Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • When You Want to Make a Change but Feel Confused and Scared

    When You Want to Make a Change but Feel Confused and Scared

    “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Have you ever had an inner knowing that it was time to make some life changes, but you felt too confused to make them?

    I’ve certainly felt that way a time or two. After I graduated college years ago, I felt completely confused about what I was going to do with my life. I was asking myself questions like: How am I going to find meaning? What should I do for a career? How can I make my dreams a reality?

    But what if you feel so confused about your life that you end up doing nothing?

    I remember moving home after college, lying in bed and reading fiction books for hours. I wanted to escape from the intense confusion and endless questions running through my mind.

    The reality is, I was scared. I was scared to start a job, but also scared not to. I was scared to move away from the comforts of home, but deep down I couldn’t wait to get out. I was scared of the unknown, but also excited by the fact that anything could happen!

    I was afraid to make a change, so I tricked myself into thinking that it was too complicated and confusing. For a couple months I did nothing, and my frustration grew.

    Fear-based confusion is when you have an inner knowing that things are “off,” or you want to make a major life change, but you feel too confused to take action.

    It seems like there are too many problems, unknowns, reasons why-not, or decisions that are too difficult to make. So you stay confused.

    Does this sound familiar? Maybe you’re confused about making a career change, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, or getting your finances in order. I think we’ve all experienced this fear-gripping confusion in one form or another, and I know how frustrating it can feel.

    I’ve noticed that when you’re aware we’re confused because we’re scared, it can drastically reduce your stress about it.

    You’re certainly not alone or helpless. And luckily, fear-based confusion is easy to move beyond. Below are my top ways to move through life confusion and finally get clear on what you want so you can take action toward it.

    1. Follow your excitement.

    If the fear runs deep, following your excitement will help. For example, instead of trying to answer the question, “What should I do with my life?” ask yourself, “What excites me right now?”

    Make a list of all the activities and experiences that excite you, but try not to judge your list. For example, simply riding my bike to a local cafe for some homemade chai in the morning really excites me. It doesn’t matter if things on your list seem small or insignificant.

    There are several benefits to following what excites you in this moment. One, you start to feel more excited about your life. And two, your excitement usually leads you to people and experiences that will help you set a direction for yourself (more on this below).

    Follow what excites you now, and know that your sources of excitement are going to shift and change as you grow.

    Following your excitement is much less daunting than trying to figure out your whole life. In addition, it leaves room for expansion and gives you the freedom to continually try new things.

    2. Decide on your direction.

    Decide very clearly on the direction you want to go in. Making a clear decision is the quickest way out of confusion. I know this sounds obvious, but sometimes we have insane inner thoughts that hold us back. Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve this.”

    But you most definitely are good enough, and you do deserve peace no matter what you’re telling yourself. Believe in yourself enough to make a decision and know that you will make the right one. Don’t worry about making a “bad” decision. In my opinion, making no decision at all is often worse.

    In my example above, after a couple of months living with my parents and sinking deeper into my confusion, I decided to pack a backpack and travel to Spain. I didn’t really have any idea how that was going to help me answer my “big” life questions, but it excited me.

    When I got back home from that trip, I felt confident and even more excited. I then made the concrete decision to move across the country to Northern California, and that completely changed everything for me.

    The point is, it didn’t really matter what I did. It was my initial decision to do something that got me out of my confusion.

    Once you make the initial decision, the Universe will start to provide you with people and experiences that help you move forward. Breathe, become aware of how your decision feels in your body, and act on whatever option has a sense of lightness and openness to it.

    3. Release your expectations.

    Expectations lead to disappointment. Usually, when we finally make the decision to change, we proceed to come up with a detailed plan for how it should all go down. We immediately search for something that will make us feel secure in the face of change.

    But the truth is, you can manifest change much more quickly when you open yourself up the all the possibilities that you haven’t even thought of yet.

    It’s perfectly okay to focus on what you want, but I like to try and leave the details to the Universe and simply focus on what I’m excited and capable of doing right now. This allows you to feel joy now instead of making your joy dependant on a certain outcome in the future.

    You are meant to be here. As you focus on following what excites you in this moment, the clouds of confusion begin to part and you can see your direction more clearly. Then, moving toward it with inner confidence becomes natural.

    It’s okay to feel vulnerable in the process, but I know from experience that the vulnerability associated with change is completely worth it. You’re worth it. Don’t let the confusion hold you back a moment longer. Once you take the first step, everything else will unfold for you.

  • Happiness: True and False

    Happiness: True and False

    Happy. True and False

    Source: Original Smiley

  • How To Respond When Someone Takes Advantage of You

    How To Respond When Someone Takes Advantage of You

    Sad Woman

    “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

    Several months ago, I moved into a new house. During the inspection of my old house, I was expecting to receive my whole security deposit back.

    I didn’t. The landlady took advantage of the situation and withheld part of my deposit.

    She charged me the price of cleaning the whole house even though I was only renting a room in the house. And she charged for me something that was already damaged when I moved in, falsely claiming that I was the one who damaged the item.

    There really wasn’t much I could do. The amount of money she was keeping wasn’t enough to make legal action worthwhile. Nor, obviously, could I force her to give me the money.

    What made the situation even worse is that I had repeatedly gone out of my way to help the landlady. Whenever she asked me for a simple favor, I did my best to oblige.

    The truth is that I considered her a friend. Yet in the end, all she cared about was money.

    Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a calm, easy-going person. It takes a lot to get me upset.

    This got me upset. I ranted. I raved. I yelled. All to no avail.

    I was completely powerless to change the situation, which is probably what caused me to react the way I did.

    I’m not proud of how I acted in this situation. I obviously felt quite frustrated and my feeling of powerlessness fueled my anger.

    At the same time, I know that I could have handled the situation better, that I could have behaved in a more mature way.

    Since this happened several months ago, I’ve had plenty of time and emotional distance to think through what I could have done differently.

    When possible, prepare ahead of time for the worst.

    I was caught off guard. Before the meeting with my ex-landlady, I never considered the possibility that she might withhold part of my deposit.

    If I had a do-over, I would have mentally prepared myself ahead of time for this possibility. The benefit of preparing for the worst is that I would have overestimated the amount she might withhold.

    I still would have been upset about not getting my full deposit back, but much less so.

    Advocate for yourself without losing control.

    Even if you’re in a situation in which the other person has control, you can still advocate for your position. You can try to get the other person to see your point of view and perhaps negotiate an agreement.

    Losing control, however, doesn’t allow the other person to hear our point of view and rarely gets us what we want.

    Instead, losing control can cause situations to degenerate quickly and can lead us to act in ways that we later regret.

    If you calmly advocate for yourself, there’s no guarantee you’ll get your way. But losing control does guarantee that you won’t get what you want.

    Take the higher road and preserve your integrity.

    If the other person has complete or almost complete power over the situation and they refuse to compromise or negotiate, you’re probably best off taking the higher road and preserving your integrity.

    Be the bigger person. Just because someone else chooses to act without integrity, that doesn’t mean that we have to follow them.

    My yelling and ranting and raving accomplished nothing, except to make myself look foolish. And to lower my opinion of myself.

    I don’t want to be the type of person who yells and rants and raves. I want to be the type of person who can assert my position calmly. That’s where my integrity is.

    Acknowledge your own imperfections.

    The truth is that I’m far from perfect.

    Have I ever engaged in similar behavior, being less than honest with someone else, taking advantage of someone else? The answer is yes.

    In Byron Katie’s The Work, she asks us to do “turnarounds” in which we look inward at our own behavior rather than focus outward on other people’s behavior.

    When I did this, I was able to generate a list of times when I’ve taken advantage of other people, just like my ex-landlady took advantage of me.

    If we want others to be honest in their dealings with us, we need to start by changing our own behavior first. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

    Forgive the other person.

    You don’t have to like the other person’s behavior. But you can still forgive them for the choices they’ve made.

    Forgiveness isn’t about the other person; forgiveness is about maintaining our own peace of mind. Forgiveness allows us to let go of anger and return to a state of peace.

    On the other hand, holding onto anger gains us nothing, causes us more pain, and keeps us stuck in the path.

    Get help or eliminate the person from your life.

    In my situation, there was no need to have ongoing contact with the woman who took advantage of me.

    But that’s not always the case. You might be in a situation where someone who is a regular part of your life is taking advantage of you.

    If you are, then you need to take a good hard look at the situation and decide how you want to handle it.

    You might choose to eliminate the person from your life if they’re unwilling to accept responsibility and change their behavior.

    If you can’t eliminate the person from your life, then another option is to elicit help or support from someone else. Someone who has more power to change the situation then what you have.

    —

    Chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve been taken advantage of by someone you trusted. And you felt powerless to do anything about it.

    In the end, we can’t control others’ behavior, but we can control our own. We do have power over our own choices.

    We might feel helpless in these situations, but the reality is that we’re anything but helpless. The next time you’re in a situation where someone is taking advantage of you, I encourage you to take a pause and mindfully decide how you want to handle the situation.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • Pacing Yourself When You Want the Pain to Stop

    Pacing Yourself When You Want the Pain to Stop

    Pace Yourself

    “The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I was in pain.

    My legs hurt, I felt nauseated, my heart thumped hard and fast, and I labored for every breath.

    I was halfway up a steep, three-mile hill, and I was so exhausted I could barely keep my bike upright.

    My mind tried desperately to solve this problem: “Should I stop? I should stop. No! I’ve done this hill in the past without stopping—what’s the problem this time? I hate this! Why is this so painful?”

    I glanced over at my riding buddy, Keila. She was pedaling slowly and methodically. I couldn’t hear her breathing at all. Of course, it was hard to hear over my loud gasps.

    I uttered an expletive.

    I kept going. The road stayed the same, but I suffered more and more.

    After twenty more minutes of cardiovascular hell, we reached the top of the hill.

    I unclipped from my pedals and stood over my bike, elbows on the handlebar, head hanging as I tried to regain my breath.

    In the middle of a wheeze I looked over at Keila. She was standing over her bike, too. But she was on her phone texting someone. No sign of struggle there.

