Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    Start Now

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H Schuller

    I have tried for so long to build a meditation habit. Seriously, it’s been one of my biggest goals for more than a decade.

    And I’ve tried really hard. I’ve read books, I’ve taken classes, I’ve made accountability charts, I’ve set SMART goals; I’ve done it all.

    Sometimes, I’ll fall into a good rhythm, and I might make it onto my mat three or four days in a row. Then sometimes, three whole months will go by without me managing to do it at all.

    So what gives? Why can’t I make it happen? What am I doing wrong, after ten years of trying?

    I decided to dig deeper into what was happening inside my poor little monkey mind that might be hindering my progress.

    It took me by surprise when I realized that no matter what my practice has actually looked like over the years, whether I’d been totally diligent or utterly neglectful, there had been one constant the entire time: I’ve always felt like I needed to be the best at meditation.

    Yep, that’s the phrase that actually popped into my mind, word for word, when I tried to unpack what was going on: the best at meditation.

    I know what you’re thinking: What does that even mean? How can you be “the best” at something like meditation?

    And let me tell you, I know how dumb it sounds. Meditation, by its very nature, is about not having attachment to such things as results or outcomes. I mean, it’s about being in the moment, not about getting an A+ rating or a bunch of gold-stars.

    And yet I felt like I needed to be awesome at it. To be better than others. To bypass beginner status and immediately step into the category of “expert.”

    I kept getting this image in my head: me, perched perfectly still in lotus position, the dawn sunshine on my face, wind blowing gently in my beautifully beachy hair, my outfit crisp and white, and my face a perfect vision of peace and tranquility.

    (Never mind that I am not a morning person, that the lotus position gives me pins and needles, that my hair is more bushy than beachy, and that I don’t even own any crisp white clothes.)

    When I dug deeper, I realized there was a follow-on thought from my attachment to this vision and my need for achievement: If I couldn’t be awesome at meditation, if I couldn’t achieve perfection… there was no point.

    That was my unconscious thought pattern.

    Which was why I always aimed for ridiculously long sessions; if I didn’t have a full thirty minutes to devote to it, what was the point?

    It was why I was so disappointed if my mind wandered; if I didn’t give an A+ performance, what was the point?

    It is why I’d feel like a failure if I didn’t do it first thing in the morning (even though my late-night work sessions made that completely impractical); if I hadn’t done a dawn session, what was the point?

    And it was why I would get so down on myself if I missed a single day; if I couldn’t keep a perfect score card, what on earth was the point?

    All in all, it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to make this habit stick. At every step of the journey, I’ve been psyching myself out of making any progress by expecting supreme, utter perfection.

    In the past, this type of thinking has reared its head in other areas of my life too: if I can’t go to the gym for at least a full hour, there’s no point, right?

    If I can’t eat 100% healthy for the rest of the week, I may as well write the next few days off, yeah?

    And if I can’t fit in a long, uninterrupted stretch of writing time, there’s no point pulling out my notebook at all, amiright?!

    Thankfully, over the years I’ve become aware of these perfectionist tendencies, and have developed a few mental strategies and ninja tricks to overcome them. (Don’t have time for a full gym session? Do half an hour of power yoga in the lounge room instead. Revolutionary, huh?)

    But it’s taken me oh-so-long to realize that I was also doing it in my meditation practice; that I was letting my pursuit of perfection hold me back from inner peace.

    Now that I know, I’m trying to let go of all expectations on myself when it comes to gettin’ my Zen on. In fact, my meditation sessions these days have been pared right back to the simplest, most achievable, most non-perfect thing I could think of.

    Want to know what that looks like? (Prepare yourself for the profoundness!)

    Two minutes of meditation, every one or two days.

    That’s it.

    And, if I haven’t managed to pull it off during the day, I do it in the shower at night, just before I go to bed (yep, standing there, suds and all, with not a lotus position in sight).

    It’s minimal, it’s manageable, and it’s achievable. It’s also effective for quieting my monkey mind and giving me the tiny pockets of peace and stillness I crave so much.

    I’m now on my fourth week of this new approach, and I’m happy to report that by releasing my expectations of perfection. In fact, by embracing the fact that I am going to mess up, and by giving myself some wiggle room and a short-cut to get around it, I’ve actually been more mindful in the past month than I’ve been for a really long time.

    And I’ve definitely ended up with more time spent on the mat through these little baby steps than when I was aiming for giant, dramatic leaps.

    It’s been an eye-opening lesson, and one that I’m very grateful for.

    So now I want to ask you, dear one, are you letting perfection hold you back from achieving something you really want?

    Could you cut yourself a break and aim for “okay” instead of “awesome”? It might sound counterintuitive in our culture of comparison and perfection, but the results might just take you by surprise.

    Start now image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Strategies for Practicing Compassion When You Feel Wronged

    4 Strategies for Practicing Compassion When You Feel Wronged

    Woman with Heart

    “Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” ~Wayne Dyer

    When I first took up meditation, sitting with my thoughts didn’t come naturally. At the time, I was going through a divorce and was often anxious and stressed out. It took months, but I kept trying, and after a while I looked forward to my daily sit.

    In my meditation group, I learned a classic method for generating compassion and equanimity. I tried holding images in my mind of a friend, an enemy, and a stranger.

    The idea was to view each one without judgment or preference, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to generate compassion for my enemy—especially when the face I envisioned was my ex-husband’s.

    At last, my divorce was final. Another year passed and I met a great guy. We dated for more than a year before he moved in. Our relationship was going so well that we decided to take a big step together: We adopted a stray kitten.

    The kitten was adorable and cuddly and rambunctious. We loved her immediately and she made herself right at home.

    A week or so after the kitten’s arrival, I sat down to meditate in my sunny meditation room. It was one of those days where everything felt right with the world. I lit my candles and incense, positioned myself comfortably, and set the timer.

    Focusing on the candle’s flame, I breathed in … and out … in and out—but something was terribly wrong. Every breath brought me closer to a distinct reality: I was sitting in cat pee!

    I hopped up and stripped the slipcovers off the pillows. Lugging the fouled material to the laundry closet, I angrily muttered, “If we had not taken in this stray, I’d be tranquil right now! That cat has ruined my entire day!”

    Then I my thoughts turned to blame. “My boyfriend was the one who wanted to adopt this cat! I should have said no, but I wanted to please him. I should have known better!”

    And finally, I took out my frustration on the feline offender: “Some cats just can’t be house trained! If that kitten does this again, she’s going back to the pound!”

    I seethed on and on, piling up blame and resentments, turning my anger and dissatisfaction over and over in my head.

    If ever there was a good time to practice compassion and forgiveness, this was it. But rather than sitting in meditation, I spent the next hour dowsing the slipcovers and cushions with diluted bleach.

    In the days that followed, when I sat down to meditate, I contemplated the kitten’s offense. Then a thought occurred to me that made me laugh. My resentment melted as I realized how ridiculous I was to blame a cat … for being a cat!

    The kitten was not a “bad” cat at all. The kitten didn’t pee on my cushion out of spite or because she hated me. She peed on the cushion because she was marking her territory, which is what cats do. It’s her nature.

    The kitten was, in fact, being a very “good” cat. The kitten wasn’t the problem. The problem was my expectation of the kitten to behave in a manner that was not natural to her.

    Of course, accepting my cat is a cat is one thing. It’s a little more difficult when I try to let go of my expectation of human beings, particularly the one I was previously married to. And yet, how often did I expect people in my life to respond in ways that were not natural to them?

    Turns out my kitten taught me more about generating compassion than the guru at my local meditation center. Here’s what I’ve learned from my most enlightening “sit.”

     1. It’s called human nature for a reason.

    If I can accept that my kitten is just enacting her cat nature, then why can’t I see that my ex-husband (or anyone for that matter) is just following his or her human nature?

    Alexander Pope was right when he said, “To err is human.” Since human nature is distinguished by ego, delusions, fears, and a little thing called mortality, most of us are perfectly imperfect human beings.

    Too often, I judge myself and others through a warped lens of perfectionism. My ex was (and is) just doing his best to avoid suffering and find happiness—just like me. And like me, he responds out of his limited perspective, experience, and fear. My problem with him is not that he’s who he is; my problem is that he’s not who I want him to be.

    2. It’s (not) all about me.

    No matter how long I sit on the meditation cushion and try to “generate compassion” for someone, I will never get far if I am still judging that person by my own limited viewpoint. Taking things personally creates a barrier between me and other people, or between my idea of an outcome and reality.

    I limit my own perspective when I say, “You have done this to me because you are trying to harm me.” If I can take a step back, I may realize that I don’t know everything about the situation. Only then may I be able to discern that there could be a motive beyond one that’s directly related to me.

    3. I’m not okay, you’re not okay.

    When I’m angry and upset about an outcome, I often forget that the person who I feel “let me down” is probably also upset and disappointed. Although I may initially personalize a situation, I can use my feelings to identify with someone else’s perspective.

    For example, when my son brings home a less than stellar grade that’s upsetting to me, I can be fairly certain that he’s bummed about the grade, too. Realizing that he is equally—if not more—disappointed than I am can temper my reaction and might even inspire a more compassionate response.

     4. Consider the parts, not the sum.

    No situation or being arrives full-blown without dependence upon mitigating circumstances. (This is also called dependent origination or dependent co-arising.) For example, the traffic jam did not occur because the Universe is conspiring to make me late for work.

    The more I can accept that I am a part of a bigger experience, the more I can let go of the importance I place on myself or any given event. Then, I can let go of blaming and see that we are all in this traffic jam (called life) together.

    As it turned out, my most dissatisfying meditation session taught me far more about compassion than sitting for hours in tranquility ever could.

    Simply contemplating that everyone wants happiness doesn’t get me very far when I’m stuck in traffic or disputing a finance charge on my credit card with a less-than helpful customer service representative.

    No matter how long I sit on the meditation cushion and try to “generate compassion” for someone, I will never get far if I am still judging that person by my own limited viewpoint.

    Woman with heart image via Shutterstock

  • Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Breaking Free from Your Family’s Expectations

    Break Free

    “Stop worrying about pleasing others so much. Do more of what makes you happy.” ~Unknown

    There comes a time in everyone’s life when you break away from your family. Right? We are all familiar with this. It happens when you turn eighteen, go off to college, and move out the house—and out of the state or country for some.

    This is the expectation of society on the whole. Then what keeps us so bound to our families that we sometimes feel paralyzed, afraid of making the “wrong” decisions for our career, relationships, or simply how we choose to live?

    Despite each of us eventually breaking through the normal cycle of leaving home and starting our own life, many of us still feel obligated to our family, more specifically our parents.

    We feel like we have to choose a specific career path or be with a specific type of person for marriage and beyond. It’s like this unspoken obligation to please our parents, except we know that it can’t last forever and there’s got to be another way.

    There is another way. And I know because I’ve been living through it over the past several years.

    I was a rebellious child, mostly because my father was so strict and I wasn’t allowed to do anything—well, not much. (I’ll give him some credit, while other credit goes to my mother for allowing friends to come over on occasion.)

    But rebellion doesn’t serve healthy relationships and is bound to transform into healthy independence and respect at some point. For some, it’s much later in life than others; I’ve spoken with several people in their late fifties who still feel obligated to their parents yet wildly rebellious and, thereby, resentful.

    For me, it started with realizing that I value family. There’s no getting around that. I love my family. Period.

    I also love myself, which means that there’s no way I’m going to give up my heart’s desires and dreams to acquiesce to what they think is best for my life, like I had to all throughout my childhood.

