Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Are You Missing Out on Life While Checking Your Smartphone?

    Are You Missing Out on Life While Checking Your Smartphone?

    Distracted by smartphone

    “The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    “Yeah…Uh huh…Uh huh…Yeah…No way! Uh huh.”

    This was the response I got when talking to a friend the other day. I could tell he wasn’t really listening, because he was browsing Facebook at the time.

    Why was his smartphone more important than me? It didn’t used to be this way.

    I know I’m at risk of sounding out-of-touch and technophobic. But I really do think this is a much bigger problem than we perceive.

    We’re talking about our lives here. Do we really want to dedicate them to an iPhone?

    Another Smartphone Shocker

    The other day I saw a man on his Blackberry during an entire meal with his family. He was with his wife and young children (although they’ll be adults before long).

    How rare are moments like this? How precious are they?

    Yet, the man let this moment pass him by forever. If only he’d brought his attention to the present moment, he’d have experienced something far more valuable than anything displayed on a three-inch screen.

    And is there any joy in a stroll through the park or along a bustling city street?

    Last year I roughly counted one in five people glued to their phones while walking. And this was on New York’s 5th Avenue—one of the most exciting, alive, beautiful streets I’d ever walked on.

    Was it really so mundane to these people?

    Let me be clear. I’m not suggesting you throw away your smartphone and communicate with telegrams. The smartphone is an extremely useful tool, no question.

    What I’m saying is this: Bring attention to the moments when you reach for your smartphone.

    There are three questions I suggest you ask yourself every time.

    Question 1: What’s the emotion behind this decision?

    I work from home most days, and this wasn’t easy at first.

    I spent a good couple of years completely addicted to my email account. If there was an opportunity to check my inbox, you can bet your best socks I’d have taken it.

    But once I began meditating, I became much more aware of my emotions.

    I soon realized I didn’t check my email to check my email. I checked my email because I wanted fulfillment. I wanted somebody to praise me for good work, send me a dream brief, or tell me something fascinating.

    As you check your smartphone, try to pinpoint the emotion behind your decision.

    Is it anxiety? Boredom? Or are you subconsciously putting off something more important?

    Once you know the emotion, ask yourself: Can this emotion be fulfilled by something else?

    I realized I got the same feeling of fulfillment from writing. So I stopped checking my email first thing in the morning and would write for two hours instead. Since I’m a copywriter, this was doubly beneficial, because it made me better at my job.

    Question 2: What value do I place on this present moment?

    If you show gratitude for the present moment, you might think twice about using your smartphone.

    Riding the bus is a common place to start checking Facebook. The bus is, admittedly, quite boring. You follow the same route every day, and not much seems to happen.

    But what if riding the bus became a wonderful in-the-moment experience? Rather than grab your phone on instinct, notice the passing scenery, the feeling of movement, and the different people who hop on and off.

    This is a moment in your life. Never forget that.

    If you need to check your phone, the bus is a good time to do it. But if you don’t, why not experience the journey?

    Also, remember, if you’re with a friend or relative the present moment has twice as much value. You have someone else to consider.

    Personally, I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to check your phone in someone else’s company. (Unless you have something very serious going on in your life, of course.) Show people how much you value them instead.

    As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”

    Question 3: Can my smartphone really add value to the present moment?

    Before the smartphone, we had something very precious indeed—the unanswered question.

    Your smartphone can answer any question in a couple of seconds. That’s true. But don’t you find it’s the unanswered questions that spark the most interesting conversations.

    Unanswered questions start debates. They enrich friendships.

    The other day I mentioned that the author Jack Kerouac was Canadian.

    “You’re wrong,” a friend jumped in. “He was American.”

    “Are you sure? I swear he was from Quebec,” I replied.

    “I’ll find the answer,” another friend said, withdrawing their smartphone. Presto! Two seconds later, the conversation was over.

    Another time, at dinner, a group of us wondered who composed the Lord of the Rings score. All sorts of interesting topics popped up along the way—from Hans Zimmer to John Williams to Star Wars and back to Lord of the Rings again.

    “I’ll find the answer,” someone said. And again, it was a smartphone that killed the conversation.

    Unanswered questions are uncomfortable.

    Reaching for your smartphone is understandable. Perhaps it’s even human nature. But it’s important to stop, reflect, and question what might happen when you do.

    I believe mindfulness is more important today than ever before. Unless we take control of ourselves, our gadgets will take control for us.

    Notice the present moment. Understand it. Be grateful for it.

    And if you decide it’s not a good time to use your phone, please resist the urge. You’ll feel much happier.

    Distracted by smartphone image via Shutterstock

  • Wanting More Time: Have You Lived Enough?

    Wanting More Time: Have You Lived Enough?

    Woman with hourglass

    “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~Marcus Aurelius

    I remember attending a lecture by the Tibetan monk Sogyam Rimpoche, author of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, in which, smiling all the while, he confessed, “So many people, they say, ‘I’m not afraid of death.’I tell you, they’re lying! Death? Very scary. Me? I’m very scared of death.”

    And I thought to myself, “Phew, if he’s scared, then it’s certainly okay that I’m scared too.”

    For many years after that, I carried a question around with me. “Have I lived enough yet?” Without hesitation my answer was always, “No way! Not by a long shot!”

    And then I’d follow this up with all the reasons why I wasn’t yet satisfied—I hadn’t left a mark on the world, wasn’t married yet, didn’t have children, didn’t know who was going to win this season of whatever reality TV show I was following.

    Even after I had built a decent career for myself, published a book that I know helps others, got married, had two adorable sons, and found out who won that season (and many others) of various TV shows and sports, the question and its familiar response still remained. Had I lived enough yet? No!

    It suddenly dawned on me that, if I continued to think this way, I would never experience fulfillment. I’d never arrive at that mythical destination I’d set out for myself where I’d finally cease yearning for more. Especially now that I had kids, this became abundantly clear.

    I’d always want to see what came next in their lives, to witness each step upon their journey into and throughout adulthood.

    Then if they had kids, I’d want to share as much of their lives as possible too. Feeling so much love in my heart, I knew I’d never reach a place where I’d had enough. I’d always want more.

    Realizing that I was chasing what could never be caught, I stopped to pose myself a new question.

    I asked, “What do I want my last thought in this world to be?” And my answer came back as something like, “I’d want to be thinking, Ahhhhh, that was good… that was nice… that was enough…”

    This new question might not have helped me much, if I didn’t remember something else, namely, that how we live this moment is the best predictor of how we will live in the future.

    So, it then occurred to me that, if I wanted to be thinking I have lived enough in the future, then the best way to get there would be to live with that exact same thought right now.

    Immediately, I started asserting this new notion that, already, I had actually lived enough. After all, there are many humans that are not blessed with the experience of even a second day of life on earth. How greedy was I willing to be? How selfish and ungrateful?

    The deeper this pronouncement that I had lived enough sunk into me, the greater the shroud of fear surrounding death lifted.

    Whether I initially had believed this or not, I slowly grew to the place where I knew, beyond any doubt, that I had lived enough. Yes! I had already lived enough! And, just like that, all my fears vanished and I finally felt free, overflowing with a sense of appreciation and contentment.

    Ever since, I’ve been discussing this concept of “enough” with others in the throes of grief and loss.

    What I explain is that “enough” is always a value judgment, rather than something that can be quantified or measured. It’s about perspective, a determination on our part to choose gratitude for what we’ve been granted over regret for what we have lost or fears about what we might lose.

    This can be tremendously powerful, though admittedly very hard at times. Is it possible to view the death of a young child and understand that he or she lived enough?

    Can a parent suffering through such a loss perceive their abbreviated time with their son or daughter as enough?

    When a friend or parent or anyone else we care about passes away, can we experience the time we had with them as enough?

    The answer is yes. It is possible, if and when we choose to exercise our right to invoke this perspective.

    We can view whatever time we’ve been given through the continually available lens of gratitude, appreciation, celebration, and love. We can understand each moment as a gift, as “enough.”

    To be a human is little short of a miracle. In the limitlessly vast universe of atoms and particles and stars and planets, gases and quarks and molecules, stones and trees and bugs and platypuses, of all the possible manifestations of life that are possible, we have been given the rarest of privileges of experiencing what it is like to be human. That’s cool!

    Just by being here, we’ve already beaten the odds, no matter how many more minutes of this miracle we get to experience.

    We know when we lived enough by knowing this right now, during this and all future moments, even while we crave to drink in as much as life continues to offer us. We appreciate that no more is needed.

    We’re thankful and, from the wisdom of this thankfulness, we smile, at ourselves and all around us. We’ve already lived enough—and that’s a beautiful thing.

    Woman with hourglass image via Shutterstock

  • How to Turn Worries About the Future Into Action Right Now

    How to Turn Worries About the Future Into Action Right Now

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    After years and years of living with anxiety, I can’t tell you exactly what I have been anxious about.

    Is it a pervasive thought about how my life will end? Is it a constant worry about my financial security? Is it simply that I’m nervous to give a speech in front of people? Or a combination of all of them?

    Even thinking about anxiety causes more anxiety. Ahhh!

    Anxiety is also really hard to define. It’s so subjective.

    I don’t think my anxiety will ever truly go away. I still have thoughts about the future, and the “what ifs” still run through my mind.

    I’m not some blissful angel walking around in a constant state of Zen. At least, this is how I imagine how I would be anxiety-free. There doesn’t seem to be a cure for anxiety that works for everyone. If you find one, please let me know.

    However, I know that I am no longer miserable. It’s different now than before. There are some positive things that have worked for me.

    One of the worst parts of my anxiety was that nobody could tell I had it. When I told people, they responded, “Wow, you always seem so calm and put together.”

    That is not how I felt on the inside. Why was what I felt on the inside so different than how others perceived me? I wanted to change this, and I wanted to be comfortable.

    I have found some ways to cope with and significantly reduce my anxiety about the future. Because that is what anxiety is all about—the future. Yet, I experience anxiety in the moment, not in the future.

    Rationally, this does not make any sense. How is feeling anxious in this moment going to fix or solve any problem in the future? It can’t. Oh, how I wish it were that cut and dry.

    However, telling myself this simple fact somehow helps a little. Anxiety isn’t logical. The more I treat it that way, the less I struggle with it. Still, even if it isn’t logical, it is very real.

    I’ve found that small action steps can turn some of these thoughts into real positive change, which helps me be a little more comfortable. The best part is the more you do them, the easier it becomes. It’s like a muscle you need to keep working out.

    Here is a breakdown of action steps to take when you’re worrying about the future.

