boxes on life’s to-do list. Isn’t this what we should all be aiming for?

    I didn’t know it yet, but this time would be different. That moment would be the turning point after too many years convincing myself that I didn’t know the answer to my questions.

    This would be the moment of renewal, reclaiming the missing pieces of me and offering them the loving care they deserved all this time.

    Later that day, kneeling down at the washing machine, ruminating about I don’t even know what, it hit me: a full-body NO. This is not what life is meant to be, I thought.

    It was a no to this being my everyday experience. No to living on autopilot. No to feeling empty. No to not even recognizing myself.

    It was a punch through the chest. My eyes welled with bottled up tears, and I had the distinct feeling of just wanting to go home.

    I’d been pushed over the edge of the cliff I’d tiptoed for years.

    The real surprise, though, was the laughter that followed. It tickled my throat and escaped through bursts of tears. I reached up to wipe my cheeks and found a smile there.

    The relief of seeing all of this and finally saying, “No!” was the most amazing thing.

    I spent the next few days in quiet observation, breathing through the pins and needles of waking up.

    At first, I didn’t know what to make of the mixed-up, muddy feelings that met me. Was this anguish? Euphoria? Confusion for sure, but I felt I had no choice but to keep going.

    So, I walked softly and resisted the urge to define this.

    The more intently I listened, the more clearly I started to hear and feel yes and no. They curled through my day, winding themselves around everything I’d just accepted as “the way things are.” 

    The no’s felt empty, hallow, fake. It felt like acting. It was resistance and alarm bells and forcing. Even though it had been my usual mode of operation, being in a state of no also started to hurt.

    But yes… yes felt alive. It was light, expansive, and exciting. I felt energized and creative whenever I was there. The best part was, it was easy.

    Of course, as any of us would, I wanted more of the yes and less of the no. I grabbed a sheet of paper and drew a line down the middle. Two columns: yes and no.

    Beside yes, I wrote “lights me up.” Beside no, “drains me.”

    Then, I listed all of the yes’s and no’s I felt during the day. It was nothing fancy, just a quick word about what I did and how I felt. By the end of the week, I’d created my personal manual for living.

    It was my blueprint for calling my lost parts back.  

    There on that sheet of paper, in my own handwriting, were all the things I’d always known but didn’t yet see.

    I saw that there are naturally things that will be unpleasant or less than thrilling, but that my being doesn’t need to feel that way. There is so much opportunity for yes if we’ll allow for it. So, I started to follow yes with more intention.

    I bought a stack of composition books and carried one with me everywhere.

    I started to draw again after almost thirty years.

    I wrote a poem, and then another and another.

    I started writing children’s stories.

    I fed my spirit good music, sunlight, plenty of color, and lots of space.

    And I remembered that lightness is like oxygen for your soul.

    Now I see that that face, those eyes, those insides, they weren’t empty. They were aching with the kind of deep burn that comes from turning your back on yourself, walking away, and never looking back. I’d just numbed it is all.

    I’d let myself get too busy to think of things like who I am, what I dream, and what I believe more than anything.

    I retreated into my day-in-and-day-out and identified with the little dramas, whether they were mine to start with or not.

    It wasn’t all gloom, mind you.

    I was ambitious. Driven, dedicated, motivated. A real go-getter and other fully functional adult-type things.

    I was also grateful for life’s many blessings and aware of the countless privileges bestowed upon me that had nothing to do with my work ethic or worth as a person.

    Like I said, I was fine. (But not really.)

    I was aimless and stuck in a close enough approximation of inner peace and freedom. I existed as a fragment of me.

    Looking back, it was on that day that I decided that even if I was fine, fine was not enough.  

    Fine is not thriving.

    Fine is not complete.

    Fine is not what I came here to experience, and I couldn’t face another day of pretending to be here and whole.

    My sense of wonder and magic, my awe, my creative spirit, and my light had been calling out to me all this time. Only I couldn’t hear it until then.

    I don’t know if I’d been more scared or ashamed of who I was after casting away these important parts of myself. Maybe I didn’t recognize them as my own. Or maybe I thought this was how it’s supposed to feel. It’s just how things are—you can’t be successful and free, whole and at peace.

    Yet, there they were this whole time, turning toward me like flowers turning toward the sun. They held tight to the cracks in this facade I’d created.

    I suppose they never were lost, just watching and waiting until the day I set down my resistance and welcomed them back home.

    Calling my lost parts home didn’t happen in one grand, sweeping gesture. It took a lot of little moments. Awkward, wobbly baby steps that took me sideways and backward just as easily as forward.

    It took me a while, but I finally figured out that when you feel a yes, you follow it. And bit by bit, all those little steps coalesced into what from the outside looks like the one moment I “took the leap.”  

    If any part of my story resonates with you, then maybe you know what it feels like to pretend to be here and whole. And maybe you’ve had those little moments of clarity and mini-epiphanies that “fine” is not what you came here to experience.

    Maybe you’ve heard your lost parts knocking at your door asking to come home. And maybe you’re ready to listen.

    It may seem like an impossibly long journey when you’re in the walking sleep of I’m fine, but calling your lost parts back and welcoming them inside is as easy as following what lights you up one baby step at a time.

  • Why Trying to Feel Good Can Make You Feel Bad

    Why Trying to Feel Good Can Make You Feel Bad

    “The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” ~Paulo Coelho

    We’re bombarded by images of people living apparently perfect lives. They suffer no bereavements or breakups or losses or failures. They look perfect, make perfect choices, and act perfect.

    Everyone seems to love them as they sail from success to success, with zero misfortunes, mistakes, or regrets.

    So, it’s easy to believe that we, too, need to be perfect.

    I had a simple definition of success when I was younger. It was whatever made others admire, or at least accept me.

    So, I aimed for better jobs. This was defined in terms of salary.

    As a young doctor, I started out in a poorly paid job. I made it through a PhD, then an MBA. The research was impactful, but what excited me as much was that doors opened to me.

    Instead of me chasing jobs, they started chasing me. I sought to double my salary. When that happened, I sought to double it again.

    This game kept going, and to the world I was a success. My mother took pride in telling people what I did.

    My life at home told a different story.

    I had to travel a lot at a time when our children were young. Even though I tried to confine that to a week at a time, I was becoming a stranger to them.

    A simple incident proved to be a turning point.

    I was in our sitting room going through some notes before setting out for work. Our young son was playing. He became noisier and noisier.

    My mind was on my notes, and his was on his play.

    Then he started running up and down the sitting room. It was going well for him until I reacted.

    He was probably imitating some noisy vehicle or airplane. At least that’s what it sounded like to me, as I tried to concentrate on my notes.

    As he ran past me, I put my arm out to stop him.

    Unfortunately, my adult arm was like a wall to him. Our little boy hit my arm and fell to the floor.

    This remains one of the incidents I’m deeply ashamed of.

    He burst into tears, and my partner rushed to pick him up and comfort him.

    My job continued to be center stage, but the scales were starting to fall from my eyes.

    I tried to make it up to him, visiting a motor show together. He loved the shiny cars, including the one Michael Schumacher had driven in the Formula One championship.

    As he held my hand throughout our motor show visit, I began to experience more deeply the meaning of the saying “Love makes the world go round.”

    The piles of responsibilities in my job began to weigh on me more heavily. I was walking a tightrope of stress, irritability, and worry.

    A routine medical exam confirmed what I had suspected: I was an unfit, overweight wreck, in need of medication to keep my heart and circulation in working order. Our family life was far from the ideal picture that our beautiful home must have presented to the world. I was a well-paid but emotionally exhausted wreck.

    We talked it over and my partner was very clear. Our family life too was beginning to resemble a wreck. The money was simply not worth it.

    We should uproot ourselves and make a new life, whatever that brought.

    Since then, I’ve been through many years of life experiences.

    I went from being an absentee parent to making time to play with our children nearly every day. That remains one of the greatest sources of satisfaction to me.

    I went from measuring success in purely financial terms to a wider definition of success. The spark that had gone out of our marriage was rekindled and the embers grew steadily into a new romance.

    My passion for music making had been put on the back burner for years, but I’ve since nurtured it. I try to make some time each day to create music, and have had the good fortune to perform and record with some great musicians.

    I started converting all my medical and scientific knowledge into practical actions. I lost inches from my waist and no longer needed any medication.

    However, the biggest changes occurred in my inner life.

    Stress, irritability, and worry used to bother me. I don’t mean just in terms of experiencing them. I mean being annoyed and angry with myself for not feeling good at all times.

    Aren’t we all meant to try and feel good all the time? Isn’t that what makes a good life? Isn’t constant happiness our highest ideal?

    We look online or in glossy magazines and see celebrities smiling and laughing on the red carpet. We see sages and gurus glowing. We see so many apparently perfect people living perfect lives.

    Why can’t we feel good all the time?

    I’ve come to understand that there’s something beyond happiness, something more substantial than a passing emotion.

    It’s the joy of doing what you consider to be important and good. It involves recognizing what really matters to you. It involves gladly losing what is less important.

    It’s living in better alignment with what you value, deep in your heart.

    Does this bring good feelings all the time? No.

    Sometimes it brings stress, as when you have to speak out for what you believe is right even when that’s against the tide. Or when you have to keep going when you’d rather give up. Or when you have to give up when you’d rather keep going.

    Sometimes it brings low moods, as when everything seems to be going wrong. The stock market crashes, you lose a valued assignment, your friend has a misunderstanding with you, you have a raging argument with your partner, your treasured outcomes simply don’t happen, people don’t keep their word to you, or are spiteful to you, and so on.

    Sometimes it brings fear, as when you have to try something you’re not entirely comfortable with or take risks that seem too big. Even the prospect of failure can bring fear.

    Sometimes it brings guilt and shame, as when you do something you deeply regret or fail to keep your word.

    Sometimes it brings self-doubt, as when everyone else is going left and you’re going right in life.

    One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that the more you struggle to avoid difficult feelings, the worse life can get.

    Imagine a great runner. On the track, the runner is invincible. They want to be invincible everywhere.

    Put that same runner in quicksand and they’re in trouble.

    The more they try to run their way out of the quicksand, the deeper they sink.

    The way to cope with quicksand is to stop struggling and lie back. Eventually you’ll be rescued.

    It can be the same with difficult feelings. After a point, they become like quicksand. Struggling with them beyond that point just sucks you in deeper.

    It’s good to reach for pleasant feelings when they’re within easy reach.

    However, when you start beating yourself up for feeling bad, then it’s time to remember quicksand.

    Sometimes it’s better to lie back and float than to try and swim. This means allowing yourself to feel the full range of human emotions.

    This doesn’t mean wallowing in your feelings. It means just letting them be. Not struggling with them.

    You can still do what you consider to be good and important, within your capabilities. That helps take the sting out of difficult feelings.

    That helps bring a profound joy that is beyond fleeting emotions.

    It’s a kinder, gentler, and more fulfilling way of living. It’s great for your wellbeing, especially when life gets difficult.

    Recently our grown-up children joined us for a short family break. We were on a deserted beach. Our son picked up a flat pebble and made it skim the water.

    Soon, we were all competing to see who could get the most bounces.

    I stood back for a moment, watching the scene, and thought to myself: life doesn’t get much better than this.

    I wish I’d known as an unfit and emotionally exhausted forty-year-old what I know as a fit and joyful sixty-year-old. But they say sixty is the new forty. So it’s never too late, or too early, to start living better.

  • What to Do If You’re Not Passionate About Anything

    What to Do If You’re Not Passionate About Anything

    “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” ~Unknown

    I’ve always believed in the benefits of having a healthy, strong body.

    I admit, as a young adult my healthiness was driven predominantly by fear. Fear of being fat. Fear of being sick. Fear of missing out at events (aka FOMO).

    So, I went to the gym, I ran, I dieted, I had strict rules, and if I followed them I’d be okay… or so believed.

    From my daughter’s perspective, I wasn’t much fun to live with. She preferred reading and dabbled in ballet and horse riding. But the gym? Definitely not. Running? Hell no!

    So, I did what any fear-driven mom would do. I exerted my will. I forced her to participate. Because I knew better! Didn’t I?

    I coerced, cajoled, and even threatened.

    In my limited view, she was simply being lazy. Nothing that a bit of “discipline” couldn’t fix, right?

    She’d eventually do it. Begrudgingly. Just to get me off her back. And, no surprise, she hated it (and, probably, me too).

    With hindsight, I now see just how much I contributed to her deep-rooted dislike of physical sports. Guilty as charged.

    Over the years, as we both grew up (yup, me too), I learned about passions. And about how different it supposedly feels to participate in anything from a place of “passion.” Until then, it was theoretical. Something I had yet to experience.

    And then I found trail running.

    Yes, I already loved running (on tar), but running in nature, preferably on a mountain, transforms the experience. Completely.

