Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • The Experiences That Keep Repeating: Finally Learning the Lesson

    The Experiences That Keep Repeating: Finally Learning the Lesson

    Man on Mountain

    “Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav

    I love the way the universe doesn’t let us get away with anything. Its loving energy allows us to repeat similar life experiences over and over again until we learn that spiritual lesson. Lately, I have been having the most profound healing around my stepson James.

    This one particular night, the universe was offering a chance to love my own father and forgive myself for how I treated my brother, through my relationship with James.

    When he got home from his weekly visit with his grandparents, where he sometimes sees his father, James was a bit off.

    “Hey James, can you get your jammies on please? It’s time to get ready for bed, buddy,” I said as nice and firm as possible.

    Instead of listening and responding to me, he continued to play with his ninja turtle.

    “Hey buddy, can you pick out your clothes for tomorrow and get your jammies on? It’s bed time.”

    He continued to ignore me and his mother’s prompts to get going with his night business. Instead, he started asking questions about random things.

    Five minutes later, with his negotiating skills increasing, I told him I was about to carry him to bed since it was time. He resisted, and when I placed him in bed, he cried, swung at me, and screamed profanities that would shock anyone hearing such language from a little person.    

    This is the moment I grew spiritually. I became a container. I held space for James. I didn’t run out the door. I didn’t prevent him, in the million ways I could have, from expressing those feelings. I didn’t emotionally shut off and hide.

    I was beginning to see in James my own “inner child” that did not have his father in his life. I also began to see my little brother that I raged on and abused at times during childhood, releasing all the violence I saw in our home and in the streets around me.

    James eventually began to wind down. He still flung his arms and legs at me and there were still random cuss words that trickled to one every few breaths. Sage, my daughter, was nervous this whole time and near the end was crying herself.

    “Daddy, I don’t like when he talks to you like that. It hurts my feelings!” she exclaimed in tears.

    “Oh, honey, he’s having big feelings. You don’t have to be afraid for me. You’re safe. I’m safe. He’s safe.” I tried to comfort her. She seemed to calm down a bit.

    Part of our nightly routine is to remove their bad dreams. I do an animated show of pulling all the bad dreams from their head and swirling them around in my hands, tossing them out the window, and cutting the loose ties to their body. This night was no different. I was sticking to our regular routine.

    I asked James if he wanted me to take his bad dreams out. He declined and sat with his arms crossed on his bed. “I hate you,” he kept softly repeating.

    Sage wanted her nightmares out, so I continued as normal. I decided to be even more lovingly animated so James could see what fun we were having.

    At the end they usually ask to take my dreams out and fill me with love. After blasting love in our chests we give one last strong push and it’s over.

    This night, when Sage pushed my heart that final time, I flew back in a dramatic flare and fell to the ground full of love. I could see James unlocking his arms, and he had a small smile on his face. I got up and asked James one last time if he wanted me to take his bad dreams out.

    He whispered something. “What did you say, buddy?” I asked.

    “Yes, I want my bad dreams out,” he said calmly and quietly.

    “Sure,” I joyfully responded.

    At the end of removing his nightmares, he was his normal self, excited to blow me away with his love. He pushed me and I flew harder and bounced around the room.

    He laughed and laughed and I thought, “I did it. I got him out his funk.”

    What I didn’t expect was the greater healing. After, I lay on the floor waiting for them to fall asleep. I heard James whimper and softly cry. I got up and rubbed his back and legs and was silent for a long moment.

    “You miss your dad, huh, buddy?” I asked gently.

    He was curled up facing the wall and shook his head.

    “I’m so sorry you didn’t get to see him tonight.”

    I just stood there, caressing his back for a few minutes until he relaxed his mind and body. Then I lay down and cried.

    I finally got it.

    Love is the only answer. I forgave my own father on a deeper level in that moment. My brother and I needed our dad too. I did the best I could and failed at loving my father and not harming my brother. Now, I can forgive myself, and be a dad to James, Sage, and most importantly, to myself.

    When we recognize that life provides countless opportunities to heal and develop unconditional love for those that fell short, we feel a sense of freedom.

    With that comes humility to face our own spiritual lesson to overcome. If we take the opportunity, there is a release that is deep and everlasting. What spiritual lesson keeps repeating for you?

    Man on mountain image via Shutterstock

  • Getting Back Your Spark When Every Day Feels Hard

    Getting Back Your Spark When Every Day Feels Hard

    “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” ~Thomas Jefferson

    Did you ever wake up one morning and not know who you were anymore?

    Waking up for the past four years of my life, I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day. The same things happened every day, and I felt the same horrible feelings all the time. Anxiety, depression, and hopelessness ran my life.

    I had it all figured out at some point. I was furthering my career and moving toward my dream of becoming a psychologist. I had great co-workers, tons of friends, and a supportive family.

    There was this continuous, sun-shiny, flowing feeling of “everything works out for the best.” Any struggles I went through would make me stronger, a better psychologist and friend. A better person. And so, I enjoyed the ups and downs of life with no regrets and little struggle.

    It seems that I woke up one day and everything was gone.

    I had lost my job, which paid for my education. All my friends had drug abuse issues, and I removed myself from their lives or vice versa. My puppy, best friend since age five, died four days before my birthday. I was plagued with pain from Lyme disease and an undiagnosed tick-borne illness. I felt like every piece of my life was falling apart.

    My dreams were not coming true anymore. I still have no idea how I slid down this far without knowing it.

    The best parts of my life had left me, and it seems like it all hit me at once. There were no more happy, “let it go, it’ll all turn out for the best” thoughts. It was all darkness. I had lost myself and my joy for life.

    The worst part was that I knew I could get back to that place if I tried. But I didn’t know how. I longed for that spark, that fulfillment with my life, for years. I just couldn’t put my finger on what I was missing. I hadn’t even realized that it was gone until it seemed light years away.

    I realize now that there were quite a few things I could actively do every day to pull myself out of this dark place. If you’re going through a rough time, these may help you as well.

    1. Acknowledge and appreciate everything that happens, even the seemingly bad.

    During my “golden age,” I had acknowledged everything that worked out well for me. I recognized the random strokes of luck that life handed me and appreciated them, and it seemed like more of these things happened as a result.

    When I lost my way, I was so focused on the negative, overwhelming feelings that I thought good things just didn’t happen for me anymore. I had to learn that the only difference between a good thing and a bad thing is how you look at it.

    I could sit and think about how much I disliked my boyfriend’s mother all day. From the first thought in the morning, all the way until bedtime I could obsess over how horribly she treated me. Why couldn’t she just accept me as I am? I love her son more than anything, after all!

    After struggling with this for close to a year, I finally realized why she had grown to be such a focal point in my life. She was here to teach me compassion. True, loving compassion for someone you thought you couldn’t stand, until you open your eyes and think what it may be like to be them.

    It is a good thing that she is in my life, and though she often presents challenges to me, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She helped me to see that people are not black and white, good or bad.

    Nothing is inherently bad; it just is. As your mind processes information, it applies your filters, your beliefs, and your preconceptions to the information. This is the reason we are angered, or feel sad, or disappointed. It’s not actually the thing she said, or what he did that angered you; it’s all what you think about it.

    2. Challenge limiting, irrational thoughts.

    When things go haywire, we tend to cling to our irrational thoughts like a life preserver, when what we really need to hold onto is our inner calm.

    I really believed that I could just think my way out of the hopelessness-box I had placed myself in. I obsessed and ran and re-ran the same thoughts all day, trying to make sense or pull what I wanted out of every conversation.

    My mind was a mess of tangled thoughts that I used to keep me in a bad place. Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was ever good at all. And there seemed nothing I could do about it but obsess even more.

    I would obsess that my boyfriend and I weren’t getting along. Did he still love me? Why wasn’t that spark there anymore? He was cheating on me, he had to be. Why couldn’t things be the way they used to be? Why had he said that thing this morning, the one that made me feel so unloved?

    I realized that all these thoughts did was give me something external to obsess over, to keep me from thinking about the real problem.

    The real reason why I was uncomfortable and stuck in this thought loop was because of my own insecurities. I did not feel like I was good enough for him, hence my sneaking suspicion he would cheat on me. Focusing on what he may do kept me from addressing my own issues.

    I was insecure. I had deep rooted self-worth issues, and I kept looking past the fact that all this started and ended with me. It was my insecurities making me think this way. It was my thoughts that would one day enable these things to happen—if I wanted to keep believing that I wasn’t good enough.

    Often, when you think defeating and self-limiting thoughts all day, you start to believe they are true.

    If you start from a place of love and acceptance for yourself, it greatly affects the way you think about important things in your life. My panicked mind just took the root cause and expanded upon it, made it grow, made it bigger and meaner until I couldn’t overlook the real problem staring me in the face anymore.

    When you accept and love yourself as you are, and when you feel the inner peacefulness and calm inside yourself, you are able to see straight through your own tricks.

    3. Do something just for you. Every day.

    I am a responsible person and I always did everything I was supposed to do. I was a good girl. I went to work. I did my job. I did the dishes and laundry and was exhausted by the end of every day. But I couldn’t sleep through the night.

    I felt like nothing was ever truly done. There was always more to do. I remember looking at a dirty bottle once and breaking down crying. Being everything for everyone doesn’t mean anything if you can’t enjoy a few moments with yourself. No one can appreciate you the way you can.

    I slowly started substituting tasks with things I wanted to do. Instead of coming home and picking up the living room, I would come home and exercise. I felt better, relaxed, and energized when I was done, and the picking up got done quickly and without the bitterness accompanied by never having any time to do anything for me.

    Its funny—all these people are relying on you, but all these people really need is you. Not the things you do. They love and appreciate you for you, not for the clean house. I had built up this idea that being a mother and responsible adult meant that I couldn’t have fun anymore. That I couldn’t do things I enjoy.

    Make time to do something you love, and to just be you. Make you your number one priority today. Everything else will fall into place

    4. Let the fun in.

    Dance to your favorite song in the car, go dig your hands in the dirt in the garden, tickle your husband, make a mess; however you like to have fun, do it!

    It seems like as we grow into adults, we are expected to act like grown-ups and slowly filter out all the fun in our lives. Piece by piece you realize everything that you used to enjoy, you no longer do!

    Reclaim your life.

    You need to take whatever time you have and use it to the fullest. It’s okay to go a little crazy. Get a little dirty doing something you enjoy. Remember what it was like to be a kid and totally immerse yourself in something, just because you loved to do it.

    Forget your to-do list and do you instead. Love completely, open your heart, act like a kid, and who knows; you may just feel like one again.

  • Dealing With Uncertainty: When You Don’t Know What to Do Next

    Dealing With Uncertainty: When You Don’t Know What to Do Next

    “Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

    There’s a lot of advice out there that tells us when to let go of something and make a change in our lives, as if moving on were as simple as your brain notifying your hand to loosen it’s grip and release a balloon in the air.

    But when it comes to grappling with your heart and soul, it’s not such an easy thing to do. You cannot choose to amputate your feelings on a moment’s notice.

    Maybe you’re sitting in a place of uncertainty for what you should do next. Perhaps you didn’t get closure on what happened in a relationship or you don’t understand what the lesson is that you’re supposed to learn from a situation. Whatever it may be, some part of your life is confusing.

    I too have been going through a period of ambiguity, both personally and professionally, as I have been in a career transition that’s taking much longer than I expected, and I had a heartbreaking romantic relationship abruptly end.

    Having both of these things occurring simultaneously has been intense, and it’s left me questioning my capabilities and how I got myself into these circumstances.

    These are things I’ve gathered from thought leaders, spiritual teachers, books, and friends that have helped me to find some solace in the meantime:

    Surrender the internal battle.

    You probably have a long list of logical reasons for what you should do, or feel, about where you are. In an attempt to make yourself believe this rationale, you repeat them over and over.

    You think, “This person is selfish and immature, so I should dump them.” Or, “This company doesn’t value me, so I should quit.” Yet, for some reason you just can’t make the conviction stick enough to take that next step. Stop fighting with yourself. This a sign that it’s not your truth right now.

    What’s the rush?

    Having doubts is a sign that your heart and mind are in conflict.

