“You are ready and able to do beautiful things in this world… Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.”
In his 2014 commencement speech for Maharishi University of Management’s, Jim Carrey shared some inspiring words of wisdom about purpose, happiness, overcoming fear, and going after your dreams. This short video includes just a few of the highlights. You can find the full speech here.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
I spent my teenage years and early twenties believing that my weight was my worth; that I had to look and be a particular way to be accepted or loved.
I lived in a negative cycle of comparing myself to everyone. I remember sitting in on one of my lectures in university, trying to work out if my lecturer was fatter or thinner than me.
I look back now and wonder how many times I missed the fun and parties I was too scared to go to because I felt too fat or uncool or whatever negative feeling I was dwelling on at the time.
When I was twenty-seven, my boyfriend of three years dumped me, on the day I found out I was pregnant. Worse still, or so it felt at the time, just a few months later he had a new girlfriend, a beautiful girl, who was also a single mother.
I think the day I saw them together was the day I hit rock bottom. I cried so much and lost fourteen pounds in five days. I felt absolutely shattered and utterly worthless.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
How could he not want his own baby yet love another man’s child?
Was I too ugly?
Was I too fat?
Why wasn’t I lovable?
Destructive thoughts whizzed around my head in a very unhealthy manor.
I lost my baby, which also made me feel worthless.
His new girlfriend had everything I thought I wanted. She had the perfect body, she was absolutely gorgeous, she also had a baby, and the man I loved, loved her.
I had to learn to love myself. It wasn’t easy to start, but the first step was to stop comparing myself unfavorably to everyone, especially her.
It was destroying me.
With everything that happens to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat it as a gift.
I wallowed in self-pity, regret, and depression for eighteen months. One day I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Your Erroneous Zone. It was the book that woke me up and made me realize only I could change the way I was seeing myself and my past.
The past was gone, done, over. I couldn’t change it, no matter how much it hurt. I had to accept what was, and most importantly, I had to learn to see myself in a different light.
Here’s I how I did it.
At first I kept a list of everything nice anyone said to me.
I started a gratitude journal.
I went back to basics—appreciation, picking love over fear.
I learned that just because he didn’t love me, that didn’t mean that I’m unlovable.
Slowly but surely, I began to see my value.
I realized I was a worthwhile human being after all.
As a nutritionist, I help clients change their health every day, so whenever I felt truly helpless, I would find some who needed my help and offer it for free. Was it good business? Some would say no, but for me, it was therapy.
Kindness therapy, you get what you give. I was giving love, and in return I found myself. If you ever feel helpless, reach out and help someone. Smile at a stranger. It maybe the only person they see smile at them all day. You never know the ripple effect of the kindness you spread.
I wrote articles on nutrition for magazines. At first, I think this was to give me validation. Seeing my name printed in a magazine must mean I’m a worthwhile human being, right?
But the letters of gratitude I received made me realize that I knew things that could help people. One lady wrote to me saying her daughter’s behavior had improved dramatically after she implemented the changes I had suggested.
These small things helped me realize that while I may not look like a Victoria’s Secret model, like my ex’s new girlfriend, I am still a worthwhile human being who has the ability to help people.
I also started to see that even those who appear to “have it all” to the outside world often still have their own issues going on. I realized that having looks like a Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t protect you from heartbreak or sadness, a fact I had ignored until now.
Cheryl Cole is one of the most beautiful women in show business, yet her husband cheated on her.
We have to love ourselves. Comparison and envy are destructive forces that steal away contentment and block the flow of love. We don’t have to prove we are good enough to anyone; we just have to realize we were born worthy of love, and we’re lovable exactly as we are.
I’ve learned that there will always be people who are more and less attractive than me. However, beauty is subjective, and we all have different taste.
I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul. Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care about people, and who they are as a person.
So don’t live a half-life comparing yourself to others. Comparison in any form is destructive. Downward comparisons can make you vain and upward comparisons can make you bitter.
We all deserve to be loved by others and to love others, but first we need to love ourselves.
Love yourself just as you are. You, as much as anyone else in the world, deserve your own love.
Woman hugging herself image via Shutterstock
“Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself” ~Sonya Parker
I am a sucker for saying yes.
Sometimes I even find myself thinking, “No, no, no, no” and then I blurt out, “Yes.”
Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right?
After feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, it got me thinking.
I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it.
I realized I was afraid of saying no because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.
Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me.
And so I realized exactly why I found it so difficult to say no.
I realize this is not just a challenge that I face but one that many people go through every day. It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say yes also comes a lack of self-confidence and self-value.
If, like me, you’re having trouble saying no, this may help.
Saying no doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say no.
Learning where these beliefs have come from is a great way to learn to let go of them.
Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say no when you were a little kid and why it has become so difficult now? What happened?
Well, as children, we learned that saying no was impolite or inappropriate.
If you said no to your mom, dad, teacher, uncle, grandparents, and so on, you were most certainly considered to be being rude, and you would have probably been told off for it.
Saying no was off limits, and yes was the polite and likable thing to say.
Now that we are all adults, we are more mature and capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, no shouldn’t be an off-limits word but rather something that we decide on ourselves, based on our own discretion.
But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs, and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.
The second step to learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others.
I have learned that if you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy.
If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is, “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.”
If your opinion of yourself is actually quite low, remember that:
The third step to learning to say no is deciding if saying yes is really worth it.
After committing to something, doubt eventually sets in, and you may begin to think of ways you can get out of it.
And if you don’t have any good excuses, you then have to decide if you are going to tell the truth or come up with a lie.
Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say no in the first place?
I remember this one time that I said yes to something and then later felt so bad about it that I ended up lying my way out of it. I still feel bad that I lied.
My boss called me one day and asked if I could work the following Saturday. As usual, I blurted out a polite “Yes, of course, that’s no problem at all.” I actually had plans with my boyfriend, which I was really looking forward to.
Later, I found myself feeling absolutely terrible about having said yes, and I wished that I had just had the guts to say no from the beginning.
Dreading the idea of having to work that day, I called my boss back with the best excuse I could think of. I told her that I had completely forgotten that it was my dad’s birthday that Saturday and that we had a family get-together (which was certainly not the case).
Looking back, I realize that it really isn’t worth it to say yes when you don’t want to. I have a right to say no and shouldn’t be afraid of letting other people down at the cost of my own happiness.
If you have also decided that it’s worth it to you and want to learn to say no, try these simple yet effective tips for doing so with confidence.
Learning to say no has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fear of rejection, it has helped me feel in control.
I don’t feel trapped, resentful, or guilty anymore. Instead, I feel empowered and free.
If you want that same feeling of freedom and empowerment, then take control, challenge yourself, and learn to say no.
“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.” ~Elliott Larson
I was recently watching my younger son play in a golf tournament. We had extensively prepared for this tournament over a period of several days. His technique was finely tuned. The game plan for attacking the course was in place.
The first two holes went wonderfully.
We arrived at the third hole, a medium length par three with water to the left.
In the middle of his swing, a golf cart carrying bags of ice drove right in front of him at a distance of about fifteen feet. This broke his concentration and he stopped his swing. He attempted to gather himself and he proceeded to hit the shot.
The ball went into the water.
This was the beginning of a number of curious “breaks” that happened on almost every single hole until the final one.
The result was a disaster. The tournament was ruined. The game plan was shattered.
There were so many wounds inflicted that day. And I, perhaps more than him, suffered every one.
I learned much from that day. One of them is the idea of a thin layer of space.
What do I mean?
The organs inside the human body sit next to one another, but they do not touch one another. They sit within body cavities but they do not touch the cavity.
Rather, they are separated from their surroundings by a membrane of space.
Perhaps we can apply this ingenuity to the way in which we live our lives.
As we experience the various emotions and events that we encounter in a given day, we feel jolts and grates and frictional rubs. We are affected by each one.
Why?
Because unlike the organs in our body, we live directly apposed to the events of our lives. As such, the slightest shudder feels like an earthquake. Every scratch feels like a flesh wound.
What if we could learn to live our lives with a thin layer of space between us and the events that we experience?
What if there was a thin layer of space between what we hope to receive and what we actually receive?
A thin layer of space between our expectations of what should be and what actually comes to be.
Perhaps this space would act as a shock absorber. Perhaps it would allow us to experience jolts as jolts. And scratches as just scratches.
Perhaps this space would serve as a gutter in which the excesses of our demands and our hopes would collect and flow away, leaving us content with what is.
Perhaps this is the only way that our lives can be enjoyed.
Perhaps it provides us a dose of wisdom. Teaching us that life flows according to its own rhythms, rather than according to our whims.
Perhaps it can teach us that our miseries come from seeing life through the prism of our own expectations. And that to see life in this way is to not see it at all.
Perhaps a bump will seem more like a ride than a jolt. Perhaps thunder will seem more like a sound rather than an impending storm.
It is our interpretation of events that gives rise to the parallel universe in which we live. As few of us truly live within the world. Rather, we live inside the mind.
The mind sticks to everything that it experiences and we feel the reverberations of each and every one of these experiences.
But with this thin layer of space, we can perhaps keep the tempest that surrounds us in perspective. And at arm’s length.
This thin layer of space affords a thin window of time. Time that allows for a measured response. Time that allows for action borne of wisdom, rather than emotion.
It is not the words, but the space between them that makes communication possible.
Perhaps it is a thin layer of space between us and our lives that makes living possible.
In understanding this thin layer of space, perhaps I can begin to appreciate that the events that happened on that day did not happen to my son. And that they did not happen to me.
They just happened.