    When I’m running on a trail, I’m fully engaged in the moment. I’m in awe of my surroundings. And I totally lose track of time.

    That’s what passion feels like.

    No rules, no effort. Just pleasure.

    I was thirty-seven when I “found” my passion. I wasn’t looking, it found me. When I was ready. When I allowed it.

    The wiser side of me realized that this formula applied to everyone. Including my daughter.

    I needed to drastically change my approach with her.

    So, I eased up on my controlling ways. It was her path to walk, after all. Whether she found her passion (or not), was none of my business. I simply backed off. It was hard.

    A year or so ago, my daughter announced that she was taking up surfing. Completely out of the blue.

    She’d never really been an avid beach goer. Or outdoorsy. It simply wasn’t her thing.

    So, not surprisingly, I was fairly skeptical. I assumed she’d been influenced by a friend, or was following a trend. This would be another hit-and-miss.

    But she wasn’t influenced. And it wasn’t a hit-and-miss.

    In fact, she loves it. Completely.

    Yup, I was wrong. Dead wrong.

    And, for once, I was pleased I was wrong.

    About six months in, we were chatting, and she announced, very excitedly, that she’d had an epiphany of sorts.

    I immediately zoned in. I love epiphanies!

    “’I’ve realized that surfing is actually exercise!” she said.

    “And yet I still love it!” she said further.

    This was big! She was thrilled!

    You see, until that moment, surfing had been simply a way to have fun. No rules. She hadn’t associated it with any of the limiting and uncomfortable feelings that automatically accompanied any form of exercise in her world.

    In fact, to put “love” and “exercise” in the same sentence was foreign for her. In every way.

    And that is the message here today.

    That when you’re passionate about anything, it’s easy. And fun. It’s something you anticipate. Feel eagerness for.

    And here’s your biggest clue.

    When you’re engaged in your passion, time, literally, has no meaning. Hours fly by, without you realizing they have.

    So, here’s the big question: how do we find our passion?

    I believe it’s easier than you think…

    Firstly, call off the search!

    When we’re searching for something that we feel is missing, our vibration is often one of lack.

    From lack, we approach opportunities with agendas, attachments, and expectations.

    And we’re so busy evaluating every experience that we forget to really engage it.

    We get caught up in our thinking.

    “Is this it? Is this my passion?”

    Relax! Don’t take it all so seriously.

    Secondly, start noticing and following your interests.

    What are you curious about? What do you find intriguing?

    What did you find fun when you were a teenager? That’s often a clue.

    Maybe playing a musical instrument? Participating in school theatre productions? Or singing? This list goes on…

    Explore those things.

    But do it for fun. Without the above agendas, or attachments.

    And thirdly, be open to new experiences.

    If we haven’t yet found our passion(s), it’s not yet in our current reality, obviously.

    Which means we need to try new things. Yay!

    So, be courageous. Be adventurous. Be curious.

    Say yes to invitations.

    Book clubs. Dinner. Hiking. Art galleries. Even dog shows!

    Just say yes.

    You can never tickle your fancy if you never grasp the feather.

    Passions really are worth finding. And indulging.

    They’re the icing on the cake. The cherry on the top!

    They add value and depth to our lives.

    We all have them.

    And we can recognize them if we simply allow ourselves to.

    What have we got to lose?

  • 10 Ways to Let Go of the Hustle and Surrender to the Flow

    10 Ways to Let Go of the Hustle and Surrender to the Flow

    “You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen.” ~Kody Keplinger

    I have always been an overachiever: straight As, the top of my class; whatever I endeavored, I aimed to be the best at it. I strived through high school, college, graduate school, and in the corporate world.

    My hard work came with awards, accolades, and the feeling of accomplishment. But it also came with burnout, exhaustion, and the feeling of never being good enough.

    Once I achieved a goal, I was happy for a minute. But my next thought would inevitably be, “There must be more to life than this.”

    Even though it didn’t feel good, I repeated this pattern of strive + achieve + repeat at every level in my life, until I had an epiphany.

    It happened a few years ago when I traveled to Bali for a yoga retreat. While exploring the small third-world island, I noticed the locals with modest homes tending their fields, or running their local shop. One thing stood out: They all seemed incredibly happy—or at the very least, content—with their lives.

    This struck me for a couple reasons. For one, they didn’t live lavish lifestyles or have big houses or fancy cars. They weren’t climbing any corporate ladder or angling for a big promotion.

    But this didn’t matter. They appeared to be present, at peace, and enjoying the simple things that life offered.

    What a stark contrast this sentiment and lifestyle was with the one I just traveled from. Despite their lack of first world luxuries, these people seemed to have something we Americans (and I) didn’t: happiness, peace, and a sense of “enough.”

    I started to question my own desire for striving, for perfection. I wondered if all my efforts were actually keeping me away from the peace and acceptance I desired most. It seemed like a vicious cycle.

    After I left Bali, I kept this idea of “maybe it’s okay not to strive” in my head. And instead of embracing my perfectionist tendencies, I started to consider another way.

    Throughout the years since my trip, I haven’t totally abandoned my high-achieving ways (though I’m still working on it). But I’m now able to see that there is a time to strive and a time to let go. A time to make things happen and a time to allow things to happen.

    And, perhaps even more importantly, I learned that you can’t necessarily strive your way to happiness. In fact, it’s often the path of surrendering, accepting, and being at peace with where you are that truly helps you tap into that sense of contentment and ease.

    So if you find yourself over-efforting, working hard, toiling without any respite, it may be time to explore the opposite path: surrender. When you surrender, you invite life to flow as it will and you roll with the current instead of fighting to swim upstream.

    When you surrender to the flow, you open yourself to possibilities instead of forcing opportunities that might not be right. You embrace and honor where you are, without worrying about where you need to be.

    When you notice yourself striving but feel like what you really desire is peace, these ten steps help you to let go of the hustle and embrace the flow.

    1. Trust yourself.

    Cultivating trust in yourself is by far one of the most grounding and stabilizing forces you can experience. Trusting yourself means that you know what’s best for you. In order to trust yourself, you must stop looking outside of yourself for guidance and start looking inside. Even as you seek advice or answers, always run it by your inner barometer to see if it truly resonates with you.

    2. Know that you already have the answer.

    Your answer might be blocked by fear and resistance. But when you find a way to put aside those fears, you can tap into what your intuition is telling you. Know that the answer already resides within you, even if it’s not clear at this moment.

    One way to get better acquainted with your intuition is to ask yourself what your gut is telling you. Over time, the more self-aware you become, the easier it will be to hear the voice of your intuition.

    3. Recognize that what you want to achieve is already within you.

    In order to have conceived a dream, you must already have created somewhere in your mind. When we desire something, we imagine it in great detail, and feel what it would be like to experience it. The simple fact that you’ve seen or imagined that vision for yourself means that the outcome is possible for you. Believing that you can—and will—bring this vision to life is the key to receiving it.

    4. Embrace the resistance.

    Resistance comes to us in the form of fear, self-doubt, procrastination, and other roadblocks. It shows up in our lives when we are at the precipice of doing something important and meaningful to us.

    When you recognize resistance as a sign that you’re about to do something big, you can learn to embrace it as the powerful messenger it is. Instead of letting it debilitate you, you can see resistance as a sign that illuminates where you must go.

    5. Trust the process.  

    The path to your desired destination may be a winding road and not a straight line. It might even have some cutbacks and hills involved. But you won’t get to where you want to go unless you’ve first learned the lessons from the present.

    Play the hand you’ve been dealt and trust that this is all part of your journey. There is something in your experience right now that is critical in helping you to become the person you need to be to move to the next level.

    6. Let it go.

    When we have a dream or a wish for ourselves, we can become very attached to it, and guard it preciously. You conceived your vision and believe in it. Now you can release it and be free from it.

    This doesn’t mean you don’t take any action, but it means you’re not holding so tightly to your vision that you worry about taking only the perfect action. Set your vision free into the universe and trust it will happen in its own time.

    7. Seek joy.

    Remember to play and enjoy the process. “Life is what happens when we’re making other plans,” John Lennon said. When you feel yourself waiting, overthinking, indulging feelings of doubt, take this as an opportunity to seek out what makes you feel good. Ask yourself what would make you happiest in any moment, and go do that. Seek activities that you fill you up. Wash, rinse, repeat.

    8. Take inspired action.

    Inspired action means action from a place of feeling pulled toward something, inspired by something, and from a place of “want.” This is directly opposed to taking action from a place of pushing, striving, or a place of “should.” Follow the pull, not the push. Don’t worry about what you or others think you “should” be doing. Explore what you feel called to, and let yourself be guided by your inspiration.

    9. Tap into your intuition along the way.

    If (when), along the way, you feel disheartened or discouraged, impatient or impotent, anxious or depressed, simply press the “PAUSE” button and take a big, long, deep cleansing breath. This is the perfect time to turn back inward and listen to your intuition: your built-in, always-available inner guide. What is your intuition telling you? What do you need to know right now?

    10. Let the universe support you.

    Sometimes it’s not a matter of making things happen, but a matter of letting things happen. Instead of mucking around in the road, get out of your own way. Sit down on the path and open up to receiving what is meant for you.

    When you stop striving and start surrendering, you will see the infinite possibilities and opportunities that exist in every moment. You’ll tune in to the frequency of the universe, and she’ll show you the way.

    Throughout our lives, there will be periods to achieve and periods to receive. Once you tap into your own self-awareness, you can recognize what pattern you’re currently in, and whether or not it’s serving you. If you’ve been striving for too long, it might be time to surrender to the flow.

    Remember that surrendering is not quitting. It’s honoring yourself where you are at this moment in time, and allowing what you want to catch up with you. It’s taking time out for yourself and reflecting on what’s important. So that once the time to strive comes back around (which it will!), you will be supported with the energy, the purpose, and the guidance you need to move forward.

  • How I Turned Fear and Anxiety into Joy and Fulfillment

    How I Turned Fear and Anxiety into Joy and Fulfillment

    “The largest part of what we call ‘personality’ is determined by how we’ve opted to defend ourselves against anxiety and sadness.” ~Alain de Botton

    I know fear and anxiety. We’re old friends. When I was fifteen, and school was over, I’d have to force one foot in front of the other. It was time to go home. I always kept going, and with every step I’d psych myself up.

    You see, once I’d gotten home, fixed my dinner, and finished my homework, my mother would come home. It was then that we would begin the nightly ritual of me talking her out of killing herself. I succeeded, but every day was a struggle.

    As I got older I became terrified of leaving my room and fixated on studying so I could go to college and leave her dramatic mood swings behind.

    I did get out. I went on to study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a highly ranked school, studied abroad in England, and even went on to get a Masters Degree in International Studies from the University of Sydney in Australia. I worked hard and climbed in my career as a humanitarian worker.

    But the problem was that the fear and anxiety followed me. The chaotic energy of my childhood was still in every cell of my body. And as a result, I attracted people very similar to my mother and I was attracted to dangerous situations, such as visiting former war zones for work.

    After seventeen years of carrying this weight around, I buckled. My work suffered and I fell apart emotionally. I felt like a pilot trying to land an out of control jumbo jet with both engines on fire.

    I just couldn’t carry the weight anymore, so I began to unload toxic relationships left and right—quite to the shock and dismay of my family and friends.

    As I felt better and cracks of clarity began to seep through, the people around me pushed back. That’s when I made probably the biggest most dramatic decision I’ve ever made.

    I sold my house in Washington, DC, worked out a part-time telecommuting position with my boss, and moved to Asheville, North Carolina. I knew that I needed space to figure out who I was and to spend some quality time dealing with my past.

    Four and a half years later, I feel like a completely different person. I believe in myself, like really believe in myself. I meditate. I have clear boundaries that I stick to, and at a cellular level, I feel at peace.

    Now, I still have work to do, but I don’t dread it. Instead, I look forward to my continued work and getting to the next level of fulfillment, and I see life as full possibilities and joy.

    During this journey people have continually asked me how I did it. They’re amazed that every time they see me, I somehow have jumped to a more fulfilled level. Well, let me tell you.

    1. I made personal development my number one priority.

    Every time I made a leap, my relationship with myself improved, my relationships with others improved, new opportunities appeared in my life, and my business became less stressful, more streamlined, and more purposeful.

    2. I embraced my emotions.

    It was messy at first. I’m not going to lie. I cried every day for two years and I still cry fairly often, but it’s over quickly and I feel much better afterward. I understand now that I had to grieve for the childhood that I never had.

    The two tools that kept me sane and helped me push through were a) a regimented and strenuous workout routine that allowed me to get my anger out in a physical way and b) Iyanla Vanzant’s online Forgiveness Workshop, which guided me through why I was angry, allowed me to get to the heart of my anger (and more importantly, my hurt), and allowed me to let go.