    First, acknowledge what you’re worried about.

    Let’s say I have constant anxiety about an upcoming work conference where I know I will have to interact with important people. When I acknowledge that I’m feeling anxious, and why, I can then begin to take action.

    Next, ask yourself, what I am actually afraid of, and why?

    Write it out if you’d like. In the above situation for me, it would have been the fear of passing out or throwing up as someone important approaches me or asks me a question. Why? Because I get uncomfortable in social situations and don’t want to embarrass myself.

    Imagine the worst-case scenario.

    My worst-case scenario is sweating profusely and having a room full of people laughing and pointing at me because of it. Oh, and then I’d have a heart attack. Sound crazy? Think about something unusual you have convinced yourself to be absolutely true.

    Move from fear to action.

    Ask yourself, how can I take this fear and turn it into something I can do today—something that will most likely not cause the absolute worst-case scenario to happen?

    We want to increase our odds here.

    How can I break this down into an action that will help?

    In my case, I could approach some friends at work and make conversation; nothing serious, just more than I usually do.

    Or, maybe I could go home tonight and research one of the speakers at the conference to get to know them a little better.

    If I’m feeling really brave, I could volunteer to present something small to a couple of coworkers or even to an all staff meeting.

    Maybe I could sign up for an improv class to get comfortable in front of people.

    Maybe I could just talk to someone I trust about how I’m really feeling.

    The more I take action toward that future moment, the less pervasive my thoughts.

    Think about the desire to become an expert at something. You can ruminate over and over again how you wish you could play the piano, but it won’t make a difference if you never take action and sign up for just one lesson.

    If you can do something of value at your best today, there isn’t anything about the future you need to worry about.

    You see, every single moment becomes another moment, and then becomes another.

    I’ve found that if I can do one action today toward something I am anxious about, and do it my best, that is good enough for me.

    If you take many small actions over time, when the big moment actually becomes the moment (no longer in the future), not only will it become easier to handle, but you’ll most like realize that it wasn’t worth all the stress.

    I like to think of life in this way: I don’t know how it will all end, nor do I want to. I know that I can’t control my fate. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. And that’s okay.

    One thing I do know for sure, if I do my best today I can look forward to a future that’s much better than my worst fears about it.

  • That Horrible Job You Hate Might Just Change Your Life

    That Horrible Job You Hate Might Just Change Your Life

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    Before I started my business, I spent three years at an ad agency and a little over a year at an international furnishings retailer. I also waitressed, wrote freelance articles, designed and developed a church website, and worked in an incredibly boring mailroom.

    Some of those jobs (let’s be honest, most of those jobs) totally sucked.

    In the mailroom, my boss was a sexist jerk with a Napoleon Complex.

    In waitressing, I spent too much of my time being other people’s emotional punching bag.

    And at the ad agency—the most relevant, fun, and useful of my full-time jobs—I worked myself half to death, burning out around the three-year mark and seriously contemplating a simple life spent working at Starbucks and never taking my work home with me.

    Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I would walk around the block and cry my eyes out because I was so exhausted. So you won’t be surprised when I say that I don’t look back on any of those jobs and want to relive them. I don’t think back on them and feel nostalgic.

    And if you told me that you hated your job or even that you loved your job but you’d burned yourself completely out, I’d say, “I hear that, sister!” And then I’d help you come up with a practical plan for quitting and doing something truly spectacular.

    That said, it’s only now that I’m truly working toward what I want, doing the things that inspire me, that I can look back and realize that every single job I had, with every good, bad, and ugly thing about it, led me perfectly to the place I am today.

    Waitressing taught me patience. It taught me how to work with people (even entitled, difficult, or angry people). It taught me not to take everything so damn personally.

    At the furnishings retailer, I learned about account management, event planning, eStore management, and editing content across multiple countries and cultures.

    At the ad agency, I learned how to run my own business.

    I sat with the accountant while she explained how she balanced the books. I worked alongside the designers and developers and learned to speak their language and respect their work. I wrote and strategized content for every format you can imagine. I managed client projects. I flew across the country to present on social media in front of hundreds.

    I also learned the art of the short sentence, the closely edited article. I worked closely with the Creative Director on brand slogans and ad concepts for big brands. And I learned how to sell. Sell my ideas. Sell our services. Sell my expertise.

    I learned that when you’re constantly selling yourself, you start to believe in yourself more.

    In other words, all the tools that made my first business successful were things I learned on the job at jobs that weren’t my dream.

    All the skills I’m using now as a full-time travel writer—my long-time dream job—come from a history of difficult, sometimes heartbreaking work.

    Which is why today I wanted to offer up a little encouragement:

    If you’re in a totally sucky job you hate or even a job that you kinda love but that is zapping your energy and killing your creativity…

    It’s okay.

    Because you never know how those skills you’re developing now might just set you up for future success.

    So, while you’re in that not-so-ideal job, learn as much as you can. Hone your skills. Connect with your colleagues. Go for that award. Volunteer for a task you want to learn more about.

    And in the meantime start looking for or planning for the thing you really want. That job at a company you admire. That career as a freelance creative type. That business idea that’s been coming up over and over again.

    Make a change. Do what you love.

    But also take advantage of what you can now. And remember that you can’t know just how much that job is doing for you until you’ve left it in the dust. The things you do today can change everything…even if you can’t see it yet.

  • Follow Your Heart: Stop Playing It Safe and Start Really Living

    Follow Your Heart: Stop Playing It Safe and Start Really Living

    Girl with Heart

    “If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.” ~Fay Weldon

    After an extremely harrowing time dealing with big life changes while working a very stressful job, I snapped.

    No, I didn’t reach for the nearest stapler and start attacking my colleagues (though this was a secret fantasy when the going got really tough). The words of that song by The Animals came to mind and I decided, “I got to get out of this place.” At least for a little while.

    And so, after much planning, globe spinning, and Google searching, I finally cobbled together an itinerary and nervously asked The Boss Man for six weeks off. Gulp. He said yes! Just goes to show, oftentimes, she who asks, gets.

    Fast forward a few months, the tickets are booked, accommodation arranged, I was off on a solo venture to Central America with nothing but a suitcase of dreams and me, myself, and I for company.

    Sometimes in life you get these crazy whims and suddenly decide to jump in the driver’s seat, grab the steering wheel, and make a hard right from the road of your life. To some, this may involve a lot of nerve and a yearning for adventure, and true, that is a small part of it.

    The other, more interesting part of it for me (for fear of sounding like a bumper sticker) was to feel the fear and do it anyway.

    It was about having faith that things will work out and trusting that the universe has my back. Keep the faith if you will.

    I didn’t know exactly why I was going away but just had a deep sense that this was what I had to do at this time in my life (or face a lengthy prison sentence for assault with a stapler).

    Funnily enough, the whole “the universe has my back” thing became the trip motto, and when I started to obsess over every last logistical detail, I had to give myself a stern talking to.

    “Girl, you don’t and can’t control the world. Let it go, it will all work out. And if not, then at least I tried. To quote that fine and wise Irishman, Samuel Beckett, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” Truly words to live by.

    Once I let go of the expectation of what the experience should look like and put my inner control freak back in her place, the strangest things started to happen.

    I had a small stash of savings lined up that I like to refer to as the “F It Fund.” However, part of the deal with The Boss Man was that I was going to be taking unpaid leave. While paying for my apartment in Brooklyn. Those familiar with the rental market in New York City will feel my pain as I type this.

    I had my apartment advertised for sublet but no fish were biting. Instead of panicking, I just accepted that if I didn’t find anyone to rent my place I would be fine. That’s what an emergency credit card is for. As the young kids say these days #YOLO!!

    Again, once I had given up any attachment to outcome, three days before I was due to leave I had an email from the sublet agent. They had found someone last minute who wanted to rent my place for a month. Hallelujah!

    After much victory dancing in the kitchen, I readied my place for these subletters. I trundled downstairs to check my mailbox only to find a bunch of checks that were overdue to me and I had given up hope of receiving. Taxi! JFK, pronto.

    And so, the moral of this particular story is that sometimes in life you need to stop and listen to that little voice inside that’s desperately trying to get your attention. It’s trying to provide you with the wisdom to trust and follow your heart, not your head.

    Following your heart does not necessarily have to involve grinding your life to a halt and taking six weeks off work to travel; that’s just my experience. It’s about listening within to whatever it is that your heart is telling you.

    It may be telling you to work less and spend more time with your family. Or have more fun in life. Or cultivate more self-care by taking a yoga class on a regular basis, or even taking ten minutes of your day to sit quietly and just breathe.

    Whatever it is, know that in doing so you are subtly making a change. It really doesn’t matter how small or how big.

    Some people might go all out and create huge life changes, such as moving cities, ending a toxic relationship, or changing careers. Some might just choose to create more peace in their lives or remove a bad habit that no longer serves.

    The point is that whatever you choose, if it is coming from your heart know that you will be supported throughout whether you realize it or not.

    The end result might not look the way you anticipated or even have any resemblance to it. The universe works in mysterious ways, but will provide the best for you whether you like the outcome or not; after all, we are here to learn and evolve.

    Just get out of your own way, let go of attachment to outcome, and simply allow.

    Understand that this is a process and we are only human, so do the best you can. I chose to bat this little voice away time and time again, like a persistent fly, focusing instead on my job and generally trying to keep my head above water.

    But that little voice kept getting louder and louder until it was a roar in my ear. “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? I’m not going to stop poking you until you stop and listen.”

    Hands over my ears.

    “Still not listening? What if I push you out onto the corner of Awful Circumstance Ave & Bad Luck Street until you are so stressed out that you have no choice but to hold up a white handkerchief and surrender yourself?”

    It took me quite some time to finally concede, fully surrender, and accept that I had to make some big decisions, and from those decisions, big changes. But finally, cautiously, I stepped out of my comfort zone, peeking my head out much like a bear coming out of hibernation.

    It may feel strange deciding to let that little voice take the reins of your life, even for a short while, and even incredibly terrifying, but so far it’s been the best decision I have made in quite some time.

     Girl with heart image via Shutterstock

  • Emotions Are a Strength, Not a Design Flaw

    Emotions Are a Strength, Not a Design Flaw

    Teardrop

    “Eyes that do not cry, do not see.” ~Swedish Proverb

    Just get over it. Don’t be so sensitive. You should toughen up and grow a thicker skin…

    I’ve heard this advice so much over my life, but I’ve never seen it make anyone happy.

    Advised to toughen up with thicker skins so we can protect ourselves, we end up just bottling it up inside and pushing away how we feel, hoping it looks like we’re strong.