Disappointed woman image via Shutterstock
“What we see is mainly what we look for.” ~Unknown
Years ago I was fortunate enough to travel on a Mediterranean cruise. I had just graduated from college and was in that difficult transition stage where I didn’t know what would come next. I was looking to relax, but also hoping that some soul searching would lead to clarity, epiphanies, and answers.
One day I thought I found them on the island of Santorini, Greece.
Between the blinding whites, the sapphire blues, the sun-kissed streets, and the black-sand beaches, I felt like I had been dropped in a utopia.
There, where everything was crisper and brighter, my mind felt clear and my heart felt hopeful. I suddenly had the feeling I would find my way and all would be right in my world.
As I lay on the beach made from volcanic ashes, overflowing with happiness, I knew I wanted to remember the moment, capture that feeling and preserve this place.
I strolled down to the shore where hundreds of rocks were piled together. They were all jet black, oval shaped, and glistening. I picked some up and felt like I was holding little pieces of paradise in my palms.
I collected a dozen or so. The plan was to wrap them in a towel, bring them home, put them in a decorative jar, and always be reminded of the beauty of Santorini.
I imagined my future self, back at home, thousands of miles and hours away from this peaceful sanctuary.
I thought these rocks would become miniature touchstones any time I was feeling down or confused—that I would look at these black slabs, be transported back to this moment in time, be reminded of Santorini, and feel instantly better.
When I got home, I unveiled the rocks and immediately felt disappointed.
These rocks weren’t pieces of paradise anymore.
Without the shimmering sun and the sparkling Aegean waters, the rocks had lost their magic, their glory.
All I had in my hands were a pile of greyish looking stones. In the light at home, away from the Grecian sands, I could see the rocks weren’t breathtaking or naturally shiny and they certainly weren’t that memorable.
They were just…. well, rocks.
I wasn’t reminded of the feeling on the beach. Instead I was upset that what I wanted the rocks to be was clearly not their reality. Somewhere the rational part of my brain knew this was ridiculous, but I was still angry.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized how these rocks did in fact, give me a gift. They taught me a few important lessons.
In life we can have a tendency to take something and try to make it into another thing. Does it work? Sure, sometimes. After all, we can take lemons and turn them into lemonade; we can take a blank canvas and turn it into a beautiful painting.
But more often than not, we can’t change something into something it’s not meant to be.
Sometimes, a rock is just a rock. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a rock. And no amount of wishing, manipulating, forcing. or hoping can change that.
Isn’t that wonderful?
Knowing this can help save a lot of energy that gets wasted on frustration and sadness.
The rocks hadn’t changed—not one bit. My perception of them had. The feelings they evoked and the moment I had in Santorini simply passed. I was stuck between wanting to hold on and having to let go.
We often try so hard to hold onto something from the past that we miss what’s right in front of us, in the present.
The same is true for the people in our lives. We sometimes try—accidentally or purposely—to get the people we love to be more of who we want them to be instead of appreciating who they already are. We want them to be who they used to be or who they could be, instead of who they are in the present.
I remember when I had the realization that one of my oldest and closest friendships was falling apart. There were many reasons for this split, but ultimately I think it came down to the both of us not seeing each other for who we were in the moment.
We kept trying to squeeze each other into the roles of who we were when we first crossed paths years and years ago.
We put this pressure on ourselves too. We attempt to perfect a million things, instead of just acknowledging our weaknesses and strengths and working with them.
We rarely accept who we are in the present because we are so consumed thinking of who we want to be in the future—or remembering a younger version of ourselves.
I don’t know what just now made me remember those rocks from Santorini—the ones I didn’t put on a pretty display—but I am glad I did.
I am grateful for the reminder that we need to accept things or situations for what they are and people for who they are. When we stop looking at everything the way we want to see it, and start seeing it simply as it is, life flows much more smoothly.
After all, it’s better to let things and people shine where and how they are meant to.
Woman breathing deeply image via Shutterstock
“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark
Of all the people who have passed through my life over the years, the one person I remember the most was this old, ornery man who seemed to have the personality of a mule. Stubborn to the core, with a straightforward approach to everything, Phil was a difficult man to like, yet I learned to love him.
Phil didn’t speak much, but when he did, it came from the heart. He grew up in the mid thirties, in a rough Detroit neighborhood, composed mainly of Irish immigrants. In Phil’s world, you worked hard, took care of your family, and kept to yourself.
It was difficult for Phil to get close to others. If he talked to you, it was because he genuinely cared, but his mannerisms were harsh and often, people took his gestures the wrong way. The first time Phil spoke to me, my immediate reaction was to stay away from him.
“You think you’re tough with that hat on backwards?” he asked, in a tone that dared me to challenge him. I never could figure out why the way I wore my hat bothered him so much, but at the time, I was convinced he was just picking on me.
Had I not been twelve, had Phil not owned the corner store deli, and had it not been my job to pick up the meats my mother purchased each week, I may have been able to avoid him. But alas, it was not to be my fate and each week, I was forced to listen to Phil’s harsh lectures as he packaged up the meat my mother had ordered.
I didn’t realize what a great man Phil was until years later when my life took a turn for the worst and I found myself sleeping in an abandoned house, eating at homeless agencies and showering at the YMCA.
As I walked past the old deli, one cold winter day, in a flimsy jacket that didn’t even have a zipper, I heard the door open and a few seconds later, this gruff voice said, “Jamey, is that you?”
I turned around and saw Phil’s now emaciated figure, standing in the deli door. He invited me in and asked how I was doing. I told him the truth. I was embarrassed and rarely told anyone about my misfortune, but somehow I suspected he already knew.
Phil poured me a cup of coffee and sliced me some lunchmeat and cheese. He handed me a loaf of bread and then disappeared into a back room. A few minutes later, he returned with a thick fur-lined winter fleece and gloves. I remember the feeling of embarrassment as I accepted his generosity.
I guess my embarrassment was obvious because he told me not to worry, that I could pay him back whenever I could. He then told me about a time in his own life when he was homeless and struggling to survive.
I felt strangely comforted by his story. As he spoke, I remember thinking what a different man he was than the man I remembered as a child.
I visited Phil many times over the next six or so months. He seemed genuinely pleased whenever I stopped by and we would converse for hours over coffee and whatever meal he had prepared.
One day, I asked how he made it through the hard times in his own life. I remember him growing serious as he said, “I just tried to be a better person each day than the person I was the day before.”
The last time I saw Phil was through the window of his store; he was sitting in a recliner and there were paramedics surrounding him. Phil had died in his sleep of natural causes at the age of sixty-nine. I cried.
Much of what he said to me in the final days of his life has faded into some obscure place in the back of my mind. But the one thing he said that remains with me to this day is how he “tried to be a better person each day…” than the person he was the day before.
I try to apply this principle in my own life, successfully at times and not so successfully at others. I am no longer homeless or poor. I have a beautiful wife and daughter, a decent paying job I thoroughly enjoy, and a wonderful church family. I’d like to believe that trying to be a better person each day than the person I was the day before had something to do with this.
Either way, it is a valuable piece of advice and I repeat it to others as often as I can.
Maybe you are going through some hard times in your own life—a broken relationship, a lost job, or some other misfortune. Perhaps you are feeling the hopelessness of your situation and wondering how you can improve it.
Life is unpredictable and often harsh, but whatever life throws us, we can handle it, if we just try to be a little better each day than we were the day before.
Some days, it will be easier than others, but if we just put forth the tiniest of effort, maybe give some change to someone less fortunate, or smile when you don’t feel like it, things will get better.
You don’t have to be a miracle worker or a saint, just conscious of how you approach life on a daily basis. By taking things one day at a time, with tiny improvements, you can get through anything life throws at you.
Man walking image via Shutterstock
“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts
There had been other voices asking such questions as “How can this be happening?” and “When will this end?” that I understood: My partner was planning his honeymoon before our divorce was final.
After the divorce, a voice asked a question I didn’t understand, “Will you marry me?”
“Marry me” popped into my head at what seemed to me the least likely times: talking zip codes with my new mailman at my new home, passing strangers on the street, visiting old friends, playing with my toddler granddaughter, making new friends at parties, and seeing myself in the mirror.
“Will you marry me?” would flash through my head and make me feel needy, as if I had been walking on a bridge that suddenly turned to sawdust. I forgot what I was thinking, what anyone was saying. I felt unloved and unworthy, and I was falling.
If the person I had thought was my best friend for twenty-seven years could dump me, why would anyone want to be my friend, much less marry me? Why would anyone want to hire me? Then “Will you marry me?” led to me being fired for the first time in my life from the best paying job of my career.
Being hired at that salary surely proved I was relevant and moving forward with my life. But I froze when “Will you marry me?” yelled in my head as my supervisor, who was the same age as my children, gave me the simplest instructions.
I forgot how to edit, research, write, and even type. I stared blankly at him as I listened to “Will you marry me?” Of course I didn’t want to marry this kid or anyone else.
The question began roosting on my headboard when I fell asleep and pecking at my eyelids when I woke. It tagged along, ambushing me all day until it was in the driver’s seat and driving me to the brink.
Dumped, jobless, and joyless, I sat by a pond—that would have been the perfect place to jump in had it been full of piranha—and pondered the hounding “Marry me.”
At first I dismissed it as my subconscious being desperate for stability and companionship, my longing to once again have the family circle that I thought we had created for a lifetime. Then I dismissed it as if the question were a bully taunting that no one wanted me.
I told myself to stop it, just stop. Please. I gathered what few spiritual and gestalt resources I could and used the one that never failed to ground me. I breathed. In and out. In and out.
