Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Why We Should All Stop Trying to Be Good Enough

    Why We Should All Stop Trying to Be Good Enough

    Man Sitting Under Tree

    “Only something as insane as human beings would ever asked themselves if ‘I’m good.’ You don’t find oak trees having existential crisis. ‘I feel so rotten about myself. I don’t produce as much acorns as the one next to me.’” ~Adyashanti

    The feeling of not being good enough is widespread among the population regardless of age or social status. Even people who, from society’s standards, are highly successful may very well feel they are not good enough and that something is missing.

    For most of my life, I suffered from that feeling of not being good enough.

    When I joined a master’s degree program a year and half ago, I was shocked to see how smart some students in my class were. I was surrounded by people who had more work experience than me and were way more confident than I was.

    Sometimes I felt stupid in their presence. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find a way to contribute in class. Never befor had I felt such a deep sense of not being good enough.

    Achieving, learning, or experiencing more never seemed enough to fix my issue. I started to seriously question whether anything I would accomplish could ever help me feel “good enough.”

    I perfectly understood that there would always be people around me that are more confident, more attractive, smarter, richer, or more knowledgeable than I am, but this still didn’t make me feel better.

    Since I always felt that my duty was to contribute to society, feeling that I couldn’t contribute as much as I would like to made it difficult for me to maintain a healthy self-esteem.

    When it comes to self-worth, experts generally recommend using positive affirmations, learning to be more self-compassionate, or achieving small goals to create momentum and build confidence.

    These techniques are certainly good ways to build self-esteem, and I used them personally with some success. However, it’s likely that they might be missing the point.

    Rather than “How can I feel good enough?” wouldn’t a better question be: “Do I need to feel good enough?” or “Is it actually possible not to be good enough?”

    Most people spend their life trying to be good enough, to be liked and appreciated, often without actually succeeding to fill a void within themselves. It’s insane to see how everyone tries so hard to be “somebody.”

    I started wondering if, during all that time I spent trying to be good enough, I wasn’t actually fighting the wrong battle.

    Our society conditions people to tie up their self-worth to how much they “contribute,” and that supposed “contribution” often refers to the amount of money we earn or our social status. Society creates an artificial duality between “successful” people and others.

    Nowadays, the idea of success is a constant obsession. Media and personal development websites are continually talking about what more can be done to become more successful. Success has become the Holy Grail to pursue, the only path to living a life worth living and earning recognition from society.

    However, I could easily come up with names of people that are regarded as “successful” from society’s standards, but are not from an objective point of view.

    Interestingly, the definition of success is rarely explained. It seems as if we have all agreed with society’s definition. There appears to be very little space to question it; however, could the assumption under which we operate our life actually be false?

    To be honest, this whole idea of good enough or not good enough is nonsense. I’m sure the doctor didn’t tell your parents when you were born that, “I’m sorry, but your son won’t be good enough.”

    The entire paradigm of “good enough or not good enough” comes from the misconception that we need to become “somebody” and that other people have the power to determine our self-worth.

    It is a mere product of social conditioning, not of reality, and it certainly doesn’t have to be that way!

    Depending on your belief or reasoning, you could spend your entire life just meditating under a tree, doing absolutely nothing, and you would still be totally relevant as a human being.

    So why don’t we get rid of that concept once and for all, discard it as irrelevant, and rebuild our life on a healthier assumption?

    Being a total “failure” under society’s standards can never ever make you a failure as a human being. Nothing can turn you into a not-good-enough person without your consent, without you buying into the current fallacious assumption that society is telling you to live under.

    Sure, you might have failed at many of the things you’ve tried and some of your friends might be more “successful” than you are, but then, does that mean you are not good enough? Does that really mean you are not worthy?

    If you buy into society’s expectations, yes, probably. If you don’t, the question then cannot be answered, because it’s irrelevant!

    A tree doesn’t have self-esteem issues. A bird doesn’t ask itself, “Am I good enough?” Why should you?

    Are your attempts to become somebody actually working? If not, it might be time for you to stop trying to be “somebody” and just relax.

    Imagine the sense of freedom that you would experience if you were to stop trying to be “good enough.” Suddenly, the burden you’ve being carrying on your shoulders would become lighter.

    You could then enjoy your time with others without trying to impress them. You’d be able to free up your energy for more creative purposes. Suddenly, you could just be yourself.

    The greatest and wisest spiritual teachers of all time stopped trying to be somebody because they realized that it was not possible. If after all those years of inquiry and self-reflection they came to that conclusion, is it possible that they were on to something?

    So do you really need to be good enough? Are you fighting the right battle? This is something you might want to meditate on. It might require some time before you can change your former conception, but isn’t it worth trying?

    Personally, I chose to fight less and to progressively distance myself from the battlefield. I’m not “not good enough” or “good enough.” I am just who I am and that’s more than enough!

    Man sitting under tree image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Life-Changing Lessons You’re Never Too Old to Learn

    5 Life-Changing Lessons You’re Never Too Old to Learn

    Older Hikers

    “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~Confucius

    My son was only a year and a half old when I left his father and began my journey as a single parent. I never in a million years thought I would be raising my child alone. But away I went, with no clue as to what I was doing. I figured I’d learn as I went.

    I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those moms that are too strict, too overbearing, and too controlling. I wanted my child to grow up with some freedom, some direction, but most importantly, some values.

    It was imperative that he treated everyone equally, including people begging on the street for change, and that he not be afraid to try new things.

    I have always had a “throw caution to the wind” kind of attitude (with a touch of fear), and as my son got older, I realized he was adopting it. Yes! Success!

    I wanted him to experience the good, the bad, and the ugly, and to learn from them. I wanted him to live and let live.

    As he grew into his teen and young adult years, I started getting a little more concerned. He was taking too many chances and doing things that scared me.

    Like that time he went to Florida with a group of friends and decided he wanted to go somewhere without them. Off he went, alone, hitchhiking. Yes, Mom was horrified.

    Then there was the time he and a friend drove to Boston to attend a music festival, got lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and ended up in some tiny village that probably would have been a good setting for a Stephen King movie. Yup, horrified again.

    “Mom, relax,” he would tell me, followed by “Wasn’t it you that told me to try new things?” Darn. It was me. The trouble was, he actually listened. I didn’t really mean it. Did I?

    I sometimes worked two jobs to make ends meet. Julian saw, appreciated, and totally respected that.

    He never wanted for anything, but he also never took it for granted. Unfortunately, he grew up in somewhat of a poor household. We struggled, but we were happy. Anything I couldn’t give him, he was fortunate enough to get from his grandparents.

    Once he was on his own, he worked hard, made lots of money, and hoarded it because he was scared of being poor again. He held on to it for dear life and wouldn’t let go.

    Until something happened.

    He got let go from his job and ironically enough, he couldn’t have cared less. Armed with more savings than a twenty-six year old should legally have, away he went on his worldly adventures. My anxiety kicked into overdrive.

    Over the last two years, Julian has lived the life most people only dream of. Along the way, he’s taught me a few invaluable lessons. I hope they enlighten you as they did me.

    1. Stuff is just stuff.

    This one was an eye opener for me. The things we hold onto, the things we buy, what’s it all for? I need a bigger TV. I think I need more clothes. I definitely have to have that chair. So much stuff. Do we really need it?

    In the event you ever decide to pack up and run away, what are you gonna do with all that stuff?

    I’ve downsized, and I’m ready to bolt at a moment’s notice, because Julian showed me that the less you have, the happier you will be.

    When he packed up his backpack to travel through Asia, he didn’t have to stress about what to do with his things because he had so little. He’s only ever had the bare necessities, and he’s always been happy.

    The simpler I live, the less stuff I have, the easier life is. I can honestly say I truly have everything I need. He’s right. Stuff is just stuff.

    2. People are people no matter where you go.

    How often do you wonder if the people in the Bahamas have a better life, or if the people in New York are more stressed, or maybe the people in Los Angeles really are richer? Who cares?

    As Julian learned in his travels, no matter where you go, everyone has the same problems. Work, life, kids, bills, sickness, poverty.

    We’re all people and we all have stories. We are all on this planet with the same goals. We all live, breathe, laugh, play, cry, and die. Be kind to each other. Treat everyone the same—with respect and compassion—no matter where you are. We are all in this together.

    3. The world is big and beautiful. Go see it.

    Julian posts the most amazing photos on Facebook and Instagram, and I look at them in awe. I can’t believe my son has seen these absolutely breathtaking places.

    His message to me is always the same: “Get out of that dump of a town you live in and go see places!”

    Not everyone has a huge savings to use for travels around the world, and many of us can’t up and leave our lives for years, but we can venture out beyond the world we know, whether that means visiting a new city, a new state, or a new country.

    As Julian says, if you want it bad enough, you’ll figure out a way to do it. He’s right. And I will.

    4. Things don’t need to be so complicated.

    I’m guilty of making mountains out of molehills. Things that really annoy me, anger me, scare me, and just freak me out usually end up being easily managed anyway. Things are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.

    Julian always tells me, “Relax, Mom. Just relax. Life is awesome.”

    I know it’s easy to say this when you’re young, not tied to anything, and you’re having the time of your life. But life truly is a lot easier and more enjoyable when you relax, keep your eye on the big picture, and focus on the good things instead of stressing out about everything that seems bad.

    5. Life is short. Be brave and take chances.

    Get out of your box and go do things. Many things. Adventurous things, scary things, fun things, not so fun things (because you won’t know that they aren’t fun until you try them).

    Seriously, get out of your comfort zone. There is a plethora of adventures awaiting you. Julian tackled deep sea diving and said it was the most beautiful thing he has ever done. That’s what I’m talking about.

    —

    At fifty-two years young I am now taking the advice of a twenty-seven year old. I’m more relaxed, I’m planning adventures, I’m finding ways where before there was just excuses, I’m minimalizing, and I have a new love for life.

    Deep sea diving? Maybe not, but I’m not opposed to zip lining.

    Seniors hiking image via Shutterstock

  • Dealing with Verbal Attacks: 6 Ways to Take the Sting Out of an Insult

    Dealing with Verbal Attacks: 6 Ways to Take the Sting Out of an Insult

    Man Yelling

    “Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes other people’s words can stir up very painful emotions in us.

    Do you remember when you felt so disempowered by someone’s remarks that you froze on the spot and couldn’t think of anything to say back to them?

    Or maybe you did say something, but it was so lame that you wished afterward you’d kept your mouth shut and just sucked it all up.

    This happened to me recently when I was helping someone and, instead of gratitude, I received verbal abuse. I learned a valuable lesson from it that I would like to share with you.

    When Words Make You Speechless

    As part of my job, I provided home care for an elderly lady, and from day one I had a feeling we would clash.

    She was eccentric, quick to judge, and unafraid about voicing her opinions. Being a timid person, I always tried to avoid conflicts with such people.

    One seemingly unremarkable day, as I was finishing my duties at her house, I began to engage in small talk with her. I was stunned when she replied out of the blue, “You are so stupid! Your whole being, and the way you are!”

    Within a split second I was swimming in negative emotions, so shocked that I literally froze in my tracks. I stood there in disbelief, unable to say a single word, wrapped in embarrassment and shame.

    Then came the internal chatter. “How could she be so insensitive? Does she realize how hurt I feel? I should say something back, but I just can’t think what.”

    From deep pain to personal empowerment

    I walked away that day vowing never to feel so weakened by someone’s statements again.

    I went over this episode in my mind, looking for answers. Within a few weeks, I no longer felt hurt. Instead, I had developed a new perspective—I needed this experience to resolve something within myself.

    I have had similar incidents since then, and my reaction is now completely different. I’m freer and stronger.

    You can be, too.

    It can take a while, but determination and conscious effort will bring you the gift of a new perspective, just as it did for me.

    Taking the Sting out of Insulting Words

    Being verbally abused hurts. It’s perfectly natural to react defensively—but once the initial shock has worn off, here are six ways you can turn your reaction into something positive.

    1. Allow yourself to ruminate in a healthy way.

    It’s normal to replay upsetting events in your mind to get a handle on them. Done right, introspection is a valuable device for personal growth and empowerment.

