Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How to Get Out of Your Own Way and Let Your Life Shine

    How to Get Out of Your Own Way and Let Your Life Shine

    Shining Heart

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of Shiraz

    I have been on a quest to be happy for as long as I can remember.

    I thought I had looked everywhere. I tried relationships, work, adventure travels, and a life filled with friends and activity, but still I felt anxious. I was disenchanted with life. Years of therapy attempting to work out my problems didn’t give me the sense of peace I somehow thought was possible.

    I knew there had to be more, and I am delighted to tell you that I found it when I learned to get out of the way.

    The Power of Habits

    Without my realizing it, I had been caught up in habitual ways of thinking and feeling that dominated my everyday life. My mind went on endlessly with judgments, expectations, worries, resentments, and stories about what should and shouldn’t happen.

    And I had overlooked the feelings of fear and uneasiness that were running beneath the surface almost nonstop.

    Life was happening, but with a constant inner commentary about how things weren’t quite right. No wonder I wasn’t happy.

    Fast forward to now, and things are very different. No more useless worrying, regret, or getting caught in mental stories about other people or myself. Even my body has relaxed without that lurking agitation. Everything is so open, so fresh!

    And here’s what I discovered.

    Finding Freedom

    Getting out of the way means becoming very familiar with your inner world. You discover what you do that makes you suffer so you can choose peace instead.

    Amazingly, you realize that you can press pause in any moment and step back from the momentum of old, recycled habits.

    When you do, you see what is actually happening: the pain of being stuck in an old resentment that has been dragging you down, the constricting effect of believing your thoughts, and the chaos that comes from letting your feelings rule.

    With your eyes wide open, you are primed to live in ways that are intelligent, affirming, and aligned with your deepest desires. Finally, clarity arrives.

    Getting out of the way looks like this:

    Ask yourself, “In this moment, what do I really want to feel?”

    The answer connects you with your true intention to be happy, peaceful, and clear. Already, you are halfway to being free.

    Notice the thoughts and feelings that grab your attention.

    See how you get in the way of happiness. Do you live in a belief that you are inadequate? Do you tell yourself you are a victim of your past? Do you define yourself by sadness or fear? This is why you suffer.

    Befriend your experience by noting what is present, but know that it doesn’t have to control you.

    Just for now, don’t hold onto your stressful stories. Let your feelings be without acting on them. This is the most loving way you can be with yourself.

    Experience the space that remains when you are no longer hooked by thoughts and feelings.

    Even if only for a moment, you’ve discovered what it’s like to get out of the way. Here you are—whole and relaxed, ripe to enjoy yourself, to make wise decisions that come from love, not fear and limitation. You see that life can be so beautifully simple. You touch into the living possibility of happiness for you.

    There is no need to change your thoughts or get rid of any emotions to get out of the way. Just become aware of your inner experience. Realize how defining yourself by it constrains you.

    Notice that you can make the choice to live fully now, beyond any self-imposed boundaries, with a clear mind and open heart.

    It is the effortless, practical way to happiness available in each moment.

    How to Do It: An Example

    Let’s take worry as an example. I used to worry about everything; I was full of “what if’s”—what if my plans didn’t pan out, what if I made the wrong decision, what if I didn’t fit in, what if I couldn’t cope. It was endless.

    I remember worrying years ago about whether or not I should attend a work-related social function. By that time, I knew that I could actually get out of the way, so I stopped and felt a moment of gratitude—this was my golden opportunity for freedom. I tapped into what I really wanted, which was to be peaceful, present, and clear.

    Rather than being consumed by worry, I chose to be curious instead.

    I noticed that my attention was completely taken up by negative projections about what might happen in the future. What if I don’t know anyone? What if I feel uneasy there? What if it’s a waste of time?

    My mind was flooded with these anxious thoughts. And when I stepped back to observe them, I saw that they squashed my enthusiasm, closed me down to opportunities, and inhibited me from going outside my comfort zone (which wasn’t so comfortable, anyway).

    Bringing attention to my feelings, I realized I was locked up in fear, with tension everywhere in my body. It was a light bulb moment when I saw how powerful these feelings were, even though they hadn’t been conscious to me before.

    As I noticed these anxious thoughts and feelings, I took a breath. I shifted my attention away from them and returned to simply being present and aware. There was an immediate sense of relief.

    No longer feeding worrying thoughts, the tension subsided, and I found the clarity to make a sane, calm decision about whether or not to go. I saw that the unfolding of life right now was just fine. It was amazing to realize that worry was optional.

    It took some time, but as I became more aware whenever worry started to grip, I began to see the opening of possibility. Instead of needing to figure everything out, I could relax and trust. Instead of being limited by fear, there was space for wonder, creativity, appreciation, and ease of living.

    I was shocked to realize how profoundly this pattern of worry had infiltrated my life.

    At first, only a tiny crack in the tsunami of worry appeared, but eventually, the whole thing collapsed. It just didn’t make sense anymore.

    Things didn’t change overnight, but with care and diligence to worrying—and every other confused habit—it became obvious that they were not serving happiness. Suffering was the tap on the shoulder that brought me back to peace.

    When I saw that the habits were in my way, my interest in them waned until it disappeared entirely. Why? I am happy without them.

    Finally Fully Living

    When you get out of the way, you stop resisting life. The focus shifts from what you don’t have to what is here and available. No longer doubting everything, you receive what life offers you.

    And rather than living in the mind-created past or future, you are available to the simplicity of this now moment.

    Unclouded by mental noise, you become crystal clear about what to do next. You tell the truth about what is and isn’t working. And you take practical steps to begin truly living.

    As I became aware of habits that were hijacking my happiness, I discovered why my relationships weren’t lasting and began making different choices. I realized how fear had been keeping me from living fully. I began seeing everything through the eyes of love.

    Really, it’s true. When you get out of the way, your life will shine…endlessly.

    Photo here

  • Finding a Path When You Feel Like Two Different People

    Finding a Path When You Feel Like Two Different People

    Yin Yang

    “By accepting yourself and being fully what you are, your presence can make others happy.” ~Jane Roberts

    When I was a little girl, I played a lot of imaginary games and spent a lot of time on my own. I wasn’t particularly popular. I was a complete goodie-two-shoes.

    I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. When people asked me, sometimes I said a vet, sometimes an interior designer, sometimes just to work for my parents who have a fruit importing business. Truth is, I had no idea.

    Why do people think a child would know? Sure, you can know things you like doing, but know what you want to do for a living? That’s a tall order for many adults to answer definitively.

    So, I grew up. I finished school. I got my bachelors degree. I joined the family business. I did everything that was expected of me.

    Here’s the thing about doing what’s expected of you: having those expectations means you don’t really get to figure out what you want to do.

    I started doing yoga in university and during that time started to explore a more spiritual side of myself that I’d not really touched on before. I realized I loved helping people and being in nature. I loved the peace I felt at the end of my yoga classes and I loved listening to people’s problems. Turns out I was pretty good at asking the sort of questions which got them answers too.

    But none of that mattered, because I had a ‘proper’ job. I left the family business and moved to London with my boyfriend at the time to develop my career. I was fast-tracked up the ladder and got to senior management within eighteen months. Everyone was so proud of me. I was proud of me. I’d worked my butt off and I was great at my job.

    The only thing: I felt like I was being torn in two.

    The person I was at work was completely different to my online persona and the one I was at home—the one who counseled people and had studied part time for her diplomas in yoga, hypnotherapy, and counseling.

    At work I was professional and logical, with an eye for detail and seeing the bigger picture. I made tough decisions and managed teams of people with grace and business acumen. (Way to blow your own trumpet, hey?!)

    At home and in my ‘other’ life I was a caring, nurturing, slightly under-confident hippy who loved helping people, standing on my head, and laughing with friends.

    For quite a few years I tried to hide my hippy-self from work and my corporate-self from home and yoga and therapy self, but ultimately, I always felt like I was half a person. I was never quite being myself. Whatever ‘myself’ was.

    There were various times when I thought I had to do one or the other; when I had decided I was going to leave the corporate world and be hippy-me full time, but that never really materialized.

    Funnily enough, the idea of giving up yoga and therapy and concentrating fully on my corporate persona was never an option. I guess I’m more hippy than corporate and, ultimately, I needed hippy instinct to survive the corporate world.

    Why am I telling you about my dalliances with trying to separate my two personas? Because there has to be a balance. For whatever reason, the universe was not ready for me to let my corporate life go.

    A few weeks ago, fresh off the plane from an Ayurvedic and yoga retreat in India and spending time with my family in rural Wales, I eventually summoned the courage to tell my director I wanted to leave. I had to follow my heart, I told her. I want to be closer to my family, I told her. I’m a country girl at heart, I told her.

    Then, she told me something. She said, “People think you can’t have the best of both worlds, but you can.”

    Then she offered me the option of working part time. It was something I’d never really looked at seriously. I hadn’t even considered that I could meld my two personalities and it would be enough for either.

    I’d always felt torn, feeling one was fake and one was real. I never even considered the possibility that my two sides could compliment and help each other; that they could make each other whole.

    I don’t know how my dual roles will work—now I am working part time in a corporate job and part time as a therapist—but I do know that, instead of fighting with myself, I have learned to accept both sides of myself.

    It’s not a terrible thing that I am logical and professional and can work well in a pressurized environment. It doesn’t mean I’ve sold out of my hippy roots. Nor is it a bad thing I believe in energy healing and the power of meditation.

    All sides of my personality are valid. They make me who I am. They will always influence the other parts of me. I am whole. Denying one part would be to lose a part of myself.

    So if you feel like you’ve got two different personas fighting for attention, with one invariably being left in the dark, perhaps try to shift your perspective from them being opposing to complementary. There may be cross-overs you haven’t noticed before which might make things seem a little less black and white or all or nothing.

    Photo by _UNPLUGGED_

  • Accepting Yourself as an Introvert and Loving Your Inner Tortoise

    Accepting Yourself as an Introvert and Loving Your Inner Tortoise

    tortoise

    “We can’t underestimate the value of silence. We need to create ourselves, need to spend time alone. If you don’t, you risk not knowing yourself and not realizing your dreams.” ~Jewel

    Tortoises are out of fashion. They are no longer the wise ones, taking one patient step after another, coming out victorious in the end. Today, they are the ones who can’t cross the road fast enough, the ones most likely to get hit by a car.

    There is shame involved in being a tortoise.

    And so I have spent a considerable chunk of my life trying to turn into an extroverted hare, coming up with rationalizations for why I am not, most definitely not, an introverted tortoise.

    For one, I don’t move slowly. In fact, I love to dance. I am quick in perceiving and understanding what people say and mean. I am not slow-witted.

    But these explanations don’t quite cover what it means to be a tortoise—how their rhythms are slow and deep, how they enjoy taking in the scenery instead of rushing past, how they need the shell that protects their most vulnerable, precious self.

    As introverts, it’s easy for us to get alienated from our own nature because of the extrovert bias in the culture at large. So, how do we reconnect with and start celebrating ourselves? It starts with self-awareness and living our own truths.

    The Way We Manage Energy

    As opposed to extroverts who turn to other people to recharge and renew themselves, too much interaction saps our energy. Introverts turn inward and need quiet spaces to recharge. This is why we turn to nature, to prayer, to solitary hobbies.

    We already know this from our own experience. What we often struggle with is the validity of this preference for time alone. I’ve wrestled with this too, thinking that there is something wrong with me if I am not excited about going to a party or socializing at the end of a hectic day.

    It’s only recently that I’ve begun to let go of this internal dialogue. By going deeper into my own creativity—writing more, doing photography—I’ve realized that what I am actually lonely for is a connection with myself. When I’m taking a photograph, for example, I feel present and whole.

    Engaging in activities that make us happy helps us focus on all that is right with us, instead of wondering whether we are faulty.