    3. I stopped identifying myself as a victim.

    I’ll be honest, this one still comes up for me in surprising ways. I realized that I had been taking pride in being a victim. It had become part of my identity, and it was holding me back from believing in myself.

    4. I embraced that it’s how I feel that is the most important thing in my life, not the amount of money in my bank account, the status of the people around me, or the car that I drive.

    Danielle LaPorte’s book The Desire Map was instrumental in this mind shift. After reading it, I finally understood that when I coveted material things or relationships, I wasn’t coveting them; I was coveting how I thought they would make me feel. My whole life changed when I realized that I could have positive feelings now without these things.

    I began to incorporate experiencing belonging, feeling loved, and feeling safe into my morning meditation.

    There was a lot of reaching at the beginning. These weren’t emotions that I had ever experienced in a holistic and healthy way. But I kept meditating on them, and slowly, things, programs, podcasts, and people showed up in my life that showed me what those healthy emotions did feel like. And my meditations on them became more and more real. And now I know with certainty that my life will be filled with belonging, love, and feelings of being safe for the rest of my life.

    5. I embraced affirmations and mantras.

    I began to write down affirmations and post them throughout my house. When things were at their worst, I printed out on a piece of paper in huge font the words “I love you” and taped it to my bathroom mirror.

    I still cry thinking about how lonely and unloved I felt when I looked at that piece of paper every morning. But I kept it up there and I even started to say “I love you” to myself in the mirror.

    At first I could barely look myself in the eye, but after over five years, I look myself clearly in the eye and smile every time I say it, because I mean it.

    I also started to identify how I wanted to feel so I could create mantras. I still do this. At the moment I’ve borrowed one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s favorites and adapted it. Every time I am at rest I repeat to myself “I am supported in my life and business” and everyday I feel more supported.

    6. I got a dog.

    It may sound simple to some, but getting a dog has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The obvious perks are the unconditional love, the constant shoulder to cry on, and someone who is always ecstatic to play with me.

    But the actual reason goes much deeper. Dogs’ behavior reflects the energy we put off into the world, so they’re like an instant karma meter. If we’re feeling chaotic and unsure of ourselves, they might protect us by attacking other dogs or misbehave.

    People always assume it’s the dog’s fault if he misbehaves, but the fault is almost always the human’s energy. Once I figured this out, I felt an even greater responsibility for the energy that I was putting out in the world. I now had to be calm, direct, and assertive so that my dog could have a happy life. During this process, he has helped me identify countless things to clear.

    7. I set firm boundaries.

    This one was and still is paramount to my happiness. I grew up in a family with essentially no boundaries. My parents would tell me about their love lives, their problems, and didn’t really allow me to have any material possessions that really felt like mine.

    So as an adult I had very poor boundaries. I’d let people take advantage of me and then get mad behind their backs. I’d ask inappropriate questions. The list goes on and on.

    One day my therapist mentioned boundaries in passing, so I looked on Amazon and found another life changing book, Where you End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. It rocked my world.

    I honestly had never even realized that I was allowed to set boundaries. I started setting them right away and my whole world started to shift.

    I now tell people when I don’t want to talk about a subject. I leave a party if I no longer want to be there and I only do things I want to do. As a result I am so much happier and grounded, and more importantly, I am now free to explore what it is that I really want.

    8. I understand that what people say often reflects what they think about themselves.

    This was a hard one. I grew up thinking that everyone’s emotional state and actions were my fault.

    As a result, I had a chronic need to please—and if I didn’t, I felt horribly guilty about it afterward. As I worked through my own emotional chaos, I began to understand how the energy that I brought to a situation could completely shift its outcome.

    I realized that I was creating a revolving mirror of chaos by projecting my own insecurities onto other people’s words and actions. Once I had reined in my inner chaos and could see the world with some clarity, I realized that most people do the same thing I was doing.

    In some cases I realized it didn’t even matter if I was in the room; their insecurities were the only thing that mattered in their world. Whatever I had to say wasn’t going to change anything.

    This realization was downright magical. I finally felt free. I look back and realize that so many situations that had made me feel bad had absolutely nothing to do with me. This has not only allowed me to forgive more people, but it has allowed me to more easily spot secure people who genuinely listen and gravitate toward them.

    9. I expelled negative messages from my life.

    I realized that the television shows I watched, the music that I listened to, and the furniture and objects I put in my house all impacted my subconscious.

    As a result, I stopped watching television where the main character was on the verge of dying or the world was going to end in every episode. This doesn’t mean I switched to shows with unicorns and bunnies. I’m an intelligent person who likes complex plots. But what I did was make sure that the shows I watched reflected how I wanted to feel.

    I started curating my music more carefully. If I loved the beat, but the song had negative messages about women, it got tossed. If the lyrics were about self-sabotage or unhealthy self-doubt, it got tossed. Or if I just didn’t like the beat, it also got tossed.

    What is now left is positive, affirming music that actually feels like me. I’ve even had people comment that the music I listen to feels like my artwork.

    I gave away or threw out all furniture or objects that I didn’t like or that reminded me of someone that I didn’t like. If an object made me feel guilty, it got tossed. If something was broken, it got tossed.

    I even threw away my dining room table! Every time I would drive to the Restore or Goodwill with a full car I was filled with guilt, but then when I drove away empty-handed I always felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

    I realized that I was so busy cluttering my house up with obligations and broken things that I wasn’t showcasing the things I loved and that brought me joy.

    10. I believe in myself.

    When I was trying to study abroad in England and get my Masters in Australia, I felt so sure of the outcome—in my mind there was no other outcome—and I felt so focused and purposeful. I realized this year that I had lost that drive.

    Going through my past in painstaking detail in order to heal had really taken its toll. In some ways it had dragged me into a holding pattern and I couldn’t see a life beyond it.

    Then I started to listen to the Tim Ferriss’ podcast. It’s a complex show hosted by a complex man, so you could take away any number of things. What I’ve taken away lately is that I need to start asking myself more absurd questions.

    Essentially I need to start thinking bigger. So when Tim mentioned an old 1959 book called The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz, I devoured it. It is lifting me up in ways that I never expected (and making me chuckle at its totally 1950s take on life).

    As a result of this book, I finally understand what Tony Robbins has been banging on about—successful people and businesses are successful because they truly believe they will be successful, and they’re willing to do any amount of personal growth work to get to their goal.

    They are so sure of the outcome that nothing, not even their most horrifying ghost will stop them. They’re not going to push against the ghost, they’re going to embrace the ghost, feel its pain, and move through it.

    I believe that I can. And I believe that you can too.

  • 4 Ways to Get Your Mind Off Yourself and Replace Worry with Joy

    4 Ways to Get Your Mind Off Yourself and Replace Worry with Joy

    “The only way to be truly happy is to get your mind off yourself and help somebody else.” ~Joyce Meyer

    A couple of years ago, I was dealing with two major life changes at the same time.

    The first change was that my husband and I moved from Maryland to Delaware after our son finished high school. And though the distance wasn’t far (about a three-hour drive from my parents’ house in Washington, D.C.), I had grown up in D.C. and this marked the first time I had ever moved away from that area.

    The second change was that our son was heading off to college and I would have to learn to navigate life without him being physically with me.

    I remember a time when he was in first grade and I was so busy dealing with work that I forgot to pack his lunch. When I picked him up from school, he climbed into the backseat and said, “You forgot to send my lunch today.” And while other kids who had paid for lunch got hot dogs, my son told me he didn’t get one.

    I immediately burst into tears from guilt and the thought of him being hungry all day. He said, “Mom! It’s okay. There will be other hot dogs!” And he was right. It certainly wasn’t the end of the world, but I sometimes think of that incident because it sums up how much I want to protect him from everything that could go wrong.

    In the midst of these life changes, my anxiety levels were at an all-time high. Every morning I woke up with a racing heart and an overwhelming sense of losing control. I was getting used to living in a small town, faced with making new friends, and missing our son all at the same time.

    Then one day, I heard Joyce Meyer say something that helped me put things in perspective and propelled me to take charge of my life in a way that I had never done before. The simple advice: Get your mind off yourself and start focusing on others, and see how that makes you feel.

    I was willing to try it. And sure enough, it didn’t take long before I began waking up feeling calm and refreshed.

    The heart palpitations subsided, and I embarked on a path of acceptance—acceptance that change is a natural part of life, that we raise kids to be independent and go off on their own, which meant it was okay that I had moved away from my hometown and it was also okay that my son was leaving for college.

    I also accepted the fact that I’m not supposed to be in control of everything in the universe anyway. What a relief!

    Here are four tips that worked for me.

    Tip #1: Spend time with children.

    One of the first things I did was sign up to help kids with reading and other homework at the Boys & Girls Club in our area—one afternoon a week after I finished work.

    I looked forward to it because it was energizing to see the kids make progress with their reading skills over time. Kids also are masters at living in the present moment. One minute, kids argue and the next minute they share cookies. Adults need more of that forgiving spirit.

    And the laughter—kids laugh and laugh with wild abandon. Their antics always brought me joy, and I hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time. I admired their ability to play, let loose, and have fun.

    Tip #2: Accept a new challenge.

    When a friend invited me to join her in leading the kids at church in song and dance for Vacation Bible School, I wasn’t so sure at first. Could my brain even learn the material? But I decided to take on the challenge and worked hard at learning the words, hand motions, and dance moves for five songs.

    We were charged with demonstrating the songs during the week of Vacation Bible School so that the kids could follow along. This meant lots or preparation beforehand—watching videos and practicing dance steps over and over.

    If I slid into worrying about my son or other negative thoughts, I could pull up a video, practice a song, and fill my brain with inspirational messages. And I surprised myself because I did learn. Then when Vacation Bible School rolled around, it was so inspiring to see all the kids’ excitement at learning all the songs and dance moves.

    Tip #3: Volunteer for a cause that’s close to your heart.

    One day I came across a newspaper article about a beach home in my area that serves as a place where families dealing with cancer can have a place of respite and enjoy family fun time. It’s meant to be a place of joy and peace at the beach, and it truly is.

    I think it especially caught my attention because the family that launched the beach home did so in honor of their son, who died of a brain tumor while he was in college. During his illness, he had been happy to have the beach as an escape, and his family wanted to pass on that feeling to others.

    There is a great group of volunteers who take turns greeting the families when they come to stay at the beach for a week. I was immediately drawn in to this wonderful cause and joined the effort.

    Tip #4: Join a group class.

    I have always loved ballet and took classes as a child. So when I signed up for an adult ballet class near my home, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. What I found was pure joy as I met each week in the studio with other women and danced all my worries away as we moved along to fabulous music.

    Nobody cared how high you could lift your leg. It was all about moving and having fun. There’s something about a group class that heightens your awareness of others around you. We all had the same goals and tried to stay in step with the music. We even had recitals where we performed in small groups for an audience. We all worked together so that the group could succeed. And for an added bonus, I met some of my best friends in that class.

    I’ve learned that getting my mind off myself frees me to not only pay more attention to the needs of others, but also to take action to connect with them and help them. Less time dwelling on my fears means more time practicing compassion and making a difference. I believe that’s what a positive, meaningful life is all about.

  • The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race

    The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race

    “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” ~Wayne Dyer

    One day, I was complaining about not having enough days off to escape work and treat myself to a vacation. I was feeling stressed and tired. I can recall my stepfather looking into my eyes with a deep sense of peace and compassion.

    “I hear you,” he said. “I know you work hard. Sometimes, I imagine myself jumping out of bed and going for a walk, whenever I want to.”

    His words came like thunder. It was a wake-up call to remind me how blessed I was and how much I was taking it for granted, as if nothing was ever enough. And there he was, my stepfather, trapped in a wheelchair by a severe form of multiple sclerosis, dreaming of a nice walk in nature. That day, he was my teacher.

    For too many years, I spent a lot of my precious time complaining. I thought I never had enough time, money, or love.

    Many of us get stuck in the habit of projecting our happiness into an imaginary future instead of living in the only reality that is, the present moment. We often think thoughts like:

    The day I get married, I will be happy.

    The day I can afford a bigger house, I will be happy.

    The day I make x amount of money, I will be happy.

    Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I didn’t know how to be happy. I continuously kept myself busy, always running somewhere so I could achieve more or better. Turning my happiness into a project and waiting for “the big things” to happen so I could finally feel joyful and satisfied.

    I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a rat racer. Here’s what I mean by that:

    In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar (a Harvard professor, leading researcher, and author) defines four different happiness archetypes:

    Nihilism

    Nihilists have lost their joy in life, both present and future. They find no pleasure in their work or private life and expect no future benefits or rewards. They’ve given up and resigned to their fate.

    Hedonism

    Hedonists live for the moment and give little or no thought to future consequences and plans. Because they feel unchallenged by future goals or a purpose, they are often unfulfilled.

