Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Why Uncertainty Isn’t So Bad and How to Embrace It

    Why Uncertainty Isn’t So Bad and How to Embrace It

    Uncertainty

    “Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.” ~Mandy Hale

    Sitting in the auditorium during orientation, I listened to various deans, distinguished alumni, and student leaders drone on about the rigors of earning a law degree.

    There were obligatory mentions of not everyone making it to graduation (or even the end of the first week) and of the intense strain on personal relationships.

    But the message I remembered most clearly was about uncertainty.

    “You better get comfortable with gray areas. And fast. Because the legal field is not a place where black and white distinctions often exist. If you’re a person who thrives on certainty and absolutes, you will be an extremely frustrated attorney.”

    Being a comparative religion and psychology double major, I dealt with ambiguity and the unknown a fair amount. But I wouldn’t say I was comfortable with them.

    I mean, is anyone really comfortable with uncertainty?

    And with that superficial examination of my tolerance for uncertainty, I trudged onward to lawyerhood.

    Unfortunately, I was decidedly uncomfortable with uncertainty.

    Although I always wanted to become an attorney, it was a relatively uninformed desire. But it gave me a goal to work toward—a path to freedom and financial independence beyond high school and college.

    Or so I thought.

    I dreaded going to class. I even contemplated dropping out. A lot.

    I worried that I’d lost my academic edge.

    For the first time in my life, I didn’t always have the answers when questioned by professors. I wasn’t engaged by the subject matter either. So I procrastinated, which made everything worse.

    Looking back, it’s clear I was in denial.

    I couldn’t even entertain the idea that law school wasn’t for me, let alone accept that I may be better suited to a different career. You know, admit that I had made a hugely expensive mistake, cut my losses and start over from scratch.

    So I did what any self-respecting high-achiever would do: I threw myself into my studies and made damn sure I landed a job after graduation.

    In other words, I did whatever I could to avoid the appearance of failure.

    Which meant I was a complete and utter control freak. And by control freak, I mean high-strung hypercritical crabby pants.

    (I’m sure I was an absolute delight to behold.)

    It seems crazy to me now that it took three agonizing years of law school, seven miserable years as an attorney, a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, and a two-year battle with infertility to get me to realize that uncertainty is the only true certainty in life.

    Did I really need all that time and heartache to accept this universal truth?

    Apparently, I did. The religion scholar in me shakes her head.

    And even though I was finally able to acknowledge the omnipresence of uncertainty, I wasn’t immediately able to embrace it.

    It took a lot of yoga, meditation, acupuncture, psychiatry, and life coaching for me to see that I hadn’t ever escaped the discomfort of uncertainty. Despite my best efforts.

    I busted my butt in law school and landed a job offer before graduation, which was rescinded when the organization lost funding for my position.

    I planned out future pregnancies assuming I was a fertile myrtle like all the other women in my family, who didn’t have the rare birth defects I had.

    I slogged through my legal career thinking after “paying my dues” and earning six figures I’d finally enjoy my profession, only to feel more and more hopeless every day.

    And those are just some ways uncertainty bested me over the last decade.

    But thanks to the luxury of hindsight, I grew to embrace the inevitability of uncertainty, and the fruitlessness of trying to elude it.

    Yes, I had the rug pulled out from under me when my first job offer fell through. But I found a higher paying job within weeks of graduation, where I met my mentor and some of my dearest friends.

    Yes, I endured the agony of infertility for two years. But after corrective surgeries (that also improved my overall health), I became pregnant with a baby girl who has brought exponentially more sleep-deprivation joy into my life than all the despair caused by those years of infertility.

    And, yes, my childhood “dream” of becoming an attorney turned out to be a nightmare. But like a bad dream, I finally woke up and realized it wasn’t my future.

    Although my current career didn’t exist when I was a kid, I have a feeling that even if it did I wouldn’t have found it by following a structured path.

    Because uncertainty is not only inevitable, it’s necessary.

    If we really were able to control every outcome in our lives, we’d most likely never experience failure. Or be forced outside our comfort zone. Or discover something previously unknown to us (or the world!) by way of happy accidents.

    We’d never truly grow.

    So now when I feel the urge to control all the things, I do what sounds incredibly simple to most, but has always been difficult for me.

    I breathe.

    I realize “breathing” isn’t what most people want to hear. But learning to slow down and focus on my breath has been life changing.

    Plus, it’s science.

    I catch myself holding my breath all the time. When I feel the need to check in with my breath, odds are it’s because my body is tense from oxygen deficit.

    Our brains need oxygen to think clearly. And without sufficient oxygen, the brain goes into fight-or-flight mode. All too often my battlefield is the supermarket or a blog post—situations in which breath is preferable to adrenaline.

    And while I am an advocate for mindful breathing in times of uncertainty, I’m not saying it’s a cure-all for everyone in every situation. But you know what is?

    Again, it’s science. Studies show that regularly expressing gratitude increases feelings of happiness and well-being.

    I admit I was skeptical when I first learned about gratitude practice as a way to boost happiness. Especially since it advocates keeping a gratitude journal.

    I am such a resistant journaler. Which is strange because I’ve gained some incredible insights into my psyche through journaling. (Okay, maybe it’s not so much strange, as it is the very reason I resist journaling. Note to self: Work through fear of journaling…through journaling.)

    Luckily, keeping a gratitude journal is nothing like the feelings poured onto page upon page that I imagined. At least, it doesn’t have to be.

    My only rule is that I need to write down at least five things for which I’m grateful each day. Some days it takes me ten seconds, others it’s more like ten minutes.

    But that’s the point.

    Those days when feeling thankful isn’t easy are the days you need gratitude the most.

    Someday you’ll probably be grateful for the struggle you’re in right now. But until then, maintaining a gratitude practice will ease the discomfort uncertainty brings.

    Even if it does involve a journal.

    I sometimes wonder how my life would be different today if someone at my law school orientation had outlined some practical ways of coping with uncertainty—like basic mindfulness—instead of characterizing an aversion to uncertainty as a personality flaw.

    Maybe I would have embraced the certainty of uncertainty sooner, possibly avoiding countless hours of heartache and anxiety. Perhaps I would’ve had the guts to drop out of law school and avoid a mountain of debt.

    Or maybe everything would have unfolded in exactly the same way.

    And you know what?

    I’m okay with that.

    Man walking image via Shutterstock

  • Finding a Window of Opportunity When Life Closes a Door

    Finding a Window of Opportunity When Life Closes a Door

    Man Looking Out Window

    “Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out.” ~John Wooden

    “Why don’t you just take up swimming?” the doctor asked.

    I was twenty years old, single-minded in my pursuit of a dance career, visiting yet another doctor about the vicious tendinitis that had forced me to give up my spot at the prestigious Juilliard School in New York City.

    What the doctor didn’t understand is that dance isn’t just a sporting activity; it’s a way of life, an identity.

    Telling a young dancer to “just take up swimming” is about as helpful as telling a woman receiving treatment for infertility to “just take up knitting.”

    Needless to say, I didn’t follow the doctor’s advice. Instead, I spent a good five years on the quest for the miracle cure, hopping from doctor to doctor, from treatment to treatment.

    Life went on, I graduated from college, I got a job, but in many ways I was stuck. I couldn’t really invest myself in anything else, because surely I might be able to start dancing again at any moment, and I refused to do anything that might jeopardize that possibility.

    As a result, I lived my life in a sort of painful limbo.

    I was unable to dance, but I was unable to move on either. Dance was like a bad lover who never truly cared for me, but kept me on a string, waiting in the wings, sighing my life away.

    Thankfully, I eventually did move on. It took about five years, but I finally accepted that a career as a dancer was not in the cards, and though I had to grieve this loss, once the fog of grief cleared, I found to my surprise that my chances for happiness had not died along with my dream of being a dancer.

    Perhaps it was my youthful naiveté that led me to believe that dance was my one and only passion. Perhaps I was influenced by the false, but sadly very prevalent, notion that we each have only one soul mate for all of time.

    Whatever the reason, I truly believed that I’d burned through my one shot at passion, and that I was destined to live the rest of my life in black and white.

    (This may sound overly dramatic, but remember, I was barely out of adolescence at the time, and young people do tend to be dramatic.)

    Just a few years after I decided to move on from dance, not long after getting married, I discovered a love of calligraphy and making things with my hands. Lo and behold, it turned out I wasn’t limited to one passion after all! I became just as passionate about art as I’d ever been about dance, and even started a business selling my art.

    Then my marriage fell apart. During the painful year of my divorce, now that my tendinitis had finally cleared up, I started going out salsa dancing for fun, and I discovered that lost things sometimes come back.

    Yes, I’d lost my dream of a dance career, but it felt like dance was being given back to me, in a new form.

    Now I had not one, but two passions: art and salsa dancing!

    The Universe has a wicked sense of humor, though, and a year into my salsa mania, a new foot injury flared up. I could barely walk, let alone go out salsa dancing. Once again, the thing I loved to do was barred from me.

    This time around, though, things were different. This time, I didn’t hang around in limbo.

    I still got to have my art, for one thing, but I didn’t settle for that alone. Some friends had taken me to see Teatro Zinzanni in San Francisco for my thirty-fourth birthday (imagine Cirque du Soleil plus a five-course meal) and I had been transfixed by the aerial artists.

    “I want to do that!” I thought. And instead of putting the idea on a shelf (as I had with so many other ideas in my life), I thought, “Heck, why not? If I can’t dance on the ground, I will dance in the air!”

    They say that when the Universe closes a door, it opens a window, and I leaped through that window! I found a circus school about an hour away, enrolled in an aerial arts class, and for the next year I did dance in the air.

    What a difference from the first time I lost dance!

    The first time, I refused to accept how things worked out. I admire my persistence, but I must say it didn’t lead to happiness.

    I don’t have any regrets about how things turned out, but I sometimes wonder how things might have been different if, instead of just doggedly aiming down a path that no longer existed, I had also kept my eyes open for an alternate path.

    What if, for example, I had discovered aerial arts at twenty instead of thirty-four? What if I had opened my mind to the possibility of a completely different passion?

    Of course, that’s exactly what happened eventually anyway.

    Eventually the crappy things that happened in my life fertilized some rich harvests; I just spent a lot of miserable years first.

    It’s not always easy to move on. It’s not always easy to see the windows that the Universe opens after closing a door. Processing a loss happens in its own time, and it cannot be rushed.

    What I’ve learned, though, is that I’ve been happier when I’ve made the best of how things work out. When I’ve made the best of what was in front of me, things have always rather miraculously worked out.

    With an open mind (and a liberal dose of patience and self-compassion), the worst things in my life have alchemized into unexpected gold.

    It can be hard to keep an open mind when things go terribly wrong, but the happiest people do just that. Challenging as it is, I know it has done me immeasurable good to let go of my attachment of how I think things “should” be.

    This, if you think about it, is the ultimate dance: dancing with the Universe. Whatever tempo or style of music it throws at you, our job is to make the best of it, say yes, and take a spin around the floor.

    Is there a place in your own life where things have worked out differently from how you wanted? How might you turn the crappy things in your own life into a rich harvest?

    Man at window image via Shutterstock

  • How to Quit or Move On Without Feeling Guilty

    How to Quit or Move On Without Feeling Guilty

    “Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong–sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    When I accepted a position with a small company, I thought I had found everything I wanted: challenging work in my field, flexible hours, a laid-back atmosphere, and a short commute.

    My new job seemed to be perfect, but soon I realized it wasn’t.

    While I loved the kind of work I did, the “casual” atmosphere ended up being too casual. Hearing racy jokes and mocking comments became part of my workday. The jokes seemed to become more offensive as days went by.

    Then the gossip and criticism started.