    Yes, I’m a passionate woman who has a strong desire to break free of the practical way of living. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

    At the same time, I demanded and knew in my heart that true love, especially love between family members, ought to stand up to tests like this.

    No doubt, it came with its price. There were several moments when I had to share my desires while lovingly holding space for my family to simply be. I came to them on several occasions over the last years (or they came to me and I opened up) with conscious decisions I made for my life.

    Now, let me reiterate this: conscious decisions. If they weren’t conscious, there was no way I could have done this. So, I shared with them my conscious decision while I stood in the fire of their adverse opinions and reactions.

    Standing in the fire means I held on to my desire and my love for family while I faced down their criticism. This was challenging. And it burned.

    I could feel it all throughout my body. But because I had consciously decided with a strong intention of love and a knowing that it came from my heart, I was able to hold on to my center—no matter what.

    I was able to stand there and let their criticism and opinions wash over me while remaining in a loving space. This would not be possible without that conscious choice.

    Since then, even though it’s been a process and there are still many fires to stand in, it has been increasingly easier to simply be me and share my “unpractical path” with them. Their expectations are beginning to subside, as they realize that my life may be a bit unorthodox.

    I love them anyway. Yes, you heard that right: I love them no matter how unorthodox my life is; therefore, I can influence them to drop their defenses and decide whether they’ll love or hate me because of the life I choose.

    By standing up for myself in this way, I let go of any power they had over me and hand it back to them, giving them the option to continue loving me or not. Because I know that no matter what they choose, I’ll always love them.

    Standing up for yourself isn’t an easy process. It’s especially hard when you’re trying to build a life for yourself that you actually love, because that’s the time when you most need support.

    Holding on to the earnest vision that only good can come from standing in your heart’s desires, you’ll realize what true love really is, and it will completely reframe how you approach life and relationships.

    Family often has no clue of the ties and chains they’ve placed on you; therefore, it’s important to come from a loving place when standing your ground and claiming your life.

    They don’t know what they’re doing. Would you punish them for that? I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I chose to love them anyways, no matter what, the same way I desire to be love, no matter what.

    Break free image via Shutterstock

  • How to Cope When People Disappoint You

    How to Cope When People Disappoint You

    Disappointed Woman

    “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

    Growing up, I had a wonderful relationship with my mother. We did all the usual mother-daughter things together—went shopping, had brunch—and we supported each other when my father left.

    In 2011, I was happily pregnant. I felt supported by my family and ready to take on motherhood. My husband and I were elated by the birth of our little boy.

    It’s fair to say that I may have been a little naïve about what was to come. I knew it would be hard work, but I didn’t quite realize how hard.

    The other expectation I had was ongoing support from my family. You know, the kind of situation where family (both parents and siblings) rally around you to welcome a new little person into the world. The kind of situation where there are regular visits and an influx of babysitting offers.

    In particular, I expected the bond with my mother to strengthen—because in my mind, having your first child is the time when you are deeply supported by your mother. What happened next fell entirely short of what I had imagined life to be like post-baby. I was utterly disappointed.

    I felt blessed for the birth of my little boy but resentful for the lack of support from my family.

    You see, although my little boy was healthy in the most important ways, he was a screamer. He was diagnosed with severe acid reflux, and we endured an extremely unsettled baby (and toddler) for the first eighteen months.

    My husband and I didn’t sleep for more than two hours per night (on shifts) for the first four months, and it improved only marginally from there. There were feelings of despair, helplessness, and confusion as we paced the floors trying to help our little boy.

    At first, my mother stayed with us in our house and helped us tirelessly. But at month four she relocated overseas. By this time, I felt disillusioned by the experience of having an unsettled baby, and disappointed that what was supposed to be a beautiful time had become somewhat negative and relentless.

    Looking back, I realize expectations played a huge part in my disappointment.

    I had expected a blissful experience—picnics in the park with my (sleeping) newborn! My disappointment was closely linked to my expectations of how it would be, with my baby, and with support from my family.

    Had I not expected a certain outcome, I would not have felt so low about what occurred. Had I been more open-minded about what may eventuate, I may not have felt abandoned and resentful at a time when I needed the most help.

    My little boy is now healthy, happy, and three. Granny has moved back to this side of the world, and she visits weekly. There is still minimal involvement in comparison to the vision in my head, but I have come to terms with it. Acceptance is liberating sometimes.

    The following philosophies have helped me to be more at peace with my own feelings, and you may find them helpful when facing disappointments in your world too.

    You have the right to feel what you feel.

    So don’t ignore your feelings of disappointment. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective.

    We all have different expectations.

    Most people are inherently good. They are on their own journey, and although disappointment can feel personal, it’s often not. The other person’s expectations are simply different to yours.

    Disappointments aren’t always all bad.

    What may seem like a challenge may be a blessing in disguise—or a blessing in waiting; it may only be a matter of time before you recognize that your disappointment is actually the universe working its magic for you. For example, my challenging start with my first born has led me to support other mothers through their own hard times.

    It helps to shift your focus.

    Resolve to do things that bring you joy. Focus on what is new and good, start manifesting, and leave those disappointing thoughts behind.

    It will pass.

    No matter how deeply you are disappointed, in time you will move through the feeling.

    Weed out the people who consistently disappoint you.

    Be mindful of people who regularly disappoint you or let you down, and make more time for those who don’t. Maintain a positive sense of yourself through happy relationships with people who are uplifting and energizing.

    We’re all on our own paths (even grannies). We have our own lives to live, our own choices to make, our own wishes and wants, and our own free will.

    Our closest connections can’t be expected to live on our terms, or to live inside the box we have created for them in our minds. So release your disappointment and get ready for the next adventure the universe will send your way.

    Disappointed woman image via Shutterstock

  • When Life Gets Hard: Keep Moving Forward, One Step at a Time

    When Life Gets Hard: Keep Moving Forward, One Step at a Time

    “You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and darn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.” ~Elizabeth Taylor

    Most of us will experience hard choices, stressful events, and difficult situations that will impact us in one way or another for the rest of our lives.

    Hard times happen. They teach us lessons, make us stronger, and give us a deeper sense of self. After all, would sitting in the sun mean as much if you hadn’t of experienced the storm first?

    Within the past six years I’ve experienced what can only be called “hard times.”

    I lost my stepmother to advanced melanoma in August of 2009. Soon after, I was diagnosed with a rare pancreatic cyst, followed by months of testing and an eventual distal pancreatectomy with splenectomy in November of 2010 for the removal of same.

    I developed massive complications followed by three more operations and over six months of recovery, with more surgeries still to come.

    At the same time, I tested positive for a BRCA1 mutation, which led to a long period of intense screening, doctor consultations, and decision-making regarding what possible surgical steps I needed to look at in order to be proactive in prevention.

    I then made a job change after twelve and half years with the same firm. Within a few months of starting with my new firm, my elderly father had a heart attack, was hospitalized, and then spent months rehabilitating. I was his primary caretaker.

    Shortly after, in May of 2013, I was diagnosed with stage 1a triple-negative breast cancer, underwent a lumpectomy and five months of chemotherapy, lost all of my hair, and developed a severe blood clot.

    At the end of 2013, less than a month after finishing chemo, I elected to have double-mastectomies. In February of 2014, while I was still recovering from bilateral mastectomy surgery, my father fell in his home and suffered a severe head injury.

    This led to a long hospital stay and, finally, a move to a nursing home. Then came the arduous task of cleaning out his house and taking care of his debt-ridden estate. Oh, did I mention personal bankruptcy following my cancer treatment and mastectomies?

    I didn’t put all of this out there to whine or say “poor me.” But I do know this is quite a lot to go through, particularly in the short span of only a little over half a decade.

    My rare cyst, surgeries, complications, blood clot, and cancer tried to kill me, but they didn’t. The stress alone could have killed me, but it hasn’t.

    The countless demanding decisions could have pulled me under, but they haven’t. All the emotions and, at times, overwhelming depression might have taken me out too, but I didn’t let them. I keep living; keep moving forward, one step, one day, and one situation at a time.

    My father had been on hospice care for several months. He passed away on December 3, 2014. I’m still in the midst of grieving, but I’m glad to have developed some tools to help me along the way.

    1. Confront your struggles head on.

    We want to bury our heads in the sand and pretend everything is fine, as if these bad things aren’t happening to us. We try to numb ourselves from the pain and reality of the situation. I know I do this. But eventually, you have to face it head on. There is no other way.

    There will be times of great heartache when you are forced to make life-altering decisions in which your mind and emotions will play opposing roles. With some of what I have faced, I had to make logical, sound decisions based on the facts available to me at the time. I certainly didn’t discount my emotions, but I moved through them with my eyes wide open.

     2. Realize it’s a process, and the process takes time.

    Nothing will happen right away. It will take time, and you will travel from one emotion to another and then back again. And it takes as long as it takes. These things cannot be rushed.

    Also, we have to remember to take it easy on ourselves throughout the process. For me, this goes back to self-medicating or numbing. I quite often stumble back into old, self-destructive habits. I’m human, not Wonder Woman. Although I like to think that maybe Wonder Woman wouldn’t have survived everything I have.

    3. Kick, scream, get your groove on, and then get spiritual with it.

    Realize that it’s okay to be angry. Find constructive, creative ways to let your feelings flow out of you.

    Climb a hill and once you get to the top, scream until your heart is content. Paint something. Beat up your bedding. It’ll only make it more comfortable. Get in some serious cardio, if you can—try dance. Make yourself really sweat. Then try yoga and/or meditation to even you out.

    Dig down deep and take a look inside yourself for what you believe. Whatever higher power, spiritual path, or religious belief gives your soul comfort—whether it’s at home, out in nature, in a church, encircled by loved ones, or in solitude—take a look at finding out what that is.

    4. Play out your fears about a situation.

    With any given situation, play out the scenarios and then ask yourself, “and then what?” What will I do if this happens next? Keep asking what you’ll do next, how you’ll continue moving forward. This will move you from a fearful, stuck mindset into a more active, productive mindset.

    5. Accept that not everyone will have your back.

    This may be the hardest lesson to learn. I found out, most painfully, that some people kept their distance; or better yet, were willing to take advantage and kick me when I was down.

    Surprisingly, these are often people you thought you could count on the most. Still, others will not only step up, but they will hold you up through the worst of it.

    While this can be an incredibly painful lesson, I believe it is a very necessary one. Interpersonal relationships, like life, are fluid. People will come and go. Some people are around to play with us in the sun, while others will weather through storms and seasons with us.

    I don’t think it’s meant for us to know who’s who ahead of time, only that this is a fact of life and that you will be okay. Maybe this also teaches us to be more grateful for each relationship, past and present, good and bad. Some of these people will be your greatest teachers in life, whether you or they know it or not.

    The best lesson I learned is that you have to keep your focus on the people who stick around instead of the ones who bail.

    6. Change your perspective.

    I now choose to believe that adversity is meant to knock us on course, not the other way round. Focus on looking at the situation differently. I can say from my experience as a cancer patient, you often have to find humor in the small things. This helps get you through each day.

    Even recently, I beat myself up over not yet becoming the perfect picture of optimal health after cancer. I had to realize, with everything I’ve been going through, the fact that I’m still standing at all is true testament to my ability to overcome. This has to be enough for now. Just as I am, I am enough.

    7. Look forward to the sunshine.

    After every storm there is calm, and then the sun shines. If you keep remembering that, you will make it through.

    Give yourself the opportunity to feel and process every thought and emotion. This is what the experience calls for. We all know what happens if we bypass or bury our emotions. We must allow the process to happen and give ourselves the space and time to feel everything.