    After a few minutes, I was able to stand upright and Keila was done texting. We had climbed this hill together many times. Today had been a bad, bad day for me.

    Still panting, I said to Keila, “That was awful. I wonder why it was so hard this time?”

    A wise and observant young woman, Keila softly replied, “It’s because when you start to suffer, you speed up. And then you get mad.”

    I looked at her for a moment and then, despite my still thudding heart, I laughed.

    She was right.

    An experienced cyclist, Keila acted as my coach when I first started riding. One of the things she always had a hard time getting me to understand was how to pace myself, especially going uphill.

    I had actually become fairly good at it, but today I had forgotten the lesson. Today, when I came to a very steep section of the challenging hill, I tried to speed up to make the pain stop.

    But then I didn’t have enough energy for the rest of the climb and really struggled.

    Out of fuel and suffering, I got angry and swore at the pain and myself.

    After I recovered from the ride, I started thinking about what Keila said:

    “When you start to suffer, you speed up. And then you get mad.”

    I began to wonder if this manifested itself in my life off the bike, too.

    It didn’t take long to see the pattern.

    • Averse to being in conflict with anyone, I often sped up during disagreements, either acquiescing to the other person or abruptly cutting them out of my life.
    • Times of confusion or indecision also caused me to speed up such that I would make impulsive choices just so I wouldn’t have to suffer any longer with being unsettled.
    • At the beginning of a long period of deep and heavy grief, I quickly latched onto someone I thought would help me get past the pain only to have that person bring me more heartache and sadness.
    • And, during some of these times of indecision, confusion, conflict, or sadness, I used anger as a motivator to propel me into action, but again, usually in a rash, compulsive manner.

    Inevitably, these “speed up maneuvers” backfired on me. I ended up regretting choices I made, cut off people I would have enjoyed keeping in my life, and lost myself in the process of getting the pain to stop.

    But I also noticed that as I’ve aged and become more conscious of my speed up maneuvers, I’ve learned to pace myself more. To move more slowly and with greater awareness of my actions and their outcomes.

    And I’ve learned that pacing myself doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

    When I’m on my bike and climbing a hill, I still get to a point that I’m suffering no matter what I do.

    But when I pace myself rather than try to outrace the pain, I have confidence that I can both tolerate the suffering and make it to the top of the hill.

    So now, when I pace myself during life’s struggles, I don’t hold on to illusions that it’s not going to hurt in some way.

    I have confidence in the knowledge that slowing down and moving forward with awareness will allow me to manage the suffering so that I can make it to the top of whatever emotional hill lies in front of me.

    I encourage you to identify your speed up maneuvers.

    What do you do when you’re suffering?

    What are the ways you try to get the pain to stop that only drain your energy and cause you to struggle even more?

    How can you pace yourself so that, even though moving forward may still hurt, you can make it to the top of the hill?

    On our next ride, I told Keila about my insights that sprang from her quiet observation of my cycling struggles.

    She laughed gently and said, “Everything that happens on the bike relates to what happens off the bike, Bobbi.”

    Amen to that, Keila.

    Amen to that.

    Tired man image via Shutterstock

  • How I Broke Free from Depression When I Felt Suicidal

    How I Broke Free from Depression When I Felt Suicidal

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    I was diagnosed with clinical depression and prescribed anti-depressants when I was twenty-one years old. I refer to this point in my life as the “Dark Ages.”

    Leading up to grad school, I’d suddenly become afflicted with incomprehensible despair.

    At seventeen, for the first time (at least for the first time I could remember), I considered suicide. I felt as if life should’ve been more than what it was. I had a deep sense that I was supposed to be contributing something spectacular to the world, to the tune of curing cancer or working with AIDS patients in Africa.

    As such, I fell short of my ideal self, and this illusion ravaged my soul. So I emptied a parents’ prescription medication into my palm, retreated into my room, and prepared for my tragic exit.

    As I was bringing the pills to my mouth, I heard the ring of an incoming instant message. I’d forgotten to sign offline. This friend of mine spent the next hour or so hearing me out. I was literally saved by the bell.

    But my despair kept visiting me like a persistent acquaintance that wanted to be more than friends. By the time I was in grad school, he’d showed himself in and made himself comfortable, asking me how long he could stay this time.

    I didn’t have an answer for him because I was getting comfortable playing house with the ole chap, until one day I realized I’d locked myself in with him, condemning myself to be a prisoner in what soon evolved into his house. We were cellmates, he and I.

    At times, I felt empty. Only a shell of a person. At other times, I felt overwhelming hopelessness and sobbed without end, uncontrollably and inconsolably.

    Still, other times I felt rage over my past, which was stained with childhood sexual abuse. And then there were the times I simply felt like being silent and alone.

    I was at the bottom of a shadowy well, and the sunlight above seemed impossibly out of reach. Could I ever climb out of this? I wondered. Or was I doomed to forever suffer this terrible fate, plagued with suicidal ideation, loneliness, and raw debilitating emotions for the rest of my life?

    As it were, I found a way out.

    It wasn’t easy. I wouldn’t lie to you.

    And yes, there are still times when I lose my way and unintentionally trip back into that old, dark well.

    But I’m stronger these days, and I’m able to catch a protruding ledge on my way down and hold my weight.

    I’m strong enough to climb back out. In fact, I’ve never fallen all the way to the bottom again, but even if I did, I’ve developed an interminable tenacity that will always see me climbing toward the sunlight one more time.

    So how did I do it?

    First, I freed myself from prison.

    That is to say, I owned my story. As I hailed from an evangelical Christian background at the time, it was a struggle to come out with regards to depression (as it is with any giant we face). The doctrine of many such religious institutions asserts that if you only believe enough, pray enough, fast enough, give enough…then your trial will pass.

    Miracles certainly can and still do occur, but the problem with such doctrines is the failure to realize that some afflictions are meant to remain with us—whether to assist us with our own personal development or to raise the collective consciousness of those around us.

    Further, people often find that they have no reason to own a “sob story.” This is perhaps one of the biggest locks on silence’s prison. We believe only people with certain circumstances deserve to be depressed. If, however, you are successful, loved, and seem to have it all, then what reason have you to feel sad?

    Unfortunately, people don’t realize that this is precisely what some forms of the attack take—feeling despair even when there are no external reasons why you should feel that way.

    Whatever your cause, the first step in taking the reins back where it concerns your life is to simply own your story and admit to yourself what you feel.

    Next, share your story.

    I never really saw myself as a potential poster child for sexual abuse survivorship or for mental health. All I knew was that every time I shared my story with someone, I felt my heart cast off a dead weight and become lighter.

    Know this: Repression only causes further depression. The more you resist your story, the more you push it deeper into the recesses of your soul, the more likely it is that your depression and silence will take physical manifestation (for me: panic attacks, among other things).

    The cure? Share your story. Yes, it will be scary at first, but you’ll soon be amazed by the sense of liberation and freedom that you feel shortly afterward. Share it with a friend. A family member. A support group. Share it on an online forum. Share it below in the comments if you’d like. Just share it!

    When we do away with silence, we not only free ourselves from its prison but we build community with each other and force loneliness to dissolve.

    Lastly, declare war.

    I had to make a decision. Was I going to let depression collar me up and take me out for walks whenever it so chose, or was I going to reverse roles and become the master of my own life?

    Was I going to fight this?

    Was I going to throw ropes down that old familiar well so that on days when I did trip and fall in, I’d have something to hold on to?

    Yes, I decided. I was. I owed it to myself. Because I was worthy. Because I deserved love. Because I deserved peace. And so do you.

    Our wars, like any war out there, are fraught with countless battles. It’s also entirely a trial-and-error type of warfare you’ll be enacting. Sometimes you’ll be on the offense; sometimes on the defense. Sometimes you’ll feel winded with defeat; other times you’ll feel high with triumph.

    What’s important to remember is that everyone is different. What works for one person may not work for you. What works for you for one season may not work in the next.

    You have to commit to continually finding new weapons and keeping the ones that are most effective. My own arsenal has consisted of things like: yoga, meditation, breath work, community, hobbies, exercise, professional help, medication, music, and more.

    And my encouragement to you would be to try all of these things and then some, and constantly evaluate and assess their impact on you.

    But what I most what you to remember, my sweet kindred soul, is that you are so much more than a diagnosis; and more importantly, you are not alone.

    I stand with you—as do millions of others around the world. And I believe hope can be yours. I believe, in fact, that hope already lives inside of you.

    It’s the voice deep in your heart that keeps you going, day after day. It’s what compelled you to even read this post. It’s the stirring up inside of you that wonders at a brighter tomorrow.

    Together, I believe we can combine the energy of our individual hopes until they come an unstoppable cosmic force that not even the most relentless of giants can contend with until we’ve reached every last one of us with the message our souls yearn to hear: you are not alone, you are loved, and we will stand with you through every storm that comes your way.

  • A Beginner’s Guide To Trying New Things

    A Beginner’s Guide To Trying New Things

    Yoga

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    I have a confession: I was really scared of trying yoga for the first time.

    I know, I know, it’s not exactly bungee jumping or skydiving, activities that warrant a certain amount of fear. In fact, yoga seems downright tame by comparison. But I was still scared nonetheless.

    Someone recommended the age-old practice to me to stretch out my perpetually tight hamstrings and strengthen my bad knee. But instead of jumping at the chance to heal my body through gentle, non-invasive movements, I just felt breathless resistance.

    I was worried about pushing my body to its limits; folding it into all those limb-defying, uncomfortable-looking positions.

    I was scared to rock up in my dark-and-sensible workout outfit, entirely unfashionable next to the skimpy neon ensembles I imagined on everyone else.

    But most of all, I dreaded the idea of not being good at it. Of being a beginner, a novice, an amateur.

    But where does such thinking get us?

    If we’re not prepared to start out as a beginner, we are limiting ourselves to a very small selection of things that we have a natural affinity for. We are closing ourselves off from a boat-load of new experiences. We may think we are protecting ourselves, yet it’s really just keeping us small and stifled.