    When I expressed how uncomfortable I felt, others called me “too sensitive.” I promised myself to develop a thicker skin and stick with the job.

    As time went by, my body started to show the effects of the negativity in my office. I had trouble sleeping and felt nauseous every morning on my way to work. I watched the clock several times a day, wishing for the day to speed up so I could finally go home.

    That’s when I decided to quit.

    You might be toying with the idea of leaving a job, a project, or a relationship. You might have already left. When you quit something that is not serving you, you take a healthy step toward joy and fulfillment

    But that’s not the end of the story. Quitting can produce a fair amount of guilt. Why? Because our society teaches us to “never give up.” If we’re “quitters,” we are supposed to feel bad about ourselves.

    How to do what is right for you without experiencing guilt or shame?

    Ask yourself if you’ve exhausted all resources.

    Did you express your feelings about the negative situation? Did you take a good look at the role you played in what happened?

    After months of tolerating a toxic work environment and trying to change the situation, nothing changed. I realized the only action I could control was my own, and I left. I felt at peace because I knew I had done everything I could to make the job work.

    Take some time alone to contemplate your situation and what you have done to improve it. You’ll know whether you’ve run out of resources.

    Determine why you are quitting.

    It’s easy to give up because of fear of the unknown, because someone said you should quit, or because what you want to pursue is “too difficult.”

    If you leave your marriage because it’s “too difficult” to work things out with your spouse, or you stop writing because your mother said you’ll be another starving author, you might not only be making a decision you’ll regret, but you’ll be more likely to be plagued by guilt.

    Two of my top values are health and respect. It was clear to me that my work environment had violated both, so I felt free to quit.

    Push aside fear, negative self-talk, and outside influences. Are you in an environment, project, or relationship that violates your values? If so, you know you can leave without guilt.

    Avoid explaining yourself.

    I tried to explain to those around me why I was leaving my seemingly perfect job, and I quickly learned I had made a mistake. Telling your friends and relatives why you quit opens the door to argument and criticism.

    There will always be someone who will tell you that you’re crazy for quitting, or that he or she knows someone who did what you did and ended up bankrupt or socially ostracized.

    You know why you quit. That’s enough.

    Don’t overanalyze the negative experience.

    It’s easy to fall into the trap of overanalyzing, playing possible scenarios in your head, and wondering if you really did everything you could to avoid quitting.

    I spent nights lying awake, wondering whether I should have been more vocal about my discontent, or whether I really was “too sensitive.” The result? More time feeling negative emotions. I still came to the conclusion that quitting was for the best.

    Overanalyzing will take up valuable time you could be using to plan the next step in your career or personal life.

    Focus on what’s next.

    Place your attention on what you want to create. A fulfilling and well-paid career? A relationship based on love and respect? An exciting new venture? Paint a detailed mental picture of what you want to achieve, and take action to make it happen.

    My experience taught me what I didn’t want in a job environment and motivated me to explore other career options, including the small business I eventually founded.

    When you’re working toward something you clearly know is right for you, there’s no room for guilt.

  • When You Lack Focus and Direction: Stop Looking for Your “Thing”

    When You Lack Focus and Direction: Stop Looking for Your “Thing”

    “More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier

    Isn’t it funny—and annoying and brilliant—how often things turn out to be nothing like we thought they would?

    Six years ago I was recovering from a breakdown and reacquainting myself with my long dormant artistic side, and I remember spending a lot of time wondering what my “thing” was.

    You know, that one specific thing in this life that I was destined to do to be fulfilled, and ideally from which I would earn a comfortable living.

    I had always loved creativity, and particularly art, and had always wanted that to be my thing; I would be an artist, sell my work, and live comfortably on the proceeds.

    There were a couple of problems with my plan, however. One was my upbringing, which told me that art was unrealistic as a way to make a living. As a result, I had done all sorts of things that were nothing to do with my original dream, many of which I hated (hence that final breakdown).

    That mindset is not at all unusual in Western culture and is something many of us have to move beyond, but there was something else too.

    I could not seem to pin down my love of art and creativity to one single focus. I experimented endlessly, on my own and in classes, with everything from acrylics to oils, from printing to sculpture.

    And still I kept thinking, how will I ever know which is my thing? What’s the one thing I’ll be really good at and so endlessly enthused by that I won’t continue this constant dabbling?

    How will I ever be a credible artist if I paint in a different style every time I put brush to canvas? How will I ever fulfill my dream of making a living doing what I love when I seem so scattered and unfocused?

    Since no clear answer was forthcoming at that point, I just kept going.

    Sometimes I envied those who seemed to be born already knowing what their thing was, like my friend who always knew she’d be a vet. I thought they must have or know something I didn’t. That perhaps there was something wrong with me for being so fickle and apparently unable to settle on just one thing.

    But as it turns out, that seemingly flighty, unfocused, shallow dabbling was an essential part of the story, and not at all the waste of time I feared.

    I learned two key things about what I’ve come to see as the “myth of the thing.”

    1. There is what you are passionate and curious about and would do for free (and often do), an

    2. There are all the ways in which that comes through you.

    You are like a prism, full of your own unique mix of colors that join together to radiate a single beam—you.

    In my experience, it’s unhelpful and limiting to assume that you’ll whittle it down to a single thing or work it out with your mind. After all, your mind has no real knowledge of your heart.

    Your “thing that is not a thing” is already there inside you, but without taking action over and over from a place of curiosity and passion, you won’t give your personal and utterly unique filter a chance to make itself known.

    I’ll always be insatiably curious and I think that’s a fantastic trait to have, not a handicap. Today, I love to paint, draw, write, bake, tend my plants, make things, research, gather and share information, read books and blogs, spend time at the beach, explore spirituality, travel, and learn whatever I can about whatever catches my magpie eye.

    You might think I’m still dabbling. But all those things feed and become my thing that is not a thing.

    So what is my “thing”? It’s being what I can’t help being. It’s being curious and creative; it’s exploring, playing, demonstrating and sharing what I learn through the filter of art and creativity; it’s helping, supporting, and encouraging people to find their own unique ways to express themselves creatively.

    It’s doing what I’d do anyway and letting it evolve into something that feeds both me and others, and yes, it’s even starting to bring in an income. I am an artist, only in many more ways than the single one I envisaged.

    My magpie eye isn’t hindering me from finding my thing; it’s part of how my thing manifests. That realization has changed everything, and my life is infinitely richer for it.

    Without it, I would not have tried or learned so many things. I would not now have both a wealth of techniques and experiences and ideas to share, nor the understanding and empathy that comes with having trodden the messy meandering path myself. Both of those important factors unexpectedly became part of my work now.

    While there are many things we all know to do to help us find out who we really are and what we’re here to do, like journaling or meditation, I have found the following also helpful in my quest.

    It takes time, so give it time.

    I know that’s hard, especially if you feel stuck in an unfulfilling job or other restricting life situation. Patience and perseverance will stand you in good stead, so do what it takes to cultivate them. (I suggest a spiritual or energy practice.)

    Widen your view.

    Your “thing” won’t only show up in the obvious places. My creativity doesn’t just appear in the studio; it’s in how I put a meal together, how I arrange my desk, how I use my day, right down to the tiny moments.

    Listen to intuitive nudges.

    Have you developed an unexpected interest in historical fiction? Head to the library. Do you have a sudden urge to grow something? Visit the garden center.

    Not only might you find what you think you’re looking for, you also increase the chances of discovering something new that contributes to your clarity or brings a new opportunity. 

    Think of a task you do regularly that you find mundane.

    Ask yourself, what could I change about how I approach this to make it fun or interesting? How can I apply my unique way of seeing the world here? It could be a mindset change, an intention or affirmation, or it could be the actual physical way you perform the task.

    I have a system for folding my laundry that allows my mind to roam freely for a few minutes; that inner roaming brings in new ideas and insights. Thus laundry becomes not something that wastes my precious time but something that enhances it and brings me more into who I am.

    —

    Stop looking for that elusive “thing.” Start living your life in all the ways that are exciting and interesting to you, right down to the tiny daily details. Explore, create, discover, absorb.

    With some thought and imagination you can do this within your current job, with your children, when you’re doing daily tasks. It doesn’t have to be grand and time-consuming.

    And then you will find that your thing is simply who you can’t help being. The more of your unique inner rainbow you reveal, the more it will become clear who you are and what you are here to do. Just be prepared for it to look a little different—and a lot more beautiful—than you thought.

  • Rethinking Mistakes and Recognizing the Good in “Bad” Choices

    Rethinking Mistakes and Recognizing the Good in “Bad” Choices

    Thinking Woman

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    For most of my life, I’ve seen the world in black and white, and I’ve felt constricted and pained as a result.

    When I was a young girl, I believed there were good people and bad people, and I believed I was bad.

    When I was an adolescent, I believed there was good food and bad food, and because everything tasty fell into the latter category, I channeled the shame from feeling bad into bulimia.

    And when I grew into adulthood, I believed there were good decisions and bad decisions, which may sound like a healthy belief system, but this created extreme anxiety about the potential to make the “wrong” choice.

    When you see life as a giant chess game, with the possibility of winning or losing, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, analyzing, strategizing, and putting all your energy into coming out victorious.

    Back then, I thought for sure that if I made a misstep, I’d end up unhappy and unfulfilled, not to mention unworthy and unlovable—because there was a right path and a wrong path, and it was disgraceful to not know the difference.

    One pointed toward success and bliss (which I desperately wanted to follow), and one led to certain doom.

    With this in mind, I thought long and hard before moving to Spokane, Washington, at twenty-two. To live with a stranger I’d met on the Internet. And had only known for two months and met in person once.

    Okay, so I didn’t really think long and hard. But I felt in my gut, when we first connected, that this was the right choice for me.

    In fact, I felt certain, something I rarely felt about anything (except my innate bad-ness).

    He told me we were soul mates, which was exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after spending six months bouncing from hospital to hospital, trying find the worth and substance locked somewhere within my cage of bones.

    It made sense to me that, if I had a soul mate, he wouldn’t live right next door.

    Disney may tell us it’s a small world, but it’s not; and I thought for sure there was something big awaiting me 3,000 miles from my hometown near Boston.

    People told me I was making a mistake when I shared the details of my plan.

    Some said I was too fragile to move out of my parents’ house, even if I’d planned to move close to home.

    Some said I was a fool to think this man was my soul mate, or that I had one at all.

    Some said I’d one day regret this choice and that they’d have to say “I told you so.”

    But I felt absolutely confident in my decision—until he came to Massachusetts, two weeks before I was scheduled to move, to meet me for the first time.

    I knew right then it was wrong, somewhere in my gut. I didn’t feel even the slightest spark, but my “soul mate” and I had already planned a new life together. Before we’d even met.

    And I didn’t want to admit I’d made the wrong choice—not to him, who I was sure would be devastated, and not to the others, who I feared would be smug and self-righteous.

    So I moved across the country anyway, thinking that maybe I’d feel differently after getting to know him better.

    If you’ve ever seen a movie, you know exactly how things didn’t pan out. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, I didn’t eventually realize he was my soul mate and fall madly in love.

    Instead, our individual demons battled with each other, we fought for the better part of six months, and we eventually broke each other’s spirits, broke down, and then broke up.

    You could say, after reading this, that I had made the wrong choice—especially knowing that I knew, the day I met him, that he wasn’t the man for me.

    You could say I’d chosen a bad path, running away from home in a misguided attempt to outrun who I had been.

    These are things I assumed I’d think if I ever decided it was time to leave.

    And yet I didn’t think these things at all. In fact, this was the very first time I broadened my vision to see not just shades of grey, but a whole rainbow of vibrant colors.