I felt relief until a voice chastised me for not doing this sooner. I smiled at the thought and myself. The thought dissolved and I breathed, in and out. In and out. Sweet peace warmed me when that voice demanded, “Will you marry me?”
I asked myself why I was hearing this question. Is this what I wanted someone to ask me? Or was I doing the asking?
I breathed and waited. In and out. In and out. The answer came back that I was doing the asking. Okay, I was asking. I could accept that. But who was I asking? I hadn’t thought of anyone besides my partner in those terms for decades.
I waited and breathed. In and out. In and out. In and out. A breeze rippled the deep-blue pond, wild jasmine perfumed the air, the light shifted, birds sang, and the hard ground I was sitting on grew harder before the answer came: “Myself.”
Myself? I was asking myself to marry me? Really? That’s what this was about? My burst of laughter flung me back on the ground, which made the couple snuggling nearby look to see if I was losing it.
I felt ridiculous and pathetic until it dawned on me what “Marry me” meant: I was begging myself to love me, to be my best companion, my worthiest friend, my most trusted love. When I hadn’t understood the question, the voice had asked more often and louder until I could hear nothing else.
In that moment I wanted nothing but to be gentle with myself, to support myself, to compliment myself, to explore my interests, to travel wherever I most wanted to go, and to share my joy, charm, and grace with everyone.
I felt pride for having tried to build a happy family and for having the courage to accept that chapter of my life was over, for better and for worse, and the strength to rediscover myself, for better or for worse.
All the hurts, jabs, and bitterness fell away. I wanted to silence anyone—especially myself—who thought I was awkward and undeserving. I wanted to celebrate magnificent me.
When I stood, I felt taller, straighter, as if my spine had grown by inches. I felt more love and more lovable than I had since I was a child.
I walked around the pond, barely touching the ground as I recognized I was the person I had been waiting for my whole life, the person I could trust to make me happy, the person anyone would be lucky to have for a partner.
Since the pond, I love to go to parties and concerts with friends or alone, to run into people I’d like to know better and join them for tea, to offer and accept invitations to dine, and to ask new and old friends to meet me for a film or berry picking or hiking or kayaking.
And when I occasionally find myself at home alone on a Saturday night, when in the past I’d have been downtown with my partner and our friends, I delight in figuring out what I want to do. And my delight energizes my entire being.
For the first time since I was a child, what I am doing feels right and sure. I have fallen in love with myself again, I delight in the minutes again, I enjoy my friends again, and I am aware of my many blessings again.
Expecting full joy has opened my heart to more than I imagined, and the paths to pursue fullness have opened to me. Before, when I expected unhappiness to continue, it did.
Most revealing about who I was, I realize that I never expected to experience such fullness as a single person. I thought my completeness depended on someone else.
Now I know that what I’ve sought I’ve had all along, whether as a partner or single. I was just waiting for me to notice.
Is being a single person my destination or part of my journey?
Sharing this last chapter of my life with a magnificent someone else would be a beautiful bonus since I have married myself to the joy of simple awareness, of breathing in and out. In and out. Deeply.
Men who are fully alive are beginning to appear in my life. One called last night. I’m breathing in and out.
If you’ve also found yourself newly single, challenge your expectations about what you need to be happy, and then…
Meet yourself.
Fall in love with yourself.
Bedazzle yourself with joy.
Share your joy.
Breathe in and out.
Girl at the ocean image via Shutterstock
“Don’t make a permanent decision for your temporary emotion.” ~Unknown
You have a small disagreement with your partner, and before you know it, it escalates into a big fight. Sound familiar?
You then get dreadfully grumpy. You stick your head in the ground like an ostrich and ignore your partner. You think that you have the right to be grumpy or even angry.
You’re in “war” mode now, and you want to win the battle. You dig a trench, jump into it, and arm yourself with weapons.
You barely listen to a word your partner says, and all you want is for him or her to say, “I’m so sorry, you’re right.”
Perhaps this is something that you can relate to. Maybe you find yourself responding in this way at times. But I have to admit, this particular example is referring to myself.
This was me on a lot of occasions when confronted by a small disagreement with my partner, and something that I still struggle with today.
It became a bit of a habit. I would get offended quickly, and I’d turn what could have been something that was easily resolved into a big war.
Why?
Well, here goes… because I was proud. I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong.
I have come to realize that not only was my response incredibly damaging for my relationship, it was not very loving or caring.
It the heat of an argument, it’s easy to forget that and we let our pride get the best of us.
Every time you give into your pride and start a war, you make a little crack in your relationship. It may not seem to have a big impact at first, but slowly, the crack will get bigger.
You can compare it to a crack in the window of your car. If you don’t fix it, the crack will become bigger and bigger until it is so big, it can’t be repaired anymore.
So, is it really worth it? For me, it’s an easy no. Holding onto my pride is not worth putting a crack in my relationship.
More than anything, I want my relationship to be successful, fulfilling, and full of love.
We all know that it’s not easy to turn off the “pride switch” when we are in the heat of an argument. We don’t want to give in.
The key is to find tools and strategies to help you respond better when in the heat of the moment. Here are some simple but effective tools to help you have productive conflict, rather than destructive conflict.
When you are just on the verge of having an argument, you need to make a decision. You need to decide: Am I going to choose to respond positively and productively, or am I going to let myself get angry and annoyed?
Often, we get angry without even thinking about it. It’s our natural response when confronted with conflict. But once our body jumps into that fight or flight mode, it’s very difficult to turn back.
The key is to get in the habit of asking yourself quickly, before you get angry: How am I going to choose to respond at this moment? Just challenging yourself quickly might be enough to push you in the other direction.
These are all questions that can help you to make the choice to respond productively, rather than giving into your pride or anger.
A lot of the time when we have arguments, they seem to just go around in circles.
“Yes but, no but, yes but, okay but” are words that you tend to hear a lot!
Acknowledging the other person rather than saying “but” after their every sentence will virtually guarantee that the conversion will make progress. This will also mean that you won’t go around in circles, and, therefore, get more frustrated and angry as the minutes and even hours go by.
Acknowledging sounds pretty simple, but how do you actually do it?
It’s more complicated than you think, because overtime we have programmed ourselves to defend ourselves, and not acknowledge the other person during an argument.
Here’s an important truth to help you break away from that habit: Acknowledging the other person’s feelings does not mean that you agree with what they have done. It does not mean that you are giving in either.
It simply involves saying something like “I can understand how you have come to feel that way,” not “You are right for feeling that way, and I am wrong.”
If you can learn the skill of acknowledgment, you will be amazed at how much less often a small disagreement will turn into a war.
It will only aggravate the situation to ask rhetorical questions, such as “Why do you always do that?” or “Why can’t you just be more loving?” or “Why do you only ever think about yourself?”
It’s not productive at all because it attacks the other person. Rather, you should be specific with what you want. For example, instead of saying,“Why do you always do that?” you could say, “I really don’t like it when you shout at me; can you please stop shouting?”
Learning to have productive conflict is so important for a happy and successful relationship.
Just do it!
Chances are, during an argument, you are going to say or do things you shouldn’t have. Maybe you got angry, maybe you raised your voice, or maybe you said something nasty.
The point is, no one is perfect.
Apologizing for your part does not mean that you agree with the other person’s behavior; however, someone has got to say it first, right?
So, maybe you can choose to be the person who just sucks it up and apologizes.
Why? Because you would rather get over the conflict sooner, and enjoy your relationship with your partner.
In my relationship, I have learned that apologizing more freely has led to significantly fewer arguments and very few fights.
Rather than fighting with my partner, I can laugh with her, have fun with her, and enjoy her company. And we don’t have to worry that our day or night will be ruined by a silly little argument.
—
Pride is a powerful thing that can wrap itself around you and suck you in. Once you’ve crossed that line and have gotten angry, it’s difficult to go back. To help you turn that around and have productive conflict with your partner, be sure to use these tools.
They have helped me significantly in choosing a better response when at the verge of an argument, and my relationship is much better off for it.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron
In May 2012, I was appointed guardian and conservator of my father, and my brother was appointed co-guardian. Our father was declared mentally incompetent by the county court.
My father was, and is, an alcoholic. When I was growing up, he was an abusive alcoholic. He gave out wounds like gifts. He used words to cut us open, and then he threatened us with salt.
I lived in hypervigilance, and I learned that being alone, quiet, and invisible was the safest state of being. I was like a bottle—filled up with the wounds my father gave me as his bottles emptied.
And then I spilled.
In therapy, I learned how to heal. I learned how to give myself gifts that were actually gifts, how to love, how to grow, and how to move on.
Then, my father deteriorated. He was over sixty-five, and had been an alcoholic most of his life. He threatened to kill me, my brother, and my boyfriend.
He was having flashbacks from Vietnam. He was being abused by strangers who gave him alcohol and drugs and took his money.
He was hospitalized several times. He threatened to shoot himself. He started answering his door with a loaded gun. He left half-eaten roast beef sandwiches on my brother’s doorstep.
We exhausted our avenues before petitioning the court to declare him incompetent. Deciding to petition to become the legal guardian of a man who mistreated me, in order to protect him, was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
I was trying to practice compassion, to treat him the opposite of how he treated me. I felt sorry for him.
He was an unhappy man, and instead of going to therapy or AA or changing, he drank. He threw his unhappiness at others. He built walls and imprisoned himself behind them. And he lost everything, even his mind.
It was hard not to feel sorry for a man who lost so much. In order to save what was left of his life, I went to court with my brother. Out of compassion. And out of hope that maybe something was left, and he could find, if not happiness, then peace.