    Dan John, a famed weight lifting coach, has an expression which he often uses on his students: “You’re not good enough to be disappointed.”

    At first, this might seem like a harsh statement, a “get over yourself, you’re no good anyway” statement.

    But it’s actually an extremely liberating concept. When we start out trying something new and unknown, it’s normal to be bad at it. In fact, it’s normal to be utterly terrible at it. That’s what beginning is all about.

    And Mr John’s insightful statement tells us that as beginners, we have no need to be angry or frustrated at ourselves for our lack of ability. In fact, we have no right to—we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we should be doing, at the level that is perfect for us in that moment.

    We are beginning. And it is a raw and uncomfortable and difficult phase to navigate.

    As children we did it boldly, with ease. In fact, we were applauded loudly for making such attempts—faltering steps and crash landings were considered cause for celebration.

    Now though, as adults, we are so scared to fall down—to look foolish or downright stupid—that we restrain ourselves from venturing into the unknown. And we are the poorer for it.

    Buddha says that we should be cultivating a “beginner’s mind”—that glorious state where we see fresh perspectives with kind eyes and a compassionate spirit.

    So, in the spirit of the beginner’s mind, and with the firm knowledge that I had no right to be disappointed, I ventured forth into the mysterious, unknown world of yoga.

    And of course, I struggled and I wobbled and I fell over at one point. I got sweaty and frustrated and absolutely wanted to walk out. But I kept up a constant stream of whispering in my own ear: be kind, be gentle, keep going.

    And I did.

    One class turned into two, then three, then four, until suddenly, a weekly habit was born. A weekly habit that now fills me with such incredible peace and stillness, taking my raucous, monkey mind and allowing it incredibly long moments of peace at a stretch (seriously, like twenty whole seconds of unadulterated bliss at a time!).

    And all of this borne off the back of my Buddhist and weightlifting-inspired mantra: Be kind, be gentle, keep going.

    What can the mantra of the beginner do for you?

    Yoga image via Shutterstock

  • How to Let Go of Guilt and Regret and Forgive Yourself

    How to Let Go of Guilt and Regret and Forgive Yourself

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boes

    In October of 2010 I was engaged after only three weeks of dating. I was scared to tell my family, but I was terrified to tell my father. My parents divorced when I was five, and I couldn’t spend weekends at Dad’s because he lived thousands of miles away. I saved him for last and decided to take the cowardly way out by emailing him.

    It was not the best decision I’ve ever made. Not only did it infuriate and hurt him, it ended up producing a phone call that would alter my life forever. It was a call filled with horrible words that left me in tears and him hanging up on me. I’ve managed to erase most of the words from my head but not how devastating they felt.

    Six months later we were married in a private ceremony on a beach in Jamaica. After we got back I was still bothered by the fight I had with my father, but I tried to push it to the back of my mind.

    Shortly after, my father began reaching out to me through emails and voicemail. He wanted to meet my new husband and see me. Through email, things became pleasant and we made plans to come visit him in Florida that August.

    My father left another voicemail saying he was still waiting for me to call back and tell him about my trip, yet something was stopping me. Fear, dread, anxiety, and many other emotions made me freeze at the thought of picking up the phone and calling him.

    What if this phone call turns out like the last? Every day I came up with a new excuse and told myself I would call the next day. This was until I ran out of days.

    Two months later my oldest brother called me at work to tell me Dad had passed away that morning. He had been sick for some time, but because of our strained relationship and the strained relationship he had with most of my other siblings, I had no idea how sick. I do remember the first thought that went through my head. I can’t call him back….ever.

    After my father’s death I fell into a foggy depression. For a long time I was unable to focus at work, I isolated myself from all of my friends, and tried to avoid anything that required being social or productive. I was holding myself back from living and slowly dying myself.

    My husband, who was my savior and biggest support system, helped pushed me toward the road to self-forgiveness by asking me this question: “Why can you forgive your father for being absent most of your life, yet you can’t forgive yourself for not calling him back? I don’t get it.” I didn’t either.

    It was time to let go of the guilt, and from then on as I began my days with sadness, I searched for different ways to get rid of it.

    Reach out to others who can help you understand.

    When I was feeling upset, I would ask my mom questions about my dad. I learned more about him in the short time after his death than I knew during his whole life. Her stories helped explain to me why he was the way he was, and in return it helped me realize why I was the way I was. His tendency to avoid confrontation and taking the easy way out made me realize I was my father’s daughter.

    Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or even a therapist, reaching out to someone may lead to answers that help you better understand yourself and your situation.

    Channel your present guilt and regret into something else.

    I didn’t risk calling my father, so I took another risk. For many years it had been my personal and professional dream to write and publish a children’s picture book. I started asking around if anyone knew of someone who could illustrate my story.

    When I asked my mother, she replied, “Your father. He was so good at drawing. He was so good at painting too.” Over time she showed me some of the ceramic pieces he painted years ago.

    Right then I felt even more determined to find an illustrator and self publish my story. Most importantly, it made me feel closer to him. Learning about his hidden talent was like a push from him to go through with my dream.

    What has been your life long dream? There’s no better time than the now to start going after it. The journey you take and the energy you put into it are worth the rewards.

    Change your environment.

    I started to surround myself with those who showed me that life is limitless, children. I took up a nanny job and started to spend more time with my nieces. There’s nothing like the excitement and positive outlook of a child to show you there is more to life than the bad things you experience. You cry over something, you pick yourself up, and start to play again.

    It was hard to let sadness consume me after spending the day with constantly laughing and eager to explore children. They reminded me to enjoy the little things I’d taken for granted. They reminded me the future will be okay.

    Migrate to positive people in your life or new ones you meet. A different perspective on life may help change yours as well.

    Stopped dwelling on the what ifs and focus on the positive results.

    I still hear his last voicemail in my head to this day. “Steph, I’m waiting for you to call me back and tell me about your trip.” No, I never called him back and our last conversation will always be a fight. But that fight sparked a reconciliation. It sparked effort on his part, effort I had been waiting for, for a very long time.

    You can’t go and change the past, so there’s no point in obsessing over it. Even if it takes you months to figure it out, search for the positive that resulted from your negative situation.

    Believe that you deserve to be forgiven.

    I still haven’t 100% forgiven myself, but I’m getting there. I consider myself lucky because on the days that aren’t so good and I can‘t call him back…ever, I get comfort from my biggest support system. It is the support system whom my father wanted to meet and get to know, my husband.

    When I remember the progress my father and I were making, it helps put me at ease and I can breath a little easier. It also helps me to hope and work for great things in the future. I deserve my own forgiveness and I know my father believes I do as well.

    Believe you deserve to be forgiven. We are not perfect but we are still worthy of happiness. Once you can accept that, self-forgiveness will follow and enlarge a future filled with greatness. The world is your canvas, but if you continue to let guilt hold you back, it will forever remain blank. Pick yourself up and start to play again.

  • Letting Go of the Past So You Can Be Reborn

    Letting Go of the Past So You Can Be Reborn

    Reborn

    “In the end what matters most is: How well did you live? How well did you love? How well did you learn to let go?” ~Unknown

    In a matter of days, it was all gone: the role in a company I adored, the future I had imagined, and our friend Max, so loved by all who knew him.

    The loss washed over me in a sudden gust. I was being called to begin again, to re-examine what I thought was important. And, in facing the feelings that arose with being stripped abruptly of these attachments, the inessential was forced to fall away, bowing to the essential.

    Re-birth can sound so majestic, so beautiful. It can signify a time of starting fresh, of being conjured anew, of creating a blank page for the future. Flowers are born anew each spring, butterflies born from their cocoons.

    The scent of re-birth can imply blue skies and endless vast horizons. Everything is suddenly awoken, stirring with possibility.

    But re-birth does not always occur as the delicate unfolding of blossoming petals. Sometimes, it entails the unnerving shriek of the phoenix consumed by the flames. Sometimes, it’s the pressure from the heat that turns coal into diamonds.

    Often, we must taste the darkness of death before we can rise from the ashes with a strength and courage we did not even know we had, until it was tested.

    In this experience of loss, I was initially distraught for days—brought to my knees as the figurative tower of everything I was building with all my heart and soul crumbled around me. Pieces of rubble showered me with a deep reality check, a wake up call.

    Part of me was angry, and tempted to launch into more “doing” to “prove myself” and to begin rebuilding immediately and swiftly so as to “undo” the loss.

    But that denial could not last long. Instead, I had to accept and be with the grief of what was gone, and surrender to the new task of letting my life speak to me and through me, rather than trying so hard to dictate all my days.

    When we cling to things, we struggle. When we grasp at what we desire, we suffocate it. When we identify with a laundry list of accomplishments, we always fall short in the end.

    You may have heard the saying “We are human beings, not human doings.” Living is a balance of both: centering yourself in who you are, and then expressing that core self through what you do in the world, as you grow within it.

    Our focus can so often be on the externals that we get caught up in the scramble to achieve and forget what is really important, what truly defines us.

    When our friend Max passed, people did not honor the castles he’d built, or the deeds he’d done. They honored the spirit of immense life and joy that he embodied, lived, and spread through being fully himself in every moment.

    They remembered how deliciously Max dreamed, how immensely he believed, and how sweetly he treated everyone around him.

    In death, we have the chance to appreciate and glorify the best in others; but why wait until then? Why not uplift each other and magnify our gifts while we are here, together, in this crazy beautiful flesh?

    In every moment, we have the chance to taste the fragility of life in death, and choose to re-invent ourselves through becoming re-born again and again and again.

    But first you must transform anything that does not serve, you must release what you hold on to so tightly, you must agree to melt.

    In truth, when the caterpillar goes into its cocoon, it actually proceeds to dissolve into a pool of atoms. It lets go of its old form and completely comes undone. That is how it reconfigures itself and transforms into its next glorious form as a butterfly.

    In my own life, I have taken a pause from re-creating. I know re-birth will come, and that soon it will be time to fly again. But before that, I immerse myself in the process of bowing with humility and utmost surrender, listening to the wisdom in the silence.

    It is time to re-evaluate all prior priorities, coming into closer contact with the values, people, and experiences I cherish, and looking for the beauty in the stillness, in the amorphous puddle of “not-knowing.”

