Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Making a Big Decision When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is Right

    Making a Big Decision When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is Right

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Over the last two and a half years, I have made some big changes in my life. And by big, I mean enormous.

    First, I moved with my husband and our children from a home I loved for ten years. Shortly after, my husband and I ended a twenty-year relationship and marriage. With that separation, I made the decision to buy the house we had moved to, which on paper, I shouldn’t have been able to buy.

    Apparently ending a long commitment and beginning a large financial one on my own wasn’t enough for me, though. The following year I resigned from a secure job to pursue a dream I hadn’t fully envisioned and started a business without projected goals.

    When I list out all the changes, I start to question my own sanity.

    I have never been one to make quick decisions, especially ones that I hadn’t thought through. I was raised by my father, a self-proclaimed workaholic, who spent his career as a high-powered executive for a high-risk industrial insurance company.

    I was not bred to believe in taking chances, to live on instinct alone, and to leave anything that resembled security. You just don’t do that. But something was stirring in me that kept me unsettled.

    I knew it was time to make changes, and I knew those changes were absolutely not guaranteed to work in my favor. I was scared—no, terrified—to alter the course of my life, but standing still gave me even more anxiety.

    How do you make the decision to change your entire life and know it’s truly right for you?

    I have a secret, one that I’ve used consistently in recent years when making decisions that weighed heavily on me.

    It’s a technique that simplifies the agonizing back and forths of “should I or shouldn’t I?” One I wished I learned when I was younger to ward off some major bouts of indecisiveness and internal torment. Although in retrospect, I would not have been ready to use it until I was actually ready to hear it.

    When I was agonizing over the idea of ending my marriage, I reached out to a friend who had recently undergone some of his own major life changes. I didn’t tell him what I was debating, but I told him it was big.

    He gave me the most valuable advice I had ever received. “To make the decision, take the fear out, and then you’ll know.”

    What? How on Earth do you take the fear out? I had lived in fear for the majority of my existence. How do you keep yourself safe if you don’t live in the fear? In fact, fear is safe. It kept me securely in the life I felt like I was suffocating in. I knew exactly what to expect.

    Why step outside for fresh air if there is no guarantee that that air is not poisonous? Who does that? Maybe I do. Or at least maybe I could ask.

    So I asked the question to myself out loud, and then I took the fear out. Completely out. No worries in the world, fairy tale ending out. I had to conceptualize what the fears looked like and what they actually were.

    My biggest fear was that I couldn’t manage life on my own, including running a household financially and physically. What if I tried and I failed? What would I do?

    To discard the fear, I had to “what if” the opposite. “What if I tried and succeeded? How would I feel if I managed on my own and figured out each step of the way?”

    I also worried about the lack of emotional support and wondered if I would come home from work each day crumbling and crying and not be able to parent my children effectively. I had always had a partner, someone to rely on and to pick me back up when I fell.

    I knew the feeling of being alone, and I knew how awful it felt to think that I couldn’t handle it. I felt like a failure even before I tried.

    Then I asked myself, “What if I used my resources for emotional support? What if I relied on my friends and family—and what if I relied on myself?” The reversal of the what-ifs felt powerful and motivating. And I knew it was possible they could be true.

    When we tell ourselves lies, it feels awful; when we speak the truth, it is light and freeing. Each truth I spoke felt closer to answering my own question.

    Not only did I have to identify each fearful “what if,” but I also had to remove them. This can be done by listing them on paper and crossing them out or simply calling them by name and removing them from the equation like they don’t exist.

    I saw them each, one by one, stand up to me. There were so many. And then, one by one, I asked them to leave the room. And there came my answer: it was time to let go.

    It was not an answer I particularly liked, nor was it easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest answers I’ve ever had to accept. But it was honest, and it was accurate. Our heart always knows the answer when we gain the courage to even ask.

    Since that day, I have been faced with a multitude of opportunities to use and teach this technique. It has never steered me wrong. And throughout making the changes, I had to walk through those fears with each step. They appear over and over again and need to be confronted on a regular basis.

    It is not an easy task, but it’s no more challenging than living with them. Living in fear is not far from not living at all. It is intermittently debilitating and paralyzing, yet always extraordinarily painful, even when it’s safe.

    Whenever I hit the wall of self-doubt after following through with the decisions I’ve made, I look back at who I was a few years ago and ask what she would think of me.

    The answer is consistent. I am the woman I would have envied from afar. A woman strong enough to live a life she didn’t know she wanted at first glance, but one that allowed her to be her authentic self. I chose to take the fear out and, in turn, chose to live as myself.

    Making a big decision? Go ahead, take the fear out, and then you will know exactly what it is your heart wants you to know.

  • The Secret to Replacing Agitation with Calmness

    The Secret to Replacing Agitation with Calmness

    Calm Man

    “Calmness is the cradle of power.” ~Josiah Gilbert Holland

    I was interested, recently, to find that our local supermarket had set up an area with ten self-service checkouts. For years I‘d accepted the normal method of bagging and paying for my stuff. No stress there. But they’d installed some new technology and I was keen to give it a try.

    All new things bring with them hiccups or small difficulties of some kind. The self-service area was no exception.

    Sure, I did receive the correct change. And, it was definitely the fun experience I looked forward to. However, a queuing area hadn’t yet been established, so people just jumped into a vacant self-service spot as soon as one became available, oblivious to the fact that others were waiting.

    Here was the dilemma.

    Should I have called out in a loud voice, “Hey you! What about the queue?” (angry response) OR “Excuse me. Do you mind going to the end of the queue?”(polite response) OR continue to wait in line without commenting. (I could either churn myself up internally or mutter to the person next to me or to myself.)

    Being a bit shy, I was not fond of using the angry or polite responses. I was actually churning inside over such a small thing. After all, it only meant I’d be held up a few minutes.

    Have you been guilty of getting anxious inside over something as trivial as queue jumping?

    The Secret to Replacing Agitation with Calmness

    So what is the secret?

    I’ve given it the name: reaction awareness. Let me explain.

    When you are in a situation where you feel your insides churning, become aware of your reaction to that situation. By observing what is happening in this way, you are in control. You have the power to calm the negative reaction welling up inside you.

    Reaction awareness allows you to replace a churning reaction with a calming one. You’ll actually lessen the severity of any negativity that arises.

    How It Works in Practice

    Okay, you’re aware of your reaction, but how can you lessen the negative results of each particular situation, on your body?

    Reaction awareness consists of two techniques.

    One technique deals with developing calmness as soon as a stress or annoyance arises. Of course, not all of the ideas listed below are ideal for each situation. Your choice will depend on where you are and what has happened.

    On the other hand, you might select just one that you’ll use every time because you know it would be the most comfortable and useful response for you.

    The second technique involves the regular practice of activities that over the long term will become part of you, like a habit. These activities will strengthen you so that when situations occur in the future, you’ll be ready and well prepared for them. You’ll be equipped to handle yourself better.

    Quick Techniques for Immediate Use

    • Use breathing. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. Turn away from the situation so that it’s out of sight for a minute or two.
    • Reduce surrounding noise. Turn off loud music and change to calm, quieter sounds.
    • Ask someone to massage your shoulders. This is where tension is stored. A quick massage can release the tension and relax you.
    • Count to ten. This was the technique popularized when I was a kid.
    • Drink water. Make a warm drink with lemon to soothe you, or have a glass of water.

    Activities to Practice Over Time for Long-Term Benefit

    • Use breathing exercises. The most basic is to inhale, then exhale, using the nose, both to the count of four. Yoga enthusiasts will know various breathing exercises they can use. Or consult a practitioner for the ones that will give you most benefit.
    • Sit quietly. We are conditioned to thinking we must be doing something every moment of every day. If we’re not sending a text message, we’re “tweeting” or “liking” someone. Just sit and quietly read, practice mindfulness, or enjoy a short time of shut-eye.
    • Walk or jog outdoors. Choose a place with trees, grass, or flowers, because they send a calming message to the brain.
    • Have “me” time. You are important so treat yourself as important. Do something you love doing but rarely have (or make) time to do.
    • Recognize the triggers. Know particular situations in advance when you’re sure you’ll flare up or need calming. Two of mine are feeling very cold, or feeling thirsty/hungry. Know the triggers that create agitation for you, so you can be better prepared. You’ll gain that state of calmness quicker.

    Because the last five listed above are ideas to be used over the long term, it’s important to practice them on a regular basis. You might like to select just one or two and master them.

    Try them. See which ones calm you down. Your body will thank you because calmness, rather than an uptight feeling, will be the norm.

    Why Should You Use Reaction Awareness?

    It’s healthy. Your body doesn’t respond as angrily as you might without using it.

    According to Josiah Holland, calmness is the place from which power emerges. In other words, by using this technique, you are developing an inner strength—an inner power and confidence—because you are in control of each situation. You haven’t let your emotions take control of you.

    Using reaction awareness is definitely not a sign of weakness. The confidence it creates in your ability to handle awkward or difficult situations by reacting calmly enables you to face each day with your head held high. You exude that special quality not many people have, of inner peace and strength.

    In Summary

    Many times each week, you’ll find yourself in situations where you can either forget all about action awareness, or use it. The choice is yours. Remember, you are in charge of your life and your health.

    When you practice reaction awareness, you’ll be prepared for anything—almost. In whatever situation you find yourself, you’ll be replacing agitation with calmness.

    As you deal with every issue, you’ll become more confident. You’ll become a source of strength and calm for others around you.

    Calm man on a cloud image via Shutterstock

  • Fairy Tale Endings Don’t Exist (but Real Love Can Be Better)

    Fairy Tale Endings Don’t Exist (but Real Love Can Be Better)

    Fairy Tale

    “You cannot live with expectations because life has no obligation to fulfill your desires. You can live with an open heart, but you cannot live with expectations.” ~Osho

    Will you marry me?

    These four life-changing words have been haunting me for a while. Like many other girls in long-term relationships, I waited anxiously for the day I’d get to say yes. But does anyone really know what they’re saying yes to?

    When you’re in your late twenties, it seems your entire network of friends and acquaintances pair up, some in a desperate frenzy to not end up alone. And not a beat too late, Facebook obnoxiously fills your smartphone with photos of rings, babies, and every wedding-related detail you never cared to know.

    You’d like to just stop checking. But you can’t. You feel happy for some. But for others, you wonder why they’re getting a fairy tale ending and you’re not. Well, they’re not either.

    Fairy tale endings don’t exist. At least not in the way we think. And a wedding certainly doesn’t mean anyone is “ending up” anywhere. 

    My husband’s appendix burst one year before our wedding. It was a long, paranoia-filled recovery, but we got through it.

    Then my grandmother passed away.

    Then we lost a battle with a poison sumac bush.

    Our basement bathroom flooded with dirty toilet water a few weeks after we moved in.

    We fought. Intensely.

    Two weeks before our wedding, my husband had to get a second surgery for his appendix because it had miraculously grown back and gotten itself infected again.

    The doctors were just as shocked as we were. Apparently, they never took the appendix out the first time because they simply couldn’t find it, assuming it had exploded. They found it this time.

    I was grateful that we were getting through all the hard stuff before the wedding. I was grateful we’d still get our happy ending even if he wasn’t able to dance at the reception. The Universe would surely give us a break after the wedding, I thought. I was terribly mistaken.

    After we got married, there were suddenly a million things I wanted to change about my husband. The way he dealt with problems, the way he made empty promises to do chores, the way he spent his time, the way he slept, the way he ate, the way he breathed.

    I didn’t really understand it because I had known him for over five years already. I knew who I was marrying. And after all that had happened, you’d think I wouldn’t care so much about the small stuff. But I cared. A lot.

    The aftermath of the second surgery was still taunting us and I was tired of being supportive. This was not what I imagined married life to be.

    My expectations of marriage were drowning me in disappointment. I’d become one of those women who want to “fix” their husbands. It was making both of us miserable.