    Rat Racing

    The rat race archetype often sacrifices current pleasures and benefits in anticipation of some future rewards. This is likely the most familiar archetype to many of us (continuously setting new goals, never pleased, always busy).

    It doesn’t mean that setting clear goals for the future is a bad practice. We all need a purpose and a clear vision. If we don’t even know what we want, how could we ever get that? The problem occurs when we attach our happiness to future outcomes without being able to see and appreciate what’s already good in our lives.

    Rat racing is all about hunting for happiness, chasing an illusion, and never feeling content. The more we achieve, the more we want: another house, another car, another job, or more money.

    Happiness 

    True happiness comes from keeping a healthy balance between the present and the future. It’s when we are capable of enjoying both the journey and the destination, focusing on today’s gifts, as well as our dreams, goals, and desires.

    “Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar

    The day I shifted my perception from stressed to blessed, everything changed. Here’s what I have learned and what worked well for me:

    1. Happiness is a verb. 

    Research has shown that happiness is 50% connected to our genes, only 10% attributed to life circumstances, and 40 perfect correlated with our thoughts and behaviors. That’s why happiness is not a noun; it’s a verb. For those of us who are mentally healthy, it’s an attitude, a continuous inside job.

    Many people are afraid to be happy, since they could lose it one day, and they let their worries ruin their joy.

    I cultivate optimism and trust the flow of life. I shift my focus from what could go wrong to what could go right. Whatever I fear, it hasn’t happened yet. I embrace my future with the genuine curiosity of a child, and I choose to believe that something wonderful is waiting around the corner—that we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly, and things happen for my highest good.

    If I see life with negativity, fearing that bad things could happen to me, my actions will likely attract the very things I’m trying to avoid. I’ve stopped letting my mind play with me and stress me with unnecessary fears, worries, and concerns about things that haven’t happen yet.

    I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, like this one:

    “Life loves me. All is well in my world, and I am safe.” ~Louise Hay

    2. I sweeten my life, every day.

    I have seen that many beautiful moments and small pleasures come at a low cost or even for free.

    If I don’t have time for my hobbies, I make it. I read a good book or watch a fun movie that brings me the joy and laughter.

    I gather with non-judgmental people who love me just the way I am. The mere act of having a good conversation over a cup of coffee charges me with a high dose of positive energy.

    I go for nice walks in the park and connect with nature.

    I play with my dog.

    I sometimes light a candle or some nice smelling incense. (Jasmine is my favorite.) It stimulates my creativity and makes me feel good.

    I’ve stopped waiting for the VIP moments of the year (like my birthday) to embellish my house with fresh flowers.

    I have created the habit of drinking water from a wine glass with a slice of lemon in it.

    I enjoy my morning coffee from a beautiful cup with a red heart on it, to remind myself that love is all around.

    I use the beautiful bed sheets and the nice towels instead of saving them for the guests, just because I’m worth it.

    “Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift; that’s why we call it present.” ~Unknown

    3. I grow dreams, not regrets.

    The need for stability and security (including on a financial level) is a basic human need. No wonder we start rat racing if we don’t have enough money! But what is “enough”? Isn’t that a subjective qualifier, based on our individual needs and expectations?

    I have met many wealthy people who were unhappy because their ego always wanted to get more or better. It’s like when we think, “Okay, I’ve got this house now, but when I can move my family into a bigger one, I will finally be happy.”

    Another reason we project happiness into the future pertains to limiting (often culturally inherited) beliefs around money that keep us stuck in a survival mode.

    Take my example: Years ago, I used to work in China. I lived in a beautiful compound in downtown Shanghai, all paid for by my company, and I was single, with no loans, debt, or financial commitments. It all looked wonderful, but deep inside, I was so unhappy!

    I knew I always wanted to travel the world and meet people from different cultures. I had enough money to afford that, and still, I was so afraid of spending! Even today I am thankful to the good friend who insisted on me following her on a trip, because that’s how I finally managed to break that wall.

    You see, I was raised in an Eastern-European middle-class family. As a child, I often saw my parents saving money for the “black days” of their pension years (the time when one would not earn a salary and could potentially “start starving.”) As a result, I followed the same behavior once I started to make my own money.

    So here’s what I’ve learned: I won’t spend my precious younger years saving everything for my retirement. Saving money is a form of self-care, and something I currently do. However, I know I won’t die with my savings account, and I won’t look back on my life with regrets once I’m older. I invest in myself and in my learning, and I spend part of my money on experiences, making sure I gather more precious memories than material things.

    “You will never regret what you do in life. You will only regret what you don’t do.” ~Wayne Dyer

    4. I do what I love and love what I do. 

    We spend the majority of our lives at work. So if we’re not happy with our jobs, we’re not happy with most of life—another reason some of us start rat racing and hoping for something different.

    Too many people live their precious lives in survival mode, like robots. Frustrated or drained on Monday mornings and looking forward to the weekends so that they can feel alive. When we’re happy with our work, there’s nothing wrong with Monday mornings.

    If you find yourself stuck in a job you don’t like, know that you always have a choice to step outside your comfort zone and work toward something new. It may not be easy to change careers, especially if you have limited education and people depending on you. But it’s possible to do something you believe in, something that brings you genuine joy and fulfillment.

    The key is to work toward that something new while also cultivating joy in your daily life so you don’t fall into the trap of waiting for the future to be happy; and also, to remind yourself that no matter what happens, even if your circumstances are never ideal, you can still be happy.

    “The most important two days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain

    5. I stay away from perfection.

    To me, being a rat racer felt exhausting. I didn’t know how to have fun and relax. I was too busy trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly. It was tiring, and it made me feel like I was never good enough or worthy of the best things life had to offer.

    Even when I transitioned into the job of my dreams, I was still unhappy. I kept thinking:

    “The day I get to make that much money a month, I will be happy.”

    “The day I know everything about this job, I will be happy.”

    You see, even people who love what they do can be rat racers, if they are struggling with the need for perfection.

    Today, I aim for progress instead of perfection, and I enjoy each step of my professional journey, celebrating every new lesson and every kind of achievement, no matter how big or small.

    “If you look for perfection, you’ll never feel content.” ~Lev Tolstoi

    6. I mind my own journey. 

    Another thing that keeps us trapped in rat racing is the behavior of comparing ourselves to others—the money we’re making, the status at work, the house we live in, and so on.

    I now know everyone is on their own journey, and each time I dedicate moments of my life comparing, I find myself in someone else’s territory, not mine. It’s like trying to live in their story and life experience instead of my own.

    I’ve come to understand that when I shift my focus and attention from other people to myself, I suddenly have more time and energy to create good things in my own life. So many people complain about not having enough time for themselves. If you want more time for yourself, mind your own business and see what happens.

    “Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

    7. I am grateful.

    In the past, I rarely said thank you or counted my blessings. Today, I practice gratitude as a morning ritual. I focus on what I have, rather than on what’s missing.

    I make sure I start every day being thankful for my health; for having a loving family, a wonderful life partner, and a great job I love; for the creativity flow that helps me write such posts and the opportunity to share my insights and experiences with the world; and for the air I breathe and the sun that caresses my face.

    If the only prayer you ever say is Thank you, that will be enough.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I see every day as a fresh start, a new opportunity for me to taste more of this juicy experience called living. Life is a precious gift and I intend to spend as much of it happy as possible.

    And now, I would like to hear from you. What is your happiness archetype? What makes you truly happy?

  • Awaken Your Creative Side: Interview with Melissa Dinwiddie and Book Giveaway

    Awaken Your Creative Side: Interview with Melissa Dinwiddie and Book Giveaway

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway are Alba and Nette Jordan.

    Like most of us, I spent much of my childhood creating, making everything from finger paintings and friendship bracelets to leaf collages and Lego castles.

    I also spent weeks rehearsing for community theater performances and hours writing poems and stories, with no thought of whether I could make money off any of it.

    I created because it was fun and fulfilling, and that alone was enough.

    Then, like many of us, I got caught up adulting and began spending far more time working and worrying than imagining and playing.

    I wanted to make things with my hands and my heart, as I formerly did, but I feared nothing I made would be good enough, that nothing would come of it, and that I would essentially be wasting my time.

    Since I’ve been reconnecting with my creative side over these past couple of years, I was thrilled when Tiny Buddha contributor Melissa Dinwiddie introduced me to her new book, The Creative Sandbox Way: Your Path to a Full Color Life.

    Part creativity coach, part journal, and part coloring book, The Creative Sandbox Way will help you overcome your internal blocks so you can reclaim the joy of creative expression.

    Through the book, you’ll learn:

    • Melissa’s ten foolproof guideposts that have helped thousands get joyfully creating
    • Five reasons why creative play is good for you, and for the world
    • How to turn creative blocks into friends

    A self-proclaimed happiness catalyst and creativity instigator, Melissa believes that we are all creative, and we can all boost our happiness by living a full-color life.

    Whether you’re just discovering your creative side or nudging it awake after many years dormant, The Creative Sandbox Way may be just what you need to ditch your fear and return to joy.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The Creative Sandbox Way:

    • Leave a comment below. You don’t have to share anything specific; “count me in” is enough. But if you feel inclined, share your favorite creative activity.
    • For an extra entry, share this interview on one of your social media pages and include the link in a second comment.

    You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, January 29th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to create this book.

    My goal in life is to get people creating, and my ultimate mission is to change the entire conversation around creative expression and play.

    We tend to think of creative play as something frivolous and self-indulgent, but not only is creative play not self-indulgent, it’s essential to humans. It’s how you change your life for the better, and, in fact, it’s how you change the world!

    The reason I’m such an evangelist for creative play is because for too many years I was convinced that I was not creative. And that belief caused so much needless suffering.

    Because the truth is, all humans are creative.

    Saying “I’m not creative” is like saying “I don’t know how to be hungry.”

    But creativity gets cut off for so many us, and that unexpressed creativity does untold damage. It turns inward, as ennui, sadness, depression, and it manifests as external behaviors like overspending, overeating, addiction, and meanness.

    Nothing good or productive comes from unexpressed creativity.

    On the other hand, what I’ve experienced in my own life, and in the lives of my readers, students, and clients, is that small daily acts of creative play start a positive cascade in our lives.

    I wrote The Creative Sandbox Way as a love letter to my younger self. It is the book that I wish I’d had at age 43, 36, 27, 19, 13, back when my tender creative spirit was getting beaten down, when I could have benefited from an older, wiser mentor to guide me past the pitfalls.

    2. Who is the book for, and what do you hope they get from it?

    The Creative Sandbox Way is for three types of people:

    • People who believe they aren’t creative, but secretly (or not so secretly) wish they were. The Creative Sandbox Way will show you that you are!
    • Stuck creatives, who desperately want to be doing their writing, painting, music, or whatever their chosen creative expression is, but just can’t seem to get themselves to do it. The Creative Sandbox Way will get you past the stuck and into flow again.
    • Burned-out creative pros, who spend all their time creating for others, so art has become “just a job.” The Creative Sandbox Way will help you rekindle and reclaim the joy that got you into a creative profession in the first place.

    I’ve been all three people, so I know the problems of all three intimately.

    3. Can you talk a little about how perfectionism can hinder our creativity?

    Perfectionism is a curse. Nothing good comes from it, because it leads to paralysis.

    Creativity requires action. Movement.

    In my pre-Creative Sandbox days, I would see a call for entries for an art show, and part of me would want desperately to create a piece to enter, but the Perfectionist Gremlin would take over and convince me that nothing I could create would ever be good enough.

    So guess what I did?

    Nothing.

    That is perfectionist paralysis.

    For too many years I labored under the belief that if I let go of my perfectionism, it would mean letting go of striving for excellence, too.

    What I’ve learned along the Creative Sandbox Way is that you can still pursue excellence, still aim for continual improvement, while allowing yourself to create what you’re capable of creating right now—which may very well be crap! We get to allow ourselves to be human in our pursuit of excellence, rather than beating ourselves up for our failure to be superhuman.

    It’s a fine distinction, and one that took me well into my forties to come to terms with. I only wish I’d gotten here sooner!

    One thing that made a huge difference for me was to remember that, although nobody wants to make crap, we need the crap to fertilize the good stuff.

    Also, just because you allow yourself to create crap doesn’t mean you will, but it does mean you’ll create!

    4. On page 46 you wrote, “In art the only real rule is ‘Whatever works is right.’” Can you elaborate a little on that?

    In every art form, you can find people espousing rules that, if you follow them with precision, will lead to a known outcome. Early on we learn from our teachers and our friends that horses aren’t blue, and which end of the paintbrush is the right one to hold, and what part of the guitar to touch, and how to get the proper sound out of it.