    It’s like trying to avoid our own shadow. We believe it’s gone because it’s behind us, but it’s totally visible to anyone else who cares to look.

    Instead of becoming stronger, this denying and rejecting behavior makes us more susceptible to danger, more fearful and wary, resulting in confusion and unhappiness, because we’ve thrown away the information we need to survive and thrive.

    The Rhino’s Lesson

    While I was in South Africa, volunteering for an animal conversation charity, I found myself in close proximity to a wild rhino in the early hours of the morning.

    She was beautiful.

    With only a few feet between us and little shrub to block her path, she did not seek to fight or flee; she just stood there.

    Although rhinos are quite blind, they have other strong senses, including smell, hearing, taste, external touch, and instinctual felt sense (internal and external nervous systems).

    They have thick, layered, armored skin that protects them from sharp, thorny bushes, but they are not insensitive and tough.

    In fact, their survival and ability to thrive is wholly dependent on their sensitivity.

    She didn’t run or charge because she didn’t feel I was a threat.

    Sensitivity Is Power

    Sensitivity means to be connected and aware of all our senses.

    Our bodies are descendants of mammals, so we’re sensory beings.

    This means, like the rhino, we are designed to use sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch, and felt sense to navigate the world around us and survive.

    This sensory information creates an internal response to everything, including danger and safety, separation and bonding, otherwise known as emotions.

    It’s a fact: We’re all emotional, male and female!

    Unlike our animal cousins, though, we have an evolved conscious awareness to this emotional information, so they become defined as feelings—the language of emotions to which we attach judgment.

    Instead of responding naturally and appropriately to this navigation system, we stress ourselves out, worry, shame, analyze, get embarrassed, get scared, get stuck, don’t act, ignore, or do the total opposite of what our body tells us to do.

    The rhino does not question the sensory information the brain collects; it just acts appropriately either by running away and avoiding the danger or standing still to assess and inquire.

    Or, it might run toward it, threatening with the full force of their size, strength, weight, and their strong, sharp horn. They don’t do this because they are bad tempered but because they must still protect their well-being, even though they are naturally shy, curious, and non-predatory.

    Confusing Safety and Danger

    Our brain continually processes sensory information to inform our responses to a situation or person by encouraging slowing down, moving toward or further away.

    Teaching us to ignore, shame, disregard, and disconnect from this emotional sensory information leaves us unarmed, unprotected, and unsafe. It’s like being in conversation but only talking, never listening, and assuming what the other person thinks and feels.

    The result:

    • We’re unaware of danger, so we don’t know how or when to protect ourselves.
    • We’re unaware or unsure if the people we choose to surround ourselves love, accept, and respect us, or are out to harm, belittle, or control us.
    • We lose the ability to know what is right for our happiness, peace, and love.
    • Our brains rewire to associate fear and danger with safety, and love and kindness with danger and being unsafe, so we seek the wrong thing.

    This would be like the rhino ignoring her survival senses, walking up to a pack of lions, and saying, “Hey, I’m just as big as you, can I come hang out…”

    How A War Zone Becomes Your Norm

    This behavior is most obvious in adults who experienced abusive childhoods or were parented inconsistently by alcoholics, drug addicts, or the mentally unstable, and if they were conditioned to be good girls and boys and shamed for expressing anger, desire, or tears.

    In these environments, a child absorbs the message “Don’t express how you truly feel.”

    If they accepted the sensory information they received, they would have had to accept that their home environment, where they needed to be cared and protected for survival, actually felt unsafe and rejecting to live in.

    It’s unimaginable for a child to acknowledge that the parents who they love might not be safe, even if they come to see a difference in other families.

    They learn not to respond appropriately, as it would result in possible physical danger, punishment, and abandonment. So they disconnect, desensitize, do as they are told, try to please to make it safer, and stop trusting their feelings, because they lie and let them down.

    If they continue this behavior into adulthood, they will keep seeking out the familiar—hurtful, disappointing, painful, unstable, rejecting, or even dangerous relationships and circumstances, to mirror the feelings of childhood.

    Getting Emotionally Reconnected

    I used think women who cried were pathetic. I thought they should just get over it and pull themselves together, as this was how I saw my own emotions.

    Every feeling I had was buried away, unspoken, and unshared, branded as either a sign of weakness (as regards to crying) or unacceptable (if it was anger). I considered every other feeling bad and dangerous.

    My exterior had toughened up until I was cold and as hard as an ice queen.

    I chose abusive lovers, friends, and bosses over and over again, even though when I met them all I had the same uncomfortable, withdrawing feelings. I just ignored them and believed I must be wrong. And I jumped into, at worst, dangerous and, at best, rejecting and unloving environments.

    Part of my self-discovery was learning to get out of my judgmental head and back into my body, and trusting its natural ability to know my boundaries and how to protect myself, so I could begin to make the right choices for my health, well-being, and happiness.

    I sought people who showed me how to demonstrate my emotions openly and gave me permission to feel angry and cry. I came to understand my body’s language, so, if I felt something, I got real and responded appropriately.

    If I felt happy and safe, I smiled.

    If I felt safe and laughed, I opened my mouth wide and laughed wholeheartedly from my belly.

    If someone tried to disrespect me, I called them on it or walked away.

    If I felt desire to touch and be touch, I trusted my intuition.

    No longer confused and distrusting of my sensitivity, I didn’t need to waste my energy fighting and denying how I felt.

    I was now open to love and intimacy, no longer terrified of it as dangerous, or afraid of rejection, because I felt safe in my ability to know and accept the truth.

    I was now listening to the whole conversation and all the information I was receiving, so that like the beautiful rhino I could own our greatest strength of all: our emotional instinct to navigate the wilderness and know who is part of our herd.

    Photo by Francesca Romana Correale

  • How Sensitivity Can Be a Gift (And How to Give it to the World)

    How Sensitivity Can Be a Gift (And How to Give it to the World)

    Sensitive

    “We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.” ~Alan Watts

    Are you good at noticing subtle details? Are you able to learn without really being aware that you are learning? Do you notice other people’s moods? Do these moods affect you?

    Are you sensitive to pain? Are you equally sensitive to beauty?

    If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you, like me, are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Chances are, you are constantly trying to make sense of how being sensitive fits into a world where a certain amount of insensitivity is seen as the key to getting ahead.

    Chances are, you have both deeply valued your sensitivity and pushed away from it. While it makes up the core of who you are, it also makes life complicated.

    Like you, I have struggled with being sensitive. First, it was because I had absorbed the cultural definition of sensitivity as weakness. And then when I did start understanding what being an HSP meant, starting from reading Elaine Aron’s classic The Highly Sensitive Person, I struggled to integrate this knowledge in my life.

    Today, while I still find my sensitivity tricky, I have started seeing it differently. Now, when I think about sensitivity, the picture that comes to mind is of a thoroughbred horse.

    This horse has a lot of nervous energy. It also has many gifts.

    When I can direct this horse properly, it has the capability to perform at the highest standards. But if I misunderstand it, the horse’s energy is scattered, out of control. It can’t even get out of the gate.

    So, how do we guide and direct this horse? How do we gallop out into the world instead of shying away from it? How do we bring our sensitive gifts to life?

    Let’s look for some answers. 

    As sensitive people, we first need to ask: What holds me up?

    At some point in your life, you might have absorbed the words that most HSPs hear: “You are too sensitive,” “You feel too much.” You might have believed these negative injunctions and gone through life in the absence of people who could see your gifts and champion them.

    If you are still looking for those people, now is the time to go on a quest for them. While it may take time to find a friend or adviser, the process of exploring can itself be rewarding.

    As an HSP, I have greatly benefited from being a part of online HSP groups. They help me see that I am not the only one having my experiences. I have also found people walking ahead on the path, and seeing them lead their lives shows me the way for leading mine.

    We all need this—to be seen and validated for who we are. And when we find our believing mirrors, whether HSPs or non-HSPs, we can have the containers that shelter us from the storms of over-stimulation and anxiety.

    And while we are working to find our champions, we also need to move inside and learn how to give ourselves what we need. When I moved from India to the United States two years back, I struggled with exactly this. In the absence of a support network, I did not know how to take care of myself.

    How could I give myself love and attention? Wasn’t it what someone else gave to you?

    Then, out of sheer necessity and through some trial and error, I started getting a glimpse of what nourishing ourselves means. I volunteered as a reading tutor, took photography classes, and embarked on my dream of being a writer.

    In those moments when I felt connected to something bigger, I felt whole. There was nothing missing.

    I started understanding that this was my area of growth, that this is what Elaine Aron means when she says that “part of maturing into wisdom is transferring more and more of your sense of security from the tangible to the intangible containers.”

    So, think of all your safe harbors, all the containers in your life. Do you have enough of the intangible ones—work, faith in something bigger, a spiritual practice? Know that you can create an internal structure that holds you up, that sustains you emotionally even as people move away or life changes.

    Once you have this inner stability, you can ask:

    How do I participate in the world more?

    As an HSP, being on the margins of the culture might have contributed to you feeling “less than.” Or you might have had a traumatic experience that you felt keenly, and you might not have found your way out of it.

    Whatever the basis of low self-esteem, the truth is that without having a basic sense of self, we are adrift. Among other things, one of the reasons that I clung on to my ill-suited corporate job for years was the feeling that I would crumble into nothing without it. And I wasn’t very sure that I deserved something better.

    In his wonderful Honoring the Self, Nathaniel Branden talks about this, and says, “The greatest barrier to achievement and success is not lack of talent or ability but rather, the fact that achievement and success, above a certain level, are outside our self concept, our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us.”

    So, if we don’t believe that we deserve something better, we will often unconsciously put up barriers to getting it. The good news is that we can build our sense of self, brick by brick.

    I strengthened my self-esteem by taking small risks, which grew into something bigger.

    I left my low self-worth job for a better one. I freelanced on the side.

    In effect, I worked hard and took concrete actions to earn my own respect.

    Having once earned it though, it’s important that we keep acting to maintain our self-belief. For some time during my transition to the United States, my sense of self became shaky again. In the last several months, I have started remembering what I had learned—that action builds our sense of self.

    I started to take risks again. One of them was coming out as an HSP through my writing.

    My entire experience of life has been colored by my sensitivity, and yet I felt like it was something I needed to hide, fearful that people would label me. They still might. But I am a little more okay with sharing myself discerningly; reaching out in those spaces where I feel it can be helpful to others.

    Whoever you are, wherever you stand, the task of building yourself up and finding your lost spaces is not going to be easy. But it is going to be worth it when you can stand in your center, and live from that place.

