Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Why People Who Feel Complete on Their Own Have Stronger Relationships

    Why People Who Feel Complete on Their Own Have Stronger Relationships

    Couple Holding Hands

    “Self-love, self-respect, self-worth: There’s a reason they all start with ‘self.’ You can’t find them in anyone else.” ~Unknown

    One day, somewhere around the age of twenty-seven, with a rich background of long-term relationships, dating, alone time, and searching for the man who would complete me, it hit me.

    Why was I looking for someone to complete me when I believed that every person could be whole by him or herself? Why did I feel like something was missing, and why was I building my hopes on someone I had never even met?

    I realized I had been looking for someone to believe in me, someone who would encourage me and give me the confidence to know that I was good enough to go after what I wanted.

    I didn’t trust myself to make the right decisions for my life. I was looking for approval so I could believe that the way I acted and the things I did were right.

    Right after this realization came a deep recognition: I am the only one who can truly know what’s best for my life. Even when I make mistakes—and for sure I will—it doesn’t mean that I can no longer trust myself.

    It just means that there is a new part of myself that I’m not at peace with or just not familiar with yet. And it’s time to explore, discover, and choose if I wish to change and improve that part of me.

    I felt so good that I decided to declare myself a complete woman, out loud, to the universe. I announced with pride that I was whole as I was, by myself, and if I felt that something was missing or out of key in my life, it was up to me to find and fix it.

    It was up to me to believe in myself, to trust myself, to listen to my intuition and follow my gut, to pick myself up when I fell, and to keep encouraging myself when I felt stuck or weak. I would be my approval, and I would give myself confidence.

    I felt good about my declaration and decided to take it one step further. I announced that I would stop my search and not look for a partner anymore. I would celebrate, enjoy life, accomplish my wishes and dreams, and I would do more than fine by myself, with myself. I truly believed in it. I felt it. I felt whole.

    With all that self-empowering, I knew that I would still want to keep the partner option open. After all, love between two people can be a beautiful thing, and there was no reason for me to dismiss it if it came into my life.

    But in order to keep myself from getting lost again, to keep my promise and stay tuned to myself, I decided to put in writing all the qualities I’d want in a man if I were to be in a relationship again. Qualities I believed were beneficial, encouraging, empowering, and right for me. 

    Removing the fear of staying alone and knowing that I wasn’t incomplete without a man gave me the strength and courage to clarify what I wanted, without compromising.

    I wrote the list in a positive tone and in present tense, as if this man already existed. Some of the things I wrote included:

    • The man I’m with accepts me for who I am.
    • When I’m with my man, I can be myself. Totally.
    • The man I’m with supports me and encourages me to fulfill my dreams.
    • The man I’m with believes in mutual and individual growth.
    • We can share everything—every thought, every emotion—knowing we are there for each other, to support without judgment.
    • We do our best to improve our communication so we can understand each other.
    • We always see challenges and difficulties in life as an opportunity for mutual and personal growth.
    • We’re open to giving and getting feedback from each other.
    • We always find life interesting, both when we’re together and apart.

    Satisfied with my finished and complete list, I confirmed my thoughts by reading it out loud to the universe. Then I put my list aside, as my work was done.

    I continued my life as a new whole and happy woman. This liberated me from feeling like I was lacking.

    It was an amazing freedom! I was more confident. I was less restrained around other people, especially men. I laughed louder, danced more freely, and looked straight into their eyes with no shame and without worrying about how they saw me.

    I developed myself as a therapist. I started to sing out loud, a thing I always desired. I felt blessed and in return, bliss.

    After a few months, a special man came into my life. And like real life should be, it wasn’t all sparkling and perfect from day one. We worked, invested, and developed our relationship intensively, being 100% honest, sharing every emotion and feeling that came up. Working it out together proved worthwhile.

    Six months into the relationship I realized that my list was fulfilled. I was an empowered woman with an empowered, loving man by my side.

    I never imagined how much a supportive relationship could benefit from my personal growth, my belief in myself, and my ability to become stronger.

    This experience has taught me so much about not only myself but also about how to be a good partner in a relationship.

    The most important thing that helps our relationship be so successful is that from day one I asked my partner to make the same promise I made to myself—to always be honest and true to yourself, to be whole and complete on your own, without anyone’s approval.

    It’s our personal responsibility to take care of ourselves, to feel joy and fulfillment in our life. No other person can make us feel whole in the long run if we don’t feel whole on our own.

    Completing ourselves doesn’t guarantee we’ll find the perfect partner, but it does open us up to the possibility of stronger, healthier relationships, based in mutual respect and empowerment.

    Couple holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    Man and the Sunrise

    “It’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit.  Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same.”  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Have you ever let your doubts get in the way of feeling happy?

    I have.

    I left my soul-sucking corporate job to live my dream, teaching yoga in Thailand.

    I was the happiest woman on earth—or was I?

    It looked that way from the outside. But each time I opened my mouth to teach a class, I was mired in self-doubt. Why wasn’t I charismatic, funny, or charming?

    I stumbled over my words. I wanted to be as chatty and charming as the retreat center owner, but I’m naturally quiet and thoughtful, more of an introvert. I secretly wished I could morph myself into a sparkling extrovert.

    Have you ever felt like you had to be more like someone else in order to be successful? As if your own natural voice wasn’t good enough? That’s how I felt.

    And I wondered if I’d made a gigantic mistake in pursuing my passion for teaching yoga.

    My wise Indian teacher noticed and asked me why I worried. He told me to stop comparing myself to others and focus instead on what gifts I had to offer.  

    It was hard. I still harbored doubts. But as I faced my doubts, the clouds cleared from my mind and allowed the sun to shine.

    I was empowered to teach from my heart, with compassion and honesty. And I strongly connected with the students.

    Ten years later, I continue to practice and teach, and I live each day energized, happier, and fulfilled.

    I’ve managed to keep my doubts at bay and achieve lasting happiness by following a collection of simple methods.

    Your Cheat Sheet To Finding Enduring Happiness

    1. Downsize your doubts.

    Many of your doubts are irrational fears that you must expose for what they are. You can do so by breathing deeply and then carefully reconsidering.

    Doubts can trigger your stress response, putting you into fight-or-flight mode. You’ll feel anxious and panicky, and your anxiety can stop you from following your deeper intuitions.

    When you stop and breathe deeply, you put yourself back into rest-and-digest mode. You allow yourself to discern what’s real from what’s imagined.

    For years I’ve thought of offering a teacher training course, but I’ve been stopped cold in my tracks by my fears. Am I a good enough teacher? Do I have the skills?

    Then I stop, I take a few breaths, and I think, “I’ve been practicing and teaching yoga for more than fifteen years, and taken multiple trips to India to study with the masters. I’m qualified.”

    I’m still scared, but if I listen to my doubts I’ll never take a step closer to this dream. So I take a few breaths, accepting and acknowledging my fears without letting them derail my initiative.

    With practice, you’ll develop a deep-breathing habit that dispels irrational doubts. Just stop. Inhale. Exhale. And repeat three times.

     2. Stop trying to make everyone else happy.

    Do you feel personally responsible for other people’s happiness? If you do, when things don’t go well, their frown will add to your self-doubt. Lighten up your load, and don’t automatically assume that you need to make them smile.

    I remember someone who looked for wrong in everything I did. She was deeply unhappy, and I was the target for her internal strife.

    I tried to make her happy and I inadvertently took responsibility for her happiness. When I finally accepted that her unhappiness wasn’t up to me, I quit wasting my energy and questioning my self-worth. And that was a relief.

    Want to feel happier and more confident? Let go of your need to be a people pleaser. Take responsibility for your own inner world, and quit trying to control everyone else’s.

    3. Kill your inner critic.

    Imagine fingernails scraping a chalkboard.

    Cringe.

    That’s what happens in your brain when you criticize yourself.

    When you criticize, your mind develops a negative thinking pattern. You should reflect on your actions, but you shouldn’t criticize yourself. Inner-harshness is a bad habit that can be changed with practice.

    Try this exercise to break your habit. Make a few lists: times you’ve shown compassion or kindness to someone, another of your positive attributes and skills, and a third of instances when you’ve coped with a difficult challenge. Keep the lists close at hand.

    Next, try to notice your self-critical thoughts. Take a deep breath in, then release the breath slowly. This breath draws your attention away from the criticism. Then think about an item from your list.

    It may seem unlikely that simply recalling positive things will change your thinking. But it will, because over time your brain will rewire itself. Self-doubt and criticism are replaced with patience and understanding.

    When I see photos of my younger self, I recall how critical I used to be about my looks. Ten years later, I see small lines developing around my eyes. Rather than criticizing these signs of aging, I embrace them. My forty-year-old self is happier and hopefully wiser than my thirty-year-old self.

    Work on breaking your habit of criticizing. Over time, you’ll cast away your doubts and cultivate a serene inner space.

    4. Meditate to replace self-doubt with self-compassion. 

    Meditation makes you happier and boosts your self-confidence.

    With practice, you begin to notice your mind’s patterns of self-limiting thoughts, and you can let them pass without believing them.

    I found that practicing loving-kindness meditation was a powerful tool for releasing self-doubt and criticism. The first line of this type of meditation elicits sentiments of compassion and kindness for ourselves. (Note: I’m tweaking the language slightly from the standard meditation)

    “I am filled with loving-kindness. I am well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.”

    I used to have many crazy thoughts: “You’ll never find a partner,” or “You’ll never make a living as a yoga teacher, because who’d want to learn from you?” Using this meditation, over time I was able to notice and mostly let go of the doubts and fears.

    The importance is to build the sentiments, not on the specific language. Feel free to tweak this as you see fit.

    5. Celebrate success.

    Our minds are sneaky. When you envy someone’s success, your deep feeling is, “They’ve achieved this, but I can’t.” You’ve limited yourself and created more doubts. The inherent thought is that you don’t have enough.

    Envy keeps you stuck in a self-doubting cycle. Remember that the amount of success or happiness in this world is limitless. And you have what it takes too.

    Change your jealousy to genuine joy for others, and lift your self-imposed limits. You’ll feel energized and inspired—ready to channel your energy into achieving your own goals and dreams. Then take one step toward that goal. Even a tiny one.

    6. Move your body every day.

    Daily exercise keeps your mind and body healthy. The increased blood flow nourishes your body and brain. You’ll feel stronger and happier from the inside out.

    I’ve seen hundreds of people start yoga and gradually develop self-confidence. They start to do things they thought were impossible.

    I’m one of those people. A daily practice of yoga, where I progressively try new things, has helped me to see my pattern of self-doubts and gradually let go.

    Feel clear and confident with a little daily movement—yoga, walking, or dancing. Choose something that you love, and do it a little each day. Develop inner strength, and cast away your doubts.

    Start today.