    Thoughts and images from a hurtful episode will pop up time and again as long as it still bothers you. So instead of suppressing them, allow them to surface. Observe them—but without obsessing and getting stuck in a mental loop.

    Then, each time memories of the event surface, ask yourself if you are ready to let go of the shame that accompanies them. Think of this process as using an eraser; every time you rub away, the pain will start to fade and soon only a faint mark will remain.

    2. Identify the other person’s (possible) motive.

    In situations like this, convincing yourself you’ve done something wrong can be an automatic reaction.

    Although you’ll never know for sure why someone gains pleasure from dishing out verbal abuse, you can make some educated guesses. Unless the person is a total stranger, you’ll have some understanding about them and you can figure out if they are intentionally malicious or just thoughtless and not worth wasting your energy on.

    But don’t just rely on your own intuition—get a second opinion. Be a detective and quiz mutual acquaintances. They’ll likely share similar stories, and might even add insights that will help relieve more of your emotional burden. (This is not gossip—it’s for your own peace of mind.)

    When I spoke to friends about my experience, I heard nearly identical tales of how this woman had bullied and intimidated others. I knew that bullies are usually suffering themselves, so these stories confirmed to me that she had acted from a state of pain herself, meaning that her words were not true reflections of me.

     3. Turn the spotlight inward.

    To better prepare yourself for the next time you are insulted, spend a little time reflecting on why you are so affected by the words of others in the first place. What beliefs do you hold that contribute to your reactions?

    Think about how, in the heat of the moment, you are so swallowed up by emotions that you can’t think clearly. What creates this storm inside you?

    For me this answer took a while, but I now think it was about pride—I felt my identity was under threat. I was attached to the idea that everyone should treat me kindly, so my world was shattered when someone didn’t.

    Upon reflection, I figured I’d do myself a favor if I didn’t expect to be liked by everybody and instead embraced the possibility that conflicts might occur.

    What beliefs do you hold that might be counterproductive to your emotional wellbeing?

    4. Know what words really are.

    Another thing I learned on this journey was that words by themselves are not harmful. It’s the meanings they carry that make them powerful.

    Imagine having a conversation with someone who speaks a different language than you. Nothing the other person says to you makes sense. You look at them blankly, trying to piece some meaning together out of the jumble of sounds you hear. It wouldn’t matter if they were cursing or flirting—you wouldn’t know the difference.

    So why is it that once you are aware of what these words mean, they have the potential to hurt? At some point you learned to associate words with meanings, but in reality they are just sounds. It’s up to you what you make of them.

    5. Own your vulnerability.

    Open your heart to the possibility of being wounded by others’ words. Life is never a smooth ride, and sometimes other people will hurt you with what they say. They may even render you silent when you’d rather stand up for yourself.

    Remember that a small bump in the road doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you have to hide. Accept that you sometimes won’t have the courage to act, but you can change over time.

    The key, I’ve found, is slowly opening up. Share your true self with others. The more you admit your ”imperfections,” the more others will respect and accept you. Talking things over with friends, family, or even someone neutral makes you more human and relatable.

    As researcher, author, and speaker Brené Brown has said, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” Therefore, to prove your shame wrong, go out there and talk about it. After a while it will diminish and go away.

    6. Resolve to speak up next time.

    All this insight can help you deal with past insults, but what about the next time someone verbally attacks you? After all your reflection and internalizing the importance of bravery, will you be ready to stand up for yourself and fight back?

    Sure enough, I didn’t have to wait too long for another round of insults by someone else. She was big, bold, and brash.

    This time the stakes were higher—we were in the company of other people whom I knew and respected. And this woman didn’t just aim a word or sentence at me; it was an entire barrage of accusations intended to undermine my persona.

    I waited until we were in private. Then I said my piece with real force and emphasis. The end result? She never treated me like that again. And I grew enormously in my own eyes.

    You can do this, too.

    Reclaim Your Inborn Power

    We were all born with a perfect system to take on life’s challenges, be that running away from a tiger or standing up for ourselves.

    If you believe you’ve lost the ability to stand firm in the face of insults, it’s never too late to get it back.

    You’re perfect as you are now, warts, vulnerabilities, and all.

    So don’t let a little wobble like someone’s words throw you off track. Take it in stride and remember they are just sounds that you are giving certain meanings to.

    Because insulting words don’t just have the potential for hurt. They also have immense power to change your life for the better.

    The question is, are you ready to use the verbal attacks of others as fuel for personal growth?

    I was a timid person and I did it—so I know you can, too.

    Man yelling image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Lessons from a Dog on Overcoming Life’s Hardest Challenges

    5 Lessons from a Dog on Overcoming Life’s Hardest Challenges

    Golden Retriever

    “A challenge only becomes an obstacle when you bow to it.” ~Ray Davis

    I remember very clearly the first moment I saw our dog, Carmichael, or Carmy, as we called her for short.

    One tiny pup in a litter of eight Golden Retrievers, it was love at first sight, and I knew she was “the one.” As the years progressed, she became my best friend, confidante, and companion. We were inseparable.

    Opening the front door when returning from school, she would be there waiting, wagging her tail, with the biggest grin on her face.

    She would patiently wait for me to finish my homework, and then we would head out for her turn to play. At night I even wanted her to sleep in my bed; however, Carmy had other ideas and liked sleeping on the floor. It was clear for all to see that we had a bond that could never be broken.

    Our lives together were filled with fun, frolic, and sharing; and as I grew older, so did she.

    As she entered her early senior years, she began to develop hip problems and started to go blind. But devastating as this may have been to us humans, Carmy handled it with grace and love.

    She refused to let the situation bother her, and instead, always insisted on living each moment to the fullest, residing completely in the here and now, with me.

    We enjoyed thirteen precious years together. Through it all, Carmy was my hero and my champion. She overcame every obstacle thrown her way, and always met challenge with a big smile.

    5 Life Lessons Courtesy of Carmy

    1. Always find something to be happy about.

    As Carmy got older, we discovered that she had diabetes, which meant we had to give her two shots each day. However, she always showed determination to be positive.

    Instead of getting depressed after the painful jabs, she simply romped off, as only a Golden Retriever can, looking for food and living for the moment once more.

    Indeed, dinner was one of her favorite events of the day, and she was always the first at the table with an exalted expression of delight if she discovered a fallen crumb.

    When I lost my career and livelihood due to a series of self-inflicted crises, I became depressed and went through the grieving process. When I fell into those moments of feeling sorry for myself, I looked to Carmy as inspiration and tried to find something that brought me joy. In my case, it turned out to be cooking.

    My sister and I made a pact. We agreed to get together every weekend to rustle up a new dish. For those few fantastic hours, we would craft, create, slice, and dice. During those times I experienced complete happiness.

    I realized now how Carmy had felt and appreciated the sheer wonder of living completely in the moment.

    Whatever you’re going through, you can find something that will bring you joy. You just have to be open to it.

    2. Enjoy the ride.

    As you already know, diabetes required us to give Carmy two shots every day. Her partial blindness made it difficult for her to see, and toward the end of her life, her joints started to bother her. Yet you would never find Carmy worried about the future, or depressed about the loss of her youth or mobility.

    She just continued to reside firmly in the present, relishing every scratch of her ears. She thrived on wagging her tail whenever visitors arrived, and made it her purpose in life to be “master-cleaner,” licking every floor in the house!

    When I discovered that my dad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, I thought my world would end.

    My mind was a flurry of “what ifs” and “whys.” During that time, I found great inspiration in thinking of Carmy. It reminded me to focus on what was in front of me—my dad. We had fourteen spectacular months together, and I am very grateful that I was with him during that time.

    It may seem like your world is ending, but you’re still here—and there are still things to appreciate and enjoy.

    3. Adapt to change.

    Carmy and I had always lived out lives inseparably, and as a result, she always used to travel with me in the car. However, when her joints made hopping into the car too painful, I found a portable step stool, which enabled her to clamber in carefully and gently.

    It was all that she needed. She continued to sit in the back, and I could see her usual grin from the rear view mirror.

    After my dad passed away, I knew my life would never be the same again. That painful period could have easily sent me into spiraling depression. However, the thought of Carmy and her incredible ability to adapt led me to understand that, although there’s not one day that I don’t miss my dad, my relationship with him did not have to stop.

    I learned to develop a new one, based on spirituality, and focused on carrying on his legacy. Carmy taught me that when we are patient, we can adapt to new life changes.

    4. Same routine, different methods.

    Even when Carmy was suffering badly with her illnesses, she tried to stick to her usual routines. She continued to go outside, though of course, couldn’t walk as far. On those walks, she still focused on sniffing the grass, examining the trees, and occasionally bringing her favorite stick inside.

    Her life was based on a specific regime, and she even took her naps around the same time. Carmy didn’t allow any of her challenges to overtake her life.

    It took me a long time to emerge from the violent storm of emotion that submerged me when my dad passed away. And again, remembering Carmy, I continued my routines until I began to appreciate how they offered me renewed stability and comfort while navigating my new reality.

    Your life may be changing, but you can create some consistency, and that can bring you great comfort.

    5. Live the moment, and make the most of it.

    You already know that Carmy was something of a foodie. Her favorite food was her weekend bagel.

    Every weekend, we would buy bagels; and every weekend, Carmy would seize hers, then rush out to the backyard to bury it. She would take the time to find the perfect spot to hide it, then proceed with her particular burying process.

    As she grew older, her beloved habit of romping off into the yard with her bagel also changed. Her age brought about something quite curious, because although she couldn’t run off and bury them, she did develop a new habit.

    She would take her bagels and bury them inside. I would discover bagels under rugs, in the trashcan, and even under the carpet.

    It was during the time that I had made bad decisions in my career that I felt myself on the brink of falling apart. Once again, I found myself looking at the lessons Carmy had taught me.

    When a friend suggested a job that I wasn’t really interested in, I decided to take it, in order to give me the chance to re-examine my life, focus on my passion, and figure out how I might contribute in the world.

    Be open to different possibilities. Trying new things just may enable you to make the best of your new reality.

    —

    Carmy, in her inimitable ways, provided a wonderful example of how I wanted to approach life. She taught me lessons about bravery and helped me understand how to overcome challenges. Those lessons will stay with me forever. I hope they’ll stick with you too.

    Golden retriever image via Shutterstock

  • You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    “It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.” ~Unknown

    When we’re deep into something it’s hard to see clearly and to hear advice from others. It’s hard to focus on a solution when we are consumed with the problem.

    It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess. It’s so much easier to see checkmate when you’re not the one playing the game.

    That’s what happened to me for the last five years.

    I spent every breathing moment consumed with a man, unable to listen to those who watched me struggle. I spent five years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.

    For five years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never-ending cycle of depression and humiliation.

    I destroyed my reputation and slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behavior, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?

    Still, I couldn’t stop. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For five years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.

    And then I got pregnant, in the midst of the chaos and passion that was our on-and-off relationship.

    Everyone around me pressured me to have an abortion. I knew they were worried about me, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son.

    And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise our child. While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. I broke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character.

    I was wrong.

    From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. He hurt me during the most vulnerable time in my life. Then months later he told me he loved me.

    We did this back and forth game throughout my entire pregnancy. It felt like an eternal emotional tug of war. It was draining. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do.

    I chased him out of fear.

    I chased him for me.

    I chased him for our son.

    I chased him for the home and family I had built in my mind for so many years.

    I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle.

    And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick.

    Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. And the three of us would finally be a family.

    That never happened, of course. My son and I never got that family. And I now know we never will.

    I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind.

    For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. I put him and our connection on a pedestal. I idolized and worshiped every part of him.

    But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him.

    It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

    Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

    I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.

    If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.

    He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.

    It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.

    He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.

    If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.

    It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

    Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

    We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

    The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.

    But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

    Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.

    We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.

    If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.

    I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.

    Wasted time is wasted life.

  • How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

    How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

    “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

    Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.

    In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:

    1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.

    This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.

    Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.

    What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.

    2. Live your life as you want to live it.

    When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.

    This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!

    And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.

    3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.

    A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.

    Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.

    So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.

    You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.