    Eventually, hopefully, we find ourselves grateful for those hard times, which in turn may make us appreciate the good times even more. I am continually working on all of this, but then again, isn’t that the point?

  • 6 Compelling Reasons To Spend Some Time Alone

    6 Compelling Reasons To Spend Some Time Alone

    “There are times when alone is the best place to be.” ~Unknown

    Some people think it’s awful to spend time alone—that it means you’re antisocial or no one needs you.

    Some people feel sad and lonely when they don’t have company every evening or weekend.

    But being alone doesn’t mean that no one needs you. And it can actually be quite useful to take some time to yourself.

    I am almost thirty. This is an age when you start to rethink your whole life, trying to understand what you should change or improve, what you should do next, and what specifically you need in your life.

    I felt this way a couple of months ago.

    I thought I’d achieved nothing in my almost thirty years, and I felt I should have changed something but couldn’t figure out what or how.

    I had to cope with my feelings, but the everyday chaos of my life didn’t allow me time to concentrate on myself.

    The decision came like a bolt from the blue—to spend some time completely alone.

    When you’re alone, nothing prevents you from listening to your inner voice, heart, and mind.

    Here are a few other benefits of spending time in solitude.

    1. It’s a great opportunity to recharge.

    We often try to make people around us happy and help them work through their feelings. This can be emotionally draining.

    For example, I have one friend who lives abroad, who comes online to talk to me only when she feels bad and wants to share all her problems with me. It takes a lot of energy and makes me sad and frustrated.

    Time spent alone helped me take a break from constant interaction with other people so I could recharge.

    2. It’s a good time to think and reflect.

    Life moves at a crazy speed. It doesn’t often give us time to stop and reflect. When alone, you have a great opportunity to focus on yourself.

    Thanks to my voluntary solitude, I had a chance to question whether I was moving in the right direction, I’ve realized what I should change in my life, and I’ve finally found time to relax and meditate.

    3. It’s a chance to understand what really makes you happy.

    When you spend time with other people, you often have to make compromises. There’s always a chance that what you want may not coincide with others’ wishes. When you’re alone, it’s only you who decides what to do.

    Do you want to spend the whole day lying on the beach? Go! Do you want to visit that contemporary art exhibition? There’s no reason to skip it. As for me, I’ve finally visited the city of my dreams, Prague. None of my friends ever had the time, money, or desire to go with me, but that no longer mattered.

    4. It makes you more productive.

    It can be fun and exciting to spend time with friends, but it can also distract you from things that are important to you, like exercise, hobbies, a long-delayed book, and unfinished work.

    Spending some time alone can be a good opportunity to make progress toward your personal goals.

    5. It makes you more self-reliant.

    We often seek approval from friends, colleagues, and family members before we take action or make a decision. There are times when it’s necessary to do this, but there are also times when it’s possible to act without consulting others first.

    When you’re alone, you’ll learn how to make decisions without anyone’s help. This was difficult for me at first, but in time I became more self-reliant.

    6. It teaches you to value people who are close to you.

    When you regularly take time for yourself, it becomes even more enjoyable to engage with others, as you’ve given yourself time and space to miss their company.

    Don’t be afraid of being alone. Very often it helps us understand who we are, what we want, and what we can do to become better people.

  • How to Stop Overthinking and Start Living: 10 Helpful Tips

    How to Stop Overthinking and Start Living: 10 Helpful Tips

    “Thinking has, many a time, made me sad, darling; but doing never did in all my life….My precept is, do something, my sister, do good if you can; but at any rate, do something.” ~Elizabeth Gaskell

    Problems. We all face them.

    Some are frivolous; some are life changing. Some force us to draw from within us our greatest mental potential. Many cause nothing more than stress.

    Whatever issues life presents us, whether small or big, we think about them.

    We think about what to do, what not to do, and what would be “best” for us and for everyone around us.

    But how often do we think about our thinking? When do we stop to question why we over-think, whether it’s productive, and how to overcome it?

    The first time a true bout of over-thinking grappled me was when I graduated from college.

    For many, this time comes as a quarter-life crisis, and the event often repeats itself later in life. It’s the time to decide what we will do with our lives, and what careers we will pursue.

    We want to make a true difference, help society, and live well. Although acquiring a comfortable desk job may be easier, it doesn’t have such a gripping appeal.

    And so begins a rare human trait that we would surely benefit from evolving out of: rumination.

    Sleepless nights came more regularly than I ever could have predicted. Confusion was my norm. Indecisiveness became expected. Uncertainty was my only certainty.

    Fortunately, however, I didn’t drive myself nuts (or so I believe). Underlying the distress was an organic curiosity, and this led me to question my approach. What I came to learn truly changed my life.

    I managed to collate a number of strategies for effectively reducing over-thinking. Below are some of my favorite simple and easy-to-implement insights and strategies:

    1. Remember that over-thinking does not lead to insight.

    You want an understanding of which decision will be best. For this, you need a level of insight into what each decision will lead to. Thinking this through, however, is futile.

    Why? Because you never, ever know what something will be like until you experience it.

    School, college, moving home, getting married, ending a relationship, changing career paths. However much you imagine what these change will be like, you will be surprised by what you discover when you actually engage in these activities.

    Knowing this, you can move forward with a true understanding of what would be best. Acting, therefore, leads to clarity. Thought doesn’t.

    2. Know that your decision will never be final.

    Over-thinking often comes from the notion that you will make a grand finale decision that will never change and must be correct.

    It won’t happen. And that’s a good thing. If you could predict with complete accuracy the entirety of your future, would you want to experience it?

    To me, that removes all the spice of life. You must be aware that however much critical thinking you apply to a decision, you may be wrong.

    Being comfortable with being wrong, and knowing that your opinions and knowledge of a situation will change with time, brings a sense of true inner freedom and peace.

    3. Learn the reasons why over-thinking is harmful and let it motivate you.

    Studies have shown rumination to be strongly linked to depression, anxiety, binge eating, binge drinking, and self-harm.

    In one study, 32,827 people from 172 countries showed that life events were the largest predictors of stress, followed by family history, income and education, relationship status, and social inclusion.

    However, the study also showed that stress only occurred if the individual engaged in negative over-thinking about the events, and it showed that people who did not do this did not become as stressed or depressed, “even if they’d experienced many negative events in their lives.”

    So, worry about your problems if you wish. But don’t say no one warned you!

    4. Keep active throughout the day and tire the body out.

    Do you want to know one of the main reasons you over-think?

    It’s because you have the time to.

    Not one day can be fruitful if more time than necessary is allowed for aimless thinking. A mind rests well at night knowing its day has been directed toward worthy goals.

    So consider daily exercise—any physical activity that raises heart rate and improves health.

    Walking is exercise. Sports, Pilates, and playing with the dog are too. It doesn’t have to be training for the next Olympics. Just get moving, and get tired.

    5. Become the ultimate skeptic.

    If you think about what causes thinking to be so stressful and tiring, it’s often our personal convictions that our thoughts are actually true.

    Let’s look at an example.

    If someone you know does something you consider hurtful, but you don’t discuss the issue with the person, negativity can arise with certain thoughts about why the person acted that way.

    But once you can pinpoint which thoughts are causing the upset, one golden question will release all negativity:

    “Can I be 100% sure this is true?”

    By seeing the inherent lack of truth in your beliefs, you will naturally find yourself much more relaxed in all situations, and you won’t over-think things that are based on predictions and assumptions.

    6. Seek social support, but don’t vent.

    Better than confining your decisions to your own biases, perspectives, and mental filters, commit to seeking support from loved ones.

    Research has long shown the powerful impact of social support in the reduction of stress.

    But even better than that is getting a fresh, new angle on the topic.

    For me, this has always—on every occasion—led me to learn something I had never considered before. This is how you grow, emotionally and spiritually.

    7. Develop the skill of forgiveness.

    It’s no surprise that having the misfortune of being treated undesirably leads people to suppress and repress anger toward other people.

    Forgiveness is of the highest of human virtues. Not because it is morally correct, spiritually mature, or deemed a commendable personality trait.

    It’s special because it, single-handedly, can induce the ultimate peace in people.

    Forgiveness has also been shown on many occasions to help develop positive self-esteem, improve mood, and dramatically improve health. It’s a predictor of relationship well-being and marital length, and it has even been shown to increase longevity.

    8. Plan for conscious distraction.

    When do you ruminate the most? Have you ever thought about it? For me, I ruminated at night.

    When you know the time of day rumination will begin, you can plan to remove that spare time with an activity that engages your full faculties.

    It could be Sudoku, a board game with family, a meal out, yoga, or writing letters of gratitude to long-unseen friends.

    A note of warning: there is some research to suggest that doing this with negatively reinforcing behaviors, such as toxic eating patterns, can lead to harmful long-term results.

    Therefore, be picky about what you distract yourself with, and make sure it fosters positive emotion and psychological wellbeing.

    9. Solve another person’s problem first, and get perspective.

    “Serve first, seek second” should be the motto for anyone currently distressed by their perceived problems.

    Your issue at hand can become so consuming that others may look at you like you’re living in your own mental world. And it takes something to break you out of it.

    Helping others puts your issues in order by reminding you that we all go through tough times, some much more than you ever will.

    That’s not to discount the struggles you’re going through, but helping others will restore balance and harmony in your life.

    10. Remember that a perfect decision is never a bold one, so get started.

    When your final years are approaching, you will not worry about how well you thought through your decisions, or how thoroughly and accurately you approached life’s forks in the road.

    You will rest happily knowing you lived true to yourself, acted with confidence, and stood up for what you believed in.

    So don’t worry about the perfection of your decisions. Be swift to move forward, even if it is in the wrong direction. Boldness is respectable; carefulness has never changed the world.

  • Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

    “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan

    A few years ago I ended all contact with my parents, and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.

    The truth is I am actually okay with that. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been brought up to believe that family comes first. Children should respect and take care of their parents. Family should—and will—always be there for each other.

    Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them.

    I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those beliefs promised. It was never there.

    Our lives were filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal, and lies. Manipulation and deceit were at the core of our home.

    I told myself that all families have degrees of dysfunction, and our family was no different. I could not allow myself to believe that our family was different. I believed that one day my parents would realize what they were doing and change. I desperately wanted their love and approval.

    On the night when my husband and I ended up inside a police station explaining why I thought my father was about to come to my home and hurt me, while my two grown sons waited in the car, I realized I had to wake up.

    My fantasy was over. I could no longer go on pretending our family was just like everyone else. That night I said my last goodbye to my mother as she lied to protect my father. The next day I spoke the last words to my father as he screamed into the phone repeating the lies from my childhood. It was over.

    Giving up the hope that things would get better was the hardest part. I was terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was being a bad daughter. I was going against every cherished belief about family.

    It broke my heart to know that my life had been based on an illusion. The picture I had created of my parents was shattered. They had never been there for me, and they never would be.

    I had lied to myself to protect my fantasy and keep them in my life. Now I could no longer do it.

    Over time I began to understand why I had fought so hard to live out the lie, and I began to forgive myself for not being brave enough to stand up earlier.

    One of the problems was my belief that family were always there for each other. That was the cause of my pain and my guilt. The fact that I no longer had them in my life meant that I was going against a code I held close to my heart.

    I had to modify that belief. I had to change my definition of family. It was no longer those to whom I was linked by blood. My family now became the friends who had been there the whole time. People who I knew I could count on when things went wrong. That was never my parents.

    I also realized that I was afraid I was not lovable. In my mind if my own parents could not love me, there had to be something wrong with me.

