Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Why We Might Feel Lonely and What to Do About It

    Why We Might Feel Lonely and What to Do About It

    Lonely Woman

    “We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.” ~Dorothy Day

    Throughout my life it’s been really hard to admit when I’ve felt lonely.

    I’ve been through intense periods where I have been without others.

    I’ve been surrounded by people yet have felt no real connections.

    The people I have loved have been physically or emotionally absent.

    I’ve simply been alone over weekends, over weeks, over months, over years, and it has been grueling and horrible.

    I found I had to monitor how much I shared with friends and family about how terribly lonely I felt, and that many resisted hearing it.

    I have been through periods when I’ve been successful and periods where my life has fallen into devastation; loneliness has been a part of both.

    In our society to admit loneliness seems like a big admission of failure. It’s uncomfortable to hear. The subtext is that our loneliness is a result of our inability to make connections. It’s all our fault.

    I don’t know about that. I think it’s time that we understood that we are not alone in our loneliness, and it has more to do with the society we live in than anything else.

    Experts are now saying that loneliness is becoming an epidemic, particularly in western societies.

    Governments are just starting to see loneliness as an issue that has serious repercussions on our health and well-being. It’s become obvious to the structures that govern and to those that study us that loneliness is an issue that needs to be addressed.

    Where Did This Epidemic Come From?

    The fact is that humans aren’t used to being so alone. We’ve had literally hundreds of thousands of years of programming for living in groups.

    Groups were important in keeping us alive. Our children were reared by the group. Meal times were a group affair. Groups were crucial in protecting us from predators and finding food.

    Groups played a part in helping us to advance as a species over our distant cousins, the chimpanzees. We were really good at hanging out, chewing the fat, having some intergroup fighting, and making up with group hugs.

    About 250 years ago the industrial revolution changed all that. Machines replaced the things we could do by hand. Stuff could be produced in mass quantities, which meant that we didn’t need to go down to Mrs Grumblebutt’s cottage for butter, or Arg Arg Arg’s corner of the cave for mammoth meat.

    Two hundred and fifty years is not long time if we consider that modern humans hung in groups for at least 100,000 years.

    This short, sharp change started to cause the dissipation of communities, as we no longer needed to rely on each other but on the system to meet our needs. We could live further apart, raise the height of our fences, and function as independent but separated beings.

    So there it is. It’s simple stuff, I know. We all know that it happened, but when we are crying in our houses we just need to remember that this has only just happened. Only just a little over 250 years ago things were different.

    We changed because our mechanism for survival changed from groups to a system, so it’s asking a lot to expect that a species that has had thousands of years of genetic programming for group living should all of a sudden live separately.

    Turning the Tide

    I think we still need groups for survival, maybe not so much anymore for the food in our mouths, but for everything else—for a chat, for help with working through issues, for a shared direction, a shared passion, for a fight or two if that’s what’s needed, for care, and for hugs.

    We don’t talk so much about pestilence or camels or carving sticks anymore, but there’s lots we need to discuss, such as how to fix a tap, climate change, cake recipes, sadness, music, politics—the list goes on.

    The rise of online communities is evidence that we are programmed for group living, but we really do need face-to-face contact, as that’s what we are used to as a species, whether it be through hobbies, friendships, families, or building better societies. We need to revive our tribes!

    So what’s stopping us from being part of a face-to-face group? One of the remedies for loneliness is within our grasp, so why aren’t we doing anything about it?

    Part of it could have to do with the recent rise of the ridiculously busy movement that seems to have appeared in response to loneliness. It’s about filling one’s life up so there’s no time to feel alone, and it has a particular call and response mechanism.

    “How are you?”

    “I’m so super duper busy. How are you?”

    “I’m ridiculously crazy over-the-top busy.”

    Hmmmm. Being ridiculously busy is not a badge of honor but evidence of imbalance. It’s not surprising that our culture has invented it, as there’s such a big gap to fill, but it’s not the way forward.

    It’s logical that ridiculously busy people get worn out and can feel even lonelier in the process.

    If one is rushing around, there’s little time to forge deeper bonds and be there for others. It’s rewarding and stimulating in the short term, but self-defeating in the long run.

    Many of you could argue that you are ridiculously busy as a result of society and its demands, but I would say that busyness is a choice, and we need to ask ourselves why we have made these choices.

    Was it to fill some gaping hole? Is it necessarily your fault that the hole is there as per the discussion above?

    When I think about my friends and family and their resistance to hearing about my feelings of loneliness, I realize there’s a very real possibility they felt this underlying loneliness too.

    Maybe underneath all those layers of busyness there was a gaping hole, and hearing about someone else’s loneliness was too much of a trigger for theirs.

    The problem with the ridiculously busy movement is that there’s no longer any time to hang out. All engagement must be scheduled. We don’t have time to ask of each other what we truly need. We don’t feel we have a right to do so.

    So what’s the answer? How can we feel less lonely?

    We need to reduce the amount of things we are doing, to see the formation of a group or groups as a priority, and to thank the system sincerely for supporting us but to make a firm commitment to working out how we can support each other. We need our tribes.

    Alternatively, if we aren’t busy and feel terribly lonely, then we’ve got plenty of time to get on our sneakers and get out to find the tribes that we’ve lost. We need to honor our programming.

    I know that there will be resistance and fear associated with making any of these moves, as we’ve put up a lot of gates between us over the last couple hundred years, but we’ve got to swallow this fear and go for it.

    Feel comfort from the fact that it’s the path that almost everyone else in our bloodline walked, so we do have some good intuitive backing to help us.

    Building Community with Self

    As well as being fierce about re-establishing our tribes, there’s something else that might help with loneliness.

    Most people in tribal communities had a role. They made shoes, rubbed goat dung on sick people, made swords and crossbows and feather dusters when they were feeling more peaceful.

    I’ve found one of the absolute keys to feeling less lonely is to ask myself, “If I could be anything, what would I be in the village? How would I serve others?”

    The beauty of asking this question is that we are actually asking who am I? We are getting to know ourselves.

    If we tune in to what we really want, we are ultimately not going to have to ignore or run away from our deepest needs.

    Obviously direction or purpose is just part of the puzzle of getting to know ourselves, but it’s a good place to start.

    I’ve found that honoring my calling as a writer has been absolutely fundamental in feeling comfortable with myself, and I’m far more able to handle times of loneliness and rejoice in times of connection.

    All this comes with the big caveat that society is, once again, not particularly encouraging of this type of thinking, and will do lots of things to put up barriers and fears to stop us from doing and being what we want. Society has created a structure, and there’s an incredible amount of pressure to conform to it.

    That said, it’s worth it to be able to sit down with yourself and say, “I’m happy with you. Finally you are doing what I’ve been asking for all along.”

    Let’s call this process self-talk, self-community, building a helpful dialogue in ourselves. The bottom line is that when we are happy with ourselves and are listening to our beautiful inner voice, we feel a lot less lonely.

    Calling in the Tribe

    So there it is. A little exploration into why we are lonely and what to do about it.

    Feeling lonely is not your fault. Our society has thrown us a bit of a curveball and now it’s time to throw that ball right on back, spit on a wall, build a bonfire, and have a super huge hug with ourselves and someone lovely.

    And right now, I’m also sending you that hug across the campfire, ‘cause that’s what tribe members do.

    Lonely woman image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Secrets to Falling in Love Every Day

    4 Secrets to Falling in Love Every Day

    Girl with Heart Shaped Glasses

    “It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” ~John Bulwer

    I am very fortunate to have come from a loving family. My family members have a wide range of personalities, and even though they’re all very opinionated, they are not judgmental in the least.

    Growing up around these amazing people allowed me to recognize that superficial differences don’t matter much when people share a profound love.

    Regardless of whether you’ve experienced this type of bond, you’re probably familiar with the benefits of love.

    Love acts as a buffer against stress and helps you avoid being overcome by negative emotions.

    Even when you feel frustrated, anxious, or annoyed, you can still be aware of a certain blissfulness that exists outside your current mood. Studies have shown that love helps you feel more nurturing, socially connected, motivated, and inspired; it also fosters a feeling of overall happiness.

    What Is That Loving Feeling?

    All these benefits are amazing, but what about romantic love? You know, that heart-pounding, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling you get when you’re around your beloved? Those romantic sensations come from the brain’s dopamine-rich reward center. Romantic love also triggers brain regions rich in oxytocin, which is a chemical that helps us bond with others.

    These areas of the brain are the same as those associated with desire, addiction, and euphoric states, so it’s no surprise that new love really can feel like being under the influence of a drug.

    Now, you might think that love—or the feeling that we perceive as love—doesn’t last.

    Just as your body builds up a tolerance to a drug, the feelings of arousal, fear, and reward that come with the anticipation of something new can fade as a relationship matures. However, to say that the feeling of love itself disappears would be a mistake in perception.

    As time goes on, those butterflies are replaced by more trust. It’s still love, but it’s a different stage of love.

    Your initial focus on compatibility turns to a more complex understanding of what you like and don’t like about your partner as you get to know him or her better. The process of falling in love is really meant to serve as a way into this deeper, more complex understanding of another human being.

    How to Fall in Love Every Day

    Staying in a loving state isn’t a matter of finding your soul mate; it’s a state of mind or being. It’s a willingness to purposefully connect with another person, and it’s not nearly as difficult as it sounds. If you want to feel connected and in love every single day:

    1. Look for the good.

    Deliberately focus on things you like about three to five people in your life, and write down those things. This act of gratitude can boost your happiness, and focusing on what you like about a person can bring you closer to love by triggering positive feelings.

    2. Find commonalities.

    Sometimes I joke that I want to hug everyone at an airport. On a literal level, this sounds a little intrusive, but it’s just a metaphor for my delight in the connections we have to one another. When you recognize your connections to other people, the love you feel for them is the same love you feel for your family and friends.

    Ask yourself what you have in common with the people with whom you spend a lot of time, either in a personal setting or a professional one. This will help your brain feel more synchronized and in a state of harmony.

    3. Pay attention.

    Too often, we take important people for granted. If you already have someone you love in your life, deliberately attend to him or her in person, or keep a reminder of your love nearby. Deliberate attention stimulates the brain’s reward center and makes us feel good.

    4. Meditate.

    Meditation calms the mental chatter and helps your brain feel less anxious. Love will come more easily as you find yourself at peace with the world through this practice.

    Imagine the beauty of a world where people experienced love daily, a world in which the connection between beings was recognized and celebrated by all. That world would be filled with people who were engaged, tolerant, and less violent.

    —

    The idea of “falling in love” is most valuable if we view it in terms of how we are all connected by a unified consciousness. Use the above techniques to find greater compassion in challenging circumstances or simply as your contribution to improving a world in need.

    This is not a fake state of pretending to be connected, but rather a genuine effort to express the full power of connection that you possess. Love is the gateway to a much larger consciousness if you use it to transcend rather than simply appease the self.

    Girl with heart-shaped glasses image via Shutterstock

  • Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship

    Improve Your Communication: How to Address Big Issues in Your Relationship

    Couple Looking at Each Other

    “Communication works for those who work at it.” ~John Powell

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. He’s a great guy. We get along well, we complement each other, and we have a lot of fun when we’re together.

    Still, despite our mutual desire for a great relationship, we occasionally run into roadblocks, otherwise known as growth points.

    Recently we’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch while revisiting unresolved dramas. What enables us to handle these dramas well is our willingness to show up and communicate.

    Through our three years together, I’ve learned a few things about effective communication. If you’ve found it difficult to share your thoughts and feelings and work through issues in your relationship, this may help.

    1. Schedule a time to talk.

    This is most important when it comes to discussing the heavier subject matter of your relationship.

    Even though I know this and I follow this rule regularly, an impulsive side of me failed to abide by this rule in one of my most recent discussions with my boyfriend. And I paid the price.

    We were lying in bed one night and the topic of concern came up. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt like I just had to say something. I decided to open the can of worms right then and there. He did not like that.

    He felt ambushed, which is understandable, right? I didn’t give him the opportunity to prepare. He had no idea what was coming!

    He got angry. He closed down. And, in turn, I didn’t feel heard and thought he didn’t care about my feelings.

    In reality, I didn’t do what I know is best to do: schedule a time to have a conversation. So, even though I let myself get upset and hurt about it, it was my responsibility to broach the conversation from a different angle. I had to let go of my hurt feelings and honestly examine where I dropped the ball.

    If I had scheduled a time to talk, then he would have been more willing to communicate with me. Honoring other people and their feelings allows both parties to fully show up, be heard, and hash things out collaboratively.

    2. Know your desires and intentions.

    Returning to the same scenario as above: I eventually decided to ask him for an appropriate time to talk. We agreed on dinnertime the next night.