    A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.

    You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.

    4. If you are attracted to particular qualities in someone else, find or develop those qualities in yourself.

    Most of us express only a small part of who we are. We limit ourselves to the personality—or self—we have become in response to our childhood environment. This is an unavoidable stage in our developmental process because we have to form a self—or ego—that enables us to survive and hopefully thrive in our family and social setting.

    And the way we do that is by developing characteristics that meet our survival needs and pushing away any characteristics that aren’t valued or needed.

    So we all have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that at some point we need to unearth.

    When we haven’t yet unearthed and embraced our disowned parts, we are drawn into relationships with others who express those parts. It is like we are unconsciously trying to complete ourselves through our relationships.

    These relationships usually involve intense attraction at first and are characterized by feelings of completeness. But inevitably, they become stifled by strong relationship patterns that form where people get stuck relating to one another from one main part of themselves that bonds with its opposite in the other person. These are called “bonding patterns.”

    So, for example, a very responsible man might become a “responsible father” in relation to his partner’s inner “pleasing daughter,” and a nurturing woman might become a “nurturing mother” to her partner’s inner “needy son.”

    If the woman doesn’t become conscious of her own responsibility, she will rely on her partner to be responsible. And if the man doesn’t connect with his nurturing side, he will want to be nurtured by her. But then when stresses and vulnerabilities arise in the relationship, these bonding patterns turn negative, and the partners turn on each other.

    I am so grateful to have learned about bonding patterns because the awareness of them not only helps enormously in my relationship, but they also act as a guide for which parts of myself I have lost connection to.

    Because bonding patterns are the natural way that we give and receive love, they are unavoidable. And no matter how conscious we become, there is always something that’s unconscious! But bonding patterns can be navigated successfully.

    When you become aware that you are attracted to other people because of what you have disowned in yourself, and then work on owning those qualities in yourself, your relationships transform.

    If you are in a relationship already and you begin this process, then as you and your partner reclaim your disowned selves, you start to become more fully yourselves with each other and your relationship will become richer.

    5. Engage with life; accept the gifts that are offered to you.

    The night I met my husband a friend had invited me to a party hosted by one of her friends, and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go.

    I was tempted to decline the invitation because I didn’t know the person whose party it was, and it was a Sunday night, so I had work the next day. But I didn’t have a compelling reason not to go and I had promised myself that I would accept the gifts life offered me, such as saying yes to invitations that seemed to come from nowhere. And this was one of those.

    When I got to that party, there he was: my future husband, with whom I have had three children and twenty-five years of a wonderful life together.

    Was I looking for someone when I went to that party?

    No. And it was a surprise to meet him there. If I had been intentionally looking for a partner, I probably would not have even spoken to my husband that night.

    When you look at each person you encounter as if you are screening them for a job with a life-long contract, it changes the organic flow of events and natural connection that forms with the people you encounter. It is also off-putting to be evaluated as a “catch” and it is likely to make people run from you!

    The simplest way to stop assessing others as potential life partners is to just stop looking for a partner and connect with the people you meet with genuine interest. Then enjoy the type of relationship that naturally develops—or doesn’t—whether that’s a friendship, a business connection, or a bond based on a mutual interest.

    6. When you meet someone, don’t hurry things; allow the relationship to unfold.

    When you meet someone you have a good connection with, allow that connection to develop and grow. If the person is a soul mate, he or she will also be into you, so if you both pay genuine attention to each other then something will develop.

    There is no need to play games or to try particular seduction techniques or to achieve milestones by a particular time. A successful long-term relationship is not a game.

    Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to manipulate into it? Do you want your partner to be enchanted by an image you have created so that you have to hide yourself in some way? Or do you want your partner to love you wholeheartedly? What kind of relationship do you want to bring children into if you end up having them?

    Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, so how your relationship unfolds will be unique too. You can’t plan for it to go a particular way. You have to engage with the process of it and with each other, and then make decisions as you go. There is no one line you can say, no one action you can take, that will lead to a particular result.

    All you can do is live your life more fully, learn to accept and love yourself more fully, and you will love and be loved more fully.

  • Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

    One of the things I love about the Native American spiritual path is the focus on appreciating the simple things in life.

    Simple things are often hard to relate to in today’s world of overwhelm.

    Eric Schmidt, executive chairman of Google, says we human beings currently create as much information in two days as we did from the dawn of civilization up through 2003!

    And yet our bodies were, and still are, designed to be in tune with the sun, the moon, the seasons, and the cycles of nature. That simplicity is what our souls long for.

    So our adaption to the “modern age” has been fraught with peril to our peace of mind and our health.

    Our ancestors greeted the sun each morning, enjoyed simple home-cooked meals, played with their children and grandchildren, and delighted in a beautiful sunset, with no television to lure them inside on a beautiful summer evening.

    I am as tempted as the next person to watch a good TV show, but I have found that the evenings when I putter in the kitchen, making a healthy meal while listening to relaxing music, are much more fulfilling.

    Finding Meaning in the Little Things

    I designed my house around being able to have African violets in the kitchen window.

    I did it because my grandmother had them in her kitchen window. That meant the kitchen window had to be in the south, because that gave them the best light.

    So my entire house was designed around having a south-facing kitchen window for African violets.

    Every time I stand at the kitchen sink and see them, I think of my grandmother. And it becomes a simple, heartfelt connection to the past.

    Native Americans sought a simple, earth-based lifestyle also. No one who truly understood the responsibility involved ever sought to be a “medicine man.” They longed to be a simple human being, living a simple life.

    My first Native American teacher, Sun Bear, said, “I’m not interested in any philosophy unless it can help me grow corn.” Meaning, knowledge that makes our lives better is what’s most valuable.

    It’s fine to spend time philosophizing about lofty ideals, but how does that help you if you’re unable to enjoy a cup of tea, or a sunset, or delight in watching a child take her first steps?

    Living a peaceful, fulfilling life is sacred.

    Is There More to Life Than This?

    I remember an episode of the sitcom Seinfeld in which Jerry Seinfeld was, for once in his life, thoughtful and sensitive. In reviewing his shallow life, he asked, “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

    His neighbor Kramer replied, “I know the answer to that: There isn’t!”

    What if there isn’t more to life than simplicity, appreciating every day, helping others, and being kind when we can? I think that’s not so bad!

    I have two friends who recently retired and told me they asked themselves, “What should we do now with our time?”

    And they decided they just want to help people. They’re very handy and told me that whenever I need something fixed around the house, to just call them and they’ll come fix it at no charge. They do it just for the pure joy of it.

    It helps me enormously and gives them the fulfilling feeling of having helped someone. What a simple retirement solution.

    And I get the joy of inviting them over to dinner as a thank you.

    Spiritual Acts in Daily Life

    Here are some things that I feel are sacred in life, and they certainly are simple. Perhaps making time to add them to your day will bring the sacred back into it:

    1. Prayer.

    2. Meditation.

    3. Time in nature.

    4. Time with children; they certainly know how to live in the moment.

    5. Meal preparation. It’s an opportunity to pray over your food. Make it a meditation.

    6. Greet the day. Watch the sun rise and say, ”Thank you.”

    7. Say “goodnight” to the day and express gratitude for everything that happened that day.

    8. Declutter your home, which also leads to decluttering your mind. I’m going through a massive purging right now, getting rid of things I no longer use. It feels as though I’m opening up my mind and soul for a fresh breeze to flow through and renew me.

    9. Awake early to have time to meditate, breathe, and watch the birds, while slowly, mindfully, drinking a cup of coffee or tea.

    10. When you feel the need to buy something, stop. Wait twenty-four hours. Why do you want it? Do you need it? What void is it filling? What else can fill it?

    11. Do you keep the T.V. on without even watching it? Living alone, I am well aware that sometimes I like the T.V on just to hear the voices of other people. But I’ve recently taken to leaving the T.V. off and listening to music instead. So I still hear voices, but more pleasant ones.

    Here are a few things turning off the T.V. can give you: time with a loved one, time for exercise, time for meditation, time for self, time to observe nature, time for a nap.

    Why not take some time to slow down, incorporate some of these spiritual acts into your day, and see what a difference it makes?

  • Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    If you’re anything like I used to be, your inner critic packs a powerful punch.

    You’ve got a vicious voice bad mouthing you for much of the day. And when it’s in one of those moods, wow, are you going to suffer.

    It’s no wonder you feel small, disappointed, and ashamed of who you are.

    It’s the reason you lie in bed at night feeling like a failure, convinced you’re a nobody, certain you’re a serial mistake maker.

    It was exactly why I used to just lie in the dark, a lot. Most days in fact. Not sleeping, not even thinking, just lying.

    I was forever longing for my life to go away. I’d gotten so good at beating myself up that each day seemed to present more opportunities to fail, to feel insignificant and never good enough.

    Alone in the dark, I could pretend that all my problems disappeared and that I was free of the stress. I could make-believe that the pressure had evaporated.

    You see, I’d taken on one of those jobs, one of those supposed leaps up the career ladder. But hell, being the head of a college department turned out to be a bad life choice … given my oh-so critical inner voice.

    Every day added to my imagined portfolio of failures. Every day blew another hole in my smokescreen of having any confidence in my ability. And every day, I became more fearful of being exposed as the ‘fake’ I believed I was.

    I felt like I was constantly aching yet feeling numb at the same time, which became too painful to bear. I dragged my shameful self into the college and quit. I left my entire library of books on the table along with my resignation.

    Four years on, even though I’d tried to move on, even changing countries, I still felt the same. No more confident and no less self-critical.

    That’s when I learned that even if I hadn’t packed any belongings, I still took a devastating amount of baggage with me. Even worse, I’d allowed my inner critic to ride passenger.

    That voice—that mean, vicious, ever-present voice—had to go if life was going to be worth living.

    Consciously and patiently, I set out to understand why this self-critical person had become such a huge part of me. I learned how to recognize and counter the habitual negative messages and destructive behavior patterns. I learned how to beat my inner critic, for the most part.

    And now it’s your turn.

    Because it’s time you felt free from the pain of constant self-criticism as well. It’s time you finally stopped beating yourself up over everything you say or do. And it’s time you were able to breathe, smile, and be pleased with yourself, just as you are.

    How? With one simple, small action at a time.

    Some of these ideas will speak to you; some will shout. Others will only mumble. Try a handful that grab your imagination. Add in others from the list over time as you learn to build them into an inner-critic-beating habit.

    1. Keep a self-praise journal.

    Pocket-size is best. Each time you feel pleased by something you’ve done or said, jot it down. Flip through the pages every time you feel your critical voice starting to pipe up.

    2. Write a positive self-message.

    Use a permanent marker and inscribe it on the inside of your shoes.

    3. Diminish your inner critic’s power.

    Repeat a negative thought back in a silly voice.

    4. Update your Facebook status:

    “Happy to be me. Work in progress.”

    5. Send yourself a loving text.

    Keep it, and re-read it often. Appreciate yourself.

    6. Add a positive self-message to an image.

    Put it on your phone and laptop.

    7. Draw a caricature.

    Give your inner critic a silly feature that makes you laugh. Stick it on your fridge.

    8. Make a face or blow a raspberry.

    At your inner critic, not yourself!

    9. Visualize your inner critic.

    Imagine it as an evil gremlin squatting on your shoulder. Each time it speaks up, turn and flick it away.

    10. Look in the mirror.

    Smile and compliment yourself on one quality or trait you like.

    11. Keep a list of self-forgiveness quotes.

    Or sign up to receive daily emails from Tiny Buddha.

    12. Write a list of qualities others like about you.

    Keep it in your purse or wallet.

    13. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself.

    Add it to your purse or wallet as well.

    14. Remind yourself: 

    “No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.” ~Unknown.

    15. End each negative thought with a positive.

    For example, “But I’m human and I can learn not to make the same mistake,” or, “But I have the power to change this.”

    16. Jot down one thing you’d like to be better at.

    Then take one tiny step toward that.

    17. Remember “not good enough” doesn’t exist.

    “I don’t know a perfect person, I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    18. Ask yourself why you think you should be good at everything. 

    We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Concentrate on your strengths.