    7.  Nurture your passions and strengths.

    You’ll feel alive and confident when you do what you love.

    When you’re passionate and absorbed in your task, you can easily release your doubts.

    For brief moments you’ve felt it — when you forget about censoring yourself and let yourself flow.

    8. Accept and love your shadows.

    To let go of self-doubt, you must accept all aspects of your self—including your pride and your shadows. No one is perfect.

    In order to let go of your doubts, you must learn to be grateful for your limitations and challenges. We all carry baggage; it’s a part of being human.

    Starting from a place of acceptance rather than shame will make all your efforts easier.

    Most people don’t know that I can be short tempered and critical of my loved ones. I’m not always a perfectly zen yoga teacher. But I accept these parts of myself. Instead of fighting them, I work on noticing when I’m impatient or overly critical and gently try to remind myself to be more accepting.

    Remember that we are all human. And we all have our messy sides.

    9. Embrace your own authentic voice.

    For me this was the hardest step, because being authentic means letting your guard down. You let others see your true self, and if you harbor doubts (like I did), this is terrifying.

    Looking back, I see that I was afraid to let people see the real me. It was safer to adopt a way of being that I knew was liked—a charming, chatty persona (that wasn’t me). I was petrified, but when I was able to drop my mask, my words flowed like sweet honey.

    Embrace your own voice and never try to masquerade as someone else.

    Unleash your sassy, sarcastic, or comedic inner child, if that’s the real you. But there’s nothing wrong with being thoughtful, observant, and careful with words either.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but as I practiced breathing, changing my thoughts, and being kind to myself, slowly my inner voice got stronger. I started to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and authentic.

    You can do it too.

    The Key To Long-Lasting Happiness

    You know what would be horrible? Looking back in twenty years and thinking, “Why did I waste so much time doubting rather than doing and connecting?”

    Don’t read this post and think, “Oh, that was good advice.” And then open Facebook and read about your friend’s lunch.

    Don’t keep yourself locked in a prison of illusionary self-doubt.

    Your actions start in your mind with your thoughts. And just because we can’t see your thoughts doesn’t mean they aren’t crucial to your health and happiness.

    Lock your doubts away and don’t let them out. You’ve got work to do.

    Connect with those around you. It’s your key to unlocking long-lasting happiness.

    You have unique gifts to share with the world, and only this lifetime to do so.

    Man and the sunrise image via Shutterstock

  • When Your Dream Dies and You’re Not Sure What to Do Next

    When Your Dream Dies and You’re Not Sure What to Do Next

    Woman with Guitar

    “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C. S. Lewis

    My wake-up call came at a friend’s wedding about seven years ago. Somebody asked me what I did for a living, and I answered truthfully: I’m a singer in a rock band. She thought it was cool, but I went into a rant about why it wasn’t.

    “Creative work is definitely more perspiration than inspiration. The constant travelling and playing late night gigs is exhausting. The ‘business’ side of ‘music business’ is a joke,” I fumed.

    On and on I went. As you’d expect, she was pretty shocked. But it was her words to me that made me stop in my tracks: “Wow, so much anger!”

    What had happened to me? My dream of living off my music had come true. It was a childhood dream of mine, and I was one of the lucky few who were actually living that dream.

    Yet, I was angry and bitter. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own life and my own decisions, because I didn’t own my time, my location, or my money. I felt like my band owned me, because the band always had to come first.

    I realized that my dream wasn’t my dream anymore. Something that once filled me with excitement and passion had become a burden. It was time to find a new dream.

    These changes are inevitable in life. You might have experienced the same when you’ve had to let go of a big and important dream.

    Maybe a relationship proved to be more painful than fulfilling and you had to scrap your big dream of starting a family.

    Or maybe starting a family suddenly made your dream job feel meaningless, and spending twelve hours a day at work felt like missing out on something far more important.

    Maybe you were a serious athlete and an injury forced you to quit your sport.

    These were things that you worked hard for, and making the decision to leave them behind can feel like cutting off the most important thing in your life. Now what?

    Finding that next thing to fill the void of the Big Dream proved to be a lot harder than I expected. I experienced grief, emptiness, and a total lack of direction. I felt I was wasting my life.

    Suddenly I had all this time in my hands that I could have used for other things, but I didn’t know what those other things were. Everything felt a bit pointless. The big picture was missing.

    The dream used to be my goalpost, something that always showed me the direction. Without the dream, I lacked motivation and the reason to do anything.

    So how do you dig yourself out of that hole? How do you find that spark again? This is what I did.

    Give yourself time.

    Give yourself enough time to let the old dream die first. Allow yourself the emotions of grief, anger, depression, and loss. It can be tempting to dismiss those feelings and jump headfirst into a new project, but process the death of the old dream first.

    Allow yourself to just be. Take walks, write a journal, spend more time with friends. Empty yourself from your old routine and just live one day at a time.

    This can be hard if you are driven and goal-oriented, but sometimes it’s good to give yourself room to clear the table. Allow yourself enough time and space so that your new dream has the space to appear.

    Try new things.

    Your new direction and purpose might be radically different to your old one. Give yourself an opportunity to explore completely new things. Mingle with different people, travel to new places, read books you would have never touched before.

    You may find a whole new world that you never had time to discover before because you were so immersed in your old dream. This is the time to give yourself a chance to experience something new.

    Don’t force yourself to the next thing. Instead, keep an open mind. What else does this wonderful world have to offer us?

    Be honest with yourself.

    Spend time in learning more about the person that you truly are. What is it that you really want in life? Have you changed as a person?

    It’s so easy to go with what other people say or make decisions based on other people’s expectations. Maybe things broke down for a very good reason. Your old dream didn’t serve the person you are now.

    Re-define the dream.

    Ask yourself brutally honest questions. What does real success look like for you? What is it that truly makes you happy?

    Maybe you want more time, not more money. Maybe you crave more freedom, not a more demanding job. When you become really clear about what is important to you in life, you will find the first clues about what your new dream will look like.

    —

    For me, it was incredibly important to let go of the old dream that didn’t serve me anymore. Feeling angry and bitter is far worse than feeling lost and empty for a while. Change is difficult, but enduring a period of pain is the path to turning things around.

    Sometimes the new dream and the new direction can be found in the most unexpected of places, but that’s what starting over is all about.

    It took me a while to find my mojo again, but once I did I felt like anything was possible again. Life changes, we change as people; it only makes sense that our dreams change too.

    I found a new balance and a new direction when I started to diversify my ideas of success. Achieving the dream shouldn’t be about sacrifice and pain. Instead, it should be about daily joy.

    What you do every day is what your life becomes about. The dream is just your idea of the future. Focusing on enjoying the every day will lead you to that next Big Dream that is right for you.

    Woman with guitar image via Shutterstock

  • How to Handle Life: Get Out of Your Critical Head

    How to Handle Life: Get Out of Your Critical Head

    Stressed

    “Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    There was a time when I lived almost completely inside myself. I couldn’t handle much of the outside world.

    Yes, I am an introvert, but back then, I had such low self-esteem that the only place I felt safe was inside my own head. I had a low tolerance for problems and mistakes. I was life intolerant.

    Yet, my inner world wasn’t exactly a peaceful sanctuary; it was a cold, discomforting, and harsh place to be. Mainly because I was fat. Or so I thought. I was obsessed with how I looked. My study time was directed at my legs. I appraised my ankles, I graded my thigh gap. And for those failings, I beat myself up.

    What terrible thing could have befallen me for me to have retracted into my shell like that? The answer: nothing major. In fact, my childhood was good and my parents were great.

    But there was something, or a series of somethings in my childhood that led me to live inside my critical head.

    One was that I wasn’t allowed to do much. If anything, I was kind of spoiled. That didn’t really help me because I unconsciously stamped this message on my psyche: “Unable to perform tasks.”

    Second of all, I wasn’t allowed to rectify my mistakes. Just small things—a plate I broke was cleared up before I had a chance to, a garden rake was taken out of my hands because I didn’t know how to weed properly. The underlying takeaway for me was: “Just can’t handle stuff.”

    With those mottos, I plodded through life, slightly shy and fearful.

    But I’m not like that today. In fact, I’m the opposite. My self-talk now is mostly positive, and I encourage myself. I’m kind to myself, and I look out for me.

    How did this come about?

    A not-so-great relationship. I met someone, and unsurprisingly, depended on them for my self-esteem.

    If they thought I was good enough, then I was good enough. But how tumultuous it is to live on the rough seas of someone else’s appraisal! Somehow, amidst those choppy waters, I saw a lighthouse; and it was therapy. I took myself there, and I found a safe harbor.

    I also went to meditation classes.

    Those two things slowly worked away at me, chipping away at those walls I’d put up around myself. I became mindful through meditation, and through therapy I came to realize I needed to become my own best friend.

    So I did. I changed my self-talk. It was a challenge, but I pushed through.

    From there on out, my allergy to living life went away. The relationship ended, but I was equipped with new tools for living. I go out and socialize, I embrace challenges, I live my life with my eyes open—and I can handle it.

    These are the tools I learned along my way.

    Accept.

    Accept what is happening, be it a critical remark or a mistake. When you accept whatever is in front of you, you are allowing yourself to feel discomfort and trusting that you can handle it.

    It can feel quite vulnerable to be so open with no defenses and say, “Yes, this is really happening.” But once you start accepting, it gets easier, because you learn that you can cope with it.

    It’s not pushing away, or denying, which can feel stressful. It’s a calm response to life. Start with accepting small, inconsequential things like spilling food or sending an email with a typo. This will put you in good place to start accepting the bigger toughies down the road.

    Talk kindly to yourself.

    When the going gets tough, you need some back up, and the best are self-soothing sentences.

    “Everything is okay.” “I am capable.” “I trust that I can handle this.”

    They don’t just pop up; you need to work on them daily so that they are there for you when you need them.

    This is where mindfulness and meditation come in, because these practices are like sending your concentration muscle to the gym.

    Once you become mindful in your day, you become aware of how you are talking to yourself. Making it a daily commitment to change negativity into an upbeat outlook is training yourself for the day when something big goes down. When it does, those self-beliefs will come to your aid.

    Allow yourself to be imperfect.

    Sometimes you will need to engage with critical people who make judgments on who you are or a public faux pas, and they will demand that you respond.

    You have choices in how you do so. It takes time to accurately measure which response is best, so try a few.

    You don’t have to be defensive all the time. In fact, you can send your ego on holiday and even agree with some criticism. It can be a huge boost to your self-esteem when you finally allow yourself to not be absolutely perfect, and laugh at yourself instead.

    You can choose to own up to a mistake and try again. No big deal, just “Let me start again,” or “That wasn’t right, I’ll come back with it fixed.” No catastrophizing, but solutions instead.