    If you’re also dealing with loss and undergoing transition, can you release your attachments? Can you let go of what “things” and “titles” you identify with, those things you think define you, that really won’t matter in the end?

    Can you melt into ultimate love, into the powerful grace of knowing that you are both nothing and everything at once, a single drop in the powerful ocean of life, still shining as bright as the pinprick of a star?

    Can you let go, let go, let go, knowing that soon, when you are ready, it will be time to rise and soar?

    Man in stars image via Shutterstock

  • A Warning and a Gift for Anyone Who Isn’t Pursuing Their Dreams

    A Warning and a Gift for Anyone Who Isn’t Pursuing Their Dreams

    “Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    I grew up on a small cattle farm in the very small farming town of Savannah, Missouri with my grandfather and great grandparents.

    My great grandmother used to sit outside on the back porch and string green beans or peel apples when the weather was mild, a worn dish towel over her knee and an ancient paring knife moving with practiced ease. As a very small child I would often sit with her, watching, and sometimes we would talk.

    One evening we shared a conversation that would come to influence me for the rest of my life, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

    I asked if she had ever had something that she always wanted to do, a dream? She smiled, set down her work, leaned back, and looked off across the farm for a moment, lost in thought.

    She said that she had always wanted to see the ocean, visit Hawaii, and see the Eiffel Tower. She had only seen these things in pictures and on TV, and they were beautiful to her. But relatives and friends scolded her for having such ideas and encouraged her to put away these things that would never happen.

    So she did.

    Instead, she got married, raised two children, tended the farm alongside her husband, and prepared every meal without complaint. She packed my lunches, took me to school every single day, sewed my dresses and Halloween costumes from scratch, and made me cinnamon pies.

    She paid all the bills on time, did the grocery shopping, helped her community in any way she could, and was a very good wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother.

    At her funeral the church overflowed; every seat was taken by lives she had touched, and more stood in the vestibule and were forced out onto the sidewalk. She gave so much in her life while asking for nothing in return. She was an amazing woman, but I knew she never forgot her dream.  

    That one afternoon spent sitting with my great grandmother, watching her as she spoke with such warmth and sadness, stuck with me.

    As I became older I turned the story over and over in my head like a coin because I instinctively knew its lesson had two sides, but I was only seeing one. After many years of inspection, I found the duality that her story contained: a warning and a gift.

    The Warning: Make the choice to not let others dictate your dreams or goals.

    Your dreams are yours, no matter how simple or small or large or complicated they may be, and you have a right to chase them at any point in your life, for any reason.

    Do not give in to fear or uncertainty, do not doubt yourself, do not ask “Why? Why is this so important to me?” Your dreams are yours and yours alone. No one can take them from you, and you should never give up on them.

    The Gift: Make the choice to find happiness in your current path.

    Sometimes, for some reason, we choose to walk away from what our heart wants. Maybe we make the choice out of necessity, maybe we do not really have a choice in the matter, maybe we did not realize what we wanted till it was too late, maybe we did not want to seem “weird” to our friends.

    But life will always find a way to give you happiness, so be brave and keep yourself open to receive the joy that life is trying to give you.

    My great grandmother never gave herself permission to go do what she had always wanted to do, even when she had the time and money to do so. But she decided to never resent her choices; rather, she chose to find new meaning and fulfillment in her situation. This gave her the ability to grow past her hurt and loss to become a truly fulfilled person.

    Have the strength to attain dreams you think are out of your reach, while allowing yourself to find peace when you don’t follow your heart. Learn to succeed when others predict you will fail, and to laugh when you stumble or get lost.

    Your dreams and your life are your own. Never forget that.

  • Stop Feeling Powerless and Start Powerfully Creating Your Life

    Stop Feeling Powerless and Start Powerfully Creating Your Life

    On Top of the World

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Some might say I was a late bloomer. I only discovered how powerful I really was at twenty-nine.

    My childhood and teenage years were horrific; I was severely bullied from when I first walked through the school gates to when I left for the last time. In my early formative years I was laughed at, verbally abused, and completely socially isolated.

    I was the equivalent of a lepper. No one wanted to be my friend for fear they would “catch” what I had and be bullied themselves. My parents moved me from school to school with the hope that I would be given a fresh start, free from torment.

    The bullying continued. Eventually, I stopped telling my parents, as I could see it was visibly upsetting them. I felt utterly powerless to stop the torture for my entire school life.

    At twenty-nine I discovered that those childhood scars were actually open wounds. Two years prior I had been engaged to my long-term boyfriend, who was mentally abusive and controlling, but because that was all I knew, I was completely unaware that the relationship—and him—were toxic. Soon after we married his behavior became much worse.

    I felt as if there was no escape; after all, marriage was supposed to be forever. I rapidly fell into a deep depression. At my worst point I confided in my parents and they paid for me to go to arguably one of the best facilities in the world.

    Suddenly, there I was attending assertiveness and self-esteem classes. I was learning about what my personal rights were and how to protect them. I stopped focusing on what was happening to me and instead focused on what was within my power—what I could personally do about it.

    And before I knew it, I changed from being powerless to powerful. Reflecting back, this shift was by no means accidental, there were three universal steps I took that can transport absolutely anyone from a powerless state into a powerful one.

    Step 1: Emotional detox: speak up!

    My ex had imposed his opinions on me for years prior to my breakdown. Through his abusive behavior he taught me that my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings just didn’t count. Eventually, this caused my self-esteem to plummet, which led to my depression.

    One of the most valuable things I learned while receiving treatment was that my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings were significant and mattered just as much as anyone else’s! They taught me to speak up in a way that was both respectful and considerate but also communicated my inherent worth.

    Have you ever decided to put off a difficult conversation or chosen not to speak up when someone hurt you? If so, speaking up more often will act as an emotional detox and will serve to boost your self-esteem and confidence.

    Most importantly of all, speaking up communicates to others you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect, the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

    The next time you are faced with a difficult situation:

    • Acknowledge what the person has said
    • State the facts using neutral language
    • State the impact it has had on you
    • State what you want in future

    If words fail you at first, simply plan what you want to say before your next meeting. Once you begin speaking up more often, you will transform from feeling powerless to powerful.

    Step 2: Get crystal clear.

    One of the first things I did in recovery was to do a life audit. I broke my life down into eight areas and rated each area, one being unfulfilling and ten being amazing, with no room for improvement.

    1. Work
    2. Finances
    3. Time and Productivity
    4. Body and Health
    5. Hobbies and Interests
    6. Relaxation
    7. Family and Friends
    8. Romance

    I started to think about what my life would look like if all the areas scored a ten. What sort of job would I have? Would I take more time to relax?

    Before conducting my life audit I had forgotten I could change the status quo. I had failed to realize how powerful I really was! For the first time in ages I was actually excited for what my future held.

    By getting crystal clear on what you want you will move to being in the driving seat of your life, a very powerful position indeed.

    Step 3: Plan ahead.

    Once I was crystal clear I began thinking about a plan to get me from where I was to where I wanted to be.

    One of my main aims was to write a novel. I knew this was a hefty goal and would require detailed planning, so I began brainstorming how I could become a better creative writer. I bought the best creative writing textbooks and dedicated one hour a day to working through them.

    Meanwhile, I signed up for a beginner’s creative writing course and researched more advanced courses for the future. Finally, I decided to take private grammar lessons after which I would begin writing my first draft.

    As my example proves when planning ahead it is critical to make your plans SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timescaled).

    The more specific your plans are, the more realistic your expectations will be in terms of what is required to achieve success. I also measured my progress every six months and updated my goal accordingly to keep it as SMART as possible.

    When planning ahead, it’s vital to design a plan that is achievable, as this will impact your motivation. For example, I found engaging in creative writing for one hour a day totally achievable.

    Unsurprisingly, creating realistic plans is key. This doesn’t mean thinking small but rather being honest about the level of hard work, commitment, and time involved and whether that is an investment you are willing to make.

    When working out a timescale, look at others who have reached your goal and how long it took them. Your timescale should require you to stay productive and focused in order to reach your interim deadlines. At a core foundational level, this step had the most impact upon how powerful I felt by far.

    What are the dreams you desire most that you could start working toward today?

    —

    My life looks a lot different these days. The scars from my bullying have finally healed, I’m happily divorced, I have two diplomas behind me, I’ve gotten my driving license, and I’m working through my forty before forty bucket list.

    In life we all face challenges (that’s something that will never change), but what has changed for me is that I now face new challenges with confidence.

    Since I started speaking up, getting crystal clear, and planning ahead, I know I will approach challenges with dignity by focusing on what’s within my control. I still have my off days, but when they arise I remind myself that no one is perfect and tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to speak up and work toward my goals.

    The many years I spent asking “Why me?” taught me that we hugely underestimate how powerful we really are.

    In practice shifting from “Why me?” to an empowered position takes consistent effort.

    It’s like climbing a tall mountain; there are challenges along the way, but when you reach the peak the rewards are immediate and most of the hard work is behind you.

    Having said that, the descent still requires skill. It’s important to choose your steps carefully. By approaching life’s challenges consciously, you can avoid most of the rough terrain and ensure a smoother journey.

    Man on top of mountain image via Shutterstock

  • Why Life Is A Lot More Fun When We Stop Trying to Be Perfect

    Why Life Is A Lot More Fun When We Stop Trying to Be Perfect

    Friends Having Fun

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    “Oh, my god,” she said, “I forgot to shave my left leg!”

    That may not sound like a particularly dramatic announcement, but Jenny and I were sharing a seat on the chartered bus taking our senior class to the beach for “Senior Cut Day” a few weeks before graduation, and her discovery horrified me.

    An unshaved leg, it seemed to me at the time, was scandalous in the extreme.

    Had it been me who forgot to shave, I would have kept my sweats on all day rather than display my embarrassing imperfection.

    Jenny, on the other hand, not only shared her faux pas with me, she then announced it loudly to the entire bus. She laughed about it, and invited everyone else to laugh, too!

    I was appalled.