    Yes, I’d made an impulsive choice, largely driven by fear and fantasy. Yes, I’d acted against my instincts. And yet I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it had not been the “wrong” choice.

    Because right then, I realized that, despite things not working out as I planned, I’d learned and grown through the experience, and it had served a purpose, even if not the one I originally envisioned.

    Our demons colliding was a blessing, not a curse, because it forced us both to more closely examine how our issues affected our relationships—mine being toxic shame and destructive tendencies, and his being his business, and not for public consumption.

    Moving so far away was valuable, not shameful, because it taught me the difference between running away from what I didn’t want and running toward what I did—a lesson I struggled to apply for many more years, but, nonetheless, now understood.

    And acting against my instinct was a good thing, not a bad thing, because it taught me to listen to my intuition in the future, even if I might disappoint someone else—a lesson I may never have fully embraced without having had this experience.

    That’s the thing about “wrong” choices; they usually teach us things we need to know to make the right choices for ourselves going forward, things we can only learn in this way.

    Notice that I wrote “the right choices for ourselves”—not the “right choices.” Because the thing is, there are no right choices.

    There isn’t one single way that we should live our lives, or else we’ll be unhappy. There isn’t one path that will lead us to success, bliss, and fulfillment.

    There isn’t a straight ladder we’re meant to climb, hitting milestone after milestone until we emerge at the top, victorious, with the view to show for it.

    There’s just a long, winding road of possibilities, each with lessons contained within it—lessons that can help us heal the broken parts of ourselves and find beautiful pieces we never knew existed. Pieces we couldn’t know existed until we made choices and saw how we felt.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned since that very first move, over a decade ago, it’s that life never offers any guarantees. And it can also be incredibly ironic.

    Sometimes the people who seem to make all the right choices are the least happy with the people they’re being and the lives they’re leading.

    We could spend our whole lives looking for external validation that we’re following a path that’s “good”—living in a narrow, black-and-white world, feeling terrified of making mistakes.

    Or, we could commit to finding something good in every step along the way, knowing that the only real mistake is the choice not to grow.

    I don’t know if this is right for everyone. But I know this is right for me.

    On this Technicolor journey of unknown destination, I am not good nor bad, not right nor wrong, but most importantly, not restricted. In this world of infinite possibility, at all turns, I am free.

    Thinking woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Helpful Things to Do When You Think Life Sucks

    5 Helpful Things to Do When You Think Life Sucks

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    You know that foreboding fear we all have—that something will go terribly wrong and life will never be the same again?

    Mine is that something will happen to our daughter. She is our only child. We battled infertility for years before conceiving her. I keep telling myself that it’s just an irrational fear and that every parent probably has it to some extent, but it’s a constant companion that stealthily follows me around everywhere I go.

    So, on a Saturday evening, when we returned from an evening out to pick her up from the playcare and were greeted by the sight of blood on her face and the sound of inconsolable weeping, my heart just stopped.

    She had fallen off a playscape headfirst. It had happened minutes before we arrived. All the caretakers could tell us was that a tooth was knocked off. We rushed her to the emergency room.

    After what seemed like hours, they gave the all-clear—no head trauma or fractures—and sent us home with a prescription of painkillers and instructions to rest.

    She spent the next twenty-four hours in pain and throwing up. She couldn’t even hold water down.

    I tortured myself with fears that it must be a devastating head injury that the emergency room staff had failed to catch. She felt better the next day, so I brushed my fears away.

    The next week was a whirlwind of visits to the dentist to extract fragmented and loose teeth. During one of the visits, the dentist noticed that her jaw was misaligned. We rushed to an oral surgeon.

    The emergency room staff had failed to catch it—her jaw had broken. And now it was too late. The bone had already started to set in a crooked manner.

    She’d need major surgery to reverse it. She was too young to do the surgery yet, but by the time she turns eighteen the misaligned jaw will likely bother her so much that surgery will be unavoidable.

    A couple of weeks later, as the dust started to settle, I took her to the park to let some steam off. As luck would have it, she had another fall, and this time she broke her arm.

    We hadn’t had any major trauma in her entire life. And now we had two sets of broken bones in as many weeks.

    Waiting for the orthopedic to put the cast on, I couldn’t help but think, “Right now, our life sucks.”

    And this wasn’t the first time I’d thought that.

    A few years back, I’d felt much worse when my husband was in the emergency room, I waited outside with her, and the doctors had no answers for us.

    And before that at work when a colleague was bent on making my life a living hell.

    And when my best friend was lost to depression and wouldn’t take my calls.

    And when I broke up with my first boyfriend.

    And a million other times.

    Every single one of us has these moments. It’s just the way life is. It’s what we do in those moments that matters.

    For the better part of my life, I’ve felt flustered and incapable of handling these moments. Over time, I feel like I’ve figured out a few things that I can start doing to bounce back.

    I’m sharing these with the hopes that some of you will find them as useful as I do.

    1. Replace “Why me?” with “What next?”

    It’s natural; when things go wrong, one of our first thoughts is likely to be “Why me?”

    Here’s the thing though: “Why me?” is a weakening phrase. It only serves to increase our feeling of victimhood and makes us feel incapable of dealing with the situation.

    By intentionally catching ourselves thinking “Why me?” and replacing it with “What next?” we not only gain back a feeling of control, but also figure out what we can actually do.

    Anytime my daughter had a mini accident after that, she would panic. I’d put on my calmest voice, even when I felt like screaming “Why us? Can we please catch a break?” and say, “Aww, poor baby. Are you hurt? Accidents happen. Do you think a boo-boo pad might help?” And yes, a boo-boo pad always helped.

    Ever so slowly, we were back to being resilient in the face of mini accidents again.

    2. Force yourself to practice gratitude.

    It is hard to feel grateful when you are dealt a blow, no matter how big or small it is.

    I was devastated by my daughter’s jaw fracture verdict. I had to practically force myself to practice gratitude.

    Every time I talked to someone, I’d say, “Well, we’re lucky it wasn’t a head injury.” After repeating it a few times, I actually started to believe it and started to feel the gratitude. And that eventually helped deal with the news of the misaligned jaw.

    No matter what you are dealing with, there is always, always something to be grateful for. Force yourself to say it out loud a few times. Your heart and your mind will soon catch up.

    3. Quit blaming.

    When you’re hurt, it is equally natural to look for someone to blame.

    In my case, I was tempted to blame myself, the caregivers at the playcare, the doctors at the emergency room, and so on.

    But blame only serves to prolong the hurt. It makes it harder to let things go. It makes us angry and corrodes us from the inside. It brings negativity into our life.

    So just stop.

    If something is meant to be, it will happen. That’s it. Deal with it and move on.

    4. Don’t give in to fear and despair.

    This is a tough one. It’s so much easier to just give in and surrender to the fear and grief. But we need to stand tall, even when we feel two feet too short.

    It was very hard for me to mask my worries from my daughter and project confidence. But I’m so glad I did.

    Back then, for a while, I’d actually started to wonder if something was wrong. The foreboding fear that was my constant companion kept telling me that something bad was going on.

    But slowly, she gained from my projected confidence and grew more confident herself. And got back to her monkey business. And didn’t having any more accidents.

    And my worries started to fizzle.

    When it comes to fear and despair, you have to fake it till you make it. And, sooner or later, you will make it.

    5. Never give up.

    We didn’t like the jaw surgery verdict. We sought out another opinion even though it seemed pointless.

    The new oral surgeon was old school. She suggested physical therapy. We set alarms on the phone, and my daughter diligently did her exercises (bless her soul, she’s just a wee little kid, but such a sport).

    After a month, the jaw was starting to get aligned again. Things are beginning to look good. Maybe we won’t need that surgery after all. We can only hope for the best.

    No matter where you’re at or what you’re going through, don’t give up. Try just one more thing; maybe it’s just the thing that will resolve it for you.

    It ain’t over, until it’s over.

    —

    As I type this article, I hear my daughter biking around the house.

    And then I hear a loud thud. I catch my breath and wait. And there it comes: “I’m okay,” she calls out.

    Yes. I think we’re indeed okay.

  • Are You Frustrated in Your Search for True, Unconditional Love?

    Are You Frustrated in Your Search for True, Unconditional Love?

    Love

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as true love, like in the good old movies of Casablanca or The Notebook? Maybe you’ve found your true love. Or perhaps you’re still searching.

    When I was a teenager, I was mesmerized by this dream that someday there would be someone who would love me so unconditionally that he would literally die for me. After all, you see that all the time in the movies.

    After the tangible basics of food and water, love is our most essential need for surviving and thriving as living beings. We first experience love through our parents when we’re young. This lays the basic foundation for our growth and journey in life.

    Since I was unable to recall being loved or shown any affection as a child, I held onto this dream that someday, somewhere, someone would truly love me. Subconsciously, this underlying desperate craving and desire for love drove all my relationships.

    I expected romantic relationships to fill a spot deep inside me where there was a colossal empty hole. Whenever I fell in love, my heart would open up totally and engulf the other with an ocean of love. But my love came with a condition, that they should and would love me back unconditionally.

    I’d asked my first true love once, “Why do you love me?”

    He replied,“Because you love me so unbelievably much, I can’t not love you.”

    That was my dream come true, or so I thought. I ended up marrying my true love, had three beautiful children, and committed diligently to a roller coaster ride of a nineteen-year marriage.

    My marriage of true love had intense polarities similar to my emotions and mental states. I would swing from divine happiness when he met my expectations to the crushing and wrenching of my heart when my needs remained unfulfilled.

    To avoid painful conflicts, I trended toward being accommodating and then slowly progressed into being passive and abject—just to make sure I would always have his love.

    We shouldn’t let another person or event define our sense of self and worth, for this places us into the role of the lesser or the victim. When we play that role, then obviously we will attract or sustain relationships that will mutually fulfill that role.

    This passive submission became quite natural for me, as my sense of worth was totally defined by my husband. I thought I knew he loved me, so I would do anything to maintain his approval and love.

    The dynamics of our relationship remained such over the course of our marriage until I started to heal from my childhood past and my true self started to emerge.

    Gradually as my true self of worth, esteem, and courage started to take shape, I started to look for respect and mutual understanding. This challenged my husband’s passive controlling role, and  we started to drift apart.

    Divergence toward opposite poles led to differences in values, interests, and wavelengths until our soul connection died a slow death and we eventually parted ways. I used to cry myself to sleep, alone, on most nights. My true love was not as real or lasting as I thought.

    Later, I met a beautiful African drummer who freed my spirit, as his music would touch and fill that colossal hole that was still there. His exotic, handsome looks and charming manners made me feel like I was the most important and beautiful woman in the world. Again, I poured my heart open and gave all my conditional love.

    In the early part of any relationship, we can be blinded to the true nature of the person if our internal lack and need form our filters of perception. We will only see what we seek to find, and the other will consciously or unconsciously reflect what we crave and need.

    As our relationship progressed, I started to see his true colors.

    My African god wanted me to marry him as a free ticket into my country as much as I wanted unconditional love in return. He played on my neediness for love by using demanding and chauvinistic behaviors to control me.

    I ended that relationship promptly and spent weeks nursing the pain and tears of a broken heart. Why was I not able to find someone to love me as much as I loved them? That was all I wanted in life, to be loved unconditionally.

    If we love from the place of lack, no person or event can ever fill that hole. Moving from one person to another might change the scene and scenario, but eventually the same conflict, issues, and imperfections will surface again.

    A few years later I went on a trekking trip to the Nepal Himalayas and fell in love with a mountaineer and his quiet strength.

    In him, I sensed the spirit of the mountains and the freedom of his soul. He carried within him the peace and calm that filled my colossal hole again. In him, I experienced tenderness and wholeness.