    Once you start trusting yourself to find solutions, mega worries become tame, because you have learned that you are someone who can find a way forward.

    Finally, you can choose to explain openly what happened, or not. A bit of self-defense is not a bad thing, because you are worth looking out for, after all.

    —

    From today onward, believe in yourself and practice self-acceptance. May your life be a wonderful journey that you take part in, every step of the way.

    Stressed woman image via Shutterstock

  • Change Your Patterns and Stop Sabotaging Relationships

    Change Your Patterns and Stop Sabotaging Relationships

    “Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment.” ~Unknown

    My biggest relationship fear used to be getting dumped for another woman.

    If it actually happened, it was going to be the ultimate proof of my worthlessness.

    It wasn’t easy to live with that fear. When it came to conjuring up scenarios of loss and pain, I was like a rag doll in the hands of my imagination.

    Even if my partner did not leave me or intend to cheat on me, the fear of being abandoned turned me into a person the man I was with no longer recognized.

    It was almost as if the woman he’d met and was attracted to, who’d responded to him with passion, interest, and adoration, had turned into the nightmare girlfriend that he had read about in men’s community forums.

    My fear, hiding in the closet like an imaginary monster, made me extremely jealous, paranoid, manipulative, and controlling.

    It was limiting my experience of life and preventing me from truly opening my heart to my partner.

    I didn’t like who I had become, and the less I liked myself the more I would depend on my partner to feel good about myself. He would energetically feel this pressure and withdraw, which then would trigger my fear of abandonment even more. It was a vicious cycle that I could not end.

    I was aware of these side effects but I didn’t have the courage to face it. I had underestimated the magnetic energy of my fear.

    I was a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it was just dumb luck that I attracted men who would help me work through my biggest fear. Or we can call it perfect divine timing and order. I personally choose the latter.

    The men I attracted were intelligent, creative, talented, fun, and sexy. I wasn’t the only one who saw those qualities. Other women were drawn to them like bees to honey.

    It would not have been a problem if these men had confidence and didn’t feed off the energy coming from these women. I was tortured with suspicion. I cried, screamed, yelled, threatened, and did whatever I could, but I was unable to change the men.

    These relationships turned into a huge source of stress—for me and for them.

    I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. I wanted to stare the fear in the eye and feel its cold breath on my face so that it would not have control over me anymore.

    Once I recognized what I was doing, I began identifying outdated perspectives and beliefs that didn’t contribute to healthy relationships. Reviewing this short list may lead you to your own a-ha moments.

    1. Be willing to be honest with yourself.

    I could have avoided so much stress if I was willing to face my fear of abandonment. Instead, I shoved it into the back of my subconscious and pretended it was all my partner’s fault.

    Eventually, it got too big to keep it under wraps. What we don’t know—or don’t want to know—can actually hurt us.

    2. Recognize your love script.

    We all have a love script ingrained in us that we unconsciously follow. If this script keeps bringing us pain and disappointment, we may have to pay more attention to what we’re doing and why.

    Do you always go for women who have a lingering interest in another person?

    Do you pick the guy who has a fun personality but still lives with his parents and can’t take care of himself financially?

    Now look for other constants and pull from your family history to make connections. Your love script will reveal itself. Once you see it, it will all make sense.

    3. Know that your expectations, not other people, cause disappointment.

    Some of our expectations are not realistic, and in some cases, it isn’t our partner’s job to meet them.

    Not knowing our expectations is a deadly trap that creates tension and resentment.

    I felt shame when I tried to say, “But you didn’t call me after work before you went off to have drinks with your co-workers.” So instead, I would do the same to him in order to give him a taste of his own medicine.

    He had no idea that I expected that from him. He would have, if I had known it myself and communicated it. But I didn’t. Instead, I reacted. Deep inside I knew that it was an act of control and it was childish. My hidden expectations slowly pulled us apart.

    4. Realize you’re not the center of your partner’s world.

    It sucks to find out that the world doesn’t revolve around you, doesn’t it? I used to think, “You mean, you don’t think of me all the time, fantasize about me, hang onto my every word, and see eye to eye with me on all areas of life? Wow, I thought you loved me.”

    The truth is, they are their own person and they are having their own life experience. No matter how much they love us, we are still playing a role in their life, and aren’t their whole life.

    For how long and how well we play that role is up to how each person does the relationship and lets the other person be themselves without trying to control or change them.

    —

    If we are unable to look at ourselves and be honest about our pain and how that fuels our behavior, we will keep repeating the same patterns.

    I don’t know about you, but that got old for me, and I had to own my own fear of abandonment in order to untangle myself from this pattern. I am glad that I did.

    Now, if I feel insecure in a relationship, I just think, “Oh, it’s that old fear again” and stay present. Now I feel like an adult most of the time instead of like a child who fears abandonment. It has made a whole world of difference for me, and it could for you as well.

    Unhappy couple image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Living on Autopilot: 5 Ways to Live an Amazing Life

    Stop Living on Autopilot: 5 Ways to Live an Amazing Life

    “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~ Stephen Covey

    I used to be a zombie.

    I don’t mean that I died and was brought back to life; I mean I used to live on autopilot. Diligently doing the right thing.

    Following one opportunity to the next, onward and upward.

    Until I found myself boxed into a cubicle, earning a six-figure income while my soul slowly died.

    I didn’t even realize it. I just thought this was what people did.

    Everyone around me was the same. They weren’t happy, but like me, they stayed because of the money and conditions. I didn’t grasp it at the time, but we were all taking the easy path. We were all bottling up our dreams, too scared to change.

    We were all selling ourselves short and living our lives on autopilot.

    Many of my previous colleagues still do. But not me.

    For years, I’d ached to do something different. I envied those who made a living by helping others. But I thought that life hadn’t chosen me, that it wasn’t my path.

    I didn’t comprehend that I was choosing my path every day. I didn’t realize that by not making a conscious choice to do something better, to be something better, I was following a path to unhappiness.

    Every day you choose how you live your life, whether you’re conscious of it or not. And choosing to live an amazing life doesn’t have to be complicated.

    Today I live more consciously. I’ve chosen a new path, and I’m working doggedly toward it.

    I’m not there yet, but my life is already more amazing. I’m living out some of my dreams while working toward others.

    I make choices that align with my values and goals, and I don’t settle for second best.

    I’ve discovered five simple ways to make life more amazing.

    1. Focus on connection, not perfection.

    You have a lot of pressure on you to be perfect.

    You try to live a perfectly healthy life, or be the perfect parent, the perfect employee, or the perfect partner.

    I used to get up at 5:30 every morning so I could exercise, meditate, tidy up, and get to work early. I pushed aside quality time with my family so I could do it all.

    All of that takes time and effort, and it doesn’t make you happier. It makes your life less enjoyable, and less amazing because it robs you of time you could have spent with the people you love.

    I now sleep in a little, and I wake up when my kids climb into bed for a cuddle.

    Life is more amazing when you focus less on perfection and more on connections. People and relationships bring us happiness and enrich our lives.

    Stop listening to the little voice of should. The one that says you should be exercising or working more when you’re already putting in a good effort.

    You need to spend time with your favorite people because time is limited, and relationships are the most important thing in the world.

     2. Live by your values.

    Do you ever feel like something is not quite right, but you can’t put your finger on what it is?

    Maybe you’ve been for a job interview, and it seems good, but something is off. Or you’ve met someone new, and they seem nice, but something isn’t right. Something you can’t articulate.

    Most of the time, that feeling is a flag that something is not in line with your values.

    If you sit down and list your core values and then list the values of the person or thing that doesn’t seem to fit, you’ll see a mismatch.

    That not quite right feeling is a signal that something needs to change. It’s a signal I didn’t listen to for a long time, and it led to problems.

    When I took my high-paying job, I did so because the organization focused on helping people, and that’s what I wanted to do, too.

    Over time, I realized that the way they helped people was not in line with my values. Writing and implementing policy did not satisfy me.

    I want to write directly to people so I can inspire and motivate them.

    I value connections with people, but the organization valued structure and governance. Had I realized this mismatch sooner, and acted on it, I would have been happier.

    Living by your values gets you into flow. Everything becomes easier from there.

     3. Let fear be your motivator.

    Some years ago, I read an article written by a senior executive retiring from a large organization.

    He wrote something like, “I’ve worked hard here for over forty years. I’ve put in long hours and sacrificed time from my friends and family. And you know what? It wasn’t worth it.”

    How sad. He’d lived his life on autopilot, and it was too late to change.

    I keep his story in mind whenever I’m tempted to take the easy option. I question my motivation.

    Am I slipping into autopilot, or is it what I want? If what I want is difficult and scary, what is the cost of not being courageous?

    Let the fear of not trying, the fear of regret, and the fear of wasting your life be your motivator.

     4. Don’t believe in signs.

    Do you ever ask yourself if something is a sign from the universe?

    Here is the cold hard truth about signs from the universe: They don’t exist. The universe doesn’t send you signs.

    When someone thinks there’s a sign that supports or discourages a certain path, it’s just meaning that they’ve added to a situation or event.

    And you only wonder if it’s a sign when you’re already in self-doubt.

    If you go to the grocery store to buy chicken for dinner, and they’re out of chicken, you don’t wonder if it’s a sign from the universe that you should give up eating.

    You just change your plans and make something else for dinner. You stick with your goals and keep going.

    If Edison had listened to signs, he would have given up years before, and we’d all be sitting here in the dark.

    His teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs because of his lack of productivity.

    His first 1,000 attempts at inventing the light bulb failed. One thousand!

    His interpretation of the situation? The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.

    Keep working toward your dreams. Even if they take 1,000 steps.

     5. Keep visiting the dream room.

    Walt Disney used to have a series of rooms to help him and his team brainstorm their best ideas.

    The first one was the Dream Room, where all ideas were possible, and no evaluation took place. Pure fantasy was encouraged, no matter how fantastic or absurd.

    The second room was the Realist Room, where Walt and his team planned how to put the ideas into place.

    Lastly, there was the Critic Room. This is where they’d look for problems and openly criticize. They’d think of what could go wrong, how they could prevent problems, and what the project might cost.

    Walt’s system encouraged people to dream, but also to plan so they could achieve their wildest fantasy.

    Can I be painfully honest with you? The I’m-shocked-anyone-would-say-that kind of honesty. The brutal truth. No holds barred (brace yourself).

    Your problem is that you’re stuck in the Critic Room.

    You get the flicker of a good idea, but before you can flesh it out and establish how it might work, you’ve shot it down in flames. It’s too hard, or too expensive, or too difficult. Or just too scary.

    You jump straight into criticizing things you haven’t had the opportunity to plan. So you don’t dare to dream.

    You feel the fear before you’ve started entertaining the reality of what might be.