    It occurred to me that I was feeling this way because I was scared out of my mind. How did I end up with someone who leaves dirty laundry lying around? How did I end up with someone who does dishes differently than I do? How did I end up with someone who can’t read my mind?

    I was panicking because I thought this was it. This is where my story ends and I haven’t figured everything out yet. I began to imagine having the same fights in twenty or thirty years. I couldn’t accept it.

    The thing is, your story doesn’t end when you get married, nor does it begin. It continues just as your life has always continued.

    Some people have this terribly skewed idea of what it’s like to be married. As though they’ll finally have made it. As though they’ll cross this river of success and will happily enjoy adulthood on the other side.

    Marriage is by no means an answer to any of life’s questions. It does not equate to happiness. It does not mean you’ve made it.

    It’s one of the oldest and most difficult to understand institutions in the world. And it will only thrive when you stop having expectations society has given you, expectations you didn’t even know you had until they come out one day in a terribly ugly display of disappointment.

    I’ve only now begun to realize that this isn’t “it.”

    Being a wife doesn’t define me. Being a husband certainly doesn’t define him. We’re still two people feeling our way through life, just as we were when we first met. But we’ve decided to put on paper that we’d do it together. That’s all it is.

    In the same way people say that you’re never really ready for a baby, you’re never really ready for marriage either. And it’s not because you don’t love the person or don’t enjoy their company.

    It’s not because you don’t feel joy at the idea of spending every day and night with them doing everything you’ve ever wanted to do, as though you’re on an extended vacation together that’s going to last forever and ever.

    It’s not because you didn’t mean it when you promised in front of everyone to be with this person in sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live.

    It’s all very sweet and romantic to think about when you’re in love with someone. But marriage isn’t about being with someone you’re madly in love with because you happen to only see their best traits.

    Marriage is about being with a person who is as complex and imperfect as you are, and accepting them for it.

    Marriage is about being with someone whose ability to bring out both the best and worst in you brings you to your knees.

    Marriage is humbling. It’s scary. It’s messy. It’s unpredictable. And for those who figure out how to make it work through all the adversities you will find yourselves in, marriage becomes a testament of truth and of love. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

    Pumpkin carriage image via Shutterstock

  • Why Losing Weight Might Not Make You Happy (and What Will)

    Why Losing Weight Might Not Make You Happy (and What Will)

    Love Every Bit of Yourself

    “When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ~Kim McMillen 

    Sometimes people ask us questions that change our lives, questions that require us to dig down deep and think about what’s really important. Questions that push the envelope and show us that maybe the direction we’re going in isn’t the one we want.

    My cousin, unknowingly, asked me one of those questions over ten years ago:

    “Well, this is what you always wanted. Are you happy now?”

    I was stunned. It had been such a long time since anyone had ever asked me that. But, much more than that, I was embarrassed that she recognized that “this” is what I always wanted.

    How vain. How trite. How trivial when it came to life as a whole.

    I answered, with a feeling of shame, “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

    And then we walked back upstairs to join the rest of the dinner party.

    I later recognized that, no, I was not happy now that I had “this.” “This” was my weight. I was the smallest I’d ever been.

    I was at a healthy weight before, but it wasn’t enough for me to feel good enough.

    I despised my thick thighs, longed for a leaner tummy, and wished my back fat would just disappear already.

    And now here I was, where I thought I wanted to be, and I couldn’t be more miserable.

    I was shocked. How could this be?

    I’d envisioned feeling so much differently at this weight. Happy. Healthy. Vibrant.

    I’d have a new kick to my step, be the life of the party, and radiate happiness.

    Instead, I was lethargic, grumpy, constipated, and a sense of sadness kept me from ever feeling like me. And trust me, when you can’t feel like your true you, it’s impossible to reflect bounds of happiness and joy. 

    When I realized that I was now “here” and more miserable than ever, it was a turning point. Don’t get me wrong, it was a long slow turn I was going to need to make, but I knew it would be a game-changing one.

    Part of making that turn was recognizing that the number on the scale was never my problem. My problem was that I never felt like I was good enough.

    I thought if I looked a certain way and was thinner, I’d automatically be happier, have more friends, find a loving partner, and be liked more.

    Bottom line: my struggles with body image, food rules, and my weight were symptoms of me not feeling like I was good enough—not actually food. 

    So, I started to address an issue that no diet, food program, meal plan, or fitness routine ever really does: self-love.

    I wasn’t an overnight success story. It took time. And in all honesty, I didn’t even know if I was capable of doing it. (I was.)

    All I knew was that I was ready for my pain to incite change and to grow into a healthier, happier human in body, mind, soul, and spirit.

    Here are some things I learned along my self-love journey that may help you too.

    Being kind to yourself may feel foreign at first.

    Speaking kindly to yourself, appreciating the good in yourself, and treating yourself as you would treat a close friend may seem odd at first. Know that this is normal. Just keep it up and soon it won’t seem so foreign.

    And in all honesty, when you start to do this (and realize how unkind you’ve been to yourself), it won’t be too surprising why you’ve been having a hard time making the next step.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t move along in your journey when your star player is constantly doubting, bullying, and sabotaging him or herself. Be kind to yourself.

    You have to forgive yourself.

    If you’re a sensitive soul, like me, you don’t forgive yourself easily. If the same thing happened to a friend, you’d forgive them in a heartbeat, but yourself, no way.

    When we’re living with blame or shame, we use food to soothe, stay in unhealthy relationships, and let go of all of our boundaries.

    Forgive yourself, just as you would a friend, for the things you’ve been holding on to.

    Let them go so you can move forward without that baggage and live in the light. Write a forgiveness letter to yourself and then burn it, mediate, use mantras, or journal—whatever helps you forgive and let go.

    Until you accept yourself, you’ll keep searching for happiness elsewhere.

    The simple realization that happiness is an inside job is transformative. It’s freeing, really.

    It makes you think about what’s really important to you, what makes you come alive, and what you want more of in your life. You’ll discover it’s not your weight, hair color, or how much money you make.

    When you uncover these questions and discover that self-love and acceptance are the keys to living a life of love, you’ll be consumed with joy.

    You see, a lot of us wait until we get “there” to start doing what we really want to do. But, what if you started doing things because you knew that’s what lit up your soul in the now? I bet you’d get “there” that much faster. 

    You can change your script.

    Remember that at any point, you can change the script of your life. Your past doesn’t define you and neither does your undetermined future. The only thing that matters is now, so make your now one that empowers, strengthens, and fills you with love.

    You have to give love to feel love.

    Smile at others. Give compliments. Express gratitude. You want more love? Then show it. The Universe will throw back at us what we give out, so give good. Give love. And open your heart to the tiny miracles that happen daily around you with thanks.

    When we’re filled with love and gratitude, we make more loving and gracious choices for our bodies, others, and ourselves—and that’s the real food for a journey of self-love.

    Love yourself image via Shutterstock

  • The Most Common Cause for Overeating and How to Overcome It

    The Most Common Cause for Overeating and How to Overcome It

    Woman with Cookie

    “When we run from our feelings, they follow us. Everywhere.” ~Martha Beck, Ph.D

    I’ve tried Paleo, The 4-Hour Body, even Body for Life.

    I’ve tried intermittent fasting. (That was no fun.)

    I’ve tried low-carb, carb-cycling, and carb-binging. (While I don’t think that’s a diet strategy, it was what I experienced.)

    Sure, I lost weight temporarily, but I never felt like I “arrived.” I never felt…good.

    Ironically, it took me gaining weight to learn the secret.

    How Will I Know When I’ve “Arrived”?

    Is there an image inside your head of what you “should” look like?

    I was haunted by those “before” and “after” pictures.

    I could certainly identify with the “before” picture, and I wanted to look like the “after” picture. But no matter how disciplined I ate, no matter how many fitness classes I did, I never felt like I reached the “after” picture.

    Eventually, my husband’s job changed, and stress decided to make itself a nice and comfy spot on the internal couch in my mind.

    I found myself eating in front of the TV after dinner. I would sneak squares of chocolate when no one was looking. I had an extra glass of wine at night.

    Pretty soon, my clothes didn’t fit quite right.

    “Well, I lost the weight before. I can do it again, right?” But this time, my old tricks were not working.

    Not Good Enough

    Early in our lives (especially as women), the world teaches us that we need to have the perfect body in order to be worthy. Worthy of love, attention, validation, you name it. And we learn that lesson well.

    We may not like it, but deep down, how our bodies look really matters.

    And no matter how we look, we don’t look good enough.

    Just spend thirty minutes watching TV and all the commercials will tell you. Nearly every ad campaign is telling us something to the effect of:

    • We are not attractive enough (unless we buy their product)
    • We are not slim enough (unless we buy their product)
    • We are not happy enough (but we will be, if we buy their product)

    Naturally, not being (fill in the blank) enough feels bad.

    What do we turn to in order to help ourselves feel better?

    The commercials have an answer for that too. Their ads perpetuate the lie that food will make us feel better.

    For so many of us, eating is an unconscious way of avoiding pain. The pain of worry, fear, anger, stress, doubt—all of which are normal feelings that are universal to us as humans.

    The thing is, these feelings are signals from our bodies. They are flashing signs with a message that we fail to read because we have our blinders on.

    We end up creating a layer of armor (otherwise known as fat) that protects us from our pain.

    The problem is that running from our pain creates new stresses, like weight gain and health problems, which are more painful than the original painful feelings we tried to escape from.

    You Are Not Broken, There Is No Need to Fix It

    So how do we fix the pain that was caused by avoiding the pain?

    We can remove the armor of fat by letting down our defenses and allowing ourselves to not fix our pain, worry, fear, or anger.

    When we make these feelings okay, we honor ourselves and our bodies.

    We have these feelings for a reason; they are not meant to be ignored.

    If we let ourselves really feel those painful emotions, we can then start the process of letting them go instead of stuffing them down our throats. Once we no longer have to protect ourselves from our pain, then we are able to let go of our excess weight as well.

    “So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior.” ~Pema Chödrön

    I was finally able to simply acknowledge my fear of the unknown. Just naming it helped me to be still with it.

    I began to realize that it was not my extra weight that was the problem. My fear of the unknown was the disease that caused the symptom of gaining weight.

    Gradually, I began (and am still learning) to appreciate my body for showing up for me. If I want to stand up, my legs work. If I want to eat, my insides digest my food. If I wanted to see, I open my eyes.

    For me, acknowledging my feelings is the key to loving my body and letting go of unhealthy weight.

    Letting Go Practice

    Try this quick visualization technique to practice honoring your feelings and letting them go.

    Take a deep breath. Try to name what it is that you are feeling. Just naming it helps.

    Feel where that feeling resides in your body. Is it creating tension in your shoulders; a feeling in the pit of your stomach?

    Imagine this feeling as a gas. Give it a color like yellow, green, grey, or black.

    Pretend that you are able to reach into your body and compress this feeling like a snowball. Make it smaller and smaller until you could hold it in your hand.

    Now imagine that you are able to put a glass sphere around this gas/feeling. See the gas inside of the glass ball.

    Mentally reach into your body and remove the ball of gas. Hold it in your hand and extend your arm.

    Loosen your fingers a little and notice your fingerprints on the glass. You have held it inside your body for so long that it almost felt like it was part of you. But it is separate and you can let it go.

    Imagine opening your fingers and slowly letting the ball drop to the floor. You may feel an irrational desire to scoop it up as it is falling. This is normal because the pain is so familiar that it almost feels scary to lose it.

    Let the ball drop all the way to the floor and shatter. See the gas escape and disappear, washed away in the clean air.

    This may take some practice since we are often good at letting go, and then grabbing our fears back so we can dwell on them. Stick with it.

    You just might find that releasing strong emotions lightens your physical body as well as your spiritual one.

