Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • When Waiting Gives You Anxiety: How to Find Peace in the Present

    When Waiting Gives You Anxiety: How to Find Peace in the Present

    “The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for.” ~Dan Millman

    Nothing gives me anxiety quite like waiting for things to happen. If I don’t know how long I will be in line, stuck on a delayed NYC subway, or behind someone at the grocery store who is paying in pennies, I get very anxious. Or at least I used to.

    Going to the doctor’s office was the worst. I know that no one likes to be sick or in pain before going to the doctor. People don’t like to be poked at or asked personal, embarrassing questions during the exam either. Those were not the worst parts for me at all. The worst part for me was the waiting.

    I once went to a doctor’s office for a 9:45AM appointment and had to wait in the lobby until 11AM before going to the exam room.

    I waited in that exam room for over an hour before the doctor even showed up. She was in the room for five minutes, and that was that. I wasn’t even sick. It was just for a yearly checkup that I had voluntarily went in for.

    Being in a small room all alone, unable to go anywhere, was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I sat and waited. Looked at the clock. Tried to stay warm (it was freezing in that tiny room). Looked at the clock again. Told myself to just get up and leave. Looked at the clock again.

    Then it hit me: My very first anxiety attack.

    When you have been in a lobby waiting and waiting, just to get into an exam room to wait and wait some more, your brain does funny things that work against you. I started to feel like I was going to be there forever, like I was forgotten, and like I didn’t matter.

    I thought about leaving numerous times, but then my brain would convince me that I was sure the doctor would be in in the next five minutes…she just had to be. Then she wasn’t, and I would wait five minutes more.

    This made the cycle of waiting even worse, since I began to do the math in my head about how much time of my life was being wasted at this doctor’s office.

    By the time my doctor came into the room, my palms were sweating, I was probably a bit pale, and my legs were shaking uncontrollably. I was also fighting back tears of frustration, anger, and stress.

    With a smile, she said, “Sorry for the wait. It’s been a busy day.” Trying to be polite I just nodded, and said it was okay, even though my body wanted me to scream, “If you know you’re going to be busy, let me know! I’ve been in here for over an hour!” and run out of the room.

    The next time I went to the doctor’s office I prepared. I had a big meal so I was well fed, I brought a book to pass the time, and I also brought a sweater to combat the cold. These little tweaks helped me to overcome the terrible inconveniences of my waiting environment, but not overcome the anxious feelings brought on by the waiting.

    The only thing that helped my anxiety was staying present.

    When I think about being right here, right now, I also like to think, “There is nowhere else I am meant to be.” If I know that I am meant to be right where I am, I can stay there and not feel like I should be somewhere else or that I am wasting my time waiting for others.

    I like to think that maybe I was meant to stay in that office for over two hours because on the way home I went to get coffee and saw an old friend that I would have otherwise missed.

    Maybe half an hour before I was able to go home, the perfect parking spot was unavailable in front of my apartment building. Perhaps my timing was so great that I got that perfect spot, and one of life’s little victories was mine.

    Maybe somehow the universe had me stay at that doctor’s office for over two hours in order to avoid heartache, pain, or annoyance that I could have been a part of otherwise.

    Maybe I was right there, right then, learning a lesson for future me to live in the moment and control my anxious thoughts.

    Things happen that are out of our control every day. Sometimes the person in front of you at the grocery store pays in pennies. Sometimes you sit alone and are in your own head for two hours feeling forgotten.

    If you can learn to acknowledge that you are right here, right now, for a reason, the thoughts that want to run wild in your head can be tamed, you can gain some control, and you can control your anxiety.

  • From Conflict to Compassion: Put Love Above Winning

    From Conflict to Compassion: Put Love Above Winning

    Angry Couple

    “Let go of your attachment to being right and suddenly your mind is more open.” ~Ralph Marston

    When we face a conflict we face an opportunity to learn from pain. It’s like putting your hand against a hot burner on the stove. The burn warns that you have to do something differently.

    You pull your hand back reflexively and you don’t touch the stove again. You’ve learned. As with the hot stove, if we get the lesson that is in front of us, we don’t need to keep repeating that particular pain.

    Inconveniently, our natural inclination when we feel the sting of conflict is to outsource the blame, making it impossible to get the lesson and move on.

    This is such a strong tendency that many of us live in a constant or re-occurring experience with conflict. We have conflicts with our co-workers, our boss, our neighbors, the guy in front of us in line at the coffee shop, our partners, children, and parents.

    It’s the same story running over and over. In its most basic form, the story is:

    I have been wronged by someone who does not see my value. They are self-centered and are not considering my point of view

    Oddly enough, that is also the story we are acting out. We are refusing to see the others’ point of view; maybe because it puts our own sense of self at risk.

    Who am I if I let go of my passionate perspective and wholly understand the others’ point of view? Will the world walk all over me if I don’t stand up for my rights?

    Fundamentally, this fear is about a loss of ego. My outrage at my neighbor because he continually lets his dog out at 5:30AM to bark is rooted in a desire to be right: to have my experience in the world validated.

    Of course, the pre-dawn barking disturbs my sleep. I don’t want to discount that impact. But if this were an event that I chose or knew I couldn’t control, I would accept it.

    For example, if I opted to live somewhere beautiful knowing that there would be a 5:30 siren every day, I would manage that in my life with earplugs or a different sleep pattern and not feel indignant about it. But when I feel disregarded by the neighbor, I experience the pain of conflict.

    When I am upset with my partner because he doesn’t do enough housework, it’s not because I’m in pain from doing too much housework. I’m in pain because I’m afraid he won’t see my value; that he will take me for granted and not recognize my worth. That is a fear of losing ego.

    What can we do with this need to win in order to be seen? This very need is central to our primary drivers and yet runs contrary to our best interests.

    As Leo Tolstoy wrote to Gandhi in 1908 in A Letter to a Hindu:

    “On the one side there is the consciousness of the beneficence of the law of love, and on the other the existing order of life which has for centuries occasioned an empty, anxious, restless, and troubled mode of life, conflicting as it does with the law of love and built on the use of violence. This contradiction must be faced.”

    It seems as though our very civilization is built on this tension between winning and loving.

    Tolstoy, optimistic about the resolution of this tension, believed love would rule eventually, if humans just got to the business of recognizing it and putting it at the forefront.

    I’m certainly not going to disagree with that lovely thought, but working with people in interpersonal conflict for many years has taught me that this is no small request.

    It’s all well and good to point a finger at terrorists or fundamentalists or the target du jour. It’s easy to see they need to lay down their arms and love one another.

    But when it comes to the feud with the neighbor, the lack of recognition from the boss, the unjust lawsuit, the cheating spouse, or any of the other truly personal forms of conflict in our day-to-day lives, we take umbrage.

    For those matters, it seems critical that we receive acknowledgement of our unique experience.

    I’m learning that transcending this desire for rightness requires that we build a pathway out and that we cultivate that pathway, tend it, and keep it free of stumbling blocks.

    Here are four not-so-simple steps to tend that path:

    Grow compassion.

    Let go of your perspective long enough to feel another person’s pain. Practice this every day with small matters like the person cutting in front of you in line, and increase to your miserable neighbor or needy mother. When you are annoyed by the screaming child on the plane, imagine what that parent must be feeling.

    Release the need to be right.

    Consider the notion that there is no right in this situation, just two perspectives. We tend to think that our perspective is the truth, but recognizing that our “rightness” is tied to our biased perspective helps get us past our ego.

    Take responsibility for yourself.

    Keep an eye out for what you bring to the situation that adds to the chaos. Overextending or having unclear expectations or boundaries can be as damaging as blaming or digging in your heals.

    Accept what is.

    When you’re in conflict with a person whose behaviors are unacceptable to you, you need to take care of yourself and let go of the desire for the other person to be different. You can’t change that person, but you can change your relationship. Staying engaged and wanting them to be better is like putting a hand back on the stove and wanting it to be cool.

    The opportunity to grow in conflict comes when we accept the other person’s limitations and take care of ourselves without feeling indignant, bitter, or self-righteous. If we can do that, we can broaden that path through the pain toward compassion.

    This post has been updated since it was first published. Angry couple image via Shutterstock

  • Every Imperfect Person Has Something to Teach Us

    Every Imperfect Person Has Something to Teach Us

    Seated Group

    “My experience is that the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with right now.” ~Byron Katie

    I have always been of the opinion that the people around us are our teachers.

    Specifically, I have always seen what I perceive to be negative traits in others as opportunities to develop patience or kindness toward them. I see it as a struggle they are going through, and if I can be patient or kind, then that helps them. It also teaches me how to embody those qualities even when I don’t feel like it.

    If a colleague, friend, or acquaintance is abrasive or aggressive, I try to mentally extend loving thoughts to them.

    I think about what it’s like to be in their shoes and how I can lead by example by being kind to them. I breathe in their perceived negativity and breathe out positivity. I tell myself, this is your opportunity to practice. So I practice.

    And I think without realizing it, sometimes I can be smug about it. Subconsciously, despite all my yogic training, my interest in Buddhism, and my general belief that we are all the same, I inadvertently elevate myself in stature compared to others.

    I am mentally giving myself yogic brownie points—which, in the very nature of yoga, do not exist!

    When you’re on a spiritual path in particular, it can be easy sometimes to fall into the illusion that you’ve made it. You’ve figured it out. You are enlightened and can now teach everybody else how to be just like you.

    One morning recently I had an epiphany about my philosophy that everybody is my teacher. I still believe it to be the case, but I realized that by thinking from my ego, I was always seeing other people as teaching me qualities to help deal with them better. I wasn’t really thinking about how I could be better.

    It was always about being more patient with grumpiness, being more loving toward animosity, opening my heart to a closed one.

    There goes the illusion again, that I have made it—I have learned all I need to learn about my less than desirable qualities, and just need to learn about how to handle other imperfect people. It makes me laugh now as I’m typing it.

    In simple terms, I had basically forgotten that I also had the potential to be quite annoying or difficult too. Just like every other human on the planet. I’m not perfect. And it’s something I have to keep remembering.

    Then I realized in a moment of genuine clarity that one of my greatest teachers is my partner. He will probably scoff when he reads this, as he won’t see himself in this light, but it’s true.

    He loves me for who I am, whether that’s a yogi getting up at 5AM to practice and unwittingly waking him up by chanting quietly in the next room, or someone who proclaims she’s on a vegan diet this week and then sneaks in a bit of cheese in a moment of weakness.

    He patiently (most of the time!) catches spiders for me despite it clearly being an irrational fear that I should probably deal with. He laughs at my jokes even when they aren’t funny, which I shamefully never do for him.

    He forgives and loves people, again and again, in a much more graceful way than I ever have. He knows he is not perfect and that nobody else is. He doesn’t try to attain perfection. He just lives as well as he can in that moment.

    In seeing how he embraces all of me, I realize the goal isn’t merely to learn from other people’s imperfections, but also to accept them—and to accept that I too have room for growth, and that’s perfectly okay. None us will ever have it all figured out, and none of us needs to be perfect.