    I was also fascinated. That someone could intentionally draw attention to her imperfection, and laugh about it, was mortifying, yes, but also intriguing…

    It was hot at the beach that day. My well-shaved legs were bare, but I had forgotten to pack a T-shirt, and because I was self-conscious that my belly wasn’t perfectly flat as a pancake, I kept my sweatshirt on over my bikini.

    Rivulets of sweat rolled down my torso, but heaven forbid I put my imperfection on display!

    Jenny, meanwhile, spent the day laughing, playing volleyball, splashing in the waves, quite unconcerned about her hairy left leg.

    Can you guess who had the better time?

    You might think that this experience would have taught me something, but in fact, before I finally began to let go of perfectionism and ease into becoming myself in all my flawed, imperfect glory, I spent decades flagellating myself for not being perfect.

    Somehow I believed that I couldn’t be lovable if I weren’t perfect, so I was caught in a vicious cycle: aiming for perfection, failing, then beating myself up for the failure and goading myself on toward perfection again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Throughout my teens and twenties, in pursuit of the perfect body, I was plagued with eating disorders, kept carefully secret so as not to reveal my flaws to the world.

    In college, nothing less than an A was acceptable. The pure joy of learning took a back seat to striving for the perfect grade point average.

    Meanwhile, in relationships I hid my true self behind a mask, fearing that nobody would love me if they saw the real, flawed me.

    Amazingly, I did find a man I could be myself with, but when we decided to get married, I was the quintessential “Bridezilla,” completely focused on planning the perfect wedding.

    My obsessive pursuit of perfection helped me stay in denial about the fact that, although we loved each other, the relationship was built on a shaky foundation.

    During my marriage I discovered a love for making art, but the joy I experienced when creating was soon overtaken by misery, because nothing I made ever felt good enough. Eventually it seemed easier not to create at all. I became paralyzed by perfectionism.

    I could say that it was the very public “failure” of my divorce that started me on the road to accepting myself. Or that it was the college classes in Feminist theory, which helped me overcome my eating disorder and start to accept my body the way it was.

    In fact, I see self-acceptance as a long and winding journey, composed of thousands upon thousands of teeny, tiny baby steps, over the course of an entire lifetime.

    Baby steps like the revelation—thanks to Jenny on that high school bus ride—that it’s possible to laugh at yourself, and even draw attention to your flaws, and that this may be a more comfortable way to deal with them than trying to hide them all the time.

    Baby steps like the gradual dawning that instead of beating myself up, I could forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps, and that responding with self-compassion was a much more pleasant way to live.

    Baby steps like the epiphany that making ugly messes at my art table is infinitely more fun and satisfying than making nothing at all (and that often what I deem “ugly” at first, appears less so after some time has passed!)

    Gradually I untangled the false belief that only if I were perfect would I be worthy of love and happy.

    Letting go of the attempt to be perfect took a long time. At first it felt like a dishonorable surrender, like giving up and “letting myself go.” But when I thought about the people I loved most in my life, I realized that of course not one of them was perfect.

    I realized that the people I love being around the most are those who accept themselves as they are, who are comfortable in their own skin. Why should I expect anything different from myself?

    Little by little I began to deprogram myself. In fact, I intentionally embraced imperfectionism, and discovered, much to my surprise, that the more I allowed myself to just be me, the happier, more serene, and more content I became. And the more attracted other people were to me, too!

    There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, but the truth is, none of us is—or can even hope to be—perfect. We may pursue mastery, excellence, improvement, and be challenged by the pursuit, but insisting on perfection can only lead to self-disgust and unhappiness.

    The only thing we can ever really hope to be perfect at is being our flawed and wonderful selves.

    If you’ve been stuck in a perfectionist spin cycle, what’s one thing you might do to press the pause button?

    Giving up on being perfect is hard. The work of becoming yourself is hard. The payoff, though, is truly amazing, and you’ll continue to reap the benefits for the rest of your life.

    Friends having fun image via Shutterstock

  • The Path to Freedom: Stop Controlling and Defining Yourself

    The Path to Freedom: Stop Controlling and Defining Yourself

    The Path to Freedom

    “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” ~Albert Einstein

    I had drawn a line so deep in the sand about who I was.

    I was certain I was on my way to becoming a better version of me.

    And then.

    Water rushed in, softening that line, revealing that I was part of something much bigger than I saw myself to be.

    Something much bigger than I could control myself into.

    So many children grow up with circumstances far out of their control. Awful circumstances, such as divorce, alcoholism, drugs, and abuse. My home was full of tremendous amounts of love, laughter, and care; yet, I too had my own share of less than ideal circumstances that I longed to make better.

    I never could.

    By the time I was a teenager, I had a fair share of obsessive tendencies, mostly revolving around keeping things perfectly neat and organized.

    Things got profoundly worse when a high school friend began to love me in a way I couldn’t return.

    This situation amped up my need to control greatly.

    I took the organizing, cleaning madness to a neurotic level. This, of no surprise, was also one of the ways how women in my family before me demonstrated how to gain control where we had none.

    Fast forwarding just a short bit, I was in love, married, and making the decision to have our first child.

    Love, adulthood, and motherhood gave me the ability and strength to began to dissolve some of these lingering controls.

    Nonetheless, motherhood also gave me new reasons to gain control.

    I now had a little being to care for, and my lioness self was driven to do it beautifully; perfectly.

    New control took hold.

    I started eating all the right foods, simplifying our life to the basics, and bubble wrapping ourselves in a safety net of health. 

    I began doing all the “right” things and looking down on anything not all natural.

    Fast forward again.

    I miscarried with my third pregnancy.

    This came as a ridiculous surprise, as I believed I was doing it all “right,” and took much pride in my first two conceptions, pregnancies, and births.

    After I went on to have a third child, I began to look around and realize how many labels I had given myself: stay-at-home attachment mother, homebirthing, homeschooling, breastfeeding, vegetarian, yogi, all natural, simple living.

    I began to look around my beautiful, crunchy, progressive town we were now calling home and taking a look at how many labels others had given themselves.

    How we were defining ourselves by what we did, not who we really were.

    These labels help(ed) to the extent that they give us an identity that informs our choices and invites our surroundings.

    Yet, I couldn’t help but notice that they also gave us limits and set us firmly in the center of a vortex, where we were in and others were out.

    With these realizations, I began to unravel and dissolve this need to control myself to perfection. I began to realize that I was being held hostage. By myself.

    I began to peel away the hardened layers that I had built and began to allow the light that lived beneath to come out, intuiting my way back to the sacredness and simpleness of who I am.

    I traded eating perfectly for eating good enough. I traded practicing yoga for enlightenment for practicing yoga for movement and connection with my body. (Lately I don’t practice yoga at all.)

    I quit the relentless worry that nearly everything had a horrible consequence, including chlorinated pools, birthday parties without organic homemade cakes, sugar, reusable diapers, and cell phones.

    I quit judging myself for falling short, and started understanding that joy, memories, and a damn good time fills you with something that the “right/healthy” choice can kill in you.

    Because, you see, when you decide to no longer be a person defined by all the conscious and mindful choices you make, you gain something remarkable.

    You gain access back to your intuition that can only get lost when you are always trying to lead the way.

    You gain access to the ability to stand with the shadow parts of yourself instead of running away from them.

    You gain access back to presence and the ability to be in the moment, in the joy of experiencing the moments in front of you, without worrying if you are somehow failing yourself.

    You gain an understanding that these things that you are labeled by are choices, not definitions.

    And you gain access to the freedom to live this life fully, undefined.

    Traveler walking image via Shutterstock

  • Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life?

    Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life?

    Happy Guy

    “It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

    I was slipping deeper into a dark spiral after my fortieth birthday, looking for anything to grab onto and pull myself out of the darkness. Some said I was having a midlife crisis, but I believe it was actually the beginning of an awakening for me. For the sake of argument, I’ll call it a midlife awakening.

    This by no means meant that I understood the meaning of life and was all of a sudden enlightened and happy—quite the contrary. I was seeing for the first time the “me” that everyone else saw and had no idea who that person was or wanted to be.

    Try as I might, I could not remember much about my thirties. I know worked a lot and was raising my daughters as well as coaching; I was staying busy but definitely not living. I became numb to my surroundings: feeling no pain, no happiness, nothing but a big empty hole inside.

    Still, the real wakeup call came after returning to school as a forty year old. Working on an assignment for a speech class I watched a video tape of an overweight, sad, negative person.

    This led me toward the beginning of my journey and the first challenge was to rid myself of negativity. It was a journey to be positive and learn how to “live” my life as each moment presents itself to me.

    Setting out on a quest to find a spiritual balance that was not tied to labels and judgment, the biggest test was still being around people that knew the old me as I continued my transformation. It’s easy to get dragged back into old habits and feelings, so I separated myself from as many “triggers” as I could.

    In 2007 after my youngest daughter turned twenty-one, I made the decision to separate and later divorce, since the relationship was a major source of negativity.

    I was nineteen when this relationship started, so I never had a chance to know myself and, as selfish as it sounds, I needed to know me. One of the first things I learned was that I did not know how to be alone. As a matter of fact, this was my first time in my life with my own apartment.

    There was a lot of reading and soul searching going on and still going on, but little by little I got better at being me.

    In the fall of 2009 I met my soul mate, and although I previously said I would never marry again, in June of 2010 I asked and she accepted. We once wondered why we couldn’t have met sooner in our lives, but I know the answer is that we were not the people we are today, so it would not have been the same.

    I have never pretended to possess all the answers but I do freely give some advice when the opportunity arises, especially when people bring a child into the world. That is not take one moment for granted and enjoy their child or grandchild every chance they have.

    We spend so much time being busy and not enough time just being.

    I rarely look at the news, television, or read a newspaper because many times when I do I feel bad, and common sense tells me if something feels bad, don’t do it.

    Outside of work I try to surround myself with positive, good hearted people and do activities that help keep me centered.

    Exercise and running have become my best centering activities. Trail running particularly meets all of this criteria because it seems to draw these people, and if you run a rocky, root bound, hilly trail you had better be in the moment.