    19. Find one thing each day to reward yourself for.

    Make it something you truly look forward to.

    20. Apologize to yourself.

    Do this every time you recognize self-criticism (tell yourself you’re sorry out loud if you can).

    21. Ring someone you haven’t spoken to in ages.

    Tell them how much they mean to you. The best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better.

    22. Remember that self-hate is not an option.

    You’re the only person you can guarantee you’ll be in a relationship with from birth to death, so learn to love yourself.

    23. Remember there’s no shame in messing up.

    You’re trying to do something, grow, and contribute.

    24. Break the cycle.

    Admit you made a mistake and ask, “Now what can I do about it?”

    25. Look at a mistake or “failure” in context.

    Will it really matter in a week, a year, or ten years from now?

    26. Recognize that you make fewer mistakes than you think.

    You just criticize yourself repeatedly for the same few.

    27. Drown out your inner critic.

    Put on your favorite feel-good music.

    28. Stop trying to do too much.

    Strike one task from your to-do list that won’t stop Earth from revolving if it isn’t done.

    29. Reflect on how you’re only on this planet for a short time.

    You can either spend it beating yourself up and being miserable or learn to love yourself and be happy.

    30. Stop focusing on the one thing you got wrong.

    Focus on the many things you got right.

    31. Recognize the good you do for others.

    The more you beat yourself up, the less good you do.

    32. Keep a daily, written tally of positive self-messages.

    Increase this by at least one each day.

    33. Physically pat yourself on the back.

    Do this for everything you’ve done well this week.

    34. Look at a satellite image of the earth.

    Realize that you are an important part of this amazing creation.

    35. Realize that over six billion people in the world don’t care.

    Only you care that you made a mistake.

    36. Think of a fun, positive adjective.

    Adopt this as your middle name so that every time you criticize yourself by name, you’ve described yourself in a positive way.

    37. Buy a houseplant.

    When you tend it remind yourself you need this much love and attention.

    38. Note down kind words from others.

    Write them on slips of paper and keep them in a compliment jar. Dip into this whenever you need to counter a negative self-message.

    39. Halt a negative self-thought.

    Use an act of self-care. For example apply hand cream, or give yourself a neck rub.

    40. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    Remember Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!”

    Stop Beating Yourself Up Once and for All

    Beating yourself up leaves you feeling horrible.

    All that constant self-criticism is exhausting. It leaves you aching inside.

    Small, simple actions can bring great leaps in breaking this negative cycle—for good.

    Let these ideas speak to you. Pick the ones that shout loudest.

    Defeat self-depreciating thoughts you’ve heard over and over with conscious, positive acts of self-compassion.

    Stop letting your inner critic overpower you. Fight back with self-love.

  • 6 Things to Keep in Mind When You’re Trying to Make New Friends

    6 Things to Keep in Mind When You’re Trying to Make New Friends

    Friends Taking Selfie

    “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” ~Alice Walker

    When I was young, I never actively wanted friends, probably because I didn’t know the benefits of having strong friendships. I got along fine in my social circle in high school, in part because I could translate Latin more quickly than my classmates, which was helpful to some of them, and because I was pleasant enough.

    I wasn’t going to get on anyone’s nerves, at least not on purpose. In fact, I was so careful not to be a bother to anyone that I essentially rendered myself mute. Yep, you couldn’t get a peep out of me most days.

    Those high school years spent in relative silence created a major gap in my ability to navigate relationships and to deal with major stressors in college, graduate school, and beyond. I don’t think I understood how trust worked between good friends, and that made me vulnerable to all sorts of things, including feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and clueless.

    After entering into my own psychotherapy early in graduate school, I began to work on breaking out of my silence.

    Session after session I practiced speaking about personal matters even when I felt awkward doing so. I began to trust my ability to communicate, even about difficult feelings; I no longer needed to find reasons to shrink into myself.

    Through the therapy process, I also realized I had been holding myself back on many fronts, including my natural inclination to be with people and to be, well, talkative and social. Being able to express myself freely enabled me to learn how to be a good friend and how to have a good time in the process.

    Enjoying true friendship as an adult has undoubtedly been one of the most meaningful aspects of my life.

    Some of the lessons I have learned through my friendships include:

    1. Almost everyone wants to have fun. 

    You don’t have to take yourself or others so seriously. Don’t be afraid to approach people if you have an idea, an instinct about something, or something you just need to say.

    2. We all share the same experiences.

    We all become vulnerable each time a new person approaches or each time we consider meeting up with someone new. There really isn’t a way of getting around this. It’s part of the human experience and it’s not going away. Even further advances in social media and technology cannot erase the wobbly feeling we need to go through when we are social.

    3. We all are different and unique. 

    The fact that no two of us are exactly the same has become a source of relief for me. I no longer have to strive to be just like someone else.

    I now know enough about myself to be able to enjoy exploring the unique aspects of other people in my life. Those differences between us help me to feel sane and to understand my own life experiences better.

    4. We can choose to be open or closed in our relationships.

    It’s dangerous to fool ourselves into believing a closed stance is safer than an open one. When we interact with others in a guarded way, we prevent ourselves from absorbing the finer details of what’s really happening. We miss the present moment because we are watching out for ourselves.

    When we are open, others sense that we are alert, aware, involved, and engaged—all excellent and desirable qualities in a worker, student, partner, or friend.

    Be careful if you find yourself closed off to new information or interactions and if fear is your first response to new demands and opportunities. If you’re wondering why social interactions feel so difficult, see if you might be approaching them with a closed stance.

    When you are open and expressive with your friends, it’s equivalent to building trust and to ensuring loving feelings between you. You’ll begin to feel more at ease and less like shielding yourself from others.

    5. We don’t always have to insist on parity and fairness.

    People who are preoccupied with calculating whether they are getting as much as they are giving in their interactions have very close relationships, but unfortunately, those relationships are with the calculator inside their head instead of the people they are with.

    We can tabulate the costs and benefits, but who really wants to conduct relationships as if they were the next round of taxes?

    Be generous with your time. Give freely of your kindness, knowledge, and expertise.

    6. We can reach into new dimensions.

    I have had the most enriching experiences in the past few years getting to know men and women who are older than I am—about five to ten years older. The extra years seem to bring wisdom, experience, and ease to these friends.

    I know I can have solid advice as quickly as I can send a text. I know these friends will see me through the harder times and will be just as eager to have lunch with me as I am with them.

    Look for friends and acquaintances in areas (and age ranges) you are unfamiliar with. The world is a really big playground. It’s okay to change your outlook and scenery.

    As an adult, I am truly grateful for the group of people I call friends. Though hindsight might have me wishing for the support of these types of friends back in the day, I realize the lessons I have learned making friends as an adult would not have been so meaningful if I had been surrounded by friends when I was younger.

    If you’ve missed some opportunities to find close friendships, don’t fret. There is no time limit on letting others in, learning how to stay open in our interactions, or building great relationships.

    Friendship can be a remarkable and precious resource for us all, and one which reminds us of the sweetness and richness of living.

    Friends taking selfie image via Shutterstock

  • Awakening to Life and Love After a Devastating Loss

    Awakening to Life and Love After a Devastating Loss

    “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” ~Ernest Hemingway  

    For years I cursed spring.

    During that time my heart woke to the bitterness of life. In the harsh frost of winter my anguish and the season were one, a climate where I felt safe, cocooned in a blanket of grief, a camouflage that ensconced me from the world outside.

    Like grief, winter brings the bitter cold to our life, and those withered months drenched in sorrow tasted natural.

    In the time I lingered frozen in my shroud of despair, spring had arrived, with feathered creatures whistling joyous songs while the leaves danced up our driveway. The warmth of the sun was a charlatan, exasperating my pain while seducing me like a stranger to a foreign place.

    Welcoming the signs of spring felt like a betrayal of my grief. For years I remained suspended, cursing the seasons, as if they had something to do with my anguish. Spring represented an unwanted gift, and this rebirth offended me. How could life continue when I stood so raw?

    Marooned in a well of grief, I felt alone in a world surrounded by people, a place where I was unable to articulate the wound that clutched at my soul.

    My attention oscillated with an assault of questions, an endless loop of uncertainty that blemished my heart.

    Feeling guilty for being alive when he was gone, for waking each day, even the shame I felt running out of tears depleted me, until nothing but darkness remained. Each day another upheaval when I woke peacefully until the ambiguity dissipated and exposed me to the pain again.

    Meeting with other bereaved families and sharing our lives brought the courage I needed to begin functioning again. Slowly a thaw occurred and the bitter cold that once surrounded my heart began to warm.

    The heartache that previously consumed me now unfolded into a treasure of memories and the gifts they bring with the passage of time. Gratitude can nourish us when our heart feels empty. Though learning through loss is difficult, it remains powerful.

    Embracing this enlightenment and the growth it provided filled me with love and compassion. Through years of grief, love, and self-examination, I began to find myself authentically whole again, and like the new buds of spring, my heart began to open.

    Eventually spring’s return blossomed within me and I looked forward to the new beginnings it would bring—perhaps because of the cold, seemingly endless winter, or the accumulation of snow all around us?

    But when I happened upon an old journal from twenty years ago, the place where all this grief began, the year our five-year-old son died, the fog began to lift.

    Finding a quiet room I sat down and began slowly turning the pages, revisiting the season of loss I had endured. Tenderly I stroked the pages acknowledging that despairing period of my life.

    As I read, I recalled the brave woman I was, surviving the loss of my child, and I could not help but honor her and the battle she had forged to survive.

    For days I continued reading the journal entries, discovering stories that swelled my heart and welled my eyes with tears. Yellowed pages filled with letters and poetry, notes and emotions bringing the words to life again, reminding me of how far I had come.

    Entries I had written cursing the seasons stung at my vision, until suddenly aware of the anger I once held with spring, for it was not the season that hurt; the pain that gripped me was witnessing life moving on without me.

    It took me years of unraveling to find myself again, and there are still days when I hear his sweet voice in the quiet of my day and know that he is still with me. Learning to step beyond the loss and share the love I had for my son in positive ways became one of my greatest blessings.

    Gratefulness is plentiful when we look beyond ourselves and see the beauty that exists in life all around us.

    Ryan’s story became a story of love, one of giving to others the way this small child gave to us. Caring for strangers with random acts of kindness began filling the emptiness that once consumed me.

    The power connected to giving is immeasurable, and that influence sustained me. Beginning with small acts that kept me anonymous was the tipping point I needed to shift directions.

    Paying at a drive-through where I remained nameless energized me, and instead of the melancholy I had previously felt, a new kind of optimism emerged.

    Solace can be found in that quiet place of grace when you release a kind deed into the universe and let the laws of nature embrace it.

    Over twenty years later I was running a race on Ryan’s birthday and aspired to do something special.

    Although I was unclear on how I would present it, I went prepared, picking up two $10 gift cards from a local store. This time I needed to step out of my anonymous comfort zone and be present.

    After asking permission, I handed the two gift cards to two young siblings there to run the race. The delight alone was a gratification to witness, but this act gave more.

    After sharing Ryan’s story, they all thanked me and I returned to my own daughter, both of us beaming.

    Within a few minutes the children bashfully approached me, thanking me again and sharing how special they felt. Smiling, I looked up at their mom who stood watching with tears running down her face.

    Allowing Ryan to live on in positive ways is a gift I have given away countless times without regret. Connecting ourselves with others makes the world a more loving place.

    Although we try and live with a strategy in mind, planning how many children we want or the house we need, within all of this, there is no immunity from loss.

    When we realize that material things are fleeting collections of wants and will not sustain us in tragedy, we begin to embrace the little moments of life.

    Giving of ourselves is the most valuable offering we can present, shaping the world in a perfect light. A beautiful sunrise, a child’s laughter, even the smile we bring the elderly neighbor when we stop to visit will be the pause that will anchor us if our ship begins to sink.

  • 9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    The end of my marriage was a life-shattering event that rocked my world and made me question my existence.

    My breakup led to a full existential, spiritual, and personal crisis.

    After putting the pieces back together, I feel like I’m ready to love again.

