Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • When You’re Busy Looking for Happiness in the Future

    When You’re Busy Looking for Happiness in the Future

    Man Looking Through Binoculars

    “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop. Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being.” ~Rumi

    It seems like there is so much busyness in the world today. When was the last time you stopped to focus on your breath and to truly settle into the moment?

    When we’re busy, we don’t always prioritize these precious moments of full presence with our own aliveness.

    Being busy can become like an addiction, an urge that drives us compulsively. But what are we really looking for in all those things that keep us busy?

    A friend recently told me she’s been busy for four years renovating her house. Now that it’s almost done, she doesn’t feel what she thought she’d feel. “It’s just a house, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like a home.”

    I’ve found that the circumstances we think we want aren’t always what we truly want; we want the feeling we perceive it will give us. We believe changing our lives is going to give us a sense of completion or happiness.  

    For many years, I had a vision of what my perfect life would look like—as if that picture of happiness was a destination.

    I spent my life chasing a sense of freedom. I stayed unhappily busy in a career that promised financial security so I could eventually do all the things I loved in the future.

    I was busy assembling an idea of happiness, but every time I got something I thought I wanted, I felt unsatisfied.

    When I established my career, I then looked for “the one” romantic relationship. When I got that, I felt happy, but I always felt I needed more to complete my perfect picture.

    I once heard it said that there is nothing wrong with ego, it’s just looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for freedom and completion in my circumstances.

    When you’re looking for love in your circumstances rather than in who you are inside, right now, in the present, you experience your life like a shell. Just like a house, it’s empty on the inside.

    You might have experienced it for yourself when you worked hard toward a goal but it didn’t give you that feeling of completion or satisfaction when you achieved it—and if it did, it was temporary.

    As soon as I realized I was chasing happiness in the future, I stopped. I radically started living for the now. I followed my heart into a new business, out of old relationships, and into new adventures moment to moment.

    Every time I acted on my heart, I felt an immediate sense of love that was different from what I felt when I made choices for love in the future.  

    Searching for completion in your circumstances is, in a way, looking for your sense of self in them.

    There have been times when I’ve gotten lost by misidentifying what I do with who I am.

    If you derive your sense of self or boost your idea of happiness through your life circumstances—your job, your financial security, or your relationships—it’s going to be painful when those things change form.

    The key is to stop making any of your circumstances mean something about who you are.

    When you find your sense of self in the wholeness of truly living for the now, you free yourself to occupy any life shell. Your contentment comes from who you are, which has nothing to do with what you do, what you have, or what you’ve accomplished.

    You can accomplish great things in this life. But when you know yourself at the depth of your being first, you don’t pursue goals to complete yourself; you pursue them to express yourself in the world, because you feel a love for expression as an extension of your love of life.  

    There is nothing wrong with being busy, but it can distract you from the love that’s already present in who you are at a level of being.

    It’s in moments of silence when I’ve laid down the chase for change that peace has found me, where I have wanted for nothing except just being alive. Happiness happens when you stop looking for it.

    So what are we all really looking for? I believe we are looking for ourselves in our hearts, the one we already are and always have been. I believe we are looking for a state of being—love, that feeling of happiness for no reason.

    Here is how we can find it:

    1. Slow down.

    Pause. Recognize why you’re busy and see if you can do less. Embrace the discomfort that comes from stopping and notice what you are avoiding by being busy. Be willing to sit in that discomfort.

    2. Stop focusing on externals.

    Stop pursuing goals with the idea that you’ll be happy when you achieve them, and put that energy into connecting with your heart. This will relieve the need to fix, improve, or change things out of fear.

    3. Know what matters to you.

    Ask yourself what’s truly important for you in your life. If you were going to die in one year, what would you do in your remaining time?

    4. Do what makes you come alive.

    Find the things that move you in your soul and create those experiences that touch your heart. It’s one step at a time, moment by moment.

    Be willing to turn your life upside down if you need to—get radical—and find support from those who also live by the movements of their heart.

    Man looking through binoculars image via Shutterstock

  • We Are All the Same, So There’s No Reason to Hide

    We Are All the Same, So There’s No Reason to Hide

    Woman in a Mask

    “One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.” ~Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés

    It’s taken a long time for me to be comfortable with being completely myself.

    Most people who meet me now see a strong and confident woman. Yet, underneath that confidence there is still a little girl in me that is scared. I’ve accepted that she is always going to be a part of me; however, I have learned to take responsibility for her care instead of giving that to other people.

    When I meet new people, I suspect either they are relieved to talk to someone who is transparent and real, or they are uncomfortable with my directness.

    I imagine it’s not always a matter of instant like or dislike on their end, but sometimes it feels that way to me. Either way, I’ve had to learn to not let others’ reactions influence how I show up in the world.

    I spent a good part of my life as a chameleon, changing myself to try to fit in and be accepted.

    Being the youngest of four in my family meant I was left out, teased, picked on, and blamed by my older siblings. As a result, I turned out to be a geeky kid in junior high and high school, lacking any confidence or sense of self-worth.

    I walked with a funny lurch, had a bit of a speech impediment, and tried so hard to be liked that I achieved the opposite. In high school the kids all called me a dog and barked when I walked down the hall. I was the brunt of the jokes for every classroom clown.

    The late 1970’s in the heart of Southeast Texas was not a good time or place for a pre-teen to question her sexual orientation. My science teacher, who had become a friend, no longer wanted me in her class when she suspected I had a crush on her.

    The vice-principal of the school said I was sicker than I thought I was and needed professional help.

    My chemistry teacher told the group of popular girls if they didn’t stop talking he was going to make Shannon sit with them.

    We all know kids are cruel, but in Bryan-College Station, meanness wasn’t limited to by age.

    I’d make out with boys in the hallways or back of the school bus trying to prove I wasn’t gay. I started seeing a psychologist. I put up with the cruelty of my teachers and students because there was nowhere to escape.

    If people look closely they can still see glimpses of the young girl who kept her head down and slumped her shoulders trying not to be seen. She is still with me today. Defeated without any outs, however, she had only one choice if she wanted to live. And that was to stand up for herself.

    Because it’s difficult for me to do this, I can sometimes come across kind of loud, directive, or bossy. Early on I learned to put on a good show and convinced myself that self-confidence is the key to success. Years of trying so hard not to care whether people liked me eventually integrated into a strong persona.

    Underneath it, however, still lived that little girl in me desperate for love and approval. For most my life she’s been in control. Like a puppet master, she’s pulled the strings behind my mask, seeking out someone or something to be her salvation. She was great at staying well hidden but in control.

    All she ever wanted was an end to her suffering. All her searching and orchestrating was always been about finding a way to stop the pain. She didn’t know the strings she pulled were putting me right back into the frying pan. How could she know that by latching onto other people she’d end up more hurt?

    It took a lot of personal development, self-help, spiritual woo woo reading, seminars, retreats, workshops, relationships, therapists, self-analysis, journaling, crying, screaming, pleading, praying, rationalizing, and running for me to finally understand: Latching onto anything will only bring more suffering.

    When we keep parts of ourselves locked away and behind a mask, we only give them more power and control.

    Finding my authentic voice has meant holding myself with compassion and learning to accept all of who I am.

    Letting go of my need to be perfect and my self-judgment isn’t something I’ve been able to do once and be done with. It’s something I have to do over and over again.

    I can let down my mask and be real because I believe at our core we are all the same.

    I believe we all want love and approval. I also believe that it is only by giving that to ourselves that we can give it to each other.

    Woman hiding behind mask image via Shutterstock

  • Broken Hearts Can Lead to Awakened Souls

    Broken Hearts Can Lead to Awakened Souls

    “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~Cynthia Occelli

    There are no two ways about it.

    Heartbreak squeezes you as though you were an orange, crushes you as though it were a tractor, and cuts sharply as a razor blade.

    Breaking up with my former wife was the most crushing event in my life. It made me see myself as a failure, hide in embarrassment, and cry myself to sleep for months.

    There are so many things I’d rather do than experience a broken heart again—like, oh, I don’t know, take a safari through the Serengeti alone and have hungry lions eat me alive, or take a plunge into the shark tank at Sea World and discover just how friendly those creatures really are.

    When you’re in a long-term relationship, or married to that person for years, heartbreak can be life breaking. The world you know ends.

    Through heartbreak, you come to see yourself as rejected, dejected, failed, and damaged.

    You question the meaning of life and, if bruised badly enough, even wonder why you’re alive.

    Would it seem too nuts for me to say that the pain of heartbreak led me to believe that being buried alive would have been more peaceful? Settling into a coffin would have been more pleasurable than facing the world every day?

    These were the thoughts that occupied my mind for a couple years of my life.

    I’m glad to say I survived this experience and didn’t do any of these drastic things.

    I survived the end of a love gone wrong. I survived the shattered pieces of a broken heart that scattered around me. I survived the accompanying disillusionment, sadness, sorrow, and pain.

    I lived to tell about it.

    What life lessons can I give you other than the simple message that you can do it too?

    Simply this: Your heart might be broken and closed, but this experience can lead to a soul awakening; through it, you can form a deeper connection with your highest self and find a greater sense of peace and clarity. Here’s how.

    1. Assess the damage.

    At some point, you’ll have to go from being the person who is broken and lost to being an observer surveying the wreckage.

    What do you miss about that person? What did you lose? What shared dreams have vanished from your life?

    When the pain has stopped or when you decide that you can’t keep living with a heavy heart, you’ll have to see where you are so that you can rebuild your life from the ground up.

    Acknowledge the loss. See where you are emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.

    It doesn’t matter how bad of a place you’re in. Stopping to look around you, to reflect and acknowledge where your heartbreak has brought you, is a start.

    2. Let love flood in.

    Your love for someone has shattered to pieces. Every edge of your heart cuts; every corner twinges with pain and nothing seems to fit back together.

    While you may see that your heart is shattered, know that now there is space for light to enter.

    Where is the light?

    The light is the love already within you.

    The light is subdued and hidden. It seems distant. You had completely forgotten about it.

    The good news is that you can access the light again by cultivating your love of yourself.

    Wherever you see emptiness, let the light come in. Imagine sunlight filling the void.

    When you notice craters of loneliness, let the light in. Imagine love filling the void.

    When you see ice blocks of pain, let the light’s heat melt them. Imagine love melting the void.

    What we’re talking about here is love that’s already within you—unleashing, releasing, and recapturing it. We’re not talking about love for anyone or anything else.

    I’m asking you to tap into the love already there.

    Cultivating this love requires that you mend your heart.

    It requires that you slow down and take care of yourself. It requires long walks, meditation, and room to breathe.

    It requires healthier eating, rekindled friendships, and self-care.

    Learn that you are enough as you are. No one can fulfill you or complete you as much as you can fulfill and complete yourself.

    3. Let your ego wash away.

    Your bruised ego desires plenty of attention and wants to be deeply embraced. It wants to grab a hold of your life and turn you into a victim. Our egos don’t like to feel ashamed, vulnerable, or lonely.

    Becoming aware of the ego helps release its strong grip on your life.

    Gently notice the ego’s hunger and its to desire to encompass your life. Watch it become enraged, hurt, bitter, and vengeful.

    Examine if your love for your ex was based on true love, or a need to feel complete, a need for companionship, or a desire to feel good about yourself.

    Were you in your past relationship to fulfill your ego’s needs, or your heart’s desires?

    One is selfish and centered on you; the other is generous and centered on giving.

    The point is not to be hard on yourself; it’s to be honest with yourself so you can show yourself compassion.