    Instead of looking at how to deal with qualities in others that I perceive negatively, I now look at how to embrace their positive qualities so I can gradually start to embody them more myself. I still aim to lead by example, but I also strive to follow the many positive examples others set.

    And this is how we can all teach other—by seeing the best in each other and bringing out the best in each other. We are all on equal footing, human and imperfect. Let’s learn and love together.

    Group of meditators image via Shutterstock

  • Do You Think You Need to Be Perfect to Be Accepted?

    Do You Think You Need to Be Perfect to Be Accepted?

    Hiding Behind Hood

    “What you resist, persists.” ~C.G. Jung

    There it is: Perfection, Eureka!—the holy grail of achievement, like an elusive mirage in the middle of a desert or that pesky little pot of gold we are always hunting for at the end of the rainbow, purring with all of its possibilities, protection, and promise.

    Yet, despite its charm and the value we tend to assign to the trait, as well as on those who possess it, perfectionism ultimately leads to the same destination. In striving for perfection, we may soon find ourselves disappointed, dissatisfied, and even sometimes, knee-deep in suffering and denial, like I did.

    What does it really mean to be perfect? To do things perfectly? To be a perfectionist?

    For me, perfectionism is best described as a constant striving—the sense that you or the circumstances in your life are unacceptable as they are. This also goes far beyond a healthy desire for excellence or improvement.

    The chance to do more and to be more consumed me. And ultimately, the chance to become the living, breathing, endlessly disciplined and carefully retouched image of my actual self was just too tantalizing.

    It seemed to offer me the ability to control the circumstances as well as the people around me, shaping them all and living life according to my own terms and conditions.

    We are often taught that along with perfectionism, and its corresponding high level of accomplishment, comes an automatic sense of admiration, security, certainty, and predictability—all acting as some sort of insurance or safeguard against the painful, frustrating, and seemingly unavoidable irritations and nuances of our day-to-day lives. 

    What I realize now is this: I longed to be admired by all, yet truly seen and known by none. For me, perfectionism became a way to mask all those less-than perfect, too different or undesirable aspects of my self.

    Growing up, I felt fundamentally different from my peers, which at the time, translated to feeling inferior and never quite fitting or blending in. I had decided I stood out like a sore thumb.

    Being biracial and heavily influenced by my Peruvian culture growing up, I remember longing to fit in or to be more like those around me—to watch American television shows, to listen to American music and radio in the car, and to eat American food every night for dinner.

    At school, I desperately hoped to fit in and be accepted, but despite my best efforts, oftentimes, I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

    I did not understand then that what made me different actually gave me insight, depth, openness, compassion, and the ability to empathize with others.

    I longed to push my differences deep down, far enough that I could just about convince myself that they had actually vanished, and that I was victorious.

    Later on, my obsession with perfectionism and its illusion of control took up most of my time, consumed my mind, yet left me riddled with feelings of anxiety, depression, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and several increasingly unbalanced and unhealthy relationships in its wake.

    It was never enough. The harder I tried, the more I felt sure I was failing, and the pain inside grew stronger. I came to better hide my true self, feeling ashamed of the parts that did not measure up.

    I had already decided I was unworthy, because I was simply too bossy, too sensitive, too shy, too fearful, too quiet, too reactive, too emotional, too unfocused, too messy, too raw, and entirely too quirky. I was too imperfect as I was.

    In being so judgmental of myself, it is no wonder that this critical perspective began to spread and apply to everything and everyone around me.

    Once I am perfect, or closer to perfect, we find ourselves thinking, I will finally be that much closer to being able to truly and wholly accept and love myself. At last, I thought, I can be safe, decidedly removed from all judgment and ridicule—no longer vulnerable or ashamed.

    I was no longer forced to see and accept things as they were—the good and the bad, all braided together into one and, always already beyond the span of my control.

    The incessant worrying, people pleasing, and the constant search for external validation through the approval of others all culminated in the implosion of a four-year romantic relationship that I had been doing just about everything in my power and beyond to maintain—even at the expense of my overall well being.

    This was my misguided attempt to ensure everything appeared seamlessly and seemingly picture perfect for everyone around me.

    Nights spent crying and mornings where I could not bring myself to get out of bed, I knew I was drained and broken down. I could not keep pushing forward and denying myself, and I could no longer disguise or deny the chaos lurking only inches below the perfectly polished façade.

    I had been denying my true self, my needs, my wants, and my feelings to the point where they became unintelligible to me. In fact, I am still working to decode, understand, and listen to them.

    But I do know this much: What I was craving more than anything was to be seen and accepted for who I was—without all that extra effort and perfectionism piled on top.

    I wanted to belong, to be desired, and to be loved for who I am already. And I was looking for that stamp of approval outside of myself and from others.

    When I looked around me, all I could see were my unrealistically high expectations mirrored back at me. The seeds of expectation and subsequent suffering had now firmly taken root.

    With reality on one side and my demands and expectations on the other, I found myself bridging the chasm, clinging to both sides, exhausted, and using nearly every last bit of energy in my reserve to unsuccessfully close the gap between expectation and reality.

    The solution: complete and total acceptance of what is—of your present set of circumstances: self, feelings, wants, and needs, for better or for worse.

    Here is the key: you don’t have to be happy with or even have chosen your present set of circumstances in order to acknowledge them or to simply see them as they are in their unfiltered state.

    Not you, nor your circumstances, nor the people in your life need to be perfect (or even any different than they are at this exact moment) in order for you to accept them.

    You can accept uncertainty, and you can accept that sometimes, temporarily, you may not be feeling happy, and you might even be feeling pain inside. Allow it. Feel it. Listen to it.

    The reason this is possible is because everything changes—all circumstances and feelings are constantly rearranging, changing, and forever in flux. Nothing is truly permanent, fixed, or secure. And perfectionism does nothing to change that.

    To accept means to see and to acknowledge what is—with brutal and unflinching honesty. It means seeing without resistance and reserving the desire to control or to change what you see. No more hiding from or resisting reality.

    Fortunately, this is the foundation for genuine and enduring self-love, self-compassion, and being truly grounded and in touch with your true self. This in turn, becomes the most natural way of authentically being able share boundless and replenishing love and compassion with others.

    Hiding man image via Shutterstock

  • Happiness Is Always an Inside Job

    Happiness Is Always an Inside Job

    Happiness Is Always an Inside Job

    Source: Charity Elise Designs

  • When YOU Disappear Your Masterpiece Appears

    When YOU Disappear Your Masterpiece Appears

    Mindfulness

    “Happiness is absorption.” ~T.E. Lawrence

    During my years in university, there was a cook that I remember to this day. He worked in the university grill. He was well known amongst the students and staff. For his happiness.

    Whether it was 6AM or 6PM, whether it was weekday or weekend, sunshine or hail, he greeted everyone with a boisterous “Good morning. How are you this morning?”

    There might have been forty people in the breakfast line and he would greet every single one the same way. Many, including myself, would often wonder how it was that a man could be so joyful. Regardless of the time or the day.

    While this was the quality he was most known for, I found another which was even more impressive.

    I once snuck into the kitchen to watch him cook. I wanted to see this man in his natural state. What was he like behind the scenes?

    As he would make a grilled cheese sandwich, he would place the bread onto the grill as if it were made of glass. He placed two pieces of cheese onto the bread and he took his spatula and he pressed down evenly and gently.

    His left hand poured a small bit of oil onto the pan, while his right handled the spatula. He placed the sandwich onto a plate. Precisely in the center. He took a knife and pressed his left palm upon the top of the blade and pressed down, and then after it was cut he flicked his left hand into the air as if it were a show.

    But there was no one there to watch. No one that he knew of, that is.

    Suddenly one of the servers dropped a plate which fell and shattered about thirty feet from him. He didn’t so much as flinch. His focus remained on the sandwich. On his ultimate creation. All the while, his lips remained pursed in concentration. His sleeves hung loose at the wrist. The entire affair was done with such rhythm, such grace. It was a ballet.

    I remain convinced to this day that he did not even hear the plate fall.

    I have spent years giving myself to my endeavors. It was difficult in the beginning. Distractions were the order of the day. And the mind was difficult to settle.

    But it is much easier now. In fact, I have used this approach not only with work but with my daily existence. And things happen of their own accord. Whether it is playing the piano or writing a discourse, the fingers seem to find their own way. The instincts and the motions come to me rather than from me. And I sit watching the beautiful dance unfold.

    This, my friends, is what I have discovered is the secret of making a masterpiece of your craft.

    Society, from childhood forward, is taught to do things according to a certain technique. In a certain way. According to a certain methodology.

    Superiors judge the individual for how well they follow the methodology. How good the result is. And whether every direction is adhered to. The type of individuals that are created in this manner are not leaders but followers. What is being taught is not creativity, but mimicry.

    Is it a wonder that the creative, the elite, in any discipline are so few? It is not that only a subset of human beings harbor creativity. It is that only a subset choose to nurture it.

    The world is addicted to the “how to.” And there is no shortage of individuals to indulge them.

    Creativity is a profound rebellion. That which comes from a sacred place within you is far superior than that which comes from the world around you.

    The secret of work lies not in the comparing of the result against a prevailing standard. The secret of work lies not in following a recipe. The secret of work lies not in the praise that it garners.

    The secret of work lies in the state of the human being performing it. The secret of work lies not in mindfulness. But mindlessness.

    Mindlessness?

    Yes, mindLESSness.

    If you examine an event or a time in your life when you created something valuable, a masterpiece of your creation, you will find that time disappeared. During those minutes or hours in which you worked, nothing else in the world existed. You were the only person in the world. And your task was the most important thing in the world.

    There was no time. There was no distraction. There was no mind.

    And most glorious of all, there was no YOU.

    Your hands worked of their own accord. Dancing to a rhythm all their own. Neuronal impulses traveled directly from brain to fingertips, bypassing YOU altogether.

    There was no thought of what it might look like. There was no hope of anyone liking it. There was no fear of it being ridiculed. The entire affair was thoughtless, mindless, and egoless. This is how masterpieces are created.

    In the end, it is YOU that stands between you and your masterpiece.

    When you become lost in what you are doing . . .

    When the mind goes away . . .

    When YOU disappear . . .

    Your masterpiece appears.

    Zen man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Realize Your Dream When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    How to Realize Your Dream When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    Dreamer

    “Come, even if you have broken your vow one thousand times, come, yet again, come, come.” ~Rumi

    I read these words on a plaque in the middle of climbing a small mountain, in the middle of northern Spain, in the middle of a hot summer, at the end of my thirty-third year.

    My eyes filled with tears and even as I brushed them away, adjusted my pack, and continued climbing up the mountain, the words echoed in my mind

    I was walking the Camino de Santiago, a 500-mile pilgrimage route that runs across the north of Spain. I’d started my walk three weeks ago in St Jean Pied de Port, a small French village in the Pyrenees.

    That first day I climbed through the mountains and crossed into Spain, and from there I walked through all kinds of terrain: rolling hills, wide open spaces, tracks through forests, rocky paths winding through vineyards.