    If you’re in a physical or emotionally abusive situation, obviously you need to make a more immediate decision for your well-being. But if your circumstances allow for you to have the option to stay put, you should. Try to stop flicking the problem with questions and more analyzing. Your intellect, creativity, and ability to reason have not failed you.

    Lao Tzu wrote, “Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Have the patience to wait! Be still and allow the mud to settle.” We usually feel agitated and unstable when we’re unclear, and if we’re not conscious of it, we can push ourselves to make a rash decision that may not be the best option.

    Drop the judgment.

    Telling yourself you’re “crazy,” “foolish,” or “something is wrong with me” for being indecisive is mean. Punishing your emotions by ridiculing them will not make them go away any faster or help you to hurry up to make a decision.

    When you work to try to change your feelings, you’re going against a natural part of you, which causes more pain and stress. Be kind to yourself. Just honor them as a piece of you that needs loving compassion and allow for them to be there.

    Trust the process.

    Try to have faith that whatever you’re experiencing right now will ultimately be for your highest good, and that whenever you receive the right information, it will be the perfect time.

    The only certainty we have is change. While you may be suffering now, that too will transform. In Kinesiology, it is well-known that when building muscle tissue, for either flexibility or strength, tiny tears occur in the process. So too do our emotions. Sometimes they have to rip apart to grow and expand.

    You’re going to be done when you’re done.

    Just because someone tells you it’s time to move on, that doesn’t mean that you should. Trying to force yourself to let go before you’re ready to could mean you may have some regret later and you’re the only one who would have to live with that, not the other person who’s doling out the advice.

    Find other examples in your past when you’ve known exactly when the right time was to make a change. You’ll have that certainty again.

    Get busy.

    What else do you want in your life? Focus on what you are certain of and start working on it. Whether it’s going to the gym more, cooking healthier meals, or organizing your living space, find a project that will improve another aspect of your vitality.

    By distracting your attention, you’re cultivating positive energy rather than stagnating on something that is beyond your control. The more happiness you create, the more you’ll attract.

    Being in a place of uncertainty can feel like a difficult, scary place to be in, but it’s a sign that you’re going through a transition. And in this odyssey that is life, it’s a normal phase of any journey of inner evolution.

    Let the unfolding happen with the greatest comfort and care that you would with any birth. This is a gestation into your new self.

  • When We Try to Change Others and Avoid Ourselves

    When We Try to Change Others and Avoid Ourselves

    “I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” ~Jim Rohn

    This is indeed a fact—a fact I took a long time to learn.

    You may argue that we help each other change, and it’s true. But the deepest truth is that only we are responsible for our own growth.

    The most difficult work is the seemingly minuscule shift from resistance to willingness, which allows us to face the difficult things we’ve been hiding from, and only we can do this for ourselves. 

    I had boyfriends who had issues. One of them lacked ambition; he was already lost when we met around age sixteen. I, on the other hand, was born with sparks at my heels. It took me two years to have the courage to break up with him.

    I dated another sweet guy who also happened to be lost. His mouth said a lot of things about what he wanted to do with his life, but his body seemed to be paralyzed. I figured this out pretty early on and broke things off.

    Then his cousin called to tell me he was okay but that he’d been shot (wrong place, wrong time they say), and I dropped everything to take care of him. I convinced myself this was the catalyst for his change. It wasn’t. Almost a year later we broke up.

    Then there were other guys with other issues. Some of them frozen in fear from traumatic circumstances and others with kinks they were unwilling to iron out.

    Then I was twenty-nine, and I met this guy I told my roommate was “really great, but not gonna be my boyfriend.” He kept asking me out and he kept having nothing but positive qualities, so I found myself in love.

    And he loved every ounce of me. Suddenly I was wrapped up in a man who thought I was spectacular just as I was, and couldn’t help but tell me every chance he got.

    His unconditional acceptance allowed me to see that I had been busy trying to save men instead of saving myself.

    Only through the cloak of genuine love can we have the courage to face the darkest things about ourselves, things we’ve been hiding from our whole lives. And I was ready for it, so it all spilled right out.

    I saw that my whole life I had been trying to be someone instead of simply allowing myself to be.

    I realized that part of the reason I had been drawn to the men from my past was because helping them gave me a sense of control. I didn’t trust them to figure it out on their own; I didn’t trust myself to be with a man who was genuinely strong because I wasn’t yet.

    I was afraid of losing them and the feeling of worthiness they provided me, so I tried to control their lives and my own.

    I believed I could manipulate circumstances to create my happiness. And one day I woke up to the recognition that trying to control everything in my life hadn’t worked out very well for me, and, frankly, it was exhausting.

    It was simply much easier to accept things as they were; the burden was gone, the trying, the effort, the need for things to be different.

    I wasn’t nudged or asked to work on these things. I did it for myself. Because I needed to.

    So I think we need to stop asking each other to change. We need to embrace who it is we see in the moment and accept them as they are. If they can’t be in our lives in the way we’d like because of who they are in that moment, then we get to make the choice to move on.

    But we can’t force each other to change.

    Sticking around because we see potential, in turn, stifles ourselves.

    We spend so much energy trying to be okay with who we’re with instead of really being okay with them. And if we’re not okay with them as they are, then it’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to walk away.

    I had to walk away from the man who changed my life. Because I had loved and been loved so deeply, the loss of that relationship left me in a deep depression. For the first time in my life I didn’t really care about anything. But it turns out that letting go is one of the gorgeous gifts of life.

    I embraced love and truth and difficult feelings and no feelings at all. On the other side of letting go I was left in the residue of the truth of my humanity; I am always left with myself, and it’s myself that I must remain true to.

    When we desperately try to make something work that just isn’t working, we waste an immense amount of energy and create a lot of suffering.

    So, when we finally walk away we feel light (eventually). We realize we are full as we are and so we attract fullness. When we do this we’re allowing the highest love to come into our lives.

    Something Jim Rohn also says is this, “The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, ‘If you take care of me, I will take care of you.’ Now I say, ‘I will take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me.’”

    Each relationship I’ve had has become a part of me. The love still exists, and the pain transforms into love when we allow it. The difficult truth is that when someone is hiding in fear or suffering in pain or rejecting our love, we have to allow them to do that.

    We’re not here to fix each other or change each other. Sometimes the best choice is to let go and trust each of us to handle our own journey.

  • How to Heal from Heartbreak and Allow Love into Your Life

    How to Heal from Heartbreak and Allow Love into Your Life

    Open Up to Love

    “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Love terrifies me.

    After having loved, courted, and married the love of my life, things went sour. Over the course of a few years, our marriage crumbled and our relationship came to a sudden halt.

    When you’ve only been with one person, loved that person to the core, and believed that person to be your soul mate, you take the breakup unusually hard.

    Yes, tears. Yes, sorrow. Yes, seclusion. Yes, withdrawal. Yes, not wanting to get out of bed.

    I experienced every symptom of heartbreak to its bitter end. The breakup was like a tsunami in my calm life.

    Over these last couple years of healing, I’ve found it difficult to let down the walls protecting my heart and find the courage to trust someone new.

    I’ve had to actively take steps to overcome my fears of love.

    Here are six ways to remove the protective walls around your heart and permit love to bloom in your life.

    1. Make peace with the past.

    In order to move on from heartbreak, you have to be willing to let go of all that has happened. Yes, you shared a lot together. Yes, it all meant something. And yes, it was supposed to have lasted a lifetime.

    But things don’t always work out the way you want them to. You simply cannot control all the circumstances that unfold in your life.

    People make mistakes. Your ex may not have been mature yet, not fully conscious or developed as a person, or they didn’t know who they were at the time. They may not have had enough life experiences or enough emotional maturity.

    You cannot hold onto grudges, inequities, and resentment toward them because of what happened in the past. As difficult as you may find it, you have to let go and forgive.

    There are a couple of ways to do this: first, take responsibility for your part in the relationship; and second, try to empathize with your ex. Try to consider where they might have been at that point in their life, understand their shortcomings, and extend compassion toward them.

    To heal, go through the grieving process and try to let go of the past. Don’t let this movie continue to play in your mind like a scary horror flick. Imagine this relationship as a film you’ve already seen and don’t allow it to replay repeatedly in your mind, scarring you for life.

    Also, be grateful for the good times you shared and the lessons of the past relationship.

    2. Nurture and show yourself compassion.

    After you let go of the resentment and heartache, take care of yourself.

    It’s easy to beat yourself up and blame yourself for your shortcomings, faults, and your role in the breakup.

    You’re not perfect. But think about how much you’re growing and learning about yourself. No one else in the world other than this past intimate life partner could have helped you grow so much.

    Be grateful for the insights about yourself you’ve gained. Treat yourself in a healthy and positive way.

    Eat better. Get back to exercising. Go back to those yoga classes and meditation practices. Read books on healing and growth. Sleep more. Relax more. Allow for more downtime in your life.

    Treat yourself as well as you would treat someone you cared a great deal about.

    3. Share your pains and sorrow.

    A big mistake I made during my healing was isolating myself from everyone I knew. I was embarrassed and in pain.

    I’ve since found out that not sharing with others was a heavy and toxic behavior. Keeping it all in was too much to bear.

    I initially started seeing a counselor, then started sharing my experiences with acquaintances and colleagues at work. Over time, I eventually shared my pain with friends and family.

    The sooner you share with others, the easier you’ll find your journey back to healing.

    You’ll also find yourself being much more vulnerable than ever before. This can be scary, but you’ll soon find that all the falsities and insecurities about yourself will fall away.

    In the process of becoming vulnerable, you’ll start getting to your core, your real self. You’ll find that it’s in this honest place that your true power lies.

    People want to be there for you during this difficult time. Make space for them to do it.

    4. Seek love in other parts of your life.

    Even if you’re not ready for a romantic relationship right now, allow love to come in from other parts of your life.

    Spend more time with friends and people you genuinely care about and love.

    Pursue those hobbies that make your heart sing, and do those activities that make you feel good.

    Try to infuse as much of your day with love. Eliminate activities, people, and tasks that constrict your soul.

    Schedule loving and feel-good activities into your calendar. You’ll start noticing how your internal positive vibrations will spill over to external positive circumstances.

    The more love you cultivate in your life, the more love you’ll see around you.

    5. Sit with the beliefs that scare you.

    The way to deal with your fears of dating and loving again is to confront all the many negative beliefs that will pop up in your mind. There will be many of them.

    The opposite sex is no good. People will only hurt you. You were not made for love. You are unlovable. You don’t have the ability to love. You’re broken. Your past made you this way.

    If these misguided beliefs come up, acknowledge them and sit with them.

    Ask yourself if these beliefs are real or a result of past negative experiences. Do your beliefs apply to everyone? Have others been able to find love and compatible relationships?

    Are your beliefs based on truth or your deepest fears?

    Question your beliefs. Challenge them. Or simply sit with them and allow questions about these false beliefs to come up.

    By sitting with your fear-based beliefs and considering alternative ones, you’ll realize that your fears will have less power over you over time.

    If sitting is too passive of an exercise for you, test your beliefs with friends who have had positive experiences with love and relationships. Permit them to help you shift your beliefs and perspectives on love.

    6. Continue practicing small acts of courage in opening your heart.

    To love again and open up again is a challenge after a heart-crushing breakup. When your heart has been ripped out and your broken relationship feels like shattered glass, it’s hard to trust again.

    It’s hard to believe again. It’s hard to open up yourself again.

    It can’t be done overnight but it can be done through small steps and over time.

    It can start by saying “hello” to the next person who greets you.

    It can mean returning a smile.

    It can mean saying “yes” to coffee and not filling up your mind with dozens of reasons why coffee with this person is a bad idea.

    It can mean saying “yes” to a blind date.

    And it means saying “yes” to someone who wants to introduce you to someone who they think is a great match for you.

    Take tiny steps of saying “yes” when your heart screams “no.”

    You might believe that no amount of pleasure or happiness is worth the pain and suffering you’ve endured. You can’t afford the emotional, psychological, and mental games another ruined relationship is going to bring your way.

    I get it. I’ve been there and wallowed in that place for a long time. Ultimately, I realized we have only two choices: be a prisoner of our heartbreak or break free and chose to re-write our story on love.