    You let all the criticisms you’ve ever heard in your life gang up on you and whisper, “You’re not good enough,” in your ear.

    Here’s The Real Truth

    The truth is that you’re just as good as anyone else.

    You’re just as good as anyone who is living the dream life you wish was yours.

    The only difference is determination. Because having an amazing life starts with dreaming up the life you want.

    But that’s only the beginning. People who create an amazing life work to achieve it.

    You can’t just sit around waiting for your dreams to happen. You must strive toward them. You must have determination.

    So the real truth is that you have a choice.

    You can choose to live an amazing life. Or you can choose to be a zombie, take the easy path, and sit there on autopilot. Which one will you choose?

  • Get Mindful in May and Pause for a Great Cause

    Get Mindful in May and Pause for a Great Cause

    Mindful in May

    When your mind is scattered, your head full of worries, and your heart full of fears and doubts, the world is a stressful, sometimes terrifying place.

    When you take time to clear your mental space, suddenly everything feels easier. Without the heavy burden of anxiety and rumination, you’re free to simply be—and to see.

    It’s like cleaning a dirty window; all of a sudden, the light comes in, light you didn’t even realize was there.

    What provides this cleaning, clarifying magic? Meditation, and even just ten minutes a day.

    My whole life transformed when I learned that I could free myself from my bully brain, if I made a little time in my daily schedule to be still and silent.

    And that’s not the only benefit of meditation. When practiced regularly, meditation can lead to:

    • Structural changes in the brain associated with enhanced mental performance
    • Reduced stress and its negative impact on the body and mind
    • Improved physical and mental well-being
    • Reduced genetic aging through its protective impact on gene expression and degeneration
    • Increased happiness
    • Enhanced immune function

    If, like me, you want to continually reap these benefits, I highly recommend joining Mindful in May—a one-month campaign starting on May 1, which teaches you to meditate and at the same time helps bring clean water to those in developing countries.

    The Program Includes:

    • Daily guidance with clear, accessible tips on mindfulness meditation
    • Weekly audio meditations
    • Daily motivation and coaching to support your new mindful habit
    • Exclusive interviews with leaders in mindfulness across the globe
    • Your own meditation journal to track your month
    • A one-month curation of inspiring content to nourish your soul and introduce you to world leaders in well-being
    • Healthy, quick recipes to support your wellness and inspire the practice of mindful eating

    If you’d like, you can check out a sample 10-minute meditation here.

    The Cause: Charity Water

    As part of the challenge, you’ll be able to invite friends and family members to sponsor you. One hundred percent of their donations will help bring clean water to the one out of nine people who don’t have access to it.

    As Mindful in May Founder Elise Bialylew wrote:

    In the developed world most of us have our survival needs met, but it’s our minds that can cause so much of our suffering. The World Health Organization predicts that depression will be the second-leading cause of global disability burden by 2020.

    In the developing world, it’s something as basic as a lack of access to clean, safe water that causes so much suffering. Contaminated water is still one of the leading causes of disease and death in the developing world. 

    Last year, participants from twelve counties raised nearly $200,000 for Charity Water, enabling the construction of five wells near Ethiopia and Nepal. This year’s fundraising efforts will bring clean water to Rwanda.

    You can learn more about where your fundraising money goes here.

    —

    Ready to help yourself—and others? Join Mindful and May, tell your friends and family to sponsor you, and help spread this mindful ripple.

  • How Fear Melts Away When We Stop Resisting the Present

    How Fear Melts Away When We Stop Resisting the Present

    Fearful Man

    “Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as if you had chosen it yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The second hand on the clock ticked to 12 like a base runner returning home. It was 9:00AM on Monday morning.

    Anxiety set in as I stared at the stack of papers on my desk. Budgets needed to be balanced, new clients needed to be obtained, and advertising campaigns needed to be launched for high-profile brands.

    Everybody needed something. It was my first day as an Advertising Executive and I already knew I was in trouble.

    In a few hours I was scheduled to meet with my first client, a Fortune 500 retail brand.

    I was not new to the advertising world, but I was stepping into a major promotion, and this was the first global account I would be directing alone.

    I was terrified. I arrived early for the meeting and waited nervously in the conference room. It was clear during the meeting that this corporation had high expectations and a low tolerance for mistakes.

    I played it cool, but the heat was on. Inside I felt resistance. “I used to be an artist. Now I’m a business executive?” I thought. “How did I get myself into this?”

    I wanted to run away, but I had nowhere to go. The only way to release my fear, I finally realized, was to change my focus. “Stick with it,” I kept telling myself, even when frustration weighed on me like a ton of bricks. “Stick with it.”

    Human beings have evolved a physiological reaction to avoid danger by any means necessary. This impulse compels us to destroy any threat we face; and if the threat is too big to destroy, we opt for plan B. We run.

    This is known as the fight or flight response, a survival mechanism built into our DNA to ensure we don’t get eaten by tigers or beheaded by cranky neighbors.

    In prehistoric times, this response was valuable for our survival. Fast forward to the 21st Century. Today, in many ways, our cultural dynamics have evolved beyond our biological instincts.

    For example, we no longer face the same daily threats we did in paleo, or even feudal, times. But our egos still react to external conflict, however insignificant, with a fight or flight response, causing us to perceive threats that do not exist. We run away, in many cases, from shadows.

    When facing a legitimate threat, the fight or flight instinct is very helpful. But when no legitimate threat is present, the fight or flight response can create fear and anxiety in situations that don’t require either.

    People (myself included) will often sit down on their couch at home and, in spite of the fact that they are perfectly safe, experience feelings of intense worry and anxiety. This anxiety has the tendency to manifest as either fight or flight. It’s in our biological code.

    If we choose fight, we become abusive to ourselves and those around us. If we choose flight, we become absent and disconnected.

    Why do we tend to feel worry and anxiety, even when we are safe? Because we are allowing our emotions to react to a false narrative. The struggle for survival experienced by our ancestors is embedded into our collective unconscious.

    In modern civilization, this narrative expresses itself as resistance to, among other things, the peace of the present moment. Our worry causes us to over-complicate life.

    “Only fools are happy,” our ego says. “I know something is bound to go wrong. And when it does, I’ll be ready.” We resist the present moment. And whenever we resist, we struggle.

    What you resist, persists. But embracing your struggle is the end of fear.

    Running from your environment is like running from a mirror because you don’t like the unhappy face in the reflection. You can run to a different mirror (and another, and another) but you will continue to see the same unhappy reflection until you stop running and start smiling.

    Your environment will not change until you change first.

    It’s normal to feel stuck, but the more you resist the present moment and try to escape, the more stuck you will feel.

    Instead of running, use each moment, especially the bad ones, to practice being fully present. Living in the moment is a habit. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

    As you continue to live in the present moment, peace and happiness become effortless. Acceptance of the present moment is the end of fear and anxiety.

    It seemed like an eternity, but only an hour had passed. I looked at the clock. 10:00AM. It was still Monday, my first on the job, and I already wanted out.

    I felt threatened and my fight or flight response kicked in. I wanted to run. But I didn’t. Instead, I took a deep breath, walked to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, walked back to my desk, and took another deep breath. Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale.

    I dove in and embraced my job with abandon, releasing my ego and accepting the present moment. When things went smoothly, I trusted the flow. When things fell apart, I trusted the flow. When I made mistakes (and I made several), I trusted the flow to find a solution.

    I gave my best effort, and released attachment to results.

    Everything changed. Not only did I stop feeling insecure about my job, but I was soon promoted to a leadership role within the company. Were things perfect? No. But changing my perception caused a ripple effect that changed my thoughts and actions, and my environment changed as a result.

    The culture of my agency didn’t change overnight, but as I chipped away at the resistance within myself, the challenges I faced in my environment disappeared in equal proportion.

    We all face fear. This fear triggers our fight or flight response and causes us to struggle and resist the present moment. What if you tried, instead of running from fear, sticking with it?

    Letting go of resistance, especially when you want to resist the most, puts you in a state of flow, and from a state of flow we tune into a wider perspective and access higher levels of creativity, happiness, and peace.

    The moments in your life flow like a stream. By accepting the flow of the moment as it is, this stream will inevitably guide you to the rivers and oceans of your purpose. And one day you will look back with gratitude on the challenges that elevated your environment to align with your intentions.

    Fearful man image via Shutterstock

  • Gaining Freedom from Our Obsession with Possessions

    Gaining Freedom from Our Obsession with Possessions

    Smiling Woman

    “How pointless life could be, what a foolish business of inventing things to love, just so you could dread losing them.” ~Barbara Kingsolver

    Approximately one month after graduating from a privileged institution on the East Coast, I was standing knee deep in rainforest on the Big Island of Hawaii cutting weeds with a small kama.

    Here I was, with a brand new Master’s degree in Education Policy, genuinely confused as to whether I was cutting the right plant because my entire life before that had been about sitting on the computer doing mind work.

    Despite my lack of experience, the humidity, and the mosquitos that just wouldn’t quit, I still remember thinking to myself, “This is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

    My goal, like so many others who choose to go to graduate school, was to finish my program in a specialized field and get a higher paying job with the prospect of moving up the proverbial ladder.

    I needed a higher paying job to pay not only my bills, but also to maintain all my possessions, which I identified with so strongly.

    In an increasingly globalized and interconnected world, countless corporations and advertisers work hand in hand to convince us of our inherent need to possess possessions, and they deliver the message that our worth can be counted by the quantity and price tag of our material belongings.

    Catchy songs and slogans, promises of happiness in a bottle, and endless portrayals of a “better” life inundate us the minute we turn on the television or step outside our house to work for a paycheck that seems to slip through our fingers as we buy more and more without ever feeling as if we have enough.

    Like countless others, I bought into this harmful ideal and spent the summer of 2013 feeling as if I was drowning in debt.

    My credit card was maxed out, I had quit my job because I disagreed with the politics, and the only job I could manage to find was part-time and barely paid more than minimum wage.

    When I started my graduate program I thought to myself that if this degree didn’t help me find a well-paying job, I was a failure.

    Well, I didn’t end up finding a job after graduation, and in August 2014, I decided that if I was going to be jobless I might as well be jobless in a beautiful setting.

    With a few thousand dollars in my savings account, a one-way ticket, and a single suitcase, I went to a donation only ten-day Vipassana meditation retreat on the Big Island of Hawaii.

    Looking back on my trek across three beautiful islands in Hawaii, (the Big Island, Maui, and Kauai), I realized that my time spent in silent meditation at the beginning was necessary.

    It was the first time since I started kindergarten at age five that I didn’t go to school and/or work in pursuit of “the good life” that had been marketed to me for as long as I can remember.

    Among people from all over the world and all walks of life, I ate simple vegetarian meals, slept in a borrowed tent, and gave up any possible distractions including all electronics, books, and writing materials.