    As we sat down and the conversation opened up, I decided to share with him my intention and desire for the conversation, beyond the topic for discussion.

    My true intention was to have open, clear, loving, positive, and collaborative communication with him. It’s important for me to be in a relationship in which conscious communication is the mainframe.

    I used the analogy that if either of us were unhappy about something and the other person or both of us were unwilling to communicate about it, then that would be like sticking a thorn in our relationship and choosing to allow it to deteriorate. It’s sweeping matters under the rug instead of dealing with them straight on.

    By sharing this, he immediately opened up because he knew where I was coming from and that my intention was positive and for the good of our relationship. He could relate to that because he desires and intends the same thing.

    3. Be prepared to lead the conversation.

    If you plan a time to talk with your partner about an issue in your relationship, be prepared to lead the way.

    My boyfriend and I have had several deep conversations over the last few months. So, at this point, I knew it was best for me to be prepared.

    In the past, when I failed to gather my thoughts in advance, I fumbled over my words and wasn’t quite sure what to say. I knew what the topic of conversation was, but I failed to produce anything productive, at least, not right off the bat.

    And finally…

    4. Take responsibility for, honor, and share your feelings.

    It wasn’t until I started sharing my feelings, without blaming (i.e. “I feel angry…”), that I started to feel heard and the conversation felt worthwhile.

    If I had continued to hide how I felt and just talked about how to solve the problem, then I would have continued to feel like something was wrong. And when that occurs, the first thing that comes to mind is that this communication thing just doesn’t work. I eventually want to withdraw.

    Facilitating communication with another goes both ways. I had to learn what works to open me up, as well as what will allow him to feel safe to open up as well.

    —

    Communication is crucial for healthy relationships. We develop intimacy as we learn to navigate each other’s rocky inner terrain, continually allowing the other to feel deeply loved and safer in our presence.

    Following these simple and practical steps can make communication much easier—and much more effective.

    Couple looking at each other image via Shutterstock

  • How to Smile More Every Day (Even if Life Isn’t Perfect)

    How to Smile More Every Day (Even if Life Isn’t Perfect)

    Smiling Girl

     “A smile is happiness you’ll find right under your nose.” ~Tom Wilson

    I smile a lot.

    In fact, yesterday I smiled eighty-seven times (I counted).

    These aren’t fake smiles. They’re big, toothy, open-mouthed grins. And they’ve become a regular feature of my everyday life because I’ve been overcome with an immense happiness.

    Everything I see, touch, breathe, and taste brings me delight.

    It’s totally spontaneous and outrageously fun, and I want to share with you how it’s done.

    What I Smile At

    It could be the subtle texture of construction grating.

    It could be the way a flower pops out of the background at an unforeseen moment.

    It could be the way the sunlight glints off the window in the early morning.

    But the thing that’s powering all these smiles is very simple.

    Gratitude.

    Most people smile when they get something.

    We all like to smile when we receive a compliment, a surprise visit from a friend, or a big paycheck.

    In other words, we’re happy when we receive a direct benefit.

    But the way I see it, I’m the direct benefiter of everything happening around me.

    The caw of a crow, the taste of a mandarin orange, the sound of a truck passing.

    All of these things have made me smile today. I receive all of these things and am glad because of them.

    So how can you smile more?

    It’s simple really.

    Be grateful for everything in your life.

    It’s amazing what positive effects we experience once we begin to say, “Thank you!” for everything.

    Thanks for the gift of life. Thanks for a delicious meal. Thanks for the smile of a stranger.

    But the weird (and powerful) change I invite you to make is this:

    Give thanks for even the seemingly negative things that come into your life.

    Illness, pain, and loss are some of the most powerful teachers we have available. They reflect back to us the ways in which we need to grow. They show us the power that’s within us.

    And they show us that life is incredibly precious.

    For a few years I was in a really dark place. No home, no friends, no money. I slept outdoors in unfamiliar towns. I ate food stolen from dumpsters. I went days without talking to a single soul.

    There were frigid nights when I would sleep in a construction site. I would curl up in the cab of an unlocked bulldozer because my body heat could warm the tiny compartment just enough to sleep a few hours before the crew came in at 6AM.

    I was low.

    But I appreciate this experience because it gave me fortitude to live anywhere. I no longer worry that I’ll be able to survive without food or shelter, because in tough situations, you get creative. You get resourceful. And you stop being afraid to ask for help.

    Pay attention to the smallest details.

    Right now I’m staring into the red of my ceramic coffee cup and just smiling my ears off. It’s too perfect not to.

    But the coffee cup isn’t really just red.

    As I look closer, I see infinite shades glancing off the glaze.

    It’s reflecting the candy-cane stripes on a packet of sugar lying in the dish.

    It’s reflecting a page of notes I’ve got in front of me.

    And it’s following all the laws of light and shading, showing its brightest fire-truck vermillion face to the sun on one side, and a shadowy, murky maroon on the other.

    Truly a glorious thing.

    These details of experience are accessible to us everywhere, and they show us that no two things are alike.

    Even things that we find offensive are opportunities for thankfulness once we begin to appreciate their details.

    Plastic bottles on the street or decaying fruit, for example.

    They all contain such marvellous detail that when you stop and pay attention, you can’t help but smile in thanks.

    Write down your blessings.

    Thousands of great things happen to us every day but we only seem to remember a few, while we remember most of the dull, unfortunate, or painful things that happen to us.

    That’s not our fault; it’s just the way our brains are wired.

    But we can overcome it.

    That’s why it can be helpful to keep a notebook to jot down all the great things that happen to you daily.

    Reflect on it when you’re feeling down. You’ll notice that even on your lowest days, things happened that touched you, that blessed you.

    Don’t forget them!

    Look at what is, not what isn’t.

    Every time I look around, I think, “Wow, I’ve got a great life.”

    I don’t have a lot. And yet, I live the happiest life imaginable because I’m looking at what is, not what isn’t.

    Oftentimes we get caught up in worries about the future, giving substance to our negative thoughts.

    We think, “If only I had a bit more money to pay the bills.”

    “If only I didn’t have to worry about these aches and pains.”

    “If only I had a little more time to spend with my family.”

    Life isn’t the fantasies you have in your head—it’s what’s happening right now! All the great things around you are yours.

    The sunshine hitting your face.

    The smile of your kids and grandkids.

    The exhilaration of going for a run and feeling your blood rush about in your marvellous arms and legs.

    That’s all for you. And it makes me smile.

    What made you smile today?

    Smiling girl image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Ways to Slow Down and Take Better Care of Yourself

    3 Ways to Slow Down and Take Better Care of Yourself

    Buddha

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    It’s interesting how easily we forget to appreciate the simple day-to-day luxuries that we are granted with our body.

    We assume that as we exhale, there will always be an inhalation to follow.

    We assume that when we lay our head down on our pillow at night, our heart will beat, our blood will flow, and we will open our eyes in the morning.

    We go on day after day, running around with a mile-long to-do list without taking a moment to check in with our body to acknowledge how it’s feeling today.

    Oftentimes, our health and well-being end up last on that list of priorities.

    We pretend we are superhuman, existing on caffeine from Starbucks in place of adequate sleep and snacks from the vending machine in place of meals.

    Maybe (hopefully) you haven’t gotten to this extreme yet, but a lot of us are. And I bet you can relate to this lack of self-care and preservation at least on some level.

    Sorry to burst all of our bubbles, but this style of living is not sustainable (nor is it healthy, but you already knew that). We can’t go on like this, ignoring our health and well-being forever, as hard as we may try.

    When we go-go-go without giving our body the nourishment and care that it needs to thrive, our body begins to give us the sign that it needs attention.

    Hey, take care of me.

    Hey, I need rest.

    Hey, let’s slow down.

    Ahem, I’m serious. I’m really exhausted, foggy, and need some downtime.

    It’s starts out as fatigue, but then we don’t listen. So it gets a little louder, and then louder, until eventually we have no other option but to slow down and rest. Think sickness, or worse, dis-ease.

    I’ve been on this kick lately, talking and thinking a lot about how we measure ourselves up against these standards that are set so high, not even a super hero could measure up.

    We strive for perfection in the eyes of our peers at the expense of our health and true happiness.

    For what? What are we trying to prove? We believe that once we hit that pinnacle of success then we can relax, be happy, be good enough, and will have made it.

    But the reality is that the only finish line is death, and those things that we think are going to finally prove that we are important aren’t. It’s human nature to want more. And chasing validation to prove our worthiness is the biggest “silent killer” of all.

    There is nothing we need to prove to anyone. We are worthy now. Who we are and where we are right now is enough.

    This moment, right here, is where our pot of gold is. We just have to give ourselves permission to see it as so.

    And without our health, how could we ever experience these beautiful things that make life so meaningful?

    It’s often last on our list of priorities, and yet, when you stop and think about it, our health is the most important of all.

    Our body is our vehicle. It is what allows us to experience life. It’s our five senses, our ability to laugh and feel joy, to embrace our loved ones, to share an intimate connection, to sing, to dance, and play.

    There would be no such thing as life without this body. Yet, often we treat it so poorly.

    For years I would treat my body worse than any enemy. I would talk to it with disrespect and hatred. I would say things about my body that I would never in a million years say about a loved one.

    I would deprive it of food, and then binge out of comfort, sometimes on food, other times on alcohol.

    I would go periods without much sleep and not much movement and exercise, and then during other periods of my life I would exercise for hours in hopes of changing the way my body looked because in my eyes, it wasn’t good enough.

    It’s hard for me to think back to the abuse I put my body through. This body that has always been there for me, supporting me through it all.

    This body that today is so vibrant, so alive, so beautiful—to think of how hard I was on it. It just goes to show you how amazing this miracle of a machine the human body truly is. It can recover and rebuild from so much.

    If you can relate and you aren’t sure how to start treating your body the way it deserves to be treated, I am here to help (and as you can see, I speak from experience).

    Here are three steps to upping your self-care game so you can treat your precious body like the gift that it is.

    1. Nourish it.

    I love the word nourishment as it applies to all things related to well-being, healing, and self-care. Nourish your body in every way you can—with nutrient-rich, tasty food, movement, and even mentally, with supportive, loving thoughts.

    ACTION STEP

    Take an inventory of all of these areas (food, movement, thoughts/self-talk). In what ways can you step up your game and choose options that are more nourishing to your body and spirit?

    Make those adjustments and pay attention to the difference in how you feel. Continue to refine and adjust until your life as a whole is filled with experiences and things that fill you up and energize you rather than exhaust you.

    2. Calendar it.

    The key to making time for self-care is treating it like any other VIP appointment. Things like workouts, cooking yourself a nourishing, tasty meal, exercise, massage, time with friends, romantic evenings with your partner, and fun with the kids are all important “fill-you-up” type activities.

    Prioritize your priorities by carving out the time in your schedule for the things that matter to you most.

    ACTION STEP

    Pull out your calendar and take a look at where you spend the majority of your time. Now think about this for a moment: What are your top three priorities?

    Evaluate whether or not the things you spend the majority of your time doing match up with what’s most important to you.

    Make adjustments as necessary to block out time for self-care and the other things that are most important to you in life.

    You may need to bow out of some commitments or hand off some responsibilities that are not important for you yourself to be taking care of, in order to create this space in your schedule for the things that do matter most.

    3. Start single-tasking.

    We multitask a lot, which you probably don’t know is tough on the body. For example, it’s hard for your body to prepare for and focus on the process of eating and digestion when you are trying to do it while driving, reading, or doing any of the other things we try to do while eating.

    Create an environment of ease and relaxation for your body as often as possible, especially while eating.

    I know in this day and age that might seem impossible, but it’s not. The key is in stripping away some of those responsibilities and “trying to measure up” type things we do in order to create more time for being present.

    ACTION STEP

    Multitask less, be present in the moment more. Life is so much more enjoyable when you are engaged and present versus on your phone texting, Facebooking, or talking to somebody that is not even present with you, all of the time.

    So often I look around while I’m at a restaurant and I see tables upon tables of people sitting there across from each other, but rather than connecting, talking, and being present with each other, they are both looking down typing on their phones.

    It’s so confusing to me. Why do we even get together in person if the person we’re with isn’t actually who we want to be connecting with?

    Put down your phone, look somebody in the eye, and have a moment together. Trust me, it’s way more rewarding than whatever communicating you are doing on your phone. Text later, engage in this moment more.

    —

    The more you practice taking really good care of your body, the more it will reward you with good health, tons of clarity, energy, and the ability to experience all the good that life has to offer for years to come!

    Treat your precious body with love and kindness. This is your body—yours—and it’s the only one you’ve got.

    Buddha statue image via Shutterstock

  • 9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

    9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

    Angry Women

    “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ~Mark Twain

    I am in serious danger, and I think you might be too.