    Love is possible if you make a choice to do the work to open up your heart again. You’ve come a long way. You’re more knowledgeable about yourself, smarter about relationships, more savvy about love, and better able to handle changes.

    Your heart can break open into a satisfying and fulfilling relationship. Past darkness can open up to the most brilliant light.

    Open your heart to the possibilities of new beginnings and more joy.

    Man at heart window image via Shutterstock

  • The Art of Reflection: Feel Your Way to a Happier Life

    The Art of Reflection: Feel Your Way to a Happier Life

    Contemplation

    “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.” ~Steve Jobs

    One of the best ways I’ve found to develop wisdom is through reflection. While reflection might look like a quiet session of daydreaming, it’s actually an active process during which you enrich your life and encourage personal growth by reviewing parts of your day or your life.

    It was January 2001 and I was sitting in New York’s La Guardia airport waiting for my flight to Atlanta. I had moved to New York to attend a graduate program there, and in spite of doing well academically, I withdrew after one semester.

    I questioned my career path. I felt lost and deflated. Now what? I didn’t know what I wanted. Or did I? I figured what I was supposed to do now was just move back to Atlanta, where I lived previously.

    What I didn’t know back then was how to be present, listen to my inner voice, and ultimately how to reflect in order to learn.

    That day at La Guardia, every cell in my body was telling me that New York wasn’t finished with me yet. I still had some things to do and people to meet. I loved the energy of the city.

    That being said, I didn’t know how to deal with the voice in my head that was telling me all about the “shoulds.” You should move back to Atlanta. Your stuff is still in storage there. It’s expensive in New York.

    I couldn’t logically explain what I was feeling. I just felt like it wasn’t time yet to move back to Atlanta.

    While sitting at the gate, I called my friend, Helen. “I don’t want to get on the plane.” What? What do you mean? “I just don’t want to go back yet.”

    After Helen respectfully listened, I called another friend, Prema.

    Prema answered. “I don’t want to get on the plane.” What?

    Granted, I had already said my goodbyes with my grad school New York friends.

    Ultimately, I got on the plane that day because I though I had to in spite of what I was feeling…only to return to New York two weeks later, when an awesome rent-controlled apartment in the West Village seemed to fall in my lap, and I somehow landed a coveted position, which led to many great opportunities in my career.

    My pattern of not listening to my inner voice continued for years until I began to make a conscious effort to trust my intuition, reflect, and learn from my experiences. My patterns of not trusting myself showed up with my relationships, jobs, school programs, and apparently, moves.

    Looking back, I know the reason I was indecisive was because I did not trust my gut and pay attention to what I was feeling. I made fear-based decisions. After some practice with reflection, I now realize that my inner voice does always know.

    What I’ve learned is that while our busy lives can make it seem difficult to reflect on our experiences, taking some time for self-reflection is necessary if we are to learn and grow.

    Reflection helps us to build upon the successful moments and break free from the self-doubt that holds us back from embracing our true dreams and living a fulfilling life.

    I think it’s important to be clear that I am not talking about reliving negative experiences of the past. Dwelling in the past is just as unproductive and unhealthy as stressing about the future.

    We can’t change the past. What we can do, though, is use self-compassion to reflect on and learn from what is happening right now.

    This is what helps us to embrace a vibrant life and allows our spirit to flourish.

    The following tips will help you to learn how to listen to your inner voice while you practice reflection so that you can learn and move forward.

    Carve out some solo time for your sessions of self-reflection.

    By definition, self-reflection is a solitary process. Typically, you will want to choose a time and place for reflection that is quiet and where you can be alone with your thoughts.

    You can make this part of your daily or weekly habits. This quiet time will help you to be able to center your thoughts without interruption, and make it easier for you to “hear” your inner voice.

    Listen to your inner voice.

    Many people find it helpful to sit down somewhere that it is quiet and write down their thoughts and feelings when they are reflecting. If writing is an activity that you enjoy, by all means keep a journal or diary to record your inner discoveries.

    Others find it easier to hear their inner voice and consider their past as they go for a long walk, or as they practice meditation. I like to sit or walk in nature. There is no “right” or “wrong” way. Select the space that helps you to best feel relaxed and calm as you look back on your past.

    Let your mind float.

    Set your thoughts free. You don’t necessarily have to try to direct them to a specific event or time. Your subconscious knows where it wants to take you.

    Tune in to what it’s showing you. Can you see something or hear a voice? Is it bringing you a feeling? Let it sit with you in peace for a while.

    The message will come when it’s ready and often it’s a real “aha” moment. Other times it’s a gentle nudge in a new direction.

    Trust yourself.

    We are very used to giving people reasons—evidence—for our choices and decisions, so basing your actions on something that can be as unquantifiable as reflection may initially make you nervous.

    The beauty of reflection is that it won’t steer you wrong. It gives you perhaps the most honest and clear guidance you will ever have.

    Reflect even when there seems to be nothing to reflect on.

    Don’t be tempted to skip your reflection period because everything seems to be going well for you. Use the time to let go of any stresses and worries that are hiding in you.

    Look for the positives and seek the keys to help you become the person you want to be. Sit in peace and think about life, love, and all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for. Personal growth springs out of silence just as often as it does from experience.

    With practice, your confidence in your abilities will grow and your self-esteem and spirit will soar. You will come to love the quiet moments of reflection that you have given yourself.

    By looking back we can sometimes make sense of life, and as Steve Jobs put it, connect the dots to our future.

    Often the ability to grow as individuals is tied to the understanding of the context of our lives. Personal reflection is a powerful and liberating experience that can smooth out life’s bumps, boost our happiness, and help us become the people we want to be.

    Contemplation image via Shutterstock

  • Lessons from a TV Detox: Stop Watching and Start Doing

    Lessons from a TV Detox: Stop Watching and Start Doing

    Man Watching TV

    “Action may not always bring happiness but there is no happiness without action.” ~Benjamin Disraeli

    Back when I was a ballroom dance instructor, I never watched TV. This was because online streaming wasn’t yet available, and I worked Monday through Friday from 1pm-10pm.

    But over the past couple of years (and in a new career as a solo-preneur), it’s become way too easy to watch TV episodes on my computer. My one or two favorite shows a week turned into binge watching other recommended series.

    It all started out innocently enough. I enjoyed it as a way to unwind. But it slowly turned into an avoidance tactic.

    When I didn’t want to deal with the mounting laundry, or all the papers to file in my office, or those emails that had me cringing, I escaped into another TV show episode. It was great. I could get swept away into someone else’s drama for hours.

    But when I spent an entire weekend in bed streaming movies and shows for thirty-plus hours, I knew something had to change. Moreover, I knew I was going to have to do it myself. It wasn’t like I was addicted to drugs or alcohol. No one was going to have a TV show intervention with me.

    I decided to put myself on a twenty-one day TV show detox.

    Here is what I learned:

    1. To be more spontaneous.

    Before the detox, it felt like I needed time to completely turn my brain off. I needed time to shut it all down.

    Yet, when I no longer had TV shows to use as an escape, I realized that “need” was a story I was telling myself. I didn’t really need to turn off my brain. Rather, my ego had convinced me that it was important.

    What blossomed as a result was the ability to say yes to last minute adventures with friends. I had more time in my day because I hadn’t wasted it escaping into TV Shows. I learned that it wasn’t downtime I needed; it was creative time. Adding more fun and play in my life, felt great.

    Action: If you too have declined last minute offers to stay at home and watch TV, ask yourself: Is it because the activity is truly not your idea of fun? Or, is it because you’re living in another story? Perhaps it’s the “I’m too tired” story, or, “I need to turn off my brain” story. Acknowledging the fact that it is a story is the first step toward change.

    2. To choose activities that fed my soul.

    Usually after watching an episode or two, my negative self-talk voice would start saying things like, “You’re such a slacker. Look how much time you’re wasting, again! You are so unreliable. How can you help anyone, look at yourself?”

    It wasn’t until I banned TV that I realized how much my negative self-talk relied upon my all-consuming TV habit as its trigger, and why it was so negative—I was yearning for activities that fed my soul.

    Of course, I still allowed myself downtime during the detox, but I chose activities that allowed me to relax without checking out mentally, like reading or connecting with friends.

    Action: Instead of choosing TV as a “downtime” activity, list three activities you can do that help you relax and feed your soul—things that recharge and rejuvenate you.

    3. To face my stuff immediately.

    I don’t know about you, but reading work emails can put me on edge. It’s hard not to take things personally. So, I used to avoid responding by escaping into a TV character’s drama. The character’s overwhelm was far more entertaining. Not to mention the fact that they always came out looking like the hero.

    Without TV, I had to learn how to handle the emotional overwhelm of email in the moment.

    Action: If you, too, use technology or entertainment to delay responding to things that make you feel upset or wonky, practice keeping a small notebook and pen with you. I wrote out all my intense emotions in the notebook. It was my outlet, and it allowed me to get to the core of the issue.

    Writing has the duel affect of being a great way to vent and to spark your creative mind. This helps you come up with a powerful solution that works for everyone. Experiment with it and share below in the comments what happens for you.

    4. To be more social.

    Since I no longer had my TV show “friends,” I was forced to face my loneliness. Being a solo-entrepreneur, I don’t get a lot of social interaction with others unless I specifically plan it.

    So, I joined more meet-up events and met new people. I also scheduled phone dates with friends and I hung out with my family more. It felt good and surprisingly I became more inspired in my work.

    Action: Instead of sitting in front of a screen, sign up to attend an event, or go to a class by yourself (not with your group of friends) and introduce yourself to five other people. Meeting new people can be a big step outside of our comfort zones. But it can also be incredibly rewarding. I’ve met some of my closest friends this way.

    5. To get healthier.

    The most fun result of my TV show detox was that I lost weight.

    I am single and often eat alone at night. So, I used to give myself permission to watch a show while I ate dinner. The problem with this was that I would eat for forty-five minutes instead of the twenty minutes it took me to finish my plate. I would keep munching on things (that bag of chips or those pieces of chocolate) until the show was over.

    Action: Instead of eating and watching TV or eating and doing work, create three dinner dates for yourself this week. (They can be dates with yourself.) Put on your favorite music and take the time to enjoy tasting your food. Or, invite a friend over and prepare a meal together. When you pamper yourself this way, your body naturally relaxes.

    6. To stop distracting myself.

    My TV detox was not a perfect path. I still had low-energy, and overwhelming days. There were nights where I desperately wanted to curl up in my bed and watch a movie. There were also times that I caught myself distracting myself in other ways, by listening to audio books, for example.

    When I felt this way, I realized that what I really wanted was a hug and for someone else to hold me up for a while. So, I created a list of healthy, self-loving activities and I did them instead; for example, taking a hot shower or painting my toenails. By the time I was done, I had my energy back.

    Action: Create a list of twenty-five self-loving activities and post them somewhere that is highly visible. When your energy is low you don’t want to have to go fishing for the list. Instead of disappearing into your low energy by watching a TV show, you release the draining energy and feel even better for showering yourself with love.

    —

    Deciding to put myself on a twenty-one day TV show detox was not the easy choice. It meant facing a bad habit and exploring all the affects it had on my life. But I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to see where I was “hiding” in life and stop the patterns of playing small.

    Man watching TV image via Shutterstock

  • How to Change What You Feel and Believe About Yourself

    How to Change What You Feel and Believe About Yourself

    “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee

    A year ago, I began to accept that I was depressed, and had been for a long time. It was scary. I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost three years, quit my job, and though I didn’t want to, I moved halfway across the country to move back in with my parents.

    I was a wreck; all of the feelings that I had been suppressing for years, some literally since childhood, came flooding back. My only defense in the past had been to ignore these feelings, though I did so quite poorly and ended up being an emotional basket case most of the time anyway.

    After months of talking to my therapist and anyone who would listen, I finally began to heal. I started to find strength in myself, in my own thoughts, and was able to stop denying the truth that has always been inside of me. Now, when I get upset, I am able to accept it as a feeling, not as a truth; and I no longer have to run from my feelings.

    This is a process that I wrote out, but came from a combination of help from good friends, said former boyfriend, and of course, my wonderful therapist.

    1. Identify your feelings.

    Where in your body do you feel it? What does it feel like? What thoughts come up?