    As introverts, we need to start giving ourselves permission to go deeper into our own nature. If building legos, reading books, or watching birds gives us joy, that’s what we should be doing instead of going along with what other people think is fun.

    It might be fun for them, but is it fun for us?

    Another thing that I’ve learned is that although I need time alone, not all interactions affect my energy in the same way. While many social interactions leave me feeling depleted, there are some that have the opposite effect.  In her wonderful book, The Introvert’s Way, Sophia Dembling discusses this with Cognitive scientist Jennifer Grimes.

    Grimes says that the real issue is not how much energy we put in a situation, but whether we get an adequate return on this energy investment.

    She says, “There are people who like to invest a lot of energy and get a lot back. Some people don’t want to invest a lot and don’t expect a lot back. The people who are deemed the extroverts in pop literature, the people who are social butterflies, what they get back on an interpersonal level is sufficient for them.”

    As introverts, we need to be aware of this. While small talk is draining for us, meaningful conversations are energizing. They require us to expend energy, but they also give us energy back.

    Haven’t we all talked for hours about something we are passionate about, and been at a loss about what to say when we are talking politely with an acquaintance?

    The Rhythms of Social Conversation

    As an introvert, social conversations can be a challenge for me. I didn’t realize earlier that one of the reasons for this is the difference in the rhythms of how introverts and extroverts communicate.

    When we are asked a question, introverts usually pause to think about it before replying. We need this space to formulate our answers. This is different from extroverts, who formulate their answers while talking.

    Because of this difference, when we are silent, extroverts can perceive this as meaning that we have nothing to say and rush in with their own thoughts. And while they are talking, we can’t think. This dynamic renders introverts mute.

    For me, understanding this has been extremely important. Instead of getting frustrated that I didn’t get a chance to speak, I’ve started responding differently. By showing the other person that I am still thinking by providing visual cues (like furrowing my brows), I hold my ground better in a conversation.

    I’ve also started letting myself interrupt the other person. And in the case of those people who are extreme talkers, I’ve understood that it’s okay to disengage and simply walk away. By doing these things, I’ve created more space and freedom in my interactions.

    While understanding this basic difference between extroverts and introverts is important, we also need to be aware of the mistakes we can inadvertently make in social situations. One of these is being too quiet in a new group setting. Introverts don’t realize that it is the silent person in the group who gains more and more power as the conversation goes on.

    Elaine Aron talks about this dynamic in her wonderful book The Highly Sensitive Person. She says that if we remain silent in a new group, other people can be left wondering if we are judging them, unhappy about being part of the group, or even thinking of leaving the group. As a defence mechanism, the group might reject us before we have a chance to reject them.

    So, in a new group, it becomes extremely important for introverts to communicate what they are thinking, even if it is just to say that we are happy to listen and will speak up when we have something to say.

    The Focus on all That’s Right with Us

    As introverts, most of us have heard messages about all the things that are wrong with us. We are too intense, too solitary, not fun enough.

    What’s wrong with thinking deeply? What’s wrong with solitude? What’s wrong with enjoying one-on-one conversations instead of a big party? And fun according to whom?

    Once we give ourselves permission to ask these questions, we can also start seeing our own strengths more clearly. What the culture considers an aberration is what makes the best part of us.

    Thinking deeply gives us new insights. It helps us see new relationships between things. The solitude we love is also the springboard for our creativity. It gives us the chance to imagine and re-imagine our world.

    Aren’t these all amazing things?

    As introverts, connecting with our essence is what will help us actualize our talents. Not acting like an extrovert. I am sure it’s great to be a hare, but not if you are a tortoise.

    Photo by Lee Ruk

  • 3 Powerful Benefits of Accepting Yourself and Your Differences

    3 Powerful Benefits of Accepting Yourself and Your Differences

    Differences

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker

    Our common culture is one that values acceptance from the group over self-acceptance. We base our self-worth on how we measure up against who society tells us to be, and our culture views those who are different as being anomalies that could bring the group down.

    And yet deep in our hearts (and in the books that tell our collective history) we know that individuals who go against the grain are the ones that help society progress.

    When my father died in front of me, my ability to go to college and progress into the next phase of life (adulthood) passed away with him. We didn’t have the funds to send me to University, as I was now considered a non-resident and would have to pay more than the average Brit.

    But that was the furthest thing from my mind, as the pain of losing the only person on earth who understood me and embraced my radical nature had just died abruptly in front of my nineteen-year-old self.

    Months turned into years. I moved to the states and began living with my brother, who is also an artist. He tried to encourage me to continue my studies in some form or another, but at that time I was still paralyzed by sadness and confusion. I was basically unemployable and I knew this all too well, which furthered my feelings of inadequacy.

    Eventually, I came to accept the two things I was struggling with.

    In my soul I knew that Dad had been sick for years, treating himself poorly with toxic substances that eventually killed him. And I also knew that despite being different and perhaps undervalued in how I fit into the world, I had a purpose.

    Slowly but surely, I began to embrace the fact that I was a third culture kid and writer. That was that. There was no changing the fact that I act like an absent minded professor (books strewn around the house and nothing in its place) and have a panic attack if I merely think about waking up at 7AM to go to a job.

    I’m not skinny and will never be. And I have no interest in ever embracing that view of how a woman should be. In fact, I quite like curves and have accepted that a woman can have them and be healthy at the same time.

    My inability to complete the I.B. program (equivalent to senior year in high school) or enroll in college is a thing of the past. I am a devoted life long learner, bibliophile, and polymath, and I happen to like self-education more than being stuck in a classroom.

    If potential employers had an issue with my lack of diploma then they were obviously not the right fit for working with me.

    I found and married my soul mate and we became parents to a little angel with curly hair and a voracious appetite for travel and adventure. Several years after her birth I finally embraced what my father had pursued himself: the role of entrepreneur.

    My passion for travel, food, and culture mingled with my love of the written word and photography.

    Living a dream-driven life is not easy in many respects. It requires courage and devotion, with a lot of trial and error. The most important thing for someone who wants to devote their life to their passions is to accept themselves just as they are, right here and now. 

    Whether or not you improve your supposed flaws in the future is no matter.

    Whether or not you get a new degree or network with the right people is of no matter either if you can’t first allow yourself to be who you are. That may sound simplistic, but it’s actually complex if you look at just how narrow the path we have been told to take really is.

    That road is one of subservience to an idea or meme that may, in fact, not be healthy or even based in logic.

    Empowerment occurs when we accept ourselves.

    This doesn’t denote we become egotistical or self-absorbed. Rather, we have now accepted that our path differs from that of others, and there is no need for us to judge ourselves according to the world’s standards. When there is acceptance of who we are, right here and now, we find peace.

    Freedom occurs when we accept ourselves.

    No matter one’s disabilities, dissatisfactions, or disturbances, we must accept ourselves in order live a passionate life. How can we accept others if we cannot accept ourselves?

    No one can attain happiness if they are hung up on what is lacking; we must transcend the need to compare ourselves to others and let go of our apparent flaws and shortcomings. This frees us from self-imposed judgment and the need to fit into society’s standard of what we should look like, be, act, and do.

    Happiness occurs when we accept ourselves.

    We tend to judge our potential for having an enjoyable life on how much stuff we accrue or social statuses we have gained. Again, this is an illusion and denotes a lack of self-love, as all of the things we truly need to have a passionate life are inside of us, perhaps yet to be discovered.

    Happiness can never be purchased and others can never designate it to us. It comes from within.

    Sometimes I still get hung up on what I lack and what I could have done with my life had I made better decisions or hadn’t had such a traumatic event happen in my teens. But this feeling quickly subsides when I recognize it for what it’s worth (comparison to social memes) and count the blessings for all that I have within me and around me, no matter how small.

    Photo by George Goodnight

  • What to Do When It Seems Like Your World Is Falling Apart

    What to Do When It Seems Like Your World Is Falling Apart

    Reflecting

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    The moment I gave thanks to the universe for placing me in the Philippines and giving me the courage to pursue a happy life of simplicity and love…

    That very moment, riding on the back of a motorcycle, the wind rustling my hair and cooling me down from the sweaty heat that envelops the Philippines, a truck smashed into my left leg and shattered my knee.

    Choosing to leave for the Peace Corps program in the Philippines was the toughest decision I have ever made. It was a choice between my boyfriend and the dream I had worked so hard for.

    When he refused to entertain the idea that we could try a long-distance relationship, I was torn. I couldn’t believe it; our relationship was actually coming to an end.

    My boyfriend and I had insisted that we were soul mates and made plans for our future together. Yet, our plans revolved mostly around his carefree lifestyle.

    His ultimate goal was to live on the beach and surf all day. Meanwhile, I silently craved to work in international development. We tried to figure out how my life goals could be molded to integrate with his. I ached for his approval and support, but ultimately he gave me neither.

    He felt I was leaving him behind and questioned why I was doing this. Questioning my decision to pursue the Peace Corps demonstrates that he did not understand me, which is partly due to the fact that I rarely shared my life goals with him.

    He seemed disinterested in my priorities, successes, passions, and interests not because he was a jerk, but because he didn’t comprehend them. Thus, I stopped sharing.

    I felt he did not appreciate my ambitious nature, and maybe this is because he had no ambitions himself. And while lacking drive and ambitions is totally okay for some, it isn‘t for me. Our relationship allowed me to discover that.

    I served in the Philippines for four months before the accident happened. Despite the myriad distractions and assignments I was given, I was still heartbroken and had a difficult time getting over my ex as I adjusted to this new life and culture.

    After the motorcycle accident, I seriously believed that the stars had aligned and the universe was trying to send me home to get back with my ex.

    Being hooked up to the countless IVs and ingesting painkillers every couple of hours certainly exacerbated my vulnerability. The truth was that I hadn’t stopped loving him; not a day passed that I didn’t think about him.

    I underwent two knee surgeries while in the Philippines and was sent home to recover and re-learn how to walk with my left leg. I arrived in the U.S. exactly two weeks before the massive Typhoon Haiyan ravaged the province where I was stationed. I was so blessed to be home recovering, and it was becoming painfully clear that the stars had aligned for reasons other than my ex.

    In fact, I slowly began to see this accident as a huge blessing.

    First of all, I was alive and had not lost any limbs or my ability to think. Second of all, I had evaded the worst typhoon in the history of natural disasters. Third of all, the freak accident was clearly a red STOP sign that was going to force me to take care of myself and my needs before attempting to care for others, whether it was a boyfriend or the Filipino schoolchildren who I was teaching English to.

    During the last two years before I joined the Peace Corps, I was robotically clocking in and out of my life. Before the Peace Corps, my daily routine consisted of traipsing from an exhausting codependent relationship that destroyed my confidence to an unfulfilling but stable (read: unchallenging and boring) office job.

    I realized that I had rarely taken any time to myself. I had failed to stop and ask myself, “How am I feeling? Why am I crying so much? Why do I feel so drained after hanging out with my boyfriend? Do I really want to serve in the Peace Corps or is it an attempt to escape from my problems?”

    Coming home to recover from my injury forced me to reflect on what I had just accomplished in the Philippines. It was a moment to offer gratitude to the world for giving me a source of internal happiness and the desire to chase after some more of it. Working alongside a new community in the Philippines and executing literacy projects gave me such a rush! I was happy.

    Happiness feels good, and so does sticking to my guns and leaving my ex-boyfriend in the past. We spoke briefly when I returned to the U.S., but our conversations left me feeling bored and kind of sad. I recognized that I had to let him go if I wanted to start moving forward.

    It took courage for me to leave an unfulfilling relationship and pursue my goal to teach English for the Peace Corps.

    While I lost out on my first love, I gained wisdom from the cultural exchange of ideas and values with the welcoming, humble, and resilient Filipinos who welcomed me into their homes. I also gained a heightened sense of self-awareness by immersing myself in this new culture.

    More often than not, we fail to discern why our lives are falling apart in front of our very eyes. Instead of taking a moment to ourselves to listen and maybe even concede to our rational inner voice, we push forward in complacency.