If I could do this, I thought, if I could protect him and guard him from harm, then I am showing compassion.
I was wrong.
When we were in court, my aunt, my father’s sister, publicly denounced me and used my childhood abuse against me to prove that I was mentally unstable and unfit to care for my father. She lied about my relationship with my father, about my intentions to provide care, and about my student debt.
A woman who I had not seen in almost ten years, and who was never a close member of my family, proceeded to tell the court about child abuse that she never bothered to stop, in order to claim that I was irreparably damaged from it.
It was my nightmare made real.
I spent the next two years struggling to wake up. My father, whose brain was atrophied from drinking, became abusive again.
As he recovered rudimentary levels of functioning, he also lost his ability to “save face,” and in addition to abusing my brother and myself, he abused the staff at his nursing home and his fellow retirees.
He was threatened with expulsion on more than one occasion. Under the constant stress and constant abuse, I withered. I tried to stick with it, even though I felt my patience, my calm, my self-confidence, and my happiness eroding.
I wanted to try to help my father because he was my father. Because it was sad. Because he was sad. Because he was an addict. Because he made such terrible choices. Because I was trying to show compassion. But I had stopped showing compassion to myself.
When my mother was hospitalized with a brain aneurysm three weeks after having surgery for pancreatic cancer, I was petrified. I spent a month with her in the ICU while she was mostly unconscious, and at some point during that month, I began to realize that I couldn’t take care of everyone.
I watched her monitor beep and squiggle, and there was nothing that anyone, not me, not the nurses, not the neurosurgeons, could do but wait until they could operate.
As each day gathered together, I collected them into a gradual epiphany: I couldn’t take care of everyone. I most certainly couldn’t take care of anyone if I wasn’t already taking care of myself. And taking care of myself meant giving myself compassion.
When I volunteered to become my father’s guardian and conservator, I wanted to prove that I was healed enough to offer him compassion. I had wanted to stop being a person who was wounded, and who received help, and instead become a person who was healed and helping others.
But these two roles are not distinct. And sometimes they can be filled by the same person. It is possible to be both wounded and healing and healer and giver and receiver, all at the same time.
Compassion to the detriment of oneself is not compassionate. Compassion needs to begin with yourself. Compassion doesn’t prove anything, or judge anyone, or lift anyone.
Compassion is loving-kindness, a recognition that we are all the same, that we are beings trying to be, however we are. And that includes yourself.
I decided to be compassionate to myself, and I quit being my father’s guardian and conservator. My brother quit as well. My father now has a professional guardian tending to his needs, providing for his well-being, and handling his assets. And now I can tend to my own needs, and well-being, and assets.
Sometimes, despite our best intentions, our compassion toward others falls flat. In an unhealthy relationship, we may need to walk away and extend our kindheartedness, our helping, and most importantly, our compassion, to ourselves.
“Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.” ~Steven Pressfield
Altering your life in the smallest or grandest way is so simple, but it requires you to do something you likely are already doing all of the time.
If you’ve ever wanted to take up a discipline, begin a new business, stop an addiction, or start anything new, it’s the same for all.
Any life change requires one simple action: you to decide.
Over five years ago, I knew in my heart I wanted a different work life, that a greater way of living a life of my dreams could be real for me if I could just take the leap.
I was afraid of not having the external security that came with that job of five years. But when I looked at my true dreams, and who I’d become not doing what I love, it wasn’t who I felt I was deep at heart.
Then it happened, I followed the feeling. I simply chose that enough was enough; I quit my job.
There is a rich and deep aliveness that comes from following your heart, in acting on what you love despite any limitations or fears of the unknown.
It’s what brings you closer to knowing who you are in your heart, and who I believe we all came to be in this life, dreamers willing to live their dream, not just know dreams exist.
When I finally decided, there was no more deliberation, or trying to think of all possible outcomes. I stopped thinking about it.
There are two types of fear: debilitating, poisonous, inaction fear, and an excitement fear that comes with taking inspired action. As soon as I decided, just an excited fear remained.
In a moment of true decision where you act on what you love, you experience a feeling of freedom and aliveness that overcomes fear.
Poisonous fear exists mostly in indecision, between knowing what you love and the perception that you’re unable to act on it.Perhaps that’s why it’s called “False Evidence Appearing Real.”
When you take action on what you love, whether you experience fear or not, you’ve decided with your whole being, what’s called a true decision; and it overcomes all else.
Often I hear people express a desire to do, or be something, and then they list the reasons why it’s not possible in their circumstances. But isn’t it true that possibility doesn’t become available to you until you decide to do it?
In my experience, what’s possible only becomes real once you decide on the inside and then act on what you feel outside.
If you’ve ever rented an apartment, bought a home, or booked a flight, you may know the power of decision. I’ve often heard people admit, “I didn’t know whether I could afford it then,” or, “I couldn’t afford it, but I did it anyway.”
How is it possible to not be able to afford something, but have or experience it anyway? You decided, and more than likely, somehow your life circumstances changed. Some people call those coincidences, miracles, or serendipity.
What’s meant to be is meant to be because you decide.
I don’t just mean deciding to put it on credit, although sometimes that is the way, I mean watching your circumstances change to reflect your decision. I’ve experienced watching my business increase or receiving an unexpected financial windfall right after making a decision. It happens differently every time.
A couple years ago I felt to move to NYC. At that time, I had no external security, no extra money saved, no job, or apartment lined up. I had no real reason to think it was possible based on my circumstances.
When the feeling came to my heart, I said yes. A true decision is like falling in love; you don’t decide from your head, it’s something that finds you. I had only my feeling, but I’d developed trust for my intuition by this point.
Decisions with the most impact are those that come from your heart because they have the power to defy what you think is possible (through love), and it’s those decisions that you experience the most aliveness (more love).
The greatest challenge is your thinking: you may have to embrace whatever limitations are in your mind, and let go of what security you perceive you may lose.
Following your heart may make no sense, and it may be the opposite of your plans, but it makes sense to the deeper knowing within.
In the beginning, it’s not easy to follow just a feeling, but the more you do it, the better at it you become, and the more you value yourself for doing it.
At that moment in time, I didn’t feel compelled or inspired to look for places to live in NYC before I got there, yet I lived in three different places. By staying in my heart and following the moment-to-moment inspirations, I saw the power of my decision unfold with ease.
First, an old family friend offered me his flat in Manhattan while he was away.
Before I left, I met a woman at an event visiting from Brooklyn who emailed me two weeks later asking if I wanted a sublet.
The last place came when I followed my intuition to meet with a friend who surprised me with a place to sublet, which I moved into days later, the day my other place was up.
From experience, it’s easier to follow the feeling when the possibilities are visible: you have the time, the money, or all the tangible circumstances.
But what about when you only have a feeling, when the possibilities are still invisible, do you still follow the feeling in your heart?
Living a life of love is more effortless because you cultivate more presence naturally, but you don’t do it for the effortlessness; you do it because you come to know yourself in that love at a deeper level.
Sure, the move came with ease, but it was the aliveness I felt in following the feeling that took my breath away.
Anyone reading this must take note: this was my story of following the feeling in that moment. If I moved to NY now, I would follow my feeling now, which could mean looking long and hard for places. It’s a new moment!
There is a fine line between a deep knowing, and hoping, wishing, and laziness. I wasn’t not acting out of denial, I was in my truth, but your truth is going to be different every time, so don’t try my story “at home.”
A friend and inspirational writer who lives intuitively moved with two kids to California, leaving a secure law degree position back east, both she and her husband following their respective feelings.
Recently, she told me how she bought her house. “The bank should have never approved our loan from a logical perspective, it doesn’t make sense given our finances, but I just knew we had to take a risk and go for it because the feeling was pulling me.”
In her example, it doesn’t mean she won’t lose her house. Don’t forget life is a risk; so is going after what you love!!
Following your feeling will not only give you the experiences you perceive to be positive, it takes you to perceived negative experiences so you can be free of the fear.
I followed the feeling to start a business a couple years ago, and it failed. The feeling took me to a failed business, but now I don’t fear failing.
Ultimately, your intuition is guiding you to your bigger picture of what you love: less fear, and more power to alter destiny (love). Sometimes it takes you into beautiful romances, but later the feeling pulls you out of that same relationship you thought was forever.
The bigger picture has opportunities and challenges; you don’t get one without the other.
It can be really hard because going beyond limitations stretches you internally. You have to truly love it from your soul, not just your head. And you have to be willing to say yes!
You want more love, more inspiration, and more empowerment, but don’t know how? Decide first. You want to live a life that’s of freedom? Decide to. Possibilities become possible when you decide.
The truth is, you’re the only one with the true power to alter your destiny, to shape your life into one you love. It’s starts with what you decide through opening your heart to the feeling. You can complicate it in your head, but it’s that simple. What you love is in every moment; it’s up to you.
I didn’t always believe in me, but because I decide over and over again to live a life of love despite the fear, I now do.
No matter who you are out there in this world, I believe in you in this moment. After all, it is a new moment, your moment.
Bold man image via Shutterstock
“Love as much as you can from wherever you are.” ~Thaddeus Golas
At the time I’m writing this article, I have been in a relationship for 1,369 days out of which 716 have been long-distance.
Yes, I keep track of the days, not just the months or the years, because I live every day, not every month.
I will not pretend the long-distance part has been an easy journey; and anyone who has dabbled even for a little bit in the idea of long-distance relationships can tell you that it takes a lot of love, but more importantly it takes a lot of faith and courage.