    Woman with cookie image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Proven Ways to Create a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    5 Proven Ways to Create a Happy, Fulfilling Life

    Happiness

    “It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit.” ~Denis Waitley

    Happiness.

    You want it. You seek it. You wonder about it.

    You’re constantly reminded that you are living in one of the greatest times ever.

    Violence is lower than ever before in human history.

    The quality of life we experience in Western countries is higher than it’s ever been.

    And you’re bombarded with advice, tips, and tricks on how to construct your diet for optimal physical health, with minimal time and effort.

    However, you can’t help but wonder: Are any of these things actually contributing to your experience of personal happiness? Or are they just making the world run faster?

    As an avid student of happiness, I struggled with this as well. In my research, I’ve discovered five timeless principles that lead to a happy life.

    How many of the following statements are true for you?

    1. You have a clear definition of happiness.

    You would never pursue a career goal that was as subjective as just more growth, nor would you want your child to grow up to be just a good citizen. So why would you have a personal goal of simply being happier?

    Happier can mean so many things to so many people.

    We all know what happiness feels like, but do you know what specifically contributes to your happiness? You must clarify what happiness truly looks like for you.

    For example, my friends are often surprised that I don’t want anybody to give me presents.

    I simply do not enjoy owning objects. They decrease my happiness, not add to it. The more you own, the more things you have to manage. I would rather spend time meeting friends for a coffee than fixing my broken smartwatch.

    Of course, when I get gifts, I do not express negativity; I accept them with gratitude, but I definitely do not encourage them.

    How about you?

    Do you prefer to be doing physical exercise rather than indoor activities?

    Do you prefer to spend time doing group activities rather than solo activities?

    You are a unique individual, unlike all others. What are your preferences?

    Clarity here can change your life.

     2. You regard happiness as a choice.

    Many people believe that happiness is predetermined—that we are born with a happiness set point that never changes, and that no matter what we do, have, think, become, or create, we cannot affect our inherent levels of happiness.

    But those who understand that happiness is a choice see that this simply is not true.

    Two experiments were conducted to see the effect that simply “trying to be happier” has on our happiness.

    In one of the experiments, two groups of people were given happy music to listen to, and one of the groups were instructed to make it their intention to feel happier.

    Even though both groups were listening to positive music, the group who made a concerted effort to emotionally benefit from the music experienced significantly increased positive moods afterward.

    As the researcher stated:

    “[Our] results suggest that without trying, individuals may not experience higher positive changes in their well-being… thus, practitioners and individuals interested in happiness interventions might consider the motivational mindset as an important facet of improving well-being.”

     3. You practice happiness as a skill.

    Building on the previous point, we not only must decide that happiness is a goal we will focus on, but we must also regard it as a skill to master.

    I can’t fathom how anyone wouldn’t pursue a mastery of happiness.

    We spend our whole lives practicing and learning a wide variety of things, completely disregarding the most important aspect of life, our own well-being.

    Instead of reading the newspaper or latest celebrity news and becoming an expert on people who you don’t know, why not read a book on philosophy, psychology, or personal development?

    Instead of watching TV and becoming an expert on sitcoms and talk shows, why not watch an interview online about how to pursue your passions, deal with stress, or develop inner peace with meditation?

    If you are going to spend your time developing a skill set in something, why not develop the skill of happiness?

     4. You welcome unhappiness.

    Of course, we must address the inevitable cycles of life: we all go through times of distress, sadness, and confusion, and they’re valuable parts of our journey.

    For us to even have the experience of happiness, we must know what unhappiness feels like, just as we would never know what the warmth of the sun feels like unless we had experienced the winter chills.

    Let tough times be. Acknowledge them. Feel them. Put no timeframe on remorse, disappointment, or sadness.

    Know that tough times are a required part of the cycle, and when you come back stronger, wiser, and more determined, you’ll be happier than ever.

     5. You choose to create happiness now as opposed to making it a future goal.

    While making an effort to be happier in the present (which works, as noted in number two above), you must ensure you’re not obsessed with happiness and making it your future goal (which does not work).

    Why does making happiness a future goal reduce our happiness?

    The reason is simple: happiness is an emotional state. Therefore, it varies and fluctuates with time, as do all emotions.

    Also, an obsession with happiness can prevent us from going out in the world and helping others, spending time with family and friends, and enjoying our present surroundings.

    There was a time when I was unemployed, my health was suffering, and I had lost touch with close friends.

    What saddened me more than these life events, however, was my internal dialogue. I consistently thought, “This is not what life is meant to be like” and hoped the future would be brighter.

    I came to realize that it was my mental commentary on how unhappy I was that made me so unhappy.

    As I let go of my mental image of “how life should be,” I gained clarity regarding my situation, and I started to appreciate what I still had.

    I then decided to spend more time outdoors in nature, give to charity (where possible), and spend more time with family and friends.

    I realized that I was so obsessed with pursuing happiness in the future that I was completely oblivious to how I could live happily in the present, irrespective of personal circumstances.

    As I began to think more clearly, with less negative self-talk, I was able to act with more confidence and eventually turn my situation around, while living with more peace and happiness.

    True happiness comes from practicing habits that increase our positive emotions and fulfillment in the here and now, pursuing meaningful activities today, and never worrying about “auditing” ourselves for the attainment of a specific happiness-goal in the future.

    Moving Forward

    When we know what happiness means to us individually, we’re able to better ourselves so we can, in turn, inspire others to pursue their own journey. This also gives us the energy to better the world we live in, and allows us to enjoy this gift we’ve been given called life.

    So spend today focusing your thoughts and efforts toward worthy goals. Become wiser as each day goes past, give kindly to others, and know that happiness is your right and your path, but not your future goal. Happiness is available to us all now.

    Happiness image via Shutterstock

  • Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

    Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

    Smiley

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    I have a confession to make—I sometimes cringe when someone tells me to “just be positive.” I’ve often assumed this really means, “Your sadness is making me uncomfortable, so please stop talking about it.”

    To be fair, I wouldn’t classify myself as a negative person—not now, anyways—though I have my moments. I do, however, feel for anyone who might be classified that way, as I know from experience that deep negativity often comes from deep pain.

    We all face our own battles in life, some more overwhelming than others. And sometimes it seems nearly impossible to nurture a positive attitude.

    But it is possible. And sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps us going when it seems unlikely we’ll find our way through the darkness.

    Optimism is a powerful thing. When you’re optimistic, you don’t deny that you’re going through a hard time. You don’t suppress your feelings or pretend you’re happy. You simply believe that something good could come from your struggles—even if you can’t yet fathom what that might be.

    You believe that life is happening for you, not to you, and that you’re not a victim but rather someone with immense potential to overcome your odds and thrive.

    Because you believe, you’re able to keep moving forward—learning, growing, and making the best of your circumstances—when it would be easier to give up.

    I’m always inspired to read stories from people who’ve found silver linings in tragedy because it reminds me that we have immense power to shape our lives through our perceptions and responses. This is what brought me to Dave Mezzapelle’s new book 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People.

    Dave’s on a mission to get people to “power their lives with the positive.”

    In this follow-up to his bestselling book Contagious Optimism, he’s collected more than 100 stories from amazingly resilient individuals, and compiled them into 10 chapters based on—you guessed it—the habits of optimistic people.

    I’m grateful that Dave took the time to answer some questions about himself and his book, and that he’s provided two copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    10 Habits of Truly Optimistic PeopleThe Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People http://bit.ly/1DEk1RR

    You can enter until midnight PST on Wednesday, April 8th.  Two winners will be chosen at random on April 9th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to create this series.

    I have always been a positive, upbeat person and very optimistic. And, I always made it a point to find the bright side of a problem, which I found made it easier to surmount. In addition, I have always loved people’s stories.

    Over the course of the past twenty years, my alma mater, Fairfield University in Connecticut, had suggested that I write a book on optimism in business. This was based on the way I ran my company for seventeen years.

    I didn’t have an interest in writing something like this until 2010. I literally woke up one day and said, “I will do it. But let’s not just make it about me. Let’s make it about lots of people. And let’s not just make it about business. Instead, let’s make it about many of life’s themes including business.”

     2. What have you learned about the benefits of optimism?

    After spending years collecting silver lining stories from around the globe, one of the most powerful facts I learned is that being a positive, optimistic person not only allows people to achieve greatness, but it has numerous mental and physical benefits as well.

    From a biological standpoint, we benefit from the release of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine when we are happy, positive, and optimistic.

    Mentally, we find ourselves in a good place that makes everything else seem easier (or at least less difficult for those that are going through tough times).

    People have nothing to lose from being positive versus the stress they definitely gain from being negative. Don’t run away from obstacles and adversity but be positive in your ability to address and surmount them.

    And when we are feeling good about ourselves and optimistic about our future, we tend to look better as well. Our skin tone, our posture, and our confidence all shine. And, even our physique improves when we combine optimism with a workout or exercise schedule.

    3. The book features more than 100 true stories from people who’ve learned the power of optimism. I’m sure you found all of them inspiring in different ways, but is there one that really stuck with you—and why?

    They all have affected me. In addition to the 100 stories you referenced in this book, we have thousands in our essay bank for future volumes. It has been nothing shy of awesome being able to read these stories and learn about these people.

    What sticks with me is not one particular story but the fact that everyone has a silver lining story to share. However, I will share an amazing story about Yvette Pegues.

    Yvette was an employee of IBM in their global patent office. She traveled the world and knew many languages. She also has two young boys and a terrific husband.

    One day Yvette had terrible headaches and was rushed to the hospital to find that she had a genetic brain malformation. They performed emergency surgery, which caused a brain stem stroke that left her in a wheelchair for life.

    Instead of letting this bring her down, she was a first responder to the earthquake in Haiti (the same year of her stroke—2010). She also competed in and won Miss Wheelchair Georgia and, in 2014, Miss Wheelchair USA where I was the keynote speaker.

    Today, Yvette has devoted her life to helping children worldwide improve their literacy skills.

    4. In one of your previous interviews, you talked about the steps you believe people should follow to help them embrace optimism when facing hurdles, with the acronym “GSM.” Can you tell us more about those three steps?

    GSM stands for Gratitude, Stories, and Magnet.

    Gratitude—you need to be grateful for even the smallest things in life. This can be something simple like the sunrise, a glass of water, your pet, or the smell of the ocean. Simple gratitude makes everything feel special, big or small.

    Stories—When people are going through tough times, they tend to think that they’re alone. However, when they hear or read stories of how others have persevered, it gives them hope. And, hope is that important foundation of optimism.

    Magnet—“Optimism is a happiness magnet.” ~Mary Lou Retton. I love this quote. You want to surround yourself with good, uplifting people. Their happiness and positive attitude is certainly contagious. It brings you up and adds light to your day.

    But, conversely, sometimes it’s difficult to avoid the negative people, the naysayers, and the cynics. Unfortunately, their negativity is contagious as well. They may be in your office, your classroom, or your apartment.

    In those cases, just ignore their chatter and simply tolerate them. It doesn’t mean you need to absorb their energy. Don’t take their negative opinions to heart and don’t let them influence you.

    5. Conventional wisdom about becoming more positive suggests we should avoid “negative people,” but in my experience, “negative people” often need our love and support the most. Have you learned anything that can help us find a middle ground so that we’re minimizing the negative effects of spending time with pessimists, but not just writing them off so that we may actually be able to help them?

    Yes. We never suggest ignoring or isolating pessimists. We just assert that what others do or say is a reflection of their own reality, so don’t take it personally and don’t let it bring you down.

    Some people are just naturally pessimistic and it is not our job to change them but at least being a ray of sunshine around them can bring them light without allowing their nature to pull us down.

    I believe that true success in everything comes from combining effort, reality, and positive thinking. Optimism alone will keep you in the clouds. And oftentimes reality alone will prevent you from getting passed first base.