    I am in danger of becoming a grumpy old person. I get angry easily. I operate on a short fuse, ready to snap or explode at the littlest thing.

    I could blame it on a combination of genetics and environment. My father seems to have only two moods, and one of them is angry.

    He is like a volcano and can explode at any moment. And I don’t mean he’s just cranky or that he yells.

    No. When he loses it, he really loses it. Emotionally and physically.

    He tenses every muscle in his body, clenches his fists, sticks his jaw out, and says things like, “Eeeoourgh!!!”

    He is a fireball of white-hot fury. Irrational, unreasonable, and perverse.

    As a child, I never knew whether I would be hugged or hit. I desperately wanted his approval and love, but often I incurred his wrath.

    As a teenager, I learned to fight back, yell as loudly, and be as demanding as he was. As an adult, I learned two key components that comprise anger.

    There’s the emotion that can envelope you in a moment, instantly causing you to become irrational and almost uncontrollable. And there are the situations or environments that have the potential to lead to anger, if we let them.

    I could let anger rule my life, but I refuse to do that, damn it! So I employ some simple anger management techniques instead.

    I am still in serious danger, but with these tools, I think I’ve found a way out.

    1. Follow a process.

    Create a process for managing situations that often trigger anger. When someone does something that upsets you, take a deep breath and trust in the process.

    One process I use to express my feelings calmly is to describe the behavior and explain my emotional response.

    So, I’d say something like, “When you yell at me, I feel hurt and upset,” or, “When you behave this way, I feel really angry.” It helps identify the problem and my emotions. It also helps me feel in control and prevents me from resorting to useless, blaming behavior.

    2. Tap it out.

    Try a little tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT is a healing tool that helps reduce deep emotional responses so we can manage our lives more calmly.

    The whole EFT process includes a tapping routine and a mantra, but I find a simplified version just as effective.

    When you feel an intense emotion, just use your first two fingers and tap your collarbone until you feel calmer. If you start tapping quickly and then gradually slow your rhythm, you’ll find yourself calming down.

    Sometimes, when I feel like tensing up and yelling, “Eeeoourgh!” myself, I go to the bathroom and tap until I feel calmer. Then I can handle the situation rationally.

    3. Think about your belly button.

    Centering is a super-simple technique that even a child can use. All you do is focus your mind on your belly button, or rather, just a smidge below your belly button.

    As you focus, tense those muscles and draw your belly button in toward your spine. If you’ve done any Pilates or yoga, you’ll be familiar with these deep abdominal muscles.

    Doing this exercise is truly calming and empowering. It puts you in a state of calm control, so you’re less likely to react and lash out. I sometimes close my eyes for a moment and focus on my belly button. When I open my eyes and continue centering, I can operate more calmly and coherently.

    4. Lighten up.

    Anger appears when we’re frustrated, but if you stand back from the situation a little, you might see it’s quite ludicrous. Not always, but often. Before you blow your stack, stand back and see if you can find something silly about what’s happening.

    I remember being frustrated by an organization I worked for when they arranged a breakfast for us to discuss strategies to improve our work-life balance.

    They wanted us to get up hours earlier than usual and spend extra time with our colleagues so we could talk about ways we could spend less time with them. How ridiculous!

    5. Practice daily calm.

    We can experience anger and frustration almost daily, and the more we experience it, the more it becomes our way of operating.

    When you commit to practicing daily calm, you counteract the anger. You practice something much more beneficial to your health and well-being.

    This doesn’t have to be hard. Just spend a moment or two doing nothing, whenever you can. Sit quietly and realize that you’re doing nothing, and see how calming it is.

    6. Get curious. 

    The next time you find your anger rising, divert your energy into curiosity. Get really curious about the other person’s perspective.

    Keep asking questions until you fully understand the other person’s opinion. Once you do, you’ll be in a better position to discover a solution that suits everyone.

    Recently, my daughter was extremely trying, and I saw red. I drew in my breath, preparing to yell at her. But somehow, in the split second of inhaling, I thought, I just need to follow the process.

    Instead of yelling, I reflected her feelings to get to the bottom of why she was behaving so poorly. I got curious about the cause of her behavior, and together we created a solution to the problem.

    Instead of an angry interaction that would rip our relationship apart, we had a truly productive, useful talk that brought us together.

    7. Hug a tree.

    If you feel yourself spinning out of control with anger, you can become grounded by literally grounding yourself. Hug a tree, lay on the ground, or sit with your back to a large, solid oak.

    Connecting yourself to the ground in this way will make you feel both physically and emotionally supported, calm, and stable.

    Grounding strategies help you detach from strong emotions. They help you gain control over your feelings so that you can get back in control.

    If you need a more portable strategy than an oak tree, try putting a small stone in your pocket. When you start feeling overwhelmed by emotion, reach into your pocket and focus on the stone—notice its texture, size, and temperature. This action focuses you on reality and stabilizes your emotions.

    8. Close the argument room.

    There’s a Monty Python skit where Michael Palin pays for an argument in the argument room. We often do the equivalent of asking for an argument by starting discussions that go nowhere or pushing our opinions onto people who don’t want them.

    We should always ask ourselves if going into the argument room is worth it.

    When my father rants, I often let him go. I don’t want to engage with him because I’d be entering the argument room, and for what? I’d end up cranky and frustrated, without achieving anything.

    9. Look beneath the anger.

    Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks the true feelings beneath it. The next time you feel angry, look inside and see if your anger is masking another deeper emotion.

    If you can discover the underlying emotion, you can address the real reason behind your emotional response.

    Think about the last time someone cut you off when you were driving. The moment it happens a chill of fear runs through you, and then it’s quickly replaced by frustration and resentment.

    Or, consider the last time you were running late and someone seemed to be delaying you. Underneath your anger may be self-loathing regarding how you didn’t prepare better, guilt for making someone wait, or fear of the consequences of your late arrival.

    Anger is the secondary emotion.

    The Truth About Anger

    It’s a powerful, all-encompassing emotion.

    Well harnessed, it can drive us to achieve great things. We can use it to fight injustice, increase confidence, and create focus. Think Erin Brockovich, Alanis Morissette, and Steve Jobs.

    But it can also ruin our relationships, damage our reputations, and make us hard to love. Think Naomi Campbell, Mel Gibson, and Charlie Sheen.

    That grumpy old person we talked about? Their anger is unchecked, and it’s become a front.

    A way of interacting with people. A mask to hide behind.

    And no one can live a great life if they’re hiding.

    It’s far better to have the courage to face the world, and your problems, head on. To discover what’s really under that anger, and address the true problem.

    The next time you feel your anger flare up, you can hide behind it, or you can dig deep into self-reflection and deal with what you find.

    Which will you choose?

    Angry woman image via Shutterstock

  • That Person Who Irritates You Could Be Your Greatest Teacher

    That Person Who Irritates You Could Be Your Greatest Teacher

    Couple Arguing Image via Shutterstock

    “The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~Byron Katie 

    On the bus home from Disney World, my best friend sputtered, “Angela, you are such a huge control freak!”

    First, I went into an angry rage. I accused her, “How dare you call me a control freak! I planned this whole trip.”

    Next, I resorted to pouting and pointing my finger at her, listing every possible way she was the control freak.

    I was in complete victim mode. Classic, right? Little did I know that this incident would be an important self-growth tool for me.

    She returned to her seat and I started to reflect on her comment in silence. I realized that I was indeed a massive control freak. I planned everything. For example, in group projects, I volunteered to do all the work so I would get a good grade instead of trusting my teammates.

    I’ve come to realize that constantly trying to control people is very harmful. They stop believing that you trust them and let you do all the work. I am not superman and people are capable of stepping up. 

    The same goes with life situations. I’ve had a lot of success living in the life I want, because I’m very assertive and control situations. But honestly, it makes me miserable and I would much rather sit and back and let the universe take care of it.

    My mother always told me that what you resist or dislike in someone else can usually be found in yourself. I realized the qualities that I found annoying in other people, especially my father, were his controlling qualities. Then I realized that those qualities were very prominent in myself.

    I know now it had to take someone as close as my best friend to wake me up and realize how much I tried to control situations. She’s a friend who knows everything about me and, therefore, I hold her opinion very highly in mind.

    I could have been a victim and blamed her for being cruel or picking out my greatest faults. Instead, I sincerely appreciate her for opening my eyes into how much self-work I still needed to do. 

    When I look back on my life, I can see how all of my relationships have taught me so many lessons. My ex-boyfriend and I got together like most young couples, looking for someone to fix the other and fill up an empty hole that we could only fill.

    Instead, we ended up being extremely codependent and very unhappy. I did not treat myself well during that period of time, and he reflected that perfectly to me by treating me exactly how I treated myself.

    Now, I try and love myself to the fullest and am more confident than I’ve been in a long time. I am so thankful that he came into my life and demonstrated to me how I treated myself. He was a mirror and the perfect partner I needed at that time in my life.

    I went back even further and examined the difficult relationship I have with my father. We have never been close and since childhood I’ve always been resentful of his, in my opinion, mean-spirited nature and how distant he seemed to me.

    Now, I realize that he has been such a gift in my life. If I had never felt that pain, I probably would have never gone to see my life coach and found my inner light and source. I am so thankful that he brought me to her! What a different way to look at it.

    I’m not saying you should stay in an unhealthy relationship. There are certainly relationships and friendships that are worth avoiding.

    I do believe, though, that people come and go into our lives for certain reasons. And instead of perceiving their existence in our lives as negative, we should learn to see the positive differences they have made.

    I can assure you that holding onto resentment for someone in your past or present really only ends up hurting up you in the long run.

    So what do you do now? You forgive. You forgive yourself. You forgive the people who you believe caused transgressions against you in your life.

    When I realized that I am indeed a control freak; I forgave myself; I didn’t beat myself up. I look forward to letting that quality go in my life, but it served me a great purpose in my past. When I was weaker, it served as a great defense mechanism and made me feel important and in charge.

    Now I know that I am not in charge and can move on and eagerly wait for the next the relationships and friendships in my life to continue to teach me how to constantly improve myself.

    Couple arguing image via Shutterstock

  • A Life-Changing Guide for Emotionally Sensitive People (and a Giveaway!)

    A Life-Changing Guide for Emotionally Sensitive People (and a Giveaway!)

    Sad Girl Illustration

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen:

    You’re too sensitive. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Why are you letting that bother you? Why can’t you just let it go? Really, you’re crying? What’s wrong with you? 

    If you’re an emotionally sensitive person, like me, you may have heard some of these phrases throughout your life. And, like me, you may have concluded that your emotions made you tragically flawed.

    For the longest time, I felt a deep sense of shame about my sensitivity. And I found it difficult to deal with everyday life—not just because I felt everything so deeply and often reacted irrationally, but also because I absorbed other people’s feelings as if they were my own.

    I remember in elementary school when most of my peers had to get shots from the school nurse. I’d already gotten one at my pediatrician’s office, so I sat in the hallway as, one by one, they approached her office to meet certain doom.

    I could recall the fear and dread I’d felt in the moments before the needle pierced my skin, and I relived it, over and over again, as each student approached the door. In fact, my vicarious anxiety was so intense that I threw up, right there in the hallway.

    I didn’t just empathize with their pain—I felt it. Deeply. And repeatedly.

    I constantly felt emotionally overwhelmed, and often confused about the root of my feelings. All I knew was that I hurt—a lot—and I wanted to make it stop.

    When I first realized I wasn’t alone with my emotional sensitivity, it was like someone rubbed a soothing balm on the achy heart I wore on my sleeve.

    And it was even more liberating to realize I could leverage my sensitivity for good, as I have through Tiny Buddha.

    Suddenly, it wasn’t something I had to hide; it was something I could openly acknowledge and harness in a positive way.

    Still, I’ve had to work at managing my emotions, and I’ve had to learn to challenge destructive thoughts and behaviors that only exacerbate my pain.

    If you too experience intense emotions, you don’t need to feel bad about yourself, or powerless to your heightened sensitivity.

    Psychologist Karyn D. Hall has written a life-changing book that can help you manage your emotions so they don’t take over your life.

    The Emotionally Sensitive Person: Finding Peace When Your Emotions Overwhelm You offers proven strategies to identify emotional triggers, challenge negative thought patterns, and recover from emotions more quickly.

    I wish I’d read this book years ago. It’s insightful, practical, and chock-full of effective strategies to transform your sensitivity from a burden to a gift.

    I’m grateful that Karyn took the time to provide some incredibly detailed answers to my questions about emotional sensitivity, and that she’s provided two free copies of The Emotionally Sensitive Person for Tiny Buddha readers.