    It was the single hardest challenge I have yet to undertake, and there were moments of such intense misery that I seriously considered asking for my things and returning home before completion.

    With absolutely nothing to entertain me, I found myself reading and rereading a pamphlet I didn’t realize I had from the plane, and watching a group of turkeys for over an hour as they did nothing more than go along with their daily lives.

    I realized in tears after a profound meditation that I’d maxed out my credit card because I was trying to fill a void in the midst of an emotionally toxic relationship and I was disenchanted with a job that I had once thought of as perfect for me.

    I emerged from the retreat with a better sense of who I was and the resolution to live as simply and sustainably as possible.

    On the Big Island I volunteered at an aspiring eco-hostel where I slept on an old school bus that had been cleared of its seats and replaced with two twin mattresses and a table.

    In Maui I toiled on a permaculture farm high in the mountains and shared a tent and later a small bedroom with my close friend.

    Kauai led us to volunteering at a beautiful multi-million dollar home where my friend and I alternated between sleeping on the couch in the main house and a recently renovated toolshed that fit only a small twin-sized bed.

    Throughout my time in Hawaii I left behind many of my things, some voluntarily and others involuntarily.

    I donated restrictive clothing that no longer seemed to fit my more laid back attitude and two comfortable pillows that I had initially been sure I would take with me wherever I went.

    However, it was my reaction to my involuntary losses that made me realize the futility of holding on to material possessions I once considered essential in the concrete jungle: my cell phone and my music playing device.

    Before, these losses would have aroused a plethora of negative emotions in me: regret, anger, sadness, frustration, and most certainly the overwhelming desperation to replace them as quickly as possible.

    Having very little came with a big benefit, however: I had very little to lose. An even bigger benefit was that I learned to appreciate what I did have.

    Sometimes we make ourselves sick with worry over keeping our possessions safe in our care and sick with longing for what we don’t have.

    This comes with associating our worth and our happiness with material objects that no matter how much we care for, eventually deteriorate over time or go out of style only to be replaced with a newer version.

    And so the cycle continues.

    Breaking the dizzying cycle of materialism doesn’t have to include donating all our belongings to a charity, however. There are three simple steps you can take toward gaining freedom from your possessions and breaking the cycle of more, more, more.

     1. Cut down on what you already have.

    It doesn’t have to be something drastic. Studies have shown that removing clutter from our surroundings leads to a calmer and clearer state of mind.

    Start with one room instead of trying to take on the whole house. Are there any clothes you haven’t worn in years? Be honest and really consider if you’ll ever wear it again.

    Personal styles come and go, and there’s no shame in donating something that still has a price tag on it, you’ve only worn a few times, or is uncomfortable due to our beautifully changing bodies.

    2. Think twice before you buy.

    “If I don’t get this I’m going to regret it tomorrow.” “It’s such a good deal I’d be foolish not to buy it!”

    Wait a day to buy whatever you think you need, especially if you hadn’t planned on buying it before you saw it.

    More often than not, our concentration is pulled in other directions and we don’t even remember the item we just “had” to have the day before. Or, the prospect of going back to the store is simply not worth it.

     3. Be grateful for what you have.

    This is by far the most important piece of advice I can give to anyone. There was a day when the servers offered candy for the first time during lunch, and I don’t think I ever enjoyed a small hard candy as much in my entire life.

    Being without so much of what I took for granted every day during my meditation retreat (including any chairs with backs!) and during much of my travels led me to realize that focusing on the small things I had made me infinitely happier.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • Saying Yes When We Mean No: How to Break the Habit

    Saying Yes When We Mean No: How to Break the Habit

    No

    “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” ~Josh Billings

    Have you ever encountered a situation where you found yourself agreeing to do something that you had no interest in actually doing?

    When we find ourselves saying yes when we mean no, we are essentially saying no to ourselves and giving our personal power away. The classic archetype of the People Pleaser.

    So why do we do it?

    I believe it is learned behavior. I have yet to see a toddler hold themselves back from the brink of a temper tantrum and tell themselves, “You know what, mum is really tired today. She doesn’t need another one of my meltdowns. The diaper aisle in Target is not the right place for this type of behavior.”

    It simply doesn’t happen. Children tend to express their emotions as they feel them, which is why they are generally such emotional-baggage-free zones. They typically express those emotions freely and with complete abandon, regardless of who’s looking at them.

    Throughout the course of our early life, when our mother, father, or parental figure approves of what we do, it feels good. Therefore, we learn to keep doing things that will meet their approval to keep feeling good.

    The problem is that every time we continue on this pleasing path, we are ultimately taking ourselves off our own path. We are closing down from what we want, focusing on what others want from us, and effectively handing them the reins to our lives.

    One analogy I like to make for this type of behavior is renting a car in a new city with a GPS device.

    You are entirely reliant on that device getting you to where you need to be. All well and good, but what if the device isn’t given the correct instructions or doesn’t take into account the new one-way system recently implemented in the city?

    When you relinquish control and hand your power over to someone or something outside yourself, you are cutting yourself off from you.

    But what if you also had a map of the new city and worked out your correct location and intended destination?

    You’d start to get a sense of where you are and a feel for the direction you need to be headed in.

    The GPS system is a shorter route to get there and a very useful aid, but in handing over your power completely, you are at the whims of the GPS and at risk of driving the wrong way down a one-way street.

    I learned from an early age that life would be simpler if I just did what I was told. In turn, people started to expect that nice behavior from me. But what about the situations where I wasn’t feeling like being nice? What if being nice felt the polar opposite of the emotion that I wanted to express?

    By choosing people pleasing behavior, I was giving everyone else what they wanted and in turn, denying myself.

    I was stuffing down my emotions and instead, learning to say what was expected of me. After a while, this behavior starts to feel normal and you no longer even question why you behave a certain way; it becomes ingrained, a habit.

    So how do we break the habit?

    The first step is simply awareness.

    Notice when you start to engage in people pleasing behavior.

    There is no need to beat yourself up when you notice this. You are essentially starting to retrain the neural pathways in your brain. It may take some time. Go easy on yourself and be forgiving. But don’t stop paying attention.

    By becoming aware, we can no longer stay in denial about our behavior; we know exactly what we are doing.

    The next step is to ask, “Why am I doing this?”

    Once we are aware of our behavior, we can start to question it. One of my people pleasing habits is just to give the other person what they want so I don’t have to feel any emotional discomfort. This is called avoidance.

    For example, a friend invites me to dinner and asks if we could go to a fondue restaurant she loves. I hate fondue. The idea of soaking pieces of bread into a vat of swirling melted cheese makes me feel slightly nauseous.

    Yet, instead of just telling my friend this, I hear myself saying, “Sure, sounds great.” Fast-forward a few days and there I am, stuffing melted cheese into my mouth and plastering a grin over my face to try and conceal my disgust.

    I asked myself, why am I doing this? The answer was clear. I would rather put myself through a few hours of discomfort and line my intestines with a cheese glaze rather than tell my friend I wasn’t into it.

    As I looked back on this experience I realized that the only person suffering in that experience was me. I willingly put myself into a situation I didn’t want to be in rather than being honest.

    After becoming aware of our behavior and figuring out why we’re doing it, we can then address the problem.

    The last step is to set emotional boundaries.

    Setting new boundaries with the people you love is never easy, and it takes time. The key is to take a deep breath and step back when you find yourself entering the people-pleasing zone.

    Saying “I’m not sure yet, can I get back to you?” is a step in the right direction. This gives you time to think the issue through so you don’t feel pressured into making a decision.

    Ask yourself what you want, not what the other person wants from you.

    If you don’t want to do what is being asked of you, it’s okay. You can be loving and kind about it but remain firm.

    Creating boundaries provides an emotional comfort zone for yourself. When we are clear on what we will and wont accept, people respect us for it.

    At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and accepted by those closest to us. But it’s important to know that loving someone doesn’t mean doing everything in your power to please them. This is called being a doormat.

    By shifting focus and starting to love yourself first, you learn to step into your authentic self and conduct your relationships from a place of equal footing.

    We begin to reaffirm to ourselves that we have the right to live our lives on our own terms.

    Stand tall in your own skin and be who you are meant to be, not what somebody else expects you to be.

    No blackboard image via Shutterstock

  • When People Judge: Why It’s Not Really About You

    When People Judge: Why It’s Not Really About You

    “Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.” ~Nancy Lopez

    You and I, we judge others. And they judge us. We all do it. Sometimes we judge with positive or non-harming intentions.

    Unfortunately, our judgment often comes from a negative place, with darker intent.

    Why Do We Judge?

    Though we judge for many reasons, we often do it when:

    • We don’t know a person well (yet)
    • We cannot identify with a person’s belief system, values, or behavior
    • That person somehow threatens how we perceive ourselves

    I believe we judge for the first reason because our minds want to simplify the processing of information by putting environmental clues into categories. This just makes things so much easier, doesn’t it?

    For me personally, when I judge for the second and third reasons, I have especially negative emotions and thoughts toward others.

    I try hard not to judge, and have been doing so less and less, but I still have a ways to go. 

    How I’ve Judged Others

    I used to judge people, especially men, when I learned that they had been unfaithful to their girlfriends.

    As soon as I learned about the situation, I would feel resistance and anger building up inside me. I would immediately begin insulting them in my head, and sometimes would actually verbalize it if there was someone to discuss it with.

    Today, I rarely react like this. I know not to judge someone based on their actions because everyone makes mistakes, and some people prefer to behave in a way not everyone else can relate to.

    I still don’t find it appropriate or fair to cheat on someone, but I stopped letting that define the worth I assign to that person.

    I know now where that strong negative response comes from. Someone once cheated on me, and it caused me a lot of pain. As a result, I have developed a pretty rigid mindset around that topic.

    In the past, I also judged women when I felt threatened by them, especially those who I perceived to be extremely attractive.

    I compared my body to other women’s bodies because I feared I didn’t look as hot as they did, which was clearly a matter of low self-esteem. The conversation in my mind went something like this:

    “Oh, look at that girl in that red dress—her tight body and her perfect curves. And look how she moves. I’m sure she must get a lot of attention and admiration from the guys around here. She has to be really arrogant.”

    This inner chatter made it pretty apparent what was going on inside me in those moments. First, I began comparing myself to someone who I perceived to be better than me physically, then I decided I couldn’t measure up. This, of course, made me feel threatened.

    So I judged her by using a big generalization to put her down so I could feel better about myself.

    What Can We Do About It?

    I’ve noticed that my increased level of self-love has helped me judge a lot less. (You can find some helpful tips to increase your own self-love here.)

    Also, I’m more aware of it now when I judge because I feel threatened, and with awareness, I am able to step back and ask myself whether my initial judgment is true.