    He carried my photo with him to the summit of highest mountain in the world. No man had ever declared such extent of love for me. I was certain this was true love. But alas, he was a married man. So the only love that I thought was true love was not to be had.

    This was the most devastating pain since my marriage ended. I knew that true love simply did not exist, or if it did, I didn’t deserve it.

    In deep grieving I wept, curled up for days in bed, and slinked back into the hole of despair. Without love, this life was void. It was like breathing without air and living without a heartbeat.

    In the depth of that suffocating pain, my soul was stripped bare, and in that totally exposed and vulnerable state, I surrendered to life. In the total surrender, acceptance held me within the pain and hopelessness. And I slept.

    Over the days that followed, a peace emerged, and then as spontaneous as the sun can shine again after the clouds have moved, something shifted within me.

    I was already present there as unconditional love itself. Unconditional love for the imperfect me, the hurting, lost, unloved child; the desperate woman I had grown to be, who sought for the definition of my worth through everyone else but myself.

    I thought I would find it in another human being who would be the love of my life because I never had it from my parents. I craved unconditional love but I never loved unconditionally because I never knew it in myself.

    When I dropped the search and surrendered, it simply unfolded. I realized my true love had been right here all along, within me. It was me, in my purest form, when all my layers of pain and perceptions had dropped. There was no more hole, for I had found my true and divine love, and this love now overflows not from lack but from abundance.

    So if you’re still searching or wondering what true love is, know that it’s right here within you. It’s your purest essence—unconditional love for yourself and for others.

    Heart in clouds image via Shutterstock

  • The Most Important Thing to Ask Yourself After a Breakup

    The Most Important Thing to Ask Yourself After a Breakup

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    Divorce. Not an activity that I ever had on my to-do list and not something I contemplated when I got engaged in Paris. Who does?

    We’ve all heard the statistics that one in three marriages ends in divorce. Yet this is something that happens to someone else and certainly not a possibility to focus on while skipping down the aisle.

    People change or they don’t, as the case may be. Unless both parties are exceptional communicators, it can be challenging to stay on the same page as time passes. The meltdown of my relationship was such a surreal experience and not something that I could have prepared for.

    The vision of the future, with my husband playing a starring role, was completely shattered. All those plans, expectations, and assumptions were no longer relevant. That delightful man, once my best friend and lover rolled into one, was suddenly behaving like an unpleasant stranger.

    It was the shock of this new situation each morning that brought me back to the reality that the present moment is the only guarantee. That concept was no longer a platitude but something that was agonizing and raw. The feelings of failure and betrayal were overwhelming.

    Months of an avalanche of painful emotions brought me back in touch with deep self-inquiry. Yet another life experience to show me that the relationship with myself was the only guaranteed long-term relationship. Cliché as it sounds, the breakdown of my marriage was a breakthrough I’d been seeking.

    I was forced to examine where we had been applying a Band-Aid solution to cover some deeper problems. This grieving processing of letting go of this man cracked me open and forced me into deep vulnerability. It was time for me to bring the focus back to me and ask myself some big questions.

    Who am I outside of this relationship?

    What’s important to me?

    How do I suddenly stop loving him? (Is that even possible or necessary?)

    When did I become so out of touch with how I feel?

    How can I fulfill my own desires and potential?

    Is there anything in my life I have been putting on hold?

    What is best for me now?

    Some of the answers to these questions were extremely painful to acknowledge. In the eleven years we were together I had been so focused on whether or not he was happy that I had forgotten to focus on making myself happy, to a degree.

    A wise lady said to me, “Don’t worry about whether or not he’s fulfilling his potential. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you? That’s the only potential you can do anything about.”

    However, I will always be grateful to my ex-husband for this soul contract. Divorce was my doorway to enter into a sacred partnership with myself.

    It forced me into the unpleasant realization that I was very out of touch with my own needs.

    I felt unsatisfied in my career, unsure as to whether I wanted to have a child, and unclear about my direction. I was regularly frustrated by how indecisive he seemed and yet he was a wonderful reflection. 

    I was far too focused on him and it was a perfect distraction. His actions forced me to examine my own levels of denial about my part in our relationship.

    There I was, judging him for being dishonest, and yet I had not been honest with myself about being unhappy for a long time. How was that fair to him or me? We all know the answer.

    I share these insights in the hope that you do not wait until a health crisis occurs or a relationship ends before you create a more loving relationship with yourself.

    It is impossible to experience true intimacy with another if we are ignoring the needs of our own heart. How can we truly be with someone if we are avoiding ourselves?

    So often in our intimate relationships, we are focused on what the other will provide in terms of emotional support. It is easy to point the finger, blame them for being disappointing and letting us down. Yet, are we willing to commit to ourselves?

    Life is short and fragile, and we never know whether today is our last day. Bringing ourselves deeply back into our hearts allows us to choose our next steps from a place of self-love.

    Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself this important question: “What do I most need from me right now?”

    It can take time to recover from the end of a long-term relationship and readjust to these life changes. I spent a long time processing painful emotions that arose and sadness I felt while adjusting.

    There was deep self-reflection, even resulting in spending time at a retreat in Brazil. I stripped my life back to the bare essentials, withdrew from much socializing for a long time, and began to reacquaint myself with myself. I began to reinvest in the relationship with my own heart rather than seeking love from someone else’s.

    The more we nourish ourselves, the more able we are to share this love with others from a place of surplus and not deficit. This brings such freedom and joy, both to ourselves and others. Is it time for you to commit to self-love?

  • 3 Keys to Jumpstarting Your Life If You’ve Been Living on Hold

    3 Keys to Jumpstarting Your Life If You’ve Been Living on Hold

    Excited Man

    “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole lives waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    One key lesson I learned on my journey to developing my business knowledge base is that everything is built from the ground up, and each stage has important lessons for the subsequent stages. Sometimes we are only privy to the first stages.

    Other times, we only see the middle and final stages. These are the times when we are wowed at how fast things have happened for others, and we become insecure and worried about the pace of our growth.

    No one comes to Earth fully equipped with all the skills to make and sustain a successful business. For some, it takes years to even figure out what our business is. Plus, in this fast-paced world, we can quickly come to find out that there is no constant.

    We may be in one business today and another tomorrow. In life, as in business, we are challenged to constantly reinvent, identify what does and does not work for us, and find ways to enhance the things that do.

    Making successful life pivots requires an understanding that each phase of life brings its own set of challenges and lessons.

    We create space for joy through flexibility and a willingness to love ourselves in and through each stage.

    Too often we get stuck because where we are now does not look like we had envisioned. We waste precious time wishing things were otherwise, forgetting that we have the power to change our circumstances by merely choosing the way we interpret them.

    Sometimes we stop living, hoping that if we just get through now we can have the life we want. This sometimes painful process holds significant lessons for growth and development.

    This lesson in clarity and the importance of remaining in the now came to me while I was in graduate school.

    I remember rushing through college, just trying to get done so that I could move on to graduate school—all the while rushing to finish my thesis, then finish practicum, then finish my dissertation in the hopes that I could finally start living my life.

    I spent ten years of my life chasing the next starting point.

    I lived, ate, and breathed school, all the while neglecting those experiences that were happening around me.

    Opportunities to learn from others, and to connect and network with colleagues and friends in different fields, passed me by while I wished time would hurry up so that I could get started with my life.

    It wasn’t until I was about to complete graduate school with no real social life, no significant relationships, and no real plan that the realization hit me. I had pegged so much on getting done that I had no idea who I was and what it meant for me to be an individual outside of academia.

    As graduation neared, the pain of losing the structure hit me like a ton of bricks. I had relied so much on an institution to provide my social life and identity that living on my own terms elicited a truckload of existential angst and panic.

    Many nights, I would lie awake wrangling my brain to figure out where to go next and what I could make happen, neglecting the fact that life is a process and the universe takes care of you if you let it.

    What ensued was a frantic soul-searching and confidence-building initiative. Sadly, what had happened as I gave up my self-determination was that I lost confidence in my ability to make decisions.

    I didn’t trust myself to make the best decisions for myself because I had allowed the academic process to lead my life. I had become a bystander in my own life and climbing back was no easy task.

    In order to move away from waiting to live to living wholeheartedly I chose to:

    1. Acknowledge that while I was waiting, life was happening.

    The things I was waiting to happen were happening all around me; I was just not a part of them.

    Life doesn’t stop because we’re busy. Children grow up, family members and friends grow, and the world keeps turning.

    What happens in those moments can never be relived and regrets can never give them back.

    We can start to help this process by opening our eyes and hearts and paying attention to what is happening around us.

    While we might not be fully ready to wake up, realizing that things keep moving while we’re standing still may be the very thing that you need to cross over and start living the life that changes your entire being.

    2. Stop second-guessing whether I was on the right path; no experience is wasted.

    The emotion that we normally experience after realizing that life is passing us by is fear—fear that we have made the wrong decisions, that we have missed our calling, that where we are is not where we are meant to be.

    What results is a frantic searching for purpose. We begin to think that, because we have not been participating in life as we were thought it would look, we must be on the wrong path.

    While it’s true that we may not have experienced some things that may have had the potential to change our lives, careers, and family life choices, what we experience is what we are meant to.

    Every path brings its own purpose and lessons for growth and happiness. The issue is not whether the path is right or wrong, but whether we have been paying attention to the opportunities for growth that the path presented.

    Often, when we feel like life has passed us by, we have been awake at the wheel but paying very little attention to the lessons we were there to learn.

    3. Start living in the moments I had knowing that now was as perfect a time as any.

    As Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book The Power of Now, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

    Remember that you can’t go back and change the past. You can choose how you will live the moments in front of you.

    A decision to live these moments to the fullest will enhance your perception of the past and help you to identify the lessons that you can take with you into the present and future.

    The memories of the past all have a place, to teach you lessons to move you closer to where you can be your best self. Nothing else. Not regret, anger or animosity.

    Now provides the perfect opportunity to create the life you want. Take hope from the realization that now is the perfect time. It is all you have, after all. Do your best with it and live your life.

    Jumping man image via Shutterstock

  • A 10-Step Guide to Uncovering the Wisdom in Anxious Thoughts

    A 10-Step Guide to Uncovering the Wisdom in Anxious Thoughts

    Peaceful Woman

    “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

    Contained within your fears is genuine wisdom waiting to be discovered. Don’t underestimate this.

    In order to tap into this wisdom, you must interview your fears, meeting them with curiosity and compassion. Allow them to speak their wisdom to you. Listen deeply; get into the details in order pin down exactly what they are trying to communicate. Honor whatever it is you find.

    You see, these fears are like little children. They will kick and scream until you meet them with empathy. So do just that. Meet them with your full attention, sincerity, focus, and honest inquiry.

    They will calm back down to their submissive, lovable, true state of being. And what’s more, they will teach you something you do not yet know.

    Your fears carry wise messages that, over time, will lead you to your purpose, and happiness.

    Now, let’s begin.

    Answer the following questions. Go through this exercise, answering each and every question for each and every fear that is triggering anxiety.

    Begin with the thought that is bothering you most, or is the most pervasive in your mind.

    Anxious or Negative Thought #1: ___________________________

    1. Have you been faced with this thought before?

    2. Did you die?

    3. If you did not die, then what was the outcome?

    This question enables you to build upon the facts. It is almost always true that our fears will never manifest into reality. They tend to be made up events in our mind that have never actually happened and most likely never will.

    Recalling the factual outcome of past anxious thoughts helps you realize that what you fear is only a false scenario, existing only in your mind; it is not actually real.

    4. What were you doing before the thought arose in your mind?

    For example, what were you reading, viewing, saying, doing, eating, and with whom were you interacting? What emotions or feelings were created?