    Sensitive CoverThe Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The Emotionally Sensitive Person:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a copy of The Emotionally Sensitive Person http://bit.ly/1KZGNnL

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, May 22nd.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I’m a therapist who works with emotionally sensitive people and I’m an emotionally sensitive person too.

    I noticed that many people were suffering because they felt different, rejected, and flawed because of their emotional sensitivity. Many of them had heard statements like, “You’re just overreacting,” and “Stop being so dramatic,” for most of their lives.

    In my work I found that if emotionally sensitive people could understand and accept their sensitivity, and not judge themselves because of it, that could ease some of the suffering they experience. I also believe that learning to manage intense emotions is part of decreasing their suffering.

    Being emotionally sensitive is not an illness, but it does mean you are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression and other disorders. Judging and hating yourself for being sensitive is part of the pain and suffering that happens.

    I wanted to write a book that could help emotionally sensitive people accept their sensitivity and learn to manage their intense emotions to help them live the life they want to live.

    2. What causes emotional sensitivity?

    Emotional sensitivity is biological. Research shows that some individuals are born with more intense emotions, meaning you react faster to emotional situations, your emotions are more intense, and your emotions take longer to fade. Events in a person’s life could also influence that emotional sensitivity.

    3. Emotionally sensitive people, like myself, often feel shame for being this way. What can help people like me feel less ashamed, more accepting, and perhaps even proud of their emotional sensitivity?

    First of all, ask yourself if the shame you experience is based on facts. All emotions have a purpose, and the role of shame is to keep you from behaving in ways that would get you kicked out of groups that are critical to your survival.

    Most likely being an emotionally sensitive adult will not get you kicked out of important groups. Is the shame from being judged by others as flawed? Perhaps as a child? Maybe from people who didn’t understand? Perhaps give some thought as to what specifically the shame is about and how it came to be.

    So if shame is not justified, that being emotionally sensitive is not something that warrants shame, then consider that the way to overcome shame is to do the opposite behavior to that which shame urges you to do.

    Shame urges you to hide. So the opposite behavior is to not hide. To do the opposite is to look people in the eye, and stand up proud of your sensitivity. When people say, “You’re overreacting,” respond with pride, “Actually, this is exactly how I feel—I feel emotions intensely.”

    Many times it is the discomfort that other people have with emotions that leads them to criticize your emotional reactions.

    Our culture tends to value logical, analytical thinking. That doesn’t make their way better. In fact, emotionally sensitive people are the ones who become passionate about causes and make changes in the world. They are artists and caregivers and those who contribute to humanity.

    The positives of being emotionally sensitive are often overlooked. If you consider it very carefully, what could or are you proud of about your emotional sensitivity? Make a list and review it often. Keep the positives in your mind to help you keep a balanced view of your emotional sensitivity.

    Let yourself really see what your sensitivity is about—check out reality and let go of myths you might have accepted along the way about the “wrongness” of emotional sensitivity. Do you care intensely about others? Do you express yourself authentically?

    Another idea is to practice self-compassion in place of judging yourself. Respond to yourself as you would a friend who feels emotions strongly.

    If your emotional sensitivity leads to depression or anxiety or to behaviors that you know are not effective or helpful, then focus on changing the behaviors and learning ways to manage your emotional sensitivity that work for you rather than judging your sensitivity.

    It’s not wrong, it’s just different. Judging your sensitivity is like judging yourself for how short or tall you are. It just is. It’s not helpful to continually berate yourself for your height, and in the same way seeing your sensitivity as wrong or yourself as flawed only adds to your distress and suffering.

    4. What are the two different types of emotional sensitivity, and how do they manifest?

    The two types I’ve identified are reactive and avoidant. People who are reactive act on feelings without thinking and are very quick to respond to emotional triggers. They have strong impulses that come with their emotions. They can be spontaneous and fun and also may act in ways that cause difficulties for themselves.

    The avoidant type attempts to push away or avoid uncomfortable emotions and/or situations. The avoidant type might not attend gatherings if someone at the event was upset with her and would avoid other situations that might involve difficult feelings, such as confronting someone who owed her money or saying no to someone who asked for a favor.

    5. What are some things we can do to improve our ability to manage our emotions?

    There are many options to improve your ability to manage your emotions. One area is prevention.

    This means that you make sure that you get sufficient sleep, eat a nutritious diet, take prescribed medications, take care of your physical health, exercise, and create positive experiences to build your resiliency. Work to develop safe and emotionally intimate relationships so you have a support network.

    Let go of judging, stop avoiding your emotions, learn ways to change your emotions, and stop feeding or building difficult emotions. The book discusses the specifics of these ideas. In addition, I have a subscription website opening soon called DBTCoaching.com that focuses on coping skills.

    6. You wrote that emotionally sensitive people tend to “catch” other people’s emotions. Can you tell us a little about this, and how we can stop doing it?

    Emotionally sensitive people are often tuned in to the emotional experiences of other people, so much so that they may experience the emotion that someone else is having. If you are with someone who is sad, you may feel sadness too, for example.

    Awareness that you are experiencing an emotion that actually belongs to someone else is helpful in letting go of it.

    If someone is relating an experience that made them sad, then you can say to yourself, “Not my experience, her experience,” to help maintain the boundary.

    If you experience emotions that you imagine others might have, such as “She must be so sad,” then remind yourself that someone else’s experience is not necessarily the same as yours. For example, if someone is moving, he might be excited and happy instead of sad or scared or vice versa.

    7. In reading the “Identifying Your Emotions” section of the book, I realized I’ve mislabeled many thoughts as feelings, compromising my ability to cope with my actual emotions effectively. Can you share a few examples of mislabeling thoughts as feelings, and how we can identify what we really feel?

    Some examples of mislabeling thoughts as feelings can be as simple as, “I feel like I’ll never succeed,” “I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere,” and “I feel like I’m different from anyone else.”

    Those expressions are actually thoughts. To be more accurate your would say, “I think I don’t fit in anywhere and that makes me sad,” and “I think I’m different from anyone else and that makes me sad.” Then you either challenge the thoughts or find ways to cope with the feelings that come with the thought.

    It’s difficult to challenge statements when you express them as feelings. “I am scared because I think I’ll never succeed” gives you the information about both the feeling you are having and the thought.

    You recognize that as a negative thought and you can challenge it. Is that statement true? In what situation do you think it is true? Do the facts back it up? If so, what do you need to do differently? The emotion of sadness would indicate coping skills to help you deal with that specific emotion.

    8. In Chapter 6, you wrote, “Judgments hide primary feelings.” What did you mean by this—and how can we challenge our judgments?

    We often judge when we are emotionally upset. “He is a complete jerk,” is a judgment. What led to that thought and emotion? Maybe you were embarrassed because you spilled wine all over yourself and your date didn’t offer to help clean up. You use the judgment of him to cover the embarrassment.

    “I spilled wine all over myself and I felt hurt that he didn’t help me clean it up,” might be more accurate.

    9. The chapter that was most helpful to me personally was the one on decision-making—particularly the part about separating the decision from the emotion and accepting emotional consequences. Can you expand on this?

    I’ve found that many emotionally sensitive people believe they can’t make decisions but they actually avoid decisions because of the emotional consequences of those decisions.

    There are few choices that don’t have emotional consequences. Even picking a restaurant for a group dinner means someone will likely not agree with the choice and may be disappointed or critical. You know which restaurant you want, but you struggle with the decision because of the emotional consequences of the decision. You don’t want anyone upset.

    If you can separate the two, the choice of restaurant and the emotional consequences of the choice, then you can be clear about what the issue is and how you want to manage it.

    10. What do you think is the most important thing an emotionally sensitive person can do for their well-being?

    Accept themselves as they are, completely and totally, and also work on changing behaviors that are keeping them from being effective in building the life they want to live.

    You can find The Emotionally Sensitive Person on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Girl under rain clouds image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    Finger Art Couple Fighting

    “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” ~Unknown

    We all have people in our lives who unintentionally hurt us. Their words may sound harsh. We may feel judged. And they may question our choices so much that we feel emotionally unsafe around them.

    People can make comments about our career choice, living situation, life partner (or lack of), child-rearing decisions, and hobbies—and often when we didn’t ask for their opinion or advice.

    Oftentimes, the healthiest choice is to stay away from these people. But sometimes we have to pay a hefty price for this choice, and it’s worth exploring other options.

    For example, if some of these people happen to be relatives, or someone is your childhood best friend’s spouse or your daughter’s best friend’s mom, staying away may bring other challenges.

    And even when we can avoid them completely, it can be valuable to have such people in our lives, as they empower us to learn and grow.

    Note: I said we could invite them to be a part of our lives, not consume our lives! There is a big difference between the two.

    A few years back, a friend’s words began to hurt me and brought tears to my eyes, lots of tears.

    I knew her intentions were good, yet her comments on my choice of work, living situation, and vacations, and her constant unsolicited advice, left me feeling sad and angry.

    I opened up my heart and ultimately felt judged and vulnerable.

    I could have just let the friendship die, but that wasn’t an authentic manifestation of my values.

    A part of me wanted to tell her exactly how I felt, but I didn’t have the courage to face the consequences if she didn’t understand where I was coming from, and that I really wanted to save the relationship.

    I was sharing this with my mom, and in my pain I asked her why someone who cared about me would say the things my friend had said.

    She said something that stuck. “What if you look at your relationship with her as an opportunity to grow? What if you focused on what you could do and change instead of complaining about her? What if she were a friend not to hold, nurture, and support you, but to help you get a tiny bit closer to your own truth along with some pain and discomfort?”

    This was simple, yet deep and profound.

    Over the last few years I have become a little more skilled and have more peace and joy around this relationship.

    Here’s my list of the wonderful gems that have emerged, and my enhanced toolkit on dealing with difficult relationships.

    1. Acknowledge the pain.

    I have learned to acknowledge the discomfort with harsh words. This doesn’t mean wallowing in the pain or crying endlessly, but simply practicing awareness and noticing my own sensations and feelings as they arise, without getting overly attached to them or pushing them aside.

    I have learned that resistance creates more suffering, and accepting our own discomfort is the first step to lasting peace.

    2. Embrace your own fears and insecurities.

    Difficult interactions give us an opportunity to embrace our own fears and insecurities. When we feel hurt about something, it’s often because it triggers some unresolved emotion within ourselves.

    Recognizing this, we can practice compassionate self-inquiry, without anger or judgment toward ourselves.

    I have noticed that comments around my choice of work are most difficult to hear, and as I have peeled the layers I have learned that is where my inner critic is the loudest.

    What a lovely opportunity for me to come a tiny bit closer to my own truths, practice self- kindness, and work on myself instead of trying to change others.

    3. Cultivate curiosity.

    I have learned to have an open and curious mind toward critical behavior. I don’t need to judge or label, but I can still bring a deep sense of curiosity around why people may be behaving or saying such things.

    With this sense of curiosity, we’re better able to practice compassion for other people’s pain and suffering.

    Oftentimes when people say hurtful things, it’s because they are hurting and have unmet needs, and not because of who we are or what we have done.

    4. Demonstrate vulnerability with intelligence.

    I often felt upset because I opened my heart and revealed my imperfections and didn’t feel held or heard. I slowly learned that if someone might not accept my truth, it would be wise for me to exercise judgment around how much I share.

    As Brené Brown says, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share, ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’”

    This didn’t mean that I was better or wiser than other people, but that at this point in our lives, my story doesn’t serve a purpose in our conversations.

    5. Create boundaries.

    Despite all the benefits that such interactions may bring, boundaries are essential.

    A boundary meant saying no to that Saturday dinner invitation (with kindness and gratitude), or agreeing to meet for coffee on a weeknight instead of planning a long, leisurely Sunday brunch. It also meant exercising judgment around the topics that I’d discuss and the opinions that I’d offer.

    If a relationship is causing you pain but you feel it’s worth keeping, ask yourself: What boundaries can I set to better take care of myself and my needs?

    6. Refuel and recharge.

    Practicing this piece can sometimes feel indulgent, or I can confuse this with “being weak,” but at its core, it is an act of strength.

    I have learned to take time and create space (even if it’s just five minutes) to do something to recharge and refuel after such interactions—take a walk or practice meditation, for example—in order to ground myself and bring myself back to my sense of calm and worthiness.

    —

    When people are critical and judgmental, it’s often more about them than us. Still, this gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves, take good care of ourselves, and practice responding wisely.

    Which of these most resonated with you? What’s in your toolkit that could be added to this list?

    Finger art of couple fighting image via Shutterstock

  • You Are Broken, Let Me Fix You

    You Are Broken, Let Me Fix You

    Mosaic Face

    “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Erikkson

    Let me fix you.

    You really should try not to be so sensitive, Leah. The world is sometimes a difficult and upsetting place, but you shouldn’t let it affect you so much.