    The total route would take me thirty-one days and my final destination was Santiago de Compostela, a city in the northwest corner of Spain, where legend has it that the remains of St James the Apostle were buried in a crypt beneath the cathedral.

    People had been making this pilgrimage for centuries, and now I was one more of the hundreds of thousands—millions—to make the journey.

    I’d chosen to walk this pilgrimage for so many reasons, reasons that I couldn’t even fully understand. On my first night in France, before even stepping foot on the Camino, a Frenchman asked me why I was walking. It was a question that would come up again and again, but that first night, after hearing his question, I froze.

    How do I answer this at all, much less in French?

    My first steps out of France were shaky: I was scared and clueless, having no idea what I was getting myself into. But quickly those steps grew confident. I faced challenges: steep hills, a spider bite on my leg, walking fifteen miles without coffee, losing my guidebook.

    But I walked through those challenges, and in doing that, I found joy. I found friendship and connection and fun. But always, as I walked, my mind was searching for answers.

    What was the purpose of this walk? What was I looking for? Where was I going with my life? What is my direction?

    Big stuff.

    My life before the Camino was, for all intents and purposes, fine. I’d had my share of struggles, particularly with love, but I was doing okay. I had a good job, a supportive family, close friends, a home I adored.

    It all looked okay, the picture of my life, but it wasn’t enough. It never quite felt like enough.

    Here was my pattern: I’d vow to change my life and go after my dreams. Vow to take a writing class or buy a camera lens. Vow to quit my job and travel or start my own business or write a book.

    Vow and vow and then five years would go by and I’d take stock of where I was. I’d submitted a few essays but never wrote a book, I’d traveled a bit but I never quit my job.

    I’d reach a little and then I’d pull back. Because I was scared, and because I might fail.

    I broke my vow one thousand times.

    How do I start again after breaking my vow? How do I find my direction?

    My answer, it turns out, was simply this: take a step. I found direction by starting to move.

    I still don’t fully know where I’m going, but, amid dozens of other lessons from my Camino, I learned two very important things.

    The first is that it’s okay to break my vow, or to change my direction, because I can always come back. And the second is to make a decision and to start.

    I was terrified as I took my first steps on the Camino, but once I was on the way I just kept going. One step at a time and before I knew it, I’d just walked across a country.

    If I can do that, I can write a book. I can run a marathon, and I can travel the world. It’s scary and it takes works—oh boy, does it take work—but I can do it.

    Here are four key things that helped me in climbing that first mountain and finding direction:

    1. Start with a single step.

    It seems obvious, and we hear it time and time again, but it is the most valuable piece of advice that I could give.

    Nothing, and I mean nothing, starts without a first step. But I also learned this: if you fail, if you start and then stop, if you break your vow, it’s okay. Just come back. Start again. But always remember to start.

    And your first step does not have to be big. In fact, it’s probably better if it’s a small step, because then the next step won’t be so daunting. If you start with small steps, it’s easier to keep going.

    My first steps (before I even set foot on the Camino) were small: a short blog post that I didn’t share with anyone, joining the Y, and walking a few times around the track. These weren’t big steps, but they were something.

    2. String those steps together.

    After your first step, take another. And then another. Just keep moving.

    Often when we start moving and stringing steps together, we gain momentum. The ball gets rolling and we get caught up in that motion, and then we’re in it. It feels easier to keep moving.

    But what if something derails us and we hit a wall? What if we get stuck? What if we have trouble starting back up?

    3. Enlist your cheerleaders.

    It’s hard to do stuff on our own. It’s isolating, and it becomes easy to start thinking that we’re all alone in whatever we are doing or feeling. The truth is that we’re never alone, but in order to feel like we have a team and that people understand, we first need to find those people.

    So find your cheerleaders. Identify the people in your life who you’d like on your team, and then tell them that they’re on your team.

    Maybe it’s the friend who always wants to hear about your dreams and provides encouragement and support. Maybe it’s your parents, maybe it’s your neighbor, maybe it’s a distant Facebook connection or a follower on Twitter.

    Whoever these people may be—whether it’s one or one hundred and one—find them, and tell them about your goals and dreams. They will be there to build you up when you struggle, and they will help to keep you accountable in your goals.

    4. Always remind yourself of your goals and dreams.

    Sometimes when we get off track, we let it happen because we lose sight of our goals. They’re covered up by the more immediate stuff: what to cook for dinner, weekend plans, TV shows, social media. Without being reminded of our goals, it’s easy to keep pushing them off to another day.

    I’m a visual person, so when I set goals for myself, I use charts, vision boards, even a list of key words or quotes on an index card, taped to my mirror. Having daily reminders of my goals makes it harder to fall into the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ trap.

    —

    So start with that single step. Make a vow and even if you break that vow, keep coming back. Come back one thousand times, but always come back.

    Dreamer image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Striving for Happiness and Start Practicing It Now

    Stop Striving for Happiness and Start Practicing It Now

    Happy People

    “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu

    It all started when one of my boys asked me if I was happy, and of course I answered yes.

    Why wouldn’t I be happy? I have a handsome and kind husband, two boys of which I am very proud, I had a successful business, I had a house I loved, I was surrounded by friends, I was a sought after speaker in my community, and blah blah blah.

    Then my son asked why I didn’t have fun anymore. I began defending my happiness to him, explaining all the reasons why I was happy, and I began to realize I wasn’t really happy at all. I was “surface” happy.

    It was that day, almost four years ago, that I started my journey toward finding happiness. Needless to say, there were plenty of bumps in the road.

    The problem was that in typical “type A” fashion, I wanted happiness right then. I did my research and found things that made people happier, like spending time with friends and reducing stress. I made a bunch of changes that were supposed to make me happier but in the end only caused my stress levels to rise.

    It didn’t take long before I realized my quest for happiness made things worse. I spent more time worrying about trying to be happy then just allowing myself the freedom to feel happy. Bottom line: trying to be happy was stressing me out.

    Then my husband lost his job and we were in jeopardy of losing our house. With the circumstances surrounding us, my worry and stress were kicked into high gear. And instead of moving toward happiness, I felt as if I was moving further away.

    Things were getting a bit desperate when my husband was offered his dream job in Bangkok, Thailand. Yes, the same Thailand that is located halfway around the world. I fought it, I ignored it, and I laughed at it, but most of all I worried about it.

    Moving that far away was inconceivable to me. We had two teenagers, a home, and family and friends in a town we loved. How could we just leave?

    With little choice, off to Thailand we went with two suitcases each and my fingers crossed for a smooth transition. Soon after our arrival in Thailand, my life was shattered. I received a phone call from my sister telling me that my brother had been murdered.

    Twenty-seven years ago, my other sister’s life was cut too short because of a car accident. I physically did not think I could endure this pain again. My heart had yet to heal and now the hole in it just got bigger. 

    I immediately headed home to be with mom, leaving my husband and the boys behind, when what I wanted most was to hold them tight.

    It was a very surreal time. It was like I was watching someone else’s life as I went through the motions of supporting my mother, accepting condolences, and trying to wrap my head around all that was going on.

    It is always tragic to lose a loved one, but to have a loved one murdered takes grief to a whole new level.

    The time came for me to head back across the globe and back to my boys. It became clear I couldn’t go back as a barely functioning mother, and I knew my boys would learn about adversity and grief through my example.

    I took the time to re-evaluate my quest for happiness that I started what seemed like a lifetime ago. This time though, I started with some small actions instead of tackling everything at once. Here’s how I did it.

    Practice Gratitude

    You’ve probably read by now that gratitude has the power to change your life. It’s hard to imagine something so simple having such a big impact. It’s also hard to imagine why more people don’t do it.

    I wanted to practice gratitude, I really did, but it always seemed an inconvenient thing to do as I crawled into bed. I had to figure out a way to remind myself to do it every night before my head hit the pillow, because once I crawled into bed all bets were off.

    It dawned on me that I went into the bathroom every night, so I put my journal in the bathroom next to my toothbrush. Not the most glamorous place to write in your journal, but it worked.

    As I brushed my teeth, the journal beckoned and soon it became automatic, better known as a habit. A habit that was helping me focus on the good in my life.

    I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving and supportive family, have meaningful friendships for encouragement and guidance, and my boys have kind hearts. And that’s just the beginning of my list.

    I learned that even in the midst of the darkest day, there are moments of light. Sometimes you just have to search a little harder. Quiet your mind and look for it. Believe me, you will find something wonderful that fills you with gratitude.

    Trust That Things Will Work

    I am not going to lie; trusting that everything will work out is scary and hard—very, very hard. But it does. It might not work out the way you intended, but it usually works out somehow.

    It’s hard to break the habit of worrying because there is no visual cue around the stuff in your head. When I worried, I noticed I played with my hair. I admit I play with my hair when I’m not worried too, but my hands hang out in my hair more when I am.

    Now every time I play with my hair, I ask myself what I am worrying about. Then I remind myself to trust that whatever happens, I can handle it, and I probably will become stronger and happier because of it.

    Look for cues that indicate you might be worrying and when you encounter them, talk yourself through the process. Create a mantra for yourself that calms your mind and helps you release your worry. Your self-talk may take longer in the beginning, but keep at because eventually your mind will get on board.

    Choose Happiness

    I quickly found wanting happiness isn’t enough. You have to choose it and work for it.

    I added one more step to gratitude practice. At the end of the day I began setting my intention for the next day—something that will make me take time to enjoy the moment.

    My first intention was to take pictures of flowers because flowers make me smile. Then afterward, I wrote about how my intention made me feel and added things that filled my heart with gratitude.

    An intention might be something as simple as watching an inspirational video or smiling at a stranger. The key is to choose something that will make your day brighter.

    I learned many things during the first year following my brother’s murder. I learned about forgiveness, grief, and true friendship, but the most powerful thing I learned was that I was in control of how I felt every day

    Practicing gratitude, trusting things will work out, and setting intentions has led me to create my own definition of happiness, a definition that is just right for me.

    Take the time to experiment with practices that work for you. Everyone goes through dark times, but you can find happiness in the midst of darkness by committing to the practices that work for you.

    Happiness image via Shutterstock

  • How to Get Lasting Results: The 4 Laws of Permanent Change

    How to Get Lasting Results: The 4 Laws of Permanent Change

    “Sometimes, it’s the smallest decisions that change your life forever.” ~Keri Russell

    Seven years ago I was that athletic, hyperactive person you could look at and admire.

    I was madly in love with cardio, and I could easily work out twice a day, six days a week, without a single complaint, not to mention jogging at 6:00AM five days each week.

    In college I went through lots of rough times, especially in my senior year. I was always stressed, I procrastinated a lot, and I couldn’t care less about working out, until one day I woke up and realized that I had gained forty-six pounds in less than a year.

    In just twelve months, I found myself transforming into a less attractive, obese young man who couldn’t breathe properly or even fit into an old pair of jeans. I also had stress problems and a non-stop bad temper.

    I tried hard to get back on track and get my old self back again, but with so much stress in my life, it was only a matter of days until I gave up and went back to my bad eating habits.

    I would plan my diet, stick to it for a couple of day or weeks, and then give up. Working out was no longer easy for me, the gym was boring, and healthy food was unbearable.