    I don’t have a problem with knowing any of these rules, but the question I want people to ask—and it’s a question that too often gets overlooked—is, what’s the outcome you want to achieve?

    Once you know where you’re trying to go, whatever route you choose to get there is up to you.

    There may be ten or fifty or a zillion different paths to achieve the same outcome. Someone else may choose a different route, may even label your route “wrong.”

    But this is art, not brain surgery! If it gets you where you want to go, and nobody was killed or maimed in the process, then that’s all that matters.

    5. What is it about childhood that nurtures creativity, and why do we lose our connection to creativity as adults?

    We are born zestful, curious, inherently creative creatures, with wildly active imaginations. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that gives us very mixed messages about creativity and creative expression.

    Very young children are typically given a lot of freedom when it comes to creativity, but as we get older, we’re expected to rein it in. Creative expression, we learn, is “frivolous,” “self-indulgent,” and “unimportant.”

    Confusingly, at the same time, the arts are treated as something special, reserved for the elite few—the “special, talented ones,” not everyone else.

    And while we laud our top creators—artists, actors, filmmakers, musicians, dancers—the culture is also rife with negative myths about creatives.

    Films, television shows, and books are filled with images of starving artists, mentally unstable painters, suicidal writers, flaky creatives.

    These are just a few examples of a very long list of negative associations. Although they don’t actually have anything to do with reality (artists are not all starving, painters are not all mentally unstable, nor do they have to be!), the images are so “sticky” and prevalent that people believe them. If this is what it means to be creative, it’s no wonder we lose our connection to our creativity!

    6. You wrote, “creativity often happens in uncertainty,” outside of our comfort zone. What did you mean by this?

    Actually, true creativity always happens in uncertainty.

    Jonathan Fields, author of Uncertainty, pointed this out to me. He puts it something like this: If it’s not uncertain, that means it’s been done before, and if it’s been done before, that means it’s not truly creative.

    Now, this is not to say that reproducing what’s been done before can’t be valuable, but in order to push into our most fully creative realms, we are, by definition, required to step outside of our comfort zone.

    My Creative Sandbox Way Guideposts are designed to help make it easier to do just that.

    7. How do comparisons kill creativity, and how can we avoid this trap?

    First, it’s important to acknowledge that we are creatures of comparison. Part of being human is our exquisite propensity to notice, to recognize patterns and differences. We’re not trying to change this!

    Comparison itself is not the problem. The problem comes when we allow judgment to seep in and dictate what comes next.

    In fourth grade, I remember getting a print from the Scholastic Book Club of a painting of a rabbit that was so realistic it was like a photograph. You could see every hair in its fur.

    The adults in my life told me I was a “good artist,” but when I looked at this print, I knew I could never paint like that. I felt a deep sense of despair.

    Of course, there were all sorts of assumptions going on:

    I assumed that being a good artist meant painting in a photographically realistic style, and that this was the only way to be an artist.

    I assumed that because I didn’t already know how to paint as skillfully as the artist who’d painted that rabbit, that there was no hope for me.

    In fact, of course, there are an infinite variety of ways in which to be an artist. In fact, of course, painting in a photographically realistic style (or any style) is a skill that can be learned.

    As for avoiding the Comparison Trap, I find it comes down more to learning how to spring the trap, rather than avoiding it altogether.

    Personally, I step in the Comparison Trap at least six times a day. But the simple act of noticing when the Comparison Trap Gremlin has taken over allows me to then make a mindful choice about what comes next.

    More on this in the next question!

    8. You wrote that everything that goes well in your life boils down to two elements. Can you talk a little about those elements?

    Yes! I refer to these two elements together as my Golden Formula.

    Melissa’s Golden Formula: Self-awareness + self-compassion = the key to everything good.

    Self-awareness means noticing what’s working and not working in your life. Noticing your likes and dislikes. Noticing your reactions to situations.

    It means being a scientist and a detective in your own life, getting curious, and putting yourself under the scientist’s microscope and the detective’s magnifying glass.

    Self-compassion means responding to whatever you discover with love and kindness. It means not holding superhuman expectations of perfection, but acknowledging that you are just like the other seven billion people on the planet, and that’s okay.

    Self-compassion means forgiving yourself for being human.

    As a dyed-in-the-wool perfectionist, it took me well into my forties to loosen perfectionism’s grip on me, but when I final started living my life according to my Golden Formula, holding self-awareness and self-compassion as the key to everything good, life became a lot kinder and gentler. I now call myself an intentional imperfectionist, and highly recommend imperfectionism as a practice.

    (Hint: in practice, imperfectionism is really the same thing as self-compassion, and we get to practice imperfectionism in our practice of imperfectionism, because we are going to be imperfect at it! For a deeper dive into the benefits of and research behind self-compassion, I highly recommend Dr. Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

    9. In Part Two of the book, you talk a little about the link between creativity and our emotional state. How does creativity affect our mood?

    Here’s an excerpt from The Creative Sandbox Way:

    First off, when you do your art (or if you’re still uncomfortable calling it art, call it your creative thing), it nourishes you. It fills you up, feeds you, makes you happy, and gives you joy. This alone is a radical, world-changing thing! I’m not saying you’ll achieve world peace, but you are part of the world, after all, and if you change your emotional state from negative to positive, you have, therefore, changed the world.

    Now it’s true that doing creative stuff may also frustrate you at times, maybe even a lot of the time, but something about it feeds you or you wouldn’t crave it, right? Think about it: If you’re unhappy, hungry, cranky, and resentful from never giving yourself what you need, you bring this negative energy to everything you do and everyone you interact with. You spread negativity, or victim energy, or plain old crankiness everywhere you go.

    On the other hand, when you’re happy and your soul is fed, you bring happy, well-nourished energy to everything you do and everyone you interact with. You bring more positivity and joy everywhere you go. Instead of a little rain cloud, spreading darkness and dreariness, you’re like a little sunbeam, spreading warmth and light, and that, on its own, changes the world for the better.

    This is not just fluff, either; science has proven that not only is happiness contagious, but people who live near a happy friend have a 25% higher chance of becoming happier themselves, and that increases to 34% if you simply live next door to a happy person.* Even more surprising, this “happiness effect” actually extends beyond the people we come in direct contact with. When you become happy, it reaches not just to your friends, but up to three degrees out, to friends of friends of friends.

    You may have been taught that doing your creative thing is selfish, but in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Doing your art spreads ripples of joy, and this enables you to offer up your best self to the world in everything you do.

    Doing your art is an act of generosity of spirit to others, not just to yourself.

    Even if you impact just one other person, even if all you do is make them smile, guess what? You have changed the world for the better.

    * See this Harvard Medicine article and this NPR article.

    10. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

    Only this: small daily acts build creative confidence and joy.

    Don’t wait until you have big chunks of time, or you will likely be waiting forever. Start now, start small, and start anywhere.

    And thank you so much for the opportunity to share with the Tiny Buddha community!

    Go get creating!

    You can learn more about The Creative Sandbox Way on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 3 Steps to a Happier Life: Interview with Kristi Ling and Book Giveaway

    3 Steps to a Happier Life: Interview with Kristi Ling and Book Giveaway

    Girl and a rainbow

    The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. They are:

    • Stuart Dods
    • Sheldon Dwyer

    People often tell us we have to choose to be happy, but what they don’t always tell us is how.

    How do we choose happiness when we’re dealing with life’s everyday struggles and devastating traumas and tragedies?

    How can we choose happiness when we’re grappling with persistent negative thoughts and overwhelming emotions?

    What exactly do we need to do—or not do—to overcome our challenges and demons and experience more joy in our daily lives?

    Tiny Buddha contributor Kristi Ling, a renowned happiness strategist and life coach, has created an amazing resource that answers those questions.

    In her book Operation Happiness: The 3-Step Plan to Creating a Life of Lasting Joy, Abundant Energy, and Radical Bliss, Kristi shares how she rebounded from a long-term illness, a divorce, and the sudden deaths of loved ones.

    Part memoir and part how-to guide, Operation Happiness blends personal storytelling, powerful insights, and practical tools and tips to help us live happier lives.

    I’m grateful that Kristi took the time to answer some questions about her book, and also that she’s provided two free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    Operation Happiness CoverThe Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Operation Happiness:

    • Leave a comment below. You don’t have to share anything specific; “count me in” is enough. But if you feel inclined, share something that always makes you happy.
    • For an extra entry, share this interview on one of your social media pages and include the link in a second comment.

    You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, January 15th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I’d always struggled trying to be happy until my early thirties. Then, there was a point when I became so stressed, unhappy, and unwell that I hit a wall. I knew if I didn’t do something to change, I’d stay caught in that downward spiral. So, I quit my job at that point and went on a mission to decode happiness and change my life. That mission lasted several years.

    When I finally experienced a huge positive shift after discovering that happiness is actually a skill we can learn to do, rather than just something we feel, I knew that idea needed to be shared far and wide.

    Happiness really wasn’t being talked about in this way. So, that turned into blogging, coaching, and public speaking. Things kept expanding to the point where I knew it needed to be a book, which lead to writing Operation Happiness.

    2. In your book, you wrote that happiness is a skill—something that can be learned, improved upon, and even mastered. Do you believe anyone can master this skill, even those struggling with depression and anxiety?

    Absolutely. Just as those who are suffering from depression and anxiety can learn to play a musical instrument if they dedicate themselves, they can also learn and become better at the skill of happiness through a series of new habits, mindset shifts, and practice.

    I suffered from depression and anxiety on and off all through my twenties and early thirites. I tried everything from medical treatment to yoga retreats. Some of it helped temporarily, but nothing offered the sustainable sense of happiness and wellbeing I was seeking.

    A drastic, determined, permanent change to the way I approach, view, and do life on a daily basis is what finally created the change.

    3. Why do you think depression and anxiety have been on the rise in recent years?

    Truthfully, I think in part it has to do with social media and electronic overwhelm. We’re vulnerable to more negativity, comparison, and fear energy than ever before. Not to mention hundreds of emails a week, texts, and voicemails claiming our attention and focus.

    It’s all robbing our minds of the chance to have open space. I talk quite a bit in the book about how to reduce that and turn social media and media in general into a more positive experience. Having a practice such as meditation to allow your mind time to rest and clear is more important than ever.

    I also believe the economy has been a factor these past few years. There are real struggles going on for many people. I’ve found being willing to take on some positive new habits and simple supportive shifts can be truly helpful, even in the middle of a storm.

    Happiness is always there for us, it just takes extra effort to tap into it during the tough times. Nobody wants to say that sometimes we actually have to fight for happiness, but it’s true. And, it’s worth fighting for.

    4. In your TEDx Talk, you share the story of how an illness helped you to finally find the answers you were looking for when it came to the keys for creating lasting, sustainable happiness. What was it that you discovered?

    There were two key things that created a massive shift in my happiness. One, as I mentioned, is that happiness is a skill.

    Aristotle said, “Happiness is a state of activity.” That is so true! I get a little irked when I hear the saying, “Happiness is a choice,” because I think it sends the wrong message to people who feel like they’re choosing happiness but it’s still not happening. It’s not a choice, it only begins with one—the rest involves taking action.

    The second key is the power we have to change the neuropathways in our brain to re-wire ourselves for more happiness, positivity, and self-love.

    Through focusing on and practicing these things for an extended period of time, we can literally train our minds to work that way naturally. This is called neuroplasticity, and it’s a surprisingly simple, incredible process that anyone can do.

    5. Some people make happiness look easy. Do you think some people are just naturally happy? Is it possible to become naturally happy?

    I do think some people are naturally happy, but it has much to do with lifestyle and outlook. People who are naturally optimistic are generally happier. People who meditate and exercise regularly are naturally happier.

    The good news is that by creating deliberate, positive shifts in our lives and forming habits that support happiness, we can become naturally happier.

    That’s not to say we’ll all be happy 24/7, because then we’d be robots. Even the happiest people experience sad days and occasional hard times, but the way they think about them is a bit different. They’ve developed skills to bounce back in healthy ways.

    6. Can you talk a little about the link between mindfulness and happiness?

    There is such a strong connection here. Mindfulness is about being present in the moment and paying attention to life. Noticing all that’s around us, and choosing a lens of love. Happiness is much the same.

    I truly believe that becoming more mindful is one of the most important bricks in the foundation of a happy life. There are studies that show that the quality of our consciousness and ability to be present in the moment are directly linked to the levels of happiness we feel.

    We also have the ability to choose our thoughts deliberately, and this is also part of mindfulness. Choosing positive thoughts can produce great results both physically and emotionally.

    7. You’ve experienced some major transitions in your life over the past few years, including a divorce. What do you think is the most important thing to remember when it comes to finding light during the dark times?

    That our happiness is always there for us, even under layers of darkness.