    However, when you combine all three, things happen in a big way! And this is based on our extensive experience of interviewing people and capturing their silver lining stories.

    6. What do you believe is the biggest obstacle to optimism, and what’s one thing we can do to overcome it?

    Outside influences are the #1 obstacle. This can be a negative friend, family member, coworker or boss, or even the media. An outside influence can reduce or eliminate optimism.

    The best way to overcome it is to make it a point to minimize your exposure to the naysayers and cynics. In addition to watching or reading the news, try to follow positive stories and positive programming as well.

    Look in the mirror and remember that what others do or say is a reflection of their own self, not a reflection of you.

    Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, asserts, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    Conversely, appreciating those around you that appreciate who you are and what you stand for is tantamount for your own optimism and for making it contagious for others.

    7. Of the ten habits shared in the book, which do you think is the most difficult to form, and what’s one simple practice anyone can use to begin cultivating it today?

    Everyone is different so this is a difficult question. For example, some people struggle with embracing change (chapter one).

    Others have a difficult time appreciating those around them (chapter two).

    And, I have also noticed that many people do not believe in themselves and the value they possess (chapter five).

    So, in my opinion, the one simple practice is to take a deep breath and concentrate on the fact that others have had it so much worse and have made it through. And, the best way to prove that to yourself is to either read books like Contagious Optimism and Chicken Soup For the Soul and/or connect with others that have been in the same boat.

    It is very powerful to learn about the patience, persistence, and perseverance of others.

    8. What’s the main message that you hope readers take from this book?

    We all have stories. What you think may be boring or uneventful is actually inspirational and motivational to others around the globe. So, considering sharing your stories and remember, we are all naturally mentors just by the sheer impression of our footsteps.

    You can learn more about 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Smiley face image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Start Loving and Stop Criticizing Yourself

    4 Tips to Start Loving and Stop Criticizing Yourself

    Happy Woman

    “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

    I used to give myself quite a hard time. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up or doing enough or achieving as much as my peers.

    I decided to make a note of the way I was speaking to myself and treating myself. What I found surprised me.

    I noticed that I’d berate myself for days if something didn’t go exactly to plan, convinced that there was something wrong with me and that was why I had messed up.

    I’d tell myself that I was stupid, useless, and a thoroughly incompetent, unworthy human being. Pretty mean stuff, really!

    I wouldn’t even speak to my worst enemy that way I was speaking to myself. It was time to make a change.

    Are you at war with yourself?

    It’s been said many times that a lack of self-love is at the root of all of our problems, and I agree.

    Our addictive behaviors are so often interlinked with self-esteem issues, not feeling good enough or valuing our own worth. At times, food or drugs may be a way of self-medicating or even self-harming.

    If we’re stressed or anxious, we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves, telling ourselves that things should be a certain way—that we need to be different or try harder. We’re not accepting ourselves and the situation as it is right now.

    When we take good care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, and accept ourselves completely, stresses seem more manageable, healthy choices are natural, and we feel better within ourselves.

    Many of us think we need to be harsh and critical of ourselves in order to progress and move forward. However, evidence suggests that harsh criticism is actually demotivating and stressful, not helpful.

    If you’re sick of being at war with yourself and are ready to love yourself more and become calmer, happier, and healthier, try these four steps.

    1. Speak to yourself as you’d speak to someone you love and want to encourage.

    Would you tell them that they’re no good? Would you give them a hard time? I don’t think so.

    Tune into how you’re speaking to yourself throughout the day. Once you become aware of a harsh tone, work on changing this to a tone that is patient, compassionate, and accepting.

    Giving yourself a hard time isn’t effective at helping you to do your best. I like to remind myself that I’m doing my best, that every experience is a learning experience, and that I’m already good enough.

    2. See yourself as your loved ones see you.

    When I first met my boyfriend I didn’t believe him when he told me he loved me. I wasn’t able to see past my own self-criticism to see what he could see.

    By imagining how he saw me, I was able to perceive myself in the way that he did—all the good points, the strengths, the sense of humor, the quirks, the vulnerability, and yes, the flaws, but on the whole, I could see a worthwhile and lovable person.

    Imagine a person that loves you and picture them sitting in front of you now. Notice the way they look at you in way that lets you know that they love and accept you completely.

    Now imagine you can step into their shoes and see yourself through their eyes, with love, care, and kindness. Notice all your amazing qualities and even all of your flaws, and send yourself a lot of acceptance for all of it. Now step back into your own shoes but bring with you this new perspective.

    3. Make a daily list of the things you appreciate about yourself.

    It could be that you’re a good friend, or maybe you always remain calm in a crisis. So often we’re programmed to notice our deficiencies and the things we lack. Challenge this instinct by noticing the things you appreciate instead.

    Recently, I’ve appreciated myself for being a good listener, for making great cakes for my friend’s birthdays, for my willingness to work on myself, and for the fact that I can now do twenty whole pushups!

     4. Remember that you are a human being and are therefore fallible.

    You and everyone else on the planet are a work in progress. You don’t need to be perfect; you are always learning, always changing, and getting better every day.

    Aim for progress rather than perfection. We are all doing our best with the tools and abilities that we have at our disposal. So give yourself a break and remember that you’re doing just fine.

    I’d love to hear about the ways that learning to love yourself has helped you, or could help you. What strategies do you have for loving yourself more?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • Let Go of Who You Think Should Be and Become Who You Want to Be

    Let Go of Who You Think Should Be and Become Who You Want to Be

    Happy Man

    “Do not become a stranger to yourself by blending in with everyone else.” ~Dodinsky

    I spent many decades of my life trying to be person I was expected to be.

    It was partly the kind of expectations our parents impose on us, but also those from society, combined with the worst ones of all: the expectations I had put on myself.

    For example, the story of who “I should be” had told me that:

    • I had to be a hard worker, a great student, and an overachiever.
    • I had to be responsible.
    • I had to be serious.
    • I had to take care of everyone else.

    Naturally, my actions reflected all of these thoughts.

    Eventually, the picture my life painted became everyone else’s picture.

    I ended up going into a “safe, secure career”—you know, the dreaded corporate job you don’t want but you “know you should do” to have all the trappings of a secure life.

    People discouraged me from pursuing the things I was interested in, because it wasn’t guaranteed that I would make a good living in them. How was I supposed to support a family if I didn’t have a safe, secure job?

    Happiness wasn’t less important in this equation; it was non-existent.

    As the first born, I felt I didn’t have a choice—partly because I had expectations from others riding on my shoulders, partly because I wanted to make my family and friends proud of me.

    I wanted to show them that all of my parents’ work didn’t go to waste.

    For a while I could fake who I was. And for a while it worked. I went to my job like a busy worker bee and did what I was supposed to do; then I clocked out, went home, rinsed, and repeated.

    About a year or two later, those first stirrings started showing up. Why am I even here? How did I get here? Do I even like this line of work? What on earth am I doing? What’s the point of my life and waking up to do all of this stuff?

    Then I felt the worst feeling of all—the one we’ve all felt before—the feeling of your soul leaving your body.

    The next year was unlike the first. Mysterious illnesses start cropping up: sleep issues, fatigue, aches and pains, and the worst, an unshakeable unhappiness that wouldn’t go away, even though I was doing everything “right.”

    That’s when I reached a breaking point.

    One day, which naturally was a rainy Monday, I stood for a moment longer than usual before entering the office door.

    A second later a big commuter bus passed by.

    Right then and there, I wondered if it might be easier to just get hit by a bus rather than keep repeating this ridiculous nightmare every day.

    I paused.

    The idea that I would rather die than live another day like that shocked me sufficiently that I stepped back, and after work spent time in a cafe and thought about how I got here, and how I could get out.

    There were three things after this event that dramatically helped me:

     1. Blind courage

    I thought about what I wanted, which was surprisingly difficult, and just went for that without questioning it. This is something that almost no one tells us to do when we’re young.

    I realized how important it is to be brave, because the entire world (and often our close friends and family) is trying to change us.

    Everything competes for our mind space—we want to be happy, we want to make our parents happy, we want to be successful, and more.

     2. Listening to my gut

    I understood that this battle would never end. I realized there would always be conflicting voices: voices that told me to work for money, voices that told me to work for passion, voices that told me to just run away and do neither.

    Most importantly, I remembered to listen what my gut voice told me, beyond the intellectual stuff of what sounds practical.

     3. Tuning out other people’s opinions

    Finally, I stopped letting other people determine who I think I should be and decided to just be me. This was perhaps the hardest of all because we’re always receiving the message that we should be more or less of something.

    I made a conscious effort each day to pause and think about what I wanted. Forget what my parents wanted, what my friends wanted, what I thought I should want—what did I want?

    It wasn’t until I made these three changes that I released the brakes in my own life, regained that feeling of being myself, and finally embraced who I actually was, not who I should be.

    I invested more in my passions and interests: health, medicine, meditation, reading (and writing), and lots more.

    And over the next period of months and years, I gradually felt “my spirit” coming back.

    We’re always going to feel pressure to make choices we think we should make rather than the choices we want to make. The world is always trying to pull us or push us in different directions.

    It’s up to us to stay focused and centered so we can identify what we really want; otherwise, we’ll end up feeling that we’re just going through the motions.

    Ultimately, it takes courage to be truly authentic. It can be easy to conform because it doesn’t require going against the grain or stirring up conflict, but it’s the little acts of courage that lead us to fulfillment.

    Happy man image via Shutterstock

  • Being Kind to Others Is Being Kind to Yourself

    Being Kind to Others Is Being Kind to Yourself

    Kindness

    “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” ~John Holmes

    I moved to Vermont to work at a ski lodge the day after I turned twenty-two.

    I had finished college six months earlier; September 11th had made finding a “real” job in my field pretty much impossible, and I was ready for adventure.

    Somehow I had been hired to be the head waitress in the lodge’s basement eatery, where we served family-style meals every single morning and six nights a week.

    I had no waitressing experience whatsoever; I’m pretty sure I was hired for this position because I was older than some of the other employees, had a college degree (uh, in studio art), and had worked at a concession stand at the beach for three summers during college. I mean, at least I had handled food before, right?

    Up until this point, my customer service skills were severely stunted. I barely tolerated customers; I rarely even spoke to them. The extent of my “service” skills involved making sure they got the right kind of soda and correct change.

    In fact, at my very first job, as a cashier at a big box store where I had to wear a blue vest, a customer actually complained about me to management. I didn’t smile, I wasn’t friendly, and I wasn’t helpful. (In my defense, I was sixteen. And wearing a blue vest.)

    One night at the ski lodge, I’ll never forget this, a couple who had come to stay every single year for the past decade pulled me aside so the husband could tell me something in private. “Your attitude comes off as very distant and aloof. I can tell you’re just shy, but you seem very unfriendly.”

    Whoa.

    For some reason having this older gentleman tell me how I seemed to outsiders absolutely, completely turned me and my attitude around.

    He was right—I was shy, and also uncertain about myself. I was afraid to be friendly, afraid to come out of my shell and potentially embarrass myself.

    But I didn’t want to be seen as unfriendly and aloof. I wanted to connect with people, I just didn’t know how.

    As the ski season went on, I did my best to make little changes: more eye contact, more smiles, more conversation. I can’t say I immediately saw a huge shift, but I was trying.

    Fast-forward another couple of years: after traveling around the country for a while (even living in a tent at one point; aren’t your twenties great?), I ended up back at the ski lodge again. This time, I was hired to work at the front desk.

    The front desk?? Where all the people were? All the time?

    Yup, that front desk.

    By this time the lodge had changed hands, and the new owner said something to me about how to talk on the phone with customers that left a lasting impression. She said, “Smile when you talk, because customers can hear it all the way through the phone.”

    She was so right. I still think about that any time I’m on the phone with a customer or client.