    In the end, the fundamental question that we are all asking is:

    How can I be more of myself?

    As HSPS, we have the additional task of unlearning all that we have learned. We might have adapted in the wrong ways. Instead of learning to manage our feelings of overwhelm, we might have started avoiding the world altogether. Or we might have shrunk inside, hurt at being misunderstood.

    But the world needs people like us—people who can empathize, who care, who can feel others’ pain. It is both our privilege as well as our challenge to learn how to do this effectively.

    We need to take up more space, to show up as who we are. We need to unfurl.

    It’s time to bring our sensitive gifts into this world.

    Photo by Marta Nørgaard

  • 7 Simple (and Surprising) Tips to Help You Realize Your Dreams

    7 Simple (and Surprising) Tips to Help You Realize Your Dreams

    Kid trying to catch a star with a butterfly net. Digital watercolor.

    “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

    It’s tricky sometimes, isn’t it?

    Trying to find our place on this planet.

    Tapping into our inner desires.

    Sometimes we know what we want but not how to get there. Sometimes we know “this isn’t me,” but we have no clue who “me” is. And sometimes we think we’re already there, then something out of the ordinary happens and we realize, this isn’t me at all.

    At each stage there are pitfalls than can keep us looking in the wrong direction, stuck in fear, or stressed about how to move forward.

    I know, I’ve been back and forth through all of them.

    At twenty-five I had a postgraduate science degree and no wish to use it. At thirty-five I wanted to teach, write, and paint, but no idea what form this would take. And at forty-one, my work is read by thousands and every day I receive emails telling me what I do makes a difference.

    (Keeping it real: People also email me and tell me I suck.)

    Through it all, I’ve learned simple laws to help navigate the ups and downs of discovering and following your dreams.

    1. Don’t think about “your path in life.”

    Sounds contrary, doesn’t it?

    Because isn’t that exactly what we should be thinking about?

    Yes, and no.

    Where it can be detrimental is when we stand at the precipice of making a decision and we worry, “Is this my path in life?”

    A path is a track laid down to walk on. A path implies there’s only one way, a preconceived singular course. It implies that you can make a wrong decision.

    Watch it! Don’t step off the path!

    Yes, our life is wonderfully, marvelously one of a kind. No doubt. And trying to make it look like someone else’s is a first class ticket to unsatisfied-ville. But thinking about our path, now, can put unnecessary pressure on us. It makes us feel nervous.

    There are infinite routes to a satisfying, uplifting, life. Whatever decision you make—and have made before—you’re on the right path. It’s all “the path.”

    2. Forget everything your guidance counselor said.

    Do you remember after high school, tossing around a hodge-podge of career options—trying to decide what to do with your life?

    Should you become a podiatrist (have your own clinic), or an actuary (pays well)?

    You talk to other podiatrists. You find out what an actuary actually does.

    You listen to your parents. You seek advice.

    We live in a world saturated with messages about what we should do. There’s nothing wrong with advice. Sometimes. In moderation. You just gotta push it through your “no one but me knows my dreams and desires” filter.

    It’s not that our guidance counselor/parents/spouse/bus-driver don’t mean well. They do. They just don’t know. They can’t.

    And we might not know either, at first anyway.

    Whatever we hanker for, this gives us the greatest joy. And it’s often not some grand thing—that’s our mind (ego) imposing society’s rules.

    I knew a woman once whose three greatest loves were her children, fishing, and next to that, working on an assembly line—she loved the camaraderie and seeing things get done.

    3. Ask this simple question.

    When I was young, if you’d asked me what job I’d like, assuming I had all the skills necessary, I’d have thought it was a trick question. I thought everyone wanted this.

    I wanted to be a writer and painter.

    If only I had been given those talents! And I surely hadn’t. (Can’t draw, painting even more tragic, messy handwriting.)

    I trained in nutrition science. I was even fairly good at it. But I don’t believe it’s what I’m here to do.

    Pay attention to your desires, even when—no, especially when—they seem ludicrous. Roll the idea around in the back of your mind. 

    What life would you choose if you could wave a wand and have every skill that you needed?

    No pressure. Just notice.

    4. Stop worrying about how to get there—or if “there” is even a good idea.

    Human beings are wired for safety. This is why we want our trajectory mapped out.

    An illusion for sure.

    To get to where we really want to go, there is no pre-drawn map. The good news is that we don’t need one! All we need is the next step. And we always know this.

    For instance, say you have the feeling that you’d like to make shoes. Rather than worry about the fact that almost no-one makes shoes by hand anymore, consider, what do you feel moved to do, right now?

    Maybe it’s a simple as ordering a copy of How to Make a Shoe. Or arranging to meet a friend of a friend who’s a clothes designer.

    Big changes come from a series of incremental decisions. Trust that there is a wise hand guiding you (because there is). Take notice of seemingly small inclinations.

    Sure the shoe thing seems far out, but so would most successful ventures when they started.

    5. Learn the difference between an inner desire and unhelpful mind talk.

    Most of us know the value in listening to our intuition. But it’s confusing sometimes.

    Is the voice telling us to buy snowshoes—even though we live in Texas—our intuition? Or is it our mind (ego) fooling with us.

    Here’s how I tell:

    My mind uses logic and likes to copy others. It sounds like: “Bill moved to Italy and now his life is awesome, so I should go.”

    When my heart (intuition) speaks, it’s more like a deep feeling. I can see myself wandering around Rome, eating pizza.

    (Then, what usually happens is that my mind comes up with reasons not to do it—”You’re gluten free, you’ll starve in Italy.”)

    As author Chetan Parkyn says, some people are guided by strong gut feelings that hold true from start to finish. For others, their gut feeling is less sure, and where they find clarity is by taking a tentative step, then reassessing.

    If you’re not sure, dip your toe in. See how it feels.

    6. Be happily confused!

    What if (after everything) we can’t feel the tug of our inner desires? Or, we’re uncertain about the next step?

    Answer: Don’t worry.

    Don’t worry, because the only way to get where we’re going is through uncertainty (and sometimes turmoil). Feeling discombobulated is part of it.

    It’s not a bad thing. Rejoice!

    You’re on your way!

    You might be drawn to actively search for an answer. Or maybe you feel like sitting back and giving it some time. Or a combination.

    Go easy on yourself. Be lazy. Have fun. Try things. Spend time just sitting and being quiet. Spend less time online. Take a job and don’t worry about how it fits into your plans.

    Allow yourself to be in a state of confusion. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s perfectly normal.

    7. Expect to feel afraid.

    Making a lunge for what’s important to us is scary.

    Always is.

    Every time I’ve followed what was in my heart, most people thought I was loopy. But you know what? The voice of derision you most need to watch out for is your own.

    I’ve found these things helpful:

    • Mentoring
    • Not telling people what I’m doing—I didn’t tell anyone about my blog for six months.
    • Reading books like The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield
    • Reading books about others who followed their dreams (or blogs like Tiny Buddha)

    Finding our way is as much about getting out of our own way. Letting go of ideals that have been imposed on us. Taking leaps. Stumbling and getting up. Trusting our inner guidance.

    And remembering, always, we’re doing fine. Even when it seems like we’re making a mess of it. We’re not.

    Photo by Ingo Schmeritschnig

  • Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

    Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

    Stressed

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

    Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by perfectionism? Would you rather not do something if you can’t be sure it will be perfect? Although this kind of thinking doesn’t make much sense, I understand it, because I’ve been there.

    I’d like to share with you some insights that helped me overcome my own deeply ingrained perfectionism and the unhappiness and stagnation it caused me.

    Avoiding perfectionism doesn’t mean avoiding quality work and high achievement.

    I am someone who loves making sure that even the smallest details of my work are right, and that the work I deliver lives up to my highest standards.

    I used to think that the opposite of perfectionism was doing sloppy work, so I tried that for a while, but it really didn’t sit well with me. I don’t know about you, but I like to do something well and make it good quality work, and doing something less than that makes me feel bad.

    If giving your best is what you do naturally, then doing something only half as well as you could just to avoid the trap of perfectionism isn’t going to help you. Trying this has always made me feel stressed because I was going against my nature and because I didn’t like the work I produced. So what to do?

    Who defines your “perfect”?

    I think perfectionism is really fear of being judged by others. It’s actually likely that others will judge us for what we do and say, but in most cases, we can get over it because it’s not so bad—or because we have to.

    However, a perfectionist never looks to compassionate and wise people and imagines how they might judge them! For example, when I am writing a new blog post, I never think of what my grandmother or the Dalai Lama would say about it. (It would probably be something like, “It’s wonderful that you express yourself creatively and try to help others at the same time!”)

    Instead, the people I have in mind are the cynical journalists whose articles I read (which is really my own fault) and the mean and angry people who post anonymous insults in online newspaper forums. I’m pretty sure they would actually hate what I have to say, but why do I pick them as my internal jury?

    This internal process is what I call destructive perfectionism, because it’s a way in which we beat ourselves up and possibly feel so stifled that we never even start our work, or never dare show it to anyone.

    Constructive perfectionism is the fuel you need to move forward.

    Destructive perfectionism stops you in your tracks. Constructive perfectionism allows you to start and do your best—even if a year from now you find it amateurish. That’s how great things get done; you have to start somewhere and work your way up.

    I started getting into strength training, movement art, and gymnastics over a year ago because I wanted to move as capably, strongly, and gracefully as the movement teachers I admire. I soon found that achieving this in a short time frame was highly unrealistic, meaning: For a long time I looked and felt more like an elephant doing gymnastics than an actual movement artist.

    But the vision of what is possible kept me going, and now I am a far better and stronger mover than when I started, even though I am miles away from what I want to achieve. If I had given up after one attempt because it wasn’t perfect, I’d still be a couch potato!

    In my journey away from perfectionism, I also stopped beating myself up and driving myself so far that I came by several injuries, and started enjoying the movement and the small progress I made every day.

    Maybe I will never reach the kind of athletic ability and grace that I long for, but I am enjoying the process so much and doing my health a big favor. So I hope you take this to heart and start enjoying yourself by doing what you love and giving it your best.

    Life is too short to miss out on the pleasure of doing something well just because others might judge you or you might not get it right. As they say: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

    Photo by Helga Weber

  • Doing What’s Best for Us Even If Other People Don’t Like It

    Doing What’s Best for Us Even If Other People Don’t Like It

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I got the call late one Sunday afternoon while sitting at work. “Babe, your toilet tub and shower are backed up.” What?

    “It’s bad babe, and getting worse.” Okay, I thought, I’ll call my landlord.