    Let me fix you.

    You know, you really ought to spend more time with people, Leah. It’s not good for you to be alone so much.

    Let me fix you.

    You know, you really shouldn’t make such quick, spur-of-the-moment decisions, Leah. It’s not good to do that in life and you’ll end up regretting them.

    Let me fix you.

    You’re so young, Leah. You should be out dancing and dating and having fun, not sitting home alone with another book.

    Let me fix you.

    You need to be more realistic, Leah. I know you have big dreams for your business and life, but it’s not secure. We all have to do work we don’t enjoy, it’s just the way things are.

    Let me fix you.

    Thank you for trying to fix me. Now let me tell you this…

    Let me tell you…

    My greatest strength is empathy. I feel others’ feelings as if they were my own. Their pain is my pain. Their joy is my joy. I cannot help but cry sometimes and I cannot hold the tears in, as you would like me to, nor wait for a more convenient moment.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My sensitivity is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    I am an introvert and a thinker. Introspection is in my blood. Long periods of time alone are a joy to me. Where others might feel lonely, I feel replenished.

    I ponder, I reflect, and I muse over the thousands of dreams and ideas that are always in my head. I’m filtering, planning, connecting the dots and making sense of the world around me

    Please don’t try to fix me. My thinking is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    I am a woman of action and I do not like to wait. Once my mind is made up there is no turning back. Where others might be stuck in indecision, I have moved ten steps ahead. My life is in motion and I am creating in the real world the dreams I have in my head.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My ability to act is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    The future is beautiful to me. I see all that is possible and all that I want to create. In vivid colour and in high definition it appears to me. Whilst others see all that is wrong and the reasons why not, I see all that is right and all that could be.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My dreaming is my gift.

    You Are Not Broken

    For the longest time, I thought I was broken. I thought I had to change myself. I thought I had to behave differently. I thought that my way of being wasn’t the way of being. I wished I were someone else.

    At school my reports went like this:

    “Leah is a wonderful student but she’s too quiet and needs to speak up more in class.”

    In my nine-to-five office jobs it went like this:

    “Try not to be so sensitive, Leah. It’s not good to let people see you cry at work.”

    And when I handed in my notice, it went like this:

    “You can’t go through life making rash decisions like this, Leah,”

    And even now, almost three years into my journey of creating my dream life and business, it goes like this:

    “We believe in you, Leah, we really do, but don’t you think it’s time to look for a more secure job?”

    Everyone, everywhere, throughout my life has been ready with advice for me on how I should be.

    Over the years, not knowing any better, I tried to bend myself to their suggestions.

    I tried to be less sensitive. I tried to hold my tears in. I tried to be less impulsive and less impatient. I tried to spend more time around people. I tried to tame my dreams.

    But when I tried to do all these things, all I felt was pain and it didn’t make anything in my life work better the way people told me it would.

    Finally, thankfully, today, I see the truth.

    There isn’t and never was anything to fix.

    The very things that others told me were my faults turned out to be my greatest strengths and my most beautiful gifts.

    When I finally saw and embraced them as such, I was able to begin creating a life that encapsulated everything that I am instead of constantly struggling and trying to be something that I was not.

    It’s true for you too. There is nothing to fix.

    If you find yourself surrounded by people telling you should or need to be different, I hope these three short notes will help you let go of what they’re telling you and to embrace instead what is truly special about you.

    1. You are not broken, faulty, or defective.

    There is no right or wrong way to be. Each and every one of us makes sense of the world differently. The way you are may be different to those around you, but that does not make your way of being wrong.

    Instead of trying to bend yourself to their suggestions, take note of what the people around you say you should be like. There is a very good chance that they are pointing the way to your most special gifts and the things that make you uniquely you.

    2. Use your unique gifts to create a life you love.

    When you recognize, understand, and accept your personal strengths, you have the opportunity to consciously and thoughtfully craft a life that is in alignment with those strengths, instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a mould you won’t ever fit into.

    I didn’t see it at the time, but the pain I experienced in my office jobs were clear signs that I wasn’t where I was meant to be. The roles I was in didn’t value my biggest strengths and work often felt like a battle against my very nature.

    By seeing, understanding, and accepting my own personal strengths and gifts, I have been able to create a business and life that allows me to freely be all that I am. You can do the same.

    3. Forgive those who try to fix you.

    Remember that those who are telling you to be more like this or less like that—it’s not their fault. They, too, are filtering everything through their own set of unique gifts. Go easy on them; they’re just doing their best, like the rest of us.

    Listen to what they have to say, take anything that feels useful but go ahead and drop the rest without a second thought.

    Let me tell you this, my friend…

    There is nothing to fix and nothing to change.

    It is in those qualities that others might find difficult to accept that you will find your power.

    It is in the acceptance of those qualities that you will have the opportunity to not only create a life that feels right for you, but to have the greatest positive impact on the people and world around you in this short and precious life.

    You are a gift to the world. Just as you are.

    Mosaic face image via Shutterstock

  • Reclaim the Forgotten State of Wonder to Live an Extraordinary Life

    Reclaim the Forgotten State of Wonder to Live an Extraordinary Life

    Amazed Little Girl

    “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

    For years, I walked as if I were asleep.

    Autopilot steered me along the familiar paths between home and work and shopping centers and the gym. Paths I traveled so many times with my mind somewhere in the future or somewhere in the past, that everything around me passed like ghosts: present, unseen.

    Sometimes, in a moment between waking and sleeping, I glimpsed marshmallow clouds, a burnt sunset, the bruised hills, the star-studded night sky. But mostly I was pre-occupied with living my life: working, eating, sleeping, and sometimes playing.

    I didn’t even know that I didn’t notice what was around me, that I wasn’t paying attention or connecting to the world around me, until I had an encounter that changed the course of my life.

    Learning to scuba dive in the tropical sea, on my second ever dive, a small green turtle suddenly appeared and paddled gracefully through the water with her flipper-like limbs.

    As she moved in front of me, we locked gaze.

    In that moment, we were connected through an invisible essence, like all creatures and humans are connected in a way that we often don’t understand. I sensed her ancient wisdom and timeless soul, and was transfixed.

    Eventually, the turtle looked away then flapped her front limbs and swam away into the blue.

    I watched her until she was gone but she would never really leave me. That moment of connection flicked a light switch in my soul. From that moment I was hooked on diving and slowly I started to wake up.

    Some years later, in the midst of a career crisis, I quit my job in financial planning to be free for a while.

    I went to Thailand to pursue my love of diving and completed my Divemaster and Instructor courses.

    The way I lived changed completely: slow, in the sea, barefoot, lying on hot sand, riding motorbikes through jungle-covered hills, tangled hair, watching sunsets every day. I was wild and free.

    My senses were alive with bright colors, the scent of frangipani and the sweetness of ripe mangoes. I reveled in it all.

    I paid attention to everything—the moon’s fullness, the strength of the wind, the sun’s position to the horizon, and the presence of clouds for sunset’s potential beauty, although I always went to the beach to watch it anyway.

    Returning home to corporate, city life was a difficult adjustment; my free-spirit felt constrained, the concrete and glass buildings dead and cold, the routine numbing. But I carried within me everything I learned, and I knew that if I could see an amazing world overseas I could see one back home too.

    I kept a mindful writing practice called small stones, writing down at least one thing that I noticed every day, just as it was, in its beauty or plainness.

    I walked to work to escape the tired energy of the train and witnessed the city parks transform from green to tangerine to rust to paper bag brown to naked then back to green.

    I took time out to sit on the earth and feel the sun on my skin and the breeze brush my hair.

    As I opened my senses and my heart to the world around me, I re-discovered wonder—gasping “ah,” and “wow”—the essence of amazement that we all knew when we were children as we experienced something new only to forget how miraculous it was as the experience repeated became commonplace and normal.

    To be amazed and in awe of life is to feel fully alive and present in the moment.

    When we reclaim wonder in our everyday lives, whether we are washing the dishes, driving to work, or watching the clouds shift and change in the sky, we transform the mundane and the routine into a sacred experience.

    The ordinary becomes extraordinary and our lives deeper, richer, and more connected.

    You don’t need to spend money or go out of your way to find wonder. You can experience it right here, where you are.

    Simply stop and pay attention. Notice what is around you.

    Look with innocence and curiosity. Release the tendency to judge and describe with adjectives like ugly or pretty. Be grateful for what you witness and you will experience more.

    Let it move and inspire you. Write about it, take a photo, paint a picture, sing a song, say a prayer, dance.

    Your life is made up of some big moments but mainly many small ones. Without paying attention, your life will pass by quickly and your memory of it will be beige.

    But witness those moments with presence, gratitude, and wonder and your life will be vividly multi-colored. It will be extraordinary.

    Amazed little girl image via Shutterstock

  • If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    Happy woman smiling

    “When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    Someone once asked me if I was happy.

    The question confused me because it didn’t really seem like something I had a choice in.

    I had two parents and wonderful siblings who loved me deeply. I was smart, a good friend, and had opportunities many people throughout the world didn’t have. I never worried about being hungry or safe. What else was there?

    Unfortunately, growing up semi-privileged doesn’t prevent us from developing fears and insecurities.

    Though there was laughter and creativity in my early life, I was too busy deflecting judgments and attacks to feel okay in my own skin.

    People would tell me to smile, so I learned that something was wrong with me if I wasn’t smiling.

    Someone told me I had a big nose and hairy arms, so I discovered my body was not up to my peers’ high standards.

    I often felt misunderstood or unseen for who I really was.

    As I got older, I dated men who made me feel good about myself. They loved me, with my big nose and hairy arms. They also had just enough problems to keep me busy avoiding myself.

    Somewhere in midst of trying to show them they could be anything, I lost myself entirely.

    I didn’t actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I judged my words, my actions, and my thoughts constantly. I did the same with others. I was always trying to figure “it” out. I don’t think I even knew what “it” was back then. I do now.

    “It” was happiness. I wanted to figure out how I could stop running in place. The present moment was never enough for me.

    I was always going to be happy when I had a new roommate, my boyfriend changed, I signed up at a yoga studio, my Mom saw things my way, or I was making more money. The now, for me, was completely inadequate, and I was always reaching for some future event to make it better.

    Throughout my twenties, my life began to transform, but it was just two years ago when I hit the climax. Three things happened all at once:

    One, I fell in love with a man who showed me unconditional love; two, I became conscious of the fact that I was in relationships with people who were no longer serving me, and I left; and three, I discovered breathwork, the most powerful tool in my life.

    The first thing, unconditional love, gave me the safety to see the truth about myself.

    Because I was always in relationships with men who needed me to be there for them, I had developed a habit of hiding from my own needs. This relationship allowed me to feel safe so I could finally focus on myself with the support of someone who loved me deeply.

    The second thing, leaving unhealthy relationships, showed me I had the strength to choose what is best for me.

    There were clear signs that I was engaged with people who were manipulative and felt they knew what was better for me than I did. Walking away from relationships that I had put so much energy, trust, and love into was challenging, but ultimately liberating.

    And the third thing, finding breathwork, transformed my life in the deepest way possible. Breathwork was my tool to accept myself.

    At the time I couldn’t fathom how breathing could make any sort of significant change in my life, but this particular type of breathing was powerful. It helped me get out of my head and into my heart. It helped me see the truth about myself and life.

    Through a two-step deep breathing process in a safe and guided environment, I was able to release limiting beliefs and past traumas. Breathing deep into my belly and then into my chest, I was able to bring my awareness into my body.

    It’s a healing practice that has a life of its own and didn’t require me to do anything but breathe.

    Each time I practiced I felt myself let go a little more until I was grounded into a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me. On many occasions breathwork has helped me feel the emotions I was hiding from, see the truth about my life, and know that everything is perfect as it is.

    Because I was always in my head, I was a very analytical person, always seeing what was wrong and how I needed to fix it. When I learned to accept myself, I was finally able to relax and enjoy simply being.

    And through accepting myself I learned to love myself. Not all at once, but it happened gradually. It’s probably still happening. But the eyes I see myself through now are full of funky daisies and hand drawn roses. Way better than red pen edits and negative graffiti, let me tell you.

    I am happy.

    If you’re unsure if you’re happy I have to tell you, you’re not. Happiness, to me, is not a state. Sometimes I’m down. Sometimes I’m up. Happiness is my relationship to life.

    I am happy in my life. I am happy in my skin. I am happy with the body I have. I adore the people in my life. I am blessed. I am grateful.

    The hunt for happiness is exhausting. I was always trying—trying to be knowledgeable about one more thing, trying to do this better, trying to make my business more successful. Everything revolved around reaching.

    Now, I sit back. I smile. I can let life unfold without needing to control it. I can enjoy each moment for what it is.