    The ego comes from a place of lack and not having had enough love.

    You can water the ego with the love it desires. Treating yourself better, being mindful of your thoughts, and being kinder with the words you use toward yourself will help release the role of the ego in your life.

    4. Sit with your soul.

    I never connected with my soul during the course of my relationship.

    I was too busy nit-picking, disagreeing, and getting even with my ex. I was caught up in games, ego, and anger.

    I never tapped into my soul to guide the way.

    If I had, I would have come from a place of love for her and for myself. I would have showed up every day with compassion and understanding.

    The soul is an internal all-knowing sacred space that holds your highest truth, your most divine self, and an abundance of love.

    This space is your true nature, your essence, your clarity.

    Walks in nature, a meditative silence, a silent cathedral, a closed-eye prayer—all allow the senses to quiet themselves so that you can tap into your soul.

    Connect with this quiet, wise, all-knowing, expansive, light-filled space daily.

    Go forward in the world from this space of love and clarity. Learn to listen, love, and live from this sacred space.

    5. Let your soul guide you.

    Live your life from the source of internal power that comes from the soul.

    Listen to the strong command of your soul’s voice—your intuitive feelings and the wise internal whispers that come from a place of love and quiet strength.

    Hear the ego’s voice arise and acknowledge it. Thank the ego for looking out for you, then release it from its duties.

    Pledge to live your life from this soul-centered state of peace, awareness, and compassion.

    Embrace your soul. Feel it. Listen to it. Let it guide you.

    It’s time to gently sweep the broken pieces of your heart aside.

    Bow to your broken heart in gratitude, for if it hadn’t shattered so loudly and violently, you would never started on this path to your soul awakening.

  • A Powerful Way to Motivate Yourself to Pursue What You Want

    A Powerful Way to Motivate Yourself to Pursue What You Want

    Chances We Didn't Take

    “See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

    Until fairly recently, I was somewhat afraid of talking to girls.

    Well, that’s not exactly true. I was afraid of talking to girls if I had a romantic intent. If it was an innocuous conversation, I could be cool as a cucumber.

    As you can imagine, this stifled my romantic life somewhat. If I met someone and things were going well, once I realized that she liked me a little and I could move things forward, I would freeze up. Self-sabotage.

    This was very frustrating to me, and I know that I’m not the only one who has experienced this phenomenon. In some ways, it looks kind of like a classic case of “fear of success.” But in reality, it was more subtle than that. Consider the following situations:

    Scenario #1: Imagine that you see someone who you are attracted to walking down the street. You’d like to go strike up a conversation with this person, but you feel some anxiety. What if they don’t like you? How embarrassing it could be! Your mind fills with all kinds of negative thoughts.

    Scenario #2: Now imagine someone on their bike loses control and is barreling down the sidewalk toward them, but the object of your attention doesn’t notice. How much would you hesitate before yelling at them to move out of the way, or even to grab them and help move them out of harm’s way? I’ll bet you didn’t have to think twice.

    In each of these situations, the action that you want to take is to talk to someone who you are attracted to. But the intent behind each is incredibly different.

    I realized that when I wanted to talk to a girl in a romantic context, the intention behind my action centered on my wanting something from the girl. There was no malice or anything—it’s just that I felt as though I needed to “get” their romantic interest. It’s something I was “taking” from them.

    In hindsight, this was such a silly thing to believe! I must have felt that somehow I wasn’t good enough, that she wasn’t going to receive some benefit from talking to me. She would be doing me a favor by giving me attention, and I was somehow imposing a burden upon her.

    You can imagine how this intention might make me feel bad about going after what I want.

    But that need not be the intent that I go into the interaction with. I’m a pretty cool guy and I have a lot to offer. Instead of my intention being “I want to get her to like me,” why not “I want to make her smile,” or “I want to share my positivity with her”?

    When I started going into my interactions with women with a positive intent, the difference was extraordinary.

    I used to be far more hesitant, but why would I hesitate to share my positivity with someone? Most people are very welcome to having positive experiences, so why would I be nervous?

    That is the power of having a positive intent. But while dating may be one of the most obvious and easy to relate examples, this principle can be extended to many other areas of your life.

    It’s far easier to motivate yourself to take any action when you know you are doing so with a positive intent. And when you do take that action, you are more likely to be successful with it.

    Let’s say you are considering applying for a job that you think you’d love, but it might be a stretch to get it.

    You might be thinking something along the lines of “I want this job because I know I’ll get paid a lot and have a good time doing it. But they are asking for five-plus years of experience and I only have three, so maybe I shouldn’t bother…”

    It’s a very understandable intent (who doesn’t like getting paid and enjoying their work?), but it leads to a thought process that isn’t conducive to your success. You can see how much less likely it is that you’ll even apply for this job in the first place. And if you do apply, do you really think your best self will shine through?

    Far better would be to have a different intent: “I want this job so that I can make a positive contribution to an organization that I believe in.”

    Even if you don’t have all the experience that the job listing is asking for, you still want to contribute to this organization, so why wouldn’t you apply? And if you get an interview, you are far more likely to focus on how you can help the organization, and that will improve your chances of getting an offer.

    The next time you are feeling unmotivated or are anxious about doing something, examine your intentions.

    Getting yourself to actually pursue what you want could be as simple as reframing your intent.

    Regret quote image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Help You Choose When You Have a Lot of Passions

    4 Tips to Help You Choose When You Have a Lot of Passions

    Choices

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    When I first quit my office job in 2012, I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. My idea bank was at zero.

    But for a full year after leaving my job, I committed myself to exploring and doing the things I’d always been too scared to do.

    I took acting classes, traveled, volunteered on farms, started a blog, learned about a more sustainable lifestyle, and was initiated into Reiki.

    After a while I realized my problem had spun a complete 360. My idea bank was full to the brim and now, far from being frustrated at my lack of ideas for the future, I was confused and overwhelmed at the number of choices I had.

    I had countless ideas for what I could do with my life, and I didn’t know where to put my focus.

    Did I want to pursue Reiki and help others in the way it had helped me?

    Did I want to become a coach?

    Did I want to save the planet by devoting myself to environmental causes?

    Did I want to move to a farm, live in a community, and grow veggies?

    Did I want to start walking holidays in the Lake District?

    Did I want to become a private French tutor?

    Did I want to pursue acting?

    Did I want to open a coffee shop? A Vietnamese coffee shop, to be precise…

    Looking back, I see that much of my confusion could have been eliminated early on if I’d have known some of the things I know today. It’s such an incredibly frustrating place to be, being passionate about so many things and not knowing which to choose. It often results in choosing nothing.

    Today, I’d love to share with you some ideas and exercises that helped me sift through the confusion of all the things I was passionate about and to find a way forward.

    1. Begin with the end in mind.

    In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey advises that we “begin with the end in mind.”

    The idea of beginning with the end in mind means knowing your destination in advance so that you can more easily make the choices and take the steps necessary to get you there. When you begin with the end in mind, your daily actions are aligned with your bigger vision.

    Beginning with the end in mind, at its deepest level, literally means looking at the end of your life.

    What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone? What would you like to have changed in the world? I absolutely recommend reading Covey’s book and working through this in detail.

    But right now, for today, let’s take beginning with the end in mind at a level that will help you gain some clarity on which of your passions to pursue.

    Really think hard and in detail about the life and lifestyle you want to create for yourself.

    Where do you want to live? Do you want to be location independent? Do you want to sit at a desk or be outside most of the time? Do you want to spend most of your time with people, or alone? What time do you want to get up? Go to bed?

    For example, I was clear that I wanted 100% location independence, and so creating a local Reiki practice would have made no sense.

    I wanted complete control over my schedule, so opening a Vietnamese coffee shop and having set opening and closing times would have been far from ideal.

    If you don’t begin with the end in mind, you can end up creating a life that you don’t really want.

    2. Know your values.

    When I first left my job, I really had no idea what it meant to “know your values.” But over the last couple of years I’ve seen how essential knowing your core values is in creating a life you love.

    When it comes to choosing one passion among many, just like beginning with the end in mind, knowing your values will really help you gain some clarity.

    As an example, one of my most important values is freedom. I want to have freedom of location, freedom of time, and financial freedom.

    Knowing my most important values allows me to constantly make decisions in alignment with the life I want to create and that are ultimately going to make me happier.

    If I value freedom above all else, there’s no way I’m going to tie myself down to a coffee shop.

    If you’ve never thought about your real values, now is a great time to start. Here are a couple of questions to get you started. If you can find a friend, coach, or mentor to ask you these questions, that can also be really helpful.

    Think of a single moment in time you remember being especially rewarding or poignant. 

    What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on? What were the values that were being honored in that moment?

    Maybe you recently took a trip and remember feeling blissfully happy while looking out at a beautiful sunset. In this case, perhaps you value nature, peace, or serenity.

    Repeat this exercise with several other moments that you can remember and draw out as many value words as you can. If you’re struggling to find the words, I recommend checking out this article.

    Think of a single moment in time you felt angry, upset, or frustrated.

    What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on?

    This exercise will often lead you to suppressed or unmet values.

    For example, if I think back to my old job, I remember being really annoyed at having to figure out my holiday dates around thirty other people in the office. Why couldn’t I just go when it was best for me, when I wanted to go on holiday? My value of freedom was being totally crushed here, and it really made me angry.

    Get the idea? Go ahead and give it a try.

    3. Understand that you can still be passionate about something, even if you’re not getting paid for it.

    One of my biggest stumbling blocks and frustrations over the last couple of years has been the misguided belief that I must turn all my passions into a business.

    I had an irrational fear that by picking one, the others would disappear from my life forever.

    But that’s simply not true. Your passions can still be your passions even if you don’t get paid for them.

    I still practice Reiki on myself and others, and that’s enough for me. I don’t need or want to turn it into my business.

    I can go grab or make a cup of Vietnamese coffee whenever I like. There’s really no need for me to open a coffee shop, especially when it’s not in alignment with the ultimate life I want to create.

    I grow veggies on my home balcony, and that fulfills my passion for being connected to the earth and wholesome, healthy food.

    The thought of letting go of turning some of your passions into your future work can feel really painful. It’s so important to understand that you can still have them in your life even if you pick another of your passions to pursue professionally.

    4. Trust that things will fall in to place.

    Finally, at the end of the day, you’ve just got to have a little faith and trust in the whole process. Sometimes things can seem as clear as mud. And that’s okay. Your only job is to keep taking small steps each day. The path will unfold and become clearer as you go. Enjoy the journey.

    Choices image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Steps To Embrace Your Beauty and Smile More Every Day

    3 Steps To Embrace Your Beauty and Smile More Every Day

    Smiling Woman

    “Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Is there anything more beautiful than a person smiling, or better yet, laughing? I don’t think so. It’s almost contagious.

    You’ve likely seen the YouTube videos of babies laughing and couldn’t help but smile.

    And there’s probably a special person in your life that only needs to smile and you feel your heart lift. Maybe it doesn’t even need to be someone you know. I’ve had this happen to me with a complete stranger.

    When you see someone smiling from ear to ear, filled with joy, you can’t help but smile too. Am I right?

    I live in a walk-able city, so I walk a lot. Sometimes I catch myself trying not to smile or laugh as I walk down the street remembering something funny. But then I’m reminded of this quote.

    Why would I ever want to stifle my happiness and joy? Why would I ever want to hide my happiness?

    One Sunday afternoon I was rollerblading along the beach path, feeling the sunshine on my face, listening to my favorite Spotify playlist, feeling good and smiling for these reasons, when a guy on a bike coming at me from the opposite direction reached out and high-fived me.