    I almost always have to own up to the fact that no, just because someone is attractive, that doesn’t have to mean she’s arrogant.

    I’m not saying that we all have to learn to stop judging others. Maybe it isn’t even possible to do so because of the way we’re wired as human beings.

    But what we can learn is that our judgments mostly have to do with us, not the people we judge, and the same is true when others judge us.

    In most cases, we judge others in order to feel better about ourselves, because we are lacking self-acceptance and self-love.

    If we could learn to embrace ourselves as we truly are, would we still be so judgmental toward others? Most likely not. We would no longer need a reason to put someone else down just to raise ourselves up.

    This is only one of the many reasons why self-love is so important and powerful. If we could all learn to love ourselves, we would make our world a much more compassionate and much less judgmental place.

  • Surprise Makeovers for Some Very Grateful Seniors

    Surprise Makeovers for Some Very Grateful Seniors

    So often, people of a certain age feels less important or forgotten, but not these women from Mount Olivet Senior Care Center.

    Volunteers from the group I Am Kindness surprised them with glamorous makeovers, and they all look absolutely beautiful. But it’s not the makeup or bling that did it. It’s the light that shines through their eyes, and that’s the power of love, kindness, and attention.

  • When You’re Restless Because Every Day Feels the Same

    When You’re Restless Because Every Day Feels the Same

    Bored Man

    “To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Years ago I found my self at a low point. It wasn’t a big, life-changing event that got me there; just a sudden realization that life sucked. Every day of that horrible summer, this question nagged at me: “Is this as good as it gets?”

    My sons were very young then and always happy, a joy to be around. My marriage was healthy and my husband was doing great. The problem was me—my pain body had attached itself to this feeling of “Is this all there is?”

    I spent many hours on my couch trying not to look like I was in this funk in front of my boys so they wouldn’t feel any negativity.

    I plodded along with everyday things, such as driving them to friends’ houses and joining my friends for lunch, but I lived with this underlying resentment that was consuming me, swallowing me up like a dark cloud.

    It felt like I had reached a point in life where I knew it all (of course, I hadn’t even scratched the surface), and I’d figured everything out, and now what? 

    I would get up every morning and go through my routine, part of which involved making my bed.

    When I was feeling this way and I was lost in my own perception of things, I would look at our bed as I put it together and have a sense of ugh! Here I am, making this bed again to have the same predictable day only to get into it again tonight and start all over tomorrow.

    WHAT’S IT ALL FOR?  

    This question nagged at me as I made sure the pillows lined up and ran my hands over the duvet to smooth it to non-wrinkled perfection. Yuk! What did it matter? Why did I care? Was this it? Would I just stay on my little path with these little details until I die?

    I couldn’t find my way back to happiness. I was stuck. Thankfully, the Universe and my free will started to show me another side.

    A friend opened my eyes to a different perspective and I started to re-think all of my negative thoughts. She helped me see everything around me with new eyes instead of taking it all for granted.

    I felt an opening of my soul and realized that there was so much more than I had previously allowed into my life. Just the fact that I was open to receive this better, more positive way of viewing my life made me happier.

    Within weeks I started gardening and got lost in the outdoors and the smell of the Earth.

    I was emerging as a more enlightened soul, lighter, taking on the day and feeling excited to do simple things—things that I had not considered doing for a long time, such as hiking and just sitting in the grass for hours.

    As part of my morning routine, I started meditating in my yard, then doing yoga in the glorious sun. My whole perception of my life turned around and I reveled in each day, so happy to be here in this beautiful place, having this amazing experience.

    Filled with love for my family, myself, and just about everyone and everything, I had transformed. And just like that, I left behind that persistent question, “What’s it all for?”

    Now I knew what it all was for—to experience love, to give it, to receive it, to relate to the Universe and others as part of the sum of everything imaginable.

    My life situation hadn’t changed; I hadn’t moved away or started a new career. I didn’t seek therapy or join any club. I simply changed my perception about my life. I saw things with new eyes and realized how closed off I had become.

    I have never again allowed myself to go to that dark place, as I am still high on life, with all of its simple pleasures and splendor. I walk around this beautiful lake every morning and marvel at nature and how perfect it is. I find ten miracles before breakfast, and I am living a life of joy. 

    I make my bed every morning, and I always make sure to run my hand over the duvet to make it smooth. I line up the pillows and spend a minute so it looks neat. I think about the day and how amazing it is that I can create whatever I choose.

    With a feeling of being blessed, I have deep gratitude for everything in my life. And then I think, “Wow, I’m about to have a great day and then end up back here back in my bed with my husband! How awesome is that?”

    Recognize that your thoughts represent just one possible way to perceive your circumstances. Write down all the great things in your life and decide to throw away any negative, self-limiting thoughts.

    It’s your choice how you see your life, so see it as a beautiful gift and take on each day with love in your heart and a smile on your face.

    Bored man image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life

    7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life

    Strong, Confident Woman

    “Embrace each challenge in your life as an opportunity for self-transformation.” ~Bernie S. Siegel

    I’d been having mild pain for about a week—a consistent, dull ache in the center of my chest.

    I’m thirty-nine years old with no personal history of heart disease, or of anything else for that matter. Worry hadn’t yet consumed me, but I was keeping an eye on the pain to see if it got better or worse.

    Once a week I drive ninety Los Angeles miles round trip for work. I say “Los Angeles” miles because I should theoretically be able to make the journey there and back in just over two hours, but it can take up to five, since I spend almost the entire commute on the perpetually traffic-ensnarled 405 freeway.

    It was during this commute that the pain began to feel more intense. I thought my left hand felt tingly. My mind, always a little bit anxious when driving in LA, ratcheted up the worry ten-fold.

    I envisioned having a full-on heart attack while driving in rush hour traffic. I made a mental laundry list of the ensuing consequences, such as passing out and losing control of the car or what would happen to all of my debt if I died. Whose lives would be irrevocably changed for the worse?

    I managed to calm myself down enough to make it home, but once there my dutiful and pragmatic husband suggested a trip to the Emergency Room. I was in no shape to argue, and truthfully was grateful that he echoed my own escalating concern.

    During my visit to the ER and the subsequent overnight hospital stay, I had lots of opportunities to overreact and feel sorry for myself. I’m sure I did quite a bit of both. But I also saw it as an opportunity to remember and to practice some of the hard-won lessons I’ve learned over the years.

    1. The most important things in life are worth waiting for.

    It’s no surprise that the name for someone receiving medical care is the same as the word for tolerating delays without becoming annoyed or anxious.

    The ER was so busy the intake nurse joked that they must be running a special she didn’t know about. After taking my vitals and determining that I was not having a heart attack at that very moment, I was sent to the lobby where I waited for over five hours to be seen.

    I almost talked myself into leaving several times, convinced that if I really was experiencing something serious they would have seen me right away. But I have a family history of heart disease, and the pain wasn’t going away, so I opted to stay.

    It turns out that I (thankfully) don’t have a heart problem, but that was not for me to determine.

    In our modern age of instant gratification, exercising patience can be a real challenge, especially because we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want right away. But there’s a reason why people often say the most important things in life are worth waiting for—they are. Particularly when your well-being is at stake.

    2. A little kindness can go a long way.

    “Be nice to others and they will be nice to you” doesn’t always pan out, but when you’re in a busy hospital with doctors and nurses who are stretched to their limits and beyond, a little kindness goes a long way. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm when necessary, but remember the person you’re talking to is a human being.

    Be respectful. In most cases, you’ll find that respect is reciprocated. Everyone has feelings, and most people are doing the best they can with the tools and resources they have.

    3. What works for others may not work for you.

    If learned nothing else from this incident, it is that nitroglycerin is not my friend. Yes, nitro is a life-saving wonder drug that opens blood vessels so blood can continue to flow through damaged heart tissue. But if you are prone to migraine headaches as I am, taking a nitro tablet as a precaution is just plain awful.

    Nitroglycerin did nothing for my chest pain, but it did give me an instant, crushing headache that lingered for three days. If nitro is going to save my life, I will certainly take it. But if I’m taking it as a precaution, I will think twice in the future.

    There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Sometimes knowing what doesn’t work is just as important as knowing what does. It can literally save you a headache or two down the line.

    4. Happiness is being grateful for the small things.

    I was finally admitted to a room at 2AM, with a roommate restlessly snoring in the next bed.

    I felt dehydrated and a little nauseated from taking a cocktail of meds on an empty stomach. All I could think about was how much better I would feel if I could just eat a cracker, so I asked the nurse who brought me to my room if she could possibly bring me one.

    A few moments later she returned with not one, but eight crackers—and two cups of apple juice! I almost cried with relief and gratitude. I think I thanked her four times, which she seemed to appreciate.

    I also asked if she might have any earplugs, when I noticed a small box on the bedside table. It not only contained earplugs, but also a face mask, a book of crossword puzzles, a pencil, and—what felt like the best thing in the whole world—ChapStick! I actually squealed “OOO, CHAPSTICK!” out loud with delight.

    I gave a silent “thank you!” to the genius that thought to include ChapStick in that box while I slathered the stuff on my lips and downed the crackers and juice. I popped in the earplugs and fell asleep with lubricated lips and a stomach that was no longer doing gymnastics.

    It’s the small things, people. Finding joy in the seemingly insignificant moments and the small gifts is how to find happiness every day, even in the most trying circumstances. I think the choice to be happy is one of the most transformational decisions a person can ever make.

    5. Laughter is the best medicine.

    I did not sleep well that night. The earplugs didn’t really help to cancel out the various noises coming from my roommate, including the spa piano music she was playing to help her sleep.

    But as I lay there listening to her snore, she suddenly blurted out in a thick Polish accent, “Wrong chef!” She then mumbled something under her breath and continued the buzz saw serenade. I laughed out loud, wondering what she could possibly be dreaming about.

    Amusing things happen every day. Don’t get so caught up in the serious moments that you can’t have a laugh or two. Studies show laughter actually improves health, and will most certainly lighten your mood.

    6. We could all use a little compassion.

    While it could have been easy to be seriously annoyed by my roommate, I chose instead to practice compassion. Yes, she was an obstacle preventing me from getting rest. But she was also in the hospital because she wasn’t feeling well.

    Couldn’t we all use a little extra compassion from others when we aren’t feeling our best? Letting go of my irritation not only allowed her to continue doing whatever it was she felt she needed to do in order to feel better, it actually made me feel better.

    One night of poor sleep isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Being compassionate is.

    7. Now is the time to prepare.

    There really is no feeling worse than knowing you are woefully underprepared for serious circumstances.

    This isn’t to say you should be constantly worrying about the future, but having the courage to face the inevitable consequence of life (which is, of course, death), can mitigate much of that worry. I don’t want my loved ones to be left in the lurch with my passing.