    These thoughts are what your mind is defining as your “truth.” You can redefine your truth. You may be thinking, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m weak,” “I’m broken,” or something similar.

    These are not feelings; these do not describe how you feel. They describe what you think you are, your false “truth.”

    Change “I am” to “I feel” when these “truths” come up.

    When you hear, “I’m broken,” replace it with, “I feel broken.”

    My personal false “truth” was, and sometimes still is, “I am incapable.” When changed to “I feel incapable,” I really notice the difference in emphasis.

    I used to truly believe that I was incapable of a lot of things, usually relating to work or school. “I feel incapable” is a statement of the negativity that my mind was stuck in, a false belief, not a “truth” about myself.

    Now that you’ve recognized you aren’t this thing—you only feel this way—dig deeper. Ask yourself why you feel this way; what’s behind the feelings?

    2. Accept your feelings.

    Repeat them to yourself. Don’t judge them; just feel them.

    If you feel like crying, let yourself cry. If you have tension, sit with that tension; breathe it in and breathe it out.

    I felt incapable because I had performed poorly in jobs before, and I used this as evidence that I truly was incapable of doing better.

    This acceptance hurts, but it ultimately brings us peace by releasing the negativity that we are holding onto.

    3. Replace your old truths with new ones. Back them up with reasoning, and trust that this is the real truth.

    For example, you might change “I feel that I’m not good enough” to “I am good enough. I am having a hard time because… and I accept that. I am working on these issues to become even stronger.”

    By accepting that I felt incapable because of the past, I could now remember the good things that happened at work—the projects I was proud of, the people who I had helped, the difference I made.

    4. Repeat the new “truth” back to yourself.

    Notice what feelings come up and compare them to the feelings that came up from step two.

    Which feels better to you? Which sounds more true to you now?

    The intent of going through these steps is to examine these “truths.” In your gut, you know the real truth.

    You may feel a sense of relief after doing this once. You may not feel much different at all. But if you trust your intuition, the new “truth” will become the new voice in your head, after going through the steps more times.

    I knew on a deeper level that I was actually capable of doing a good job at work, a job I could be proud of. The negative “truth” hid what I really know I am capable of.

    5. Do something constructive with these good thoughts.

    Write. Make art. Make music. Dance. Exercise; do something physical.

    Do something that expresses how you feel now, that solidifies in your body as well as your mind what your “truth” really is, and how good you deserve to feel about yourself, no matter what unpleasant circumstances you may be going through.

    Our bodies contain memories that we don’t consciously know of. Doing something active with these new ideas and feelings will bring positive body associations.

    I find journaling and yoga to be very healing. I sit and give myself time to really think and feel instead of never questioning the false “truth” that I sometimes carry around with me. I write that out. And I reinforce the new truth when I am going through the movements in yoga poses. My body remembers that feeling.

    —

    Each time the old “truth” comes up, go through these steps. Your brain currently has a habit of jumping from a negative feeling to a false truth in your consciousness as a single thought. Sometimes these thoughts are also subconscious, as they were for me, because you’ve ignored them for so long as your mind tried to shield you from the pain of admitting negative feelings.

    “I am incapable” actually led me to feel so poorly about myself that I really did perform inconsistently at work. Once I started to dismantle it, I was able to start fresh and not let the subconscious “truth” fester and keep me from being productive.

    Even better than waiting for these thoughts to come up, practice this daily. Soon, you’ll change the habit of clinging to false truths so to the positive, real truth becomes your first thought.

    Instead of the old thoughts festering, these new thoughts are mindful, and they creative positive energy, which will continue to build.

    If you still can’t get yourself to really feel that this new truth is reality, just try to trust it. Trusting it is trusting yourself. And once the habit forms, it starts to feel like the truth.

  • How to Find Peace and Balance When Dealing with Change

    How to Find Peace and Balance When Dealing with Change

    “Change is the only constant.” ~Heraclitus

    Have you ever noticed how many transitions we go through all day?

    The transition from waking up to getting out of bed, from PJs (or au natural) to clothes, from red light to green light, from inhale to exhale. Every waking moment is a transition.

    Why, then, are we, as humans, so uncomfortable with change?

    We want everything to stay the same, but at the same time, crave variety. We grasp so tightly to how we think things should be (did she not hear that I wanted extra foam on my latte?) and, simultaneously, admire and want innovation.

    We are walking transitions. We chase the next thing, trying to fill this underlying void of “not enough.” We so desperately grasp at everything to stay the same, and when change comes, we are scared.

    Fear exists with change. When we can accept that fear is there, though, we can also ask at the same time “What do I have to do to get to where I need to be? How do I create the life I want?”

    If change is the only thing we can count on as guaranteed, the question presents itself: How can we use it to our advantage to grow, transform, and evolve?

    One major lesson I’ve learned through the experience of going from the severe imbalance of Stage IV cancer at age twenty-nine, to feeling an ongoing (yet fluid) state of balance, not only in body but also mind and spirit, is that taking care of ourselves in the midst of change is as crucial to our health as breathing.

    Cancer, or any other life-threatening illness, leaves its survivors different. The entire experience is life-altering change and an extraordinary opportunity to find healing.

    While there is not a cure for every disease out there, everyone can find healing. Whether survivor or not, we can nurture ourselves through any change at the soul level by asking the following five questions.

    1. What am I feeding the mind?

    By becoming aware of what we tell our body, and choosing nourishing thoughts and food and granting it stillness, we can sustain any change that may arise. And then, truly, whatever arises in life becomes the right material for our growth and the growth of those around us, as Marcus Aurelius said.

    2. How can I find balance in every part of my life?

    When I would have a jam-packed go-go-go day as a headhunter in the corporate world, my transition strategy to “calm down and balance out” was to do a fast-paced sweaty vinyasa class.

    Yet, I’d get out of yoga and someone would cut me off and I’d blow up, yell something, and (maybe) flip the bird! Where is the zen in that?!

    I did not realize at that point in my life that the antidote to the stress of my day job would’ve been a balanced yoga flow or, even a slower, gentle yin class. Balancing out our lives in each area is necessary.

    3. Am I following my desires?

    This is an area that our souls long for, but most of us experience resistance. The ego, driven to survive, is always telling us that what we truly want is not something we should go after for whatever reason, usually the money. But the money is not the core reason. When we really want something, we find ways to get it.

    Danielle LaPorte says that we’re not chasing a goal, we’re chasing a feeling we think the goal will give us. In knowing this, we can get in touch with our core desired feelings. I thought for so long that the anxiety is what drove me to get what I want. But our core desired feelings are our true navigator and anxiety is just a “witless liar,” as Martha Beck says.

    4. Are the people I am surrounded by bringing me light?

    Being around people who uplift and support us makes us uplifting and supporting.

    When I was going through my cancer healing program, I had only about three hours where I had energy to engage with people. The rest of the time, I would be extremely fatigued and exhausted.

    I found that when I was around others who were negative or complained, the three hour block of energy turned into one. It literally sucked the vitality and life out of me, making a life-altering situation that much more difficult. Choosing to surround ourselves with life-giving, uplifting people feeds and heals the soul.

    5. Do I spend time every day in stillness?

    I would skip stillness, thinking, I’ll just pray as I send emails. (Yes, I was this crazy). Then I would get so burnt out, sick of working, and indulge in junk food and alcohol to make myself feel better.

    These days, when I feel the tension coming, I stop, breathe deeply, and stay still (for at least five minutes). Each and every time, I feel clearer, and am much more productive than when I’d push through. Stillness is the consistent anchor to sustain any kind of change life can throw at you.

    —

    This is the paradox of transition—that although we are always changing (in circumstance around us, in emotion, even our cells are constantly regenerating), who we really are never changes. Who we are houses the divine and this powerful universal energy, which is a place we can call upon at any time. It is home.

  • Don’t Try to Become the Best, Be Your Best Right Now

    Don’t Try to Become the Best, Be Your Best Right Now

    Victory

    “Do the best you can, from where you are, with what you have, now.” ~African-American proverb

    When I first started on my spiritual path, I desperately wanted to live in a more connected and satisfying way. I had a secret longing to know who I truly was and to finally reach my creative potential—not only as a writer, but also as a person. My intention was to express mastery through spirituality.

    At the time, this made perfect sense. Spirituality, for me, was connecting to the creative part of myself—that invisible, powerful place where anything is possible.

    A place where dreams are forged and destinies are realized. A place of poetic genius and inspiration. A place where masters live and breathe.

    But back then, I didn’t understand that when we embark on this journey, we tend to use what we know—which is almost always ego-based. And the ego can’t get us to where we need to go.

    This is because ego has way too much baggage. It weighs us down with things like fear, doubt, self-criticism, and anger. And yet, so many of us try the ego-based route first, as I did.

    I egotistically believed that mastery was about pounding on my craft, practicing it with unrelenting determination and will. I made it more about me. It became an intellectual exercise.

    I thought it was something that could be forced, conquered even. My motivation was all about achieving the goal—period!

    It didn’t take me long to encounter the inevitable setbacks, shortcomings, and failures that come with this kind of thinking. And when I failed to express the master inside of me, I was extremely hard on myself.

    The whole thing made me feel inadequate. The more I tried to force the master out, the less I felt like one. To make matters worse, all my teachers were still going on about “expressing mastery” and how easy it was.

    It was about then that I stepped back and took a hard look at what mastery really meant to me—to my aspirations and to my life. I realized that this ego-based perspective had been creating limiting beliefs and habits that kept me stuck.

    I feared my uncertain future and began to doubt my abilities. I allowed regret for past mistakes to overwhelm me and to crush my sense of self-worth. I even envied others for the rapid strides they seemed to be enjoying.

    This ego-driven, high-octane way wasn’t the answer, at least, not for me.

    So I decided to look at mastery in a different way—a healthier way.

    Granted, I’m still not always successful, but I believe I have a better approach to it nowadays.

    I’ve come to believe that mastery shouldn’t be about “being the best” or “knowing everything” or “flawlessness”—quite the opposite, in fact. Mastery is about the process of becoming, not the act of having become.

    When mastery becomes ego-driven (as it did for me), we set ourselves up for failure. No only because the ego weighs us down, but because it always tries to win.

    But, when your purpose is to live your best life, there is no winning or losing. No goal, no endgame.

    There is only you being your best—at that moment, whatever that means to you.

    This was immensely liberating. Imagine living your life from where you happen to be right now. To never again beat yourself up for not attaining some imagined goal suggested by somebody else.

    I now understand that my spiritual development can’t be measured by my achievements, or lack thereof. The only yardstick is my own level of awareness and how I feel.

    My new spiritual perspective and outlook on mastery has transformed me. It means that I can better appreciate who and what I am right now—which is a beautiful, ongoing process of discovery and growth.

    Paradoxically, the less I measure, the more I end up growing, as a person and as a writer.

    My goals have become more internalized, less tangible. They are also smaller, but no less important. They are about staying mindful and aware, without applying any judgments or criticisms to what is happening.

    In this way, I’ve stopped trying to express mastery. Instead I work towards being a master of who I am in this instant—knowing that I am, right now, a perfect expression of me.

    If you are feeling blocked or stuck, consider the possibility that your ego and your desire to master your life could be the very thing that is preventing you from getting to where you wish to be.

    Instead of trying to force your dreams with an iron will and steadfast determination, try a gentler touch. Stay fully present and aware. Simply give this moment your very best.

    Don’t worry about what you think you should be doing and where you should be going. Just be in the process of being you—right here, right now.

    And ironically, by not seeking mastery, mastery will find you.

    Reaching man image via Shutterstock

  • When You Don’t Know What You Want Anymore

    When You Don’t Know What You Want Anymore

    Man Thinking

    “We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself.” ~Lloyd Alexander

    There was a time when I looked at the world without hope. My future felt dark because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

    I felt like I was a random player in a chaotic game. I didn’t like it, and I didn’t like life.

    Luckily, I stumbled onto resources, ideas, and practices that helped me reconnect to my wisdom, my heart, and my interests.

    I applied what I learned, and clarity emerged.

    I’ll share what happened and how I gained clarity, but in order to do that, let’s start at the beginning.

    The Problem

    The problem wasn’t that I didnt know what I wanted to do. It was thinking that I should know what I want.