    I can’t tell you exactly what happened to me during that ski season, but by the time my parents came up for a visit in the spring and saw me in action, they were impressed with how friendly and confident I was with guests, but not nearly as impressed (and happy) as I was.

    All of a sudden I loved helping people. I was thrilled when guests came to check in, adored giving restaurant recommendations, and was elated to tell prospective clients all that our area had to offer.

    Suddenly, I realized how wonderful it was to be kind—being friendly to others actually made me happier!

    I don’t know why for all those years I had thought keeping silent or being disgruntled was good for me—I guess I just didn’t know any different.

    After a year in Vermont, I moved down to the mountains of North Carolina (just as pretty; a whole lot warmer), where I landed myself another hotel job, this time at an historic inn. Within a year or so I was running the front desk and was managing events, and I loved it!

    Friday afternoons when we got a crush of people, ready to kick off their relaxing visit? Pure bliss for me!

    Sunday mornings, when guests were checking out and wanted to reminisce about their weekend? Utter satisfaction!

    A brunch where the quiche turned out just right and the hostess had properly impressed her friends? My work was done!

    New Year’s Eve? Best night of the year! I actually put myself on for the late night shift (I was in charge of scheduling) so my employees could be off, but I could be part of the fun.

    The same group of guests came to celebrate every year, and I’d walk the hallways, being invited into open rooms for a bite of fancy cheese or a swig of champagne.

    I don’t know how to explain it, other than being kind and helping others completed something in me I didn’t even know was missing.

    If you’ve ever felt like you wanted to connect more with others, to offer kindness and support, but feel too shy or nervous about the possibility of being rejected, I want to tell you that stepping out of your shell, even just a little bit, can bring enormous rewards.

    Pick something that feels easy and comfortable to you. Do you have to be on the phone frequently for your job? Try smiling when you’re talking on the phone, even if you feel a little silly, even if the person on the other end is being difficult or unfriendly. I bet you’ll feel really good when you hang up.

    Perhaps you notice a new participant in your yoga class, someone who seems uncertain and hangs in the back. Do whatever feels best—smile, wave, walk over and introduce yourself. Imagine if you were in the same position; wouldn’t it feel great for someone to reach out to you?

    Ask coworkers if they need a hand with anything. Ask friendly questions of your new neighbor. Volunteer for a local charity or library.

    Anything that connects you with others and allows you to flex your kindness muscle will do. You’ll be amazed to see that being kind makes other people happy, but brings an even greater joy to you.

    After working at the inn for a few years I moved on to a hospitality job at the local airport, and from there realized that I wanted to expand my kindness and help others on an even more profound level, but there’s a part of me that will always miss working at a hotel.

    Interacting with guests taught me so much about myself. It gave me so much confidence, and it taught me one of the most important lessons of my life: to be kind to others was to be kind to myself. I hope you’ll open your heart to learning the same lesson.

    Kindness image via Shutterstock

  • The Difference Between True Love and Love Addiction

    The Difference Between True Love and Love Addiction

    “We often say ‘love’ when we really mean, and are acting out, an addiction—a sterile, ingrown dependency relationship, with another person serving as the object of our need for security.” ~Stanton Peele

    When I was sixteen, I fell in love. At least I thought I did. I had all the symptoms—quickened pulse, butterflies, and a head so full of him that all my pain and all my problems magically disappeared when we were together.

    I called this love.

    And why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t any young girl? Isn’t that what love is—when you can’t live without each other, when you can’t think about anything else, when it hurts to be apart?

    Up until that first relationship, I’d already been through about a dozen different relationships with a dozen different people.

    My first whirlwind romance was with a boy named Andrei in the first grade of Regional School #17 in Donetsk, Ukraine. I remember when he got up during naptime and, with a mischievous look on his face, peed all over the carpet. So rebellious, I sighed.

    My romance with Andrei ended when we got on the plane to Toronto. I cried. I cried for the country I was leaving, for the friends I left behind, and I cried for Andrei. Andrei who had never spoken to me or held my hand. Andrei who was just a character inside a story in my mind.

    One day, my eight-year-old self thought through her thick tears, I’ll love again.

    After I got to Canada, I got into a very complicated, semi-violent relationship with Eminem. When it looked like he was getting back together with his ex wife (which broke my heart, obviously), I went on to Nathan, who was two grades above me at school, who had bleach blonde hair, just like Eminem. He was a rebound.

    Neither of them ever knew I existed.

    I couldn’t approach Nathan or any other boy I liked, but I knew what I had to do. By this time, I’d watched enough television to know—I was too ugly for a boyfriend. Too fat. And what was this cellulite? These pimples? These stretch marks? The girls with boyfriends didn’t have that—not the ones on TV and not the ones in my school.

    I started wearing makeup in grade six. I still remember someone asking me why I had weird beige stuff on my eyebrows. My face turned red (or, as red as it could turn underneath the concealer cream that I’d literally just spread all over my entire face).

    I just want to be pretty. I just want a boy to like me.

    As my hormones raged hard, and my social anxiety raged harder, I started having relationships with guys on the Internet. It seemed like a step in the right direction. At least these were real people talking to me.

    But that didn’t work and that got dangerous. I went back to making up relationships in my head.

    All I wanted was a real boy. A real-life boy to call my own.

    I’ll have to work extra hard to get him, I thought.

    By the time I got to high school, I’d tried a handful of different crash diets and, soon enough, every moment of my day was devoted to maintaining 400 calories a day and exercising them all off.

    I was exhausted. I weighed less. In the mirror, I looked no different.

    When am I going to feel pretty? When will I fall in love?

    And, one day, it happened. He was in my grade ten math class. I asked him for batteries. Since his Discman could have been considered an extra limb, it seemed like a safe bet. And it was.

    One year later, we were inseparable. I thought it was finally happening. The relationship of my dreams was finally coming true.

    I knew, at the time, that it was love because every time we were around each other, my head was clear. All the rest of the time, I was obsessing about my calorie intake and my skin. Around him, there was only him—nothing else.

    With him, I felt euphoria. With him, I felt safe. With him, I felt alive. With him, I felt pretty.

    How could I live without that?

    And, soon enough, I couldn’t. The moments without him became torture as the inner voices screaming criticisms that echoed through each part of my psyche became louder and angrier from being suppressed. The moments with him became riddled with anxiety about when we’d next have to be apart.

    I was hooked.

    I called this love.

    As the novelty wore off and real life set in, I couldn’t bear to lose that feeling. I came apart at the seams. And, in my mind, it was all his fault.

    My journals from that time are filled with questions scribbled with ferocious pain on tear-stained pages.

    Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why can’t things feel like they used to? Why does love hurt so much?

    No matter what he tried to do to make me happy, it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough.

    I was hooked on a feeling of euphoria that drowned out my inner demons and, after a while, he no longer produced that feeling. He couldn’t give me what I wanted, because I didn’t want him. I wanted a feeling that the novelty of obsession in human form had brought me.

    I was so full of anger, so full of rage at him for not loving me. It wasn’t until I had a breakdown and almost killed myself four years after we broke up, the demons in my head having become so powerful that I had to learn to accept myself or die, that I realized it wasn’t him that didn’t love. It was me.

    I didn’t love him, because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t love him, because that’s not love. Needing someone, using them to get away from your problems, acclimatizing to the good feelings so you need more and more, becoming psychotic when they’re away—that’s not love. That’s addiction.

    I used him and abused him, like a drug, and when he couldn’t give me the feelings I was addicted to, I threw him away. He was a character in my fairy tale, an idea in my head, just like the others who came before him. There was no room for him to be a human being, because I didn’t give myself that room.

    The more I’ve learned to love myself, stretch marks and all, the more I’ve been able to love other people, to forgive those who hurt me, to support my current partner through his light and his darkness.

    When I gave myself the room to be imperfect, to be a human being, I could give other people that room. And, in that newly created space, the feeling of love has crept in and permeated each moment.

    I’ve learned the hard way that love isn’t something we get from other people. It’s not even a feeling.

    Love is a kind of awareness we have about ourselves, about people, about life.

    Love is when we see ourselves and others for what we are, not what we think we should be. Love is when we stop trying to protect ourselves and open up to what’s here—the pain, the joy, the beauty, the darkness, everything.

    Love is a decision to be open and stay open, to receive the beauty of what’s all around us instead of pushing fake beauty down our throats.

    Love is a way of life, a state of mind.

    It’s taken me a while to forgive myself for not knowing better all those years ago, for hurting the boy I thought I loved. While I can’t take back what I’ve done, I can do my best to share what I’ve learned so that it might help feed that love hunger in the world that used to torment me, that led me to torment other people.

    And I can hope that whatever self-protective shields my ex built up from our messy romance are now disassembled. I hope that he’s found a way to let go, to be free, to open back up and learn to trust again, against all odds.

    And I hope that you—no matter if you’re single or in a relationship, no matter if you’ve been hurt once or twenty times—I hope that you take that plunge into this moment, into the beauty and the suffering, even if it hurts, just one more time. And know, this is what true love is all about.

    Heart eyes image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re in a Toxic Relationship

    5 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re in a Toxic Relationship

    Toxic Relationship

    “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” ~Henry Ford

    A few days ago, a close friend called me and asked for advice on whether he should end a toxic relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He still loved her as a human being, but he felt that she was using him for her own personal needs, such as a ride from the airport, and did not truly care about his well-being.

    I thought back to my most recent relationship challenge.

    A while back, I moved in with a group of close friends, after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend a few months prior.

    We shared a large number of friends, so I attempted to maintain a friendship with him for the sake of our social group. Time and time again, I felt uncomfortable around him because of his constant references to our past relationship and inappropriate touching.

    I explained my feelings of unease to my roommates and asked them not to invite him over. I understood if they wanted to continue their friendships with him, but I didn’t feel safe being near him.

    My best friend also held a close friendship with my ex-boyfriend, and didn’t understand my negative feelings toward him, yet agreed to these terms. The same week, I walked into our place to find my ex-boyfriend hanging out with my best friend, three separate times.

    Again, I brought up my concerns. She eventually stopped inviting him over but soon after began bringing around his new girlfriend, with whom she had cultivated a friendship. Again, I felt uncomfortable and uneasy in my own living space.

    I felt hurt. I felt confused. I felt alone.

    This was my best friend, who told me that I was one of the most important people in her life, that she loved me, that she would be there for me when I needed her. At this point in our friendship, these statements no longer seemed to be true.

    I had lost sight of the friend that I thought I knew, and it was time to reevaluate our relationship.

    Reflecting on this experience, I asked my friend a few questions to help him solve his dilemma.

    1. Does this relationship make you feel good about yourself?

    After my best friend starting bringing around my ex-boyfriend, my primary feelings toward her were negative. For weeks I couldn’t fall asleep because I was so angry at her betrayal, and these feelings only worsened as time went on. These were early signs that perhaps I should not continue the relationship.

    When you think about this person, is the first thing that comes to mind positive or negative? Does this person contribute positively to your life, or do they drain you of energy?

    If you can’t seem to get past the negative emotions when you think about this person, it may be time to move on.

     2. How would you like to be treated by your friends, family, and significant other?

    The fundamental issue in my relationship was that I felt my best friend was not respecting my feelings and need for a private space by bringing over my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend.

    Friends, family, and significant others should all support and uplift you, without being controlling.

    They should want the absolute best for you, even if your ideas of the “best” differ. They should respect your personal boundaries and feelings, even if they do not entirely understand or agree with them. There should be equal give and take in your relationship.

    If you do not feel supported and respected by this person, it may be time to move on.

     3. Is there a change that you can make to improve the relationship?

    I brought up my feelings to my best friend several times and we agreed to a compromise so that I could feel comfortable in my own living space. However, she continued inviting my ex’s new girlfriend over.

    Her behaviors did not align with what I needed to feel supported, and I soon realized that there was no way to change her behaviors if she didn’t wish to do so.