    It’s finally time to admit that I’m a grown-up and I need to act like one, which means obtaining life insurance so my family doesn’t find themselves saddled with financial responsibility they aren’t prepared to handle when I’m gone.

    —

    Sometimes it takes big, scary moments to remind us that the quality of our lives is not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to those experiences.

    Why wait until you’re confronted with a serious situation to adopt one or more of these behaviors? Not only will it make your daily life richer and more meaningful, but it’ll also give you the tools you need to survive and thrive when life takes an unexpected turn.

    Strong, confident woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Only Condition for Happiness

    The Only Condition for Happiness

    Letting Go Gives Us Freedom

  • How to Stop Believing You’re Not Good Enough

    How to Stop Believing You’re Not Good Enough

    Insecure

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha

    Have you ever heard the phrase “your thoughts create your reality”? Have you ever wondered what this means?

    Go back to your childhood and recall a time when you got into trouble. I am sure you have at least one of these memories. This doesn’t have to be a major event. It can just be a time where you were scolded for knocking over your drink.

    Now remember your parents’ reaction. Were they angry or frustrated? Did they yell or give you an annoyed look? Did they send you to your room?

    How did it make you feel? Most likely you felt like you did something really bad or that you were bad.

    This feeling, multiplied by all your other similar experiences, created a belief within you. Through this belief you probably, without your knowledge, created a reality of being bad or not good enough.

    Now fast forward to the present and watch these memories from a new perspective. Have your friends join in. What are your thoughts now? What reactions do they have?

    Through different eyes, through different perspectives, we see and experience different realities.

    Here is a personal experience of mine. I was maybe six or seven, and my family and I were sitting around the kitchen table frosting cookies. This was an annual event at our house. We had all the colors of the rainbow of sugary, spreadable, delectable frosting.

    I was using the green frosting, spreading it oh so carefully on my cookie. When I was finished with the green I set the knife back into the frosting bowl. The knife, not secure in its vessel, tipped backward, sliding gracefully out of the bowl with a loud and splattering of green onto the linoleum floor.

    I don’t remember exactly what my mother said but I do remember her being upset, and I remember feeling like I really messed up and ruined things for my mother and the rest of my family. 

    This experience, along with other similar childhood situations, created a belief that if I did something wrong I would make someone angry or ruin a situation—essentially, I would be bad.

    So what did I do? Whatever I could to not elicit a reaction, including staying silent.

    Now we are going to fast-forward to the present. I can look back at this situation with new eyes. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t ruin the situation, and my mother wasn’t mad at me or even angry.

    The knife was too heavy and long for the shallow bowl, which caused it to tip. It was beyond my control.

    My mother’s reaction was one of frustration not because of green frosting on her easily moppable floor, but probably because she had a long day taking care of four kids and a house and was stuck in an unhappy marriage.

    Similar scenarios often happen to us as adults. I am a natural introvert. Walls are my friend.

    In a crowd of people I usually remain in the shadows, merely observing the happenings around me. In my observations I will notice groups of people maybe glancing in my direction while continuing to talk.

    My thoughts then go into super sensitive mode and create stories of being talked about. My thoughts go on an imaginative ride of insults and attacks, all on me, by those people across the way.

    Now I feel attacked. I am no longer having fun. I no longer want to be where I am.

    My thoughts created a false reality out of nothing. My thoughts had no basis in fact, yet they created a reality for me, true or not.

    Perspective can change the reality of any situation. Really, what is reality but an experience? And if everyone has a different experience from a different perspective, then doesn’t that mean there isn’t just one reality? That reality results from the arbitrary thoughts of many people?

    If we can acknowledge that each person’s thoughts and memories of a same experience are different, then can’t we admit that our thoughts of our experience are no more valid than the next person’s?

    If we have formed opinions about ourselves through the eyes of our thoughts and we have concluded that thoughts have no basis in truth, then aren’t our opinions of ourselves based solely on our thoughts, not truth?

    Is it possible to re-look at our thoughts and see them as just thoughts formed from different perspectives of memories?

    Are you willing to redefine your opinion that you’re not good enough with re-formed thoughts of being more than enough?

    Can you choose to see your thoughts as the controlling factor of your self-worth?

    If you can acknowledge that they are arbitrary thoughts, then the reality formed by said arbitrary thoughts are no more valid than a stranger’s thoughts about you.

    From here on out choose your thoughts wisely, because in some way they will be your reality.

    Insecure man image via Shutterstock

  • Always Hungry? How to Feel Full in Every Aspect of Your Life

    Always Hungry? How to Feel Full in Every Aspect of Your Life

    “The danger is not that the soul should doubt whether there is any bread, but that, by a lie, it should persuade itself that it is not hungry.” ~Simone Weil

    For most of my life, I was hungry all the time. My belly only ever felt full for a few precious seconds while eating the last few bites on my plate.

    One night after having dinner with friends, we stood outside the restaurant on the sidewalk, chatting and saying our goodbyes. I launched into an enthusiastic description of the next restaurant where we should eat, how fantastic their desserts were, what tasty little appetizers they served…

    “How can you talk about food right now?” my friend Pete laughed. “I’m stuffed full!”

    He held onto his stomach like it might burst open.

    “I don’t know,” I stammered. “I’m still kinda hungry, I guess.”

    Avoiding his glance, I stared down at the cracks in the sidewalk. In that moment I realized that even with all the yummy Ethiopian food we’d consumed over the last hour or so, some corner of my belly still wanted more. Even worse, I realized I could sit right down and eat the entire meal over again, from start to finish.

    Later at home, when the initial feeling of shame passed, a sense of amazement crept over me. Pete was genuinely full—in fact, he was surprised I wasn’t!

    He didn’t feel hungry all the time, especially not right after a meal. Did this mean that the bottomless hunger I felt wasn’t the human condition after all? Could I sit down at a meal and push away my plate, full and satisfied, without the wish that I could just repeat the whole experience of eating over again?

    I could, but only after I figured out that I wasn’t only hungry for food. I was hungry for enjoyment and satisfaction, and not just in my belly, but in my whole life.

    Somewhere as a kid, between dressing Barbie for her date with Ken and going on my first diet, I lost track of the idea that I was allowed to enjoy my body, my food, and just being alive. I decided that always feeling hungry and vaguely dissatisfied was part of growing up.

    But thanks to Pete, once I knew that everyone wasn’t always hungry, there was no going back. I had to learn the bigger lesson—that hunger isn’t simply about filling our bellies (though feeling physically contented matters), but about something deeper: a hunger for connection, enjoyment, and love.

    From my own experience of learning to feel full, body and heart, here are five ways to satisfy your inner hunger.

    1. Get to know your hungers.

    Make a list of what you are hungry for. Start with food, but then ask yourself, “What am I hungry for that isn’t food?” Make a list of all the things your mind, heart, and body crave.

    On my list you can find things like: Spend time outside. Do yoga. Share with friends. Listen to music.

    Give yourself the things that nourish you as often as possible. Then pause and notice when you feel full and satisfied after enjoying them. Look for even small moments when you feel full and let yourself take in that feeling of satisfaction.

    2. Give yourself permission to enjoy beauty in the world.

    Watch the colors shift with the sunrise, pause and take in how the evening sunlight illuminates the rose petals. Invite in art, photography, textures, water, whatever provides nourishing food for your eyes and heart.

    What do you find genuinely, satisfyingly beautiful? Make a point of offering yourself beauty and take it in as fully as possible. Breathe with it and let it fill you.

    3. Honor your need for connection.

    One of our most basic human hungers is for connection with each other. We sometimes feel shame about how much we need reassurance, love, and recognition from each other.

    What are you hungry for in your relationships? Notice if you are receiving enough sweetness, laughter, touch, and intimacy. Look for opportunities to consciously ask for and receive fulfillment of those needs.

    4. Feed yourself love.

    Without realizing it, many of us are starving for self-love. When we criticize and judge ourselves, we place ourselves outside the realm of worthiness. We say things to ourselves that if someone else said, we would remark on what a jerk they were and never speak to them again.

    Notice when you’re being hard on yourself, and then try the following practice. When my thoughts turn in the direction of, “What’s wrong with me? I’ll never get this right,” I place a hand over my heart and repeat to myself phrases of loving kindness: “May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be full of peace.”

    I find the repeated phrases help to reset my brain in the direction of friendliness toward myself instead of self-criticism and let me relax into self-soothing. Try it and see if you can use these simple phrases to shift your own negative default patterns.

    5. Let every meal be an opportunity to savor and enjoy your food.

    I’ve found fullness is as much about how I eat as what I eat.

    They say that we actually absorb more nutrients and feel more satisfied when we fully enjoy our meals. Try to sit down and savor at least one meal every day. Look at the variety of colors, smell the scents, taste all the flavors, and close your eyes and let yourself make sounds of satisfaction.

    Take in as much obvious and authentic pleasure as you can and see how it affects your satiety. Even pause for a moment before or while you eat and offer yourself this simple blessing: “May I feel full. May my body feel full. May all bodies everywhere feel full.”

    My wish for you is this: May you use these steps to help feel full in every aspect of your life.

  • Breaking Free from the Pain of Heartbreak

    Breaking Free from the Pain of Heartbreak

    Heartbreak

    “Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~Unknown

    Heartbreak. I have never felt anything as torturous.

    It’s been just over a year since my first real heartbreak, and finally, after more pain and tears than I can describe, I have started to move on.

    The loss of a love you believed to be true can leave you feeling shattered. No matter how independent you believed you were, and how many positive things everyone else believes about you, you may feel like the better half of everything you know has disappeared.

    This is what I felt. In the first few weeks after the breakup I could barely get out of bed. I would spend my time sobbing and convincing myself that the pain would never go away. How could it?

    How could I have been so wrong about something I believed in with every inch of my soul? How could I continue living after I had found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with—and lost him?

    I used to think of myself as a confident, outgoing person, but one single loss and I had not a shred of self-esteem left. And the thought of being around people and acting happy made me crawl back into bed and cry.

    It hasn’t been pretty. Breakups and any form of significant loss deprive us of the sanity and rationality we would previously have been proud of.

    Here are some things I had to learn about how to move past the abyss.

    The First Few Weeks After Loss

    Cry. Be sad. Feel the pain.

    The best advice I got at this time—the only advice that actually helped, in fact—was that breakups suck, and there’s nothing you can do but give the wound time to heal.

    At this point in time you are not expected to believe your best friend who is saying that everything is going to be okay, or your cousin who thinks it’s for the best. Eventually, these loving intentions will be priceless, but for now, just accept the pain.

    That Ray of Light & Hope When Your Heart Hurts Just a Little Less

    Eventually, the pain will start subsiding. You will realize that your puppy did something goofy and laugh, or that there is a particularly lovely flower in your garden, or that your morning coffee actually tastes good.