    Seriously, how fun is that?

    When my boyfriend calls me on my cell phone, I have it programmed so this silly, grinning picture of him pops up on my screen. It makes me smile every time I see it (which also makes it really tough to stay mad at him on the rare occasion that I am, because who can stay mad when they are smiling?).

    Smiles breed more smiles.

    Life is just better when you approach it with a smile. Plus, you really don’t know how much you can brighten someone else’s day with something so simple.

    We tend to be so serious all of the time. We chart our course based on our to-do lists and we spend so much time worrying about the past or the future.

    We set standards that we believe we need to measure up to in order to be beautiful, successful, important—and the bottom line of it all—to feel good enough.

    When really, all any of us want is to feel like we matter. So, what if it’s not really about measuring up to any arbitrary yardstick?

    What if the secret to feeling like we matter is as simple as looking for reasons to smile no matter what?

    Your smile has the power to transform someone’s day, light up the room, change the vibe, and open you up to opportunities, love, connection, and the present moment.

    Your smile can redirect your entire day toward possibility, fun, adventure, and being carefree.

    I think smiling is the key to letting go and embracing how beautiful we (and life) are right now.

    Here are three steps to embrace your beauty and smile more every single day.

    1. Begin and end with you.

    Most people open their eyes in the morning, roll out of bed, and just start banging away at all the stuff that needs to get done until they eventually climb back into bed exhausted, close their eyes, and then get up the next day to do it all over again.

    Let’s not do this.

    It sounds hokey, but what if you started your day with a smile… at yourself? Yes. Look at yourself in the mirror—into your own eyes—and smile.

    Your smile has superpowers. So why not give that gift to yourself first thing when you start your day and right before you go to bed? It’s like setting an intention, only with action instead of words.

    For the next week, give it a try. Look into the mirror, into your own eyes, and smile. Feel the love and the worthiness wash over you.

    You are good enough. You are smart, beautiful, radiant, stunning, and your smile is a gift to anyone that gets the opportunity to witness it.

    2. Beauty has nothing to do with perfection.

    Especially here in the U.S., we have this very skewed perception of what beauty looks like. Thank goodness that is changing and we are beginning to understand that not one person on this planet is perfect. In fact, our flaws and imperfections are what make us special. They are endearing.

    I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m imperfect. My nose is crooked, I have stretch marks, and I will spare you the rest of the boring details that you will probably say, “whoop-di-do” about because to you, they don’t seem like that big of a deal.

    Let me tell you, for a long time, they were a big deal to me. My point is this: we all think our problems and imperfections are so noticeable or huge, when in reality, they really aren’t to anyone else but ourselves.

    We are our own worst critics. People love you—all of you—including your imperfections.

    3. Embrace what is while being eager for more.

    That being said, it’s okay to want what you want. You want to lose twenty pounds, cut your hair, improve your wardrobe, make more money, buy a bigger house, or find the love of your life?

    Go for it!!

    It’s human nature to have desires, to want to expand and experience more.

    But here’s the catch: do it from a place of inspiration and excitement, not from a place of fear or lack.

    Life is not suddenly going to be puppy dogs and sunshine when you “get there.”

    Look for every opportunity to smile and fall in love with life right now, while you are on your way to any goal that you have set for yourself, and I promise, life will be so much more fun and rewarding. Chasing after something in order to fill a void never pans out.

    Being happy with what is, looking for things to appreciate, seeing the silver lining right here and now, smiling and laughing every day as much as you can, and being eager for more at the same time is the name of the “true happiness and fulfillment” game.

    There are not many situations in life where a smile wouldn’t make things better. So look for reasons to smile.

    Let your light shine. Smile at your loved ones, coworkers, friends, neighbors, and strangers on the street. Smiling breeds smiling, which brings more joy, and who doesn’t want more of that?

    Give it a try and see how much lighter and happier you feel. Your smile is a beautiful gift. Share it.

    Which of these steps are you most excited to practice first?

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Path to Freedom: Facing Painful Thoughts and Feelings

    The Path to Freedom: Facing Painful Thoughts and Feelings

    Sad Man

    “Life is an endless process of self-discovery.” ~James Gardner

    My thoughts lately have been so hurtful.

    Things like: I’m not a good writer. I’m ugly. I’m stupid.

    I’m not funny. I can’t carry a meaningful conversation. I’ll never be special.

    The world is out to get me. People take advantage of me. I’m boring and don’t matter.

    Like I said, hurtful. Crippling, demoralizing thoughts. One not-so-nice thing after another, and it makes me want to cry.

    Why the pain? Why the negative thoughts? Well, recently I spent two weeks playing a video game.   From the time I walked through the door at work till the time I left to go home at the end of the day I played.

    It was my escape. Finally, just recently, I put the game away. I took the toy away from the little boy.

    What I’m left with is that which I try to escape from—my negative thoughts and feelings.

    Whether it’s through video games, women, Instagram, Facebook, or food, to name a few distractions, I’ll use just about anything to check out from me. To not be present with my feelings of low self-worth and low self-esteem.

    That’s what I did with the video game for two weeks. I opted to numb out rather than sit with my thoughts and feelings and the struggles I’ve been facing with writing my first book. The video game was easier than dealing with the pain.

    Funny thing is, the pain from two straight weeks of video games and the inability to put them down became much worse than the pain of sitting still with my thoughts and feelings.

    Each day my eyes would hurt and my contacts would blur so much I couldn’t focus. Each day every muscle in my body would tense up as I followed around a little man on a dirt bike racing around on a tiny computer screen.

    No wonder I’ve had a stiff neck the past few days. No wonder my head feels like it’s in a vice. I’ve been hurting myself.

    We do that, don’t we? Run from our thoughts and feelings, that is. We run from anger, pain, shame, guilt, and fear.

    We run from thoughts that tell us horrible things. Things like we wont amount to anything, that we are not likable, not lovable, and don’t matter. We run and actually think that we’re helping ourselves.

    News flash: Running, checking out, numbing yourself, or whatever you want to call it isn’t helping. It’s hurting. It’s taking you away from the gift of being fully present with yourself. Yes, I just called it a gift. So then why run?

    For me it’s because I was never taught how to like and love myself. I was never taught how to deal with my emotions nor a head full of negative thoughts. Self-esteem? I had none.

    See, my mother died when I was three-and-a-half years old, and I grew up alone with my rageaholic father. Through him, I learned to believe that everything was my fault, that the world was out to get me, and that I didn’t matter. No wonder I want to escape.

    Feel feelings of low self-worth? No, thank you. I think I’ll check out with a video game.

    Don’t know how to esteem myself? Let’s find a woman. She can esteem me and solve all my problems.

    Yet in the end, don’t we always come right back to where we started? Doesn’t checking out from ourselves and our feelings only offer a temporary solution? It sure did, and still does, for me.

    For years I thought a woman was the answer to all my problems. A woman to complete me and make me whole. Yeah, not so much.

    My problems were right there waiting for me when it didn’t work out with the girl. Hi, ugly! So, I’d try again with a different girl thinking I’d get a different result. Nope. Same result. My pain and low-self worth were still right there waiting for me.

    I repeated this pattern for the better part of my adult life, until one day I realized that it wasn’t about finding something or someone to make me feel better about myself; it was about me. I realized that it was about me and my inability to esteem myself. My inability to like and love myself.

    So I did something I had never done before, ever: I turned inward and chose the path labeled self-discovery rather than continue down the one labeled self-pain. Most of us have or we wouldn’t be here on this beautiful site. Be proud of that; love yourself for that.

    Turning inward for me looks like learning how to love the side of myself that’s in so much pain.

    It looks like putting down the video game, wrapping my arms around that side of myself, and remembering that I’m okay and that I always have been. It also looks like me getting honest and sharing what I’ve shared with you here today.

    The path to freedom is learning to sit still with my thoughts and feelings, not a video game. In return, I get better at esteeming myself and recognizing the true authentic me, the beautiful man that I was born to be.

    San man image via Shutterstock

  • Remember This Before Judging Someone Who Annoys You

    Remember This Before Judging Someone Who Annoys You

    Judgment

    “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” ~Stephen Covey

    It happened again! A different place, a different person. But again, I was outraged! How could I let it go this time?

    I was driving home from work, excited about the weekend. As I looked in the rear-view mirror, a bulky four-wheel drive gradually came closer. Next minute, it was right behind me. Another tailgater!

    I sped up to shake it off. It stayed with me. I tapped the brake to tell the driver to back off. He came closer!

    I was beginning to fume. As I was considering my next move, the car turned off. It was gone. I was left angry, fuming, and worked up.

    This happened quite often. But would I ever learn to let it go?

    Have you learned to let it go?

    Many of us are doing our best to learn to be a better person—be kinder, more accepting, and more mindful, for instance. But when it comes to being less judgmental, it seems that we have a knee-jerk reaction that takes place on its own accord.

    It’s true that a certain part of it is due to conditioning and triggers. But if we begin to understand exactly why we judge, we can make space for acceptance and peace with others.

    When we are annoyed or upset with someone, it can be explained by the fundamental attribution error. Attribution is when we try to understand the causes of behavior. The problem is that we make errors when we try to make sense of people’s behavior.

    Simply put, when we see someone doing something wrong, we think it relates to their personality instead of the situation that the person is in.

    “What a jerk!”

    “How rude!”

    “That is so inconsiderate!”

    So how can we let it go? If we acknowledge our attribution errors that are judging personality alone, we can contemplate the situation. In my driving incident, perhaps this driver never tailgates. Maybe he had just been sacked at work, or had an emergency at home.

    Wouldn’t you be more understanding then? I should have been, but I never put this idea into practice in my life.

    But one day, I was driving to work when up ahead I saw a car slowing down for no apparent reason.

    “Okay, what’s going on here?”

    I was ready to place my attributions: “What a turkey…. How selfish… You are just a… a….”   … I stopped. It was an L plater. A learner. Oops.

    I swallowed my outrage. I shut my mouth. I stayed calm and understanding.

    And then it hit me. Aren’t we all L platers—in life?

    I knew that the person in front of me was an L plater learning to drive. The only difference with everybody else in the world is that we don’t know what they are learning.

    What was the tailgater learning about when he was on my tail? What were the teenagers learning about when they egged my car on Halloween? What was I learning about when I reacted?

    We all have struggles. We all have a past. We all have a reason for who we are today. It just can’t be seen like an L plate can.

    When people hurt you or do wrong, they are simply making mistakes and learning in their own way to get through life—the best way they have learned to do so with the life they have been given.

    As I drove away from the L plate driver, I decided to respond to people differently. Whenever I felt like judging, I would imagine they were wearing a shirt with a big L printed on it.

    Learner. Learning life. Making mistakes. Taking wrong turns. Getting lost. Moving forward. Getting stuck in jams. Even writing the darn thing off at times!

    It seemed that I had figured it out. I finally began to understand things a little bit better.

    I encourage you to give it a try in your own life and see how it helps overcome the need to judge others. You too will begin to realize that L platers are everywhere.

    As I drive home from work a few weeks later, I reflected on the fundamental attribution error.

    But then…

    It happened again!

    A different place, a different person.

    And this time…

    I let it go.

    Woman with scales image via Shutterstock

  • What Would Your Future Look Like If You Took a Leap of Faith?

    What Would Your Future Look Like If You Took a Leap of Faith?

    Woman Leaping

    “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make. ” ~Unknown

    Have you ever thought about making a big change in your life?