    Complacency feels nice, as it’s comfortable. Its soft texture wraps us up in a daily routine of predictability; we feel safe. It’s no surprise that we avoid change, as it brings discomfort and even pain. How could pain possibly bring us happiness?

    We tend to silence our rational thoughts in favor of the loud, emotional ones that remind us just how painful pain can be.

    Yet, these boisterous emotions admonishing us to continue living in a comfortable rut are actually scared thoughts that bark as they try to mask their fear.

    Look beyond that noisy barking, and try to listen to your fearless inner voice. It may be quiet but it’s there, and it is asking you to sit still and listen to it every once in a while.

    That night of the accident, as I was sitting on the back of the motorcycle, with my hair flowing to the tune of the wind, I felt so at peace. That quiet ride through the province allowed me to hear my usually inaudible inner voice.

    When I heard it, I listened and it shared with me something I had not heard in years. “You are so happy in this moment. Look at the life you are living and enjoy it,” it told me.

    As I gave a million thanks to the universe that night, it gave me the gift of a new chapter in my life. My gift was the chance to return home to pursue my career via a different route, only that now I was equipped with more confidence, happiness, and peace with my decisions.

    While challenging ourselves in current relationships, friendships, and careers is definitely a scary feat, it is also a rewarding one that pushes us to grow into mentally stronger individuals.

    Listen to your inner voice and see just how far you will go when you take a chance on yourself.

    Photo by Patrick G

  • How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    I finally learned I wasn’t Superman.

    It was a hard concept for me to grasp. You see, I was always the good child. The one that did everything without complaint or supervision. I was the one who didn’t need help in school, who knew how to plan, who did the chores without having to be asked twice.

    As I grew older this idea that I was “the good child/person” grew. My grades had to be perfect. My work had to be perfect. I had to interact perfectly with everyone I met.

    Needless to say, this drive to perfection caused me a lot of stress. Stress to the point that I was literally pulling my hair out. I know you see that on cartoons and things, but it happened to me for real.

    I didn’t even know I was doing it until one day I looked in the mirror after my shower and saw a bald spot. I had combed over it for so long without even consciously realizing it was there.

    I knew I had to do something after that. I had to change something. I wanted to just give up. After all, if I couldn’t be prefect, then what was the point of it all?

    I cycled into depression, but even this depression did not lessen my drive to be perfect. I made it look like I was doing fine. I went to work every day, did my home things, and even interacted on a superficial level with those around me.

    After a while of this hollow existence, I started to become angry. Why did no one see I was hurting? Why was there no reaction to this change?

    I slowly ground to a screeching, sputtering stop as circumstances in my life piled up: the death of a family member, the illness of another, my car getting totaled, my job on the edge.

    Boom, boom, boom. One right after another.

    Nothing was perfect now, and I could not see any way to make it perfect. It was hopeless, all of it.

    So, at last, I gave up on being perfect.

    At first, it seemed strange to me. Leaving things unfinished. Doing things halfway. Not going out of my way to make everything seem okay. I thought the world would fall apart. But it didn’t.

    Other people took up the slack. Things that I thought were vital went undone without consequence. Not working at 110% did not make the world come crashing down around my head.

    Hesitantly, I started to look around. I started doing things that were fun for me instead of things that needed to be done. I said no when people asked for help. I left dishes in the sink and trash in the can. I ate out instead of cooking. I ate what I wanted and not what I thought was right. I watched TV when I wanted and slept when I wanted and didn’t worry about what I should be doing instead.

    And you know what?

    It was okay.

    Shockingly, there was little difference in my life between working hard and enjoying it. Little difference to others. However, it was a big difference to my mental health. I discovered I could do more with less. Less work, less stress, less perfection.

    I could enjoy life without being perfect.

    I am not saying that my change did not cause conflict. My family was not pleased with the sudden upsurge in their workload. Those little things I always did were now undone. If they wanted it done they had to do it themselves.

    The little things they took for granted suddenly became scarce and my ever helpful and always consistent presence became something that had to be requested rather than relied upon.

    It was empowering to say no. To be out of touch. To be enjoying myself without guilt or stress.

    I found out that I could now enjoy and even look forward to things that had previously stressed me out. That every experience was not a chance to screw up but a chance to learn something new. That doing new things was good, even if I wasn’t good at them at first.

    It’s great to strive toward excellence, but it’s not worth stressing about perfection. If you’d like to take a page from my book and learn to enjoy being imperfect:

    1. Accept that perfection is unreachable.

    No one can possibly be perfect; that is what makes us human. However, you have to not only accept that you will not be perfect, but also be happy that being imperfect makes you different than everyone else. Being perfect would make everyone identical. Our imperfections are what make us unique and special in this world.

    2. Say no.

    When you are trying to be perfect, it’s hard to tell people no. You want to make them perfectly happy. You want to be the perfect spouse, sibling, or friend. However, taking on more and more things does not make you more perfect or even a better person. It only makes you more stressed.

    Saying no is not only good for your mental health, but it is good for others as well. Many times people will have to deal with their own issues, which will make them grow into stronger human beings. If you had helped them, they would not have had the chance to grow.

    3. Try new things, even if you fail.

    Being a perfectionist, it’s hard to get the guts up to try something you have never done before in the fear that you will be less than perfect at it. However, that’s the fun of trying something new! You get to learn and grow and become more than what you were before. Staying stagnant is not healthy for anyone. Embrace your mistakes and learn something new.

    4. Let some things go.

    We prioritize things that are not really important. Will you remember doing the dishes, or having fun with your friends? Will you remember filing, or having a great conversation with your coworker?

    When you learn to let the unimportant things go, you have more time for what really matters. You also have more time to do what is fun for you instead of only doing what ‘needs’ to be done.

    5. Prioritize what makes you happy.

    Life is more than work and chores and making it through one day after another. If you feel like you are working and moving but never enjoying or accomplishing anything, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are doing with your life.

    Being stressed all the time is no way to live. Instead, try to enjoy your life. Prioritize those things and people that make you happy.

    Stressing out about perfection is a useless endeavor. Perfection is impossible for us, so why do we make ourselves sick over it?

    I have learned to abandon perfection and focus on enjoy life every day. This has greatly reduced my stress, increased my happiness, and made me the kind of person I would want to be friends with.

  • What Happiness Depends On

    What Happiness Depends On

    What Happiness Depends On

    Source: The Daily Quotes

  • Using Our Passions While We Can And Never Giving Up

    Using Our Passions While We Can And Never Giving Up

    Runner

    “Never underestimate the power of passion.” ~Eve Sawyer

    I am a runner in my heart and in my body. Running has provided me with so many life lessons that I cannot even count them. But having to fight for running has given me the most important ones.

    I still remember that day in September of 2002 when I went to my first cross-country practice. The coach told me it would only be an easy six-miler.

    Only? Easy? And a six-miler?

    “How does that even belong to the same sentence?” I wondered. I didn’t even know what miles were (being originally from Europe I only knew kilometers up until that point), but I sensed that six miles was somehow just way too long.

    You see, until 2002, I was an anti-sport, anti-activity, never-ran-a-step-in-my-life, skinny-fat couch potato. I walked the gym mile and even failed gym. Athletics wasn’t in my genes.

    Yet, there I was, at my first cross-country practice suffering through a so-called “easy six-miler.” It’s something that’s easy and short for me now, but back in 2012 it was a pain every step along the way. But I finished.

    My life forever changed that day. I ran my first race four days later. I fell in love with running forever.

    I improved quickly and steadily. I ended up continuing my college running on scholarship. I was All-State, All-Conference, All-Academic team, and I broke my personal record often.

    I worked extremely hard. I was a little running machine. I was a bit of a maniac.

    Post-college I started road racing: 5K-s, 10K-s, half marathons, and more. I ran my first marathon with a Boston Qualifying time… then I got hurt.

    To this day I am not sure what happened. It wasn’t an acute pain, and I hadn’t run through some pain leaving me with a chronic issue. But from one day to another I had terrible hip pain. I couldn’t run; even sitting was painful.

    The MRIs and bone scans proved that it was not a stress fracture, it wasn’t a labrum tear or other cartilage issue, and it was not tendonitis—but it was an excruciating pain. I saw many doctors and physical therapists. Nothing helped.

    I did all the exercises I was prescribed. I wore the clunky motion control shoes with orthotics and heel lifts, as recommended. I did it all. Yet, I was not getting better.

    I was in pain for over two years. Sometimes it was better and I could sit and walk pain-free. Sometimes getting out of bed was a question mark. Actual running was pretty much out of the question. But I longed for running and remained a runner in my heart.

    I kept searching and finally found my answer.

    A chiropractor suggested to change shoes: drop the ideas from other doctors, physical therapists, and shoe store employees; take the orthotics out, leave the heal lift behind, throw away the clunky motion control shoes, and go more natural. Just get some regular shoes without any fancy inserts and without any “new technology.”

    I had nothing to lose. I tried it. Within weeks I was able to run again.

    It has been two years since then. I’ve been running pain-free. I am training and racing again. I am not only a runner in my heart but also in action. Through this experience, I’ve learned:

    1. Do not take anything for granted.

    I appreciated running from that first six-miler on, but I have to admit, since it was in my life every day I somewhat took it for granted. Now, I say thanks every single day for all my past and present running experiences. I start and finish my runs with gratitude for the happiness, freedom, clarity, and connection to nature and health it brings me.

    You never know what is going to happen in the future, so don’t take things granted. Be thankful for people, activities, things, and experiences in your life. If you love somebody, tell them every day.

    2. There are lessons behind every challenge.

    Throughout the years of being hurt I asked, “Why?” so many times: “Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why?”

    The reality is that having to fight to get running back into my life taught me so much that I would not have learned without getting hurt.

    I learned that I have an enormous amount of strength and will power. I learned to be patient. I learned to trust. I learned how to find passion in life besides running. And I learned not take anything in life for granted. These lessons were reason enough to go through the pain.

    You don’t have to be religious or spiritual to think that everything has a reason. Just keep in mind that there is a lesson to be learned behind every single experience—and then choose to find it.

    3. Trust the process.

    I always knew I would run again. I didn’t know what my answer would be—how I would heal and when I’d be back on the roads—but I knew that I meant to be running again, so I trusted the process.

    Trust wasn’t just a crutch to help me through the difficult times, but more like an inner-guide and certainty that this, combined with time and effort, would guide me to my answer, whatever that may have been.

    Life can get crazy and chaotic. Sometimes you feel like you are lost in the forest and don’t know your way out. But trust the process. Always trust that eventually you find what you are looking for. If you trust the process, you will.

    4. Be open to try anything.

    Imagine if I had been closed-minded. I would have never trusted my chiropractor’s shoe advice. I would not be running pain-free today.

    No matter how crazy or unconventional something sounds, always keep an open mind. Be willing to give anything a shot that resonates with you even a bit. It just may change your life for the better.

    5. Never give up.        

    I was in pain and out of running for over two years. Yet, I never gave up. I am running today because I held onto my passion.

    No matter how tough things get, never give up on your dreams. Remember, it can’t rain forever. After the rain there is sunshine, everything will be brighter, and you will be happy for having stayed the course.

    6. Live with passion.

    Running is my passion and it makes me feel alive, happy, and free. I am able to transfer the joy, happiness, energy, freedom, and clarity I receive from running to other areas of my life, including relationships and work. Thus, my passion for running makes my other areas of life more beautiful too.

    Having a passion and living passionately is key to living happy and healthy life. So go find you passion. Use your passion. Live with passion.

    Photo by Aaron

  • How to Be Happier Without Really Trying

    How to Be Happier Without Really Trying

    “Happiness is the absence of trying to strive for happiness.” ~Chuang Zi 

    I sat in the café wondering why I wasn’t happy.

    I had been listening to all the happiness and self-help gurus. I was meditating every morning. I ate a healthy diet. I exercised four times a week. I was working hard on projects I was passionate about. I wasn’t wasting time and watching my life tick away.