My boyfriend and I met in the most casual way at a friend’s fundraiser in a club in Times Square. It wasn’t love at first sight; it was laughter at first sight.
He only knew one person there and everyone I knew was mostly busy organizing everything, so we ended up laughing and talking the entire night. That was the beginning.
Life kept us in New York for a while, then took us to Los Angeles, and then took him even father away to a whole new country and continent. Yet from the moment we met, there was this invisible purple string that always kept us connected across continents and oceans.
Along this journey of faith and courage, I’ve learned a few things that have kept our relationship going strong even through the most challenging times and have made the purple string unbreakable.
Some of them are directly related to the long-distance challenge and others are just about being in a relationship.
Yes, you will have somewhat separate lives, but making an effort to still have a life together makes all the difference. Making an effort to share our lives, our victories, our sad moments, and our celebrations sometimes made the distance seem shorter.
All those little things that we all do, especially at the beginning of a relationship, matter even more now. The “happy morning” text messages, or wishing each other good night, reminding each other that how much we miss and love each other. And going even beyond that: sending flowers and love letters, randomly calling just to say “I love you,” preparing little surprises.
It’s easy to get carried away with daily life and activities and not even realize the last time you actually spoke in person or saw each other on FaceTime. Make time for it, a sacred time every week that’s just for you, a time when you’re not rushed or tired, a time that makes sense for both time zones and make that your date night.
Chances are, if you have a hectic schedule or if the time difference is too big, that date night will be different every week, but make sure it still happens and make it into a real date: have a meal together, talk about your lives, do all the things that make you happy with the other person.
Find something that you both enjoy and do it together apart. For us, it was these crazy home workouts.
We started them at the same time, we’d keep each other accountable, we’d compare results, victories, the good days and the bad days, we’d bring each other up on the days when we didn’t feel like working out and kept on track because it was something we did together. It also got us in incredible shape.
Conversations over the phone or text always have the extra challenge or not actually seeing the body language of the other person. We receive 55% of information through non-verbal cues and body language, so you can imagine how much can be missed in a phone conversation.
Sometimes you will feel like hanging up the phone; try not to. If you think you might say something that you will later regret, ask for a short time out, take a little time to breathe, come back to yourself and continue the conversation. Don’t leave things hanging.
There will be moments when either one of you or both of you will lose faith, you’ll doubt the mere viability of the relationship, you’ll doubt your courage, their courage, your love and their love. When you see your partner lose faith, remember it’s not about them losing faith in you or the love you have it’s about distance getting the best of them.
As people we tend to fill in the gaps when we don’t have enough information. Don’t let your partner just fill in the gaps; offer them the information they need. Since distance bends the rules of normal relationship, maybe offer a little more than you think it’s necessary.
Tell your partner about new friends and co-workers, talk to them as if they actually know them and you’re just sharing your day.
Never ever waste a moment together with fighting or focusing on negative things. Your moments are your infinity, and they will live in your heart as a moment repeated over and over again.
You will relive those little moments so many times. What do you want to relive? A quiet morning full of love and light, a last stolen kiss at the airport, or a silly fight over random things? Most of the times, you won’t even remember the moment; you’ll just remember the feeling, so make that infinite moment worth it.
Unless you can give it your all, love with every last cell of your body, your relationship will crumble under the weight of the distance, the string that holds you together will stretch so far that it will break. Unconditional love is the only thing that reinforces the string over and over and never lets it break.
Love is always a journey, and it just so happens that our journey took us from one coast to the other and then across another ocean, but no matter where life takes us, the purple string that holds us together will always reach.
It’s a journey of love and faith, and most importantly a journey of courage, the courage to believe in love.
Couple silhouette via Shutterstock
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.
A few years ago, when my younger son was about ten, the reality of the losses that go with living in this beautiful but flawed world suddenly hit him.
I’ll never forget the conversation. This was a child born two months before 9/11, and since we live in a New York suburb and my husband worked across the street from the Twin Towers, what was a loss for so many has been my son’s reality his whole life. Both of my sons are in the generation of children who live in a forever-changed United States.
My sons have also grown up with me as a mother, a person forever changed by two monumental personal losses when I was twenty and twenty-one.
I am the youngest of five. Above me were two brothers, then my two sisters. Both of my brothers died in the same year when they were just twenty-three and twenty-seven years old. One brother died by his own hand after several years of battling mental illness. My other brother died in a plane crash in Pakistan with fifty-three other people just ten months later.
What my son really wanted to know that day was “Why?” Why do we live in a world like this, where people we love die? What is the reasoning behind human life including such extraordinary pain? Why?
The why of loss is the ultimate question, isn’t it? I can tell you that after twenty-five years of living with the loss of my brothers, the two people I was closest to in the world, I have no answers. Yet, that is the answer.
We don’t know why these things happen. We can’t possibly fathom why terrible things have happened in human history, over and over, both in big ways and in small.
How could our limited human brains possibly come up with a justification for the most horrific losses, the greatest pains? They can’t. It is beyond mere human understanding. It is a waste of precious time while we who are still here try to go on with our lives.
So what do we do? How do we go on when we are faced with excruciating loss?
I was a senior in college when my first brother died, and a professor (who was also a minister) gave me a crucial bit of advice that I took to heart. He simply said, “Try not to become bitter.”
It is so easy to go the route of anger, resentment, self-pity, and the should-have mentality. It is worth fighting against, because it will eat you alive. Nothing is gained. The loss happened.
I was so sad for years, and I still cry sometimes about them, but there is no undoing my brothers’ deaths. Trust me, I often thought time-travel would be the perfect answer to bring my brothers back because it would allow me to do something different to save them. It’s ridiculous and yet the brain will go there.
The biggest load off my shoulders, and it took years, was complete acceptance that they were gone.
Then, my college professor’s sage advice kicked in. Don’t become bitter. It happened, so now what? I’m still here. My brothers loved me so much; the last thing they would want is for me to not live my life to the fullest. I can hear them now: Live. Love. Be here now. Marvel at life. See the good in everything. It is there.
So that is what I said to my son. They weren’t just words; it is how I live my life now. Life is good. There is beauty all around us. There is devastation and pain and people who hurt others, but who knows why?
We can help others deal with pain, we can comfort others; we should do this: we are all in this crazy, beautiful world together.
Just always remember: ‘bad’ things will happen, but there is more good than bad. There is more happiness than sorrow. There’s more life than death. It is all around us, as long as we are open to it.
The why of loss does not have an answer. The why of life has an infinity of answers. I am not bitter. I am a believer that life is a mystery, but it’s amazing. I am here, so I will enjoy every precious moment. It’s what my brothers would want. I accept life, and I am in awe of it.
Man silhouette via Shutterstock
“The past exists only in our memories, the future only in our plans. The present is our only reality.” ~Robert Pirsig
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by unpleasant thoughts and feelings? Do they show up like an uninvited guest when you’re least expecting them?
About eight months ago, I quit a lucrative corporate job in finance to follow my passion, writing.
Like most things in life, this decision came with a cost.
And all the angst that comes with it.
A few months into my venture, I noticed my angst had become a large part of my mental world. I worried I’d run out of money, that my dream of being a well-paid writer wouldn’t materialize.
I’d admonish myself for leaving a perfectly secure job to chase a pipe dream. “What were you thinking?” I’d say to myself, “I mean, how stupid could you be?
Eventually, I noticed something interesting.
All the obstacles to my happiness were about imagined future scenarios (i.e.: I will never earn a living again), or doubts about past choices (i.e.: Did I make the right choice by leaving a lucrative corporate job behind?).
None of them were rooted in the present moment.
In fact, they stole my present moments like thieves in the night.
Eventually, I realized that if I didn’t deal with these feelings, I’d snap. I had to find a way to deal with these obstacles to my happiness that kept me from taking positive action in the present.
So I did what anyone would do: I turned to Google.
I researched various approaches of dealing with my feelings that held me back from acting in the present.
I discovered meditation and daily mindfulness practice as a powerful solution, and subscribed to various mindfulness blogs.
A few months down the track, I came across this post by Lori Deschene.
Lori’s words around letting go of emotions (dealing with the mental demons once and for all) struck a chord with me:
“Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.”
The truth is, you can only let go of feelings after immersing yourself in them.
Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?
But that’s the one thing that always works.
The following are five great ways to overcome the obstacles to happiness and feelings that keep you from living fully in the present.
That’s right.
Embrace your feelings fully in each present moment and let them pass when they’ve run their course.
So, if you’re feeling fear, feel it fully in the now. Without reacting to it.
Watch the fear as it manifests in your body. Fear manifests as butterflies in my stomach and tingling in my forearms.
How does it manifest in yours?
Remember, the only way to truly let go of feelings is to allow them to run their natural course with conscious awareness.
This is quite effective in slowing the mind down.
Most writers would agree that seeing your thoughts appear on a page before you is therapeutic.
Writing also increases your ability to detach from the immediacy of painful thoughts and feelings.
Journaling is a great way to bring awareness to your destructive thought patterns, so you can change them.
At the end of each day, write down what you learned from the day. What upset you and what made you feel fantastic? If something upset you, how much of that was based on your interpretation of the situation, which arose from your assumptions about it?
How often do you journal?
Mark Twain famously said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
So many of our fears (future projections) never actually come to pass.
And anyway, the past and the future live only in our imagination—in this present moment.
When your mind is fully in the present, you can’t engage in fearful thoughts about the future or regretful thoughts about the past.
So, focus on your breath in this present moment.
The benefits of doing this are as follows:
What’s your breathing like right now? Is it deep? Shallow?
In his book called Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer explains the importance of separating our reactions to thoughts from the thoughts themselves.