    A while back while going through a hard time, I received a fortune in a fortune cookie that said, “The cloud will rain success upon you.” This is so powerful if you think about it; because it’s not saying when the cloud is gone you’ll feel good again. It’s literally saying it will rain success upon you—while you’re under it!

    It’s about being willing to see, seek, and receive goodness when it’s still raining, even when it feels impossible. Willingness to open our hearts to love and joy when we are at our lowest points can be so supportive. It can create miraculous shifts, really. I write about this quite a bit in Operation Happiness.

    8. I think a lot of us assume if we’re feeling unhappy it means we’re doing something wrong—or that we need to change something, and fast. Do you think it’s possible to be happy all the time?

    Nobody but a cartoon character is happy all the time, and I’d even question that. I still have difficult times and even sad-for-no-reason days now and then. But, there are subtle differences for me now.

    For example, I used to feel depressed on days where I was feeling reflective. Now I feel peaceful and even joyful, because I understand the need for reflection and how important it is to examine life in order to grow. So, I embrace and honor it.

    It is true that sometimes sadness is there to tell us something important. Ignoring something that needs to be changed can sometimes bring sadness, as well as anxiety, and so can neglecting our self-care.

    I’ve learned to pay close attention to sadness when it appears. I’ve found that simply allowing myself to feel that way sometimes for short periods, rather than trying to fight it, allows it to serve its purpose and to pass. If it doesn’t pass fairly quickly, I remember what Aristotle said about happiness being an activity, and I start to take action.

    9. What would you say are the top three habits that compromise our happiness?

    This is a great question. One is looking for external things to bring happiness without first doing the work within. Yes, external things can sometimes contribute to happiness, but it’s only temporary unless we’re at peace and emotionally fit within, so this is where to focus.

    I’d say another is overlooking gratitude for what is. Gratitude is a huge source of joy, and when we’re too focused on the next accomplishment or thing, we lose out on the happiness we can feel in this moment by simply feeling grateful for what we already have. It’s very powerful.

    Finally, I’d say to take a look at your eating habits. Crappy food doesn’t just lead to feeling crappy physically, but emotionally as well.

    What we eat is directly linked to our happiness. Foods have the power to affect our brain chemistry as well as physical energy. I think this is so important that I included an entire chapter on it in my book. When we learn which foods help boost happiness and make us feel better across the board, it makes a huge difference. And, it becomes so much easier to say no to the junk.

    10. If someone is looking to be happier in his or her life, where is the first place to begin creating change?

    I think we’ve covered quite a bit here, but I’d say the best place to begin is with your mornings. The way we experience our mornings is the way we will experience life. So, focusing on those first couple hours of the day and making them positive and healthy will support you in feeling great for the rest of the day.

    Also, just focusing on those first couple of hours seems so doable, right? I love the simplicity in this concept. For me, changing my mornings truly did change my life. And, it’s something anyone can do.

    You can learn more about Operation Happiness and grab a copy on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • 12 Powerful Gratitude Practices That Will Make You a Lot Happier

    12 Powerful Gratitude Practices That Will Make You a Lot Happier

    “Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” ~A. A. Milne

    Gratitude didn’t always come naturally to me. If there had been a championship for complaining, for a long time, I would have been a serious contender.

    For years I felt entitled to everything, including the kindness of others. This didn’t make me very happy, since it was always easy to find something or someone to complain about. The more critical I grew, the less appealing life seemed and the worse I got on with others.

    The weather seemed awful, supermarket queues too slow, bosses too unappreciative, children too rowdy and messy, winters too cold, summers too hot, health too unsatisfactory, work too stressful, prices too high, quality too low, TV too boring, politicians too self-serving, traffic too slow, drivers too inconsiderate, and so on.

    If I had continued living like that, I might have ended up complaining that water was too wet and the sky too blue.

    Fortunately, I came across countless research studies about gratitude. How it reduced anxiety, depression, emotional exhaustion, and even suicidal thoughts, while boosting happiness and satisfaction with life. How it lowered blood pressure, boosted immunity, and encouraged healthy habits while improving sleep.

    Research even suggested that gratitude improved the quality of romance and marriage! Now that seemed like an irresistible offer.

    I started collecting practical tips for living in a more grateful way, and started trying them out. Warning: these ways of practicing gratitude could seriously damage your unhappiness!

    1. Tell your partner exactly how a recent episode made you love them even more.

    Be very specific and detailed. For example, “I love that you thought about what I would really like for our anniversary, and that you made all the bookings because you know it takes me ages to pick a hotel.”

    It doesn’t have to be in connection with an annual event, such as an anniversary. It could be something as small as the way they hug you to cheer you up when they see that you’ve had a hard day. But tell them exactly what it is you loved about that, and why.

    This detailed expression of gratitude signals your responsiveness to your partner. It tends to make them more responsive too. Romance thrives on mutual responsiveness.

    2. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, imagine the disappearance of your partner.

    This is counter-intuitive, but it makes you more grateful for all that is good in the relationship. People who suddenly lost their partner often tell of how relatively insignificant their petty disagreements now seem. They often say they would give anything to have their loved one back.

    If I even think about trying this, it immediately makes me way more grateful for my partner. It makes me realize how lucky I am.

    3. Look beyond a gift.

    Think consciously about the trouble that somebody took to bring something good into your life, often at some inconvenience and cost to themselves.

    We enjoy watching Grand Slam tennis tournaments on TV. We thought that we might one day get to watch a tournament in person, but tickets for the main courts sell out rapidly. Then our son surprised us with tickets for prime seats at a Grand Slam event.

    It was totally unexpected. We were so touched that he went to all the trouble and expense. The tennis and setting were magnificent, and the awareness of his love even better.

    4. Relish each good moment more consciously.

    Have you noticed, really consciously noticed, the many patterns that bubbles make in a warm bath? Or the bizarre shapes of white clouds in a blue sky? Or the quirky way that an eggshell starts to crack when you strike it? Or the comforting feel of your pillow when you go to bed after a long, hard day?

    Wonderful little delights await us, moment by moment. But we need to notice them consciously. Then gratitude starts flowing through each moment of life.

    I fill a pan with water every morning, to boil some eggs. I love watching the bubbles in the water as they dance for me. It helps to set the tone for my day.

    5. Shout for joy when something really good happens to you.

    I used to be an expert in misery.

    Did I gain admission to medical school? Keep it quiet, I don’t do happiness.

    Was I graduating and did my parents want to celebrate? Don’t bother coming, Mum and Dad, it’s just another day.

    What was I thinking? If I could go back and shake myself hard, I would.

    “Shout for joy!” I would urge my younger self. “Get up, put on your favorite song, jump around and dance like a wild child!”

    Whatever you celebrate becomes more real to your mind. And you become more grateful for it.

    6. Fast forward.

    When we got married, the photographer made us pose endlessly. We were relieved when it was over. In our relief, we leaned in for a kiss.

    The experienced photographer immediately clicked it.

    I remember thinking, “That photo’s going to make us so happy when we’re old.”

    That peek into the future made me feel even luckier in the moment.

    Use every opportunity to create memories that will delight you for years. You’ll feel grateful in the moment, and grateful again that you can look forward to good memories.

    7. Tell someone else when you’re particularly taken by something.

    We get to see some spectacular sunsets in the summer. I just have to go to our picture window and look out over rooftops. It’s as if a great artist has splashed colors across the sky.

    “Wow!” I’ll call out, spontaneously. “Come and look at this! Isn’t it stunning?”

    Sharing the appreciation with someone else makes you more grateful.

    8. Introduce a guest to your favorite places, people, music, food etc.

    There’s a reason why you love some things so much. Somebody else might not yet appreciate those delights. In opening their eyes, you open your own eyes again and become more grateful.

    I love it when visitors stay with us, partly because I get to show them around some favorite spots. There’s one place where a man-made canal crosses high over a river with an old mill, and green hillsides with sheep climb steeply skyward. I could spend hours there, just soaking it all in.

    Sometimes my guests will even notice details that I missed. Their delight multiplies my own.

    9. Build a bank of gratitude.

    Life won’t necessarily go your way forever. If adversity strikes, it can be difficult to recall a time when you were grateful.

    Build a bank of gratitude by storing notes, pictures, and other documents about what you were thankful for.

    Mine includes lots of pictures of sunsets, family, travels, and nature, and notes regarding some kindness shown to me, little improvements in my health and fitness, and things I achieved. I even store some notes about difficult times that made me wiser and stronger, and about unhelpful people whose behavior inadvertently helped me in some way.

    If you like to write on paper, you can choose a beautiful notebook and write in it each day. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a few things you’re grateful for. If you get stuck, you can express thanks for being spared some undesirable things (life in a war zone, for example, or a disabling illness.)

    If you prefer to write on pieces of paper, you could collect these papers in a big gratitude jar. It will delight you more than a jar of sweets delights a little child.

    If life ever gets on top of you and your mind is filled with complaints, you can visit your bank of gratitude to regain a sense of perspective. Gratitude and joy need never be too far away.

    10. Invite someone to be your gratitude buddy.

    If your partner is a naturally grateful person, you don’t have to look far. You can encourage and coach one another in living more gratefully.

    Even then, you might like to invite a trusted confidante to join you in the conscious practice of gratitude. You can make a pact to practice one or more of these tips at least once a day, and encourage each other when you slip. Sharing your practice in this way helps to make gratitude a habit and a new way of living.

    I’m fortunate to have a naturally grateful partner, but I do enjoy sharing my gratitude practices with others. Then I have to live up to what I proclaim.

    11. Be aware of how gratitude feels in your body.

    When you regularly practice gratitude, you start to feel a kind of joy in your body. It’s like a homecoming, as if you’re relaxing into a warm bath after shivering outside in the freezing winter of complaints.

    Be conscious of how your limbs, your hands, your feet, your neck, your body, your face and your gut feel when you’re expressing gratitude. Take a couple of minutes to meditate on the sensations. Enjoy the glow of gratitude and add it to your list of things you’re grateful for.

    12. Widen your net of gratitude to include more people.

    Did you have a favorite teacher? What was it you loved about them? What effect did they have on your life?

    One of my big regrets in life is that my first music teacher died before I could properly thank him. He taught me a wonderful approach to musical composition. I use what he taught me almost every day, and music-making brings me so much joy in life.

    Think of all the people who contributed to your life. Thank them, one by one. Write to them, phone them, email them, visit them, do anything that works, but be sure to thank them.

    Be as detailed and as specific as you can. Show them how much you understand their good intentions and effort. Let them know exactly what their contribution means in your life.

    That will make them glow. And it will make you glow.

    Express gratitude to people at every opportunity. It strengthens the bonds of goodwill and connection on which we humans thrive. It allows us to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and to attempt good and important things as we join others in working for meaningful causes.

    Of course, gratitude is not always appropriate. Sometimes there are very good reasons for dissatisfaction and complaint, such as in abusive relationships. Even there, a habitually grateful person can sometimes more easily find solutions because they are more warmly connected to people who can help out.

    I like these simple practices because they’re relatively easy to do, yet they bring huge benefits. They’ve opened the door to a much more joyful way of living for me. I now experience much warmer relationships with my loved ones and others.

    We know from neuroscience that what we do habitually can change even our brains. I used to be a champion complainer. Now I’m steadily improving at practicing gratitude.

    If these practices work for me, a complainer by instinct, then they can work for anyone.

    I’d love to hear what gratitude practices you’ve found useful. Let’s add to the list of practices and spread the joy. Thanks for the privilege of writing for you.

  • Choose to Shine: Your Smile Is More Powerful Than You Think

    Choose to Shine: Your Smile Is More Powerful Than You Think

    Beautiful black girl with her chalked drawing

    “Shine like the whole Universe is yours.” ~Rumi

    I had a revolutionary experience at a grocery store. Yes, a grocery store. I’ll never forget that day.

    I believe that some of the most mundane and unimportant places I’ve visited have been the bedrock of my spiritual growth.

    There is so much to witness at a store: people frantically trying to load up for the weekend, elderly in their motorized carts, people in line glued to their smart phones, and then of course the workers that 90% of the time seem achingly miserable and sad.

    It was like any other day as I stepped foot into my local store to pick up up a few essentials.

    I was walking in with the intention of getting some food for the week and ended up walking out with so much more.

    Once inside, I saw a man standing at the front of the store with the biggest smile on his face. It was as bright as the sun. It was the kind of joy that you could easily tell was radiating from within.

    I did what I habitually do: looked him in the eye, smiled, and called him by his name. As I grabbed my cart and glanced back up, I stopped dead in my tracks.

    I had a huge rush of awareness: No one was noticing this man. Not a single person in my ten-minute stare down paid attention to him. No one.

    He waved, with a big ole grin, to every single soul that entered the store. You see, his job was to acknowledge every person that walked through the front door. He was the “greeter” at a local store, and the best darn one I’ve ever seen.