    5. How do you want to feel?

    6. What can you do right now, in this very moment to feel the way you want to feel?

    Find positive, factual examples that contradict your fearful thought and support a deeper, meaningful, life-giving perspective in accordance with how you want to feel.

    7. What can you do throughout this day/night to feel the way you want to feel?

    8. How do you feel now?

    9. What is this thought teaching you?

    10. Based on your inquiries above, what do you believe is the deeper message? What have you learned?

    Now take this deeper message to arrive at a positive affirmation. Speak this affirmation to yourself throughout this day or week.

    I used to, and sometimes still do, have trouble sleeping. It would give me the worst anxiety. So here is an example of how I have reasoned through it using the steps above:

    Anxious or Negative Thought #1: Will I sleep tonight? Or, I hope I sleep tonight.

    Here is my self-inquiry…

    1. Have I been faced with this thought before?

    Yes, many times.

    2. Was the outcome death?

    No, I am still here. Thankfully.

    3. Since I didn’t die, what happened the last time I had this thought? What are facts?

    I grew more and more anxious the sooner bedtime drew near. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up being exhausted the next day. These thoughts accelerated my anxiety, and made me feel jittery, off balance, and even more restless. I couldn’t sleep and lay awake all night.

    4. What was I doing before I had this thought and what was the state of my emotional environment?

    I was reading a magazine and came across an article about insomnia. It sparked extreme anxiety in me, as I quickly began to jump to conclusions in my mind that I had insomnia.

    The “what if’s” started to invade my mind asking questions like, “What if I had insomnia? What if I never sleep well again?” The questions created a burning sensation in my chest, I felt tingly and overcome in fear.

    5. How do I want to feel right now?

    I want to feel at peace. I want to feel calm in my heart and mind. I want to be at rest with my thoughts and reward my body and soul with a good night’s sleep so that I can feel ready to accomplish whatever tomorrow brings and share my light with the world.

    6. What can I do in this very moment to feel the way I want to feel?

    At this moment I can and will focus on the fact that I have been here before and have always made it through. I can remind myself that I have gone days with no sleep many times before and I am still among the living. Not just living, I am thriving.

    I have slept amazing on more occasions than not and I love the feeling of waking up feeling fully refreshed.

    7. What can I additionally do throughout this day and night to feel the way I described above?

    Tonight I can and will go to bed really early and see how it goes. I can read my book, remember how much love I have in my life, and express love toward myself in the form of surrender and acceptance of what is. I can reminisce on things I have to look forward to. I can meditate.

    8. How do I feel now?

    I feel less pressure. I feel sort of accepted by myself, cared for, and less stressed. I don’t feel as much anxiety; my breath is getting deeper, longer.

    I feel a wave of peace washing over me. I also feel supported by the tools I can use to help me along the way. With each night, I am gaining faith that this too shall pass.

    9. What is this thought teaching me?

    These sleepless nights teach me the importance of relaxation, positive self-talk, and quiet personal time. When I do sleep well tonight, or some other night, I will write down how/what I was feeling that night as a point of reference in my mind. I think that is the biggest teaching.

    10. What is the deeper message behind all this? What have I learned?

    I think the deeper message is to always keep moving forward. Focus on the positive and those things that bring me peace. Keep on growing and know that “this too shall pass”.

    My affirmation: Just as the sun always rises in the morning, strong and steady, so shall I.

    This exercise is designed to stop your mind from racing. It will break the trance you’re in—hypnotized by the river of your fears.

    As you meditate on each specific, maybe even repetitive and mundane thought, you are able to quiet the inner chatter. Through placing singular focus on one fearful thought at time, fully addressing it and gathering the information you need, you are able to see beyond the fear.

    You will come to find that each fearful thought contains wise tidbits of information—lessons that you can implement into your life. Once implemented, the fear is no more. You have met it with acceptance, understanding, and meaningful action. You have become one with it.

    So often it happens that our negative thoughts operate on autopilot. One simple fear sparks a fire that quickly leads to an inferno, and pretty soon you’re burning.

    One negative event, failure, or tiny little fearful thought can snowball into broad generalizations. You begin questioning your worth, intelligence, health, well-being, and existence based on one obstacle in the road.

    Reprogramming is, in essence, turning the autopilot off and allowing for a change in course. However, this takes time. Be patient with yourself.

    This exercise, along with other tools you consistently implement into your life, will work in small ways to course-correct.

    Through gentle introspection, interviewing your fears, and gathering important information, you are able to move forward with a soul-centered perspective onto the road of purpose, happiness, and life-fulfillment.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Get Life to Finally Start Going Your Way

    How to Get Life to Finally Start Going Your Way

    Excited Man

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Have you ever had a big financial expense knock you down?

    I had one of those situations hit me many years ago. I had just gone through a tough breakup, was experiencing regrets about my career choice, and was also struggling to get on my feet financially.

    I was feeling beat down and decided to try to lift myself up by getting my finances in better shape. I was able to cut some expenses and, over the next few months, was able to tuck away some extra money in a savings account.

    I was starting to feel a little giddy about my newfound ability to save.

    Then, my car broke down.

    No! I can’t afford a major expense right now. Why can’t I catch a break?

    I stood up on shaky legs, and that mean old universe kicked me right back down again, like I belonged there or something.

    I started evaluating my options.

    Could I fix my car myself? No.

    Did I have a friend or family member that could help me fix it? No.

    Could I leave the car broken? Yes, but this was not a great option given the distance I lived from work.

    It looked like my best option was to pay a repair shop to fix it for me. I was sad and disappointed, as I saw my savings account balance plummet back down to almost nothing after paying for the repair.

    I was struggling to get enthusiastic about continuing with my savings plan after the setback. Why bother?

    Then, I happened to see a reference to a quote attributed to Albert Einstein, “The most important decision we make is whether we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”

    The universe sure seemed hostile to me at the time. The quote sparked my curiosity. Can we really make a decision about what type of universe we live in?

    What if the universe wasn’t being mean but was being friendly?

    I decided to test out this new way of thinking.

    Instead of acting like everything was happening to hurt me, I shifted my attitude. What if this situation was happening for my benefit?

    I started digging around in my mind, looking for any thoughts about what could be of benefit to me in the situation.

    I was grateful that my car was working again and that I could travel to my job. I was grateful for the job, which was allowing me to pay for my living expenses. I was grateful that I had developed the ability to save.

    I didn’t have to let this one financial setback define my future.

    All of these new thoughts helped me go from thinking that the situation was unfair to something more empowering.

    I now knew, without a doubt, from experience, that it was a good idea to save for a rainy day. This created a burning desire in me to keep saving for future unexpected expenses.

    I resolved to overcome the situation with my depleted savings and try again.

    I started all over with my savings plan. This time was a little different because I also stopped entertaining tempting thoughts about spending my emergency savings on something unnecessary like a wild shopping spree or an expensive trip.

    Looking back, I notice how my view of the situation changed even though the situation itself didn’t change. No one arrived on the scene to rescue me. I still needed to drain my savings account to pay for the car repair.

    What changed was my attitude about the situation.

    Thinking about the universe being friendly helped me stop beating myself up and start treating myself like a friend with my thoughts.       

    The next time you feel like things are happening against you in your life, try the following:

    1. Make friends with the situation.

    My initial negative thoughts about my car repair situation were only serving to cause me to suffer.

    Shifting my attitude and searching for more positive thoughts changed the meaning of the situation.

    Instead of feeling stuck and hopeless, I started seeing opportunities to improve my situation that were within my control. This allowed me to become more optimistic about the permanence of the current situation and also about my future.

    2. Explore gratitude.

    Is there anything about the experience that you can be grateful for?

    Exploring gratitude made me more aware of the things that were beneficial in my life that I was taking for granted. Appreciating what I had in my life helped me to feel more positive about my circumstances.

    3. Look for the lesson.

    When difficult things happen, look for the lesson you are learning and how you might be growing from the experience.

    It has been many years since my experience with my car and savings account, and I realize now that I may have needed that little kick from the universe to help me grow and learn about the benefits of having funds set aside for emergencies.

    One of the best lessons to learn is that it is possible to choose your attitude and shift your thoughts to a more positive track.

    While it may not always be easy, if you treat the universe like it is your friend, you may just find that the universe mirrors your friendship right back to you.

    Happy man image via Shutterstock

  • Are Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back and Making You Feel Bad?

    Are Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back and Making You Feel Bad?

    Held Back

    “If you believe yourself to be limited in some way, whether or not it is true, it becomes true for you.” ~Brian Tracy

    I have often wondered why the most formative years of one’s life, in early childhood, tend to be the hardest for us to recall.

    Most of us cannot even begin to tap into those memories. Those scant memories that do bubble up to the surface are often fog-tinged and dreamlike. Images or sensations may appear, but the linear, day-to-day recollection evades us.

    Perhaps Mother Nature does have a sense of humor, because, oddly enough, it is usually only those traumatic or intense moments of our lives that seem to come up.

    Can I remember winning the sack race when I was six? No. Do I recall my first day of school? I remember in vivid detail walking up to the school gates clutching onto my mother’s legs, panicking that I would never make any friends.

    I have always thought that these types of memories don’t simply vanish into thin air but rather get stored somewhere in our subconscious.

    The problem is that we don’t know the password to access them. The same can be said for things people said to us when we were young children. Those words and life lessons, whether positive or negative, became imprinted on our psyche.

    If you were one of the lucky children that constantly heard “The world is your oyster” or “You can do anything you set your mind to,” you probably carried these beliefs into adulthood.

    The positive reinforcement received from a young age seems to sustain a secure sense of self, which guides these people through their lives. More often than not, they turn out to be successful, because why wouldn’t they?

    (Of course, there are those that receive positive reinforcement from a young age yet somehow morph into self-entitled monsters, but that’s another article.)

    If others tell you, and you believe, that there is nothing stopping you from achieving your dreams, then chances are you will take more risks in life and your life rewards will increase exponentially.

    But what if the opposite were true? What if you were constantly fed a diet of negativity as a child?

    If others regularly told you that “You will never amount to anything” and that “You are worthless,” what kind of foundation do you think that provided? A shaky one, and from shaky foundations come insecurity and a wavering sense of self.

    Sure, some people who have this kind of upbringing find great success in life, but it is often overcompensation for this self-limiting belief that spurs people on to greater heights and bigger lives.

    The drive comes from a need to prove that what they heard as children was wrong; it’s not a drive emanating from the belief “I deserve this” or, to quote L’Oreal, “because I’m worth it.”

    I strongly believe that whatever our parents (or parental figures) told us during these formative years remains in our bodies on a subconscious level.

    Have you ever had a situation when someone said or did something to you that felt like it struck a nerve? Did someone make a comment to you that unexpectedly brought back a plethora of sensations, fears, or worries that you haven’t felt in years? How does that happen?

    We subconsciously reinforce those messages and viewpoints that our loved ones continually reinforced until they become our very own beliefs.

    And then we unknowingly pass them on to our children, and on and on the cycle spins. But what would life be like if you could learn to separate yourself from a belief pattern that has no foundation of truth but nonetheless has a hold over you?

    My self-limiting belief revolves around money and my attitude toward it. From a young age my parents worked very hard, holding multiple jobs and doing everything in their power to give us what we needed.

    As they built their business together, their lives and incomes improved; however, their attitudes toward money did not.

    Having come from a place of lack, they didn’t want us to find ourselves in that same place. So the constant message was that saving money is important, and they frowned upon spending frivolously. We learned that you buy only what you need.

    While these financial beliefs helped me greatly in certain aspects of my life, I’ve run into some residual issues as a result. In the dominant memories of shopping with my mother, the all important question was not “Do you like it?” but rather “How much is it?”

    My mother did not encourage spending on anything but the basics, and she hardly ever splurged on herself.