    For seven consecutive years I faced lots of difficulties and tried to lose weight more than 100 times. All failed. I was desperate, I was helpless, and I felt stuck, until one day I asked myself:

    Why don’t I start small?

    Why don’t I forget about doing too many things at once, and change only one thing and see what happens next?

    Why don’t I just go to the gym—without caring about how much I eat, how much weight I lift, how fast I run, and without even sticking myself to a specific schedule?

    Why don’t I just put my shoes on and walk myself to the gym three days every week, and consider my daily goal done once I step into the gym. No more doubts and no more worries—I’ll just try to be someone who goes to the gym more often.

    I did it, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

    In a matter of three months, I have lost thirty-eight pounds, gained control over my life, and become more disciplined. And junk food has finally no control over me.

    I did that by following a set of universal laws that most people neglect when trying to change their lives. I strongly believe that if you manage to follow these universal laws, changing your life is guaranteed.

    I have summarized them in four simple rules that are applicable to almost all types of human behavior. Whether you’re trying to lose weight or build self-confidence, follow these four rules and you will see results.

    Rule 1: Make it easy to start.

    I asked myself: What are the obstacles that make me hate going to the gym?

    The answer was:

    • Feeling bad when I fail to reach the specific number of reps for each exercise, or when I don’t lift a lot of weight.
    • Feeling bad when I can’t push myself to run on a treadmill.
    • Feeling like I’m not disciplined enough and I lack control over my life whenever I miss a workout (even if I have a busy schedule).

    So I decided to eliminate all the obstacles and make it easy to go to the gym consistently.

    I knew that if I kept lifting weights and running even with 50% of my strength, my body would change and I would see progress. That’s why I decided to:

    • Lift only what I could, especially when I wasn’t in the mood to lift a lot of weight.
    • Do only what I could when it came to cardio. If the ideal intense cardio workout is made of four intervals, then I’d be satisfied if I did two or more.
    • Be less strict with timing. I’d hit the gym any day at anytime, as long as I go there at least three times each week.

    I did that and I realized something very strange. When I dropped the stress off my shoulders, I started to lift more weight, run faster, and go the extra mile in almost all of my workouts. And that made me stick to the habit more than ever because I made it easy for myself to progress.

    If you want to see results, you must make it so easy to start that there is no place for thoughts of quitting or backing up. Life is already hard. Don’t make it harder.

    Rule 2: It`s all about consistency.

    No matter who you are, you will have some sort of resistance to change. This resistance is at its minimum when you introduce change into your life step by step until it becomes a part of who you are, or face any kind of emotional trauma or a situation when change is a must (like losing your job or getting a divorce).

    Since you don’t want to put yourself in a traumatic situation, and because your reasons are sometimes not strong enough to weaken your inner resistance immediately, the best way to change your lifestyle is by starting small and being consistent.

    Focus on one—and only one—thing to change at a time (so you don’t stir up your inner resistance) and take consistent actions toward this goal until you have a new way of life.

    Take my dieting example:

    It was hard for me to exercise regularly and introduce a healthy lifestyle to my daily routine, so I changed only one variable (going to the gym) and left the rest unchanged. Within a month I found myself changing my eating habits completely without feeling bad about it.

    Why? Because being a gym-goer had changed the image I had of myself, which made overeating seem less exciting.

    I simply didn’t want to lose the calories I’d worked hard to burn in the gym on a can of soda or a cheeseburger.

    Consider change as a snowball; all you need is to build a small ball, clear the path, and let the ball roll.

    Start small now and build on it. It’s the tortoise that wins in real life, not the lazy rabbit.

    Stop trying to revolutionize your life in a single shot. Small and consistent is what you need to explode.

    Rule 3: You never start at the end line.

    When playing a new video game, the best way to show fast progress is to start at the amateur mode and get used to it for sometime before you move to the pro level.

    The same goes with real change; you start at the bottom in the amateur mode and keep progressing until you become a pro.

    Your goal is to move from the beginner level to the pro one fast and safe, and to do so you must know that:

    • When you demand too much too early, you lose.
    • When you be over-judgmental and beat yourself up too often, you lose.
    • And when you choose perfection over progress, you still lose.

    Don’t look far and forget where you’re stepping. You have two eyes; keep one on the sky and the other one under your feet.

    Rule 4: Regret is a complete waste of time.

    I had my moments of relapsing. I have cheated many times but I haven’t allowed such mistakes to ruin my diet because I realized that regret is useless.

    When changing your life, keep in mind that it’s immediate action that fixes a mistake, not crying over it. It is your reaction toward a mistake that counts, not the mistake itself.

    Get over your mistakes fast, and you will be amazed by how far you will go with your life.

  • Things Change When You Do (and Small Changes Add Up)

    Things Change When You Do (and Small Changes Add Up)

    Man breathing deeply

    “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” ~Victor Hugo

    A year-and-a-half ago, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Every day, I felt like I was travelling through an endless tunnel. The only way I could fall asleep was by pretending that I was dying.

    My life felt pointless. I felt like I was on the wrong path. The combination of my two mental illnesses made me feel like I was a prisoner in my own body, like I could not control my brain.

    Since this point in time, a lot has changed. My surroundings have changed, my friends have changed, and, most importantly, I have changed.

    It is important for me to mention that these things did not change because someone else forced my life in a different direction. These things did not change because I read a self-help book that inspired me to turn everything around.

    These things changed because, every day, for the past year-and-a-half, I have gotten out of bed with the intention to make small changes in my life.

    These small changes, like microscopic pieces of dirt, added up. They became a mountain of positivity. I would like to share the changes that I have made, with the hope that they will inspire you to be your own hero or heroine, to make your own destiny.

    Take care of yourself first.

    Take a moment to think about how much technology influences your life. How often do you reach for your phone? Are you ever woken up by your phone’s pings and vibrations? Is your computer always on?

    For a long time, I would wake up and reach for my phone or computer. I would anxiously check my messages before I had even washed my face or brushed my teeth.

    Technology prevents us from living in the moment, in the here and now. It prevents us from taking care of ourselves first, especially if you are programmed to instantly respond to the sound of a phone call or text message (like I was).

    Before I go to bed, I turn my laptop off and put my phone on airplane mode. If I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep, I avoid all electronic devices. Instead, I grab a book or meditate.

    In the morning, I wake up. I make myself a cup of tea, eat a healthy breakfast, wash my face, brush my teeth, and do whatever else I need to do to feel ready to face the day.

    Yes, it is hard at first and, yes, avoiding my phone does make me anxious sometimes. But, practice makes perfect. The more we focus on taking care of ourselves, the better able we are to handle the ups and downs of everyday life.

    Start going outside.

    This morning I sat on my front porch with a cup of tea and my dog by my side. I sat there and admired my surroundings, watching cars go by. I even wrote some poetry and doodled away on index cards.

    Spending more time outside reminded me that there is so much to be grateful for. It reminded me that I am a part of something bigger, that I matter.

    The combination of fresh air and sunlight on your skin can work wonders. Feeling the fragrant grass beneath you makes you feel present. Allowing the wind to blow your hair in all directions reminds you that there is something magical about the world that we live in.

    When I am outside, I can let go and let nature take control. I can become a part of the world. In other words, I can let go of my anxiety and just be.

    Pave your own path.

    Growing up, people would always tell me, “Anna, sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do.” The problem with this saying is that I had interpreted it all wrong. I had interpreted it as, “Anna, sometimes you have to be unhappy.”

    Yes, there are days when we have to go out of our way to set things in motion. There are days when we have to pay bills, clean our car, and walk our dog even though we are tired.

    But it is important to remember that we should never live our lives in a manner that makes us continually unhappy. We should never work in an office that makes us miserable. We should never do what other people tell us to do because it will “make us money” or “be the right thing.”

    If painting makes you happy, paint. If writing makes you happy, write. If getting up on a stage and dancing makes you happy, do that.

    So what if everyone else is doing something different? So what if people say that you will never make it? At least you will be happy.

    Once you start writing your own story, you will realize that what everyone else is doing does not matter. You will realize that, yes, some days are hard, but, overall, you would not have it any other way.

    Laugh it off.

    For a long time, I cared a lot about what others thought. I dressed a certain way, acted a certain way, and did certain things because I wanted others to think that I was perfect.

    The funny thing is, I succeeded. People thought that I was perfect. That is when I learned that “perfect” does not mean “happy.”

    Slowly, but surely, I adjusted my idea of perfection. Instead of thinking of perfection as this robotic, unflawed form of living, I started to think of perfection as simply living my life: making mistakes, laughing, acting weird, and being myself.

    As someone that used to rely on other people’s opinions, this was hard for me. Over time, I had to learn a hard lesson: not everyone is going to like you and that is okay.

    Replacing my feelings of insecurity with feelings of humor helped a lot. Every time I felt insecure and needy, I laughed. I laughed at the fact that I am weird, goofy, and a little bit crazy. I laughed at the fact that life can be a bumpy ride.

    They say that “laughter is medicine,” and they are right. Laughter can heal even the deepest wounds of insecurity.

    If all else fails, ask for help.

    Going to therapy was scary. Telling a stranger about my problems was difficult. Describing the way that I felt was exhausting.

    But, you want to know something? It all worked out in the end. Therapy made me feel better, it made me feel refreshed and as if I had released all of the negativity from my being.

    Asking for help does not make you weak. As someone who used to be afraid to leave the house, I can say that asking for help took a lot of strength. It can be just as hard as getting up in the morning to face the day.

    The thing about asking for help is that it is a way of saying, “I am not giving up on myself.” To me, that is one the bravest statement of them all.

    I would like to leave you with my favorite quote:

    “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill

    Man breathing deeply image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Things to Keep You Going When You’re Stressed at Work

    4 Things to Keep You Going When You’re Stressed at Work

    Man Meditating at Work

    “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” ~Charles Swindoll

    I remember working at a job where I absolutely could not do anything right.

    This was one of those jobs where it was extremely fast paced and you received 100 tons of work that must be completed by an unrealistic deadline. And here’s the kicker: your time at work was spent in meetings, all day. I’m talking about four to seven hours of your day. You get the picture.

    So you may ask when I had time to do the work. Unfortunately, after work hours, in the evenings at home or on the weekends, when I was supposed to be spending time with my family.

    Now don’t get me wrong, at times I was able to steal a half hour to an hour on the job to work on tasks that needed to be completed; however, I found it tough to consistently focus and devote my undivided attention when I was shifting gears all day, every day.

    It almost seemed impossible to win against an environment of nonstop “busyness” with no real progression in sight. I was losing fast.

    I did not perform well during my time there and did not have the impact I thought I would and wanted to have in my work, and within the organization. I failed (or so it seemed to me).

    One day, I finally decided it was time for me to leave. While I initially had mixed emotions about leaving, I knew I wasn’t helping myself by staying at the organization; I was totally out of balance!

    I needed to breathe, I was drowning at work, too busy doing the work at home, not fully paying attention to my daughter, and I became a stressed out monster, having emotional meltdowns far too often.