    There are moments that I know are gone forever and I can’t go back and try again to live them. I will strive to live every minute I am afforded and try to share what I have learned with anyone who is willing to listen.

    My intent is to pass on my love for the beauty and serenity of nature and the satisfaction of learning from everyone we meet along the way.

    I would love to tell you that I live in complete peace and harmony all the time now and I have my life in perfect order. But that wouldn’t be true. Still, living is a more positive and open-minded process now and I feel like I am a better person—one who does not have to be faultless.

    Also by having a more positive group of friends, I have help on the days when the ego wants the negative side to make an appearance.

    As our responsibilities grow it is increasingly easy to retreat into busy mode, overloading our senses, and lose touch with those around us.

    Staying busy as a defense mechanism leaves you stagnant; not growing, not solving anything, and not living your life. It is the equivalent of looking the other way and thinking that if you don’t see something it is not real.

    I try to remind myself to cherish every moment I am given with my family, friends, and people I care about. I fight the urge to excuse myself from experiences, from this moment, because if I tell someone “I’m just too busy” I will never get that time back.

    I read somewhere that if you stick your hand in a river you can never touch the same water twice, because by the time you stick your hand back in the water has moved on. It is like that with time and being busy simply for the sake of being busy; once that moment is gone you can never get it back.

    Happy guy image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Powerful Ways to Get Moving When You Feel Stuck in Life

    3 Powerful Ways to Get Moving When You Feel Stuck in Life

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    I realized I’m going to die soon.

    Not, you know, imminently. But soon. Even sixty is soon. Seventy, eighty, ninety, still soon. And I’ll be lucky if I get that old.

    I’m going to die.

    What’s gotten into me? Maybe it’s the Robin Williams story. That would make sense. A loss that’s shocking really resets your perspective.

    Life is fleeting, it’s brief. Even if it’s what we’d consider a long life, it’s short.

    This was a thought of mine in the shower today.

    I think it jolted me into feeling a little less uptight. A little less scared.

    The real scary thing is the big, black unknown. That vast mystery of whatever comes next. Whatever happens after life is snuffed out.

    And it will be snuffed out. In the grand scheme (even medium scheme) of history, pretty relatively quickly.

    That’s morbid, you may think. But I felt a little better today when I had this thought.

    After a good long stretch of isolating myself and digging further into a rut, I felt better about things I’ve been going through. Like cyclical insecure thoughts I’d been having. Apprehension, anger, regret, confusion. Fear. Anxiety.

    I feel good today. Because in the face of life ending too soon, and not knowing what comes next, I realize that I know what can come now. I can put together what I want. I can face things boldly.

    Compared to the uncertainty of whatever is in the afterlife, whatever my blind date thinks of me tomorrow is pretty manageable by comparison. While I’m here, I better embrace life a little.

    I imagine that future me will look back on present me very much the way present me looks back on younger me.

    I shake my head sometimes at younger me for her insecurities and hesitation and fear. I want to tell her it’s all going to go by so fast—enjoy it now.

    Enjoy it now.

    Right now is the time when future me may look back and wonder what on earth I was so worried about. I’m only thirty-one. Thirty-one! Forty-one year-old me would love to be thirty-one!

    And eighty-one-year-old me would really wish she was thirty-one.

    My god. I’m so lucky to be thirty-one.

    What am I doing wasting it on insecurity? Why do I freeze and gravitate toward inaction sometimes?

    Every moment that I’m unsure, worried, fretting, concerned about how I’m doing, or wondering if I’ve made the right choices, done the best I can, of if I should worry about what someone thinks, is a waste of precious time. It’s like fourteen-year-old me thinking she was fat. She wasn’t.

    Are you hesitant about a fork in the road? Feeling anxious about your options (or lack thereof)? Feel old? Regret something? I can’t tell you what will fix it, but I can share three things that have always given me motivation to really move forward and live.

    Walk through a graveyard.

    It seems creepy. It isn’t. A cemetery has a fantastic way of reminding you to live your life. Fear of whatever choices you have ahead, or any paralysis of action you may be experiencing, will melt in the presence of beautifully landscaped permanent resting places.

    Take a walk around your nearest or prettiest cemetery this weekend and try to quiet your mind. For me, this exercise always results in a great dose of perspective on life. Namely, that it ends. So any choice of action, regardless of how it turns out, is a gift.

    Imagine young you.

    Remember the school dance you were too scared to go to? Or the crossroads between starting your career or traveling after graduation? How about the girl you never asked out, or the boy you never told off for hurting you?

    Young you was trepidatious about a few things—occasions you wouldn’t hesitate to rise to now. So, too, would older you appreciate you finding the courage to drop the worries that are holding you both back today.

    Imagine the worst that can happen.

    Got a scary thing you want to do? Think of the worst that could happen and weigh it against how much you’d regret not trying. Or, if you’re not sure what to do at all, weigh the consequences of trying something versus doing nothing.

    Do something. Embrace the fact that you’re living. Failure, success—both are part of a full life. Living with complacency isn’t living at all.

    My favorite question to ask people is what they’d be most upset about if the Grim Reaper showed up and said they’ve got five minutes.

    Why wait?

    Get to it.

  • Healing from Heartbreak: How to Lessen the Pain

    Healing from Heartbreak: How to Lessen the Pain

    Couple Back to Back

    “To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over. No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it…it’s over.” ~Mandy Hale

    Heartbreak. It’s a hard thing to go through. And the pain—it’s real, isn’t it? Like tangible pain. Almost as if that person, throughout the time we were with them, emblazoned our hearts with tiny little hooks and, one by one, they’re being wrenched out. Sounds dramatic, but that’s how it felt to me!

    This recent breakup has been the most significant in my life so far. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. The harsh reality of that no longer being the case can be a lot to deal with.

    But you know time is a healer, right? As a tip, don’t ever say that to anyone who is going through heartbreak! While it’s true, it’s hugely unhelpful.

    Taking myself back to that place, I wanted to know how much time? Were we talking days, weeks, months, years? Relying on time isn’t good enough and it’s different for everyone. I wanted to feel better, even just a tiny bit better, right then.

    I thought I would share a few of the things I did in these first and very raw stages of heartbreak to lessen the pain a little. I really hope they might help you if you’re going through this right now.

    Wallow.

    Allow yourself some time to cry and hibernate at home if this is what you are drawn to do. For the first day or two, don’t worry about what you think you should do or what people tell you to do. You have to do what you need to do.

    Reach out to someone.

    You may have spent a few days on your own, so you need to step out of your own thoughts and spend time with someone who is close to you and who you trust. My own thoughts were my own worst enemy in that time of heartbreak.

    You might want to talk about the situation, which is good, but try not to vent so much that you conjure up more anger (and don’t spend time with someone who will encourage this either).

    I made this error at first, which resulted in more wasted mascara and feeling like I’d taken three steps back. So then I just let go and spent time with my mum and a couple of female friends who really looked after me, who I felt completely at ease with and didn’t have to put on a front for. It can be a real comfort to be around a nurturing person.

    Delete your ex from your social media accounts.

    The first thing I did was remove him from my Facebook friend list. Seems silly, but that in itself was a wrench. But I knew that having the temptation to look at what he was doing, who he was with, and then making assumptions about what was going on in his life would only exacerbate the pain and do nothing to heal the heartbreak.

    I also think that if the relationship ended particularly badly and there isn’t any valid reason to maintain contact (and really be honest with yourself on that one), delete their number so you won’t be tempted to text them. You will notice that after each day of no contact you will start to feel a little better.

    Do something new that you don’t associate with your ex.

    Reclaim your life as an individual. Often, what makes heartbreak so sad is that you feel a huge void. So start to create new memories to mark this new chapter, as it’s a great way to speed up the process of moving on.

    It can be anything, but make it something for you. Join a dance class, a course, or a sports group maybe—something that ideally involves other people too, as fresh social interactions and making friends is a great way to begin to get over heartbreak.

    Commit to not looking at old photos, letters, or texts or listening to songs that remind you of your ex for one month.

    I took off any songs on my iTunes that reminded me of him because I knew that hearing them so soon would have me feeling really low. I still actually haven’t put them back on. Eventually, these things may form fond memories but right now, dwelling on them will make the sadness and pain even more intense.

    By setting an initial time frame of one month, you can be comforted by knowing you’re not saying goodbye to them forever (you might decide you want to later down the line but you can think about that then). You’re just choosing to not put yourself though more pain by engaging with them right now.

    Laugh!

    Watch a funny film (a personal favourite of mine is Grown Ups), go and see some comedy, or go out with your close friends with the sole aim of having fun.

    I recommend that you don’t go overboard on alcohol, as that only seems to heighten any emotion I’m feeling at the time, and I don’t always make the best decisions in light of that. But that is personal to everyone.

    The aim is to go out and do whatever you think will make you laugh or at the very least smile, and be around people who make you feel good, lift you up, and show you that things will get better.

    Laughing is brilliant for an immediate shift in feeling, so do anything you can to laugh as much as possible!

    Learn and let go.

    If you’ve spent some time doing all the above, you’ll hopefully feel a little better and have a renewed sense of hope and perspective. You might even be ready to embrace this new chapter.

    This reminds me of that film 500 Days Of Summer, where the main character Tom starts sketching skylines on his wall. He’s broken through that initial pain of heartbreak and is spurred to channel the emotion in the direction of his passion for architecture.

    Think about all the things you want to do and achieve. Consider how you can use this experience as a way to move forward. What new habits would you like to introduce into your life, what kind of experiences do you want to have, what kinds of people would you like to meet?

    It’s still going to be tough, for a while, but that’s okay. Heartbreak is a crippling thing to go through but it’s also an amazing trigger for unleashing raw emotion and creativity that can be channeled in a positive way.

    It’s put me on a path of self-discovery, and although I have felt vulnerable, it’s forced me to look at things about myself that the relationship was perhaps concealing.

    Also, try your very best to let go of any anger, as it only makes you cling on tighter to that painful emotion. Forgiveness really is the key to moving on.