    Chances are, just that very idea produces a mild sense of anxiety and discomfort. But what if you were to actually go ahead and make that change? What would that look like, what would that feel like?

    A rhetorical question, I realize. You only know if you go through with it. If you don’t, you will never know. It’s a really tough place to be—one that I have been grappling with for many months.

    Recently I took my own leap of faith and resigned from my job of almost ten years. This was a long time coming; I invested much time and energy on what would be the ideal outcome and when I should take action.

    Wracked with indecision, I thought through every aspect of my decision, and then mulled it over some more.

    One thing that I learned from this approach is that intellect can be a useful and logical tool to work through certain issues, but it’s also very easy to over think a problem into oblivion.

    Granted, while it’s possible to think a problem through to its logical end, this approach leaves you with a bigger problem. How can you be sure?

    The term leap of faith proves to be an apt metaphor. There are no guarantees in life. X doesn’t always equal Y.

    You choose to take the leap despite the uncertainty. That’s the trick.

    It’s a brave move but so often in life, our life rewards increase exponentially with the risks that we choose to take. In taking the leap, you are making a very bold statement to the Universe. You are effectively saying, “I trust in you.”

    While I was mulling, tweaking, and generally controlling every aspect of making this decision, the Universe had other ideas in store for me.

    The work stress, which was previously tolerable, was turned up several degrees to a rolling boil.

    Business colleagues who I previously had easy working relationships with were replaced with aggressive Wall St. Finance Guy. Time passed, stress levels rocketed skyward, tempers frayed. Something had to give. That something was me.

    Knowing it would take an Indiana Jones boulder rolling toward me before I actually quit my job, the Universe finally got its message across. I was the proverbial frog, boiling away in a pot of my own making.

    My work environment was so toxic it was starting to make me physically ill. Sunday nights were a hotbed of anxiety-driven insomnia, while the Monday morning elevator ride was akin to riding to the top of a rollercoaster, excruciatingly slowly.

    Finally, I took control of the situation, and under the influence of a heady cocktail of anxiety with a splash of dry mouth, I handed in my notice.

    I had imagined this moment for quite some time. I fantasized about the sense of euphoria I would feel in the aftermath.

    In my deluded version of events, the soundtrack from Rocky would begin to pump out of invisible speakers as I made a couple of victory laps around the office, hands raised aloft.

    Alas, the only thing that was raised aloft was my blood pressure.

    The euphoria that I had imagined went MIA and its evil stepbrother, Fear, came strolling gleefully into its place. I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

    What people don’t tell you about making these types of decisions is that there will be a period, usually immediately afterward, whereupon you stop and ask yourself, “What the F did I just do?”

    When recollecting these typically momentous times in our lives, people tend to skip over this part of the story. Time passes, things work out, and so the focus leans on the following premise: I took a leap; it was scary but in hindsight it was the best thing I ever did.

    Let’s focus on that scary bit for a second. I’m not advocating not following through with your dreams, but I feel that its important to know that there will be a period of time where a torrent of emotion pours forth. Good, bad, or indifferent.

    In my experience, the post-leap process ranged wildly from the spectrum of buttock clenching anxiety through to “Sorry I didn’t mean that; can I take it back?”

    When you make and follow through with a huge decision, know that you are effectively taking that little comfort zone you painstakingly created for yourself and burning it to the ground. Expect to feel uncomfortable and probably a little vulnerable.

    I made the mistake of believing that the absence of this euphoric feeling was because I had made the wrong decision. I didn’t. It’s totally normal to spend this time with your old friends, Regret, Worry, and Anxiety.

    They’ll come over for coffee, stay for dinner, and probably spend the night. Remember, they are just paying a visit to check in and ask you again, and probably again over your morning coffee, “Are you sure you made the right decision?”

    What helped me get through this difficult time was a combination of self-care, talking with positive-minded friends, and most importantly, imagining what my life would look like if I didn’t go ahead with my decision.

    I recently heard about the “Rule of Ten,” which I found very useful when faced with a big decision.

    Ask yourself what your life would look like in ten minutes if you went ahead with it. What would it look like in ten months? Ten years? Then, reverse it. What would your life look like if you don’t go through with it? In ten minutes? Ten months? Ten years?

    Simple, but incredibly powerful.

    It’s been a while since I took the leap. My emotional houseguests have finally left, and today was the first day where I woke up and felt something. Was that Hope I heard ferreting around at the bottom of the bed? Oh and look, Excitement is knocking at the door.

    Making a change can produce some of life’s most rewarding moment. This doesn’t necessarily have to be experienced through a dramatic gesture such as quitting your job. A small life tweak such as breaking a bad habit can oftentimes be equally as rewarding.

    Changing what no longer works for us, whatever that might be, is an act of bravery. To stand up for oneself and say “I don’t want to do this anymore” shows us that we are capable of doing more and being more.

    But it’s also important to know that there will be growing pains. After all, if it were easy for people to change up their lives, the whole population would be in constant flux.

    Yet, ultimately change really is the only constant in life. It’s how we adapt to it that matters.

    So, when you find yourself on the precipice of a cliff, teetering on the edge of a big decision, ask yourself what your life would look like if you made a change, and if you didn’t. This just might help you follow your heart and take your own leap of faith.

    Woman leaping image via Shutterstock

  • How to Change Your Habits and Your Life in 5 Steps

    How to Change Your Habits and Your Life in 5 Steps

    Make the Change

    “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” ~Frederick Douglass

    We all experience struggles. Some are seemingly insurmountable. Others, like mine, are comparatively small. Regardless of their scale, it’s what we learn from our struggles that counts.

    Mine began while at university in London. Originally from a small town in the Welsh valleys, the move to the big city was a scary one for me.

    A mum’s boy at heart, I didn’t deal well with being so far away from home. I’m also an introvert who didn’t embrace the uni lifestyle of drinking to failure, so I didn’t make many friends early on.

    The workload was tough too, and the course content didn’t inspire me one bit. I had never really considered what I wanted out of life, but I quickly discovered that rocks and complex math weren’t part it. Still, I pushed through, partly because I was stubborn but mainly because I was scared to fail.

    As I said, my struggles weren’t monumental. My first-world problems pale in comparison to others, but at the time it was hard to see past them. I felt trapped and stressed out.

    As a coping mechanism for the stress, I turned to my safe haven: sports. Martial arts, football, weight lifting—anything that allowed my brain to shut off temporarily.

    What started as an escape quickly became unhealthy. Training sometimes three times a day was only adding to the problem, and eventually things broke down.

    I started developing a mouthful of painful ulcers regularly, making it difficult to talk and eat. They came with bouts of fatigue and digestive issues too, and one particularly nasty flare up led to a hospital visit.

    A few blood tests and examinations later, the news came back that I likely had Crohn’s disease, an inflammatory condition that can affect any part of the digestive tract (from the mouth, to the other end).

    Crohn’s can be pretty miserable. Oftentimes, sufferers face a lifetime of medications and surgery. I knew that wasn’t a path I wanted. I decided right then (in a naïve and almost boisterous manner) that Crohn’s or not, I would beat this myself.

    I took a step back to examine the big picture.

    In my eyes, I had these habits that were making me ill and keeping me on a path that I didn’t want. To change my trajectory, I just needed to alter my habits. If only it was that simple…

    I soon found out the hard way that habit changing isn’t the easiest pastime. After many failed attempts, I always came back to the same question: How can we create habits that are lasting rather than ones that phase out after a few weeks?

    Eventually, through trial and error, I was able to come up with a few answers, and gradually began transforming my life. I started eating a plant-based diet, and altered how I trained, which gave me more energy.

    I read more, worried less, and meditated regularly, which reduced my stress levels and allowed me to see more clearly the road I wanted to take.

    Fast forward a few years to the present day, things have vastly improved. Although I still occasionally get health issues, the symptoms are much easier to deal with.

    Despite repeated blood tests and investigations, I haven’t been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Maybe it was an overzealous initial prognosis, or perhaps I dodged a bullet by changing my habits. Either way, I’m happy that I went through the struggle. It taught me a lot, and allowed me to create the life I‘m living today.

    If you’re feeling a little lost right now, or you’re struggling to implement changes, you may benefit from applying these five important lessons I’ve learned about forming habits.

    1. Start with self-acceptance.

    Most of us practice unconditional love toward our close friends and family, regardless of their flaws, but it’s rare that we show the same acceptance toward ourselves.

    Instead, we beat ourselves up over every mistake we make, and every little defect. Our big belly, our bad eating habits, our laziness, and inability to manifest change. We waste so much energy focusing on these things, energy that could be used productively elsewhere.

    Perhaps the most important step in habit changing is to first accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all. Those imperfections are what make us human.

    Instead of talking yourself down, try treating yourself as you would a loved one. Be forgiving, and realize that wherever you are right now, it’s okay.

    You’re more likely to succeed in making changes if they’re coming from a place of self-respect rather than self-hatred.

    2. Determine your values.

    It’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important to us. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. We get a neatly packaged glimpse into their life on Facebook, and form a false idea of perfection that we should live up to.

    We then attempt to make a load of changes to become more like that person, without considering why. We set goals that are not aligned with our values, resulting in discomfort and dis-ease, and we never commit to them long term because they’re not that important to us.

    Be you, not a second-rate version of someone else. First, determine your values by asking yourself a few questions. What would you do if money weren’t an issue? Where are you most organized and reliable? What do you surround yourself with?

    Some people value their health above all else. Others are more concerned with their family, or making lots of money, or a mixture of all the above.

    Whatever’s most important to you, set goals that align with it. For example, if you want to eat healthily, but your highest value is caring for your family, how can you reframe that goal?

    Eating healthier may allow you to spend more quality time with your loved ones, or help you do a better job of looking after them. That’s your strong reason “why” that will excite you and inspire you to move forward.

    3. Start small and build gradually.

    Willpower is not an infinite energy source, and when forming habits we should avoid tapping into it as much as possible.

    I’m a sucker for getting over zealous and trying to make many big changes at once, but rarely does this ever lead to long-term success. Lasting changes are made from many small steps added together, not from a flick of the switch.

    Rather than fixating on an end goal, plan your next few steps in that general direction, then execute them. If you want to eat healthily, maybe start by changing your breakfast, and nothing else. When you’re fully comfortable with that, perhaps begin to adjust your lunch.

    Take your time, and don’t be tempted to bite off more than you can chew. Commit to the long haul rather than looking for the quick fix. It’s a more satisfying process, and each small step you take, you build your self-esteem, and your ability to produce further change.

    4. Build a support network.

    I’ve always had the tendency to try to tackle problems on my own. I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness, but the opposite is true. Building community is an important part of forming habits. It was only when I involved others that I really started to see success.

    Perhaps tell a reliable friend about the next few steps you’re taking with your new habit, and ask them to hold you accountable with weekly progress reports. Maybe even introduce rewards. This can give you that extra push you need to succeed.

    5. Embrace failure.

    Many of us grow up fearing failure. The reality is that failure can be a good thing, but we’re not taught how to deal with it properly. For most young people, failure is met with the less than inspiring statement of ”Oh well, better luck next time.” They’re left feeling deflated, with low self-esteem and nothing to act upon.

    You’ll likely fail several times when changing your habits, just like I did (and still do). First, realize it’s okay. Those road bumps are a vital part of the learning process.

    Secondly, search for the lesson. Failure teaches us what we can do to improve so we can come back next time as an upgraded version of ourselves. Maybe it means altering your goal to make it a little easier.

    Make your adjustments, pick yourself up, and get back on the path to fulfilling your passions.