    Upon leaving, I received a card from my department staff and some people shared their reflections with me, which revealed that I had done so much more than what I knew. How could I have shared my light with others after falling short in my role?

    What I learned is, people are always watching how you respond and react in tough situations. Your character is revealed when going through darkness.

    I was able to reach out to others and bring out the best in them through in-depth conversations during supervision or in morning talks with colleagues. Even though I was dying inside, I always came to work with positive attitude, a smile, and people picked up on that energy.

    I provided guidance to some with their career goals, assisted with developing their voice and professionalism in the work environment. I had somehow helped others become acclimated to the job and feel like they were productive and contributed.

    When I reflected on what kept me going, I remembered the four things listed below were key:

    1. Shift gears with your thoughts.

    We can control our thoughts by monitoring them, and when we find ourselves having negative thoughts, change it to something positive. With self-talk we can be proactive and plant the thoughts we want.

    For example, there were times I would feel sick before heading into the office and I told myself how much I hated being there. But changing my thought from “I don’t want to be here” to “What can I do to help someone today?” allowed me to open myself up to the possibilities for each day.

    2. Meditation is key.

    Spend at least ten minutes in the morning quiet and doing nothing before starting your work; prepare your mind for the day. A prepared mind will help you to sustain the stresses that life will place on you. You will feel the pressure, but when you are mentally prepared it will be much easier to cope with them.

    3. Get pumped up.

    Before heading into the office listen to a song that motivates you, makes you feel good, and will push you. This can be your song of the day to play at your desk to keep you going. Two of my songs were “Happy” by Pharrell and “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.

    4. It is what it is.

    When challenges are out of your control at work, don’t beat yourself up. Accept what it is. By accepting the things that you have no control over, you will have the energy to concentrate on the things that you can control. You will end up maintaining your happiness, and perhaps even your sanity.

    When you find yourself in a situation where there’s too much that you simply cannot accept, or that is unhealthy to accept, it is time to take responsibility for making a change. Instead of staying in a situation that will build bitterness and resentment, start looking for something new that will contribute more positively to your life.

    —

    In the end, through my unhappiness, I had somehow been encouraging, supportive, and motivating to others. I shared my sense of humor and brought out the humor in others. In what I deemed as a professional failing nightmare, I unknowingly had brought positive energy and a boost to others.

    How you respond in tough situations may unknowingly help others, as well.

    Man meditating at work image via Shutterstock

  • Fear Is Inevitable but It Doesn’t Have to Paralyze Us

    Fear Is Inevitable but It Doesn’t Have to Paralyze Us

    Man on Edge of Cliff

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    I woke up with a knot at the pit of my stomach, yet again. For as long as I could remember, I carried this intangible lump inside me. It went with me everywhere.

    I am fairly certain it woke up with me, and there was a small span of time when I was in the deepest of sleep when it took a break.

    Terrified—that’s how I felt all the time. Muscles taut and butterflies in my stomach. I was a wreck, ready for a meltdown anytime. It was many years later that I could put a name to it. It was fear.

    Through my teens and twenties, I tried to cope with fear of different kinds—fear of public speaking, fear of authority in school and at work, fear of displeasing someone, fear of saying “no,” fear of not being loved or appreciated, fear of my own shortcomings and their implications on my life…

    The list was very long and I couldn’t articulate it then, which made life much harder.

    Recognition of a problem is always the first step, and it was eluding me. Fear confused me because I could never point it out as that.

    We are not taught how to recognize and deal with fear in schools. (I really wish we were.) It was merely a “physically uncomfortable feeling.” “One day I will figure out what the hell this is.” That’s all I could muster at that time.

    Fear defined me. Omnipresent and overpowering, it was constantly present.

    I never thought I could reach out for help. Approach my parents with a “Mom, Dad, I suffer from great fear—fear of everything”? Nah! And coming out to friends would make me look weak or not good enough. Not happening!

    I often wondered if other people faced anything similar, or was it just me. It isolated me to a corner.

    Then one day, I stood up from the corner. Fear had consumed far too much of my time and I was tired of running from it. And frankly, I didn’t know what else to do.

    I started reading books on fear, watched any video I could find online on the topic, and journaling about my feelings. Devouring every piece of information I could find, I was ready to defeat it. Surprisingly, I started the process of understanding fear instead.

    And then came the AHA moment—the realization that I don’t need to protect myself from fear; I just need to accept it and then let go.

    It comforted me to know that it’s a universal phenomenon and that everybody, including the most successful people in the world, suffer from fear. I was not the only one after all. When fear came in, I knew it was normal to feel it, and the question then was: What am I going to do with it?

    Fear hasn’t left me yet. It drops by every chance it gets. But it’s no longer an enemy. It’s now a sticky friend who needs to be skillfully managed.

    Fear will never not be there, just like different experiences will always bring about the same gamut of emotions in us.

    Fear is largely based on the truths we have told ourselves. It’s a direct outcome of historic data in our minds, making millions of permutations and combinations of stories that may have nothing to do with our lives.

    One step that really helped in my journey was to question the underlying truth every time I experienced fear. A hundred percent of the time, I realized I completely made it up. I made up my “truths.”

    Slowly and steadily, I started changing the building blocks in my mind. For example, if I don’t say my “yes” to my boss for one more piece of work, he will not shoot me!

    Or, if I say “no” to my friend’s invitation, she will not hate me forever. (And even if she does, what’s the underlying truth there?)

    These things are just not factual or realistic; they’re at best hypothetical. The trick is to be honest about the underlying data we harbor. Once that cat is out of the bag, fear is vulnerable.

    What can we do?

    Separate yourself from your fear.

    The first big win is to recognize fear as a separate entity than us. This helps us with objectivity, which is precious in these situations.

    Accept fear.

    Know that fear will always try to sneak in. That’s just what it does. How we respond to it is in our hands.

    Study your fear.

    Really study it. What are you feeling? What is fear threatening you with this time? Is it really true that this can happen? If it does happen, what will it really do to you? Can you deal with what will happen?

    Connect with your soul.

    As long as we are centered and grounded, our soul will guide us. All fear finds its genesis in the risk of losing our lives. When we are really connected to our soul, we realize how formless and indestructible our true selves are. And that sets us free.

    How do we connect with our soul? Silence, prayer, and meditation are three tools that I bring into my days as much as I can. They help me ground and bring alignment into my life

    Last but not the least, be amused.

    Be amused by the heaviness it brings to our lives out of events that may be insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. Being late to a meeting, an uncomfortable conversation, failure of all kinds, they are never really as catastrophic as we make them out to be.

    A more balanced perspective will guide us through those trying times when fear gets the better of us. Let’s understand fear better instead of letting it control us. Life is too short and too beautiful to give in.

    Man on the edge of a cliff image via Shutterstock

  • A Reason to Forgive Your Parents (And How to Soften Your Anger)

    A Reason to Forgive Your Parents (And How to Soften Your Anger)

    “If you cannot forgive and forget, pick one.” ~Robert Brault

    I used to hate my parents.

    I despised them. I blamed them for most of my issues.

    I couldn’t do what I wanted to do in life because they would disapprove of it. I couldn’t be a cop or firefighter because those professions didn’t make enough money. I could only study a major that would be beneficial in getting me a job and not one that they thought was pointless, such as psychology or sociology.

    I hated my dad for never being there when I was a child. I hated him for always getting angry with me and yelling at me and making me go to my room to cry by myself.

    I hated my mom for not sticking up for me. I hated her for not sticking up for herself when my dad would yell at her. I loathed her for her laziness and blamed her for my own because she didn’t teach me to work hard on a task and to persevere through the tough times.

    For a few years I felt this intense dislike of them and never told them. My anger kept building and building, and you know who had to live with it and deal with it? I did.

    I smiled happily toward them and the outside world, but inside I was dying a slow death.

    Dwelling in anger and hate is like drinking a poison that slowly destroys your insides and kills you. There’s a reason why the Jedis in Star Wars say that anger and hate lead you to the dark side.

    The reason is because it will eventually cause you to lash out and cause damage to the people around you.

    And that’s what happened to me. My façade of happiness crashed down upon me after a few rough weeks during my junior year of college. I had a meltdown and attempted suicide.

    Most people will not act as extremely as I did, but that doesn’t mean their pain is any less than mine. I see others who carry lifelong anger and hatred toward their parents because of their childhoods.

    It’s a burden they carry with them, and they cope with it different ways, whether it’s through addiction, working too much, or something else that slowly erodes their insides because they fail to address the anger and hatred there.

    I struggled immensely after my suicide attempt. That first year, though, was when I started to realize something that would change my life for the better.

    Anger and hatred mainly affect the person holding them because they are the one who destroys their life and relationship because of it. You don’t forgive for others’ sake; you forgive for your own.

    When I realized this, I started on the long journey that is forgiveness.

    I wish I could say it is like the movies, but it isn’t, at least not in my experience.

    I have found that forgiveness takes a continual effort over weeks, sometimes months. It’s something you have to consciously do every time your anger arises.

    Your anger and hatred fade away over time as you consciously reframe your thoughts and feelings to ones of forgiveness.

    I started by first writing in my journal about what my parents didn’t give me when I was a child. I don’t mean things; I mean love, affection, and guidance.

    I then started to give myself those things.

    And then I learned how to see things from my parents’ angle and have compassion toward them.

    I realized that their parents didn’t give them all that they needed. I saw that they were just trying their best and they were human like me, which meant that they had flaws and made mistakes.

    I saw that they were every bit as lost as most of us are at times, because life has no guidebook.

    I saw the little child within them.

    As I started to forgive them, I became warmer toward them and appreciated them more. I started to say “I love you” to them, and surprisingly my dad started to say it back. He had never really said it to me before.

    I eventually had a semi-movie moment with my father after months of working on myself. I told him that I hated him for the longest time, that I know he was just trying his best, and that I forgave him for his mistakes. I told him I understood that I was an adult now and was responsible for my future and myself.

    My relationship with him changed dramatically after that moment.

    It isn’t super intimate but it’s better than it ever was. My father has said “I love you” to me without me saying it first. We smile at each other and have made each other laugh.

    I have become close with my mother after forgiving her. I trust her and confide in her about the struggles I go through. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

    I love them both very deeply and none of this would have happened if I didn’t learn to forgive.

    Learn to forgive others if not for their sake, for yours.

    I have learned that as I change for the better, so do all of the relationships in my life.

  • 6 Mindful Ways to Calm Your Mind and Heal Your Heart

    6 Mindful Ways to Calm Your Mind and Heal Your Heart

    “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” –Marianne Williamson

    As the last moments of my thirties are fading away, I’m preparing for the dawn of a new age, the age at which life is said to begin.

    I’m like a butterfly preparing to break free from her chrysalis into the light, ready to spread her wings and feel what it is to be free—a freedom that has been born from six long months of deep introspection.

    The catalyst for this journey of introspection was the breaking of my heart. Such a wonderful thing to experience at this stage in life, as without breaking it completely, it would never have opened.

    It was hardened from many old wounds, scars from a turbulent past. It was shattered with such astounding glory that it felt as though I would remain forever broken. Forever disconnected from myself and the wonder that lives inside each and every one of us.