    I did everything I could to minimize disagreements between us, keeping quiet just to keep the peace. I knew that if I spoke up we would argue, they would get mad at me, and they would not love me. I failed to realize that this was something I only experienced with them.

    It was hard work just to be around them. I was always on edge, cautious, and scared. That was not a loving relationship. I came to accept that if they could not love me, it didn’t change anything about me. I had created other loving relationships around me, and they were the scaffolding holding me up.

    My first Christmas after was hard. I had always gone to my parents’ house to live the fairy tale of being surrounded by love.

    It was always hard to ready myself for those days. We would act out the roles of happy family, hoping in some way that was our truth. It wasn’t. I had no idea how tense I was at these interactions until I no longer had to do it.

    Part of the hurt was that I now had no tradition, so I decided to start a new one. Christmas is no longer a day of obligation. I now spend it with the people who are my true family.

    I’ve come to realize that the love I had for my parents was based on a childhood need for safety and security. I had to see them as the parents who loved me, despite the things they did. I could not accept that the people responsible for my well-being were also responsible for my suffering.

    So much of the world I had created around my parents was simply not real. I have had to accept that truth and move on with my life.

    One of my fears was that by breaking contact with my parents, I was setting an example that my sons could repeat with me. I’d like to think this won’t happen because of my parents.

    The pain of my childhood taught me how important it is for a child to truly feel loved, safe, and cherished. I’ve tried to live that truth with my boys. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I can only hope that the love I’ve shown them will have created a space in their hearts where I will always be thought of with love.

    I try to imagine how I’ll feel when I find out that my parents have died. I honestly don’t know. I’m sure that part of me will be sad that we did not have a better ending. However, I know in my heart of hearts that I tried for over forty years to make it work. In the end, it just wasn’t enough.

    My parents were never who I thought them to be. I have had to let it all go. The fantasy of the perfect ending with them is over. I am setting out on a new horizon where I have redefined my world.

    As abused children, we may feel that it is somehow our responsibility to fix the broken parts of our family. It’s not. Sometimes there is no fairy tale ending where our parents realize how truly wonderful we are.

    The hard part is recognizing that and moving on. Sometimes it’s the only way to find real peace. It’s heartbreaking. It’s not easy. Finding and surrounding yourself with people who truly care for you is your gift to yourself. You deserve that. You will be okay.

    I no longer believe that I have lost my family. I have only now finally recognized who they truly are.

  • How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

    How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

    Woman Covering Mouth

    “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” ~Maggie Kuhn

    For years I was that person who needed to know what would happen in the near future. I wasn’t content with being in the moment and letting things unfold naturally because it made me anxious.

    Knowing, or at least thinking I knew, was a way for me to relax and reassure myself that nothing was going to unexpectedly pop up. The idea of a problem spontaneously arising made me so nervous and anxious that I’d become a doormat instead of speaking up and saying what I really thought.

    For me, a “problem” was somebody who threatened my peaceful near future and, as a result, I would have to figure out a way to subdue them without disrupting my peace too much. Often, I would have to step outside my comfort zone of being a wallflower and deal with people in a way that wouldn’t cause too much hassle.

    I suppose you could say I tried to categorize the people around me according to their mood. In short, I tried to control the uncontrollable—human nature.

    I started to obsess about my friends falling out with me. I’d say goodbye to them and spend an hour afterward worrying that they’d be angry with me and wouldn’t speak to me the next day.

    It was exhausting and constant; I would convince myself that one friend was okay with me and then I’d start to doubt another friend. I remember one time particularly well because to this day I still laugh at how ridiculous it all was, though at the time it was really stressful.

    I had this one friend who started to develop an attitude; where she was once reserved and not confrontational, she was now argumentative and volatile.

    Although I didn’t argue with her, I’d seen her arguing with our other friends and she suddenly seemed really intimidating, definitely not someone I’d want to get on the wrong side of. The fact that she’d sometimes start an argument for no good reason contributed to my fear that she might get angry with me.

    I did everything to keep the peace, but she was prone to spontaneous moods.

    II remember looking at her one day and realizing that I didn’t care if she stopped speaking to me; it seemed ridiculous that I’d wasted so much energy on something so silly.

    When she went off in a mood, I let her go and stayed with our other friends. And the crazy thing is that she came back to me asking what was wrong. Everyone was so used to me being the peacekeeper that when I stopped keeping the peace, they started seeing me as someone who had an opinion instead of the quiet doormat.

    It’s amazing what happens when you stop overthinking and worrying about how things will turn out. When you speak your mind, you send a message to the people around you that you have a voice and you’re not afraid to use it.

    Obviously, I can’t speak for everyone, but I respect someone who says what they’re thinking rather than what they think everyone wants them to say—even if I totally disagree with them.

    Nothing in life is certain, and yet at some point we’ve all tried to desperately cling to something that we’ve wanted to stay the same. Some of us have even compromised our integrity just to hold onto the idea that we’re sure of something.

    There is power in being uncertain and allowing life to flow naturally, responding rather than controlling. When you embrace uncertainty, you respond to the present moment rather than following a plan involving everyone else that only you know about.

    Need help embracing uncertainty so you can start speaking up?

    1. Lose expectations.

    I look at expectations as agreements between two people that only one person knows about. By this I mean you may think you know how a person is going to act—you may even hope—but at the end of the day, nothing is certain.

    Don’t let the thought of “what if?” stop you from speaking up if something bothers you. Let it go; what will be will be.

    2. Follow the Two-Year Rule.

    This means that if you’re worried about a situation and it’s making you anxious, ask yourself whether it will matter in two years.

    Think back a few years to all those times you’ve worried about speaking your mind and being authentic. Are those situations still affecting you today? Assuming you can even remember them, I’m betting they aren’t.

    3. Remember who’s important to you.

    Maybe a colleague is doing something that annoys you or seems to have an issue with you. And you’re stressing about sorting things out because they’re a colleague and you have to work with them and it could get awkward and blah blah blah.

    The truth is, nothing will change unless you do. How important is this person? If you do nothing, things will stay the same, so why not try a different approach and see what happens?

    4. Prepare to disagree.

    It will happen; it’s not all smooth sailing when you decide to stop dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum. Just remain calm and deal with those who are disagreeing with you in a mature manner, even if they’re being immature.

    It’s hard at first, but it pays off when they realize that you don’t have to hide behind shouting to get your point across. Sticking to your guns is like giving yourself a hug; you feel amazing afterward, whatever happens.

    And one last bonus tip: Make time for yourself. When you take the time to relax and unwind, it can do wonders for your confidence, so you won’t fall back into the habit of trying to control everything and not focusing on yourself.

    Woman covering mouth image via Shutterstock

  • A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

    A Broken Heart Is an Open Heart

    Light in Heart

    “A broken heart is not the same as sadness. Sadness occurs when the heart is stone cold and lifeless. On the contrary, there is an unbelievable amount of vitality in a broken heart.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

    “I love you but I’m not in love with you” was the line my first boyfriend used when he broke up with me. I was twenty-two.

    We were only together six months but I cried over him for a solid year, thinking a few parallel thoughts: “If I were thinner and prettier he would’ve been in love with me,“ “How could he not be in love with me, I’m HILARIOUS,” and “I’m never doing this love thing again. It hurts way too much.”

    Even letting myself fall in love was a big deal. I’d always kept people at a distance—friends and family included—because I didn’t want to be that vulnerable and I didn’t want to feel that much.

    Letting people in meant they might see things they didn’t like or see the things about me that I didn’t like. Being that open left way too much up to chance. I much preferred to control the situation.

    And so, when I let myself fall in love for the first time, I did it with strong boundaries drawn. I monitored the nice things I did for him to make sure I wasn’t going overboard. I checked in with myself frequently to make sure I wasn’t “losing myself” and was careful not to give him “too many” compliments.

    At the time, I thought my approach was very mature. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who loses her mind and goes gaga for some undeserving dude.

    I would let myself love him, just not too much.

    Looking back now, I was in full-blown defensive mode driven by a deep need to protect my heart from any harm. I’m a mighty deep feeler and, like most humans, quite a sensitive soul, so loving someone just felt like way too much feeling for my delicate system to handle.

    A few years later I met my now ex-husband. He was kind and generous and, as my grandmother said, “He felt like an old shoe.” And so again, I let myself fall in love. A logical, rational, “we make sense together” kind of love.

    I was better with the compliments and did my best to love him through the little things. A home cooked meal, a hug and kiss every night when he walked in the door, a risotto tartlet from the farmer’s market to show I was thinking about him.

    And yet, I didn’t let him in in. I chose him because he was safe to love. I chose him because he would never ask for my whole heart, for my fullest capacity to love. He had no need to see the deeper, darker parts of me that were desperately seeking light, and I had zero interest in showing him.

    At the time, I really thought I loved him as much as I could. And I did, for the time and place we shared together. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, which felt enormous and vulnerable.

    I’d often have this recurring nightmare where something would happen to him and I’d be left all alone, bereft and broken. I was terrified by the dream, scared out of my mind not by the thought of losing him but by having to feel bereft and broken.

    And then one day, he left. And my heart, for the first time in my life, broke open and all I could do was feel.

    In the weeks and months following our separation, my heartbreak brought me face to face with more pain and more love than I had ever known.

    At times I thought I might break under the strain of their combined weight.

    While shedding horizontal tears that ricocheted off my glasses and ran down my face, as I watched my marriage and home crumble before me, I was able to muster more love for myself and for my pain than I ever could have, for either of us, during our marriage.

    When he left, the wall around my heart came tumbling down. The ice melted off the inner chambers of my soul. The doors to my ability to love swung open, inviting me to feel into those tender places so long ignored.

    It is true. I did not love my ex-husband to my fullest capacity because up until my heart broke open, I could not love myself to such capacity. 

    I was too busy protecting myself from my pain, my needs, his pain, his needs that I walked right past the love that is possible between two people when they open their hearts to one another.

    Know this: A broken heart is an open heart.

    It is in the breaking, when our hearts are peeled back on themselves, that our truths have passage to come in and out.

    If we’re lucky, our hearts will break over and over again to reveal new ways of being, of thinking, and of loving.

    Each break allows our hearts to heal bigger than the time before.

    Yes, there is pain every time we’re cracked open. Immeasurable pain. And with each break, each sting of pain, our hearts are able to expand and strengthen our capacity to love.

    Sunset heart image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Ways to Cope with a Miserable Job

    6 Ways to Cope with a Miserable Job

    “Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

    If you’re feeling miserable in your current job or career, wondering when you’ll be able to do something that makes your heart sing, I know exactly how you feel.

    I spent nearly a decade of my life working in jobs that I despised, having to dig deep every day to make it through another eight hours. All the while, my soul felt like it was dying inside.

    I remember writing one-page memos and having to wait a month while they worked their way through the bureaucracy. Every manager would return the memos, requesting a small, pointless change. By the time the memos were released, I barely recognized the words as my own.

    I knew that I had to get out, that I had to find something more meaningful, something where I could actually make a difference. But getting out of these jobs was hard. Really hard.

    One time, three years into a job, I knew that I needed to make a change. But it took me another three years to save up the money and find the courage to actually walk away. Meanwhile, I struggled to make it through the daily grind.

    Perhaps you’re in a similar situation and wondering how you can continue going to a job you hate, day after day after day, not knowing when or if you’ll be able do something more meaningful.

    I don’t want you to go through what I went through. So here are my suggestions for how to cope when you’re stuck in a career or job and find yourself feeling miserable.