    When I think I should know, I put pressure on myself. I feel stressed out, and I feel like I’m not good enough because I haven’t got life figured out.

    When I accept the present moment as it is, it frees up a tremendous amount of energy. When I stop resisting, I can start living.

    When I look back at the darkest moments in my life, not only do I see their purpose, but I also see that, deep down, I always knew what step to take next.

    But at the time I couldn’t see this because my vision was clouded by my fears.

    The Solution

    The solution was to see through what held me back from connecting to my heart, and to my desires.

    I did this by becoming mindful of how I was letting my fears dictate my life. I began to deliberately challenge my fears by taking action.

    I took tiny steps forward. I listened to my heart as best as I could.

    Instead of shrinking away from my fears, I wondered, “What would happen if I took a step forward anyway?”

    By doing this, I discovered that most of my fears were false. They weren’t real. They didn’t come to pass, even though it felt like they would.

    I realized that acting on what I was interested in right now was enough to start the ball rolling. With time, I could sense what was right for me.

    Today, I feel like I have cat whiskers on my body, and I navigate through feeling.

    Our desires can never be put out. They can be dampened and dismissed, but never extinguished.

    3 Steps to Uncovering What You Want

    So the question then becomes: How do we reconnect to our desires?

    Well, I’m not going to tell you what to do, because there’s no real formula. And I’m not the expert on you. You are.

    So what I’m going to do is share a few examples from my life. That way, you can pick what resonates with you and apply it to your life.

    Don’t take what I say for granted. Instead, test it out.

    1. Become quiet.

    Whenever I feel confused and don’t know what to do, I take it as a sign to calm down. During those times, I notice that my mind is speeding along, trying to figure everything out.

    I often lie down on my bed and just breathe. Sometimes I take a walk, and sometimes I watch a movie.

    I don’t have a set routine. I listen to my heart. I notice what I feel pulled to do. I trust my body and my inner wisdom to know what is right for me at that moment.

    But there are times when I don’t know what’s right. I just feel confused. When that happens, I become quiet and I focus my attention on my heart area.

    My mind often tries to pull me back up, but I gently re-focus on my heart.

    I ask my heart: What is important right now? And I wait. I don’t always get an answer, but I try to listen every day.

    I’ve noticed that whenever I’m stressed, it’s not because life is stressful; it’s because I’m entertaining stressful thoughts.

    Becoming quiet and reconnecting to my heart helps, especially when I don’t know what to do.

    2. Explore through writing.

    Something else that I’ve found immensely useful is writing.

    I don’t use prompts. I don’t have a structure. I open up a notebook and start writing what’s on my mind.

    I clear my mind by dumping it all on paper. This seems to give me better access to my heart. So I begin by writing what’s on my mind, and I end up writing what’s in my heart.

    Some call this journaling. Some call it freewriting. Julia Cameron calls it writing your “Morning Pages.”

    The label isn’t important. What’s important is the result.

    After writing for ten to fifteen minutes, after getting all the craziness from my mind on paper, clarity emerges. I can feel my heart becoming warmer.

    I sometimes ask my heart questions. I don’t always get great answers, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m connecting to an intelligence greater than me. And who knows, maybe I am?

    The bottom line is that it works.

    3. Take micro steps.

    Once I reconnect to my heart, and clear some of the mind chatter, I begin asking myself: What tiny step can I take to reconnect with my desires?

    You may want to rephrase this question. If you do, make sure you keep the focus on ridiculously tiny steps.

    Sometimes the tiny step is to lie down. Relax and recharge. Stop trying to figure everything out. Stop stressing about the imagined future.

    Micro steps are not only useful in reconnecting with your desires. I use them in everything I do.

    The reason they work so well is that they bring you back to the present moment. Micro steps help you focus on what you can do with what you have.

    You can’t predict the future. You can’t control outcomes. But you can do the best you can, right here, right now. When this realization sinks in, you relax and life becomes brighter.

    —

    The biggest mistake I make over and over again, even though I know all this, is getting stuck in my own thinking.

    I notice my thinking trying to figure it all out. But all my thoughts are assumptions about life. They aren’t reality. Just thoughts.

    This doesn’t mean we should condemn thoughts. It means we need to take our thoughts less seriously.

    Because what if you let go of the story that you didn’t know what you want? You would simply enjoy what’s right here, right now. And if you felt drawn to do something, you’d do it.

    When I watch my son play, he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s completely in the present moment, enjoying life. He’s almost three years old as I write this, yet he’s showing me how to live and enjoy life.

    You see, I’ve noticed that I tend to take life too seriously. I take my thoughts, my fears, and my future seriously.

    Yet what I’ve realized is that I’m always experiencing my life through my thoughts. I don’t feel the outside world. I feel my thoughts.

    So when I help people find and follow their passion, even when they don’t know what they want, I discover that the spark never went out. It simply got obscured by their thinking.

    I’m not going to tell you to make a radical change in your life. I’m going to tell you to take the tiniest step, and to bring your attention back into this very moment.

    You only need to notice a tiny thing you enjoy doing, and follow it. This isn’t about picking the right thing.

    Right now, it’s about simply learning to follow your interests, and reconnecting to your heart and joy.

    Thinking man image via Shutterstock

  • Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

    Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

    “Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” ~Max Lucade 

    I used to do everything I could to avoid having conversations that could potentially be challenging or difficult—even resorting to lying or obfuscation if I really felt backed into a corner.

    I didn’t have a good template for what healthy conflict looked like, so every challenging conversation felt like a minefield where I could be attacked, blamed, or shamed at any moment.

    As I got older, and especially as I started dating and getting involved in longer-term relationships, I realized that conflict was actually an inevitable, even necessary, part of co-existing with someone else.

    And, rather than being fraught, defensive, and filled with attack, conflicts could actually be an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.

    Although I still feel anxiety around conflict and am still very much learning how to handle it in a healthy way, the number one shift that has had the biggest influence on how I show up in conflicts is my attitude toward them.

    When I went from avoiding challenging conversations and viewing them as “bad” to viewing them as an integral part of communication and necessary for a healthy relationship, I felt far less pressure to avoid them and started seeing how they actually could be helpful.

    Difficult conversations are a fact of life. As much as we might try to avoid them, there will inevitably be a time when we uncover a conflict of needs, values, or preferences in relation to someone else, and want to resolve that conflict.

    If you’re currently struggling with difficult conversations in your life, here are five things I’ve found helpful for turning conflicts into opportunities for connection.

    1. Have the conversation sooner rather than later.

    If you address the issue as soon as it comes up, you’re far more likely to have a productive, low-pressure conversation than if you wait until breaking point.

    Storing up our issues and grievances, and then unleashing them as a torrent on the other person (or waiting until the other person expresses an issue to share our own), is unfair and damages trust in the relationship.

    Whether we’re talking with a friend, partner, or colleague, we’re going to foster a greater sense of security in the relationship if we’re able to discuss things when they come up rather than wait until they become a crisis.

    2. Use “I messages.”

    A big shift in my own communication came when I started using “I messages” and expressing myself in terms of my own feelings, needs, and requests rather than focusing on what I thought the other person had done wrong.

    Instead of starting with “I want you to do this/stop doing this,” explain your feelings—for example, “When it’s your turn to take out the trash and you don’t do it, I feel frustrated.”

    Also, make requests based on your needs—for example, “It’s really important for me to feel trust and respect. A part of that is knowing that you’re going to do what you say you’re going to do. Would you be willing to think of some ways you can remind yourself?”

    When we use “I messages,” we stop blaming other people and demanding that they change. Instead, we are simply stating how we feel, what we need, and making requests based on that.

    3. Stick to the facts.

    Most misunderstandings we have with other people arise from the fact that we react to the meaning we attach to the facts rather than the facts themselves.

    If I ask my partner a question and he doesn’t respond, I can jump to all kinds of conclusions about why he is “ignoring me.” Is he angry with me? Does he think it was a stupid question? Doesn’t he care about what I have to say?

    When it comes to difficult conversations, it’s important to stick to the facts and respond to the facts only.

    It’s natural for our minds to want to fill in the gaps and create an entire story from a few puzzle pieces here and there. When we do this, however, the pieces we create aren’t necessarily true, and we run the risk of adding far more tension to the situation than it otherwise deserves.

    4. Be specific.

    When emotions rise, it’s easy to start using generalizations like “always” and “never.” When we tell someone that they “always do X” or “never do Y,” however, we’re more likely to push the other person further away than to heal the conflict.

    Using the example above, if I said, “You never take out the trash when it’s your turn,” the other person’s focus is likely to shift to defending themselves and pointing out all the times when they have indeed taken out the trash instead of listening to what I’m saying and focusing on a resolution.

    Very few people “always” or “never” behave in a certain way, so make sure you take a deep breath and check your language before saying something that could escalate the conversation.

    5. Empathize with the other person.

    Empathy—understanding what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes—is incredibly effective at diffusing tension and breaking down defenses. When we feel hurt, frustrated, or annoyed by something someone else has done, we can forget that they probably had very good reasons for doing (or not doing) what they did.

    Approaching the conversation from a place of wanting mutual understanding and empathy rather than merely wanting the other person to change their behavior raises the chance that the conversation will bring you closer together rather than push you further apart.

    —

    Difficult conversations may feel hard, but we can make them easier by following these steps and recognizing the opportunity for connection.

  • Creating Lasting Happiness and Filling the Void Within

    Creating Lasting Happiness and Filling the Void Within

    Happy Day

    “Happiness is not a goal. It’s a by-product of a life well lived.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    I don’t care what you do or what you become as long as you’re happy. Just be happy.

    This has been my mother’s well-intentioned maxim throughout my life. As much as it is an example of her unconditional love, it is also a pretty massive request if you think about it, and something I could not seem to be. Ultimately, I failed because I wasn’t happy.

    If she’d wanted me to be a brain surgeon, I could have given it a shot. I’d have known I had to study in particular subjects, gain qualifications, and be okay with looking at the insides of people’s heads. 

    There is no such clear-cut path to happiness. For me, “just being happy” was like trying to find a destination without a map or any idea of how long it was going to take. I was in a state of anxiety for years.

    I stumbled around, desperately chasing something that would make me happy. I wasn’t even sure what it was supposed to feel like. All I knew was that I felt pretty good when I took drugs, and I found passion in lots of boys.

    But nothing lasted, and I needed more and more to fill me up, forever chasing a high.

    I found complete oblivion in 2006, when I developed drug-induced psychosis. You know all those clichés about mad people who think they are Jesus reborn or that they can read your mind? Well, that was me. My mum said when they eventually found me, I smelled like cat food.

    So, after the episode subsided and the yearlong depression that followed lifted, I started researching what had happened to my brain and discovering what happiness means to me.

    For me, it’s not a buzz of excitement. That feeling is just getting what you think you want, and it never lasts. That’s not to say I now shy away from exciting experiences; I just appreciate that they are fleeting moments. And I’ve given up the obsessive chase. 

    Happiness as a By-product

    I am pretty sure happiness is a by-product of other things. Being kind, developing coping skills, persevering with the struggles of life, being grateful for what you have, being still, letting go of things out of your control, doing the next right thing.

    But the biggest discovery is that, for me, finding union with others is when I feel most spiritually awake, because we’re all alone in our heads. Emotionally identifying with another human being is when I feel happiest.

    Instead of chasing happiness in things and achievements, identify what choices make you feel good and good about yourself—and then commit to making those choices regularly.

    You Don’t Have to Renounce Material Things

    For a while I misunderstood the Buddhist idea of renunciation. I thought that in order to be free from suffering, I had to give up the superficial causes of suffering: spending money, sex, alcohol, and looking at myself in the mirror for too long.

    But the thing is, I am a sensory creature in a world full of beautiful things; why not enjoy it? These things in themselves are not bad; it’s the ideas we place on them and the attachments we have that cause the problems.

    If you expect that getting your dream job is going to fill the emptiness inside you, you’re going to run into problems sooner or later.

    Enjoy the material things, but remember that enduring happiness comes from those choices you identified before.

    Letting Go

    A lot of my discontent was due to my inability to let things go, whether that was feelings of rejection in my past or worrying about rejection happening in the future. I used to hate the phrase “let it go.” Okay, so how do you do that then? What do you do to let something go?