    Have you tried to express your negative feelings to this person? Did they value your input and respect your feelings? Do they want to work with you to create a solution?

    If this person invalidated your feelings or refused to acknowledge a problem, it may be time to move on.

     4. What advice would you give to a good friend who was going through a similar situation?

    If my younger sister came to me with this same problem, I would be infuriated that someone she considered a close friend would treat her like this. From an outside view, it is clear that this friend does not have her best interests at heart, otherwise she would understand her feelings and keep the compromise that she agreed to.

    If you are still unsure about whether to keep your relationship, think of how you might advise a sibling or close friend in a similar situation. Taking a step away from your relationship and viewing it from a third party perspective can help shed new light. A pros and cons list can also help you understand your feelings in a rational way.

     5. What does your future look like without this person in it?

    Ultimately, I chose to end my relationship with my best friend because I knew that my life would be less stressful and more positive without her in it. She has since moved out, and we no longer speak.

    I was afraid that I would lose friends if I chose to distance myself from her, but my life has only improved thus far.

    I have kept my existing friends in addition to making new friends. Looking toward the future, this experience has inspired me to more closely reflect on the ways in which I can better support and nurture those who are closest to me.

    You may be afraid of what your life will be like without this person. This fear is holding you back from seeing that you can gain more than you will lose by letting this person go.

    Look around and notice that you have many other people who are able to properly support you, with your best friend of all being yourself. No matter how many friendships come or go, you will never be truly alone because you will always be there looking out for yourself.

    See through eyes unclouded by fear, and you will discover that the sky ahead is far brighter than anything you leave behind.

    Toxic relationship image via Shutterstock

  • You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    Smiling Woman

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    Relationships give us the opportunity to learn about ourselves though identifying with another. I’ll be the first one to admit that some of my relationships didn’t end on ideal terms. I’ve managed to stay in touch with a few partners over the years, but for the most part, they’ve fallen to the wayside.

    Here’s how most of them played out: The initial phase was intoxicating, I was completely enamored with the other person, and likewise, they made me feel like the object of their attention. As a result, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, wholeness, and love.

    Eventually, the passion faded and the relationship began to decline, leading to a break-up. Now, instead of feeling joy and wholeness, it felt more like despair and emptiness.

    Sound familiar?

    We’re taught early on, through various forms of conditioning, that we are only valuable when an external source recognizes it, whether it’s a spouse, parent, or a boss. Dean Martin even sings, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. You’re nobody ‘til somebody cares.”

    Could this paradigm possibly be accurate? After all, if an icon like Dean Martin is singing about it, there must be some kernel of truth to it, right?

    I definitely felt better about myself when I was “coupled up,” but did that justify feeling devoid of love when the relationship ran its course?

    It wasn’t until I cultivated love for myself that I recognized my immense value, regardless of my relationship status. This happened through a regular spiritual practice and reflective meditation. From that space, I also recognized a few fundamental truths that helped me foster self-love.

    1. Extreme self-care means doing what strengthens your mind, body, and spirit.

    The best way to show yourself love it to practice self-care. The exact details differ from person to person, but they all share a common thread—they nurture your inner being.

    Maybe that means taking an extra hour to pamper yourself or setting aside time to focus on fitness. The expectations from friends and family will still be there, but it’s your responsibility to do what makes you feel recharged and lifted before tending to others.

    2. Your most important commitment is to honor yourself and your needs.

    On the journey toward personal fulfillment, you first need to make a commitment to address your needs. That doesn’t mean neglect your financial or social obligations, but it should be a reminder that your dreams and ambitions are a priority. After all, if you don’t stand up for your aspirations, who will?

    It helps if you make this commitment crystal clear by saying it out loud, sharing it with a friend, or writing it down. I find it beneficial to write personal mantras and commitments on my mirror so that I’m reminded of them every time I look at my refection.

    3. Your emotional well-being does not depend on any external circumstance.

    At any given moment, I have the ability to choose a positive emotional state. I can’t control the way other people act toward me, but I can reframe my belief system to better align with my own self-image. For example, just because someone lashes out or says something hurtful, that doesn’t mean it’s a reflection of me.

    Each of us is responsible for our own feelings, and it is our job to rescue ourselves from the pit of despair when we fall in.

    4. Making peace with your past paves the way for a rewarding future.

    You’d be hard pressed to meet anyone who doesn’t have a few demons in their closet. We all accumulate baggage throughout the course of our lives, but you don’t need to carry it from one place to the next. It simply weighs you down and prevents you from reaching your highest self.

    Learn to make peace with your past so that you can receive the present with an open heart.

    Forgiveness and acceptance go hand-in-hand with self-love. One of the ways I’ve learned to forgive past hurts is by not taking it personally.

    The second principle in Don Miguel Ruiz’s acclaimed book The Four Agreements says it best: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    5. Speak and treat yourself with kindness.

    Listening to your internal dialogue can be a good way to gauge your level of self-love. Are your thoughts predominantly negative or self-condemning? If they are, your first priority should be to change the way you speak to yourself.

    Adopting a set of positive affirmations can transform negative internal dialogue into a more supportive channel of communication with yourself. Some of my favorite affirmations are:

    • All is well in my world and I encounter love, abundance, and appreciation in every moment.
    • I accept others just as they are because I accept myself just as I am.
    • I radiate compassion and love and as a result I receive an endless flow of it back.

    6. Trust your intuition; it will guide the way.

    You intuition is one of the best tools at your disposal, and fortunately, you can never leave home without it! Listen to what your intuition tells you about taking care of yourself. After all, you deserve your love and affection.

    —

    Self-love is a regular practice that starts with acceptance. Take the time to align with your inner self and appreciate your strength. Only then can you open up to receiving and giving love to others unconditionally.

    If you can be love and accept yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of who chooses to enter or exit your life.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • Rediscovering Yourself and Rebuilding Your Life After Loss

    Rediscovering Yourself and Rebuilding Your Life After Loss

    Woman Silhouette

    “He who sits in the house of grief will eventually sit in the garden.” ~Hafiz

    My life has fallen apart around me.

    I ended a five-year relationship with a man I thought I wanted to marry, quit a full-time office job with no further prospects, and moved back to my tiny hometown to live with my parents.

    All of these transitions occurred within the same week.

    I was twenty when I met my boyfriend, and he was twenty-eight. We spent every waking moment together, dating for four-and-a-half years and living together for two. This time was punctuated with moments of bliss; however, I was often filled with doubt about our future.

    Small betrayals had left me co-dependent, with low self-esteem. Toward the end of our relationship, I was suffering beyond measure. I lacked fulfillment in my first salaried job, and our tiny, decrepit apartment was void of nourishment.

    I quit my job first, giving no notice and leaving a resignation letter on my boss’s desk. A week later, I moved all my things from my boyfriend’s house while he was on vacation.

    He returned to a half empty home. I was shaken to the core with grief and guilt.

    Two months later, I am still wading through an overwhelming depression. Despite an aching loneliness for my former life, my heart is overflowing with more love and gratitude than I thought possible.

    In this personal rock bottom, I finally understand the meaning of abundance.

    My friends showed up, offering me places to stay if I needed. My family showed up, supporting me in my financial crisis. Old flames showed up to rekindle and reflect deep love.

    My creative practice showed up to heal wounds inflicted through years of betrayal. Music has become sweeter, more soulful, and longing with reverberations of the human condition. Nature has become a solace.

    I find myself slowly reaching closure in all forgotten aspects of my soul. Alone and without distraction, I have been forced to unlock the closed doors of my psyche, full of dusty memories, ignored desires, and misplaced dreams.

    I am picking up the pieces of the identity that I lost in the whirlwind of relationship compromises, job obligations, and money-based motivations.

    I am finally rebuilding an identity based on trust, love, and compassion for others and myself. I am holding space for the tender parts of my soul, patient and yet full of longing.

    The hardest part of this transition has been a lack of consistent emotional intimacy and losing all financial “security.”

    Despite my rapid mood swings through grief and joy, I sense stability approaching. I feel the upswing coming, the point in my life where I transform into a more positive, full expression of myself. In the elimination of all the old experiences and situations that no longer serve me, I am reborn.

    I understand the metaphor of the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly. My molting has begun.

    Dear reader, take heart.

    If your life is falling apart around you in any capacity, please trust the process. Through the darkest nights of your soul, a light shines forth.

    Only through these heart-wrenching challenges can we grow and develop spiritually and emotionally and become more fully who we were meant to be.

    After loss, we have an opportunity to reinvent our lives and ourselves.

    All the patchwork dreams I wove while in my grief are finally coming true. I have been traveling to new places. I am falling in love again. I am rekindling my fondness for oil painting. I signed up for a ceramics class at the local community college. I am starting to think about a graduate program for art.

    These are all things I formerly felt were far from reach, but since radical change and loss, I am finding my true identity and fulfilling myself.

    If your depression and grief takes you to places of fear, confusion, and loneliness, please hold space for those feelings and allow them to wash over you like water. These turbulent emotions will pass. Tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities.

    Be patient. Change takes time, especially positive changes. You must work the compost before growing the flowers.

    Train yourself to pay attention to the small things. I notice all these things now.

    A light rain soothes my aching heart. A call from a friend reminds me that I am not alone. A warm meal nourishes my spirit.

    Sometimes, all it takes to recover from loss is awareness of life’s small treasures. New opportunities for change and development present themselves every day.

    Grieve, and the garden will begin to grow beneath your feet.

    Woman silhouette via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling and Feel Stuck

    10 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling and Feel Stuck

    Sad Woman

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” ~Buddha

    I have always been ambitious, hardworking, dedicated, and driven, but I have also made some serious mistakes in my life.

    I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do early on in my career, so I pursued several options in college. By the time I was finished with graduate school I had five Master’s degrees, but still wasn’t sure which career path to take.

    I decided to get a job in accounting since that career paid well. I didn’t like it, but I could see myself doing well if I worked hard at it. I became focused. I wanted to reach the top. My ambition was to become CFO of our firm. Life was good; my career was heading in the right direction.

    I woke every morning and rushed to work, but as time went by I started becoming unhappy and frustrated.

    I got promoted every six months, but the more I moved up the corporate ladder, the worse I felt. I had everything going for me but something was missing.

    I started going to the mall to look around and occasionally bought myself a few pairs of shoes. Shoe shopping seemed to make me happy. It took my mind off the things that were bothering me.

    Soon this became my daily routine. I would buy shoes during lunch, and before I knew it I had nowhere to store them in my apartment. I didn’t wear 99% of them, but they made me happier than anything else in my life at the time.

    When I got back to the office many of my co-workers would make comments, so I started hiding my purchases. I had shoes in every drawer in my office.

    I refused to look at my credit card statements each month. I did automatic payments and would pay more than the minimum, so I didn’t care to see it. I just didn’t want to know.

    My landlord came to do some repairs at my apartment, and when he saw the shoes packed to the ceiling, he let out a gasp. “How many feet do you have?” he shouted. I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t speak. I felt violated and embarrassed, and I became defensive.

    After he left I thought about what he said, but I felt so depressed that I went shopping for more shoes. Even though I was angry with him, I started feeling like I needed to do something about my shopping habit.

    I didn’t believe anyone could be addicted to shopping. Addicts were people who drank, took drugs, and do those kinds of things. I was just buying a lot of shoes because they were all on sale. But the more shoes I bought, the guiltier I felt, and the worse I felt, the more shoes I needed to feel better.

    Shortly thereafter I lost my job. The company moved overseas and my world fell apart. How was I going to afford to buy my shoes, and what about my career? I stayed home and cried for several days. I bought shoes, became depressed, and then bought more shoes to combat the depression.

    I had no money and the bills were piling up. I didn’t even want to go out to find another job. I knew then I needed help. I got up one morning and decided I was going to do some soul searching and spring cleaning.