    1. Figure out why you’re miserable and change what you can.

    People can feel miserable for all sorts of reasons. One of the first things you can do is to reflect on why you personally feel miserable in your current situation.

    Perhaps you don’t feel challenged enough in your current position. Or maybe you find the job too stressful. Or perhaps your current work team isn’t a good fit for your personality.

    Rather than accepting your current situation “as-is,” be proactive and work toward improving it. Can you ask your boss for more challenging projects? Can you be transferred to a different team?

    2. Change the stories you tell yourself about your career.

    Most jobs or careers aren’t inherently miserable. We often feel miserable because of the stories we tell ourselves. Your stories about your job are a creation of your mind and are neither true nor false. They’re simply stories.

    Misery is created when we create and cling to stories such as “I can’t stand this,” “This is awful,” or “I should be doing something else with my life.”

    If you want to feel less miserable in your current situation, then change your stories to something neutral or even positive. For example, you could tell yourself “This isn’t really that bad” or “I will continue working toward a meaningful career. What I’m doing right now is only temporary.”

    Those stories are equally as “true” as the negative stories that you’re currently telling yourself. Next time you catch yourself repeating one of your negative stories, see if you can replace it with a more positive story.

    3. Shift your perspective—it’s not as bad as you think.

    Throughout the world, there are millions and millions of people who would be confused if you told them that you were miserable in your current job. They’re making a lot less money, while working longer hours, and often in far worse conditions. They’d change positions with you in a heartbeat.

    When you’re feeling miserable in your job or your career, try thinking about these people and remembering that your situation may not be as bad as you think. Things may be far from ideal, but they could also be much, more worse.

    4. Build meaning however you can.

    While it may be easier for you to create meaning in some careers than others, you can always create meaning right where you are. Find the one or two things that you like about you current job situation and focus your time and energy on those.

    For example, I’ve worked in many government jobs that I found boring and repetitive. But I always had co-workers that I enjoyed talking to and spending time with. Those relationships were what provided me with meaning and helped me cope with the day to day drudgery.

    5. Connect your job to other values.

    If you can’t find anything meaningful about your current job, then try connecting your job to other values.

    For example, if you value providing financial support to your family, then focus on how your current job allows you to fill that value. Put up photos wherever you can of your family and periodically look at those photos and remind yourself how important it is for you to support them.

    Or perhaps your job provides you with ample time off to pursue other activities that you value. Again, focus on how lucky you are to have a job that provides you with that opportunity.

    6. Focus on other parts of your life.

    Finally, if nothing else works, you can always focus your energy on other parts of your life. Simply accept that it will take time to move to a more meaningful career. And that for now, your work won’t be a primary source of meaning in your life.

    And then put your focus and energy into creating meaning in other parts of your life.

    Build the best, most meaningful relationships that you can. Explore all sorts of different hobbies or explore one hobby in-depth. Get involved in volunteer activities that provide you with a sense of meaning.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to change careers in order to do something that you personally find meaningful. I’ve done it several times myself. But making a career change can take time.

    There’s no reason for you to be miserable where you are right now, always waiting for a better future to arrive. Try using some of the suggestions above and see if you can improve your current situation while also taking steps toward a more meaningful, future career.

  • The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

    Woman with Outstretched Arms

    “Accepting, allowing, and interacting with your life as though it is exactly as it should be, without making yourself wrong (or right) for what you discover is the way to Self-Realization.” ~Ariel Kane

    When you’re confused about what to do next, fully surrendering to the possibilities will help you see a clear path ahead.

    It all started the day I had lunch with my university friend Sarah.

    Sarah had been traveling since graduation and was full of exotic tales about life in other countries—different languages, foods, and cultures.

    What she was experiencing sounded amazing. She told me she had no plans to settle down and was, in fact, preparing to pack her bags again soon and travel to the UK.

    Several of our mutual friends were already there, and Sarah extended the invitation to me to travel with her. The idea sounded fantastic and I wanted to jump at the opportunity. I’d always been interested in travel, and this seemed like the perfect chance to have the adventure of a lifetime.

    The trouble was that I had recently embarked on my career. I was working for a reputable company on a specific project. This was work I had dreamed of pursuing while obtaining my degree, and it wasn’t an ideal time to pack up and leave.

    To compound this, I also had a strong sense of wanting to do the decent thing by my boss and my colleagues, which meant seeing the project through to completion.

    On the flipside, I was worried that if I didn’t go traveling with Sarah, I would miss my chance entirely. For weeks I was conflicted—paralyzed by confusion and completely frustrated with myself because I was totally incapable of making a decision.

    I was caught in one of those classic scenarios where you have your heart whispering in your left ear and your brain nagging in your right ear, both with opposing views.

    While leaving with Sarah sounded very tempting, I could not summon the courage to quit my job. My inner-conflict was all encompassing.

    In the end, tired of waiting for me to make up my mind, Sarah left without me.

    Over the following weeks, at every opportunity I dawdled around bookshops flipping through travel guides. I finished the work project and, as the assignment came to an end, I discovered that I had enjoyed it immensely even though at times I had been very distracted.

    I also discovered that I had a real talent for the work I was doing. As a result of my dedication and commitment, the firm rewarded me with another opportunity—a promotion and a pay rise.

    Ultimately, the extra money in my pay packet meant that I could afford to go and visit my friends, and this is eventually what I did. Down the track, I ended up enjoying the best of both opportunities, although at the time I did not know that it was going to work out that way.

    What I know now, looking back, is that by actively not making a decision about traveling versus my career, I was practicing the art of allowing.

    I sat with the confusion I felt. Even though it felt like I was really stuck, I was in fact, surrendering to the natural ebb and flow of my life and letting the next thing come to me.

    These days I try to practice the art of allowing more consciously, especially at times when I feel deeply conflicted and my head and heart are giving me different messages.

    When you’re in a state of confusion, resistance can easily set in. This causes anger, fear, panic, tension, and stress. Then, as a consequence of these emotions, we can also feel tempted to force a decision. But it is at exactly these times—when we are most uneasy—that we need to practice the art of allowing.

    Sometimes it takes real effort to do nothing and simply be in the experience. Especially because most of us want control, and we feel the need to be in charge of every aspect of our lives, especially at junctures when we perceive that our present circumstances are under the threat of change.

    But by practicing the art of allowing, we accept that change is constant. We also accept that control is an illusion. And when we slow down, relax, and simply observe what is happening in our lives, we can also sense how these things make us feel.

    We also need to have faith that our instincts (our inner-built compass) will tell us when the time is right to reach out for an opportunity. 

    When we do this, we’re truly living in the present. And we open up the scope for lasting and transformational change, secure in the knowledge that our journey is as individual as we are and that whatever comes next is meant to be.

    Woman with outstretched arms image via Shutterstock

  • Finding Beauty After Tragedy: Bad Things Can Lead to Good

    Finding Beauty After Tragedy: Bad Things Can Lead to Good

    “Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” ~Oscar Wilde

    Have you ever had one of those moments when something devastating happens in your world and it feels like the rug has been ripped out from under you? I know I certainly did last year.

    I thought my life was moving along wonderfully. I had a well-paying job and was slowly growing my dream business on the side. I was happily married and the mother of an adorably cheeky toddler.

    I was only weeks away from moving into our new family home, which had taken us years of drama and a scary amount of money to build. Despite living so far away from my family, my life felt full of friendship, love, and joy.

    Life was progressing along nicely, and my husband and I were confident that we were on track for reaching the dreams we had envisioned for ourselves and our family. We weren’t living the dream yet, but we thought we could see its promise on the far horizon.

    Then we got the devastating news. My father, the man who had been a hero in both of our lives, was suddenly diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor.

    He was one day a healthy and fit fifty-seven year old man. Then the next day, he was suddenly having seizures and losing his sight, only to then be told that he had an aggressive cancer with an average prognosis of one year of life with treatment.

    This news understandably shook our world, and the ripples were felt long and far by many. We were obviously devastated.

    We couldn’t imagine what our lives would look like without him in our corner. And to be honest, I still haven’t allowed myself to fully lean into this, to feel it, or to process it completely. I know this moment will come eventually and it will be messy.

    One thing that we have noticed since the moment the rug was ripped out from under us is that so much beauty and wonder can appear during tragic times.

    It doesn’t detract from the awfulness. At the end of the day, it is still awful. It still hurts. And it’s still tragic. However, it has also brought about so much goodness.

    It caused my husband and me to stop and reflect on our lives. Were we really living the dream? Or were we playing it safe and residing within our comfort zone? Were our decisions and actions really aligned with our values and how we wanted to feel? What was most important to us?

    Before we knew it, we changed our lives dramatically. I quit the well-paying job to pursue my dream business full time. We sold the brand new so-called dream home. We moved interstate to be by the beach and near our family again. My dad’s terminal illness gave us permission to turn our five-year plan into a now plan.

    With my dad’s encouragement, I also started writing about my experiences. People connected to what I shared. It helped people. I could hold a light for others in our darkness.

    Family, friends, and strangers came out of the woodwork from every direction to offer support and love—going above and beyond what I could have ever expected from them.

    I learned so many lessons about myself and others, all this in a short three months. I can only imagine what is still to come.

    Throughout this time, I have also heard of others who have experienced tragedy and, despite this, can see so much beauty in the lessons and life events that followed.

    A friend of mine still suffering from the hurt of losing her brother years ago could recall the good things that came out of this tragedy, including the incredible people that stepped up in support of her and her family.

    Another friend who traveled to Cambodia recently told me about the absolute atrocities the people had experienced but how wonderful and giving they were.

    A client of mine spoke of a job she had thoroughly disliked but how much she had gained from it and how it ultimately contributed to her now being able to successfully follow her dream career.

    We can often hear stories on the news that demonstrate beauty in tragedy also.

    Just recently, when two hostages lost their life in a Sydney cafe, people rallied together to support and protect the Muslim community from revenge attacks with the #illridewithyou hashtag.

    Denise and Bruce Morcombe, the parents of Daniel Morcombe, who was abducted and murdered in 2003, have since dedicated their lives to increasing awareness and teaching children how to be safe. There have already been children who have used these skills to protect themselves in dangerous situations.

    After learning that she had cancer, Jane McGrath and her husband Glenn founded the McGrath Foundation to raise money to increase awareness of breast cancer and fund more breast care nurses in rural and regional Australia. This foundation has achieved so much since its establishment in 2002.

    Now of course these events are still tragic. They still hurt like all hell. And there is still seemingly no reason or purpose behind them. It still seems unfair and unjust how bad things happen to good people.

    But I personally take some comfort in the fact that so much goodness can stem from traumatic events like these.

    What lessons did your tough moments teach you about life, yourself, or others? Did any good things come from them? Can you take any comfort in the fact that they gifted you or others with something that may not have eventuated otherwise?

  • 7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    Back to Back

    “Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” ~Ronald Reagan

    I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. One filled with conflict, anger, and struggle.

    After years of non-communication, miscommunication, arguments, and fights, I realized it was time to reconcile what was left to whatever degree we were both capable.

    I had to let go of the past and get honest with myself—because whatever I was doing on my end was not only hurting our relationship, but also killing me from the inside out.

    I was crying out for resolution with my mother, not because I didn’t think I tried hard enough in the past, but because I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.

    This didn’t mean she would accept my feelings, or that we would suddenly become the best of friends. It was an opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves for this relationship—whatever that meant—whether we spoke every day about the weather or just on major holidays to say I love you.

    Now here I stand with a mother in my life and a relationship to go with it.

    And to be honest, it’s not the mother-daughter relationship I always wished for. But I am content and at peace with what we have now rather than what we didn’t have before.