    I internalized the message that it is a bad thing to treat yourself to nice things.

    Years later, despite having worked hard to find myself in a financially stable position, the first thing I do when out shopping is to look at the price tag. The voice in my head tells me it’s too expensive. I tell myself, “You don’t need this; what are you thinking?”

    In the event that I decide that I do, in fact, need it and like it very much, I drag myself to the register yet spend a good thirty minutes afterward berating myself.

    I am fully aware that I do this, but can’t seem to stop myself.

    The first step toward change is awareness, and I am consciously aware that I’m a work in progress.

    These days when I find myself in the midst of a heated argument with myself in the fitting room mirror, I give myself a pep talk. “Do you like it? Can you afford it?” If the answer is a resounding “yes,” I go right ahead.

    So, what’s your self-limiting belief? How does this way of thinking hold you back in life? By encouraging an open dialogue, we can begin to free ourselves from the invisible shackles of these negative beliefs.

    The more we hear, read, or speak a word or phrase, the more power it has over us. By staying aware and refuting these beliefs as they come up, their authority starts to wane.

    Being consciously aware that we have the power to choose how we think can be wonderfully liberating. We no longer need to react according to some outdated belief system that we inherited, which doesn’t serve our highest potential.

    What we choose to shine a light on can no longer carry a hold over us. So maybe it’s time to get out the flashlight, get really honest, and work through those beliefs that no longer serve us so we can put them where they belong, in the trash.

    Held back image via Shutterstock

  • How Painful Relationships Can Be The Best Teachers

    How Painful Relationships Can Be The Best Teachers

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    “This is it,” I thought. I finally found the man I had been waiting for.

    Of course, it had taken me thirty-nine years and a painful divorce from my husband of ten years. But that was all worth it, I told myself, because it had led me to the man who seemed to see, understand, and love me the way I had always hoped someone would.

    Things were blissful in beginning. We made breakfasts together, took romantic vacations to exotic locations, we fantasized about buying vacation houses. Our developing story read like a fairy tale.

    But this fairy tale did not have a happy ending. The once-sweet Prince Charming eventually became cold, distant, and abusive—a man in constant pursuit of new “shiny objects” to distract him from the remnants of his troubled past.

    I was that shiny object…until I wasn’t shiny anymore.

    The clock struck midnight, and I was left with a broken heart.

    There was a firestorm of mixed emotions after the breakup: betrayal, rage, sadness, and disappointment. I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me it was all just a bad dream. I wanted Prince Charming to return so I could feel those loving feelings again!

    I spent countless hours mentally rehashing the details of the story, torturing myself, trying to see precisely why things went wrong.

    This fruitless nonsense only made me angrier and sadder. Then, one day, amidst the noise of the fruitless nonsense, I heard a gentler voice inside me whisper, “Be patient. The most painful relationships can be the best teachers.”

    After I heard that voice, I began to let myself consider that, just maybe, this heinous experience was serving a benevolent purpose I had yet to discover. And that’s when the learning began.

    I recognized that I had been so willing to make someone else the focal point of my life because, deep down, outside of a romantic relationship, I had no idea who I was, let alone how to love myself.

    I had spent so much time after the breakup focusing on my ex-boyfriend’s shortcomings because I was not ready to see that, in some ways, I was just like him.

    I spent the majority of my adult life bouncing from one relationship to another because I told myself that “happiness” was just around the corner; all I needed was the right partner.

    The pursuit of Mr. Right kept me at a safe distance from pain I spent a lifetime avoiding: the acrimonious divorce of my parents at age thirteen and subsequent abandonment by a mother, who left an emotionally unavailable father to raise my sister and me.

    It turns out that betrayal, rage, sadness, and disappointment were actually remnants of my own past; feelings I thought romantic love would magically erase.

    The harder we work to escape unwanted parts of ourselves, the greater the likelihood we will choose relationships that help us find these unwanted parts.

    I thought a relationship with Prince Charming meant I would never have to feel the pain of grief, but what I really needed was to learn how to welcome grief. The feelings associated with grief are our body’s way of inviting us to honor and grow from loss.

    When I decided to stop running away from my feelings, it didn’t take long to discover that avoiding psychic pain is like running in front of an avalanche: When we stop running, all of the once-forbidden feelings cascade over us with such a great force, it can feel as if we will be crushed by their weight.

    At first, it felt like I was dying. I cried with such intensity and regularity that I began to refer to these daily crying spells as “taking out the trash.” The only problem was, there was so much trash that I feared this chore would never be finished.

    I attended weekly therapy sessions, furiously wrote in my journal, and confided in trustworthy friends.

    Through this, I slowly (and I mean slowly) started to see that the life I once thought of as empty was actually quite full. I had my health, two healthy children, a successful therapy practice, the ability to play and sing music, and a village of supportive friends.

    I was so busy searching for happiness outside of myself that I couldn’t see that the makings of happiness were already there, waiting for my own recognition.

    Looking back, what initially felt like a death was actually a rebirth. All of my feelings, even the ones I feared were too destructive, deserve to be acknowledged and felt.

    When we welcome our feelings into awareness, we are taking the first brave step toward accepting all of who we are. This acceptance is the beginning of unconditional self-love.

    Working through grief eventually yielded a life of creativity and abundance that my once fearful heart never knew was possible!

    Bonds with old friends became stronger, I started writing more, and I began to discover activities and interests, both new and old, that brought me joy. Eighteen months after the breakup, I noticed I wasn’t just surviving each day any more; I was actually living a pretty decent life—by myself.

    None of this would have been possible had it not been for the blistering heartache of betrayal and loss.

    So, if you are in the shadowy aftermath of loss and it feels as if you are dying, perhaps you are really in the process of being reborn. It is your own inner wisdom that has led you to where you are, so trust it.

    Though you may feel awful now, remember this is how you feel, it is not who you are. Feelings are temporary energy states that, when given permission to exist, like the weather, move in and out of our conscious field.

    There is no point in fighting your feelings because they will only scream louder until you hear them. Why make them work that hard?

    As you progress through your own journey, gently remind yourself that everything you seek, you already have. You may feel broken right now, and that’s okay. It is important to remember that all of the pieces are there, waiting to be put back together in the form of a stronger, wiser you.

    You might stumble along the path, and that is also okay. Life isn’t like the Olympics—we don’t have to perfect the routine or stick the landing—we just have to keep showing up, trying our best every day to travel our own path at our own pace.

    So, I invite you to ask yourself, “How could this pain be an invitation to grow?” If you are patient and listen closely, the answer will find you. It might be slow and subtle at first, but it will come.

  • 3 Signs It’s Time to Break Up

    3 Signs It’s Time to Break Up

    “Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

    There was an incessant doubt deep inside that wouldn’t subside. It followed me everywhere—through the good times and the rough times.

    By “good,” I mean things were okay. They were never great, ecstatic, wildly passionate, and deeply connected.

    I tried to escape it, block it out, ignore it, and pretend this nagging feeling would eventually disappear.

    But my heart wasn’t skipping a beat. The spark had long disappeared. I never had butterflies thinking about him. I felt myself slowly withdrawing.

    And I couldn’t figure out why was this happening.

    He was a wonderful man in so many ways. He treated me well. I knew he loved me. I knew he wanted to be with me. There was nothing drastically wrong with our relationship. Everything was okay with us.

    I didn’t understand. I wanted to feel differently. It would have made my life so much easier.

    So I contemplated. I stayed. I tried to focus on the great things about him, and us, in the hope I’d fall more in love and it’d all work out.

    But it didn’t. Things didn’t change for me. That feeling was there for a reason. We really weren’t right for each other in the long term.

    I agonized over what to do for months and months. Should I stay and ignore my feelings? Should I go and potentially make a massive mistake?

    After much soul searching and going back and forward in my head, I finally found my answer. It broke both of our hearts but I had to trust my intuition and end it.

    This experience taught me so much about myself and what I need and want in love.

    I learned that when it comes to relationships, things don’t always make logical sense, you can’t force chemistry, and sometimes a breakup is the only answer.

    Here are three ways to know when it’s time to break up.

    1. You just know in your heart it’s not right.

    This was me above. I couldn’t explain it in words; I just felt it in my bones.

    I knew I should feel intensely drawn to him. I should want to spend way more time with him. I should want to share all of myself with him. I should want to make future plans with him and look forward to seeing him.

    But I didn’t. And I couldn’t change it no matter how hard I tried.

    I just couldn’t feel the way about him that I wanted to. And nothing I did could force that.

    It was my gut, my instinct, my heart, my intuition trying to tell me that it just wasn’t right. He wasn’t “the one” for me in the same way that I wasn’t his “one,” either.

    There wasn’t anything “wrong,” but the connection I desperately craved was missing. He didn’t light me up and make me want to be a better person. I didn’t feel how I wanted to with him.

    This situation is difficult because you can’t always explain or articulate why you feel the way you feel.

    But it’s so important to trust yourself. Those feelings are your navigation. Your truth. And when you listen, life gets so much easier and you open the channels right on up for greater love and happiness.

    2. You’re miserable more often than you’re happy.

    Do you spend more time fighting, arguing, and feeling annoyed and disappointed than you do enjoying, loving, and growing with one another?

    I’ve been here too. And at the time I thought it was normal. So I put up with it. I kept trying to make it work. I was convinced the fighting would eventually stop if I could be everything he wanted.

    But this isn’t normal, and we were definitely not right for each other. It shouldn’t be this difficult (especially in the beginning).

    Of course, every couple disagrees at times, and that’s normal. But it’s how you communicate and navigate these differences that can make or break your relationship.

    If you constantly push each other’s buttons and find there’s always tension between you, something’s not right.

    If you try to sort out your issues (whether just between the two of you or by seeking help) and you still find yourself miserable more than 50% of the time, it’s a sign this relationship isn’t healthy.

    Really, you should be happy together more like 90% of the time!

    It’s time for bigger, better, happier, more loving times. You know what you need to do.

    3. Your values, morals, and beliefs are misaligned.

    Do you and your partner have different ideas and plans for money, marriage, children, religion, travel, family, work, and life in general?

    Of course, all of our ideas and opinions aren’t always going to be exactly the same. That would just be weird and boring.

    But is there a mountain of differences or even just a few big ones that make you really uncomfortable?

    This is tricky to navigate. You might find that for a while you’re both able to come to a happy compromise or in the beginning of the relationship you can avoid those big contentious issues.

    But I promise you they won’t go away. They’re going to shine bright at some point or another, and if both of you feel strongly about the topic it’s going to make your relationship extremely difficult.

    Years ago my long-term (ex) partner wouldn’t even entertain a conversation about marriage or having children. After a couple of years together this was a huge warning for me that he didn’t see our relationship progressing much further for a long time.

    I wanted something completely different than he did in life, and it was so important to me to be able to at least discuss these things. It made me realize we really weren’t right for one another. It was time to walk.

    To be happy, comfortable, and growing in a relationship, you both need to be on the same page. You need to feel understood, accepted, and heard. When there are differing views on important life topics, this becomes almost impossible and can be difficult to resolve.

    When you want the same things and feel similar ways about important issues couples are faced with, your relationship is so much more harmonious, connected, and easy.

    So you’re going to want to think long and hard about whether the two of you are really compatible and what kind of differences you’re okay with.

    If there are too many to count or you just find yourself butting heads about critical issues that you both refuse to compromise on, it’s time to go your own ways.

    —

    Many say that relationships are hard work. This is true to some degree. There will always be tough times that test you both and ask for compromise, but I truly believe that the majority of the time relationships should bring joy, inspiration, and happiness to both of you.

    This is when you know it’s real. It’s right. It’s love.

    Things aren’t meant to be hard. You’re supposed to support, encourage, and love each other, not constantly struggle with one another or question things.