    Yet somehow, as I sat in the café, I wondered how I could have been “doing it all right” and yet everything felt incredibly wrong.

    There is no mistaking the feeling of being unhappy. I wasn’t quite sure where it originated, but I constantly felt exhausted, uninspired, and like the energy was being sucked from my body.

    I had this mantra constantly running through my head: If you only get one life, the solution is to cram as much stuff into it, every minute, and waste no time so that you will die fulfilled.

    But it just wasn’t working.

    So I did what we naturally do. I went to Google, the mystical tech god, to help show me why I wasn’t happy and to help figure out what to do. 

    I tried all the usual suggestions. I started journaling and keeping a track of all my moments I was the most grateful for during the day.

    I started engaging in random acts of kindness; I would buy strangers’ coffee at Starbucks, pay for someone else’s toll, or leave a gift on someone’s windshield.

    I increased my meditation time to at least forty-five minutes per day and focused on staying mindful throughout the day. 

    But the big problem was still there. I felt stressed constantly, unhappy, and had the weird feeling that even though I wasn’t wasting any time, and was using my life wisely, I just wasn’t enjoying life that much. 

    I just could not understand why at the end of the day I felt so grumpy Every. Single. Time. 

    And then, as most coincidences in life happen, I stumbled upon an article written by Martha Beck, the famous life coach, about how there was one overlooked path to success—and it wasn’t hard work.

    In fact, quite the opposite. And it was something seriously in short supply in the modern world. 

    Play. 

    At first I thought, “What?” How is that possible? I’m having fun all day long. I go to work, come home, exercise (which I enjoy), work on my side project (which I enjoy), do some studying for a bonus class (which I enjoy). I play all day! 

    No, no, no, Martha’s article said. That is not play. Play needs to be restorative; it needs to be a time when your brain and body are turned off and simply in flow. 

    I decided to do an experiment. 

    Every guru since the dawn of time has mentioned how children are closer to “the truth,” and that by observing them we could learn quite a bit.

    So every day for a week I sat in a café. And I just observed. I did nothing but watch people interact, watched them come and go, and in particular, watched how children interacted. 

    The first thing I noticed was something obvious: Life is a game to kids.

    They spill milk and then laugh. Something breaks and they act scared for a moment, then laugh. It’s pouring outside and they jump in puddles and laugh. 

    It’s incredible the 180 that I (and many other adults) make. 

    Spilled milk? Annoying. Now my clothes are dirty. Broken wine glass? Great. Now I have to spend $15. Raining outside? Ecstatic. I get to run around freezing and potentially get a cold. 

    It was insanity. We were both experiencing the exact same things in life and I was giving myself a heart attack, while little kids were rolling on the floor laughing. Same situation. Big difference.

    I then did a flow test, where I wrote down every single moment of my daily schedule and analyzed whether I was having fun or not. 

    I quickly realized I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t engaging in the relaxed, restorative kind of play that leaves you feeling strong and healthy. 

    I was too concerned with “making this one life count” that I was jamming every minute of every day with some kind of activity, for fear of wasting a single minute.

    And the horrible irony was that I was seeking happiness by not wasting time, but “doing more” didn’t get me there.

    Isn’t that crazy? One of life’s most important practices is so easily overlooked because we take it for granted.

    There’s the old saying about how kids smile 400 times a day, but by the time they reach adulthood they only smile 10 times a day. I think it’s true.

    And for me, the real secret to enjoying life, beating unhappiness, and beginning to reverse depression was all about playing more in life.

    And, like meditation, everything can become an exercise in playfulness. 

    Maybe this life-changing secret will help you too: If you aren’t enjoying life enough, stop pursuing happiness and just play.

    Happiness will come as an unintended side effect.

  • Getting More Out of Life When You Have Less Money

    Getting More Out of Life When You Have Less Money

    Couple Walking

    “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown

    When we find ourselves not having “enough,” times may be rough; however, this is only our first glance, our perceived perception.

    Not all who have little are poor. None who live simply fit into the status quo. And none of us deserves to be judged for what we do or do not own.

    Poverty lines are a general measure of separating the classes, but they fail to feel emotions, see our genuine qualities, or tell the stories of our lives.

    They quantify our income, encourage us to strive for more, but more of what? More money to engage in better opportunities? More cash to buy more stuff?

    Numbers have a tendency to lose their meaning when they don’t add up—a well-paying job with no time for family is no better or worse than barely scraping by without savings, yet having no debt.

    There are many lessons to be learned from being poor. If you have ever been on your last coin, or more than once, chances are good that you may have experienced an enlightened state of being.

    Voluntarily choosing to live with less is quite different than being born into poverty, yet the paths overlap and intersect on so many levels.

    Searching for the silver lining of a free fall into a greatly reduced income, of which my husband and I caught the winds of almost a decade ago, we discovered the concepts of minimalism and simplicity.

    At first I was terrified at the aspect of living off of so little money, coming from a consumer culture that defines worth in terms of income. However, rationality quickly stepped in after that initial panic, and feelings of being lost without monetary stability were replaced by a desire to live well within our means.

    There was no denying the change of mindset that was rapidly taking place.

    We made a tiny handful of money (way below poverty measures) that allowed us to go to the grocery store a couple of times a month for food; the rest we had to acquire for ourselves in other ways—learning to forage, trading, growing…

    Every coin we made went toward nourishing our bodies, because good health is the most important aspect of survival.

    When we couldn’t afford electricity for eight months, we lit the kitchen with a few beeswax candles. When they burnt out we went to bed early, only to wake up with the sun.

    Employment was nowhere to be found in the countryside. We had no Internet connection and it seemed that life was on standby. Months and years went by, and it was hard. We didn’t buy anything we couldn’t afford, we didn’t want what we couldn’t attain, and all the while we didn’t complain.

    The last part confused a lot of people. We didn’t complain because we accepted the situation we were in, and rather than fight it, we decided to learn from it.

    It is possible to live well, well below the poverty line. Much of it depends on your state of mind, part of it comes from where you enter the phase of living with less; but wherever life takes you, lessons are waiting to be found:

    1. You may already have enough.

    In our past we had acquired all the things we needed for survival, and then some. Clothes “out of fashion,” but definitely not out of use. Pots, pans, dishes, music, games. Though we didn’t have the ability to buy things anew, we certainly did not go without. 

    When you have little, you may still have more than you realize at first glance. Set possessions aside and focus on life that surrounds you. Friends, family, your health—foster those intangible, yet all important connections.

    Most importantly, make peace with patience. Slowly moves the world without flowing cash or access to the Internet, and it still remains a beautiful place to be.

    2. Less time with electronic gadgets leaves you more room for people.

    Physical relationships are the ones that foster real laughter, genuine love, and lasting memories. Conversations flourish in the absence of technology.

    We can relearn to have meaningful discussions without a cell phone on the table; they only serve as a distraction at the dinner table and attest to our shortening attention spans.

    3. Solitude gives you time to delve into your emotions.

    It gives you time to think about life. Inner reflection is hard to focus on when we are busy day and night, so get un-busy and make more time for dreaming, questioning, and contemplating. Find quiet activities to let your mind expand to new horizons; you have the time.

    4. Nature provides us with much beauty, energy, and inspiration.

    No money for a concert? Great! Go listen to the night song of crickets in summertime, listen to frogs bellow, listen to birds or running water. Hike, walk, bike—get out of your four corners and find freedom in the “wild.” 

    5. Self-reliance will foster an unending sense of independence.

    Spend time reading books; volunteer your time to learn and teach new skills, meeting new people and creating opportunities for advancement as you go about daily life. See the connections, and feel what is important for your personal growth.

    Rather than feel guilty that we couldn’t afford to eat out, we chose to develop our cooking skills and embrace the art of slow food. We grew vegetables in the garden to preserve for winter, we baked our own pies and pastries, we relished in our growing confidence of all matters related to providing for oneself.

    In eight years one can acquire immense knowledge, and our wealth grows with our ever-increasing set of useful skills (from knitting to felting to cobbing to shoe making) that we can apply over many aspects of life.

    6. Happiness cannot be bought.

    It can be grown, cultivated, tended, nurtured, but you won’t find it on a store shelf or a screen. Happiness comes when you are at peace with who you are, right in this moment—with your job or lack of it, with your salary or lack of it, with your friends or lack of them, with your wants fulfilled or lack of that.

    Struggles can bring out the worst or the best in us! Living with less money than “ideal” is certainly a challenge and if we haven’t been there ourselves, we certainly know someone who has been financially in need. You can be rich and poor or poor and rich, depending on where you place your values.

    Wanting less speaks volumes about your personality. It has nothing to do with charts and graphs that society creates, but it has everything to do with you—the way you treat yourself and the much-deserved attention you give to others around you.

    The next time you take a pay cut, voluntarily or not, remember the advantages of more time, more meaningful experiences, and a whole lot less stuff to store along the way. You are not defined by your past; you and your thoughts are the future. Learn, let go, and move on.

    You can live with much less than you ever thought possible and find many uplifting winds to carry you on your way.

    Photo by Tony Alter

  • How to Heal a Broken Heart and Wounded Spirit

    How to Heal a Broken Heart and Wounded Spirit

    “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson

    My life fell apart on a warm August evening a few years ago. It had been a full summer: family visits, plans for a cross-country move, barbecues, and plenty of travel. We were happy, my husband and I.

    Or so I thought.

    On that August night, my husband came home to our cozy New York apartment, sat down, and told me, behind a smother of hands and hunched shoulders, that he’s in love with another woman. Well, not so much in those words—they actually came much later—but to save you a longer story, we’ll keep it at that.

    What was clear was that he would not leave her despite the ten years we’d spent together, despite the love he still felt for me, despite the mistake he knew he was making.

    And so, this man whom I loved with unbridled completeness, ran a sledgehammer through my life.

    As it happens, the reverberations of that blow rippled out, unceremoniously taking down other pillars I had come to rely on for my sense of stability and well-being.

    A week after my husband’s declaration, my spiritual home, the yoga studio I practiced and taught at nearly every day for years, closed with twenty-four-hour notice.

    A week later, I was downsized out of another job. .

    I shuffled through my days. At times I’d get a surge of energy and suit up with determination to do something about my situation. Other times I’d sink into an unmoving bump on the couch.

    After weeks of treading water and binging on my stories of “poor me,” I realized that, despite my best efforts, life just kept coming at me. No matter how much I resisted and whimpered, the sun rose, birds sang, and babies still made me laugh.

    I realized that I had a choice: I could keep shutting it out and wallow in misery, or I could open up and receive it.

    I decided to open, ever so slowly, almost against my will. I started with small things: feeling the comforting weight of blankets piled on top of me as I vegged out on the couch, tasting the bitter sweetness of chocolate chip cookies, seeing the texture and hue of the landscape I stared out into.

    In doing this, I discovered that what was breathing nourishment back into my soul and calling me forward into living again was none other than my senses.

    Without doing anything dramatic, without making lofty resolutions or steeling my willpower, I began to heal. I softened. I even laughed. I relearned joy and ease and the thrill of taking risks.

    Could it be so simple? Could it be so obvious?

    Yes, and yes.

    In opening, despite the pain and miserable facts of my life, a new awareness took hold: our senses are portals to the soul.

    They are our inborn pleasure centers, receiving and transmitting sensory data—pleasure and pain—directly to the soul, where it is translated into information for the soul to use, to learn from, and to grow from.

    Like a salve on a wound, senses can nourish and calm an achy soul and administer cooling bandages to a broken heart.

    The senses tell us, in every single darn moment: Yes, we’re alive (and what a gift!). And, yes, there is pleasure and joy and beauty and so much room to expand into. They tell us, yes, this journey, this life, is worth it.

    All we have to do is open up to what is, even just a tiny bit. The rest will take care of itself.