    What I’ve learned over the last few years is that letting go, more often than not, means doing nothing. And doing nothing is as much a choice as screaming and shouting.

    Doing nothing gives you space between how you feel and your next positive action. Living in that space means that I am no longer a slave to my emotions, or more accurately, I’m no longer scared to feel them.

    I can notice the feeling, label it, and see it for what it is—a dent to my pride, a knock to my self-esteem. And rather than immediately trying to get rid of it by blaming someone else, self-flagellating, seeking revenge, or anesthetizing with drugs, I have faith that it will go.

    No matter what we’re feeling, it always passes if we let it. So, enjoy happiness while it’s here, and know that if it’s not, so long as you’re making positive choices, it will be back again.

    Happy day image via Shutterstock

  • How to Set Strong Boundaries and Overcome The Need to Say “Yes”

    How to Set Strong Boundaries and Overcome The Need to Say “Yes”

    “We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” ~Sogyal Rinpoche

    Just a few short years ago, I would have relished in being called a “yes person.”

    I loved that label. I thought it made me approachable, helpful, and charitable, and I loved being “top of mind” for so many people and wonderful opportunities.

    Big project at work? I was there. A shoulder to cry on? You bet. A shopping buddy? Sure, I’m available! An exercise partner, a counselor, an interior designer, a cook, a cleaner, a proofreader, a tour guide—I was the go-to girl for anything and everything.

    And for a very long time, I said a big, resounding “yes, please!” to all of it.

    Yes to the design work, yes to the extra projects, yes to the friends who needed me. I was an advice-giver, a support network, a teacher, a healer.

    But during the throes of helping what seemed like a million different people, my “yes person” mentality started to drain me—and rapidly at that.

    Sure enough, I was helping everyone but myself.

    It was only when I started to read spiritual texts and personal development websites that I began to realize how exhausted I actually was. And worse, that it was most likely my need to say “yes” all the time (a trait I had previously cherished), that was burning me out.

    Here I was saying “yes” to every offer, invitation, and request under the sun, yet I’d wind up sick, alone, and hacking my lungs out more often than I’d like to admit.

    I knew I had to overcome my incessant need to say “yes” all the time and start prioritizing self-care, so I went about setting strong boundaries for myself to start restoring my energy.

    Below are the steps I took to set my strong boundaries and overcome my need to say “yes” all the time.

    1. Speak up.

    I knew I had to start small, so I gradually began to let people know how depleted I was feeling.

    As it turned out, people weren’t annoyed at me for talking about how tired I was; in fact, they supported me and encouraged me to take time out and rest. It gave me the confidence I needed to start saying “no” once in a while. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I was speaking out; it was a sign of strength.

    Another good reason to start speaking up about your fatigue, particularly if you’re a “yes” person, is to pre-emptively ward off peoples’ requests. When I authentically talked about how tired or busy I was, I found that people didn’t call on me as much as they used to, because they were already aware of how I burnt out I was feeling.

    2. Make self-care non-negotiable.

    You know that big meeting at work you literally can’t miss? Or the way you lock in the weekly screening of your favorite TV show? Make your self-care routine as rigid as that—make it non-negotiable.

    When you start making self-care a priority (and enact strong boundaries around your routine), you’re able to fill your cup more fully, and work on being as healthy and happy as possible.

    Here are some examples from my self-care routine:

    •  I schedule a massage once a month, and I make sure I budget for it in advance, too.
    • I turn off all technology by 9:30pm. Not only do I sleep better for it, but also I find that I’m reading more books instead of just mindlessly scrolling on yet another social media site.
    • I now only check my email twice a day; I find I’m less overwhelmed from implementing this practice and am no longer a slave to my inbox.
    • I move my body every day. Whether it’s a work out at the gym, a few stretches in my hotel room, or a long walk if I’m on the road, moving my body every day is an essential part of my self-care routine and helps keep my energy levels high.
    • I eat vegetables at every meal—a green smoothie or juice with breakfast, a big salad at lunch, and a huge serving of vegetables at dinner. Vegetables (in particular, green vegetables) are my must-have staple item. They keep my head clear and my body energized.
    • I forgo my morning routine if necessary. Some days, a full-on morning routine calls me, but when I genuinely need to sleep in and recover, I surrender and give myself permission to do so. It’s about knowing the difference between “laziness” and genuine “rest.” One feels icky (laziness) and one feels like relief (rest).

    After enacting these strong boundaries around my self-care and energy use, my health started to return to its optimum state. It was only then that I was able to start saying “yes” again—but this time, only to projects and people that really lit me up.

    3. Hold strong when others test your boundaries.

    Even now after having rock-solid boundaries for years, others test them. I have to consciously remind myself to hold strong.

    When others test your boundaries, choose to think of it as your chance to prove to the universe that you can keep your own promises.

    For example, if you’re the kind of person who needs sunshine but you work in an office where nobody takes their lunch break, stick to your guns.

    If people shake their heads every time you head out to get your Vitamin D hit, stick to your boundaries and hold your ground—explain to your boss why you need to get out of the office or even draw their attention to the working hours policy in your area. Better yet, use your work to prove that your productivity is higher due to your lunch breaks!

    When you use strategies to help you say “no,” sticking to your boundaries when others test them makes the whole process a lot easier.

    4. Learn how to say “no.”

    Perhaps the hardest lesson when you’re setting strong boundaries is learning how to say “no.” After all, when you’ve been a “yes person” your whole life, it can be very difficult to turn that habit around, but it’s important to master if you want to have strong boundaries.

    Here are some strategies to help you say no:

    • Practice saying it in a mirror.
    • Have some polite, pre-scripted text messages and emails on hand so you you’re not stuck trying to find the words to say “no.”
    • Try saying “not right now” instead of a flat out “no.” (Often, the request will disappear!)
    • Let your friends and family know that you need some space (pre-empt the need for them to call on you).

    Saying no can be difficult—by nature, we humans want to be helpful and kind—but ultimately, you need to be helpful and kind to yourself, first and foremost. And saying “no” does get easier with practice, I promise.

  • 6 Surprising Tips for Overcoming Exhaustion

    6 Surprising Tips for Overcoming Exhaustion

    Sleeping Man

    “We are so used to working that not working is the new hard work.” ~Mokokoma Mokhonoana

    You know that feeling just as something bad is happening that you can’t control, when your stomach does a backflip, lurches up into your throat, and then drops into your toes?

    I experienced it one day snapping back to full consciousness as my car glided off the left shoulder of the freeway and spun in a full 360-degree circle on the gravel.

    I’d logged a very busy week at work, been to a music group practice, done some freelance editing, and gone for a few runs in preparation for a marathon. Now I was headed to a weekend event with my spiritual community.

    There I was, zipping down the freeway in the fast lane on a crisp and sunny fall morning. I felt drowsy, so I flipped on the car radio to keep myself alert.

    In retrospect, I should have also sung along at the top of my lungs. Or, you know, pulled off the road to rest. But I didn’t want to be late for the start of the gathering.

    The last thing I remember thinking was “There aren’t any cars close by. I’ll just close my eyes for a second or two.”

    Superhero Syndrome

    Ever been so exhausted you can’t think straight?

    Do any of these sound familiar?

    • “There’s too much to do—I can’t afford to stop and rest.”
    • “I can’t ask for help—I’m the only one who will make sure this gets done right.”
    • “I have to finish this. [Person or group] is depending on me.”

    Thoughts like these have become frighteningly common. We think we need to do it all, so we push ourselves way past our limits. I call this “Superhero Syndrome.”

    And it’s not just unhealthy. It’s downright dangerous.

    Excessive fatigue is epidemic in our society. According to a 2011 National Sleep Foundation poll, close to half of Americans between thirteen and sixty-four say they rarely or never get a good night’s sleep during the work week.

    Exhaustion can lead to all sorts of problems, from impaired performance, poor immune system function, and increased risk of obesity to stroke, diabetes, and heart disease.

    Not to mention car accidents.

    The first step in avoiding exhaustion—as with most problems—is self-awareness. You need to check in with yourself regularly to see if you’re overdoing it.

    The second step is figuring out what to do about it if you are.

    The standard advice is true: If you’re overtired, stop what you’re doing and rest or sleep.

    Draw firm boundaries around your time and energy by learning to say no to people, things—and sometimes yourself.

    Practice good sleep hygiene and try to get a full night’s sleep every night.

    But there are times when, despite our best intentions, we don’t—or can’t—do these things. What then?

    6 Surprising Tips for Overcoming Exhaustion

    1. Ditch the traditional nightly sleep cycle.

    If a straight eight hours doesn’t do it for you, consider this: some researchers suspect we’re not wired for it anyway. They say that prehistoric humans slept for about four hours, woke up for a while, and went back to sleep again until dawn.

    Others have noted different sleep patterns across cultures, from the midday siesta to countries where multiple naps are the norm.

    Experiment and see if changing up your sleep periods makes a difference.

    2. Do the opposite of whatever you’ve been doing.

    If you’ve been pushing yourself physically, it’s no surprise that you should stop and rest or take a nap, or go to bed early.

    But if you’ve been pushing yourself mentally, go do something physical. Take a walk, do some stretching, or run an errand. Bodily movement will clear your head, get your blood flowing, and help bring you back into balance.

    3. Hit that snooze alarm without guilt.

    I’ve used a trick to psych myself out for years. I work backward from the time I want to wake up, factor in two snooze alarm periods, and set my clock for that earlier time.

    The result? I get a brief but lovely time in which to feel a little bit decadent. “I wish I didn’t have to get up now. Oh, wait—I don’t have to!”

    4. Pretend you’ve just woken up.

    Another mental trick—as you’re going to bed at night, tell yourself it’s morning.

    Imagine what it would feel like to go through an entire day, starting right now. Think about all that physical and mental effort. You can even do (just a few!) jumping jacks or deep stretches to give your muscles a brief sense of fatigue.

    How many times have you said to yourself, “I just wish I could go back to sleep for another eight hours”?

    Now go “back” to sleep for another eight hours.

    5. Ask for help.

    You’d think this tip wouldn’t qualify as “surprising,” yet sadly, for many of us, it does.

    When you suffer from Superhero Syndrome, you’re usually under the impression that everything on your to-do list has to be done by you.

    Granted, you may not be in the position to hire a personal staff to assist you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for some help when you need it.

    As a fellow Superhero Syndrome sufferer, I know this is scary. But experience has shown me that when people value and care about you, they’re usually very happy to help. They won’t see you as weak or needy, but as someone who is strong enough to advocate for your own needs.

    Asking your spouse or partner to handle the kids for a while so you can take a break does not mean you don’t love your kids. It means you love them enough to want to give them your best, fully rested self.

    Requesting backup at work does not mean you’ll be seen as incompetent. It means you care about producing the best results possible, and that you’re secure enough to let others assist you with that.

    So go ahead and ask for support. You may very well be surprised by the result.

    6. Make a to-do list for tomorrow.

    Before bed, take five minutes to think about the next day and make some notes for yourself.

    For small tasks like calling the doctor, getting gas for the car, or picking up ingredients for dinner, writing them down or entering them into whatever device you use to track things reassures your mind, and you’ll be able to release them for the night.

    For longer-range projects, choose one small thing you can do to move them forward tomorrow.

    The idea here is that by making note of something in a place you know you’ll see it frees up your mind to relax into truly restful sleep.

    Don’t Try to Be a Superhero

    I was extremely lucky that day I fell asleep and drove off the road. A few passing drivers gave me very shocked looks as they whizzed by, but I didn’t crash into any of them. I recovered quickly enough to nudge my car back onto the road (and drive to the next exit, where I pulled over and sat there shaking for a while.)

    The most enduring result of that day has been that I now realize when I’m too tired to be safe or effective. On good days, I notice sooner and take steps to reverse the trend.

    If you’re suffering from Superhero Syndrome and trying to do too much, don’t push yourself to (or worse, past) the point of exhaustion. You may not be as lucky as I was.

    Also, just plain old “being happier and more rested” is nice, too.

    Sleeping man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Get Your Joy and Vitality Back When You’ve Been Depressed

    How to Get Your Joy and Vitality Back When You’ve Been Depressed

    “When everything seem to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” ~Henry Ford

    We all have this image of how depression looks. It’s a person looking all sullen and grim. Rain is usually involved. It’s dark. It’s cloudy. It’s depressing.