    It’s a place where we can co-exist peacefully while respecting and loving one another.

    It is a relationship, and it took courage.

    Some relationships aren’t meant to be reconciled, and that’s okay. But that is a choice each of us must make. You must ask yourself, is this what I truly want? 

    The following seven steps contributed to the reconciliation of my relationship, and I hope they do the same for yours.

    1. Stop lying to yourself.

    If we lie to ourselves about what is okay and what is not, we are setting ourselves up for a major letdown.

    If something is not sitting right with you, don’t ignore it. Acknowledge your feelings, then promise yourself you’ll do something about it.

    My strained relationship with my mother was unsettling. I needed to acknowledge my feelings and make a plan of action to address it rather than ignore and repress.

    Once I became honest with myself, I felt a responsibility to confront the uneasiness inside. Doing so gave me a greater sense of control over myself rather than the issue having control over me.

    2. Be bold and make a move.

    Being assertive is a way of holding yourself accountable to the promise you made, and it’s the first proactive step toward letting the other person know you want resolution, not dissolution.

    I made the first step in contacting my mother. It wasn’t easy. I swallowed the big pill of pride I had in the bottom of my throat and trusted myself.

    I didn’t know if she would be receptive to me, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

    Making the first move to repair what’s broken isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of complete courage.

    3. Expose your guts.

    Being vulnerable is a way to display that you’re coming from a place of peace and honesty. It’s not always easy, but if a relationship is worth it, it won’t be as hard as you think.

    Stay committed to avoiding defensiveness. Tell yourself that you may experience some, along with resistance from the other person, but that’s okay.

    When speaking to my mother, I expressed my pain. It came from a pure place where I was able to be completely transparent to her in such a way that she could meet me for the first time, yet recognize all that was familiar to her.

    I was honest, loving, forgiving, and vulnerable; it was the only way to show my true self.

    4. Get vocal and keep an understanding ear.

    I confided in my mother about the effects our falling out was having on me. I say confide because I never told anyone else. No one else in my world could relate except my mom because she was hurting too.

    Listen to the other person. Just as you have your own perspective and experiences, so does the other person. There are no wrong or right feelings, so you must put yourself in their shoes.

    As hard as it was to hear the pain I had put my mom through, it gave me the clearest vision of what she had been experiencing. We were given an opportunity to understand and forgive each other.

    5. Make a deal.

    Be willing to give as well as take.

    Compromising is a fair and expressive way of giving your relationship love and attention.

    It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your values or beliefs.

    It simply means that when both parties are asking for something, you’re both willing to give as much of yourselves that you are comfortable with, as well as take what you need in order to be happy.

    Just as I told my mother what I needed from our relationship, and what I would and wouldn’t stand for, she did the same. We compromised and agreed to give to each other in places where we felt we needed more support.

    6. Set your limits.

    A common misconception about boundaries is that they are meant to keep people or feelings out. That’s far from the truth.

    Boundaries are there to show respect to yourself and others.

    If something makes you uncomfortable, a boundary is set to tell others that it’s not okay to cross. You wouldn’t want to intentionally cross another’s boundary knowing it makes them uncomfortable, so why would you allow someone to do that to you?

    One of the biggest obstacles my mother and I had to overcome was our lack of boundaries. We ran all over each other as if respect didn’t exist—because, well, it didn’t.

    Once I established my boundaries, I felt safer. She communicated her boundaries, and it was as though a respect was born between us.

    Setting boundaries is key to earning and giving trust, which is the foundation of all healthy relationships.

    7. Follow through.

    The action of the relationship, especially when reconciling, is crucial. Trust has to be rebuilt, so the action needs to be seen as well as the words being heard.

    My phone calls and texts to my mother might seem like a minimal action to some, but for us, it’s major. It’s far more than we had in the past, and it’s what we said we would do, so we do it. It holds us accountable for keeping this relationship moving forward and not stagnating.

    Whatever the action, if you can make time to be fully immersed in your relationship when you’re together, it will create a sense of security and keep you moving forward.

    It’s worth it; now go for it.

    Relationships can feel like marathons, especially the difficult ones. They can feel like a race you can’t ever seem to win, but that usually means the techniques you’re using aren’t working.

    It’s okay to fall, fail, be wrong, get mad, and be frustrated. We are human. And as humans, we thrive and survive off of the relationships we make and maintain throughout our lifetimes.

    Give yourself and your relationship that chance to succeed. It’s not easy. It’s painful, it’s exhausting, and it’s humbling.

    But, man, it’s worth it.

    Imagine yourself running around the same track engulfed in a thick layer of fog for months, or even years. That’s your struggling relationship.

    Imagine how exhausted you feel. Imagine how you’re blinded from seeing anything else around you because you’re in the thick of it. Those are the issues in your relationship.

    But if you keep pushing through by following these seven courageous steps, it will pay off.

    Now, imagine yourself committing to that action and one fine day, after all your hard work, you run from the wet, pale fog into the warmth and light of the sun.

    And for the first time in a long time, you can see clearly all around you.

    You stop running and just breathe.

    That feeling of relief is the feeling I felt after reconciling with my mother, and it can be the relief you feel when you reconcile your struggling relationship.

    Back to back image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance

    Man Meditating

    “Life is as simple or complicated as we make it.” Donna Smallin

    The dreaded “C” word. Clutter.

    We all deal with it. In some part of our world, we face it: be it in our closets, in our offices, or even in our bodies. But the most distracting and debilitating cluttered space is in our heads.

    You know the feeling. Driving on autopilot to work. Forgetting important dates. Leaving the water running or the stove on. Stumbling over words, unable to make a point.

    When we’re caught up in our heads, distracted by worry or fear, we’re not present or clear-headed. And when we’re not clear-headed, we lose the connection to ourselves, our environment, and our lives.

    Mental clutter pulls us off center, disrupting our balance. It can get so jumbled and disorderly up there that we end up lost in la la land.

    Clearing Clutter At The Root

    Fortunately for me, I grew up in a big, loving family. However, a big family tends to hold all sorts of clutter. Raised with four siblings sharing one bathroom, one TV, and one telephone, let’s just say it got ugly. Probably didn’t help that Mom was a shopaholic and Dad was a packrat.

    The claustrophobia of my childhood left me wanting to live clutter-free.

    It wasn’t until my college years away from home that I started noticing how my mind was the cause of any clutter I carried with me; nothing and no one else was to blame.

    After a huge quarter-life crisis, I saw how I was compromising my own clarity and life balance with my own head-trash—the junk I kept upstairs.

    I then made a conscious choice to declutter my life, starting at the root of it all—my mind.

    But how do you begin to clear away the clutter you can’t see?

    Decluttering the mind requires us to become intentional on where we place our attention and how we spend our time and energy.

    Here are some tips to help you do that.

    1. Keep a gratitude log.

    Gratitude is appreciating what you have. It’s saying that what you have is enough. Taking time every day to consider your blessings will help bring balance to your life. It’s hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.

    Spend five minutes every day to note at least five things you’re grateful for. Some ideas: time with a friend, an award at school, your seatbelt, your breath, the colors in the park, and even the nourishing beauty of a rainy day.

    2. Journal.

    Whether digitally or with paper, journaling is a wonderful release of pent-up thought. By writing down your thoughts, worries, hopes, and experiences, you are finding respite from the chatter inside your head.

    Even though you’re still thinking of these things as you write, it’s like you’re observing the situation from ten feet away, no longer completely absorbed in the emotionality of it.

    Try to journal every day for however long it takes to feel peace on a topic. The more you do it, the faster the peace comes. Like in therapy, simply letting it out is healing because we’re relieved of the burden of keeping it all inside.

    3. Laugh.

    Laughter has been proven to be the best medicine for relieving stress. It eases defensiveness, lightens your emotional load, and lifts stress off your shoulders. It brings balance to your psyche because laughter is presence.

    Practice not taking yourself so seriously and laugh more often. Really laugh. A deep, hearty, Santa laugh. Watch comedies, hang out with funny friends, go to a comedy club, read the Sunday comic strips, or play with your kids or your dog. With so many options, stress doesn’t stand a chance.

    4. Zone out.

    Take time to rest your mind every day. Let your mind shut off from having to process, apply, or interpret information. This means no TV, no conversation, no reading, and no problem solving.

    Take a break from the chores, from the duties of the day. Let the breath come and go naturally, and the eyes roam wherever they want.

    Look at the trees sway, the clouds float, the stars shimmer. Afterward, when it comes time to work, you’ll find focus more easily than before your mini-retreat.

    5. Control your media intake.

    Watching or listening to anything and everything just because it’s on doesn’t bode well for your psyche. Subtle opinions, biases, and judgments creep into your mind and embed thought structures. Oblivious, you then form opinions that aren’t your own, simply because you heard it on the radio.

    Start really paying attention to the noise that you let seep into your eyes and ears. Ask, Is this benefitting my life in any way?

    6. Get creative.

    As often as possible, connect with your inner child by exploring your imagination. Let curiosity lead. When it comes to opportunities to get creative, there are plenty! A few of my faves: puzzles, coloring, drawing, singing, dancing, and even making a meal from scratch.

    The point is to get lost in awe and wonder like you did at five years old. When you achieve that feeling from a certain activity, keep doing it!

    7. Exercise.

    Move. Sweat. Stretch. Get active and get your endorphins going! Exercise helps control your weight, prevent illness, boost energy, and improve your mood. It helps you sleep better, feel better, and focus better.

    Find an activity that inspires you to raise your heart rate—dance, yoga, martial arts, running, walking, whatever. If maintain some level of frequent activity, it will serve your health and well-being for years to come.

    8. Get clear on your priorities.

    To figure out your top priorities, list your goals, your motivations, and those relationships that matter most to you. Then rank them in order of importance to your well-being. These are the things, respectively, that you’ll want to spend the most time on.

    Evaluate anything that comes between you and your priorities—is it worth you compromising on what matters most?

    9. Do something kind for another person.

    The late Zig Ziglar said, “You’ll get everything you want if you help others get what they want.” Whatever we feel is lacking in a situation is something we’re not giving. And anytime we feel lack or longing, we’re out of balance.

    Sounds counterintuitive, but if you want to see more of something in your life, start giving that thing away—be it love, money, or attention.

    Make it a point every day to be kind with your actions, your words, and especially your thoughts.

    If you don’t feel genuinely moved to lend a helping hand or pass along a compliment, simply smile instead. That act alone is enough to improve your mood and clear the mental blockage between you and compassion.

    10. Let go.

    Since when does worrying get you anywhere? Release those useless, negative thoughts of worry. When we do this regularly, we drastically reduce the amount of “stuff” that needs our attention and depletes our energy.

    Drawers and cabinets are not the only areas that need tidying. Our minds are full of thoughts in the form of judgments, expectations, and fears that blind us from the truth. Try monitoring your mind and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You’ll soon notice a change in your entire outlook on life.

    Maintaining A Balanced Life

    Life’s full of surprises. We control how we respond to them, and the best way to strike a balance is to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Life’s unpredictable course is our opportunity to meet surprises with acceptance and grace.

    It helps to have an open mind.

    Your turn: What are some ways you find clarity, focus, and balance in life?

    Meditating man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    Woman Jumping

    “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” ~Rumi

    I want to feel better. Who doesn’t? Yoga makes me feel better most of the time, but if I am being totally honest, I don’t always choose the healthy option. In fact, sometimes I pick the worst thing for me.

    For me, a plate of BBQ wings really hits the spot. That is, until a few hours later when the salt and protein load kicks in and I feel terrible. Again.