    Make the change image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    “Here’s a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Don’t worry, be happy.” ~Bobby McFerrin 

    I was one of those people that when asked what they want in life, would say, “I just want to be happy…”

    In my past, I suffered from debilitating depression. There was a period when getting the dry-cleaning and buying toilet paper was difficult enough.

    So, I made it my mission to study what happy people do to stay happy, then I started doing what they were doing. And my happiness increased until I became one of those people I used to be envious of.

    Here’s a list I use now on a daily basis as a reminder to increase my happiness:

    1. Give yourself permission.

    Permission to be who you are; permission to laugh big, to cry when you need to, to fail brilliantly, to make stuff; permission to fall apart, breakdown, and get back up again; permission to be different and unique; permission to go too far and reach your dreams.

    2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

    Hold yourself with a “light hand.” Laugh at your foibles with amusement.

    When things get tough or stress arises, lift your shoulders with an “oh well…” Know that it’s never as big or life devastating as your mind thinks.

    Happy people trust that whatever glitch happens will work itself out.

    They give a “Ha! Ha!” and a “So what? Who cares? Big Deal! Why not?” when met with resistances.

    3. Don’t self-ruminate.

    I remember a friend of mine from Mississippi saying, “Lynn, when are you gonna’ stop starin’ at your own belly button…?” (Insert: Southern drawl.)

    I learned happy people don’t fixate on themselves and their problems. They don’t over-analyze the issue du jour.

    When they start to get stuck on a problem or in their head, they put their attention on something else.

    I remind myself to not have to have it all figured out: Get outside. Go back to your work. Plan something fun.

    4. Don’t compare.

    Comparison has been compared to a little death. When we compare ourselves to others, we harm ourselves.

    Happy people know that they’re no better or less than another person. Someone will always be at a “more evolved place” and someone will always be “less-evolved.”

    Note to self: Be concerned with only how to do your best and that’s all.

    5. Make adjustments.

    When something isn’t going your way, when your mood dips, or when you feel “off,” stay curious and self-aware. Fine-tune the energy in your body by making adjustments.

    If you eat something that makes you feel poor, why eat it? Pay attention if that glass of wine the night before makes you feel crappy in the morning or that slice of pizza made you bloated or that ice cream caused you to crash, losing your focus and energy.

    When you’re feeling stuck or heavy, take a walk, do something different than your normal routine, meet up with a friend.

    If feeling anxious or stressed, tune-up with extra sleep, meditation/yoga or a hot bath…

    6. Be of service and know how to take care of yourself.

    Happy people want to give back. They have plenty to share. They volunteer, take time out to help a friend, offer to connect people to others for their betterment, and aren’t in need of getting anything back.

    Commit to service but also stay aware of how to take care of yourself. When your energy gets depleted, remember to not give away to the point that you lose focus on your own emotional/mental/physical/spiritual health.

    Have loving boundaries to care for yourself so that you have more to give.

    7. Choose uplifting friendships.

    When we have friendships and conversations that are uplifting, supportive, and loving, with people interested in our betterment, we are on a faster track to our own enlightenment.

    If you hang out with someone and don’t feel great afterward, see less of that person and seek out other friendships.

    Know which friends increase your happiness and nurture those relationships.

    8. Be less interested in being happy and more interested in your peace of mind.

    I used to think happiness was about being totally ecstatic. In order to balance out my feelings of hopelessness and depression, it seemed natural that my goal would be to be maximally blissed.

    But with all the highs there’s a low—we eventually come down from it.

    Remember not to get attached to the highs and focus more on experiencing peaceful aliveness.

    When your life is at peace, there’s a relaxed balance; and the chances of sustained happiness and contentment increases.

    9. Use your senses.

    As they say, the ordinary is extraordinary.

    Happy people receive pleasure from enjoying the simple joys in life, and usually they’re connected to our senses. This subtle awareness creates significant moments of happiness.

    I discovered the pleasures I receive in the:

    • Warmth of a teacup in my hands on a cold winter day
    • Taste of a square of dark chocolate melting on my tongue
    • Dance music in my cycle class that wakes me up
    • Smile of a stranger on the street
    • Aroma of my favorite essential oil and when people say, “You smell so good!”

    Continue to mark pleasant sense experiences in your mind and carry them throughout your day to increase your spirits.

    10. Don’t make your intimate relationships the end-all-be-all.

    I used to think the person I was in a relationship with was there to give me my happiness rather than increase it.

    Happy people understand that those they are in relationship with are an “addition to,” not a completion of them. They live full lives so that at the end of the day they have so much more to share.

    A loving reminder: Don’t rely on your partner to shift your moods, heal you, or fill your empty spaces. And remember it’s not your responsibility to do that for your partner either.

    Support is an important part of relationship. We’re there on the bad days with compassion and a loving embrace. We’re there on the good days to cheer them on.

    But mostly, we rely on ourselves to give that to ourselves. We trust that our partners can wrestle with their own demons. We offer space for them to discover their own happiness, while we focus on creating our own.

    What might you put your focus on to continue to increase your own happiness?

  • Giving in Relationships Without Losing Yourself or Sacrificing Your Needs

    Giving in Relationships Without Losing Yourself or Sacrificing Your Needs

    Disappearing Woman

    “Relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together.” ~Unknown

    When I am in relationship, I put all of myself into it and can sometimes neglect my own needs as a result.

    I’ve recognized that I’m doing this in my current relationship, and I’ve realized that while it is wonderful to be truly committed, it is important not to lose oneself. This is where healthy boundaries come into play.

    A healing practitioner recently reminded me that relationships are excellent opportunities for personal growth.

    As someone who was single for almost a decade and has been in a committed relationship for the past year, I realize I’ve had a big opportunity to learn about myself and to grow as a person. My fiancé is my biggest mirror, and through our connection, I have been better able to understand my patterns.

    I have observed that I have a strong desire to merge with my partner because it feels blissful to be connected. I crave union, being one with the person who means most to me.

    This desire for union and oneness often leads me to a place where my boundaries begin to disappear. I forget to check in with myself about what I need or want before I say yes to my partner’s requests.

    For example, there are times when my partner wants to go out on a Friday night to have fun, when I feel that I need a quiet evening at home to rest, relax, and nurture myself.

    While I love those moments of union and oneness, and I believe that it is important to be giving and to be of service to my partner, this can become excessive.

    I have realized that when I seek to fully merge with my beloved, I can lose my deep connection to my core and what I want as an individual. If I continually do this, I can end up feeling tired, burned out, and grumpy.

    My core self is the “me” that has needs, desires, wishes, and dreams as an individual.

    When I disconnect from my core self, I find it hard to stay focused on my goals, such as growing my business and doing my own spiritual development work.

    My body lets me know that I am disconnecting from myself through physical discomfort and pain. Many times, my whole spine and pelvis will mirror my lack of internal alignment, and I will feel the need to go to the chiropractor because of this.

    Relationships require a delicate balance between having clear boundaries and yet not becoming too closed off from the other person.

    When we completely merge with our partner, we can actually lose the person that our partner fell in love with. But if we have too many boundaries and are too self-focused, we lose the opportunity to be deeply connected, share greater intimacy, and give to our partner and the relationship.

    So how do we navigate this delicate balance? How do we set boundaries without setting up too many walls? I believe that this is a continual process and evolution.

    For me, it takes practice and mindfulness. I need to consistently check in with myself to recognize how I am showing up in the relationship, how I am giving of myself, and whether I am losing myself.

    I also have to recognize when I am creating walls between my fiancé and myself, perhaps due to past wounds or fears related to deep intimacy.

    In its simplest form, it requires checking in on a daily basis with my core self. What is it that I need for myself today? How do I stay connected to who I am as an individual?

    If you find it difficult to say no to others, remember that it takes practice. Practice saying “no” to small things that might feel easier and then build up to the bigger things.

    If the person receiving the “no” doesn’t want to listen, remember that it is okay to hold firm to your decision and express your own needs and desires.

    And if you’re afraid to hold firm because you don’t want to rock the boat, ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship where you can’t communicate and honor your own needs.

    I have started a new practice each morning. When I first get up, I spend a few minutes standing quietly and connecting to my deeper core self.

    I remind myself that I am still Lyn before I am someone’s fiancé and that I do not want to completely lose myself by merging with my partner.

    I find that starting each day with this intention reminds me to stay connected to my core self throughout the day as I make my choices.

    Remembering this commitment to myself when my partner requests something and I decide whether to agree helps me know I won’t have to sacrifice my needs to do it. I am honoring the strong and independent woman he fell in love with.

    Some other ways that I’ve found to stay open in my relationship without losing myself are taking quiet time each day to meditate, breathe, or otherwise just connect with myself.

    It also helps to make sure I’m not only doing activities with my partner while neglecting my own individual interests or my girlfriends. When I remember to fill my own cup up and listen to my inner knowing, it helps me to be a better partner too.

    If you struggle with balancing being open to your partner while not losing yourself, know that you are not alone and that it is a continual practice for many of us. With consistent focus on the balance of honoring your partner and relationship while also honoring yourself, it does become easier.

    Disappearing woman image via Shutterstock

  • When You Love an Addict: Stop Enabling and Help Yourself

    When You Love an Addict: Stop Enabling and Help Yourself

    “Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~Ann Landers

    I fell in love for better or worse. First came the better and then the worst.

    My prince charming, over time, became a raging alcoholic. I watched an amazing man become, well less amazing.

    There are endless books and information you can read about addiction, but I am going to break the rule, skip to the end of those books, and tell you the ending—the solution. Spoiler alert!

    Let go.

    The most complex two words a person can say.

    Odds are, the addictive (insert type of addiction here—can be drugs, sex, gambling; it’s all the same) personality type found you because you are a helper, better known in the addict world as an enabler.

    When my alcoholic fell off the wagon, I read every book, attended AA and Al-Anon meetings, got several counselors, and was an active participant during one of his several trips to rehab. A star student.

    With each fall, I designed and created a plan that would surely fix the problem. I was so well educated on the topic, I could have written a book myself, taught a class, or ran a meeting.

    The problem was it was always my plan, not his.

    When to let go?

    Set boundaries.

    When they are crossed, stick by the consequences you have predetermined. No more, “one more chance” scenarios. The boundaries need to be your boundaries. Some people will have a high level of tolerance, others will not. Set what you can live with and be happy.

    For example, I had set a boundary of no legal issues. When that was crossed in the form of yet another DUI, it was time to file for divorce. Though it will not be easy, be prepared to follow through.

    How do you let go?

    Do the opposite of what comes naturally.

    I was talking to my counselor and she said you are going to have to go against your gut to get this right.

    I thought, you are crazy; I live and die by my gut feelings.

    Then she the said words that would both sting and profoundly change my life. “You make the plans, you write the checks, you do all of it to make yourself feel better.”

    She was right. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, sick, or upset. I wanted the pain to go away and the healing to begin, and I wanted it to happen fast. Hadn’t we hit rock bottom?

    Let them feel consequences of their actions.

    Have a fine to pay? Pay it yourself.

    You lose your driver’s license? Walk, ride a bus, or bike to where you need to go.

    Need money for an attorney, or need to be bailed out of jail? Figure it out on your own.

    Literally help them with nothing. Support, love, and encouragement are great, but stop there.

    It is the most terrible and effective thing you, as a helper, can do—stop helping. If I had one regret it would be that I enabled him. I allowed him to not feel the consequences and robbed him of the opportunity to build his self-esteem through addressing his mistakes himself.

    Educate yourself.