    But what about the sunny depression, the one that almost never shows its face in public, the one that looks just… normal.

    I’m a naturally happy person. I wake up smiling. I go to bed smiling. I even smile in my sleep, or so I’ve been told. Yet I’ve been depressed, depressed to the point where I was struggling to find reasons to go on, knowing in my rational mind that I need to find them, yet unable to get there emotionally.

    I was never diagnosed with depression, partly because I refused to actually see a professional about it and partly because I wanted to believe I could somehow find my way out without medication, since it wasn’t induced by a chemical imbalance.

    In a brilliant TED Talk, Andrew Solomon says that “the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality.” And that’s what I was lacking—the vitality, the drive to do something every day, the desire to step out of the numbness.

    I would spend my weekends alone in my apartment. I would pretend to be sick or tired, and when I would go out, I would go out of my way to not let anything seep through the armor I had built for myself.

    Most of the time, when driving back home, I would start crying in the car and would continue crying until I’d finally fall asleep.

    Sometimes I would sleep, even have happy dreams; other times, I would continue to cry in my dreams until the next morning when I would get up, go through the motions, put on make up to cover my swollen eyes, and start pretending everything was okay once again.

    If you’re reading this wondering if this applies to you and your life, take a look at the signs that finally made me realize I was depressed.

    • I would always find excuses not to do things.
    • I thought I was tough, that I didn’t need help; therefore, I didn’t ask for it.
    • I would cover my lethargy with smiles.
    • I didn’t actually feel unhappy, just uninterested in everything.
    • I started questioning if there was something at the other end, if I would ever get out of this state.

    The more I thought about everything, the sadder I got, and nothing seemed right anymore. I missed the happy me, the one who would wake up with a huge smile on her face, the one who believed that magic happened every day, who made everyone feel better and radiated light wherever she went.

    I looked around and realized I had no idea how to ask for help. I had never done it before and I considered it an act of weakness. But I still decided to try to ask for help. 

    Who was I going to ask? My friends? My family? My boyfriend? I felt ashamed, as if asking for help would make me seem less worthy of their love, as if I would turn into a disappointment. So I didn’t, at least not directly.

    I hinted toward the fact that I was depressed. I may have actually phrased it as “being sad,” but I never asked for what I needed, mainly because I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t want to be coddled or have anyone feel sorry for me. I just somehow wanted to be loved and supported, but I didn’t really know how.

    And then it hit me. I would never have back the time I was wasting now; I would never have that moment when I could have woken up happy with a giant smile on my face.

    Every moment I spent being sad and depressed was a moment I wasn’t happy, a moment I could have spent with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. For every moment I was depressed, I was losing a moment of happiness.

    I made a commitment to myself to find that happy me, that person full of love and vitality, the person that I knew still existed inside of me. It wasn’t easy. I had so many moments when I just wanted to crawl back into the cocoon of sadness and numbness I had created for myself, but I still tried every day.

    I knew I didn’t want to go on like this anymore. Here are a few things you can do when you find yourself in a somewhat similar situation.

    1. Stop putting yourself down for not waking up with a smile on your face.

    Instead, create a routine that will help you start the day off right. I did a short, guided meditation every morning. It was only five minutes long and at first it annoyed me, but I stuck with it and soon enough I started waking up and looking forward to it. And after a while, I was starting to do it every time I had a few minutes to myself. This allowed me to step into a place of acceptance and a place where I loved myself no matter what.

    2. Start looking for the little moments.

    Instead of demanding for the entire day to be happy, look for those little perfect moments in every day. Those little perfect moments can be as simple as your coworker bringing your favorite coffee to work one day or someone calling you just to say they missed you.

    For me, the perfect moments I will probably always remember were going to my favorite pizza place in the middle of the night, getting tickets to a concert I was dying to go to, yet it had been sold out for months, getting text messages that just said “I miss you” or “You’ve been on my mind.”

    3. Surround yourself with joyful people.

    And stay away from the ones who only see the bad side of things. We all have those people in our lives that charge us with energy and lift our spirits, and then we have those people who bring us down.

    I tried as much as I could to spend time with those high-energy people that filled me with love and joy.

    Sometimes when I was around those joyful people, I would feel a little sadness and anxiety, as if the pain inside me just wanted to come out. And many times, I decided to talk about it with them, knowing that they would always find the best thing to say to bring me up and help me release that tightness inside.

    4. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

    If you feel happy for a moment, allow yourself to be happy; if you are feeling sad, allow yourself to be sad without judging yourself, but also without dwelling on that feeling of sadness.

    5. Don’t dwell on the negative.

    Whenever you feel like talking about all the bad things in the world, find a tiny little thing that was good and hang onto that one.

    When those moments come when you feel full of anxiety, as if you’re going to break into a million pieces, allow yourself to talk about how you’re feeling, to get it all out, to release it and then to let it go.

    I always found it helpful to talk about things with a positive person who did nothing else but listen. They didn’t push their advice on me, they didn’t convince me it was all in my head; they just listened and asked questions that helped me understand what was going on, and supported me as best as they could.

    6. Start working out.

    I worked out even more than before, to the point where exercise became my therapy. I would always pick the classes or the home videos with motivational trainers who lifted my spirit. Soon enough, I not only felt good during and after working out, but I also felt good when I looked in the mirror.

    —

    Throughout this journey of coming back to my happy and joyful self, I took big steps and little steps. I just took everything as it came and looked for reasons to keep me on my path every day.

    Some days it was easy, other days it felt like a pain, and other days I just felt numb, as if I was waiting for my life to pass and get to a better place all on its own. Then I would remember once again: I will never get this time back; this time might be all I have. How do I want to spend it?

    Do I want to be numb, full of pain, or full of fear? Or do I want to live it to the fullest, to enjoy every moment as much as I can, to be kind and loving?

    I don’t know if I laugh in my sleep, but I do wake up smiling. My dreams are back, my desire to live life regardless of the challenges and circumstances thrown at me is back, and my sunny sky is real now.

    It’s not always easy, and the days when depression rears its ugly head can still show up when you least expect it. But if you’re kinder to yourself, if you set healthy boundaries, and allow yourself to be happy and sad, then you’re already winning

  • Letting Go of Expectations and Letting Joy Find You

    Letting Go of Expectations and Letting Joy Find You

    Letting Go

    “The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” ~Eli Khamarov

    Are there situations in your life where letting go of a desired outcome could potentially improve the outcome?

    I’d been invited to the Stern Grove festival, the free summer concert series, to see Andrew Bird. A friend of mine texted me the night before, letting me know he was setting up a picnic for it.

    I was feeling agitated that evening after spending more than I’d wanted to at a birthday dinner (which I was happy to attend, notwithstanding), and I anticipated wanting to recharge the next day, in solitude. (Pretending to have more money than you do is exhausting.) So I turned him down. “Enjoy it!” I texted.

    “Of course I will—it’s Andrew Bird!” he replied.

    The next morning, I settled into a café to work. But I couldn’t even start. As I stared at my laptop screen, resisting the pull to work on a Sunday and mildly resenting myself for need-choosing to freelance, I found myself Googling the Stern Grove website.

    I clearly wanted to go. So I closed my laptop and got out of there.

    Here’s where non-attachment comes in, because I knew that if I were going to actually haul my butt to that show, I’d have to mind-hack the excursion every step of the way.

    That part of me who resists working on a Sunday? She also resists not working. And going out. And being social. And stress in general, which of course is everywhere, relentlessly. So I do a lot of inner work on her behalf.

    As I walked to my car, I thought, “Well, I’m just going to take a nice Sunday drive to a new part of the city. If I decide at any point to not go, I won’t. I’ll turn it into a joyride around the Bay, which I enjoy doing anyway and would probably be doing later today.”

    That allowed me to relax, and I could take in the views, the landscape, even the traffic—because hey, I wasn’t on any timeline. “If I don’t make this in time, I just won’t go!” Win-win.

    I navigated my way to the park; I’m a Bay Area native but had never been! I was pleased to put the different neighborhoods together for myself.

    I drove past groups of blanket-clad concertgoers carrying coolers and maintained my detached stance toward my rising stress. “If I can’t find parking, I just won’t go. No problem.”

    I drove around for five minutes and parked four blocks away, in a residential goldmine others were pulling into as I walked.

    I arrived, alone and new to the venue. If you’ve never seen it, Stern Grove is gorgeous; you have ocean views as you’re headed there, and once you’re inside it’s as if the city doesn’t exist.

    I breathed in eucalyptus and felt the cool San Francisco air on my skin. I observed the crowds spreading out on the ground level and nesting on tiered ledges facing the wooded stage.

    Not a bad start at all. But I wanted to find my friend.

    Again, the mind-hack: “If I don’t find him, that’s okay. I’m just here to check this place out and watch a show.”

    The thing about all this self-talk is that I really believed it. That’s the rub: you have to sincerely buy it. There’s no gaming the system when it comes to enjoying the unexpected.

    This is a story about a concert, but the concept applies broadly to the more serious, high-stakes parts of life, too.

    What are your expectations in your relationships, for your career, of the world? What are you holding on to that letting go of might ease? (And understand that letting go does not mean giving up.)

    The next time you notice yourself attaching to an expectation, pause and check out how that feels inside. I’ll bet that your mind and body probably don’t like it very much. How can you soften it?

    As I wandered the aisles, scanning for my friend, I ran into an old roommate. We hadn’t seen each other for three years until the week before, at a house party. “Text me if you find your friend,” he told me. “I’m with a big group up front and we have plenty of space and booze and food.”

    Well okay, then! I did find my friend (with another mutual friend who’d come along), and despite some minor stress over hand stamps and ground access, we joined my ex-roommate and his buddies for wine and beer, fruit, deviled eggs, and vegan snacks mere yards from the stage and Andrew Bird’s spinning double-horn speaker.

    I stared at my surroundings in gratitude and awe. A perfectly unexpected Sunday afternoon with lush grove, loving company, and the atmospheric sounds of Andrew Bird and the Hands of Glory to match.

    Letting go can be the key to letting joy find you. Try it out sometime—it’s worth it.

    Man in the sky image via Shutterstock

  • Unbecoming Who You Are and Embracing Your True Self

    Unbecoming Who You Are and Embracing Your True Self

    Woman Silhouette Reflection

    “View your life with kindsight. Stop beating yourself up about things from your past. Instead of slapping your forehead and asking, ‘What was I thinking,’ breathe and ask yourself the kinder question, ‘What was I learning?’” ~Karen Salmonsohn

    I’ve never been particularly risk adverse.

    If you asked my friends or family, they’d tell you I’d be the first person to try something new and challenging. I did things in my twenties with very little thought about the consequences and dove headlong into many situations without batting an eyelid.

    Except, I was avoiding one thing and that was the real me. Each time I signed up for the latest challenge, I upped and moved home for the fifteenth time, or I jumped into a new relationship thinking this would be “the one,” I carried one huge secret with me.

    That secret was my overwhelming fear of being vulnerable.

    I know what you are thinking: “How could I take so many risks, dare to do what other people couldn’t, without being vulnerable?”

    It was easy, the whole time I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I wore a mask—a mask of someone who pretended to be adventurous, who lived by the seat of her pants, to make herself look interesting, and who in the end couldn’t pretend any more.

    When you try so hard to be someone you’re not, you lose sight of yourself. You end up doing things to please other people, resulting in living by their expectations. In the end, you become what they want you to be, which can lead anyone down the wrong path to self-destruction.

    I didn’t love myself enough to say, “No, this isn’t me” or “No, I won’t do that because that’s not what I want to do.” I just didn’t feel worthy enough to make my own decisions, to be happy with who I was, so I lived in fear never showing my true self.

    Being vulnerable was opposite to who I was. It mean showing myself to the world, even those bits I didn’t like. It meant expressing my true feelings and taking risks, even with no guarantees. When it came to risking it all in love, I just couldn’t do it.

    Then one day I couldn’t pretend anymore. I remember the moment: I was sitting on my bed crying, I was in yet another disastrous relationship, I was doing a job that sucked the very life out of me, I didn’t have the right people around me, and I was heading for a future of more fear.