    I took out the shoes I felt I couldn’t live without, and those I could live without with a little bit of arm-twisting, I put aside to donate. I called my landlord and asked him to help me pack up all the shoes to ship to the Good Will Store. I felt like a part of me had died.

    I needed to find out the root cause of my problem, and I had to look myself in the mirror and admit that I was a shopping addict.  

    It took thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt and almost one thousand pairs of shoes to jolt me back to reality. I eventually paid off all my debts, and though I still buy a few pairs of shoes now and then, I know I will not go back to where I was.

    Now, when I feel the urge to shop to deal with stress, I find less expensive, less addictive things to do instead.

    I also took the time to find myself so my life wouldn’t feel so lacking. I realized that I wanted to help people, so I have been working with young women, and I am so much happier and fulfilled.

    If you are struggling with an addiction of any kind, please seek professional help and do not hide away. Speak to those you love, trust, and respect. They will help you to find your way.

    Here are a few other ideas that can help you when you are struggling:

    1. The problem is a symptom of something else.

    When you find yourself doing things you normally wouldn’t do, there is likely an underlying problem that you need to deal with. You must be prepared to acknowledge and deal with this underlying issue in order to get your life back on track.

    2. You are never alone.

    It doesn’t matter what the situation is. You must remember that there are many others out there who have been through what you are currently facing.

    3. You can overcome.

    Remind yourself that we all have challenges, and if you don’t give up you can overcome them and be a better, stronger person as a result.

    4. People genuinely care about you.

    Sometimes people will appear to be judgmental, but most are genuinely concerned about you and want to see you do well. Having those you love and trust around will help you heal faster.

    5. You are good enough.

    When you’re struggling, it’s easy to believe that you are not worthy. Your self-esteem and confidence will be tested more than any other time in your life. You need to believe in yourself and know that this struggle does not define you.

    6. You are going to make mistakes.

    No one is perfect, and that includes you. You will continue to make mistakes, but you are not your mistakes. Focus on the lesson and how you can apply this wisdom going forward.

    7. No time is ever the perfect time.

    You will not be able to make changes in your life if you do not make time. You have to make it the right time by taking the first step.

    8. It never helps to shift blame.

    It always seems to make us feel better if we blame others for our problems. Unfortunately, it is up to you and me to make our lives the way we want them to be. Your life is yours to live, and you are responsible for your happiness and success.

    9. You must believe you can.

    Once you have decided that you can, there are no forces in this world that can stop you. Every one of us has it within us to be happy, but few of us realize that it is up to us to make it happen.

    10. You are stronger than you think.

    We can never know our true strength until we allow ourselves to be tested. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Think about where you are now and some of the things you have overcome. It took lot of strength for you to get where you are.

    We all have obstacles in our lives and we’ll have them as long as we live. Do not allow addiction, illness, disappointment, mistakes, or failures to prevent you from living your best life.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Key to Loving Yourself, Other People, and Life

    The Key to Loving Yourself, Other People, and Life

    Love

    “Has it ever occurred to you that you can only love when you are alone?” ~Anthony De Mello

    I was sitting in my therapist’s waiting room when I looked over at an assortment of books sitting on the coffee table. One caught my attention right away: The Way to Love, by Anthony de Mello.

    “This looks like something I should read right about now.” I giggled a little with that thought.

    I was, after all, sitting in a psychotherapist’s waiting room because he was the only thing keeping me from a nervous breakdown. My marriage was falling apart and I felt so utterly lost. Perhaps a book about love would help me navigate this painful period of my life.

    I finished my session and hurried home to my iPad. Within seconds, the book came alive on my screen. I perused the chapters at first but stopped dead in my tracks on page 137:

    Has it ever occurred to you that you can only love when you are alone? What does it mean to love? It means to see a person, a thing, a situation, as it really is and not as you imagine it to be, and to give it the response it deserves. You cannot love what you do not even see.

    “This makes no sense at all! How can I love only when I’m alone?” I put the book down.

    I had no idea what De Mello was saying, but that first sentence stayed in my mind and heart.

    Then came some alone time. A lot of it.

    For the next two years, I lived in solitude. My days were filled with meditation, long hikes in nature, writing, introspection, and at times, a deep loneliness.

    I accepted all that life was bringing me. I embraced the hours upon hours of silence and no human contact. In fact, this solitude was self-imposed.

    The disintegration of my marriage had brought some ingrained subconscious patterns to light.

    In the past, whenever life sent something painful my way, I would take refuge in my outer world—friends, bars, alcohol, sex, traveling. They all served as distractions because I was deeply afraid of looking inward. My inner world seemed too complex and dark to even touch.

    Yet, distracting myself with things on the outside hadn’t protected me from pain. In fact, I finally realized the opposite was true: life always mirrors your internal environment back to you.

    If you want to keep your pain, anger, and darkness hidden, life will bring you painful, angry, dark events.

    It’s really that simple. 

    With that realization, I decided to resist the temptations that often follow a break-up, hence my self-imposed solitude.

    I didn’t move to the jungle. I still saw family and some friends. But I made a conscious decision to spend the majority of my days alone, in silence.

    And then one day I got it. I understood what De Mello said in that book. I was living it.

    Solitude had taught me how to love, and with an intensity I never thought possible.

    I learned to love from the inside out. And that love took three forms.

    Love of Myself

    Self-love came first. I had always used people or things outside myself to sustain my dismally fragile self-esteem. Being alone forces you to look inward and see what lies in your inner world.

    Make no mistake: this can be a difficult and painful process.

    But seeing and accepting your inner world is the only way to love the glorious being that dwells beneath all the mental layers.

    This may take some time, and it may bring a swirl of emotions to the surface. That’s okay. Just let them be.

    Let it all see the light of day, without judgment. No matter what lies in your inner world, always remember to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself “I love you.”

    We’re all trying the best we can at any given moment. Cut yourself some slack and let go of the “could have, should have…”

    See your inner world. Accept everything that lies within, without judgment. Through it all, put your hand on your chest and tell yourself “I love you.” That’s it.

    I realize that seeing and accepting our inner world may not be easy at first. For me, the trick was daily meditation.

    This quieted my mind significantly. Since it’s the mind or ego that judges, once the internal chatter calmed down, it became easier to use my awareness to see the beauty of my heart.

    For you it can be different. Perhaps your mind quiets down with exercise or a walk in the park. Just remember: a quiet mind is the foundation for self-love.

    Self-love then becomes an internal light that you shine in all directions as you walk through life. And that is how you end up loving others.

    Love of Others

    Even with all that alone time, I still managed to fall in love again. This time it was different. Because I loved myself, the love I could give another was purer, stronger, and completely unconditional. I loved without attachment. 

    I also felt a different love for my family and friends. I began to love people for who they were. I loved them in freedom.

    Loving people without attachment was a monumental milestone for me. It was the process of self-love that had enabled me to reach this milestone.

    In learning to love myself, I realized I used people as emotional crutches in order to sustain my sense of worth.

    Once I recognized this pattern and sat with the temporary guilt it elicited, I began to feel lighter. The lighter I felt, the more I loved myself. And the more I loved myself, the more I loved others.

    I no longer needed them. I was now standing on my own, without crutches. In this newly found independence, there were no conditions. My happiness no longer depended on what others did or said.

    Without crutches, your hands are free to extend to others. And that’s really what it means to love without attachment.

    Love of Life

    Solitude showed me the beauty of the present moment. I realized how life was glorious, intense, and alive!

    The little moments became memorable. Seeing a bird fly or a flower bloom was a miracle. Because I no longer focused my attention on mental drama, I could experience the fullness of life.

    Experiencing this fullness meant that I trusted life. I knew that what came to me was there for my evolution.

    Loving life meant that I loved everything that came my way.

    Can you learn to love without being physically alone? Yes. Fortunately, solitude can be experienced without running off to a deserted island!

    You can experience solitude in your heart. That is essentially what De Mello was referring to in his quote. In my experience, solitude is a synonym of non-attachment.

    Experiencing solitude in your heart means that you do not depend on anyone or anything in order to bring you happiness or love. You live with the knowing that what you may desire from another is always available to you.

    What you may desire from the outside world is already within.

    This knowing is then naturally reflected in your outer world. You can live solitude in your heart while surrounded by people.

    And it is this solitude that ultimately allows you to genuinely love. Love yourself. Love others. Love life.

    Love image via Shutterstock

  • Release Stress Through Mindfulness: 4 Steps to Emotional Freedom

    Release Stress Through Mindfulness: 4 Steps to Emotional Freedom

    Man Meditating

    “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~William James

    I’ve been meditating for many years, but there are still days when I feel like it’s something I need to tick off my to-do list.

    On some days, particularly when I’m in the middle of a big project, it can feel hard to put even ten minutes aside for meditating. The driven voice in my head tries to convince me that this practice of pausing and connecting with presence is a waste of time.

    It’s a compelling voice, particularly on days when it feels like there are so many urgent things to do. But it’s especially on those days, when I manage to recognize those sabotaging thoughts for what they are, that I find so much benefit from meditating.

    When I sit to meditate on these days, I immediately notice the tightness in my chest and throat and the underlying agitation of my stress. I notice my mind spewing out to-do lists in a way that makes it nearly impossible to resist getting up and just doing it all.

    Then I see what is happening. Ah, agitation is here. By making time for meditation, I get to more consciously connect with myself and my state of being, and I realize that my sense of urgency is actually fuelled from a physical state of tension and stress.

    By the end of my meditation session, my chest open ups, my breath becomes less impeded, my belly softens, and my whole being settles back into a feeling of calm presence.

    I’m grateful that I have this practice that it has taught me how to discern between thoughts that are worth listening to and thoughts that are psychic garbage that needs to be discarded.

    Meditation has taught me how to relate to my thoughts in a completely revolutionary way. I can’t believe this education isn’t mandatory from primary school. I wonder how my life may have been different with this discerning lens on my inner experience.

    Through the practice of meditation, I have come to realize that thoughts can be likened to having a radio on in the background of your mind, and sometimes the channels that you’re tuned into are full of rubbish.

    The difference is that when you’re listening to a radio, if there’s a channel you don’t like, you can easily fix it by changing the station. However, for many of us, when it comes to our thought stream, we sit there tuned in, immersed in a toxic running commentary without changing the station.

    Until I learned the practice of mindfulness meditation I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. When you believe that all your thoughts are truth, your beliefs and stories can limit your possibilities and potential.

    As Gandhi stated:

    “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”

    So how do you know which thoughts are valuable and which thoughts you should disregard?

    It’s usually the negative thoughts that have a particular power to affect our destiny. So, next time you are having a thought that feels self-critical, judgmental, worried, or stressed, take a mindful moment, pause, and ask yourself if this thought is supporting you to be the person you want to be, and live in the way you want to live.

    Recognize the emotion below the thought that might be driving that type of thinking. Is there fear, overwhelm, stress, hurt, anxiety, shame, or anger?

    By getting to the root of the emotion behind the thought, you can then make wiser decisions about how to respond to what is triggering that emotion rather than stay captive to unproductive thought loops.

    How to Find Emotional Freedom Through Mindfulness

    1. Be aware.

    Notice when you are thinking something that is negative or creating emotional discomfort. Then ask yourself: is this thought moving me toward or away from what I value and how I want to be living?

    2. Let go.

    If you discover the thought is moving you away from who you want to be and how you want to live, simply let it go. Unhook from the toxic radio station in your mind that is sending you unhelpful messages. Realize that this thought is just a thought and not an authority.

    3. Be gentle with yourself.

    Take a moment to bring compassion to yourself as you recognize and uncover the underlying emotion that is fueling these negative, unhelpful thought streams.

    4. Understand how your mind works.

    Remind yourself that the nature of the mind is to think. It is constantly producing thoughts, some of which are creative and inspired and others that are holding you captive and bringing you down. Realize that you don’t have to believe every thought that comes into your mind.