    It took me a long time to feel open to another relationship because I was stuck in the past, replaying the story of my former relationship over and over again in my mind.

    I also held a set of disempowering and limiting beliefs that prevented from moving on.

    Some of the sabotaging thoughts that I had to confront included:

    I’m broken.

    I thought a severe heartbreak led to a permanently broken heart. The wounds were so deep and heartbreak so heavy that my ability to love someone else was broken forever.

    No one will ever love me again.

    After my last breakup, I thought I was done. I felt rejected by one person but it felt like that one person represented all women and I wouldn’t find someone else. Ever.

    I have nothing to offer.

    I believed my heart muscle was used up and my capacity to love was depleted. I felt like there was nothing I could give to anyone else because I had given everything I had.

    There must be something wrong with me.

    I believed the harsh comments my ex made about my character, shortcomings, and behavior made me an unworthy person. There must have been something wrong with me because she knew me so well. I’m no innocent bystander here; I said my share of hurtful words and am sorry for them.

    I’ll find the same kind of person again.

    I believed a future relationship would bring more of the same struggle and pain. I’d continue to attract someone like my ex or find myself attracted to someone like that again. Once again, we’d have the same kind of fights and challenges.

    There’s no one out there for me.

    After my last relationship, I came up with a mental checklist of values and traits I wanted in a future partner. I believed the exact person I was looking for likely didn’t exist, and that meant there was no one out there for me.

    I’m a failure.

    I had failed in picking the right partner before and failed in the relationship. And I had failed in a few other things as well. In fact, my beliefs caused me to believe that I was a failure in all parts of my life. And as a failure, I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new. Who wants to be with a failure?

    Love is too painful.

    After my painful, soul-crushing breakup, I would have preferred to walk through a lion and tiger-filled African safari than get into another relationship. I wanted to play it safe and not take a risk on love again.

    It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

    In my last relationship I’d put myself out there, revealed almost everything about myself, and placed my heart in another person’s hand. I’d been as vulnerable and open as I could be with my previous partner. But now, after heartbreak, I didn’t want to be open or vulnerable again. I wanted to build large walls to protect my heart so I wouldn’t have to bare my soul again.

    As you can see, I dealt with a full can of worms of negative thoughts and disempowering beliefs.

    If you have similar beliefs because of a breakup, you know that it’s virtually impossible to meet new people and start over again in your love life.

    Here are nine ways to set aside your limiting beliefs and open your heart to a new relationship.

    1. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that they stem from your past experiences.

    You only believe these things now because of what happened in the past. Beliefs are based on your subjective experience; they can be changed or seen through a different lens.

    2. Remind yourself that the past doesn’t equal the future.

    What happened once can be seen as a teaching experience so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. You are wiser now; your past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can grow from failure and disappointment.

    3. Challenge every limiting belief you have about relationships.

    When you think a disempowering thought, like “all relationships lead to pain” or “I’ll never find love again,” challenge it. Come up with reasons why those thoughts are not facts.

    If you look around you at friends and family, you’ll find strong relationships that work. Relationships that are filled with commitment, love, kindness, and mutual respect.

    You’ve also likely experienced positive and love-filled relationships in your life. Remind yourself of what’s possible in a loving and wholesome relationship.

    4. Spend less time focusing on your heartbreak and the negative beliefs you’ve developed because of your past.

    Focus more on yourself. Take care of your health by eating better and exercising more. Be more compassionate toward yourself by taking more time off and getting more sleep. Commit to becoming the best version of yourself by working on your confidence, overcoming your fears, and following your dreams.

    Do work that brings you joy, surround yourself with supportive people, and create a zone of positivity around you.

    5. Strive to live more in the present moment by letting go of thoughts about the past.

    When thoughts and feelings about the relationship come up, don’t cling to them. Acknowledge that your mind is pulling you back to the past and wants to drag you through a cycle of pain and sadness.

    Simply acknowledging what your mind is doing will help you be more conscious of its tricky ways. Watch those thoughts pass by like clouds passing in the sky.

    It will help to focus on the task at hand. If you find your mind drifting back to the relationship, just come back to what you were doing before your past popped up.

    6. Look for love all around you.

    What you focus on tends to show up in your life.

    If you look at pain and struggle in the world, you will see more of that. If you search for heartache and loss, you will find that.

    If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

    7. Become more loving and kind to yourself.

    Become the kind of person you desire to have a relationship with. Work on the qualities that prevent you from being the kind of person you’re capable of.

    In order to become more loving, I had to let go of the ego, anger, and resentment that clouded my life.

    I had to take stock of my life and reflect upon the way I showed up in my relationship. I also had to take responsibility for my shortcomings .

    I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.

    8. Cultivate more positive views of love.

    Try affirmations, meditations, journaling, and other practices to help you shift your beliefs about love. Interpret events that happen to you through a new framework of love—not the old framework of heartbreak.

    When someone calls you or wants to take you out for dinner, think in terms of the possibilities of a new relationship, not all the things that can go wrong.

    Instead of thinking “here we go again” with new circumstances in your life, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to show up more wisely and with a more open heart.

    9. Find the courage to be open to love again.

    Take small steps to trusting someone, sharing with someone, and opening your heart to someone new. If you’re overwhelmed by the gravity of a new relationship, take it slow and build trust in that person over time.

    I’ve come to learn that relationships can be our greatest spiritual assignments. Even if the worst happens, you’ll be growing and learning as a person.

    A broken heart can lead to an open heart. And an open heart is fertile ground for a stronger and deeper love.

    It’s not too late to set aside your resistance to love and your limiting views of relationships to find the person who’s just right for you.

    Do you have lingering negative beliefs about love? Please share them in the comments below and let me know what you’re doing to work through them.

  • How to Overcome Unhealthy Cravings When You’re Feeling Down

    How to Overcome Unhealthy Cravings When You’re Feeling Down

    Sad Man Smoking

    “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” ~Buddha

    As a kid, I was taught that the Devil tempted us to do evil deeds. When I had the urge to do something naughty, I imagined a pitchfork-totin’ demon whispering into my ear. He’d encourage me to steal that Hershey’s bar from the 7-11, or to lie to my mom when she asked if I’d finished my homework.

    Today, I don’t believe in the existence of the Devil, but I do believe my doubts and fears can appear to be downright devilish—if I give in to their whisperings. But what if these discursive thoughts aren’t “evil” after all? What if we need our cravings and impulses to help us see the truth in our lives and push past negative patterns?

    Recently, I had the chance to test this theory when my book manuscript was rejected by a major publisher.

    I’d poured my heart into those pages and anxiously waited for weeks only to receive a standard “thanks but no thanks” reply. After years of work, in an instant, my hopes were crushed, and I was swamped with doubt and self-pity.

    Soon my disappointment turned into indignation: How dare that editor reject my work! I began typing a hateful email, but (thankfully) I stopped short of clicking “Send.” Rather than write something I’d regret, I strapped on my sneakers and went for a power walk.

    When I’m in a sour mood, walking usually helps me clear my head, but even on that crisp, sunny, fall day, a black cloud of dissatisfaction hovered over me. Thoughts of failure invaded my mind. With every footstep, my negative thoughts grew.

    Then I smelled an all-too-familiar aroma. I glanced over and saw a man smoking a cigarette on his front porch. That scent wrapped around my brain and triggered a thought, “If you have a smoke, you’ll feel better…”

    I haven’t smoked in more than three years, but somewhere in my mind, a familiar longing stirred.

    I began smoking during college when I felt insecure. Over the years, anytime I felt lonely or upset—when my marriage was troubled or my career was threatened—I stepped outside and lit up a cigarette.

    Even years after successfully kicking that bad habit, the associative power between my unhappiness and nicotine was still strong. The tempting thought swirled in my brain, “Bum a smoke from your neighbor! No one will know!”

    Thankfully, enough time had passed since I quit and I could view my desire to smoke with objectivity. But rather than push it aside, I entertained the thought.

    “That’s so interesting,” I said to my former-addicted self. “You haven’t craved a cigarette in years, and now you’re upset and bam! You have a craving.”

    In truth, even the part of me that used cigarettes for comfort didn’t really want to smoke again. Addicted Me knew the reality: Tobacco tastes bitter and the smoke burns my throat and makes me feel crappy—not to mention all the horrible diseases it causes. The urge to smoke was just a thought, an unhealthy one at that.

    A moment later, the urge was gone, but craving that cigarette—which was once so intoxicating to me—provided a wonderful way to be present with what was happening to me physically and emotionally.

    In other words, the urge to smoke became a signal encouraging me to explore what it was I really needed.

    What bedevils you? The next time you’re tempted to give into an unhealthy urge, try this practice.

    Observe the feeling. The craving wants your attention, so give it what it needs—for a limited time. Observe, don’t indulge. Become curious about the nature of your thought.

    What does the feeling want you to do or say? When did you first feel this craving? Why is it prompting you toward an unhealthy response today?

    What triggered the craving? Are you really hungry? Or do you feel angry, sad, or lonely? If the latter, what might you do to take care of the feeling without indulging in an unhealthy habit?

    Entertain the thought. Rather than push it away, make a place for it in your heart. Address the thought or emotion as you would to a dear friend or child, “Hello, disappointment. I recognize you! You’re afraid of not being acknowledged, but I see you!” (This is what therapists call self-talk.)

    Listen deeply to the need. At the heart of every craving is an unmet need. The need itself may not be “bad” or “wrong,” but how you take care of it can be. Rather than fill that void with a negative habit or unhealthy choice, consider what it is you really lack.

    In my case, I needed acknowledgement and support. When I returned from my walk, I called a trusted friend and fellow-writer and allowed her to cheer me up. Then, we brainstormed ideas about other potential publishers for my book.

    Treat yourself (and others) with compassion: Ultimately, as I walked that day, I became aware of my weaknesses and my strengths. Each time I breathed in and smelled the cigarette smoke, I breathed out gratitude that my addiction no longer had me in its grip.

    And rather than beat myself up for feeling what I felt, I used the experience to generate empathy for my neighbor. Maybe he was struggling with anxiety or loneliness, too.

    In the end, my craving can become my worst enemy—or a good friend. When I seek the truths that rise out of difficult situations, a seeming loss can turn into a win. If I’m aware and healthy, I might even be able to learn something very valuable and transform a negative habit into the means for healthy self-discernment.

    Sad man smoking image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things You Need to Stop Telling Yourself If You Want to Lose Weight

    3 Things You Need to Stop Telling Yourself If You Want to Lose Weight

    “Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything that you are.” ~Unknown

    Picture it: You’re out with friends having dinner, then one of them says, “I shouldn’t be eating this. I skipped the gym today.”

    Another one replies, “I’m so bad. I’ve been eating out of control all week. I just can’t stop.”

    And another one says, “I’m going to have to eat salad for the next couple days to make up for this.”

    Does this type of conversation sound familiar to you?

    It’s all too familiar to me. I used to be the leader in these conversations, until one day, in the middle of claiming myself the fattest, I actually heard the words coming out of my mouth. And then I listened to everyone else talking negatively about their bodies as if we were competing to see who is the most guilty for eating.

    I get it. You want to lose weight. Heck, I want to lose weight. That’s not the problem.

    The problem is how we treat ourselves when we decide we need to lose weight. If you’re anything like I used to be, you can be very nasty to yourself in the name of “motivating” yourself to lose weight.

    Rather than giving you three tips on losing weight through diet and exercise—because I know you know what to do; you just don’t want to do it all the time—I’m going to share with you the three statements that are getting in your way of losing weight and loving yourself.

    1. There is something wrong with me.

    I always said this to myself when I could not stop reaching for sweets, even though my stomach was full or I knew I only wanted it because I was bored. There had to be something wrong with me since I didn’t have the willpower to just stop myself.

    Are you wondering what’s wrong with you?

    Nothing! Stop bad mouthing yourself when you are not able to work out or don’t possess enough fortitude to adhere to your restrictive diet plan.

    In case you haven’t noticed, berating yourself never has and never will work to motivate you on your weight loss goals. And as the saying goes, “If you do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you already got.”

    Instead of trash talking yourself to “motivate” you to lose weight, how about you take it easier on yourself?