    Even though you know the ending to the story and the secret has been revealed, there is a lot to be said about the journey.

    I was in an Al-Anon meeting, and I listened as a beautiful, confident woman announced to the group she was going to go home and give her addict a piece of her mind, force him to stop, lay down the law. I thought, well that won’t work.

    Then I realized, I was just like that woman. I had threatened, cried, yelled, and punished. It did not and would never work. I would learn more in those meetings than I ever believed possible.

    So read the books, go to meeting, get that counselor, take the online course; it is worth the investment. One Ah-Ha moment can be life changing. I did the same for my children.

    Build and use your circle of support.

    I kept my addict’s secret. I felt I owed it to him to protect and defend his honor. There was some truth to that, but I was also protecting me.

    Once I opened up about the issue, love, support, and some judgment came flooding in. Take what you need and leave the rest. You live with your decisions. The person giving you the advice does not.

    Find the new you.

    My life, my future everything was built around this man and the beautiful children we had created. When I accepted my reality had changed, I embraced it!

    I began to build a new life, and dusted off some old dreams until they were new and shiny. I learned where the sprinkler control box was, unclogged the garbage disposal, and bought a step stool so I could reach anything I wanted, whenever I wanted. (He is 6’6” and I am 5’4”.) I hired a handyman. I asked for help, it almost killed me but I did ask and it did help. Create a life you can love!

    —

    I have and will always have compassion for addicts. It is my personal belief that it is disease. I often switch the word addict for cancer. You would most likely not be mad that friend of loved one had cancer, but you can be upset that they have opted to not follow any of the doctors orders.

    The addict gets one day at time. So should you. There will be days you go backward and there will be days you make amazing leaps forward. In the end you will prevail.

  • 10 Truths About Real Love (It’s Not Always Like the Movies)

    10 Truths About Real Love (It’s Not Always Like the Movies)

    Movie Romance

    “No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.” ~Unknown

    In a world duped by wild expectations and soaked Ryan Gosslings, my recent engagement to my partner Rob got me thinking: No one writes a letter every day for a year and talks about it in the rain.

    So, to anyone out there ready for love, these are the lessons I have to share.

    1. You may find love where you least expect it.

    We met in a bathroom. At a gay bar. I’m not saying people don’t find love when they’re looking for it, or that it’s never magical, but you’re probably not going to meet when and where you think.

    2. Technology is tricky.

    Once you’re in a committed relationship, I think everyone would agree it’s time to delete the dating apps. The rest is totally subjective.

    For example, you may not see the harm in liking a picture of your ex on Facebook, but your partner might. Either way, it’s definitely worth having a conversation on what you both agree is socially kosher online.

    3. Jealousy can be healthy (in moderation).

    Like booze, too much is bad for you, but a little here and there can actually be good. Rob once said, “You should be glad I’m jealous. Otherwise, it would mean I didn’t care.”

    I know it sounds sort of twisted, but as long as there is trust, a little jealousy acknowledges you have something other people might want, and your partner knows it. Take it as a compliment.

    4. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or anything in between. 

    A relationship is a relationship. That’s that.

    5. It’s like the movies, but not at all.

    My improv teacher once said, “Every scene should be like the movies. Today is the day.”

    Aliens are invading, a meteor needs to get blown up, your best friend is getting married—whatever it is, it’s going down, and it’s going to be super dramatic, hilarious, or terrifying.

    Unfortunately, this intensity is not sustainable. Life has a lot of uneventful moments, and your relationship will too. No one wants to see a movie about two people spending an entire day on the couch. And that’s perfectly okay.

    6. Seriously, everybody fights.

    There are a lot of things you can do to prevent most fights, like communicate more and drink less. But when it does come to blows, remember that you can still get your point across without being mean about it.

    7. Sex is easy. Working together is hard.

    Some things come naturally, but packing up your entire apartment and filling a 17’ U-Haul isn’t one of them.

    The cool thing is, the more you work together, the more you come to understand each other’s strengths, and for better or worse, weaknesses. Ultimately, it’s not just about you anymore. You’re a team. And as cheesy as that sounds, it’s the truth, Ruth.

    8. Breaking up can actually be just a break.

    About a year into our relationship, I took a job in Denver. Rob and I subsequently broke up. It was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also one of the best.

    Six months later, I moved back to Chicago with a renewed appreciation for the city, my friends, my family, and most of all, Rob, who (lucky for me) was still there. But there’s no denying breaking up is risky stuff.

    9. It’s a package deal.

    So that means antique shopping with your future mother-in-law, introducing yourself to that one friend for the fifth time, or discovering a close friend is actually an old flame.

    10. Companionship is conscious.

    We choose to be in a relationship. It’s a choice you will make every day for as long as you want.

    I know I’ve got someone very special. And I know it took a lot of learning and growing to realize it.

    So here’s to real life, sharing what you know, and the absolute “yes.”

    Movie romance image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

    5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

    “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim.” ~C.R. Strahan

    It’s not fair, is it?

    Getting hurt. All over again.

    It wasn’t so bad forgiving them the first time. You rose to the occasion. You became the bigger person. You tried to move on.

    You thought you had to. After all, they did ask nicely.

    You just knew you’d be BFFs again and go right back to, “Let’s go for Jamba Juice!”

    But it didn’t go down like that, did it?

    No BFFs. No Jamba Juice. Not even a check-in text.

    You put it all on the line and forgave them. Now they’ve let you down again, and you can’t help but think it was the biggest mistake you ever made. And on top of it all, you can’t stop wondering why it all happened to you.

    I used to wonder that too.

    When I was fourteen, my mom sent me away. She thought it would be nice if there were a nun in the family. And I was going to be it.

    I had never been further than my Mamaw’s house. I had just shaved my legs for the first time and gotten my room back after the toddlers moved into the new add-on.

    Now, I’d be sharing a room with three other postulants over 1,100 miles away—sleeping on used hospital beds. In silence. For six years.

    My life, as I knew it, had ended.

    I wasn’t allowed to spend holidays at home. I never got another birthday present. And for six years, all I wore was a homemade blue habit with a plastic collar I had to scrub with a toothbrush.

    But then I got out. And my life ended all over again.

    Where do you fit when you don’t fit anywhere? I didn’t know anyone. No one knew me. My little brothers and sisters were all teenagers by then. My dad had married the woman he’d had an affair with. And to top it all off, my mom wouldn’t let me come home.

    I just wanted to move on. I thought forgiving everyone would make it okay. Forgive my family for giving me away. Forgive the nuns for going all American Horror Story on me. Forgive the Catholic church for expecting me to make up something to say in confession every week. Forgive my parakeet for dying while I was gone.

    The more I told myself to stop being angry, the angrier I got. The more I tried to let it go, the more it haunted me at every turn.

    After six years, I should have been an expert at forgiveness. But in reality, I was as clueless as a homeless kid trapped in a grown-up twilight zone.

    In the end, forgiveness actually became my ultimate game-changer. But only after I saw through the lies people led me to believe.

    Can You Trust Everything You Believe About Forgiveness?

    There’s a whole lot of noise out there about forgiveness. And you know what noise does? It chats up your Inner Victim and distracts you. The louder the noise gets, the quicker you need to call in your Inner Skeptic. Because some of the noise is nothing but big, fat lies.

    Lying to yourself while you forgive someone is worse than not forgiving them at all.

    If you want to open your heart to freedom, you must open your eyes about forgiveness. Here are some crippling myths about forgiving that leave you victimized and the truths that will set you free.

    Lie: When I forgive, I have to forget what happened and move on.

    Truth: Remembering how you got hurt empowers you to forgive and create the life you deserve.

    When I got home, I tried to forgive my mom for making me grow up isolated and alone. I thought I had to forget that I’d never been allowed to talk to a guy who wasn’t a relative.

    The one awkward time I got asked to dance at a happy hour, I freaked out and started picking an imaginary bug out of my drink. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into that cup and float around with the ice cubes.

    Acting like the convent never happened was like walking through a minefield with my eyes shut and a great big target on my back. When you forget, you don’t know how to navigate. When you can’t navigate, you fake it.

    Faking it is not forgiveness. Faking it does not set you free and keep you safe.

    That’s why it’s important to remember. Remembering what happened gives you a compass for where you want to be. It lets you go easy on yourself while you design how it’s going to be from now on.

    Remembering how I was kept isolated told me that I didn’t deserve to be lonely any longer. Once I knew I could surround myself with loving relationships in my life, I was open to forgiving my mom.

    Honoring your reality lets you build the life you deserve and empowers you to forgive.

    Lie: Forgiveness wipes the slate clean and gives them another chance to hurt me.

    Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t invite you to get hurt again. Forgiveness empowers you to teach others how to treat you differently.

    Forgiving someone takes a lot of honesty. Honesty about yourself and how you deserve to be treated, and honesty about the one who hurt you and how they’re inclined to act around you.

    You don’t cause the way someone else acts, but you can invite them to act differently with you. If they don’t want to play nice, you get to change the way you show up around them.

    When my brother texted me that they all changed their minds about picking me up at the airport, I got frantic. It was Christmas. Mom’s house was an hour away. And all the rental cars were taken.

    When you trust people to be exactly who they are, you can adjust your expectations of them accordingly.

    I told my family that I wanted control over my travel arrangements and would get my own room and join them for dinner.

    The long drive gave me time to think and see them honestly after they let me down. Right then, I decided that I wouldn’t rely on unreliable people any longer. Suddenly, I wasn’t expecting them to rescue me. And I was able to forgive them.

    Forgiveness lets you see your offender honestly and puts you in charge of how you’re treated.

    Lie: I have to forgive someone or they won’t heal and be forgiven.

    Truth: When someone asks for forgiveness, they want their own peace back. And that’s not even something you can give them.

    One of the biggest truths I learned is that forgiveness heals me. I can’t do someone else’s healing for them.

    The only time my mother ever asked me to forgive her was late at night, in the privacy of her own living room, at the bottom of a bottle of Sandeman’s Port.

    “Will you forgive me? For everything?”

    “Sure. Yeah. Of course,” I’d say. But next year would only find her crying at the bottom of another bottle. I wanted her to be happy. But I couldn’t go there for her.

    Setting people free to walk through their own darkness is the truest test of your own freedom.

    Lie: I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.

    Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t give others what they deserve. Forgiveness gives you the only chance of ever getting what you truly deserve—your freedom.

    Freedom means you let go of hurting and decide to take the good stuff for a change.

    Letting yourself feel better takes a lot of trust. Trust that there’s enough good stuff out there for you. Trust that even if the bad guy gets some, there’s still always plenty for you.

    My early phone chats with Mom always ended badly. She’d start in with, “Remember when you guys used to—” And I’d cut in that, “No, Mom. I don’t remember. I never lived in that house. I was in a convent.” As soon as she’d come back with, “Well, I hope you don’t think that was my idea!” the F-bombs would hit the fan.

    I thought I never could forgive her if she wouldn’t admit all that happened to me. Truth is, I don’t think she’ll ever understand all that happened to me. And eventually, it didn’t matter. I stopped waiting for her to deserve it and just gave myself the good stuff anyway.

    Forgiveness isn’t about balancing the scales of justice. Forgiveness is about attaining your own freedom along the way.

    Lie: I can’t forgive until I know the reason this happened to me.

    Truth: You may never know the reason anything happened. But you can create your own reason for everything that happens now.

    What happened to you wasn’t fair. But “why?” is a question you could be chasing to your grave.

    Why torture yourself trying to make sense of what didn’t make sense? You already suffered through what actually happened to you. Why keep feeding the story with endless possibilities of terrible endings?