    There is naivety around happiness and healing. There’s this idea that we shouldn’t get sad, that we should be able to cope with every situation perfectly, and that we are only going to go up from here. That hasn’t been my experience.

    I have days when I’m depressed. But I know my feelings are fleeting, so I can embrace them and let them be what they are.

    I have grown and learned tremendously about myself.

    I have been willing to answer the tough questions honestly.

    I have been willing to show up and see the truth of myself. That means times get hard. Sometimes I get a little lost. That’s why I have my practice. That’s why I have support.

    This is what life is. It’s up and it’s down. It’s high and it’s low. It’s happy and it’s sad. And I love it all.

    I can’t reject the bad because it’s part of life. I embrace it and accept it. I break through the stories and limiting beliefs and show myself love and compassion. And that is how I am happy.

    So, if you want to be happy do this first:
 be willing to see the truth of who you are right now.
 Release judgment and accept everything about who you are right now.
 Show compassion for the parts of yourself that are difficult to bear. Begin to show yourself love.

    Rinse and repeat.

    This life is far too precious to wait another moment to be happy.

    Happy woman smiling image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Courageous Choices That Make Us Better, Happier People

    3 Courageous Choices That Make Us Better, Happier People

    Girl with Arms Raised

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    My daughter is the most courageous person I know. She’s two years old and fierce.

    So often we think courage looks like a warrior, soldier, or athlete.

    But I think we have it all wrong. Courage has a soft side that we have ignored for centuries.

    Take my daughter for instance. The other day she was running full speed ahead at the playground. She was so focused on getting to her favorite slide that she didn’t see the stick on the ground in front of her. In one second, she slipped, fell, and started bawling.

    I ran to her, picked her up, and kissed her knee. One minute later, she was wiggling out of my arms, feet on the ground, and running faster than before.

    Now that’s crazy courage. She had no reason to believe she wouldn’t fall again. However, she didn’t appear afraid at all. Even though previous experience told her she could fall again. She didn’t listen. She’s led by her enthusiasm and not her fear.

    Some people would say this is naive. But I think this is something adults need more of: courage.

    Courage is the ability to move forward boldly and authentically, guided by your intuition, despite fear, pain, or uncertainty. The word courage actually comes from the Latin word “cor,” which means heart.

    Inner courageousness allows us to follow our hearts, listen to our intuition, and lead soulfully satisfying lives while having all of our needs, desires, and goals met.

    Here are three ways you can have crazy courage like a toddler.

    Hit the ground.

    Go hard. Go fast. And if you fall, get up, dust off, and go again. But this time, go harder and go faster. Don’t worry about failure. Convince yourself that you can succeed. And no matter what sticks fall by your feet, persevere and keep going.

    I’ve hit rock bottom before. And you know what? It’s not a bad place to be. You get to let go of everything and start again. Do you know how exciting it is to start all over again? Make better choices. Go in a different direction. The joy of releasing any burden, any guilt, all of the “should’s” and “suppose to’s” and doing it all from scratch.

    So many people think they can’t start from the beginning and rebuild their life. So they stay in unfulfilling jobs, relationships, and negative situations. But honestly, the beginning of happiness is better than the middle of mediocrity or misery.

    Tell the truth.

    Be honest about your feelings. Don’t call fear apathy. Don’t call worry tiredness. If you’re afraid, it’s okay to say you are. The more you express your true feelings, the more connected you’ll be to your authentic self.

    Emotions are energy in motion. They are meant to come up and be released. We were not meant to hold on to them. Unexpressed emotions create baggage that slows us down. The more you deny your emotions, the further down you push your authenticity. Let your emotions rise up and let them go.

    Allow your enthusiasm to lead you.

    Have you ever felt so much joy bubbling up inside you that you wanted to run away? I don’t think we allow the full capacity of joy to overwhelm our lives. When was the last time you laughed from your gut? When was the last time you let joy shake you, rock you, and fill you up? Lean in to your enthusiasm.

    The more you seek to control this uneasiness, the less pure joy you will experience. Have the courage to let joy unnerve you and rock your boat. It’s a lot more fun to open up and let go. Trust me. Trust yourself. Fully commit to feeling good.

    This means taking that class you’ve been meaning to take. Going to places you think are beautiful. Spending time with people who encourage you. Learning that skill you’ve been craving to learn.

    Ditch the bucket list and start a living list of all the things you want to do while you’re alive. Start working on your list now!

    Schedule “joy” into your calendar. I know you’re busy, but it’s worth it.

    I recently started learning to play the piano. Making music exhilarates me. Will I become a concert pianist? Probably not. But even with two toddlers, I make time for it because I enjoy it.

    If you start with these three things, you’ll notice your courage muscles begin to build. It may hurt in the beginning. But if you keep going, you’ll get stronger. And not the fake strength that relies on bravado or hiding our emotions. But real inner strength that grounds you in inner knowingness, confidence, and certainty.

    Cultivating real courage makes us better people. And better people create better worlds.

    Girl with arms raised image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

    Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

    Letting Go of Difficult Emotions

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    Growing up, I often felt emotionally overwhelmed, causing others to call me “too sensitive.”

    It was very clear to me from a young age that emotion was a sign of weakness, but try as I may, I couldn’t escape mine.

    I believed there was something wrong with me for feeling so deeply—that I was fundamentally bad because of it—then I felt bad about my inability to change.

    As the years went on and life got harder and more complex, I struggled with severe anxiety and depression. I wasn’t equipped with the tools to manage the natural emotions I felt after others mistreated me, so instead, I learned to numb them.

    I numbed them with food, alcohol, and men, to name a few crutches, but my efforts often backfired.

    With so much pain repressed under layers of fear and shame, I often exploded in hysterics after one drink too many, unleashing on some defenseless friend or boyfriend a dramatic story of anguish and an eruption of despair.

    Coupled with the aftermath of bullying, this tendency to lose control of my emotions led me to fear social situations.

    Even if I didn’t drink—which I often did, to ease my anxiety—I couldn’t be certain something wouldn’t trigger painful feelings and I wouldn’t embarrass myself with my response.

    What if I obsessed and looked neurotic? What if I attacked and looked combative? What if I cried and looked unstable?

    Judgment seemed inevitable—from others and myself—but even worse I’d have to hear three seemingly patronizing words: let it go.

    As if it were that easy. As if I could just roll all my feelings into a neat little snowball and toss it out into the distance.

    I felt this was incredibly insensitive—that someone who clearly didn’t understand the depth of my pain would suggest that moving beyond it was as simple as “letting it go.”

    As if “letting it go” was an easy, one-time decision, like pulling off a Band-Aid.

    “Let it go” seemed like advice from the disinterested and lazy. At least, that’s what I thought back then.

    After spending years of my life trapped in a maze of disempowering stories, I’ve realized dwelling, complaining, and analyzing my life does very little to help my emotional state.

    I now know I don’t need to be a prisoner inside my own mind.

    I can’t help that I’m emotionally sensitive—and having leveraged my sensitivity to create this site, I now know I wouldn’t want to change that—but I can choose not to keep myself miserable and stuck.

    It turns out “let it go” is pretty helpful advice. But it’s such an abstract concept. What I wished someone told me back then was how.

    How do you let go of anger when your first thought in the morning, the last one at night, and the majority of the ones in between revolve around how you were hurt?

    How do you let go of resentment when it feels like you’ll never be able to change the things that you resent?

    How do you let go of frustration when you feel stuck, stagnant, and completely powerless to change it?

    How do you let go of worries when even the thought of letting them go fills you with worry?

    And how do you let go of your disappointment with yourself when you try your best to “just let it go” and continually struggle to do it?

    I’ve devoted much of the last decade to studying the art of letting go—a skill that’s helpful to all of us, not just those of us who are highly sensitive people.

    In this time, I’ve learned a few things that help with all disempowering emotions and a few things to address some of the specific ones that are the most difficult to release.

    In my new 54-page eBook, Letting Go of Difficult Emotions, I’ve tackled them one by one, addressing how to let go of:

    • Anger
    • Resentment
    • Frustration
    • Anxiety
    • Self-Judgment

    Each section offers a few simple things you can do to release the feelings, come back to the present moment, and find a sense of peace.

    And best of all, I’ve decided to release this eBook with a “name your price” model. The suggested payment is $10; however, you can pay as little as $1 or give more than that, if you’ve gotten a lot from Tiny Buddha and would like to give more back.

    [gravityform id=”10″ title=”false” description=”false”]

    I hope you find this eBook helpful, and I welcome any feedback at email(AT)tinybuddha.com.

  • Create Lasting Habits: The 4 Psychological Triggers That Catalyze Change

    Create Lasting Habits: The 4 Psychological Triggers That Catalyze Change

    Man with Arms Raised Image

    “Things do not change; we change.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    The world knows no joy like an evangelist with an opening. My eyes lit up as I jumped into my sermon on the incredible power of lifestyle change.

    The year previous I had decided it was time to take charge of my health, and I had made some big changes.

    I transitioned to a whole food diet, put plants at the center of my plate, started meditating regularly, and began attending yoga classes multiple times a week.

    I was absolutely astounded at how the synergy of these three lifestyle changes completely transformed my quality of life.

    So when my friends began asking me to what I owed my newfound glow, I couldn’t wait to endow them with the key to lasting health, effortless weight loss, and inner peace.

    And so my lecture would begin. “It’s so simple! Just change your diet, start exercising, oh and don’t forget to meditate every day!”

    Can you guess how many people I converted? Not a one. My regretful interlocutor would begin to nervously shift their weight, looking for any opportunity to end the conversation.

    Finally, the realization made its way through my thick skull that everyone already knew that they should be eating right and exercising.

    The last thing they wanted was to listen to someone else preach the values of diet, meditation, and exercise—what they already knew that they should be doing.

    So I finally learned that knowledge isn’t enough to trigger a lifestyle change.

    Despite knowing full well the value of yoga, meditation, and eating veggies, few people are able to make and sustain such changes, especially with career obligations, social engagements, and the other demands of modern life.

    So I was left with a conundrum. What was it that had allowed me to make these changes? What was I missing in helping others to realize the same health benefits and increased quality of life?

    I became obsessed with answering these questions, and thus a quest was born. A few months later I packed up my life and moved to Arizona to work for a holistic healing center.

    I spent the next four years at the Tree of Life center in Patagonia, Arizona, where individuals are taught yoga, meditation, and a plant-based diet as a healing modality. I supported hundreds of people as they adopted the same lifestyle changes that I underwent, and the results have been powerful.

    But what I was most interested in exploring was not the effects of diet, yoga, and meditation, but rather understanding what allows individuals to make and sustain these changes in their lives.

    Why were some able to take these holistic health practices back into their busy everyday lives when they left the center? Why were some successful when others continued to struggle?

    I devoured every book on the science of behavior change that I could get my hands on, and had the incredible opportunity of applying the principles in a real life setting.

    The takeaway? Behavior change itself is a skill, and there are certain psychological triggers that we can employ to kickstart the process. Anyone can learn these triggers and cultivate the ability to make healthy changes that are sustainable and lasting.

    Here are the four best ways to catalyze change:

    1. Start small and celebrate success.

    Healthy habits are the bedrock of lasting and sustainable health. Why? Because once established, they no longer require willpower to maintain.

    But what is the best way to create a habit?

    Stanford psychologist BJ Fogg has pioneered an extremely effective behavior change method that he calls Tiny Habits.

    The premise? Start small and celebrate your successes.

    Want to cook more plant-based meals? Start with putting a recipe book out on the counter on Sundays.

    Want to start meditating? Start with just three breaths every time you sit down at the computer.

    These tiny actions may seem insignificant, but by starting small we remove the biggest barrier to change—simply getting started.

    Engineering (and celebrating) early success is key in reinforcing the creation of new habits and also motivates us to make bigger changes in the future.

    Tiny habits transform into big habits, which cascade into big life changes.

    2. Understand the motivation myth.

    The key to changing behavior is motivation, right? We need to be motivated to cook healthy food, to go to the gym, to wake up early and study.

    Not exactly.

    Motivation naturally waxes and wanes, and psychologists have found that trying to change how motivated you are at any given moment is hard. Really hard.

    The better bet is to use times of high motivation strategically.

    Everyone has periods of peak productivity, and the best way to leverage these times of high motivation is to do something that helps structure future behavior.

    Next time you find yourself having a super productive day, use that motivation to sign up for a weekly yoga class, invite an interested friend over to explore healthy cooking every Sunday, or plan a plant-based potluck.

    These are all examples of setting up future events that will help keep you on track. Using your existing motivation to create accountability and social support increases follow through.

    3. Get laser focused on one big win.

    The archnemesis of healthy change is a pernicious little devil called overwhelm.