    It had to stop now, so I did just that.

    I took off the mask. I ended the relationship, I quit my job, I sold nearly everything I owned, and I moved back home to my mother’s house. I knew I had to start over from scratch, to be reborn and learn how to be me again.

    I started exploring what really made me tick, what I was passionate about and what I loved to do. I ended friendships, I moved away from negative environments, and I worked hard at taking care of myself. I had to become “undone” to do that, to go back to basics and start again.

    It wasn’t easy. It has been a lonely journey at times and very painful, but I’ve come out the other side and I have to say I’ve never been happier. I’ve found a side to myself I never knew existed. I am creative, I am passionate, I am happy to be me, and, most of all, I am single and proud of it.

    Here are a few things I had to do to do to get me to this point and what I have learned.

    It’s possible to be single and happy.

    It’s funny, but each time I ended a relationship I always felt a sense of release, like it was always meant to be that way. I guess for years I thought that I had to have someone else to be happy, yet it turns out that it’s not my only avenue for joy and purpose.

    Since I got single, I’ve learned to love myself. I rely on myself and I no longer look to others to decide my future.

    It’s gotten to the point where I am so focused on my own life that I don’t think I’d have time right now for a partner. The main thing is I that I learned to be happy without being in a relationship, and when it does happen, it will be because it’s right.

    Singleness can be celebrated, as it allows us to truly reconnect with who we really are and uncover who we were all along.

    Sometimes we need to go back to our roots.

    I chose to go back home because it just seemed right. I had no money, my mum was happy to have me back, and I knew it would give me time to work out what I wanted to do with my life.

    I still feel this way today, now six months on, but it hasn’t been easy. Old feelings have come up, past resentments and disagreements.

    But what has been most apparent is the reflecting I have done about my relationship with my mum and myself. It has taught me that trying to change people is fruitless, and that if a situation is going to change, it’s up to me and how I respond to it.

    We don’t all need to move back home, but sometimes we need to go back to our roots to move forward. When we heal old wounds, forgive, and let go of the past, we create space for transformation to occur.

    Loneliness can be the beginning of true connection.

    I didn’t choose to be lonely; it just happened. I had no money, so I had to decide where my priorities were—and spending the money I didn’t have on nights out or other such frivolous things weren’t at the top of the list!

    I had to turn down many an invite out with friends, and the more I did that, the fewer people asked until in the end I never went out.

    That period of time was my lowest point. I’d never felt that lonely, but it taught me so many things. It taught me about those who were there for me, and those who weren’t. It taught me about how I dealt with those feelings, to rely on myself more; yet, in the same breath, it also spurred me on to find other people who got me and accepted the person I was becoming.

    I believe that the people we meet come into our lives to teach us things about ourselves. Some stay for the long haul, while others come and then go just as fast. Being lonely is never easy, but if you decide that it’s not forever and it’s all part of the process, then you’ll be at peace with it.

    Today, I still live at home. I am still gloriously single, but now I hardly ever get lonely. I am still on this journey, except now I am no longer unbecoming who I was; I am finally becoming the person I was all along.

    —

    If you feel that you’ve been pretending for too long, fitting in with those around you, perhaps now is the time to take some steps to change that, to un-become who you are.

    My steps where mine alone, they may not be for you. They were, however, the best things I have done, and I am grateful for that.

    Woman and reflection image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship, With Fewer Disappointments

    5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship, With Fewer Disappointments

    Happy Couple

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    Have you ever felt less about a relationship when it didn’t exactly pan out like a fairy tale? I sure did.

    I had it stuck in my mind that a great relationship should be picture perfect.

    When reality would give me a sobering slap showing it was far from perfect, I would walk away from a relationship that refused to meet my standards.

    I thought that a relationship is like a flower in a pot, ever blooming by itself. No hard work whatsoever. But the “flower” also has a tremendous thirst for nourishment and requires time and dedication to ensure it grows and blossoms.

    Stubbornly, I believed that when I met my one and only, my life would change for the better. Just like in a romantic movie, I was expecting the credits to roll up the much anticipated “Happy Ending” sign.

    Real relationships have nothing in common with a fairy tale.

    I had to learn that in order to find genuine happiness (in any relationship) I needed to let go of that silly, romantic movie-like metaphor. When I let go of what a relationship should be like, I started enjoying relationships as they were by looking beyond the flaws and releasing false expectations.

    5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship

    1. Find wholeness instead of expecting someone else to complete you.

    Give yourself and your partner the greatest gift by becoming whole so that you won’t look for a relationship to complete you, or lose yourself and dissolve into another person completely.

    It was challenging to break free from the notion that in order to be whole, I had to find my other half. I also struggled to find a connection with myself outside the walls of relationships. But I was convinced that it was crucial to be able to find comfort in my own company.

    We all want to be happy, and happiness comes from within. Solitude allows us to clear our mind and unwind. It gives us to chance to reflect on what we want to experience to create fulfillment in life.

    Put some time aside. Nurture yourself with the love and attention you deserve. The more you fill yourself with love, the more love you’ll be ready to give. Be kind to yourself. Find your peace and comfort in solitude.

    All great love stories start with loving ourselves first. When we nourish our internal light, then we are ready to share it with the rest of the world.

    2. Focus on yourself instead of trying to change someone else.

    I was determined to change my partner and teach him something that just didn’t appeal to him. I’ve only recently realized that it’s fruitless to try to change someone else, and better to focus on yourself, acting as an example of what’s possible.

    For instance, two-and-a-half years ago I started eating healthy and exercising daily. I became a vegetarian and was excited about the way I felt and the weight I dropped in a matter of a couple of months. Of course I wanted my significant other to feel what I felt. I wanted him to feel good.

    I was forcing him to attain my new healthy habits. It turned into an obsession to see dramatic changes in him in a heartbeat. The result? He became furious and resentful.

    When I quit nagging about what he should do, I gave him space to breathe and be himself. And eventually, when he was ready to change, my significant other turned his eating habits around. He followed my example because he felt compelled, not forced.

    3. Learn to see the extraordinary within the ordinary.

    We often do just about anything to avoid the ordinary, don’t we? For years I couldn’t see the magic in sharing the day-to-day life with the person I love.

    I was comically obsessed with avoiding ordinary, so I wished that each moment would take my breath away, or that my partner would do something that would. I wanted each moment to be epic and filled with glory.

    I had my expectations way up high and forgot how to appreciate all the “little” things—things that might seem ordinary, like going for a walk in the park hand-in-hand.

    I’ve learned how to see the beauty in each moment shared with my loved one knowing that ordinary is extraordinary when you see things through the heart.

    4. Let go of conditions and expectations.

    Have you ever placed conditions on your love? I did.

    When we expect people to give us love in a precise way we yearn for it, we put our contentment in someone else’s hands and suffocate our relationships with impossibly high standards.

    If you’re not happy with something, share your feelings, but consider that love won’t always look exactly as you expected it would. Letting go of heavy expectations gives our relationships room to breathe and allows us to appreciate everything that’s going right instead of focusing on what we think is wrong.

    5. Listen to understand.

    Arguments are awful, aren’t they? They leave us with that bitter aftertaste. Arguments have also made me think less of myself, and the relationship.

    I failed to realize back then that the more we communicate and listen, the fewer challenges we face.

    State your point patiently and listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting them. Construct the bridge of understanding through the chasm of the argument.

    We all want to be heard and understood.

    The biggest problem with communication occurs when we don’t listen to understand; we listen to reply or to fight back.

    I still struggle with the whole “not acting upon emotion” thing; however, I understand that emotions are temporary, but the situations created by them may resonate for much longer period of time.

    —

    When we allow our relationships to be imperfect and accept that we all have imperfections too, that’s when tiny yet noticeable changes occur. We all deserve nourishing relationships that are filled with love, respect, and warmth. Share your light and let yourself be loved in return.

    Happy couple image via Shutterstock

  • Healing from Heartbreak and Loving Life, No Matter Your “Status”

    Healing from Heartbreak and Loving Life, No Matter Your “Status”

    Happy Woman

    “Getting over a past relationship is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    I recently stumbled into a clothing store where everything was full of life and color, until I saw the sales clerk.

    She had obviously been crying. I perused the merchandise and hesitatingly asked her a question about an item. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said, “I’m sorry, I’m so overwhelmed. My boyfriend just broke up with me.”

    I wasn’t prepared for that answer, but as I looked at her more closely I saw my former self in her eyes.

    I had, in fact, been that same heartbroken girl a few years back. I can still picture my ex-boyfriend standing in his driveway just before the July 4th holiday, me with tears in my eyes. He simply said, “I’m sorry, I can’t be what you want” and got into his car to drive off to the beach.

    Talk about devastation. I felt paralyzed, thinking, who will love me now? How can I continue life without being part of a relationship? What is my status?

    It took a while, but I did manage to get through that hurt. Here are some of the small steps that I took to learn how to love my life, regardless of being single or in a relationship.

    Give yourself a period to grieve, and then set an alarm to get moving again.

    Just like the sales clerk, I cried until my eyes were blurry. I refused to see my friends and family, and I sent every phone call straight to voicemail. I even stopped eating because I lost my appetite.

    That was okay for the first three days, but then I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that it was time to start functioning again. So, I literally set an alarm clock and chose the date and time that I would pick myself up off of my couch and return to the land of the living.

    Obviously, relationships take time to heal and we have every right to mourn their endings, but once the grief consumes us to the point that we lose productivity, there is a danger of it leading into a much darker place, or even a depression.

    So when that alarm went off I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and decided that even if I simply made it to the grocery store that day, or took a walk in the park, it was better for me than sitting home to sulk.

    Of course, I still had bouts of tears and got down at times, but at least I was out of a place where I would solely focus on my pain. After a while my grief was still there, but it began to lessen.

    Find a cause that captures your heart and throw yourself into helping.

    I always wanted to adopt a dog, so I sought out a pet rescue organization online and adopted my very own dog. She was a handful, and the first week alone she broke out of her crate, howled all night long, and needed to be walked every fifteen minutes.

    I was exhausted, but prioritizing her needs above mine forced me to stop concentrating on my problems. Occasionally, I sent the rescue organization photos to show how well she was progressing, and they asked me to write an article for their newsletter.

    Before I knew it, I was volunteering my marketing skills to post Facebook and Twitter updates about adoption events, collecting old bed sheets and towels for other animals in need, and advising other families on pet rescue. To this day, that is the cause that captured my heart and helped me to become a passionate advocate of pet rescue.

    Be open to the power of saying “yes.” 

    As much as I was embarrassed at my newfound single status, I wondered what would happen if I decided to embrace the break-up as if I had chosen it. Then I made a decision to accept social invitations and say “yes” whenever possible.

    I had a blast that summer! My days and nights were full of activities ranging from dog park meet-ups to planning an art exhibition, learning to plant flower boxes, and doing country karaoke at a local dive bar. Suddenly, I loved the power and thrill of saying “yes,” because I never knew where it would lead.

    A couple of years later, my neighbor invited me and seven of her friends (none of whom I knew) on a girls weekend trip. I said “sure, what the heck?” That same weekend I ended up meeting my current boyfriend, and I eventually relocated from Boston to Miami.

    Now we live together with his children and my rescue dog is our family pet. If you have a little faith in the unknown and are open to saying yes, you never know what path it can take you down.

    Take your ego out of your hurt to make an “I” statement.

    Oftentimes, at the end of relationships we over-analyze them, letting our egos get in the way, and asking ourselves, “What could I have done to make him/her stay?” or “What qualities didn’t I have that he/she wanted?”

    Try writing every question down that you still have about the relationship. Then re-phrase it from your point-of-view. For example, my ex-boyfriend said, “I can’t be what you want,” so I wrote down “Can he be what I want in a boyfriend?”

    Doing so made it so obvious to me that we fell into a relationship where we were simply going with the flow. I realized that I wanted a partner who was seeking a long-term commitment and wasn’t afraid to verbalize that up-front.

    In changing my outlook on my past relationship I eventually got to spend time getting to know and falling in love with my own life. Regardless of if I am single or with a partner, my relationship status no longer defines me, and that is freeing.

    Happy woman in the rain image via Shutterstock