    Opening, we see the beauty of the leaves in the sunlight.

    Opening, we hear the wind chimes.

    Opening, we feel a friend’s hand on our shoulder.

    We take in the pleasure and the desire of our soul is quelled. We are set at ease. We have space now to rest, and heal.

    So, I made the decision to nurture my senses and give my soul what it desired, even if it meant that my senses brought in pain, or ugly sounds, or smelly feet.

    Because I learned that when my body aches from too many hours at the computer, I can still look to the blue sky and take cool drinks of water.

    Because when I’m wracked with disappointment or the sting of failure, I can still feel warm water on my skin.

    Because when I’m overwhelmed and wrung out from demands and deadlines, I can still breathe in the smell of a hearty stew and hear the kind words of friend.

    For every pain, there is a pleasure. And I suspect that we are capable of pleasures far beyond the reaches of any pain.

    It all starts with one simple move: opening to what is. Opening our sense portals to the deluge of pleasure that surrounds us, and filling our souls with the fullness of ease and nourishment beyond our imagination. This is the space we bathe in that heals wounded souls and broken hearts.

  • Stop Waiting on Your Dream: Take Tiny Steps to Make “Someday” Now

    Stop Waiting on Your Dream: Take Tiny Steps to Make “Someday” Now

    Watching the Sun

    “The beautiful things about setbacks is they introduce us to our strengths.” ~Robin Sharma

    It was morning, March 2009. My alarm announced another ho-hum weekday.

    On the outside, I had it pretty together. I was living the corporate NYC life with a great apartment, a steady relationship, and a solid paycheck. But in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t as happy as I made myself out to be.

    I didn’t know what I really wanted, and I constantly felt like I should just stop complaining in my head and make the best of things.

    So, with every workday, I went through the motions of convincing myself things were great.

    But something was different this particular day: my toe had swollen up like a sausage.

    Did I hit the gym too hard? Take a wrong step in my running shoes? The pain was intense and didn’t get better. So I headed to my doctor to see what was going on.

    His diagnosis shocked me: at thirty-nine, I had arthritis.

    For the next six months, every move I made was excruciating, even with the strong medication I was taking. Even just a few steps shot pain straight up my legs. Walking was almost impossible, and you can forget about high heels and dancing!

    I didn’t get it. I was a healthy, slim woman who’d just dropped forty pounds. I had a boyfriend and a career. But in that moment… I was someone’s grandmother.

    There’s one major upside to unexpected health crises: they wake you up to what’s important.

    Six months of mostly-immobility forces you to sit down and think about your life. And I realized a few things.

    My relationship wasn’t working.

    I really wanted to be happy. He wasn’t a terrible guy, and being a thirty-nine-year-old, single woman comes with its share of challenges. But he wasn’t able to make me a priority, and I knew the timing was all wrong.

    I hated my job.

    The constant go-go-go of my career path had completely worn me out. I didn’t get the same pleasure from it anymore. The only reason I still showed up every day was because of the paycheck (and NYC was just fabulous).

    I’d had the same wild, amazing dream for years.

    I wanted to live between my native New Zealand and New York City. But it seemed almost impossible. What kind of job would give me that kind of freedom, anyway?

    The bottom line was, I needed to stop pretending I was happy with my life.

    I always told myself “I can’t wait to____, as soon as _____.” I was constantly waiting for a catalyst—for my finances to be right, to be in in the right relationship, to have just the right job.

    Feeling chained to my inflamed foot and throbbing burning pain over those months made me realize that captivity was nothing new to me. I’d been a prisoner of self-doubt all my life.

    The only question was: what was I going to do about it?

    I was sick of thinking I would start my dream life someday. I knew if I was to live an awesome life, I had to take action.

    So, after devouring as many self-help books, articles, and blogs as I could find, I mapped out a path to follow.

    Part 1: For the first time, I started focusing on the things that brought me joy.

    When I was finally back on my feet, filled with fresh moxy and ready to tackle the world, I turned my attention to health.

    After my weight loss and six-month bout of sickness, wellness had become something near and dear to my heart. So I played the corporate game by day, moonlighted as a Group Fitness aerobics teacher, and took classes to get my Health Coach certification.

    Being a coach meant the location-independent life I’d always dreamed of on my own terms. It was more than passion to me. It was my key to my freedom.

    Part 2: I downsized and simplified my life.

    My relationship ended, I moved out of my NYC apartment and headed permanently to New Jersey, and eventually settled in a small place on the Jersey Shore.

    It was a cozy hideaway for me while I saved money and figured out what to do next. I studied, worked, and incubated my ideas while I geared up make the full leap.

    And leap I did, soon enough.

    Part 3: I just did it.

    When you’re stuck in bed for six months with no company but books and your laptop, you realize: There’s no perfect time. You’ve just gotta put one foot in front of the other and go.

    But I didn’t do it alone! I spoke with my family and friends of my plans to leave the corporate world and coach instead. While some of them weren’t so sure I could easily be a coach between New York and New Zealand, they gave me their support.

    Five months after starting my health coach training, I left my twenty-plus-year corporate I.T. sales role. Boom.

    Was it easy leaving a dependable income and starting a business from scratch? No! But it was easier than watching life fly by me while I pretended to be happy.

    Nowadays, I’ve got my dream of living between NYC and NZ. I’m in love with my life and my business. My arthritis is under control, and life has never been better.

    Now, it’s your turn to make it happen for yourself.

    It’s okay to be tired of waiting for happiness. But you have to step up and take responsibility for creating it.

    It starts with small shifts that lead to bigger and bigger ones:

    Instead of saying “someday, I’ll…” change your mindset to “I’ll do that.”

    Start writing about what you want—all those juicy little things you’re saving for when things are “just right.”

    Learn to ask yourself: “What’s stopping me?”

    Recognize negative self-talk and self-doubt for what they are: nonsense that keeps you playing small. Ignore!

    Break your goals into small steps, and actively add them to your calendar. Giving yourself real deadlines will help you stay on your path of action and see your goals through to the end.

    You just have to take the first step. Then keep going.

    So… what’s next for you?

    It’s time to catch yourself every time you say “someday,” “I’ll do it later,” or “maybe next week/month/year.”

    Next time that phrase comes out of your mouth: Stop. Think. And get out a pen. It’s time to slip that dream goal into your calendar.

    Even if it’s one small step—reaching out to a colleague, beginning your research—write it down, schedule it in, and make it happen. Do this with the next steps in your journey. Before you know it, you’ll turn “don’t have time” into “done”!

    Make the call. Take the step. Watch what happens.

    Photo by Chad Cooper

  • Knowing What to Do When the Path You’re On Feels Wrong

    Knowing What to Do When the Path You’re On Feels Wrong

    Man on a pier

    “Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” ~Cherokee Proverb

    Age is a funny thing, isn’t it? It’s both an internal and external measurement by which many of us, consciously or not, judge our successes and failures, and it’s how others often judge us: “She’s so young to be CEO.” “He’s too old to be a quarterback now.” “Those guys should have stopped touring years ago.” “How old is that woman he’s dating?”

    Measurement is part of our culture.

    Paradoxically, we initially choose our life paths when we are the least prepared to understand the significance of our decisions.

    It took me until I reached mid-life, while simultaneously hitting rock bottom, to finally change the course of my life and, most importantly, to learn how to let go of the “whys,” “what ifs,” and “if onlys” that had been my everyday mantras for as long as I could remember.

    It’s not easy to put your past in perspective and ignore cultural measurements, and it can be unnerving to allow yourself the time and space to evolve. But from my experience, the mistakes, bad choices, and seemingly insurmountable challenges you may now be facing are truly fixable.

    And once you decide you’re ready, you’ll find that it’s cathartic (and yes, a little frightening) to give yourself some time to find your true path, however you define that for yourself.

    My path appeared on March 5, 2010. I was president of my family’s company. Except for a few years out of college when I thought I would be a musician, I had always worked in the business.

    I knew very early on that joining the company was a mistake, but I had made a commitment to my father in my early twenties, worked my way up from intern to president, and had always done the “right thing.”

    In 2010, the world was still recovering from the financial meltdown, and many companies’ sins and weaknesses were exposed. On that Friday morning in March I realized exactly how far down our company had fallen.

    In the space of a few minutes, I discovered that people I trusted deeply had been lying to me for years, 300 employees could lose their jobs (including me), my savings were gone, and my house could go into foreclosure.

    Everything I had worked for and bet my life—and future—on was collapsing around me. I closed the door to my office and cried.

    But wait, it gets worse.

    I soon found I could do very little other than sit in my office and watch TV, occasionally crying for no apparent reason. I only talked to the people I had to. Things I loved to do like playing the guitar or riding my motorcycle were of no interest.

    Most days I closed the door to my office when I got there in the morning and opened the door nine hours later to go home. Some days, I didn’t even get out of bed.

    Having so much time to think, I only focused on my failures (especially as I was desperate to save the company).

    I obsessed about why I trusted so easily, where I thought I should have been by now, and why I made the choices I’d made. Regret, anger, fear, embarrassment, and blame encompassed my every moment.

    For those of you who have never seen a commercial for antidepressants, these are the classic signs of depression, and I was deep in the abyss before I sought professional help.

    Therapy was hugely valuable (and still is), but it was a conscious, meditative exercise an Eastern astrologer friend suggested several months later that gave me the freedom to breathe, gain clarity, and find the courage to change.

    My friend told me to take a break, get on my Harley, and disappear for a few days (which was far more difficult than it seems). He said the problems would certainly be there when I returned. While riding he wanted me to practice what he called ‘the simplest state of awareness.’

    This meant that any negative thoughts about anything—job, money, house, family, fear, failure, regret, crashing, etc.—were to be pushed away by focusing only on the simplest things around me such as the color of the sky, the smell of the flowers (or car exhaust), the sound of the motorcycle, a bird in flight, the weathered wood on a barn.

    If anything negative entered my mind, I was to immediately replace that thought with a simple thought.

    Oddly, I had always felt comfortable being unhappy, so to not allow anything negative in was against my nature back then.

    But when I replaced a stressful thought with a basic observation about the world around me—an observation where there was no judgment—I started to understand what it meant to “clear your mind.”

    This was not about focusing on what I wanted. When I tried to do that and skip the simplest state process, my mind always reverted to what “should” be. I wasn’t ready to start changing my life… yet.

    So, what happened? Even in my depression I had enough sense and commitment to do whatever was necessary to fix the company, and after some drastic and painful changes it was slowly stabilizing, but in my heart I knew that it was time for me to leave the family business.

    After convincing myself all my life that running the company was my destiny, I understood, and accepted, that it wasn’t. I resigned in February 2011.

    My decision did not help my relationship with my father, and I was now left without a job, yet still a mortgage, bills, and a family to support. But for the first time in my life I felt aware. The resentment, shame, and paralyzing fear of change were fading.

    I realized I needed to do what I loved and what I was good at—obvious, I know, but not at the time—which was being a creative entrepreneur and working with music in some way.

    I started a full-service, strategic creative consulting agency; we work with companies, brands, and top-level artists helping them engage differently with their audiences so they achieve their goals and grow.

    From the beginning we landed clients we never thought possible, considering we had no experience, and they’re all still happy today; our reputation has earned us more clients; I have more time to do things for me; apparently I “look” happier; and, financially, I am far better off now doing what I love to do than when I was doing what I had to do.

    I also decided to go back to graduate school part-time, which I was prevented from doing years ago; I start in the spring.

    The quote in the beginning says not to let yesterday take up too much of today, it doesn’t say “don’t ever look back.”

    I believe that while never looking back is a noble goal, it’s very difficult for many people to do, especially me, without the kind of awareness that comes only from distance. So I chose a quote that, for me, was accessible, allowing me the space to safely pause and reflect, and then inspiring me to act when I was ready. You, too, will find the right words for you, if you haven’t already.