Imagine this.
Cal agonizes over the idea that his boss thinks he’s stupid. He loses sleep over it. It’s the bane of his existence.
Now, let’s say Cal had no idea that his boss thought he was stupid.
Then he wouldn’t be unhappy, right? How could Cal be unhappy about something he didn’t know?
The point: Cal’s boss’ opinion isn’t making Cal unhappy. It’s Cal’s reaction to his boss’ opinion that’s making Cal unhappy.
By taking ownership of his reaction of his own thoughts, Cal can take charge of his mental world.
He can choose to react differently to his boss’ (low) opinion of him. Cal can choose to give his boss’ opinion less importance by recognizing that it’s one person’s opinion among many.
Paradoxically, this would actually enable Cal to see it as constructive criticism and better himself as a result.
Think about the last time you were upset. What were you telling yourself about the event that upset you? Were you upset because of your reaction to the event or because of the event itself?
Our underlying assumptions, of which we are often completely unaware, are responsible for a lot of self blame and distress.
Let’s go back to my example at the start of this post.
My feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry were all based on an implicit assumption that my writing career should have taken off within six months. My assumption just wasn’t valid. Getting traction as a writer often takes years.
My underlying assumptions were wrongly implying that I had failed without me realizing it.
Once I recognized the absurdity of the underlying assumption, the feelings of fear around never being able to launch a successful blog dissipated immediately.
What are the underlying assumptions that have you judging yourself harshly?
—
Conquering your demons isn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile is.
Sure, it’s often uncomfortable to embrace your feelings fully, or to be mindful of how your underlying assumptions are sabotaging your life. But each of us has the capacity to do it.
The question isn’t, “Can I do it?” but rather, “Will I do it?”
If you want to live a full life, resolve to set yourself on the path this very moment. Right now. Don’t put it off for another second.
You have to realize that this life is yours to be lived to the fullest. And only you can determine your attitude toward letting go of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.
So take a deep breath. Breathe in this moment. And give it your best.
Right now!
Happy yoga woman image via Shutterstock
“Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
My father died when I was fifteen, so I learned right away that life was too short. At the time, the only meaning I could grasp from his death was that my life needs to mean something.
I vowed to make something great out of myself.
I went to college determined to become a police officer. I had a strange gut feeling going in, something telling me that it was wrong, but I just assumed it was because I had a hearing loss, and I wasn’t going to let that stop me.
I graduated with a degree in Applied Arts and Science. To this day, I’m not sure how I went down that path.
I know it was mostly due to confusion and self-doubt. I still had to be an officer though; I had to do something with my life. I spent more than a year unemployed, hating myself more and more with each failed interview, each rejected resume.
In my spare time, apart from moping, I wrote. Growing up I always had a small dream to be a writer, but I always pushed it aside, for too many reasons to list.
One day, after I failed a physical to enter the police academy by two seconds, I drove home and it hit me.
I didn’t want to be a police officer. I wanted to be a writer.
What was I doing?
I mentally beat myself up. I was so desperate, so attached to the idea that I had to be great, go somewhere no hard of hearing person ever went, that I failed to truly live.
How could I miss all the things around me that I enjoyed, that made me happy and at peace?
I had an amazing husband who always nudged me to write. I had great friends who loved me for who I was, not who I was set out to be. I had a family who supported me no matter what.
I lived in Colorado with beautiful mountains and scenery.
I failed to realize what I really learned from my father’s death: life is too short. Embrace the moments.
How often have we attached ourselves to an idea that if I accomplish this, then I’ll be happy? The thing about dreams and goals is that they have to change with us. We can’t expect things out of life. We have to enjoy the ride, learn from our sufferings, and take each day as it comes.
Letting go of a dream, especially one I’d held since childhood, was a very hard thing for me to do. But once I did, I’d never felt so free. Everything in my life fell into place.
Attachment makes us suffer; it forces us into self-doubt and misery. We are tied down and locked in the prison of our own minds.
Once you let go, you are free. It’s so liberating. It starts to become a little bit easier, day by day, to let go of other things. It’s not easy, though. Old habits tend to pull us back in, but if we learn to recognize this, we can continue to soar.
How can you let go? Here’s what I learned that helped me.
This applies to everything. When you’re nice to someone, you expect them to be nice back. When you do someone a favor, you expect something in return. When you have a dream, you expect that it has to happen or you’re a failure.
I expected to be a police officer. I ended up being a writer and working in a bookstore. And I’m so happy with where I ended up. You can’t force life to happen. Letting go helps you to embrace life and the path you are on, not the path you expected to be on. And sometimes you end up where you need to be.
Again, apply this to every aspect of your life. Accept people for who they are and how they behave. Accept who you are. Accept the world for what it is. Once you accept things, you can look deeper and see things for what they really are.
Sometimes just sitting still and quietly can help us look deep within ourselves and see what we really want. If I had done this long ago, I would’ve realized that being a police officer wasn’t what I truly wanted.
When you meditate or just sit with your thoughts, you’ll find that the answer you want will come to you. and it’ll always be the one you’ll least expect.
When you find yourself attached to an emotion or idea, recognize the feelings and reasons behind it. What emotion is locking you to your attachment?
For example, my attachment to being an officer was due to an old childhood emotion of wanting to prove to everyone that I can do something most people can’t.
This is one of the hardest. We have to look deep within us and forgive ourselves for everything. We have to see that we’re humans, and no human is perfect. We all make mistakes, and it’s okay to have made mistakes.
Forgive yourself for everything. Once you do, you can let go of the attachments that keep you trapped, whether it’s to anger, a false self, or fear.
It’s only until we let go are we truly free. And it’s only then can we really embrace the present moments and life itself.
“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson
Growing up in a small town in Western Canada, I was known as the kid who accomplished things.
I was the well-mannered and conscientious child who skipped grade two, was at the top of her class, played three musical instruments, took ballet lessons, French lessons, swimming lessons, and any other lesson in which I expressed an interest.
While this might sound like the calendar of an over-scheduled kid, it actually never felt that way. I had a real love of learning, and appreciated the opportunity to be exposed to so many things.
While I was grateful for all the privileges afforded to me by my parents, the unintended side effect of being the kid who accomplished a lot was that it set a very high bar in terms of others’ expectations of me.
I knew my classmates and teachers expected that I would go on to great things, and so, I continued to achieve. I was educated at some pretty prestigious schools and got a Masters’ degree, and then a PhD. I embarked on a career as a corporate psychologist in which I consulted to high-powered senior leaders, lived a jet-setting lifestyle, and made a healthy income.
And, if I’m being perfectly honest, it wasn’t just others’ expectations that drove me—I savored the response I got from people when they wrongly sized me up based on my appearance, and then found out about what I did. I enjoyed getting upgraded on airplanes and having access to V.I.P. areas of hotels.
Being an achiever was an integral part of my identity. Yet, after a while, it started to become confining.
As you can see from my childhood experiences, I am the sort of person who has varied interests, and a lot of them are creative. So, as you might expect, there eventually came a point in my career in which the artistic-dreamer aspects of my personality felt like they were being trampled by the pragmatic, results-driven, goal-oriented parts of me. I knew I needed to make a change.
I talked with friends about my dilemma and got advice akin to some of the backlash many others who have been lucky enough to have some degree of privilege receive. People unsympathetically dismissed the stirrings of my soul as being in the realm of self-indulgent “first world problems.”
“Do you know how many people would want your job with the money you’re making? You can’t mess that up!” a well-meaning friend said.
“Are you kidding me?” chimed in another, “You sound like one of those spoiled self-absorbed celebrity types who has lost touch with how things really are and don’t realize how good they have it.”
So, what did I do? Nothing. I put my nose to the grindstone, continued business-as-usual, and tried to revel in the identity that looked like gleaming gold to others, but was beginning to look painfully tarnished from the inside.
Then, in 2013, my husband and I had a son. Each night, as I rocked him to sleep, I did what so many parents do: I shared my hopes with him regarding how he would live his life.
I whispered to him that he could do anything he desired. I encouraged him to go after his dreams and live out his passions. I told him he was uniquely talented, and that he needed to use his gifts to the best of his ability. In other words, I told him to do everything I wasn’t doing.
As someone with a newborn, I was a rush of emotions, novel experiences, and sleep-deprivation. I had quite a bit of time in the wee hours of the morning to introspect and contemplate the meaning of life. And when I reflected on it, I knew that the reason why I wasn’t practicing what I preached was because I was scared.
What if I tried something that I was truly invested in and failed? How would others respond? Perhaps I would have to listen to sincere concern from loved ones questioning why I was making reckless choices.
Maybe I would get expressions of disappointment from certain friends as I fell from the pedestal on which they had placed me (against my will). And, it certainly wasn’t inconceivable that I might be on the receiving end of some gleeful schadenfreude from others behind my back.
Plus, there was that pesky issue of my identity. I liked being known in my circles as the one who could be counted on to achieve. Who would I be without that identity?
After numerous quiet meditations during 3:00AM feedings, I realized that who I would be was someone who was a whole lot happier.
I would be able pursue my heart’s desires unencumbered by apprehension about how others might respond. I would no longer have to stifle the voice deep inside trying to get me to embrace all sides of me. I would be free.
So, to honor my creative side, I finished a book I had started writing a few years prior. I dealt with the feelings of uncertainty and nakedness that I felt in response to putting something about which I was truly passionate outside of my reach for others to judge.
I have approached my work differently, drawing on my penchant for asking life’s deep questions and a desire to help others have professional lives that provide them with a sense of purpose.