    While I may oscillate between healthy and unhealthy choices for my body, I know how to get fit through gyms, diet programs, and physicians.

    But what about my steady diet of junk food thoughts? How do I stop consuming them and focus on a healthier emotional diet?

    Junk Food Thoughts

    Everyone knows about the negative effects of an unhealthy lifestyle, but no one teaches us about the negative health effects of our thoughts.

    Worry, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear are the potato chips, processed foods, and chocolate cake of our emotional life. As satisfying as they may feel in the moment, their negative effects are just as toxic.

    And, like we have particular food cravings, we have particular thought cravings.

    My First Emotional Cleanse

    I built a healthcare company and sold it to a Fortune 500 eleven years later. In 2006, I made the decision to change my career and pursue a path toward my passions.

    As I attempted to discover my true desires, I came face to face with my emotional junk food and its effects. I felt terrible, I felt weighed down, and I could not figure out why.

    Like my craving for a plate of BBQ wings, I craved certain thoughts when I faced the decision to leave my job:

    I cannot leave.
    I have to keep my job.
    What am I going to do all day?
    I am going to be so bored.
    I went from $15,000 a year to an executive salary and stock options. Who leaves that?
    My parents will never understand or support this decision.
    There is something else out there for me.
    What if I am wrong and this decision destroys everything I have worked for? 

    The thoughts that I was unaware of were as toxic as the foods I know to avoid. A thought—a single sentence—stood in the way of the life I desired.

    How to Stop Consuming Unhealthy Thoughts

    Tune into your thoughts.

    You cannot stop the negative effects of these thoughts without awareness of their existence. What are your go-to junk food thoughts? What do you tell yourself when you consider changing a relationship, a job, or any other important area of your life?

    What is the exact language? Just like you may love a certain brand of chocolate or a certain type of potato chip, you will have exact language for your emotional craving.

    Accept their destructive effects on your health.

    One sentence can stand between you and your goals. A sentence—a set of words—becomes a belief. This belief will drive your actions. As simple as this is in concept, in practice, changing a few words can change your life. If you change the belief, you can change your actions.

    In my case, removing one sentence, “I can’t leave my job,” changed my life.

    Trade in your junk food thoughts for nutritious thoughts.

    What nutritious foods do you like? Kale? Salads? Smoothies? Veggies and hummus? Likewise, what nutritional thoughts do you like?

    Replace junk food thoughts with nutritional thoughts and free yourself to pursue your dreams.

    Some examples of nutritional thoughts:

    Are you avoidant?

    Today, I will step forward.
    I believe in my abilities.
    I am ready.
    I will take one action a day until I complete my goal.

    Are you angry with someone?

    Today, I will have compassion.
    Anger is poison.
    When others hurt me, they are in pain and I have tapped into my pain.
    I don’t personalize other people’s pain.

    Are you holding on to resentments?

    Today, I will let go.
    Resentments have no value.
    Letting go does not mean I accept this person into my life.
    I am not a victim.

    Are you always behind and do your lists have lists?

    Today, I choose me.
    I will schedule one thing for myself today: a massage, a manicure, a workout, or a quiet room with a book.
    This is my life.
    I drive the choices I make with my time, even if it does not feel like it.

    —

    I wanted to leave my job and step into a career that was more aligned with my passion. One day, I discovered my problem was not the mundane details involved in changing jobs. It was the deep craving for my destructive thoughts.

    This time I reached for a healthier option:

    It is my right to follow my passions
    I am going to write, even if it is not perfect.
    I trust that my path will become clear, even if it is not obvious now.

    With these simple sentences, I changed my career and found the passion in my life that I really craved.

    I still struggle to make healthy choices, but now I understand that I have to forego my favorite BBQ wings and resist my favorite junk food thoughts.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    One day at my part-time job, my supervisor told me that my boss wanted to talk to me. This was completely unexpected, so I was a bit concerned. Everything had been going so incredibly smoothly in my life for the past week or two, and all I wanted was to keep that oh-so-wonderful peacefulness going.

    But when I came into her office, I knew in my entire being that something was off. My stomach clinched up and I could feel my heart starting to sink down to my feet. As she spoke the words, “We are cutting your position, so we don’t need you anymore” I could feel my body wilting.

    It was as if I were a flower that had just been placed out in the middle of the Sierra Desert without any water or trees in sight.

    I could feel the tears in my eyes begin to emerge. I quickly resisted and held them in to maintain my composure and professionalism.

    As I drove home and began to tell my boyfriend, friends, and family what had happened, I noticed that I continued to maintain this composure. No crying. No tears.

    This was a bit weird for me, as in the past year or two it had been incredibly easy for me to breakdown and cry whenever I felt upset, stressed, or overwhelmed with emotion.

    The next day, I shared my bad news once again with some peers. In that sharing I noticed something that I was doing: Every time sadness came up in my being, I denied it by making a comment like, “But this is good because…” or “Well, the good thing is that…”

    I was restricting my emotions with my insistent thoughts telling me to focus on the positive.

    In a world where New-Age positivity is running rampant in the self-help or self-improvement sections of bookstores, it can be easy for us to get so caught up in the “be positive” mindset that we end up repressing our emotions.

    In repressing our true emotions, we end up hurting ourselves more than we would have if we simply expressed them from the get-go.

    However, at the same time, positivity is certainly not a bad thing. Striving to look on the bright side can help us reduce stress and accomplish things that wouldn’t have been able to if we had been sitting around sulking in self-pity, despair, or negativity for weeks or months.

    So, how can we manage to find a balance of living in a positive mindset while still being true to our own emotions?

    When the feeling emerges, just let it out!

    Yes, there may be some circumstances where you may need to wait a bit, but be sure to let it out. If you feel a surge of sadness come over you, cry it out. If you need to talk about your feelings, confide in someone you trust.

    Don’t tell yourself to “look on the bright side.” Don’t tell yourself to focus on all the positive things.

    Just accept the feeling that you are experiencing and allow yourself to release it. You’ll notice that you feel better in doing so.

    When the feelings feel “cleared,” speak to yourself kindly and positively.

    If you lost your job, tell yourself throughout the day, “I am capable of getting another job” or “I may find something even more fulfilling.”

    If you’ve just gone through a break-up, tell yourself, “I am worthy of a supportive relationship” or “I am creating loving relationships in my life.”

    Shifting negative, worrisome thoughts to more empowering ones can help us gradually shift our energy from negative to positive.

    Many self-help authors tell us to “be positive” because having a positive attitude helps us get more out of life. People are attracted to positive energy. And positivity helps keep us motivated to continue doing the things we need to do.

    Remember that some feelings are going to linger—and that’s okay!

    Even if you think you cried it all out or talked it through sufficiently, your feelings may linger.

    You’re always going to experience sadness, worry, anger, and so on. It’s part of being human.

    So remember to acknowledge and accept that. Though there are certainly positive, happy, successful people out there, know that they still have their low moments and hard days too.

    The key to dealing with them successfully is to completely accept whatever you’re feeling, and consciously choose to work through it so you can let it go.

  • When Your Struggle Has Become Your Identity: How to Rediscover Yourself

    When Your Struggle Has Become Your Identity: How to Rediscover Yourself

    Lonely Girl

    “It ain’t what they call you. It’s what you answer to.” ~W.C. Fields

    For much of my life, I have struggled against the after effects of unresolved childhood trauma.

    For years, I didn’t even know how much of an issue it was. I thought it was completely normal to expect the worst or avoid intimacy like the plague.

    When I finally dragged myself into a therapist’s office and was diagnosed with “significant, complex trauma,” I initially felt free.

    And I admit, it was freeing. I now knew that this “thing” that I had been dealing with my entire life wasn’t just the result of me being “broken” or “born that way,” but it was a significant, understandable, and more importantly treatable response to a less than ideal childhood.

    I was flying high for a while as I attempted to recover with every type of self-help trick out there.

    But then came the fog. Somewhere in the mix I began to break down as I realized the true impact of what my therapist had told me. My entire identity up until that point in my life had been formed around that trauma. I didn’t know who I was without it.

    What did I like to do in my free time? What did I like eating? What was my favorite color, even? Was I funny, or was I more serious? As it turned out I had a lot to learn about myself, and I was going to have to start from scratch.

    I wish I could speak to you from atop a mountain of wisdom, but I can’t. I’m still in the process of figuring it all out. But there are a few things that have helped me remain strong and encouraged through the entire process.

    Release the struggle.

    This is, of course, easier said than done, but it is one of the most important parts of making peace with your past and untangling the trauma.

    The identity and narrative that was forced upon me was one of defeat and self-hate. I stuck to the narrative because that’s all I knew. I might as well have been introducing myself as “the girl whose parents don’t love her,” and “the girl who has failed to secure any meaningful, intimate relationships.”

    Realize, as I did, that the narrative is not yours. It is not your name. It is not what you have to answer to. There’s more to you. So much more. How are you going to start introducing yourself?

    Start from a place you know.

    For many of us—myself included—the onset of trauma was at a very early age, and it can be scary to try and delve into that. But “starting from a place you know” doesn’t necessarily mean the beginning of your life. It simply means picking a place to make your beginning.

    It could be the first time you remember laughing out loud or any positive memory that you have. What were you doing then? How did you feel? Who were you with? What could that experience be saying about you? This can be a great first step on your journey to discovery.

    Start from a place you don’t know.

    Seems like contradictory advice after the last point, right? But in a way, not knowing who you are can give rise to the most unexpected blessings.

    Many people have either defined themselves—or been defined by others—from day one. Some people live their entire lives this way, without ever feeling the desire or a reason to change. But you? You’re a blank canvas now, in a world full of paint. This is your chance to start creating a version of you that feels right.

    Remember what you have gained.

    As we begin this process of self-discovery, it can be very easy to get hung up on how wrong everything is, or was. Despite making significant gains (and if you’re reading this post, you probably already have!), you might find yourself focusing on what is still wrong.

    Take some time out of your day to remember how far you’ve come. Are you less anxious today than you were yesterday? Score! Did you discover a new interest but haven’t worked up the courage to try it yet? That’s still progress. The scoreboard is on your side, because we are counting wins, not losses in this game.

    Have patience.

    Patience, I admit, is pretty much a foreign language to me. I can’t pretend to be great at having it, but I will say, as hard as it is to have, it is absolutely necessary in this process.

    Discovering your new identity will take time. I’m talking months, even years. It can (and will!) seem like a wild goose chase at times, but the key is to remain patient and trust in the good work you are doing. Your efforts will be recognized.

    Take a break.

    As much as I have made my mental health a priority over the past year, it can be exhausting to feel like you have a huge problem you must fix looming over your shoulders at all times. This can lead to obsessive thoughts and dissatisfaction with your progress.

    It is important to stay focused on healing, but it is also important to get out of your own head sometimes. Throw yourself into work for a while. Get involved in an intense project to take your mind off yourself. These things help too, and keeping yourself productive is never a bad thing.

    Above all, the most important thing to keep in mind—and the thing that I keep learning every day—is that our greatest revelations don’t exactly show up in a nice, well-wrapped gift box. That would be great, right? But fortunately for us, they reveal themselves slowly, carefully, and right on time.

    As long as we stay the course, we’ll be able to see the new truths and lessons waiting for us further down the road.

    I wish you luck in your journey! Keep the faith.

  • How To Move Forward When You Feel Paralyzed by Uncertainty

    How To Move Forward When You Feel Paralyzed by Uncertainty

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A woman in a relationship that is breaking her spirit might remain there for fear of what leaving will bring.