    “Hello, this is so and so and you’ve got my voicemail. Please leave me a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

    Damn. Answering machine. Message left.

    Text message time. Left that one too.

    I wrapped up work and raced home. Yuck. It was bad. And like my partner mentioned, getting worse by the second.

    Another call to my landlord gave me another voicemail. Another text followed this time by an email. Still nothing.

    “Babe, you should call a plumber.” My landlord doesn’t like the idea of me calling a plumber on my own. I know this from past experiences.

    “But babe, she’s not returning your texts or calls.” Good point. And it was getting worse. For all I knew my landlord was on a plane heading to Europe.

    Plumber found. One last text to my landlord before I called, saying if I didn’t hear back from her that I was going to call a plumber on my own. Fifteen minutes later I made the call. Anxiety rising.

    Plumber said they would be there in thirty minutes. Ten minutes later my landlord called. No exaggeration to what I’m about to quote.

    “You’re threatening me!?” I wasn’t threatening you. “You call and text and call and text and threaten me!?” I didn’t threaten you.

    “I’m at a Christmas party and I have to deal with this!?” I was shaking. Like a scared little kid getting yelled at by an angry parent.

    “Maybe you should find a new place to live!” I couldn’t even get a word in. “If that plumber comes out that’s on your dime, not mine! It’s probably not even that bad.”

    The plumber showed up. Said it was that bad. That it was a health safety hazard and he couldn’t leave me like that, even after I told him about my landlord, who by the way showed up ten minutes later. Still pissed and blaming me for interrupting her evening.

    “I’ll have someone out in the morning,” she said in a not so nice tone.

    Someone did come. Problem was fixed. Life went on. Comfortably uncomfortable.

    Earth to Zachary. Come in Zachary. This is your wake up call.

    Do you copy? Zachary, do you copy? It’s time to move out of your apartment!

    You don’t deserve to be treated like this! Deep sigh. I copy. I think.

    My girlfriend asked why I didn’t end the phone conversation while the landlord was yelling at me. She said most people wouldn’t let someone speak to them like that.

    I’m not like most people. In fact, for the better part of my adult life I’ve stayed in and returned to painful relationships.

    Four months later and I’m still here. Still comfortably uncomfortable. A prisoner in my own apartment. The apartment I pay for on time each and every month.

    I’m a good tenant. Probably too good, as I allow myself to get pushed around. Almost like I’m bullied.

    Instead of my milk money, I’m giving the bully my rent money. Same thing. Different age.

    Where’s my voice? It’s time for me to stand up for myself. To show up as a man.

    See, I’m always afraid of how the other person is going to react, in this case, my landlord. I can see clearly how fear reverts me to a child like state, afraid of the angry parent. It paralyzes me.

    I have to remind the precious inner child that he did nothing wrong. That he wont get spanked for being a bad kid.

    Okay. Moment of truth. I’m about to send an email finally giving them my thirty-day notice.

    Check in time.

    My body has a surge of adrenaline racing through it. My fingers are almost shaking while I type. Heart beating quickly. Head feels like it’s in a vice.

    It’s just an email Zach. Just an email.

    My landlord can’t hurt me. I’ve done nothing wrong. I have the right to pick and choose where I’d like to live, as well as how I’d like to be treated.

    Deep breath. Let it out. Press send.

    Sent. The part of me that lives in fear is waiting for a quick response. For punishment. “How dare you!”

    I don’t like this part. It’s where I wait for the repercussions of my actions, the part where I drift off into assumption. Like this random thought: My landlord showing up at my place and changing the locks on my apartment. Why? Because I’m leaving and she’s mad at me.

    Wow, that’s a whole lot of assumption. A great big ugly pool of it. Yep. And if I’m not careful I’ll be swimming in it for hours.

    Zach, it’s okay. You sent a kind and heartfelt email thanking her for letting you live there. Someone else’s thoughts and feelings are not your responsibility.

    How is this growth for me? Hyper sensitive to another’s feelings, I’ve stayed in relationships way longer than I should have. A lot of us do.

    Out of fear. Fear of someone being mad at us. Fear of someone being hurt and disappointed. Folks, when we do this we’re only hurting ourselves.

    Bottom line, we can’t be the best person we can be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own. What the other person thinks of us is none of our business. If we can detach with love and our side of the street is clean, the rest is up to the other person.

    All we have to do is suit up, show up, and walk through our fears. Lean into our discomfort if you will. Walking through our fears will set us free from the bondage of our minds.

    It’s called having faith and knowing that we are enough, just we are. Faith that we will be just fine so long as we show up and do the work. It’s an everyday practice, and we are worth it.

  • Stop Worrying About What Other People Think and Be Yourself

    Stop Worrying About What Other People Think and Be Yourself

    Be Yourself

    “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” ~Oscar Wilde

    Confession: I’m a master wallflower.

    In high school, a friend and I decided to skip our dreary computer class and roam the halls instead. The following day, our crabby teacher immediately reprimanded my friend for skipping class. I sat directly next to her, giggling and rubbing it in her face.

    The teacher didn’t even know my name, let alone that I had skipped his class the previous day. I rejoiced in my anonymity thinking, “It pays to be unknown.”

    To an extent, it was true. My friend was so disruptive and chatty that she couldn’t avoid trouble if her life depended on it. However, I didn’t just get away with things; I missed out on things.

    You can’t float through life anonymously. If you try, you’ll simply be dubbed as whatever people assume you are. (Spoiler alert: It’s usually inaccurate.) Sometimes you just have to be an active participant instead of an idle observer.

    The problem for me was that my needs always felt too obscure and alternative to everyone else’s.

    I attended a school where the teachers were keen on force-feeding us religious beliefs, which went against my need for tolerance and openmindedness. Thus I began to feel defensive expressing myself, assuming I’d be met with blank stares or opposition.

    Stop Tiptoeing

    You’d be hard-pressed to find a self-improvement resource without an encouraging reminder to “be yourself.” Why is that such a common struggle? What affects us so pervasively as we age, that remaining our “true selves” becomes a cryptic chore?

    Other people. We become more and more aware of other people: what they expect, what they want, what they think.

    Before you know it, that incredibly simple act of “being oneself” suddenly becomes a muddled minefield, where each person’s opinion of you is a potential explosion.

    So, it’s best to just tiptoe around, right?

    Not really. Being closed off is unsustainable, ineffective, and quite frankly, exhausting. It leaves you with a surplus of protection, but very little fulfillment and growth.

    Consider this liberating fact: You’re allowed to need things. You don’t have to apologize. It’s an obvious but effective reminder if you find yourself neglecting your needs.

    Some people only realize this after decades of failed tiptoeing, and sadly, some never realize it at all. But what does being yourself have to do with your needs? From my experience, when you don’t unveil your authentic self, you don’t get what you need.

    While others will occasionally know what’s best for us before we do, we’re often far more capable of deciding what we need. No matter how intelligent or well intentioned someone is, they may not understand what’s best for you.

    Assessing Your Needs

    Over time, I’ve realized that one of my greatest needs is good communication. When I’m detached and don’t have a solid circle of people to confide in, I get stressed very quickly.

    When our needs are fulfilled, we’re able to be who we are without restraints. Whether emotional or physical, our needs will make themselves known if we pay attention.

    1. Stop right now and think of something that you need and don’t have.

    It can’t be materialistic like a TV or a new purse, but something that the “real” you deeply needs. Maybe you’ve never even admitted it aloud to anyone, for fear they’d reject it or talk you out of it.

    2. Now give yourself complete permission to obtain whatever it is.

    If you’re anything like me, you may feel a peculiar weight being lifted from you—one that should’ve never been there in the first place.

    To assess yourself, just think of the people in your life who have achieved fulfillment. If you have any negative feelings like resentment or envy towards them, you’re probably not getting what you need. Otherwise, wouldn’t you be happy for them?

    Back to the Basics

    It’s hard for us to be our “true” selves because our true selves are innocent and vulnerable. Nowadays, vulnerability is about as fashionable as a fanny pack collection.

    We can edit photos of ourselves in Photoshop or post brief statuses about our lives that give the impression of flawlessness. We reject vulnerability in favor of impressions, making it harder for our authentic selves to emerge.

    As adults, it’s easy to let fear, anger, and sadness fill the hole of our unfulfilled needs. This can throw us off course, causing us to forget the original direction we once had in our youth. Thus, it’s primarily about piecing together the fragments, and as a wise baboon named Rafiki once said, “remembering who you are.”

    Being your authentic self doesn’t require you to add anything new to your life. It only requires you to subtract the things that are harmful, distracting, and unaligned with your goals.

    Your ability to be yourself is proportionate to how well you know yourself. For many of us, it may require a serious assessment and difficult decisions.

    In short, if your only reason for not achieving something is that other people won’t understand, that’s no reason at all. If what you want will help you grow, it’s your right and your responsibility to obtain it.

    Photo by Carlos Pantoja

  • Why We Don’t Need to Feel Bad About Feeling Bad

    Why We Don’t Need to Feel Bad About Feeling Bad

    “Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.” ~Mooji

    I once thought that the goal of meditation was to reach a state of constant positivity, a natural euphoria in which a person simply does not get angry or depressed.

    I think that a lot of people begin practicing meditation thinking that their teacher has reached this euphoric state of being. I have learned, though, that these negative feelings are never permanently banished from anyone’s mind.

    As someone that has been struggling with anxiety and depression disorders since early childhood, I turned to meditation as a teenager as a means of treatment.

    I assumed that one day I would master meditation and never feel depressed or overly anxious again. I have been practicing on an off for eight years and have completed a meditation teacher certification course, and guess what. I am still human. I still get angry, depressed, and anxious.

    What meditation has taught me is that there is no such thing as a negative feeling. All feelings are natural and necessary, no matter how unpleasant they may be.

    Instead of resisting your feelings and the circumstances leading up to them, accept them. Only after you accept your feelings can you let go and move on. Resisting and stifling your feelings only keeps them with you longer.

    I realized this after reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

    I tried to do everything that the book said to do. Making lists of things that I was grateful for was easy, and so was saying “thank you” all of the time. One thing that I could not agree with, though, was the author’s assumption that negative feelings are a result of being ungrateful.

    Even on my worst days, I am grateful for the life that I have. I am grateful for who I am and the people around me. My negative feelings are caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, and listing things that I am grateful for doesn’t help because I already know that my life is good.

    For some people, depression comes the same way a headache would, and accepting the feeling and letting it go is much more effective than trying to stifle, resist it, or act like it isn’t there.            