    As I watched the pieces of my hardened heart crumble to dust, I found something buried deep within. A consciousness that I had never before felt or experienced, and yet felt very familiar. I stood in this new found consciousness and witnessed the feelings, the pain, the fear.

    I witnessed them with great clarity as though I had been awakened for the first time. Thirty-nine years had passed since my birth and yet I stood in the wake of my heartache feeling like I had been awoken from the deepest life-long sleep.

    Within a few days of this awakening, I found myself walking through the doors of a yoga studio that I had not visited before. Something about the ambiance made me feel like I had come home.

    I paid for the next available class—Energize Yoga. This was a Kundalini yoga class, a style I had never tried before. The class involved a lot of breathing with rhythmic movement.

    We all lay on our backs with legs and arms raised in the air. We were instructed to shake our legs and arms from side to side to the beat of some loud dance music which was getting faster and faster. All the while we had to breathe out forcefully; this was difficult and made no sense to me.

    After five minutes of this nonsense, the music stopped. We were instructed to put our legs and arms down and to laugh as hard as we could. It was easy to laugh, as what we had been doing seemed a little crazy; however, I was not prepared for the laughter and what it would bring.

    The energy that spilled out of my body as my laugh got deeper was like the pulse of electricity straight from a socket, almost causing my core muscles to spasm. I laughed a loud bubbly laugh which came all the way from the very core of my being.

    I left the studio with a monthly pass and a renewed enthusiasm for life. My heart was still broken, my senses still in shock, but the clarity of vision in my newly awakened state made it feel like I was watching the chaos as an observer rather than being consumed by it.

    I could still feel panicked waves of desperation pulse through my body. Depressed at what had passed and anxious at what was yet to come, I could see clearly that there was fear deeply rooted in my soul.

    The pain, the fear, the anxiety, it made me want to climb out of my own skin. To seek refuge in some external place as though my body were just an avatar. As I witnessed all these feelings and emotions wash over me in waves, I felt something was profoundly different.

    I’d dealt with previous heartbreaks by suppressing the painful feelings or distracting myself with work, parties, and avoidance of time alone. This time was different. Instead of suppressing the feelings or distracting myself, I allowed myself to just be.

    I still felt afraid. Afraid of living, afraid of dying, afraid of my pain, afraid of my emotions. On a cold morning in February, I decided to symbolically challenge my fears. I had a fear of height and of open water.

    I traveled back to Ireland, and with the guidance and encouragement of two dear friends, I jumped from a pier into the icy cold waters of Carlingford bay. As I emerged from the icy cold waters, I again felt very alive.

    I proved to myself that no fear is greater than the strength within. I knew then that I would be okay, maybe even better than okay. My life would never be the same again.

    When my heart broke, I woke up and found myself. In losing a love that meant everything to me, I found that everything I need is within me and always has been.

    I stopped looking outwardly for approval. I dove into myself. I dug up all that I had buried, every skeleton in my closet. I looked face-on at the parts of myself that I didn’t like. I opened every wound I had ever allowed myself to carry.

    I walked myself through every negative memory and imagined I were back there in that day/time when the memory was my reality. For each and every situation I observed through my new found consciousness, I could clearly see my part.

    I accepted responsibility for my part in all of these situations. I sat with every emotion that came my way, not judging or criticizing, just observing and allowing it to just be.

    I cried when I needed to cry, laughed when I felt like laughing and felt more peaceful with each passing day.

    I began meditation in April and found that it brought a calmness and sense of peace that was new to my experience. Epiphany after epiphany came to me as I learned about myself and my layers.

    I continued to do yoga and meditation while working through the rainbow of emotions that made up my day. The flip-flopping between my past and my future slowed as I found myself becoming more present and living in the moment.

    The more at peace I have become, the more I want to share what I have learned, as I believe everyone deserves to feel this peace.

    1. Start with your breath.

    A great way to become conscious when your mind starts to wander is to focus on your breath.

    You can practice yogic pranayama exercises with the guidance of a good teacher but more basic than that, just stop and breathe! Deep calming breaths are proven to calm an anxious mind and have a positive impact on depression.

    2. Observe your thoughts.

    The mind is constantly full of thoughts. Attaching to negative thoughts creates suffering. Remember that just because you think something doesn’t mean that it’s true. Byron Katie’s four questions can be a helpful tool when dealing with negative thoughts.

    3. Remember that you are not your emotions.

    Regardless if how high or low you feel, the roller-coaster of emotions you feel is not you. You are much more than that.

    Try to stop when you feel overwhelmed by emotion. Observe how your body feels. Are your shoulders tense? Is your breathing shallow? Come back to your breath. Breathe into the parts of the body where you feel the physical expression of the emotion.

    4. Stay in your present reality.

    The more present and mindful you can be, the less you will suffer. A good practice for mindfulness is to do regular things differently. Hold your toothbrush in the alternate hand. Drive a different route to work. Switch your knife with your fork. You get the idea!

    When you stress over the past or worry about the future, stop! Breathe and come back to the present. Remember always that this too shall pass.

    5. Validate yourself.

    Don’t look to others for validation. Everything you need is inside you. Forgive yourself for your wrongdoings. Give yourself all the love you need. If you have difficulty with this, treat yourself as you would your dearest friend.

    I was my own worst critic and harshest judge until I began to practice self-validation and self-love.

    6. Be patient and persistent.

    Healing your heart won’t happen overnight. We are creatures of habit; negative habits take time to break. Rewriting of neural pathways takes time. Your body and mind need time to adjust when you make changes.

    When you feel like you have taken a step backwards, just breathe and reconnect with yourself. The duality that exists between the heart and the mind can be bridged once you remain conscious and aware. Persistence will keep you on the right track.

    As I write this, I feel excited for the life ahead—ready for the highs and the lows, and willing to greet each situation from a conscious state in the present moment.

    I am opening my heart to the world, a heart that has come back together from the dust, void of past scars. Ready to live, ready to love, ready to breathe!

  • Life is a Gift: How to Enjoy It and Find Happiness After a Tragic Loss

    Life is a Gift: How to Enjoy It and Find Happiness After a Tragic Loss

    Man Enjoying the Moment

    “If we could see that everything, even tragedy, is a gift in disguise, we would then find the best way to nourish the soul.” ~Elizabeth Kubler Ross

    Sometimes a tragedy can give new energy to life and bring awareness we have been living on autopilot.

    I still remember the night like it was yesterday. It was late and my husband and I had just turned off the light when my phone rang. It was my aunt saying my dad pushed his life alert and was transported to the hospital.

    I fumbled to find my clothes and hurried to the car. The drive to the hospital was a blur. I found my dad in the emergency room smiling. He proudly told me the “people” wouldn’t leave his house, so he pushed the button on his necklace for help.

    My dad suffered from Lewy Bodies Dementia. It is a fast acting dementia that includes hallucinations, sleeping disorders, and mental decline.

    When my dad pushed his life alert button on my advice, it was the precursor to his tragic death. I felt like it was my fault.

    I told him to push his button whenever he needed help and we weren’t around. On this night, the hallucinations were bad enough for him to push the button just like I asked him to do.

    Once transported to the hospital, he was admitted for observation and regulation of his medicine. The wrong medication was prescribed and my father never recovered. He eventually slipped into a coma and passed away.

    When tragic events happen, they are not our fault. It is human nature to blame ourselves when in reality there is nothing we could have done differently to change the outcome.

    Still, at the time my mind was tormented. If I had only been there, if I had taken him to the doctor sooner, if I had known they were going to change his medicine. The what if’s were the hardest part.

    Stages of grief will come and go. Allow yourself to embrace the stages as you move through them. They are part of the healing process that eventually brings a sense of happiness.

    After my Dad’s death I went through the many stages of grief. Not in any order. I bounced from stage to stage and back again.

    The death of a loved one is a personal journey. No two people go through it the same way.

    Some people internalize emotions and try to work through them alone. Others go through the stages of grief for all to see. Some ignore the emotions and never find closure. Ignoring pain deprives your soul of the nourishment a loss can bring.

    Regardless of how you navigate the stages of grief, it is the right way.

    For me, it was a combination. I worked through most of it privately, but sometimes I needed to talk. I reflected a lot. I remembered happy times and times I wished I could take back.

    I went through his belongings reflectively and learned much about him. He kept beanies, pictures of classmates, and perfect attendance pins from grade school. I found them, along with every card I had ever given him. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, just because cards. All placed together in a drawer like they were great treasures.

    I felt overwhelmingly loved. It was at that time I was hit with an epiphany.

    It would make him sad to know that I blamed myself. He wanted me to be happy.

    When a tragic event happens, it is not our fault. The best thing we can do is honor the person we lost by living our lives to the fullest. After all, wouldn’t that be our wish for them?

    A peace came over me. It was clear. I understood that I was supposed to honor him by living my life to the fullest, appreciating every waking moment and all of the people around me that make my life special.

    Life is a gift. We never know when or how it will end. To honor ourselves, and those that love us, it is important to be true to ourselves and do the things that bring us happiness.

    I started doing the things that I had always wanted to do. I finished college, began writing, signed up for Jon Morrow’s course on guest blogging to help polish my skills, traveled more, and tried new things.

    I also learned that stopping to appreciate the small things around me. I saw them before but on autopilot. I never really stopped to appreciate their beauty.

    Through this tragedy I have found the keys to happiness: love yourself, appreciate the little things, forgive yourself for things that have already happened, and show love all those around as if it were your last day.

    Although this was a time of great sadness, it was also an unexpected time of personal growth, which resulted in a more meaningful life.

    As a result of this tragedy, I learned how to appreciate life and the people who love me, but most of all, I learned how to love myself and grant myself forgiveness.

    I think my Dad would be proud of me. I see him every time I look in the mirror. When I smile, it is him smiling back at me.

    Man enjoying the moment image via Shutterstock

  • Keep Hope Alive: How To Help Someone Who’s Struggling

    Keep Hope Alive: How To Help Someone Who’s Struggling

    “He who has health has hope and he who has hope has everything.” ~Proverb

    I write this today seemingly healthy.

    My doctors say I’m healthy. I feel healthy. I look healthy. But over the last six months this was not the case.

    In April of this year I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma. I am thirty-five years old. I am a wife and a mother to a four-year-old and six-year-old. I have my own business. I am busy. I did not have time for cancer.

    But cancer had time for me.

    I’ll never forget the day that I got the call letting me know that not only did I have this “Melanoma,” but it had spread to my lymph nodes as well. More surgery and an immunotherapy called “interferon” would be necessary, and the rate of return even after treatment? Thirty percent.

    The first response inside of me was acceptance. I skipped past all the other emotions because, well, quite frankly, I had so long neglected the mole on my neck that I knew when the whole process started that cancer (and an advanced one at that) was likely.

    But I’m not here to talk about cancer today. I’m here to talk about hope. A hope that springs eternal in the name of community. A rallying around me of family, friends, and even strangers upon this diagnosis. A support system that boldly lifted me and my mindset through every step of the way.