    It took many years, a traumatic event, and depression for me to start my life over. And still it was difficult and I was afraid when I made that decision; change is scary regardless of it being “right.”

    The simplest state exercise helped me gain clarity and perspective, and then time gave me the confidence and courage to act. And remember cultural measurement? I measure myself differently now, and I actively learn from people of all ages.

    This is my story so far. I encourage you to find your inspiration and motivation to help you on your journey, and then perhaps you’ll share your story.

    Most importantly, you need to know—not just believe—there is a right time for you to change, no matter how hard, no matter your age, no matter the obstacles. If you feel in your heart that you are not where you want to be, it is never too late. Be your own light; the universe will wait for you.

  • How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

    I’m all too aware that dating can feel like a grinding, painful roller coaster to nowhere.

    If you’ve hit your head against the wall as many times as I have, you know how frustrating, depressing, and downright disheartening it can be. Meeting someone new, going on a few great dates, getting excited, having one/both of you sort of stop calling; then repeating the process over and over is enough to make you want to give up for good.

    The ups and downs in this cycle can make you feel like you are unbalanced and have whiplash. While it can be fun to go on a bunch of dates with different people, it can also make you feel like you’re floating alone on your own little island of solitude.

    For happily married people, the trials of meeting a mate are ancient history that they’ve completely glossed over. So they often parrot off clichés like “you’ll meet the right one when you least expect it” and “you’ll find him when you aren’t looking.” 

    When you’re on this emotional roller coaster, these well meaning statements are enough to make you want to cold clock someone in the face.

    How exactly do you even meet anyone if you aren’t looking? Does someone accidentally fall on you in the grocery store?

    In the two-and-a-half hours I leave the house each week, is he going to trip on me at Starbucks while I’m nervously palming my skinny hazelnut latte and completely avoiding eye contact? Will I lock eyes with him at the library while I’m researching just how relationships actually work?

    “Oh, hello beautiful. I see you’re clutching every book on love ever written. I find that super intriguing, want to go get a drink?” Said no one ever.

    After a while, it’s easy to feel like starting your collection of cats and totally giving up on the idea of ever meeting the right person.

    Several times during my dating experiences, I had to shut down my various online dating profiles for a few months and lick my wounds.

    It takes a lot of determination and/or masochism to keep putting yourself out there when Mr. Potential turns into Mr. Wrong with such break-neck frequency. It often became necessary to stop everything and reflect on why dating experiences had been such abysmal failures.

    Why wasn’t it working? I went on so many dates that I was testing different outfits, different responses to texts, different time frames for everything.

    I tried every type of date I could imagine. I certainly could have won an award for persistence, but why did it still feel like not only were there great people out there, but they were behind some kind of sturdy glass wall?

    Without fail, I would eventually put my rose colored glasses back on and try again, inspired by a friend meeting someone new or it being the absolute depths of winter. My best friend called it “going for another round.”

    It took me years to realize that I was addicted to the experience of dating itself. There is a great deal of novelty in meeting new people and experiencing new things with them while clinging to the distant hope that one of them just might click.

    The ups and downs were enough to keep me hooked, as I allowed my feelings about myself to be dictated by the opinions of people I barely knew. If they liked me, I liked me. 

    Somewhere along the way, I had let my ego get completely tied up in these experiences. I had fallen into the trap of letting my opinions of my failed relationships shape my opinion of myself.  No wonder I felt horrible and had lots of go-nowhere relationships. I wasn’t confident, I was afraid.

    Dating was like trying on new bras. While it was often an uncomfortable, awkward, painful, struggle, eventually I was ecstatic when I found a few that seemed to fit. Then, just like the lifespan of my favorite bras, the support system failed and the underwire started digging in.  When this happened I felt horrible, and went out looking for my next fix.

    One day this realization hit me like a ton of bricks while I was obsessing over the failure of my latest relationship.

    To stop feeling terrible and get off this emotional roller coaster for good, I realized I had a choice.

    I could either continue to view my dating experiences as abysmal failures that reflected poorly upon my self-worth and keep letting my self-esteem circle the drain. Or, I could manage my attitudes about my relationships in general and take a whole different approach to dating. 

    I could let myself off the hook and let the dating experiences just be what they were instead of tying my ego to them.

    When I stopped hanging so much of my feelings on these experiences, I started meeting completely different people than ever before. The best part about it was that even though I was still excited about a great date, there was not longer the subtle hint of desperation in my interactions.

    To continue to date without this emotional cycle was difficult but essential. Here is how I stopped the painful experience of getting my self-worth tied up in my dating experiences.

    1. Develop and maintain the belief that you are already whole without someone else.

    Rather than looking for your other half and staying off balance, you must believe that you are worthy and whole right now. While it is a universal experience to want someone to share your life with, your value is not determined by your success or failure at searching for a mate.

    It helped me to repeat, “I am whole, I am love” before and after dates, to get the idea across strongly that the outcome of this one event was not a determinate of my lovability or worth.

    When you strongly view yourself as a whole person who is looking for someone to share your life with, it takes away some of the fear that they won’t like you, that your destiny is hanging on this outing, and that if they don’t approve of you, you are back to square one.

    2. Be mindful of your fears surrounding relationships.

    So many people carry around the same negative thoughts about their desirability. “I am flawed.” “If I spill my guts to someone else, they will run.” “I can’t be vulnerable.” “I’m not enough.” “I’m going to die alone.” “If I commit I will be trapped.” And on and on. These are all rooted in fear and are not facts.

    When you hear yourself repeating any of these negative statements, say, “stop” and replace the thought with a positive affirmation. I like to use “I am whole, I am love,” but use a positive statement about your worth that resonates with you.

    3. Know that rejection does not mean you are not good enough.

    For whatever reason, you were not right for someone else. That decision is up to them. It is easy to get hung up on the “whys” behind their decision, but dwelling on them doesn’t change the reality. If you aren’t right for someone else, they aren’t right for you.

    Each time someone isn’t right for you and shows you that, honor their decision even if you feel differently. Move on and let them go. Do not use the experience as proof that you aren’t good enough.

    4. Get rid of the scarcity mindset regarding meeting the right person.

    You have an infinite well of love to give another person. This love is extremely valuable. Do not underestimate its worth to a potential mate.

    There are lots of people in the world. You must maintain the belief that there are more than a few who would love your company. If it doesn’t work out with one, you are not doomed. In addition, there is not a timer on your desirability.

    5. Be less serious about your search.

    Go on fun dates. Refuse to turn your dates into stuffy job interviews in contrived romantic situations. Dates are not a matter of national importance.  Show up, enjoy yourself and take some of the pressure off.  Laugh and play.

    When you adopt a lighthearted attitude it is easier to be fully present and experience the other person in the moment. Fun takes the pressure off. Then if you two are not a love match, at least you had fun.

  • How to Live a Full Life and Smile Your Way Through It

    How to Live a Full Life and Smile Your Way Through It

    Smiling

    “There are only two mantras, yum and yuck, mine is yum.” ~Tom Robbins

    I recently had my thirty-first birthday. I am officially in my thirties. This leads to reflection; what have I accomplished with my time as an adult?

    I recently started over yet again, making this the fifth state I’ve lived in seven years. I have a roommate, half of the stuff in my room is hers, and I’m temping for a living. I was more prosperous at twenty friggin’ three…

    …externally.

    If you were to see a photo of me at the age of eighteen next to a current photo, you’d notice a few changes. I’m obviously older and have gained some weight. I finally got those braces off, and my skin cleared up nicely.

    However, if you were super-perceptive you’d say, “The young one is nervously smiling. She doesn’t look genuinely happy.” You’d be correct. 

    The young one is bulimic. She doesn’t believe in herself. She has no clue who she is. She’s recovering from the trauma of her mother’s suicide. She babbles about boys, gossip, and that’s about it. After nearly everything she says, she glances at those around her like, “right?”, and a nervous laugh sputters out.

    Poor dear. She’s scared to death and she doesn’t even know it.

    I, the older and curvier one, am honest to goodness happy. Even though things in life don’t look just how I’d like them to yet, I’m excited to see how it plays out.

    I know I can have, be, and do whatever I want; I have faith in myself, the forces of life, and divine timing. I’m enjoying checking out experiences as they arrive, and I feel grateful for what they are teaching my soul. That nervous giggle has transformed into a satisfying and hearty belly laugh.

    So how did I go from a fake laugh to a real one, and how can you, too?

    1. Embrace rock bottom.

    I left my hometown in Alaska to go to college in Vegas, sans the childhood friends that handled my traumatized self with kid gloves. I hid in booze, drugs, and boys the best I could; but depression started bubbling halfway through the year, and quickly ignited to a full-on boil.

    I binged and purged daily. I would scratch my skin until it bled, because the pain hurt less than the thoughts it was distracting me from.

    It all finally erupted and I realized I had to stop hiding and numbing myself. In facing my depression and self-hatred head on, I was able to rebuild my life from a new foundation. It wasn’t easy, but letting myself hit rock bottom was the key to my growth and healing.

    If you are having a difficult time, if it feels like everything is crumbling, it’s okay. Weak structures need to break down in order to be rebuilt with strength.

    Release the pieces of you that are no longer self-serving, knowing that you are not your past. You are whoever you choose to be, and going through the hard parts just makes that person all the stronger.

    2. Create dreams and goals.

    Compared to that first year, the rest of college went by fairly uneventfully. I was soon a college graduate, with a corporate job, living with a man I loved. These things were all dreams up until I got them, but as dreams often go, once they came true I quickly outgrew them. I wanted more.

    I spent a lot of time articulating what I wanted, trying situations on in my head like outfits. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to move to California on my own, make another 12K a year, and organize fundraisers for charity. So I did.

    Then I wanted more again. That’s how dreams go. Love, appreciate, and enjoy them when they come to fruition. Your heart will eventually stir again, signaling time to conjure up some new ones.

    3. Take risks.

    After a few successful charity fundraisers, being flown to New York twice in recognition, and writing about it all in a national magazine, I realized Southern California didn’t suit this here Alaskan chick. I decided to move to Colorado. The branch of the corporation I was working for serendipitously shut down shortly after that decision.

    I used my severance package to start over in Denver. I didn’t know anyone, and I had never been there.  I wanted to see how I’d react to the challenge.

    If you never put yourself out there, you’ll never have the space you need to truly grow. Exposing yourself to life’s contrasts is crucial to living it fully, and you can’t do that without involving a little risk.

    4. Make the best of any situation.

    I thought the lay-offs I witnessed were an isolated incident…it was 2008. My confidence approached arrogance as I surfed into Denver. What I didn’t know is I was riding the first tidal waves of the recession.

    I was honest-to-goodness shocked that no one cared about my three years of corporate ladder climbing.  Shocked! I tried desperately for a year, getting only one interview out of hundreds of cover letters. It should have been the worst year ever. It was incredibly stressful, don’t get me wrong, but it was also one of the best years yet.

    I met some the raddest people I know, soaked up all Denver had to offer, dreamed new dreams, started meditating, and learned that when I sought strength internally, it was always there. It wound up being a year of delightful transformation.

    It’s always our choice what we make of any situation. We can stare at our worries and fret; or we can figure out how to enjoy even dire circumstances, while doing our very best to correct them.

    When I could try no longer, I had to head back home to Alaska. I could have done so with my tail betwixt my legs, but I went tail a waggin’ and my chin held high.

    5. Face yourself.

    Returning to my small hometown was really challenging. I felt like everyone thought they knew me, even though I’d been gone for nearly a decade. I hated the feeling of trying to overcome these preconceived notions; yet at the same time, I was projecting old experiences onto others right back, assuming I knew who they were.

    I felt confined, and defined. My joie de vivre eventually faded, slowly, almost too slow to notice; but by the time I left I could barely summon a spark.

    I felt incredibly alone, like the only person I had to turn to was myself—which was okay, because turning to face ourselves is exactly what we have to do to overcome the darkness.