    Yes, you had a donut for breakfast instead of your wheatgrass smoothie or you didn’t get to the gym today. So what?

    I now realize that when I “slip up” I can always start anew right where I am, and so can you. Because no matter how much you punish yourself, you can’t feel badly enough to change what happened in the past.

    And let’s face it, it hasn’t worked so far, so what do you think is going to change if you continue to do that?

    2. I need to wait until I lose the weight.

    For a long time, I was waiting to buy new clothes until the scale reached a certain number. My life was on hold until I felt I deserved or earned the right to do all the things I wanted to do.

    I recently chose to just accept the weight I am and I bought clothes that make me look and feel good. I was tired of shoving myself into clothes that didn’t fit or waiting to lose weight to fit back into them.

    I know I was not alone in this thinking either. Friends, family members, and strangers say this to me all the time, that they are going to do something amazing but they have to lose weight first. Or they will be happy after they lose the weight.

    Stop waiting! You don’t know how long it’ll take you to lose the weight, and keep it off. What if it takes you months or years? You don’t deserve to wait that long for nice things. That’s not what life is about.

    Instead of waiting that long, celebrate the little wins along the way to encourage yourself to keep going. Take out the good dishes and eat on them, buy a new outfit and feel great in it now, go out on a date, LIVE!

    3. They are so beautiful. I’ll never look like that.

    While looking at Facebook and Instagram, it’s so easy for me to see celebrities or even strangers and wish I had the body they have.

    I’m sure you find yourself comparing your body, and that’s not always a problem. The problem occurs when you start using someone else’s body as a standard for how your body should look. That’s not fair and is actually an insult to your body.

    You don’t have the same physique as they do. You can’t make your body look like theirs if that’s not how your body frame is set up.

    If you are comparing yourself to someone who has an hourglass figure and you have more of a pear shape, there is just no way you are going to have the shape they have. You are just setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

    My celebrity standard was Beyonce. I wanted to have the flat stomach and curves in all the right places, but after a few months, I realized I don’t have the desire or dedication to do all the work it takes to look like that. That’s part of her job, and it’s certainly not my job to look like her.

    Eventually, I realized that what I really wanted was to tone up what I already had. That is more attainable. And now, I compare myself to how I was a few months ago and celebrate the small and steady progress I am making.

    If you still want to compare, then start with where you are right now and compare your eating now to how it was before you started eating healthier.

    Don’t go back to ten/twenty years ago and ogle and get upset because you weren’t able to stay that size. You and your body have changed. It happens. Set a new barometer and watch your progress from now until you get to where you want to be.

    Berating yourself, waiting to do nice things for yourself, and comparing yourself are not what you want to do when you want to lose weight and feel better about yourself.

    Focusing on what you like about yourself, treating yourself to something special every now and then, and giving up comparisons is the way to a healthier and happier you.

  • Letting Go Gives Us Freedom

    Letting Go Gives Us Freedom

    Letting Go Gives Us Freedom

  • Let Yourself Receive: You Don’t Have to Put Yourself Last

    Let Yourself Receive: You Don’t Have to Put Yourself Last

    Girl giving boy a flower

    “Once you get used to people giving to you as much as you give to them and receive all of the benefits of a less stressful life, you will not consider putting yourself last.” ~Amanda Owen

    Recently a good friend of mine helped me with a workshop project. She formulated spreadsheets, answered multiple emails and questions, provided feedback to my group, and then participated in the actual event by doing a demonstration.

    “I’m not going to cash your check,” she told me the following week, after receiving my offering for the work she did. “I just want to give this to you as a gift. You are my friend; I don’t want to get paid.”

    This made me mad.

    Well, not really mad, because this is my BFF we’re talking about. But it bothered me that she couldn’t receive and didn’t understand the gift she could give me by doing this simple thing.

    The act of receiving with gratitude allows the giver to feel joy. Giving and receiving is a two-way exchange of energy that can nourish both parties, as long as the receiver can receive. 

    Our conversation lasted longer than I wanted it to.

    “I get what you are saying,” she replied, and then I had to hear the word that made me know she didn’t get what I was saying: “but.” “But I really want to help you because you are my friend. I didn’t really do that much.” We continued in a circular argument.

    “I need you to think about this differently,” I added, trying to rephrase my point, but it wasn’t going well.

    Then I realized I was doing the same thing I was criticizing her for. How could I ask her to receive if I couldn’t receive the gift she was giving me by helping me out for free?

    I love her for not wanting to be paid, for doing this for me out of the goodness of her heart, and she has a big one. I see the big gift she is trying to give me. I’m not ungrateful. I am a little stubborn though.

    I wanted her to understand one of the basic laws of the universe—that you deny a person the basic joy of giving if you do not receive. But by not receiving her gift I was not being the best teacher. My resistance was stopping up the flow of abundance, and I was denying her joy.

    I imagined that she was stopping up the flow by being unable to receive my check. So instead of feeling immense joy and excitement over being able to pay her, I felt dejected, which I know wasn’t her intent. Her intent was quite the opposite.

    It’s all about connection, flow, and a dynamic exchange of energy.

    When I give (energy, time, money, love, kindness) and someone receives it openly and gratefully, there’s now an open, flowing channel for more energy, time, money, love, and kindness to flow to me. My heart (and abundance) is in your receiving hands.

    Understanding this means that I should have gladly accepted her gift of help. Instead, I was stuck in the need to be right and I couldn’t practice the lesson I was trying to teach!

    Flow can be stopped up by only being a giver or only being a receiver. We need to practice an active balance of both.

    We all know those who admittedly call themselves “givers.” I’m one of them. I picked a caregiving field as a career. I was brought up to believe that it is better to give than to receive. Over the years, I’ve seen people who give for a living burn out or get sick. I know there is a better way.

    I was also brought up to be mindful of the needs of others. The hidden addition to that line is “before myself.”

    No parent wants to teach their kid to be selfish, so we teach them to put everyone else first. How do we teach our children to be both good givers and good receivers? To be mindful of their own needs and those they love equally?

    We must model to our children a life that fills us up. A life that is nourishing to our minds, bodies, and souls will create an overflow from which to give.

    Wouldn’t it be nice to give freely from an overflow of energy, time, money, love, and kindness rather than try to give from our reserves and end up burning out? It’s not just nice, it’s spectacular! This kind of giving feels effortless, but it has to come from a fully nourished you.

    We can do this by receiving and nurturing ourselves first. Here are a few ways I have learned to receive and create this kind of overflow:

    Rest when tired.

    I know that if I am exhausted, nobody will benefit. I take opportunities to get extra sleep when I can instead of grabbing the second or third Starbucks that day. I listen to my body and relax when it gives me signs of pain or fatigue.

    Pushing through pain or fatigue only depletes you further and increases the risk of illness or injury.

    Say no more often to allow time for rest and rejuvenation.

    It’s hard to say no if you are a giver. But saying yes to everything will burn you out fast. I have learned to prioritize my life in a way that helps me only say yes when I really mean it so I can give from a place of excess.

    Ask for and accept help when necessary.

    I have learned that asking for help is crucial, and have gotten better and better at asking for and receiving it. You won’t get extra brownie points for doing it all alone. You will just burn out.

    Get still. A lot.

    Carving out time in my day for stillness, quiet, meditation, or breathing is so important to replenish my energy. I no longer value going from sunrise to sundown without a break. I realize that the more I am able to take this kind of time for myself, the more I am able accomplish during my “doing” times.

    I have learned to recognize and separate myself from the voice that tells me I’m not worthy of receiving. I can also recognize guilt as an old, conditioned way of feeling.

    Once you understand the amazing flow that is created when there is an equal exchange of giving and receiving, you will look at each moment as an opportunity to do things a little differently.

    When you are filled up, fiercely alive, and overflowing with energy and enthusiasm, you can give from the stuff that is spilling over.

    How can you give the gift of receiving? By receiving, you not only nourish yourself, you nourish and empower the giver. The real flow of giving and receiving can heal the world!

    Girl giving boy a flower image via Shutterstock

  • 9 Ways to Help Yourself When You’re Going Through a Hard Time

    9 Ways to Help Yourself When You’re Going Through a Hard Time

    Depressed Man

    “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    After my father had a stroke, it became too difficult to manage our family’s convenience store, so we decided to sell it. We spoke to several buyers, but a couple was most interested—the same couple who had originally sold us the store years earlier.

    In December 2012, in the middle of the transaction, my father was manipulated and our store and retirement savings were snatched away.

    They convinced my parents to transfer the store space’s lease over to them before selling the business. So we were illegally occupying someone else’s space.

    The landlord sent legal notices and bills to clear the space. We tried to work out a deal with the couple, but it was of no avail.

    I spoke to a lawyer and he said there was no case and that this was a deliberately hatched plan from the outset.

    Long story short, we were faced with two choices: give the store to the couple for peanuts, or clear the store and take our belongings elsewhere without compensation.

    We decided to clear the space, pack all our inventory and belongings, and dump them into our garage at our home.

    My parents could barely open the garage door, and we didn’t know what to do with the stuff. Should we find another location and start our business afresh? Or should we just close this chapter completely?

    I was filled with anger, bitterness, and pain, but I held it in.

    Bills piled up. My brother and I struggled to pay our mortgage payments every month.

    I channeled all my anguish into my work and staying afloat. When someone in my family talked about the situation, I brushed them off and avoided the topic.

    One night in February 2014, I cried. The tears wouldn’t stop. Something had changed in me.

    It was like my heart had to do an intervention and tell me: You have got to stop and feel your pain. You can’t keep going this way.

    I want to share how I finally dealt with my inner demons and shifted to a place of inner peace and acceptance. If you’re going through a tough time, this may help.

    1. Stop assuming the worst.

    After my experience, I noticed that I jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst about everyone, so I made it a point to acknowledge when someone was nice to me, whether it was a loved one or waitress.

    I also tried to be kind in return. This helped me open my heart again.

    It’s tempting to assume the worst when you’ve been wronged, but seeing the best in others will bring out the best in yourself.

    2. Challenge your beliefs.

    I heard the word “struggle” many times throughout my childhood. My father and mother said it frequently. It was ingrained in their consciousness, and as a result, in mine.

    After this experience, I decided to adopt a new belief: that I was meant to prosper.

    As cheesy as it sounds, I hung up I am a winner posters on my bedroom walls. I read stories about normal people like me who transformed their lives.

    I signed up for a life coaching and transformation program. All these things helped me create faith in myself so I could start to live a more inspiring life.

    You don’t have to do the same things, but in your own way, you can start to shed your limiting beliefs and support yourself so you can prosper too.

    3. Turn inward to heal inner wounds.

    I wish I had done this right after we lost our family business, but I was too busy analyzing and strategizing, trying to make things work.

    I felt I had to shoulder all the responsibility and hold my family together, so my emotions remained in my body energetically for some time.

    One day, I wrote down what had happened from my perspective. I put all my feelings on paper and I didn’t hold back. In doing so, I helped myself embrace my emotions and begin the healing process.

    Be honest about how you feel. Dive in deep and fully acknowledge what happened.

    4. Stop pushing.

    I remember when my father had a stroke; even then, I was busy making phone calls from my office, dealing with our employees, and managing our store. I would have intense, nervous, frantic, fearful conversations with my mother.

    I would become angry and scream at her and my father. I was constantly pushing and in action mode. I couldn’t let go. That need to control and push became even stronger after we lost our business.

    I clung on tightly to relationships, money, people, and things, all from a place of insecurity and fear. I was afraid I would lose them.

    But when you let go, you make space for what is truly right for you. You learn to not tie your self-worth, happiness, or identity to external circumstances.

    5. Practice saying yes to your desires.

    I wanted to pour myself into my work. I also thought that struggling and living this way was the norm. I was used to suppressing my desires.

    If I wanted to relax, I didn’t allow myself. I drove myself crazy with ways to make things better for my family. But the truth was, if I couldn’t find inner peace, there was no way I could help my family.

    I learned that I had to be connected to myself in order to be more present for my loved ones. It started with embracing little things. If I wanted to have tea and read a book, I did just that. If I wanted a hot bath, I took a nice, long hot bath.