    Mindfulness, that capacity to be aware of what is happening from moment to moment, helps you guard your own mind so you can carefully choose which thoughts you let influence your choices and life.

    Man meditating at sunset image via Shutterstock

  • How to Let Go of Expectations and Pursue What You Really Want

    How to Let Go of Expectations and Pursue What You Really Want

    “There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.” ~Jodi Picoult

    I grew up with a lot of expectations—from other people in my life and from myself. I had to finish school, do my best, finish college, get married, have children, and be a success in everything I did.

    My family was supportive; however, they never really pushed me to get active. I had to push myself, and I pushed hard.

    I finished high school, then college with an associate’s degree, then my counseling license, and then my bachelor’s. I got married and had a daughter. But I wasn’t happy.

    I didn’t really want to get married. I wanted to be independent and live on my own, and I wasn’t sure that this person was “the one.”

    I was attempting to follow the expectations I’d set for myself.

    My oldest sister is the wisest person I know, and she knew that this wasn’t right for me. Still, I was always stubborn, so despite others telling me not to do it, I got married anyway.

    I wanted to be a success, and being a success meant living up to my own expectations.

    I was supposed to be married at twenty-three, whether I wanted that or not.

    I couldn’t get a divorce because I would have had to admit that I was a failure. My expectations were stopping me from actually living life.

    I wondered if I could really complain. He was a good husband and father. One would think this would be enough to stay in a marriage even if I didn’t want to get married to begin with.

    One day I realized that I needed to be happy, and decided to drop the belief that I’d be a failure if I got a divorce. So that’s what I did.

    I’ve learned that some relationships are like milk. They go beyond the expiration date, and eventually they turn sour.

    Sometimes my old self wants to be mad and guilt me for “giving up,” but the new me says, “You’re courageous to stand up and do something that’s scary.”

    To do that, I needed to get in touch with what I really wanted and not worry about what others thought about me.

    If you’re also living a life you don’t love because you think that’s what you should be doing:

    Be true to yourself.

    Put yourself first because you cannot care for anyone else unless you care about yourself. Don’t worry about what others expect of you; think about what you really want for yourself. Letting go of expectations (self-imposed and from others) will set you free.

    Be honest with yourself about what’s possible for you.

    You can do more than you think. I was honest with myself that I could own a house without a spouse. I had a vision of my future and I didn’t need to stay in a situation I did not want.

    Set goals you can accomplish.

    Someone with unrealistic expectations will set a nearly impossible goal and give up before they start because of doubt. Set realistic goals, based on what you really want, that you believe you can obtain.

    I knew I wanted to complete my bachelor’s degree but gave myself a year break after completing my counseling license. If I pushed myself for a goal I was not ready for, I could have given up before I even started. Based on my time and resources, I knew I would set myself up for success if I didn’t rush.

    Learn to celebrate every tiny victory.

    Be proud of your small daily accomplishments rather than getting self-worth from big accomplishments only.

    For example, I needed to give myself credit for saving up money for my own house instead of waiting until I closed on a house to commend myself. Giving yourself credit as you go will help you stay motivated to keep working hard toward your goal.

    Ask for help.

    Don’t try to do everything on your own; you’ll get burnt out. Even if I know I can do it on my own, I ask for help. It’s a healthy balance between independence and depending on others. Asking for help also can get you outside of yourself so you can check where your expectations are.

    You have to have bad days to enjoy the good.

    Not every day will be a good one, but we wouldn’t know what a good day looks like unless we experienced bad ones too. When I have an exceptionally bad day, I tell myself, “Tomorrow can only be better!” When I have an exceptionally good day, I store it in my mind to remember later.

    —

    I believe most things are possible if you put your mind to it. Being honest with yourself about what you really want will allow you to make choices that can lead to a happy, rewarding life.

  • Stop Fearing Uncertainty & Get Excited About Possibilities

    Stop Fearing Uncertainty & Get Excited About Possibilities

    Man Jumping

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Osho

    Once, during an AmeriCorps leadership retreat, I was asked to create a motto for my life, a mission statement for my future. I was handed a blank piece of paper and I was terrified.

    At the time, my life was filled with uncertainty. My year of national community service was coming to an end. I didn’t know what my next job would be, let alone what my life’s mission statement should be.

    As I sat, panic stricken, staring into my uncertain future and an empty page, I began to think of all the futures I could have.

    It began negatively, but slowly my dreamer mentality kicked in. I imagined hundreds of possible futures for myself, as an artist, a writer, a teacher, a missionary, a mother, and a million other things.

    That was the point when I realized that my uncertainty was my greatest asset. I had infinite paths available to me, not just one. So I wrote the following on that scary blank piece of paper: I vow to live a life of infinite possibility.

    That sounds like a fairly lofty goal, but what it means for my everyday life is that I refuse to allow fear, failure, or insecurities to limit my future.

    That doesn’t mean I don’t feel all of those things all the time. It just means that when I look at a possible future for myself, I don’t automatically turn one down because I am afraid I won’t succeed.

    It’s a hard thing to embrace uncertainty. Sometimes all we can see is the cloud of doubt and question marks. But when the future isn’t set, when we aren’t destined to become just one thing, we can become anything.

    In my life this means that when I face starting over, whether that is looking for a new job, a new apartment, or a new town, I try to ignore the limits that fear and stress want to put on my life.

    In the years since I stared down that blank piece of paper, I have learned a few tricks to see the possible on the other side of a blank page.

    I try to use my imagination and visualization as much as possible.

    Our creative thinking is often the only thing that can help us see through that pesky cloud of question marks. Whether it is creating a story about my awesome future as a best-selling author, or just imagining what I might look like with a new haircut, imagination and visualization help us see beyond what is to what could be.

    I also find it helpful not to rule any future out initially.

    I don’t think I will ever go to medical school and become a doctor, but I don’t want to limit myself too soon. If I tell myself that certain futures are off limits, I don’t ease uncertainty, I simply limit my possibilities.

    I still have trouble at times spinning the uncertainty of life into possibility. No matter how many stories I tell children about my amazing life as a superhero, I haven’t actually managed to become one…yet. I still feel the panic rise when uncertainty starts to loom.

    Recently, as I tried to imagine my life beyond my current graduate program, I hit a wall of questions. More accurately, when presented with a cloud of questions, I created a wall of doubt. I questioned my skill set and I doubted the existence of any future prospects.

    I stopped seeing the possibilities and only saw catastrophe. I would never find a “real” career; I would never be successful. I felt myself descending into a spiral of negativity. I could only imagine one terrible possible outcome—complete failure.

    In the end, none of my hard-learned lessons about possibility could help me. The weight of the uncertain future was too much; it pulled me down. It took the words of a dear friend to pull me out of the limited and terrible future I created for myself.

    As I was lamenting my terrible uncertainty, and the horrible future that would befall me since I still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, my wise friend said, “I am so jealous, you can go anywhere.” Just like that it clicked. My friend was jealous of the uncertain future that lay ahead of me.

    Suddenly, I remembered the mission statement I wrote on that paper so long ago. I vow to live a life of infinite possibility. Not an easy life, not a certain life, but a life of possibility.

    Many of my possibilities come from being mobile, but most lives of infinite possibility are lived much closer to home.

    My friend, who has a mortgage and a baby, finds her possibilities in online courses that give her new skills and inspirations. We all have a whole host of possibilities available to us, if we can think creatively and positively.

    Still, these infinite possibilities can become their own source of worry and struggle. Ultimately, I had to pick a path for my life post-graduate school. No matter how many choices we are offered, we all have to pick one direction and just start going.

    As I attempted to whittle down the choices that had made my friend so jealous, I found it was helpful to look at areas of past success.

    I often seek the counsel of those nearest and dearest to me, but when I tried to talk to others about all of these overwhelming choices, everyone became overwhelmed. So instead of discussing the multitude of options, we discussed me. I shared my passions; they shared what they saw as my strengths. A pattern began to emerge.

    I began to see places where my strengths, my passions, and my possibilities overlapped. Then I was able to narrow down my list enough to make a decision.

    I decided to apply to yet another graduate school, but this time one that would allow me to live near my family instead of thousands of miles away. I had taken the unknown, turned it into infinite possibilities, and then chosen the possibility that fit me best.

    Maybe for you, possibility lies in the set of paints that you forgot you loved.

    Maybe finding possibilities means letting go of the pressure to find the right possibility, and enjoying whichever one comes your way for now.

    Maybe you embrace possibility by writing your own life motto and seeing where it takes you.

    Happy man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • When You’re Hiding Your Pain: Why It’s Worth Letting People In

    When You’re Hiding Your Pain: Why It’s Worth Letting People In

    Hopeless Man

    “All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

    We are all interconnected, and we all need each other. Our ability to see and be seen by each other creates a beautiful depth of connection that we are privileged to experience.

    This has been a great lesson for me. I realized many years back that I had been hiding my struggles from those who wanted to help me.

    One of my close friends died when I was twenty-three. I’d thrown an art event the night before and had just come home from brunch with some friends.

    I was tired and processing something hurtful that had happened to me at the event. And then my phone made this little beep, and I found out that while I was mingling at a party my beloved friend was dying.

    Her sister, in her grief, sent me a text, “Lauren passed away last night. For service information email me…” I fell to the floor and simply stared at the words. I was numb and disoriented. Those words, there weren’t enough of them. It was too simple, too short, too fast.

    As I stared at the phone in shock, it began to ring. My friend and business partner called to talk about the event.

    I answered and told her my friend just died. And here comes the part that I’ve been ashamed of: instead of revealing my pain, I told her I was okay and began to talk about the drama from the previous night.

    In an instant, unconscious choice, I decided that it was easier for me to push aside my grief than to be vulnerable.

    That moment makes me cringe for a couple of reasons.

    First, I’ve held on to the guilt that I wasn’t honoring my friend in having a casual conversation after learning of her passing. Yes, I was in shock, but there was something deeper happening.

    I’ve realized that I wasn’t allowing myself to be authentic in my grief because I was afraid to be seen.

    To be seen by our community is to recognize that we are worthy of being here, of taking up space, of needing support. I was unwilling to allow others to see me in my time of grief because on some level I didn’t believe I was worthy of it.

    In some way it felt too risky. To open up would mean that the friendship was being tested, and what if the other person couldn’t be there for me? I wasn’t willing to find out.

    And now I can see that there were so many more times throughout my life where I didn’t allow people to be there for me. I’d force my friends to take money when they wanted to pay for our meal. If I was sick I’d order take out instead of letting my friend pick up some soup and bring it over.

    The only people I felt comfortable allowing to be there for me were my family members, the people who have known me forever and who accept me as I am.

    When I lost Lauren I took the train to my parents’ house and fell into my mother’s arms sobbing. I knew how my mom would react to me; I knew she would embrace me and show me the love I needed.

    It’s risky to open up to people when we’re not sure the outcome, but it’s important to be willing to be surprised. 

    The beautiful thing is that most people want to do for each other without getting anything in return. It makes us feel good to help someone else. We want to be of service, and we’re actually getting something in exchange.

    We feel good about ourselves, about being alive, about being able to help someone. It gives us value and worth. It reminds us of the beauty in being human; it reminds us that we’re interconnected.

    I want to live in a more authentic world. A place where we can show each other the truth about ourselves. I want to give my friends the privilege of being there to support me, and I hope they give me that same honor in return.

    I hope we learn to stop filtering the parts of ourselves that make us human; because that humanness, that part of you that is unique to you, that is the part of you that you ought to be and the part of me that I ought to be.

    And only when we show that part of ourselves to each other are we really living authentically. We need each other, and we want to need each other. You are no exception.

    So when you’re in pain, share it. When you need help, ask for it. Trust that people will be there for you when you need it. All you have to do is share your truth.

    Hopeless man image via Shutterstock