    I know breakups aren’t easy. They’re just as heart breaking for the person ending it as it is for the partner on the receiving end. And the wounds take time to heal.

    But if you’re continuously unhappy, seriously, what’s the point? You really are better off alone or with someone who brings you true joy.

    So go ahead and trust your heart and your own instinct. You know deep down what the answer is and where your truth lies.

    Be brave. Know that the pain will go and more joy will come. Do what you need to do to find real love. It’s always, always worth it.

  • How to Be Sure External Factors Aren’t Affecting Your Decision

    How to Be Sure External Factors Aren’t Affecting Your Decision

    Standing at a Crossroad

    “Don’t make a permanent decision for your temporary emotion.” ~Unknown

    It was a beautiful day today. The sun shone brightly, kissing my face and warming my bones, the sky was as blue as a lover’s eyes, and there were those little fluffy clouds that seem like aimless but happy sheep floating gently in the sky.

    And my heart sang.

    I felt joy deep down in my soul.

    I smiled at bus drivers and baristas alike.

    Nothing could dent my good mood.

    Currently mulling over medium-term plans (I started living as a digital nomad two years ago), I started to consider seriously the idea of a short-term let in the English countryside, or a house-sit in some glorious old farmhouse surrounded by living green or golden fields, a cat on my lap, a dog by my feet, and chickens out back.

    Whooooah Nelly.

    I snapped back to reality with a click, the sunlight suddenly seeming harsh instead of kind, the blue of the sky austere instead of abundant, and the sheep in the sky suddenly moving with threatening purpose.

    I’ve been living in Thailand for nearly two years now, drawn there initially to experience something other than the total-work-immersion and the health issues that had previously dominated my life.

    Gradually, as I had begun to understand more the activities that brought me delight and awoke my passions, I eased into building a life there.

    I was happy to come back to the UK for periods of four to six weeks, a couple of times a year, but I wasn’t currently planning on living there. Not right now, anyway.

    It was then I was reminded how much our environment—in this case, the weather—affects our emotions and moods.

    It was easy to see how much the weather that day was influencing me. And I could remember lots of times when cold days and drizzle had made everything seem a little bit harder, a little bit more difficult to bear, a little more wearing on body and soul.

    And I wondered what other decisions I might have made in those circumstances, unconscious of the fact that the weather might have been influencing how I chose to move forward.

    Had I rejected social opportunities because my body had withdrawn into the comfort of sofa and duvet on days with biting winter winds?

    Had I declined to return a phone call from a recruiter that might have brought new possibilities because I didn’t want to take my gloves off on a cold day?

    Had I turned down a second date with a potential lover because the idea of trekking into the city to meet him in the rain felt like too much trouble?

    Alternatively, when the sun was shining, haloing those around me with a golden light, had I given people the benefit of the doubt?

    Had the energy to be kind to strangers?

    Gone out of my way to visit friends and family to share the warmth that the sun had brought me with them?

    This all led me to consider what other unseen or unheard things influence the decisions I make—decisions I think I am making independently, through my own free will.

    Environment, weather, the people I’ve just seen, the people I’m about to see, a song on the radio, the colors in the café where I’m writing out my pros and cons list.

    Buying a house is a classic example. Estate agents try to take photos of houses with a blue sky, with spring the best time to sell a house in the western hemisphere, and the sullen month of January the worst.

    There’s no question we can be influenced more than we realize by external factors. Marketing relies on this. But we can grow our awareness, and free ourselves from at least some of the stuff that isn’t really “us.”

    Here are my suggestions for how to ensure any decision you make is as much “yours” as it can be.

    1. Listen to your gut, then wait.

    This is one of the reasons I think it’s always a good idea to make a decision and then sit on it for a day or so.

    It’s taken me a long time to really hear my gut, and listen to my inner self. It’s important to listen to our instincts as part of any decision-making process, and combine that with experience, logic, and time to make the best possible decision.

    2. Consider your choice in different environments and difficult circumstances.

    Does it seem as good an idea in the dark night as it does in the bright day? In the cold as in the warm?

    In the dead of night, alone in bed I sometimes experience huge anxiety about things that in the day wouldn’t trouble me at all. I know now not to make a decision based on that anxiety alone.

    3. Get to know yourself better.

    Do you know what moods different external factors put you in? Do you love summer rain, or being cosy by the fire in autumn? Or do colorful spring flowers and snow at Christmas put you in a good mood?

    When you know what’s likely to increase your optimism or pessimism, when you’re thinking about a decision, take this into account.

    4. Track your moods.

    Moodscope.com is great for this. This engaging online tool presents you with twenty different emotions and asks you, via flipping cards, to rate yourself on each feeling every day. This can give you a very clear understanding of how you feel each day, and can help you to make your decisions accordingly.

    5. Make more of an effort.

    When you know you’re being affected negatively by outside circumstances, go out of your way to be kind not only to others, but to yourself.

    Hold off on big decisions where you can, and don’t sweat small decisions; it really doesn’t matter if you have the pasta or the risotto for your dinner. Have the other one another time.

    —

    Reminding ourselves that our emotions affect our decision-making, and that our emotions in turn are affected by many external factors, can help us to step back and understand how we are actually making a decision.

    As with many human processes, it’s not quite as simple as it looks, but it doesn’t take much to think about what else is going on, and allow for it.

    Man at a crossroad image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Practices to Help You Let Go and Embrace Change

    5 Practices to Help You Let Go and Embrace Change

    Embrace Change

    “Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Unknown

    The summer I turned twenty, I worked as a camp counselor at an educational camp with strict rules. As one of my responsibilities, I escorted groups of fifteen to twenty students, ranging in age from middle school to high school, to and from their classes and activities across a large urban campus.

    I was in charge of a group of spoiled, rebellious sixteen and seventeen-year-olds who would rather be spending their summer anywhere but at an academic camp.

    Because I was only a few years older than them, I had some difficulty controlling their behavior—camp rules required that I confiscate cell phones, discourage talking during class, and deal with a shoplifting incident at the campus store.

    After a few weeks on the job, I was feeling overwhelmed. The older students would sabotage us by making us late for every class. They’d goof around, stall by pretending to tie their shoes, or stand in traffic.

    My tactics—telling them repeatedly to hurry up, calling out to them that we’d be late as they lagged far behind crossing streets, and listing the reasons we had to walk faster—weren’t doing me any good. I was sick of repeating myself, I was losing my voice, and my approach wasn’t getting the results I wanted.

    So one day, out of desperation, I tried the opposite of what I had been doing. Instead of putting so much energy into trying to control them and be on time, I let go.

    I continued walking with the younger kids and let the older ones walk behind us at whatever pace they wanted. I pretended to ignore them (while still keeping an eye on them since I was solely responsible for their safety). By letting go, something strange happened: we all arrived at the class faster than ever.

    Giving them a little space and taking my attention off them probably made them feel more mature and independent, like they were walking on their own. Instead of leading by micromanaging, I stepped back and tried to care less in order to get the results I wanted.

    If you find yourself up against a wall, maybe you’re trying to force things. Paradoxically, letting go and loosening your control can pave the way for you to achieve what you desire.

    It’s not about un-attaching yourself from the outcome you want. I still wanted compliance and respect from the campers, but I decided to go about achieving that in a different way. This shifting mindset is like a tiny gear changing, but it can make a profound difference.

    When was the last time you hit a wall and tried shifting your perspective to reach a solution? How can you cultivate and encourage such a mindset in your daily life to think differently? Here are five small practices to help you learn to embrace change and harness your creativity.

    1. Mix up your routines.

    You may be stuck in ruts you don’t even realize. Brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand. (It’s surprisingly difficult, and it enhances creativity by building new neural pathways in the brain.) If you’re right-handed, try using your left hand to move your mouse cursor for an afternoon.

    Shift the arrangement of the apps on your phone, or change up the order and organization of the files on your computer desktop. It can be very disorienting at first, but just try something new and getting over your initial resistance is the hardest part.

    2. Experiment with new tastes.

    At the start of each month, make a list of foods (guava, figs, buffalo jerky) that you’ve never tasted. It can be as simple as sampling a new kind of cheese.

    It’s reassuring and comforting to hold on to our old, trusted standbys, but you never know what could become your new favorite food. I didn’t try mango or pomegranate seeds until last year, but now they’re two of my all-time favorite fruits.

    3. Add playfulness to your day.

    The next time you’re at a coffee shop or restaurant, why not order with a British or Indian accent (if you’re not British or Indian)? Stick to your accent the whole time, or switch it up in mid conversation and try to keep a straight face.

    Or, if you’re shopping for clothes, pick one item to try on that’s something you’d never wear. You’ll (hopefully) at least get a laugh, but being playful can also open you up to considering new ways of doing routine tasks, helping to gently expand your perspective as you see more possibilities than the obvious, logical ones.

    4. Reach out to others.

    Let go of any inclination to be too inwardly focused by observing and commenting on your surroundings. Compliment a stranger on a piece of jewelry he or she is wearing, or ask a stranger for directions somewhere.

    If you seek out interactions each day or each week that you wouldn’t otherwise have had, you may be surprised by the cumulative effect they can have on your creativity. It can also open you up to more opportunities that you otherwise would have missed if you hadn’t stepped out of your own headspace.

    5. Clear out old stuff.

    For twelve years, I had an alarm clock that was a comforting presence since it was the first thing I saw each morning. I realized I no longer needed it, but I didn’t want to abruptly let go of it.

    So, I took baby steps by first just unplugging the alarm clock. Then, I moved it down on the floor. After a few days, I put it in a brown bag so it was out of sight. A few days after that, I put the bag by the door, and then the next day I donated the alarm clock.

    If we resist the little changes in our lives, we have a much harder time dealing with the big changes. When a certain method isn’t working for you, take a step back, clarify what you want to accomplish, and open yourself up to approaching the problem in a different way. Letting go can feel scary, but it can also bring you to something better.

    Man with arms outstretched image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should Look Forward to More of Each Day

    Why We Should Look Forward to More of Each Day

    Excited for the day

    “Use your smile to change the world; don’t let the world change your smile.” ~Unknown

    For most of us the average day includes a mix of things we both look forward to and things we don’t look forward to. We look forward to coffee in the morning, we regret that we have to go to work; we look forward to coming home at the end of the day, we dislike that we have to do laundry.

    But how much of your life are you giving up if you dread, dislike, regret and don’t look forward to, say, 50% of your average day? Logical reasoning says that, based on this estimate, you’re giving up half of your entire life. And you’re giving it up simply because you aren’t looking at your life from a healthy perspective.

    When we don’t look forward to something—when we don’t enjoy it—we aren’t very present in that current moment. It’s like life is just passing by, and we’re just waiting for it to pass so we can get on with the more fun or interesting parts of each day.

    When we get caught up in this waiting-for-better-moments routine, we aren’t actively living, are we?

    We end up passive, joyless, unhappy, and unfulfilled. All because we’re waiting for the good things in life to happen for us.

    Stop waiting.

    You can have crazy amounts of joy and excitement in life if you just change the perspective from which you view things. And you can do it by following this one simple rule:

    Look forward to each day.

    A Life of Looking Forward

    Looking forward to even the smallest parts of your day can not only make that day more enjoyable, but it can also improve your outlook on life, help you appreciate the things you have, keep you from getting stressed out, and help you have better relationships.

    Look forward to each day and you’ll realize the millions of silver linings you’ve been ignoring, if only because you weren’t looking for them.

    Maybe the first time you actively decide to look forward to going to work, you’ll realize how lucky you are to simply have a job. The next day you look forward to work, you might remember a kind act that someone at the office did for you the previous day and look forward to repaying that action.