    I used to think that I couldn’t do these things if my external world wasn’t great.

    But surrendering to these seemingly tiny moments brought me solace when chaos ruled my external world.

    Don’t wait until you have everything figured out to be good to yourself. Be good to yourself and you’ll be better able to figure things out.

    6. Stop feeling guilty.

    During this challenging period, we all screamed our throats off and made each other feel guilty. It was a vicious circle.

    The only way I could make lasting changes and move on with my life was to stop feeling guilty.

    I focused on the present moment. In doing so, I was able to forgive my family and energize myself. It rubbed off on them because slowly but surely, I noticed my family started to remove themselves from this guilty frame of mind, as well.

    Even if you could have handled things better, let go of the guilt. You’re doing the best you can, and you’ll do better if you feel better.

    7. Stay solution-oriented.

    When things spiraled out of control, my family and I saw everything as a problem. We developed the attitude that whatever came our way would be difficult.

    We became afraid of waking up in the mornings, couldn’t sleep well at night, and couldn’t enjoy time with each other. In other words, we expected the worst. But this is no way to live.

    We had to shift to a solution-oriented frame of mind. So when things didn’t work out, I stopped dwelling in self-pity. I tried to look for solutions. If I couldn’t find one right away, I just let myself be.

    Trust that answers will come at the right time. It’s easier to cope with hard times when you trust that the Universe has your back.

    8. Turn to others for help.

    During this time, I confided in my best friend about how I was feeling. Last year, I decided to enroll in a transformation program and had a therapeutic life coaching session.

    These steps helped me support myself.

    Don’t bottle up your emotions. Talk to your loved ones, friends, and even consider working with a life coach or therapist. You don’t have to go through it alone.

    9. Foster a positive mindset.

    I had lots of thoughts about revenge, but these only caused me to feel bitter.

    I realized over time these thoughts weren’t going to do me any good. I had to shift out of them. They didn’t go away right away, but I accepted them without judging myself.

    Then, to shift into a more uplifting state of mind, I immersed myself in things I loved like writing, meditating, journaling, eating, and spending time with friends.

    Negative thoughts will come, but they will also go if you let them. Instead of judging yourself for having these thoughts, focus on what you can do to create a more positive state of mind.

    —

    If you’re going through a challenging time in your life, keep your heart open. This won’t last forever, and you will get through it!

    Depressed man image via Shutterstock

  • The Beauty of Being Different

    The Beauty of Being Different

    Fish Swimming Against the Stream

    “We must never be afraid to be a sign of contradiction for the world.” ~Mother Teresa

    I’ve felt like I was different ever since I was in elementary school, when my personality started to settle and I came to realize I didn’t look, think, feel, learn, or act like my peers.

    Back in the eighties and early nineties it seemed that there weren’t many labels to catalog people by, but still I knew I was different, and teachers and classmates made sure I knew it. “Freak” or “weirdo” were two of their favorite names.

    In current times there would be many labels to identify me with: ADD, ADHD, dyslexic, depressive, and antisocial, among other medical terms. Socially, there are many other labels to box me in: problematic, troublemaker, weird, crazy, and dramatic, among others.

    Labels seemed to be used to put me into boxes so shrinks, teachers, and the world could try to understand me.

    The world tends to see what is different as something ugly and wrong, as if anything “abnormal” is something needing to be fixed.

    If I were to see myself through the eyes of the world, I’d be frightened to look at myself in the mirror.

    As the years went by the bullying didn’t stop. Everyone knew me by a thousand different names, except the one my mother had given me. I didn’t mind; I actually preferred for them not to use my name. I didn’t want them to taint it with their harsh voices.

    In high school, I wanted to have friends and be a part of something; I wanted to feel like I wasn’t a freak. I tried really hard to fit in, but trying to be something I wasn’t became emotionally draining.

    My father could see this and told me, “Ducks fly in flocks and eagles fly alone.”

    I didn’t want to be an eagle. I wanted to be a duck, because they had company.

    I started smoking to fit in with the “cool” group, dating boys I wasn’t even interested in (it was what girls my age did), and I learned to laugh and keep my mouth shut when I saw any injustice being done.

    I once screamed and burst into tears when I saw one of my “friends” kill a bee out of fun. I couldn’t understand how someone could take away the life of such an innocent being intentionally.

    After being bullied for my reaction, they started calling me “crazy” and so… what did I do? I started killing bees.

    I loathed myself. I had turned into this person I didn’t like for the sole purpose of “fitting in.” But at the same time I hated what I was, I hated being oversensitive, stupid, a daydreamer, rebellious, and sad.

    I wasn’t happy with my physical appearance either. The body I had at twelve years old remained the body I would have for the rest of my life—extremely skinny and no curves.

    People, assuming I had an eating disorder, would thoughtlessly say, “Eat something. Skinny girls are not pretty.” It was just my anatomy, different to that of the voluptuous Mexican bodies women have in this part of the world.

    Then, a boy came my way. We became good friends, and because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and lead me on, he asked if I could pretend to be his girlfriend.

    Marcus was gay. He couldn’t stand the idea of being different and showing it to the world. He needed a fake girlfriend to take home to his parents, to brag about to his friends, and to walk around town with, showing he was “normal.”

    We were teenagers, and our self-esteem was determined by the acceptance of society.

    He knew how I felt for being different and not being able to fit in. I had a different mindset and he had a different sexual orientation. It was in our differences where we found a unity that forged a beautiful friendship.

    A few years later Marcus found the courage to “come out.” His parents supported him. He lost many friends but made new ones and could be entirely himself around them.

    There was no more pretending. He found acceptance within his heart, even if the world around him shamed him. He became comfortable within his own skin, and that to him was happiness.

    I came to understand that the criticism came, not because we were wrong (we weren’t horrible human beings), but because we were different to them (society). In their mind, their way of thinking and acting was right, so anything that navigated away from that was wrong.

    It was their limited mindset that created in them an inability to accept other people’s differences. But that wasn’t our problem; we weren’t what they saw.

    Our problem came from the fact that we had given them the power to control our self-esteem instead of finding that acceptance and love within ourselves.

    As more years passed, experience taught me a deeper understanding about my place in this world.

    I came to forgive and love myself because I was never ugly, stupid, antisocial, or psychotic, as the world saw me. I felt like that because I was looking at myself through their eyes instead of my own.

    Even through university I had to deal with the stigma of being considered stupid by my peers, for having bad grammar and spelling mistakes. To them my intellectual capacity was determined by my writing skills instead of the content of my writing.

    Fortunately, professors admired the intellectual content of my papers and the different perspective I had for connecting the dots and analyzing issues. I graduated top of my class, because dyslexia is not a disability; it’s a different perspective to what ordinary learning offers.

    ADD or ADHD have never existed in my mind. I simply block out lame and boring lectures I’m not interested in, and when I find myself in an environment I dislike, my mind travels away to the beautiful world of my imagination.

    I am selective with my friends, not antisocial. I don’t wish to surround myself with people that undervalue me or with whom I don’t feel comfortable.

    I am not a troublemaker, but I refuse to stand by while I see any injustice being done. I am not rebellious; I just refuse to follow rules that go against my values. I’m not dramatic, I am passionate.

    Yes, I cry a lot. I was born crying and I’ve never stopped. However, it is not because I have chronic depression (I have battled depression and it is a term I wouldn’t use lightly).

    It is because I am oversensitive, and even as a child I could see what people rarely saw or simply didn’t care about: corruption, poverty, injustice, and cruelty, among other issues. This affected me profoundly, and still does. I am empathetic toward others’ suffering.

    I wasn’t a duck, and even if being an eagle can be lonely, the view from the top gives life a wider perspective and a deeper understanding. Although my journey hasn’t been entirely lonely, it is definitely a less traveled one.

    I’ve met wonderful people with whom I can be myself, and even if I don´t have thousands of friends, I have a few who are worth the world.

    Different is what I’ll always be, because I don’t match with the preferred educational, economic, religious, and social systems that want to shape me into a predesigned mold that I can’t fit into.

    Everyone wants you to be what is best for them, not what is best for you. Wanting to please everyone and be what is socially acceptable stole my personality away.

    However, by accepting myself, I came to realize that I am absolutely beautiful. Not because I am better or worse than anyone else, but because I am exactly what I am supposed to be.

    Everyone is different in some way or another, but only a few dare to show it to the world. The majority try to fit into a mold that is too tight to feel free in.

    Marcus is feeling incredibly comfortable in his amazing homosexual being. He has a wonderful partner and they have recently adopted a beautiful baby girl.

    Once I asked him, “What would you like her to be when she grows up?

    He replied: beautifully different.

    Fish swimming against the stream image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Trying to Blend In: The Simple Secret to Being Yourself

    Stop Trying to Blend In: The Simple Secret to Being Yourself

    Stand out from the Crowd

    “Be yourself—not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    How many times have people told you to just be yourself? A million times perhaps.

    How many times have you felt able to do this?

    Until a few months ago, I thought this was frighteningly hollow advice, like “Don’t worry.” And I had no clue how to be myself. What does it even mean?

    The Simple Secret to Being Yourself

    My friend continuously tells me that being yourself means doing things you want to do and not caring about what others think.

    I disagree with that definition. It makes “being yourself” too simplistic. I learned what it really means to be yourself after an eye opening incident.

    I always thought parties signified fun, but no matter how much I tried to enjoy them, I couldn’t. I hated the entire process of getting ready, going, dancing, eating, and coming back. I would have preferred to read a book or visit a monument any day.

    For years, I thought I didn’t know how to have fun.

    But I have fun when I read or visit monuments, the same way people have fun when they go to parties.

    I struggled to accept that, because this required me to accept that I didn’t have fun in the conventional sense. It meant accepting that my idea of fun might be boring to many people.

    Being yourself means having the courage to accept yourself. It means having the courage to understand that you are a particular set of characteristic and no matter what you do, there will be a few things that will never be you.

    It’s hard to do this because you have to accept that you’re different from other people. But that difference doesn’t have to depress you or define you.

    You cannot be everything. You don’t have to be everything.

    You simply have to be you. And that is enough.

    3 Steps to Being Yourself

    There are no rules to being you because being yourself is (and has to be) different for everyone. I humbly offer a few guidelines that will help.

    1. Get to know yourself.

    In order to be yourself, you first need to find out who you really are. Are you a party person or not? Do you like starting things or ending them? Do you take small steps or huge steps?

    This involves a lot of soul searching. I did this by asking myself a lot of questions on many different topics.

    This is the only way you will ever get to know who you are.

    Some questions to consider:

    • Am I an early riser or a night owl?
    • Am I comfortable being part of a large group or do I prefer to have a few close friends?
    • Am I an introvert or an extrovert?
    • Do I thrive on adventure or like to keep things low-key?
    • Do I prefer change or consistency?
    • Do I like to jump right in or take things slowly?
    • Do I embrace rules or rebel against them?
    • What makes me unique?
    • How do I want people to remember me when I’m gone?
    • What do I value most in life?
    • What do I like to do with my free time?
    • What makes me excited? Does that make me happy too?
    • Do I value things more than experiences, or vice versa?
    • How do I define success in life?
    • What would I do if money were no object?

    2. Become comfortable with yourself, flaws and all.

    Once you start learning about yourself, it is essential not to judge yourself.

    Judging yourself will create a barrier to embracing who you really are.

    You need to accept all of yourself, flaws and all. We are all imperfect.

    I frequently say things that I regret later. This is a flaw, and I am working on this. But every once in a while I disappoint myself, and then I start judging myself. This leads to a state of mind that isn’t conducive for making positive changes.

    There are other things you’ll discover about yourself that you don’t have to “work on.” I may be tempted to judge myself because I don’t like parties, but that’s not actually a flaw.

    In addition to letting go of your own judgment, you have to stop worrying about what others think about you.

    Don’t be indifferent to other people’s opinions; merely be detached. There is a difference.

    Indifference says, “I don’t care,” whereas detachment says, “I accept whatever others think about me.” It means not hating other people for having different opinions or being influenced by their perception of you.