I have allowed myself to delight in the journey, without worrying too much about how others might perceive whether or not I am living my life in the way they think I should.
And, the invisible weight that I have been carrying around has disappeared. I can just be myself—whoever that happens to be at the time.
If you, like me, have let your view of yourself hold you hostage, here are some suggestions for breaking free:
Which ones work for you? Which ones constrain you? While some identities might be obvious in terms of how they hold you back (i.e.: “I am not smart.”), be aware of others that might seem positive, but actually can work against you (i.e.: “I must do everything well.”)
While listening to others’ feedback can be a helpful way to develop, be aware that they bring their preconceived notions to the table. Trust your gut, and be comfortable with the fact that others may not always agree with your choices.
Just because you have been known as “The person who…” for as long as you can remember, doesn’t mean you have to own that persona for the rest of your life. Who do you want to be? What feels right for you right now?
Instead of needing to be exceptional right away, arming yourself with the knowledge that you can always develop in an area through effort can help to deal with some of the fears that might come up when trying something new. Be compassionate with yourself.
Do you want to look back on your life with regrets? If not, be true to yourself, and you will be rewarded with greater life fulfillment and meaning.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~George Bernard Shaw
Can we just talk?
Those words can be a buzzkill on dates, and yet talking is the most profound interaction we will ever have with another human being.
A while back, my husband walked into the kitchen where I was reading an article on my phone and asked me if I had a chance to get a Father’s Day card for his dad (who lives in Canada). I said no I didn’t, and, since it was eight in the evening, I’d get it tomorrow.
He put on his shoes, got the keys, and said, “I’m just going to get it,” then slammed the door.
Now, this seems like an appropriate conversation; however, what I can’t relate through the computer is the tone of it. You know, that tone where you know there’s more to it then what was just uttered. Plus, the door slam was like a slap in the face.
Immediately, my mind started accumulating thoughts about how I had messed up. How I place more emphasis on my own family, and he must feel I don’t do enough for his. I was spiraling into negativity and, within minutes, I was in that dark place of “I’m not good enough.”
Usually I sit with this for hours and days; however, tonight, I couldn’t take it, and what I needed to say was busting through. We talked as soon as I took a few breaths and re-centered myself.
I asked him if he was upset. He responded no, but he felt the need to go get the card that instant. I brought up slamming the door, and that it made me feel like there was more to the story.
He agreed that he was upset because I didn’t look up from my phone to answer the question. AHHH relief! He just wanted my full attention during a conversation. He doesn’t think I’m the daughter-in-law or wife from hell.
Me: Why didn’t you just ask me?
Him: I feel like you should’ve known.
Me: I’m not a mind reader and you aren’t a kid. Tell me what you need.
There are so many miscommunications like this between us, like the time when our outside bar fell over in the wind and the glass top broke. He came outside and I said, “Oh it’s broken,” and he said, “Tell me the truth. What happened? Did you break it?”
I was horrified. Where’s the innocent until proven guilty? I felt disrespected and like a liar. After talking about it I realized this happened because our past communication had been like this. Out of fear, I may have told a white lie or left out details.
I further re-centered to realize that I had allowed us to talk this way to each other most of the time. I would get upset and then let it go. I didn’t state what I really thought or felt; not only did this not allow us to grow, but this allowed him to think everything was okay.
I finally found the courage to state my boundary for communication in our marriage, starting with: can we talk.
I would need more openness in our conversations. More direct communication about what you really mean to say rather than expecting that I “should just know.”
I would need you to just say, “Hey, can your put down your phone so I can ask you a question?” Even simply saying, “I’m not sure what to say right now” is better than the silence, the hesitation, the pause, which gives my ego a meaning, a reason to put me down and spiral me into that dark corner.
If you are telling me exactly what you need from me, and I from you, there is no interference, no misinformation, no blame, shame, or guilt in either one of us.
This simple interaction of just talking completely transformed the communication in our marriage. It also gave me the power and strength to express what I will and won’t stand for in our marriage, or in any relationship in my life.
Simply by talking. The energy around us becomes light, and we are able to accept the love that is between us. In honoring our words and our voice, we stand for the greatest human characteristic we have.
Other animals mate, cuddle, and kiss, but talking, that’s only a human trait, and it’s the key to all human interaction, since it’s the only way anyone can know what we’re thinking and feeling.
So talk, be vulnerable, say exactly what’s on your mind. Truth is, the other person may be thinking the same thing, and you could be the link that reopens communication and makes them feel human again. So let’s just talk…
Couple talking image via Shutterstock
“Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav
I was always a hopeless romantic. Since I was a little girl, I craved love and the fairy tale romance.
Growing up in a two-parent home, I was very fortunate to see that it was, in fact, possible. In my teen years, I remember fantasizing about the cute boy with the dimples and how he would take me to prom and eventually carry me over the threshold after our wedding night.
I thought that all relationships were unicorns and rainbows, but after a series of failed relationships and two marriages by the tender age of thirty-two, I realized that relationships are hard work, and that in order for it to be successful, it has to be a two way street.
You can’t force someone to love you. You can’t force someone to change. And you can’t push your values, beliefs, goals, dreams, and visions on someone else. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way.
The reality is that relationships are a series of ups and downs, and sometimes, they are downright confusing. Before you throw in the towel, remember why you started. If you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship, try these seven things to help bring it back to life.
I know it’s hard to keep a positive spirit when you feel like your relationship is falling apart. Take the time to really focus on what’s right, the things you love, the stuff that’s going well, and the good times you’ve had together.
When you’re discussing your relationship, highlight the good stuff and minimize the bad. You’ll feel better, and so will your partner.
I used to tell all my girlfriends about all the wrong my partner was doing and found that the more I looked for the bad, the more it showed up. But when I focused on the good things about him and why I still loved him, it made me appreciate him that much more.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you don’t deal with pressing issues or forget the problems at hand; it just means that you change the conversation to one that’s empowering to the relationship.
Let go of your anger and annoyance about small things that irritate you. It won’t be easy, but every moment you hold on to poisonous feelings is another moment that will steal your chance to be happy with the person you love.
You must always remember that no one is perfect—not even you. As long as you and your partner are trying and open to growth, there is still hope.
Remind yourself why you fell in love with them in the first place. We all have our own quirks and bad habits, and we expect our partners to love us despite all of that. Give them that same respect and understanding.
The downfall of my failed relationships was always that I demanded control. I wanted to be right in every situation. I wanted to prove something, and I failed miserably every time. No one won, and the relationships turned sour as resentment built. It’s not about being right or wrong; it’s about opening up, listening and understanding where your partner is coming from.
Loving yourself and working on yourself is the beginning of all change, whether the change is in you or in someone else. Simply put, you can’t change someone else, but you can encourage change in those around you by the love, positivity, radiance, and growth you reflect.
Spending your energy on pushing others to become what you want them to be will only detract from your own growth. Instead, focus on yourself and progressing in your own way. Live as an example for what you want to see in those around you.
Ask yourself what you’re really trying to achieve in your relationship; ask yourself why you are with this person. If you really love your partner, is that reflected in how you act toward them, speak to them, or treat them? If someone were to see how you act in your relationship, would they be able to see a couple that really loves each other?
If not, it may be time to start making decisions and actions based on the love and respect you have for your partner. Just like in the previous tip, you can’t just think you want something; you have to have action and feeling behind it.
If you love your partner and really want to make it work, then take the necessary steps and commit. But know that both of you have to be on the same page. A relationship can’t be one sided. If you do the best you can to make it work and it still doesn’t, at least you tried.
Take responsibility for your wrongdoings in the relationship. We are all so quick to blame our partners for why things went wrong. Look at yourself first. Take a day (or two) to observe your own behavior. Be honest about whether you have a mean edge in your voice or a condescending tone when you talk to your partner.
Try to think before you speak to your partner, take a few deep breaths, and then say what you need to say coming from a place of love. Fully engage with your partner and really listen when he speaks. You really do get what you give.
Find what makes you feel loved. Find what makes you feel alive and invite your partner to be a part of it. People that really love each other want to see their partner light up, have success, have fun, and live life.
Likewise, help your partner discover what lights them up and fills them with joy. Sharing these experiences together can spark up a dull flame, especially after years of just existing in the relationship.
This could be something simple, like doing starting a hobby or a club together, or something big, like starting a business with your partner.
I remember when my partner and I started our clothing business together. It brought us so much closer. We worked together and thrived in the business, and were able to bring that into the relationship. We had things to talk and strategize about and were able to bring those skills into our marriage.
Take risks. Do something fun. Do something scary. Try something new together. Think outside the box and take the relationship to a whole new level.
Try skydiving, bungee jumping, or take trapeze or surfing lessons together. Infuse fun and adventure back into the relationship. These moments will be sacred and last forever. The thrill, the adrenaline, the rush of doing something out of the ordinary can bring more life into a relationship than you can imagine.
If you want to salvage your relationship, you have to be willing to do the hard work, self-reflect, and then take action to balance your partner’s needs with your own. When things start to slide back, always remember to bring out your best self and treat your partner respectfully.
Relationships are meant for growth, not comfort, and even if you try all of these tips, it still may not work. The beauty of it all is that you are preparing for the best relationship of your life, whether it be with your current partner or a future one.
—
Every relationship happens for a reason. When you live and love with intention, awesome things start to happen.
Jumping couple image via Shutterstock
“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli
Sometimes I try really hard to control things.
I run two businesses so, in many ways, control gives me a sense of peace of mind.
When my team is doing what they are supposed to be doing, I can relax. When business is booming, I can relax. When I am getting what I want, I can relax.