    Dinners, childcare, cards, surprises on my doorstep, texts, calls, long-term visits—this community that I’m so very blessed with rallied in a big way, in a way I never, ever thought possible.

    Even in my darkest and sickest of hours there was always something to be hopeful for because the love that came at me was indescribable.

    It was made of sterner stuff.

    It gave me hope because every time I even remotely started feeling bad, the community would take hold and lift me up in ways that were exactly what I needed right in the moment that I needed it.

    My phone would buzz: “Thinking of you today. Hoping you’re okay. Sending love your way.”

    My email would ding: “You’re amazing through this. Truly.”

    Visitors would stop by: “Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be cared for.”

    This whole cancer thing has taught me, once again, in the beauty of humanity. It has shown me that, even in our darkest hours, others can (and will) lift our spirits. When we are faced with our hardest struggles, it is then that we see the beauty in all that surrounds us.

    Cancer is a bringer of all emotions. It is an un-hinger of all truths and perceptions. Things that once were important are no longer relevant. There is suddenly more beauty in the everyday.

    This I learned not only because I was sick, but because my family, my friends, and perfect strangers showed me how to someday support someone in the same way they supported me.

    So I offer you this: a list of ways to show your support when someone is having a hard time or is going through an illness.

    Make a meal even when they say they don’t need it.

    This was lifesaving for me! Drop it on the doorstep and tell them to freeze it.

    Send texts.

    Little joy buzzes, I like to now call them, sweet messages offering support, jokes, and updates from the outside world.

    Leave a message.

    Hearing the voices of my friends and family as I drifted in and out of consciousness (the treatment I had to endure was five days a week for four weeks, and it was tough) was the most uplifting.

    Drop off trinkets.

    There were times when I was well enough to go outside and sit for a bit in the summer sun. Often, I would find little gifts at my doorstep. I see these now in my office, in my home, in my bedroom, and they make me smile thinking of those who dropped them by.

    Don’t give up quickly.

    Whatever support you would like to offer, know that there may be some “Oh, we couldn’t possibly” or “That’s okay—we’re okay.” People often say this when they could really use the support, so it helps to offer more than once and be clear that you really want to be there for them.

    Help delegate tasks.

    Create a rotating schedule for bringing meals, giving rides, and offering help.

    Admit that it stinks—empathize and then uplift.

    Something from the emotional perspective that I learned during my cancer diagnosis and treatment was that when I told someone about it, they often didn’t know what to say. There was always a silence and then a pause. A loss for words.

    We naturally want to make things “better” and keep it upbeat, which can go a long way in lifting someone’s spirit. That being said, the very first thing I loved hearing from family and friends before the upbeat was “Wow. This sucks.”

    Those words allowed me to connect emotionally with my supporters. Even if they had never had cancer or had never gone through something like this before, the fact that the words were out there anchored me into a place where I could then build up with hope.

    The best response I heard from a friend was this: “This sucks. I don’t like it. It’s going to be hard, but we will get through it and you’re not alone.” So, when in doubt empathize and then offer support.

    Stay long-term if you can.

    If you are able, try and be with your loved ones during the most difficult times. Stay for two days, a week, whatever works. This reprieve is huge.

    Ask yourself: What would I want?

    And then do that very thing.

    Community support can provide a lot of hope, and as the quote says: “He who has hope has everything.”

    As I ride the wave of newfound health, I know deep down that I have a net of support that. If the cancer returns, I’ll still have a battalion of loved ones behind me and they’ll help me keep hope alive.

  • We Don’t Need to Change to Please Other People

    We Don’t Need to Change to Please Other People

    “One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s perfectly OK.” ~Unknown

    I am thankful from the bottom of my heart to that relative who dislikes me.

    As Mother Teresa famously said, “Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons.”

    She came in my life as a lesson. The more she dislikes me, the more I love myself and appreciate those who love me.

    This carefree attitude didn’t come overnight. I had to go through a tough phase first. Each day I felt bad about myself, cried a lot, and blamed myself for this messy relationship, and for failing to save it.

    “There are hundreds of people who like me for who I am, so why doesn’t she like me?” I asked myself several times.

    I practiced being who I thought she wanted me to be. Still, despite giving my best to that relationship she always criticized me, and I never received a single word of appreciation. I allowed myself to take it because I thought that one day she’d realize her mistake and start liking me. “One day” never came.

    The day she used disrespectful words while talking to me, I decided not to let her drain my energy anymore.

    During this phase of my life, I lost connections with all my friends and relatives because I was so unhappy with myself that I didn’t feel like engaging with anyone.

    Thankfully, some relationships are beyond formalities. Even if you don’t make the effort to connect with them, they are always there for you to love you, support you in your tough times, and bring you back on track. I call them soul-to-soul connections, and I am lucky to have those people in my life.

    Sometimes it becomes important to see yourself through the eyes of people who truly like you and accept you wholeheartedly.

    I shifted my attention to them and started analyzing why they like me. I even made a list of things people like about me.

    I desperately wanted to be that person again who was known for her smile, warmth, and jovial nature. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling upset and bad about myself.

    Being a psychology graduate, it’s my hobby to study and analyze others’ behavior. I couldn’t resist doing that with the person who dislikes me. I noticed that she has a habit of complaining about everything in her life. And everything has to be her way.

    Everyone in her family conformed to her way of doing things because they wanted to please her. Since I never did that, I couldn’t fit in her idea of a perfect relationship.

    It reminds me of something my boss once said: “Don’t make your problem my problem.”

    I realized that it wasn’t me; it was her insecurities.

    She wanted to maintain her authoritative style of leading the family. She thought that if I did not follow her, she would lose her importance. That’s why she wanted me to change my lifestyle.

    She expected everyone to follow her ideologies and prioritize things she wanted. She compared me with those who always followed her and never questioned her way of doing things. And she started disliking me just because my lifestyle, priorities and ideologies were different from hers.

    It was wrong on my part to expect that everyone should like me. It’s human nature to want people to like us, but it’s not healthy to dwell if they don’t.

    I learned from this bitter experience that you cannot force anyone to like you, but you can like yourself for who you are. How others will perceive you is none of your business. As long as you are happy and satisfied with yourself, you are good to go.

    Change yourself if you have a good reason, but not to please anyone else.

    Another important lesson I learned that if someone is not happy with herself and her life, no one can make her happy. As Marcus Aurelius correctly said, “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

    I learned my lesson and decided to move on. My life started rocking again. I started connecting with my old friends, family, and made new friends.

    The moment I changed my actions and started doing things that make me happy I noticed a ripple effect. I became the same old person, laughing, giggling, and enjoying life to the fullest. The same can happen for you if you stop focusing on others and start focusing on yourself.

  • 4 Ways to Have More Affectionate, Loving Relationships

    4 Ways to Have More Affectionate, Loving Relationships

    Couple Hugging

    “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” ~Simone Weil

    This morning I was busy French pressing coffee for my husband and me. Everything was going great; I was happily humming along, looking forward to starting my day. My lovely husband came up behind me and bear hugged me gently.

    Now, I’ll admit that I don’t usually take this well when I’m in the middle of something. If I’m cooking (which I’m particularly serious about), I’ve been known to push him away and say something along the lines of “I’m cooking! Back!”

    This is not sensitive or caring. It’s more of a “get-off-me-I’m-working” reaction that I’ve been working on.

    To my husband’s credit, he usually responds fine and continues about his business seemingly undeterred from future affection. I apologize later, and he doesn’t seem to take offense.

    After an interaction like this, I feel embarrassed and ashamed of how I’ve responded to his attempts at closeness. I worry that if I keep pushing him away, eventually he’ll just stay away for good. The very idea itself makes me feel sad and repentant.

    Today, however, when he came over and hugged me from behind, I had enough good sense not to push him away.

    I took the opportunity for some bonding time with him, which made my morning. I actually had to have the conscious thought that I should stop the urge to push him away and instead be receptive.

    Instead of getting caught up in what I was doing, I stopped myself and let him foster closeness between us.

    Today, I was receptive.

    Today, I let myself get swept up in the moment instead of worrying about the coffee getting cold, or burning dinner, or the myriad of other little nagging things that seem more important in the sweet little moments like this.

    My priorities are woefully out of whack if I think that preventing my coffee from getting cold is more important than connecting with someone who isn’t afraid to come over to me for the 4,345 time when I’m in the middle of something, even though he knows he’s likely to get the cold shoulder.

    What if one day he gives up? I’ll admit, I probably would have given up already if I were him. It’s embarrassing to admit that my skin isn’t nearly as thick as his has been when it comes to affection.

    In fact, so often, haven’t I shown through my actions that a deeper connection was not my priority?

    That admission stings. If I’m really honest, in the past, a lack of mindfulness about how I handle affection has led me to prioritize tons of things above my relationships. I have allowed things of little importance to often take priority over connecting with the people who I love most.

    How often do we push our partners away and refuse to connect without quite seeing it that way? How often do we reject their advances, when if we thought about it, we actually desire more closeness? How long do we have before we push the other person away forever, only to wonder later what went wrong?

    Of course, I never consciously intend to make my partner feel rejected, but how often do I reject him anyway, bumbling through our life together? How often could I be nicer, or less stressed, or more receptive?

    How often do the people in our lives who are most important to us suffer because we are too busy, or too clueless to notice?

    No matter what the reason is, what if we’re sacrificing the everyday events that have lasting potential to bring us closer?

    I can do big things that are meant to connect with my partner. For example, I can suggest and plan out a weekly date nights, but if I’m downright cold and repellant in the tender, everyday moments that are his idea, pretty soon, I will drive away the very connection that I truly long for.

    It won’t matter if we try to formally “plan” times to be affectionate or if I make sure to approach him often on my own terms.

    What if we’re doing this not just with our intimate partners, but also with the rest of the important people in our lives? What if we’re providing negative reinforcement when, if we were more conscious of it, we would actually want to allow more closeness?

    It’s so common to take the closest relationships in our lives for granted. That’s why it’s so vitally important to take the time to nurture the little connections that we have with each other, every day. In this way, love is a practice, just like connection takes practice.

    It’s the small things, once again, that truly matter with someone we love. It’s taking the time to listen to them when we’re tired and would rather do something else. It’s not shutting them down when they show us little acts of affection. It’s receptivity and openness to connection, as well as getting our priorities straight.

    Since I’ve been struggling to change this reluctance to connect on someone else’s terms, here are four things that I’ve learned help to bring someone closer in the moment.

    1. Awareness.

    Notice the ways, both small and large, in which others try to create connections with you. If we wait for them to approach us perfectly or in the exact moments we’re thinking about it, we miss so much.

    2. Receptivity.

    Being aware is important, but so is being receptive to a connection. If we acknowledge and then open ourselves to connecting with others, it’s clearly going to foster more connection than if we are aware but not receptive (like my cooking example above).

    Being receptive involves staying aware of the greater good in our most important relationships, namely saying “yes” to more love, more connection, and more closeness from others. It’s not turning down the hug or pushing someone away in the moment. It’s apologizing if we fail at these things.