    Take getting healthy for example: There are thousands of different dietary theories, conflicting health information, and more exercise programs than I can count.

    Should you be fasting one day a week? Eating a low-carb or low-fat diet? Doing yoga? Jumpstarting yourself with a cleanse? Doing three hours of cardio weekly? Eating plant-based meals? Weight training?

    The options are endless and analysis paralysis can easily set in.

    Focusing on one big win is about identifying what is going to give you the greatest result for the least amount of effort.

    For weight loss, a great “big win” is to focus on meals that are low in caloric density, i.e. plant-powered dishes which include a wide range of veggies, beans, grains, and greens.

    You can eat as much of these nourishing, delicious, hearty foods as you like and make sustainable progress toward your goal weight.

    Whatever your goal, find what gives you the biggest bang for your buck and ruthlessly cut back everything else.

    Simplicity empowers change.

    4. Learn one thing at a time.

    In their book Switch: How To Change Things When Change Is Hard, authors Chip and Dan Heath share some surprising truths about change.

    For me, the most interesting revelation is as follows: What looks like resistance is actually a lack of clarity.

    When taking up healthy habits, there is almost always a learning curve.

    We might go the gym, but we don’t really know how to work out.

    We want to cook healthier meals, but the recipe is full of exotic ingredients we’ve never heard of before.

    And we most often resist making these changes not because we are unmotivated, but because we don’t see a clear path forward. We don’t know the exact steps to take to begin eating better, exercising, or sitting down to meditate.

    The best way to reduce the resistance and get started? Break down the task in front of you into baby steps and learn one thing at a time.

    If you are interested in cooking healthier meals, first learn how to shop. Add a new-to-you ingredient to your list every time you go to the store.

    Once shopping is a breeze, then devote time to learning to cook up a few quick, easy, and delectable healthy recipes.

    Breaking down the learning curve into easy, manageable steps is one of the best ways to catalyze change.

    The most important takeaway here is the understanding that behavior change is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.

    There is no secret source of motivation, willpower, or discipline that some have and others don’t. Apply these psychological triggers and you’ll be well on your way to creating healthy habits that are sustainable and lasting.

    Man with arms raised image via Shutterstock

  • It’s Okay to Need a Little Help

    It’s Okay to Need a Little Help

    We Can Help

    “Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.” ~Unknown

    It’s 2004, and I awake in a student college in Melbourne, Australia. This comes as no surprise, because, at the time, I lived there.

    I groggily stagger to the shared bathroom on my floor, to perform my morning washing routine. There’s nothing unusual about my lavatory procedure, so I’ll omit the details, for all of our benefits.

    So far, so good. Already I’m full of optimism for today.

    As I wash my hands, I glimpse myself in the mirror and notice my majestic, messy bed-head.

    I often sport a disturbing, motley “I’ve just fallen out of bed” look for entire days, as I forget to check in the morning that I look sufficiently acceptable to go outside.

    I usually see myself in a mirror just before I go to bed, and invariably feel retrospectively ashamed that I’ve had tufts of hair beaming in assorted directions since I woke up.

    On this day, however, I notice my unconventional tufty hair and take immediate, drastic action, slapping the top of my head with my wet hands to encourage my mane into an acceptable shape. I stride out of the bathroom, feeling satisfied.

    Universe 0, Neil 1. One triumph already: not appearing for the entire day as if I have just fallen out of bed. What an excellent start to the day.

    Sadly, I only take a few steps before the soapy water I unthinkingly applied to my head pours into my eyes, burning them immediately with painful chemicals.

    Still, no need to panic. I’m an adult, I can handle a little soapy water. I am aware of the process for fixing a foamy intrusion into the eyes. As per the plan, I don’t even break stride, simply rubbing my eyes to remove the water.

    Unfortunately, this only makes things worse. It feels like I dislodged my contact lenses and got the soap in behind them. Now everything really burns.

    Okay. There’s no need for alarm. I simply need a new plan. I’m already most of the way to my bedroom, so I can slip in there, find the sink, wash my eyes out, replace my contacts with chemical-free fresh lenses, and then we’re all sorted. I’m still destined for victory today.

    I take another step toward my bedroom door, eyes screwed tightly shut.

    I fumble for my keys and pull them hurriedly out of my trouser pocket. Sadly, in my haste they slip out of my hand and fly somewhere into the dark void in front of me.

    Uh-oh.

    I squint my eyes open slightly and shut them immediately. I can’t see a thing through the caustic chemical tears. What the hell is in this soap, I probably would wonder if I weren’t so distracted by the agony behind my eyelids.

    Right. Time for a new “new plan.” The corridor is small, so it can’t take long to locate my keys, get into my room, find the sink, wash the soap out of my eyes, replace the contacts, and then—finally—victory!

    No need to cancel the celebratory parade for how awesome today will be. Yet.

    I scrabble on the floor for a moment, then another moment, and then another slightly longer moment.

    I seriously can’t find my keys. In making the “new new plan” I significantly underestimated how much I rely on the ability to see.

    The discomfort of squatting and bungling around is adding to the stinging in my eyes, and I realize my new highest priority needs to be getting rid of this infernal soap. 

    (With hindsight, this should probably have been the priority from the beginning.)

    Taking stock again, I come up with a new “new new plan.”

    I’ll go back to the original shared bathroom and wash my eyes out there. Then, using my regained power of vision, it will be trivial to find my keys. After that, I can let myself into my room, replace my lenses, and finally I can leave for breakfast. Still victorious. Definitely.

    I stand up, face toward the bathroom, and charge ahead at maximum eagerness.

    SMACK!

    I run face first into the wall, having apparently completely lost track of which way I was facing.

    I crumple to the floor, like a sack of idiotic potatoes.

    At this point, I finally admit that I am defeated.

    I have no new plans. No “new new plans.” No plans of any kind whatsoever. My face hurts from hitting the wall with it. My eyes hurt from the chemicals I foolishly rubbed into them. I cannot solve either problem.

    As I lie there, blankly failing to handle the situation, I hear the voice of the pretty girl from down the corridor:

    “Do you… do you need any help?”

    Yes. Yes, I need help.

    And not just with simple things like a morning routine.

    I’ve suffered from anxiety all my life. And the main lesson I’ve learned is that keeping it to myself only makes it worse.

    Yet I’m less willing to ask for help when I need it most because I don’t want to look weak. I’m scared of the judgment it might bring.

    But I’ve found that, in reality, people judge us far less harshly than we do ourselves. Being honest about needing help makes us seem strong, not weak.

    Whether it’s a major problem like daily anxiety, or a silly thing like getting soap in my eyes, I’ve learned that it’s crucial to just be honest about it with someone I trust.

    Whatever you may be suffering through, there are those who would happily suffer through it with you, if only you’d let them. Maybe you know them, maybe you haven’t met them yet.

    But, trust me, you’re better off seeking help than trying to do it all alone.

    We can help image via Shutterstock

  • Lessons from Almost Dying: How to Appreciate the Everyday Awesome

    Lessons from Almost Dying: How to Appreciate the Everyday Awesome

    “We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” ~Bill Watterson

    “Rare as hell.” That’s how my doctor described my leukemia.

    The cancer had gotten real aggressive, real quick, and I’d need some heavy-duty chemo and a risky bone marrow transplant if I had any chance of surviving. How good a chance? “Forty to fifty percent,” said my doctor.

    Oof.

    As an otherwise healthy twenty-seven-year-old, cancer had been the furthest thing from my mind. Now, every waking thought was consumed by it. But I wasn’t ready to die. I decided to do whatever I could to beat the odds. It started with a list.

    One night during my initial stay at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto, I pulled out my journal.

    At the top of a new page I wrote the words “reasons to fight.” I then proceeded to write anything and everything that came to mind about what made life so awesome and so worth fighting for. Before I knew it, my list was 118 items long.

    Reviewing my hastily scrawled list, a number of things stood out. First, I was surprised how much food made the cut. The fact that “bagels with cream cheese” preceded “mom” should tell you something about how hungry and sick of hospital food I was when I wrote the list.

    Food bias aside, the people in my life certainly made a strong appearance—parents, brothers, sisters, friends, cousins, aunts, uncles. Finally, the list burst at the seams with life’s simple pleasures and experiential riches. Things like:

    • Gin and tonics (#40)
    • Hiking in the Fall (#19)
    • Tobogganing (#22)
    • Summer road trips (#81)
    • Building a fire (#35)
    • Slow-dancing (#46)
    • Writing (#66)
    • Beach sunsets (#77)
    • Skinny-dipping (#79)
    • Summer parties (#82)
    • Good conversation (#90)
    • The smell of campfires (#72)
    • Wedding receptions (#110)

    In our goal-oriented culture that places so much emphasis on reaching the next milestone, it was interesting to look back at my list.

    Lying on what could very well have been my deathbed, I wasn’t worried I’d miss out on getting a bigger house, fatter paycheck, or sexier job title. I wanted to live so I could continue to enjoy the little, everyday things with the people I loved.

    The Power of Being Present

    My near-death revelation call is hardly a new idea. For millennia, philosophers and world religions have been touting the virtues of living in the moment and appreciating the little things.

    In Buddhism, the Eightfold Path to achieving enlightenment includes Right Mindfulness: the practice of being completely present and paying full attention to the situation at hand.

    In 23 BC, the Greek poet Horace was penning Odes, famously reminding us to carpe diem—to seize the day and place no trust in the uncertainty of tomorrow.

    And in the 1800s, Henry David Thoreau strove to “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” during his simple living experiment at Walden Pond. “You must live in the present,” he concluded, “launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”

    Even 900-year-old Yoda had strong feelings about living in the moment, chiding Luke for having his head in the clouds. “All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon,” the Jedi Master scolded. “Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph.”

    That ancient wisdom is backed up with a growing body of modern research.

    In one study, researchers out of Harvard University developed an iPhone app to track the happiness levels of its participants at random intervals.

    The volunteers would reply with information about what they had just been focused on and how happy they felt. The results? People are at their happiest when they are living in the moment and focused on what they are doing.

    Other research shows that learning to savor small, positive moments can significantly increase your happiness.

    Similarly, studies show people who foster an “attitude of gratitude” for everyday activities are shown to sleep better, be in better physical health, and have lower stress levels.

    Mind Your Mibs

    Whether it’s daydreaming about the weekend, brooding about an argument you had last week, or burying your head in your smart phone, it’s easy to find ourselves in a million places other than the here and now.

    Furthermore, in our milestone-obsessed society, we tend to look to achievements down the road for fulfillment.

    I’ll be happy when I’m married… when I’m making 80k… when my I have a thousand followers on Twitter. We become so preoccupied with the destination that we lose sight of the journey, of the adventure in getting there.

    And don’t get me wrong: goals and milestones are important. They inspire us to be better, to try harder, to reach new heights.

    But as my list reminded me, as great as accomplishments are, there’s tremendous satisfaction to be found in the little Moments In Between—or “mibs” as I like to call them.

    Learning to embrace your mibs and live in the moment is an important way to find happiness on a daily basis.

    Easier said than done, of course, and I certainly still struggle with it. I even caught myself obsessing about edits I wanted to make to this article while I was out for a walk, instead of appreciating the fresh air and sunshine.

    But I’m trying. And with a little discipline, I think anyone can get better at minding their mibs. Here are a few suggestions:

    1. Enforce a no-phone rule.

    Sure, technology has the power to connect. But it’s also got a nasty habit of pulling us away from the moment. Commit to phone-free dinners and give your full attention to the people you’re with.

    2. Go for a “one-sense walk.”

    If you find yourself worrying about the million things you need to get done or obsessing about something in the past, lace up your sneakers and go for a walk. Choose a sense to focus on and start a mental inventory of everything you encounter.

    For example, you may choose “sight” and pay close attention to the colours of the houses or the different types of trees in your neighbourhood. Or you might choose to focus on the things you hear, like the birds chirping or the crunch of your footsteps.

    3. Make your own list.

    My reasons to fight list was a great reminder of all the simple, amazing things around me. Whether it’s making a list of your own, starting a gratitude journal, or getting into the habit of thinking about the little things you’re grateful for while you’re brushing your teeth, make time to regularly acknowledge life’s everyday awesome.

    4. Collect memories, not things.

    My list overflowed with life’s little adventures and amazing experiences. When opportunities arise to try something new, say yes. If it’s a choice between a new pair of designer jeans or a weekend camping trip by the lake, choose the lake.

    More than six years after writing my reasons to fight list, I’m thrilled to say I’m completely cancer-free. And while it was a gruelling journey, it was an enlightening one as well.

    It taught me to not pin my hopes for happiness on far-off or one-off accomplishments. It reminded me to live in the moment and helped me embrace the everyday awesome—whether it’s sunrises (#78 on my list), sandwiches (#99) or a freshly made bed (#50).