    Shadow work, or “casting a light on your dark side,” is best done during tough times. Think about how why things are so dark; how did you contribute to it? Ask yourself if you have patterns in your behaviors, thoughts, or beliefs that are getting in your way.

    What emotions are you experiencing? Isolate them, and then lean in to them, really feel them. This will help you process them, and only then will they be released, allowing you to move on.

    6. Truly and wholly love yourself, all of yourself.

    I’ve messed up, many, many times. I chose the proverbial scenic route, for sure. I haven’t even scratched the surface of the missteps I’ve made. You know what? I love myself for it. Those “mistakes” have led me to a place of true self-understanding and knowledge. We can only ever truly love what we truly know.

    Embrace your detours, as they are life’s clearest education. We may not choose to learn the hard way in the future, but we should never regret our past. Own it.

    Apply the wisdom that you have gained from trying experiences to create awesome ones. Most importantly, have a sense of humor about it all; the hard times, the great times, your achievements, and your shortcomings. They make you you, and you are beautiful.

    So I sit here, thirty-one, six months into starting over in Portland Oregon, nary a possession to my name, with a sense of fearless excitement about what’s coming. I live to grow, and I grow to live. I am open to whatever experience life has in store for me, ready to get a great laugh at whatever’s coming next.

    Photo by Irina Patrascu

  • Happiness Comes from Within

    Happiness Comes from Within

    Happiness Comes from Within

    Source: NotSalmon.com

  • How to ROCK Your Rock Bottom and Reinvent Yourself

    How to ROCK Your Rock Bottom and Reinvent Yourself

    Pushing Giant Boulder

    “When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

    I wasn’t always the ridiculously attractive (and humble) Jason you see before you. No, from a very young age I was overweight. I am an only child raised by a single, very hard-working mom. Her crazy work schedule meant that cooking meals was rarely a feasible option. This meant we ate at restaurants or had fast food quite often.

    Couple that with my extreme TV watching habits and only going outside when forced, and it’s easy to see how my unhealthy lifestyle led me to 250 pounds by the age of 15! You know, the age where kids are super compassionate and never cruel toward those who look different (insert sarcastic grunt here).

    Sad Kid to Sadder Adult 

    My adult life wasn’t any easier. Those patterns of poor eating and never exercising created a 330-pound 30-year-old.

    I had now made the transition from a chubby kid to a morbidly obese adult.

    You would think the high probability of various health problems and the very real concern of a premature death would wake me up, but sadly, it did not.

    For me, it wasn’t about health. It was about feeling like I never really fit in (literally and figuratively). From seat belts on planes to school desks, “fitting in” was a frustrating endeavor.

    I leveraged the only thing I thought I was good at, making others laugh, to create relationships since I thought I had nothing else to offer.

    I was always in the “friend zone” with girls (which was hell for a hopeless romantic like me), was made fun by the “cool kids,” and never felt comfortable in my own skin. My appearance, and the perception that everyone was constantly judging me, consumed my thinking on a daily basis.

    I was so sad, stressed, and depressed all because of my waistline and what I believed it meant about my self-worth.

    Sure, I became “successful” as an adult; prestigious job with a big salary, a condo in a ritzy-ish part of town, and a pimp ride, but that stuff was all a front!

    I couldn’t seem to decide what to do to alter the course I was on. And I was so hopeless sometimes that I don’t know if I would have taken the action even if I knew what to do!

    Then the Bank Got Involved 

    I remember like it was yesterday. I was at my highest weight, the Director of a technology firm, stomping across the lobby of our office building, angrily phoning the bank because my debit card was declined when I tried to make a purchase online.

    Fat JG was kind of a jerk sometimes—short on patience and quick to lose my temper whenever I felt like it. I was still the same loving, caring, and giving JG that I am now, but when I had a tantrum, it was like a vortex of schmuck that would suck everyone in! 

    I was giving the bank rep “the business.”

    “I know I have money in the account. Why is my damn card being declined? This is bullsh*t!”

    To which she replied, “I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” (you know the script) “but we have closed your card due to suspicious activity.”

    “Suspicious activity?” I inquired, “What are you talking about?!?!”

    “Well,” she continued, “yesterday there were four transactions at various fast food locations all across Orlando. It seemed suspicious that so many transactions would occur in a single day at different fast food establishments, so we shut down the card to ensure it hadn’t been stolen.” 

    The phone went silent. I was speechless. The charges were not fraudulent. They were mine. I had eaten at four different fast food restaurants in one day.

    I knew it was unhealthy, but it was just the norm for me. A multi-billion dollar corporation, however, knew something wasn’t right. My bank had essentially just told me I was an out-of-control fat ass and they were worried about me. Shame.

    I had truly hit rock bottom. 

    Let Your Future Pain Motivate You Now

    I had experienced my own rock bottom at the hands of the customer service rep at the bank, and it was now time for me to really reflect on what I was doing with my life.

    I was so lucky to have my wife Alicia to talk this through. (I could not have done this alone!) We talked about what I already missed out on and how this default life of mine was not going to get any better (it would actually get worse) unless I took bold action to change the trajectory of my health and life.

    I visualized the pain I was causing for my loved ones, not just myself. I saw a future where my wife became a widow because I had a heart attack. Where my mother would bury me, something a parent should never have to do.

    I pictured that my unborn children wouldn’t have their father at their high school graduation or wedding.

    Why was I being so selfish, taking away this joy from myself and from all of them?

    These are the questions that “rock bottom” hurls at your head and you owe it to yourself, and everyone you love, to answer them!

    Time for Some Action 

    Drastic times called for drastic measures. After researching for a year and going through every test, physical and psychological, they could throw at me, I decided to have weight loss surgery.  This was a huge decision that would require 100% commitment to healthy living if I were to be successful.

    Some people think this is an overnight fix, but it is far from it. Since surgery, I live a very healthy lifestyle including regular cardio and strength training, a vegetarian diet, and lots of thought about everything that goes into my pie hole. (I still splurge sometimes; there is no need to deprive ourselves of indulgence once in a while.)

    Prepping for, having and recovering from surgery was a six-month process, followed by another year of hard work to lose the rest of the weight. And now, almost three years later, I have lost 130lbs, kept it off and feel like 100 grand (the currency, not the candy bar)!

    My entire outlook on life has changed. I now know that if I was able to take action to reduce (or eliminate) issues in one area of my life, that doing the same for anything else I am, or will be challenged by in the future, is possible!

    Gravel or Boulder; The Choice is Yours

    Here is the beauty of rock bottom; it can have multiple interpretations.

    To me, the rock signifies heaviness, stillness, being centered. It is an opportunity, weighed down by this tremendous structure, to dig deep and decide in that moment what to do next, as if nothing else matters. Because in that moment, nothing else does.

    You can choose to be crushed by the rock. You can become gravel that outside circumstances push deeper into the earth, with no control over its own destiny. You can make excuses and pretend that this is your only option.

    But you would be wrong.

    There is another option. You can become the rock! You can use it as an example to become a boulder that is strong, unshakeable, and can steamroll anything in its path given the right direction and momentum.

    You can use the rock as a stepping stone (pun intended) to reach heights of re-invention that may have otherwise felt impossible.

    Remember, once you hit rock bottom, there is no place else to go but up!

    You Don’t Have to Wait for Rock Bottom to Rock It!

    Rock bottom did the trick for me, but the smarter way to conquer life’s difficulties is to anticipate when rock bottom may be a few feet away and to take action!

    What challenges are you facing that need action?

    Think of one, write it at the top of a sheet of paper, and then truthfully answer the following questions:

    1. What am I missing out on (personally, relationships, joy, professionally) if I don’t do something to change it?

    2. What do I stand to gain (personally, relationships, joy, professionally) if I take bold action to overcome it?

    3. Who are three people I can reach out to this week, to get guidance, direction or ideas on how to handle it?

    4. What is the smallest step I can take right now that will lead me in the direction of overcoming it?

    If you are reading this, it means you are the type of person that is committed to living on purpose and are fully capable of overcoming any challenges you may encounter. Rock on my friends, rock on!

    Photo by Hansueli Krapf

  • Overcoming Fear and Perceived Threats to Work Toward Your Dream

    Overcoming Fear and Perceived Threats to Work Toward Your Dream

    10 Steps for Overcoming the Fear of Making a Change

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    I awoke with a jolt. I heard the steady breathing of my sleeping partner next to me. I checked the clock; it was 3:30 AM. With a deep exhale, while rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I reached out to my bedside table to grab my phone.

    For a moment, I hesitated. I knew that tickets went on sale at 4:00 AM New Zealand Time and that they would be going fast.

    The U.S. event I wanted to attend would require a considerable financial investment (air travel and accommodation in addition to the costly ticket) and, given my track record, I was worried that I’d be wasting my money, once again.

    I looked back at my history of getting really excited about something, only to lose steam halfway through and find all sorts of excuses why it was impossible to continue. How could I be sure this wouldn’t happen again?

    Could I trust this time that fear would not take over and destroy my best intentions?

    I knew that I wasn’t just buying a ticket to an event. From the moment I heard about the conference, I was certain of one thing: I had to be there because I wanted to get up on stage and talk, even though I never thought that I’d have ambitions to be in the public eye, to disrupt the comfort of my calculable days, or to allow those really grand dreams into my consciousness.

    Instantly, after recognizing that I couldn’t shake the desire to talk in front of hundreds of people—in public and in a foreign country—I heard the familiar naysaying voices. Faint at first, they whispered that I should go back to sleep and not waste my money.

    Together, they wondered what excuse I could tell my friend, whom I had promised that I’d be at the event this year. What would be the most plausible reason why I couldn’t go?

    It was undeniable; fear was here. Reliable like the clock that was ticking in my bedroom, fear had crept up to me out of the darkness.

    Now, holding me fully in its grip, it spoke with a booming voice while breathing ice-cold air down my neck.

    “Put your phone away and go back to sleep. Don’t be so stupid,” it hissed. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, don’t waste it on this little fantasy of yours. You’re never going to board that plane anyway, I can tell you now.”

    Fear is one of the most excruciating and potentially destructive encounters we have to face. It is the enemy that attacks us from within.

    While reliable enough for us to know that it will show up, we can never be sure when we will have to brace ourselves. As I was lying in bed at 3:30 AM, phone at the ready with the intention to take the next crucial step towards realizing a long-held dream, fear showed up.

    Its presence usually triggers the following events for me: my heart starts to beat faster, my breathing accelerates, and my body temperature rapidly fluctuates between hot and cold, all while I spiral downward into a mental and emotional abyss, resulting in the total collapse of the dreamer within who triggered it all in the first place.

    Fear puts me in survival mode and pushes aside everything else that has a whimsical, magical, and expansive quality to it.

    I know this sequence so well. Many of us do. So that night, tired of being tossed around by fear-induced tidal waves, I hatched my own four-step process for dealing with fear and transforming it into positive action.

    1. Ask yourself if it’s a real or perceived threat.

    Undeniably, fear is a powerful emotion. And it’s useful too. I want fear by my side, heightening my senses and alerting me to potential dangers when a loud noise wakes me up at night.

    But I realized that fear is not as clever or cunning as it may seem. It cannot differentiate between a real threat and a perceived threat. Differentiating those nuances is not its job, really; it has no time to categorize. Once there is any kind of threat on the horizon, it kick starts the survival program to keep me safe from harm.

    My job is to recognize that fear is here and has begun to lock me into survival mode. Once I brought full awareness to the fact that I was scared, I was able to look at the trigger. It occurred to me to ask if what I’m fearful of is actually a real threat or a perceived threat.

    Real threats are usually quite obvious. They are potentially very dangerous and more often than not involve physical harm. For example, I would not think twice about protecting myself from someone trying to climb through my bedroom window at night.

    Perceived threats, on the other hand, are usually mental images such as memories or ideas. They are based on past experiences or on future predictions; they are walls we erect to protect the delicate structures of the world as we know it.