    Look at the Earth, for example. Should the Earth try to resist winter, simply because summer is more pleasant? Wouldn’t it serve the Earth better to accept winter, trusting that summer will come again?

    If we weren’t meant to feel anything that is unpleasant, winter would not exist.

    Nature is beautiful; think of blue skies, flowers, beaches, and hot summer days. Nature can also be scary. For example, volcanos, hurricanes, tornadoes, typhoons, thunder and lightning destroy towns and cities and kill thousands of people.

    There is good and bad in everything and every person on this planet. You, like the Earth, are a Yin Yang. Do not feel bad about being angry or upset. Instead, celebrate the good things about you.

    Accepting your feelings and letting them swallow you whole are two different things, though. That is where meditation comes in.

    You sit there and focus on your breath, the sounds around you, and the present moment. If feelings of sadness arise, notice them, let them be, but do not attach yourself to the feeling.

    Do not think, “I feel sad. I should not feel sad.” Instead, simply let the feeling exist, and before you know it, it will be gone. You are not your thoughts and feelings; they are simply experiences. Just because it is happening in your mind that doesn’t mean that it is a part of you.

    Before I came to realize all of this, I felt bad about myself for not being able to reach this superhuman state of constant positivity that a lot of yoga and meditation teachers seem to purposely project in order to glorify their practice and attract new customers.

    Your teachers get angry and upset sometimes, too; some of them just don’t want you to know it. The standard of constant positivity that I was trying to reach actually hindered my progress and made me feel worse after a meditation session.

    If you are experiencing this, stop trying to be perfectly positive. It’s impossible. There’s no reason to resist your “negative” feelings, or feel bad for having them. You are a Yin Yang, as we all are—and there’s nothing wrong with that.

  • The Power of Silence: How to Free Yourself from Painful Thoughts

    The Power of Silence: How to Free Yourself from Painful Thoughts

    “Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at anytime and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    As a child, I hated when someone told me to sit still and be quiet, and rightly so. I was young and full of energy; every minute of being still and silent was a minute of missing out on this magnificent life.

    Then, as I grew older and entered into teenage and young adult years, it grew into a fear with a capital “F” of being still and silent; for as soon as I was quiet and still, the noise in my head got increasingly louder and more powerful.

    If the chatters of my head were beautiful, joyful, and empowering, that would have been uplifting. But they were voices of judgment, negativity, and self-loathing, nothing else.

    To me, those chatters, voices, and thoughts were me. My head would chatter day and night, even in my sleep. Noise, heaviness, thinking, and more thinking, sometimes my head felt like it was about to explode.

    I wasn’t even aware I was thinking. I was just on autopilot. I would act and react and get triggered into waves of emotions and feelings, which churned into more turbulence, heaviness, and weariness.

    Everything became dysfunctional because I couldn’t interact effectively with people or life. My whole reality, both inside and outside, was warped.

    I was a paranoid, fearful, self-loathing, neurotic human being, so my life and world were full of fear, anger, and depression. Life was an endless battle, as everyone and everything was always against me.

    I got to the point of total exhaustion. I eventually lost all coherence and overdosed on pharmaceutical codeine painkillers, just so I could have peace, silence, and rest. I was totally depleted, and I felt I had lost my battle with life.

    Lying in the hospital, slipping in and out of consciousness, I deprived someone else who was probably critically injured and in need of the bed. But I had a moment of peace and silence because I left my body and head.

    As I stood and looked at my weary body and still very heavy head, I was in the silence. At that moment, the question arose, “If I can see and look at the ‘me’ lying on the bed, then I must not be ‘me,’ so who am I?”

    Of course, I never spoke about this or they would have said I was having hallucinations and sent me straight to the loony bin.

    Amazingly, I survived and took off far away where I couldn’t be found, nor forced to take medication. It was inevitable; I had started on the quest. I had to find that silence again, for it was real.

    What was that silence and stillness that I glimpsed? I knew from that day on there was something more. Over the course of the following years, I rediscovered and nourished that silence, and it grew to be my anchor, healer, and guide. Here’s what I learned.

    Nature’s core is silence.

    Make time for yourself every day to connect in some way with nature. Walk barefoot on the grass, swim in the ocean, watch the sunset, stroke an animal, or even weed the garden. Submerge yourself in nature, and you will experience silent, unconditional, utter bliss and peace from your core.

    Every time I’m in nature, I find that time literally stops and thoughts quiet. All that’s left is the beautiful sounds of birds chirping, water trickling, winds howling, and all the gaps of nature’s silence in between.

    Feed and grow that silence.

    Reading spiritual books or articles, listening to enlightened masters, practicing yoga or qigong, listening to music that you resonate with, dancing and moving your body will feed and nourish your silent core within.

    Meditation is the ultimate channel and food for inner silence. However, unlike nature, which is effortless silence, meditation may be slightly more challenging. Sitting or lying there unmoving and in quietude, the brain may seem anything but silent or still.

    I used to find that whenever there was drama in my life, my brain would get louder. The thoughts were more controlling and dominating, the emotions more intense, and my energy zapped. It was almost like my thinking brain was sucking up all the energy from my entire body.

    But I continued to feed and grow that silence by persisting and holding in quiet meditation, or nourishing it through active meditative activities that anchored it.

    Trust the silence.

    Even if the silence was minuscule, I always chose to stay in it. The less attention I paid to the thinking mind, the softer and dimmer the thoughts became, and the more the silence and stillness grew.

    Instead of resisting or fearing your thoughts, simply be aware. Allow them to be, but don’t attach to them. You have a body that feels and a brain that thinks. They are a part of you, but they are not you.

    In silence, you become aware that you have the freedom and power to choose the types of thoughts you wish to entertain and empower, and the thoughts you wish to ignore and diffuse.

    Silence and stillness came hand in hand. Together, they were my best friends. I loved my early mornings and nights just before bed, for when I shut my lids in meditation I disappeared into the void of peace, stillness, and silence, my essence.

    Silence and stillness are teachers.

    In silence, my head was lighter and clarity emerged on its own accord. Unfathomable strength revealed itself, which helped me let go of my painful past, forgive those who had hurt me, release pent-up emotions, and unfold into compassion and my true nature of unconditional love. Through the healing, my silence is now infused with deep wisdom.

    —

    Sometimes, like myself, you may find yourself careless and allow this connection with your silence to lapse. Perhaps your excuse might be, “No time, too hard, later, tomorrow, next week, after I finish this project, after I solve that issue. Life’s too good right now, I’m fine so I don’t need it.” Then bang!

    A big wave inevitably comes along, catches you off guard, and dumps you straight into the mouth of the controlling mind again. The silence may shrink and disappear. That’s only human.

    Hold yourself in the space of compassion and return to the voice in the heart. That will lead you back into silence and stillness. The voice in my heart is the silent voice, no words, simply a knowing.

    The more I listen and follow, the stronger it becomes. It has about it an air of strength, love, wisdom, and joy. It works magic, it leads me to meet people I am meant to meet, go to places I am meant to go, and do things I am meant to do.

    With devotion and commitment, the work of maintaining and sustaining your silence will naturally become a joyful routine and not a chore.

    There will also come a day when there is only silence and stillness, and that is all. All else arises out of that silence. And flow emerges. The result: Reverence, unconditional peace and love, and infinite possibilities.

    What does this mean? You transcend your limited physical reality, know the true bigger picture, and now integrate your wisdom and truth into manifesting your soul purpose in life.

  • Why We Talk More Than We Listen and What We Gain When We Stop

    Why We Talk More Than We Listen and What We Gain When We Stop

    Conversation

    “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” – Brene Brown

    I like to talk. A lot.

    It’s how I get ideas and work through concepts I’m not quite clear on. It’s how I get myself motivated or calm myself down.

    If you let me, I would probably talk your ear off all day. As a creative grasshopper, my mind runs a mile a minute, and has no shortage of ideas to explore.

    But a conversation in which people are talking, but not listening, is not really a conversation. It’s selfish, unsatisfying, and does absolutely nothing to build real connections.

    As much as I like to talk, what I really want is to connect.

    I talk about what I do because I crave appreciation and admiration. I want to inspire someone.

    I talk about what’s on my mind because I want to know that I’m not alone. I want to feel accepted and validated.

    I talk about what I know about anything because I want to show that I have something to offer. That I’m worth listening to, and wanting to be around.

    But no matter how much I want to be accepted, loved, and appreciated, over the years I have learned that talking is not always the way to get these things.

    For a talkaholic, talking is asking: for attention, praise, acceptance, love.

    But talking is not really giving. It feels like giving to us, but it isn’t.

    I may think that by telling my friend about what I do I’m inspiring her, but she has other worries and blocks that are keeping her from ever applying what insights she may gain from my overly generous monologue.

    I may think that by espousing my opinion about everything under the sun I’m showing that I’m a worthy conversation partner, but people have their own opinions, and feeling like their opinions are heard is much more valuable to them than listening to mine.

    It took many years of being bullied and feeling alienated before I realized that my strategy for getting me the things I wanted was backfiring and getting me the opposite.

    I used to kick myself for that. Why couldn’t I learn faster? Why couldn’t I just be there already?

    Just like every engrained habit, I realized that talking too much and listening too little was comfortable, even if it didn’t feel that way.

    The reality is that listening is much more vulnerable for me than sharing even my best kept secrets.

    When I’m listening, giving the other person my full attention, holding space for them, I feel vulnerable because they have control over the conversation.

    All of a sudden, I’m left open and naked.

    My thoughts are free to race, and keeping them focused on the other person is tough, just like meditating. Talking a mile a minute is so much easier.

    By not spouting out my ideas and beliefs, I’m letting the other person form their own opinion of me. Instead of trying to direct it. I am “just me,” and I can’t put on a mask through my words, opinions, and knowledge.

    A long time ago I made a commitment to be minimalistically myself—naked and raw, unapologetically open and authentic. No excuses. No drama. No frills.

    On this journey of rediscovery I learned that my true self does not need a mask.

    I don’t need to let my ideas and systems march forward to create a better impression. I now know that everyone else is just as broken as I am, and the cracks only have as much importance as you give them.

    I don’t need to always share a story of my own in order to connect. My heart knows how to connect without my help.

    I don’t need to give everyone the brilliant solution they need. I’ve learned that I can be most helpful when I just give people the space they so desperately need; then they are free to discover their own solutions, and are much more open to seeing and implementing them.

    Learning to listen is a lifelong journey, one that is definitely not easy for a talkaholic like me. But the joy that comes with the rewards makes up for the pain and effort. Achievements are, after all, only worth as much as the time put in.