    3. Stop once in a while to check in with yourself.

    Life is busy. And I love that. I can’t handle slow. I find it painfully boring.

    But the busyness of life can also be an obstacle to being yourself if it means you don’t have time to reflect, or you end up living on autopilot and don’t know what you want anymore.

    We need time to rest and rejuvenate so we can check in with ourselves.

    There are a few easy ways to stop once in a while:

    • Travel alone and don’t read or use your phone.
    • Take ten minutes at night to think about your actions and motivations. (I did that because…)
    • Go for a walk in the park and instead of listening to music, listen to your thoughts.

    All of this might be hard and uncomfortable if you don’t already do these things regularly. You might be tempted to reject yourself and you may need to use your limited supply of courage.

    I was scared too. In the end, though, it was worth it.

    Striving to Be a Better You

    This leaves us with a single question.

    Does being myself mean I do not strive to be a better me?

    The answer is yes. And no. Well, it’s complicated. Yet simple.

    If striving to be better means you constantly focus on your flaws and judge yourself, then it’s stupid to strive to be better. Because however good you get, there will always be room for improvement.

    However, if it means you are happy with who you are and think you could be even more, then yes. Striving to be better is the way to go.

    —

    It takes courage to accept who you truly are, but it’s a lot easier if you remember there’s nothing wrong with who you are—and the only way to be happy is to embrace it.

    Stand out from the crowd image via Shutterstock

  • You Don’t Have to Believe You’re Not Good Enough

    You Don’t Have to Believe You’re Not Good Enough

    “I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    “I’m not good enough.”

    I cannot possibly count the number of times this thought has passed through my head over the years. It’s been applicable to nearly every aspect of my life from childhood to my current status as an adult, parent, and business owner.

    Still, both the frequency with which this thought enters my head and the length of time I spend believing it have dropped considerably, so I think my story and the lessons I’ve learned are worth sharing—especially since I know I’m not alone in struggling with this belief.

    One of my earliest memories, if not my very first one, is of teetering on the edge of a nubby brown armchair, putting my head between my father’s downward cast eyes and whatever book it was in which he was so engrossed.

    Alas, my repeated attempts to get his attention did nothing. What could a preschooler assume in this instance? Even now, more than thirty years later, I don’t see how anything other than “not good enough” or “not interesting enough” could have crossed my mind.

    That was certainly not the last time my father’s behavior fed my worries that I was not enough. However, he has since passed from this world and blaming him does absolutely nothing to help me move forward; I am now an adult capable of making my own assessments of my value as a human.

    In other words: I am responsible for allowing myself to feel not good enough.

    But I didn’t know that for a long, long time, and I let others take me down a notch without ever questioning it.

    When a boy in my gym class made a mean comment about the size of my thighs, I never questioned him; instead, I simply believed he was correct and that I should feel badly about my body.

    When a close friend chose another friend over me and then, years later, a boy over me, I took the blame: obviously I was not enough. It never occurred to me that maybe she was the one with the issue.

    When I got paid less than I was worth, when I my writing was rejected, when I couldn’t solve every single one of my clients’ problems, when someone unsubscribed from my mailing list, I took all of this personally. I took it as proof that I was not good enough.

    Yet the years have certainly changed me for the better. In 2008 I learned that I was, in fact, in control of my thoughts. I could choose to believe or not believe the stories I was telling myself.

    I also learned that everyone struggles with feeling good enough, and that I was not alone.

    I learned that I could spend more time feeling good about myself if I chose to. I learned that the people who taught me I wasn’t good enough didn’t do it on purpose; they struggled with their own self-worth.

    Today I am a grownup who is mostly satisfied and happy with herself and confident in her place in the world.

    Yet it still creeps in. There are times, especially when it comes to motherhood and running a business, when I feel ill-equipped. When I feel the world crashing down around me, and the familiar “you’re not good enough” slithers into my thoughts, nearly undetected.

    But when it does happen, I have the means to turn it around. It doesn’t own or control me anymore. Here are the basics of turning “I’m not good enough” into “I’m really okay the way I am.”

    Your thoughts create your world, and you can absolutely take charge of them.

    It’s impossible to overstate the importance of paying attention to what stories you’re telling yourself and learning how to change those stories into ones that best serve you.

    Yes, you can spend your life repeating “I’m not good enough” over and over, but why? You can write a new script. You can also learn to let your negative thoughts float on by, like a feather in the breeze, instead of grabbing hold of them and getting sucked in.

    Try telling your story a new way.

    Building upon the previous point, try this exercise: Think of the most important events in your life, or a particularly trying period of your life. Write your story down the way you normally would tell it.

    Next, pretend you’ve been told to write the same story, but with a humorous slant. Then write it again, this time as though you were attempting to inspire others with your tale of overcoming adversity. And again, as though you were writing about a great adventure.

    The purpose of this exercise is to see how the same set of events, the events that shaped your beliefs, life, and thoughts, can take on many dimensions depending on your perception of them. Just knowing this may help you see yourself in a new light.

    There is plenty of proof out there that you are good enough, you just need to look for it.

    I bet you can think of a million ways you’re not good enough but struggle to list just a couple of ways in which you are. For instance, sometimes I struggle to feel like I’m interesting enough to be heard, and thus have trouble saying what I’m feeling and thinking.

    To counteract that, I must take the time to list the evidence that I am, indeed, enough. I actually write down the proof in a journal, or say it out loud to my husband so that it feels concrete.

    In this case, examples that I am in good enough include:

    • I do my very best to be open, honest, and authentic, which I know gives my words value.
    • I care deeply about others, so when I speak, I am trying my best to be supportive and helpful, which I believe makes me interesting and worthy of being heard.
    • Others have asked me to tell my story, asked for my help, or just wanted to get together to talk, so I must have something worthwhile to contribute.

    To try it yourself, pick one area in which you’re particularly struggling to feel like you’re enough. From there, look for any proof, any scrap of evidence, that you are. Write down every single thing you can think of, and make a regular habit of rereading the list and adding to it.

    Remember that you’re not alone.

    I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t, at one time or another, felt insecure about their worth or value or skills or intelligence. Somehow I find it helpful to know that even the most put-together, successful person out there struggles with the same things I do.

    Reach out to others, even if it’s only in your mind.

    If you have someone in your life that loves and cherishes you, why not ask for a little boost? I have gone to my husband many times when I felt down on myself, and hearing his perspective or just feeling his embrace does wonders to turn things around.

    Or perhaps you’ve got no one nearby, or want to rely on yourself to feel better. In that case, try thinking about yourself from the perspective of your parent, child, best friend, sibling, or spouse.

    Also, depending on your spiritual beliefs, you can try to see yourself through the eyes of your higher power, if you believe in one.

    In either case, write down what they might say and what they see in you for maximum impact and memorability.

    The truth is, I am good enough, and so are you.

    Maybe you’re not a good enough ball player to make it to the big leagues, maybe you’re not a good enough dancer to make a career of it, but as a human, you are just right. And when it comes to what’s most important, just do your best and tell yourself a new tale: I am good enough.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • Don’t Wait Until the End to Wake Up to Your Life

    Don’t Wait Until the End to Wake Up to Your Life

    Man in a Cave

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    My friend died recently.

    I saw him just a few hours before he died too. He stopped by my office as he had done numerous times before to say hello. I’d seen him go through various challenges and come out better. His life was great, and the future looked bright. And I was happy for him because he had worked so hard to get to this place.

    My friend died that night in a freak accident.

    I was stunned. Why him? Why now when he had so much to live for?

    As I was dealing with the sadness and shock of this sudden loss, I remembered the gift of life and the precious few moments we had with each other.

    I hope these reminders will help you treasure each moment with yourself and with others:

    1. Slow down.

    Most of us live our lives like someone who always drives on the freeway. We get to our destinations faster, but when we avoid the slower country roads, we miss out on the beauty of the land and the people.

    We get so caught up in our busy schedules and our to-do lists that we lose out on the ordinary moments that we often disregard as meaningless or unproductive.

    When my friend died, the realization that I would never experience his impromptu visits again hit me hard. I just assumed I would see him the next day, as I had done countless times before.

    I now understood how precious the moments we did have were. I understood that beauty is in each moment of my own life—that I don’t have to wait for the peak moments to feel alive, happy, or loved. I can slow down and enjoy all the blessings of being alive right now.

    2. Learn to talk about death.

    Our society doesn’t face the reality of death too well. We live like we will never die. We fail to plan and prepare. We put off the important things until it’s too late.

    Why? It’s scary to talk about, and it’s emotionally taxing to think about.

    I remember being intensely afraid of death as a child. I’d been to a few funerals, and the sight of dead bodies was something that haunted me. Sometimes I still struggle with thinking and talking about death until it hits close to home.

    The sudden death of my friend reminded me of why talking about death with your loved ones is so important. If I died today, will my family be taken care of? Will my spouse know my funeral and burial wishes?

    Talking about death allows us to make plans for the inevitable event so that those closest to us can know what to do when we die. They will be going through enough heartache, so helping them to feel prepared will ease their burden.

    3. Embrace uncertainty.

    Like death itself, we are often petrified to embrace uncertainty. That’s understandable. One of our basic human needs is to feel a sense of control in our lives. Taken too far, the desire for absolute certainty can be harmful.

    As a recovering perfectionist, I know about overreacting if plans don’t go exactly as expected. I would become irritable or lose focus. My sense of well-being was often diminished by relatively minor detours from my plans.

    But I’ve learned over the years that the most amazing thing about uncertainty is how we can be blindsided by joy. If we avoid uncertainty, we deprive ourselves of all of the wonderful possibilities that can come from the unexpected.

    And while the unexpected is also bound to bring pain, it’s from that pain that we find nuggets of wisdom to help us grow emotionally and spiritually.

    Though death itself is the one ultimate certainty, when and how it comes is unknown. Just like my beloved friend, I will die—on a day, time, and manner not of my choosing.

    Embracing this ultimate uncertainty frees me emotionally to live in the present where I am more likely to be happier and fulfilled.

    How do you embrace uncertainty? Start by looking for joy in the most unexpected places. Look for it when you’re afraid, upset, discouraged, or sad. And recall the times when you were surprised by joy. The more you do this, the less you’ll fear the uncertain because you’ll know that joy is always within reach.

    4. Live with purpose and meaning.

    Why do you do what you do? Is it to please others or because you find meaning in it?

    Because we push death to the fringes as a society, we are often out of touch with our own mortality. With each passing second, we grow ever closer to the day we will die. We put off our own dreams and desires to some unknown future date that may never come.

    Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, recorded the top five regrets of the dying. At the top of the list was this regret:

    “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

    The death of my friend prompted me to think: What would be my number one regret if I were dying today? Would I have the above regret? Would you?

    If you’re struggling to create meaning in your life, start by thinking about the kind of person you want to be. Finding meaning is more about being than doing. The latter helps, but your being follows you, regardless of what you are doing.

    5. Be generous with your love.

    During their funerals, we always talk about how much these people affected us during life. Why can’t we tell them when they are alive?

    I often think back to the last day I saw my friend. What would I have done or said differently had I known I would never see him again? A part of me felt unresolved. I wished I had a chance to simply offer a few words of appreciation.

    When we lose someone, we’ll frequently have unresolved feelings—regrets about the unsaid, the harsh words we wish we could take back, or the things we wished we could have done to ease their pain.

    But don’t let this stop you from telling the important people in your life how much you love them. Small acts of kindness and selfless giving are also essential ways of expressing love.

    Visible and concrete expressions of love will be a soothing balm when faced with loss.

    Wake Up To Your Life

    Let’s be honest. The vast majority of us are driving on the freeway of life. We’ve fallen asleep behind the wheel, lulled by the seemingly endless highway that stretches in a straight line to the horizon.

    No matter how long the highway may seem from where we are, it will eventually come to an end. Don’t wait until the end to wake up to your life.

    Roll down the windows, get off the highway, and take the unbeaten path.

    Be present to the gift of your life in this very moment.

    Be courageous by being true to yourself.

    And be grateful for the ways death teaches us to live.

    Man in a cave image via Shutterstock