    Perceived threats are mere illusions that hold us back from pushing our boundaries and exploring new shores. So perceived threats are, in reality, opportunities for immense personal growth.

    Unless we live in an unstable region, I would argue that 90% of the time we experience fear, it is a perceived threat. What an insight! Once I realized that I wasn’t dealing with a life-threatening situation, I steadied myself with a calming breathing exercise.

    2. Use fear’s energy as a lever to break through.

    A little calmer, I saw that fear set free an incredible amount of energy. My heart was still beating at one hundred miles an hour. What to do with it?

    Busting through those sturdy walls I erected in the past takes a certain oomph. I realized that I can redirect the energy let loose by fear and rattle those walls until they crumble.

    Suddenly, fear became not so much an emotion to give in to blindly, but an invitation to actively participate, to identify where its energy was needed most and to use the powerful physical and emotional tidal wave to wash away those outdated, internal boundaries.

    3. Go deep.

    I scrubbed. I mean, I really scrubbed! I looked in every nook and cranny of my being, brushed away the cob webs, and shone a light into those dark corners where I don’t usually like to look.

    I wanted this personal growth. So, like old and weak leaves from trees in stormy weather, my own limiting beliefs were removed from my mental catalogue and dissolved.

    How do we do this? We take every fear-induced mental image and transform it from a negative to a positive experience.

    I saw myself boarding the plane instead of watching myself construct plausible excuses why I couldn’t go. I pictured myself at the conference, on stage, talking in front of hundreds of people that loved every word I said instead of seeing myself sitting at home in Auckland on the weekend of the conference.

    4. Take action.

    I checked my phone; the ticket sale had started. “This is it,” I thought. “Go for it.”

    After the intense standoff with my own fear, I decided to be gentle with myself. With a deep exhale, I closed my eyes and anchored those positive mental images in every cell of my being until I was ready to take the next courageous step towards realizing my dream.

    And with reassuring peace and newfound freedom in my heart, I purchased.

    What fear is holding you back? Is the danger real or perceived? Can you see a mental image of your dream coming to life? And how can you channel the energy of your fear to take action toward your dream?

    Photo here

  • Letting Go of the Guilt That Keeps You Chained to the Past

    Letting Go of the Guilt That Keeps You Chained to the Past

    “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, guilt, or possessions—we cannot be free.”  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    One night after my nine-year-old son had just gone to bed, he asked me if I would lay with him, as he was scared. I was getting ready for a busy week and was tired, so I replied, “No, you’re fine. Go to sleep.”

    When he died the following afternoon after being hit by a car, I remembered what he’d asked me. The guilt that followed me from that day on was overwhelming.

    Guilt is an emotion that we have all experienced. It can come in many forms, from simply cheating on a diet or from making a dreadful choice that affects our lives forever.

    The guilt I felt after my son died burdened me for several years. Every anniversary, I would go over and over what I hadn’t done during those last few days before his death.

    I would remember every conversation, every request. The guilt beat me up, it made me replay my mistakes, and it wasted enormous amounts of my energy, re-enacting how I could have done something differently. It made me feel bad even when I didn’t feel bad!

    I think one of the reasons it was so hard to give up and let go of my guilt was because I felt the need to punish myself after his death for all the things I hadn’t done in his life.

    I would pretend that if I had made different choices, I could have changed that day.

    People would remind me of all the things I had done for my son and the wonderful life and love he was given, but it wasn’t enough for me. I constantly questioned why I hadn’t done more.

    After a few years, I realized that guilt was consuming me and in order for me to move on, I needed to find a way to let go and forgive myself.

    I was weighed down because I was living a life consumed by the past. Guilt did not allow me to be fully present with my family, or to see all the good that I had in my life then and now.

    I had to face that I was never going to change the past, but I could change the way I remembered my precious time with my son. Once I did, I could free myself from being the victim of my story.

    Guilt was a pointless burden on top of my grief. I needed to accept the decisions that I had made and let go.

    With guidance from a reiki practitioner, I learned how to become still, empty my mind of my negative thoughts, and finally give myself permission to stop carrying this burden.

    Here are some of the ways I learned to let go of my guilt and forgive myself. If you’re also clinging to guilt and living in the past, these may help you, too.

    Stillness

    In our busy world it can be difficult to find time for stillness, and sometimes it’s easier to avoid it, since it can bring up painful emotions. But it’s only in facing the emotions that we can work through them and let them go.

    Through practicing meditation and yoga, I found that breathing deeply and slowly helped me release the stress in my body and mind.

    It allowed me observe, accept, and release my guilt, and it also helped me focus and create new, positive beliefs and thoughts.

    Over time, stillness can help us learn to identify the beliefs and thoughts that lead to guilt so we can let them go to feel lighter and less attached to stories about the past.

    Journaling

    Not long after our son died, I began to write in a journal. It really helped me to express my feelings and understand why I felt how I did.

    Start by writing down your overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to express everything. Be still and take time to read it back.

    Now ask yourself some questions, like: Do I need to hold onto to these thoughts and feelings anymore? How would changing these thoughts or feelings make a difference in my life? How is guilt holding me back?

    Answer honestly and begin to see where you can change the thoughts and beliefs you have about your situation.

    Then start writing down some new goals, affirmations, and thoughts you can have instead, and make time each day to practice them. Our journals can help us release, learn, and keep track of our progress and our goals for the future.

    Visualization/Forgiveness

    Sitting in a calm, quiet place, visualize the person you feel guilty about and ask them for forgiveness. Now, see them forgiving you, see yourself and the other person covered in light, and see yourself no longer burdened by your guilt.

    For a long time I didn’t believe I deserved forgiveness, and you may feel the same.

    Forgiveness means letting go and releasing the heaviness and the old story we have told ourselves. Forgiveness allows us see the truth and release the past.

    It’s hard to forgive yourself and accept that you deserve it, but holding onto your guilt only creates pain. Seek help from a trained practitioner if you feel you cannot do it on your own.

    Time and practice will always be your healer, so be patient and never give up.

    Realize that no one is perfect—and also that our guilt often has more to do with ourselves than those who we feel we have harmed. Guilt is often a self-created reminder of all the things we wish we had done differently for ourselves.

    In realizing that it’s in large part about us, it’s a lot easier to let it go.

    I no longer allow guilt to have power in my life, and in doing so, I can experience the fullness of life and the precious time I have with everyone I love. No matter what you feel guilty about, you deserve that too.

  • 4 Steps to Process Your Emotions So They Don’t Zap Your Energy

    4 Steps to Process Your Emotions So They Don’t Zap Your Energy

    Smiling Buddha

    “Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

    I felt zapped. Depleted. Drained. Out of gas. And I wasn’t sure why.

    • Enough sleep? Check.
    • Enough exercise? Check.
    • Enough nutritious food and vitamins? Check.
    • Health check-ups and tests up to date? Check and check.
    • Reasonable schedule? Check.

    I thought I felt this way because I’d recently had surgery to remove a sizeable tumor.

    But that had gone smoothly, and I was fully recovered and back to my regular schedule.

    However, there was one thing that I noticed since the surgery: I was angry and couldn’t seem to shake it. I don’t think I realized the grip it had on me until I started trying to figure out the source of my low energy.

    I began to wonder if my anger and inability to let go of it could be the cause. I also wondered why I was so angry when the surgery and recovery had gone so well. I should have been happy that the tumor was benign.

    I was in it, but not necessarily conscious of it and not realizing what it was doing to me. The best way to describe it would be an automatic emotional reaction coupled with a lack of awareness.

    I had been zapped by my emotions!

    How we manage and deal with our emotions affects our energy big time.

    Here are four steps to process your emotions so they don’t zap your energy.

    1. Be mindful and consciously aware of your emotions.

    Before we can manage anything, we need to be aware of it instead of acting on autopilot. Awareness puts us in the driver’s seat and allows us to not only engage in the experience, but also decide how we want to respond to it. In this case, we need to realize how the energy of our emotions affects us.

    I noticed that I had been low in energy, and by the process of elimination and observing my behavior, I realized I had been stuck in anger. I had been irritable, argumentative, and overreacting to the smallest things. Once I had observed my behavior, I acknowledged that anger was becoming my main emotional state.

    The next time you catch yourself in an emotional experience, try to notice your behavior and identify the feeling behind it. This will give you insight and a new ability to manage it.

    2. Identify what thoughts are triggering the emotions. 

    Once you’ve observed your behavior and identified the emotion that’s zapping your energy, you need to see what thoughts may be triggering it.

    After I identified that I was stuck in anger, I kept thinking about the surgery and the events that led up to it. I had felt pain in my abdomen, so I went to the doctor and told her this.

    She did a regular check-up and said there was nothing wrong. I was relieved to hear this, and went home and didn’t give it another thought—until I started feeling pain again.

    I went back and told her that I felt pain and I was sure there was something wrong. It was a very strong intuitive feeling. This time she did a quick check and said, once again, “There is nothing wrong with you.”

    I questioned her about the pain, but she rolled her eyes and said, “Ignore it. At a certain age everything starts to hurt.”

    I asked if I should get a test or an ultrasound, but she said it wasn’t necessary, so, despite my intuition, I went home.

    A few days later, I was in pain again and began to think it was my imagination, because a doctor that I trusted said, “Don’t worry; nothing is wrong.”

    My intuition kept telling me I needed to get a second opinion. So I went to another doctor who immediately sent me for a test and quickly scheduled me for surgery after having found a tumor.

    Having gone back through the events, I realized that the few days before the surgery I was livid about what had happened. What if it was cancer? I let precious months slip by because I didn’t listen to my intuition.

    After the surgery, I was so focused on recovering that I guess I just put it out of my mind. After I recovered, the anger set in again, but it wasn’t until I started searching for the cause of my low energy that it started to make sense.

    The thoughts running through my mind post-surgery were: Why didn’t she take me seriously?  How dare she blow me off like that? Why didn’t I challenge her and insist on a test? All these thoughts were triggering anger. I was stuck in it, but not aware enough to figure it all out.

    Always try to connect your thoughts to the emotion you’re expressing. In recognizing the thoughts, you’re able to address them to move through the emotion.

    3. Lean into the emotion and learn from it.

    When we suppress our emotions, we send that energy underground, with toxic effects.

    Don’t suppress your emotions, but also don’t get caught in the energy of them. When we let our emotions hijack us, it’s like we’re on a runaway train. We are not in control. We may get addicted to the surge of emotion and get stuck in it.

    This is what happened to me when I was angry after my surgery; my emotion dictated my behavior, which depleted my energy. When I acknowledged what was happening and leaned into the emotion, I was able to identify the problem instead of just suppressing it.

    When we lean into an emotion, we can learn from it.

    4. Respond proactively to the emotion and transition from it.

    When an emotion lingers, we don’t have to get stuck in it.

    Now when I feel a powerful surge of emotion that I think will hijack my energy and time, I take a deep breath. I then visualize a simple picture with the cause, the emotion I’m feeling, and the action I can take to shift out of it and deal with what caused my reaction.

    For example, if something makes me angry, I visualize anger in a red circle with an arrow pointing to what caused it and another arrow pointing to the releasing action.

    The releasing action usually has two parts: The first part deals with the energy shift. For example, if I’m angry about something, I absolutely have to fit in some form of exercise as soon as possible. Even if I don’t have time and it’s just twenty sit-ups or a quick walk. This releases the energy in a healthy way and clears my mind.

    The second part deals with the cause and what action I can take to address it. In this instance, I promised myself I would always be my own advocate and insist on a test if I feel it is necessary.

    Make this process a habit and it will have a great effect on your energy, happiness, and productivity.

    You can only manage your emotions to the extent that you’re aware of them. Creating awareness gives you the chance to maximize and manage your experience. And by doing so, you can avoid getting stuck and depleting your most valuable resource: energy!

    Have you ever felt like your energy was zapped by your emotions? What helped you move past it?

    Photo by AlexanderStein