    In short, it taught me to mind my mibs.

  • The Art of Pain: Why the Dark Times Make Life Beautiful

    The Art of Pain: Why the Dark Times Make Life Beautiful

    Couple on the Beach Painting

    “In each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice… No one can live in the light all the time.” ~Libba Bray

    Happiness, and the quest for it, is not all it’s cracked up to be. What I mean is that I think we’re making a mistake in reaching only for happiness, lightness, good days, and good moods.

    I think that we’re restricting ourselves.

    We’re fishing in an ocean of emotions, looking to only reel in one or two kinds, throwing back the ones we don’t want without even noticing how shockingly beautiful they can be in their strange, confusing way, much like the fascinatingly mysterious fish of the deep sea.

    There was a long time in my life when I wanted happiness, so I avoided pain. I wanted to call myself brave, so I didn’t admit I was afraid.

    In my search for joy, I pushed away the other emotions I didn’t like, thinking I’d be left with only happiness.

    But something was still wrong. I wasn’t full. By denying myself the plethora of emotions and feelings we, as human beings, are supposed to experience, I was only connecting with myself on a surface level.

    I spent many of my days trying to achieve a persistent state of peace and happiness, and I wasn’t being honest with myself.

    How could I just be happy when my heart was broken in two? When my own dad wouldn’t talk to me anymore? When I was uncertain and afraid of the future and the path I decided to take.

    Yet all I wanted was happiness, and I kept pushing away anything else I felt that wasn’t “good.”

    It took me a while to realize that I didn’t feel like myself anymore. And that was because I wasn’t. I was pretending to be a flat placard of peace and joy, which isn’t very real, is it?

    I realized I was robbing my soul of all the emotions and feelings and desires it should have.

    Every feeling and all the changes we go through become precious when we realize they are all necessary, and they create contrasting beauty in our lives.

    Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be full inside?

    Happiness is fleeting. It flits in and out of our days like a bird, singing a beautiful song that we want to revel in all our life, for one moment while the sky is blue, not to be found on the days with dark clouds, heavy winds, and gray skies.

    But fullness—that is deep in our soul. When we have that, it never leaves. Fullness encompasses everything. It’s what allows us to be fully human in all the raw, real ways.

    We need the contrasts that fullness, not just happiness, provides us. How else can we know true joy if we have never known sorrow? How can we feel and trust the deepest kind of love if we have never felt heartbreak?

    In art, this is called chiaroscuro. It’s the play of light and dark within a picture, the idea that you need dark shading on one side in order to notice where the light is supposed to hit on the other.

    I believe that art reflects life.

    I think that by suppressing emotions we don’t like, such as fear and uncertainty and pain, we are taking away the shading of our own image. We’re denying ourselves the beautiful picture that needs the contrasts and shadows in order to be complete.

    Sometimes, two seemingly conflicting emotions can fit together and coexist. Have you ever felt that? Maybe you have pain inside you that you suppressed, and suddenly another person finds a way to gently bring it to the surface.

    That person and their kind eyes bring warmth to your heart, even while the pain is being laid bare.

    Happiness can fill your chest and sadness can well in your eyes until they are entwined in a beautifully poignant harmony. This is chiaroscuro in its most desired form—the shadow contrasting with the brilliant light, creating a depth and fullness that couldn’t be reached any other way.

    Don’t ever think that being so paralyzed by fear you don’t know how to take a step, or feeling angry and betrayed, or sobbing while your heart is in shreds, or feeling lonely or confused or uncertain or whatever you feel, is wrong or not good.

    It’s your shading, your shadows, making up the complete, beautifully exquisite image of your soul and your life.

    Couple on the beach painting via Shutterstock

  • Pearls of Puppy Wisdom: 7 Lessons from a Furry Little Sage

    Pearls of Puppy Wisdom: 7 Lessons from a Furry Little Sage

    Cavalier King Charles Puppy in the grass

    “Buy a pup and your money will buy love unflinching.” ~Rudyard Kipling

    I didn’t even want a puppy really. Puppies are synonymous with poop and pee. Everywhere. At least until they’re trained, and that takes time.

    Of course, they’re also synonymous with love and affection, puppy breath, and lots and lots of wet kisses. (I’ve learned to keep a towel handy around my little Bella.)

    Certain things I sort of expected when we got our little girl.

    I expected to lose some sleep for a bit.

    I was prepared to sacrifice the cleanliness of our home for a while. (Puppies and puppy toys are about as bad as actual baby messes, and sometimes worse.)

    I even expected to lose an object or two to the jaws of this teething little being—though my beloved $300 Bose noise-canceling ear-buds came as a very unwelcome surprise.

    That was the first lesson our puppy taught me. That hanging on to, dare I say being attached to, material objects is a sure-fire way to set yourself up for suffering.

    I mean, after all, they’re just headphones; they can be replaced.

    When it was all said and done, I was just thankful that she hadn’t chewed through an electrical cord somewhere and shocked herself to death.

    My second lesson under the tutelage of our King Charles Cavalier is one she delivers daily: Don’t forget to stretch.

    Not just after you’ve been sleeping all night, but every time you get up. Extend those limbs to their max and even let out a big yawn to open up your jaw muscles.

    This is a super important lesson for a guy like me that spends so much time hunched over his laptop.

    Speaking of which, it’s exactly when I’m hunched over my laptop that she offers up the third lesson: There’s always time for kisses.

    Now, I know there are many breeds of dogs and each has their own distinct characteristics. Well, the Cavalier is known for an enormous amount of affection; and Bella has it in spades.

    Hardly an hour of work goes by that she doesn’t jump up onto my lap and shower me with puppy kisses. And I’m not talking the quick little peck you might expect from other animals. No siree! She places her forelegs on either side of my neck and covers my face with hers.

    She’s a great reminder for me to give this same kind of love and attention to my family. You can never get (or give) too many kisses.

    The fourth lesson is one I’m still working on mastering, and that’s unconditional love.

    I would joke with my wife that only Bella loves me unconditionally, because if I locked them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, only Bella would be excited to see me and shower me with affection upon my return.

    My wife later experienced the truth of this when she had to leave our puppy in the car for a bit (not in any way endangered, mind you), and was greeted with great exuberance upon her return.

    Which leads me to the fifth lesson: dogs know how to let go. Well, maybe not of a bone, but of grudges, attachments, and feelings.

    Within two minutes of me scolding Bella for eating my ear-buds, she was right back on my lap and begging for playtime and attention.

    She somehow understood that my “No” said in anger was only a temporary thing. She didn’t add any story to it. She didn’t turn it into the idea that from now on I hated her.

    This lesson really got me looking at the places in my life where I could consider letting go. Where was I hanging on to a moment in time and carrying it with me into the future?

    Another great thing I’m learning from our puppy—don’t judge. That’s the sixth lesson.

    As I mentioned early on, I tend to work a lot over my computer, and she tends to try and distract me. In combination, it really does lower my productivity.

    So, sometimes I take Bella and place her in her kennel near me. She may whimper and whine occasionally, much preferring to be roaming loose, but I’ve noticed that she doesn’t judge.

    I mean, okay, maybe it’s a stretch to think that I can read her thoughts or feelings, but, to a large degree, I think I can. And I know that she isn’t sitting there thinking, Hmmmph! He’s just too damn lazy to play with me right now.

    And you know what? It feels good to not be judged. And when I tried it on the other way, it felt even better to not be judging others.

    I think our puppy’s onto something.

    And finally, the seventh lesson showed up over several days. That is, I didn’t see the lesson right away; I was just seeing, well, from human eyes.

    This lesson frequently takes place in my kitchen. On many occasions, I will make (and eat) my lunch standing at the kitchen counter. Please apply the sixth lesson here, and try not to judge me.

    As I’m prepping and eating my food, Bella sits patiently behind me, I suppose hoping for me to drop something. She’s so good about being quiet and not begging (and she’s just so damn cute) that I feel compelled to treat her.

    As I mentioned, I didn’t notice this last lesson for a few days, and then it came upon me like a ton of bricks. Bella never complained. Not one bit.

    Now, I know that may seem trivial, but hear me out.

    She would watch me take a big bite of my sandwich. Then another. And then a third, before I would lightly toss her a small piece of bread (about half the size of a kernel of corn).

    Then I went back to eating before I would treat her again in a bit.

    And then I noticed something big. I was placing very human thoughts into my perceived dialogue for her. That is, I imagined her thinking things like, Why is he getting to take big bites and I’m only getting crumbs? Or, Why won’t he just give me that whole damn sandwich?

    These thoughts I was giving her quickly devolved into things like, Wow, my master is a greedy jerk and What a selfish pig this guy is.

    It took a little bit before I let go of giving her any thoughts at all and actually tuned into what was likely more real.

    She was completely happy with what she got. Her thoughts were more likely in the line of “wonder” questions: I wonder if I’m going to get any food, followed by Oh, hey, I did. Brief pause. I wonder if I’m going to get any food.

    And maybe an occasional I wonder what that food tastes like.

    This lesson was my favorite because it’s all about being present. And not just being present, but also letting go of the need to make things up about the present. The need to give meaning to what we see in the world.

    My little puppy Bella, my great sage, is teaching me all the time. She’s a great example of being, here, now.

    Now if I can just teach her to poop outside.

    Cavalier King Charles puppy image via Shutterstock

  • The Power of Presence : A Few Simple Ways to Enjoy Life More Now

    The Power of Presence : A Few Simple Ways to Enjoy Life More Now

    “All that is important is this one moment in movement. Make the moment important, vital, and worth living. Do not let it slip away unnoticed and unused.” ~Martha Graham

    I am someone who is always focusing on the next step rather than the step I am currently taking. I am always longing for the next thing in life.

    Looking forward to the future isn’t a bad thing, but when it consumes 90% of your daily thoughts, it becomes a bit exhausting.

    My energy has always been restless. I get bored easily, crave change constantly, and yearn for immediate fulfillment. At one point, I realized I was letting a good life pass me by.

    I have been working full-time and have been a student year-round for over five years. Life has been repetitive for a long time, lots and lots of work with very little playtime.

    This began to leave my mind in a constant state of restlessness, and there was no turning it off.

    I craved more meaning out of life, richer experiences, and deep soul-searching. I had big ideas of what I wanted to do, so many ideas that it began to overtake me and make me feel angry about the life I was living.

    I became impatient and intolerant of my own life. I was in a rut. I felt completely out of control and stuck.

    I had always admired people who were able to be present and live in the moment. I had never been that type of person, and I really wanted to be.

    I realized the only thing I could control was the present moment; I could not control the future because it hadn’t happened yet. So I decided to focus my restless energy on things I could change that would help me live a happier life right now.

    In the brief moments when I wasn’t working, or at class, or doing homework, I decided to try turning off that multi-tasking motor in my brain. I began to focus on one thing, and one thing only. It could be something as simple as brushing my teeth or doing the dishes.

    You’d be amazed at how enjoyable simple activities can be if you enter them with a positive and uncluttered mind.

    I also decided to pick up a hobby and learn something new; I dabbled in a bit of photography and taught myself basic functions of the camera and different tricks and techniques. While school and work are stimulating, I often do things because I am told to do them, not because I want to.

    This was a refreshing perspective and a great outlet for that restless energy.

    I also started saying “no” less, and “yes” more. This forced me out of my comfort zone and enriched me with those new experiences I had been craving, even if they were small and simple. There’s nothing better than finding comfort in chaos and testing your boundaries.

    Once I began to practice these things daily, I started seeing benefits. I felt happier, more secure, and full of life again. My heart began to open and the weight that had been pulling me down began to lift.

    If you find yourself rushing through the present, focusing on the future, and not enjoying your daily life, it might help to try these small changes for yourself: fully immerse yourself in what you’re doing instead of multitasking, try a new hobby to create more moments where you’re engaged in something fun, and practice saying “yes” to things that you normally wouldn’t.

    This will push you out of your comfort zone and allow you to discover new things about yourself. It’s a lot easier to live in the now when you feel blissfully alive in the now.

    There will be times when you find your mind shifting somewhere that you don’t want it to go. Don’t judge it. Acknowledge it, and then mindfully transition yourself back to the present moment. With a little practice you will be amazed by how in control of your thoughts you really are.

    While I still have goals and dreams for the future, I am now focusing on what I can work on to be fulfilled in the present. These are the moments that matter; these are the moments that will soon be the past. We are not promised tomorrow, but we are promised right now.

    Live in it. Breathe it. Take in as much of this moment as you can.

    You are capable of being your best self, and you are capable of doing it right now. I challenge you to challenge yourself, to live in this moment, to break through your limits, and to find the very best, most present you.