    I wasted a lot of time wondering why. I wanted it all to somehow make sense. If it wasn’t my fault, it had to be somebody else’s. Because what’s more pointless than thinking that I sacrificed my entire youth for absolutely no reason at all?

    Finally, I gave myself my own reason. I needed a reason to live now.

    If I was going to live, I was going to love living.

    The day I gave myself a reason to live was the day I stopped looking for the reason my youth had died.

    That was the day that I became free.

    Freeing yourself from the burden of “why?” sets you free from an eternal blame game with no end in sight.

    How to Break Free Once and for All

    Can I get real with you for a second?

    We’ve all got an inner victim. Our own personal champion of lies and no way out. And it needs us to believe it.

    Here’s the thing—lies get bigger when you believe them. But so does the truth.

    Stop pointing fingers at the lies you’ve been led to believe.

    You are not a victim. You are strong. And free. And powerful in your truth.

    There’s not a thing standing in your way.

    Set yourself free already! Take the good stuff for a change.

  • It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

    It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

    Sad Woman

    “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia

    In 2009 I traveled to Perth, Western Australia, to further my education. Little did I know how much my life would change.

    I befriended lots of people and met a tall, gorgeous man from South Asia. He was not the type of guy I normally dated, but I fell for him anyway.

    It was our happy fun time in 2010. Then, in early 2011, I sensed a change.

    It’s funny when you’re in a relationship with someone; you can feel when something just isn’t right. 

    I had that feeling.

    You see, ever since we became a couple, we could talk about anything without feeling judged or embarrassed. We were happy, so when suddenly he changed and became very private, it raised an alarm in me.

    It turned out he was having an affair—not just with one, but with two women at the same time. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation, and the numbness that came afterward were unbearable.

    I literally forced the truth out of him. I knew it would hurt, but I had to know his reasons. How could someone with a kind heart cheat on a person and create a new relationship based on a lie? Questions bounced around in my head for months.

    Eventually I forgave him, and so did the others. But unfortunately for me, I let myself stay in this drama.

    I latched myself to him—and lost myself—while feeling confused by his conflicted feelings toward me, between “I want you” and “I don’t.” (more…)

  • The Gift Of Unsoothable Pain: Darkness Can Lead to Light

    The Gift Of Unsoothable Pain: Darkness Can Lead to Light

    Darkness Leads to Light

    “Blessed are the cracked for they shall let in the light.” ~Groucho Marx

    In 2008, after ten years of marriage, my former husband and I decided to divorce.

    It came as a shock to those who knew us. We were living what most would consider the American dream: two healthy children, beautiful home, great friends, strong careers, two incomes—the works.

    Though my ex-husband and I got along well, the marriage was missing an intimate, heartfelt connection.

    Loneliness and longing grew with each passing year until I could no longer ignore them. I knew the kind of intimacy for which I yearned was not possible in my marriage, so I asked for a divorce.

    Because my ex-husband and I led mostly separate lives, I assumed the transition through divorce would be fairly smooth. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening!

    Divorce, like most significant losses, takes the safe and familiar contour of our lives and blows it to smithereens, leaving us vulnerable and unprotected until the new shape forms. It is easy to underestimate the comfort we draw from what is known; I sure did.

    Shortly after the separation, much like a Ficus tree seems to all but die when moved from its familiar spot, I went into a state of shock.

    It was as if my nerve endings were relocated outside my skin, perturbed at even the slightest agitation. Once-routine tasks, like getting out of bed or going to the grocery store, seemed barely doable. 

    I spent the days toggling between two modes: “about to cry” and “full-on blubbering.”

    I told myself it was not okay to feel the pain because it was a consequence of my own choices. My emotional suitcases were so heavy with fear, shame, and self-doubt, I thought these feelings defined me.

    One night, the struggle reached a crescendo. Sadness and dread filled my entire body, from the inside out, until I was heaving with sobs and howling like a trapped animal. I was convinced the pain would either not stop or that it would kill me. I secretly wished for the latter.

    It was in this moment I realized that some pain is, quite literally, unsoothable: there is no one, no place, and nothing in that moment that can make it better.

    The only way out of unsoothable pain is to go straight through it. Even with this awareness, however, I still wanted to run.

    At first, I tried to numb the pain with limerence. The new relationship went about like any would go between two wounded people lacking awareness; like a train wreck. What’s more, I convinced myself I needed that train wreck to work to prove I wasn’t a failure.

    When we tell ourselves that we need something, we inadvertently look for it in places we are guaranteed not find it.

    This is life’s clever way of showing us, again and again, what needs our own loving attention. If I kept numbing the pain of loss with romantic love, I would keep choosing unsustainable relationships.

    At the base of every true heart connection is acceptance. We cannot offer acceptance to others until we can accept ourselves, wrenched heart and all.   

    Three years and two failed relationships later, I decided it was time to stop trying to soothe the unsoothable, to face grief, and to build a solid life on my own.

    I eschewed romantic relationships for well over a year, devoting that time to friendships and long-neglected passions, like skiing and music. I felt lonely and frequently got scared, but fear was outmatched by a deeply held conviction to stay the course.

    Though I once hoped it would, I am happy to report unsoothable pain did not kill me. In fact, the willingness to push through its contractions has increased my confidence to handle life’s loss and uncertainty. The same can be true for anyone willing to face his/her own darkness.

    If you are experiencing unsoothable pain, you may be tempted to reach for something or someone to numb yourself.

    Avoidance is a way of inviting into your life more of the very thing you are attempting to banish; resistance is futile. Your feelings are intense because something important is happening, so keep going!

    Sometimes unsoothable pain presents itself as fear, telling us the struggle won’t end.

    Sometimes it assumes the voice of self-doubt, convincing us we can’t do it.

    Sometimes pain is accompanied by shame, which cajoles us into believing there is something fundamentally wrong with us because we are hurting.

    Fear, self-doubt, and shame are the normal, temporary emotional byproducts of significant change. Do not believe their stories; they are untrue. Unsoothable pain is the threshold over which we must cross to access more love and more light within ourselves.

    While masking its symptoms won’t cure the disease, taking good emotional, spiritual, and physical care of yourself goes a long way. Here are a few things to consider:

    1. Slow down and breathe.

    It may feel like you are dying when you pause for a bit, but I encourage you to do it anyway. When we slow down and sit with hard feelings, we are taking a brave step toward showing ourselves that we are stronger than pain.

    2. Create small goals.

    During the darkest times, the idea of getting through an entire day felt like a lot, so I broke the day into small chunks to make it more manageable. My goal list looked like “Shower and put on makeup” or “Make it to lunch time.”

    3. Celebrate achievements. 

    When I reached each milestone, I would sometimes say, out loud and in my goofiest cheerleader voice, “Woot! You made it to bedtime! Another day is history!” (Sidebar: always laugh at yourself—the alternative is too unpleasant to consider).

    It may feel silly to celebrate events that seem otherwise unremarkable but, when your nerves are inside out, even the simplest of tasks can feel like a big deal.

    4. Trust more and confide often.

    Make a short list of the people in your life you feel safe falling apart with and let yourself fall apart with them.

    There is nothing shameful about unsoothable pain—it is our vulnerability that allows us to create meaningful bonds with other humans. Sometimes a supportive comment or gesture from a trusted friend can be the encouragement you need to keep going.

    5. Move around.

    You don’t have to qualify for the Boston Marathon, but please do move your body at least once per day.

    Whether your preferred movement is yoga, walking, running, dancing, hiking, or biking, remember that emotions are physical events—we can literally move through them sometimes. If this idea seems like too much, start with your mailbox and work your way out from there (see #2).

    6. Do something that scares you.

    Keeping health and safety in mind, figure out two or three small things you can do that are outside of your comfort zone.

    I wanted to reconnect with my musical side, so I joined a group of singers and songwriters. It wasn’t easy (I cried in the car all the way to the first gathering), but it eventually got easier and the strangers in that group eventually became friends.

    7. Speak kindly to yourself. 

    We are more likely to advocate for people we like so, when you are in pain, speak to yourself as if you are a valued friend. It is when we are hurting that we are most deserving of tenderness. Gently remind yourself that you are doing your best to take care of you.

    8. Be patient. 

    Building a new life shape takes time, so give it the time it deserves. Acting hastily merely increases your chances of having to start over later.

    Building a friendlier relationship with discomfort can eventually diminish its strength and frequency.

    In the meantime, it may help to remember that unsoothable pain is often the sign of a well-lived life—it proves you were courageous enough to risk, to love, and to be affected by loss. After all, it is when the shapes of our lives are wide open that the most light can get in.

    Man walking into the light image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    Focus on What Matters

    “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

    Let’s get things done.

    If you’ve ever read any books or articles about productivity, you’ve heard this phrase. It’s one I used and made a part of my life for a long time. More recently, I’ve discovered there’s a better and more disciplined way to work and to live.

    It’s called essentialism, and it means getting more of the right things done.

    According to Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, an essentialist removes the trivial and focuses on what adds value.

    They make smart decisions about how to spend their time, energy, and resources because they understand this is the best way of contributing more to the people in their lives, to their families, and to society.

    I’ve discovered five important questions that are helping me make progress toward getting more of the right things done.

    And I want to share them with you.

    1. Is this activity adding value to my life?

    Since I was a child, I played and loved video games. When I was in my mid-twenties, I even reviewed them for a popular entertainment website. The website didn’t pay me, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed gaming, and I was able to keep the games after I wrote my reviews.

    After a year or two of this, I felt a shift in how I approached games. Instead of looking forward to playing the next AAA title or blockbuster release, I began to dread the tedious missions, the walkthroughs, and inevitable write-ups.

    To my great shame, I wrote negative reviews of games I’d only played for an hour or two before selling them.

    One morning, after staying up late gaming the night before, I woke up and realized I was wasting my time and energy on something I didn’t enjoy. I emailed my editor and told him I was done. Then, I sold my games and gave my console to my son.

    I’m not making a case against gaming; instead, I share this story as an example of how we value our time differently as we grow older.

    2. How am I going to fill my glass?

    Consider your entire day a glass:

    You can fill this glass first with important activities, or big rocks, such as spending time with family or working on projects you’re passionate about. Then, you can fill the glass with non-essential activities like answering email or watching television—these are like grains of sand, and they will settle around the big rocks in your day.

    However, if you fill your glass with non-essential activities first, there will be no room left for the big rocks in your day.

    Every night, before I go to bed, I ask myself what I want to fill my glass with?

    My answer is almost always the same: to write.

    Unless I act, these grains of sand will fill my day and leave no room for writing. However, if I make a conscious decision to write, these grains of sand settle around the big rocks in my day.

    I’m not going to lie and say I fit writing into every day, but when I do I feel lighter. And if I write first thing—even if it’s just a journal entry—I don’t have the inevitable moment when I sit on the couch after an exhausting and demanding day and think, “Oh no, I still have to write.”

    If you’re not a writer, you still have big rocks in your life. They could be spending time with a loved one, meditating, or exercising. Your grains of sand could be commitments you’ve made to others that aren’t adding value to your life or passive activities like watching the news or reading social media feeds.

    Decide on your big rocks before you got to bed, and you will wake up and fill your day with what matters.

    3. What clutter can I eliminate?

    Two years ago, I lost a dream job. I was unemployed for six months, and spent a lot of this free time figuring out what matters most to me and reading about minimalism.

    It felt like something I could get into, and when you’re unemployed, you need something to get into.