This control freak-ness doesn’t just apply for me in just business. I used to be this way about my body, and I notice these tendencies even pop up in my relationships too.
When I feel like I am in control, I feel free. When I feel like I’m not in control, I feel frustrated, scared, and angry. It rocks my sense of security straight to my core.
It’s tough to admit, but it’s the truth.
I’m getting a lot better at relaxing without needing to be in control, and I’m realizing that the greatest control is in letting go of the need for it.
When I try to control, I get attached to how I think it should play out; I think I know the best way for things to happen. But many examples in my life have shown me that when I trust and let go of thinking I know best, the outcome is better than anything I could have imagined.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up the desire, it means letting go of the struggle.
It’s exhausting needing to be in control all the time, isn’t it? And the truth really is that any sense of control that we think that we have is false anyway.
Our greatest power is in learning how to trust. When we focus on our desires with a sense of non-attachment to exactly how they unfold, it releases the blocks and opens us up to greater opportunity.
Here are three ways I’ve learned to trust and let go of trying so hard to control.
Richard Branson has been one of my greatest mentors from afar. He amazes me with his ability to balance business, family, and fun in the perfect way for him. He doesn’t even own a desk, and never has!
I love watching the videos that Virgin posts on their blog about his life, because they remind me that creativity and great ideas come from stepping away from work and letting your mind open up. Richard says he gets some of his best ideas while in the bath, and he kite surfs every day, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes.
While we don’t all have the luxury of our own private island to jet away to (yet), we do have the ability to take a long walk outside in nature, start our morning with even just five minutes of meditation or yoga, or turn the computer off an hour earlier each night.
Taking time to enjoy life will only inspire and rejuvenate your energy for your work.
Compare and despair. Have you ever gone on Facebook to see what your friends are up to, and then twenty minutes later you are down in the dumps because somehow you ended up on a thread or a site comparing yourself to that person and where you think you should be?
The second we get caught up in comparison, it sucks the creativity and energy right out of us. One of the best things I’ve done for myself is cut back on looking around at what everyone else is doing.
I finally got to the point where I realized that, not only am I never going to measure up to them, I never want to!
I want what I want, not what they have. So now I just try to stay in my own little bubble, working on the creative projects that excite me.
Every now and then I do look around to see what others are up to, but I am super conscious to continuously check in with myself and ask, “Is this what I want to create for myself?” versus immediately judging how I measure up to their level of success.
I also remind myself that I am on the right path, because I am on my path.
The human body is an amazing machine, one that most of us take for granted. We get signals from our body all day long, signals I call inner wisdom or intuition. Oftentimes, we ignore those signals and choose to follow what everybody else is telling us to do instead.
Our body really has a vast amount of information that can help us with making decisions. When I am trying to control, I am totally ignoring my intuition. The more I relax into the flow, the more I rely on my intuition to guide me.
Sometimes my body tells me I need a fifteen-minute nap. Sometimes it tells me that it’s not time to write the blog post right now and instead I should focus on something else. Whatever it is, I really try to listen and override the ego part of me that tells me I must push or force things to happen in order to succeed.
It’s the difference between being solution-oriented versus problem-oriented, or in other words, inspiration-driven versus fear-driven.
As a society, I feel like we need to remind each other often that an unhappy journey does not lead to a happy ending. It’s like we believe that if an achievement doesn’t involve stress or hardship, we don’t deserve it.
We do deserve it, and we deserve a life built around a lot of ease and fun.
What’s one thing you do to let go and release stress?
“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron
I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. From the time I was very young, I would worry about things—my life, my parents, my house, the state of the world.
I would experience a tightness in my chest and an overall sense of fear that only got worse the more I worried. The more I worried, the more afraid I became of the unseen factors that plagued me.
Anxiety is distress, caused by fear of danger or misfortune, and over the years this worry has driven me. It’s helped me to be high-achieving and extremely productive, all the while depleting my nervous system and creating exhaustion throughout my entire being.
As an adult, I have recognized how this unnecessary fear has limited my ability to enjoy and be fully present within my life.
I’ve learned that taking action, or guiding my thoughts down a more positive path, can transform my feelings to a much more grounded and peaceful place. I’ve created my own road map to navigate stress, anxiety, and worry in five steps.
When anxiety hits, everything around us seems to speed up. Physically, we feel our heart rate quicken or breath become shorter; and mentally, we might start to head down a rabbit hole of worst-case scenarios.
When this happens, slow down. Shift activities, call a friend, watch a funny YouTube video, go for a run—anything that interrupts the cascade of worry and overwhelm that can create a mountain out of any molehill.
Sometimes, just labeling exactly where you are in time and space (i.e. “I am driving to work.” “I am sitting at my desk.”), helps to refocus the brain and disrupt the physiological response that happens when stressors arise.
Focusing on what is actually happening instead of “what if” helps us to minimize our initial reaction of panic and fear to awareness.
Because anxiety is driven by fear, it is both empowering and helpful to label where the fear actually stems from. Many times, this can be from a fear of losing something—security, money, friendship, or love.
By noting mentally what we are afraid might happen in a given situation, we can easier recognize the worry for what it is, most often, a fear of loss. The next time you feel anxiety coming on, it may be helpful to ask yourself which of these areas you fear losing?
As human beings, we have a tendency to focus on what is not going well, limiting our beliefs to those that focus on scarcity or lack. When anxiety is high, it can be much easier to focus on all that is wrong or bad instead of what is working or going well.
By simply pausing and recognizing where you might be holding on too tightly or limiting your possibilities, you may notice that the picture is, in fact, much bigger than you had originally thought.
We often learn from problems, mistakes, or painful events. Reminding yourself in a moment of panic that you’ve always landed on your feet can help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Envisioning yourself on the other side of this stress, lesson in hand, can be enormously helpful in actually getting you there. Sometimes simply reframing the situation to seek the lesson or hidden positive at the onset of a stressful situation can be useful in diffusing some of the anxiety.
—
I have learned, through years of exploring and recognizing my own anxiety triggers, how to create a sense of peace and calm even when things seem dire.
As human beings, we are capable of creating our experience and have the power to choose whether we lead with fear and anxiety or an open heart and mind. Which do you choose? What experience will you create?
Woman in a field image via Shutterstock
“The best way out is always through.” ~Robert Frost
Earlier this year my partner, our son, and I all moved to Santa Barbara from Oregon. People move all the time, but for us it was a huge step.
My partner had a new exciting dream job, and we were eager to experience the sunshine of California. But our son was only six months old at the time, and we were leaving both our families and all of our friends. On top of that, I was leaving my successful private practice in Chinese Medicine to become a stay-at-home-mom.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I was determined to turn the move into a positive new opportunity for myself. It was a chance to renew my commitment to blogging, perhaps work on that book I’ve been talking about writing, maybe start a coaching practice?
We arrived in January, excited to find sunny skies and mild weather, while our friends and family were complaining about the rain. We both started a cleanse, determined to start the New Year off to a healthy start. We walked more, took our son out for strolls.
My partner went off to work, and I was determined to dive into re-inventing my business. All I needed was determination, the right attitude, and everything would just come flowing my way, right?
Friends would call and ask me how I was: “GREAT!” I would answer, determined to keep a smile on my face.But it wasn’t great. Nothing was working. In the few spare minutes I had between chasing a six-month-old, I would try and write. But I was stuck and I couldn’t figure out why.
I even hired a life coach, thinking all I needed was someone to point me in the right direction. The first thing she said was “You are back at square one, it’s not time to be making plans.” I burst into tears.
She explained how I had to take the time to grieve my old life. I had to grieve the loss of my career, my identity, friends, family, even the loss of my favorite grocery store if that is what it took.
No wonder nothing was working! I was so determined to think positively about my new transition I didn’t even take time to feel sad.
It was like I hadn’t even landed in my new home; I was just walking around about a foot off the ground in a bubble of “everything is fine,” when really, I wasn’t fine; I was sad.
I took her advice and it made all the difference. Here is what I learned about when positive thinking can actually slow you down:
I was so afraid to feel sad because I thought I would be blocking myself from positive experiences. The trick was letting myself feel the sadness without attaching a story to it. Like, “I will never find friends” or “I will never get my practice started.” It was the negative stories that weren’t helpful, not my feelings.
Feelings are just like the weather; they can’t be controlled and they are always changing. I found that if I just let myself be in the sadness, it passed so much quicker.
Shortly after this realization I took some time just for myself. I quit blogging, quit planning, quit putting so much pressure on myself, and just let myself be sad. I cried. I napped when my son napped.
Planning and being busy were just another way for me to avoid how I was feeling. I needed time to turn inward, not expand outward.
This was a hard one because I wanted to blame my unhappiness on our new home. But as hard as I tried, the beauty and charm of our new home won me over.
As I took time for myself, I made sure to be grateful that we had landed in such a beautiful spot. Having something to be grateful for really helped me keep my head above water.
At one point I thought it was never going to shift, but then it did. Little by little, I began being excited by life here. I stopped feeling like I was missing something so much. With that shift came new friendships, new business opportunities, even a renewed sense of fun and adventure in my relationship.
This was the magic I was looking for; it had to come from a place of true, grounded joy, not hollow optimism that I thought I had to fake.
There is nothing wrong with trying to keep a positive attitude, but it can’t come at the expense of your true feelings.
Only by allowing yourself to be present with more difficult emotions can you begin to move through them and create space for a new experience. Real happiness comes only when the positive thoughts in your head are aligned with the true joy in your heart.
Man under raincloud image via Shutterstock