    Talking about my achievements, opinions, conclusions, and lessons learned is a lot of fun. But listening for an hour, really connecting, fully being there, and watching the other person relax, unfurl, and bloom is priceless.

    What changes have you made to become a better listener? What have you learned about yourself along the way?

    Photo here

  • Some Things Take Time: Slow Down and Stop Pushing

    Some Things Take Time: Slow Down and Stop Pushing

    Silence and Stillness

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As life speeds up, as we check our phones and Twitter feeds for instant gratification, as we seek out another spiritual practice in the promise of evolving even faster, we have lost sight of something quite fundamental.

    Some things just take time. This can apply to relationships, business, and, in my experience, it especially applies to spiritual awakening.

    Yes, our practices such as meditation, dance, service, and energy work can support us on our soul journey. But rushing our development can even result in us taking one step forward and two steps back.

    And, most importantly, it will likely just happen anyway—if we get out of the way and allow it.

    I know this firsthand.

    When I felt the call to start developing my spiritual practice, the quirks of my overachieving personality took center stage. I quickly found out that there were sankharas to pluck out, energy centers to unblock, past life traumas to heal, and old soul contracts to wrap up.

    And I wanted this all sorted out ASAP, thanks.

    So I went from an occasional meditation practice to spending upward of two hours on the cushion every day, and chanted several times a week.

    I spent every single spare moment practicing and developing my newfound energetic skills. I declined social invitations so that I could concentrate totally on the latest text that had fallen into my hands.

    I don’t regret any of this. I learned a lot and it was my path.

    But after a couple of years, I realized that my approach to my practice was perhaps a bit obsessive; that it could just be another manifestation of the way that I had been living before “waking up,” as I had termed it.

    I thought that if I threw all my might at my spiritual evolution, then I might master this new way of being more quickly, and more effectively. Yet under the guise of spirituality, I was just playing out my old patterns.

    The result? I was increasingly ungrounded. I spent days feeling totally knocked around by major energetic “clearings.”

    I was slowing myself down, or at least not really assisting the flow of what wanted to move through me. And I was just as over-the-top about succeeding as ever, this time, at my practice rather than in my career.

    I eventually realized that spiritual evolution is not like a report or book that you can write faster if you stay up late. You can’t force this type of evolution. It’s not the type of thing that you can control.

    This type of evolution is perfect. It’s like a delicate flower, which unfolds at its own pace, to the rhythm of its own internal clock.

    I came to this gradual realization, surprisingly, while pursuing a doctorate in women’s well-being and justice after violence.

    This involved deconstructing everything I knew—being prepared to ask the hard questions and receive the answers; asking some big questions of myself, too, and being prepared to hear the answers.

    It really involved a deepening of my understanding of myself and my spiritual practice. I started to appreciate which of my old patterns I had been inadvertently repeating, and which of my tendencies were actually not serving me.

    The doctoral process also taught me how to play the long game and how to let go—working alone every day and inching along with my ideas; waiting for months, sometimes, to receive any feedback from my supervisors; spending months and months writing thousands of beautifully edited, referenced words that never made it into the final product.

    Now, there are much less resource-intensive ways to learn this than through pursuing an advanced degree. Just bringing your awareness and being honest about whether you are playing out your existing patterns is the first step.

    And if you notice that you have a tendency to rush your process, make the decision to slow down. Once you realize that the timing of your expansion, or growth, or awareness is perfect, you will relax.

    When you fully internalize that the journey is just as important as the destination, you’ll know that you’re on the right path.

    In relaxing, and in getting out of my own way, I’m much more receptive. I don’t worry about how long things will take. I trust that it will all happen perfectly.

    I don’t push as hard now, and yet more opportunities seem to fall into my lap. My creativity flows. My life is much more fun. And my experiential understanding and my practices continue to deepen.

    It’s actually quite magical.

    Life becomes easier and far more fulfilling when we slow down and let things happen instead of pushing ourselves to make things happen.

    Photo by Lisa Omarali

  • When You’re Frustrated by a Delay: 8 Reasons to Appreciate It

    When You’re Frustrated by a Delay: 8 Reasons to Appreciate It

    Waiting

    “All great achievements require time.” ~Maya Angelou

    We all have a picture of what we want in our heads.

    We get attached to a timeline for achieving it. We fantasize about the results and how it will bring us happiness.

    We begin to work hard to attain it.

    But when we don’t get it right away, we get frustrated. We want things to move as quickly as possible.

    If we want a relationship, we want to find our perfect partner as soon as we can. If we’re building a career or a business, we want success in months. If we want to master a skill, we expect to get good after several weeks.

    Right now, I’m in this in-between stage.

    I’m in between getting my dream off the ground and where I want it to be. Because my dream hasn’t materialized yet, there are days where I lose motivation, because deep down I feel that if it’s not happening yet then maybe it isn’t for me.

    I hate waiting; I hate this grey area zone that I’m in.

    I want the results now. I want the validation. I want to make sure that I’m not wasting time and that what I’m doing means something.

    But I’m learning that it doesn’t work like that.

    When we resist this period of time, it creates a lot of anxiety, but if we look closer we may find that the delay actually contains great lessons for us.

    I’ve been trying to live a more intentional life of happiness and meaning. But the anxiety I’m feeling doesn’t align with what I say I want—and it’s not even getting me closer to it. In fact, I’m creating more delay. I procrastinate, I resist, and I sulk.

    So I’ve made a conscious decision to understand the lessons.

    It was difficult at first, especially since I felt that “must have it now” feeling. The last thing I wanted to hear was that I needed to wait some more. I resisted this because I deluded myself into thinking that if I ignored it, perhaps things would move along at a faster speed.

    But over time, as the lessons got clearer, I got more inner peace and reassurance that things are moving at the right time.

    What can we learn from delays?

    1. A delay is an opportunity to let go of attachment to outcomes.

    When we let go of our attachment to specific outcomes, we’re better able to concentrate on our craft.

    This is something to appreciate, because what happens if the result isn’t what you imagined it to be? Will you stop creating? Will you stop working on your passion?

    2. A delay can help us realize how badly we want it.

    Do you want it badly enough to keep working at it despite not getting the immediate result you want?

    3. A delay can help us build a stronger foundation.

    It prepares us and helps us develop our muscles.

    Get better at your craft. Figure out ways you can better use it to serve others.

    We practice and learn during this waiting period so that when the time comes, we are equipped to handle it better.

    4. A delay can teach us to think outside the box.

    When our way is not working and we’re cornered, it can force us to come up with new ideas and new ways of doing things.

    5. A delay can teach us to accept that anything worthwhile takes time.

    It takes time for things to grow. It takes time to build trust. It takes time to build anything.

    The sooner we get this, the sooner we’ll free ourselves from anxiety, and the faster we’ll focus on doing what we need to do.

    6. A delay can teach us to be productive while waiting.

    When we’re able to accept that some things are out of our control and that things don’t always happen as fast as we’d like them to, we’re better able to be productive, since we’re not overwhelmed and distracted by fear and anxiety.

    7. A delay can teach us to acknowledge and appreciate progress.

    With conscious effort, I am able to see my accomplishments and all the progress I have made so far instead of discounting it just because I’m not yet where I want to be.

    This is important because it’s removed the resistance that kept me from doing the work I needed to do; plus, I feel more fulfilled.

    8. A delay can teach us to be grateful for what we will receive.

    Because I have put in my sweat and tears in starting my dream from the ground up, I will make sure I will do whatever it takes to nurture it and not take it for granted.

    —

    A delay it not a denial. Just because something isn’t happening now, that doesn’t mean it’s not for us.

    I still get impatient but it’s getting easier, because I know that a delay can serve a greater purpose, and our greatest good.

    So, if you’re going through a tough time right now and something isn’t quite materializing yet, hang in there. Find reassurance in knowing that a delay can actually benefit you.

    You may not see it now, but hold on to this faith. This will help you find inner peace and enable you to keep taking action so you can get closer to what it is you want.

    Photo by Luz Adriana Villa

  • When You Want More Love and Support in Relationships

    When You Want More Love and Support in Relationships

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    For years, I felt unfulfilled in my relationships. I often felt drained, and as if I was the only one giving and doing things for others.

    I couldn’t quite understand what I was doing wrong and why relationships were so challenging for me. All I wanted to do was to feel loved and supported. Why couldn’t I get that?

    Then, nearly three years ago, after a bad breakup and a ton of other relationship challenges, I reached a breaking point. I knew I had to make some serious changes, so I found myself a therapist, a ton of self-help books, and a few other self-development professionals.

    Through this journey, I’ve learned several lessons that have helped me find and create the fulfilling relationships that I have today. Here are four lessons I learned.

    1. We have to accept people where they are.

    Even though I wanted more depth, intimacy, and support in my relationships, I had to learn to accept that others didn’t always want the same things I did; or, they did want the same things, but they were simply not ready for them at that point in time.

    In learning this lesson, I was able to let go of idealistic dreams that some people would one day change and appreciate those relationships for what they were.

    Many times we are unfulfilled in relationships because we are lying to ourselves. We choose to reject what is while clinging to our own idealistic dream of what could be.

    When we accept relationships as they are, we open the door to connecting with others who are able to give us what we know we deserve.

    2. Love begins on the inside, not the outside.

    One of my all-time favorite passages on love begins, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” When I was younger I interpreted this as though I had to find someone who was patient and kind, not jealous or boastful, and so on.

    I thought it was telling me that I had to judge other people according to that criteria to determine if it was truly “love” or not. I thought it was about seeking it in the external world.

    Then, when I heard this verse a couple years ago at a friend’s wedding, I had a huge “ah ha” moment: This verse has nothing to do with looking for these traits in other people. It’s telling us that this is the love that we can find within ourselves. 

    It is the love that makes this universe exist and keep it together. It is a love that we all possess.

    We are not meant to seek love externally in the world but to connect to it within so that we can create even more of that love in the world around us.

    The love that we seek is something that we already have. When we make the conscious effort to tap into that inner love and express it in the world, we can then begin to see all the love around us.

    3. It’s more painful to fear being authentic then to actually be authentic.

    I always held back my inner truth in relationships because I feared rejection. Deep down, I felt that I wasn’t good enough or worthy.

    I feared that others would automatically reject me if I expressed my unique, genuine interests and talents. I felt that by blending in with people, I’d guarantee acceptance.

    The reality, though, is that it took so much more effort, more strain, and more heartache to hold on to this fear.

    As I have gradually learned how to simply express my authentic truth in relationships, it has not only made my relationships better, it has also given me more energy that I can put into more proactive things.