    Minimalism is another name for essentialism, and the quickest way to get started is to eliminate material goods you don’t use, need, love, or depend on.

    I sold my laptop because I prefer writing using my desktop computer. I donated every book to charity that I promised myself I’d read but had no intention of doing so.

    I got rid of every item of clothing that I hadn’t worn during the past twelve months. And, I deleted almost all of the unwatched films and TV shows on my hard-drive and cancelled subscriptions to various online services.

    Did I do this because I had free time on my hands?

    Perhaps.

    Later on, when I found a job, I thought of buying a new laptop and replacing the clothes I’d given away. But I found I didn’t miss any of these things.

    Eliminating clutter gave me more space, more time, and more room for the big rocks in my life.

    If you want to eliminate some of the clutter in your life, McKeown offers this advice:

    “If I didn’t already own this, how much would I spend to buy it?”

    4. How do I protect myself?

    To be an essentialist is to protect your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Each of these three areas represents one side of a triangle, and if one is under stress, the other two will suffer.

    Here’s how I protect myself:

    To look after my mental health, I expose myself to new ideas through challenging books and record ten ideas every day based on these books. This practice keeps my brain active.

    To look after my physical health, I run up to twenty miles a week. This practice helps me work through stressful problems, and it gives me more energy for other areas of my life.

    To look after my spiritual health, I try to meditate for an hour a week, and I write regular journal entries about what I’m struggling with and things I feel grateful for.

    I find this practice exceptionally difficult, but taking a step back from the trenches of the working week helps me quiet my monkey mind. It helps me sleep better at night. And then I can return to whatever I’m doing with a renewed vigor.

    5. How often do I disconnect?

    Several years ago, I went on vacation to a campsite in Italy. There was no immediately available Internet access at the campsite, and I wasn’t able to check my phone and my feeds or read the news whenever I wanted.

    On the first day of this trip, I felt disconnected and behind. My hands kept reaching for the email app on my phone even though I knew I didn’t have access to the Internet.

    After a day or two this habit died, and I began to enjoy these disconnected few days away from home. I took one lesson home from this holiday.

    Being constantly connected kills my opportunity to escape, to enjoy a vacation, to spend time with the people I’m with and even to focus on my work.

    It’s been a while since I’ve gone a week without email, but I’ve removed the email app from my phone and only check it at predefined periods during the day. I’ve also disabled as many notifications as possible on the devices that I use. And I regularly work without being connected to the Internet.

    If you take regular time out to take care of yourself, you will be better able to focus on what matters

    Live Your Wild and Precious Life

    An essentialist avoids spending their time on tasks they can say no to, on people they should say no to, and on compromises that aren’t worth making.

    They are committed working on what inspires them, on what they’re talented at, and pursuing their contributions to the world.

    I’m still working on becoming an essentialist and eliminating the trivial from my life. It’s a difficult practice and one I fall way from often, but the five questions I’ve shared with you help.

    I know now that anyone can choose to live their wild and precious life the way they want.

    We just have to decide what matters.

  • There’s No WiFi in the Forest, but You’ll Get a Stronger Connection

    There’s No WiFi in the Forest, but You’ll Get a Stronger Connection

    Woman on a swing

    “The quieter you become the more you can hear.” ~Ram Dass

    We live our lives at such a fast pace. We seem to be working more hours and juggling more tasks both at work and home, with no relenting.

    As part of the technological age, we are connected 24/7, and we find it difficult to switch off.

    It has changed the face of how we live and work. Expectations are higher, the pace of life is quickening, and we’re struggling to keep up.

    In a world that encourages noise and busy-ness, we find it hard to be quiet and still.

    I recently left a stressful job in the corporate world to regain balance in my life. I was so busy making a living that I’d forgotten to make a life, and my health was suffering as a result.

    I am now an advocate for “slowing down to speed up.” Prioritizing relaxation and self-care makes me more alive and more effective, and it allows better decision-making, hence making life easier.

    We have been conditioned by society to maximize every second of the day by doing something. Some people see relaxing as unproductive, wasting time, and even selfish if we’re taking time for ourselves.

    But in this busy world it’s not just individuals that benefit from time out; our bosses, colleagues, friends, and family also reap the benefits when we’re rested and refreshed.

    In the modern age we are overwhelmed by technology. It now dominates our homes and work-life and keeps us in touch with friends, families, and the world around the clock.

    In the days before handheld devices, people could leave the office on Friday and not see their emails again until Monday morning. We would sit on bus and talk to one another rather than being lost in an iPad.

    My former morning routine consisted of eating breakfast while checking Facebook, reading my personal and work emails (even though I was going to be in the office in less than an hour), and then watching the news on TV. A similar kind of routine would play out at the other end of the day over dinner.

    I recently took three months off and spent time living in yoga ashrams and Buddhist temples where there was no TV and Internet.

    Surprisingly, I found I didn’t miss it. It freed up so much of my time each day, time spent enjoying my meal, being present, noticing the birds in the trees, and talking to those around me.

    The most amazing thing was when I returned to civilization and logged on to check the news, Facebook, and emails, I hadn’t really missed anything. But I’d gained so much more.

    I’d experienced what I was doing. I’d not been distracted by petty stories that didn’t matter or that may have impacted my state of mind negatively. Most of all, my mind had become de-cluttered and focused, and I felt a certain clarity I enjoyed.

    As a result of a technology fetish, we are spending more time inside. This is leading to an alarming vitamin D shortage in many developed nations, particularly in the northern hemisphere when we don’t get enough sunlight.

    We no longer live off the land in rural areas. Many of us are confined to cities, living and working in concrete towers. As a result, we have lost touch with our connection with nature, which studies suggest is vital for our health.

    We know how refreshing it feels to take a walk in the park or sit by a lake, and research is now showing it goes much further than that.

    The connection we get from being in nature utilizes all the senses and brings clarity and focus, which is why sometimes when I was struggling for inspiration in the office or couldn’t solve a complex problem, it would help to take a stroll to clear my mind.

    Many offices now use walking meetings as a way of improving health, creativity, and productivity. This is especially powerful in the technological age when emails and phones so often disrupt our concentration and cause breaks in our creativity.

    UK charity Mind suggest that time in nature is beneficial for those with depression, as it enhances mood and self-esteem and reduces anger, confusion, and tension.

    It has also been shown to lower blood pressure, reduce pain, and strengthen the immune system.

    A study done involving patients recovering from gall bladder surgery in a hospital compared a group who had a view of nature outside their window to those without a view of nature.

    This study found that those who looked out onto nature recovered quicker than those who didn’t.

    At the same time as we are suffering from a lack of outdoor sunlight, we also need more exercise. Diseases like obesity and depression are at epidemic proportions, and still worsening. Research suggests that being outside more often could help on both counts.

    According to recent studies, sitting is the new smoking, and hours at desks, in cars, or in front of the TV is damaging our health more than we realize.

    It more than doubles your risk of diabetes and is linked with an increase in heart disease. In fact, inactivity is the fourth biggest killer of adults, according to the World Health Organization.

    I’m not suggesting we should all go and live in caves on the top of a mountain, but I am an advocate for ensuring we have an opportunity to disconnect.

    Maybe turn your work device off over the weekend, have a TV-free night each week, resolve not to check Facebook every day, or even better, take a technology break for a week, maybe when you go on your annual vacation, and see what it does for you.

    Sometimes we need to disconnect so we can reconnect with our real selves and not give way to the many distractions in our lives. This brings the clarity we need to make good decisions and to listen to what we want and how we feel about the things that really matter.

    So I urge you to switch off the TV, turn away from the computer screen, put down your phone, and get outside.

    As the saying goes, there’s no Wi-Fi in the forest, but you’ll get a stronger connection.

    Woman on a swing image via Shutterstock

  • You Can Still Trust Even If You’ve Been Deceived

    You Can Still Trust Even If You’ve Been Deceived

    Mistrust

    “You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~Frank Crane

    “Ah, it is difficult to trust people nowadays!” Heard that one lately?

    The implication is that trust is something you receive and that everyone else controls it and can give it. Do you believe that?

    Just before Christmas I was hired by a contractor to do a renovation job. The work was in a pharmacy, and we agreed on an hourly rate.

    It was not difficult to trust him; after all, it was clearly a working business and I expected to be paid. So I worked one afternoon and the whole following day, eleven hours in fact, constructing a wall, putting up dry wall and finishing it.

    On the second day I dislocated my finger while working. Badly. However, I continued to work, thinking it was less severe than I thought.

    It was during this day that I started to distrust the contractor, as he was saying I needed to work faster, and that he wanted to change the contract to a fixed price.

    I explained that he had a choice to pay me up until that point, or agree on a price for the job. He wanted me to do another wall the following day, and offered me a price to complete the job, basically limiting my hourly rate.

    That night I had a swollen finger and was in a lot of pain. I actually had to have my wedding ring cut off my finger at the local hospital.

    Since I was severly injured, I was unable to return the following day, and I emailed and texted the contractor. I felt more unease about him, as he did not respond to my messages.

    A week later it was time to receive payment. I chased down the contractor, knowing what was due. He did not respond.

    Eventually he answered my calls and said he had no intention of paying because he had decided to change the walls.

    I explained that was not a reason to not pay for work done, and that I would take him to court. In the end he paid me a pittance for the work, less than the minimum wage, and only one quarter of what I was due.

    Surprisingly, it is not difficult for me to continue to trust humanity, though I can’t trust that that particular contractor will pay his workers.

    What was difficult was accepting the reality that he did not pay what was due, and considering my options. I decided that karma was best for him to learn, even though I had taken photos of my completed work and would have won in the local small claims court.

    I just have better things to do with my time than concentrate on what karma is better able to handle.

    Will that experience affect my trust next time I am offered work?

    I hope not, because I don’t want to carry my view of that negative experience into the next encounter I have, business or otherwise. But it should and will certainly affect my behavior.

    You see, my behavior in assessing how much to trust is within my control, while how the other person behaves is outside my control.

    In other words, trust is something I do, and it is not done to me. That bad behavior regarding the renovation is not about my trust; it is about his trustworthiness.

    I accept that this one person doesn’t represent humanity as a whole.

    I choose not to have it affect my trust in future people that I do not know, but I register dis-trust in that particular person. In some ways I have learned from the experience, patience and forgiveness at least.

    I recognize that I played a role in this event.

    It always takes two to tango, and clearly he did not want me to have an ongoing relationship, or he would not have acted that way.

    Why did he act as he did? Was my work not of sufficient quality? Was it just a short-term need that he could take advantage and then not pay? Or was it that he had intended to pay and ran out of money, cutting me out as the last one hired?

    I accept that I could have done things differently.

    I did not ask for a signed contract, and I had to finish early because I had dislocated my finger. Perhaps he was unable to trust me—that I indeed had to go to hospital to have it repaired, and hence could not return to do further work.

    I think that most of the time we see trust as dependent on someone else. But there will always be untrustworthy behaviors, so if we gauge our trust on what we see out there, we are doomed to live in fear, not trusting anyone.

    The famed statesman, poet and writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” I would like to add to that: “If you are aware of your own failures to be trustworthy, you will know how to accept others more.”

    I do trust myself. And now two months later I have a swollen finger to remind me to be cautious with promises that are made to me, especially when my intuition warns me to access what’s really going on.

    Final summary: Don’t assume you can’t trust anyone because one person was untrustworthy. You can’t control what everyone else does—and some people may deceive you—but you can control what you do, who you choose to trust, and what you learn from each experience.

    Upset girl image via Shutterstock