    3. Appreciation.

    Appreciation is key to positively reinforcing someone’s attempts to get closer to us. If I allow myself to be selfish or distracted and fail to positively acknowledge my partner’s attempts to connect with me, I’m not only pushing him away in that moment, but I’m effectively blocking future connection.

    If I don’t nurture the connections that matter the most to me, I won’t have connections with the people I love. That is the inevitable, preventable, awful consequence of failing to provide positive reinforcement.

    This is about recognizing the little things, with heartfelt thank you’s and big hugs. It’s having an eye toward acknowledging people’s efforts, and providing them with a positive experience when they interact with me.

    4. Reciprocity.

    Rather than saving up our affection and positive attention for when we’re really feeling it (or say, date night), maybe it’s better to make a practice of reciprocating our partner’s affections even when we’re tired, distracted, or not quite interested.

    Giving them the gift of our attention is such a strong tool for nurturing them and the relationship that it shouldn’t be saved for the exact, right moment when we feel like sharing our affections. Maybe it’s more effective to resolve to share and connect with the people we care about whenever they reach out to us.

    And… try not to push your spouse away when they’re happily giving you a bear hug.

    Couple hugging image via Shutterstock

  • Don’t Let the Outside World Control Your Happiness

    Don’t Let the Outside World Control Your Happiness

    Happy Woman on Grass

    “On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    We have this strange need or conditioning to not take responsibility for our own happiness. We expect it to come from an outside source.

    It can happen, but it’s fleeting. True happiness has to come from within.

    True happiness comes from a connection to our true being.

    Years ago my family and I took our dog to obedience school, and the trainer told us, if we have more than one dog, to never let them share a crate. Yes, they would become best friends, even inseparable. Then one of them would die and the other would be completely heartbroken.

    Imagine putting all your happiness on another person. This could be a friend or a soul mate. You share your dreams, relying on each other for companionship and future plans. Then tragedy happens, a split of some kind.

    It’s natural to be heartbroken when you lose someone you love—but how could you survive this if all your happiness was contained in this one person?

    This same thing can happen with the material world. We easily put our happiness on getting that prized possession, the big house, the new car, or a job that we think we want.

    I spent most of my life up until now in the shadow of fleeting happiness. It followed me everywhere.

    It started when I was young. I searched for acceptance. I did ridiculous things to my hair, and I lost my virginity way too young. I thought these things would bring me a sense of happiness, but I never felt truly happy.

    Then my young adult self emerged still on the search for “when.” When I get to do this… when I go here… when I do that… then I will finally be happy.

    I spent my days waiting for various things to happen, to in turn bring me the happiness I longed for.

    I married young. I moved to a city that wasn’t conducive to my nature. I got the corporate job that would make me feel established, following society’s definition of success.

    With two young kids I moved to a way too expensive house that fit the mold of a successful, acceptable young adult. And—gasp—I bought a minivan. I was a mom, after all. Wasn’t this my road to happiness?

    With all these misguided beliefs of happiness under my belt, the waves of discontent still threatened to drown me. I kept treading water with no movement.

    I realized in time the truth behind my happiness, and it didn’t lie in things or people or society’s definitions. I had always had the ability to feel happy; I just hadn’t realized it.

    I realized it when I was able to accept myself, fully, in who I was.

    I realized I didn’t need to edit who I was. I was able to look in the mirror and see the perfectness in all my imperfections. I was able to go to a social event and be okay with myself sitting quietly in the corner. I learned to just be without worry or concern about what others thought. I was okay just being me.

    I would often find myself sitting quietly, taking it all in. These were the mindful moments that allowed me to acknowledge all that was around me. And you know what? It was full.

    The world was full of the richness of life—nature, people, laughter, smiles, wind, noise, and breath. I started to notice my breath and breathe a little deeper in gratitude for all the experiences of my life. The realization came with a flood of tears, joy, and intense connection…with myself.

    We believe in a happiness that really doesn’t exist. We search for it in many ways, rarely finding it in the form we are seeking.

    Happiness can sometimes comes from things. “When I get this car, or these shoes, or this job, man, will I be happy.” And you do, you get the position and you drive to your new job in your new car with your shiny new shoes on.

    The world is oh so perfect. It couldn’t get any better. Then the company you work for goes bankrupt, you can no longer afford your car, and now you have no place to wear your shoes.

    Are you happy anymore? Not if you banked all your happiness in those fleeting things.

    But let’s say you already discovered true happiness from deep within your soul and felt happy with yourself. Then you got your dream job. Would you be happier?

    You might feel more fulfilled but not happier, because your inner happiness was already infinite. If you lost your job, would some of your happiness diminish? No. You might feel disappointed but you wouldn’t lose your happiness because it was already infinite.

    Your happiness cannot come from the outside world. It must come from within you.

    When you are able to acknowledge that happiness already resides in you, a pressure will release because you’ll no longer feel ruled by your ego’s need for more.

    Still, it is important to know that true happiness may not always feel great. Realizing true happiness doesn’t mean you will be skipping through a field of daisies without a care in the world.

    You will have bad days. You will feel overwhelmed with normal life at times. You may even look beyond the horizon to see what lies ahead. This is all okay.

    Happiness doesn’t have to look like a storybook. Happiness is simply the realization that life is just fine as it is.

    You’ll experience true happiness when you allow yourself to be content in your true self, recognize the innate greatness of the world that surrounds you, and know that the people and things in your life hold no power over you. You are the master of your happiness.

    You are already complete. When you realize this, there will be happiness in everything you do.

    Smiling woman on grass image via Shutterstock

  • Why Joy Trumps Happiness (And 3 Ways to Coax It Into Your Life)

    Why Joy Trumps Happiness (And 3 Ways to Coax It Into Your Life)

    Man and Pink Sky

    “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” ~Henri Nouwen

    Once upon a time I was on a relentless hunt for happiness. I’d root around for it in romantic relationships, search for it in visits to exotic locales, and scour self-help sections of bookstores, hoping to run across a volume that, once and for all, would reveal its thorny secrets.

    The books I read said happiness couldn’t be found outside of me, but I was always skeptical of that advice. I longed to believe that if I got what I wanted in life I’d be like a winner on “The Price is Right”—jumping up and hugging perfect strangers.

    When I turned forty, I had the chance to test that theory: Through a series of incredible circumstances, I got almost everything I’d ever wished for. I met and married an amazing man, came into inheritance, and achieved my lifelong goal of publishing a novel.

    I was surprised to discover that my happiness still depended on outside events in my life.

    Great book review? Crack open the bubbly! Bad day at the stock market? Sequester myself in the bathroom with a package of Fudge-Covered Oreos. But, to be honest, my life was so fast-paced and drama-filled that I didn’t have the time or the inclination to think about the matter too deeply.

    Fast forward five years and my winning streak came to an end. I found myself without a new book contract, my grown son sank into a deep depression, and my dearest and oldest friend and I grew apart.

    My slew of bad luck forced me to slow down and become a seeker again. I continued to investigate the happiness conundrum and eventually came across this quote from Danielle LaPorte, “Happiness is like rising bubbles—delightful and inevitably fleeting. Joy is the oxygen—ever present.”

    Bingo! All my life I’d been stalking the wrong thing. Instead of chasing after happiness, I needed to find ways to allow more joy into my life.

    1. Living in the present moment.

    Over the next few months I devoured at least a dozen metaphysical books, and I undertook a variety of spiritual practices: visualization, affirmations, gratitude journals, vision boards, and a few other things a little too woo-woo to mention.

    While I found value in many of those activities, I didn’t experience drastic change until I practiced mindfulness. Now I meditate fifteen minutes daily and make a point to be mindful throughout the day.

    Chores I used to dislike are now exercises in staying in the present moment. Instead of my usual kvetching about laundry (who goes through ten towels in three days?) I slow down and pay attention to the task and the accompanying sensory details, i.e., the lemony smell of the detergent, the comforting warmth of the clothes out of the drier, the swishing rhythm of the agitator.

    When grumbles arise, I note their existence but try not to get caught up in them.

    Zen masters clang gongs to remind students to be mindful; I use a timer on the computer. I set it every twenty-five minutes, and when it buzzes, I check in on myself.

    This is great habit to start. When the timer goes off, ask yourself, am I present? Or am I embroiled in regrets about the past or schemes about the future? The more time we spend in the present moment, the more joyful we feel.

    2. Avoiding the dramas of the ego.

    It used to be that when something went haywire in my life, I’d fly to the phone or Facebook, eager to broadcast my wounds. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with venting. Wasn’t that healthier than letting my injuries fester?

    Not necessarily. Through my mindfulness practice I’ve learned that it’s best not to get caught up in the ego’s drama.

    When something goes wrong in my life (that guy cut me off in traffic!), my ego loves to rush to the scene, causing a commotion. Now I keep a journal of my ego’s triggers so I know when I’m most likely to be yanked into its mischief-making.

    Three centering techniques have worked for me: First, pay attention to your breathing, noting inhales and exhales.

    Next, get in touch with your body, connecting with the energy within and staying alert to any automatic responses. Is your throat constricted? Are your shoulders tense? Is there smoke coming out of your ears?

    Finally, listen. Can you hear the refrigerator running or the traffic outside?

    These three practices slow us down so we can avoid getting entangled in ego-based thoughts.

    Additionally we might want also want to refrain from complaining or gossiping, even about piddling things. It may seem harmless to say to a friend “Could this grocery line get any longer? And what’s with the woman buying ten cartons of Ben and Jerry’s?”

    Unfortunately, such behavior strengthens the ego. The limited rewards we get from gossiping and griping are outweighed by the joy we’ll find when we eliminate them from our lives. 

    3. Deep listening.

    When I quit complaining and prattling on about other people, I thought, “What’s left to talk about?” Recently I found the answer: Whenever I’m in the company of others, I practice deep listening.

    Deep listening requires total attention to what the other person is saying, and it’s so focused it involves the entire body. Our own thoughts will constantly arise, eager to butt in, but try using one of the previously mentioned centering techniques to shush them.

    If we practice deep listening our interactions with other people will become much more authentic and yes, far more joyful. 

    The Rewards of a Joyful Life

    I’ve been inviting joy in my life now for almost two years. Does that mean I shun happiness? Of course not. Happiness is always welcome.

    It’s penny candy raining from a piñata. It’s the burst of light from a sparkler. It’s the magician’s bouquet of flowers, blossoming into a dove. But I now understand happiness’s limitations and am no longer expecting more from it than it can give.

    I’ve also come to discover that joy, unlike happiness, is not elusive or subject to the whims of fate. Joy is what kindles within us once we give up our resistance to the present moment and our demands that life do our bidding.

    Ironically, when we quit expecting life to be a certain way, life seemed to naturally align itself with our preferences.

    In fact, in recent months, my son’s psychological problems receded, two books contracts materialized, and my relationship with my best friend healed. However, even if nothing had changed or if my fortunes had soured, it wouldn’t be a disaster.

    If we allow joy into your lives, we’ll no longer be buffeted about by life’s circumstances. As Eckhart Tolle says, “You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”

    Joy is our natural state; we all have access to it, no matter what craziness happens in our lives.

    Man and pink sky image via Shutterstock