    4. We get what we give.

    Even though I often felt like I was giving a lot in my relationships, what I was giving wasn’t necessarily healthy. I often gave to others in order to be accepted and avoid rejection, because I feared being vulnerable. I was giving out of fear, not from a place of inner love.

    If you want others to be more real and vulnerable, then you have to be more real and vulnerable. If you want others to openly discuss feelings, then you have to openly discuss feelings. This doesn’t guarantee they’ll reciprocate, but it opens the door for the type of relationship you’d like to have.

    Many of us know what we desire in our relationships, but we don’t realize the importance of our part. We have the ability to create the tempo. If we are willing to set the example, others will be more likely to follow and reciprocate.

    The more we realize the power of our own actions and align them to our heart’s true desires, the closer we’ll get to creating relationships filled with love, support, authenticity, and fulfillment.

  • When You Don’t Fit In: The Value of Being Different

    When You Don’t Fit In: The Value of Being Different

    Accept Yourself

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    When I was ten, my blonde, blue-eyed best friend gave me a label.

    “I never thought I’d make friends with anyone brown,” she said. She was clearly embarrassed by her revelation and had summoned the courage to own up.

    I was dumbstruck for a moment. I never really thought of myself as brown, or indeed, as anything. I was just me.

    Then, wanting to get us both out of this awkward situation, and thinking of how my Sri Lankan mother would compliment my beautiful golden brown skin, I blurted out, “Well, I’m not really brown, I’m golden.”

    Immediately my friend collapsed into laughter, as she imagined me with bright orange skin. I suspect she was glad to divert the shame away from herself.

    And I did feel ashamed. Ashamed of being labelled as something I didn’t particularly identify with, but also ashamed of denying my brown skin, of unwittingly playing along with this casual racism.

    Over the years I have discovered that it’s not unusual to be judged as different.

    I still encounter many situations where people make incorrect assessments of me based on my looks.

    The question “where are you from” is sadly very common, as if the origin of my ancestors will give people the most important clues about who I am.

    My kids and I have picked up some Sri Lankan characteristics (age four, my third generation daughter called her little brother “darling” with a decidedly Asian lilt), but on the two occasions I have travelled to Sri Lanka, I was definitely a foreign tourist.

    Of course, my family history does partly define me, but mostly not in the way that those people think.

    Instead, it defines me as different.

    Being mixed-race is only one of the factors that make me different. I tend to be more outspoken than my peers, less religious, more bookish, more alternative… Apart from being married with two kids and a mortgage, there are plenty of things about me that are not “normal.” 

    Being different is a self-definition I struggled with for years, which I now deeply appreciate.

    Although it is not always an easy path, I hold my differences as precious. Conformity would be stifling. I want to be me, not some mythical “normal” that only exists in my imagination.

    Being different has tremendous value. Here is how.

    1. Being different is a source of connection and belonging.

    I find shared experiences when I speak with people who know what it is like to feel different—people with disabilities, migrants, creative people, gay people, introverts, recovering addicts, and many others.

    Though we don’t share those particular characteristics, our mutual understanding of what it is like to be different connects us, powerfully.

    We know what it is like to be judged because of who we are. We know what it is like to feel like outsiders or freaks. We know what it is like to try and hide our differences to fit in.

    But fitting in is the opposite of being yourself. It leaves you sick inside.

    What we really crave is to belong. When we are accepted despite or even because of our differences, we have found true belonging.

    2. What we have in common easily trumps our differences.

    We have empathy built into our brains. Mirror neurons mean that when we hear someone tell a moving story, we feel what they feel.

    Heck, Tiny Buddha is built on our ability to care, learn from and identify with the experiences of others!

    We all want to be understood. And science has proven what we instinctively know: we are more alike than different.

    So, take the risk of hearing and being heard. By telling your story you invite others to understand you, and to understand themselves better, too.

    3. My differences are a source of motivation.

    Looking back on the life choices I have made, I can see how my desire to help others feel they belong and are valued has influenced my career and relationships.

    One of my favorite jobs involved providing careers and business guidance to refugees, amongst the most stigmatized and stereotyped people in our society.

    These were often highly qualified and had been doctors, lawyers, and businessmen and women in their country of origin. Having left that behind, they found themselves without the respect, financial security, and social standing they had previously known.

    They were portrayed as scroungers, while being excluded from working by regulation, discrimination, and lack of confidence. I found a vocation helping them navigate these obstacles.

    Many of my colleagues were refugees themselves, who, having found their own way, wanted to pass on the learning to the next generation. Our differences motivated us to help others in the same boat.

    4. Being different is intensely creative.

    As I began to take more pride in what made me different, I began to research other people who went against the social norms.

    I discovered that artists, entrepreneurs, innovators, and other world-changers were always different from the people that surrounded them. Like me, they had often felt excluded from the “popular” kids group at school.

    They thought differently. They made connections (with other people, or between ideas) that others had not previously made.

    And they had the courage and resilience to put those ideas out into the world—the courage to take the risk of being judged, and the resilience to try again when they were.

    In the process, their ideas were tested and improved and tested again.

    Some made it big (think Steve Jobs, Lady Gaga, Barack Obama) appealing to a mass audience with their new ways of seeing; others appealed to a niche with similar tastes. In every case their creativity was rooted in their differences.

    You, too, have value hidden in your differences.

    Though we may never escape all judgment and discrimination, we can learn to value our own unique perspective.

    Then at least we can stop judging ourselves.

    Photo by Hamad Al-Mohanna

  • Happiness in Dark Times

    Happiness in Dark Times

    Happiness in Dark Times

  • Why I Don’t Need Success and Validation to Be Happy

    Why I Don’t Need Success and Validation to Be Happy

    “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”~ Sonya Friedman

    Five years ago I was driven, determined, and thriving. I was in the middle of a career in financial services that had started in sales, led to management, and, at that point, had me pushing myself and competing as a director in the retail banking business.

    I was proud of what I had achieved and what I intended to achieve. I had the trappings of success as I saw them—the house, the car, the salary, and job title that reflected my level of achievement—and I had a huge and very sensitive ego to accompany all of this.

    When I refer to my ego, I really mean that my self-esteem was dependent upon my accomplishments. I perceived that the external and visual signs of success were directly linked to the person I was inside.

    Then, one day, I heard voice saying, “You must leave, you have to get out of this place…”

    Before you imagine that I was hearing things, I’ll add that this was my boss. He was telling me that the company was in a “change process” and I was one of the casualties. At that moment I saw my career leave the room, out the window, with my self-esteem jumping after it.

    Over the weeks that followed, my family and friends, seeing my distress, sought to comfort me with words similar to “Don’t worry, we still love you whether you are refuse collector or a chief executive.”

    While I smiled at these words, my internal dialogue was something different. It went something like: “It doesn’t matter what you think of me. I won’t love myself unless I show how successful I can be.”

    At that time I did not know how true that statement was. I also did not realize that this was both my greatest motivator and, at the same time, the greatest barrier to long-term happiness.

    My Awakening

    Over the years I had been interested in my personal development and had read quite widely. I often came across the concept of loving myself and dismissed it as fluffy, ephemeral, and completely non-masculine.

    Then I started to read about my emotional needs, the needs that I expect the rest of the world to meet in order for me to be happy, such as my need to be loved, respected, validated, and listened to.

    As I reflected, I realized that I used a lot of “needy” behavior in order to manipulate the environment to meet my needs. I would act the victim and the martyr on social media in order to get sympathy and attention. I would over assert myself (aggressively) in order to be respected.

    I would outperform other directors in order to get the validation and appreciation from my boss and peers that I desperately needed. I would tell my wife I love her in order to get the response “I love you, too.”

    I had been relying on everyone else and making it their responsibility to make me happy. If they responded to my hints and nudges, then I was happy and they topped up my self-esteem.

    “What’s the problem?” I hear you ask. “People meet your needs, you feel good, problem solved.”

    Here’s the issue: unhealthy self-esteem is like a monster that grows the more you feed it.

    A four-bedroom detached house with a double garage, once achieved, becomes too small, and you need a five-bed with a pool. Job title inflation becomes the norm, and you must upgrade the ultimate status symbol, the car, as often as possible.

    Soon, I get to the point where telling me you love me is not enough. You have to prove it, and guess what? The more you prove it, the more you have to. Every effort, thought, and gift has to be better than the last one; otherwise, you obviously don’t care.

    Those of you imagining this is a caricature, please examine your own behavior. What little tactics and strategies do you use to get the attention you crave? How do you manipulate your environment to get your needs met?

    So what changed for me?

    I slowly started to take responsibility for my happiness and meeting my own needs. I started to like myself and moved on to respecting myself, and I eventually lost my reliance upon others for validation.

    As I started this slow transformation, a funny conundrum revealed itself to me. When I used to demand respect, validation, and love, I never got enough of them. As I started to respect myself, I found others respected me more, and now I have an abundance of respect, love, and validation.

    Does that sound smug?

    I hope not. By taking responsibility for my needs, I am now able to have healthy, giving relationships that are not based upon giving in order to receive. By having a healthy relationship with myself, I have healthy relationships with others.

    Start with You

    It started for me with a seismic shock wave that rocked my world. It does not have to happen like that.

    Start by raising your awareness.

    Observe the needy, manipulative behaviors in others; it’s easier that way. Then start to notice them in yourself and identify what need you’re trying to get others to meet for you.

    From there, ask yourself: What does it really mean to like and respect myself?

    For me, this means that I make myself a priority, give myself the time I need for my interests, and set clear boundaries around my work and life.

    Next, close your eyes and ask yourself: How would that look? How would that feel? What would I see myself doing and hear myself saying?

    I can see myself setting clear space in my diary and feeling in control, and taking clear steps to make space for family time. I can hear myself saying, “Thanks for the offer, but I have other commitments that day. I can offer you two other alternatives.”

    Finally, ask yourself: What small steps could I take now to start this process?

    My first small step was to set time aside to make sure I was not overcommitted and my time was protected.

    I started this post by sharing that I was successful. This may imply that I no longer am.

    My measurements of success may have changed a little, but I am comfortable with that.

    I am not worried about job titles, and I prefer to measure success by the impact my work has. I drive a twelve-year-old car because I like it. When I tell my wife I love her, it’s because I do and she deserves to hear that.

    In case you are reading this and wondering if meeting my own needs makes me less ambitious, absolutely not. I have great ambitions and plans. Whether those ambitions and plans are successful or not will not be a factor in my happiness.

    To put it another way, I am happy and will be so whether or not I realize my plans and aspirations.