    This immediately fueled anger inside of me. It was as if he was invisible.

    Why was no one seeing this man? Why didn’t they wave back—say hi, and enjoy his presence?

    Why? Why? Why?

    I wanted to stand right up there with him, get in people’s faces, and make them see us. But instead, I took a breath and allowed myself to get calm and centered before I did anything.

    I decided to shift my attention to the entrance to actually see who was walking inside.

    First, I noticed a businessman that kept glancing at his watch; it looked like he was in a real hurry. Who knows—he may have been late picking up donuts for his next meeting (that he was running).

    Next, I observed a mother who had a cart full of kids that were kicking and screaming. She was rummaging through her purse; I bet it was hard to find that grocery list while managing to keep “all arms and legs inside of a moving vehicle.”

    She may have even been a single mom, and her only option was to take them with her (hardest job in the world—I watched my mom raise five).

    I then witnessed a couple who seemed to have been so in love that even if the greeter was standing there with a sign that had their names in bright red, they still wouldn’t have seen.

    They encapsulated my attention all together. I just love seeing love, and my heart skips a beat seeing others that love each other so much, they live in worlds of their own. Smiling into one another’s eyes, how could they possibly have noticed him?

    Soon after I stopped watching, I turned my attention back to the greeter. He was an unbelievable man.

    It didn’t matter who walked through the door, or what baggage they were bringing with them—he treated each of them the same. He was so awake to life, so kind and conscious to the real meaning of love (little did he know).

    His arms were open, ready to pour into anyone, no matter who they were. Even though he was being ignored.

    I learned an incredible lesson that day, or lessons, I should say. And I’ll never forget these simply yet mighty realizations that are now imparted into my everyday life.

    On days when I find myself judging others, and when my patience is awfully low, I think of this man. On days when I feel unappreciated and unnoticed, I think of him too.

    I remember that he gave of himself, without any expectation of return. I remember how his smiled wasn’t dependent on if others smiled back.

    I think of how his joy radiated from the inside out and how others, including me, were still affected by his actions, even if it didn’t seem so.

    So that “greeter” is perhaps the embodiment of truth. This is what life is about: giving others the benefit of the doubt, because you make mistakes too. Understanding other people’s suffering instead of judging them, because you have suffered also.

    I would encourage you to wake up to the world around you and realize that people are simply doing the best that they can. They really are.

    Next time you feel the temptation to judge others for what you can only see on the outside, try seeing it from another angle.

    Attempt to contemplate what they may be going through or the suffering you may not be able to see on the surface. Pass a silent blessing onto them and try to see yourself in them.

    This will happen to you. You will show love and get nothing in return. You will smile and not get one back. You might even be completely ignored. You’ll open your heart and people will pass you by.

    At the end of the day, it’s not about how others receive you or what adversity you may face; it’s about one thing and one thing only: choosing to shine your light anyway.

    I truly believe that the Universe can be ours, if we can see things from the whole and complete oneness. In a world that seems to be full of hate, rage, and anger, we must never forget that we are all in this together.

  • You Don’t Have to be Shaken Up to Wake Up

    You Don’t Have to be Shaken Up to Wake Up

    “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ~Andy Warhol

    I’m in my late thirties now, but I remember getting my first car like it was yesterday.

    Even though I would have loved a shiny new car, my dad had suggested I go for a reliable junk box instead. Since I had been known to take out a few mailboxes and was somewhat of a menace on the road, I begrudgingly agreed.

    Dad had a friend who worked on cars, and I proudly purchased my first clunker for $1000.

    The catalyst for wanting my own set of wheels was the dreaded bus ride to my job. Day after day, I would stand at that overcrowded city bus stop in the cold, waiting for the bus to arrive like it was the second coming of Christ.

    Unfortunately, when it did come, the 7,000 other commuters and I would pile in like a pack of sardines. Was that handsome guy putting the moves on me, or were we just packed in too close? I guess I’ll never know.

    The only upside to the overcrowded bus was that the body heat kept us all warm.

    I’d stand there, hanging on for dear life, praying that a nice old lady or a woman with a baby carriage didn’t need to board. Don’t get me wrong—I love the elderly, and babies too, but those were the kind of situations that would delay my already late behind!

    When I’d finally arrive at my destination, I’d file out with all the other happy campers, smooth my wrinkled skirt, and be on my way.

    During that time, the commute was just the start to what I already knew would be horrible day. Not that anything bad or dramatic would happen at work; it was just the simple fact that I just didn’t want to be there. Just like I didn’t want to be on that crowded bus.

    My office job certainly paid the bills, but it came with a hefty price. I was unhappy, like really unhappy. 

    Sitting in my less than comfy chair, typing away on my keyboard, my body was there, but my spirit was somewhere else. It was like a daily out of body experience and I spent years living that way.

    Eventually the unhappiness got to be too much, and I was more than willing to make the sacrifices I needed to make in order to escape. Translation: I left my very comfortable paying job, moved back in with my parents, and took a job at a local animal shelter.

    And you know what? I was broke, but more importantly, I was happy.

    Instead of having to endure those previous out of body experiences, I was now fully present. I loved that I had traded in my desk and computer for pooper scoopers and leashes.

    My days now consisted of walking dogs and making sure that the cats in my care felt comfortable and safe. I didn’t have all the answers on what direction my life was heading in. But the wagging tails and licks on my face confirmed that I was on the right track.

    Making the move from my spirit-draining job gave me time to contemplate what I wanted to do with my life. Eventually, I went on to open my own pet sitting business and it became a great success! In fact, I made much more money than I did at my office job.

    When I look back now, I wonder why it took me so long to make a move. Why is it that when we find ourselves feeling unfulfilled, we just accept that this is just the way things are?

    Why is it that we get so stuck in such a rut that we become zombie-like and don’t question things or contemplate a different way of living? A different way of making a living?

    Unfortunately, it usually takes something negative to happen in our lives for us to look for a different solution.

    Sometimes it comes in the form of a layoff from our job, the death of a loved one, (life is short, what the heck am I doing?), or a scary health diagnosis. Things like these tend to shake us up and wake us up.

    The good news is that you don’t need your beloved Uncle Harry to die or your boss to fire you before you can make a change. I’m living proof of that. If you don’t like the way your life is going, decide to change it. Simple as that.

    Sure, it might take some initial sacrifices, but just like my days riding the bus, those are only temporary.

    You don’t need to know all the steps you need to take just yet; you just need to give yourself permission to contemplate something different. Ask yourself, what are the things that bring me joy?

    That was my first step. I simply thought about what made me happy. The answer wasn’t too hard to find—it came in the form of my cat sitting on my lap. Purr

    Once we declare that we want something better for ourselves, we get help in the ways we need. Ways we might not even see coming. The Universe is funny that way.

    Looking back, I realize how fortunate I was to be able to move back in with my parents during that time. Not everyone has that option, but your path to change doesn’t have to look like mine. In fact, it should be uniquely your own.

    Most times it’s the little, everyday choices we make that end up having the greatest impact over time.

    Maybe it starts with just taking a class or trying a new hobby. Or maybe your path to change involves letting something go—a bad habit, negative self-talk or the pressure to please others.

    It’s these small choices and actions that end up leaving us a trail of breadcrumbs to follow. One action, one decision at a time will eventually get you to where you need to go. And the best part is that you don’t need your life to be shaken up before that can happen.

    Take it from me, you don’t need the 7.0 earthquake to hit before you decide to head to safety. When you first feel the ground shake, that’s the time to make your move.

  • Learn to Reduce Stress: Mindfulness eCourse by Thich Nhat Hanh

    Learn to Reduce Stress: Mindfulness eCourse by Thich Nhat Hanh

    Meditating

    Stress can be overwhelming, and sometimes crippling.

    Not only does stress suck the joy out of our days and keep us awake at night, it can also take a toll on our bodies.

    Headaches, chest pain, digestive problems, hair loss—they’re all potential consequences of stress, not to mention serious conditions like heart disease and diabetes.

    Then, of course, there are mental consequences. We feel anxious, restless, and irritable, and often scared and discouraged. Like there’s too much to do and we don’t have enough time or skills to do it.

    Everything feels urgent, like life is a series of catastrophes to sidestep and fires to put out. It’s an exhausting way to live.

    At least, it was for me.

    And I knew I was creating a lot of problems for myself—that my stress stemmed not from my circumstances but rather how I chose to respond to them. Life felt like a ticking time bomb, but I was both the bomb squad and the madman holding the detonator.

    To cope with this chronic tension, we often turn to quick fixes that actually create more problems than solutions. We shove it down with food, or spew it out with angry outbursts, or numb it with drugs and alcohol.

    But it’s still there, bubbling below the surface, just waiting to erupt.

    Life is always going to involve situations that we find stressful. We’ll lose jobs, loved ones, and eventually, our health. People will cross our boundaries, push our buttons, and leave us high and dry when we need them.

    There will never be a time when life feels simple or easy.

    We can choose to live in constant fight-or-flight mode, as if life is a string of crises; we can turn to Band-Aid behaviors to temporarily dull the pain; or we can take responsibility for learning a better way.

    What is that better way? Mindfulness.

    Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and our surrounding environment.

    When we’re practicing mindfulness, we’re rooted in the present moment—not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

    As a result, we’re able to reduce our own suffering and bring more joy and compassion to both ourselves and others.

    To say that mindfulness has changed my life would be a massive understatement.

    There was a time when I felt powerless to my overactive mind, and worse, I had no idea I was causing myself pain. I thought my response to adversity was the only possible one. I thought I had to be outraged, depressed, and anxious.

    I still feel those feelings at times, but I now know how to observe them, learn from them, and release them so that they don’t consume me.

    You can do the same, and I know just the course to get you started.

    A while back, I connected with someone at Udemy, a site that currently serves over 11 million students through more than 40,000 online courses.

    They introduced me to a number of courses that might interest Tiny Buddha readers, including one entitled Mindfulness Practice for Joy & Compassion by Thich Nhat Hanh

    This master Buddhist monk teaches students how to release suffering and heal the body through mindfulness techniques like walking meditation and breathing meditation.

    Thích Nhất Hạnh is a Zen master, scholar, poet, and peace activist. He’s written over sixty books and was nominated for the 1967 Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr.

    Hahn’s course will help you learn to:

    • Embrace suffering and move through it
    • Ease anxiety and relieve tension about the future
    • Use suffering to generate love and compassion
    • Avoid sickness with mindful consumption

    You will walk away from this course knowing how to meditate, reflect, transform, and make a positive impact on your environment.

    As you may have gathered through reading the site, I am highly selective with what I choose to promote here. I pride myself on only sharing products, books, and courses I would personally recommend, and this program certainly fits that criteria.

    All you need for this course is a computer or mobile device with an Internet connection. You don’t need any prior knowledge of Buddhism or meditation.

    And as a bonus, Udemy has offered a 30% discount for Tiny Buddha readers, bringing the cost from $50 down to $35 (from now until July 1st).

    If you’re tired of feeling mentally exhausted, Thich Nhat Hanh’s course may be just what you need to find peace. You can learn more about Mindfulness Practice for Joy & Compassion by Thich Nhat Hanh here.

    Continue your quest for knowledge with Udemy. Udemy offers thousands of courses on all kinds of topics, from business to writing to software engineering. 

    Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means I earn a percentage of all sales. Posts like these help support the site and keep it going.

  • The Technology of Joy: Tools for Happiness (Interview & Book Giveaway)

    The Technology of Joy: Tools for Happiness (Interview & Book Giveaway)

    Woman with cell phone

    Update – The winners for this giveaway are:

    • D. Arturo Gutierrez
    • Preston Cox
    • Kathleen Han

    If you’re anything like me, you may think that technology can be both a blessing and a curse.

    Sometimes I lament that we now live in a world where tiny screens often hinder real-world engagement, and social media can create pressure to entertain an audience our peers by sensationalizing our everyday lives.

    But then I remember that technology is just a tool, and its affects depend on how we use it. Sure, technology can create distance and exacerbate the struggle to be authentic, but it can also do the opposite if we use our gadgets to create deeper, more meaningful connections.

    In much the same way, technology can increase feelings of isolation and depression, or it can contribute to our overall well-being. It all depends on our intention and our choices.

    Since I am always interested in discovering new tools to increase my joy and foster inner peace, I was excited to learn about psychotherapist Jonathan Robinson’s new book The Technology of Joy: The 101 Best Apps, Gadgets, Tools and Supplements for Feeling More Delight in Your Life.

    His book covers a variety of methods to boost your joy, including:

    • Gadgets that can enhance pleasure, deepen relationships, and help you feel gratitude
    • Specific apps that have been shown to make people happier and create more loving relationships
    • Supplements that can induce euphoria, elation, and feelings of connection and peacefulness

    You’ll learn what these tools can do for you, and how and where to get these happiness hacks. In addition, you’ll discover how to know which of these tools are most likely to be the best ones for you.