    —

    Heartbreak is awful, there’s no doubt about it. All of these ideas are really just suggestions of things that have helped make my own journey that little bit easier.

    There’s no quick fix, but the more you start to gently push yourself in new directions every day, the more clarity you will start to get on the situation.

    I don’t think there can be any definitive conclusion on how to cope with heartbreak. Just that with every small step you take forwards, each time you look back, it won’t be quite so painful.

    Couple back to back image via Shutterstock

  • How to Use Your Anger to Help Yourself

    How to Use Your Anger to Help Yourself

    “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Jung

    I’ve experienced many degrees of anger throughout my life.

    There’s the fleeting and mild kind of anger that hit me when I realized I forgot to pack my toothbrush, or when a friend was tardy again for our morning hike.

    Then, there’s the corroding and strong kind of anger that I felt when I discovered that my husband had been lying to me for months.

    Half-truths about his after-work activities and the people he met during those activities led to an affair, and the affair led to more half-truths and bigger lies.

    I was angry with my husband for lying, but also with myself for not having noticed the first signs of dishonesty. Later, I was irate for being so naïve to give him multiple chances to change his behavior, only to be deceived again.

    Angry thoughts would materialize seemingly out of nowhere, and every time the Angry Monster attacked, I felt the urgent need to hide it away before anyone would realize that I had become prey to this negative emotion.

    If I am a good person, I thought, I shouldn’t feel anger.

    We grew up hearing that anger is a weakness. Anger is shameful. Anger is like one of those buzzing mosquitoes that must be squashed before it bites us. Anger is a monster. But now I know that’s not all there is to anger.

    I’ve learned that anger can actually be helpful if we know how to manage it. How? Read on.

    Anger can help you know yourself better.

    I understood that the intense anger I experienced when my husband lied to me shows I deeply value honesty and openness. This allowed me to prioritize these qualities in future relationships.

    Keep in mind that when someone does something that makes you angry, you have the opportunity to learn what your personal values are.

    Also, when anger strikes, take a step back and ask yourself why you’re angry. Are you offended by something that was said to you? This might mean that there is a hint of truth in what the other person said.

    Contemplate offensive comments with an objective mind. If you realize there’s some truth in the statement, use it as an opportunity to become a better person. If you conclude that the comment has no real basis, then you can send it to the trash folder of your mind.

    Anger can help you raise your energy level and move out of depression and despair.

    Based on scientific studies of the energy associated with human emotions, anger calibrates at a higher energy level than hopelessness, apathy, or despair.

    My anger propelled me to try new activities and meet new people to show the world I was reclaiming my dignity and my future.

    Next time anger surfaces, let it drive you to take positive action and to change the unpleasant circumstances in your life.

    You can choose to reject the labels society has assigned to anger.

    When you feel ashamed for being angry, as society says you should feel, you let yourself sink to low energy emotions.

    Your shame and guilt, coupled with repressed anger, can negatively affect your body and create conditions such as heart disease, digestive problems, and weakness of the immune system. Worst of all, you’ll be unable to experience authentic joy.

    One day I asked myself why being angry was such a source of shame. That’s when I realized I had been judging my emotions based on the messages I had received from my environment. These messages were not helping me feel good enough to let go of my anger.

    Instead of becoming a victim of society’s expectations, choose to see anger as an emotion that is part of the human experience and a tool that can help you become a better person.

    You have the power to select how to express your anger.

    Angry people are portrayed as bitter or aggressive, but this doesn’t have to be the case for you.

    Kickboxing became my physical outlet to release any residual angry feelings. You could choose to express your anger through journaling, sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, or going for the fastest three-mile run of your life!

    You decide how long to be angry.

    I realized that although I could use anger in positive ways, it was stealing my ability to be happy.

    I knew I deserved to be happy again, so I reminded myself that I had a choice to let go every time my angry thoughts surfaced. Over time, it became easier to return to a state of peace and contentment.

    You can choose to take advantage of the lessons in your anger, and then let the feelings go. Tell your anger that you’re too busy making the best out of your time to allow him in your life for long!

  • How Understanding Can Lead to Forgiveness and Fulfillment

    How Understanding Can Lead to Forgiveness and Fulfillment

    Forgiveness

    “The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” ~John Green

    I remember growing up in a lonely home. My parents were distant, and it seemed they didn’t care much about me. Their lives were all about them, so I didn’t care much about them.

    My sister and I hated Christmas and New Year’s Eve because we never got any gifts or toys during that period.

    We used to be so lonely at home, and we couldn’t play with the neighbors’ kids because our parents didn’t allow it. I grew up having no friends, up until when I was fifteen years old, when I became friends with a classmate.

    Fast forward to two years later when I was seventeen; I was going through teenage years alone, and like every normal teen, I struggled to be happy, but it was more than that. I refused admit that I was depressed until a friend noticed and talked to me about it.

    For the first time I experienced what it meant for someone to truly care about me, and I wished my parents could do the same.

    I became really close to this friend because she was the only one who was there for me. She was a cheerful girl whose parents showered her with love, and extended this love to others, as well. We spent all of our weekends together, usually watching movies at her house.

    We graduated from high school and started college together, and then I lost her in a tragic accident. I was in shock and wished I would die too, because life was meaningless without the only friend who stood by me for all those years.

    I broke down for months. I refused to go back to college, and my parents couldn’t understand why I was so down. It took me a year to recover.

    I forced myself to start life again. I reapplied for college to try to make myself move on, but it was hard.

    I didn’t care about making friends or joining other social activities because I was introverted and l always feared that people would judge me.

    In my search for happiness I enrolled in a yoga teacher training program. It was during that period that I learned things I never knew about life and happiness.

    I realized that all I needed to be happy was within me; I was whole and needed to seek happiness by healing myself instead of looking for it outside myself. Instead of feeling bad about my life, I started tobe grateful for it.

    And one great powerful lesson I learned was the importance of forgiveness. It took me back to the resentments I had towards my parents, and I realized that I had to forgive them in order to live a more fulfilling life.

    The courage came one evening when I boldly picked up the phone and called. We spoke for a long time, and in that discussion I discovered that they deeply regretted all the years they were absent in my life.

    In that moment I felt whole again; I felt my parents’ love come back to me, and I finally understood why they didn’t seem to care when I was younger.

    You see, after they had been married for several years, my mum discovered that my dad had had an affair with an old flame. This caused her so much pain that she shut down from her social life, and consequently, didn’t allow her kids to have one.

    Understanding them and their pain helped me to let go of the past and forgive them, because I realized they never intended to hurt me, even when they didn’t remember my birthday or prevented me from making friends freely.

    After that, I made a promise to myself to spend more time with them, helping them with cleaning, laundry, and other little things, to show them I’ve moved on and I care about them. I can’t go back and receive or show care in my childhood, but I can do something different now.

    I’m only human, so I can’t say the sad memories don’t pop up in my head once in a while. When this happens, I reverse my thoughts to focus on the good part of knowing I have my parents’ love and affection back.

    I’ve learned that we can’t experience the full joy of life if we don’t let go of all resentments, because it is in truly letting go that we make space for peace and fulfillment.

    It can be hard to forgive if the person who hurt you doesn’t express remorse, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it, or that there wasn’t pain behind their actions. If you don’t forgive, you’re choosing to cause yourself pain. When we hold onto bitterness, we slowly die on the inside.

    No matter what, life holds a second chance for everyone. We give it to others by forgiving; and equally important, in forgiving, we give it to ourselves.

    Love everywhere image via Shutterstock

  • Working on Impatience and Appreciating Its Gifts

    Working on Impatience and Appreciating Its Gifts

    Man Running

    “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~Marcel Proust  

    It’s taken me a while, but I have finally learned to appreciate aspects of my own impatience.

    For a long time I did not like this quality about myself. I am still working on becoming more patient, because impatience and I go way back.

    I was impatient to get out of high school, so I fast tracked that whole experience.

    I was impatient to get working, so I started working when I was fourteen.

    I was impatient to finish university, so I rushed through it, while working up to thirty-five hours a week, not stopping to enjoy myself or have fun.

    My daughter was impatient to be born, so she came early, and so did my son.

    I wanted to move up the corporate ladder fast, so I sprinted and pushed and worked all kinds of crazy hours that come with being in the world of technology consulting for a global fortune 500 organization.

    And then I got sick.

    My body got tired of me pushing, and shoving, and not pausing even for a second to pay attention to its cries for help. Illness forced me to stop everything and pare my life down to the basics.

    I got diagnosed with some fancy labels like chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, fibromyalgia, and eventually an even fancier label, PTSD.

    Even getting dressed and making my kids meals felt like climbing Mount Everest.

    I let shame take over for a little while, and I hid from the world, the career I had worked so hard to build, my family, and even my kids; hiding in bed while they were at school and haphazardly pulling myself together before they came home.

    After a few months, my own innate personality started to come through and my impatience reared its head out of the fatigue, depression, and piles of laundry.

    I wanted my life back. I was not going to write off my future in my early thirties, and be resigned to my couch and bed, while my children were waiting for their tired mother to wake up and play.

    I got myself into therapy. I wanted no part of taking drugs. It was a personal choice that to this day, I don’t regret. It’s not for everyone. It felt right for me.

    I worked with therapists, healers, and naturopathic/homeopathic doctors; I tried Chinese medicine, acupuncture, all kinds of massage and bodywork and energy treatments, and spent thousands of dollars on nutritional supplements and testing.

    I worked with shamans and took trips to silent retreats, meditated, wrote, drew and doodled in my journal, danced to 5Rhythms, moved with hula hoops and even travelled to the Amazon looking for answers.

    The thing is, during much this time, I felt a huge amount of shame for my impatience. My healer/teacher/therapist and every other practitioner would smile with understanding for my impatience to get healthy and feel better.

    They would urge me to be patient and encourage me to honor the timing of my own body.

    They were right. I knew this, too. But the rational part of me wasn’t always the one in charge.

    I often felt like time was running out. I had a life to get back to, and it was passing me by every day that I lacked the energy and the mental clarity to fully live it. The body aches and pains and other physical discomforts didn’t make it any easier either.