    Once you start looking forward to things more often, you’ll find more and more reasons to appreciate and be excited for everything that comes your way.

    Look forward to paying your bills. You’re buying a roof over your head—something that other people in the world might never have the luxury to afford.

    Look forward to sitting in traffic during rush hour; think of it as down time to reflect on the events of your day.

    I might sound a little crazy to you right about now if you’re used to hating all of these things. Bills and traffic, after all, are never something to look forward to, right?

    Only if you choose to have that perspective about them.

    How I Started Looking Forward to Every Day

    I won’t say that I’m a naturally negative person. I no longer believe that anyone is “naturally” anything. You can change anything about yourself if you really, really want to. I’ve learned that now.

    I will say, though, that I am a pretty stressed out person most days. At least I was. Between you and me, I still am sometimes.

    But I’ve chosen to stop being negative and to stop being stressed. I only try to enjoy everything. Each day I look forward to all the potential good things that could happen. I don’t lie to myself. I just look at everything in a positive light.

    I used to dislike how I looked. I regretted the things I wasn’t born with. I regretted the opportunities I had never had. I disliked having to work when I didn’t feel like it. Many days I just waited for “this day” to be over, hoping that maybe tomorrow would be better.

    I wish I could say that some life-changing realization struck me suddenly on a windy, mysterious night and that said realization allowed me to live my life positively from that day forward.

    But that would be a lie.

    The truth is, it took many years of me feeling bad about myself and searching for ways to feel better.

    It took many sincere conversations for me to realize how negative I was being, and it took many, many attempts to correct my perspective and my behavior for me to finally, genuinely be positive.

    You know, it’s kind of frustrating the first time that you realize you had the power to make your life drastically more enjoyable just by changing your perspective.

    As soon as I started looking forward to just being me, my life became much happier. Every day is a good day now, because I’ve chosen to see it that way.

    Don’t get me wrong; I still get sad, angry, and stressed. But I experience negative emotions like these much less often because I don’t wake up each day thinking about all the possible ways my day could go wrong.

    Instead, I wake up and focus on all the great opportunities just waiting for me.

    I’m telling you this because I’m hoping that you won’t spend years trying to be happier, and that you’ll simply start looking forward to each new day and feel all the joy that you’ve been missing out on.

    I do understand, though, that it’s kind of hard to just suddenly start looking forward to everything, so here are a few tricks that work for me. Maybe they will help you start to view each day in an optimistic light.

    1. Keep good feelings with you all the time.

    If I watch an inspiring movie, witness a random act of kindness, or even just feel especially happy on a given day, I choose to remember those feelings and keep them in the forefront of my mind as I do whatever I’m doing. It’s like having an extra blanket of positivity in addition to me looking forward to my day.

    Focus on retaining positive feelings and you’ll be a lot stronger when negative things come your way.

    2. Just live.

    If I find that my mind is wandering and that I’m stressing out about things I have to do today or that I’m trying to plan out my day too aggressively, I remind myself that I need to live in the present moment.

    I stop thinking about everything. I just live. If I’m writing, I hone in on how good it feels to be typing. If I’m driving, I make sure to appreciate the scenery with extra attention to detail. I stop trying to control everything, and I just live in the moment.

    3. Think of everything you are grateful for.

    Another trick I’ve learned for suppressing negative thoughts and feelings is to think of everything I have. I think of all the things in that current moment that I can be grateful for, and I swear I find more and more each time.

    I’ll tell you one thing: It’s really hard to be angry about a late rent check when you’re simultaneously grateful for the comfortable home in which you live.

    4. Forgive everything.

    I have to say, I’m still working on this one. But it does help me tremendously when I’m able to do it. My temper can be pretty off-the-handle, and someone cutting me off in traffic is definitely enough to spark it.

    But I’ve gotten a lot better at remembering that I’ve probably done that same thing before, and I get over the issue and move on with my day.

    It’s a lot easier to look forward to everything when you don’t let baggage from the past weigh you down.

    If you take anything away from this today, let it be this: You are you. And that’s all you need to make today awesome. Look forward to it.

    Happy jogger image via Shutterstock

  • Surrendering to Things We Can’t Control or Change

    Surrendering to Things We Can’t Control or Change

    Surrender

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    I’ve always sped through life. I’ve always been ready to take on the next moment, that new place, make a new memory.

    I’m an obsessive planner. I love control. Seriously, I love the feeling of researching and executing a plan flawlessly. It makes me feel like it’s all worth something, or it gives my life meaning. Nothing satisfies me more than being able to check that next “life goal” off the multiple checklists I create.

    This idea of getting to the next place and achieving as much success as possible in minimal amounts of time has taken over my life.

    I can’t tell you when it began. But I can tell you that this idea of getting to the next moment has consumed my life for at least the better half of ten years.

    I have never truly experienced a lasting sense of peace. I have the minimal moments of pure, carefree relief, sometimes while showering, swimming, or working out But these moments fade and I’m back to feeling anxious about what to do next.

    Even deciding what to make for breakfast sends my mind into a whirlwind of ifs and buts. What if I make this egg sandwich and then decided I wanted cereal instead? What if I drink too much water and where I’m headed for the day doesn’t have a lot of bathrooms?

    Seriously, these are concerns I wake up with every day. I feel ridiculous just writing them down, and trust me, only a few people are truly aware of how bad my anxiety really is.

    No, I’m not medicated. Maybe half of you think I should be after reading how outrageous my anxiety and obsessive need for control is.

    But if you met me, you would never know these thoughts race through my mind almost every second of everyday.

    People can appear happy go lucky, carefree, and spontaneous. But you never know what demons they are facing inside the confinement of their own thoughts and mind.

    It’s easier said than done, but in order to truly defeat anxiety and this obsessive need for control, we need to surrender. Just let it be. Don’t give up. Don’t sit in your house sending out messages to the universe that you want more money, a better job, or a bigger house.

    You need to wake up each day, do your best, and then accept that after you have done all you can, it’s up to the universe and not you to take on the rest.

    If you take the time to be present, the universe will reward you.

    1. Be fully involved in whatever you do.

    Put all your thought into whatever minimal task you are doing this very moment. It will help to center yourself and keep negative and outrageous thoughts and scenarios from coming into your mind.

    2. Stop trying to control everything.

    It makes me cringe to say these words. But you are not in control. Honestly, we are not. We create this false sense of control, but it’s not reality. We can only be responsible for our own thoughts and actions, so why not make them good ones?

    3. Look at the bigger picture.

    Is any of this going to matter? Okay, so sometimes that deadline and that big test do matter, but when you’re running five minutes late, is it really life or death? Stop beating yourself up. There is so much more to life.

    4. Be kind.

    And I’m not just saying to other people; be kind to yourself. If I treated any of my friends the way I treated and talked to myself, they would be running for the hills. (To be honest, my closest friends have been trying to run for years and haven’t succeeded—and that, my friends, is true love. Just kidding.)

    You can be your biggest critic or your biggest cheerleader. Always choose the cheerleader

    5. Accept.

    Accept yourself, accept others, and accept that the only way we truly leave a footprint on this world is when we impact and change others’ lives for the better.

    It’s easy to write these things down, and a heck of a lot harder to actually do any of them, but if we take the steps toward finding ourselves and surrendering to what we can’t change or control, I promise life will get a whole lot better.

    Surrender image via Shutterstock

  • In the Garden of Happiness: Available for Pre-Order

    Over the past year, I’ve shared countless uplifting picture quotes from the Positive Outlooks Facebook page, loved and followed by millions. It’s a treasure trove of wisdom, motivation, and inspiration, in large part due to the vision of its founder, Dodinsky.

    He’s planning to release his second book in January, a follow-up to his bestselling inspirational book In the Garden of Thoughts. If you’re looking to start the new year with a jolt of positivity, I highly recommend pre-ordering In the Garden of Happiness!

  • How I’m Getting Past Internal Resistance So I Can Live a Life I Love

    How I’m Getting Past Internal Resistance So I Can Live a Life I Love

    “Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

    This is not a piece about a person who has already finished her journey. I am not here to tell you that I’ve emerged from a dark place into a place of ease, or that I’ve discovered a profound new way of being that shields me from daily stresses.

    I wish I could tell you those things. I love to read about successes like that.

    Instead, I am in a messy stage of my journey, holding on to the glimmers of joy that I feel throughout each day, dreaming and journaling and not getting enough sleep.

    I am transitioning to a different life path as we speak.

    I take each day as its own adventure, knowing that I will feel any combination of boredom, happiness, depression, anxiety, and curiosity. Knowing that it’s okay for change to be complicated, that it’s okay to be confused one minute and excited the next as long as I keep asking questions and keep looking for answers.

    There’s no avoiding this part of the journey, the part where you peel back the layers of who you were and make room for who you will be. Where you shake free from the comforts and limiting beliefs you’ve been living under, where you consider if the life you’ve been living truly reflects who you are.

    This is the scary part. The part where you feel guilty or ashamed or sad that it took you this long to acknowledge your dreams. It’s hard to know when this part will end. All you can do is keep moving and know that those answers will come.

    For the past five years my life has not reflected who I truly am, as I’ve worked a job that bored me so deeply that my soul quietly settled down to sleep.

    On one hand, I am grateful for this job, grateful for the boredom-induced depression that shook me gently but steadily until I finally dusted myself off to search for something more.

    I am grateful for the months of utter paralysis, as I knew I was somehow meant to stretch my creative spirit but did not understand what that looked like or how it sustained me.

    I aim to forgive the part of myself that argued it was “too late,” and that I should just accept the steady job with no questions asked.

    And so I remained as patient as I could. I asked friends to describe my strengths, I vented to my journal. I cried and read inspirational blogs until my eyes reddened. I closed my eyes and meditated, waiting for the light bulb moment to provide me my core beliefs and purpose.

    I’m grateful I did not give up. That I have not given up, still.

    My breakthrough came a year and a half into my journey. One and a half years of reading and thinking and hoping for more. And suddenly, with little warning:

    I think I’m supposed to do visual art, written quickly into my journal.

    Isn’t it funny how life surprises you? I didn’t see this coming; I hadn’t pursued art in my twenties or dreamed of someday being a full-time artist. I let the thought sit for months, afraid of it, thinking I must have misheard my yearnings.

    And so I waited until the thought reemerged four months later. Stronger now, more insistent.

    And I am grateful I listened.

    My journey has changed shape, as journeys often do if you let them, softly tugging me into a makeshift studio after work each evening where I paint and write and remind myself to take big, soothing breaths.

    I’m still not a full-time artist yet, but every day is an adventure still, asking me only that if I haven’t yet found my confidence, to please get up each day and try anyway. And so I get up each day and I try, even when I’m overwhelmed and tired, even when my next steps are unclear.

    One of my favorite mentors, Marie Forleo, has often said clarity comes from engagement, which is a hard concept for those of us who plan endlessly and write everything down multiple times so that we can avoid actually taking that first step.

    That first step, which supports the next and the next, is the most important of all.

    Without action, my journey would be back at square one, huddled under the weight of my doubts and fears.

    Without action, my soul would still be asleep, unable to consider a different future.

    Without action, I would not cherish these moments of actual joy, my paint brush in hand. I would not know they existed.

    And so the question becomes: have you been listening?

    Do you feel the tugs, however quiet, that will lead you in a new direction? I know many of us are so good at ignoring these whispers, resisting the changes that feel so big and scary and new that we can’t imagine where the journey will lead.

    Today, I want you to act, acknowledging your resistance with empathy as you move forward anyway. I want you to get messy and uncomfortable, even if that simply means facing your fears in the pages of your journal.

    If you are just at the beginning, or perhaps even in the middle of your journey as I am, remember: you are capable of joy. Now how will you create it?