    I’m grateful that Jonathan took the time to answer some questions about his work and his book, and that he’s provided three free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The technology of joyTHE GIVEAWAY

    To enter to win one of three free copies of The Technology of Joy:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Technology of Joy http://bit.ly/1qYeSk8

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, April 25th.

    THE INTERVIEW

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I’ve been a psychotherapist for thirty years, as well as someone who has been interested in such things as meditation, hypnosis, and the use of various drugs.   Since I like to feel joy and ecstasy, I’ve always been on the lookout for any simple technique or tool that can safely help me to feel fantastic.

    Over time, I have collected a lot of gadgets, tools, and supplements that can do that. In fact, my friends often come to my house to “get high”—without needing to ingest drugs—by making use of my various tools.

    They eventually wanted to know where to get all these things, so in my book I laid out the best of what I’ve learned and used over the years.

    2. A lot of your work focuses on finding peace and happiness. Why do you think so many of us struggle with depression these days?

    We used to spend more time with nature, or with a caring family or spiritual community. Yet nowadays those things are hard to find. We live in a stressful culture, and yet we are not taught how to let go of the ongoing stress we are subject to.

    Now more than ever it’s important for people to find happiness and peace within themselves. To do this takes practice and the right equipment—just like learning to cook or play tennis. Most people have not invested in learning good practices or finding the right equipment (technologies) for overcoming depression and/or being happy.

    3. You’re a proponent of treating depression without antidepressants. I find that people often get quite upset by the suggestion that they can heal without medication. Why do you think this is such a hot button issue, and do you believe anyone can treat depression through alternative means?

    Studies at Harvard show that antidepressants are no better than placebos for 93% of the people taking them. For the other 7%, I believe (and research shows) that antidepressants can be very helpful.

    The reason I think this is a hot button issue is that people want to blame their depression on a “brain imbalance,” and thereby abdicate that there is anything they can do to help alleviate it. Yet, the research shows that there are many things people can do that are more helpful than taking antidepressants for overcoming depression.

    If people want more information about that, I have a whole website dedicated to it at: www.FromSad2Glad.com

    4. How did you come across the 101 methods you shared in your book?

    I have long had a fascination with methods that are quick, easy, and powerful. For thirty years it has been a “hobby” of mine to research and try out anything that I thought might help myself or others feel more joy and peace.

    Most things out there don’t work very well, but every now and then I would come across a supplement, app, or gadget that really worked extremely well. Such tools have made my life a lot richer, more peaceful, and joyous.

    5. Which of the methods have you found most personally helpful, and why?

    I’ve noticed that different things work for different people, but personally I have really enjoyed certain cognitive enhancing supplements such as Sulbutiamine and CDP Choline—especially when taken together.

    I also love something called “the Tingler,” a neuro-stimulator called “the Thync,” and about a dozen high tech audio soundscapes that I name in the book that help induce feelings of peace, joy, and even ecstasy. If you try enough things out, you soon find things that fit what you really want, and are convenient enough that you really use them.

    6. What did you learn from your interview with the Dalai Lama about these technologies?

    The Dalai Lama was extremely interested in these technologies. In fact, he said, “If it was possible to become free of negative emotions by a riskless implementation of an electrode without impairing intelligence and the critical mind—I would be the first patient.”

    He has long supported research into the brain in order to help facilitate what could be called the “engineering of enlightenment.” I believe that someday soon, we will all be able to more easily reach higher states of consciousness with the aid of various technologies. They have certainly helped me.

    7. You mentioned a bunch of joy-boosting apps. Which were your favorites, and why?

    There are a lot of them out there. I list over thirty of them in my book. Yet the ones I find myself using the most are ones called Happier, Buddhify, Headspace, and Gratitude Journal.

    Many of these have simple and quick guided meditations that make me feel really good, or have ways to help me tap into feelings of gratitude. I also like one called Couple that helps to deepen one’s primary relationship.

    8. You talk about a magical mantra that leads to gratitude. Can you share what that mantra is?

    Many years ago, I went to India to visit a guru who supposedly had a “magical mantra” for feeling gratitude. When I finally got a chance to talk to this guru, he said, “Whenever possible, repeat the following words: the mantra I give you are the words ‘thank you.’”

    Hearing that, I was very disappointed. I looked at him and said, “That’s it?” He responded, “No, ‘that’s it’ is the mantra you have been using, and that mantra makes you feel like you never have enough. My mantra is ‘thank you,’ not ‘that’s it.’ ‘That’s it’ will take you nowhere!”

    Well, to make a long story short, although I was disappointed with this so-called “magical mantra,” since I had journeyed so far to get it, I started to use it.

    Many times a day I’d say “thank you”—from my heart—for life’s many blessings. I’d say “thank you” to God or the Universe for a hot shower, a good meal, a hug from my wife, a greeting from my dog—whatever. Soon, I noticed I was feeling a lot more gratitude in my life. His “mantra” really worked!

    9. What do you think the future of “hacking happiness” will look like?

    Slowly but surely scientists will figure out even better ways to help us let go of stress, negative emotions, and suffering. In addition, new tools and supplements will be developed that help people to tap into the “kingdom of heaven within.”

    Fortunately, that “future” is already here—but most people don’t know about the great tools and supplements that already exist. In the future, these tools and supplements will become more popular, more convenient, and even less expensive.

    10. What is the most important thing you want people to take from your book?

    I want people to get that in order to feel more joy, love, or gratitude in life, there are many tools, gadgets, and supplements that can really help. By investing a little time and money in learning what works for you, your life can become a lot richer and more enjoyable.

    You can learn more about The Technology of Joy on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Woman with cell phone image via Shutterstock

  • How to Deal When You’re Overwhelmed: 5 Ways to Turn Stress into Joy

    How to Deal When You’re Overwhelmed: 5 Ways to Turn Stress into Joy

    Stress

    “When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” ~Dalai Lama

    You’re overwhelmed and stressed by all the things that need to be done. All your best-laid plans for becoming a better version of yourself are feeling very tenuous at the moment.

    You still want to be healthier, more present in your relationships, and able to appreciate and express gratitude for all the things you have instead of worrying about the things you don’t. But, you are strongly considering putting off the work it takes to create those things in your life until things slow down.

    If you do that, you will be missing an opportunity to bulletproof your changes and make the joy that will come along with them inevitable.

    My wife recently had our second child. It has been great, and in a lot of ways easier than when we had our first. However, there is no doubt that between having a newborn in the house and an energetic toddler running around, overwhelmed is an accurate description of my life.

    At first I felt that at any moment the stress would be too much and I would say something I didn’t mean, use a tone I shouldn’t, or forget that showing patience and love to my family is the most important thing to me.

    But then I realized, each moment is practice for all the moments that will follow. And, if I maintain my composure, continue to show up for my loved ones, and be a positive example for my oldest kiddo, then this time of overwhelm can be a time of incredible growth.

    As life normalizes, and things are more predictable, it will be easier to be the person I want to be because I will have done it in much more difficult circumstances. It is just like training for anything else. If you train in harder conditions than you expect to compete in, once the competition gets there, it feels like a breeze.

    I haven’t been 100% all of the time, but I am definitely building a resilience that will make sticking to my habits and values that much easier going forward.

    Here are the five ways you can turn overwhelm into a practice and guarantee your future will be full the joy living an intentional life brings.

    1. Take mental breaks.

    If you are in the middle of a stressful situation, it can be very difficult to see the big picture of what you want for your life and act in accordance with it. You are just trying to triage your way out of the moment because it seems like survival is the best you can hope for.

    But despite what it feels like at the time, you can do much better with the situation than just surviving it. You can turn it to your advantage.

    To do that, when you feel blinded to your big picture by a desperate need to just survive the moment you are in, take a beat. Literally, take fifteen seconds, two deep breathes, then ask yourself what your next action would be if you were going to act in line with the vision you have for yourself in the future. Then do that.

    The other day, as I was corralling my three-year old son to go to school so I could make an appointment, disaster struck. A stick that he was saving (because certain sticks are a treasure to him at the moment) got chomped by our dog.

    My son lost it. It was very much like the worst thing in the entire world just happened.

    Between my dog chopping a stick to bits in the house, my three-year old howling uncontrollably with tears streaming down his face, our new baby joining in because all the noise woke her up, I was very much ready to follow my son’s lead and lose it.

    Then I stopped and took a beat.

    Instead of escalating the situation, yelling at the dog, and dragging my wailing three-year old out the front door, I hugged him and waited.

    Eventually he calmed down. I asked him if he wanted to go see if there was a new stick outside on the way to the car to go to school. He said yes. We gathered our things, he found a suitable replacement, and the day went on.

    Those few seconds allowed me to see that the most important thing in that moment was taking the opportunity to help my son learn to get control back over his emotions, and to let him know that I will be there for him when they are a little out of control.

    Just putting a little bit of room between my reaction and the stressful situation gave me a chance to reflect.

    Try it next time you are feeling overwhelmed and like you are just reacting. It will make a world of difference in how you react to stress.

    2. Smile.

    You know how it is when you get stressed; it seems like the world piles on. Yet another thing comes up that you have to deal with on top of everything else you already had on your list.

    You weren’t sure you were going to get everything done as it was. Now you can’t even imagine how it is possible that you could finish.

    And there’s no way you are going to be able to workout, or meditate, or journal, or whatever other good habit you are trying to start for yourself.

    Smile.

    Just smile.

    Know that time will pass, you will do as much as you can with it, and you can either have a furrowed brow and be short with everyone around you as you go, or you can smile and pleasantly do as much as you can.

    You will get whatever you can get done either way. But the chances that you do whatever you do in a way that aligns with who you want to be go way up if you are smiling while you are doing it.

    3. Remember this will pass.

    Life is going to continue. Things will change. Things always change. You are overwhelmed now. You won’t be at some point. Then you will be again. That’s just how it works.

    View the time you feel overwhelmed as just a season of life. Not something you’ve been cursed to experience in perpetuity.

    Whatever is causing it will pass.

    It may sound trite. But try it. It is amazing how much easier it is to deal with stressful situations while sticking to your habits and your values when you don’t view it as something that you will always have to deal with, but instead as just a period you have to get through.

    4. When In doubt, don’t.

    When you are overwhelmed, you are very likely to make a bad decision, to act in a way you regret, and generally derail a lot of the good stuff you have going.

    So, when you are really stressed, don’t follow your gut. That’s right, your gut is probably leading you astray.

    When you know you are overwhelmed, be on the lookout for those quick, off-the-cuff reactions. If it makes sense in the moment to eat the whole bag of potato chips (your gut literally leading you astray) or fire off a heated rebuke in an email, you probably need to tell your gut to take a break. So when you feel yourself wanting to react like that, stop.

    I was driving my son to school recently (not the same day that the Great-Stick-Chomping Incident occurred), and the car in front of me kept slowing down, then speeding up, then slowing down, then swerving, and at one point just stopped in the middle of the road.

    We were late, I had somewhere I needed to be after dropping my son off, and, as I mentioned, life in general is a tad more stressful these days than normal.

    So when that car stopped, my gut very strongly told me to lay on the horn, roll down my window, and string together quite a few explicit terms. This guy was being completely disrespectful to everyone else on the road, and was the direct cause of me being even later than I already was.

    But, instead of following my gut, I gave a short honk to let him know there was someone behind him and said nothing. He looked up in his rear view, waved apologetically, and scooted on, driving like a reasonable person.

    If I had followed my gut, I would have not only chastised what seemed like a nice person who just didn’t know where he was going, but I would also have modeled for my son that when you are annoyed, you should lash out to deal with it, which is obviously not something I want him to learn from me.

    So when you are in a place that you know makes your gut more likely to lead you astray, be very intentional about whether you listen to it. Take a second to consider if what it is telling you aligns with how you want to behave and portray yourself. If it does, great, but if not, ignore it and do nothing.

    5. Practice, practice, practice.

    If you believe in the habits you are trying to create or the values you are trying to exhibit with your life, then you can override the reflex to let stress derail you by reminding yourself that now is the time to practice being the version of yourself you want to become.

    While it will never be something you seek out, when you view stress and overwhelm this way, they become the vehicle to ensure your long-term success.

    You will turn negative situations into positive ones and, as a result, you will be far more likely to come out the other end stronger and better for it.

    No one wants to be overwhelmed or stressed out. But that doesn’t change the fact that all of us will be at some point.

    We can plod through those times only to come through them needing to re-establish the good habits and way of life we had started before the challenging time came, or we can cement the person we want to be during those times.

    You can use the five techniques above to choose the latter, and guarantee that you will be the joyous person you want to be, no matter what season of life you are in.

    Reducing stress image via Shutterstock