    Eventually, the wiser part of me got it.

    Our body does have its own wisdom. It does speak, and we need to pause to listen in order to learn the language that each of our own bodies uses to speak to us. And this is not something that would have typically been taught to us while we were in school.

    While it’s wise to work on our impatience, we can simultaneously appreciate its gifts.

    The biggest gift I received by working with my impatience was perseverance. I didn’t give up. I continued to search for answers to my health conditions. I was obsessed with wanting to know the answers to my many questions. Why did I get sick? What was the root cause? Why did my body start to shut down on me?

    Impatience gave me the drive to keep going, even when it felt like I wasn’t making much progress.

    And impatience gave me hope. Each time I felt like I was taking one step forward, to be brought back ten, I would explore new healing options and get excited about the possibility of it working.

    I used to beat myself up for being impatient with myself, for how long it was all taking, and for finding it difficult to sit and meditate. I wished so many times that I could be more Zen-like and graceful in the way I met my health challenges.

    Many times sitting across therapists and healers and other wise people I had hired to be on my healing team, I would feel like that squirmy little kid in class. You know, the one who sat constantly moving in their seat, waving their hands about the air, hardly able to contain themselves because they had so much to say.

    I was that kid in an adult’s body. I wanted my healing team to know everything I was doing. I wanted them to know everything that I knew, had tried, and discovered so that that there would be no wasting time. All they had to do was tell me what I needed to do next, and I would get on it.

    Seven years later, I’m now better. I don’t identify myself through those same labels I was once diagnosed with. I have learned to tune in and listen to my body, and navigate my inner world and some dark alleys that I never knew existed.

    Through this process, I have transformed my wounds into wisdom, discovered my life’s purpose, and continue to use the insights to course correct, and live my life making conscious choices as best I can.

    I am grateful for the role that impatience played in my journey from illness to wellness. I am enjoying my second chance at life with my children, and doing my best to be a present mother. I am teaching my children these same tools of awareness and self-regulation by the way that I meet life, them, and myself.

    Though I could have done without the restlessness, I truly believe that without the persistence that resulted from my impatience, I might still be lying on a couch in my living room, napping.

    So, here’s my invitation to you: If you are like me and have been beating yourself up over your impatience, take some time to review how your impatience has helped you in your life.

    How has your impatience been a friend or a blessing?

    How has it allowed you not to give up when you desperately wanted to?

    How did it help you to not take ambiguity or “no” for an answer, and propel you to find your own truth?

    You might be surprised and grateful at what you discover!

    Man running via Shutterstock

  • Knowing What Matters to You Instead of Living by Default

    Knowing What Matters to You Instead of Living by Default

    Happy Family

    “It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

    If you are like most people reading this, I bet that you are very busy. We are all very busy. In fact, some of us even like to brag about just how busy we are. But are you busy doing the things that really matter to you?

    There was a time when my life when I was busy. I was focused on my career, spending a lot of time at work, and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

    This was okay for a while, but after months and months of working seventy hour weeks, it became a struggle for me to just make it through the day. I began to wish that things would slow down enough for me to be able to enjoy life.

    Maybe you have been there too. Maybe you are experiencing this right now. You wish that your life would slow down so that you can enjoy the things that really matter to you.

    In my case, I forced myself to keep going, and everything was fine for a while. Then one day I woke up with a sore throat.

    I felt a stabbing pain every time that I tried to swallow, and I decided to take the day off and visit the doctor. The doctor told me that I had an abscess in one of my tonsils, and he had me immediately admitted to the hospital.

    Later that day the abscess broke and the infection surrounded my heart. I was so sick that my doctors didn’t think that I would make it through the day.

    Have you ever been told that you might not make it through the day? It is not a good place to be in life, but it does make you think about what really matters.

    When you are lying in a hospital bed, and you don’t know if you are going to live or die, you spend a lot of time thinking about what is really important in life.

    If you are like me, you will discover that it is not your job, or your money, or the things in your life. It is your health, and your relationships with the people who matter the most to you.

    I am sharing my story with you today because I don’t want you to experience what happened to me. I want you to spend your time on the things that matter most to you before it is too late. I want you to decide what is important to you, and create a plan to get there.

    Here are four tips that helped me, and they can also help you to begin to focus on what matter most:

    Determine your priorities.

    Think about what you want most out of life. What were you created for? What is your mission in life? What is your passion? You were put on this earth for a reason, and knowing that reason will help you determine your priorities.

    I spent a total of four months in the hospital healing from my sickness. During that time I spent a lot of time thinking about my purpose in life. I discovered that my purpose is to help you change your lives by learning to focus on what matters most to you.

    Create a plan.

    Create a plan to get from where you are today to where you want to be. Maybe you need a new job. Maybe you need to go back to school. Maybe you need to deal with some relationship issues. Whatever it is, create a plan that will get you to where you want to be.

    While I was in the hospital, I began to draft my life plan. My plan guides all of my actions, helps me focus on my relationships with my wife and daughter, and helps me keep working toward my life purpose. A life plan will help you focus your life too.

    Focus on now.

    Stop multitasking and focus on one thing at a time. It may be a project at work. It may be a conversation with your best friend. It may just be the book that you have wanted to read for months. The key is to focus on one thing at a time.

    I plan each day the night before by picking the three most important tasks from my to-do list. In the morning I focus on each one of these task individually until they are completed. Once I complete these three tasks I move on to checking email, returning phone calls, etc.

    Just say no.

    We all have too much to do and too little time. The only way that you are going to find the time for the things that really matter is to say no to the things that don’t.

    I use my purpose and life plan to make decisions about the projects and tasks that I say yes to. If a project or task is not aligned with my purpose, a good fit with my life plan, and something that I have time to accomplish, I say no to the project. Saying no to good opportunities gives you time to focus on the best opportunities.

    —

    Research tells us that 97% of people are living their life by default and not by design. They don’t know where their life is headed, and don’t have a plan for what they want to accomplish in life.

    These steps will help you too decide what matters most to you. They will help you to begin living your life by design and not by default. Most importantly, they will help you to create a life focused on what really matters to you.

    Let me end by asking, “What really matters most to you?”

    Happy family image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Ways to Find Fulfillment Wherever You Are in Life

    3 Ways to Find Fulfillment Wherever You Are in Life

    Feel Alive

    “Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.” ~Unknown

    For almost all my life, I have lived in my head.

    In my head, there was a utopia. And that utopia was named “someday.”

    “Someday” I would have my degree, have the perfect relationship, become successful in business, own a beautiful home near the beach, be more athletic, and of course, be completely fulfilled with every aspect of my life.

    For me, “Someday” was both a place of refuge and a place of torment. Because although in my mind, it gave me something to hope for, it also made every moment of every day feel… empty.

    Nothing I did or experienced in the moment was ever enough. I lived life as a means to an end that never seemed to come.

    Each day I would wake up and jump from one thing to the next. When brushing my teeth I would think about breakfast, at breakfast I’d think about my commute, and so forth until I reached the brief moments just before I fell asleep, so I could promise myself “ Don’t worry, it’s all worth it—you’re getting closer!”

    I felt like I had to rush against some invisible clock to pack my life with the fulfilment I thought I needed.

    Milestones were passed and yet, I never stopped to appreciate any of it. I rushed head first into a serious relationship that wasn’t right for me, moved across the country to find myself, and launched a business.

    After years of working hard, I finally woke up one day to realize that I was “there.” I was engaged, living in a five-bedroom house, working as a high level marketing consultant, and had everything I thought I had wanted “someday.”

    And yet… I was still completely unsatisfied.

    While outsiders saw an amazing life, I was stuck comparing “someday” to my current life, and lamenting on how it didn’t stack up.

    Then, something amazing happened.

    I lost it all.

    And I mean lost. It. ALL: My relationship exploded, I had to leave my home, I was let go from my high paid consulting gig, no longer had a car, and to top it off, I lost the two closest members of my family. All while being stranded thousands of miles away from any loved ones.

    In the space of two weeks.

    At the time I didn’t think it was such an amazing experience. It felt like I was standing at the top of a mountain while it crumbled under my feet, and I saw the fall I was about to take.

    The amazing part came over the next couple of years, while I nestled in a humble little cottage working to rebuild my life.

    At first, I felt sorry for myself. I started to sink into a deep “why me” pity party, and everyone was invited.

    Then I realized, I was standing over the edge of a deep, bottomless hole. I could fight life and keep sinking deeper and deeper. Or I could decide to find a reason to step away from that edge and keep going.

    I decided to look away from the edge. And it changed my life.

    Here’s what I discovered:

    Love the present moment.

    Fully accept it and fully love it. It took me a long time to understand that you can want to change or move towards a goal, and still love where you’re at now. Life is about living and embracing each moment, not looking to some future that will never come.

    Find the blessings in the current situation.

    No matter how dark your situation seems, there is a jewel hidden somewhere inside it. You can make up your mind to see only the bad stuff, or you go find the beautiful stuff and be grateful for it.

    Understand that there is no magic moment that will save you—and rejoice!

    We’re all looking for that thing that will give us deep fulfilment. But it’s not outside of you. It’s not hiding in a job, in cars, in a house, in a relationship, or anything else. Those are all nice things to have. But that deep fulfilment will not come from any of those sources.

    You’re already a full and complete person. And part of connecting with that deep fulfilment is simply in finding the joys in the current moment.

    —

    These three simple steps broke the hold that “someday” had on me. I realized that “someday” was every day. Every moment of our lives.

    I started to enjoy every day. And to my surprise the fulfilment I thought that I had to work for was right there all along—even though I had nothing that I thought I wanted!

    The funniest thing is that once I let go of that search for fulfilment, everything that used to live in the world of “someday” manifested into my life with ease. I have since found my soul mate, live next to the beach, run my own heart-based business, and although I’m no athlete, I’m definitely much healthier.

    However, I always remember that regardless of whether these things stay with me or go, I will always have fulfilment in my life.

    Sotake on any challenge or go after any goal with a clear conscience knowing that you don’t need it to become completely fulfilled right now.

    You are already complete.

    Man on top of the world image via Shutterstock