    Look out for these moments, as they will make you whole again over time.

    When you realize that you can actually feel something other than pain again, even if for just a few seconds, try to become more observant. Start looking out for the beauty around you. There is beauty.

    One of the positive sides of having your heart shattered into a million pieces is that as it comes together again, you can gain a new perspective on life.

    Take a minute to observe the beauty in the simplest things around you, which you may have previously taken for granted, and you’ll be surprised at how much you’ve been missing out on. I sure was.

    At this time your friends will start expecting you to get better and become the social bestie they miss. Don’t push yourself. It is okay to want to stay home and watch a movie instead of going out. You are the only one who knows what’s best for you.

    Starting to Move (Crawl) On

    At some point, something deep down inside of you will say it’s time to start moving on. Now it gets challenging! At this point, you should start to push yourself.

    Be honest, and once you know it’s time, go for it. You don’t need to spend the night out partying—start slowly. Accept an invitation for a meal or a coffee date with a friend. If possible, make your own way there so that you’ll know that you can leave if you feel uncomfortable.

    This step is crucial, but you won’t feel like doing it. My therapist (to whom I am forever grateful) practically had to supervise me as I made my first plans with a friend. It’s hard, but once you know it’s time, please push through.

    It’s okay to go to the bathroom and cry in between the starter and the main course, and again between the main course and desert if you need to. Eventually, you’ll only need one break. And with time, you’ll start enjoying yourself again—as long as you take the first painful steps!

    Months On—Should I Be Healed?

    For me, the healing process took quite a while. About nine months in, I moved to a different country. My life was practically turned upside down, and every day was a new adventure with amazing new people.

    I even met a guy who I had a short-lived, casual relationship with. Although there was nothing real involved, it was a huge pace forward considering that a few months earlier, the thought of being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach.

    In spite of all this, I couldn’t stop thinking of my ex. We talked almost every day, and he was still a huge part of my life. I realized I was holding myself back and that I would never truly move on if I kept talking to him, so I stopped.

    I still didn’t completely move on. Over the Christmas break I found out he was seeing someone else, and it felt like we were breaking up all over again. These feelings were amplified by the thought that I should have moved on by then. I was beating myself up for going back to that dark place, even though I thought I was healed.

    Finally Breaking Free

    Moving on from things that bring me down has become a much easier process, so within a couple of weeks I was feeling better. This time I also realized that I no longer had any interest in my ex.

    Finally, I was free from the rollercoaster that had ruled my life for the past year.

    If you’re at the stage when you feel you should have moved on by now, don’t make things worse for yourself by worrying about it. You will move on eventually. You can help yourself to get to that point but you can’t force it.

    I was at a party yesterday, and for the very first time since my ex, I met a guy I actually liked. That kind of liking that makes you feel like you’re in high school again.

    We smiled at each other across the room and blushed as we met. Nothing came of it, and I doubt I’ll ever see him again, but I’ve spent the day feeling grateful. I survived the darkest period of my life so far, and now my heart is smiling again!

    What are you going to do today to survive and flourish?

    Heartbreak image via Shutterstock

  • Choose to Be Kind When It’s Easier to Be Snarky

    Choose to Be Kind When It’s Easier to Be Snarky

    Finger Art Couple

    “Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.” ~Ben Franklin

    While I was pregnant, a friend told me to prioritize, in this order: self, marriage, kids.

    My priorities tend to be backward: kids above all else, maybe a date night once in a while, and self-care only when there’s an important meeting at work, so momma finally makes a point of grooming her eyebrows.

    So far, I appreciate the wisdom to try and shift priorities whenever I can. I feel mildly successful at putting marriage first, and it seems to be having rewards.

    My hubby and I tenderly call our survival plan “Kind Words and Old Fashioneds.”

    Making fancy cocktails isn’t a regular occurrence, and it usually looks more like a splash of bourbon or glass of wine only half drank before dragging ourselves exhaustedly to bed, after putting the baby to sleep.

    Parenting is tough on both of us, and methods of relaxation are essential by any means possible. But we try to make kind words a more regular occurrence.

    We came up with this simple phrase after I returned to work because I often got frustrated and lashed out at my husband over small things, and ended up feeling guilty.

    He could do nine out of ten things right, plus some bonus items I didn’t ask him to do (like paperwork—I detest filling out forms, and it turns out parenting comes with a lot of them), and I would fume about the one thing he didn’t get to.

    We can’t take out our stress on our children, our pets, our co-workers, or our in-laws; so oftentimes, the brunt of it falls on our partner.

    I would get agitated and do the dishes “for the umpteenth time this week” or be the “only person in this house” to fill the cat’s water bowl.

    In uttering snarky words, I may have vented some frustration in the middle of a long week, but I usually felt guilty after seeing my husband’s wounded look when my words got too unkind.

    One time, when I was apologizing, I realized I would rather be saying kind words out of appreciation for the amazing partner and wonderful father he has turned out to be. So, that turned into my New Year’s resolution: kill the snark and choose kind words whenever possible!

    It’s a tough thing to practice, but it embodies most of what I envision a healthy marriage to be.

    After years of attempting to play the piano, I know practice doesn’t make perfect, but perseverance and persistence sure do help.

    Seeing my husband smile makes me smile. Kind words make that happen more than mean ones. That can seem like an obvious statement, but the proof is in the pudding.

    We have to work on being the best versions of ourselves, and that can be tough when juggling so many competing priorities.

    We have to measure our work in inch pebbles rather than milestones, and that can seem less motivating.

    We have to practice the things most vital to our survival, and sometimes that means digging deep to find that last kernel of patience. We have to choose kindness over wrath, warmth over brusqueness, love over stress. That and Old Fashioneds seem to make for a happier marriage. At least, that’s what I’m learning as a new parent.

    In the midst of all this, I got my husband to paint our powder room. I chose lime green and he put it on the walls. It’s a little bit hideous, but I love it.

    A family member gave us a large canvas that covers a part of one of the walls, and it fits perfectly in this brightly colored little nook of our house. On it, gold sparkles spell out the words we sang at our wedding, “All you need is love.”

    Perhaps it’s a quaint notion, but it’s a great reminder to choose kindness.

    Finger art couple image via Shutterstock

  • Embrace Who You Are (Not What People Expect You to Be)

    Embrace Who You Are (Not What People Expect You to Be)

    Man with Arms Up in the Air

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

    Now that the fog of what everyone else wanted for me has lifted, it seems so clear to me that we need to be who we truly are—not what society expects us to be. But it wasn’t always this way.

    For decades, I bought into a model of success that belonged to someone else. I was studying for my MBA, but I didn’t want my friends to think I was weird, so I didn’t reveal that I was a yogi. I didn’t want them to not take me seriously, to laugh at the thought of me doing yoga while wearing a business suit.

    And I wouldn’t tell my yoga students that I liked heavy metal because I feared it would make me look less spiritual. When was the last time you heard the Dalai Lama talk about Ozzy Osbourne?

    I didn’t delve into the artistic sides of my spirit—the parts that painfully wanted to celebrate music, art, or poetry—because I was led to believe it was a distraction from my professional career. I was caught in a catch-22 where I couldn’t be one thing because I was another. Society would only accept me as one.

    Reality Doesn’t Bite

    In fact, I have seen the exact opposite. The more I practice finding, being, and expressing myself, the more prosperity I experience and the better I perform in business. Most importantly, I’m living the advice we give our kids: be yourself.

    By finding our true selves, we can express ourselves internally and to those around us, and that’s when we become aware of this symphony. Today, we often get trapped in the little “self,” or the pain body, as Eckhart Tolle calls it. It’s the false mask we put on to protect ourselves and fit in with others’ expectations.

    Connecting with our true selves is challenging—we often feel a great deal of pressure to meet societal demands of who we should be or what we should look like, often in direct conflict with authenticity. Yet we have the great potential to unveil our true selves and rock the universe.

    Break Past Societal Demands

    Societal demands know no bounds—they impact both men and women, but they affect them in different ways.

    I’ve found that, while self-expression is difficult for everyone, men often put up a different façade of who they think they need to be at work and home; then, they pretend that it’s not a façade. Women, on the other hand, are more aware of this façade.

    Women are also more reluctant to express all the facets of their personalities until they’re comfortable with a group. Men will often put up a façade and stay in it longer. Women need a sense of trust to open up, which takes time. In both cases, inauthenticity can lead to dysfunction, stress, disease, and distance from your highest potential.

    Uncover Your True Identify

    That’s not to say that you must express all facets of who you are at all times for all people. As humans, we must be authentic and true with the aspects of ourselves that we do express in each context. Letting only certain facets of the diamond in you shine in various settings is perfectly fine as long as it’s a facet of the true you—not a false mask.

    Here are some actions you can take to tap into spirit by tapping into your authentic self:

     1. Do yoga.

    I strongly recommend Kundalini Yoga, which works at all levels—physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. It gets you out of your head and helps you uncover your unique vibrations without letting your brain or fear take over.

     2. Sit in silence for a few minutes.

    I do this every day. Sit in the space of your greatness and spirit. Do nothing, chant nothing, and don’t worry about how you sit; just be. Sounds easy, right? Try it. It’s one of the hardest things for many people to do, yet it’s the most powerful way to get connected to your true source.

     3. Self-reflect.

    When you think, “I can’t be that way” or “What will they think?” ask yourself where this voice is coming from. Is it fear, the need to be liked, or a need to fit in? Then, adjust your strategy and take a few risks. Find a way to be authentically present and engaged, and let that part of you speak, act, or even stay silent.

     4. Put pen to paper.

    Ask yourself for details of who you are, and write them down. Ask yourself, “Am I authentic in my expression and experience of each of these roles? What is one thing I can do to move closer to my authentic expression in each facet of who I am—my words, my appearance, and my actions?” If you journal first thing in the morning, it propels you to another whole level of self-realization.

    5. Tune out the negativity.

    When you’re watching TV or reading a magazine or a website and you hear the message “you’re not good enough as you are,” turn it off or simply say, “I reject that.” You’re a powerful and divine expression of spirit back to spirit—perfect and complete. The more authentic you are, the more you will know and experience this.

     6. Take action.

    Take one action that’s a true expression of your unique self or your unique note in the symphony of the universe. Just speak or act authentically in a small way when you’re tempted to stay quiet or pretend you’re something else, and see how it feels. Keenly observe how you feel afterward. Are you breathing deeper? Smiling more? Feeling less tense?

    You have the potential to shape a new reality as you discover your true self. You must tune in to the incredibly unique and beautiful kaleidoscope of who you are and let it shine. Experiment a bit, especially around your closest friends and family.

    Embrace your authentic self, and in enacting this positive change, you’ll enact a powerful change in the world around you.

    Man with hands in air image via Shutterstock