    She doesn’t know if she will find another to care for her, and having a warm body is better than having no one. The uncertainty about whether or not she will survive that decision, and be happier for it, keeps her there.

    I know the harsh clutches of uncertainty all too well. It wasn’t long ago that I waffled and wavered about every decision I faced, feeling afraid to make one for fear that some mistakes cannot be undone.

    I resisted relationships because loving led to marriage and then divorce. I resisted starting my business because seven out of every ten businesses fail. I refused to quit the job because it was the only way I thought I could succeed.

    I allowed myself to fall in love only when I was certain that he loved me more and would stay. To ensure that it worked, I planned every detail of the relationship and the wedding.

    Feeling doubtful that this relationship was truly the one I wanted, I was unhappy and silently praying for something to happen to help me out. But I stayed the course because at least I knew what would happen next; I had it all planned.

    My awakening came when my engagement fell apart and there was nothing that I could do about it. I broke into a million pieces. I lost twenty pounds in one week and wept until there were no more tears.

    I had placed a certain level of trust in things working out and was certain that it would. The experience left me paralyzed because “I had it all planned.” What was I supposed to do then?

    I woke up daily gasping for air, knowing I’d go to work where I’d help people and come home to a crumbled life. It was then I knew that if I didn’t move I would die.

    I fought against the emotional pain of the break-up and decided that I would have no more of it. I quit my two jobs, went home, and began packing my bags.

    Two months later I sold my belongings, counted out the little savings I had stashed away for a safety net, and moved back to Jamaica to be with my family.

    I had no fear about what would happen; I had been so fearful for so long and life happened anyway. All I knew was that I needed to have a hand in my own life, to be an intentional co-creator of my reality, to accept uncertainty as a friend.

    So how do you move forward in uncertainty?

    1. Accept that at the root of uncertainty is a fear of failure.

    We’re not afraid that we don’t really know what’s going to happen tomorrow. We’re afraid that what happens tomorrow will be so painful that we won’t survive it. We have already created a worst-case scenario in our minds, and the likelihood of it becoming reality is what really keeps us bound, not uncertainty itself.

    Action Step: Examine your uncertainty. What lies at its root? What emotion comes up when you think about doing the thing that you’re uncertain about?

    2. Understand that failure is a natural part of life, and embracing uncertainty is key to defeating failure.

    Everybody fails, and failure holds the best opportunities for growth. When we succeed without experiencing failure, our account is narrow. A person who can speak to both failure and success has a much more textured life and can help others navigate both waters.

    For every success story that you hear, there are at least ten stories of failure to supplement it.

    Action Step: Talk with someone who you view as successful and ask about the times that they have failed.

    3. Embrace the idea that nothing is completely within your control.

    We saunter into the world daily, ignoring the many risks that we encounter. When we step out the door, we take an enormous leap of faith that we will get to our destination. We trust that other motorists are as diligent as we are. We hope that no one decides to harm us. We assume that we are healthy and nothing will happen to us.

    We hedge our bets with the universe, forgetting that nothing is guaranteed. It is just as likely that you will survive your break-up as it is that you will find another partner. It is just as likely that your business will succeed as it is that it will fail. Life is about taking risks, and without uncertainty, surprises would not exist.

    Action Step: Make note of everything that requires trust in the uncertain. Some of them are automatic, such as driving. Note the times you rely on others to make decisions in your best interest. What are you really in control of?

    4. Be willing to open up to the universe.

    When we release our expectations of what should happen for us, we allow the universe to deliver in ways far beyond our wildest dreams. By dwelling in uncertainty, we limit the space in which the universe has to work.

    Approaching the unknown with openness breeds a multiplicity of experiences that strengthen our resolve and help us grow. I learned my best lessons when I relinquished control.

    I quickly came to understand that in order for me to grow, I had to let go and leap. By choosing to remain paralyzed, I was choosing to rob myself of some of the best experiences of my life, like a new relationship that supports my growth and my beautiful daughter who helps me appreciate life.

    Action Step: Take a situation that you are uncertain about and imagine what could happen if it turns out ten times better than you hope it will. What emotions would you have attached to that experience? How would releasing expectation free you?

    5. “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.”

    This quote by Epictetus is an excellent piece of advice. It provides a clear path through uncertainty—taking one step at a time. Sometimes we look at the first step as insufficient, but all you need is one step.

    Once you take that step, the next step becomes easier, and so on. Having too definite a path can serve to block opportunities disguised as surprises.

    Action Step: Think back on all the experiences in which you only saw the first step. How did they turn out? Was the second step anything that you could have predicted?

    6. Take your worst-case scenario and dissect it, asking “what if?”

    “What if?” is a powerful question. It primes us for possibilities and allows us to examine the constancy of our reality. If we are fully devoted to the process, asking “what if” can challenge our perceptions of what is possible for us.

    So what if you did quit your job and had no money? Would you be forced to use talents that you have kept hidden? Would you face your fear of asking for favors?

    What if you left the relationship and didn’t find someone right away? Would you sit with yourself getting to know the you that you forgot in that relationship? Is the worst thing that could happen truly that bad?

    Action Step: Complete this activity with a trusted friend and continue until you can’t think of anything worse. Build a scenario of survival and thriving from your rock bottom.

    7. Keep moving forward.

    Nothing beats uncertainty like facing your fears. Moving forward brings you face to face with risk but also with hope.

    Your life is not the same as it was last year, nor will it be the same tomorrow. When you make an intentional choice to embrace uncertainty, you take back your power. Not only will you be at peace with what may come, you will also have released your attachment to things going exactly as planned.

    Action Step: If you are facing a paralyzing fear of the uncertain, your best bet is to take a step forward. Everyone has experienced the negative effects of uncertainty. The majority has thrived. You are not alone and you can do it.

    What steps have you taken when faced with paralyzing uncertainty? How did you move through it?

  • What to Do When You Know What You Want but Feel Stuck

    What to Do When You Know What You Want but Feel Stuck

    Stuck

    “What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.” ~Dalai Lama

    Five years ago I had a brilliant idea. Since I was pretty good with social media, I decided to start my own business helping companies develop their online presence.

    My goal was to work for myself, and the plan was that I’d quit my job, travel the world, create my own schedule, and earn a living doing something I’d seen others have a great deal of success doing.

    After spending weeks brainstorming I came up with the perfect name for my company. I wrote my mission statement, designed a logo, and purchased business cards. I took as many courses as I could in social media marketing and signed up for every newsletter available on the topic.

    At the time I thought my goals were clear. But after spending hundreds of dollars setting up the company and countless hours reading articles and taking trainings, I felt completely stuck.

    Every time I’d try to talk about my mission, I felt like a fraud. Every time I’d try to reach out to potential clients, something would stop me. I couldn’t even blog about social media marketing because my mind would go completely blank.

    After several months I decided to step away from the business and spend time volunteering in Brazil. It didn’t take long to gain clarity about what the issues were.

    For starters, just because I understand how social media marketing works doesn’t mean it’s something I should be dedicating my life and time to doing.

    I also realized that my reasons for starting this particular business had very little to do with bringing value to others, or even with my personal goals.

    I felt like a fraud because I wasn’t being authentic, and as long as I felt that way, I knew I’d continue seeking outside of myself for answers from trainings, articles, and books.

    It became clear that social media marketing was not what I truly wanted to do. It could potentially be a means to an end—an easy way to make money to facilitate the life I wanted—but that was missing the point completely.

    Yes, I wanted the freedom to create my own schedule and travel the world, but more importantly I wanted to feel fulfilled and contribute to something outside of myself.

    So let’s say you have a goal and know what you want. This can be a personal or professional goal. You wrote a mission statement and got together all the necessary “stuff” you think you need, but for some reason you can’t seem to move forward.

    Take a step back and ask yourself what’s really going on. Externally, you may have everything you need, but internally something probably isn’t adding up. Here are six steps to help you move forward:

    1. Be clear.

    Most people think they know what they want, but when they close their eyes they can’t visualize what that really looks like. Oftentimes, they can’t even verbalize what they want in a way that makes sense.

    If your “mission statement” contains a lot of fluff and jargon, this is a sign that you aren’t clear.

    If all you see are logos, titles, mission statements, and web designs, it’s time to dig a little deeper. How do you want to feel when you accomplish this goal, and what will the result look like once it’s completed? What value will this bring to you and those around you?

    2. Understand your “why.”

    “Why” is your reason for wanting to work toward this specific goal. It’s your motivation for starting on this journey, and it will continue to be the factor that pushes you through the moments when things become difficult or scary.

    Without a clear “why,” it becomes easy to lose focus, make excuses, and become stuck.

    What painful problem will accomplishing this goal solve for you, and “why” is that important?

    When I decided to start my own business, I was working in a job where I could no longer grow and felt completely unsupported and underutilized. My real “why” for wanting to start my own business was that I wanted to contribute to something outside of myself and bring value to others.

    3. Focus.

    Once you’re clear about what you want and the “why” behind it, it’s important to focus 100% of your attention on it. All aspects of your life are intertwined, and every decision you make is either in alignment with that vision or not. So even small and seemingly unrelated decisions will have an impact on your goal.

    Yes, your exercise habits impact your work performance, your personal relationships impact your sleep, and your decision to have a cup of coffee in the morning impacts your ability to focus on your mission.

    If something you’re doing isn’t in alignment with your greater vision, you need to be clear with why you’re doing it.

    4. Be willing to have difficult conversation and make difficult decisions.

    Difficult isn’t “bad.” In fact, when you’re clear about what you’re working toward, these “difficult” situations become purpose driven because they’re in service of a higher purpose.

    “Difficult” is often synonymous with “scary.” Embrace “scary” because it often means you’re at a breakthrough point. You’re stepping into the unknown, surrendering to something outside of yourself, and trusting in something greater.

    Walking away from my stable job was scary. Walking away from the business I’d started was even scarier. These were “difficult” yet necessary decisions to help me gain clarity on my real life goals.

    5. Let go of “Plan B.”

    While having a backup plan (or multiple) can be tempting, and even seem “responsible,” it’s often nothing more than a safety net. “Plan B” is your first loser, your second place option. But why have a goal if you’re willing to settle for second best?

    Having a “Plan B” will remove some of your urgency toward “Plan A.” It also means that you have to split some of your efforts away from your primary goal to ensure that your backup plan remains in tact.

    But if you really believe in what you’re doing, any energy that’s not being used in direct support of that primary mission is energy not well spent.

    When I decided to start my own business, I also decided to leave my job. While this was a scary decision, by not having that stable job to fall back on, I was pushed to get creative and find other ways to maintain my lifestyle while I gained clarity. This is how I ended up as a volunteer in Brazil.

    6. Show up and do the work.

    Words have power, so stop referring to yourself as “stuck,” “lost,” “unmotivated,” and as a “procrastinator.”

    Do the work to gain clarity on your goal and your why, then focus. Spend time visualizing what the outcome of your hard work will look and feel like, then use your words and actions to demonstrate your intention, belief in, and commitment to your purpose.

    Instead of calling yourself “stuck,” “lost,” “unmotivated,” and a “procrastinator,” start referring to yourself as focused, driven, motivated, and excited. If you’re going to do something, really do it—or don’t. But don’t live somewhere in between.

    —

    Spending time working in Brazil was a huge eye opener. By volunteering, I was contributing to something outside of myself and as a result felt more fulfilled and purpose-driven.

    As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if you have a website, logo, or business cards; if you want to live a meaningful life, you have to learn from your personal experiences, show up, and provide real value.

    Stuck image via Shutterstock